The Bugle - Obama and KSM

Episode Date: June 8, 2008

The 32nd ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Bugal audio newspaper for a visual world Hello, Bugalers welcome to issue 32 of the Bugal. Yes, that means that in terms of knockout tournaments It is now a full football world cup of Bugal's

What's gonna be in the group of death? I don't know but last week's last week's Bugal is a strong contender For the week beginning Monday the 9th of June, with me and his ultraman in London and in New York City, USA. It's John Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bughlers. Let's synchronize our watches. It's Bugle of Clock.

The international date line of Bugle of Clock. It knows no GMT. it knows no Pacific time, the Bugle is its own time zone, and it wraps around this fear. That is true given that it is a podcast, so people will listen to it at random times. There you go, then what started as an inane comment has turned into something approaching a fact, even if it's not in the door of the fact. I would say it's more than a fact, John, I'd say it's an immutable truth. As always, some sections of the audio newspaper go straight in the bin.

This week, a special home security section should you use old or new technology, CCTV or a crocodile infested mode. Also, new government advice on how to deal with burglars. They now suggest trying to welcome the burglar into your family, confusing with hospitality, then slips a method on into his conflicts in the morning to give him his fix. Also how to deter burglars. Barrow some police do not cross-tap from your local bobby on the beat, cordon your house off, and put a small white tent up on the front lawn. No one has got to burgle that house. Also in the bin, a new Where Are They Now series featuring the great composers.

Week 1, the Czech music whiz, Bedrex Metana. Following a stellar career which involved writing more solo piano works than the lot of you put together, smitten a slip into obscurity following his death at the age of 60 and 1884. He became something of a loner and spent all of his time away from the public gaze in a little box on the ground in the vice-red cemetery in Prague. Although his music has continued to wow audience his critics alike, Smith and her himself has done pretty much bugger all for the last 124 years. Next week, whatever happened to Mozart, he used to be everywhere. Top story this week and Barack Obama is the Democratic candidate for president.

The US general election has finally begun. You may have thought that it has already been going on for a demoralising amount of time, but those were just the primaries. And that was mere electoral foreplay. Now it's time for the full-blown, unprotected, vigorous, democratic rutting. And after November, we can all roll over and go to sleep for the next four years. So it is all over. It seems for the Hillary Clinton campaign, Bill Hillary and Chelsky Clinton have been gathered around the campaign's bedside

for the last few days, holding a candlelit vigil for a campaign that has simply refused to die, despite being essentially medically dead for ages now and having lost all of its useful functions, the Clintons have refused to unplug it from its special machine until its eyelids have completely stopped twitching. Hillary speech on the final primary last week was the biggest verbal tease I've heard for some time, knowing that people were simply waiting for her to pull out of the race. She expertly strung the plot out like a daytime soap opera writer and she started

with such sympathy from people. She'd run a great race. Now, I'd been just as historic a candidate as Barack. She left everything out there on the field. It was just time to wrap it up. I don't know, to be fair, that's how it began. She complimented Barack Obama and his campaign, saying, it has been an honor to contest these primaries with him just as it is an honor to call him my friend and tonight. I would like all of us to take a moment to recognize him and his supporters for all they've accomplished.

Perfect. Gracious, selfless, and most important me of all, past tense. America leaned forward in its lazy boy thinking, here it comes, the longest candidacy dog fight we've seen is about to come to a close. Then all of a sudden we hit the future tense and she says, I want to turn this economy around. I want healthcare for every American. And America jumped off its lazy boy screaming, no, you wanted to turn this economy around. Now you want someone else to do it. You left everything out on the field, remember? Stop putting things

back out on the field. Then America Stop putting things back out on the field. Then America slumped back into its lazy boy, defeated. As she said, this has been a long campaign, and I'll be making no decisions tonight. On what? What film to push to the top of your Netflix queue? You lost! It's over! That is the beauty of an election. This decision gets made for you. Every person gets one decision, and then you count all the decisions up, apart from Michigan and Florida, like you agreed on. And then, the person with the least decisions stops. And in this case, that's you. So please stop! Just look at the woman enjoy herself, John. I mean, thinking a lot about the highlights of

Clinton's campaign, it's been a quite heroic attempt to become the first woman to be nominated for presidency since the Republicans nominated Solsing a Betty Swan in 1968. Although this of course was an administrative error, the guy filling in Richard Nixon's application form had Siren voice Betty's hit song Make Me Yours going round in his head at the time and wrote the wrong name down. Nixon incidentally narrowly missed out on a Grammy that year. I think the highlights from E. John is the phenomenal amount of money that Hillary managed to raise during her campaign. A lot of it, really just from turning up on her own doorstep at 6.30 in the morning, hassling herself to

donate. In the end, she usually ended up caving in and just writing a check to herself for a couple more million just to make herself leave herself alone. Yes, she was her own greatest donor. But she's shown incredible mental toughness, Andy. It's like losing the Olympic 100 metres by three seconds, but turning up to the medal ceremony anyway, standing on top of the podium and waiting for the goal to be put around your neck. Perhaps she's just going to turn up to the White House on an organisation day with enough confidence that they'll just swear her in to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation

Either that or Obama will walk into the oval office and she'll somehow already be behind the desk typing And let's not fear also that it's not necessarily over for her all together John because she did win the election in Puerto Rico Last week which means that technically she is president or queen of Puerto Rico. I don't know which they have there. She could use Puerto Rico as a base, John, use her force of personality, her willpower, and her connections to build up Puerto Rico's a nation, becoming the new Fidel Castro only with a different hat before invading America to settle some scores like a vengeful carrot

going on the rampage in a rabbit hutch. Never eat my children again, earhead. That's true though, if anyone, if anyone, a lot, you can drag America back into a civil war it's her. But I wonder if this proves on the fact that Obama, rather than Hillary, has won, that America as a nation is more sexist than racist. Is that so? Or are they just saving up the racism for the really big one when the whole world is watching? I mean, the beauty they're just waiting that they can vote for John McCain and make a sexist

and racist choice. Well, that is for your quintessential American voter there. I mean, the debate now rages on over whether a bomb will pick Hillary as a running mate, a bomber as a young black man, so you would think he'd really need to pick as vice president the oldest whiteest man in the world, and he can't do that because he's running against him. Boom! Boom! Take that, you war hero!

Boom! Clinton has been a very divisive character. She's really split the crowd. A various institutions, apparently grade presidential candidates and the National Rifle Association gave Hillary an F for stance on Second Amendment issues. But on the flip side, the Drum Major Institute gave her an A-grave in the subject of middle-class issues. So it just goes to show. I don't know what it goes to show, but it goes to show. She's very pro drums as well. I mean, I know they said that wasn't the issue they were voting on, but it has to have helped. Well,

she has spent most of the last eight years banging her own drum. So maybe that's something to do with that. most awful last eight years banging her own drum. So maybe that's something to do with that. I guess that there are a few problems with picking Hillary Clinton as VP, one large parts of America Hater and Hater is not a vote magnet unless you're a Republican and attaching that magnet to gay people, immigrants or abortionists. Two, her husband will be a problem, he has more skeletons in his closet than Pol Pot. And finally, number three, the fact that Hillary probably wouldn't see it as vice president, so much as co-presidents, or indeed just president.

In fact, there was a rumours from within the Clinton camp that Bill Clinton has spent most of the last few days skipping round the family breakfast table, saying, hands up, if you've ever been president. Oh, looks like I win that one again. You won't make me a coffee. I really feel that that's such a good joke to play and it's such a unique joke amongst couples. I think he has to do it at some point. I'm not saying do it now. The wound is raw. But I think sometime 18 months time it's got to be worth. The whole room will go quiet and she'll know what's coming.

Bugle Lord News now and the law very much in inverted commas. Khaled Shake, Muhammad's the number three ranked terrorist and al-Qaeda and four of his henchmen are appearing before a military tribunal in Guantanamo Bay. Shouldn't you technically call him the bronze medal terrorist? Yeah, he's bronze medal. I guess, you know, if you're having a terrorism Davis cup tie, you probably wouldn't have him in the singles, but you might have him playing doubles with Bin Laden. Or maybe if it was a dead rubber, he might get one of the three set singles on day three.

That's right. Last week was the opening day at Guantany, might get one of the three set singles on day through. That's right. Last week was the opening day at Guantanamo Bay of the trial of the... And it's mastermind of the 9-11 tax on the US. So I say trial, it is in fact a military tribunal, just to put America in an even more controversial situation. They just live for controversy at the moment, Andy. They're like early 90s Madonna. Of course, a lot of people are, that he won't get a fair trial

and America's response to this is, well, he should have thought of that before he did his terror. But proving both sides points, I guess. The man in question, Khaled Sheikh Mahamid has dismissed the trial as an inquisition and is demanding to represent himself in court. He said that he had five years under torture and wish to become a martyr and it seems as though America is about to oblige. And if you're an al-Qaeda leader and I'm not saying you are, I'm not saying you are, although I'm not saying you're not either. I merely don't have enough information either way at this time.

If you are though, then you've got almost everything on your wish list of hate to Santa since September 10th 2001. You pulled off an improbable and brutal attack which provoked you all victim to lash out wildly at anyone with an owl anywhere near their name, turning genuine sympathy into resentment, then outright hostility, add into the mix an illegal war fostering even more resentment, and then the cherry on the cake being that if you need someone to bump you off into the eternal paradise that you inexplicably think you deserve. Then once again, just rub the great sighting up the wrong way and like a myopic genie, your wish will be granted.

Can we call him Callid or is that a bit over for me? I'm going to call him KSM. He sounds like a Dutchie. He said these exact words, I'm looking to be martyr for a long time. Perhaps suggesting that he learnt his English from a Thai prostitute. Which, you know, I don't know if that's going to be relevant to the trial. But it's interesting that it's OK to say, and the USA, for once actually very much singing off the same hymn sheet. And hymn number one in this case is,

bring on the death penalty. Words by D. Rumsfeldt, music by Hubert Perry, 1918 1918 to the tune of Jerusalem. Surely, and anything he wants to do, you should do the opposite. This man is a power tool. Now, because he went on to shelts, at the end of this little speech, God is great, God is great, God is great. Now, if God does reward Andy Dose, who perpetrate mindless acts of mass violence. I will happily not go to heaven because I don't want to spend eternity having all conversations with an asshole. Again, that's a big if.

If God does reward that, if. KSM has undergone the US hobby of waterboarding, simulated drowning, which seems to be going on quite a lot so much so that some inmates have apparently evolved gills as a defense mechanism. But cleverly,, they did this not in Guantanamo Bay, so in legal terms, it's fine as long as the prosecuting lawyer looks sideways at the judge and taps the side of his nose when introducing the evidence. So it will be okay.

The problem is how fair a trial can actually be when the prosecution openly admits using waterboarding and other issues of torture tap bass. I mean try that in front of Judge Judy, she'll laugh you out of the courtroom. It's thought that the prosecution are going to try and reobtain the information they're going through waterboarding with so-called clean questioning. Even that sounds a little sinister. I mean maybe they'll just try the old, I remember that thing you said to us when you thought you were drowning.

What was that again? And if he says it then boom, that has got to be admissible. He said the exact same words in the non-presumers of death scenario, banter rights, bucko. Also, the little notice, 28th amendments that the Bush regime has hurried through could be crucial, that amendment being that out of sight, out of mind, is now legally binding, as is what Geneva doesn't know, won't hurt it. Also, the trials are taking place in camp justice in Guantanamo, which does sound rather like a new prime time TV show, in which Graham North presides over retrials in a special spangly court at the old Bayley.

Actually, Andy, the key thing there, it's like with Japanese, the key thing is the inflection, it's actually camp justice. There's a question mark at the end of it. But we can't complain John, we can't complain about the way America is conducting these trials, because let's not forget they invented the war on terror, so they can make the rules. It's very much like when we in Britain invented cricket. No one can claim that the LBW law is objectively morally right, but because we invented the great game and we didn't want people putting their legs in the way the wickets, we invented the LBW law. It would be the highest cantaloupe on the Mellon shelf of hypocrisy to demand that America

backs down on this. But what is KSM's problem, Andy? The US has pledged that he will receive a fair trial and they don't just pledge anything, you know. When these people pledge something, it stays pledged. No joke. If they pledge, they will get you a cup of coffee. You know you have a cup of hot hot bean coming your way. US Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that Washington is stuck with Guantanamo, whether people want to close it or not. This administration has effectively given this country a deeply regrettable tattoo to remember them by, and it's going to take a long time and be extremely expensive to erase that tattoo.

Of the 270 or so prisoners there, gate claims around 50 to 70 of them were an irreducible minimum, but against whom it will be very difficult to bring charges due to either not enough or no evidence. Terrific selling job, Willie Lohman. I'll take it. There is a group which are seen as being too dangerous to release but who no case can be brought. And this seems to suggest that when they were brought into Guantanamo they were innocent but they've now been treated so badly that they are fully qualified terrorists with a violent grudge against the West. In other words, they've managed to create their very own terrorist camp and now they know the location of one of the most effective producers of Islamic terrorists. against the West. In other words, they've managed to create their very own terrorist camp, and

now they know the location of one of the most effective producers of Islamic terrorists. They have absolutely no option but to order airstrikes against themselves. I'm sick of evidence though John, it just really clogged up the legal system. It must be so dull for judges, you know, another bit of evidence. Oh, let me guess, is it another exhibit? What a surprise, please do show it to the jury. I'm sure they're absolutely busting to see it. The most interesting detail of the trial so far is perhaps this. KSM saw the sketch made of him by the court artist when it was given to the defence team and he complained that it made his nose look too big. The artist said she would alter the sketch accordingly. See, we're not complete

animals, KSM. Also, it's interesting that he would choose to focus on the court artist's sketch of him after five years of imprisonment and torture and imminent death. I suppose everyone has to draw the line somewhere. I was actually in, Andy, a replica of Guantanamo cell. This last weekend in Philadelphia in Philadelphia and that's what I'm afraid entirely alone in thinking that and I can tell you it is about the size of a Japanese hotel room with none of the kits chic but some people see a torture chamber and the I see this studio space cozy fixer-upper very quiet neighbors secure location close to the beach in a gated. It all depends how you look at these listings.

Also, it's been controversy over the American use of floating prisons. That sounds like a nightmare to me, John. I used to find it claustrophobic when I went punting in Oxford, so I can imagine what a prison boat is like. So much force bonnet me when you're in a boat. Let's get really grating. Boo's news now. And cheers Andy. Cheers. You're very, very, very good health. Boris Johnson, who through some combination of a sick twist of fate and the moronic instincts of voters has become the mayor of London, attempted his first piece of legislation last week, namely to ban the drinking of alcohol on the London Underground. And London has reacted to this alcohol ban by throwing a weekend

circle line drinking party which led to a trial of broken glass, 17 arrests and six closed stations. The trial of broken glass was very much in the spirit of Hansel and Gretel leaving breadcrumbs out to find their way home. Revlers could simply follow their vomit, urine, glass and shame safely home. It's a more visceral old fashioned version of GPS. But, Andy, here's the thing, there is only one person in Britain now remaining who is above this ban. This ban of Dring on the Tube, and that is the only person who is above the law in Britain, Andy, and who might that be. I think it is Her Majesty the Queen, Andy. Oh no I don't know where

this is going. Her Majesty the Queen, it is now her monarchical duty to go on a drunk and rampage around the underground. What better way of demonstrating her power than getting blasted on 45 wine and taking a corgi out for a ride on the Piccadilly line. Listen Andy, there's been some shock in America about the scenes coming out of London, which seem to resemble a heronimous posh painting. But, is it the thing every nation and he has its favourite form of consumable self-an-iolation for Americans, its food, for the British, it is the tip. It's interesting I say that you said your good health, which is obviously a greeting

that you use when sharing a drink with someone, given that the spectacular number of deaths now caused by alcohol abuse in Britain. And I think a lot of the problems on the tube came down to a misunderstanding of a matter of law. British law is very confused ever since we joined the European Union. And I think a lot of young people in particular think that it is still illegal to drink less than your body weight in alcohol. But that's just a misunderstanding.

It is actually legal not to drink that much. You know, as a nation, we're basically drinking to forget everything that we've done. When you have this much of a terrible past, then you need something as an anesthetic to make this shame go away. That's why Americans don't drink as much. They haven't got us sorted. The past is what you have yet, yet, yet, it'll come. You'll hit the source soon enough, my friends.

Although looking at the age of the human slurry who hugh all over our beloved high streets every weekend, it doesn't mean they're actually drinking to forget things that haven't happened, drinking to obliterate their completely hopeless future. People America did act extremely surprised, Andy, but you know, for such a repressed people as the Brits, we do react, we like it to be spectacular, With the death of Princess Diana. Now a hugely overblown reaction, an orgy of grief, which led to people waking up, blirri-eyed a few weeks later, assuming that they dreamt that they gathered together in a park to weep uncontrollably with their fellow Brits over someone they did not know. Only to then realise that Elton John was still number

one. And yet, have the government learnt nothing from this? Because reports are coming out of the British government's plans to ban parents from giving their children a taste of wine or beer at home. You have just seen what happened. You don't need to be nostradamus to know that people will protest this by getting their children absolutely trollied to spike the government. Kids across the country will be hammered like a wonky nail. If they're not pushing it on them, they'll be spiking their milk. No one tells us how not to raise our children. Not when it comes to alcohol.

Also in Boos News, a watchman on board a nuclear submarine, let's not forget the first word of those two words, the word nuclear. Was caught at work having drunk beer and fallen asleep and the submarine crashed in the Red Sea last week. Now John, I'm not an expert on nuclear submarines, but I do know that drinking and driving is wrong at the best of times and it's especially wrong when you're driving a f***ing nuclear submarine. Well it's interesting the work you were choosing to use, that would seem to get you place in the military because executive officer Lieutenant Commander John Aiken said to his kids he was caught on a camera phone saying to his crew after the incident and I quote fucking apadown whilst watching a fucking DVD and swigging lager isn't accepting

responsibility for your shit. It's not a fucking laugh, there could have been a fire, there could have been a fucking flood, there could have been a fucking collision. Or because a guy was supposed to do his fucking job, couldn't fucking do it. Who said, oratory was dead Andy? He sounds like an even more drunk Churchill. That's a superb concentration of swearing and that's that's the kind of swearing that really built the British Empire. Yeah we basically just cursed our way across the world and intimidated the locals. The crewman has been placed on leave from the HMS superb or as he called it the HMS F*** superb mate

honestly it's bloody great submarine no kidding best f***ing submarine I've ever seen do you want to go on it go on let's take the little lady for a spin I've only had a couple let's let's make it do a wheelie I can do a wheelie in the submarine also in booze news the drinks manufacturer a Nileax have announced the development of an alcohol-free whiskey which gives you all the aggression of conventional whiskey without the hangover. We'll be available in all schools from next week. World Food Summit News Now and the UN's World Food Summit has been taking place in of all

cities Rome. Of all cities in the world you can have a food summit in to address the problems of the world. Starving to death, Rome is possibly the rudest. I mean I've been to Rome quite a few times John and it is impossible not to stuff your face with high quality food in Rome. I want sat on a bench in Rome for half an hour. Without even noticing it, I'd had a four-course meal. Top quality. That's right. This summit was held last week to discuss the global crisis caused by the dramatic increases in the price of staple foods. One of the more peculiar attendees was cheeky Bobby McGarby, who took time off from imprisoning and murdering his political opposition at home to attend the world food summit in an active, almost performance art level irony.

This is the man who has single handedly starved his nation, almost half of the population, suffer from malnutrition, about 80% of the country's 12.3 million people are unemployed and many depend on food aid. Foreign office minister Mark Malak Brown said, this is like Pol Pot going to a human rights conference. But here's a thing, Andy. Let's give him the benefits of some mountainous doubt. Perhaps he learned something from this conference. After all, he did take time out of his schedule to turn up and we know he's very busy at the moment with all that election rigging and murdering, very busy, credit where it's due. Well, maybe he's trying to learn from his mistakes, John, because clearly he's clearly got many virtues as a leader as we've discussed on the bugle before, people are still voting for him despite everything. But clearly food is one thing

that he has got wrong as demonstrated by the fact that his nation has eaten anything for about 10 years. So it's just learning from his mistakes, that's all. Or perhaps not, because almost upon landing back home he threw out all NGOA groups from Zimbabwe and banned them from returning, merely for looking at him a bit funny. He's banned aid agency fieldwork and Zimbabwe is poor in starving and age-ridden millions, presumably responded. Alright Mr M, you've made your point now is there any chance that we can die with at least a shred of dignity? Because McGarby John is a man who very much wears his leadership style under his nose. That kind of a moustache simply cannot be a mistake, even at his age.

simply cannot be a mistake, even at his age. If you ever have a child or a meet someone or a friend or a lover who chooses to wear a moustache like that, that's an early warning signal. They are about to try and take over something and not in a normal way. Like you say, that must wash is the tip of a very aggressive iceberg. The West does blame Magarby for starving his nation to death and Magarby has blamed the West. So I can't really see a resolution to this particular argument. Seems like neither side is willing to back down and blame themselves. This is really becoming the political equivalent of a grinding baseline clay-caught tennis rally between Volanda and Lendland in the early 80s. Joe, they once had a rally, John, on the French open

that went on overnight and only finished when Lendle shanked a backhand whilst trying to stir sugar into his coffee at breakfast. McGarby's presence was described by Mark Malach Brown, the British Foreign Office Minister, as like Pol Pot going to human rights conference, or as it turned out, it was rather like Pol Pot going to human rights conference opening the door to that conference, but they're not looking around and saying, oh I'm terribly sorry, I thought this was the genocide conference, my mistake, do carry on, I think my ones across the road in the sports centre.

And McGarby blamed Britain's imperial past, falls in barwaste problem, but we in Britain had the decency as soon as we realised that imperialism wasn't working, to do the decency, as soon as we realised that imperialism wasn't working, to do the decency and pull out. The conference also discussed the impending problem of biofuels, as discussed on the bugle some time ago. The clever plan by the west, to simultaneously ease their own carbon consciences and starve more people to death,

thereby reducing the number of carbon footprints on the planet. Now, I personally, John, I'm actually very environmentally friendly. I am fueled by biofuel. Yeah, I did once try eating nothing but petrol cakes, but I felt sick. Your emails now and this one comes from Nicholas Deets in New York. Who writes? Dear Bugle, in episode 31 Andy mentioned Sharon Stone's Pontulius. As I had never heard that's true, I'm not denying it, I'm not ashamed of it. As I never heard this particular term to refer to the female genitalia, I proceeded to spend and in order to have a lot of time in a valiant but ultimately successful effort

to learn the definition, derivation and or etymology of this mysterious word. Well, I'm well spent. So I'm very well spent, Nicholas. Congratulations. I was quite surprised, he writes, to discover that the word originates. In a rather obscure Creole language derived from Portuguese, known as Papiamento, spoken by the inhabitants of Aruba and Curacao. As it turns out, Pontulius has nothing to do with the female anatomy at all. In fact, it is the surname of Aruba Union leader and adjunct general secretary of the Confederation

of Latin American workers, and Selmo Pontulius. You have a lot of nerve, Andy, he writes, trying to solid the reputation of this Caribbean Labour leader by claiming that he is nothing more than Sharon Stone's vagina. For shame. Do you have any idea of the working conditions of the average Aruban Labourer? Well neither do I, but I imagine that carrying tray after tray of fruity drinks with little umbrellas is an as taxis working in a coal mine. After your vicious attack, how many Arubans will shop at the next Aruban Labour rally to hear

the chance of workers of the world unite emanating from Miss Stone's vagina? Perhaps a few, but not many, that's for sure. With all due respect, I know Anselmo Pontulius, and Selmo Pontulius is a friend of mine, and you Sharon Stone's vagina, and no Anselmo Pontulius. And by the way Andy, he continues, how would you like it if people started saying things like, hey check out the girl over there You couldn't totally see her Zoltzman. I wouldn't like it. I have to agree. I wouldn't like it But if that's what it looked like then I'm not going to argue with it He concludes, I believe your own apology to Mr. Pontulius to the confederation of Latin American workers, to the people of Aruba,

and to all Papi-Amento speakers, the world over. Well, I do heartily apologize. Apologize, Andy. Well, I would apologize, though, except I spent, spelled Pontulius differently. And it's a different word entirely. It's pure coincidence. Mine's got a silent genie. Oh, Andy, this is a terrible genie. It's got a silent genie. It's a politician's answer. It's a politician's apology. It's a politician's apology.

Just front up and apologize to the union of Latin American workers. Ah! Just time for a quick hotty from history nomination from Krishna Santos, who says, dear Andy and John, after the fairly weak nomination of Lord Byron, we all know Keith was the real hot program among English romantic poets. I knew it was necessary for me to put forward a real

hotty. It will be nearly impossible to find a hotty with better credentials than Grease's blind profit Tireease. Since giving an in-depth description of all Tireease's sexy escapades would probably make any but the freakiest of folks spontaneously combust, I will simply list them. 1. Blinded by Athena, after catching her bathing naked. HOT. 2. Turned into a woman by Hera, after killing a pair of snakes, sexing each other.

HOT. 3. Took full advantage of womanhood and got married and had children. HOT! 4. I can't wait to hear your reaction to this. 4. Turned back into a man after trampling another pair of copulites. HOT! FOR! I can't wait to hear your reaction to this. FOR! Turned back into a man after trampling another pair of copulating snakes. VOL! CANIC!

FIVE! GALTA JUNGE, which gender had more places during sex by Zeus and Hira, being the only person to REALLY know. AT ALL IN THE SOUTH PASSIFIC! And finally, number 6, the one who told Eda Puss about that whole sex with his mother episode. Well that's just disgusting. He might have been blind without probably made his multi-gender adventures that much hotter. Let's not be blind to deny this hotty for the ages, a spot on June's hotty list. Torizious for Mr and Mrs. June.

Oh, very good. That is our first double nomination. Does Torizious take the whole of June? It's hard to deny that. It's hard to deny Torizious taking the whole of June. Thank you for your emails. Do keep them flooding into the google at timesonline.co.uk. to keep them flooding into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk

Sport now and man can now run faster than he could a couple of weeks ago Jamaican Usain Bolt ran 100 meters in a world record 9.72 seconds Which means that if he could run from New York to London at the same speed He could do it in six days six, 18 minutes and 43.08 seconds, provided that he didn't sink, get tired, pull a hamstring or get eaten by an albatross. Good luck with that, O'Saine. Here's the thing, and I'm not denying that that is fast, because it is fast, that is a quick way to cover 100 meters worth of ground. What I'm saying is he's never beaten me in a race and surely that is hanging over him. The fastest I've ever seen you move is when you've got a football and someone is running at you looking like they might try and tackle you and you will just go in the opposite direction.

That's considerable speed. No, they're not changed directions again quickly, ghost around them and smack it like a conqueror into the top corner. John, they're not changed or actually again quickly, ghost around them and smack it, like a conqueror into the top corner. John, I know it's been a while since you've been in Britain, but that is not how this nation remembers your football. But sadly for Usain Boltz, any athletic record is now under the shadow of drugs, which has shadowed its shadow all over athletics for so long now. And there are a number of world records dating back to the 1980s, particularly in women's athletics, that looked like they will never be beaten. It was systematic cheating, of

course, by the Eastern block, baddies in those days. Your Miller Kratocchville over, the Barry Bonds of women's 800 meter running. It actually turns out that not only was she on drugs probably but she was in fact a greyhound dressed up to look like a woman who might actually be a man and that is how she ran 800 meters in one minute 53. She was a greyhound. She was a greyhound. Yeah. Dressed up like a masculine woman. Yeah. I mean that seems to be what you're saying Andy. If it's not true, Yarmila. Yeah, is that what I mean that seems to be what you're saying Andy if it's not if it's not true your Miller So me My mother's taking over that very kind of around. I know most of the leading

Eastern block run of the 80s are very keen bugle listeners. Oh, we've got a got an email from marita cock the other day Just just fairly dull reminiscences about 200 meter ratio.'d been in. Really, if you're going to re-mall in, it really has to be... Don't make it about yourself all the time. And Marley should go and nominate herself as a hot-eaten history. I'll explain to her. No, you've got to have been dead for a long time. And did you say, well, I'm dead inside? Is that count?

And you had to say, I'm afraid not. And the best sport story of the week, unquestionably, the fight between the Boston Red Sox and the Tampa Bay Rays kicked off when pitcher Scott Shields hit Cocoa Crisp with a pitch. It didn't look that bad to me John, I'm not sure what kicked it off apparently though, there had been a long run in the argument between Crisp and Shields about over whether White Snake a better than Beethoven. And well, Chris lost it completely when she was kept going on about, here I go again on my own. Just saying, you know, that's just not as good as the ninth symphony.

They really needed the un-piter step in and say, you're not comparing light with light there. It was a great sight though, genuine Ben Gemptier. The bullpen's sprinting, fatly across the field. There There were some relief pictures. I think I'd never run quite as far Well, that time they reached that reached the fight it had finished and they needed oxygen But Chris and shields are now both going to the top of voting for the starting spots in the all-star game fight Which promises to be a classic? One of the commentators I believe said that well it was a good game until this and this illustrated the hypocrisy associated with violence and sport, John

I mean, let's think back to World War One, a football game breaks out in the middle of a war, everyone's a hero Nowadays you get a little bit of fighting in the middle of a football tournament and all of a sudden It's not on, that is hypocrisy And also I tell you who would disagree with his statement over the Boston race fight. And that is the entire crowd who made their feelings known about the situation with huge cheers, excitable screams and constant applause. There's absolutely no way they were doing anything other than loving that mayhem that was being visited for their viewing pleasure.

Thankfully, MLB demanded that both Chris and Shields held a press conference at the end to say that Beethoven and White Snake were both good. The argument was never over which was bad, it was which was better. They're both good and MLB wanted to make that clear. And finally, the audio-critic crossover replacement and the forecast have been cancelled because due to persistent juvenility we have overrun on this recording spectacularly. And I'm getting dirty looks from Haley, our producer, who I think wants to have at least some of her weekend free from the editing desk. So it's been a pleasure talking to you. Keep your emails coming in to thebugelatimesonline.co.uk.

Bye bye from me. Bye!