The Bugle - Tendulkar Made India Horny

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

Andy is with Tiff and Anuvab to Mark India's path to most populous country. Plus, Jacinda Ardern bequats herself, sexy oyster news and Andy Murray is big, if you know what we mean.Why not listen to our new show, celebrating 15 years of Top Stories: https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/topstories.Featuring:Andy ZaltzmanAnuvab PalTiff StevensonProduced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world Hello, Bueglis. I'm Andy Zoltzmann as you should know by now if you've listened either to any of our previous episodes or the first six words of this one Welcome to issue 4,250 of the Buegl That's right 250 episodes since we relaunched in the episode

4,001 so we are just one short of a quarter of a percent through this 100,000 episode season, which is a start, but we are written this for the long haul, the estimated season end date, if we get through all 100,000 episodes, let me just work this out, is the year 4,250, if we do slightly more episodes per year than we've averaged so far, or start counting some episodes as full episodes. So, bit of a coincidence there, and something worth keeping an eye on. During the next two and a bit, from Packwell & Eams. Joining me today for our 250th episode, since we launched two very special guests, legends of their art forms, such a privilege to have them on the show. Firstly, from Spain, Titan of the Baroque Arts, in its painter, Diego

Velazquez, and from France, the posthumously influential 17th century moral philosopher, Gabriel Souchon. Welcome, both of you to the show. Hang on, man, Dave. What's the problem? Both of them are dead. Dead? I can't be talking to the story about the Fortnite story. Right. Could you not have broken that news a little more sympathetically, Chris? With their agents both said they were not busy doing anything else.

That was true. Could we get anyone else in it this late notice? Oh, I'll rustle around quickly. Alright, just try and make it fast. Right, well that's all sorted now, so stepping in at the last minute to replace Diego and Gabriela who will try and get on if we can sort out what appears to be a contractual issue more than anything else. Please welcome from India, Anivab pal, and from further north in London, Tiffany Stevenson. Hello, both of you. Oh, it's so nice to be considered for booking after a dead man. Anivab, how are things? And if you were just telling us before we start recording about some exciting developments

in Mumbai. I was Andy. I was a demographic in here, but I'm sure we will through the podcast. There's a giant construction project going on across all Indian cities. And right outside my house, there is a massive JCB digger digging up a perfectly normal road to make it an even better road as was. But our Prime Minister recently made an announcement that nothing of any value was built in the last 800 years.

So he's decided to build it all in six weeks. By the way, the sound is going. He's decided to build all of it outside my house. But just to let you guys know, I had a pretty good winter holiday. I went to the mountains where I met a spiritualist who was standing on his head and he told me that my previous life, I was a very noted French philosopher. So I have showed up in a different incarnation on this podcast. Okay.

Well, that's good, there. Tiff, do you know what you were doing in your previous incarnations? Oh, I would like to have been a French philosopher as well. I think probably Sartre, because I do agree that hell is other people. So, and that we are condemned to be be free and all of my choices are somehow a condemnation. Also, Sartre should have gone to spec savers, didn't have great glasses.

If I was going to pick a dead French philosopher to be, then I think it would be him. Right. Well, there you go. I think this could become a recurrent segment on the bugle, actually, is finding out what our guest co-hosts either actually did or would like to have done in their previous lives. So I'll do email us in this, and I'll wait for your experiences. I could answer a couple of the questions in this very... You might ask me a question and I would say what is the point of even beginning to answer when existence is pointless in and of itself. Well, that's an impressive realistic start to this week's show. But, you know, I guess that's just probably the appropriate way to deal with the world as we see it today.

We are recording on the 23rd of January, 2023. On this day, in the year 393, the Roman Emperor Theodosius I proclaimed his eight year old son, Honorius, as Coempera, which, I mean, that is, I don't know, a tiger parenting, that, I mean, that is really putting pressure on your kids. Maybe we're too indulgent these days, but they could be some kind of middle ground between, you know, the modern day style of parenting and making your eight-year-old child co-emperor, presumably there was, you know, a conversation between Theodosis and his kid kid you're eight years old now It's time you started taking on a bit of extra responsibility No, I don't mean captaining the school football team. No, I don't mean doing your homework unsupervised

And no, I don't mean tidying room without having to be asked and learning to make your own back lunches I mean running the fracturing and pre-liquid behem off it is late fourth century rub and empire Yes, you can have an extra ice cream if you're emperor. Yes, you can have an extra half an hour a day on your tablet. Now do we have a deal? So yeah, big, I didn't go entirely well, I believe, under the watch of Hanoius Rome was sacked

in the age of 10. So, as always, section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a rock music questions section, the great questions of rock music answered factually for you in our special pullout section, including questions such as, should I stay or should I go? The answer depends, but err on the side of going, about do bear in mind a change of scene isn't always what's required. How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man? Zero, it's not relevant.

Is there life on Mars? Now mate, look at the f*** place, would you want to live there? Isn't she lovely? That's entirely subjective to find your terms. In the mortal words of the who? Who are you? Do not answer that until your Laura is arrived. Can I kick it?

Yes, but you can't shoot directly yourself. It's an indirect free kick. And where did you sleep last night in a slightly disappointing Airbnb? Could I add two to those Andy? What's she going to look like with a chimney on her? Big existential question of the time. And what if you turned up at the jungle and Axel Rose was there to welcome you? Right. Well I don't know, I guess you questions would be asked. Mr you know does he have the authority to act as gay keepers to the entire jungle? Why do fools fall in love? Well fools are still capable of romantic emotion. I'm not saying they're desserts, full in love, but they do. Will you still need me? Will you still feed me what I'm 64?

Will you, if you're asking this question politically, the answer is almost certainly no. All the only people, whether they all come from, or many of them come from war-torn regions, or countries with oppressive governments, or areas of economic failure. and we need to take a grown-up approach to the entire political issue. Anyway, that section is in the bin. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B world. Now Anuvab speaking as just one person out of the approximately 1.4 billion in India now, how exciting is this for you? Because it is estimated that this 2023 will be the year that India takes over from China as the country with the most people in it, not just on the planet but in the as-yet-discovered universe. How is it in the dealing with this? I don't know if it's an upgrade or a trauma or something between the two? Well we've got 1.4 billion people and and and once I knew we were going to discuss this I just thought I'd give you three very specific individual

examples of just how many people we have. Okay. So, if you want to know how many people have in this country and I want to sat in a train carriage in rural India meant for three people. A sign said, any more than three people is unlawful. When we started the journey, there were three people. When we ended, there were 14 people in a small goat. On the way out one person scratched out three people and wrote 14 in its place. That is how you accommodate a lot of people. This country is so crowded and if you see a road sign that says dead end nothing to see here 14 people will be staring at it. And this is just a fact there's a town called

Joshi Muth in North India where last week the entire town was sinking because of too much construction and too many people. In fact, this week, the most Google phrase in India was, what are the Indian towns with sync and by when? Right, so I can see that's a bit of a logistical issue if you live in an Indian town. So, I mean, I guess, you know, there's a deal of prestige that comes with it. You know, barring a surprise outbreak of speed breeding in China or a sudden alien kidnapping of hundreds of millions of Indians, or a late surge from the log guides outside of Sweden or Saudi Arabia or Qatar just buying a billion people from both China and India just to

win the competition. India is going to be not just the country with the most number of not just the country with the largest number of inhabitants but win over various other awards, most elbows, most lungs. The right to be used in sentences such as if everyone in X stood on each other's shoulders, stroke heads, they would stretch to the moon and back stroke heads, they would stretch to the moon and back why times, and assuming, you know, we're doing this with India, if everyone in India, still on each other's heads and shoulders, it would stretch to the moon and back five times if they're standing on each other's heads, more like six and a half to seven if on the shoulders, which seems, you know, more likely to succeed.

I might have done a matter on that, actually, but anyway, the point is there's a lot of people in India. And also, I mean, it would be a logistical nightmare wouldn't it, not the getting everyone to stand on, I think it's more like three and a half times if they're on each other's shoulders. But anyway, it would be a logistical nightmare, Anivab, an act of economic cell sabotage, probably the kind of humanitarian disaster that

in former times you'd have needed an occupying imperial force to perpetrate. And also it's unlikely to succeed. The record levels, the record number of levels for a human pyramid is nine. And that's with a large base consisting of several people. You're looking at needing a quarter of a billion people or so on each other's shoulders just for one leg to the moon. So why is India trying to do this? That's what I want. I. Even if you use 182 meter high statues of people like the Sada Patel mega statue that we talked about in our radio foreshare a couple years ago, you'd still need two million giant statues standing on each other's heads. And it's not going to happen. So why is India concentrating so have I misunderstood this story? Why can India not just

just build a rocket? Well, I mean again, this is something we've discussed on this podcast, you know, we are obsessed with cheap space travel. And one thing cheaper than a rocket is just putting a person on top of a person. If you've seen some of our bus and train travel, we're far better traveling on top of the bus than inside it.

So if we can get loads of people to go to space, I mean, we don't need Elon Musk. We just need people. So we went the pro-creation way instead of the science way, which is a sort of science. It's terrifying to me because you're going to overtake, but it says the fertility rate has fallen substantially.

So I just want to, from a female perspective, take a moment to say the fertility rate is fallen in recent decades from 5.7 births per woman in 1950 to 2 births per woman today. Can I just say to 5.7, can we have a moment of watch the f*** right? And this is why I hate when idiots say like women, you know, we could put them in more positions but they just haven't achieved anything historically compared to men. Yes, we never had the pill dickheads, we just spent so many years being relentlessly pregnant, I cannot imagine having five children or the point seven either. Like, and also, same five point seven per woman, and I do think this is how it's all being reported, rather than per family, suggest like they're

doing it on their own, these women just like knocking up the population by getting pregnant. How are these women getting pregnant, you know, like, is it magic? And so that's like six years of being constantly pregnant, these women went through in, in like the 50s. And so I's like six years of being constantly pregnant. These women went through in like the 50s. And so I just think like that just, that blows my mind. And obviously China has reduced its growth comparatively

by only allowing one male child. I mean, they didn't specify one male child, but they didn't have to, did they? So we're in this climate crisis now where we've got too many people. And I've said this before on the podcast, but Plan B needs to start thinking of itself as Plan A and I do also think that if anywhere wants to slow their population boom down, we need to, it's time for a properly marketed and distributed male contraceptive pill. I

think it's your turn guys. Enjoy the mood swings! You know, because it's so funny isn't it? Because we've got this kind of population explosion in some places and then reproductive rights in America that have just like gone backwards again. And I believe soon, because I just feel like the burden of this is often on women, so it's women having the pregnancies, it's women giving birth to like many, many children when they may be already have children and risking themselves and then risking, you know, the family risking losing the mother. And I think what we're going to see soon, this is my thought is that we're going to see on dating sites,

especially in America and places like this, women aren't going to give a shit about photos of men's faces anymore. They'll just need to see a picture of a sector me scar. And it'll be like, because I'm not traveling three states to get an abortion. You better show me that sweet little nut scar. Otherwise, I am not DTF. So it feels mad. It feels mad to just think like how China has something like a third.

Is it China or is it the Asian continent? Yeah, India and China have between them about a third of the global population. About a third of the global population, yeah. And so over 65s are growing more rapidly than birth rates. So I think they were saying in 2050 we will have twice the amount of people over 65 than under five. And this matter is now making my head hurt. I can't, I can't, I can't get out. Well, well, you know, I was doing a little research in family history and my great-grandmother

had nine children and according to the old British census, it was born in 1990, they were the smallest family in the neighbourhood. So, you know, and it's funny you mentioned this too because in the 1970s, India had Indira Gandhi as its prime minister and her son And if you have any question, I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question.

I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. I would like to ask you a question. And unlike China, we're quite terrible at organizing things in the 70s. So instead of a lot of successful vasectomies, what we had was even more babies in the 1980s. So I don't know what was going on in those clinics, but we failed. I think it's not forcing anyone, is it?

I think it's like kind of showing the options that you have available. That's the problem, isn't it? You've got like forced, like in places like Romania, you have available, that's the problem, isn't it? You've got like forced, like in places like Romania, you have forced, forced pregnancies and period police and stuff like that with the child jescus. And then you've got forced sterilization, which is also a horrific human rights abuse. So, you know, like just making contraception

and family planning and option in places seems like it could be a good middle ground, then the people who want kids can have them, and then maybe not have more than they wanted to, and people that don't want them, don't have to have them. Yeah, somehow though, having the largest population in the world in one of the most polluted countries, you know, at a time where climate change is a crisis,

doesn't seem like the best option for the planet. LAUGHTER But you saying nine there, I think about my family. So my dad was one of five. My mum was one of three. But like, on my mum's side, the grandmother, I think she had like 13 children. My mum's grandmother, of which 11 survived.

So it's not like that was unique, I guess 5.7 birds per woman. It just sort of blows my mind as a modern woman to be pregnant for that log. A time is just sounds like utterly exhausting. People have been discussing the limit of possible population for hundreds of years. I mean, population essentially has long been the pair of possible population for hundreds of years.

Population essentially has long been the pair of elephants quietly humping in the corner of the room. Because how do you look at it? I mean, it's possible that the world could logistically cope with a 10 billion plus population, but then the question is, wouldn't be better for everyone if it didn't have to. And all of it is pointlessly moved anyway,

because we are where we are with 8 billion people and a collapsing environment and resources. And the social implications do all possible versions of our future as somewhere on a four-dimensional graphic between awkward, harrowing, tedious, and utterly catastrophic. So it's a very awkward political issue that is barely talked about and completely insoluble,

it seems to me. So I have one step son and a cat. So does that mean, is that a net positive? I'm just trying to work out for a good person, guys. Yeah, no, you're saving the world, essentially. I don't know if there's, if there are missions trading, like you have to get your carbon offset and... Yeah, you get cat credits.

I mean, the Japanese Prime Minister this week, addressing Japan's falling birth rate, says that if Japan is to be able to continue to function as a society, it is, quote, now or never to address this issue of birth rate, 28% of Japan's population is over 65. So are we now heading towards a world where essentially half of the global population are extremely old and the other half are looking after extremely old people and you know is this the utopia we've always dreamed of? Not entirely sure it is. We're all living longer which you know which is why the French are right to protest, like not getting a pension till 64 and they're protesting.

Yeah, there's a difficulty there, isn't there, that you can understand why people don't want to work longer, but at the same time, if we don't want to work longer, we're going to have to live less long as well, and that's a hard sell politically. I wouldn't want to go think of this. I mean 65% I think of the 1.4 billion in India under the age of 35. So, and I think if you drive anywhere in India, about 95% of them are making Instagram reels. So I mean should they have a thing for all the Indians like to go to Japan or like we'd be very happy to leave a granny and granddad trading scheme across the world.

Oh like a French exchange that's what we did at school we did the French exchange exchange trips just at the point where you think people are setting their ways you know like according to sort of thinking that as you get older, you get slightly more set in your ways. If you get sent somewhere that's so culturally different to where you're from, that could be quite cool, a cultural exchange, and like that, Andy. Yes. Well, wasn't there a big movie in the UK where a bunch of retirees came to Rajasthan?

I think it was called Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Yes. And then I think they made a TV show out of it where they tried to get a bunch of people to came to Rajasthan. I think it was called Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Yes. And then I think they made a TV show out of it where they tried to get a bunch of people to retire in India. Yeah, yeah. I'm not sure what in exchange we would send. We would send six influencers. I don't know if I'm... Well, as long as you're one of the manoeuvres, that's fine with me.

The Perth-Rain Britain, yeah, then at 1.6 per woman, but I think, I mean, there's a lot of evidence, I think, suggests that birth rates come down with increasing education of girls and freedom of choice for women in terms of how they live their lives and how they conduct their careers. But I think in Britain, the birth rates come down, because as a country, we try to avoid awkward conversations and conversations don't get much more awkward than your child coming up to you and saying, Hey guys, did you not look at the state of A, the world, be the country and see everything else before imposing on me a planet which I had at no point expressed a willingness to be born in. That is an awkward

conversation starter and seeking on some of our people are reluctant to put themselves in a position where they might have to answer that question from a cup of tea and a biscuit just doesn't quite cut it. You know there was a study across India to see what were our most popular states and you're absolutely right the more educated the state is the most scientifically progressive and less religious like Kerala or Tamil Nadu, less of the population. And our most popular state is Uttar Pradesh, which is in the northeast, which is about as large as Brazil. I think it's bigger than Brazil, just the state itself. And they went

around Uttar Pradesh asking people why they have so many children, and most of that place is just wide open space in farmland, and most of the people said there's nothing else to do in the evenings. Well I just assumed it because if you look at the comparative birth rates between India and China and China has come down and India says well it's come down but less. So India is overtaking China and what's the difference? The main difference between these two countries is that India has cricket and China. It's barely right there. Obviously cricket is such an unstoppable resexy game that people simply can't help, just for a roteously breeding with each other. Yeah.

After a test match, you've got to go smash. Well, but your words is not mine, Diff. That should be on a teacher. That should be in the who. Watch, watch test, go smash. I'll see if I can get that into a commentary at some point. I'm voting for the Board of Cricket of Control in India to hire Tivst evenson as their last thing for us.

I do know that the population of India, I think more than doubled over the course of the international career of the Great Batsman Sachin Tendolka. So you can draw your own conclusions from that. Willing makes people horny, That's what we're saying. That little second there is for all the Indian listeners of the Bughal to have that fact sink in. Think about when they were born and you're probably absolutely right. In other world news, the New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has surprised not just her own hemisphere, but all the other ones as well by resigning unexpectedly. She quacked because she said she had nothing in the tank. Now, resigning because you no longer feel up to it is a completely alien concept here in

the United Kingdom. When generally, if you don't feel up to it, that's when you start standing for office. Tiff, can you possibly explain why she's resigned now? As the female correspondent on today's edition, she said, just in the Ardennes Quizz Prime Minister's dating, she had no more in the tank. And fair enough, because fuel prices are very high at the moment, and I wouldn't want to fill that up. Yeah, she basically said over the summer she had time to think about it, you know, and if she was going to run again and what she would need to do and she just couldn't do it. And so the legacy is, a lot of people have been talking about misogyny and she was saying it's not misogyny, you know,

I want young girls to aim for this. I just think the next PM has a lot to live up to like can he be totally chill when in the middle of a broadcast an earthquake happens? Like she might as well have been smoking a fag and having an ridicule. That's how calm she was. She was just like, oh, we're just having a little bit of an earthquake here. That's quite a big one. So you need someone who's got that level of like, you know, and her legacy, she was like apparently the first world leader, I read this, apparently the first female world leader to bring an infant to the UN meeting in New York, which I would argue is not true because Trump was at those meetings. So yeah,

but Chris Hipkins, who is replacing her, I've seen an interview with him, he seems very nice, he's super kiwi, the most kiwi man I've ever seen, I think. But if Labour lose the next election, they're saying he will only have spent eight months of the leader, which should be fair is still six trusses. Which I think is the official measurement of a short term. Getting is now a unit of time. So there's an election due late this year, and our Dern's Labour Party is trailing by four points in the opinion polls.

Some have suggested that this might have prompted her to resign, being four points down in the opinion of four points down. If we operated the same logic, we would have five prime ministers points down in the opinion of four points down. If we operated the same logic, we would have five prime ministers resigning every day at the moment. We took quite close to one point last year, but we never quite reached five a day. And there's this element that she has been a recipient of huge amounts of personal abuse and vitriol online. I mean partly because of

people disagreeing with her approach to COVID and the anti-vaxxers laying into her, but it does seem that female leaders are bombarded with so much more abuse and insults online than men. I mean, are we ever going to move, are we ever going to grow up as a species, Tiff or I mean, have we peaked or we just on the downward slide to back to kind of pre-Nianderthal levels. Yeah, I think, well, Sam Neal came out and said it's disgusting, the misogyny towards her, the actor Sam Neal. But she was, yeah, she was insistent. I think she didn't want to put off future women, but it is a thing that you bear in mind. It's always in the back of your mind if you put yourself into any public sphere. Obviously, I can't say as the leader of a country, but as anyone who puts themselves in the public eye,

you go, we're going to get the usual amount that anyone gets. And then you're going to get that very special amount where they say they hope you were dying. Also, can you send feedbacks? So often in the same emails, like looking at it, when we were looking at New Zealand from the UK, we were like, oh, this is how a grown-up deals with a crisis and we've got people flinging cake at the walls and number 10. So for us, we're like, oh, you know, if she was a whole Prime Minister, I think from outside New Zealand,

she's viewed as a very grown-up and successful Prime Minister and I think within that, within New Zealand, sentiment might be slightly different, but, yeah, I mean, wouldn't it be great if we'd have had her in number 10? Well, yeah, I mean, grown up and Prime Minister, was that haven't always sat harmoniously in this country in recent? And my concerns are that, well, I mean, are we ever going to have a wake-up call that the dehumanising impact of modern media, social, anti-social and otherwise means that a career in politics is increasingly unsustainable

if you are or wish to remain human. And also, you know, if, you know, we look at New Zealand as a country. And I think if New Zealand cannot succeed as a country, there is absolutely no hope for the entire world, because by comparison, they've got space, they've got resources, they've got wealth. Yeah, if you get up New Zealand, you're taking the entire planet down with you, so, but your idea is up. It's a big deal to see,

she gave birth while in office, didn't she, and took the baby with her? And that's, I think that's a big deal to see, you know, she gave birth while in office, didn't she, and took the baby with her, and that's, it's quite, I think that's a legacy that is on the positive side that is there for everyone to see. Well, obviously she was inspired by the Roman Emperor Theodosius I, making his eight-year-old son go everywhere. Yes, she gave her daughter Neve a couple of jobs to do on the trip. Oyster's news now, and I don't think we've ever had a specific oyster section on the bugle previously, but some sensational oyster news has been been breaking. If you are the the bugle saltwater by valve molosca correspondent. Apparently scientists have claimed that eating oysters could save the world or at least protect certain areas of coastline. How how have they come to this conclusion?

I should be the oysters correspondent, because Sam Cockney and well that and the jelly deal. Yes. Apparently they used to be not considered a delicacy in London oysters and just used to be eaten by everyone. Yes, in Louisiana, this story came out of Louisiana that coastal wetlands are being washed away, leaving the region more vulnerable to hurricanes and flooding. So, restaurants and new Orleans are encouraging people to eat oysters and then they're recycling the oyster shell so they can be used to build seawall. So, this is actually quite a positive like recycling story, but I can't help in this, unfortunately, because I'm actually allergic to oysters, which is annoying.

I'm allergic to oysters, clams, basically if it's been clinging to a rock in the Mediterranean, Ronaldo, don't get in my mouth. But oysters are a bit like dicks, one bad one and you're done forever. So, yeah, we have a solution here. We have a, let's rebuild the walls and rebuild seawalls with oyster shells. So I think that's quite an exciting bit of, you know, if we have a problem with the Thames overflowing, we could use oyster cards. That's probably what we could do here. That would be my solution because I have about 30 of them in the house because I just use Apple Pay now. So I'd like somewhere to actually recycle my oyster cards. So yeah, so that's the positive bit about

using oyster shells. However, there has also been another news story you may know about Andy which is that baby oysters apparently hear sounds that are related to desirable habitat related reefs So when you start thinking about baby oysters, you may feel a bit bad about eating oysters But apparently they seek out places via sound via sonarar, and then actively, or not via sonar, via sensitive hairs that they have on them. So they feel the vibrations in the water, and then they actively swim horizontally for as much as four miles towards the source,

then drop down to plant themselves. And I can't for the life of me work out what a horizontal swim is, because I thought all swimming was horizontal. So yeah, so there's good news about recycling oyster shells, but bad news about eating oysters, because baby oysters are looking for each other, and you might feel bad.

Right, well, so but oysters can hear, that's the headline that I took from that. Obviously, you don't read the whole article. You just look at the headline. And if oysters can hear, does that mean they've heard everything we've been saying about how sexy they make us feel? I mean, that puts them in a position of incredible power. But why is that?

I mean, it's interesting this idea of migrating. I mean, they are quite literally brainless. They seldom venture out beyond their house. I mean, you might think that makes them a key voter demographic. It might make them a tasty snack. It's a hard call to make these days. And if I'm in the oysters, I can't remember if I'm not sure if I'm going to have a eaten an oyster in India. Is there a thing much of a...

Well, there is a tradition in the state of Kerala to have roisters with chili sauce in it. And now that I know that oysters can hear, I'm not so sure I want to eat oysters raw anymore. I mean, I wouldn't, you know, I can hear and I wouldn't like to be eaten whole with Tabasco sauce on my head. So I'm always still going to hear on the way down. Exactly.

I mean, there's always a lot of fetishizing of oysters in TV shows, isn't there? Like, remember, this is seen in Mad Men, the TV show, where they win a big account in advertising, and there's a celebration with champion and oysters to a point where I think one character throws up on the client. Well, they are, they are, they have to be fetishized because otherwise you wouldn't really eat them I feel like. So it just looks like someone sneezed in a soap dish. How is that? How is that advertising? So you've got and as well the other thing when I did eat oysters is you're just trying to disguise the taste

of the oyster by putting shallot vinegar or Tabasco or something else on it. So you go, well, I can't recognize what I'm actually eating. Yeah, the first oyster I ever had was from a van on Hastings Seafront. And I think it's fair to say it wasn't the greatest oyster in have you have you have them since then? I have. Yes, my, my, I was with my now wife Who is a big fan of of seafood and she said oh you've got it

You've got to try this oyster is a great and then slightly forgot that we were on hasting see for and it was coming out of a van but Oyster facts now We have an oyster fact box for you. Fact one, the oyster is one of the most popular salt water by valve mosques of all time. In fact, for most of its history, it's been better known than football or pop music. It was invented an estimated 200 million years ago when according to experts, dinosaurs ruled the earth. The dinosaurs of course did not entirely codify their rules into a set of laws such as we would understand today. But the broad thrust of it was every reptile for itself and if

you have not got massive horns, an armour-plated torso or teeth that can tear through sheet metal you might want to consider extinction. But the oysters took little notice of the dinosaurs, they mostly kept themselves to themselves, finding themselves powerfully erotic and therefore breeding very successfully to the extent where if you ignored all the other creatures in the world, oysters accounted for 100% of the creatures in the world. In the year 1864, 700 million oysters were consumed in London, apparently, that's according to the internet. 700 million oysters in London in 1864, and yet they give us, jip for our fancy foods and our avocados, the winging 19th century hypocrites.

But in fact, oysters have not generally been the luxury food stuff that they are thought of today, as they have pointed out. Similarly, ordinary people in 1864 would think nothing, eviting pan-fried foie gras of endangered Californian condor, coating an armor of gold leaf and peruvian snoutfish caviar, served in it with a truffled lobster tocha and a reduction of ad absurdum of Antarctic penguin wine and a Madonna of resurrected purple fin turban. That's just the way people roll in those days. And our finalist, the fact, to properly shock a noister, you should not use either physical

tools or heat. You should coax it into the open with song or cross-examine it like a lawyer until it pops itself open until it pops itself open and reveals everything like the criminal it almost certainly is. Those are your oyster facts from the vehicle today. ["The Future of the World"] Just a quick sports story.

From the Australian Open, Andy Murray made it through two rounds in five set epics before losing in four sets in the third round. But if I know what really struck you was something from his post-match interview, which you know, is not necessarily the kind of thing you expect to hear. Yes, this was the match before he went out and it was a five hours long wasn't it? Or five hours? Five hours, 45 minutes. Five hours, 45 minutes and some of the most incredible rallies you've ever seen just as he was about to get. I think it as he broke back actually in one of the games, just like an astonishing match.

And afterwards, one of the journalists sort of was having a conversation with Andy. And he sort of said, well, I've got a big heart. And then the journalist said, we've got a big everything. Which, to be fair to Andy, he sort of laughed and went, I'm sure my wife would disagree. But I'm pretty sure that was the journalist suggesting to all of us that Andy Murray has a big dick.

I mean, he certainly played with big dick energy or big hip, big hip energy after an operation. But yes, I was sort of like, oh wow, this must be like how female tennis players feel a lot of the time when they get sexualized constantly in relation to Sport, but yeah, he handled it very well and made a joke of it, but I was like, what else could they possibly mean? You have I was worried when interviews like this sort of end abruptly. It would have been good to ask a few other people what they thought

Included perhaps as well. Did you just get a more closed ended thing to this problem? Maybe he just meant he'd got enormous elbows. I mean, as you said, he's had major surgery. I don't know, is it too artificial? Chris, you have, you've got, you're basically a cyborg these days, aren't you? You've got similar surgery to Andy, aren't you? We have one, one was slightly more invasive, but we're not in a competition. He's one of my parents. And he's effectively had a hip replacement.

It's not quite significant. He shouldn't be doing what he's doing. It's remarkable. Well, he's, I mean, I've been looking at all the various procedures he's had to keep him on court as a tennis player. He's now an estimated 3% human flesh. He's mostly bits of scrap metal. Planks of wood washed up on the beach in Scotland and nailed on to the former World Number One to back up the remnants of his original limbs, used chewing gum, holds everything together, and there's some bits of dinosaur bone stolen from museums and put together to function

using a complex system of gears, elastic bands, engine oil and haggis. So I mean, it's really remarkable that he's still out there competing at the level that only that game against competing at the level that only that game against cocking that is it finished after 4am local time as the Australian have continued to try to find ways to make tennis less appealing for the spectator aside from forcing players to carry on playing in life threatening heat on playing in life threatening heat. And yeah, 4 a.m. that seems, that seems, I mean, it's like a kind of grateful dead tennis match. Do you guys think the next generation of tennis players with all these operations were playing well into their 70s?

What do you hope so, brilliant. I mean, within 100 years, and also, if we tie it back to the change in the global population, they will be relatively young by the standards of everyone who's alive in the world at the time. That concludes this week's Bugle. We will be back next week. Don't forget you can listen to the current series of the news quiz via BBC Sounds. If you're listening to this before Wednesday evening of this week,

the 25th, that would be of January. My rearrange tour show in Wuster at the Huntington Hall is taking place. There are still a few tickets available. My card if show on the 24th is sold out but do try and come to the Worcester Kitchen show if you can. Anything to plug, Tiff? Yes, I would like to plug Catharsis. My podcast in the Bugle family, the latest episode, is out with Rochene Connity. we've got fantastic guests who I've just confirmed today coming up for new episodes so listen to that give us a like and subscribe and you can hear other comedians talk about their pet peeves, their old grudges, their minor irritations. We also dip into some

historical beefs as well just for funsies so go have a listen to those if you haven't already. We've had some bugle regulars on, we've had Josh Gondelman, we've had Alice Fraser, so we've had a few of the bugle gang and there will be more so listen to that and I'm also on tour from well March in Belfast but then mainly May all over the UK so so head to any of my socials and you can get all the details for the tour there. And about anything to plug? Yeah, one quick thing, I'm back at the UK in April and on the 22nd of April I'm doing a show in Oxford. The details will be on social media, but the show is about Lord Clive and the show is titled, we need to talk about life, and it's specifically for the City of Oxford

that wants to have, I guess, a laugh about Lord Clive's role in my hometown, the express. Yes, fascinating historical figure. We took the sculpture of Clive outside the foreign office in London, which was put up about 120 years after he died in complete disgrace. And the man about the time all the statues were being toppled, you know, I do think that the pigeons have a rather more nuanced understanding of what Clive did than the British education system. Thank you for listening, Puglers. We will be back next week.

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