The Bugle - OPEC: Let's talk oil and fiery rhetoric

Episode Date: November 20, 2007

The sixth ever episode of The Bugle! Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver.This is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ and listen to Top Stories Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world! Welcome to edition number 6 of The Bugle! We apologize once again for the bugle going up slightly late this week. This is used with combination of factors including the writer strike in America, the postal strike in Britain, and general strikes in France, and any other industrial action around the world that has slightly delayed the posting of this podcast, also due to the unstoppable march of time. But welcome to the Bugle with me and his ultimate here in London and in New York City, Mr. John Oliver. Howdy! Yihah!

You're blending in beautifully, John. Thank you, I do try. As with any newspaper, some sections go straight in the bin. This week, the DIY section, including articles on how swearing it shelves, can help your books stay upright, and how to electrocute yourself and live to tell the tale. Also in the bin is this week's free, bugle tree. Today we're going to make your own newspaper in future also comes with a complimentary pen knife. Today's headlines, Joe Forkim.

Top story and there's only been one story on everyone's lips this week and that story has been the OPEC Summit. OPEC had a major summit, in fact it was only its third in 47 years, so for all you summit fans out there, this is a very rare one. It's akin to seeing a comet or perhaps a glossy mantlet manacode. In fact, you could barely move for hundreds of socially awkward summit spotters in Cagoules, excitedly scribbling into their notebooks before being dragged away by Saudi police. If they're like buses, aren't they, OPEC summits? That's right, you were ages for one and then it's completely pointless without fuel. But what a summit it was Andy, if you like oil and the people who produce it, this is

your super bowl. But, of course, OPEC isn't just about the oil anymore. It's like they say in their brochure, come for the oil, stay for the inflammatory political rhetoric. When you think that OPEC members include the likes of Iran, Iraq, Libya and Venezuela, they traditionally have some of the world's jauntyest leaders. Dream team of lunacy. I would like to say that OPEC summit every six months, just for the entertainment those leaders can provide.

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, he started off with the, quote, oil shouldn't be a tool for conflict. It should be a tool for development, which doesn't sound inflammatory until you find out that he then winked and said only joking before high-fiving the rest of the members and moon walking out of the chamber shouting, I told you I'd say you owe me a tuna wrap, Shavvets. They have reached a compromise now whereby oil is a tool for the development of conflict. So we as consumers do get

the best of both worlds. Does that mean that conflict is no longer a sustainable resource? Yes, but for every conflict completed, they are starting a new conflict in another oil-producing region. So it's sustainable. Once again, the headlines were stolen by Armadino Chad, who is fast becoming the Roger Federer of international lunacy. He just looked unbeatable.

When you think there's nothing for him to have a go at America over, he's somehow from somewhere, pulls out something at an incredible angle. And it's great to watch if you're a fan of that kind of thing. You know, you just got rid of my class. He referred to the American dollar as a worthless piece of paper. Now listen, Mahmoud, when you deny the Holocaust,

that's one thing. When you talk of America as the great Satan, that's another thing. But you insult a country's currency. Oh, you just crossed the line, Mr. you don't hear Americans criticize America as the great Satan, that's another thing, but you insult a country's currency, oh, you just crossed the line, mister, you don't hear Americans criticising the Iranian real, do you? No, because they know where the line is, leave it out! And it was only going to get worse, Andy, there has been a high-profile currency defector,

I hope you're sitting down to hear this America, although if you're a beastie statistics as to be believed, you probably are. Because in Jay-Z's new video, Blue Magic, Mr. Z is seen swung around New York with wards of euros in his hand. Et 2 Jay, Et 2. Don't worry, because it's not actually as bad as it sounds, and the Jay-Z has always been openly supportive of a single European currency, believing strongly in its ability to improve trade across the EU. His song for instance, 99 Problems, clearly outlines the 99 ways in which Britain keeping the pound would be a mistake, both economically and in terms of Britain standing with its European neighbours. It also has a ferocious beat.

Rap has a long and proud history of playing the currency markets. Jarl Rull song Daddy's Little Baby is actually a love song to the yen and Snoop Dogg's Snoop's upside-down head is actually about the dangers of hyperinflation. 50 cent is now in fact 50 euro cent which means that he is effectively now 75 cent roughly. So look out for his new album just a quarter short of a dollar. John you as we discovered last week I believe you met Pervez Mousshaar, the Pakistani leader, I've never actually met a world leader, although I did almost get drawn against Colonel Godafion, a table tennis round robin a couple of years ago.

But is there any chance that you might meet Armadinajad? Let's hope little chance, Andy, but he was here about six months ago for the UN summit, so I was in the same city as him then. So I think maybe we should ask bugle listeners. If John gets to meet Mahmoud Ahmed Injad, what should he ask him? Do email us at the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. If I ever do get the chance to meet Mahmoud Ahmed Injad, the first question I'm going to be asking is please can you release me and I want to speak to the British consulate. Now in a surprise move there was even talk of alternative energies at the summit,

Saudi Arabia donated $300 million to green energy research. But let's put that in context. Most of the Saudi royal family have $200 million down the back of their sofa. And also their annual oil revenue is in excess of $150 billion. So giving $300 million to a green technology fund is somewhat akin to Stalin giving away a 10-rubble book token as a prize in a poetry competition. Two little, two late Joseph. Also, there was the release this week of a huge IPCC report on climate change. What grade

did they give the world? It was a D-minus. Now, Ban Ki-moon, Secretary-General of the UN, said that the melting he saw was as frightening as science fiction movies. But again, let's get this in context. This is from a man who wet himself whenever someone mentions E.T. And he went on to warn that in the future the Earth could be unrecognizable. In fact, it does seem that the only thing you'll recognise in future years is that we'll be still polluting the earth. And people will be driving around in SUVs through scorched wastelands where cities used to be saying this is still not conclusive proof.

It's just a phase the world is going through. It will grow out of it. Berlia Day goes by now without some scientists coming, currearing out of the laboratory, screaming something about the end of the world, being Nye. But as always, when the UN IPCC puts out a report, governments around the world were quick to spring into action and think about holding a summit to talk about doing stuff to moderately reduce the pace of arm again. The problem it does seem is that a lot of leaders in particular, your president in America, John, seem to remain unconvinced about the long-term economic

benefits of saving the world. Still, perhaps waiting till I can find a military solution to the environmental crisis. And I guess we do have to look at the bottom line here and be realistic. I mean, yes, we all like to have a planet to live in, but sometimes you do have to take tough financial decisions that not everyone approves of. If one of those decisions to condemn the world to a far end for the sake of maintaining share prices and opinion poll ratings, well, so be it, John. I'll stand by that and he's more commander in chief too. Banky Moon also said that he looked forward to China and the US taking a more constructive role in environmental issues, presumably in the same way in which a little girl looks forward

to her absent father bringing her a pony on her birthday. Whilst knowing deep down, that father and the pony are never coming. Another report this week revealed that Australia's power stations are the greatest polluters in the world, producing five times more CO2 per capita than China. And this is a huge shock result. You've got to hand it to the Australians. Well, the thing is, they shock result you've got to hand it to the Australians while the thing is they are just so Naturally competitive John that true You know soon as they heard there was a table of the world's top polluters

They just couldn't help but win it really and they actually do quite like the environment Australia Especially as most of them live by the sea on the edge of a massive desert But as soon as it gets competitive I'm afraid that just goes out of the window. They have to win You're right Andy and you could bet that on the day of full Armageddon there will be a single Australian with a gold medal around his neck screaming, Aussie Aussie Aussie, into the air before cocking easier forward for the response. So if you're particularly concerned about the latest environmental report, and in particular about a species that you know that you think might be becoming extinct. Do call the Bugles Special

Phone Line 0800 800 800 800 and we will try and find that species for you. In other news Saudi Arabia, not content with playing it apart in the OPEC festivities, with playing it's part in the OPEC festivities, has sentenced the victim of a gang rape to 200 lashes and six months in jail. Let me be quite clear about the key word in that. That's victim. Now, I would think that sentence is a little harsh, John. What do you think?

You say harsh, I say eye catching. Certainly an eye catching piece of judicial sentencing. It caught my eye. If that was their aim, they succeeded. If their aim was in a balanced judgment, I fear they may have failed on this one. We need to start punishing victims of crime hard. And Sadduro may be taking a lead in this, because if we don't punish the victims, people will continue to be victims of crime hard and Sadduro may be taking a lead in this because if we don't punish the victims people will continue to be victims of crime and we have to break the cycle of crime somehow. Now if we have the foresight in Britain for example to jail people whose houses are broken into we'd all take home security much more seriously it's all about collective responsibility. So maybe Saudi Arabia is just slightly ahead of the game there.

But what she was actually convicted of and he was being in an unrelated man's car and the verdict was said to have shocked even Saudi lawyers and when you're shocking a Saudi lawyer and you're not living in Medieval England you need to take a long hard look at your sentencing instincts. Of course recently the British Foreign Office Minister Kim Houth talked of Britain and Saudi Arabia having shared values. These values, of course, are shared more deeply at a time when petrol is over the £1 litre mug. It's amazing, in fact, how much more shared values can become at a time when oil prices are high. Well, we do have many shared values, and when I heard that Saudi Arabia beheaded 124 people last year and they are think what I've beheaded at least that last year.

But we do have shared values with Saudi Arabia amongst them are a belief in the fundamental human rights of arm-steelers to make a living just like everyone else. Yes. A belief in freedom and if Saudi Arabia chooses to express its own democratic freedom in the form of the brutal repression of women, well who we'd tell it had a living life. Win nobody. And also a belief in democracy, and if these Saudi women don't like the way their government treats them, why don't they just vote them out?

Other than the fact that they of course aren't allowed to vote. But apart from that, why not just vote them out? But I guess maybe in Britain we shouldn't be so judgmental, of course, just recently we put a man on the sex offenders register for attempting to fornicate with his bicycle in the privacy of his own rule. Hold on a second. Is that true? That is true John That is true. There's what crime was he guilty of it? Did he break a law there? He did break a law John. What law was that the law was I, one of the Tenka moments do not attempt to have sex with bicycles. Are you telling me that in Britain,

in the 21st century, you're not allowed to bang your own bicycle? Yeah, you know, yeah, and as Tom I'll produce you just pointed out, not only is it one of the Tenka moments, it's also part of the highway code. That makes sense. I believe the man was misunderstood.

He was merely conducting his own private, genetics experiment to create a child with wheels or at least gears. A Japanese wailing fleet as set sail aiming to harpoon huntback whales for the first time in decades. Commercial wailing was stopped in 1986 but Japan is permitted to whale in the name of scientific research. This fleet has instructions to kill up to a thousand whales, including 50 humpbacks. The captain also stated that he intends to obsessively attempt to capture a large white whale, going on to say, this whale is a metaphor for that which we cannot control, evoking

man's struggle with fate. But mainly, it is a massive white whale. It does seem John is an incredible amount of whale research going on in Japan. If they need a thousand whales I do know that they are in the middle of a very very important research program into whether whale meat tastes nice with teriyaki sauce and that is still proved inconclusive. You know let's not forget whale populations have recovered and they're getting a bit cocky and in many ways these whales need to be taken down A peg or two, otherwise they'll start eating people again like they did in the Bible and none of us wants to live in a world like that Justice for Jonah and the Justice for Jonah

Particularly with a humpback whale who's who are still on the endangered list that um The Japanese Whaling community. They seem to be misunderstanding the point of conservation. Yes, humpback population has increased, but that is not in order to allow them to hunt them again. They didn't restore the cysteine chapel just to make graffiti more satisfying. And now a special bugle appeals section. Last weekend in Britain we had the children and need appeal at raised millions of pounds for children who are in need. But also raise the question, are they not worthy of causes? Then these children who seem to be in need every year, what exactly are they doing with this money? I particularly am concerned for

the supermarkets we heard that Saint Spirits profits were up by only a measly 20% this year. And there are now only a handful of major supermarkets left in Britain. They're getting fewer and fewer with each massive merger between these corporate bear hammocks and soon. There may be only two or three big supermarket chains left in Britain, so please do support your local massive supermarket and not all these hundreds and hundreds of independent stores. And in this spirit the bugle is launching its new appeal section, appealing for areas that need appeals. So if any of you listeners have

any ideas for appeals that you think should be appealed to the appeal watching public, please do email them in to thebugelathtondonline.co.uk Here are the current appeals. Appeal for the war on terror. The war on terror is suffering terribly from catastrophic mismanagement, shameless profiteering and a total lack of long-term thinking. What it needs more than anything else is a comprehensive and balanced strategic plan for bringing peace to the Middle East. If you have any comprehensive and balanced strategic

plans to bring peace to the Middle East that you can spare at home, please call and donate. Just one comprehensive and balanced strategic plan to bring peace to the Middle East could help millions of people. Do you have any Albert Poo Holtes? There's currently only one Albert Poo Holt in the world playing for the St Louis Cardinals. But we need more Albert Poo Holtes. We want to have an Albert Poo Holt in every house in the western world by the end of this decade. So if you have any Albert Poo Holders, please send them into the bugle and we will clone him, breed him and send him out around the world. My Bologna source needs a little something. I've put in all the standard ingredients but something's not quite right.

If someone doesn't help out with the suggestion soon, I fear I may over-sult it. If you have any ideas for ingredients, please call in, but don't suggest Nutmeg. That has no place in a bolognese. John, I hate to interrupt a very important appeal, but what are you talking about? Nutmeg is a key ingredient in a bolognese. What exactly are you doing with your bolognese that makes it the extra sauce? It's not for a bolognese sauce. Are you using tin tomatoes?

Yeah, tin tomatoes. You're a fool! If you don't, you're not using tin tomatoes in a bolonet. Do not use red wine, that is a common mistake people make using red wine in a bolonet. I'm beginning to think this whole appeal is merely a cover for the fact that you are a substandard chef. And nutmeg is an excellent ingredient in both bolonets and and carbonara and I won't have a word set against it Tom are producers suggesting anchovies

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no The long awaited asking American section. So John, have you got the American with you in America? Okay, here's the interesting thing Andy now I understand that he's cried off twice so far once due to illness once due to moving house I'm afraid that's about to become a hat trick He's crying off due to spending Thanksgiving out of town So as we pointed out before because he's a representative sample of America, that means that the whole of America is out of town for Thanksgiving. I have to say a lot of our British listeners, John, are beginning to be quite skeptical about the presence of any Americans in America.

They asked her around, they're just ignoring Britain. I think it was probably after those comments that Gordon Brown made. It's really rankled. Instead of asking American, we're going to have some of your emails. This one comes from Brooke Copeland on the subject of who we should tell to shut up. She writes, I'm Brooke, I'm one of the handful of American listeners. I would enjoy it if you would tell Pat Robertson to shut up. He is the most sanctimoniously irritating person I've ever heard speak ever.

Here is his view on feminism. This is from 1992. Pat Robertson said, the feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is a socialist anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. While they are good at multitasking aren't they? And Brooke continues, spot on Pat, spot on, being a feminist, I plan to get married and have children, only to turn around and divorce my husband, drown my children, feast on their flesh, before running naked into the stock market to distract the traders

in order to make the stock market crash. Oh and then I'll shack up with a butch lesbian for good measure. Brooke, Pat Robertson will receive that shut up in just two seconds. Shut up, Pat! Another request for shutting up comes from Tory Grant, who writes, George Bush needs to shut up, because he is a stupid idiot, concise and to the point. And I'm not sure it's true that Bush is this idiot. He saw from Portrait as, let's not forget, you know, he's got a good degree in MBA, a successful career in

politics, which has included winning not one, but two presidential elections, one of which he won. So I don't think he can be this moron he saw from Portrait as, so I'm not sure we can tell George Bush to shut up, because he is a stupid idiot, and if he's that stupid he wouldn't understand being told to shut up anyway, so I'm afraid Tory, to shut up because he is a stupid idiot and if he's that stupid he wouldn't understand being told to shut up anyway so I'm afraid Tory your shut up has been rejected. This one comes from Anthony Murray. Did the bugle please tell Alan Shira to shut up. His insistence that Stephen Gerard and Frank Lamper can play together citing because great players can play together is simply stupid thanks Anthony Murray and Edinburgh. So I think

he's got a point Alan Sheerah, shut up about Lampard and Gerard. Heart section. DVDs. There are a host of new DVDs to look out for this week. We are recommending the following. Blade Runner, the Caterer's Cut. Following on from the multiple director, studio and producer cut of this seminal motion picture comes the version the Caterer intended. Many previously unseen pieces of footage have been added, such as Rick Decker remarking on how much he enjoyed the chicken stir fry earlier that day at lunch, and the film ends with Rutger Hauer listing some things which you wouldn't believe he had eaten. Another DVD coming out is Apocalypse Now, remembered, in which a man who saw a Pockelips now

when it was first on in the cinema tries to remember what happened in it, and I think he can just remember a bit where a boat goes down the river and something to do with helicopters. For those of you who like your sport with some laughs thrown in, check out Golf's greatest bloopers, over 4,000 clips of missed pups. Laugh as you see Colin Montgomery miss a routine for footer. Howl as you watch Phil Meckleton slightly miss reader left to right break for par, and pound the table in front of you whilst gasping for air, as you win his early elves lipping out with a 32 footer at the 11th as an Andrews.

Oh dear. Sport now? Hey! Sport! Sport! Sport! Sport! Sport! Well where else can we possibly start than with one of England football's greatest ever wins to go away to Israel where only one away team has won a competitive match in eight years and beat aside as good as Russia. Well that is some achievement especially without the likes of the injured Rooney Terry and Owen as well as Gerard Lampard and Cole who aren't eligible to play for Israel. So under pressure manager Steve McLaren had no choice but to pick a team of inexperienced

and largely unproven Israelis and to be able to conjure up such an incredible result against a team that let's not forget, took the world to the very precipice of nuclear armageddon in the 1960s. England of course do now look likely to qualify after hanging on desperately this Wednesday against Croatia. And it will go down as one of the greatest qualifying performances in world football history to get through a group with the likes of Russia You know one of the world's great superpowers Khrushche who could have won the last two world cups if they'd been better at football Israel whose existence was ordained by his influential affigur as the almighty lord himself

Macedonia who conquered most of the known world less than 2,350 years ago and andora who have more ski lifts per capita than any other country in the world, probably, that is so much achievement, John. So particularly when you think that Scotland we're in a group with Italy who, let's not forget, have bitchily run away from trouble. France who have so much cheese in their country, they can't possibly not kick a football and Ukraine, I mean, that wasn't even a country Yeah, until a few minutes ago. I'm amazed and slightly disappointed and he that you passed up the opportunity for a French army joke there Having made an Italian army joke to double it up with a French army joke I really would have had to retire from joke making at that point. Let me just ask you this innocent question then Andy

How many gears does a French army tank have? joke making at that point. Let me just ask you this innocent question then Andy, how many gears does a French army tank have? None. It just sits there and takes what's coming. Traditionally I believe the answer is one and it's reverse. Oh I see. I mean yours is even more insulting. It doesn't even have gears. Also this week baseball star Barry Bond has been charged with perjury and obstruction of justice over an inquiry into steroids use. This begs the question, could Barry Bond bring more disgrace to the noble sport of baseball? You'd think not, but sadly, killed John F. Kennedy, he hit a line drive off the grassy hole and the rest is graphically filmed history.

Also this week, a sport recommendation and the bugle is heartily recommending to you the sport of rodeo polka. Simply go to YouTube and talk the words rodeo and polka into the search engine, sit back and enjoy the mayhem. And some quick results for you. In fact from rodeo polka, polka players nil, bulls eight, very much according to the form book. And now it's time for the bugles unique audio cryptic crossword. If you listen to this bit of the bugle on the train someone might already have done this bit for you, although they probably got it wrong. This week's clue is tenacross. If you got three downright a couple of weeks ago, you know that the fifth letter of tenacross is A and the clue is this, stop after snake makes road surface, seven letters. And this is I guess a warning about the dangers of allowing reptiles to build major trunk roads.

And the in your heart of hearts do you believe that anyone is doing this? I like to think that people as soon as I hear the crossword, bit coming up just press stop and get on with their lives, and leave us to finish each week's podcasts with privacy and dignity intact. And finally, here is the terror threat forecast for next week. And what do you think the terror threat's gonna be? Well, I think, of course, it was a while ago, look, he's wearing a Rucksack.

I wonder where he's going on holiday. That, of course, went a while ago look he's wearing a Rucksack, a wonder where he's going on holiday that of course went up subsequently to he's wearing a Rucksack I wonder if there's an afterlife and I think it's probably going to come down this week to he's wearing a Rucksack I think I'll just move one carriage away just to be on the safe side. I believe that the terror threat level will be upgraded this week from tense to genuinely awkward. So that's it from this week's Bugle. Thanks very much for listening. We will be back hopefully on time next Monday from me and his ultimate in London. Bye. And from me, John Oliver in New York. Happy Thanksgiving America and Happy Week, England. Exactly how much thanks are being given to America by the rest of the world at the moment, John New York, Happy Thanksgiving America and Happy Week, England. And actually how much thanks are being given to America by the rest of the world at the moment, John, on Thanksgiving Day?

It's a kind of civil thanks. I just thought we should clear that up before we go across the issue. music