The Bugle - SCOMO versus ALBO

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

Andy is with Tom Ballard and Nish Kumar to enjoy Aussie elections, the latest on NATO, Wagatha Christie and Ireland's soft/hard border.You can now join The Bugle Wall of Fame...Support us via our website with a regular or one off donationBuy a loved one Bugle Merch Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this show with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarTom BallardAnd produced by Chris Skinner, support his stupid ride here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/somethinelse Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Viewers and welcome to issue 4,230 of the bugle the audio newspaper which has now chronicleed over one-seventieth of this millennium. That is the most we've ever done of a millennium. We hovered around the 0.70th in all previous millennia, so a definite step up. I'm Andy Zoltzmann, it's the 16th of May 2022 here as we record, whereas you, yes, you

stop whatever you're doing and pay attention, especially if you're doing, honestly, sometimes I wish we couldn't hear what new bugles are doing when you listen to the show through the special customer research software we used to know exactly how to picture and choose the marketing company. Anyway, whereas you will be listening on a date between 1 and 365 billion days from now, we have a 1 billion year limitation on this episode, so don't leave it too late if you haven't listened to it. Joining me this week from just up the road in South London, it's Nish Kumar and from just

down a tunnel drilled directly through the Earth's core from South London and out the other side and then about a 1,500 mile swim to Tasmania it's Tom Ballard. Hello both of you are you. Hello Andy. Hello Buglers. Look at us. Yeah how's Tasmania? It is beautiful it's very cold we went on a cruise yesterday I'm filming TV show down here we went on a cruise yesterday and we were surrounded by dolphins and seals and a mother flipping humpback whale and it was absolutely magic Oh awesome. Well, on the boat or in the sea No, they mugged us afterwards. It was around and it was and did you have to take it?

No, you're on the boat. Did you have to take your own harpoons or did they do that? No, you're not the boat. Did you have to take your own harpoons or did they do that before? No, you're not allowed to do that anymore. Tasmania's changed. Hello Andy, hello Tom, hello, Budalus. Can I just clarify Andy, have you opened today's show by implying that people masturbate whilst listening to the vehicle? Absolutely. No, that's the way that you chose to start this day.

No. Are you suggesting people are jacking it to pun runs? Absolutely not, Nish. Absolutely not. No, we have had emails from people suggesting they were engaged in certain activities that might not be necessarily appropriate for discussing on a family show such as this, but no absolutely not absolutely not. That is your filthy mind judging other people by your horrific standards niche. I can only masturbate to this podcast.

They say that the internet is doing weird things to people's sexuality. It's got a real number of mine. Let me tell you. Well, when I orgasm I say hello to the viewers. Oh dear, this show has gone down here. I'm pissed you guys. So fast. Right. Oh, we are recording on the 16th of May, 2020. You know this on your fancy TV show Ballad. The news quiz on Radio 4 is not opening with this.

You haven't played it backwards. We are recording on the 16th of May, 2022. On this day in 1969, the Venera 5, a Soviet space probe, lands on Venus. At the time, it was the most toxic atmosphere encountered by a Russian object, since overtaken by Vladimir Putin's dinner table. On the 17th of May in 1900, the US author L. Frank Baum published the wonderful Wizard of Oz. Interestingly, since that date, there's been a massive increase in extreme weather events, but a decline in the number of people made of tin.

Read into that, what you will, incidentally the L of El Frank Bound stood for Lizard King. And on the 17th of May 1902, the Greek archaeologist Valerius Stoyce, fiddling around with some rusty old crap from a 2000 year old shipwreck, discovered the Antichythera mechanism, now viewed as probably the world's first analogue computer. Now it dates from

before woke icon Jesus Christ, starting to give him the whole B nice to each other stick. The Antichythera mechanism consists of numerous intricate cogs and wheels that could perform computer style functions, it's not entirely clear what it was for, but it's thought to include a free, if basic chariot racing simulator, some hidden cogs and pictures from some seriously NSFW vases, a game in which you had to guess a six letter word in just four ghosts, they were more advanced in those days, and an actual cookie. It's also slightly dented on the surface, thoughts have been left when the owner shouted, why the hell have they changed the operating system? I've only just got used to the last one, f*** it, I'm going back to Papyrus.

As always, a section of this esteemed audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week we have a Should You Resign section. Mars debates around the world on whether when and whether political leaders should resign. We give you a couple of hypothetical scenarios. You have to tell us whether you would or would not resign. You are a cabinet minister and you've been caught accepting campaign money from a mysterious woman by the name of Beatrice Elsie Bubb, although she and system been called B. In exchange for a turnal possession of the souls of all your constituents. Should you resign? Should you not resign? We'll leave that up to you. Or you are head coach of your national team at the World Antispecial Championships. Your team gets surprisingly knocked out in the first

round by Uruguay, and at the press conference afterwards you say, I just didn't see that kind of performance coming. Should you resign? or should you click on to your job? That section is in the bin. I should also point out that every so often Tom Ballard is sipping from a lovely looking glass of red wine because of the Australian time difference. And let me tell you, it's giving the whole air of this episode a classier feel. It's like the bugle meets Frazier.

I mean, it is the Australian time difference. It's also the bugle meets Frazier. I mean, it is the Australian time difference. It's also Monday evening. So I'd also say my alcoholism factors. Oh, I mean, I'm absolutely shit faced. I'm just 11 a.m. I'm just 11 a.m. and I'm a British patriot. Coffee mug filled with vodka. The only British vodka. Thank you very much, Brussels. It's the only way to get through the week these days.

It's British vodka, it's made up of mashed crisps. LAUGHTER MUSIC Top story this week. Australia is about to go to the polls. On the 21st of May, this Saturday, Australia will have its four-nightly general election on the table. Not far off.

Incompan Prime Minister Scott Morrison struggling in the polls after proving highly effective at not being highly effective. This could potentially herald the end of nine years of Liberal Party government. Tom, I don't know where you're running in the polls, but you know, I assume you've got a chance of taking over everyone Australia seems to do it at some point in their lives, but what's bring us up to date with what no doubt has been a thrilling and edifying campaign. It has, it's an electrifying contest Andy I got to say we do have Liberal Party Prime Minister Scott Morrison aka Scomo dub Scomo by the public leader of the Australian Labour

Party Anthony Albanese aka Albo they're facing off Australian politics has come down to Scomo versus Albo we are a nation of cavemen. I don't think we're gonna have elections at Australia anymore. It's just gonna come down to Scomo and Albo wrestling each other to the death in a muddy billabong and whoever wins become the bloody primal of f**king Australia and the background with a wide-broomed core cat made out of racism and coal. Albo, Anthony Abanese, is an aspiring guy. He's got a lot of momentum going on. At the start of 2021, he was involved in a near fatal car crash. He kicked off this election campaign by being unable to name

the unemployment rate, and he then proceeded to demonstrate how in touch he is with ordinary people by contracting the novel coronavirus. So he's going very well. It's been a pain to make it clear to the Murdoch media in Australia that he has not woke. He did a front page cover Murdoch media in Australia that he is not woke. He did a front page cover of a Murdoch paper saying he's not woke. In fact, he's so dedicated to being not woke, insists on giving press conferences and

speeches that send people to sleep. So, that's not a dedication. You got elbowed, then on the other hand, if it's got Morrison, he's a c**t. That's pretty much the summary of the two sides that we have that will be facing it off this Saturday, Eddie. Right. But dance as old as democracy itself. I am fascinated by the idea of you guys starting elections on a Saturday.

That simply would not wash in Britain. People would be processing their Friday night hangovers that segue immediately into their Saturday afternoon drinking sessions. It would be, for a country that already has a low electoral turnout. I think the turnout would be in minus numbers. In Australia it is, it is, it's compulsory isn't it, to do it at least. People would just price Andy, be honest. If they made it compulsory, people would just price the fine into their Friday night drinking. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. Let's have a wet round.

Oh, and the fines. And the fines. Yeah. LAUGHTER One of the biggest issues, of course, in the election is climate policy. Obviously, we don't want to spend too much time on this. Climate crisis, not really generally

considered to be much of a comedy gold mine. Fun fact, gold mines emit nearly an entire ton of CO2 for every ounce of gold they produce. And Australian gold mines are some of the dirtiest in the world. You see what I mean? It's a real boner killer. LAUGHTER That's going to really affect my want tomorrow to this podcast. That's you, you people.

This is a sophisticated newscast. Honestly, Donald will be turning in his grave. What? What happens with the Earth's climate is obviously very important for Australia. There are basically two seasons in this country on fire and underwater. We're copying so many devastating fires and floods these days. Australia is now basically the Bible with more swearing. That's basically the kind of thing to come. Well, yeah, Tom, yes.

I mean, yes, Australia has suffered droughts, floods, fires, crocodiles, coral reefs, calling in sick over and over again, various other Bimic Clean Spide plagues. And, yeah, I mean, not all of them can be directly attributed to you contributing God's holy laws. But how is it? That's, you know, with 0.3% of the world's population, Australia responds, if you include the export of fossil fuels for 3.6% of the world's carbon emissions, it's a emissions reduction target of 26% is half of the US and UK benchmarks and those benchmarks should not be benchmarks given that our benches are also essentially on fire. I mean, how's it going Tom, in finding for example, to help with weaning yourself off carbon, finding for example a 37,000 mile long coastline that might have some tides or winds or shit like

that that could be maybe harnessed if the technology is ever developed to turn such things into and finding, for example, a 37,000 mile-long coastline that might have some tides or winds or shit like that that could be maybe harnessed if the technology is ever developed to turn such things into electricity or maybe 6.5 million square kilometers of unenhabitable land that does pretty much call most of the time apart from lying there being shown on by the sun. I mean, is there any hope? That's right, no?

That's right, no? Those are some good ideas. They haven't come up yet, that you should write a letter or something to skirm more elbow. It's very complicated down here, Andy, because, you know, obviously we're one of those vulnerable countries when it comes to the impacts of climate change.

So obviously on one hand, it's in our interests to solve that problem. On the other hand, we are making shit loads of money by exporting fossil fuels around the world. So, f*** science. You know, these are the two arguments that we have. And, you know, climate scientists may be accurate or whatever, but as far as the Australian ruling class is concerned,

money speaks louder than nerds. LAUGHTER Very, very good. It's pretty happy with that. That's right. That's rightly so, Tom. That's right. So...

I'll masturbate to that as I listen to that. Both major parties are claiming to have the best. For perfect. That was a parry coma song in the 50s, though. LAUGHTER Both major parties are claiming to have the best climate policy this election. They've both bravely committed to making Australia

rich net zero-covered missions by 2050, by which time both Scome and Alba will be in their 80s, I'll be in my 60s, and Bangladesh will be in the sea. But it's not exactly the most believable or inspiring deadline for the deput carbonization. I think it's fair to say that net zero by 2050 isn't informed by science or like political decisions. It's really just us loving around number, right?

Australia actually needs to decarbonize by 2035, but that's not divisible by two, it's not very catchy, so that can piss right off. Also, 2050's got to know on the end as numbers goes, isn't it? So that fits into the Albo Scomo thing. It's 2050. It's something that you can cling to as a nation. It is surprising that people are not more worried about the climate crisis in regards to Australia because there is a thing about a lot of the global south. It's filled and these are not my words with people who look like f***ing me. And as we've learned from history, people who look like me do not make huge amount of waves in the people giving a sh** about it in the global norm.

But there are white people in Australia. Why are there white people in Australia? Let's not open that counter-historical worms. Australia makes up 0.3% of the world's population, but it's responsible for just over 1% of global emissions. Australia has a very small population but contributes a disproportionately high amount to the climate crisis with catastrophic global consequences.

In many ways, it is like cricket in that Australia has a very small population but contributes a disproportionately high percentage to the game with catastrophic global consequences. And it's all very boring. Yes, I agree. You dumb! Why would you do that, Tom?

Why would you do that? Why would you slag off cricket to an Indian and an endisolcimate? That's right. It's not just God you're an abomination in the eyes of the military. Scott Morrison's plans, if they can be called, have been criticized for relying on technologies that not only don't work yet or are as yet unproven or are currently too expensive,

but on technologies that don't even exist yet. So essentially it's policy is to just assume that someone is gonna sort it out. In future, I mean, the history of this, you go back to the diner, so I was assuming someone's to invent an asteroid net. That didn't work out too well. All the states have made throughout history.

And Morrison, obviously a bit of a carbon emissions fan. He nailed his colours firmly to the burning mast when he took a lump of coal into parliament a few years ago. To show his support for the Australian antifussell fuels staying in the ground movement. Now I'm not sure how we'd have shown in support for example the Australian sewage processing industry or Australian pig breeders or brain surgeons but he did show his support for the colony to decide to take an lump of coal. And I guess the option would have been to take an adult representing future generation saying what have you done to my world But a coal was kind of easier to fit in his pocket

He held up the coal and he said this is a coal don't be afraid don't be scared it won't hurt you Which is like well, no not if you just hold it you're Fucking loser the point is if you burn it. Yeah, it's a bit CO2 which cooks the average It's like you can't just hold up like this is a McDonald's El El Macaulberger. Don't worry, it won't hurt you. What if I eat it? Then it will definitely go. Yeah, you're careful. Why am I being arrested?

I was just waving the gun around. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is a bullet, it won't hurt you. Ha ha ha ha. There have been six mass bleaching events on the Great Barrier Reef in the last few years. I mean, that is, that is a catastrophic, I mean, that's the worst mass bleaching event

since the vogue at the turn of the century for frosted tips. I don't recall that vogue, Nish. I had a bleaching joke as well. I said that the Morrison Governments have of a mission destruction of 35% by 2030 is consistent with the world reaching three degrees of warming which would be the great barrier refill become more bleached than an Instagram model Zanus. Yours works too.

I think they both worked, don't you think, Andy? We've covered the alpha and omega of bleaching jokes. It depends what you mean by work, I guess. No election is complete these days, Tom, without an absolutely batshit crazy candidate banging on about gender, who has taken the prize for the most back shit crazy in this state in the Australian election. Oh, it is a crowded field and he's ultimate, but I think the first prize has to go to the former lawyer and Liberal candidate in the Sydney State of Waringa. This is the former seat of one Tony Abbott, who was always very progressive on social issues. The Liberal

Party has identified Captain Dave's former lawyer and advocate for women's sport, she says as their candidate. She says she's passionate about protecting women's sport from the horrific nightmare that is transgender inclusion. Now obviously I am qualified to talk about the story Andy, all regular bugles would know that if there's two things Tom Ballard is an expert in, it's sport and women. So let's power on. Apparently those two things come together sometimes in what's known as women's sport. Have you heard about this Andy? I've never heard about it. But this Dave says she's worried that the whole existence of women's sport is under threat

by including trans women. She's been making her feelings about that subject very, very clear in a series of extremely spicy tweets for quite a few years now. The problem for Catherine Deaves is that those tweets are on Twitter, which is on the internet, which is a thing that people can read, and even though she deleted all of those tweets when she transitioned, we might say, to becoming a liberal candidate.

People have very easily found those tweets and started to ask some basic questions like what the fuck, what the hell, and what the fucking hell is wrong with you. In the deleted tweets, Steve describes trans children as being surgically mutilated and sterilized, said that gay men using surrogacy was a human rights violation

and can purred her fight against trans inclusion to fighting against the Nazis during World War II. Basically, she's our graham linahan without a body of work of beloved situational problems. She's like a JK Rowling who can't write. That's basically her vibe. And, uh, Dave's wrote about how she felt triggered by simply seeing the LGBTQIA plus rainbow flag. She wrote, whenever I see it on social media, I think, what now? What are they demanding now? A disposition they demanding now?

A disposition she shares with satirical comedian Andy Zoltzman, who insists on replying to my emails with phrases like, what do you want now, tummy twinkle toes? And look at Leds, Bella's here, backs against the wall, which doesn't even make sense. That's a said confidential at the top of those emails. That's a sad, confidential at the top of those email. Dave's also once wrote on a website who concerned that the introduction of respectful relationship workshops in schools would lead to young boys coming home and asking their parents to have

their penises removed, which is, you know, some pretty f***ing intense homework. But in response to all the outrage, Dave's has made an apology, so she's made it all good. She said, in my dedication to fighting for the rights of women and girls, my language has on occasion been unacceptable, which I'm sure we can all relate to, you know what, it's like,

yes, you just full of, like, hept up on your passion for social justice, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, you're comparing trans people to Nazis. That's Catherine Deves' problem. She just cares too damn much. What do you guys think about Australia? You guys follow? Is this appearing in your headlines at all? Is the relationship between Scabot Elbow way behind the minds of the people of Britain?

To be honest, no. I mean, we do our absolute level best to ignore pretty much everything in the news, I think, at the moment. So, I mean, we can't even really give that much of a shit about the relationship between our own prime minister and the concept of truth and dignity. So, why we should care about Australian politics?

And I've not, we just don't have the bandwidth, think What does scomo think about waggitha Christie? I have not followed I saw that headline and I refused to encourage it What is the leg of the Christie I don't know what it is. Oh, it's one of the great stories of intrigue of our time It evolves two people who are married to famous footballers and a potential information leaking. Basically, it's our generations' watergate. Yeah, but more so, I think. And our generations' watergate is the various scandals

our prime minister has embroiled in. But it's what we have allowed our generations' watergate to be effectively. fact,ively. For those of you who are familiar with the Wagatha Christie trial, I can bring you up today. It's a trial involving the wives of two prominent English footballers, probably the biggest legal who are involving the spouses of leading sportsmen since Douglas Jardine's misses, and Don Brabman's wife ended up in court over a disagreement about who started trying to explain bodyline,

bowling with the last remaining professional, the T-Innsville and the 1932-33 Adelaide Test match. That was also known as the Wathakone and Doyle trial. The Waggitha Christie began when Kaleen Rooney, wife of Footballer Wayne planted, fake stories on her Instagram feed to try to catch whoever was leaking stories from her feed to the Sun, suddenly self-proclaimed newspaper. As it turned out, what happened was she stumbled on a global conspiracy involving covert Russian operatives flooding the British news media with an unending diet of stories about celebrities to distract the nation from the fact that the ill-gotten gains of dubious Russian

kleptocrats were being baked into the heart of British society in politics, eating work at the fabric of our body politic from within. So that's essentially what happened. I've heard the whole story yet. Sometimes this show is like a f***ing Adam Curtis documentary. NATO news now and Finland and Sweden are applying to join NATO, or as it's also known club 1949 which currently has 30 member nations two more would be wonderful for NATO it would make the internal competitions so much easier having 32 you go straight into a five-round knockout or eight clips of four whereas 30 at the moment it's a very logistical moment I just hope it has gone a safe. This man can see a sports tournament in literally anything. He walks into the room. I think he'd be much better if War was organized

as a sports tournament, but in the series of round robbers. At least we'd know where everything was going. We had a good plan. Well, John and I used to do a sketch, a very amusing sketch, which we drew the quarterfinals for the years wars. Many years ago, it might have got out in a previous sub-bugal, but might have been digging out from somewhere. So, reference to Russia? I've seen this. It was, so we drew the ball, like in the FA Cup draw we have here, so you draw balls out in each country as a number. If I can remember, remember off the top of my head. The first one was number five, Russia, always strong at home. That will do. Number one, the United States of America.

That's the one the fans have wanted to see for years. Next out, number three, Great Britain, without a significant win in a while. And probably from the sixth. India. Well, that could be closer than last time. Number seven. The Democratic Republic of Congo will play number seven. The Democratic Republic of Congo.

Another local derby between these two old rivals. Let's just hope more people tuned in to watch it this time round. That was the line that made it super quickly valid. And finally, number eight. Hallestine, we'll play number two, Israel. And number one, the United States of America. That concludes the quarter final draw.

For this year's wars, there's been a power I can tell it was about 2004, we first did that sketch. I mean, that last line continues to be bleakly topical, especially in a week where the IDF proved that they really continue to put the IDF into the phrase IDGAF. And the thing they don't even think about is basic decency or human rights. Putin has warned his Finnish counterpart that joining NATO and abandoning Finland's

neutral status would be, quotes, a mistake. And if there's one man in the world right now who knows about making mistakes, the early front runner for the millennium of Vladimir Putin. And it's looking all set to be another very hotly contested title that one with some impressive entries already sent in. Both countries are set to abandon decades of non-alignment in response to Russia's so-called special military operation in Ukraine. That's why I'm not wildly special,

unless by special you mean remorselously brutal, yet incompetent to an almost slapstick degree. So, and it's an operation in the same way that you give yourself an operation when dealing with an itchy elbow by revving up your chainsaw, charging onto a crowded train, chainsawing both your own arms off and shouting, I'm going to get you to the confused passengers. Russia has not taken this this well, it's threatened retaliation. Initiatives are Nordic military correspondent. Where does this leave? You look at me, you think two words, you think Scandinavian military. So look at this point, Vladimir Putin in a phone call with the Finnish president,

Sally Nidsto, said that it was an example of a pronunciation I've almost certainly butchered. But all I would say is that is revenge on white people for generations of calling me Nish. Okay. Nish. You go for fish and chips, not fish and chips. But I think John Conroy called you nice, once it was a man in the cup of a group.

He's warned the fins in a phone call that joining NATO would be a mistake. He said the Russian leader had stressed that the end of the traditional policy of military neutrality would be a mistake since there is no threat to Finland's security. Now, at this point, Vladimir Putin is simply the wolf who cried boy. He has absolutely no grounds on which to make a case that he is not a threat to anyone's national security at this point. And I mean, he sought inadvertently strengthening NATO by his policy of invading

everyone who I feel like invading. One of the most disturbing elements of all of this, not directly related to the conflict itself, is I was aware that Santa Marin, who is the Prime Minister of Finland, was a young politician. I did not know how jargly young she was. She is three months younger than me. She's 36 years old. She is three months younger than me and she is currently embroiled in a geopolitical situation, born out of Vladimir Putin's Botox-driven insanity. For context, two days ago I slept through my alarm, which was set for 11 a.m. and only woke up at midday because I farted myself or wake. We're just, we're two people who were born in 1985 that are dealing with very different

problems. San Mariner, like literally our year of birth is, I would say, the only thing the two of us have in common. Well, maybe if you stop telling that story during the Finnish elections, Nish, you might have failed a little bit better. You know? To be fair to Finland and Sweden though, you can see why they wanted to go with NATO because applying to join the Russian Federation in the Netherlands, not like to attract, if it is.

And the way they go about trying to sign new members seems a little too far on the aggressive end of the marketing and recruitment at C-Saw. Also NATO has a special promotion at the moment, if you join you get a free cuddly nuclear warhead toy, did really deterrent. You get an 800 mile length of do-not-cross tape, and you get a free prayer from the political or religious leader of your choice in the events of a Russian invasion, which has proved so effective in Ukraine. And this Britain signed mutual security packs with the two countries, meaning that I think if a stag do gets out of control in

Gibraltar, the Finno-Swedic Special Forces have to deal with. And also, if, as it seems just a matter of time, the woke army ever launches a ground invasion of the UK to back up its cultural occupation of Islam. All daily mail-ins, telegraph columnists and readers will be offered sanctuary in a special boat in the middle of a Finnish lake. So, I mean, it's quite a momentous moment for this country as well. I know, it's going to be a cruel awakening when the people who have left Britain because they think it's quotes too woke, end up in Scandinavia, and see some of their policies

in regards to things like, you know, paid leave for my working mothers. It's going to absolutely blow their fucking eyes. It's one of the stumbling blocks to Sweden and Adfordland joining NATO is Turkey and President Erdogan who I think is pretty, we're pretty comfortable in saying is a total as accused by the countries of harboring terrorist organizations that he has almost certainly made up in his head and this is sort of fundamentally the problem with NATO is that they didn't

institute early enough a no-f**k's policy. And at the very least they should have moved away from their one-f**k one vote policy. Because now we're in a situation where NATO is no offense, full of f**k's. And the f**k's now have a vote. And unfortunately the f**ks are going to vote, the way f**ks are going to vote, the way **** are going to vote, like ****. That's very alcohol, you put this. But if only the finished leaders could express these things in as sophisticated languages you do, was alumni of 1985, then the world would be a calmer place.

Boris Johnson has said that he cannot see any way back for Putin in terms of renormalising relations with the international community. And I can see his point. I mean, certainly I have to buy a good four or five Premier League teams, he's absolutely absolutely, absolutely grandmother of all golf tournaments. And Johnson said it an interview on the LBC Radio, repentance is going to be very difficult for Vladimir Putin now. And this is why Johnson is the ideal leader for these times. Because when even he is in a position to morally grandstand to someone,

to talk about the difficulty of repentance and the moral depth to which you've sunk, those words have fucking meaning. Yeah, Putin is gonna make some serious donations to the Conservative party, I think, to get back into good folks. Oh, he, listen, he is one fat, election donation away from being a member of the British landed genitive.

Like, Johnson talks a good game. Johnson talks a very, very good game, but if we're honest, at the 2024 election, if Putin makes a substantial sub, we will be looking at Lord Putin and Brexit Shire in the House of Lords in 2025. I was going to make jokes about like, oh, who cares if Finland joins you or whatever, like, you know, I'm sure the Finnish military is like dumb and small and crappy and shitty. I looked it up, thanks to conscription, they have more citizens who are fit for military service than Australia does, okay?

So whatever happens, Finland, we love you guys, we enjoy salmon, we think your Eurovision entries are hilarious, please don't hurt us. Kitasch, as you said. But there have actually been some calls from right wing figures and crazy war-mongering nationalists in Australia, saying that Australia should join NATO, which would really revolutionize our entire understanding

of the concept of the North Atlantic. If Australia joins NATO, the North Atlantic could be stretched all the way to the South Pacific and that could be a serious game changer. But let me tell you Andy, if Putin and his cronies want to intimidate Australia by threatening to a massive troops on the Russian Australian border, I say bring it on you bastard. Well, I'm NATO, that's going to fit right into the Australian. NATO! right into the Australian... No, no! ...Traditional world treatment.

... Unstoppable shitstorm that is the aftermath of Brexit update now, and Britain is on the point of consolidating its position as least trustworthy former member of the European Union by unilaterally shredding the Northern Ireland protocol that deal we willingly signed in 2019. Now admittedly, there aren't that many former members of the European Union. In fact, I think Britain is the only one.

But the point is, we are setting a mark that is going to be very hard for anyone to match. So why is this happening? A few reasons. One, because we hadn't bothered to think it through first, and now we can't be asked to try and make this complicated piece of legislation work. Two, because the government needs to argue with Europe about something, because it has to distract from its own unquenchable vassuvius of incompetence and moral shititude.

And three, because we're f***ing Britain, and we're going to do what the f*** we want. Read the history books, losers. We always do the right thing, not those history books, over the history books, on our approved list, please. Nish, the Northern Ireland situation is... Just read the one that says W.W.2, just read that one. Nish, the Northern Ireland situation is extremely complicated,

so I'm turning to you now to explain it with your traditional delicacy. LAUGHTER Listen, Addy, there's been, there's been, there's been a, frankly, anti-Hindu discriminatory amount of beef in the island of Ireland. It's a, it is a spicy situation and it was a spicy situation that in the kind of mid 1990s, a process began to de-spicify the situation. And it was sort of worked through, a string of very complicated compromises that culminated in the Good Friday Agreement, which established a kind of invisible border between Northern

Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, was work through with a huge amount of compromise on both parts and a huge amount of work from the then British and a little bit contribution from the American administrations. Basically, a huge amount of work went into it. What happened to that work? Well, let me tell you, Boris Johnson undid his flies dropped his trousers and pants and took a hugeing dump all over it. And why did he do that? Why does Boris Johnson do anything for his own professional gratification? So the situation is that the government is considering, or quite openly considering, reneging on the Northern Ireland protocol. Boris Johnson is considering going back on that deal, a deal which was signed by one B Johnson.

That's what he signed it to be. Do you have his fingers behind his back when he signed it? Yes, yes. And one of his feet off the ground. Several conservatives, MPs have now claimed that he signed that under duress. And you go, it's not a fucking confession extracted by torture, you fucking idiots.

The only thing he was being held ransom by was by his own fucking political party. So he is now sided with, so Sinn Fein, the political party won the majority of seats in the most recent bout of elections in Northern Ireland. Boris Johnson has now siding with the Democratic Unionist Party, the DUP, who are a pack of, I mean, how to put this delicately, there are a pack of flattery than which burners. And the Northern Ireland Protocol established an invisible border in the Irish Sea for checks on goods. Now that seemed to be a compromise that was acceptable for everybody at the time. If you're wondering why has Eddie of this

happened? Why has Boris Johnson signed a deal that he is now going back on? He is what you have to understand about Johnson the man. His attitude to Brexit is a lot like his attitude to having children. He had almost no interest in the end product, but he's very interested in the process. He was very interested with Brexit and with f**king, he is very interested in getting it done. He is less interested in what happens with the consequences of getting it done. So now we're in a situation where in order for him to proclaim Independence Day in 2020, he had to sign a bunch of agreements that he wasn't necessarily himself, particularly interested in signing up to. But he really wanted to be able to say that Brexit was done, because

that was basically his entire election manifesto. It was just get Brexit done, scrolled in shit, and then in brackets some stuff about shipping refugees after Rwanda. So he really was the only thing that he had set his stall out around doing. But now unfortunately, we're into the detail section and the geopolitical equivalent of a woman turning up at his doorstep with a baby with a suspiciously blonde mop of hair is happening and he is saying the kid ain't mine. The Irish Foreign Minister Simon Coveney warns that a unilateral move to change the protocol would call into question the entire trade deal, UK's trade deal with the European Union, and he said,

what we can't do is accept that the British government would act unilaterally, that they would pass legislation to effectively breach international law, because this will cause an awful lot more problems than it will solve. Well, I would say to you Coveney, wake up, because causing more problems than it will solve. Well, I would say to you, Coveney, wake up because causing more problems than it solves is exactly what all 17.4 million relevant people in the UK voted for. The sooner everyone accepts that and gets on board with maximising problems instead of woking trying to solve them, the sooner we can all move together as a continent in the same direction backwards. The D. B's Jeffrey John.

Remember the slogan Brexit means problems. The D. B's Jeffery Donaldson said, words don't cut it for me. I need action. I want Johnson's words translated into clear action. Personally, I think the first thing to do would be to translate Boris Johnson's words into what he actually means and then decide whether or not you actually want them put into action. I guess then we can do nothing but echo the thoughts of my support act, the wonderful comedian Tessa Coates, who is a cartoonishly English woman, who opening for me in my torches in Belfast and Dublin last week simply started by saying hello I'm very very sorry

I think the result are in colonialism Well that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Chris, before we go, we have long been talking about, well I'll say long, about the last couple of weeks, rejigging the voluntary subscription scheme with new rewards for our premium level voluntary subscribers, including launching the Bugle Hall of Fame, or Wall of Fame even. Could you just explain to our listeners exactly what this will involve? It's quite simple. This show does not contain any adverts, not once in this program have you given a hostry for a petrochemical company or an arm's dealer or Tom's brand of red wine merchant and and we won't do it now.

I'm poorly done as many as I've tried today. And the reason we don't do it. Chevron delicious. Because we are funded by voluntary donations but we try to do it with a little bit extra. So we have been doing at some enormous personal cost to you Andy over the last few years. An offering of lies made up about every single one of those premium donors.

And we've got through the full first batch. So on top of the ability to get merch and just generally donate to the show for an amount per month that you would see fit. You can now donate to the show and join our official wall of fame, which may possibly involve Andy having to write a full book every week of lies about you, but will still give you enormous prestige, honor and status and some merch. So you're either a good bugler or you're a ****. Could we get that made up into a t-shirt?

So you give money and some other way get lies about you. It's the British political system. So if you have subscribed, was the lie offer, was still in place. We will get round to your lies over the next few weeks or so. You'll be rolled onto the wall of fame as well. So if you've already had your lie, you're about to get into the wall of fame too. Yes. So that the wall of fame will shortly be tagged onto the end of Bugal episodesle episodes and thanks for all your support to keep the show free flourishing and independent

If there are a few tickets left from my shows at Soho Theatre this week Well Monday Tuesday probably too late for by the time you listen to this Friday and Saturday Tom anything to plug British folks my team a little voice on Radio four in the in the coming months. I've got a half hour special coming up pretty soon. I'll be tweeting more about it close to the date, but I think it's a June that it's going out.

I'm recording it in May here in Australia. But yeah, keep it here for that, please. That'd be great. Nish. New York Buglers, I arrive hopefully on Wednesday Wednesday and I will be doing shows on the 19th, 20th, 21st and 23rd of May at the Soho Playhouse and tickets are surprisingly sparse so a few book now. Bit of a surprise. Bit of a surprise for us, frankly. I was in the words of my mother, who are these people? They think they're looking for a mesh, as I was saying.

We shouldn't have built it under his name. Chris. And Andy, I am going to cycle 500 kilometers in four days, up 5,000 meters worth of mountains. It's coming weekend for musical therapy charity Nordolf Robbins to make people's life better. Bueglis, can instead of donating to the Buegl, donate to me instead of doing the show dates. So, well, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, love with that. That's, that's not the Tour de France, it's not the... It's faster.

Right, all right. Anyway, pissing the test you with the end of it, and if it comes back clean, you'll get your money. I'm not sending you my piss anymore. That's why we sacked on. You'll get them the money if the piss is clean. What iteration of the Tour de France would you have watched? That's why we sacked on. Anyway. Wait, you'll give him the money if the piss is clean. What iteration of the Tour de France of New York?

Why do you think the f***ing jersey is yellow? Right, I think the show must end now. Goodbye, Bueglis. I feel fascinating, everybody. Hope you have a great big way, everybody. Peace out.