The Bugle - Literally, shooting oneself in the foot

Episode Date: December 8, 2008

The 55th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Budlers, and welcome to what I'm told is issue 56 of the bugle. Some controversy over where the last week's Thanksgiving special was 55 or 54 sub-issue one.

Tom, the producer is insisting it's 55, which means this is 56. John, that means you weren't in 55, how do you feel about that? Well, first, there was no way that was so full-gugle. No way. No way. And history will judge it like that. What a fittest this just there was no way that was so full Google. No way. No way. And history will judge it like that. It's an it's an aberration. Tom's revoking his decision. This is now issue 55. Yes. The website will be revised. It's in 55 of the big with me Andy's ultimate here in London and in New York City. John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello, Bugo. Restore a rightful place in issue 55. Exactly 55. I would have felt like I was really missing out on something.

It's good that revisionist history can still work. I'm back Andy. I'm back from Vegas. You survived it. Well, did you get married? Yes and no. No, I didn't get married, but I did divorce myself from part of my soul. A quiz of horse, was it? Yeah, just a cookie. No, I didn't get married, but I didn't divorce myself from part of my soul Yeah, just a cookie. It was an Elvis did it as well It was my soul was badly affected by what it had been forced to see there and in fact it was choking just leave me here Go on without me as I tried to save it. I'll tell you where else I left there as well Andy my wallet I had my wallet stolen really just outside the airport which was

basically fitting and somehow I had miraculously won quite a bit of the casinos from not knowing how any of the games work. And it's almost like he's the built-in insurance policy in Nevada. Oh, you're up. Congratulations. That's great news. Just give us your entire wallet as you leave please. The only thing I'll really miss from my wallet Andy, is I carried around an autograph from Ian Rush, the Liverpool football player in my wallet, since I got it when I was 11 years old.

I've carried around for 20 years. And now it's gone. But in an act of incredible yearning young, I'd met strangely David Beckham, out in Vegas by chance. I'd personally had handled that meeting very badly. My hands were shaking, my mouth went dry dry and I managed to be unable to complete a coherent sentence. Well he's a good looking man. He's a beautiful man but out of

the blue he sent me a signed football the day after I got back from Vegas. Really he says to John nice to meet you David Beckham that is a big yang to a very annoying young. Right are you gonna bring that along to choose they thought we'll next time you back here. Yeah I'll do it'll bring it, but you're not touching it. There were many strange incidents in my time there, and Rob Riggle took me to a gun range, where, of course, yes. Exactly, well I find my first gun,

and as I place my finger on the trigger of a machine gun, Riggle looked over at me, and I was physically nervous, and he said to me, when you pull that trigger, don't be ashamed to scream out get some is that part of his marine training I think it was me it's not a safe thing to do fire machine gun for the first time whilst convulsing with laughter well just imagine how I mean that must be how you know and people thought the Italians in the second world war

I haven't I haven't got any celebrity stories as usual. Although I did sit in a waiting room for a radio studio next to Darren Goff, the legendary England cricketer for about 20 seconds. Oh that's, so that is definitely a celebrity story. Well yeah, I didn't really talk to him. Should have complimented him on his opening spell on the first day of the 1997 Ashes. My wife is now massively pregnant. And I saw her have- Is that the medical term? That is the medical term massively pregnant.

So I spent most of the last couple of weeks jumping around my kitchen pointing at her stomach, singing. It's big, it's round, it bounces on the ground. Your turn, your turn. What prenatal class did you learn that kind of behaviour in Andy? What a supportive house. Well they say you should introduce a childhood music in the womb. Should you also introduce it to Terrace Channing? Yes. So it is the week beginning Monday the 8th of December.

So happy 400th birthday, John Milton, the author of Paradise Lost and All-round Bore. Recently voted the English poet you'd least like to go to the pub with by the British Society of Drunk Poets. Also, happy 21st to the Intermediate Range Nuclear Forces Treaty, or INF Treaty, signed in 1987, on this day when the USSR boo! And the USA, hooray! Sorry, he first ever treated to reduce ground-based nuclear arsenals.

Ronny, he not quite so many rockets Reagan and Mickey, maybe we don't need so many medium-range missiles, Gorbachev. Signed the deal that has meant that we don't have to record the bugle in a radiation-proof underground bunker for an audience whose app site for comedy has been dulled by the savage brutalities of a nuclear winter. So thanks guys, 21st of today. Happy birthday, INF. I'm John, I'm taking it to a general ones club later on, the INF Treaty. I think we should get in half price because it's owned by the strategic arms reduction treaty, and it always gives discounts to other weapons treaties.

But I think the Mcloi's or in a court is going to be there as well. It would be good to catch up with a 1961 nuclear roadmap. You should have seen the Geneva Protocol there last week off his nuts, doing an incredible Neil Sadarka impression on the karaoke machine. Anyway, as always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin. This week, to mark 50 years of motorways in Britain, we give you a free audio souvenir of every single motorway junction in the UK and where else to start, John, Junction 5 of the M25. As driven by two-time Olympic decafellan champion Daily Thompson on his way to see the sight of the battle of Hastings.

Let's hear it. Yeah, I'd like to see Thompson's big rival, Yurgen Hinkson nail that drift into the right hand lanes to hit the A21 South as well as that. Looks like another silver ad best for the 6 foot 7 inch German. Also to mark the historic occasion 50 years of multi lane racing, sorry motorway driving in Britain, I will recite this issue of the vehicle to myself, word for word next time I'm on a motorway, probably in my car, maybe standing in a central reservation. Just think John, if Britain had not discovered its most away network 50 years ago. Our computer simulation suggests that by now we will be savages living in mudhuts again, just like the 1920s, all over again.

They don't actually have motorways in America, do they? They have highways. Oh, it's not the same, is it? It's not, sir. Top story this week, and Plexico Boris. And in that name I sound like a pharmaceuticals company or a sovereign island in the Pacific, but it is in fact the star wide receiver

of the New York Giants, a man who in fact caught the pass, which won his team the Super Bowl last year, a multi-millionaire athlete with the world at his feet who this week shot himself in the leg in a nightclub in New York. Thank you Plexico, thank you, this is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. When the world is in a pressing place and you can always trust athletes if not to entertain us through their skills, then doing something so spectacularly boneheaded has to distract people from their pain. This last week in the event in India have been a perfect example of this, step forward, placicobares, who clearly saw the tragedy

in Mumbai unfolding and thought, what can I do? What can I do to help? I know, I'll shoot myself in the leg in a nightclub. If that makes just one person splutter on their breakfast in disbelief, then that's enough. I've done all I can. That is very much the little robin in the chicken part of despair. But where will an angel? I mean first Labour hamlin can get shot and now this, I mean America's got a problem with guns That's not a natural progression But not only did he do this at he also took the lead of the defensive line Antonio Pierce to the nightclub with him Who allegedly hid the gun for him afterwards?

Thereby jeopardising his team's defense as well as the offense now I would find this story even funny as I already do which is Funny Now I would find this story even funnier than I already do, which is f***ing funny. If Placco was not the StarWide receiver on my office fantasy football team, the British Bulldogs, I feel that he has personally let me down and he's been a mess all season. I've been having imaginary conversations with him for weeks now. Placco, do you want to be a British Bulldog? Because you're sure as hell not acting like it. To me a player shooting himself in the leg

is the sign of one of the world's great sports franchises because of course the giant to the Super Bowl champions. But something similar happened back in 1996 to one of the great football clubs in the world, Jillingham FC, the pride of Kent. No. They had a defendicle Matt Bryant who managed to shoot 40 pellets into his leg and was out for a couple of months and

This followed even harder to do Andy in a country that does not have guns. I mean that's really difficult But we do have guns John. Let's just wear a bit more so than we are using them for shooting The creatures of nature rather than other people the creatures of nature rather than other people. For every detail of this Placksco story takes it to another level of slapstick Andy. Placksco carried this gun into a nightclub with the safety catch off in his sweatpants. Sweeppants and he simply don't have the purchase necessary around the waist. So to support an object as weighty as a loaded concealed weapon. Also, let's not forget that he was wearing sweatpants

to a nightclub. Sweatpants are not the standard dress code for Diskatex. Are they? I speak as a man who's not a regular nightclub attendee. Lying. It's my use of the word Diskatek. Hahaha. Perhaps everyone is wearing sweatpants

in nightclubs nowadays, Andy and I sound ridiculous, but somehow I doubt it. Also, so, I think that's what I don't call you funky stuff or nothing, John. Don't know when it'll ever call me that. Even sarcastically, that's never happened. You clearly haven't been reading the internet message boards. I do think you have a choice. Sweep pants are gone.

You can't have both or you do run the risk of shooting yourself in the leg. So you simply have to ask yourself on the way out of your house, which do I want more to take a loaded gun into a nightclub? Or to wear sweatpants there? I know I can't have both. It was certainly unorthodox play by a Plexigob Boris, and I guess that's what's made the giant so successful since the midpoint of last season. They're prepared to go that extra yard to get success, and if that means they're playing shooting themselves in the leg in a nightclub, so be it Jon, sometimes you've got got a win ugly but I have to say it surprised me a bit because I saw the giants play in their Wembley game

last October in London and Baris was playing and he didn't shoot himself in the leg once during that game so the formline suggests that you wouldn't shoot himself in the leg but I guess that's really what separates the top guys from the mop guys. It just goes to show how unpredictable the NFL can be. There have been no many other spectacular sport injuries of athletes trying to cheer people up with slapstick. Washington Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrot in 1997 celebrated scoring a rushing touchdown in the first half of overtime by spiking the ball and then headbuttika concrete wall in the Enzo damaging his neck nearly knocking himself out and meaning that he was unable to complete the game now that sounds like the behavior of a spectacular moron until you remember that this was of course the year that Princess Diana died

and I think this was Gus's attempt to help us all through that difficult time. Doc Ellis, the Pittsburgh Pirates picture, miscikingly thought he had a day off in 1970, so drove to Los Angeles to take LSD with some friends. One of them was reading the paper and noticed that, in fact, Doc was due to pitch that night against the Padres, so he got a quick flight to the stadium whilst in the midst of an acid trip and miraculously through a no-hitter Despite reportedly being unable to fill the ball or see the batter or catch it and This was clearly a gesture to America from doc to cheer them up during the conflict in Vietnam Was it also a gesture to John to suggest that top-level sport be far better if everyone was off their

minds on LSD. Well, I don't think acid is on the bandlist. That's not traditionally thought to be a performance in Hansen's run. And finally, how about the tale of Chris Hanson, the punter for the Jacksonville Jaguars in 2003. He saw the beginning of the Iraq War. He was clearly concerned that America was getting into a quagmire. Now the coach of the Jaguars had straitly put an axe and some wood in the locker room was a symbol that his team should keep chopping wood. Well Chris saw that axe. He raised it high above his head, brought it down and let's just say he didn't play again for the

rest of that year. I'm not sure, I only know how to say he acts these foot. Well I guess what people will be asking as you suggested earlier on is what's Placisco Burrest doing with a gun in a nightclub. Well I guess the closest the NFL has seen is when John L. Way unwittingly played the entire Super Bowl 21 with a collationic off court in his underpants. But we think maybe Burrest perhaps he misunderstood a drink promotion at the nightclub, which said, free shots with every whiskey and orange juice. Maybe alternatively, he found the gun in a gents toilet

and thought, well, this is no good at gunning a nightclub, that's against health and safety. I better take care of this. I'm probably the most responsible person here in this nightclub. I want a multi-million dollar contract and no way would I want to jeopardize that by firing it. I'll just pop it in my pocket for safekeeping. I'll have a quick cram

Reducing soda to celebrate being an incredibly highly paid sports star and responsibly call the police and hand the weapon in And then unfortunately by pure bad luck it went off. I guess in his defense, John He could say well, I might have shot a gun in a nightclub, but at least I haven't been running a massive illegal dogfighting ring for several years like Michael Vick. Got to relieve depressing news now and obviously the main global story has been the horrific events in Mumbai, India. In fact we spent the day on Monday and on the daily show trying to come up with angles on how to create some comedy out of this terrible situation which was obviously both the difficult and the demoralising way to spend the day. The only angle we came up with was off the back of all the news reports saying that these

were sophisticated attacks and refer to the terrorists as well-organised and highly trained, and seeming to miss out mentioning the fact that they are also, of course, arseholes, which is worth mentioning because they course, arseholes, which is worth mentioning, because they definitely are arseholes. And I'm sure the media are worried about offending people, but I'm also pretty sure that everyone will give them a pass on that one. And would mind them saying, the terrorists were young,

thought through a trundian Pakistan, and are all arseholes. I do hope they're not worried about being taken to court for slander, because that is a court case that terrorists would simply not win But Bush made a brief but swift statement within hours of the attacks beginning and always going well until he uttered the following sentence As the people of the yeah exactly as the people of the world's largest democracy recover from these attacks They can count on the people of the world's oldest democracy to stand by their side. What? What? Oldest democracy? What? What's he talking about? Ancient Greece. Is Aristotle going to come out of retirement and philosophise them into hell? Because surely there is

no way he's talking about America there because no one, absolutely no one thinks that America is the oldest democracy in the world No one thinks that Well John that very much depends what president Bush Means by the word oldest because yes the ancient Greeks might have got their first technically and of course We in Britain we've had a democracy going for some time albeit that for quite a lot of that time it was a total sham But I think what he meant was that the US democracy has some of the oldest Democrats in it.

And you think into the strong thermo who was still serving at age 100. Now, no single ancient Greek Democrat ever lived that long. And I think that's really what Bush meant. I'm so glad that a benign God chose to let strong thermo and be the politician that would live that long. He was such a pleasant man, Strom Thurmond, so I'm so glad that God let him do all the work

that he was put on earth to do, all the racist work. But he conducted the longest ever filibuster by US Senator in opposition to Civil Rights Act. That's true. He was a hero in no ways whatsoever. Happy birthday. It's his, he was a hero in no ways whatsoever. Happy birthday. It is his birthday. Is his birthday today? What? He hadn't been cruelly snatched from us.

He would be 106 today. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we. As we. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we. As we. As we were. As we. As we were. As we. As we. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we were. As we. As we were. As we. As we were. As we. As we. As we were. As we. That's so quiet of them. Well, I think I speak for all bugle listeners as well, John, when on the Mumbai incident. When I say, I really hope the governments of India and Pakistan don't talk themselves into a nuclear war over this. Yes. I'll really hope that. I mean, I know in India they've got elections coming up and they want to be seen to be doing something in Sanjury to prove that they've got the political strength to do something

in Sanjury to jeopardise their own nation's safety for political gain. But please, please take it easy. I guess, John, if there are two groups of people who benefit from terrorism, it's a no one and b, politicians. Apparently, John, since the attacks in Mumbai, a policeman in Mumbai have been accepting bribes of less than a dollar to waive Laurie's carrying contraband material through checkpoints. But I think that's what you've got to do when there's been terrorist attacks on. You've got to live your life as normal and don't let it change how you do your job. You've

got to stand up a fear of principles. So they've also apparently found explosives left over from the attacks in the train station a week after those attacks. The government spokesman described it as quotes Unfortunate and promised that next time we will survey it better Now there's optimism John next time not oops lucky that won't happen again due to increased security intelligence and diplomatic efforts just next time time. US round up now and Obama has been announcing his cabinet. It was said to mirror Lincoln's team of rivals and what he may take it even further because he has Hillary Clinton as

his secretary of state who seems to hate him. Robert Gates retaining his position as defense secretary despite being a Republican and disagreeing with him on many key issues and many other large personalities with completely different views to him. This is either Andy, extremely confident or extremely arrogant. He's saying, not only am I going to be a great president, I'm going to do it under self-imposed needless stunt conditions. He's like a motorcycle, he's saying, not only am I going to jump over 12 buses, I'm also going to set those buses on fire, slash the tires of my motorbike, set myself on fire, and land in a pit of tigers on the other side of the jump.

Obama could be the first president to govern wearing a crash helmet and a spangly cape. We're still via step up. You're right, you're right. I guess that's the situation he's in. Kind of demob happy before he's even been mobbed. He opened up with a signature message of hope saying, we are fighting two wars. Our old conflicts remain unresolved and newly asserted powers have put strains on the international system. The spread of nuclear weapons raises the peril that the world's deadliest technologies could fall into dangerous hands and are dependent on foreign oil in powers authoritarian

governments and in danger of our planet. He went on to say, Hillary, are you sure you don't want this job? Because I'm just telling you, it's yours if you want it. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. Just saying all this stuff out loud has really got me thinking. He also said, American values are America's greatest export to the world. And he's right Andy, values and cheese doodles. They're the greatest export. They're the ultimate back to corn snack. If you drop them on

yourself, they turn your clothes in an unsettling shade of orange. Did you think he's read Sun Seuss Art of War, John? Because I believe in that, the famous Chinese military strategist said, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And is he not scuppering Hillary's 2012 presidential bid? Possibly. Possibly. Possibly. Possibly. But you know, she could be a Trojan horse.

Hillary Clinton. It's not the first time that's been said. It was also Joe Biden's first time opening his mouth in public since the election. And he, exactly, he was briefly released and allowed to frolic in the gaff forest where he loves to run wild. He said, we brought together one of the most talented national security teams ever assembled. A team prepared to meet the serious challenges we face today and the emerging threats that will confront us tomorrow.

Whoa, hold up, tomorrow! Last time I checked he was saying a bomb was going to be tested within six months, now it's 24 hours. Cool your jets, nostradamus. Stop threatening us. Also in America, the American motor industry, who had been sent away in shame a week ago after demanding a bailout of $24 billion, a return to Washington this week having done some research and instead demanded $37 billion seemingly misunderstanding the fundamental tenets of

haggling. One of the unhelpful details still plaguing this story was how they got to the hearings. Last time they came under cartoon levels of criticism for flying to DC in their private jets, this time they all drove from Detroit and were again criticized this time for having drivers. But how is this a bad thing? I want them to have drivers, because they need to be working on that massive journey. I want them making phone calls to avoid this industrial catastrophe,

not listening to country rock radio channels and planning their next snack and was break. I think what people really wanted was for the to march barefoot, the entire journey, self-flagulating themselves, and perhaps even carrying crosses with them, which they could be nailed to for the duration of their hearings. Anything less, some people were going to be pissed off. The snack and was, that's a, isn't that a chain of motorway service stations?

It is, and it's the best. They're the best. Everything you want, you know, everything you need. Wases. They're the best. Everything you want, you know, everything you need. Wazzes. I guess John on the positive sides of the continuing economic catastrophe in developing America and the world in general. Plexcopa rest shot himself in the leg. Let's put it in perspective.

It just doesn't seem as bad this would. If it does get worse, Plexcop does have another leg. Britten news now, and the big story in Britain has been a political scandal about a member of the Conservative Front bench being arrested, and it's been a huge political story over here, John, and the... Did he shoot himself in the leg, Andy? I'm afraid he didn't, John. It wasn't quite. Then I'm not interested in this story, but carry on.

Well, you say you're not interested in this story, John. And that puts you very much in line with everyone else in the whole f*** country, apart from politicians and political journalists who have been banging on about it as if it's the f***ing mother coming back from their dead and declaring war on Germany again. Please leave us alone politicians. The big news this week in Europe, John, the European Court of Human Rights has declared that retaining the DNA and fingerprint records of unconvicted suspects is not lawful. The British government's pretty hacked off about this. Their view is very much, if you've done nothing wrong,

you've got nothing to worry about. A apart of course, new abuse of your personal information by government or unsolicited third parties. So, part of that, nothing to worry about. And people said the same about Guantanamo, John, and if they've done nothing wrong, they've got nothing to worry about, and they've improved right, because most of the people there, it has turned out, had done nothing wrong, and look at them now, free as birds. Surely John, a few years in carceration and abuse, is a price worth paying to reaffirm the concepts of freedom and justice for the whole planet. But I want them now.

It sounds like a fact. Well yeah, it's a clear cast iron fact. Most people wouldn't recognize their own DNA if it came up to them in a bar and started doing the double helix that made the latest nightclub dance craze I'm told on the table in front of them. Well, who goes to nightclub's less? Andy, you or I?

Very difficult to say. It's a tough call. How many have you been to in your life? Not many. Right. Certainly single figures. Yeah, I'm single figures too. I think I went to one as a student, maybe two. I'm not sure I've been since then. Did you dance at it, Andy? No, I don't dance. You did, didn't you? No, I didn't. I didn't. I threw no shapes. I bet you did. My shapes are too dangerous. I can't throw them in public. I've got a great photo from my wedding though.

You throwing a most massive shape. Oh god, that's true. I did dance at your wedding. I think we should post it on the webpage. It's a phenomenal, taken by my brother. Yeah, but you should definitely... It was a phenomenal photo. It was to the song The Voice, wasn't it?

I don't know. The voice kind of understandin'. It's quite an arty shot with John with one finger. His arm fully extended. The finger pointing at the sky is head thrown back in a kind of rock-driven moment of ecstasy that only John Farnham could possibly generate. It was an incredible amount. That's what it was an incredible amount. That's what happens if you repress all the moves that you've not busted in your teenage adolescence.

And then if they just erupt in one song. I do hope, John, if your career takes a little sideways turn and you release a rock album that you use that photo on the cover. A little sideways turn. That is a huge swerve off the side of a road. All I know about my DNA, John, is that it makes me over sleep, which is bad, but it also makes my daughter over sleep,

which is good. But what I'm worried about, what if it turns out that my great, great grandfather was Jack the Ripper? I don't want to be framed for his crimes, just because my DNA is on the database, from a crime I didn't commit. Well, I want to know, Andy, why are the police in the UK storing this information? Are they storing this DNA up so they can one day develop a super criminal?

Like Dr Frankenstein which they will try and control but who will ultimately destroy them? I've been trying to do that for you, that's basically the royal family. They're just keeping injecting them with different bits of DNA to see what happens. The thing is John, the government already knows my address and my mother's maiden name. So why don't you need more information? If it ever finds out the name of my favourite cricketer, I'm doomed. Absolutely doomed. There'll still be my money. Perhaps this is the way out of the credit crunch. They just use all the information they legitimately have on us all to hack into our bank accounts and steal the money up front instead of slowly diddling it out of us through taxes.

Either that or you know the way I credit is stealing my wallet in Vegas and going on a spending spree with my cards. What did they buy? I'll get to find out tomorrow. I'll tell you next week. Oh that's good. Because I had a wallets stolen in Bologonia in Italy. They went to an outdoor equipment shop and them at tent. The W on sale, just by a court case brought by it at the president, but they must carry a label saying that they're offensive to him. But what a great ruling this is, John, if you can't stick pins in a voodoo doll of the French president, who can you stick pins in a voodoo doll of these days? Mary crapping poppins. Perhaps he's got all this wrong, and it's not voodoo, it's acupuncture. It's just the French public trying to release the compassion blocks that are clearly clogging

up his body, enabling some compassion to come out of his mouth. But the court has ruled that they must pay him symbolic damages of one euro, Ouch! Ouch Andy, that is a humiliating settlement for him. In fact, I hope they're going to force themselves to put a label on that ruling saying that that could be offensive to him. Well frankly John, if you're a politician and no one's sticking pin in a voodoo doll of you, you're not doing your job. As the late Abraham Lincoln himself wrote in his ten step guide to being a top-match president, you can have all of the people sticking voodoo pins in you some of the time

and some of the people sticking voodoo pins in you all of the time, but you shouldn't have all of the people sticking voodoo pins in you all of the time. So just part and parcel being a politician. Are you sure that's true? And are you sure he wrote that? He definitely did write that, John. I've got it in front of me on my computer. I'll take you word for it, because Abraham Lincoln

wrote these words. Admittedly, I wrote those words. But you trust yourself, don't you? Yeah. But if you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? But it does suggest that, John. These does, he's on cell for two months now. And so, I personally seems to be fine. So, it suggests that they don't work.

So, he's really got nothing to worry about. Or maybe he's just really tough. And just doesn't show the pain. But I've certainly not seen him giving a speech in which he's going, it is important, everyone in Europe stick together and he's difficult economic... YOOOO! Feels like massive needle penetrating vital organs!

Nine! Nine snowser! Oh no, my stick with his out! Ha ha ha! I've been... And scene! Andy, you took us on such a journey there, with that performance. Well, journey across the Franco-Jerman border. Incidentally, that was the sixth legal action

so our cosy has launched since he was elected King of France last year. I can't help thinking, John, he should concentrate on his f*** job. Just because your wife's a club-bowler doesn't mean you have to keep launching legal cases. Your emails now and sadly due to American football stars shooting themselves in the leg and entertaining us more than probably as appropriate. As you know, don't say that. Don't say that, Andy. There is nothing inappropriate about finding real joy in this incredible moment of slapstick.

We don't have time for many of you to email sadly, this however came in from Matt Kendrick in Prescott, Arizona, on the subject of linguistics and he simply writes, I am of the opinion that John is fluent in Arabic. What? John is that opinion founded? I mean, I have to say I've known you for, now what, almost, over nine years. And I've never heard you stumble over an Arabic sentence. That's true.

Yeah. To be honest, I've never tried to speak Arabic, so maybe I am. Yeah. You just don't know it. Yeah. You just have to put yourself in that situation. Yeah. It's like, can you take a penalty in a World Cup final?

Well, you don't know until you do it. That's right. And if he believes in me, then maybe that's all that's going to take. That's right. And you know, if he believes in me, then maybe maybe that's all it's going to take. That's right. He's giving you props, John. Well, I'll take those props. And thank you for the props. What are props in Arabic, John? Al-Hayah, Tunza Milla. So the Hothi's from History, Roundup and Final Selection for the 2009 calendar is delayed until next week's bugle. So do keep your nominations and other emails coming into the bugle at thumbsonline.co.uk or we will hunt you down and kill you.

That is starting to sound like an empty threat. It's my catchphrase. I've got to have a catchphrase to be a successful comedian. This has been holding me back. Sport now and cycling. Lantam Strong is back. John, he's going to ride in the Tour de France next year. Has this been big news in America? It has actually, yeah. It has been, you know, he's American. So of course, it's big news in America. People still mutter John about how his seven Tour de France victories were hollow. That's for reasons such as that he had a flashier bike than all the other boys or that he was bitten by a radioactive bicycle as a teenager. Or that his opponents had to ride penny far things

while he was on a 750cc Kawasaki. But none of these have ever been proved, John, and the guy clearly knows one end of a bicycle from the other. And it's going to be fascinating to see how he does. He wants a new challenge, John. He's not only going to ride the Tour de France. He's also going to compete in the Zero Detailia on a unicycle. And the Lavuelta in Spain on a hobby horse., he's not only going to ride the Tour de France, he's also going to compete in the Zero Detailia on a unicycle and the Lavuelta in Spain on a hobby horse and he's such a competitor John, I think he's gonna win them all. Good luck to him, no one, no one's saying he isn't determined to a fault. Finally the Bugle forecast and the forecast is John by this time next week, will I be the father of two children or the father of them?

Oh, wow. Okay. Well, that is interesting. Now on on previous form. Previous form is gonna be out in the middle of this week because you told us 10 days early and Okay, this one's due on the 19th. Do you know what I'm gonna say one child this time? What are you saying? Child I think what I think I've got a feeling It's gonna be about on time this time. I think one okay Okay, okay, what does come out what make of baby will it be do you think it will be I think you are due a Reebok on you a Reebok what a shoe oh sorry, yeah, baby. Sorry boy. I'm gonna go boy Andy boy fingers crossed second time lucky. Yeah, it'll just be great to be sat in the box at Wimbledon watching My two kids win the mixed doubles title

That's what a dream about that night and What we have called it. I mean that's the other prediction. What are we gonna call it? In fact, let's have a competition What name should we give our incoming child you people? Listeners is dangerous. You people, this is can name my child. First name, Jigme. Little name Wang Chuk. The winner will receive a commemorative vomit stained muzzle in cloth as hooked on by new baby's

ultimate disclaimer time. The bugle reserves are right not to use the winning name on the baby's birth certificate passport or any official unofficial documents or ever out loud or internally. The bugle also reserves are right not to use the winning name on the baby's birth certificate passport or any official or unofficial documents or ever out loud or internally. The bugle also reserves are right to enter and win the competition itself without consultation with any third party other than Mrs. Salzman. I guess we could sell the naming rights. I mean, it feels okay for a stadium, why not for a baby, John? There you go. I mean, you got the minute made parking, Houston, you got the Reebok in Bolton, the Emirates stadium in the...

There you go, Reebok in Bolton, the Emirates stadium in the... They go Reebok in the Reebok's basement. You got the Emirates in the city of Arsenal, near London. So I was thinking if we called our child Carpet Rights in exchange for a hundred quid from the Carpet showroom chain that's just opened a new branch at the bottom of our road. That might sound a bit cheap at the time, but give it 20 years and people would have forgotten John. It would just be a nice unusual name and he or she could hide the the carpet right logo which was tattooed on his or her chest at eight days old as part of the deal Just hide it under t-shirt. I mean is that so done. Is that so different from circumcision? Is circumcision not just an advert for Judaism and what an advert?

And 100 quid coming you for a current bank interest rates in 20 years time. That's gonna be worth 103 quid coming you for a current bank interest rates in 20 years time that's gonna be worth 103 quid Do you want me to look that gift-toss in the mouth John do I look like an acquired dentist? Do I know no I'm saying no lots of people call their child Jane after the military hardware and intelligence magazine their mother was reading during conception Or Gilbert after a rugby ball manufacturer their father was thinking about during conception or Sky after what satellite TV service their father was hoping he'd remembered to set the cricket highlights record on during childbirth so people are already basically selling naming rights just not getting any money for it. Now shouldn't we the bugle take out some

space, Sandy? Maybe we should start advertising bugle's ultimate, how's that? Bugle's ultimate is nice, we're into it. It's a definite possibility. Well I'll put it on the long list. Blacksico, please. Shoot your other leg. Does that response mean that you think I'm not mature enough to be a good father? Bye bye, Budlers. Bye bye! Keep shooting, Blacksico. Keep on shooting. Three limbs to go. Music