The Bugle - John and Andy answer your questions!

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver answer questions asked by The Bugle's premium subscribers - learn about the Chocolate Milk gang, John's true view on puns, and whether or not your should put a donkey in a lift.Why not check out 15 years of top stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanJohn OliverChris SkinnerProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Buglers and welcome to a special Bugle sub-episode. Let's call it Bugle 4326 sub-episode C for Christmas, since this will be going out between Christmas and New Year Chris is that right? Yes. Yeah let's go with that. And well for your deletation. That was a very very unsure yes that was a kind of clipped yes of a guy who made a decision in the moment and now has to kind of reverse. We now have a schedule. Well, joining me, as you've just heard, back just literally weeks after his appearance on Bugle 4,325, which he pledged not to appear on another bugle for 45 years. He's come crawling back for more.

Yeah. Less than two. I mean, we've recorded it straight afterwards. But ignore that. He's come begging for forgiveness and acknowledging that he was wrong about the football world cup winning captain's pun run, which was admittedly more contrived than the average pun run. Anyway, welcome back John. Happy, how was your Christmas? Can you just guess?

Yeah, I'm guessing it was an 8.2 out of 10. And I'm guessing I was given a horse that I don't know what to do with. And that's become a problem. That's my guess. How do I look after a horse in the city? That's going to be very difficult. I don't have a field. I don't know how to care for horses. I don't know what horses are in my back. I'm so close to playing that black beauty music again. So close. You live on about the 43rd floor of a block, don't you? Yes. That's not difficult

for the horse. Difficult to get a horse up in an elevator and down as well. Yeah. I actually got advice on it and I am because we tried to get a donkey in a lift at work once and you've got to make sure there's no mirrors. Right. Are you going to show you're working on that Chris? I'm just going to like just say that. It freaks me out.

The concept of being moved onto a different elevation, whatever that does to their inner ear, that isn't a problem. It's the idea that a reflective surface would prompt introspection on the donkey's part. That's what psychologically belonged to them. I could only quote the advice I was given. Why the f*** were you trying to get a donkey in a lift for work? That question took a long time to come John. It did, I think that's why I had to deliver it with force, because I realised we've got distracted by details that didn't matter. Chris, context for that.

Breakfast radio. Alright, well that explains everything. That feels like issuing a statement that you think is an answer but really is just provoking more questions but like breakfast right you gotta have a don't okay okay okay we don't need to go into detail christian o'connell's breakfast show back in the day yeah we wanted to do a real live nativity scene right which involved right a birth getting Right. Which involved? Right. A birth?

Getting animals. Did you get, did you get? It didn't happen. We were in the end. Health and safety ruled it out. Right. Yeah, I think, you know, health and safety aren't always right. But I do think that might have been a decision that you came to regret long term.

I don't know, breakfast radio is all about getting people ready for the day and I don't know hearing a donkey's death live on air is that feels like a day ender not a day starter. Because someone idiotically brought in like a mirrored plate or something and the donkey seen itself. Right, but I mean the donkey didn't die in the original Nativity scene. I don't remember that, I'm not that up with the New Testament obviously, but I don't remember Joseph beating a donkey to death in the background out of pure furious jealousy. Oh we must have. It's how the pinata was born. Right, this episode, sub episode of The Bugle is a special Q&A. We've had some queues sent in by our voluntary subscribers if you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to help keep

the Bugle free, flourishing and independent go to the the bugle podcast.com and this comes from Ead who John I'll be honest Andy I'll be amazed if any of these questions are as good as hey Chris why the fuck we trying to get a donkey in an elevator I'm not sure any answer will be less satisfying than breakfast radio leave it at that about this anymore this is from Ead who you may remember John many years ago we had an email is from Ian who you may remember, John, many years ago, we had an email in from someone who said they were listening to the bugle whilst having a vasectomy. I do remember. I absolutely remember that.

This is this guy. Thanks for thanks for emailing in. Yeah, thanks for your support over the years. He came to a show I did in philadelphia many years ago as well uh He writes I absolutely can't wait to hear you give asad his due on the next episode which we did Two weeks ago as you listen to this. I know a eulogy is premature, but what about a? Coo-logy as coo c-o-u-p. So he's He's chucked a pun at you there John mmm yeah I mean you know you know when someone chucks a pun at me you know what I do I step aside

and let that pun drop on the floor and I ask someone else to pick it up I don't touch it not even with oven mitts right so I did think about that but yeah she feels premature unless you're kind of casting an amber for the day that he eventually passes away. But yeah, F**kuligys aren't for just geographical bye-bys. They're for really someone going underground. Yes, someone being compromised to a permanent end. That's right, as John Cena so, yeah, memorably said. This is from

Mark who writes, Vanity Smurf returning to the bugle every few years is like when The Rock returned to WrestleMania after years away. I don't know, is that a compliment or not John? You're a bit more up on wrestling than me. Mark doesn't make that clear. Yeah. How do you argue with it? I would that they argue that The Rock still has it. Right. He's still got the upper body strength. He's got more charisma than he ever had before. And I think both of those things are arguably true of me.

I've got the same upper body strength that I had back then. I'm starting, admittedly, from different points, The Rock and I. And in terms of charisma, has it dipped? I mean, noticeably, I don't know, I don't know. I'm not standing in a stadium right now. No. I'm not about to choke slam you or give you the people's elbow.

It's also a move that was recently pulled on Basher Al-Assad, I think. That very much was the people's elbow. recently pulled on Basher Al-Assad I think. That very much was the people's help. Just you know the fact that you're on this on this show and the rock has been mentioned it's given me extremely strong flashbacks to a bit of your early stand-up about really did I do if you smell what the rock is cooking do you remember that? Which is I believe his uh

that's right I don't think I'd heard of the rock until seeing you do that bit of stand up. If you smell what rock Johnson. Anyway, Mark continues just wanted to ask john and Andy how many times they'd listened to LMFAO in the past week, so this was the week in which Assad began his non-voluntary staycation, Chez Vladimir. Personally, I'm hoping we get a Rage Against the Machine style Christmas number one in honor of that absolute smeg penguin Bashar al-Assad. Yes, I listened to it in preparation for this week. I listened to it for the first time probably since then just to get a sense of is this song as funny as I remember it being and the answer was emphatically yes. I do

think that it's one of the most innately hilarious combination musicians that the world has ever produced. And I had forgotten that their album was called Sorry for Party Rocking and any album that's an apology is worth listening to, as far as I'm concerned. And I guess that shows the power of music and particularly music at that level that it can unify your seemingly disparate people such as you and Bashar al-Assad. Yeah. It's a point of it's a point of contact, I think. Yeah, in the same way that we all look at the same moon and the same sun on Earth, right? We all fundamentally somewhere have respect, whether acknowledged or not, for the work of Redfoo.

Aaron Rice. The greatest living poet, Andy. Go look at that body. Go look at that body. the the the the the the

the the the the Yep beat i'm sexy and I know it. I mean, I don't know what else you want from poetry than that It rhymes it sticks in your head. Philip Larkin wishes he had access to that Yeah, absolutely rather than thoughts comes the word of high windows try saying that over an electrifying european disco beat phil Uh, this comes from eren dear andy, uh split a smurf and f**k you Chris, John given that you are now essentially both the US ambassador to the UK and also the UK ambassador to the US and also noting the much observed and reported John Oliver effect, could I ask John if he accepts any responsibility for the utter shitshow which is American politics in the 21st century and the tsunami of orange

tinged insanity Which we are all uncomfortably bracing for and if not if you don't accept responsibility, why not? Well, I don't I don't accept responsibility Andy I believe that responsibility falls at the feet of Donald Trump and the people who voted for him. I haven't done that, I haven't voted for him, Andy, and I'll take that to my grave. I thought there were at least three or four strong reasons not to do that in both elections that I voted in. So yeah, no, I will not accept responsibility for it.

And I believe that history will prove that I was right about that. But you know, who knows? That's the thing about history is it can recontextualize difficult times. And if history points its stubby finger at me in the future, then I'll have no option but to agree. Is there anything else that you'd like to preemptively take responsibility for? I don't know, the decline of the polar bear population? Radokanu winning the US Open. Alright, okay. That was your doing essentially, wasn't it?

I think I was as responsible for Donald Trump becoming president as I was for Emma Raducanu winning the US Open You can't stick one on me without giving me the other one. Okay. Well, I think that's fair. That's Cuz I mean to be fair until you went to the USA. No one had heard of Emma Raducanu who Would have been about four years old. I guess at that point. Yeah, that's right Well, I guess I think her parents had heard of her at that point. But, you know, I don't know. I don't know if they were looking at her and thinking, you're going to win the US Open one day.

And I think the same thing is probably true of Fred Trump. I don't think he ever looked at his son, probably at any age, until he died and thought, your presidential material. It seemed in fact that he didn't particularly like his own son and that that relationship is one of the many reasons that's put us in the f***ing situation that we're in right now. Well if only Donald Trump had had more cuddles as a... Yeah that's right and then he wouldn't be trying to fill the aching chasm at the centre of his soul with power. Yep. That's quite simple when you put it in those terms. Yeah he'd do what the rest of us do to fill it with spaghetti

And then fill it with sport as well, the two ways is on the ultimate SS It's certainly one of my favorite SS is It's certainly one of my favorite SS's of all time. This comes from Sarah who was in the early 2000s, and his old man and John Oliver were in an international syndicate of comedians called the Chocolate Milk Gang. What? This was news to me, John, I had to look this up. I can't. The Chocolate Milk Gang. This was news to me John, I had to look this up. A chocolate milk gang?

A chocolate milk gang. That sounds like a kind of group that robs banks and leaves chocolate milk in the vaults that once held Gold Bullion. The only evidence I could find for this was an interview with Russell Howard. Oh for fuck's sake. There you go, there's your problem. Our comedic contemporary but not our age contemporary given that he's still I think about 21 years old. In which he was describing part of the chocolate milk gang which it didn't mention me, it did mention you, Daniel Kitts and David O'Doherty and I think Alan Cochran, as comedians who have turned away from the hard-living, hard-drinking lifestyle often associated with stand-up comedy and

were apparently known as the Chocolate Milk Gang. Now I don't remember this phrase from, you know, when, I mean this, I mean this article must have been at least from 20 years ago, the chocolate milk gang. That feels like a label that has been stuck on us rather than a label that we concocted ourselves. Also, one of the many reasons I think that that is built on nothing is that I'm not even a fan of chocolate milk, Andy. That would not be my drink of choice at any time. I don't know what the point of chocolate milk is

No, I mean unless you got a chocolate cow. I mean what what really is the point of it? You come I mean a chocolate chocolate mozzarella I'd be out for that I could I could see that would you if you get a chocolate Buffalo. Yeah It depends on the text all about the texture anyway, and um accounts of the group's origins Sarah continues tend to differ in specifics Such as who coined its name Whether they drank chocolate milk or milkshakes. Yeah Could you provide a definitive explanation? This question has been keeping me awake at night for a number of years, right? been keeping me awake at night for a number of years. Right. Sarah, I would, you need to sleep. There's, I will say, I'm

not a fan of chocolate milk had not heard of this term, I think like you, Andy, until recently. So we're both in the clear as far as I'm concerned. Right. Um, you know, you pointed the finger pretty strongly at Russell Howard there. Yeah. I think it's incumbent upon him to explain it. I would not be surprised if that guy guzzled chocolate milk to a medically inadvisable extent. Yeah, I mean when we all started comedy I think he was probably too young to buy alcohol so that might have been a been part of it. This question comes from Isaac in Columbus, Ohio.

Um, this question, uh, comes from Isaac in Columbus, Ohio. Um, John, will you return as a permanent bugle co-host if Donald Trump deports you from America? Yeah, he would be fine. That'd be difficult. I'm an American citizen now, so he's, that would not be easy for him to do. Yeah. I realized that even saying that is, you know, waving a red flag in front of a pretty bigoted bull.

So he lost the challenge. He does love it. Yep. Yep. And he's no respect of law. Yeah. I mean, it's non, it's non-zero, right? Yeah.

I think you can denationalize people. Um, that's always a great, it's not, not a great sign. I literally found myself Googling after the election the next day Can you denationalize someone hoping that the answer is no and it seemed to be generally no But in certain extreme circumstances, that's not the answer. I was looking for today Um So when I can I can definitely see a situation in which yeah Donald trump builds a special catapult and fires you over a fence into Mexico.

I can see that happening. Yeah and at that point then yes I will absolutely return to the view on a weekly basis. Yeah I'll do it I'll do it from the border. This came from Dan, is there a strict the the the the the the the

the the the the Don't be ashamed if I did it was either completely accidental or crucially was not part of a pattern I think that's what I That's where I object to it's the I don't love puns Andy I don't love them what I hate a pun runs where they cluster Right so this there's no warning One pun, shame on me. Seeking the puns, shame on you Andy, shut the fuck up.

I think that's the phrase. Fair enough. Lynn Riordan asks, how did you two meet? It's an interesting story, Lynn. I was working as a cartographer with the French Foreign Legion and John was running a rhinoceros smuggling ring out of northern Bolivia and Our paths crossed it was I think a quiz night Just on the Paraguayan border, wasn't it? And I

Think during the music round we both ended up Singing Harry Nielsen song into the same microphone. Do you remember that am i meeting up with someone else i i can't it was either that or it was a new at night at the cosmic comedy club in hammersmith it was one of those two for sure because i definitely remember around about the same time i was training penguins to wrestle and you were doing a dolly parton tribute act and i can't remember that if you did that at the Cosmic Comedy Club that night or not. That does ring a f***ing bell.

Memory plays tricks. Yeah. Also, I mean, I do, in terms of showbiz, the first time we met was due to an administrative error where we were both hired for the same gangland hit in series one of Junior Assassin. Honestly, I didn't know where to aim. But I think it was then. But that was before we did comedy, I think. I think even before then, Andy, I think we were part of, I think it was called like a chocolate milk gang that was going to get us.

That's like Jonah Lomu, head of the Rugby World Cup. Now, now is actually now it's making sense. But I think we were supposed to never talk about it So, you know, let's let's keep just brushing it off because of course it didn't work Massive woke up And that's why chocolate milk has always tasted sour to me ever since watching him absolutely run all over I believe Rory Underwood would that be right at the time? Tony Underwood getting told under there. Yeah at the time? I think Tony Underwood. Yeah, and also there's that time when we both went over Niagara Falls in a barrel at the same time, but I won because gravity works better on Jews than Gentiles. So that's quite a dull story. Another Edinburgh related question from Lee. Here is a video of John dismantling a cow with a bunch of other comedians in 2003 on stage in Edinburgh.

Yes I do remember. So this is from Layton Live. Yes. Lee asks, quite reasonably, John why the f*** did you do this? That is a good question. I believe, Flight of the Concords, Brett and Jermaine, if I'm remembering this right, Brett and Jermaine were on stage. I think David O'Dockerty was there as well. I think Kitson was there.

Adam Hills was on. Adam Hills was on. Yeah, I think I think I've been on that night. And I think I didn't like the fact that cow was on stage. I don't think any of us particularly enjoyed it. And so I think the idea was, well, let's break it like a pinata to go back to your reference earlier, Chris. And it turns out those are very, very difficult to break. I think I started hitting it with an iron bar. Yeah as hard as I could. The iron bar I remember snapping back faster than I was possibly ready for but I think we did break it and Odokadie crowd surfed with shards of of cow. All right yeah well there you go. I mean that's what passed for comedy in the early 2000s, simpler times, happier times. And I mean honestly to

even imply that we did not engage in comedic rock and roll behavior when I tried my best to smash a gigantic cow. Yeah. I mean, what's the beverage of choice? Why is it important there? And yeah Well, I guess you know if you're smashing it is there's milk involved in the smashing of the cow And then yeah, it's really just fuel fuel to the chocolate milk gang fire as far as I'm concerned But my Crowdsurfed at late and live once when I stood in for we are we are clang Greg Davies

Who mentioned on the podcast a couple weeks ago? Steve Hall and Marek Lord and one of them was ill and they asked me if I could do their don't dancing horse I think we're put on a like a horse mask Mm-hmm, and it's one of those rubber horse masks, it had a tiny little eye hole to see out of so I couldn't really see what I was doing. All I remember, and Pappies were on at the same time, all I remember is one point turning my head and seeing someone's testicles and I still don't know who they were. And then crowd surfing out, I think it was one thing I had to do whatever they told me to do whilst as a dancing

horse and I ended up stage diving with a with a horse's head on and That's the last time I played the late and live gig John You know, where'd you go after that? That's the thing with late and live, isn't it? It's a generator of memories, even if it isn't necessarily a generator of reliable entertainment It's a generator of memories even if it isn't necessarily a generator of reliable entertainment Do you remember when when Dan did a whip around in the audience because one guy wanted to go to Bilbao Great city to go to yeah, I think he wanted to see a museum in Bilbao No Well, that might be the time the Guggenheim had just opened Which I think that's it. I think I think that's it

I think the guy wanted to go to the Guggenheim and so this would have been like 2 30 in the morning I think there's a whip round of the audience and it was like said if we do this you have to get on a Plan and so I think he went to Bilbao and then came back To describe what what the new Guggenheim and Bill Bowers like to an audience of people who hadn't been there for the euphoria at the moment that he left, therefore it didn't really work. Oh well, a dance as old as entertainment itself. Don't forget to buy your tickets to my show. I did the Northern Farm Arts Centre in Mayhead, which we did together back in the old times. Would you say that what we did there entertained the people that turned up?

Well, I think it entertained the people who didn't turn up, of which there were many, as I recall. Yes, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Whether it entertained the people who did. I mean, define entertainment, John. As we've discussed on the show, you

can interpret different things in different ways. Yeah, I guess I would define it as you know an experience That was in some way enjoyed. Yeah Did you feel like do you feel like most of the people again? The people that didn't turn up may have had really pleasant evenings. Would you be able to go into court? Put your hand on a Bible or you know a wisdom. Yeah Well, you know, whichever whichever you prefer an almanac of your choice and you can say that That we provided an evening that was that had pleasurable elements other than the relief of it being over that doesn't count

Lord Lord, is it count that you can enjoy things more in the future because you know what pain feels like. Who can truly love unless they've had their heart shattered. Yes, which probably wasn't the best opening line to a show. But I don't think it was the worst though. I mean, I wouldn't say it was the worst. I mean, of course, this year, famously, was the 20th anniversary of our gig at The Space in Docklands where we had a 100% walkout. 100. Yeah. I mean not many, it's quite an achievement to do that at any point. I mean, I think, you know, with your audiences now, John, that would be, you don't really have to go out,

you'd have to probably get me in to do a full hour of puns to fill the rooms. I played Jones Beach once and that was when I knew that I still had it. It was like a compilation gig and I was very much not required at the end of it. And it must have been, I don't know how many, it's like maybe 4,000 people there. I probably walked at least half probably two-thirds of them to the point that by the end of my set i could see car i could see their cars driving away in the the um the 100 walkout i'm not sure if we've probably talked about it on a bugle in the past but we've been it was the night England lost to Portugal in Euro 2004 which went to extra time and penalties and Richard Herring had done the first half of the

show with about 15 people there. We obviously were watching the football in the bar by the time we started literally a minute after England had had their quest for glory shattered upon the rocks of the inevitable loss of a penalty shootout, we walked on stage to four people in a converted, and I sincerely hope deconsecrated, church. Because if it hadn't been deconsecrated, well, frankly, we'd conclusively prove the non-existence of God because he would have struck us the fuck down for that show. And I think we got about 20 minutes in, four people sitting there, quite a spacious room with a high ceiling, stood up, walked out and said, basically just said I'm sorry we are now going to leave and that was, you know, we were left alone in an empty room. If you can be alone when there's two of you on stage,

which felt like you could. That's the thing, Andy. See, that's the reason why that never hurt was that that was the second time it had happened to me. I got happened in Edinburgh when I was doing my own show and it was just me. And so, you know, to have you standing next to me honestly felt like a more dignified situation. At least we could talk to each other Happy days happy the magic of showbiz Well, uh that concludes our

John oliver exclusive q a. Um, thank you for your largely infantile questions. We'll be back in the New Year 2025, John. How the f**k has that happened? Yeah, well it hasn't yet and it might not, so I wouldn't get ahead of yourself. Don't get over your skis, Andy. That is a very good one. A Quarter of the way through the century. Don't be surprised if like Bashar Al-Assad we're out on 24. Thank you for listening, Buglers.

Thanks for listening all year. Have a truly phenomenal new year and let's hope the second half of this decade is less of a a than the first half uh thanks John uh see you in 2025 beautifully put Andy stitch that onto a tea towel and hang it on your oven what wait