The Bugle - Sex and Insects news – Bugle 4097

Episode Date: February 16, 2019

Andy and Alice are joined by Bugle debutant Desiree Burch to discuss the biggest issues this week – including insects, 'blackface' sweaters and sex. Loads of sex.Plus, what happens when you put a cow on a plane?With@HelloBuglersAlice FraserDesiree Burch@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, all of you glurs! And welcome to issue 4,097 of the world's premier source of truth, the bugle, for the week beginning Monday, the 18th of February 2019 with me and the Zoltzman rising like a Phoenix

from its regular snooze on the sofa, not a particularly fiery Phoenix. We are here in London, where as we speak to Rizza Mayer's drafting her latest Brexit negotiations plan. Well she's photocopying it on the Downing Street photocopying which still bears the discernible but unmistakable imprint of David Cameron's ass of course. She was planned a written on then crossed out plan B written on it. B the crossed out C written in C crossed out D. I you get you get the point but this time she's writing a smiley face in the top corner, hit my work.

Joining me to hold up the telescope of satire to the obviously empty eye socket of news and ask it what I can see. Back again all the way from last week and the week before, many weeks before that, Alice Fraser. Hello Andy, hello Bueglis, yes I have returned, I am mighty and strong and otherwise lacking sleep.

Mighty strong and lacking sleep. Yeah, I did a Valentine's Day gig last night to a crowd of people who were either in relationships or going on like first or second dates. And then I went home and had an existential crisis in my life. Well, a Valentine's Day comedy gig induced existential crisis. Yeah, indeed. The bus kind of existential crisis, I think. Yeah, I mean, I like Valentine's Day. I just don't trust commercialism and that's a complex web.

Right. And joining us for the first time on Beagle debut from America now living in Britain to see what a very slightly less politically idiotic country looks like. Just slightly. Huge, bugle welcome to Deseret Birch. Hey, Andy, hey, Alice, hey, bugleers. Excited to be here, not going on. I mean, everything's going on in the world, and I'm just trying to keep it real real quiet.

Right. It's been found. Totally, everyone in the world took that attitude. Everyone kept it real real quick. Hey, no, you have an opinion? Why don't you zip it? You know that? I think that would work if every, but it has to be absolutely everyone signing up to that.

If all 7.4 billion people on this planet agree to that. I would say that you need to do it in shifts because absolutely silence is incredibly daunting. I've lived in cities for too long and so when it's quiet I think I'm going to get ax murdered. But you know, I need to hear some distant. Like half the world needs to be partying in the distance of something of a car backfires. I'm like, that's great.

I feel good. Yeah, I feel like the whole political landscape at the moment is not being as jazz as it should be. They're listening to the noise, not listening to the silence. Oh, right. Most sensible people keep the f***ing mouth shut. Yeah. We are recording on Friday the 15th of February. In fact, it's annual World

15th February day or 15th day, it's not in the USA. It's the 16th day. The world celebrates. The fact that it is the 15th February and raises awareness of 15th February as a date using slogan such as, is the 15th of February. Sorry, I'm just hearing this year's 15th of February day celebrations have been postponed and they will instead be held in 365 days time. On this day in 1493 Christopher Columbus wrote an open letter describing his discoveries on his first trip and the unexpected items that he'd come across in the new world. I have an excerpts from it here. Yeah, I was alright, I suppose. Food was a bit crap and loads of my sailors died

four out of ten. On this day in 2003, protests against the impending Iraq war took place in 600 cities worldwide involving an estimated up to around 30 million people or according to police estimates at the time eight It was the largest peace demonstration in history according to no lesser source than the internet Tony Blair Then Prime Minister of Britain's response was well, I'll ask God But I don't think it gives a shit about you protesters and I'm his special friend George W. Bush said well I've already asked God and he said it's fine In fact, he even said we don't have to do any planning for the aftermath, it'll take care of itself. God replied, I'm currently away from my desk until 25th of December 3000. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin, two sections this week, including a weather forecasting

section, we're giving away a free ice bar and some temperatures, including 23 degrees Celsius and 44 Fahrenheit. Also in the bin, a special commemorative animal ground breakers section. On the 18th of February, 1930, Elmpharm Olly became the first cow to fly in an aeroplane. Not only the first cow ever to fly in an aeroplane, but the first cow ever to be milked in an aeroplane.

One is gonna take an eight hour journey. It's just gonna be like fall and engorge. Of course you had to be milked in an arrow. One is going to take an eight-hour journey. It's just going to be like full and engorged. Of course, you had to be milked. Does that mean there was a baby cow just crying and making everyone cry? And a bunch of other cows rolling their eyes. Yeah, the cow handing out little sympathy packs to everyone around. I'm sorry, I have a child. Well, in fact, it was a man called Ellsworth W. Bunts who milked on it.

Becoming unsurprisingly, the first man to milk a cow in an airplane. And probably was assigned scientific research to allow scientists to observe the effect of air travel on animals. Of course, at that time, it was still believed that cows might one day jump over the moon. It was proved wrong. So they turned to making a space rocket jump over the moon with more success. She produced 48 points of milk during the flight. She's pretty good for a first ever effort.

Guessing that has to do with the air pressure, you know? It's like the blood pools in your feet. The milk is just making her never, never been gorge, you know, like that makes sense. She's diving through. She's just flew back to Australia with his wife. I'll have to ask. To give some context, they do have a small baby.

Yes, they do. Let's keep it in for later. Oh, every morning I wake up to just videos of her doing incredible things. And the brothers wife or the baby? The baby. I mean, the baby is the incredible thing that my brothers wife did. My favourite too is her and a bath, her eating an umbrella and her eating a table. Her eating an umbrella?

I'll show you afterwards. Which bit of the umbrella? The Handle. The Handle. That's a great British tradition actually. No, no. The famous 1882 cricket match between England and Australia. Australia won by seven runs.

Some were apparently eight through the handle of their umbrella because it was so tense. So obviously your little niece is a hardcore fan of 19th century cricket. I mean this is why people need to come to the Bugle Tour in America because they need to see the look of like gleeful anticipation on your face before you deliver a ridiculous fact. I only have about three facts. And they're huge. Anyway, back to Olly the cow. Apparently her milk from this, I think the 48 points of milk were sealed in paper cartons and then parachuted on the spectators below. That is real entertainment.

These people couldn't wait to get the milk until the plane landed. They needed it immediately. We heard there was debris. It didn't sadly prove to be quite the breakthrough in airborne cow's bloatation at many other hopes. And in fact, fewer cows are now milking aeroplanes per cow and per plane than in 1930. It's like the moon landing's all over again, in fact. So to commemorate Elmpharm Olley's historic achievement

of being the first cow in in an aeroplane, there's a special animal ground breaker section going in the bin In which we look at Ferny the first crocodile to play for an NBA franchise Mm-hmm. A bit of a mix up which led to the 6'11 inch crow at Zdravko's black clapped of it spending 18 months of Florida Wild Life Sanctuary refusing to go swimming Claibor the first chicken to win a Grammy for its 1989 hit Cluck the Polis Delis the first pig to turn itself kosher by learning the Torah off by heart. And Arthur the Dolphin, the first cetacean to play international sport played one match

for England's cricket team in 1921. Didn't go too well. And England's plea to let Arthur the Dolphin have a tank of water to just flush about in between balls was rejected. Anyway, that section in the bin I need to lie down. You need less time, not more time, I'm realizing. Top story this week, Insects are getting. Insects are dying out, there's's gonna be no insects left very soon indeed, unless we do something about it, which is looking pretty unlikely based

on the entirety of human precedent with regard to the environment. More than 40% of insect species are in serious decline and a third are endangered. And if one of those 40% are not wasps, I'm gonna be fucking cropped. Oh, they're good day young, come on. Yes, indeed.

The first global review of insect decline has come out with the mildly worrying news that most insects on Earth are heading for extinction, which if unchecked will lead directly to a quote, catastrophic collapse of nature's ecosystems, which sounds bad. Super bad. Why is it so, like, clearly all of these sort of signs

of the apocalypse are happening. And I just feel like there are still deniers out there that are like, God, give us a sign if something's wrong. And it's like, okay, half the bees are dead. But give us a sign. It's like, I had five of the warmest summers on record. But give us a sign. They are polar bears.

I lost the bees of dead. I lost the young people's houses and knocking on toilets because there's no more ice from them to be on in Russia like what more signed you know half the bees are dead is the opposite of a plague of locusts that's a good sign yeah it's the inverse plague it's the researchers said the repercussions this will have for the planets ecosystems are catastrophic to say the least catastrophic to say the least. Catastrophic to say the least Andy. Catastrophic is not usually the leastish sort of thing you can say. What is the top of that scale? I mean, if catastrophic is the middle one. The scale of the loss of these tiny creatures that are the backbone,

the backbone free backbone of our entire ecology is hard to quantify. Well, and while many people are worried about, for example, the plight of the bees, they don't see the point of worrying about the loss of some of the less photogenic scuttlers. Like, for example, not many people are worried about the massive drop in more than 350,000 species of beetle. Nobody cares about the loss of dumb beetles until they're all gone, and there's nobody left to push the sun across the sky anymore. Well, the planet is viewed by scientists to be at the start of its sixth mass extension

event. This one could be an absolute classic. It would be the first one that's been televised live, of course. So it should go down well globally, even if the animals being extinct if I don't just funky as the dinosaurs. And the report says, unless we change our ways of producing food, insects as a whole will go down the path of extinction in a few decades. What I want to know is, why is it always us that has to change our way

of producing food? What, never the insects? Well, some of the insects are adapting, but the insects that are least popular things like cockroaches seem to be adapting relatively well to these new terrifying events. It's pretty much like, it much like just like humans and things that are the least popular and the most adaptable and survive the longest, right? In Puerto Rico, ground insects have declined by 98% in 35 years. Stop grinding them then. And also like let's maybe unflood Puerto Rico's in the ground insects won't be bad. Butterflies in England have had a really, really shit time.

I have one, why not Moth? What can we not focus that? I hate Moths. Butterflies, I have no beef, although obviously as a Jew, I can't eat butterflies with any kind of meat flied. See, the number of honeybee colonies in the US has come down from 6 million to 3.5 million since 1947. I'm not sure if that's because of the Mexicans, the Guatemalan, the Muslims or immigrants in general, but it must be one of those rules. And fast action is needed now, apparently. So maybe not the best time for a prominent European nation, which shall remain nameless to spend

three years disappearing violently up its own hearts in an effort to respect the formal will of the people who are around in 2016. Well, some of us are doing our parts. I buy easy pealers every week, I eat one, I let the rest of them rot, there's so many fruit flies. I don't know what more I could be doing to help this. You are a hero. Thank you. We don't all wear cakes, I'm just saying. I could be doing to help this. You are a hero. Thank you. Thank you. We don't all wear cakes, I'm just saying.

Hahaha. Um, so the, the decline in the sex being blamed on various things, including increased use of aggressive pesticides, urbanization, climate change, and the increased use of rolled up newspapers over the past 300 years, although now with more and more people reading their newspapers on their tablets, that actually might be good for insects. Yeah. And good for Apple. Probably for smashing insects and eye beds with them. Although more and more tablets are being broken, swatting insects. Alice, watch your solution to this insect crisis. Stop eating insects. Stop. Start eating insects.

Start it. Start. Yeah. I don't know. Show those birds in Felt like I don't know why you would ask me about the solution to this Fr. I'm not an insect. We got a global catastrophe. So Alice, what's plan? What's yeah, come on, we're waiting. I mean, look after your insects people by organic food. Yeah, I mean in a serious way. Yeah, by organic food. Why not? But that is kind of the solution, because a lot of it is pesticides, right? So it's like by organic stuff. And also, I would say make grocery stores less miserable,

because the problem is you buy the cheaper non-organic stuff because you don't want to be in there because I was in a Tesco Express two weeks ago, and it was being robbed at the front while I was at the back. And I was like, I don't want to hang out here. You can't have to make it like a lady's lounge at like a toilet at like a fancy place where it smells really nice and they're like lounge chairs and then every so one's like, oh, here's a bowl of something you might want and then in the corner there's someone that you inevitably have to pay. Like that's what you should make the grocery store like so you go

more frequently. I think we need to take take a hint from our soon-to-be extinct insect buddies and mass together and swarm Mon Santo headquarters and burn it to the ground. Ah! Right. Or just attack everyone so they run out, swatting at their faces for no apparent reason. I mean, I think the obvious solution is,

well, with automation, robotizing, robotizing, robotizing, 99% of all jobs within the next 25 years outside of comedy and podcasting. We just get all the newly unemployed to dress up in B outfits and run around the countryside pollinating stuff. All, we can learn from the insects

because we are humans, democratic species of people. You're right Andy, we need to start f***ing flowers. Ah, I don't know that our fluids are gonna necessarily ah, you won't know until you try. Right, I don't want to be the first to try whatever grows from that, I'm just saying that. Spreading the pond, anyway, look. In other insect news, is it a bad time for butterflies in America?

Yeah, absolutely. So not only is this border wall insanity threatening the lives of the mini children and migrants and just, you know, I don't know, bricklayers probably. It's also threatening the National Butterfly Center in the United States because it's right along the border. And, you know, there have been bulldozers going through there at some point, the Got Homeland Security cut their locks that protected their walls and then put their own locks on it like a cutthroat synergy fitness or something. Just like, cut the locks.

There's like, nope, we're taking over. And all these people are kind of like, okay, well, you're killing the sanctuary and you're also making America smaller because the way that you're gonna build the wall is cutting into us and not into them. And it's just completely silly because we're building up walls and killing butterflies, Mexico's curing, life threatening illnesses the whole time.

We're like, no, none of that. We'll be having none of that. I mean, Tom's border wall is making a lot of people angry, which is making a lot of the people who support him pretty happy, but in an angry way, where they're angry, that the people they were originally angry with are now also angry. But you know you are a next level rage inducer when butterflies take out a class action lawsuit against you.

They don't even have proper brains. It's astonishing this kind of constitutional overreach that Trump's administration is going through. They are, as you say, cutting locks, moving walls, they're generally being the federal equivalent of a schoolyard douchebag who dumps his backpack on your lunch and then makes fun of you for spilling your lunch. Just. So the North American Butterfly Association, no less, sued the American government back in 2017 over its plans to build its giant metaphor for American decline right through. It's probably, and it does raise the very worrying prospect that some butterflies, some of these butterflies will become Mexican, and therefore instantly become criminal butterflies,

members of the brutal Mariposa cartel, pollinating American flowers with a contraband hard pollen, which is often cut with custard powder as a cut cost, which is dangerously impure. But 30% spicier, come on. In other environmental news, children in Britain are on strike. There's a school strike, children are walking out of school to protest. They've got various protests and various towns and cities around Britain against the lack of action on the environments. I think that is very inspiring and also incredibly against my understanding of the schooling process.

When I went on strike as a kid, I was in trouble for children. Children going on strike strikes me as the equivalent of a hospital strike where the patients all walk out. That's not how it works. And then are there a bunch of like scab children that come in to take their place. It's just like 30 year old waiters who want to sit down real bad, are they?

I was gonna be at the school, there's gonna be a lot of division. That's how I know. Children going on home strike, no mother, you shall not make my lunch. Ha ha ha ha. Anyway, the children are on strike, Children going on home strike no mother you shall not make my lunch Anyway the children are on strike including my daughters joined the the protest in London and well I hope think it was about 20 past two now so I imagine the protest is in in full Hello darling how's the protest going

So sorry I can't hear I can't hear you. I can't hear you. The line isn't very good. Did people like your placard? You used it to smash up a water darling. Oh, right. Your friend Pratula threw up after drinking a cup. Oh no, sorry, I'm getting it. Yes, she threw it. Yes, she has got a good feeling. I got me right.

I suppose you could write it up as your science homework. What's that? You poured water all over a policeman. That was supposed to be for your pack lunch daily. You shoved water through a letterbox at the shell building? Yes, I know we have to send a message to the big world companies but no, I think they won't hatch for a while so you might get away with it. You're doing what now? Halfway up big Ben? Gorilla outfit? Was that your chanting? F***ing what? No darling, I will not be able to take the one phone call you're gonna be allowed from the

police station. I'm recording the bugle. Call mum. What do you mean mum's chained herself to what? With what written all over her warts? Okay darling, love you too. Ask for a lawyer. I've met your daughter Andrew and that is incredibly accurate. Yes. I've not met her but I just imagine her with like weaponized Capri Suns to squirt and people's eyes. Out quickly before we leave the environment section we we have a quick bugle, insect fact box.

Insects are f***ing disgusting. With their hideous proposcuses, their weird eyes that snoop on you, like a little miniature government agency, repellent eating habits and deeply perverted sexual practices, insects are disgusting. Their behavior often leaves a lot to be desired, which I guess is what you would expect of a biological group who make up a whopping 90% of all animal life forms on earth.

Fact too, if you want proof that God exists but is really shit at his job, look no further than the long-nosed weevil. F**king disgusting. Insects weigh 17 times as much as humans, but you wouldn't know it to look at them though. Was Jesus an insect? Some insects can walk on water. Humans cannot walk on water.

Join the dots. There are more than 6 million different species of insect. That seems too many. 250 should be more than enough. It's like cheese. Sure, it's nice to have choice, but many of them are almost indistinguishable. And you shouldn't hide them in people's underpants drawer. And some things you might think insects are not. Millipedes, for example,

they might as well be insects. Indeed, they want to be insects judging by how they f***ing behave. But they're disqualified for having too many legs. Insects hate things with loads of legs. They get jealous, so they leg shape the millipedes by not letting them into club hexapod. Other things that are not insects include spiders, biscuits, a horse with a jockey on it, remember the golden rule, all insects have six legs, but not everything with six legs isn't it? And tennis. And finally, the best insect is the cricket. Not only does the cricket attract mates by rubbing its balls on its trousers like a cricket player, and imitating the sound of a hardball hitting wooden bat, but it's actually also a sports star in its own right. The ancient Chinese sport of cricket fighting dates back more than a millennium.

This is a genuine test. It was considered so much fun that Mao Zitong, Lord Chief, coming of all the China's bandit in the 1970s. What was Mao's problem with lifting people and joy the simple pleasures of training insects to fight? Who knows? Luckily, Mao popped his lefty clogs and now cricket fighting is back with a two-day championships held every year that if you've ever stayed anywhere

in the countryside in the warmest place, you'll know he's all that the crickets talk about these days. Listen to them, it's like a thousand football phone that's happening at once. Um... It's no wonder that the top pugilow crickets can win up to two thousand dollars for knocking another cricket spark out according to an article from 2004 that I found on the internet that's probably true.

And Hollywood A-listers are keen to break the lucrative China market. They've been seen out on dates with champion fighting crickets. Deep-prey von Molluggan, the star of the non-osconominated and historically questionable war epic, Julius Caesar Nazi Slayer. As well as other hit movies such as The Texas Change War Anastey, Ghandi's Lemon, and the nursing home romcom, Erick and Didry get the horn. Well, he's been seen out with a Chinese middle-weight cricket fighting champion, Churpe Helga. Here under the facts.

What is the cricket going to do with $2,000? I don't know. I mean it's usually the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the agents take it all, don't they? Yeah, it's a slight boxing in the 1950s. One more thing? Yeah, right, right. Let's not beetle around the bush, Andy, the locust of this issue. not beetle around the bush, Andy. The locust of this issue. Ah! Ah! Ah!

The locust of this issue at this point is that unless we figure out a way to restore the ecological balance, we have few options, but to fly this dead planet and encroach upon the stars. You're welcome. I'm sorry. That was mercifully short. That beetle and his puns.

Yeah. I'm stuck in introductory paragraph. That was mercifully short. That beat all-end is puns. That was like an introductory paragraph. Some people understand the value of restraint, Andrew. Not on the show, Alice. My show, my rules. So, this week in American News about racism, which is pretty much all American news that we get over here. Blackface is back, guys. It's been a huge expose and all of these people opening up their yearbooks, which is surely you should have thrown those things away once you turn 25, right? But everyone's got a blackface picture of themselves in a yearbook and it's all coming

out. There was the Virginia representative, Northam, who basically in his yearbook was found to be sort of dressed up as a black face character next to a KKK character, and he first admitted to having done this. And then the next day was like, oh no, I didn't do that because I do remember dressing up in blackface, but it wasn't that blackface. That one was somebody else. But I totally did dress up Michael Jackson and try to and moonwalk and wear blackface. And so we had to do a big press conference that Ron's calling for him to resign. He is not resigning doing a lot of interviews.

He was like, you know, I was born in white privilege, which I think is a town just outside of Norfolk Virginia. And you know, he's trying to claim responsibility without quite claiming responsibility. And then there are all of these products that are coming out that are just lines being slammed for having blackface representations. There were the little product characters

that one was completely dark with ginormous red lips. Here's a hint. If you don't want to be mistaken for blackface, anything that's that black does not have bright red lips. All right, that's the problem. Okay, you should probably date more black people so you realize that the lips are going to be a similar color to the rest of the skin. All right, if they're drastically different, probably black face. Then there was the Gucci sweater with the balaclava with the red lips around the black. There's Katy Perry shoes, then have big red lips on them.

There's all of these representations and people are completely kicking off about them. And rightfully so, obviously black face, not our biggest of concerns, but it's just kind of like, why don't we understand why this is a problem? Yeah, Gucci had to apologize for making a racist jumper. I mean, not a racist jumper per se, more a jumper that makes the person wearing it look either racist or like they've missed the last 40 years of cultural development. Yes.

It's a black sweater top, which retails for $890. That's more than I've spent on clothes and my entire life. Yes, it's the entire closet. It features a funnel neck that covers the nose and mouth of the wearer with a red mouth outline. And the thing that bothers me most about the whole situation is that they're charging nearly $900 for a shirt. I mean, for that price, you want an item of clothing that the moment you put it on makes

you look incredible. Irresistible, the people you're attracted to, invisible to the people you're not attracted to and give you the job, whatever job you want, the moment you walk into the interview room. You do not want to spend nearly $900 to destroy any possibility of a future political career. First of all, according to Huffposts Julia Brucholieri, Balaclava sweaters are one of the season's hottest fashion designs, which makes me feel pretty depressed because until she said the words, Balaclava sweaters are one of the season's hottest fashion designs.

I'd never heard of Balaclava sweaters. And if I had heard of them, I would have assumed that there was something for small children so they don't lose their balaclava's or a very specific garment for fetishes. So not only have I learned that Gucci is either dangerously naive about how the things they make look, which is worrying because there's a fashion brand knowing how the things they make look, is literally their job. I've also learned that I'm very uncool, this is the worst story ever. There is a nice, much clothing that makes you irresistible, people who find you attractive, and invisible to people who don't. And that is a cricket jumper.

I feel like all of these sort of blackface instances coming out are just an argument for more theater education, because at some point they would have had that two weeks of mask work where they could have put on everything and just sort of been like, okay, now I can, you know, because ultimately a blackface is a mask for someone to act in ways that they normally

would not otherwise and ways that they attribute to a certain caricature, right? And so they could have done that with some kind of ancient things that were crafted in Italy specifically for Chiméria. And also, the theater teaches you empathy. Like don't be a racist because sometimes that Mexican actor that's in your scene partner is super hot.

And it opens you up to a lot of different experiences. I'm just saying that have more arts in schools that way you preserve your children's future political careers. In women around the world news now, a Saudi Arabian app that has been used to track women and prevent them leaving the country will be investigated by Apple according to its chief executive, who was made aware of it during an interview because he wasn't yet aware of the fact that there was an app on his platform that was imprisoning women in their own countries. Does he not use all the apps?

At all times, he's on Tinder and Grindr, which is spreading your message and your bits. I think this is fantastic news, this Saudi Arabian app. It tracks whether you leave the country or not, which means that people, women who all have to have male guardians, can be prevented from moving around freely, which is, I mean, I think we should do that with all relationships, not just, not just oppressive states. Everyone should have a sense of where everyone else is at all times, it'll help stalking. Keep people from getting murdered. And then eventually you can just upload your vacation photos, you know.

I mean, you're all doing that to ourselves anyway. What else is Instagram? Yes, exactly, but a tracking device for your stalker slash husband. Yes, absolutely. It's taking all the effort, challenge and charm out of running an oppressive Patreon. Usually, if you can just do it wrong on that. You hit a button and you're like, now, seven things so disposable.

You used to take a lot of effort and that? Yeah, you used to have to tie your wife to your leg with a rope Alright, that's the radiate to have to have a reunion But I mean it presumably it works in reverse like as you're going away as the wife Can you check to make sure your husband isn't doing a goddamn thing on your couch exactly where you left him? Just because sometimes you're just like oh good. He's not screwing anything off You'll so much safer leaving for two weeks exactly where you left him, just because sometimes you're just like, oh good, he's not screwing anything off. I feel so much safer leaving for two weeks.

In other women around the world news now, the UK girl who famously joined ISIS is trying to come home. She's given up on ISIS fun times and is desperate to return to the home of her birth, although she might be charged with Terroristic sort of activities Yes, she she banked off in 2015 With with two friends and I think the age of 15 now You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that joining Isis

Was not a great idea in 2015. In fact, rocket scientists, well they know that ISIS aren't really into their space travel and advanced aeronautics and terms of funding for them, it's really off. And of course, many teenagers bunk off from school or fall in love with the wrong people or don't tell their parents exactly what they're up to, but she's taken this way too far on all three of those. And I compare this with my teenage years, I was mostly reading books about sports, learning how to conjugate Latin verbs for school, and then writing books about sport in Latin. Very different word, spending your adolescent years. But, you know, in some ways,

it's just could, you know, people say, travel broadens the mind. And it's good to get out and see, well, I mean, there was this one time when I skipped school and went to Vietnam. There was a war on something. I got a boat up river into Cambodia. I killed this mad old dude with a machete. Was that, though? That did definitely, anyway, he seemed very worried as he passed away that he hadn't finished writing up

his astrological predictions for people according to their zodiac sign. So it couldn't't finish his word. The horror, the horror. Well this young lady was asked by the Times Journalist Anthony Lloyd, what her experiences were like, and she said it was just like a normal life. Yeah. Except every now and then there are bombs and stuff, but other than that. Yeah, every now and then just a head and a bin but other than that. Yeah, every now and then, just a head and a bin, apparently. She was like, I was completely unfazed by that. But of course, I mean, she's 19.

They're not, no teenagers phased by anything. They think, I feel like all teenagers are like that part of gremlins where the water's on them and they're just bubbling and popping off. Like, there's so much hormonal stuff going off. Of course, she's unfazed. In a decade, she's gonna be waking up in cold sweats in the middle of the night,

when she recalls everything that she's been through. But right now, she's just like, yeah, it's just like an average day at a prep school in London. So. That age you get phased by someone not answering a text message quickly enough. The head of the end is.

Yes. You're too cool for a head in the middle. Right. But the wrong emoji in a bin, and suddenly your emotions are off the charts. What does it mean? Does he like me or not? Anyway, the point is kids are staying school, but don't join a terrorist death cult. And see, don't rush into settling down and having a family, especially if you live in a war zone under a terrorist death cult.

Brexit news now. No. We're taking a week off. We're all unilaterally taking a week off at Brexit. Very much like the government. Instead of Brexit, sexual health section. Um, oh. Oh. We'll get the folly in later for that. Alice, as our family

show correspondent, what have you got to bring us in the view called sexual health section? In sexual emotional health right now news, we have a Kickstarter sex button which allows couples to press the button that says that they want sex and if the other person presses the button then both buttons light up and you have to bang immediately. That's the rule. It's like a very torturous game of twister. But there's massive backlash to this idea of the sex button. So is this a button on your phone or just a physical button and Andy, like a quiz show where the answer is always f***ing. How is this a button? Correct.

How is this supposed to change anything? I've had a sex button my entire life and it barely gets touched. All right. So. Well, the idea here is that for people for whom the sentence, do you want to have sex? Is too much or would kill the mood? They can press this button

thereby abdicating responsibility for their own sexual desire. Is this a British company that's doing this? It is actually an American company that is doing it. They're going for the British market. Yeah, yeah. They are absolutely going for the British market. The kind of couples that in order to trick themselves into having sex have to back towards each other in a darkened room and then trip onto each other's genitals.

having sex have to back towards each other in a darkened room and then trip onto each other's genitals. But it seems like quite a sweet idea for people who find it awkward to have sex. The problem with that idea is that if you are too awkward to ask for sex, you're too awkward to ask for a sex button. Yeah, that is so... But I don't see what's wrong with a good old-fashioned handwritten invitation with an RSVP within two weeks, followed up within a month for the interpersonary groinal on Coupa large boy, thank you letter. What is wrong with that? I think the problem is that they're not anticipating the fact that at some point there is somebody who's going to get a sex button fetish and he's going to be incapable of becoming aroused unless they are in the presence of a game show.

And also the people who are going to find out that instead of their husband, they're actually really attracted to their cat, who's the one who's hitting the button all the time, and then they have to respond to that, right? I mean, the problem also is that this is a mechanical device. At some point, you're going to be able to look at the analytics of that and see like how frequently someone is just hitting a button like a mouse that's just you know in amaze like I found the cocaine button just give it to me more you realize what a freak your partner is which I mean you should have done before you ever got married but now it's too late. The gadget is called Love Sink, which is what I call mine. And time to wash up. It has the ability not just to say that you want to have sex

at a particular time, but to set the period for which you want to have sex, which I feel is dangerous. So you can say, well, I have a historical period. Yeah. I'm just, you can say, I'm up for it now and will for the next two and a half hours.

But that's a terrible thing. About 16th century Italy. Only cave sex. What happens if then something very unhorny happens in that time? You know, your toilet gets blocked, your floor is covered in shit, but you still got 45 minutes left on your button. I think there's a complex pattern you can push to turn it off. That no one will have read the manual about and will never have mastered.

So you just be asking for more sex. And also how long do you know how long you're horny for? I mean, it says here that your partner can simply just cancel their desire, which is a review of a relationship I had once. review of a relationship I had once. Oh each other, then we would get our agents to schedule a conjuggling within the month. They work to treat two sonnets, two children, hyper-efficient. So, in other exciting sexual health news, there's a cure, ladies, a cure.

Mexican scientists have cured HPV and at least 29 women in Mexico, HPV, the leading cause of cervical cancer and also the leading cause of bullshit guys saying that they won't go down on you because they don't want to wind up like Michael Douglas. That's garbage. All right. I'm telling you, I've you because they don't want to wind up like Michael Douglass. That's garbage. Alright, I'm telling you, I've heard I don't want to get throw cancer from your HPV. And it's like, are you sure it's not the five packs of cigarettes you're smoking in the asshole? Get down there. So anyway, I'm just saying women, you can all, you know, I mean, yes, there's been a vaccine for a while,

but if you've already got it, you don't have to die in five years. Congratulations, some nice Mexican doctors will shine a light up your hoo and fix it. of vaccine for a while, but if you've already got it, you don't have to die in five years. Congratulations. Some nice Mexican doctors will shine a light up your hoo and fix it. It's a photo dynamic treatment. Like they send something in there with oxygen and they shine a light on it. And it's like that tooth whitening thing you do at the mall and like an hour your HPV is gone and your smile is twinkling. So I just, I don't know how we get our hands on this, but like go for it.

All right. And this will mean that Mexico is going to actually pay for the well because all the American I don't know how we get our hands on this, but go for it. This will mean that Mexico is going to actually pay for the well because all the American women are going to be flooding the border in the opposite direction, trying to get down there and get themselves fixed up. This is a non-invasive technique and it's called an efficient method to prevent malignant neoplasm, which is my favorite death metal band, and also the second highest cause of death among Mexican women. To conclude our sexual health section, I have been digging into the British archives and well as we've discussed the

Brits, not the most open of species about sexual matters and we've actually got here a sexual advice column from the Daily Telegraph newspaper in 1954. Entitled, ask Gemma. Gemma being Field Marshal Lord Sustrange for Gemma. Ha ha ha. Dear Field Marshal, I'm a 16 year old boy and I've started wondering about my sexuality. I find it hard to meet girls and I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm subconsciously

avoiding them. I don't know who I should talk to about it, yours, Trevor. Dear Trevor, we're British. Keep this kind of thing to yourself, you fucking idiot. Because you find it hard to meet girls, that's what we invented the private school system for. And the reason you don't know who you should talk to about it is because there is no one you should talk to about it. Bottle it up and remember, if your secret gets out, you're pretty much a right off. Sincerely, Gemma. Dear Field Marshal, I am a 28 year old woman. I love my husband and he loves me but we both find sex unenjoyable or quit in

sometimes embarrassing. What should we do to improve things in the bedroom? Yours, Caterina. Dear Caterina, this is a common problem for young couples. The intimate aspect of a marriage can be complicated, no matter how loving the relationship. My advice would be to never speak of it again. Sleep and set for bedrooms, take up a hobby like knitting or something, and assume that at some point in the next decade, your husband will have an affair with his secretary

and it won't be your problem anymore. Sincerely, Gemma. Dear Phil Marshall, I am concerned about a rectile, dear whoever you are. Interrupt you right there and tell you that is none of my business. Sincerely, Jemma. Your emails now and well this comes from, well an old friend of the bugle.

Dear Andy, John, very old, Chris, Alice, Harry, and whomever else has involved these days. I greatly enjoyed your, your letter from your listener Craig at the end of the last episode. I was wondering if you could pass on to my well wishes for good luck on his surgical procedure. As the original bugle vasectomy guy, I feel there's my duty to support like my didn't knuckleheads, all the best, he had. So, we're there a lot of copycat, the Saturdays, we did. We did have at least two or three one, no Chris. There are a few people who had listened to the bugle

whilst while they were getting the resectomies. The sectorized. I mean, this is either a causation or a correlation situation where people who are listening to the bugle desperately don't want to have any more children. What, because they become so depressed about the state of the world. Yeah, possibly. We're doing a bit for the planet. Dear Andy Chris and insert guest co-host here. Over and over. In response to your question, Buele 409-6 regarding

bugle podcast related injuries, I would like to take you back to a Barme summer night in 2017, simpler times. Whilst walking home from a birthday meal, I don't my headphones and began listening to your Kobe beef grade A quality bullshit. Lost in a happy... That's the wrong bit of the Kobe Caliore in your... Lost in a happy haze of political satire,

I was unaware that I was no longer on the pavement and was instead in I now realize a perverse foreshadowing of our current Brexit clusterf**k walking ignorantly towards a ledge. Blindly stepping out into the void, I plummeted to earth, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with soup, shattering my ankle in the process. In an ironic twist of fate, I spent the next few weeks working my way through historic bugles in the vein and in retrospect futile hope that laughter is the mess. Medicine yours faithfully Leo.

He has finished my vasectomy now. But how big was this ledge? And how exploded did his ankle? Yeah, you left a lot of questions. I think that's probably six feet as someone who is not a friend of gravity at my side. I've had many of fall and can probably gauge the injury. I'm guessing it was like some bit of construction like he fell into a grave, a graveyard sized hole, anything more than that he would have shattered a knee or a hip.

Dookie Remost coming in to hellobugelersatthebugelpodcast.com and while you're doing so, don't forget to put your tickets to the forthcoming Bugle Live tour. Beginning on the 26th of February in Brooklyn and concluding in Los Angeles on the 12th of March, all details on the Bugle website and other places on the internet will feature me plus Alice live on a big screen. We've just added an extra show in Washington DC on the 27th of February. Denver on the other hand is not really troubling the extra show scoreboard. Denver area, do come along and bring your friends. Tell them there's free weed. Free weed, you don't have to, they'll forget by the time they got there.

You said that, so that's fine, just tell them that. That brings us to the end of this week's bugle the bugle is going independent. We will have full details on this next week and how you can contribute to and get involved in the future of this show that will all come next week Until then it's been a delight having you on the bugle for the first time This has been brilliant and I've learned so much so many facts that are not applicable to anything else or even true or even accurate. Yes, that is true. Kind of fact. Now, that's what's going to army for the future this political landscape. Where can people find your your tour dates, your whoop.

Oh, yeah. Okay. So yeah, you should you can go to DesrayBurch.com. That's birch like church with a bee and Desray like the way it's supposed to be spelled. In May, I'm gonna be on the Netflix, so you don't even have to like go out of your house or put on clothes to find me. I'll be in your room non-creepily or a little creepily. For me, I'm touring in Australia with my new show Mythos Sydney Perth and Melbourne. Look at that up online. Also patreon.com slash Alice Fraser is a way to look for my blogs and I'm trying to do some video content for that as well but we'll see. Give it that soft self. Thank you very much for listening. Until next week, goodbye.

Bye! you