The Bugle - Iran: Nukes or No Nukes?

Episode Date: December 10, 2007

The ninth ever episode of The Bugle! Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Welcome to issue 9 of The Bugle times on lines unique audio newspaper for the week beginning the 10th of December

With me and his ultimate in London and in New York Mr. John Oliver. Hello John. Hello Andy. Hello buglers How is the writer strike going stateside John? It's cold Andy It's very cold. Is that affecting the picket line? Well, certainly, what basically what I'm doing at the moment is marching around in the circle next to a giant inflatable rat as someone screams to be through a megafide about how high my morale is. That's my life. There are two different strikes going on. There's one in L.A. where Brad

Pitt turns up and hands out cakes And then there's the one in New York where people come over to thrive in a bin next to you Let me say, Andy, happy Hanukkah. Thanks, John. Thanks for that piece of well-wishing and reminding You're not as bad a Jew, Andy, a delicate-essing down the road from me, which for one day, one day only had in its window a Hanaka ham. It was a ham that said Happy Hanaka! Why not enjoy this ham? What, I'll tell you why not? John is in October that we started to try to build bridges between the rival communities and diets of the world. Maybe, well in which case they are trans actors, this Delhi.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, a feature on the Turner Prize for art, which is just a recording of a woman saying painting, sculpture, painting, sculpture, over and over again. And also in the bin is a free audiobook. This week, the manual of accounting, management reports and governance 2008 published by PricewaterhouseCoopers, narrated by Zoe Wannomaker, with statistical appendices by Aston Kutcher and backing music by Robert Planton the Spreadsheets. Ashton Kutcher is involved in that. Well, that should be worth it. Well, I believe his first audio book in the Accountancy Sector.

Oh, good thing. Let's hope it's not his last. Top Story This Week Iran's nuclear weapons, all that weren't, that just weren't at the last minute. A US report this week revealed that Iran had in fact halted its nuclear weapons program as far back as 2003, and the US government have claimed that this is a vindication of their current strategy, which is like hitting a golf ball into a lake and screaming hole in one. They said it would be easy to misread this report and you have to read it in a certain

way Andy, ideally in a dimly lit room from an angle upside down and with your eyes closed. And it's best to be thinking about Iran and how they've got nuclear weapons while you're reading it as well. Is it like a magic eye report where it looks like it's saying that they don't have weapons but then you look really close and it's just the outline of a massive mushroom cloud. It's just about relaxing your eyes and refocusing it and then all of a sudden you see warheads everywhere. So the nuclear threat Iran poses has been officially downgraded from kaboom to apparently Iran is, quote, less determined to develop nukes, let's give them their proper title, according to US intelligence. It appears to be something of a question of motivation, John, they've just lost that edge in terms of their

nuclear program. And maybe there are rumors that Armand Dinerjad has lost the dressing room when it comes to the nuclear program. This by no means Andy was the news that the US and its president was looking for and there must have been moments when the Bush administration looked like a child and their birthday who had just unwrapped something that they hate. Oh that's great! I love this report. How did you know? This is just what I wanted. I'll just put it down over here by the shredder that I got given and which I also love. The Bush view seems to be that because the intelligence on the Iraqi weapons and mass destruction was wrong, why should this new intelligence on Iran's nuclear

program be any different? So we shouldn't really trust it. In fact, if you've learned one thing from Iraq, and I hope that is the absolute minimum number of things that we have learned from Iraq, it is that we should assume that the intelligence is wrong. So if the Intel says Iran is clean, it's said to assume that Omar dinner jet is currently standing next to his big red button with a map of Israel and a map of the USA saying, Eany, Mee, Mee, Mee, Mow, it's so difficult to choose. Bush said that Iran had the program, they halted the program, and the reason why this is a warning signal is that they could restart it again,

and that is doing to logic, what they're doing to detainees at Guantanamo at the moment. Amnesty International are putting the concept of logic on its abused list, lighter candle for logic, Andy Light a candle for logic. Bush has previously won that stopping around and developing nuclear technology was vital to preventing World War III, which might be slightly histrionic, yeah, with just over a year to go this presidency, he's getting a little bit demor-pappy already. And I think we all accept that World War III is inevitable, it's just really a matter of time. And maybe we just got to accept that, you know, after two World Wars in 30 years, we haven't had a single one for 60 years now, so maybe fairs fair, we can't really complain if there is now a devastating global conflict. Bring

it on, that's what I would say. But I think you're right, and because it seems like the Bush administration are wanting to sign off in style somehow. Now, they want a big season finale to their second and final term. And now they're being told that they can't airstrike Iran, they're going to have to come up with something else. They need a big finish somehow. Yeah, and the clock is ticking. If he wants to set the wheels of Armageddon in motion, he's going to have to pull out

something incredibly special. So if any of the bugle listeners have any ideas about what the Bush administration's big season finale could be, please email in your suggestions and we'll pass them on to the Pentagon. Maybe a nuclear strike on Bolivia. It's a mid-season way to boost ratings that Andy, you're not going to go out on that. That's not a cliffhanger. All I know is that they are building many more submarines than a completely landlocked country needs. I appreciate your concern there Andy, but I just

question what they're going to do with those submarines. They're going to fire them through the air. What do you think believe these are doing with these submarines? Well maybe they won't submarines. See it's that easy. It's that easy to get faulty information. But at least this new, this latest report on our answer to the problem has defused the growing tension over a possible US military attack possible, although it would be silly at that kind of military attack. You would have thought America should finish its previous two attacks first. And really, it appears that America lacks some hard-edged parenting here and, you know, it's like a naughty child that never cleans its room. You know, it just,

you know, starts a while and then gets bored, doesn't really finish it and then wants to start another one. And I think we in Britain, as the parents, will be estranged slightly of America, we've got to hold our hands up and say sorry to the world. This has been an abrupt change of position for the Bush administration. Their previous position was that of a rabid dog tethered to a post, snarling and trying to chew through its leash. And now the position is the same. The same dog equally rabid, but now it's sulking in the corner. But Bush has said in response to this report that Iran should reveal the

full extent of its nuclear program which the report has done but he thinks Iran should do it itself or else he will hold a press conference. So be warned Iran, be warned that press conference could easily happen. He said the report did say Iran pretty much knocked it's nuclear weapons program on the head in 2003 but Bush says Iran has more to explain about its past actions. He also said that on their past actions Mongolia can't be trusted. He uses exact words, the Mongol Hords have attacked us in the West before, we must make sure they never have the capacity to do so again. He also demanded that all Scandinavian countries agree not to make helmets with horns on. It's good he's standing up to historical

violence. He's urging us to focus on the positives, maybe amongst them being the fact that the words Iran and nuclear weapon were in the report, not necessarily next to each other, but they were there together, and that's not nothing, that's something. He also said that Iran was dangerous, Iran is dangerous, and Iran will be dangerous, which sounds like he was trying to conjugate the adjective dangerous. Well, it's good that he is making a belated attempt to master the English language. That's right but better like than never. In an interesting adjunct to this story the Canadian ambassador has been expelled from Iran for being naughty or something

according to the Iranians. It appears that an Iran-Canada war is now more on the cause than an Iran-America war. Well, I could be an interesting war. That's a good matchup. A very good matchup, particularly if it is four over two legs. Relations are said to be strange between the two countries, but to be fair, that is by Canadian standards and they pride themselves on friendiness.

What this probably means is that they just don't gift-wrap the maple syrup they're sending over as presents. That's a big snub for a Canadian. This is all because a Canadian Iranian journalist died in custody and the officials were acquitted of semi-intentional murder, which is an odd charge. They meant to murder her, yes, just not in that way. Or maybe they meant to murder someone else, but got the wrong person. It was nearly intentional. So what countries do actually have the nuclear bomb these days, if you are in one of the following countries listeners, you have the confirmed capacity to unleash Armageddon on the world.

Come on Britain. America. Oh, Russia. Oh, come on. France. China. Of course. India. Pakistan. Yes. North Korea. Of course. And the United Kingdom. Yes we got one. Yes. Oh that's good to know. Happy Christmas everyone. I feel so much safer. And if you are in one of the following nations you may or may not definitely have nuclear weapons. Israel and Lisztinstein. Apparently they do have a nuclear weapon, but they don't know about it yet.

Nikita Krushchev left one behind on a skiing holiday in the early 60s. The most interesting country regarding nuclear weapons is South Africa, which had a nuclear weapon, but then disassembled it. Just disassembled it into our arsenal. So it was a member of the club and decided, well I don't like this club, I don't think I'd just rather go into an economic spiral. South Africa's done quite well at jetisoning things that you really would prefer not to have. I just don't know what you're referring to. You have to be more clear that's too a bleak.

And it does raise the question though, who were they planning to use a nuclear weapon on other than the disenfranchised majority within their own country? It might have backfired when they suddenly found themselves with no one to do their washing up. So genetically Andy, you have a shady history with nuclear weapons because you know you're British so you have a shady history with nuclear weapons because you're British, so you have a nuclear weapon, you're Jewish, so you probably have one but won't admit it, but you're also South African. That's right, my father was from South Africa. So that means I am the most nuclear armed person in this room, albeit that I am in a recording

shooting that is only me in this room. But even if it was a much bigger room with many more people in, I would still be a nuclear threat to everyone. So back off America. The question bugle listeners is, should Andy's ultimate be under the auspices of an on proliferation treaty? Let's have your views at the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. I'm lobbying for sanctions against you and the immediately.

Incidentally, the Israeli nuclear whistleblower Mordekai Venunu. It's not only back in jail, but a musical based on his childhood has been cancelled, which is great shame. I had a brilliant song, The lyrics which began Mordekai, Mordekai, Puts State Secrets in the Public Eye. Sir. Mordekai Venunu is an absolutely incredible name. My name is More Decauver Noonu and I am an accountant.

It wouldn't work. He could have been a magician. I think it's a good name for a magician, but Euclid Whistleblower, next best thing. What I would say is a Euclid weapon actually the ultimate deterrent because they're not always useful. I, for example example in my recent disputes that was a bleakly referred to in an earlier edition of the Bugle with people just down the road who stole our bin. As we know, as we just found out, I'm a nuclear power but they didn't seem to find this much of a threat in terms of returning my bin and I'd

parade up and down the road with a nuclear weapon outside their house but You know in a dispute like that. I think they just assumed I wasn't going to use it And if anything I alienated the rest of the street. So that'd be a lesson to you world Now just W busher's been a busy man not just claiming that Iran is a nuclear part But he's been writing to North Korea on the subject of nuclear weapons as well, writing a letter. That's nice to keep in touch so much more personal on the traditional email or televised trash talking that Bush is generally favoured throughout his reign. And writing experts have suggested

from the letter that Mr Bush is confused and angry. Now the press has made a big deal with this, Andy, but in fact Kim Jong-il and Bush are pen pals from a long time ago. They met at a summer camp when they were both children and kept in touch by regular letters, and they never write about work, so neither one knows what the other one is up to at the moment. They just digshows recipes and say how they're feeling. This is a great history of letters between major figures throughout history, dating back to the Battle of Hastings when William the Conqueror sent King Harold a letter,

but made the mistake of sending it attached to an arrow. It just had a circular joke on it, and it's believed that Harold's last words were since when was my eye an intray. As other letters been dug up recently, this one from Hitler to Neville Chamberlain. Deer Neville still can't believe you fell for that and feeling a little bit guilty, but only a little bit. Love that off, PS, best wishes to Anne and the kids. This one is from Duke of Wellington. And it reads, Deer Napoleon, I'm going to take you down. I'm going to make you feel like a clown. Your cavalry got horses. They're going to

need horses. Your infantry couldn't march between February and April. Know what I mean? You russed into Russia, now have a brush with Prussia, sincerely Wellington. No, long time since there's been a Duke of Wellington, Joe Candy, and I'll tell you why because people say it isn't relevant anymore, and those people are crazy. Well, you know, in many ways, Muhammad Ali modelled his pioneering trust-talking on the Duke of Wellington. And this letter from Florence Nightingale to William Gladstone, dear William, do I make you feel horny? Stop it! Stop it! This is becoming a running joke, I want no part of it!

That woman did a lot of good! You know, she did a lot of good, but, you know, she had a private side and I'm not choosing her for that. Sleep well, Soltzmann. Sleep well. Another major election took place this week we had Australia recently and it was Russia's turn and it really begs the question now What is so good about Vladipootin because he got that X factor Andy and that is in the question where X equals Complete control of the national media if you control the media like that you could be leader of a country to Andy

Maybe this podcast is just your first tentative steps towards that goal Julius Caesar began his career podcasting. Why not Andy's ultimate as well? So what is his secrets? I mean, he's obsessed with oil. He's keen on curtailing freedoms. And he has a militaristic attitude. So what sets him apart from our own leaders

who have the same qualities, but very much lower popularity ratings? A key thing in Putin's favor is that protesting in Russia is even colder than your protest in New York, John. That's true. I doubt much colder though. So I imagine if you're a Russian waking up one morning thinking, well, should I go out and protest against the president's probably leading to my own incarceration? Or should I just sit inside and drink three bottles of vodka whilst communing with my national spirit.

You're pretty to choose option B. There was one great shock result from the Russian election and that was in Chechnya, Putin got 99% of the vote from a 99% turnout which makes perfect sense. It's like I've always suspected, Chechnya has always liked Putin. They've shown that Andy, all this separatist movement is clearly just Chechnya has always liked Putin. They've shown that Andy, all this separatist movement is clearly just Chechnya playing hard to get. They just wanted attention.

But if those figures were able to include the dead people in Chechnya, that 90% probably pee much lower, it may be 49%. An interesting story to be thrown up by the Russian election is that Andrei Lugavoy, the main suspect in the Lit Venenko poisoning murder, has been elected as an MP in Russia is therefore immune from prosecution, which is quite a good way of getting out of being

prosecuted for poisoning someone. I just wonder if you look at the MP sitting in our own House of Parliament in Britain, how many of them have committed poisons, and I would imagine it's well over half? But is that the case then, if you're a Russian MP you can't be trotted for murder? It sounds like the kind of thing Stalin might have just sneaked through. It's an attractive package, though, isn't it? You pension, health care and you could poison anyone you like. That's a good job. But you do have to declare all those poisonings. Gotta be all public domain.

Those voting for United Russia, the party of Vagmin Putin, were entered into a prize lottery in St Petersburg, so not only can you participate in democracy, you might also win a fridge. Why don't we have that? That seems like a lovely thing to do. What, bribing the electorate? No, it's not bribing and it's rewarding. It's making the whole process more exciting. That's

how you get 99% turnouts. I do think we do have a bit of an issue in Britain that's voting is quite dull and maybe to make it more exciting at the next general election there should be five golden ballot papers entitling each lucky winner to a magical journey around the department of trade and industry. Gary Kasperoff referred to this as the most unfair and dirty selection in Russian history. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Steady on, Gary.

This is Russia you're talking about. You're doing a great disservice to the many wonderfully unfair and dirty elections in Russia's history. Let's give Gary the benefit of the doubt he's upset, Andy. He doesn't know what he's saying. Ever since that computer beat him, he's just not been the same. Now a special bugle law section. One of the biggest upcoming pieces of law news is that the US Supreme Court will hear a case on Wednesday,

which will be a legal showdown over Guantanamo Bay regarding whether or not he was Corpus applies to people there. And if the court rules in favour of the detainees, indefinite detention could be ruled unlawful, and that could be the end of the Guantanamo that we know and love. That would be a shame the US government lawyers apparently claiming that because America does not own Guantanamo therefore habeas corpus does not apply there. So effectively America is not actually holding these prisoners. So I don't know why they're getting all the blame. And they're living there rent free Andy. Yeah. In fact, the inmate or as I like to call them residents at Guanamo, ought to be paying their American hosts for looking after them in a

venue that they don't even own. It shows the generosity of America as a country. And as is so often the case Andy, this was all Britain's idea. Edward hide the Earl of Clarendon. He set up very much the first Guantanamo bay in Jersey when he could keep his prisoners offshore. He was eventually impeached and fled abroad, but if he'd been smart, he'd have patented the idea and the hide family could still have been making residuals from Guantanamo now. And in many ways that's what this writer's strike is all about Andy.

The Earl of Clarence and did the work and he's just not receiving the residuals that he deserves. One of the prisoners was a charity worker and another was a schoolteacher. Now that might sound benign but those were the two professions that a young Assam had been laden told the career advisor he wanted to be if his top dream of being a terrorist never came true. Better safe and slightly sorry Andy. On the subject of civil liberties, the CIA is apparently destroyed some tapes of interrogations it has carried out in order to protect the identity of its agents and because these tapes no longer had intelligence value and also because what those old tapes, oh no we didn't keep them, who'd

want to watch a video of us beating 16 different kinds of muesliath of terrasuspecs, very boring I can tell you and the lighting was no good. We recorded America's longest pets over it. You can have that. It's got a 12 foot long labrador in it. What other long pets were in that program Andy? Mostly snakes, to be honest, and a couple of alligators. In British law, the government has announced plans for some new super prisons that will take up to 2.5,000 naughty people at once. Britain's prisons are at bursting point.

In fact, just the other day, HMP, Aswell and Hertfordshire actually burst bits of it raining down all over the surrounding countryside and the sex offenders wing landed. And the A-41 just outside Bigel's way, so do drive carefully and with your headlights on. This is a good litmus test for society in Britain and the need for three new superprisons. Nothing says the system is working better than three new superprisons. Well, I'm just worried that building new superprisons is just encouraging people to commit crime because they see these facilities and thought,

oh, you know, we're British. We like to think we're getting value for our tax money. And if we see a spanking new temple to human desolation going unfilled, then we're gonna get out there and do a bit of crime to make sure we as a nation get our money's worth. Even with these super prisons, due to overcrowding, getting a place in prison

is hard at the moment. It's like getting into university. You've got to have the right qualifications, and it can really help if one of your families be there before you. Britain is an island, Andy. Wouldn't it be cheaper just to call the whole of the UK an open prison and say that we're all in jail? We all probably deserve it. Any of our British bugle listeners, can any of you honestly claim that you don't deserve to be in jail? Please email in and explain why thebugalatimesonline.co.uk. And now your emails. I was very excited to receive this email from a Nicholas Blackmore in Melbourne, Australia, the subject Australians touching up the Queen. And he writes,

Gentlemen, as one of your loyal Australian podcast listeners, I feel duty bound to point out that it was indeed Paul Keating who was famed for touching up the Queen. John, what do you got to say for that? Yeah, I can see the point. It was Keating who touched her on the arse. Right, I'm maintaining that Howard did put his arm around her. Yeah, but even actually touch her, John. He says, Howard is a staunch moniker, so it was the main reason behind the failure of Australia's Republic referendum in the late 90s.

If not for Howard, future Australian PMs would have to resort to touching up the president. Just another example of Australia becoming more and more like America. So that is, in fact, the leveler for Andy in the trivia off. It's one old John. One old. Okay. Okay, we'll see. We'll see. We'll see. I'm running around the studio pointing to my own name on my back. It's one old. I've particularly liked the email from Sherry's Kay who wrote Dear The Bugle. Whenever I get depressed about our little hamster

I'd present. I think back on the greatest presidents we ever had in a movie. Like after that huge asteroid slammed into the Atlantic in 1988 and Mr Friedman told us cities fall but they are rebuilt. Heroes die but they are remembered. Or during the alien invasion of 1996 when Bill Pullman rallied our troops with the best rally the troops beat since Henry V. That quote from Mr. Friedman, cities fallen, but they're rebuilt, Heros died, but they're remembered. That reminds me very much of a quote on the a publicity leaflet produced by my local Kabab shop when they opened, who wrote in one of the greatest things I've ever seen, a two-page essay about the cabab and how magnificent it is.

And it included this sentence, Civilisations Rose and Civilisations fell, Gods were born and Gods died, but the cabab remained. And this one comes from Ben Falk and it's addressed to you, John, under the subject, Naughty Nurse. Oh no. Did John? Don't know why this is heading. I take great offence at you laughing at Andy for fancying Florence Nightingale. Oh my great great great great grandpa fought in the Crimean War and worked for a time at Flos Hospital. Ever since then

there have been rumors that he boughed her. Anyway John he writes Florence was a babe but probably out of your league. you have a fine-tasting women shame on both of you but it's good to hear the return of Bof I think I was probably 12 the last time so if any of you bugle listeners have secret attractions for historical figures whether they be male female or both please send them into the bugle at at timesonline.co.uk. Bugle Sports Now and Britain at this time of year, as always, is talking of nothing else but the BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards, the social highlight of the British year.

So to mark this here at the Bugle, we are having the first and so far only annual Bugle Sports Awards. We will be announcing the nominees this week and the winners next week. And you, listeners, you are allowed to nominate your own nominations in the categories we're about to announce. So, our nominees for Sports Man of the Year are the former England football manager Steve McClaran in a world. In a world where sports folk are obsessed with proving the critics wrong, here is a man who, with his tactics selection and demeanor, single-mindedly set out to prove the critics right.

Also nominated Barry Bonds, let's hope he carries on until he passes the number of home runs Hank Aaron would have hit had he been on steroids just to clear up any lingering doubts. So if you've got any more nominees for Sportsman of the year, do send them in, the bugle at times online.co.uk. In the category of greatest sporting hyperbole, I would like to put forward the sports commentator who commentated on Travis Pastrana's double backflip on a motorbike during the 2007 X Games, which led to him claiming that Travis had found the holy grail. Well there you go, maybe that was it and maybe the cup that Jesus drank from at the last supper was a Suzuki Ruff Rider. Please email in your suggestions for sporting hyperbole nominations.

We're also as well as sportsman of the year. We have a sports lady of the year category. The nominees so far include Mary and Jones for showing that even nice people can cheat and Rafael Nadal for continuing to upset the odds as a woman in the men's world of men's tennis rising as high as number two in the world men's rankings. Is he not actually a man. My mistake. And also nominated the New Zealand rugby team.

The best team in the world for the last four years. Absolutely choked in the World Cup quarter final, showing that years of careful preparation, professionalism and brilliance, can't for nothing, bringing hope to layabouts and lower chievers around the world. We should definitely have a choke of the year category. Please email in your best choke of 2007. In scapegoat of the year, all our nominations are related to England's exit from the Euro 2008 Football Championships.

The following scapegoats are up for nomination, Steve McLaren again, computer games, overseas players, the government, previous governments, British social history in general, physics and Croatia. Yeah, so do email in your nominees for any of these categories or any further categories of your own and we will have a special Bugle Awards ceremony next week. Strapping listeners, it's time for your cryptic audio crossword clue. This week, can I just say goodbye to all the listeners before you do this? Goodbye, see you next week. John, do not disrespect this segment of the show.

This week it's 14 across. 12 letters split into two words of seven and five. And it is this. Two old prime ministers suggest out loud that Prince stops for new tyres and refueling. Seven, five. For those of you who enjoyed our audio advent calendar last week, that Prince stops for new tyres and refueling. 7.5 For those who enjoyed our audio advent calendar last week, I'm afraid this week it's stuck on a notice board behind a letter from the council about not stealing people's bins.

Now for the bugle Hanukkah forecast. I forecast that Hanukkah will finish on Wednesday, the ninth day of Hanukkah, because 2007 is a leap Hanukkah. So get those extra candles out. Candle, candle, candle. What a bad joke. One candle each. Candle, plural. I am bad too, but I'm not bad at it. So that's it from the Bugle this week. Do keep those emails coming in the Bugle at timesonline.co.uk. And we'll be back to set the world the right.

Next week. Bye bye! I'm so glad.