The Bugle - Spready Mercury

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Well isn't this exciting! After nearly five years John Oliver returns to The Bugle for a bumper edition! This week...SnowploughsTrump/Covid/Brexit and other things that have happened since 2016Sexy FrogsAntelopes playing bassCOME SEE OUR END OF YEAR SHOW ON 30TH DECEMBER: https://www.citizenticket.co.uk/events/the-bugle/the-bugle-relives-2020/#get (with Nish Kumar, Alice Fraser and Nato Green)Buy a loved one Bugle Merch for Xmas - bobble hats, scarves and HAGOW T Shirts are on sale!We have a sister show, The Last Post, which you can hear here. Follow us on YouTube or Insta and see parts of this episode with actual video.The Bugle is hosted this week by:Andy ZaltzmanJohn OliverAnd produced by Chris Skinner. LISTEN TO BUSH'S BOARD GAME THING Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Before we begin this week's Bugle and it is a show,

I think you will enjoy a great deal. Here is a reminder to book your tickets for the Bugle Live review of the year on the 30th of December, starting at 8pm UK time. That is official curtain. Uptime doors will be a little bit before that if you can indeed have doors for an online show. It will feature me, Alice, Nish and NATO as we bid, an enthusiastic, sod often don't come back to the last 12 rubbish months. Tickets are available via thebuelepodcast.com and we'll entitle you to watch the show live and or stream it for a fortnight afterwards, after that we might throw some of it open

to the rest of the world, but if you want to see all of it, well it's still relevant, buy or ticket now, or after you've listened to this week's show, ideally, here it is, strap in, I newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugles and welcome to this the last full Bugle of 2020, a year that has been an absolute object lesson in how to be a thoroughly shit 12 months. Now I know I'm prejudging the last two weeks till the come. Well look, who remembers Oscar's goal for Brazil in the 2014 World Cup semi-finals against Germany? Not even Oscar I imagine remembers that goal. I imagine he wakes up every night at 4am screaming,

7 f***ing 1! But, Eugluss, if there was one thing that could sweeten the barrel of shite that has been 2020, it would surely be. I'll guess this week, so please welcome back for the first time since before COVID. The first time since before the UK officially left the EU at the start of this year, since even before England won the cricket World Cup last year, since before America voted for Donald Trump, since before Britain voted for Brexit, since before America even probably thought of voting for Trump and Britain genuinely gave a shit about leaving the EU it is. For the 295th time on the Vugal, the one, the out, oh hang on I've lost my paper, the one and only, John Oliver! Hello Andy, hello, Vugalz! Hello, viewers! Guess who's back. Back again. John is back with his friend.

Guess who's back. Guess who's back. I am back. I am back. Stop guessing. Because I'm back. I am back. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM.

Hello, Andy. Hello, everyone. It's great to be back to add insult to significant injury for 2020. Greetings to you from New York, the city that normally never sleeps Andy, but to be honest, which has currently been put to something of a medically advised coma,

due to be absolutely riddled with the roner at the start of the year and trying desperately not to re-riddle itself right now. And interestingly, Andy, it is not just the pandemic that is currently crossing New York. As I speak, it is currently snowing its frozen balls off. Look it out in the window right now. It I speak, it is currently snowing, it's frozen balls off.

Look it out on the window right now. It is like a picture postcard Andy, as long as that postcard was from New York during the pandemic of 1918, because sure, on the surface, it looks romantic, but then you realize there's still something horrendous happening underneath that really needs to be stopped. It's sort of like a royal wedding in that way.

Superficially spectacular, what was the spectacle wears off? Think it's gonna start getting sad fast. There are actually snow plows, you might be able to hear them in the distance, currently trundling outside and all over the northeast. I actually read this morning, Andy, that in Syracuse, New York, they recently held a contest to name 10 new snow plows that they had bought and they announced last week some winners such as Blizzard Beta and Salt City Express and as names go Andy those are fine, right? That's a pair of

Serviceable names absolutely no real complaint or at least they seemed fine until I started looking at what Scotland has been doing with It snowplow names because it puts those efforts to shame Andy Here is just a few of the official names on snowplows in Scotland. Grid expectations, grittallica, gritney spears, Penelope gritt stop. So grits a lot, gritty gritty bang bang. Those are just the grit based names. That's just one subsection of excellence. There's also, these are real hand snow low.

I want to break free's. Ready's ready go and snow be gone canobi. Those are world class names Andy and look, I'll say this. At least Scotland actually tends to get some snow. England usually gets slightly less and yet apparently England has not been phoning in the snow plow names either. Wiltshire, I swear this is true. Has a plow called Usain. Salt. You St. Salt Andy! When you have a name that good, it's a crime to leave that plow in storage for most of the year.

They should be proudly gritting the streets in the middle of August, just to keep people spirits up. Surely no one's gonna object to that. Who just shot that salt all over my flip flops? Hold on, I've vehicle you, you say salt. Please allow me to retract my protest, currently no complaints on my end. And it doesn't stop there, Andy.

It still doesn't stop there. Don Kaster has plows called Gritsey Bitsy, Teeny Weenie, Yellow, Anti-Slipp Machinery. And David Plowey. Those names were so good, so good that they apparently rejected, because they didn't have space.

They rejected the name spreadredi mercury meaning for Spratically that name was technically available so excuse me if I'm now F**king furious and what Syracuse New York just did here because what I've done is they've settled for Blizzard beta when they could have had Spredi Mercury it's a king disgrace and And a fundamental betrayal of everything that makes us human. I don't think that's overstating in the slightest In fact, I'll go one step further here. It's fundamentally un-American. America is a nation.

It's supposed to do things in the extreme. That's been its MO throughout its history, not always for the common good. It landed on the moon. It's launched numerous wars and invasions that were completely unwarranted. It made the muck rip. It is the gold standard in the extreme,

a little advised action. I don't really want to see the documentary action park, but if you haven't, you should, it's excellent. It's about an insanely dangerous water park in New Jersey in the 1980s, where I'm buying my Niaq with no regard for human life. The best kind of amusement park. The best kind. I'm only attraction that would be justifiably and thankfully illegal today. it featured an actual water slide loop to loop and just picture that in your mind right now. Yeah you're exactly right that's what it was. It turned out, it turned out, you don't need to be an expert in physics to think that is a bad idea.

It turned out, it was exactly as dangerous as it sounds. When merely trialing it Andy before the park was officially open, people were knocked unconscious and came out with scratches all over them. Now, when they couldn't work out exactly where the scratches came from, they looked inside and realized that the teeth of some of the people that went down at first were embedded in the tunnel and were cutting through people's skin. And yet, they opened it to the public anyway! Why Andy? Because that's what this country does. It's just like the moon landing isn't it? You've got to

go through these difficult tricky phases. Exactly one person in the documentary when a template is to justify the existence of the park and the fact that while open it hadn't just hurt park attendees it had killed multiple people said and I quote who wants to sit on a ferris wheel and look and it's core I just think that message for life that's not America's about isn't it for good bad and often both simultaneously and what this means is I really think there should be an arms race for naming snow plows now and it should be one America enters and then somehow finds a way to dominate in a way that

manages to destabilise the world. The bar has been raised by Scotland and various English towns. Right. I mean, I take all that on board, John, and from the way you've dealt with that story, all I can surmise is that what has been pretty much five years since you did the bugle, you miss puns. No, you miss the puns. No, miss the puns. That is a lining out. It's all's all going out now. There's a distinction there with a significant difference, Andy, because I was expecting you to jump on that and say that I've technically just enjoyed a pun. Previously, you're quite right.

I've gone on the record of being against them when deployed by you. But I do think there's a key difference here. I'm fine with puns. The record will be clear. I'm fine with puns when the messaging device is a piece of heavy machinery. I'm not a fence Andy. You're just not that. Right, yeah. I mean I can't get on with that really. But, um, good, it's great to have you back John. It's very much

the Christopher Columbus of comedy. You went to America and things start to go very badly indeed for the people who already lived there when you arrived. So hit. And obviously, you've had a busy few years since you were lost on the bugle. Great on of you today, becoming only the second bugle co-host after Andy's ultimatum to appear on the bugle in three separate decades. Wow. It's going to be right up there with your greatest achievements in showbiz, you think? Well, yeah, you would think, Andy, if it were not for the fact that over the last five

years as well, and if you were, I dipped my toe back into the unforgiving volcano of movies because in the last five years, Andy, I was Zazu in the liking remake. I'm Zazu Andy and you respect me as such. I've got two children now, yes, but I'm also Zazu and I think that's more important. And me saying I'm Zazu Andy, that's not my words. That's the words of the people at Disney tasked with writing on the credits who Zazu is because it's f***ing me.

And if anyone's thinking, hold on, isn't Rowan Atkinson Zazu, the answer is in the hearts, minds and memories of every rational person on Earth, yes, but most recently, no, chronologically, I'm f***ing Zazu. And if you don't respect the passage of time, what do you respect? Well, I've always been a movie star. Well, of course, yeah, I mean, that was true since I've...

The big screen is where my heart lies. Yeah, your heart and your dignity and the... Your blue, smurfy heart. As a film star, I'm basically a suicide bomber. I can take down the film and the careers that the people in that film around me. Well, so who's next? I mean, Bond is surely right for an Oliver take down.

It's a natural step. I think the best time to be bond is not next. It's to let Idris Elba be bond for one film. Have people like it. Then step in. That's when you can hear and take people the most. We all agree, do we like him? Sure.

Sure. But you're not going to get him anymore. You're getting me. I'm more of a paperwork bond. I'm a 21st century bond. That's a pandemic Bond online now. I do, basically everything over Zoom. Yep.

I've already done the most bugaly possible thing that you could do to the Bond, which was high. As a career high, I got the opportunity to make the official Bond podcast. Did you? Which then got pulled after it had been out for one day because they canceled the movie. Bugal. B Bugal! Fantastic. Do they cancel it or is it being delayed?

I mean I'm assuming we'll go to the cinemas again one day. Because that would be a really bold move to go. You know what, if we can't have it now, we'll never have it. I'm going to put it in the time capsule. When did the... Yezzazu roll? That came out 2019? Yeah, I mean, when you do a role that's timeless and it feels somehow crass to put a year on it. So because there's been a lot of talk John about how COVID is a huge great conspiracy and it does seem a little suspicious

that it started so soon after your last, the latest of your, I don't know, flock of, move, I mean, what, what's the other collective now? What's a flock, a flock? For turkeys, I'm not sure, but it's, I've got to forget. But, but, suddenly this, this, this virus has essentially killed cinema. Yes.

Came out. Yeah. I mean, was it a conspiracy to, to stop you making films. Is that what we've stumbled upon? I mean, correlation isn't causation, Andy. And you'd want to view that thesis, but I can't think of a good pushback to it right now. Anyway, that's a bit of a nice log intro. Nothing's changed, Andy. Nothing's changed. Let's start talking. Fundamentally can't focus to a briefly entertaining

and eventually frustrating degree and the rest of the show suffers for it. We're picking on it. Exactly where we left off. It's like getting on a very rusty bicycle that has been rightly consigned to a police evidence seller. Yeah, how many more listen to this? I've got a good tetanus shot.

Well, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Rome, the festival that would eventually mutate and be rebranded as Christmas, coincidentally, four, nine, seven, busy the last year when anyone could legitimately say, best Christmas stroke saturn alia ever and be indisputably correct since when those arguments have run on and on. As always, a section of the bugle is going, where, John? In the garbage. Oh, God, you've changed. Burn that passport.

It's going in the bin. This week, crypto currencies as a Bitcoin hits an all-time high of $20,000 per bit of made-up coin. We look at the cryptocurrencies that could shake up the cryptocurrency market in 2021. People are getting a bit bored of cryptocurrencies and does seem the market is going to double down on the cryptotude of the Boring-Ultraditional cryptocurrencies with crypto-currency. Bitcoin could be shoved to one side. We're looking at new things on the scene like Metawedge, Sudo and Boulder Cash and crypto-currencies. I'm going to say to take the economic world by storm next year,

magic beans could be one happiness, love. I think that could be the great cryptocurrency of next year, because it's turned out money can buy made up other forms of money, so the Beatles could have been wrong about money not being able to buy you love after all, and of course the Australian dollar. So do follow that over the next 12 months. Also in the bin, Christmas has been cancelled. We, an obituary for this year's Christmas, Christmas has been the latest victim of cancel culture, John. Oh, yes. And it's not just governments canceling Christmas in a selfish effort not to have to explain massive death rates for the whole of next year. But cancel culture was cancelled Santa Claus due to animal cruelty allegations, the exploitation

of workers and a lack of equal opportunity provision in his workforce. And, you know, the Christmas story from the Bible, right for cancellation, I would say, John. Oh, yeah. You know, the express is extremely prejudicial views about Jewish run-ins, offering unlicensed midwifery services and unhygienic birthing suites. Three wise men, not exactly diverse, and with their non-sustainable frankincense as well, and non-fair trade-gold and mwork at easily trick a people who've ever been really cold and can't hear the syllable mrrr without suffering serious flashbacks.

Those sections in the bin. The fact, Danny, that you've not released a crypto currency and called it a bugle buck shows that you've just never really been in this for the money, in the extent that you know you should have been. Yeah, yeah, I mean that is so to... I mean it did take us pretty much four and a half years to get a new lot of merch After the old lot of merch turned out to have a quitter built into the logo. Top story this week. What the f*** has happened since you were lost on the bugle? John, I mean, it's been a while.

It's been a while. A lot of stuff has happened. On one of the very last bugle shows you did, we talked about the Republican candidates for the 2016 election, which was still sometime got ridiculous candidates that were really disappointed. All fans of American democracy would have degraded

the political legacy of the USA, the likes of Rick Santorum, Marka Rubio, Ben Carson, we talked about George Patarki, a joke candidate. Obviously, who at the time was way out in the betting at 50 to one alongside Donald Trump. And yet he was polling at Pataki levels. Well, in the betting certainly. So here we are. I mean, you left the bugle, John. Yes. Trump got elected. Brexit happened, and there's been a worldwide pandemic. I mean, it's, I mean, you say, you know,

correlation is not causality, but as of that's a f*** of a lot of pretty, pretty negative evidence for you, that man. Yeah, well, it's been, you know, you can't deny it's been a spicy half of a decade, Andy. This five years was a lot of things, but it wasn't dull. You know, it was reckless. True. Yes. It was inhumane. Yes. It was an amplification of some of the humanity's darkest instincts. It was a distinct natural end point to late stage capitalism, but it was not boring, Andy. There was some real edge of the seat stuff. It's all Brexit. The election of Bolsonaro and Trump, a pandemic and the boom and bust of the fidget spinner.

Now, the fact is politics and culture has changed forever. I'm sorry I couldn't have been with you Andy, I've been for years too fiddle while rone burned. But at least I can get my violin out of a case now and screech out a song. You've been throwing petrol on the violin, John. I'll also even make sense, but I'm sticking with it. So here we are. We're coming up now. End of December 2020, Trump is coming up to the final month of his first turn.

And because let's not rule out that second term, John, whether it starts on January the 20th this year or in, you know, the day after that, through the medium of divine intervention, because I mean, he was, he's been unfairly robbed, he's not thinking of a second election when merely by the fact that he didn't win. You're not thinking that that's the kind of injustice that we, too much, he should be trying to move beyond. Well, you know, if you don't think of justice as binary, Andy, if you think of it, you

know, there are lots of shades of gray there, then you know, there's lots of shades of grey to work with. Also, just to pick you up, I really wouldn't rule out a third. Girds, John Trump term already. Words don't mean what they use to. I don't really see why numbers should either. There's a lot more wiggle room, some antically than you might think now. But, but, but, I mean, since you all on the Beagle last, John, America has basically become a much derided, even kind of sympathized with rogue state. And New Zealand has essentially become a global superpower. So how can you explain that?

New Zealand is a global superpower. And the idea, I know their current leader has some leadership skills. The idea that John Key ever led superpower, the canary in the coal mine there is coughing and already building itself a little coffin. I will say though, this week saw some small but significant news. And because the official electoral college vote was held here in the United States to determine the next president. The president's stuff. Yeah, well, usually it is a routine procedural step that takes place in which no one notices

due to the fact it's a routine procedural step of who really gives a shit about those. But that's very much not been the case this year, due to the fact that the current of the United States is still refusing to accept the results of this election. Not just that, he's also continued to act like a one-man wrecking ball to the very foundations of American democracy, swinging back and forth, and smashing into institutions that you desperately hope

are going to hold up. But do seem to be exhibiting some worry in cracks. Now, I'm not sure if everyone understands America's electoral college system in the UK. And to be honest, I'm not sure if everyone understands America's electoral college system in the UK, and to be honest, I'm not even sure anyone really understands it here in America either. And the reason for that is really twofold. It's both complicated, and it's also completely nonsensical.

So I can't take the time now to fully explain it to you. But to be honest, you would just really be left with the same question you have right now, which is probably, well, why the fuck do they do it like that? To it, there isn't really a good answer other than, well, this is just the way it's been done for a long time, which historically is a response that has been used to justify some pretty appalling behaviour. Well, also, I'm sitting here in London. I'm sitting a few short bars from Westminster, the houses of Parliament, and Boris f Boris fucking Johnson sitting in Downing Street,

riffing out his somewhat overwritten, parody, private internship. It's not really for me, as a bridge criticised, a ridiculous electoral system, a hundred years past its best before date, or not so much its best before date, it's still vaguely just about sensible until date. As you said, it's one of those things

that if you invented it now, the electoral college system, people would quietly take you to one side and say, how about you shut the f*** up and still you've got some sensible and grown-up to say you total f*** idiot. Yeah, that's, that is the beauty with having a system gradually metastasized over time. You don't realise how stupid it is until you're inside it and you think it should have been this way all along. But the fact is, it's very much what happened with the bugle to me. The fact is, this vote happened and the election is now close to being more over than it was last month when it was to be honest already over.

And the Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who is, I think he's fair to say, Andy, not a perfect man. Finally, publicly acknowledged that Trump was not going to get a second term this week, saying on the Senate floor that today I want to congratulate President-elect Joe Biden. What McConnell seems to have received credit in some quarters for his speech, it really should be taken with an absolute avalanche of salt because how grateful should you be for something that is 40 days late for no good reason. If you went out to dinner Andy, the waiter took your order, then over a month later turned

up at your house with a plate of cold carbonara. Should you be required to say thank you or are you allowed to scream, where the f*** was this? 960 hours ago. What'd he be doing all this time? Because make no mistake, Andy. Mitch McConnell's speech is the cold carbonara of congratulations messages. And I mean, how does he cook that carbonara? Because I mean, if it's sending like my carbonara, I'd still take it after a month. I mean, I'd make a very fine twist and nutmeg.

That's the absolute key. Absolute. And also it makes it kosher, I believe. For sure. That's just wow. That understanding of kosher and he really does embody the way that you have stuck to rigorous Jewish teachings over the years. For his part, Senate Democratic leader Chuck Schumer urged Mr. Trump to end his term

with a modicum of grace and dignity. And look, I get why he feels he has to say that, Andy. But everyone knows that's just not going to happen, is it? Because for all his faults, Donald Trump has been completely consistent across his lifetime in showing absolutely no inclination to even trace amounts of grace and dignity to him. And the grace and dignity has as much a place in a human life as you think Pineapple has on a pizza. The idea of that very combination turns

his stomach and offends him to his fundamental core. And yet, despite the fact that Schumer must have known that his message would be just as effective, if he'd wrote it on a piece of paper, then swallowed that piece of paper and then thrown himself down a well. He went on with his in treaty, saying, for the sake of our democracy,

for the sake of peaceful transition of power, he should stop the shenanigans, stop the misrepresentations, and acknowledge that Joe Biden will be our next president. And again, that just isn't going to happen, is it? You're asking him to do something, he's physically incapable of doing. He's like trying to start a band with an antelope. You can ask it to play bass all you like, but it's got hooves, Andy. It's got hooves. A pealy toy to do a serviceable walking bass line actually says, more about your misplaced expectation of it

than it does about that Antelope's future failure. Or I can probably do a job on a tambourine, can I? You put some bells on his antlers. Sure, that's not how it landish, mate. Andy, you're building a straw man here. I did not say an antelope would not be an excellent tambourine player. I said, you're not going to put, you can strap a

base around its neck, but from that point on you're asking for too much, how much practical research did you do into that, John? That's what I want to know. Well, I've, I've tried myself Andy on research now, so I'm not going to tell a joke, unless I have a room just back here with 14 different antelope, with bass, cap, and then, who are in a controlled setting right and then another room with another 14 where someone else is running because this is the joke has to look it has to be fundamentally solid. One of them one of them unhelpfully got pretty good at the bass but I think that was an outlier.

I think you let that go. Are we talking only bass could I talking right up right bass? I mean, because you think that might actually... High strong bass, Andy. Like Peter Hook in the order. But this is, this is your problem with this. You surely, with an antelope, you use the antlers, you arrest your double bass in the antlers and it uses its other hoof to... I just, I think you've got your experimentation has been... Your methodology's flawed. Shit, Andy. Excuse excuse me for a minute I need to go to a

apologize doesn't very angry and to lope but the fact is so the fact is nothing in Trump's behavior this week has suggested that he is an open receptacle for McConnell's request he's gone on a Twitter tear again amplifying conspiracy theories and replied to Mitch McConnell by tweeting at 12.40am, which is really the best time for human beings to tweet. He said, Mitch, 75 million votes are record for a sitting president, brackets by a lot, close brackets too soon to give up. And the thing is, it is true Andy. He did get 75 million votes. And that is, he's right.

It is a lot. But he is leaving a pretty crucial piece of context there, and that is that five and got seven million more votes than he did, and that fact really does throw a spanner into the washing machine of the rest of his sentence there, because unless I'm very much mistaken, the rules of the election were not, which candidate can get closest to exactly 75 million votes but be careful,

because if you go over, you're then disqualified. If I am mistaken about that, Andy, Trump has a real case here, but I am surprised that I'm only hearing about it now through my own face. So, I mean, yeah, Joe Biden has been confirmed as the Hercules for our times to clean up the four years of political and social effluence

in Trump's Orgian stables. I mean, there's always talk about cleaning the swamp, John, when Donald Trump, er, heroically took over. Drining it, draining it, and he never said he'd clean it. He was, he was, he wasn't interested, he wanted the swamp out of there. He did, he wasn't just trying to purify the water and bring the natural bacteria back. Because it seems to me that he's drained the swamp very much

in the same way that a doctor would give you an enema by shoving a large rocket up your fundament and blasting you into a quarry full of shit. That seems to be the way that he's, is it an accurate representation? Well, you mean that you can technically call what you're doing in enema, but the result just doesn't fundamentally back that claim up. Yeah, I mean, if anything, it's made things worse, hasn't it? Yes, you keep saying you've given me an enema. Why am I in a quarry?

No, that's... Oh, I'm in a quarry. You have to be able to answer a question like that. Now, the next big procedural step here comes on January the 6th. That is when Congress is supposed to officially tag the results and certified Biden's victory. And they have been caused from Trump and his allies

for that certification to be held up. Cause that McConnell is now trying to manage by reportedly holding a conference call with his fellow Senate Republicans urging them to not participate in any efforts to object to Biden being certified as the winner of the election. He was backed up by Senator John Thune who apparently said it would be great if there were no members that took up that issue. And I agree with Senator Thune there, Andy. It would be great. I mean, what would be great if there were no members that took up that issue. And I agree with Senator Thuner Andy. It would be great. I mean, what would be even greater? Would be if Republican leadership had not allowed their party to get to the point where

any of this even needs to be said out loud. But it does seem like we've all been a little disappointed on that count. And I have to say, it really is not easy to hear them complain about the behavior of their membership when they are so infatically complicit in creating this mess. It's like the old saying goes, Andy, if you're running a circus, don't complain if the elephants are shitting everywhere. It's what they do, and it's your fault that they're in the f***ing tent in the first place. Let's move on to the correct side of the Atlantic and another thing that plopped out into the world and the chaotic vacuum left across the globe by or departure from the bugle.

Brexit negotiations as we speak of going to the wire and that wire is barbed, it's electrified as well and in classic British fashion, the ruling classes are more than happy to just hold people into that barbed wire to see what happens and then wait hopefully for America to bail us out. I mean, John, you've been, you've been, you left this country along 2006 and, you know, we, Boris Johnson is prime, prime minister, but Boris Johnson, John is prime, prime minister John. I'll have to have two people named Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson is...

There was a politician that emerged, a viable politician called Boris Johnson, that emerged at the same time, as that ridiculous, ridiculous man who edited the spectator for a while. And it wasn't, no, it's unfortunately not two separate people. It's that same, yeah, it's unfortunately not two separate people. It's that same, yeah, it's a man who in his previous career

could not be trusted with a typewriter has now been trusted with a country and its entire future. I mean, it's a show. Yeah, it's suboptimal, I think, from a British point of view. Again, Andy, I mean, it's a difficult, as someone who now holds both British and American passports,

you know, it just feel like I have a foot in each, in two countries, neither of which, have been made in some very smart, long-term political decisions of light. Yeah, you've got a foot in each country and there is shit over both of those shoes. I mean, he's at the moment, clearly, with Brexit. It's a difficult job. He's trying to steer HMS Brexit over the troublesome seas between the silhouette of sense and the career of dissonance, making sure he doesn't tragically found on either of those two

terrifying fates. And can instead sail onwards into the ocean of national obsolescence. These are, these are strange. I mean, has it? I don't know how, you know, how it's viewed in America. And there's a lot of talk about, you know, Britain kind of, you know, going global again and on the talk of the trade deal that might not be quite so good under, under Biden. I mean, what, how do you see the next few years panning out for us? I mean, I've got absolutely no idea, Andy, because I don't know if you've Googled a miracle over the last 12 months, but it's been dealing with its own shit right now.

So there might have been even some more curiosity in the early days of Brexit. I think they would check in every now and then saying, oh, have they not done that yet? And so I don't think there is really a popular understanding that the cliff edge that Britain is about to Thelma and Louise itself off is coming up if I'm right on December 31st. That is when the hard Brexit is you're basically going to be jumping off a cliff and then into a solid brick wall. Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, that was not just, it's a solid brick wall, but it's at the bottom of the cliff. So we've actually got quite a fun Oh, that's a float float down. I think we'll float. I don't we'll just yeah till till the brick wall But you know brick brick walls are not we're built on brick walls. I mean what is the what is the mood in in Britain?

Andy regarding Brexit is it confidence? Well traditionally if Britain goes into into any any adventure with anything less than massive overconfidence. Things tend not to go very well. They tend not to go that well. I don't know if you can say it's confidence. I think where the mood is very much a mood of a room full of people, well a room full of men really, all naked, with a load of electrical sockets. And half the people in there want to put their penis in the sockets. Right. And the other half of the people don't, but are being forced to put their penis, pinnises in those sockets because they lost a vote about whether or not they had to f*** the sockets

four and a half years ago. So it's that kind of, I don't know if you can imagine that awkward, we didn't go to the same type of school that I went to, you say, probably enough quite, such a lively kind of thing. I'm not sure that it's a metaphor that, I'm not sure that it's a metaphor that, I'm not and I've quite such a lively kind of thing. And Sandy, this is just rolling right off the tip of your tongue, this is not a bad business, but I'm not sure that it's a metaphor that necessarily feels innate to many. No.

But it's an interesting choice we're going to have to make, really, because if you look at it objectively, the position Britain is going to be on the first of January, alone as a country, we'd look around and look at countries that we could do business with. And, you know, obviously we want to be the new Singapore. And that's not that practical really. You know, there's countries that we could trade with more like Australia and New Zealand, but they're miles away.

And then you think, well, there's a massive, great trading block, 25 miles away. Why don't we? Why don't we give that a go? That would seem to be the logical. And that surely, that would be the compromise that would please both sides, wouldn't it? I mean, I do think at this point, that the smartest bet, which is obviously

one isn't going to get taken, is to try and george a castanze way back into the EU and just keep turning up to meetings and pretend that nothing happened. LAUGHTER Go foranzor on this. Yeah. Well, what were you talking about Brexit? What would we do that? You'll be weird. Anyway, what were you saying about tariffs? Let's move on to the story that's defined this year, the COVID virus. Now obviously with the scientific and economic resources at America's and Britain's disposal, you would have expected both of our countries to deal with this virus.

Well, I mean, much less well than most of the world's poorest nations. So it's gone pretty much as you would have thought, don't you think? Yeah, I mean, we live in countries, and you and I, who've responded to this pandemic, has basically been throwing a dart, missing the massive bull's eye, missing the board, and hitting someone in the coronary artery. I guess it could have been worse,

but it's obviously hard to imagine exactly how. Responses here in the US and the US. Well, particularly that person that it's here is ourselves. We just held a dart. That's right. It's very hard to do, very hard to do under the conditions that your luxuries in the luxurious position to have. It's hard to do it that badly. A response is in the US, Andy, have ranged from the sinister to the truly stupid. Here

in America, the obsession with protecting the stock market has helped America's, basically, state of market worship has moved it into a fully functioning death cult. There have been many well-documented cases of individualism being taken to a genuinely dangerous degree here over the last nine months. And while I know that the UK is not without cases of homicidal stupidity, I do think this is another case where American exceptionalism is at play. Let's play a hand of pandemic poker here, Andy. I see your government ministers not following their own coronavirus guidelines. And I'll raise you this.

41 people tested positive for coronavirus after attending a swingers convention in New Orleans. Wait, there is in a very real sense, Andy, more. The convention was apparently called naughty in New Orleans, which to be fair did turn out to be true. It was Naughty, it was very Naughty behaviour. You could argue criminally so. And around 250 people attended this convention in mid-November. One of the infected swingers was reportedly hospitalized in a serious condition,

and the events organiser wrote in his blog, if I could go back in time, I would not produce this event again. I wouldn't do it again. If I knew then, what I know now. And while I do appreciate that sentiment and it's important for all of us to love my mistakes. It is worth noting that this event took place

in f***ing November. You know, the exact November that was last month, a time when we were talking, the dangers of holding such an event were fully understood. Was he, did this organizer, honestly not hear about the coronavirus until just this month, was he simply too horny all year to turn on the news? Was the pandemic not even mentioned

in any of the bang fiesters I assume he spent the whole year attending? It must have been, how does pre-orgy small talk Andy not include the biggest thing happening to the planet at that time? Because he's worth noting, just to be clear, I guess it's just safest to be clear always now. And I's wide shut style orgy mask is not, I believe, on the list of WHO approved masks to come back to COVID. And I also think that would have been the less atmospheric film. I would have been a much less atmospheric film if everyone had been wearing M95 masks and socially distancing. What's the password? Yeah, I was good to know. And also wash your hands for at least two happy birthdays. But I mean, is it? I'm not fully up to, I'm just be with current trends

in the swinging scene. I'll name my cards on the table there. But I mean, is it, it must be quite hard to socially distance and effectively swing swing at the same that seems logistically problematic? It's, yeah, I mean, I don't know if the difficulty of the logistics are part of the thrill. Yeah. There's a lot I don't understand there, but maybe at the end of the day, we are trivialising what is essentially a group of very earnest problem solvers.

Yes, I guess so. And here we there's a lot of debate over exactly the circumstances in which you are allowed to meet people from outside your social bubble, whether that's to see your elderly parents at Christmas or to a load of strangers. And they're very much two sides of the same coin, they got the government sort of still trying to find a way of canceling Christmas that involves giving a lucrative contract to a close friend of the Prime coin, the government sort of still trying to find a way of canceling Christmas that involves giving a lucrative contract to a close friend of the Prime Minister and they haven't quite nailed that yet. So the current situation, John, is that we are allowed

to go and visit our families at Christmas, but the government is saying that we shouldn't. So they're saying we can, but we shouldn't. Right. This is, I don't know, not so much sitting on the fence as slam dunking someone else onto that fence. The chief medical officer, Professor Chris Whittie, said these words about meeting up at Christmas just yesterday. And I think these words sum up in many ways the whole of this year. He said, just because you can do something doesn't mean it's sensible in any way. Now, I think that might be the most appropriate words, not just for 2020, but for everything that has happened since, like 2016, indeed, for the third millennium, for the history of

all humanity encompassing MPa and exploitate. If one phrase can sum up the human project so far from the day that God got bored and thought, I'll chuck some fucking people in it before I knock off the weekend. I think it would be these were just because you can do something doesn't mean it is sensible in any way. Can we not have this tagged onto the Ten Commandments, John? It's obviously not a commandment, it's more of a friendly advice. But then so with things I don't cover your neighbours' ox, that's an advice, that's a bit of advice, really. That's just practical kind of neighbourhood watch type advice, isn't it? Not just that, Andy, I think that should be a mandatory tattoo that people have. As a tattoo, it really works on every

possible level. We can have it in all religious texts, in the Magna Carta. You can, yeah, in America, you can use your contacts there. It's a newly unearthed second and a half for menmen just because you could do something. Doesn't mean it's sensible in any way. That goes very well with the second amendment, John. Surely that must have meant to be in there. Oh, God. All right. Okay. Those arbitrary guidelines, those are pretty good.

I'm pushing all my chips over the table here, Andy. Okay. Texas Monthly, Ron and I, I catching article this week titled this. Texas wedding photographers have seen some shit. And it is, this thing is a story that fully lives up to that headline, Andy, because there are some maddening anecdotes in there? This is how the writer, Emily McCullough, begins the story. The wedding photographer had already spent an hour or two inside with the unmasked wedding party, when one of the bridesmaids approached her, the woman thanked her for still showing up, considering everything that's going on with the groom. When the photographer asked what she meant by that, the bridesmaid said the groom had tested positive for COVID-19 the day before.

She was looking for me to be like, oh, that's crazy. Like I was going to agree with her that it was fine, the photographer recall. So I was like, what are you talking about? And she was like, oh, no, no, no, no, don't freak out. He doesn't have symptoms. He's fine.

And the photographer tested positive a few days later. It is hard to know Andy, what this period in human history is going to be called in the future People alive during the Renaissance didn't know that they were living during the Renaissance Best guess at the moment is we're currently living in the mid period of mankind's Wittery age and I dread to know what late stage Wittery brings us to there was no I think that is worldly optimistic job

I'm not so we've reached the mid stage yet. I think we've got a long way to go to get that far. I think we're still exploring the full extent of human idiociness. So, I mean, this is, this is like those early kind of 14th century frescoes, just a little while away from the cysteine chapel. You know, this is simple. We can get way more f***ing witted than this. You know, tangentially related this. There was a story I've read yesterday, but a study released in Australia that claimed that kangaroos can communicate with humans.

And if the sole message those kangaroos are currently communicating, is anything other than, what the f**king is wrong with you idiots? I am calling bullshit on that study. I was really a New York Times article about the British government's efforts to deal with this, the COVID crisis. And no, to the Boris Johnson was putting the country, this is back in March, on a quote's war footing.

Now, the difference, I guess with World War II II is I don't recall reading about how an entire squadron of fighter planes was provided by a cheese monger friend of Winston Churchill at eight times over the market rate before the melty cheddar jets prove no match for the Luftwaffe. I guess that's the difference. You know it's got a silly. Fog of war Andy details get forgotten. Fog of War Andy, details get forgotten. It could have happened. LAUGHTER I was another related story this week. Unicef is providing food for children in the UK

for the first time in the 70 year history of the organisation. I've had some unicef rather than the UK, which of course has been here since the very dawn of time. It's the first thing you've the very dawn of time. Absolutely. Absolutely. Don't listen to Julia Caesar. I mean, you can't. Why don't all languages be.

Some filthy foreign nonsense. So you, Eunice, have a feeding hungry children in, but now we're, Britain is one of the world's richest countries. But now Jacob Reese Mog. And you've done very well to leave the country before he became a real prominent politician, John. He's dismissed this as an act of political provocation. And he's right, you don't have no business.

If multi-millionaires like Jacob Riesmog, in a country with the collective wealth that Britain has, want to watch our own British children, Britishly starving, that is our own British business. This is why we voted for Brexit, John, so we can keep our own children as hungry as we deem appropriate for the overall good of the nation without a woke brigade at the UN sticking their bed wetting stop children starving or in.

And don't stick your f***ing or in anyway. We're team GB, we always win at rowing. Mostly with teams made up of people who were properly fed as children, but that's not a point. It's only by starving some children that we can get other children enough nutrition to grow into six foot six inch super athletes

designed and bred to triumphantly rob a two-meter rowing course as fast as an old man on a bicycle. But anyway, look, I'm not the point here. I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that particular Brexit argument, but I will say it is the first one that I've heard that is intellectually consistent. It's in John's bank life, but it's consistent.

I mean, Jacob Reece Mugg is not only the MP for West Caracature, he's also the secretary of state for the reestablishment of the 19th century. And what happened in the 19th century, John, Britain ruled the world, and we had loads of starving children. So butt out Brussels, was this Brussels, I don't know, they're all the same, these multinational institutions, butt out Brussels, was this Brussels, I don't know, they're all the same, these multinational institutions butt out

Sexy frog news now and John things have been hot for frogs in France And I don't mean in the frying pan with some garlic normal. I mean hot sexy hot so hot that a French judge has told frogs to stop Frogshacking because they're keeping an entire village awake with their vigorous inter-frogling. This is probably the biggest story of the year. I mean, it's an absolutely tremendous story, Andy. Is it important? No. Is it the kind of story the world should be focusing on right now?

Honestly, not really. Does it seem worth spending time on it anyway? Of course it does, because this is a story about a bunch of noisy French f**k frogs, Andy when a man is tired of a story about that he's truly tired of life. Apparently after nine years of legal battles Michelle and Annie Pechahas have been instructed that they have exactly 90 days to drain their 300 square meter pond and get rid of their f**k frogs and I tell you what I might hear about it. Drain the swamp. This is actually Drain the swamp.

What I admire about this is that this lawsuit continued through this year, because there must have been a temptation once the world was gripped by a global pandemic to think, you know what? You know what? Let's forget it. Let's just forget it, because at the end of the day, they're just

f*** frogs. Let's just live and let live. There are more important issues to be getting worked up about right now. And I'm sure that, you know, for a moment, probably early in the spring, you know, that must have been tempting. But then I'm guessing that a few months later, I'm going to mid-summer day, when the neighbours woke up early in the morning, enjoyed a high quality pastry with a high quality coffee and then opened their windows to let the sweet door-doin air in. Only to be greeted by the sound of grunting f*** frogs attempting to clumsily and pregnant each other in the middle of a filthy pond.

They must have thought, you know what? F*** it! F*** these f*** frogs! Don't tell me that they couldn't do this quieter. This feels like a choice. in the middle of a filthy pond. They must have thought, you know what? F**k it. F**k these f**k frogs. Don't tell me that they couldn't do this quieter. This feels like a choice. We're going back to courts. Ha ha ha.

We're in Britain. We have such backlogs in our legal system that actual major crimes not being prosecuted for the two, three, three years, but France, France will, if it involves a, frogs and b, things having sex with each other, they will find a way involves a, frogs and b, things have a sex with each other. They will find a way, John, up the priority list. A petition to save these frogs has now reached more

than 97,000 signatures in the last three days. That is 96,500 more people than living that village. And there's a reason for that, Andy, because France is fundamentally forgetting what it is at its core here. It's a nation unafraid to celebrate the pleasures of the flesh. Frog flesh included. If these f**k frogs, Andy, cannot rot each other,

precisely 63 decibels, because that's a barrel. 63. That, apparently, around the volume of a washing machine, apparently. That's what it was timed as. But John, I mean, you're much more of an expert on extremely loud and fibiological sex. Thank you. It's the 63 decibels. It was that from all the frogs,

or was it from one particularly horny pair of frogs going absolutely, frogs sex crazy? I really love the idea. And all the frogs are quiet apart from one. And there was, we're going to lose our swamp. I love you're a great frog, you're a great frog, but you're going to get us kicked out of the swamp. But the thing is Andy, if they can't do that, if the frogs cannot pound each other at 63

decibels in France, where in the world can they do that. If the frogs cannot pound each other at 63 decibels in France, where in the world can they do it? Don't worry, the answer is Belgium. They can do it there. It's about an eight hour drive from door to door. I don't know what that is in hops, but I'm sure frogs have a pretty good internal conversion chart. Go to Belgium frogs. Or New Orleans. Yes, that's true. Oh, these copulating permits was originally an ex-rated burlesque tribute act to the CIA operative, Kermit Roosevelt's role in the overthrow of the Iranian Prime Minister, Maha bin Mata, back in the city. That's a really interesting detail, I'm glad you wanted to truffle that out.

Glad you wanted to truffle that out. LAUGHTER MUSIC Well, it's an early time for this special edition of the Bugle to come to an end. And, well, I hope you'll be able to come back on at some point next year. John, will you miss Trump? Not on any level? No. We're not on any sensory level whatsoever. Yeah. So, I think I'll miss him and all the members of his administration, if that's

the right word, the cabinet members, the personal lackeys and the Lixbitls. In fact, I was invited to a special Christmas leaving to the White House, the president, and which all of his administration is right now. Well, there, you you know it's major staff with there I mean all the other and you can actually see it now you we didn't used to do this on video calls now you can see it's really nice John. Seeing

upon his worst. All all is the president and all his staff were there and some other folks who anyway he said about barbecue we are barbecue the cheaper meat first then stayed the post stuff for later he said to me Andy it's time for the sirloin I've done all Trump done all Trump anyway but he wanted to look good for the occasion of course the president and I had some Botox treatment and plastic surgery on the lower part of his face beneath the

mouth they said the muscles were a bit torched it was hard to move he said it's a bit stiff manoo chin thank you I think it's got a bit torched still, it was hard to move. He said it's a bit stiff manoo chin. Thank you. Things got a bit fractured. Actually an argument broke out about the Trump campaigns failed court cases. Led to a very foul mouthed employee of Santa Claus and the former Governor of California and famous action movie star agreeing to a Hamilton Burst-style settlement of with pistols at dawn. It was Rudolph Julling Arney. I don't know, I don't know, that's the correct response to that, John. Anyway, before it started, Trump wrote a to-do list, some agreement, some disagreement about how to amplify the sound, some of the sound system,

and the degree to which the ceremony should be impressively grand, and then he wanted to deal with any other issues not covered by those. So he wrote on his list, Mike Pomp, AOB. deal with any other issues not covered by those. So he wrote on his list, Mike, Pomp, A, O, B. And we had a bit of a bit of an argument about. That's not okay. That's not okay. That one. I don't know why that was worse. I couldn't explain to you why, but I felt it. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, we had a bit of a debate because we were still waiting a bit time to kill. So we talked about sport because Trump obviously likes this sport. The struggles of the Philadelphia Eagles replacing vents there, Franchise quarterback and he said, Andy,

do you think they were right to bench Carson? There we go. He had a collection of the female deers in the White House grounds. He was so proud of them. He gave them a score out of every 10, depending on how perky they looked. And he invited me to join him. He said, Andy, would you like to mark my dose? And finally, it's very interesting in science, of course, Trump. He told me one of the many research projects he's personally overseen was to involve showing that fish and trees actually share some of the same genetic makeup he explained. The different types of skin of different breeds of fish is evolutionarily descended from the different barks of different trees.

Those fish with jeans from oak trees or redwoods have smoother skin, but the U-jeans scalear. And that was surely worth the journey, wasn't it, John? Andy? Yeah. I think I've made it clear. If you're not a snow plow, you can f*** the f*** off. LAUGHTER

Anyway, Angela Merkel's there as well. not a snow plow, you can f*** the f*** off. LAUGHTER Anyway, Angela Merkel was there as well. And I spoke to her because Trump suddenly went... Is he still going? For all the drinks? Yes, he's still going. He suddenly remembered he hadn't settled up for the drinks and he panicked and got his words mixed up. Bill Barr, he said,

but Merkel was there and all the female world leaders who dealt with Trump were there too And for a kind of parlor game there to write down adjectives that described the way that Trump treated them I asked Merkel what she thought would be most likely to have made that list and she said Andy I would be surprised if first Chivalrous was one of Andy you are beating a cremated horse I would be surprised if Chvelress was one of those words. I'd put money on considerate, not being one of them, but I bet CD Vos.

Right, I'm now done anyway. Trump was a bit savannahful and left. He said goodbye as always in Italian, but unenthusiastically, it was definitely a lame chow. Just Google weather. Hold on. Just Google weather, puns for a war crime, and it's not clear yet. Yeah, you sound annoyed. I think I'm about to get barrack to You showed the patience of Joe by getting your time Chris. You have the power. Stop this for the common good. Stop it. Let's just conclude and these words seem more appropriate now even than earlier in the show just because you can do something doesn't mean it's sensible in any way Yeah, yeah

So I couldn't I couldn't let you coming back on the view of go with that one of them John Well just to remind you why you left just to remind you why you left in the first Yeah, you're you're very conveniently taking agency out of the decision that you just made there You're very conveniently taking agency out of the decision that you just made there I'm a press the 21st century. That's what we do John, it's been an absolute pleasure To have you fabulous. I'd love to see you It's great to be back in the past

Yeah, yeah, sure yeah, and you and the world And you Chris you Chris, but generally just as a as the planet, you know It's let's let's aim a little higher. Bye! Goodbye, viewers. We'll play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers. Before the lies won fact, you're about to buy that ticket for the Bugle Library review of the year show on the 30th of December. It also makes the ideal Christmas present if you can't make it out to the shops or just can't be asked to go and buy anything. If you want something to wrap up, just make a paper mache, lifestyle, sculpture of me, Alice Nish and NATO, and a scale model of the world, and that should

get the message across. Go to thebuegallpodcast.com where you can also join our voluntary subscription scheme and make recurring or one-off donations to support the show. Here are your lies. Christian Wolfe is worried about the number of satellites in orbit, and reckons we need to start building them like pieces of a giant jigsaw that can slot together in space. Christian explains, I reckon within one, maybe two thousand years, 50% of the sky will be satellite, so we have to start being smart about things or it's going to get very messy indeed.

It's also obviously very important, adds Christian, not to lose a piece of that jigsaw, because that is extremely annoying. LD Nicholas May thinks it might help society in general if everybody and Nicholas means everybody had to do a sort of national service that involves being a private detective. I think we'd all benefit, says Nicholas, from honing our skills for examining evidence and information and imagine the number of awesome detective novels that would probably eventually emerge. Steve Decker, however, says that the last thing the world needs is more detective novels. If we're going to force people to do something compulsory like that, so Steve, I think

it should be one or more of being a brain surgeon, a football referee, and an air traffic controller. Explaining his reasoning, Steve says, I haven't really thought this through, but they're all jobs that I've had recurring nightmares about having to do with no training, so from a purely personal perspective, I think it would help if it had some experience. Someone known only as Scrubble's Worth Fitzwit has always focused really, really hard when making a glass of orange squash or other fruit cordial. It's something I've done since childhood, says Scrubble's Worth.

Often, it used to say, concentrate on the bottle, so I did, and I still do. I assume that instruction was there because the cordial was so fruity it could corrode human skin, so it had to be really, really on it to avoid spillages. Scrubble's worth adds morocally, I wish all products had helpful advice like that on their labels. Erin Todd hopes that the unstoppable march of technology does not result in the photocopier becoming obsolete. Sure, says Erin, there might come a time when we no longer actually need the photocopier, but to my mind there is no sweeter form of entertainment and relaxation than standing next to a photocopier as it rhythmically turns out a thousand copies

of a poster announcing that you have no missing pets to worry about, or 500 cancellation notices for a party you never really intended to hold, the noise, the sound irreplaceable. And finally, John Lorenz managed to secure a job at an interview once by claiming that his intended to hold, the noise, the sound irreplaceable. And finally, John Lorenz managed to secure a job at an interview once by claiming that his personal hero was the Roman Emperor Fastidius Maximus, famously the Emperor with the most obsessional attention to detail. John was caught off guard by a who's your personal hero question, and he didn't want to give a hackney dancer like Nelson Mandela or my dad or my

mum or your mum or Enrique Glacias so he improvised impressively with the made-up Emperor Fastidius. Nonetheless, John was surprised to be appointed Professor of Ancient History at Harvard University. Here end if this week's lies. Goodbye. 30th of December, buy your tickets now. Goodbye. 30th of December. Buy your tickets now.