The Bugle - Ross and Rachel – Bugle 4099

Episode Date: March 2, 2019

Andy is in America, and this episode is mostly Brooklyn, with a little DC.In focus this week, the Brexit countdown and why it's like Ross and Rachel, plus Michael Cohen's testimony, and secret microphones.Features a fine debut from Josh Gondelman and the usual family fun from Alice Fraser.We need you to survive. Click here to support the showWith@HelloBuglersAlice FraserJosh Gondelman@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hello, Buglers. And welcome to Issue 4,99 of the Bugle.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, and what you're about to hear are highlights of the first few shows of the Bugle America tour. We began in Brooklyn, then onto Washington, D.C., and then Boston. Since then, we've already been to Providence, Rhode Island, which was an absolutely delightful show tonight, as I record. I'm in Northampton, Massachusetts, which you might get to if you listen to this very quickly and or have a time machine. Then on the 3rd of March, it's Philadelphia, 4th of March, Chicago, the 5th Mini-Hapilist, the 6th Denver, the 7th Portland, the 11th San Francisco, and the 12th Los Angeles.

See you all at all of those shows. There are also people live shows coming up soon in Scotland, Glasgow and Edinburgh on the 19th and 20th of March. Also, I'm doing a special three night run of Sakeris for higher at the Soho Theatre, the 26th to the 28th of March. These are Brexit special shows.

I will be answering any questions on Brexit, valid or otherwise to the best of my ability or to the worst of my ability I'll decide closer to the time. So here are some of the choices bits from those three venues. Oh I haven't finished writing this joke just remembered. There we go. That does sometimes happen. Those are the bits that Chris will be editing out. So... The Bugle, audio use paper for a visual world. Hello, Bugles, please welcome to the stage and the Zoltzman! And these are all to come! Right, I'm British, it's starting to sound sarcastic now. So, hello, Bugglers, hello Los Angeles.

Sorry, Brooklyn, sorry, sorry. I'm always getting those mixed up. That's right, I've gone straight in with a 1950s baseball joke. Give the crowd what they want. So if you are allergic to sporting references, I suggest you take a powerful anti-histamine now. This is the first live bugle ever to take place A on the east coast of the USA. And what a coast that is, a lot of east coast fans in there, easily one of the top coasts of the USA for me.

It's the first ever bugle to take place on the 26th of February 2019. If you discount the live bugle that goes on whenever I wake up and start talking. 24, 7, 3, 6, 5, always on call. And it's also the first ever live bugle to take place with a full operational, well-regulated militia backstage. Went in Rome. So this is the bugle, live from the Bellhouse in Brooklyn. Um, doubling up as at least part of issue 4,099

of the world's leading only unpossibly best audio newspaper for a visual world, the visual version of a show that is by definition not dependent on anything visual. What the f**k are you people doing here? By which I mean thanks for coming. I'm always getting those two mixed up as well. So another quick straw poll, who listens to the bugle regularly? Thank you very much, thank you for your, sport, who has never listened to the bugle.

You are possibly in for a confusing night. So I should now introduce someone without whom the show couldn't take place. Well, well, it could, but it would be even more chaotic than it already is. And that is producer Chris. Let's get on to it. Here we are. We've got producer Chris here. Let's...

So, you can get him on there. So, we're... Happy Bugle. Sorry, I can't be there. He can't be here! He cannot be here! He cannot be here, and therefore... Therefore, he's been sacked. That's sacked for not being here. But instead, we have an adequate replacement for... ...because everything is being automated.

And for the first time, we have a robot producer. There we go, that is the... By the way, the reason he's not here, a number of reasons, you might have heard some of them, he's restraining all of it partly. He has actually still wanted in connection with the Salem witchcraft trials in 1692, after tried to dunk Mary Walcott in a pond.

Claimers just trying to train her up for the first phase of the impending Massachusetts triathlon championships, but they were every none of it. Also, we have to keep one component of the view, well in Britain in case Brexit is brought forward unexpectedly. Also, Chris has just had a hip replacement, but just the best guy, and you don't want a square replacement, is this on? So instead, we have the producer tech auto-Chris3000X, the fully automated robot podcast producer, let's see if it works.

Hello, Budeline! There we go! Hello, Andy! Hello, Robo, Chris. Have you got anything else to say? Pfft! Hello, Big Liz. There we go. Hello, Andy. Hello, Robo, Chris. Have you got anything else to say? Pfft. There we go. So, nothing changes.

So, we are recording and performing this on the 26th of February 2019. CHEERING Well, you have just cheered the anniversary of the Christian's book, Palace in Copenhagen, burning down in 1794. What is your problem with Danish architecture? of the Christian's book, Palace in Copenhagen, burning down in 1794. What is your problem with Danish architecture? You've just cheered the anniversary of Adolf Hitler, one of the naughtiest men of the 20th century, if I may quote the International Society for massive understatements,

ordering the Luftwaffe to be reformed, violating the Treaty of Versailles, and you've cheered down, what kind of f***ing monsters are you? As always some sections of the view go like going We have future food what food are we going to be eating in the future? We've all heard about how catastrophic The climate change is going to be for food. So what are we going to be eating in future? So we have the future food Well for a start how is food going to be different? No calorie will be too busy for calorie competitive global economy will just be troughing down face first on a plate and what I'll be eating a giant bees Why not be worms obviously? With the spaghetti of the future Random bugs. We also be eating odd cubes of strangely colored mush.

That's really the future of food and old iPads, our pots. Gotta make some use of them. Random stuff we find around the house. And plastic bags, of course, plastic bags are already very popular amongst a number of sea creatures. a'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb i'r rhwb plastic in the sea and you know those little kind of plastic things off the tops of beer cans I just see those as SNM kit for sexual adventurous terrapins It's time to meet our first co-host for today We're gonna try something absolutely incredible now using the wonders of technology see if you can guess the bugle co-host based on the following lies She is acting secretary general of the United Nations. She owns a bobsled, not only that. She thinks that the bobs will be the most efficient form of transport after the apocalypse, and will all be riding bobsleds, and is terrified of toast. Any guesses? Well well would you believe it yes it is it is Alice Fraser

there we go let's let's see this is this is live from London Hello Alice do you want to see the crowd? Say hello to Alice. There we go. Hello. So, um, I'm there. There is. There is Geraldine. So, how's, uh, how's London? Well, I'm well, well, I'm sick and it's one o'clock in the morning here, but I had a good day. Today Facebook showed me an ad for spam and I had to report it as spam. That is the logical endpoint of modern civilisation, isn't it? Right, and it's time now to meet our second bugle co-host for the day. So I forget it's an international show, you've got to play people in with a national anthem. Right, so get us the bugle co-host.

This is based on facts, three facts about our bugle co-host for today. Firstly, first appearance on the Buegel. Buegel debut. Fact number two, he abandoned his 2020 presidential run to appear on this show tonight. That is a kind of dedication you are getting from the man you're about to meet. And fact three, he used to work on a show called Last Week Tonight. Last week tonight with this man. There he is, that is John Oliver as he looked before he came to America, he's warmed up. Please welcome a huge big or welcome to Josh Gondelman. Hey Josh, howdumman! Hey, Josh.

How you doing? I feel tremendous. Thank you for having me. It would have been amazing if anybody had guessed me. Truly incredible. One person in the back like, Goddumman! Oh, sorry, so we've got to play you in with your anthem as well.

Oh, thank you. Did anyone take the knee? Did anyone take the knee? We're just on a weed out, the riffraff. No, I'm... So, John, welcome to the Bugle. So, delighted to have you on for the first time. How's America? I mean, you've seen it from afar.

And much like a firework, that's best how it's observed lately. It's intense. It's every day. Right. America is not taking place off. Because it's what, it's two and a bit years into the era of Trump. Have you got any Trump fans in? Really? How? Oh, thank you are in the wrong place.

And I mean, who would have thought it? Here at a live podcast show in a trendy club in Brooklyn? Trump is more of a terrestrial radio fan guy. If this were on AM radio, people would be going wild for him right now. I voted for Trump. Because... 3 million times. Yeah. Rampin' voter fraud.

If you have democracy, you vote as many times as you can. Exactly. Yeah. I love Girl Scout cookies. You eat the whole sleeve. Justify. I don't... Also, I vote for Trump because I'd reached the conclusion by the time you had your election in the late 2016, that it was far, far safer if you elected Trump into the White

House than released him back into the wild. He got real comfortable real quick though. He's really made it his own. Alice, I think your laugh sounds even more evil at a range of 5,000 miles. Does she... Does Alice? Flip the double horizontal burp. That's high tariff maneuver for this early in the gig and this late at night in London.

Oh, this is so cool. Wow. Wow. Did she see us? Or do we just see her like a clinical trial? If anyone else wants to flip a bird to Alice Fries, we'll leave the web cam on at the end of the show. Right, it's time for our top story this week. Top story this week. No sleep till Brex time. But it's one for the Beastie boys. I spent a lot of time doing that this afternoon. So we do have to talk about Brexit. How many British people are here?

Welcome and... Brexit. And... You'll fit right in, Josh. You will fit. That is the depth of my political insights. Oh yeah, you can just add B.R. to shit. I mean, let's do this it is it's all happening

back home in Brexit lands by which I mean absolutely fuck all this happening the prime minister is hiding in a cupboard the literally the opposition is pointing at a bench saying look it's a bench and David Cameron you see up there the former prime, who uncorked this Jara Berm with inaction in competence and in comprehensibility. He is basically just, I don't know quite what he is doing. This is the only satisfactory way out of Brexit for me now, because if we have a second referendum, there's going to be huge social news, and if we go through it, Brexit's going to be huge social news. And the only possible compromise is to get David Cameron and chain him to Big Ben. Like a modern-day Prometheus. As punishment for stealing xenophobia from UKIP

and giving it to the Tories. And to have a crowd of British people just line up everything, not to rip his liver out. We've moved on, we're not that, just a tutter team in a British way. I think I don't get it. Get it out of our system. It's 31 days now, till Brex time.

So are you excited? I mean, who voted in the Brexit referendum? And did any Americans vote? No. We needed you more than ever. There's our special relationship, me, nothing to you. This is Britain. Go ahead, sorry.

I interrupted a woman across the world. The ****ing dude moved. Yeah. No, I was just going to say I am so sick of Brexit just coming round and round and round like a recycled Christmas pudding, which is the worst cake. It's just a sandwich of apricots that wanted to live,

just this terrible bland sultana cushion. You know they invented refined sugar so you don't just have to squash things that taste better on their own. Let's cover it in alcohol and set it on fire. Yes please. Oh now you want me to eat it as well. Let it burn. As I believe the British said on Joan of Ox, not that. LAUGHTER It's very exciting. So amongst the British, who thinks they should be a second referendum? So you want to undermine British democracy?

And who thinks they shouldn't be a second referendum? Yeah, so that is also undermining democracy. There is no way not to undermine democracy has taken an fearful woping in Britain with, but we're still kind of, and we haven't decided yet, we're in this kind of bizarre game of the month. There's no satisfactory way out of this. We're in a kind of game of pin the least shit

of vanable tail, as unincumptantly as possible into the less damaged eyeball of the donkey that appears least likely to shit on our shoes while we're doing it. It's rough, it's also a little, they're like holding a second, possibly only a second referendum, it's so late, it's like asking like should we really break up, just after you moved all your shit out of your ex apartment? Are we doing this? It's like, well, the bed's on the curb, dude. Yeah, we're doing this.

But, Baron Martin, we just thought it just placed up on one day, almost three years ago, and we weren't really sure about it then either. Yeah. We didn't think I'd be able to. I thought Ross and Rachel were annoying. Will they are, will they? So the thing is we don't need, the problem is we don't need it, we really need a second

round. We just need to do the first referendum again. But have the proper question, because they gave us the wrong referendum paper. They gave us, so they missed off the third option that we really needed. Here's what they should have given us. Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the EU or leave the EU, option one, remain, option two, leave,

option three, I have absolutely no f***ing idea. That is way, way, way beyond my sphere of political and economic expertise, obviously. I mean, come the f*** on! How the f*** am I supposed to make a decision on an issue of such unknowable and indeed unmeasurable magnitude, especially when mine inevitably incomplete information about the subject has been further undermined by a campaign of political dissembling, fact-scuing and outright bullshit from all sides driven by shady unaccountable vested interests, haunted by the willy waggle inspector of political opportunism, caked in the fresh vomit of a bile spewing media honestly is this what we thought those world wars for three of them two hot one cold in summary

Brexit is not something that can be objectively judged without allowing both scenarios to play out for a minimum of 50 to 70 years and otherwise equal parallel universes and even then we might be being a bit f***ing hasty. Testifying! In America that option is called Gary Johnson. Gary Johnson also says the composite name for everyone who voted for Brexit. Can either the Western Boris Johnson? Boris, I love a cricket stat, as many of you all know. It's just tangentially relevant.

One of England's finest modern cricketers, Alistair Cook, retired last year. Mae'n gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn gwybod yn g one minute. Is that much? What's soothing for our human souls? So, well, Alice the Cook batted, I worked out for 27 hours, 27 days, 23 hours and 57 minutes in his international career. And to put that in context, that is the amount of time that Boris Johnson spends thinking about himself in the average fortnight. It's amazing he spent so much time thinking about himself and so little time grooming his own hair. LAUGHTER I am not in a position to judge...

LAUGHTER ..dutch him for that. What is going to happen next, according to the Prime Minister, is leave. We are going to leave. And as she keeps saying, leave means leave. LAUGHTER Whadyd yn ymwch, ac yw'n ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymwch, yn ymw means it gives 15 separate definitions of leave, including to allow to remain in its current state, which is if nothing else charmingly ironic. Leave also means to bequeath for use after death, which given the demographic

of the Brexit vote seems entirely appropriate. Here you go, grandchildren, if you need me, I'll be in my grave laughing my tits off. They want 30 of them in a row at some point, anyway, but it also means to give up completely, which is what the government has done. It also means to ignore like unwanted cabbage on a chilled tile's plate. It means to depart from sense and reason I might have made some of these up and I mean to f**k things up completely. Now I have made up some of those but you know I'm a product of my times and I didn't start it. I mean what was the American view of Brexit Josh? I mean how do you see the chaos unfolding? So the American view of Brexit is what? But... Personally, it's just nice to not be the only nation

making colossal mistakes. It's like when you spend five minutes pushing a door and then you see it's a pole door, and then someone else comes by and pushes it, you go, no idiot, that's a pole door, and you feel so good, and you pat yourself on the back so hard. It is truly, it

is wild to me that it's still, they're still like, should we do it? Like if they were talking about pulling out during intercourse for this long, the nation would be full on pregnant. I mean, three puns already, I'm feeling redundant here. I'm feeling... Alice, can you... anything else on Brexit since I left the country the other day? Well, I think that basically the idea of Brexit is that Britain pre-EU is the hot girl you had a crash on in high school and you can't go back to her because time doesn't work like that. Now she's grown up and gotten complicated and you don't really have a crush on her now. If you could travel back in time, you'd realize she wasn't even that great when you were

12. Your memories are a bit blurry. She just had nice hair and seemed mysterious because she didn't talk much. Also, you're a grown-up now and it's kind of creepy that you still have a crush on the idea of someone who's never grown up in your head, you're a grown man who still has a crush on a 12-year-old, and in the Britain you're thinking about, she still thought boy bands and domestic abuse were still totally awesome. Not nice to explain, very nice to explain. Let's move on.

American News now. Josh, your president, your spiritual leader, your guru and your personal inspiration, Donald Trump, is making a peaceful world right now. He's meeting Kim in a new summer. Are you excited about that? I think the fewer people he's talking to at one time, the better. So, as long as he's talking to Kim one on one, he's not tweeting.

He's not watching Fox News. There's only so many bad ideas that he could be both thrusting into the world and being pummeled with himself. So I guess I'm for it. I think anytime he can be in the fewer people in a room with him the better. That's an interesting way of looking at it. Yeah. Alex, how's the, is it much excitement about the summit back in London?

I mean, people are pretty thrilled. Trump's gone out to meet Kim Jong-un to swap hair tips and bitch about why no one really gets them. He tweeted about his relationship with Kim Jong-un and he spoke about it saying it's a very interesting thing to say but I've developed a very very good relationship. We'll see what that means but he's never had a relationship with anyone from this country and hasn't had lots of relationships anywhere. He reiterated that he was in no rush

to press for North Korea's denuclearization. He said, I don't want to rush anyone. I just don't want testing. As long as there's no testing, we're happy. And he said, carrying on, Kim Jong-un said, if we trust him, we definitely don't need to use protection. I feel like Trump has never had an STD test. I do. I feel like he's just like, that's the lady's responsibility.

For sure. That's his stance. He's just had any test. No. Not in school, not in the doctor, not of his own physical strength. Just his dicky little ankle that got him out of Vietnam. So... Well, perhaps the most exciting element of this summit is that Vietnam has deported a Kim Jong un impersonator, or if you were a Kim personator. I will.

Who had stased a chap called Howard X from Hong Kong had staged a fake summit with Russell White, who is a professional Trumpressionist from America. Do you not think this is the way forward for all global politics? Because people vote for these sort of figureheads, but they're generally massive f**ks. And if you replace them with someone who looks like them, so we think like that, they might actually get something. I think this is the future of democracy, to be honest. Is deporting impressionists? Well, let's see we give it a show with Alex Baldwin, see what sticks.

The wall, Josh. Yeah. I mean, I was here back in 2016. There was a lot of talk about Mexico building a wall and paying every penny of it. I mean, I think it's fair to say it hasn't entirely panned out that way. I don't think so. I will say Mexico has paid for all of the wall that's been built. That's one way to look at it right, no wall, no payment. I feel like he's kept his promise. He's winning politics by dividing by zero. Any thoughts on the election next year?

Josh, please. Oh, the 2020 election? Yeah, yeah. I'm honestly kind of looking forward to know. People make a big deal out of how many candidates are now in the Democratic primary, but I'm really looking forward to know Republican primary. That's the upside, right?

It's just gonna be Trump. If Ben Sastras to run against him, he'll just be like, no, and then all the other Republicans will be like, he said, no, it's gotta be no. So there's not gonna be a Republican primary. So at least the spectrum is gonna be like, hey, maybe we help some people get health care to like, let's help everybody get health care.

Whereas when there's a Republican primary, it's like, how many people can I inject with this syringe I found on the street? I'm rich, legally I should be allowed to stab. That's what I call my serene. There's some very exciting New York news. As you may have heard, New York has been forced to return $5.3 million to the government after admitting to fraudulently billing damage charges after Hurricane Sandy, the 2012 celebrity storm that clocked up a $71 billion tab after getting wind crazy all over the East Coast, including a whopping 32 billion after a crazy

night out in New York. Apparently the city falsely claimed that 132 Department of Transportation vehicles were damaged, when in fact they weren Um, many of them had already been taken out of service, but I mean, this is, this is, this is just how economics works. Isn't this just getting creative, Josh? Yeah, just moving numbers. It's also an incredibly, like New Yorkers love to brag about how much they suffer on a daily basis.

So this is the most New York thing imaginable. Just like, Hurricane Sandy, oh yeah, ruined every car. FEMA came, they said it made Katrina look like a Chihuahua pissing in a fight kiss. Greater city in the world. Yeah, New York is the city that never sleeps because it stole a bunch of money and has an uneasy conscience Also, it stole its roommates out of all The US Attorney Jeffrey Berman said when people lie to FEMA about the cause of property damage in order to reap a windfall It compromises our ability to provide financial assistance and then he followed up with I probably probably shouldn't have said, Winful, what a disaster. I mean, sorry. I am devastated by a tornado of regret.

I mean, blow me down, let's wash that from the record. Oh boy, wasn't that just the biggest Freudian property damage in loss of lives? Alice, you are the bugles Donald Trump's sexual harassment history correspondent. Exciting new breaking news. Yes, a star for on Donald Trump's 2016 presidential campaign says he kissed her without her consent. Addigathering of supporters before a Florida rally, Alva Johnson said he grabbed her hand and leaned into Kisar on the lips as he came out of a car, but she turned her head and he kissed on the side of the mouth. The creepy uncle kiss. In the statement White House press secretary Sarah Sanders

dismissed Johnson's allegation as absurd on its face and pointed to a radio interview in May 2017 in which Johnson said positive things about Trump. She said to this Alabama-based radio show, quote, he's just the nicest guy, he treats everyone as if they're part of his family. Wait! No, no, no, no, you're better than that, Joe. No, we, no, no, you're better than that, Joe. No, we're not. Right, let's move on now to Tech News.

In horrifying technology dystopian news now, a small up and coming technology company has been criticized for failing to tell users about a hidden microphone in one of its home security systems. The company, it's called Google, you might have heard of it. They announced a software update that would allow their home security system to respond to voice activation cues and questions via an artificial intelligence system that is neither syringe nor skylet net, but sounds a lot like both. The problem was saying there'd be a software update to the system that would turn the microphone on to listening mode, meant people suddenly realized the hardware already had a microphone in its Google had somehow forgotten to mention. I mean you have to forgive them, they're

a small company, how could they have possibly anticipated the security concerns that would be raised by secretly hiding listening microphones in people's houses during a period of massive uncertainty about privacy regulation and the overreach of unelected yet massively powerful corporate interests who technically make their profits by offering free services in exchange for all your secrets. The poor little tech giant deployed a human spokesman to protest that the failure to mention that included a spike-rephone was quote, an error on our part and that it was never intended to be a secret, which I for one choose to believe because they can tell if I don't. And what possible motive could they have for lying to their customers when their main source of revenue is literally monetising your private information?

It's not really surprising, is it? I mean, you've been more surprised if Google hadn't put a mic. It's like the old parable of the dolphin and the man in the herring outfit. It's just inevitable, isn't it? When is secret microphones ever gone bad, right? When is it ever brought down Richard Nixon's presidency or gone everyone killed by the mob? It's just, there's no happy end to a secret microphone story.

Also, I think that every device is spying on me. Like, I think this microphone has a secret microphone inside. I don't want, there's this old trend of smart appliances. I don't like that at all. I want my appliances dumb as hell. I just want, yeah, I want to open my refrigerator. I don't want it being like, we've glued everything to the perfect temperature, sir. I just want to be like, there's leftover pizza. That's party big dog

There's one beer in the back you forgot about Just like this this fridge is an idiot, but he's my best friend It's not just Google it's been beginning Oh, yes, oh, I have two titles for this one. That you can tell me which one is OK. OK. It's either in leaking ooze news now, or in bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak-bleak--1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1- or when they were trying to become pregnant and a Wall Street Journal investigation found that Facebook can receive information from numerous apps, even if in some cases the user does not have a Facebook account.

Which, yeah, let me tell you, left me feeling bloated and grumpy, classic PMS symptoms. That's short for post-massive sensitive data theft stress, Andy. I'm not talking about my period, that was last week, but you'd know if you asked Facebook. So who was enjoyed? Did you enjoy the Cohen testimony today? I mean, it doesn't completely show your country and it's in its best light. I think Donald Trump's former lawyer, is that a veteran? And the rest of you use him as a lawyer. I'm obviously not getting around a bit.

Currently not riding that high has been said in Trustworthiness Monthly magazine's World Rankings. But still the choice between him and Donald Trump. Well, what I'll say about Donald Trump, there's an old saying saying, is there never trust a man whose eyebrows meet in the middle. Now that doesn't apply to Trump, but there is also another saying, which is never trust a man who obviously fucking lies all the time. Yes indeed, Mr. Cohen made a statement about Trump to a crowded hearing of the House oversight and reform committee and boy am I arms tired. I feel like the risks of being a softhearted weak-minded artist on a lovely lefty podcast

talking to a thoughtful compassionate crowd is that you end up going for a cheap Trump bashing. And the last thing I want to do is preach to the conversion or pander the breadages as of the audience by calling Trump a con man a cheat and a bad father. So it's always nice when his own right hand man does it for me. Yeah, I mean, that was into racist con man cheat. He's basically a one man Hollywood pilot, pop block. And it's not new to be fair that phrase, because that's also what Donald Trump has in his online dating profile. Cohen said, to begin with a statement, including, these words really jumped out at me and

when I'm not just jumped out, they jumped out while ripping open their dressing gown and wagging their jumbled chunks out. He said, I have asked this committee to ensure that my family be protected from presidential threats. This is what you've become America. The idea that the president is quite likely to leave a horse's head in someone's bed. So, yeah, he included copies of letters that he wrote at Trump's direction that threatened his old high school colleges and colleges not to release his grades or sat scores. And I think this is fine.

Does this not show that Trump is in many ways too modest for his own good? Doesn't want to flaunt his absolute power deluge of a grades, distinctions, some as come loud as special prizes being straight up genius. He humbly knows that many of his supporters are not shall we say academic higher achievers like himself and there's nothing wrong with that in his book, his well-studied well-funned book and he just rather not waggle it in people's faces. So, you f***ing cynics. You thought he was, um, can you not take the man at face value? No, well, not if his face is an obvious lie.

An obvious lie. Yeah, Cohen's statement reads like the heartbreaking confession of a man who was strait from an essentially ethical core, admitting that he behaved incredibly badly and saying that the working for mr. Trump was intoxicating which checks out because he does look a bit fermented. Cohen said when you were in his presence, you felt that you were somehow changing the world, which is true. He has changed the world, you know, not in a good way. So this is one of the details I most enjoyed from from Cohen today. which is true, he has changed the world, not in a good way.

So this is one of the details I most enjoyed from coming today, the charity auction for Portrait of himself. I do also this. So he basically paid someone to put in a bid on his behalf for his own Portrait to make sure it was the most expensive thing at the I think he might have self-image issues given that this was an image of himself he paid $60,000 for this portrait using money from his own

basically stolen from his own charitable foundation. Great guy, great guy. And, I mean, who would have thought a guy like that could win an election? I mean, he didn't really win it, but I mean, he got in, he got in, he, Cohen also said, I have lied, but I'm not a liar. Words with which I can sympathize. Also, I have delivered a baby, but I'm not a midwife. The difference with me and Cohen is that I only delivered my own baby once. I did not deliver other people's babies over and over again using threats. So, um, squeeze!

Anything else on Cowan Alice before we move on? My favourite bit was when he said that Trump had said of his own son that Don Jr. had the worst judgement in the world, which is a mean thing to say about your own kid, but seems to have been backed up when Don Jr. retweeted a thing from Garrett M. Graff saying, oh Cohen, this is a man with nothing left with no reason to lie or obfuscate at all. So, you know, that's a reassuring signal that the president really does tell it like it is. Right, I think it is time to end this good. I do have some puns, but I just don't I don't think that's enough of a democratic mandate. Alright, okay. That's not that is how easily things can change.

That is democracy. So, um, who went to, who went to university? So, I'm quite fascinated by the American university system. And so, I've written this big thing about the American university system. And so I'd written this big thing about the American college system. But I wasn't sure how well it would go down. I thought I might split the crowd and that Harvard like it and the other Harvard hate it. No matter how hard I tried even if I put in MIT efforts. Come on, I'm Boston my balls up here trying to get lost.

But some people won't have their leaf now, they won't stand for this. They'll get really brown, browned off, mind if I'm having a fight outside, we'll juke it out. And I don't want that, I wanted to create harmony, not division. I've had to build bridges. Some people drown their sorrows in drink, have a glumbia. Glumbia. At the bar, some will be drinking in a dark corner, all be sitting. Not now, that was really shit.

I wrote these. It was very late. Some might have been worn by their friends who have seen me before. They'll have said, this guy is a book, leave before he gets to the puns. Do you know that my old podcast partner, you see on the screen, his extended family works in beer making. They grow the crops that give it its distinctive flavor. Johns Hopkins still do that. I had one relative in the landed gentry back home, very aristocratic. She married a night of the realm but was terrified of tall plants and any form of wood.

So she banned them from her garden. She became known as the No Tree Darm. No tree, no tree, no tree dame. So I've got that complete, it's f***ing late. Right. Um, it's very tough to write these, I think. No, Andy, it's early. Yeah. I've very tough to write these puns.

I write them all long-hand on paper rather than type, type them. But I like to be able to make changes so I don't use ink and I have to carry my writing implements around in a special vehicle. It's parked outside, in fact. I've got my pencil van here. pencil. Right. You asked for it. I mean this is... You asked for it. Ask for it. And now... Now you're regret it. You missed a great opportunity not to have this happen. So I've got a bit of a rice smile on my face.

Maybe this is more for the guys. It's not really girly humorous. It's more boyz-y. Right, we're done. That's it. Thanks for coming tonight. Thanks for standing up for so long, those you've been saying. Thanks for supporting the show over the years. We've gone independent again, so we've relaunched our voluntary subscription scheme. And, well, hopefully I'll be back with more Bugle shows here next year, but please show your appreciation. On a fantastic Bugle debut, Josh Gumball.

Thank you. You guys, thank you so much. All the way from London, Australia, and Flamingo land, Alice Fraser. I've been Andy Zoltz and thank you very much for coming. I'll see you all again. Thank you.