The Bugle - Speaker Blocks and Outcasts

Episode Date: January 11, 2023

Andy, Nish and Alice look at finest politicians in Congress, from Matt Gaetz to George Santos and Kevin McCarthy. Also, Brazil in chaos and exclusive extracts from Prince Harry's book Spare.Why not listen to our new show, celebrating 15 years of Top Stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanNish KumarAlice FraserProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. In memory of Zack Zaltzman. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBugle podcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Bugleers, and welcome to the year 2023, the year that I predicted would happen as long ago as 2018. It's always nice to be proven right every now and again. I am Andy Zoltzmann and we are back. After somewhat extended two months hiatus, back in November, my father died after a prolonged battering by Parkinson's and dementia culminating in an epic and reassuringly peaceful 10-day snooze as he in modern Poland transitioned into a new post-existence phase of his personal journey. As any of you have lost someone to the mental node is a strange gradual bereavement rather than a binary state of a life and not alive and alongside the finality of the end of that process the move from suffering to not suffering is a relief and mercy so I would like to dedicate this first bugle since he made that move to my father he loved sports he really loved puns he ate more bacon than his widely considered optimal in

traditional Jewish circles and as a sculptor for most of his working life he didn't have a real job so it should should be clear to you, Bugal listeners, that he has been a significant influence on me in many ways. Now, also, since then, I spent a month in Pakistan being escorted by very friendly, if extremely machine gun-wielding armed guards, two and from cricket grounds, to watch England achieve one of their finest test series victories. So that certainly helped. Now, joining me for the first bugle of 2023 we're kicking off the year with the dream team we have Miss Kumar and Alice Fraser

happy new year to both of you. Happy new year and my condolences and welcome to the fold of the half orphan where you're nearly ready to join Pagan's gang. you're nearly ready to join Pagan's gang. Hello, Andy. Hello, Alice. Hello, Bueglers. Happy New Year to you all. And again, many condolences to you and the salt'sments. Andy, I do believe that your strong commitment to puns is a lifelong tribute to your father. Yes, if you'd seen his speech at my sister Helen's wedding, you would realise actually bugle us from what you've heard me over the last 15 years, you've got off pretty lightly. So how's 2020-23 shaping up for you guys so far? We're nine days in, but how are you rating it as amongst the greatest years of the decade so far?

I mean, sorry, achievement, because I know Andy so much of podcasting runs on momentum. I took a brief break after giving birth to take a pause on my TV Dallas podcast. It's meant to be a six week break and I am returning now. Season two of TV Dallas is out. six week break and I am returning now, season two of 2 with Alice's out. So that's 15, 14 months? Yeah, yeah. Let's round it down to a year. Okay. Well, I think that's, that was, Chris, do you remember how long the gap between

the end of the John Oliver phase of the Bugle and when it really began, it's up to 2016. What kind of hiatus was that? What was it, year and a bit, wasn't it, I think? We were off air for 219 days, 7 months, 6 days. All right, okay. But we hadn't done many shows in the previous 6 months before that. It's got a little sporadic, isn't it? You're in a bit then, I'm going to say it's a claim that

as the natural break between a season two and podcasting. At Nishowji a year being so far. So far, so good. A lot of people are doing dry January where they give up alcohol to compensate for the excesses of the festive period. I will be doing drenched January, where they give up alcohol to compensate for the excesses of the festive period. I will be doing drenched January because I live in the United Kingdom in 2023. And at this point, the only way to cope with the state of this nation is to be permanently

drunk, but you really can't take any of it too seriously. Right. I am bugling sober because I do have some respect for institutions. And given you've dedicated this to the memory of your recently departed father, it would be a bit ghost for me to be absolutely shit-fast on it. I'm also observing dry January, but I think I might have misunderstood it. I'm just not having a shower or a bath for the entire month. But, you know, I'm 48. I'm at the time of life where you're trying

to relive your teenage years. So what better way of doing it? Could there possibly be? There's somebody who's currently in a house with two toddlers. I now know that there's such a thing as wet milk. So... Wet milk. Wet milk. I mean, it's the thing when wet's milk? I mean, it's the thing when it's milk in a bottle and then they drill all over the bottle

and then they hand you the bottle of wet milk. You know that thing. Alright, yeah, bring your back memories now. Well that moves us seamlessly into our section in the bin for this bugle, which we are recording on the 9th of January, 2023. Just quickly on the 10th of January in 1776, the last known example of common sense in American politics, when Thomas Payne published his pamphlet entitled Common Sense, advocating the American colonies, quit Team GB and go at alone, it hasn't really worked out, but it's starting to look increasingly tricky to pull back and admit you've been wrong for this amount of time. But our section in the bin is January personal challenges, because it's not

just dry January, there's also January in which people pledge to be a little more cautious about things in general, ranging from high risk physical maneuvers, such as trying to run round corners as fast as they do in firms, to taking online offers, claims and news headlines. We'll have to continue the assault. Also, jam you, Erie, in which you, at the place to spend more time sitting in traffic jams, giving us a bit of me time to reflect on your life, career and goals for the next year. Whilst also attempting to overcome the metaphorical feeling of static futility that traffic jams represent, pan you, Erie, in which you have to find something to leave a scathing review of every day for a month. And finally, Jan Ueri, in which you tried to persuade Jan Ulrich, the German former professional

workers, and drug cheats, or as they were known during his career, professional road cyclist, to leave his windows open for the first 31 days of the year. And before you complain, it's what I'm talking about. Wow, wow. My thought that it reached its natural end, you just kept it going for a little longer. Very much like my dad and his nursing home, actually. Top story this week, chaos in America. American politics has been brought to a standstill in the election of a new speaker of the House. Kevin McCarthy, the Republican, has finally won the vote to become speaker. But it took him not one, not two, but 15 attempts, 15 rounds of voting. Before he finally persuaded the more hard line Republicans to support him, which I guess does suggest that he doesn't have the most rock or most solid of support,

because generally if you have to ask for something 15 times before people agree to it, it's well awkward and will always remain awkward even if they eventually say yes. Whether that is taking on one of the most important jobs in US politics, whether it's asking for permission to bring your pet boat constrictor to work, whether it's membership of the Nishkoom or Superfan Club, whether it's an exorcism or a marriage. I'd say maximum five asks on any of those before you take the hints. It is an extraordinary kind of person who can take 15 rejections and keep trying. He's the little train that could if it was the little train who shouldn't have. This is the danger of teaching children and they can be anything if they just keep trying. LAUGHTER

I mean, Nisha, it was quite extraordinary, if I'll answer. Even Donald Trump, the former president and insurrectionist, with a black belt in self-interest in social division, called for unity. And, you know, when you're being told to unify for the good of the nation by Donald Trump, you need to take a long, hard, bar-food yourself. That's not being told by Cristiano Ronaldo to play for the love, the nation by Donald Trump. You need to take a long hard bar food yourself. That's not being told by Cristiano Ronaldo

to play for the love, not the dollar. Er, I mean, this is what, I don't know what you're talking about, Andy. He's gone to Saudi Arabia because he believes it to be the finest home for professional football. Sorry, my mistake, that was not even me. What did you make of this?

I mean, it was an extraordinary saga of, sort of, show the unique, f***ing wittery of American politics. Well, I mean, we're living through history because, Kevin Carthi, as you say, was elected speaker on the 15th attempt. And this was the longest confirmation process for a speaker since 1859. And to put that in context, the US has fought a civil war since then participated in two world wars and there have been Nine fast and furious films plus the Hobbes and Shaw spin-off And I can't think I can give it any greater context than that. It's not called it. It's not called a spin-off It's called a Tokyo drift

The Republican Congressman Patrick McHenry said at the start of his speech nominating with Kathy, it's been a long week. The president has called this process an embarrassment, talking heads labeled this chaos and a mess, and some would call it shambolic even, but it's called democracy. Really? What could be more... First of all, things can be more than one thing. It could be democracy, and it could also be an embarrassment, a chaos, and a mess. What could be true to the process of democracy, that a political party who attempted an insurrection, culminating in a vote where a man had to beg another man for his vote, and

one of those men is currently under investigation for sex trafficking. Kevin McCarthy is speaker, I mean in name only, Joe Biden described the entire saga as an embarrassment and Florida congresswoman Kat, Kat Kamak said, well it's Groundhog Day, but it isn't like Groundhog Day, I hate to be a stickler for the details of the plot point of that particular movie, but in Groundhog Day, the main character learned something. He's a good guy. He hasn't come through a nightmare-ish process, and it has learned literally nothing, and it didn't even have the decency to attempt to throw itself off the top of a clock tower.

I think the extraordinary thing about this is that it is a really good speed run show of what this democracy looks like, particularly in the American government system, which is somebody who wants power and then slowly trades away important concessions until by the time they achieve that power, you cannot trust anything they do because you don't know how many pockets they're in. But I mean, that was how he finally got himself over the line in this one horse race. I mean, he basically got over the line with the oldest political negotiating trick in the book, rolling over and giving in. Concession followed concession as the harder right of the pseudo Republican remnants of, once genuine political party,

have largely got what they wanted in terms of making sure the whole democratic process in America works as shitlier as possible for all Americans. So I guess this is, as you say, democracy in glorious action. Well, the most fascinating concession that he made in this process of slowly sucking all the cocks in the room was that it only takes one member to trigger an election. So it only takes one person being annoyed with him one day to make him have to run this whole thing again. So the final tally ended up at the 15th time of asking, it was 216 to 212. All the Democrats voted for their leader, Hakim Jeffries, but there were still six Republican holdouts to McCarthy, and they voted as

presence. So they basically just said, look, we're here, not actually vote positively for him at all McCarthy then took to the stage Visibly smiling like a man who simply doesn't understand what's been happening to him for the last few days He said that was easy her my father always told me it's not how you start. It's how you finish and he's right It isn't how you start. It's how you finish and how he finish is totally Absolutely thunder Right, it isn't how you start, it's how you finish. And how we finish is totally f***ing. He is absolutely thundered. He's had to make all sorts of concessions to some of the most wackiest whack jobs in the history of American politics.

And even then, it's why if I make my concession, I have to concession, I have to concession, he still didn't secure the support of all of them. Presumably, in Matt Gaetz's case, because he didn't make it legal of all of them. Presumably, in Matt Gaetz's case, because he didn't make it legal to have... S***. LAUGHTER Um, President Biden congratulated McCarthy for his win.

In one of those classic political congratulations that carries all the weight and genuine sentiment of a resident in a block of flats congratulating their next door neighbor for buying two new drum kits. Like, they don't mean it. And tension lies ahead. Biden said he looked forward to cooperating with the Republican party. I think that was one of the signs of the end times in the book of revelations. And he added

the American people expect their leaders to govern in a way that puts their needs above all else, thus raising further concerns over the president's allegedly declining cognitive functioning and increasingly fragile grasp on reality. I think it's so inspiring Biden's constant faith in the possibility of cooperation with the Republican Party. This is a drum he has been banging like somebody who doesn't realize they're married to a dominatrix even though they have a spike up their ass. Like this is... family show.

That's not the only shenanigan that has been going on in American politics since we've been, since we've been off air. Nisha, I know you've been particularly taken by the story of George Santos, who's been elected, if that is the correct words, to be the congressman for Long Island. And it appears that he's not been entirely honest with, well, his electorates, America as a whole, or himself himself and has basically just bullshat his way to power with a made up resume

stroke backstory. I mean, Andy, this man's commitment to bullshit means this is the closest we will ever get to having you in the US House of Representatives. His commitment to bullshit is beyond doubt. The New York Times in December investigated his background and found that there was a litany of falsehoods, including him claiming to have attended Horace Mann Private School in the Bronx, which he claimed that he didn't complete because of financial difficulties his family were experiencing. But however, a school spokesperson told CNN that they searched the records and there's no evidence that he ever attended the school.

He claimed to have earned degrees from NYU and Baruch College which again no one has been able to find records of. He claimed to work for City Group and Goldman Sachs but again, there seems to be no evidence that he worked for either of those two companies. And crucially, he also claimed to be a proud American Jew, whose grandparents escaped the Holocaust. He said, in his campaign launch video in 2021, he said, I've seen how socialism destroys people's lives,

because my grandparents survived the Holocaust. We don't have time to pick over the details of that. We don't have time. This land's bullshit is so aggressive. We don't even have time to pick over the details of that. So he's called himself a proud American Jew who bid to Israel numerous times and said that his grandparents were Ukrainian Jews. His maternal grandfather migrated in the late 20s from Ukraine to Belgium. There's absolutely no evidence of this whatsoever. His grandparents in Jesus, maternal grandfather, migrating to the late 90s, in the late 20s from Ukraine to Belgium. There's absolutely no evidence of this whatsoever.

His grandparents, in fact, are from Brazil. I've went pressed on this. He said, I never claimed to be Jewish, which is again another lie. It's a lie within a lie. This man is inception lying. He said, I'm Catholic because I learned my maternal family had a Jewish background.

I said, I was Jew-ish. What does all this add up to? This means we've found a worse Jew than Andy Solstice. A man who last Tuesday told me it was fine for him to meet in a bacon sandwich on his way to football because, and I'm quoting directly here, if you eat it in a car, that makes it kosher. here. If you eat it in a car that makes it kosher. Basically, that makes it kosher. He also claimed his mother died in the 9-11 attacks, but she died in 2016. And there's no evidence that it had anything to do with respiratory difficulties caused by the fallout for those attacks because it's currently no evidence that his mother worked in the World Trade Center at any point.

He also claimed that he employed four of the victims of the Pulse Night Club massacre. Again, absolutely no evidence of that at all. He also claims to be a sort of proudly openly gay Republican, even though he was married a tour woman until September 2019. Again, sexuality is a spectrum and people can be gay, people can change their minds, that's the way things are. But given this guy's track record, it doesn't look fantastic. But he also claimed to have found and run a tax exempt charity called Friends of Pets United

that rescued more than 2 and a half thousand dogs and cats. Although Facebook posts show that the group existed, neither the IRS nor the New York and New Jersey Attorney General's Office could find records showing it was registered as an official charity. He reportedly held a $50 per person fundraiser for a New Jersey Animal Rescue group whose leader later told the times it never received any of the proceeds. Now, this guy has lied about so many things, but the fact that he's lied about both 9-11 and dogs. Surely. Surely. Surely. Should accept it from public life. Is there two things you can't do in America?

It's **** around with 9-11 and dogs. It's extraordinary. The number of facets that this man has to his personality. George if that is indeed his real name which at this point I can almost guarantee it isn't has a looser relationship to the truth than I do with insert name of celebrity here I haven't been watching television the point is like he's genuine he's possibly lied about his sexuality he's lied about his mother he's lied about animal charities he's lied about his sexuality, he's lied about his mother, he's lied about animal charities, he's lied about 9-11, he's lied about his religion, he's lied maybe about his sexuality, like I just don't understand why it keeps working. Well, I mean I guess there is a fairly simple to the answer to that and that is that the entirety of American politics is dead from inside

to out. Like today, today, this morning, I said to my beautiful daughter, did you just do a poo? And she said, no, I could smell the poo. And so I did not take her word for it. And I just feel like this guy is walking in,, smelling like shit, and nobody's changing his nappy. I did read some of that. Some people are saying that actually what he is is an embodiment of the American dream. Now the word the there, I would quibble with an American dream, an American, the dream that you can cheat your way to the top, which is an increasingly popular American dream. An American, the dream that you can cheat your way to the top, which is an increasingly popular American dream.

He is the embodiment of that. I was fascinated by, as you say, Nish, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this,

this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, down to that philosophical question, do you believe that lies as negatives multiply together so that one lie plus, so that one lie times another lie equals a fact. So as long as you tell an even number of lies, you're in the clear, or do they subtract from each other, I guess you know that could run through the courts. Just picking up on a few more of his claims, he said he claimed to set up an animal charity. The actual truth is that he ran a fleet of 80 Donica bab vans that sourced its meat by stomachs, people's homes and stealing animals from inattentive zoos.

It also turns out he was not as he claimed the winner of the 2015 French Open singles title, nor did he save the life of Buzz Aldrin by safely talking him down from the moon when he was left there as a prank by Neil Armstrong in 1969. Nor did he discover funk music during an absent-fueled sails with Ludwig Van Beethoven. So many, many falsehoods on his seat, but let's give him credit. He has said sorry.

He said, I'm embarrassed and sorry for having, and I quote, imbellished my resume. Now, that is... No, no. That's a bit more than imbellishing. That's a Hannibal Lecter. It's a Hannibal Lecter apologizing for going a bit off-pieced vis-à-vis my dietary preferences. There are so many lies, so elaborately distributed

that I'm waiting for the solstice for the sun to get into the right position to fall through the lies and hit some treasure map. Because there's no way he's putting these like elaborate constructions up for no reason. During the various rounds of debates for the speaker, no Republicans would be seen near him. And actually one Republican member of Congress actually did go to greet him, realized who he was and immediately spun away in ran. That tells you how toxic this guy is. Republicans are about to be seen. Republicans who will happily

sit down with school shooters and sex pets. I've looked at this guy and thought, no, no, that would be very bad for the brand. Hackim Jeffries said, centos quotes, appears to be a complete and utter fraud. And again, at least this shows commitment to the Trumpian ideal, a complete and utter fraud. Yeah. At least we know where we stand. He's gone all in on his fraudulence, not like some of these people, we're only kind of 97, 98%

fraudulent. He also appeared at Santos in December at a gala in Manhattan, attended by white nationalists and right-wing conspiracy theorists. So when we hear that he's the epitome of the American Dream, I think we're starting to understand who's American Dream this is. I don't know how he, who's American dream? This is. I don't know how he can do it genuinely. I once had an agent who put up a thing on my website bio that I was on the show that I wasn't on, and I got a correction, and I still have nightmares about it today.

Other world news now, and well, of course, it's not just in America where Trump's legacy can be seen thriving. In Brazil there has been complete an utter mayhem over the last day or so as fans of the outvoted leader, Jaya Bolsonaro, people who cling to the idea of Brazil being an international ego, pariah and dream of the Amazon being concreted over and becoming the world's largest car park and claim the election in which their man was beaten by the returning Lula de Sevilla, some kind of combination of a fix of hoax of fantasy and a conspiracy that resulted in the death of football legend, Pele.

They have not taken reality lying down, a quick trigger warning for us, some of our more democratically minded American listeners. They violently stormed government buildings and attempted to tantrum Bolsonaro back into office in a cockheaded coup attempt. There was a story in the Guardian this week saying that the number of people ruled by populist leaders around the world is at a 20 year low, a mere 1.7 billion, according to this report from the Tony Blair Institute down from 2.5 billion in 2020, which I mean seems like a positive in a way that it seemed like there were now fewer sharks at large at various points during the George franchise.

it seemed like there were now fewer sharks at large at various points during the jaws franchise. But it's hard to be too optimistic about this when you see the the after effects of some of those populist leaders leaving office like what we've seen in Brazil this week. It's all bad stuff. I believe at various points in the like in my appearances at this podcast, I've drawn attention to the fact that Bolsonaro may be a creature of pure coronavirus due to the number of times he has contracted the disease. And like the novel coronavirus, Bolsonaro is a problem that refuses to go away. Truly he was the dodgy looking mole on the back of democracy that we had surgically removed

because it could have got very, very dangerous very quickly. And it turns out we have not successfully scraped Bolsonaro off our backs. He, his supporters are the stormed various government buildings in Brazil. And it's, I mean, it's hard to know where they could have drawn inspiration from. Actually, let me rephrase that. It's very fucking easy hard to know where they could have drawn inspiration from. Actually, let me rephrase that. It's very f***ing easy to know specifically where they could have drawn inspiration from. The only way this could have been any closer is if they'd done it two days earlier on January 6th. Bolsonaro is even currently hiding out in Florida, which at this point is basically a state-devoted to...

It's basically a penal colony. Yes, yes. It's America's Australian. It's an American. It's an American. It's an American. It's an American. It's an American. It's an American.

It's an American. It's an American. It's an American. It's an American. support an army of hairdressers. Apparently they were bust in by more than 100 buses, which just sounds like the worst school holiday ever. And apparently Brazilian justice minister Flavio Dino said the police already know who hired the buses and is going to investigate all the passengers who were on them. And I've included in the article that I'm reading, they've included a picture of Brazilian justice minister Flavio D, who I do not trust because he looks way too happy to be the Brazilian justice minister.

I think they've included a picture just because he looks, he looks so delightful, he looks like he should be on the cover of a university magazine where they're pretending to have more diversity than they have. He just, so pleased to be there. It's, the spotlight is falling, as we sort of move into the aftermath of this attack, the spotlight is falling on various different social media outlets. Twitter actually got rid of quite a lot of its different information off this, specifically

in Brazil. So, that doesn't look great for Captain Muskmeister. But there's also a huge amount of attention on various WhatsApp forwards and WhatsApp has become an incredible part of Bolsonaro's rallying of his support via various bits of misinformation. And if you don't realise the power of WhatsApp, that's probably because you don't have older relatives from India. Because I cannot tell you the number of times in my family group chat. People will be having a completely normal discussion and then someone will post an article saying,

guys, isn't it weird that Narendra Modi's penis is magic? Anyway, back to the chat. Back to the chat. Hope everyone enjoyed your cousin's wedding. Prince Harry is about to release a Warts and more warts memoir entitled Spare and the leaks and interviews around it are putting the cheese into I knew that family was dysfunctional but not quite that dysfunctional. The whole family is still, of course, reeling from the death of Queen Elizabeth II last September and come to think of it, reeling from the breakdown of Charles and Diana's marriage in the 1990s and the abdication of Edward VIII in 1936 and the establishment of a full parliamentary democracy

gradually in the United Kingdom and of course the execution of Charles I and 1649 which they're still not really recovered from constitutionally and all personally and the wars of the roses, the peasants revolt, the Magna Carta and the Huha, over the crown off of the death of Edward Confessor in 1066. There's all chipped away at the Royal mythology. And now we have this state where it's sort of tearing itself apart. They've been on the back foot since King Knut tried to f***** with the tide. Harry's put on his alligator outfit and started making allegations of all sorts of deceits

of intro from family betrayal of selfishness and indeed of violence, but I guess we're going to keep a monarchy. We should keep all these defining traditions of that institution. You can't keep the monarchy and not keep deceit, betrayal, selfishness and violence, can you? No, of course, this is what we signed up for. This is absolutely what we signed up. This is why we have a royal family, as far as I can tell. When I was a kid, there were leaked transcripts of Prince Charles saying he would have liked to bin Camilla Parker-Bulls' is tampon.

Like, as far as I can tell, this is just dealing in the proud royal tradition of being weird entertainment for the people of this country And I mean I tried really hard with this like I read up on it and everything But it all just slid off my brain like I was an oiled duck during an absolute But I know people get really hit up about this. I just feel like I don't know an actor from a show. I don't watch married Megan Markle I don't know, an actor from a show I don't watch married Megan Markle. I don't know why we care about what some guy who's not going to be the king thinks about anything. I'm not going to be the king and you don't listen to me.

I mean, wait a minute, if you're on this podcast list, please let's listen to the... My joke is eaten itself. I'm going to get joke indigestion, which is like normal indigestion, but it sounds like this. Chris, can you please insert a comical farting noise with like a Hong Kong sound at the end here? Don't cut the bit where I ask for it. I think the audience likes to hear behind the curtain Well, I mean, I think the fun fundamentally we do keep the monarchy Largely because of how everything else in the country has gone to shit And you know it's a useful there's the same reason we have sports. And you know, I'd not into the monarchy, I am into sport, therefore I can successfully

ignore reality for months, if not years at a time. And the monarchy fulfills that role for people who have not reached the elevated plane of human existence that is deep-seated love of Tess Match cricket. Yeah, and I mean, and like our love of sport, and these are sport and the royal family or organisations, my dear allegations of corruption and racism. Well, even though the book has not been yet released, I've been reading some of the reviews on Amazon. There's one here that says, this is not a book about bowling two stars and One that says I hated this book so much. I didn't read it tell Megan She was such a bad bride

She ruined the concept of monarchy for my children now when they asked me if mock if royalty is real I tell them no royalties just a communal fiction seated in an outdated combination of feudal and religious hierarchy and all because Megan was a horrible hussey who stole Harry from me, Sandra the rightful heir to the throne of Diana for us. Well I mean the book has not been officially published in this country but there have been various leaks and at the bugle we have managed to get hold of a copy written in biblical Hebrew which of course I've translated for you. And here on as an exclusive excerpts from Spare, read by our bugle role insider, Elstrich Snodge Grappoliard. This section is from the funeral of the Queen last year.

Do we have to go in the horse and cart out, I asked. Tee-na-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s asked, TEE-MAPS-F**K! Slow. I know a guy who's got a Lamborghini could have given us a lift. Tradition Sun 2 replied my father. If he's still being horse and cart for public journeys, the whole edifice will start collapsing. Besides, it's better for the environment. I asked, isn't it also a royal tradition that King Charles is tend to end up with no real need of a hat or a scarf? That's only half a tradition Sun 2, he re-replied.

The other half is that King Charles has shit loads of affairs with hot chicks. no real need of a hat or a scarf. That's only half a tradition, son, to, he re-replied. The other half is that King Charles has shitloads of affairs with hot chicks. What's your point? The point is, Dad, I said, that it seems that we choose to keep some traditions and choose to ignore others. Well, that, son, to, is the most traditional royal tradition that there is in this country. Here's another part from last summer, from, well, the Jubilee time time actually. I knocked on the door. Granny, as always, was looking cool and unflustered. The bear, however, quite patently had no trousers on.

I could tell he was blushing intentionally under his extreme, convenient, full face fur. I think I've misread the singles, muttered padding, since he scuttled out. Clutching a protected marmalade sandwich over his unignorably buried nevers. Granny raised her eyebrows. Tough being a single girl these days, she said,

I'll play me internet. And another touching moment from Harry's relationship with the late queen. Granny finished her all-spinning practice for the day. Chalking the set, she put it down, ready for the weekly visit of Steve Davis, the snooker player, Lorie, at that afternoon. You ever wondered if the National Anthem works how? She asked, gunning her cap-reason

in one? Yes, ground I reply. Alright, then, I'm going to show you. Lad's crank it up. Said Granny with a click of the fingers, the band of the third Royal Artillery Regiment emerged from their holding cupboard and marched around the room, brosily, brosily tooting God save the Queen. Granny mouthed the lyrics of the first line, then nodded, pulled her crown down hard over

her brow, sprinted at the window and dived out head first with a gleeful whee! The glass shattered as she flew crowned floor first out of the fifth floor window. She twisted in the air, gave me a wink, and did the sign of the horns with both hands as she flew backwards. At that moment, she was grabbed by a passing condor, which gently took her in her beak, popped her back on the window, she'll unscathed, and flew off. She did a couple of pull-ups on the curtain rail, then swung herself back into the room. Once a week I'd do something like that, how this song f***** works. You've got to get your shits and giggles away,

you can at my edge, ginger nuts, she said. Lastly, we got to quatted a helicopter into a mountain, not a f***** scratch. And finally, this is from the alleged fight scene with Harry's brother, Prince William. I had William in what I thought was a voice-like step-over arm-locked channel clutch, but Kate clattered me around the head with a chair. We'll got to his feet, but Meghan clothed blind him, and as he lay flat, I belly splashed him off the top turnbuckle. Kate, who to be fair, shows the benefits of having had stone-cold Steve Austin as a

personal trainer themselves. He's got me fair and squares with the top notch inverted atomic drop, but even as my be fair, shows the benefits of having had stone-cold Steve Austin as a personal trainer themselves. Got me fair and squares with the top notch inverted atomic drop, but even as my plums barked at me in agony, I saw Meg's had wheels in a front face lock, an inevitable precursor to her trademark brainbuster move. Somehow, he slipped out of her grasp, but I got him in a wheelbarrow body, and threatened to facebuster shit out of him. Time to chuck in the corgi bro, I said, but even as the words came out of my mouth, I saw Kate descending towards me. Time seemed to stand still, and the light seemingly glistened

off each sequin individually, as she hoved into view. Shit, it's the diving leg drop bulldog I thought, this is getting f**king serious. We'll have more exclusive extracts as they become available. I feel like we might have buried one of the key leads here, especially for listeners of this podcast who have certain specific interests. And that is that Prince Harry had frostbite on his penis while I was in prison. I feel it would be remiss of us, based again, as I say on everything I know about the listenership of this show, to not talk about the fact that, before Prince William was wedding,

Harry had been on charity exposition to the North Pole, where he'd walked 200 miles and got frostbite in his ears, cheeks and penis. And this is an extract from the book, and the problem is now Andy, you're already created this sort of veneer of absolutely George Santos, this entire story. And I'm worried now that people are also going to think this is bullshit because

basically it doesn't sound out of place with your bullshit. There are countless stories in books and papers about Willie again Willie is short for William this whole institution these will be published about Willie and me not being circumcised to he you reportedly writes in the web well mummy had forbidden it they all said and while it's absolutely true that the chance of getting penile frostbite, which I believe was your wrestling name, Andy. It's much greater if you're not circumcised. All the stories were false.

I was snipped as a baby. What does all of this mean? All of this means is I'm definitely going to read this f*****, but it is absolutely no way I don't read this god damn, But I've no interest in the royal family. But if you're telling me frostbite penis, will you have a Harry having to fight? I'm reading the book. Congratulations, booksellers, you've won this round.

Some of the other titles that were being circulated, spare is a great and striking title. Some of the other titles that were being circulated included Sun 2, the Art of Boer, which they decided not to do because even though he is marginally less boring than the rest of the royal family, he is still incredibly boring. Two sun two furious, and behind the velvet curtain

is a beef eater, and he watches me poo. So none of them them made the cut. So cut. We just never know with the role family. It lives on purely because it is ridiculous. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle, it's great to be back and we'll be back next week and in all subsequent weeks until the end of time, anything to plug, either of you. Yes, I have a season two of Tee with Alice is now available so if you've not subscribed to that do or look me up at patreon.com slash Alice Fraser where I do weekly salons and writers meetings if you want to write

with me patreon.com slash Alice Fraser. And don't forget also to listen to Alice on the gargle the magazine sister publication to this august audio newspaper. It's the Sonic Clossing magazine. I've always said Andy's great at self-promotion when it's other people stuff is promoting. This is our own self-promotion that he stinks at. If you live in the United Kingdom I am on television at the moment on a show called Hold the Front Page where me as part of my contractual obligation to only do any sort of travel based shows with a white comedian, me and Josh Whitakim, went around the United Kingdom working at local

newspapers and hilarity ensued. And in working as a journalist, it's part of my ongoing attempt to own the entire process, both of generating news and satirizing it. But it's, every episode is available on Sky On Demand and now TV right now. And it's also, it's on television. I wish I had that information for you. Also, the news quiz is back with the first one last week, you can find all of those on BBC Sounds. Right, well that brings us to the end of the first bugle of 2023. We will now play you out with some

more entries onto the Bugle wall of fame from our premium level voluntary subscribers. To join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme, do you have a one-off or a current contribution to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent, go to thebughlepodcast.com and click the donate button. Here are the latest entrance to the Bughle Hall of Fame, our premium level voluntary subscribers who have made some key contributions to human progress. Seigar Streira McGherry came up with the idea of a line going around the centre of the

earth to bring an end to all the debates about where North and South begin and end. Cliff Fluet invented a musical instrument that you have to hold horizontally while blowing across a hole in the top and waggling your fingers around. It was named after him, and he's such a great guy that he didn't complain when they spelt it slightly wrong. David Onbe disproved the theory that all roads lead to Rome, using only a map, a ruler, a pencil, and an awful lot of determination. Daniel Hawksworth revolutionized Formula One as a sport when he suggested using really fast cars instead of goats. And Stephen Morris also played a key role in the evolution of F1 when he suggested they dispensed with the maths test at the start of races in which drivers had to calculate

something using one mathematical formula before they were allowed to start their cars. David Wright was responsible for Star Wars being such a big hit when he suggested to George Lucas that the story be set in space rather than in a fictitious town in rural Pennsylvania called Nob Rinkle. And Josh Fares was equally influential on Steven Spielberg during the creative process for the film ET with his suggestion that ET should stand for extra terrestrial rather than ejaculating terrapin. Paul Walsh, despite not being the Paul Walsh who played football for England in the 1980s, was able to persuade UEFA the governing body of European football to abandon plans to allow one player on each team to ride a horse and

wield a mace during extra time. And Ernetto Sullivan was similarly a key figure in the evolution of modern tennis, when she presented a paper to the tennis authorities proving that using eggs instead of tennis balls might help encourage tennis fans to eat more protein, but would, after an initial uptick, soon reduce the popularity of tennis as a spectator sport. And finally, Roberto Tyley is widely admired in astronomy circles for his discovery that stars stop twinkling during daytime in order to save energy for when they can actually be seen.