The Bugle - That Pen is revisited - Bugle 4105B

Episode Date: April 19, 2019

Andy introduces some classic bits, some previously unheard snippets and Producer Chris does a thing. Features Brexit, Mueller and wangs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Buegros, and welcome to Buegros issue 4105 sub-episode AHHHHH! Or AHHHHH! Deleted according to how you're feeling about your planet right now.

We are having a week off full of bugling this week, it turns out to have been quite well timed. Aside from it being the Easter school holidays, because Brexit has been on the backburn of this week. I mean, it's slow emulating itself on the back burner, but on the back burner, nonetheless, and all our attention has turned instead, to the far, far less pressing issue that the world is basically doomed. Bring back Brexit.

At least that's just one nation catapulting itself into the comforting concrete of freedom, not an entire species. We have some top-notch goodies for you in this week's sub-ugile, including some ripe off-cuts from recent shows. Something Chris has put together for your delectation, well, hopefully delectation, something from a decade ago and some lies about our premium voluntary subscribers. Details on the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme are on the website.

To start us off this week, here's something that we've allowed to mature and, for meant gently, on the cutting and floor. something that we've allowed to mature and for men gently on the cutting room floor. There was also some entertaining, entertaining democratic procedure in the House of Lords, our glorious second chamber. Don't forget we've got a respect for our democracy. I don't know. When you hear the House of Lords, just because we hear it so often at the news, you don't think about it, but it's only when you think about the phrase, that you go, yeah, of course, we've got a society called the Grand Wizards. It's literally got a building called the House of Lords. So there was a, there was a filibuster in the House of Lords in an attempt to delay the the effect Cooper. Yes.

The Cooper let when a man. Yeah, Cooper let when a man. There is an extension to Article 50. For those of you who don't know, quick Brexit terminology quiz. Who or what is a filibuster? Is it a Jacob Reesmog's third daughter? Is it b, a World War I tank that due to a glitch in our unwritten British constitution can be driven into the houses of Parliament and parked in front of either the House of Commons

or the House of Lords doors to stop any members getting in, resulting in a significant delay to debate some legislation? Is it see a medical device, the filibuster, installed in the brains of members of Parliament that renders them immune to any sense of awareness that their current words and actions stand in obvious and direct contradiction to their words and actions that they may have said or done in the past, consider vital to the smooth smooth functioning of politics. Is it D, a British fruit, like a potato, crossed with Japanese knotweed, crossed with another potato that smells like a dead hedgehog that is set to replace all school meals after Brexit as we get back to basics. Or is it a personalized

wrestling move used in recent cabinet meetings by the Chancellor of the Chequer Philip Hammond to try to win people around? The move involves Hammond jumping onto the cabinet room table in 10 Downing Street, then dropping a fellow cabinet minister with a suplex power crunch choke cobbler quadruple Nelson and shouting, consider yourself fully busted before the spluttering victim struggles back to his or her feet whimpering about the will of the people. Or is it F a tried and trusted means of respecting democracy by blocking anything happening? The answer of course is F and A. Yeah, it's a attempt at willful democratic constipation.

Yes, and a very popular in America. A. Yeah, it's a attempt at willful democratic constipation. Yeah. Yes. And very popular in America. It used to be more in America than here these days. Yeah. Greatest in the world, of course. And as if things were bad enough, they had to delay their debate yesterday or had to be postponed because there was a leak in the chamber in the House of Commons. And the evening standard reported it, thusly. It is understood water began pouring into the press gallery

in what some have described as an apocalyptic metaphor for Brexit. But that's not a metaphor for Brexit at all. It would only work as a Brexit metaphor if some of the MPs had absolutely no reason, smashed a hole in the roof, and started pouring water in themselves whilst yelling something about immigrants. It does hurt me just to suggest it was just like a minor leak in there.

I mean, everything's gone downhill in this country, even the divine punishments have gone downhill. Because 1834, the whole place burned down, isn't it? Yeah, that's fine. Even God's lost his edge. Keep trickling a little, pitifully mildly. Yeah, fuck, that's one of my favourite bits of the Old Testament, you know I had to deal with that leak.

As I'm sure you guys have been consuming way too much Brexit media, and it's reached the point where every headlion I see now, I just assume is related to Brexit. There were a few headlion this week in the turnout, not to be related to Brexit that I thought were including this one. What would happen if humanity detonated every single nuclear warhead on earth at the same time? Which I just assumed was some kind of counteroffer. It's a kind of brinkmanship. Living fossil, given new home, to a soon-man Jacob Reesmog has been sent to jail, no. Will we be able to leave the boring jobs to robots? I assume was an overheard quote from the Brexit Secretary, hoping that we can get the

humans out of this terrible process. And Brits are more likely than other people in other countries to combine drugs with sex survey fines, which shows the pressures on our time management as a nation. But Brits, it's broader bound. survey finds shows the pressures on our time management as a nation. Brexit is brought about. My favourite Brexit story is something that happened today with Roger Helmer, who's a former member of the European Parliament this morning tweeted, it's less than four weeks to go to the local elections. I tend to go to the polling station and write Brexit in big block letters across the ballot paper. Right, spoiler and bastard. You're out ballot paper. I just, I mean, I hope he's extending that to every element of his life and just writing Brexit everywhere. Like Jack Nicholson

in the shiny. Back to the present now and, well, the Mulla reports has been released in full, apart from the bits that had to be bleaped out, and it shows all in all that Donald Trump is in fact a paragon of non-Russia ocheludic virtue who rescues puppies from crocodile infested bath-tops on an almost minute basis and would not obstruct a bit of justice if you went down on your band-in and begged him, or not depending on what tone of voice you read it in. We do have a full version of the Mueller report here with different redactions in this one. The bits are all the bits showing Mr. Trump in

a light that confirms him as someone patently unfit to be president. So here it is. The full report with the unpresidential bits redacted. The Mueller report by Robert Mueller. Once upon a time there was the end. Well there you go, interesting reading, if you can get hold of it. Now it's Chris Chris time He's made something for us. I don't know what it is, but we are all about to find out so strap in Hello all around the world in dolds Again, leave means leave all the way another British political victory of history In 2019 Britain will be threatening countries to death like Germany and Brighton Brexit bafflingly still a massive problem around the world.

Leave means leave, okay. Very good advice. To reason why is urinating across Jeremy Corbyn. And she's had quite a lot of praise for this, but Jeremy is living well done. Yeah, Brexit is inspirational and indeed iconic. Among supporters of malaria, so this is a microcosm of Jacob Riesmog and the bugle audience Perinati Brooks, yes. Brooks, yes. 29 team. Sturks. Sturks.

Sturks. Sturks. Sturks. Sturks. Brooks, yes. Chris there, he has a bionic hip now, so do be careful what you say to him, he can spring over a 10 foot wall. Our guy's time now, I know it is hard to believe it, but just three weeks ago it was 10 years

ago, since arguably the most important story in history of humanity. Back in bugle 69 this fearless investigative audio journal delved into the very heart of an issue, that would come to define modern humanity and all who sail in it. So here's a hearty chunk from Bugle 69, including not only the story to end all stories, but also to begin with some hogwash. Anyway, this is Bugle 69. We'll report back next week on the birth of Bugle 69. And in the year 69, of course, there were four Roman emperors. Two of them were killed, one bumped himself off the save, and the trouble of having to kill him. Let's talk this episode of The Bugle, doesn't see quite the same level of politically motivated bloodletting.

Well all I can say is Louis is dressed up like a centurion, so things aren't looking good at this end. Also this is for the week-winning Monday, the 30th of March, that means it will be the 150th anniversary of the Peyton thing of the world's first pencil with an eraser attached to it. What? That's true, John. Oh, it is. That is the first dual use thing humanity ever invented. And that paved the way for things like the clock radio, the two-in-one shampoo and conditioner,

the ejector seat, went until that piece of military technology trickles down into the civilian market, watching TV or attending tedious business meetings will never be so exciting. Also the pretzel dog, what a snack, what a pet, probably best in reverse order. Also the landmine milk jug, the barbed wire envelope and the crocker Bible. Half-man-eating reptile, half-religious tract on both counts. On both counts, watch out.

Oh boy, every week you come up with a new convincing case for going to hell. As always, I'm texting the people going straight to the mid of this week, the first 10 in the series of audio self-help guides, including you and your cupboards, how to drink without drowning, what to do if there's a sniper in your kitchen, filing for first-timers, how to start a war, why stealing cars is illegal, the psychological effects of shelves, how to tell if you're alive or dead, how to tell whether you're being told off or seduced, and a man's guide to screaming. And I see that was 11.

And also in the bin part one, in the serialisation of the hit audiobook, Can Ducks Duck and 50 other meaningless wordplay-based questions about animals, including why aren't foxes foxy? Do hippos have hips? Is my rhino or whino? What are the correct legal channels for making an allegation against an alligator? Is it rude to flip a bird to a bird? What do I do if there's an impala in my parlour? What do I do if my stick insect gets stuck in a sect? Oh no!

Would my mallard feel more if I dressed it up like 1850s US president Millard Fillmore? Will excessive reading of Don Quilloti make my Don Quill OD? Oh no, no, strike two, strike two Andy. Will an antelope with my antelope? Strike three! Two woodcocks have wooden cocks. Half-ig as a man was member. How come great chits don't have great chits?

Do blowflies, blow flies, is my horny and horny, do us a lot, toss a lot and is my horse, pimping hares, I'm done. Top story this week and penises on roofs, You see Andy the bugle is already changing. It's in LA and it's already become a tension grabbingly commercial. We are dumbing down. It's happening down this city of fallen angels. It's true this story is indeed about Peterson roofs and 18 year old in Britain secretly painted a 60-foot drawing of a fallace on the roof of his parents 1 million pound mansion in Barclayshire. It was there for around a year before his parents found out and they've said they're going to make him clean it off

when he gets back from traveling. What a story Andy! A fortnight ago it was monkeys who step forward to take the bugles coveted top story slot and provide much like relief to a world frozen in economic fear this week step forward rooftop penis what a story well this is unquestionably the new story of the decade i would say i mean there's a global recession uh... you can take that you can take your

funky new president in America. You're looming in for a mental mega catastrophe feature ongoing wars, the gradual devastation of everything we as a species hold here. And even that meteorite that's going to destroy the planet Earth next Wednesday, that's a bit of a bugle scoop that one. But there's only one story in town

in the first decade of the third millennium. And that is this boy painting a massive Wang on the roof of his parents mansion. Everything else seems irrelevant now, John. A boy's painted a gigantic Johnson on a big house. I think what this goes to show is that when times are at their toughest John, and when the present is bleak and the future is even bleaker, humankind will go back to basics, back to its roots, and commune with its primeval prehistoric self and draw a massive cock on something. It happens since the dawn of time. Don't look at the Sir and Abbas joints down in the West

Country in England, started off when a teenage caveman chiseled a giant willy and balls onto his parents hill. His dad was so embarrassed that he drew a giant man around it and pretended it was religious. So when God was drawing up the blueprint for the human being, John. He created something simple, elegant, without too many vulnerable external protuberances. All of a sudden he gets a bit bored, draws a cock and balls on it, giggles, goes to bed, oversleeps and wakes to find out that his over-efficient secretary has already sent the drawing off to be made up into a living being. That's where the problems began. I'm 31 years old. Why do I find this story so funny?

We'll put the photo of this up on the website and I heartily encourage you to go and take a look at it because it truly is a work of art. Mark Alangelo had the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and the heavens. This kid had a roof and a massive penis. They're basically the same. But for me, this story brings up a number of key questions, actually. Right, yep, like one. What does this do to the house price? Because if they find that it's actually added value,

then perhaps people will have to draw massive penises on their roofs to compete. These are tough times, I need to buy a market. People used to have the smell of freshly baked bread and coffee to shift a house. Now, it's all about the painted roof penis. I think there's another question, John. What is that question?

What on earth possessed a teenage boy to paint a massive slong on his parents' roof? And I guess the obvious answer to that is that he's a teenage boy and his parents have a roof. And you know, nature. Nature to creed, he going to draw a penis somewhere. OK, I have another question in return to that, Anne. I'll point out that simply that they had it

for an entire year without noticing, which really makes you think, can anyone truly say they are 100% sure that they don't have a massive penis on their roof right now? When was the last time you were up on your roof? A penis could be there right now. How does the lesson go? Laugh nod at the penis on their roof right now. When was the last time you were up on your roof? A penis could be there right now. How does the lesson go? Laugh nod at the penis on your neighbor's roof until you show it that you don't have

an even bigger penis on yours. It's like one of Esaubsmore obscene fables. The ones he wrote when he was drunk late at night. How about you Andy? Can you be absolutely sure you don't have a penis on your roof? I can't be absolutely sure you don't have a penis on your roof? I can't be absolutely sure John, but I can verify that no penis shaped aircraft have landed on my roof by mistake, thinking that was a penis craft pad. But I guess, you know, there's another way of looking at this John, as a tangential way

of answering your question about whether I've got a penis on my roof. And that is, it could be a fertility symbol. You know, maybe this lad just wanted to have a younger brother or sister to play with. He was trying to summon the assistance of some primeval divinity to bring fruit to his mother's womb. Who knows? All I do know, John, is that when my wife and I were trying to get pregnant for the first time, we painted a dangle on two nuggets on our roof. But unfortunately, at the time, we were living in a downstairs flat. So we had some very angry neighbors from the upstairs flat asking us to replace their

living room carpet with something a little bit less obscene. Also, the parents here claim that this is their son's doing, but now it lets me fair, he's not there to defend himself from this charge. They could be stitching him up, let's fight Colombo for a second here, because this case may be trickier than it initially appears. Could it be they are framing their own son to protect themselves from the truth that they painted a massive penis on their own roof?

I was hoping no one would notice. It's the perfect crime. Or was this a more supernatural occurrence? Aliens have been said to regularly swoop down in the middle of the night and create mysterious crop circles. Perhaps they're branching out. They finished their crop circle phase and now experimenting with roofs and penises. I've got another explanation for this John, and I think the boy is guilty of this charge of painting a massive penis on his parents roof. But I think what it is John,

is it's the pitch markings from the old English sport of the roof game, which is an early form of football, which originated on the roof of Eaton College Chapel in the 16th century. Now, the story goes, an infestation of dry rot resulted in the discoloration of the roofing timbers on the chapel in the shape of the aforementioned anatomia. And during a decade of flooding, the school has forced to move the entire school operation onto the chapel roof. Now, they started playing the roof game using this kind of pitch-marking that nature created on their roof. And now, in the roof game, one team defends the NADGE

end, named after two semicircular shapes at one end, which look like an ecclesiastical NADGE, which is a two-headed sector used by school chaplains in Medieval times. This team was known as the Nudge's. The other team defended the ennerist, the chapel's main bell, or the bell end, where the dry rot fungi had grown bound to flee around the outline of a spare bell that had been left on the roof after the school camp and all of the society meeting had degenerated into an alcoholic sea of fumbling homosexualism, as is traditional at school such as the. Mae'n gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaith at the long narrow centre of the pitch. This process was known as shaffing, as the boys would roll up their school gowns or shafts.

To use a slings to impart extra spin on the ball, once a team had reached the end of the main central portion of the pitch, its players would shout the word, Shaft, to signal that the shaffing phase of the attack was complete. On the call of Shaft, the attacking team would attempt a score for the bell ends, this involved scratching the nages, or tagging each member of the nage Defends with the ball whilst in the Nage Zone. And for the Nages score, require them to yank them. Yank the bellens,

otherwise the Russell the defenders out of the bellend area, leaving an attacking nager with the ball in the unoccupied zone. Now of course neither side scored either a yank or a scratch between 1604 and 1856, making it very lengthy, even wall game. When a successful scratch in the Nages attracted such a nationwide press interest that Queen Victoria and Prince Albot invited a pop down the road from Windsor Castle to watch a game. Whilst observing from above in the Royal Hathabaloon, the professional Queen and mother of eight were seen to succumb into fits of giggles,

pointing at the outline of the pitch and chuckling to Albert, who himself then began to laugh. Queen Victoria was then seen to apparently grab Albert's nethercoats with her royal hand, for rooking yet more laugh as the loving couple disappeared from view into the balloon's basket. Albert reappeared briefly, just as sever the cord tethering the balloon to the ground, and the roe balloon floated off somewhat unsteady, rocking vigorously from side to side to the sounds of LaSovius, Grouse and Prince Cont Consort, an ecstatic whoops from her majesty. Nine months later, Princess Beatrice was born, but the headmaster and Provost of Eden were so disturbed at the moral and psychological devastation

wreaked upon the schoolboy, smiting a monarch, thracling her husband, that they instantly banned the roof game from ever happening again. Having viewed the roof from above, and realizing that it did, in fact, look quite like a gentleman's exhibits, they covered the old wooden roof with a giant tar pool in which currently resides in the Guinness Book of Records as the world's largest posing pouch. And the roof came fell into obscurity until it was just recently heroically resuscitated by this brave young teenager from Barccia. And of course the term is Naja Belendon, shall remain in popular uses today. You are a husband and father of two.

I love my history, John. Is that a crime? It is shameful upon both of us, Andy, that this story has inspired us so much. This has been the greatest muse of the last 69 Mugles. Well, I think, John, that's, you know, it's such a pressing world we live in, and we have to grasp it. You know, not just, you know, it's a depressing world we live in and we have to grasp it. You know, not just good news stories but fantastic news stories like this.

Yeah, I suppose that's just, it's just, it's just, I shocked myself last night with how many jokes I was inspired to write about this. I have another one just down here, it's a chalk outline. It looks like an active crime city, Mandy, so a gigantic penis was murdered on their roof, in which case they should leave it alone because clearly it's an ongoing investigation. So his parents have said he will have to, the young lad called Rory, will have to clean the massive 20-meter prong off the roof himself. But I guess as he does so, he'll be able to console himself. That's, however long he lives. Whatever happens in the rest of his life, when he finally prepares to meet his maker,

his final thought will be, I painted a 60 foot wang on my parents' roof. And he will die happy man, John. The first one. The first one. The first one. Well, that is almost it for this week's. So, Bugle, don't forget you can now access

the Bugle through the entail app, ENT, ALE, that will feature some pictures and other visual goodies as you listen. About time to play you out now with some more pure unadulterated lies about bugle voluntary subscribers thanks to all of you who have voluntarily subscribed so far to help get the re-independificated bugle era up and running. To join them go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button you can choose, one of the suggested monthly contributions or just make up your own recurring or one off. And join the likes of the following people who have all earned themselves a personalized individually tailored lie.

Martin Hopkins thinks that competitive food fighting is the future of all entertainment, and thinks that Bouts should start with an airdrop. An anonymous donor, known roughly as k-k-g-g-g-g-g-g-g, is unfraig to disagree vehemently, with the popularly accepted proposition that heaven is a half-pipe. Mark Kamarinsky once went undercover in a local nightclub and discovered that the DJ at the regular Friday night disco was in fact the supposedly dead former Soviet Politburo member Andrei Gromiko, who it transpired had quotes the incurable horn for all members of Bonim. Dale Bates invented a wrestling move called the Barking Squid, but was banned from using

it after one of his prosthetic tentacles flew off and broke a window. Sam Gordon is understandably unconvinced that bats are mammals, and thinks that if they aren't allowed to call themselves bird, then penguins should be reclassified as amphibians, and it is very hard to argue with that. Robert Leidd often wonders what happened to Oliver Twist later in life, and worries that the celebrity Dickens character would in fact have suffered some serious psychological scarring from his most unusual childhood. Darren McNamara, programmed and ran a computer simulation that suggested that, if the dinosaurs had never died out, a triceratops would currently be president of the USA. Mercow, command meanwhile, does a sensational Lyndon B. Johnson impersonation?

I mean, seriously, you have to hear it to believe it. Derek Snyder doesn't really see the need for any other musical instrument than the kazoo. Gainole Flora believes the host city of the Olympic game should be forcibly awarded to the world's shittiest places to force them to smarten up. Roll on Mogadishu 2028. Mia Henderson wonders on an almost daily basis whether the Queen has ever tried to rap, and anonymous donor, initials SH, tends to exaggerate the circumference of tomatoes when describing impressive salad bars to friends.

C.C. French thinks the main reason the Tiger Woods endured an 11-year gap between major championship victories was because of a decade-long fear of dimples, making him tremulous when whacking the golf ball, renowned of course as the world's dimpleiest object. Simon Hawkins likes to shout gotcha when he opens a jar of pickles, before saying, so which one of you green vinegary bastards is the great gurgin. Paul Browning once had a three-way shouting match on a crowded commuter train over whether Archimedes was a scientist, a sex symbol, or both. Anonymous donor, initials AF, thinks football would be a much better sport if the goal was made bigger in the second half for the team whose supporters had been more polite in the first half.

Finnegan-Southy, one as if telepathy could be taught and learned via a long distance course using only the power of the mind. Another anonymous donor, initials MH, thinks that the lack of zebras in top level horse racing is more than just an aesthetic disappointment. It is, quote, yet another example of societal prejudices against stripy things such as wasps. Graham Jones, well he tends to veer on the side of caution when estimating the number of grains of rice it would take to fill a 50 metre Olympics swimming pool, and Stefan Jordan has patented the design for the world's first wireless wire.

Quinn Van Auder would like to pep up courtroom trials by making judges use red and yellow cards like football referees, yellow for a community service punishment and red for a custodial sentence. Magnus Hustvite has theoretically developed a means of turning a sausage back into a live pig, but thinks it would be a waste of electricity to do so. Adam Warren is not sold at all on branches a meal and prefers a combination of bribble, breakfast nibble, and snunch, a snack lunch. And Doron Klima thinks a combination of ski jumping, trampolining, boxing, archery

and basketball might just be the greatest as yet uninvented sport in the universe. Until next week, Puglers, goodbye. you