The Bugle - Platypus on the Menu! (4215)

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

Andy is with Tom Ballard, Lloyd Langford (debut) and a room full of excited Buglers to discuss a major new trade deal, balls, and Chile. Plus, it's roughly Christmas.Some things to tell you:The Bugle Ashes Urncast is here: http://pod.link/UrncastOur new site is thebuglepodcast.comThis show has no ads, support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanLloyd LangfordTom BallardAnd produced by Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Right, we're about to see a technological miracle now.

This is the Bugle Live podcast. We will now be linking up through the tiny screen on the stage after certain technical... There it is. It's producer Chris in London. Right, my seven-year-old and two-year-old are right next to me, right now. So why would you call him? Right, well, they've got to learn Chris after three, everyone. One, two, three. Oh, there we go. Right, well they've got to learn Chris after three everyone one two three Oh, there it is

The bugle audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Melbourne, hello Chris. Hello Adi. Welcome to the show. Essentially what the Beagle podcast is is the one remaining vehicle of pure truth in the known universe. So for those news for the show this is Chris who produced the show. Also in the room tonight very excitingly we have Chris's predecessor Tom. See Chris,, no one told him to go f**king himself. That would be a lesson to you mate. Where is Andy?

He's opening him out, making him feel like he's known. Well, I mean, it's very hard to see, but he's at the back of the room. Oh, there he is. Um. LAUGHTER Sorry, so we have Chris on this tiny screen. This is the Bugle Live. Live from Melbourne, it's doubling up as issue 4,215 of the Bugle.

For those unfamiliar with the show, we skipped out. o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r gweithio, o'r g to catch up. So just to try and clear the decks. The world might have more time for podcasts listening over the next few weeks anyway. So the bugle is the world's leading only audio newspaper for a visual world. I am Andy Salzman, can you back me up on this Melbourne? Who am I? I think that's good enough for me, that's proof. It's the 22nd of December, Ys gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gydol, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn ymwch, mae'n gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaith According here, on 22 December 2021, on this day, in the year 401AD, Pope Innocent I was elected. The only Pope to any guesses? Have kids not quite? Take a five-per-on debut for the Vatican in a test match against England. That's basically the only country we've never f***ing lost to actually mate.

Well this is a very, this is a crickety crowd, I can sense it, this is making fuzz or American listeners. It's not always been this way as a Pope. Pope innocent the first was the only Pope ever to succeed his father, which, I mean that must have been an awkward, it's been an awkward, awkward job interview. So what did you say your dad did again? Are you sure you're right for this job? Saturday the 25th is, well I'm surprised how few of you knew that, And as part of the Bugle's Christmas celebration, we're now going to have a Bugle Christmas quiz. Of course, quizzes are part of the tradition of Christmas, right, back to the very first. Christmas and the famous quiz.

So, Mary, can you tell me, is the father of this baby A, me, Bracket Joseph, your long term boy? Is it B, as you claim God, or is it C, Luigi, your yoga instructor? So we will now have a bugle quiz question one, and you can just shout out your answers as a group, multiple choice. King Heerod, which is short for Alexander Rodriguez, of course. It's one of many baseball fans in. His controversial policy of killing all male children under the age of two is now widely considered to be what? A, bullshit, B, against EU law, C, an attention-seeking act

of performative north wave feminism. LAUGHTER D, economically short termist. Or E, all of the above. E, E is the correct answer. Well, on Melbourne, you're one-neil up. Question two, what do historians now think the self-starred three-wise men actually brought us gifts to the infant Christ child. Was it a gold, frankincense, and a box of cheap chocolates from the last service station

on the road into Bethlehem? Was it b, an action man of Samsung, a Barbie doll of the Prophet Ruth, and go go go Goliath, the hit board game where you had to flick little marbles out of a miniature sling to knock over a plastic phyllis dine? Was it d, a teach yourself magic kit the book, parable writing for dummies and vouchers for donkey riding lessons? Or was it D, a gimp mask, whips handcuffs and thigh-high leather boots

after a terrible misunderstanding? Let's see, see as the correct answer. And finally, in our Christmas quiz question three, before Jesus was born, what did Santa Claus and his reindeer do for a job? Was it A, mostly pizza deliveries, And finally, in our Christmas quiz question three, before Jesus was born, what did Santa Claus and his reindeer do for a job? Was it A, mostly pizza deliveries? Was it B, emergency building, repairs and rescues? Was it C, pest control? Locust distraction, mostly? Was it D, corporate experience days? Or was it E, they just argued? I'm telling you, fellas,

the business plan has sound we just need the right Messiah. ABC, D, or E. E. E. It's actually corporate experience days. So there you go Melvin you got one and a half out of three. As always a section of the bugle is going where? It's going where Melvin? Where, Melbourne? Been of the day! Oh, and this, of course, on this Christmas, this is essentially how religion start. Um, he picked up his bed and... What? Anyway, right, okay.

Although what that doesn't tell you is tone of voice. It's a thing with Bible stories. And when Jesus said, pick up your bed and walk. He might have just been a kind of right-wing politician, pick up your bed and walk, because now hand out for you, my mate. Chris, do you want to play a sting? Because that was quite a long intro. That's it, I'm not... It's what Chris! Oh! Chris, at what point was this bring your child to work then?

I mean it's not work anymore. Go to work anymore Annie. This is my life. This is all our lives for the last 18 months. This is my office, that's my kitchen, and that's my living room. Hi Aussies. Right, so it's time to meet our guests for the Bugle Live, I realise I'm introducing people at some of you, didn't even know you were going to see. Could be a good thing or a bad thing. I'm delighted, firstly, to welcome back to the Bugle Australia's greatest living human.

Not everything I sell on this show is true, but look, still, still fantastic comedian, great pleasure to welcome him too, the musical show. Please welcome Tom Ballard! Hello, Vue Glass! Oh, f*** your Chris, f*** your Tom! She's no f***ing pressure with that intro, Andy. Thanks very much. The greatest living human. Look, the greatest living Australian, it's not a very high bar. Oh. Not since match died.

Get on with it, I'm in a bad mood, I was expecting Cedar as far. Instead of left with this bullshit. Get on with it, I'm in a bad mood, I was expecting Santa Rastvar. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's topic please! Okay, great time, but the thing that comes to me of course is that you know this time of year we get to celebrate our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, um, yeah. Fucking splitter. So, well, it's nice to have Tom on the show because he teased me about being Jewish and I teased him that my Lord is going to um, burn him in the fires of eternal damnation for the way he lives his life. It's a beautiful French. Um, muzzle tough, dear friend.

Joining us today for On the Bugle for the very first time, it is a huge pleasure to welcome all the way from Melbourne, but originally from Wales, a man who's not only a tremendous comedian, but also someone who knows way more about blues music than most people his age from Wales. Probably everyone your age from Wales put together, I think. a'u bluwch i'r music, ac mae'r fwy'n gweithio'r ymwyl. Mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl, mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl, mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl, mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl, mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl, mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl. Mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl, mae'n gweithio'r ymwyl. Gweithio'r ymwyl.

Gweithio'r ymwyl. Welch ymloed. Dyn. Welch ymloed. Welch ymloed. Mae'r ysgol i'n ylustris sy'n ymloed. Mae'r ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i'n ysgol i when Lloyd lived in the correct atmosphere. We used to play football with other comedians, and they would always be talking about like corporates and television and Poon Tang.

And we just talk about money waters. LAUGHTER That was a particularly loose girl who lived in the village. I was just wondering, hell of a doubt with money orders today. Now I have to go get a jet. Money waters are where we're ended up after a gig at Swansea University. Now Lloyd, you have recently had a baby. No, I mean not. It's a team effort these days. So, and your baby is

how old? Seven to eight weeks. So that is, your baby is slightly younger than Alice Fraser's baby. So you're now the champion of Buegel co-hosts with the youngest child. At the end of the show, we're going to get them on stage to fight. Um, can you tell me from your seven weeks of parenting experience, what are your tips for any, uh, would be parents out there? Oh. So I just want to tip to you, know how old your baby is. Like, maybe it's cute at the start, but like, you really should get pretty specific, pretty quick.

I'll acknowledge his age. EAT! Yeah. I haven't gendered the beard. Yeah! Hey, look, don't come here with your old style, dude. I'm sorry! I'm f***ing cancelled.

I'll acknowledge his age when it turns one. Up until then, don't fuck about with it. Week nonsense. I can tell you the date of birth if anyone's good at maths. Right. Well I'm here to do cricket statistics. So, one watch your top tip from seven weeks of dadying. One of the things that the midwife showed me is when you're changing the nape, get the

fresh nape underneath, the soiled nape, because otherwise you spend, I say, a good 45% of your time cleaning shit off a change table. Which is the title of Lloyd's new parent. I've also been deadying recently, but it's a very different family show Tom. Very Christmas, everyone. Tom Ballard, an abomination in the eyes of God. And Lamentant, baby. Right, Chris, it's time for Top Story. Top Story this week. the Australia UK trade deal, are you all excited about that here

in Australia? We are f***ing beside ourselves. What's the moment? The benefits of Brexit just keep cascading into the bountiest bussom of Britannia. This new trade deal, I mean what a trade deal. It could boost the size of the UK economy, which let's not forget is God's favourite economy. Of course, that's why he appointed the Queen to look after it.

His only daughter. The trade deal is going to boost the size of the economy by a staggeringly impressive 0.08%. There we go. Impressive, imperceptible potato potato. The margin of error will...any prophylactic. Well, you sound like you're speaking from recent bitter experience there, Lloyd. Lloyd is someone who's now living in Australia from the UK.

I mean, this must have been such an exciting time for you. Yes, well, an Australian trade union leader said this was a very bad idea for Australia. Recording in progress. Oh, thanks. Mike, Mike. Chris. I think I better choose my words carefully. No, we'll notice that. Andy, are you aware that your line has been compromised?

You are currently being hacked by a robot. How long is the show been going for? That you were somehow less professional. Yeah, well, that's because that f***er over there, I'm a greenie. It's a less professional lunch, so let's lose it. Chris, have you been recording any of this until now? Recording what? Truly f*** you, Chris. He's paying some £1.95 a minute for this. It's being recorded at the back of the Don't worry.

This is Ruth with the professional operation. We're all fine. We've also got five stenographers in here. LAUGHTER Hey, someone at the back currently beavering away at a top of street. LAUGHTER What's a British podcast? That's traditionally how we record a street. So, this trade deal, Thomas, I mean, you... Yeah, yeah, forget about me.

Come back to you later. I didn't get to do his part.'re absolutely right the moment it pops. So feel free to talk Tom. I'll give you a tip. You better be quick. You have 20 minutes of podcast left to pay for more podcast. Press four, now. Well I'm living about the trade deal Andy. Right. I think it's no good. Right, what's up Tom?

Look at it this stage up here. It's already 66% Brit. Right. Here I am. A typical Aussie bloke. You, you are, I've always said it, Tom Barlard, what an ocar. F*** it, oath mate.

And I'm up here doing the bugle of bloody treasured Australian institution. And I'm competing with bloody Mr. Welshi face face and a frizzy headllumpton Jew. I mean, goddamn! It's a disgrace, and according to these other notes of my hilarious riffing, I'm worried about the deal. Before we know it, thanks to this deal, the entire Australian comedy scene is going to be washed with imported acts from Britain,

like Adam Peel's and Felicity Ward. Let's take our country back, baby! Oh dear. Oh, that's a dance as old as time itself. So Lloyd, as the bugles Anglo-Australian trades correspondent. Yes. I am a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a'r ymdyn a' a'r ymd and beef and lamb and they're still going to have to do quarters. Like, we have our own beef and lamb. Why don't we get some of the Australian meats that we don't have? Like, if I was in the UK now, I wouldn't be interested in eating an Australian sheep.

But like a platypus. I guess it could open the doors. You can have the meat on the egg. It's a monotream, right? Yeah. But what you're describing there is the complete all-in-one breakfast. But what you're describing there is the complete all-in-one breakfast. LAUGHTER Or like a one-back burger? LAUGHTER Like, stop holding back all the fucking exotic animals. LAUGHTER

Like, with nothing beats Welsh lamb. Right. And an Australian lamb that's been flot-like. Yeah, but you should know, Lloyd, being well, as you are, without breaking confidence. LAUGHTER You know, the danger of eating these rareer species, because in Wales now, all the dragons were eaten, and there are no dragons left.

LAUGHTER So you, above all people, should know the dangers of this. Well, I'll say any some cangrism on beds if you send us some swans. Very, very difficult to over-cook dragon. You put a flame to it and it does absolutely nothing to it. I don't like free trade Andy, I prefer fair trade, okay? That's what I'm about.

Yeah. Example, you give us Harry Styles. We give you Ralph Harris. Okay, to keep. That's fair. That's a fair swap. We have him currently though. Oh yeah. Yeah, thanks for doing us the sole of that.

Give us back our monogues. Well, one of them anyway. So, 0.08% increase in the... o'r ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn y ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym yn ym 8% which is, I mean mathematically that's the same as four, isn't it? The only scientists in, now I mean cynics might say this trade deal is essentially the equivalent of starting a new fitness regime by putting on a roller skate when you haven't even bandaged the wound on your other leg after chainsawing it off yourself below the hip. And those cynics would be right, but that's not the fucking point. It's a lovely roller skate and just just wait until we side a train deal to the mighty Solomon Islands as well.

Farming has been particularly, British farming sector has reacted to the trade deal. Very much the same way as England Captain Joe Roots reacted to being struck by a 90-mile-an-hour cricket ball right in the fucking plums. for the second time in a day. So the agricultural sector is not impressed. And actually there are quite a lot of parallels actually. He got two balls in the snudges in a single day, Joe Roo. He got one in more

after choosing to do morning practice without a box. And he got hit in the nuts, so the parallels are on Canny, because farmers broadly voted to leave the EU. What is Brexit, if not an avoidable fact of the proverbial national scrotum? Um, I mean, for wine, though, are you guys going to be getting our sweet, sweet Australian wine, the elimination of all tariffs? So now you can enjoy beautiful Australian wines, Andy. Such as

Sheila Cherez, Fouacan Pino, Struth Malbec, Yeah, I should have let you know, the order's not right here. And offshore Oasis, which is made not from grapes, but from the tears of the refugees We keep held on prison islands. That's a lovely drop. I believe that's the house one at the home office. You've heard of that. So we're hoping to be able to do the British one and this is really taken off.

We'll be making our own in a couple of years. Oh, great. Have you ever had a Goon Bug? The first time on the show, and you're already asking me that. I've had a Goon Bug, but again, it's very different. It's part of the daddy experience. A Goonbag. A Goonbag is like a...

It's a... He hear accident, it sounds like a mythical creature. Wow, you know, we killed all the dragons, so... Then we had to move on to the gunbugs. It's like an Australian delicacy. Right. It's like a bag of bad wine. All right, okay.

And you attach it to your washing line. It's a rena strip. Like that. Ha ha ha. You attach it to your... Hillshoist circular washing line. Okay. And then you all stand round in the circle.

And then someone spins the washing line. And then like when it... I can't believe you haven't done this. Right. I had to do it as part of my partnership visa. Right. That's how the child happened. Well, I think the conclusion from that is that federation in 1901 is really not

f***ing working out. The British government has been accused of selling farmers down the river, and the government response was, oh, I didn't know we could sell farmers. That's a, some of them can put on the next trade deal. We don't need them anymore. We've got, what do you reckon? What? £995 a farmer?

Or I can, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's launch it at £995 and drop it to £649 in the January sales. That is the nation we are now. We are trading global, Britain, this is what was said when we voted for Brexit that Britain had regained its mojo and we were going to be a great global nation again, global Britain and you could kind of sense the rest of the world here those words turn to each other nervously and say nail everything down It's part of the deal is that British 18 to 35 year olds. Oh, yeah, I'm old. I'm old. I'm old. I'm old. Are you out of time? How old are you now?

15 That's the wealth they go backwards They they hit 35 and they turn straight around I'm 38 They go backwards. They hit 35 and they turn straight around. I'm 38. That makes me feel fucking old. How old were you when I first came together? I was a child, yeah. I was sent to. I scraped him out of an orphanage.

I'm going to make you a star kid. Here we are now. When I first met you and John Oliver, I was a teenage boy. And those things you did. What? Top quality sat on you? That's why he had to emigrate. Have you heard of John Oliver? Is anyone here not heard of John Oliver?

Please, please! Yes! One! Get in! Everyone in this room has heard of Andy's old man. Everyone! Who's the f***ing big dog now? But anyway, I would say that the rights to come to Australia as an 18 to 35-year-old to

work for three years is way, way better for young British people than the rights to go and live work and build your lives in any one of 27 countries across Europe, which is according yn ymdwch i'n gwybod i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch i'r llwyd yn ymdwch trade deal, however, Tom Scott Morrison, your beloved leader. Shared up a Scabo! Hello! Shit, Crayon! His poll ratings have been falling. Oh no. But he's so cool and down to earth. I mean, what can, he's got a gun at my 19 points in a year.

What can possibly explain? He's personality, ideology, in general outlook. All right. It's no. Well, look, look. If you ignore everything he says and does, he's quite good. Oh, OK. Well.

He's scomo, and he's very boring, and that's my main problem. He's evil, but boring at the same time. All right. The Donald Trump. Well, Donald Trump was entertaining, he tweets funny, she had to f**k a porn stuff. Scott Morrison looks like he's safe word is spreadsheets. And I'm just like, grow a mustache or something.

He did, he did once, I'm gonna shed himself in a m something He did he did one some shit himself in the McDonald's That was definitely that was part of your citizen chip test wasn't That was straight after the gun bug You've got to know the one who shot himself in the McDonald's and the one who never came back from a swim It's pretty I mean it's been tanky, yes, this year, because you have people very furious about the vaccine rollout, which has got Boris and famously described as not a race. It's not a race to get vaccine,

which is exactly what fat kids like me used to say during cross country at high school. It's not a race, everyone. The main thing is we're having fun. But he's not a race, everyone. The main thing is we're having fun. But he's not very popular. And the poles are narrowing between him and Anthony Albanese. And I did say, part of this poll that was repaid on this week, said that 27% of respondents don't know who they prefer between Albanese and Scott Morrison.

Now both of these men have been in their jobs for like three years. And in Australian politics, that's a very long time. Normally leaders get a chance to put their name on the station area, then immediately beheaded in a bloody coup and sent to live out their days on Christmas Island, okay? But these guys have both been there for three years and people still don't know when asked which of these f*** heads, unless the f*** head. People go, it's still a line call. I can't figure it out. More than like 27% that's crazy. Right. So I was intrigued by the term approval rating.

Which seems kind of inappropriate for modern politics. The only thing I mean, disapproval rating, they measure that as well. I think I can't even look at the bastard rating. Would be better. If they were the only candidate on the ballot paper, I'd write out a festering pile of rotting donkey flesh and vote for that instead rating.

Maybe even I would rather vomit a pregnant porky pine and then down a pint of vinegar than listen to this self-serving crook speak for a second more rating. Which I think the Scott Morrison would be round about 23% of people go over that. Boris Johnson on that one, 100% of people will have that Boris Johnson. We'll be That is only a poll I did of me. And also I do like vinegar. And I know how to grease a porcupine.

But look at, I don't know. It's very difficult to get malt vinegar in Australia. I've found. That's the good stuff. How do you do people? You are animals. If you ask for vinegar for your chips, they normally look you confused. And then they come back with this kind of clear liquid. You can't get more, do you know what I mean? That's a f***ing abomination. Oh yeah, we make up for it with sunshine. Yeah. I'm a f***ing abomination. Oh yeah, we make up for it with sunshine.

Yeah. Sorry there's no f***ing mushy peas, but there is a f***ing paradise out there. We apologize. I can mush my own peas, but I can't mull my own vinegar. That was a muddy water song. That was a muddy water song. Yes, so let me put a final bit of Australian political story, Tom. Joe Hildenbrand, who you've described in capital letters,

and I assume this is an acronym as moron. LAUGHTER Um, has encouraged Australia to deal with COVID in a rather unusual way? Yes, Joe Hilderbrand is an ill-informed ignorant dunce about opinions that are read. He's like your prime minister. And he wrote opinion piece that he'd come to a lot of heat for

in which he sort of said that we're just overacting. Okay? Australia with bedwitters. We Australians like to think that we're a tough lot, but the truth is we're a bunch of bedwitters. It's time we found our balls. And I'm not the first one to point this out, but that really does read like Joe Hildogrand thinks that the urine is in the balls. Which is not a great opening door piece in which you want people to take you seriously. For months we've been told that when COVID restrictions ease, case numbers would naturally increase, but there was no need for panic.

And so what happened? Case numbers increased and we sharded our breaches, rude. This is the inconvenient truth that COVID has exposed. There are two Australia's. One is the rugged, relaxed and confident character of our national mythos, and the other is the anxious, angry and costeted character who demands unconditional protection from all life's slings and arrows. Now I'd actually argue there's three Australia's.

Andy, there's those two Australia's, the Trevor Hildle band describes, and there's actually a third Australia. A rugged, relaxed, confident, thoughtful, cheeky, charming, and ripped Australia. And Australia likes to get a little crazy on the weekend. And Australia likes to get a little freaky in the bedroom. A verse, bottom Australia. A dirty little freaky of Australia. Ooh, you like that, don't you?

Ooh, f***, oh, f*** me, Australia. Sorry, I got lost into the writing of that. But he also said that no one is suggesting that we go back to licking toilet seats, but the eagerness of states to enforce once unthinkable restrictions of the name of our protection has fueled the sense that the government is wholly responsible for our health and wellbeing. So apparently he's wholly back on licking toilet seats that eventually once we get the booster shots and we'll be able to return to that beloved activity, where we can lick up all the piss that comes from within the balls.

I think that's what Joe Herald-Bad is going for. Are we all learning? We're learning. We're learning. This is one of the problems I've found moving to Australia, because I've got to relearn who all of the battle ends are in the country. So I like I wouldn't know like you know like I trust people you know so like I could end up in like I don't know

Pauline Hanson's fishing chip shop or you know like a new parents group with Sonia Krueger and then afterwards I go on there with a paedia page and I'm like, oh, this is an era. They are a notably bad person. I asked Anne who my partner Anne, who Joe Hilderbrand was and she said he's like a sort of cut priced pierced Morgan. And I read this article, right? And he's talking about like, Australia needs to grow some balls. Australia should stop bed wetting. Australia needs to do this.

I was like, this, I'm going to look up a photograph of this guy because he's obviously a beefy Muslim man. He's obviously a quivering hunger testostero. He's obviously a quivering hunger testosteron Who's talking tell me how it is and then I looked him up and I saw a photo of him and he's basically egon from Ghostbusters Overcompensating a Jorhilde brand fund leaving You've crossed the line Lloyd or the compensating. A jaw-hilder-brun-fun leaving. You've crossed the line, Lloyd. Well, someone that's curious, call it, isn't to grow some balls.

Yes. I mean, when you look at things that have happened in history, that have been bad, balls tend to be involved. I mean, name one thing bad in history, anyone? Joe Root. Oh, oh. Yeah, that's harsh, isn't it? Yeah, let's have some human sympathy for a man

who's leading a really shit team with crushed testicles. Uncrushed dreams. I mean, you could have gone with Hitler or Stalin, but you know, with Joe Rue. Right, you know. There we go. But, you know, they've mostly had balls. So really, really, you shouldn't be saying to deal with these problems, I think the world needs fewer balls.

Hmm. And these are loose and balls. Yeah, but not like that. Like Hitler did. Yeah, I think so. It was, many ways, a feminist. LAUGHTER That's how it works.

Moving on now to Chris. How are you doing in London by the way? How are we doing in London? It's 10 o'clock and it's just about to get lights. Right, one degrees outside. Right. I look through my photo highlights of the year yesterday, Andy, and my favourite photo is a picture of me complaining about a new bin

because it had a hole in it. It's been a great year back home. And absolutely, absolutely great. And I mean, Covid is basically Covid has basically overtaken pigeons now. It's just like flying through through the streets shitting on people's cars. I believe about one in 40 people in London currently have it. It's everywhere. It's absolutely everywhere. But, you know, I mean, it could be worse. It's not like we've got family to see

over Christmas or anything. Yeah. Well, it's got about a minute shows the, you know, the triumph of the British, the British attitude that we're our best in adversity and we've given ourselves a f*** of a lot of adversity. And someday it's gonna come good for us. I'm so glad both our governments have made it easy

for you to travel here and like, just pass on the other crop between the two nations. That's fantastic. Sorry, I'm Jewish, I'm immune. Okay. So, I believe that's one of the conspiracy theories. I'm Jewish, I'm immune. OK, so I believe that's one of the conspiracy theories. LAUGHTER Right, world news now.

And we are going to delve for the first time in Buegel history into Chilean politics. CHEERING CHEERING Chile, so I mean, what, what... Do you continue yourself on Millennial, either of you? Yes, yes. Yeah, I think I technically, I am. Right, so I mean what what's what do you consider yourself a millennial either of you? Yes, yes, yeah, I think I technically I am right so I mean what I mean you can't be a millennial You like blues too much, but I think I cannot be a millennial for your obsessed with blues you you you are definitely a millennial

I'm the voice of a generation, right? So I mean what what? Did she say sing this a song? At least you want to you to sing some Welsh blues. Oh, me muddy waters. Oh, I got broken up with. Oh, I don't have any vinegar. I'm sorry, that's pretty racist. I'm a... I'm the voice of a generation.

I'm fortunate that generation lived in around 30 AD. Oh, my god. Are you fucking guilty? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I hate the Easter jokes at Christmas, it gives us shit. They both cost us market share. Anyway, millennials in Chile do a bit more of their lives on Utah. They become presidents. Gabriel Borich, or Borich, 35 years old, one of the presidential elections. He's set to be the second youngest state leader in the world after any guesses.

Nope. Nope, he's younger than Finland. And I'm not counting Doris Johnson's behavioural age. It's of course Jackamo Simanchini, the captain region of San Mfking Reno. You disrespectful, pieces of shit. Absent respect for the only surviving micro-state in the Italian peninsula. Now, the oldest head of state. We're laughing and we're learning.

The old... I'll take one out of those at any time. The oldest head of state? The Queen. Yes, exactly. It's Betty Bourbles, Lizzie Spanglehem, Elizabeth I.I. the second. She's 95 years and eight months of pure God-selected Monarch right there. The six-foot seven-inch professional banknote model. Stands behind a special prism. So she doesn't tower

over her subjects like Peter the Great to more humble. Mother of four, is it still four? Has he been sacked yet, Chris or not? Still four, still four, and Dayfactor, grandmother of 67 million. This is quite an exciting, I know you're both obsessed with Chilean politics. That's why you moved to the southern hemisphere, isn't it Lloyd? The... The... The closer to Chile. On a latitude and all, is it longer? Anyway, it doesn't matter. But, um...

So, it's quite... It's an interesting thing that he's just sort of leftist anti-free markets and he overcame the challenge of the self-proclaimed Chilean Trump. Is this a moment of hope? I just think it's fucking good. I try to write jokes about this but it's just an awesome on the stump when it's campaigning he vowed to bury the neoliberal economic model left by general Pinachet and raised taxes on the sewer rich to expand social services, fight inequality and boost protections of the environment

I very much enjoyed that his predecessor was a self-described conservative billionaire. Like is there any other kind? But you're conservative billionaire, you're like, well, I don't want to go into space. I'll just visit the botanic garden. He's a opponent was fascinating, right? Jose Cast, as a lawmaker, Cast has a record of attacking Chile's LGBT community and advocating more restrictive abortion laws, so basically similar politics to Andy's ultimate. And in recent days, both candidates tried to view towards the center. I'm not an extremist, this is a quote from Kass. I'm not extremist.

I don't feel far right, Mr. Kass proclaimed in the final stretch. Even as he was dogged by revelations that his German-born father had been a... LAUGHTER Had been a card-carrying member of Adolf Hitler's Nazi party. Now, being a member of Adolffitler's Nazi party's one thing, but don't carry a card. You know, this is Robbie Yredd, I think. But he didn't feel far right, Andy,

so it's all about how you feel, you know? So, I mean, the key voter demographics in the Chilean election were young people, women, people who give a shit about ephemeral trifles, like inequality, the environment, the future and justice. Now, there's not usually enough of them to swing an election, but especially in Chile, where the key vote is often split by the influential, this country should be less long and thin lobby. We want the ridiculously slender nation to be squidged

down and to a less absurd shake to increase the sales of commemorative t-shirts with the silhouettes of the country on spokesman for the party said we're pretty much restricting our sales to people who are over seven foot two and are really skinny and not many then come on holiday to Chile because they're mostly too busy playing professional basketball. But anyway they managed to overcome this issue and he defeats you say Jose Antonio Castellio described himself as a was described as a free market fire brand which I believe is a polite way of saying massive reading between the lines that's the news from Chile

this week we will report exclusively on quite how quickly that dream falls apart over the next few years. Yes, I look forward to the CIA coup that initiated under the dull, sad, political and economic reality. Right, I think that's it. It's been an absolute delight, don't you? Chris, thanks very much for joining me, I'll say to our Australian crowd here? Go for Tom, go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom!

Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom!

Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go for Tom! Go now! If you got any any final messages for Chris

Thank you Chris. There we go. Yeah, and by that we made Merry Christmas. Give it up for Tom who got the whole thing started all those years ago. Welcome. Welcome Matt. There's please show your appreciation for the wonderful Tom Ballard. Merry Christmas, everyone. And on the Bugle debut, Lloyd Langford. Thank you very much for coming. Thanks to the European beer cafe for having us. And I'll see you all next time, goodbye. Everybody, you're an amazing resultsman!

Everybody give it a man, this is Oldsmann! Recording stopped.