The Bugle - Midterms, appendage art and WOMEN: Bonus Bugle

Episode Date: November 11, 2018

Some classic midterm news from John and Andy, the penis on the roof and something special from Producer Chris. Respect to Jim Acosta, Abby Phillip, April Ryan, Yamiche Alcindor and anyone who dares question that enormous lunatic.With@HelloBuglersJohn OliverAlice FraserNish KumarHari Kondabolu@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-, and welcome to Budal Sub-episode 486A. There's no full Budal this week. If you want to imagine what the full Budal would have been like this week, covering the

US midterms and the latest rumbling with Brexit, well here's basically a summary of what it would have been like. Uhhhhhh. Just with words instead of noises and stretched out for around about another half an hour. We will be back next week with a full bugle recorded live at the Leicester Square Theatre on Wednesday 14th November with me, Nish Kumar and Felicity Ward tickets available on the internet.

We will see you all there. In the meantime, here is a collection of tasty morsels from recent bugles, bugles passed and some extra bits I've been told may have been created by someone. Now we're going to delve into the bugle archives for some classic US midterm past. Top story this week, White House 2010 Asia dates and the off-dabbing is arse handed to him in the midterm elections. Presidents of Obama was faced with a choice. Did he stand and fight like a man or did he run off on a long scheduled very important tour of India Indonesia South Korea and Japan like a president? Well obviously it was option number two, the coward.

The results of the midterm elections have made it very clear that the American people wanted a farmer to focus on American jobs. And so that is what he was going to do. And even if he was 8,000 miles away, he was going to focus on some 8,000 mile away American jobs. Even before he left, he wanted to make it painfully clear what the purpose of this trip was going to be. He held a press conference and said, I want to be able to say to the American people when they ask me, why are you spending time in India? Aren't they taking our jobs? I want to be able to say, actually, you know what? And then there was what felt like a long pause. And it was as if the president was considering saying, you know what?

F*** you. This job is actually really f***ing difficult. This trip is extremely important in ways that I'm not even going to bother you with now, which will probably have a very direct impact on your everyday lives. It's going to be extremely hard work, but I don't mind that, because I'm the f***ing president. What I'm not going to be doing is taking souvenir photos where I'm acting like I'm holding up or I'm about to eat the Taj Mahal, like you would if you were here, you f***ing morons. But instead, instead Andy, he took that pause and he said,

actually, you know what, they just created 50,000 jobs. Now, did he do the right thing not listening to the instincts? Only history can say. All I can say is that the second version was a lot less memorable and it seemed to be a lot less fun for him to say. His face does have that sort of look about it at the moment. Particularly in that press conference he did after the election results. Very much his face says, I can't believe I've got two more years of this bullshit. Yes.

That face that says, I already didn't like Republicans, and now I've got even more of the obstructive little dickbags, clogging up the place. He's sort of like a Michelin star chef told that all he can use is a revel machine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know why we need the people, don't you? Not enough bees. That's bullshit. That's enough. A number of you have sent in links to various massive penis drawing related stories. Let's go back to one of the original classics.

Bugle 69. Top story this week. And penises on roofs. You see Andy, the bugle is already changing. It's in LA and it's already become a tension-grabbingly commercial. We are dumbing down. It's happening down this city of Fallen Angels.

It's true, this story is indeed about Penises on Rooms and 18-year-old in Britain secretly painted a 60-foot drawing of a fallace on the roof of his parents 1 million pound mansion in Barxia. It was there for around a year before his parents found out and they've said they're going to have they're going to make him clean it off when he gets back from traveling. What a story Andy! A fortnight ago it was monkeys who stepped forward to take the bugles coveted top story

slot and provide much like relief to a world frozen in economic fear. This week, step forward, rooftop penises. What a story! Well, this is unquestionably the new story of the decade, I would say. I mean, there's a global recession. You can take that. You can take your funky new president in America. You're looming environmental mega catastrophe, you're ongoing wars, the gradual devastation of everything

we as a species hold dear, and even that meteorite that's going to destroy the planet Earth next Wednesday, that's a bit of a bugle scoop that one. But there's only one story in town in the first decade of the third millennium, and that is this boy painting a massive Wang on the roof of his parents' mansion, everything else seems irrelevant now, John. A boy's painted gigantic Johnson on a big house. And I think what this goes to show is that when times are at their toughest, John, and when the present is bleak and the future is even bleaker, humankind will go back to basics, back to its roots,

and commune with its primeval prehistoric self, and draw a massive cock on something. It happens since the dawn of time, don't look at the Sir and Abbas giant down in the west country and England started off when a teenage caveman chiseled a giant willian balls onto his parents hill. His dad was so embarrassed that he drew a giant man around it and pretended it was religious. So when God was drawing up the blueprint for the human being, John, you know, he created simple, elegant, without too many vulnerable external pretubrances. All of a sudden he gets a bit bored, draws a cock on balls on it, giggles, goes to bed, oversleap to the point that his over-efficient secretary has already sent the drawing off

to be made up into a living being. That's where the problems begin. I'm 31 years old. Why do I find this story so funny? We'll put the photo of this up on the website and I heartily encourage you to go and take a look at it because it truly is a work of art. Michelangelo had the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and the heavens. This kid had a roof and a massive penis. They're basically the same. But for me, this story brings up a number of key questions

at least. One. What does this do to the house price? Because if they find that it's actually added value, then perhaps people will have to draw massive penis on their roofs to compete. These are tough times, I need to buy a market. People used to have the smell of freshly baked bread

and coffee to shift a house. Now, it's all about the painted roof penis. I think there's another question, John. What on earth? What is that question? What on earth possessed a teenage boy to paint a massive slug on his parents' roof? And I guess the obvious answer to that is

that he's a teenage boy and his parents have a roof. And you know, nature. Nature to create, he was going to draw a penis somewhere. Okay, I have another question in return to that and I'll point out that simply that they had it for an entire year without noticing which really makes you think can anyone truly say they are 100% sure that they don't have a massive penis on their roof right now. When was the last time you were

up on your roof? A penis could be there right now. How does the lesson go? Laugh not at were up on your roof? A penis could be there right now. How does the lesson go? Laugh nod at the penis on your neighbor's roof until you're sure that you don't have an even bigger penis on yours. It's like one of Esaubsmore obscene fables. The ones he wrote when he was drunk late at night. How about you Andy? Can you be absolutely sure you don't have a penis on your roof?

I can't be absolutely sure, John, but I can verify that no penis shaped aircraft have landed on my roof by mistake thinking that was a penis craft pad. But I guess, you know, there's another way of looking at this, John, as a tangential way of answering your question about whether I've got a penis on my roof. And that is, it could be a fertility symbol. Maybe this lad just wanted to have a little younger brother

or sister to play with. He was trying to summon the assistance of some primeval divinity to bring fruit to his mother's womb. Who knows? All I do know, John, is that when my wife and I were trying to get pregnant for the first time, we painted a dangle on two nuggets on our roof. Unfortunately, at the time, we were living in a downstairs flat. So we had some very angry neighbors from the upstairs flat asking us to replace their

living room carpet with something a little bit less obscene. Also the parents here claim that this is their son's doing, but let's be fair, he's not there to defend himself from this charge. They could be stitching him up, let's play Colombo for a second here, because this case may be trickier than it initially appears. Could it be they are framing their own son to protect themselves from the truth that they painted a massive penis on their own roof? I will hope he no one would notice. It's the perfect crime. Or was this a more

supernatural occurrence? Aliens have been said to regularly swoop down in the middle of the night and create mysterious crop circles. Perhaps they're branching out. They finished their crop circle phase and are now experimenting with roofs and penises. Well, I've got another explanation for this, John, and I think the boy is guilty of this charge of painting a massive penis on his parents' roof. Well, I think what it is, John, is it the pitch markings from the old English sports of the roof game, which is an early form of football which originated on the roof of Eaton College Chapel in the 16th century. Now the story goes that an

infestation of dry rot resulted in the discoloration of the roofing timbers on the chapel in the shape of the aforementioned anatomia and during a decade of flooding the school is forced to move the entire school operation onto the chapel roof. Now they started playing the roof game using this kind of pitch marking that nature created on their roof. And now in the roof game one team defends the NADGE end, named off the two semi-circular shapes one in which looked like an ecclesiastical NADGE, which is a two-headed sector used by school chaplains in medieval times. This team was known as the Natchez. Now, the other team defended the enneris, the chapels main bell, or the bell end, where the dry rot fungi had grown bound tofully around the outline of a spare bell

that had been left on the roof after the school camp andology society meeting had degenerated into an alcoholic sea of fumbling homosexualism. It has its traditional at at school such as the... So that lead to a bell left unattended on the roof on a stormy night. This team of course was known as the Bellens. Now the attacking side had to use the slope of the roof to curl a ball, which is originally made

from the stomach of the school's least popular boy. To curl that around the defenders at the long narrow center of the pitch. This process was known as shaffing, as the boys would roll up their school gowns or shafts. To use a slings to impart extra spin on the ball. o'r gwybod. Mae'r gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwy this involved scratching the nages or tagging each member of the Nage Defence with the ball whilst in the Nage Zone. Oh, God, for the Nages' score, require them to yank them. Yank the bellens, otherwise the rest of the defenders out of the bellend area, leaving an attacking Nage with the ball in the Arlock-Yupide Zone.

Now, of course, neither side scored either a yank or a scratch between 16 and 0, 4 and 18, 56, making it very likely the wall game. Now of course neither side scored either a Yank or a scratch between 1604 and 1856, making it very lengthy, and wall game. When a successful scratch in the Nages attracted such nationwide press interest that Queen Victoria in Prince Albert invited a pop down the road from Windsor Castle to watch a game. Whilst observing from above in the Royal Hath Airbloom, the professional Queen and Mother of Eight were seen to succumb into fits of Giggled, pointing at the outline of the pitch and chuckling to Albert, who himself then began to laugh. Queen Victoria was then seen to apparently grab Albert's nethercoats

with her royal hand, provoking yet more laugh as a loving couple disappeared from view into the balloon's basket. Albert reappeared briefly, just as sever the cord tethering the balloon to the ground, and the royal balloon floated off somewhat unsteady, rocking vigorously from side to side to the sounds of Lassevia's growls and Prince Consort, an ecstatic whoops from her majesty. Nine months later, Princess Beatrice was born, but the headmaster and Provost of Eden were so disturbed at the moral and psychological devastation, wreaked upon the schoolboy, something the monarch thruggling her husband, but they instantly banned the roof game from ever happening again. Having viewed the roof from above, and realising

that it did, in fact, look quite like a gentleman's exhibits, they covered the old wooden roof with a giant tar pool in which currently resides in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's largest posing pouch. And the roof game fell into obscurity until it was just recently heroically resuscitated by this brave young teenager from Barca. And of course the term's Naja Belendon shaft remain in popular uses today. You are a husband and father of two. OK. You are a husband and father of two. Ha ha ha. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Incredibly attractive famous people. I've got no interest. There's always hidden victims and Go fuck yourself

Women We're all women here we go We're all women that's enough I Had one beer I want them. I had one beer. Beer. Beer. Beer.

Beer. I don't know. I don't know. As you know, Miss President, the caravan was not an invasion. It's a group of migrants moving up from Central America towards the border. You're a very rude person. But I had one beer.

You are the enemy of the people. Go ahead. Not enough beer? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. The way you treat Sarah Huckabee is horrible. I don't know. There you go, that was your special bonus. Extra free sub-episode bugle for this week. As I said, we will be back next week with Bugle 4,87 recorded live at Leicester Square

Theatre on Wednesday, the 14th of November, with me, Nish Kumar and Felicity Ward. Don't forget you can buy tickets to my Andy Zoltzman 2018, the certifiable history show that's at Soho Theatre from the 18th of December until the roughly fifth or sixth of January, let's just ballpark it details and tickets on the internet. Until next week, goodbye. you