The Bugle - Sarah Palin- One giant leap backwards for humankind

Episode Date: October 5, 2008

The 47th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Albert Pooholes. He is going to his grave without title intact. That's right. Funny, funny name. And from here, Andy, after this, I have to go to Washington, DC to present a humanitarian award To somebody it gets it gets better. I think I'm standing in for John Stuart Which means there is gonna be a real sense of anti-clot index in that room Especially things I have the same first name so you'll get into I'll get this one of the top into that Oh, you know it from the Daily Show. Oh wow. It's John Oliver. Oh, that is a let down. Also I guess they might be slightly disappointed because of your quite appalling record of human rights

abuse stretching back 30 years. Now do you think I'll bring that up or just skip over it? It's hard to say there's a big elephant in the room and the elephant is dead. So this is the week beginning Monday the 6th of October, which means that 15 years ago tomorrow, I met my wife. It was our first university. Although I didn't break the news that she was going to be my wife immediately, neither was quite aware of it at that time, and also had I kicked off our acquaintance by saying, hello, I'm Andy, nice to meet you, I'm doing the same courses you, I will father your children. Your womb will bear the seed of my lions and you will suckle my air at your womanly bosom. Then had I kicked off

like that, I dare say our relationship might not have worked out quite the way it has. It also means that it is 30 years to the day since Hitler died in Buenos Aires. Is that official yet? As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin this week, a science section, including Gravity, the first 321 years. Also, if God invented physics, how come they never talk about thermodynamics in the Bible? And does science have a role in the age of celebrity? Should it still be taught in schools? It will still work if it's not taught, so why bother? And also in our science knockout competition is the one we've all

been waiting for, quantum mechanics versus molecular biology, only one of them can get through to the next round, as we search for a single universal branch of science to simplify our understanding of the world and its universe. Also in the bin this week a free audio shopping list, cut out and keep downloadable shopping list items, parts 1 and 2, 1, Apple. Two, crumble. Next week we'll be moving into the dairy section. ["The Dairy Section"] Top story this week and the VP debate. I was at the VP debate last night, Andy,

and it was the most anticipated debate of all. Now, why would that be, seniors? The VP debate is historically an utterly meaningless charade? Well, it was largely due to the fact that Fox and other channels described it as a potentially gaff-filled gaff-fest. That was, that was Fox specifically, a gaff-filled gaff-fest, which led to this atmosphere

of people anticipating a mixture of ultimate fighting championship of the Hindenburg. And did it live up to that John? Well, it's hard to say Andy, it depends what you judge these things. I mean, in terms of flagpins, I don't know if you noticed, there was absolutely no contest. It was paling all the way. Hers was bigger than Biden's, a lot shinier than Biden, and quite a lot more flamboyant than Biden's.

If you judge a vice president by their flagpine, and incredibly, some people do here, then it was paling tonight Andy all the way. boy on the of my wife doing some soyng and drilling upstairs. Maybe she was making me a surprise bench. But it later turned out that that was just Sarah Pylin talking. And then I would slowly drift off to what I assumed was the soothing sound of a distant washing machine gently rumbling away. But it later turned out to be Joe Biden talking. And so it continued for the next 90 minutes. Everyone was expecting an absolute car crash from her.

And they low-bore people so much that this morning on CNN one of the supporters said she hit a home run audible comma she talked in complete sentences Wow that home run wall has come in a long way hasn't it you can almost touch it Well, it's quite cunning tactics by Paylin to lower expectations before the debate. I had a look at that interview with Katie Couric when Paylin did look like a malfunctioning robot about to start fizzing. I think one more tricky question, and she could easily have pulled out a tranquilizer gun, shot Couric in the neck, and then dragged her off to a secret lair. But I guess what this debate showed is that, I mean, she did pretty well considering that

top-level politics is a brand new hobby for her. And I've also come to understand how she got her nickname of Barra Cuda in that she knows very little about major political issues and is particularly shaky on foreign policy. Just like the Barra Cuda. Either a particularly awkward moment in the spin-room afterwards Andy Winder, Fred Thompson, the ex-presidential candidate and current actor, said, those who make fun of seropiling should be absolutely ashamed of themselves if indeed they have the capacity for shame and then he and everyone around

him turned and looked at me. I do have the capacity for shame. Certainly it's not lighted off to include any of my behavior surrounding that. What I was fascinated by John was it only took Sarah Pailin 15 seconds of her first answer to talk about sport. Mentioning a kid soccer game saying if you turn to parents, on the touch on a kid soccer game and ask how they feel about the economy, I betcha, quotes, you're gonna hear some fear in that parent's voice. Well no, Governor Paling, you're not gonna hear fear. What you're gonna hear is annoyance.

You're probably gonna hear them say, but out of it, Governor Paling, I'm watching my kid playing football. Knock it long, son, knock it long. What do you mean, how do I feel about the economy? Hey, ref, ref, you blind ref. What, no, yeah, I'm a bit worried about it, but I don't fully understand these.

You're for f**king sake Jimmy, kick the f**k in the air! Man or ball, either will do! Ref! Ref, okay I'll vote for you now, Petal. Please leave me alone. Offside! Ref! That's...

That is what Sarah Palin would hear, Worsey to ask someone on the touch sign of a kid's foot, might it's about the economy. She did use her, and extremely... Let's say irritatingly folksy style and they're using expressions like dog on it and saying at all point are say it ain't so Joe she wasn't just like a folksy candidate she was more like a folksy child in fact I'll only take folks in this like that from a

candidate if they're a candidate from the 1920s at one point she said of oil company CEOs bless their hearts. What heart, Sandy? What heart is she referring to? The all-nates rusty cages in their chest cavities that house long dead canaries. Did she mean those? I'm nauseated even repeating this. Joe Sixpacks and hockeymobbs across the country that they need to say never again to

Wall Street chiefs. So it's no from piling to another economic Holocaust. Oh, what a lovely reference to bring up. There's been all this talk about Sarah Piling being a historic candidate, but it seems like the anti-moon landing. It feels like one small step back for man, a giant leap backwards for mankind. Also, she kept banging on about John McCain being a maverick, which is that necessarily quality that America seeks in its presidents? I think perhaps she'd been watching too many films, perhaps those cop films were their mavericks but they get results. Or perhaps even Tom

Cruz in Top Gun as Maverick, and he really flew on instinct and wasn't really concerned about the mechanical aspect of how the aircraft works, which to me would mark him out as a dodgy president to have, although I would want Kelly McElis as my first lady. But he wasn't really what you call bipartisan. I mean, you think about the atmosphere in that changing room with Iceman. It was either angry or extremely homoerotic

and possibly both. That's kind of like George Bush's relationship with Armadina Jett. It's true. It's true, they George Bush's relationship with Armadino. It's true. It's true, they've both got oil chests. It's also played the I'm not a politician card, pretty hard and pretty often, almost like she had a whole pack of those cards and not many other cards. I don't really understand this desire to have someone like you representing you in politics,

that seems to be her appeal. Because you know when I look at politicians, Sean, I want someone who is completely unlike me. I want someone who is cleverer, better informed, more highly motivated, less prone to be distracted by finding a new sport to watch on television, who doesn't fall asleep on the sofa in the afternoon, who doesn't take Tuesday off the moons off to play football, who knows what he's doing, and who doesn't have a congenital inability to take things seriously. I want someone the polar opposite of me in politics. I want not to be able to relate to them on any level.

She also quoted Joe Biden at one point when he said that we are raping our oceans. And presumably she wanted the oceans to pay for their own rape kit. But let's be fair, Andy, because Biden was not without gaffs himself, that he hasn't been sans gaff for decades. At one point my favourite was he referred to Bosnians as Bosniaks. Now I think they'd rather be called Bosniaks. It sounds a lot more like them. It's like a mixture between a Bosnian and a Maniac. It's actually a proffeter. No, it's Bosniacs.. A South African people living mainly in Bosnian hurts Covenant.

Bosnian Axe? Yeah. I think we've been missing out by calling them Bosnians for so long. That's it. Bosnians are dead to me now. They're all Bosnian Axe. I was quite intrigued by Joe Biden. I've not seen much of him before. What really caught my eye was at about 45 minutes into the baits. A sudden protestation of love for John McKay. Yeah. When he said,

John McKayne has been dead wrong. I love him. And then all of a sudden kind of change and I said, as my mother would say, God, God love him. But he's been dead wrong. And it just seems a little too honest to John. And when it seems, you know, he has kind of

semi-scripted these things, you often feel they're not really speaking from the heart, but that just slipped out. That seemed to me. The closest we got to truth. He nearly pronounced him dead at one, but I want you starting to sense saying, if John McAe were here right now. What? What? Oh God, is she running for president? Oh God! Can you just remind me John, where is Sarah Palin governor of? Alaska, Andy. No, tell me yourself John John. You must know, I mean, come on, there's no need to

ask her. Talk me through how you're feeling about yourself, Andy. Just the kind of instinctive emotions that are flooding through for this warmth emanating from the very core of my comedic being. Are you sure that's a warmth and not a burning? Well, to give more detail on the vice presidential candidates, here now we have a palin and biden profile fat box. Almost up to food. Joe Biden is ferocious when hungry. Last Thursday, on the morning before the first VP debate, Biden was given insufficient grits for breakfast. Half an hour later, the hotel manager was clinging to a window ledge, begging for mercy whilst being battered with a still warm corpse of his pet dog Renzo. Pailin by contrast may portray

herself as a pit bull with lipstick, but in reality she lives on a diet of plankton, tomato ketchup, and tinned maggots, that she eats, and then regurgitates for her waiting children, plank, chug, carburetor, honk, valve, barrow, infernice, differential calculus, stop cock, fang and fap. God, she's just like her. Music! Sarah Paling knows all the words that Captain Beefheart's seminal but largely unlistenable 1969 album Traut Mask replica. In fact, when she was mayor of Wacilla, she made the album a compulsory part of the school curriculum and tried to make the song Orange Clawhammer the new Alaskan National Anthem. Joe Biden by contrasts once sang backing vocals for Debbie Gibson when her regular singer,

Senator Bob Dole, got a sore throat from over-practicing Shake Your Love. Joe Biden wears tiger print pajamas to make himself feel more aggressive and powerful when he wakes up in the morning. The first thing he says every day is, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU And finally, Sarah Palin has had sex with a man. If it's not true, Sue us, lady, is that the kind of woman you want conducting high-level negotiations with male heads of state like Armandina Jad, Shavez, Mugabe, Sarkozy and Kevin Rudd of Australia? Is it America? Those are the facts. Other news now and the bailouts of the A-Ling US economy, John, it's still, they still seem to be umming and arring over whether to pass this bailouts, President Bush. Attempting

to pass off the last drag of his credibility as an almost drinkable shiraz. Do you think with this bailout, Bush is hitting the nail on the head or hitting the nail with his head Before clutching his face and complaining, ow that nail was quite a lot pointier than it looked It's been into because Paulson they try it. They clearly tried to get it through the first time But I panicking everyone's saying if you do not pass this straight away the world is going to explode and then It didn't get passed and then they had that slightly awkward reverse of yeah well you know yeah I mean it's gonna explode eventually but you know you still should have passed it it could have exploded you're lucky it's no

thanks to you the world didn't explode you do get a feeling Bush isn't at his most comfortable on the subjects of large scale economic problems he's not really this fluent best talking about the subject. I mean, maybe that's a bit harsh. Maybe there is an economic genius trapped inside a buffoon of vocabulary. It's not so much that he's out of his depth, which would suggest that he has a depth,

as like a basking shark trying to swim across a hill. I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for him, John. I mean, never has one man looked so ready to embrace the warming armchair of retirement. It's gonna be a rocking chair, I think, and he just cannot wait to look at the brush of Texas and figure out how he's going to clear it. That's his sole retirement plan. So we are still waiting for the final story, Capitalism vs Communism debate that has re-reared

its head in recent weeks. Have to say, though, John, I've long had a suspicion that the entire financial stability of the world has for a long time been based on a curious salad of hypothetical bits of paper made up words, things that don't exist, guesswork, and the fragile confidence of fiscal tricksters. In essence, the whole unappetizing package of world economics isn't intermittently lucrative Montbeifum of witchcraft, only with more cackling, limousines instead of broomsticks, and the tacit approval of the church.

I think it's proven how little anyone knows of economics, because usually you just ignore it because it's incomprehensible and extremely boring. And then I think I've probably read more about economics over the last two weeks, not ever have. And if anything, I understand it less. I don't see how that's true. I still have no idea what a fund manager does

when he gets to his desk in the morning. If anyone's got any clues Even if you're a fund manager, do you actually know what you're doing? If you get any bugle of our fund manager, please write in in one paragraph what what it is you do and We will return that email boy explaining what we do and that's not gonna be easy either email, but it's probably what we do and that's not going to be easy either. British politics news now and David Cameron has really hit the skids politically last year he gave his speech at his party conference with no notes, no prompt, just walking down the stage, talking as if it was the most natural thing in the world. This year he needed a lectern and words written down. the man is clearly losing it he's

described himself as a man with a plan which is quite catchy I guess plan rhymes with man and therefore it sounds pretty damn cool he could easily have got it wrong George Osborne earlier described himself as a man with a plan and that's just not a vote winner these days. Well, not unless you then produce that for them, then showing that you delivered on your promises. I mean, that'll be what a huge moment. That would be. That could have been good, but we all know that Osborne in the kitchen is frankly a lost cause. I think maybe there were some further rhymes that didn't make it into Cameron's final speech.

She could easily come with, I went to eat and I won't be beaten. I'm a Tory with a story, get your coats, I'll win your vote. I'm a leader and a qualified pig breeder. We won rhyming politicians, John. That's all I'm sorry. I think the sad thing is that might actually be true. It's now not the time for a revolution then. Not even out of anger, just out of sheer boredom. No one cares about it, it's been interesting, I've been asking it gigs in Britain, you know, whether people are happy with the British political system, whether they're excited by America, and British people are far more excited about the American election than they are about the British election, which I think is a bit of an indictment both on Britain

and America. That's the way it's not America's problem, Andy. You know, just because they know how to put on a show, they just got more balloons than us. They've got too many balloons. It's not their fault if Britain admires the Rasmus has. But the Tories are still doing a pretty well-gun rounds caught up a little bit.

Although today, some slightly surprising news, he's brought Peter Mandelson back into the government. No, what you're kidding. He's going to join the House of Lords and apparently work as business secretary. So I just want to talk with Gordon Brown and turn the bit of a corner who was basking in a relatively manageable level

of unpopularity. He's recalled one of the most unpopular politicians in British history. Just to explain to American listeners, what's hiring this man Peter Mandelson is like, it's like holding up a fork and saying Manson, his dog, it's like, like holding up a fork and saying, look at my fork, it's pointy. And then slamming that fork into your forehead. And then looking out and saying, ta-da!

Bugal feature section now, heroes or idiots. The world has had its gloom lifted by a number of quite idiotic heroic acts in recent weeks and we will mark them in the bugle this week because it's a quite a good week for giving away prizes to people who don't extraordinary things. The Nobel Peace Prize has been given out later on this week. Despite the Chinese warning the Nobel panel not to give it to a jail dissident, which really is quite a strong recommendation that they should probably give it to him. Does that also knock them off the nominee list? I guess it's kind of like you know a boxer trash talking his opponent before a fight, you know, he's just trying to knock the dissident's confidence. One of the great heroes of recent weeks, John, has been Eve Rossi, Rocketman. Absolutely.

Who flew across the channel on Rocket-powered wings? It's one of mankind's oldest dreams, John, wondering what it would be like to be a bird flying, gliding, swooping, and flapping through the sky. Well, Eve Rossi now knows what it would like to be a Rocket-powered bird. That's right. He wore a wing with four motors across the back of it in his attempt to become the first human jet to fly the channel. The man is a hero, Andy. Mankind has long been obsessed with the rocket boot. He's merely bypassed the rocket boot and moved straight

to the rocket wing. And Mr. Rod, this is my absolutely favourite part of the story, Andy, and why I really do think you're the hero. Mr. Rossi apparently calls himself Fusion Man. As he should. He's not just the hero, he's a superhero. I hope he flew across with his pants outside his trousers. He's a visionary, John. And mark my words.

In three years' time, everyone in the world will be flying around on their own rocket-powered wings. And also, he's the greatest Frenchman since Monsieur Mange too. Do you remember him? He was the guy that could eat literally everything, including at one point an entire chest and a 550 plane. The man ate a plane, Andy. Don't tell me about your new film, Orlando Bloom. That man just ate a plane.

He did eat a plane after misreading some government advice to have five pieces of fruit and vegetable every day. He thought it meant eat a plain. Slightly less impressive than Eve Rossi but heroic nonetheless was Stefan Roussant, who attempted to become the first man to cross the channel on a pedal propelled airship. Now, the fact that he did this after a man had just flown across the channel on f***ing rocket wings. I'm unbelievable that he's still in it. He still did it. Unfortunately the wind changed direction and he had to call it off off of a aircraft. Yeah, because he hasn't got a rocket wings.

It does feel like. It's gonna look to the news that, oh yeah, I could do with a pair of those rocket wings rather than whatever it is I've tried to pedal. I'm as idiot. In many ways he's even more heroic for that, John. And it's good to see that someone is trying to still iron out the flaws in the airship highlighted by the Hindenburg disaster and mark my words in three years time no one will be traveling around in personal pedal powered airships no one not even him future cross-channel efforts include Christopher Rob Shaw who is trying to become the

first man to cross the channel on a lie low while singing Nancy Sonatrasongs Thomas Guest whose attempts to become the first man to cross the channel on a Lilo while singing Nancy Sonatrasongs, Thomas Guest, whose attempts to become the first man to cross the channel on the back of a Labrador, and also Hugo Monier, who is attempting to become the first man to tightrope walk the channel while drinking drum viewing. Now John, next hero or idiot David Blaine, are you going to make the call now? Or if you want to hear some memories as well? Well I've heard you talk about Blaine's work before, so I'm guessing I know which way you're going to go. I do not care for irritating who dig the ending.

He was hanging upside down like a dull bat in Central Park. Did you go and say? No I didn't, even though he's really close to work. I'd seen him before. In fact when I first came over to the show he was doing his stupid thing in the glass bowls like the fish. Like he was underwater his stupid thing in the glass bowls like the fish like he was under water for a long time I did walk past that and I resented seeing him then so I actively avoided him this time But oh wow it's most impressed by was the fact that he was hanging upside down for three days

excluding the parts of those three days that he was not hanging upside down exactly and I thought that really made him appear more in touch with everyday reality, because magicians can't seem so out of touch with reality, even contentious of it, is if they can control it and make it appear other than it really is. And she made you think with Blaine, he's human after all. If you hang him upside down, does he not get a bit of a headache? What? It's just like us, John.

It's just like you and me. What's amazing though is that there's a very good reason for him not hanging upside down for three days because he would die. He would die. Doctors said, well, that will happen. It's not a chance that you will die. And it's amazing people's response that I'm going, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, get back to home.

If you're going to do this, at least die doing it. I expect a tacky little lack of human compassion. Yeah, this is rubbish then, if he's just not going to die. Blaine's next trick is rumours of spending a few months out of the limelight, fed only by food and funded only by residual earnings from his previous books, DVDs and TV appearances, and advances for his next project. The real tragedy is the actually had to do an extra 15 minutes, because they cut to the congressional hearings about the bailout at that time,

and so, uh, they gave him cut in and said, the David Blaine Broadcast will be pushed uh, they even cut in, said, the David Blaine Broadcast will be pushed back. Oh, wow, this is serious. If they keep in playing, hanging around, that really is bad. Another hero, the world's former heaviest man, is to marry his girlfriend after losing almost half of his original body weight. Uh, he's lost 39 stone, John,

uh, out of the 88 that he had in his locker. And he's getting married and what a hero man he has lost the 38 stone 39 stone he's lost that is the equivalent of three and his ultramans or eight John Oliver's for being a lost man. I live in America now Andy that's no longer true. You can get past immigration being that thing. What are you up to? But 88 Stone John, that is too much in anyone's book. You know you weigh too much if a Darts referee could say you'll wait in stones without making it sound like you've screwed up.

So anything above 60, anything above 60 stone is too much. There still be a big man, I think lost 39 stone shows. Wow. Well he's aiming to lose a total of around 70 to get down to below 20 stone. Oh my gosh. And I think he could basically feed the Ethiopia. By dyadic.

He's not quite flappy. He's very flappy. I can't see anyway, which he isn't flappy. Does that concern you? I think it does. I want to just all about it. I think now I can't stop thinking about it. It's going to make fitting his wedding suit quite difficult, isn't floppy. Does that concern you? I think it does. I want to just talk about it. I think now I can't stop thinking about it. It's going to make fitting his wedding suit

quite difficult, isn't it? But he might be one of those flying squirrels that have those kind of wings that come out between their arms and their legs. He might be able to just jump off a tree and just float down because of his flaps. We don't need rocket wings. We just need to get up to 88 stone and then die at hard.

Then die at hard and get some fat flaps. And then you just sail across the channel. So if you have any more idiot heroes please send them into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk And mark your emails, hero or idiot. Spoiler alert! A quick apology now. In last week's bugle we may have inadvertently given away the ending to the chariot race in the classic 1959 Charlton Heston film Ben Hur, also starring Frank Thring as Pontius Pilots, and with music by Mick Bush Roja. If you play last week's edition underwater, you can clearly hear John saying in the background,

yeah, Ben Hur sneaked it, bit of a turn up, I smell something dodgy, wouldn't be surprised if there was some wonky betting panns on that one. So sorry to all I'll listen, as if we've spoiled the film for you, and in case you're wondering what happened to the Romans after the end of the film, well they kept on keeping on with the whole Empire Stick, with diminishing returns for almost 400 years. Still, fun while it lasted. Your emails now, this email comes from Magdalene L from Glen Burnie in Maryland, who writes on the subjects of nudity and the modern podcast, disurs upon Jon's performance in two bugles in the nude, possibly three, he did not state

whether or not he had anything on during the DNC episode, only that he was in bed. Well, I think we can all guess. She continues, we brackets might speak on behalf of other fans, most of which urge me to compose the email brackets, must insist Andy do at least one naked as well. We feel it's only fair and a curious as to what Andy sounds like naked, since he's your Magdalene L. Well, I will do the rest of this podcast. Don't do it. Make it the clothes are coming off. Right, I am now in the nude, I'll just get myself comfortable. Ah, that's better.

What were you wearing? I just wanted to dress up for the bugle, John. I think one of us has to make an effort. There's another email here from Lola, from Las Vegas, who says, dear John and Andy, I was listening to the bugle while driving home from work, dangerous idea I know, and when John, I don't know if that's listening to the bugle, it's just driving home from work, there are a lot of car crashes. And when John said that Peter wrote Ben and Jerry's about switching to human breast milk, I slammed on my brakes, I literally had to stop the car and think about what I heard

for a few moments. After debating whether this called for being sick or not, I realised that I needed to thank God and perhaps stop believing in him again, because it was not Ben and Jerry's that I had during my break, it was in fact Hargan Dars. But I also realised that if Peter continues on his path of trying to make everyone eat and drink breast milk, we will need to start some sort of anti-brest milk uprising and take Peter out of business. Only babies and apparently Andy really drink it anyway. It's good for the complexion. Thanks for continuing nominations for Hotties from History, which will be rounding up next week. Nominations this week include the very central and very dead Empress Theodora of the Byzantine Empire nominated by Neil Ludd.

Adam and Eve nominated by Matt Flick. That is an email which features almost non-stop pornography and ends with yours in Christ, Matt Flick. I could only presume that was a joke. And Marianne Charlotte, Decor de Dharmont, the French Revolutionary Beheading victim. We'll do a full roundup next week to keep your hotties coming into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Oh yeah! Sport this week, there is no sport at all this week because it's been completely overshadowed by

the appointment of Joe Keneer as temporary manager of Newcastle United and he is overshadowed his own appointment with a spectacular tirade of foul mouthfulery which you can access on the Times website and for fans of swearing and fans of life it really is something worth checking out. What did he say? I'll just read you a little excerpt from the start. Joe Keneer says, which one is Simon Bird? He's a football writer for the Daily Mirror.

Bird replies, me, Keneer, you're a ****. What? Which one is Hickman? You're out of order. Absolutely **** out of order. If you do it again, I'm telling you, you can **** off

and go to another crown. I will not come and stand for that **** crap. No **** way. **** You're saying I turned up and they ****ed off. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Well, the first thing I do Andy, I'm going to leave here a John Farner transcript of that. That just goes as your new castle, if you can't do anything else, at least entertain people.

Hero! Great hero, bring swearing back into football, where it belongs. Keep it off the streets, get it into football press conferences. We have a replacement for the Audiocryptic Crosswords this week, the much-lummented Audiocryptic Crossword this week, Bridge. And I'm afraid you've got an awful hand, the Queen and Jack of clubs and bugger-or-else. Recommended bid? No bid.

Next week, your partner's bid won no trump, but you've got nothing to back it up with, and you can't quite remember how a bidding works. You quite fancy one of the players on the other team, but Will Merri and Derek sought out their differences in time for the county trials, and with Julia no longer speaking to Vanessa after she bid three hearts when two hearts would have been the prudent bid. Where does this leave Jasper, whose confidence took a tumble when he dropped his cards on the floor after Merri and Winterson while he was trying to pay the four of diamonds, and with an economic crash looming over the world, not to mention the prospect of the eventual death of our once great

species, is now the time for Pauline to see what backs the things of her novelty playing cards, and Will Roger ever be forgiven for saying the word testicle during Ethel and Felix's tumultuous match with the incredible Sacramento brothers, tune in next week for more! Contra- Bridge! I've had too much time on my hands this week, and finally the Bugle forecasts, and my forecast is that next week the Bugle will be one year old. Oh wow!

What a great day for the history of... that next week the Bugle will be one year old. Oh wow. What a great day for the history of Audienius to take this revision. Of the world, definitely. Yeah, but history of the world, probably one of the great days in the history of the world of Bugles first birthday. Be the same age that Jimmy Hendrix was when he was one. Jesus was also one once, but so too was Jack Garripper,

we think, although we still don't know who you were, so I could be wrong. But reading to that's what you will. So next week we will be looking back on the history of the world's greatest ever audio newspaper for a visual world. And also we'll be giving each other audio birthday presents to commemorate this momentous event. And if you've got any suggested birthday presents for the bugle, do email us the suggestions or presents to the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Or if you have any financial donations to show how much you appreciate the bugle, make your cheques payable to Mr A Zoltzman, that's Z-A-L-T-Z-M-A-N.

That's it for this week, happy Yonka Purjon and... And... Shallon, Andy! Shallon! We'll speak to you again next week Russia Shana Andy not Yonka for the sun couple that you Russia Shana no it's no definitely Yonka for it's Russia Shana I checked it on Wikipedia that's gonna joy am terrible dude everyday's Yonka for me I know more about

two days of the new dude you You've been living in New York. You've been eating delicious more than I have. It just seeps in through the connect. Bye bye! Bye! Thank you.