The Bugle - Octopuses on drugs: Bugle 4081

Episode Date: September 22, 2018

Andy, Nish and Alice learn the latest stupid Brexit news, discuss just how bad the republicans are handling sexual assault claims, discover what happens when scientists are given ecstasy, and bring the latest penis news.With@HelloBuglers@MrNishKumar@aliterative@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, viewers! Alright, be that way then. And welcome to this,

to see in the 4,081 Honk Tribunal for the week beginning Monday the 24th of September, 2018, I am Andy Zoltzman, and without wishing to blow my own trumpets, I no longer under-Trumpets, and have no wish to own or use one. Joining me here in London are the mixed doubles partnership. But how do you best? I've struggled to make the latter stages of Grand Slam tennis tournament.

But never say never, from the female and southern hemispheres of this world, it's Alice Fraser. Hello, Bueglis, hello Andy. And on behalf of the North and men, it's Nishkoobar. Hello Alice, hello Bueglis, hello Drew. Drew. Hello Andy and on behalf of the North and men each niche coobo hello Alice hello Bueglis hello Drew yeah, I've just done something I'm trying right I thought on the train over I was like maybe I type word to try to do it for you. Ha ha ha ha! Oh! It's Pooh!

Oh right. It's absolutely n... It's a big name. I don't say this lightly. I think this is the best idea I've ever had. I mean, you are a drefolder and you was a young typologist the other day. I didn't get an apology from you. Ah, well, I mean, you were a...

...and you were a st... ...and you were a ton of places. You were the you. Ah, well, I mean, you look like you're the best. You're the best time of life. Where's the Atonement? I thought, you wouldn't believe. How much time I was better telling you. If I told you you mean looking up producers, just... I mean, there is no amount of time you could say that I would not believe.

The only way you could say a amount of time I wouldn't believe is if you said an amount of time that's more than a week. I'm still working on that. So this is the Bugle for the 24th of September, which means we are recording today. I don't mean I'll tell you anything more than that. On this day, in the year 1170, the Kingdom of Dublin fell to Norman Invaders, which is ironic because very shortly the Bugle, which as we speak is being recorded, in the very city where Norman King William

the Conqueror was coronated in 1666, will also be invading Dublin to do a live Bugle show on the 8th of October at the Sugar Club featuring Alice and David Odochety. And that of course follows our show with me and Alice and the Loury and Sulfur on the 7th of October. On this day in 1780, the notorious turncoat Benedict Arnold handed plans to the West Point military facility to the British, which is also ironic. Because at the time the British already had lots of maps and plans anyway, including maps of India, whereby coincidence I will be doing shows on

the first of October in Bangalore. And the second of October in Mumbai, plus on the 30th September a radio recording in Kolkata at the Calcutta Club with Anuvab. You could have been Bangalore on the first of October. Yeah. I wonder if my parents might be there then. Oh really? Well Andy, I mean, if you need a hand-shifting ticket to give you some context when I did a gig in Bangler in 2014, there were a hundred people in the audience and I was either directly or by marriage related to 30 of them.

I've got some serious pulling power in Bengaluru. So more details as well as Indian shows, the gig in Bangalore struck Bengaluru is with the wonderful Kunal camera at the comedy club on the second October in Mumbai at the Kuku Club with Anu Vav and Anubandas Gupta and more I will tweet details or look them up on the internet. Use your initiative for having sake people. I mean that's very good. I tend to know where I am on any given night performing by somebody tweeting that I'm going to be there. And that's right. And he's going, oh, good, I better get a train ticket. Yes, I had in Mumbai. I had

an incident where I was reminded of something that I had to do. It was the morning of the Cricket World Cup Final in 2011. And some young Indians driving a car through the streets of Mumbai pulled up next to me, wound the window down and said, go home white man. And it reminded me that I actually had a flight book the very next morning. Andy, what's your policy on bringing me back, power bargees from Mumbai? What's your policy? I don't think I'm gonna get out to a dinner until the end of the year.

Right. What's your policy? I'll give it a go. I'll give it a go. I mean, how many do you want? I mean, I want quite a few. And the one that I like is really greasy. Really?

How attached to you to clean clothes? Well, I mean, it's Brexit, isn't it? Yeah. I think I'm not attached to anything anymore. Anything you's open for negotiation? Also, a big week for me. It's, last week I, two weeks ago, I was on the British television panel show, Mark the Week, and I made some jokes that continually and repeatedly use the phrase,

white people. What can I say? Oh, I love it. When you got a catchphrase, you got to use it. Unfortunately, that led to what can I be described as a tsunami of complaints, largely sort of going along the lines of, well, how would it be if this was the other way around to which you sort of patiently have to say to people, like, how it has been the other way around for about 2,000 years, and what they're describing is essentially the development

of Western Civilization. But it got so bad that I was featured on the BBC Complaints program, points of you. I'm an edgy comedian. I'm Croid and Lenny Bruce. That's the kind of stuff I do now. Big ****. Well, look, we can all be on TV except the other people in this room that aren't you. I mean, my protest against this, I will be refusing to appear on mock the worst video. 13 years of its existence so far. Anyway, get a look forward to my edge in your future. On this day in 1645, Louis Jollier, the Canadian explorer, was born, which is also ironic because I will be doing a gig in Toronto in Canada on the 20th of October at the Royal

details also on the internet. On this day 19BC, Virgil, the Roman celebrity, who never went to Newport, Pamsley, became Virgil that dead guy. He popped his Roman clogs on this day, 19BC. Virgil, of course, the author of the e-need, which was the story of a woman called E-need, a cleaning lady from the Trojan War, trying to find a new job after the palace. She used to look after and try to get smash that by a rogue horse or something.

Also, author of the Georgics, an epic poem about farming, try getting that published today, a dead Roman bastard. And also author of the Eklogs, pay attention, I studied Latin at university, a very moving poem about a magic dog who loved eating wooden Dutch shoes, hence the name at clogs. I did drift off towards the end of 1012. On this date, in 1327, King Edward II had his clogs involuntarily popped by reputes by having a red-hot metal poker shoved up the place up which you probably least as a king wanted red-hot metal poker shoved his the place up which you probably least as a king wanted Red Hot Metal poker shoved his last words according to influential medieval chronicler Ian of Nantwich. Mate would it have killed you to put some

fucking Vasily not it out and I mean out. Edward the second renowned as one of Britain's shittiest monarchs described as being lazy and incompetent live all to outburst of temper over unimportant issues, yet indecisive when it came to major issues, oh no, hang on, now that's my online dating profile. That was, it's quite funny. Anyway, at least, a member of the Royal Family, I can actually relate to.

And you've just come up with the latest format for a BBC daytime quiz show, Britain's shittiest monarchs. I thought I maybe this is the new dating show, DATA-DED Monat. Oh, we did both. I think I might have found my perfect match. As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week a food section including how to cook an emoji if cucumbers were sausages, would onions be kosher? And we review the latest ethical cheeseburg graters, and in the latest of our How Would You

Like It series of features, a bereaved turkey makes for a very fractured and very feathery Christmas dinner. Also, in the bin our partner publication Historical Revisionism Monthly, including classic articles this week, including bubonic plague, fact or fiction. New evidence that it was, in fact, a fake disease that people pretended to have in order to get some time off work. Did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did, did There are no sons stole my husband, the untold story of Kathy Da Vinci. This... And as we approach the story, 327th anniversary,

of the beginning of the Salem Witch Trial, we investigate whether with witchcraft now at an all-time low in Massachusetts, most of the defendants were, in fact, probably guilty, and if anything of the authorities did not go far enough. Top story this week, breakfast, breakfast, read all about it. The clock is ticking and as we speak, Theresa May has resigned herself to the fact that I'm no easy answers to the Brexit conundrum, a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside in a nigma in a gimp outfit, lots of coffee in the back of a lorry and it's just going out. I ask it every week. What the f*** is going on?

I mean, I have no idea what's going on, but basically, in summary, the best I can glean out of the whole situation is that Theresa May has had her worst week since last week and all the other weeks. She was at a conference in Salzburg with the other EU leaders and her performance was the most embarrassing thing done by a British person abroad this year. And bear in mind, earlier this year, I shat myself on a mountain in Peru. Donald Tussque, the European Council President and the man whose name most sounds like one from an elephant's fake ID. Rejected the Prime Minister's check. Little Donny.

Good. I had Donald Tassq who despite his name is the head of the European Council rather than an eccentric elephant trainer in an 1890s circus. So great minds think of like. I was going to go with something about how he was named after a great Australian cricketer and a Flick with Mac Alba. So I did not have to go down that path. Well, I like the idea that this week we're going to go full russia on, on every joke. Oh, that is going to be a lot of fun. Anyway, the Taskmaster General has rejected the Prime Minister's checkers plan and suggested that Brexit talks may stall entirely over the British government's failure to resolve the Irish border question.

And the question now being asked is, who could possibly have seen this coming? And the answer is absolutely every f***ing person with anything approaching the nearest flicker of common sense. Sadly, none of those people have any place in our current government stuff as it is with yes men and people who look like they're going to a Halloween party dressed as a Victorian ghost every single day of the year and have gone full method with the costume. Yeah, Nish, the clock is ticking on Brexit and like many clocks it just seems to be going around

and around repeating a lot of the same information on different days. And move on clocks. When are we going to have a new hour that just isn't just a bullshit reboot of yesterday's series of hours? Oh, it's ****ing Brexit is Brexit at a clock. Wait, is it Brexit is Brexit at AM or Brexit is Brexit at PM? Basically, everything is hitched on the fact that no one has ever resolved the Irish problem. The EU is suggested that Northern Ireland remains part of the single market in the customs

union so that there's no need for a hard border. Theresa May has said that this would sort of dislocate the UK. Part of the problem for Theresa May is that her government is being propped up by the gaggle of homophobes and lunatics that constitute the Democratic Unionist party, whose 10 MPs are required by her to keep the government upright. I mean, as I upright, it's standing out best with all the confidence of a shit-faced bananmate. But they obviously don't want a United Ireland and so she's kind of stuck between a rock

and a hard place. But stuck in the same way that someone is stuck if they voluntarily decided to buy a house between the rock and the hard ones. Well, they said it couldn't be done. They said it shouldn't be done. They said it can't be done. But we are plowing it with it anyway. Because we are Britain.

And if we voted to use a slay tamarind to crack ourselves in the nuts there is no one that can stop us six weeks six months to go now and this week marks exactly six months to go until I think the plan is we shut our eyes on the 29th of March 2019 count to a hundred and when we open them again it will be 56 pieces

and we will take back control. Gyu Jui, yes you're tug of wearing twerp, she's had degrees paid for herself. But as the old saying goes Nish, a week is a long time in politics. Sure, but six months is f***ing cool and you've tried to negotiate what I'm most complicated in history. From this meeting in Salt Spurg, it does seem that Theresa May's cunning strategic masterstroke of having no cunning strategic masterstroke is no longer looking like the cunning strategic masterstroke that it first appeared. And your office has been really insensitive to our feelings as a nation, a complaining critic, there have been almost daily punishment bleeding from a range of top European figures.

Tusk said that Theresa May's proposed economic partnership with the, you won't work. Again, no one said anything about things fucking working. No, we voted on it. We did not vote the work. No, no, that's, no one ever said anything about things having, it's like saying this heaven shit sounds a bit implausible. It's about belief. It's not about reality or logistics.

In manual macro on Monsieur Middlground himself accused prexetors of being liars and so this is even more true since they left the day after the vote so I was not to have to deal with it. So I mean, were they liars or were they just abandoning ship after titanicking its sned first into the ice book, oh that sentence hasn't finished yet. Andy, in a weird way, you have really committed to complete satire. I'm going to be a more complete satire of Brexit than embarking on a course of action that you have completely forgotten to finish in any way, which I pop from.

I've got a great plan for a joke. To be absolutely fair to Theresa May, who constantly has the facial expression of someone who's walked through one of my dial farts, she is under pressure from a lot of competing wings of her party. Keir Starmer, the shadow Brexit Secretary from the Labour Party, is accused of being under the influence of the ERG, which is a sort of hard right group within the conservative party led by Victorian ghost Jacob Riesmog. And Kit Kitt's dog was said, it's the ERG tail wagging the dog. And it's actually a lot worse than that because it turns out that the tail is alarmingly racist and the dog is essentially a canine

doctor strange love. And also we should just point out that just before we started recording at two o'clock on Friday, Theresa May was due to give a speech about a kind of response to the Salzburg conference. That speech was then delayed by 15 minutes. It was meant to start at one forty five. It started at two o'clock as we started recording because there was a power failure in number 10 and at this point You've got to think if you're Theresa May Everything's against it like everything is against you if you're being trapped by metaphors You might just think you know what?

I'm out of here Well there. I mean there have been some talk about Plots to unseater. There was a leaked Tory dossier apparently running the rule of potential replacement prime ministers to replace three's, may either this afternoon or at some point in the future most likely when she has taken to the vet to be humanely destroyed on the 30th of March next year. And this dossier looked at the pros and cons of the candidates, I've got a leaked version of the leaked here. Boris Johnson pros, not as bad as Bashar al-Assad. Now that is for his tender profile. Cons, I cannot read that on the family show. Jacob

Reese Mock pros has never slayed a basket full of puppies live on national television. I mean the privacy of his own home. Another pro completely unqualified to be Prime Minister. That's what the Tories are looking for. And also a pro for the Tories he will show up the electorally crucial dead vote. Also in the rung and running, a molding loaf of bread. The pros being its less divisive than the human candidates have been tipped.

Cons may become, you get another Tory leader to the crumblet and the election. Benjamin Disraily, via Egypt, pros, he's been dead for 137 years. That's got to play well with the electorate. He's experienced a proven winner off the romping home in the 1874 General. He has no baggage with the EU and he's more in touch with today's young people than Jacob Rees Morgue. Also, a keen fan of the British Empire. So the perfect man to lead the forthcoming resumption. Yeah, absolutely. Unlikely to be accused of anti-Semitism.

Well, I mean, that is one of the countries a little bit too Jewish. It may, although very, very laps, but it may struggle to challenge the labour stronghold on that key anti-Semitic part. There's also been quite a lot of talk about the backstop plan. Sure. We try to find, as a cricket fan, that creates on me. What creates on me when I hear backstop? Well, because backstop, for nonstop for long career fans backstop was a fielder that was stood behind the wicket keeper to stop balls that went past the wicket keeper.

And this is a position that was essentially rendered obsolete by progress almost 150 years ago. And we are now relying on this through our future. That would be on Theresa May's Tinder profile. To Theresa May. To be fair, rendered obsolete by progress. Just the idea of Theresa May having a Tinder profile is I think the most alarming thing anyone has ever said on it. No, I'll go one further. Imagine Boris Johnson having a Tinder profile. That's, I mean, I don't think I'll ever be able to

summon an erection again. I like the idea that you summon them because they would wish Krautia love it. Taken and think of the appropriate for conjure release. Deploy. At all times, it's just gaffed here in the fire and you just rip it off. It's a Henry VIII, usually, it was meant to be another people.

What, deployed here at Summon Myorage? Do I have the whole purpose of the print? Oh, dear. And the hard border as well for those who don't know the jargon was influential 1980s and 90s Australian cricket captain. I should have a new age of uncompromising when it all costs cricket. I would like to note that we are 41 minutes in and still not through the first two. The former head of the European Central Banker says Brexit will have a bigger economic impact on the UK than it will on the European Union, which is just makes it seem like that classic thing in a breakup where you trash your ex-boyfriends car and then realise the insurance contract

is in your name. But I don't think people mind that particularly because as long as it is also damaging Europe, then that will go down very well with the British voters. This is, yeah, but it's, I mean, in the same way that a cabocazie pilot damages the ship. You're like, ultimately you've still come off worse. Yeah, but the last thought that goes through your mind is the ship's absolutely getting it. LAUGHTER

Speaking of getting it. LAUGHTER Sexual assault news now. LAUGHTER The nomination process of Trump's candidate to the Supreme Court Sexual assault news now. The nomination process of Trump's candidate to the Supreme Court, Judge Brett Kavanaugh, has reached a media frenzy crescendo in the last week with publicity around allegations by Christine Blasey Ford that Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her at a high school party in the 1980s. Kavanaugh denies the charges, but in an exciting twist, instead of agreeing that

he didn't do it, his defenders are saying that even if he did do it, it was ages ago, it's not such a big deal. He's only accused of holding her down and putting his hand over her mouth while he took her clothes off and not anything really bad. Everyone should just calm down, because young men and teenage boys are just kind of rapey anyway. Dill Shine, Deputy White House Chief of Staff for Communications who resigned from Fox News over sexual harassment allegations told CNN, we stand behind Judge Kavanaugh 100%. It is an odd move, they all seem to be relying on the classic criminal defence of we can't start holding people accountable for things they did in the past.

It's not the lack of proof or cause a change in their legislation has occurred, but because if you start holding people to account for terrible things they did in the past, none of us are safe from being held to account for the terrible things we did in the past. The thing to remember about a rape or sexual accusation, sexual harassment accusation, is timing is vital. You have to remember if it happened in the past, it's in the past, and back then rape was actually fine, and it was different because women weren't people yet. And if it happened recently, you don't want to ruin someone's future, so you can only really legitimately accuse someone of raposexual assault while it's actually happening unless they have a career

to think of. Or in the future. Or in the future. I mean, that's in many ways worse. What, are you suggesting some sort of minority report style system? Well, I mean, there has been some extremely strange logic. We call the minority report, but it is 51% of the population. Yeah, also, I don't want to get involved in it. We've given the current climate in American politics. I've got no interest in enforcing anything called a minority report. And I've got terrible news for you, but reality is catching up with your bullshit because a South Carolina Republican Ralph Norman opened an election debate on Thursday by making a joke about the Cavanaugh accusations, which to begin with is a bold gambit.

And also the joke that, I mean, God, this is the joke that he said was he said he was going to be late. He was nearly late because he was going to have to be called back to Washington because Ruth Bates Ginsburg has come out and said that she was grobbed by Abraham Lincoln. So like this is how seriously Republicans are taking rape allegations. They consider them to be as serious as Abraham Lincoln being a time-traveling sex-pressed. I mean, you think again, you think that this is a joke, but Kavanaugh's friend, a top conservative lawyer, he has said that it wasn't Kavanaugh and he knows because there was a guy in the same class who looked a lot like Kavanaugh. Oh my God. And he's guessing that it was more likely to be that guy who's now

a teacher. Oh, genuinely, that is a, that is a thing. I mean, if you've got a situation where they can treat, I mean, an accusation of sexual assault like this. I mean, to be fair, we wear past that Trump's president. I keep forgetting in a way that he's president. Yeah. But I mean, where do they go from, like where can, where can they possibly go from here?

Are they gonna take the bullet side in the JFK or something? Yeah. Handmaid's tell. I'm not sure. Handmaid's tell is a predicted documentary. It's not a drama series. The interesting side politically is that, Kevin as nomination, would enshrine a conservative majority on the Supreme Court for a generation according to experts.

Now, I'm no expert on the American political system, but this seems not the most sensible way to run a powerful judicial institution, as essentially the political plaything for the whims of a president, particularly not when your president is in layman's terms, a certifiable f***ing big. LAUGHTER Trump has sort of come out and said that he can't, he sort of defended Kavanaugh, but

then also said that he wants to hear, in a very Trump-y way, he sort of said, oh, well, we should hear what she has to say, but he also said that he can't imagine it. Now, given some of the things that Donald Trump has managed to imagine, including Barack Obama's fake birth certificate, or the fact that he won the popular vote, it is quite impressive that he suddenly managed to shut down his imagination at this point. Well, I mean, it's one of those things where they kind of need to do a case. It's a very serious accusation, but everyone seems to have picked aside already before anything has come out.

There's so much news nowadays, which is pre-news. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. It is pretty weird that in a conversation about the Supreme Court, the only thing being ignored is due process. Ha ha ha ha. Like, I mean, I'm no lawyer. You are, actually. Are you honest?

Yeah. I mean, as the bugle's legal expert, where do you stand on the whole trial thing? Ha ha ha ha. Surprisingly, I'm pro-it. the Bugle's legal expert. Where do you stand on the whole trial thing? Surprisingly, I'm pro-it. Bugle feature section now, the benefits of brevity. It can help. Let's move on to France news. Alice, you are a resident correspondent on the lunatic right wing in France. Yes, French far-right politician Marine Le Pen has been ordered to take psychiatric tests as part of an inquiry into her sharing images of Islamic State group atrocities

on Twitter. Le Pen is under investigation for distributing violent images, including pictures of the killing of the American reporter James Foley in December 2015, and was stripped of her parliamentary immunity in order to be charged with circulating violent messages considered to incite terrorism or seriously harm human dignity. Le Pen has refused to undergo the psychiatric tests,

tweeting pictures of the court order and saying, it was quote, crazy. It's just what they just call you, Marine. You can't just, I know you are, but what am I to a court order? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha say that, you just absolutely as. It's a, this is a really odd story. I mean, for a star, I mean, without wishing to judge the context, if you are a political leader and you find yourself being tempted for whatever reason to post images of Islamic state atrocities, then either you need to count to 10, calm down and think, is this helping?

Or you need preferably to count to zero because you obviously shouldn't fucking do that. Well, you know, Marine Le Pen translates in English as underwater quill. Did it really? No. Ah! Jesus. What do you think? Fucking hell. I have an A level of friendship. Fucking hell. King hell. I've got, I've overcompensated on both of you.

Now I literally believe nothing that comes out of Zoltzman's mouth. And for some reason it orders to correct that. I now believe literally everything you say has. She has, they've rebranded the party from the Front National Front. Does that mean that it's supposedly a little bit less hitlery? And they've called it the Rassomblor National or National Rally. I don't think this is solving a problem. She's both not have called it Hitler Hitler, Hitler's lies.

So can they force her to take a psychiatric test? They can't force us to do that, surely. Well, that's what she said. She said, and I'd like to see you force me to do it. But she's legally obliged to so the court can... Really? Yeah, I mean, it's a court order. If she doesn't obey, she's in contempt of court

or she's a court recruit. Like, they can do shit to punish her for not doing it That's how law works. It's also like a really terrible sign if someone's like you need to take a psyche out of trick test and you're like absolutely not that's It's not a great sign. You can't make me unless you have mind powers. Do you have mind powers? Neither you nor the voices in my head can make me take this psychiatric test. I think more world leaders should be forced to take some sort of psychiatric evaluation. And what level are you setting the required postmark?

I think to be honest. I mean, is it just looking at a Rorschach test. Yeah. Seeing if the now. I love this story so much. So scientists, and now we've had numerous goals at scientists over the years of the bugle for not prioritising their scientific research, quite as well as they might for the benefit of humanity. And we would like to formally apologize after this story. So scientists have been feeding drugs to octopuses. Yes, scientists have been giving ecstasy to octopuses as part of a study on what happens

if you give a group of scientists ecstasy and octopuses. No, apparently among other findings, octopuses get really huggy and more willing to spend time with male octopuses, who octopuses of both genders generally avoid. To be fair to that social norm, if my sex pests had eight suction cup lined, prehensile, boneless arms, and pooped out their own faces, I'd avoid them too. Not that all octopuses sex pests are male octop male Octopus is just that the standard mating behavior of the male, greater blue-ringed Octopus, for example, is to fondle potential mates with a specially adapted sex arm called a hector-silus, which had then thrusts under their mantle

to release its sperm. Oh, God, that is one hell of a delet, it's seen from Finding Neymar. A study out of the University of California in 2003 decided that that behavior, that That is one hell of a delet it's seen from Finding Nemo. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha supreme... Ha ha ha ha! Oh come on, you're not even allowed to flirt anymore. Do you know if I get bored, I'll eat my own arms. Do you want to be responsible for that? But I think you shit out the side of my head, Karen. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I cannot wait for a Republican senator to bring up Octopus's in the course of the next week

as I try to rush Gavin or through. Well, I mean, it's a fantastic thing to know that in a time when, you know, sciences in crisis, 60% of peer-reviewed studies can't be replicated in the existence-slash-desirability of factors in question among the highest echelons of society, it's really good to know that we have our priorities straight. The goal of the particular study wasn't just to see if octopuses could get high, spoiler, they can, but it was also to probe whether octopuses are kind of friendly able, where they have the capacity for friendship.

And apparently that's true. They have the capacity to get, they like feel up the sides of the thing and they touch each other up and it's all a real big party. So they only have, but do they have the capacity to for friendship when they are not mongolthian arts? Oh, I'm just kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm going to change my text alert and say mongolthian art. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Other sign of English that...

Did you learn any of those words? Out of book snitch on this. Out of book snitch on beautiful. The old testament. This isn't a loviticus, honey. Science has been doing other research on the effect of drugs on sea creatures. They've claimed that barracuders on heroin often end up homeless and with no money. Tunefish on marijuana become paranoid about tins. And if you give psychedelic drugs to a walrus, it hallucinates that it's a member of the Beatles. And ironically, if you

feed plankton to a human drug addict, they start communicating and haunting echoey noises. That's beautiful. I mean, the next phase of the study is to give the octopus's glow sticks until the lights off. Yeah, I was going to say, if they give you the ecstasy, have they experimented on what happens when you start playing loud rave music? I think we are going to apply for a grant in the next six weeks' wish, you and I. I mean, we already know octopus is like this on born slipping Painless news now I've got two pieces of important penis news the first piece of penis news. Everyone thinks their penis news is bigger and bigger. Those are words I first heard when I was nine days old. Working up in a strange

burning sensation. Listen, I know that this penis news section might seem a little bit small but it is colder than I would. The first piece of Peter's news, DC Comics have printed a picture of Batman's dick. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He gets back to the back cave, removes his bat suit, under which it turns out the whole time. Batman has been going full commando, and you see clearly the outline of Batman's penis, two quick things here. Firstly, Batman is packing heat. And secondly, for people who have been following, writing about how Batman is an inherently conservative superhero,

especially in the iteration found in the Christopher Nolan trilogy of films. Batman's penis leans alarmingly to the right. I mean, that puts a new meaning on the phrase fighting fear with fear. DC Covish has actually said that in the subsequent editions, they're going to be raising the penis, which is a tremendous shame. We saw Batman's dick. You know, I think it really humanizes him. It does.

And I mean, what about his balls? Oh, they're that. Are they visible anytime soon or not? I mean, I'll show you. I've actually got it right here. You could just see the outline of the dick. Right. But no balls.

Okay. I mean, that is. Is he circumcised? Aggressively tapered. And I think it is possible that Batman may be circumcised. Right. Well, that would explain an awful lot. That to change their family to family name to wine after they move from hungry. They had to change their family name to wine after they moved from Hungary. The other piece of penis news is, I mean, there's not much to add to this story. It's literally just chips who is the University of Colorado Buffalo's mascot who is a Buffalo

shot himself in his penis and testicles with a T-shirt cannon. Nothing more to add. Google it. It's absolutely one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life. He was investigating why the t-shirt cannon wasn't firing. It turns out he had it the wrong way around. He shot himself in the groin and had to be stretched off.

Well, I think it was quite interesting watching this, because that was a, that was to me, it was a very important piece of science, which, which is an investigation into the correlation between a human sympathy for someone else's injury, and whether or not that person is dressed in a mask. Because it didn't seem to be getting a huge amount, obviously from the assembled masses for firing a t-shirt at high speed and power into his buffalo junk.

No, and I mean judging by the sheer amount of video evidence available, what seemed to happen was it happened and then people immediately got their cameras out and started filming and being let away. I mean, there are more angles on this than the Kennedy assassination. It's absolutely unbelievable. Well, I mean, I think it's a terrible thing. We've got anti-maskot discrimination. Am I not a buffalo?

Do my balls not hurt if you shoot them with a t-shirt, can it? Is the shy look of our age? First, they came for the mascot dicks. Then they came for the mascot Dix. Then they came for the Batman Dix. On the subject of mascots last weekend I was doing BBC Radio coverage of the 2020 County Cricket finals day and I had to commentate on the mascot race as 18 mascots representing each of the county crickets. It's run around an obstacle course at edgebest and cricket cricket group. Bay Don by 23,000 drunk people. And I was won by the Fox, the Leicestershire Fox.

I forget his full name. Fullsy, possible. But there was, I mean, a huge amount of injustice. And just in terms of the facility of running in different mascot outfits, you know, there's some could barely see. And yeah, here's the Leicester Fox wearing trainers, sprinting, sprinting around. Look, Andy, the lest of thoughts. We're in trainers, sprinting around.

Look, Andy, I've got no interest unless one of them copped a T-shirt cannon to the onion barge, it's absolutely no interest. Well, I think this, I mean, this, the chip the buffalo has become one of the great meta, there's been a lot of meta four talk this week, but there's a meta four for our failing Western world, the person pretending to be something they're not,

inflicting unnecessary injury on themselves due to ranking competence. I mean, for us in Britain right now, there's a little too close to the boner. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, Drew. Oh, yeah! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Your emails now, James from Edinburgh, writes, Dear Andy Cristen, whoever is John standing this week.

LAUGHTER Wow, I mean, no, just respect to me, or Alice, for this podcast has seriously gone down the drain. LAUGHTER My wife just bought a cape as a pregnancy jacket. But you're Alice, but this podcast has seriously gone down the drain. My wife just bought a cape as a pregnancy jacket. I, as any true loyal bugle-award, went on a spontaneous pun run, including references to Cape Canaveral, the Cape of Good Hope, and the no capes phrase from the Incredibles. She then burst into tears.

And the treats of the living room claiming that in her emotionally fragile state, puns were too much for her. That's the automatic... And you need to get pregnant. That's the title of my forthcoming film. Does this automatically give me golden bugle estate? Making a pregnant woman cry through puns. I mean...

You have no escape. Oh, I'm not you have no escape. Oh, you have to go on. Yes. I'm not going to do it. Nish, if you and I together make one John Oliver, begs being the top half. John Oliver. Well, there are people on the internet that describe me as

John Oliver's butt, so you know, I might as well lean into it. Um. I mean, when my wife was pregnant, we were given an NHS, puns during pregnancy advice. I'm sorry. It didn't want to be very, very careful in no uncertain terms. From Debra, I'm an American living in Shenzhen, China. I'm getting used to people staring at me

as I'm a white lady who smiles as strangers, a total widow in other words. But I don't think I can go back to my local Starbucks, and it's your fault. I was listening to the Play Away bonus episode in a just-sipped amount full of coffee when I got to the joke about Nish's erection and he's quip about the Kenny Rogers song.

Which one of either of those two? Should you ever imagine an entire episode without referring to a rocker? LAUGHTER I spent coffee all down my dress, much more of a line of lovely Chinese people in front of me. LAUGHTER Well, I mean, this is one of the risks that you've...

But do you know, do spread the view in China? We need more people in China, I it's betting coffee down down here. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Dway Bo Chi. I think that's sorry in Mandarin. I'm in a hope cycle. I really hope so. I think that is sorry in Mandarin.

You need to learn sorry in many more languages, no? Dookie remails coming in to HelloBuglers at theirBugalPodcast.com. Well, we've overrun again. So that concludes this week's, this week's, we don't forget to come to the shows in India, Kolkata on the 30th of September, Bangalore, the first of October, Mumbai, the second of October. I'm in Toronto on the the first of October, Mumbai, the second of October. I mean, Toronto, on the 20th of October, we're doing bugle live shows in Sulphan on the 7th of October, Dublin on the 8th of October, and London on the 14th of November. Any further questions or plugs?

I've got a tour, I'm touring. I mean, I don't think this is going to go out before then, but there are, I mean, if you're looking to maybe sort of set up camp, there's going to be plenty of space in the back of my Newport gig. Did I'm darling to Newport have resolutely refused to buy into my vibe? So if you do know about sort of 150 people who want to see a show in Darlington next Saturday, send them along. And otherwise there are, I've just announced a load of Darlington next Saturday, send them along and otherwise there are, I've just announced a load of tour dates for January, February and March. They're all on my website, Nishikamada.co.uk. And my trilogy is available online, three one hour shows recorded as one,

three hour show. If you listen to it on cans, it's like this cool surround sound thing that hasn't been done for comedy before and that doesn't make me any money, but it's nice. LAUGHTER And you'll be able to see Alex featuring in this year's The Certifiable History Show that I'll be doing at Soho Theatre from the 18th of December until the 6th of January. Here, and at the plugs. That's it! We are done. We have to go away and think about what is happening to the planet

and what seafood next needs to be. Given psychotropic substances. Until next time, bugleers, goodbye. Bye everyone, bye Alice. Bye, bye Nish, bye Andy. See you, Drew. you