The Bugle - The Bugle – 194a – Too Good For Context
Episode Date: May 16, 2012Some amazing clips from recent shows, in the wrong order Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information....
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This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello and welcome to Bugle Podcast Episode 194.
I'm producer Chris, one of your four favourite Bugle producers.
We're all off celebrating National Museum Day today, but don't worry.
Every week we're accolton bits that are just too funny
to put out. For your own safety, these clips are locked away. When we collect enough of
them, we put them together, out of order and out of context, to make them safe for you
to consume. So kids, enjoy.
I wonder if a sprain of his aftershave on the paper, you know, just to give
it a bit of an extra personal touch.
The letter from a President Abbas apparently demands that Israel frees all settlement
construction and accept the borders which were in place before the 67 Middle East war
as the basis for those of a future Palestine.
That's according to a draft that was seen by the Associated Press.
Abbas has also said that the letter
accuses Israel of undermining the Palestinian authority.
Now, I guess you would say, just easy, eating that mood.
That's a shit letter to receive.
Open with something light,
you have to be personal.
In fact, what you wait for lunch,
you ask about his family.
Actually, don't ask about his family,
they can come off and throw it.
But work your way into the demands and accusations,
something like, oh, dear Benji,
sorry it's been so long since I've been in touch.
So busy here in the West Bank, exclamation mark,
exclamation mark, exclamation mark,
had some falafel for lunch today.
Delicious.
Do you like falafel?
You probably do being a Jew. We should totally get some falafel sometime. I know
this great place in Gaza. I'll take you to it. Actually you should probably wear a hat
though because I think the owner there wants to kill you. Nice guy though and like I say,
great falafel. Anyway, hoping that you'll freeze all settlement constructions
and accept those borders we keep talking about.
Oh, and nearly forgot, had a great idea that you should
maybe stop undermining the Palestinian Authority.
What do you think?
Man, I'm in the mood for laugh all now.
I might go get some.
Please write me back.
Your last letter took ages to get to me.
I think that's because he got the address wrong.
I live in Palestine.
I gave you the address.
I know you said you'd never heard of it,
but I'm pretty sure you have.
Anyway, gots to go.
I think I just heard a shell explode down the street.
Buh-ma!
Exclamation mark.
See you soon.
Exclamation mark.
Joke.
Exclamation mark.
Mahmoud.
PS.
Foul apple friends for life. PPS, joke, PPS,
not a joke, PPPPS, joke.
I'm presumably Netanyaku's gonna reply
with a couple of bits of stone with stuffed chiseled in.
It's the way we've always done it, John.
There are, of course, other concerns about the Olympics.
For example, will the presence of Olympic fencing lead to a surge in copycat and knife crime
in London?
Will the Greco-Roman wrestling spark a craze for our Greco-Roman heritage?
Call it causing everyone to run around willy-nilly doing philosophy, bits of democracy, building
straight roads and holding state-run orgies, or whatever the Greco-Roman's did?
And can Britain's water polo team get its dolphins trained up in time.
And most pressingly of all John is the problem
of affecting the golden boy of British diving, Tom Daly,
who did very well at the loss Olympics,
when aged about eight.
And but since slightly dropped down the world rankings,
he's currently trying to perfect his new cartoon,
falling off a cliff dive in time
for the 10 meter high board
final. And it's very high tariff jump. If you can nail it, it could get him the crucial edge
over the Chinese world champion that he needs. It actually involves sprinting off the end of
the board as fast as possible, as developed by the renowned American diving coach Waili Kyoji.
Then defying gravity for a few meters while sprinting through the air, slowing down,
realizing his predicament, turning to the judges with a look of fear
and realization in his eyes, then plummeting into the pool or ideally, if he really wants
to go for it, onto the concrete right next to the pool before the diving board then comically
topples over and squashes him.
Well then if you can do that John, gold is his for the taking, injury for nothing.
Do his eyes pop out of his head, moments were falling,
and he's skeleton go first and skin after.
But I'm not sure he's gonna have that quite ready.
Maybe in time for 2016, in real.
The greatest opponent, Sarkozy's facing,
seems to be himself from the fact that most French people
cannot stand him anymore.
Even his opponent, François Hollande,
admits that his greatest strength, is his ability to not be sarcosi. Hollande said that as
he traveled around France, there were supporters who came up to him to say how much they wanted
him to be president, but that there were far more people who came up to him and said they
just wanted to be rid of sarcosi and didn't really care who else was in power. Good luck,
sarcosi. Bon chance.
I guess, when you're in that situation,
there are various ways of trying to get to
the bottom of the thorny issue of whether or not
the woman involved is a prostitute.
I guess if you are a wealthy businessman
and the woman involved is a much younger lady
with no clothes on from immigrant stock. Take a guess, Strauss
Khan, just take a guess. Alternatively, ask to make it one of some questions. For example,
you could ask her, is the main purpose of your visit here, a business, be pleasure or
see visiting family? And you might get to the bottom of the question
too, do you expect to be richer when you leave than when you came in? And question
three, why are you carrying a cash register with you? If in doubt, ask her to put her clothes
back on and then make an educated guess. You might also like to factor in the number of threatening
looking goons hanging around, and the hollow looking arise, that mournful expression
that simply screams millennia of gender-braced oppression and if that still fails approach the naked
lady offer her a hundred dollars in notes and then see if she says thank you
or I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one. It's a good one.
It's a good one.
21 African golfers and 26 American golfers played golf together yesterday.
And had a lovely time.
I left together because they realized that we're all people deep down, Andy.
Is that the end of that mass problem?
All of them played terribly.
Oh, all of them.
Each African golfer killed five flying turkeys when his golf balls flew in the sky.
Each American golfer killed seven unlucky bald eagles.
How many more bald eagles than turkeys died?
Is that what golf's about?
I mean, I just think that the problem with golf and the modern golf is that the technology
has just overtaken the skill of the game.
And these modern clubs can now hit the ball so high that they kill eagles.
That's true.
Usually an old style club would never have, you never be able to do that.
Muthu visited a fortune telly yesterday.
When the fortune teller looked into the crystal ball, he nearly fainted.
Muthu had a terrible feature.
In two days' time, he would be torn to pieces
by 714 world hippos and crocodiles.
The number of crocodiles would be three
and of course, times the number of hippos.
How many more crocs than hippos would tear poor Muthu to pieces?
I think the key answer to all of this,
Andy, is do not homeschool your children.
Yeah, or do not do any maths at all.
Right. And that is, I mean, that is advice that has served the global economy well over the recent
decades.
Do not apply mathematics.
Among other questions, they feature man-eating oak trees, mermaid fishing, a mother who cooks
orangutans and zebras for her daughter's birthday party, a father who gives his daughter's
headless Barbie dolls for their birthdays, a burglar who steals your ride on herself
a month for $28. A unicorn being slaughter steals your items and sells them on for $28.
A unicorn being slaughtered by some trolls.
A bank manager who guns down 252 mobsters.
A man who loves deformed chickens.
A boy whose grandmother knits him a jumper made from hair
so which grew on his sister's tongues.
Oh my God.
A man who balances typewriter snakes
and grandmothers on his tongue
and goes home and finds mermaids and crocodiles fronking in his octubre.
Oh, so at that point he did a nice just drunk.
And thanksgiving Turkey that hacks its owner to death with an axe.
Small town value now, and much of maid.
Much is made of a small town values here in the US, Andy.
They're usually incorrectly implied to have something to do with kitchen tables, pick-up
trucks and be pro-life.
But what is the actual value of an actual small town, especially if that town is absolutely
tiny?
Well, a town built as the smallest in the whole United States, recently sold at auction
for $900,000. Buffard Wyoming has one resident.
It sits on about 10 acres of land
with views of the Rockies in the distance.
It has its own zip code.
It also has a gas station, a convenience store,
a schoolhouse from 1905, a cabin, a garage,
and one free bedroom home.
Dan Sammons is the town's only resident
and unofficial mayor. How
Andy is he the unofficial mayor? Especially as the sole voter in the town, could he
not even be asked to vote for himself? Was he holding out for a better candidate?
Having serious doubts as to his own fitness for the job? Or can he just not be
bothered to vote, giving Boothard a 0% vote to turn out
during the Meryl election?
Well, I think it's most likely that
that he didn't bother voting because both he and himself
had conducted such a politely aggressive attack
at campaigns against themselves.
That he disillusioned himself away from politics. Yeah.
The lesson from the...
It was the microcosm of democracy in one man driving himself to the edge of madness.
Well, it's a slippery slope this, John.
He might be selling boof for 900,000 now, but it's just like the Louisiana purchase all
over again, but backwards, that's smaller.
And we're sold to a Vietnamese man, John.
Mm-hmm, right.
Too soon?
What, was it too soon?
Why are we selling Los Angeles to the Japanese next
and Washington back to Britain?
Not while not selling it back to Britain,
giving it back to Britain where it's brightly belonged.
Returning it to its owner.
I do hope that the Vietnamese owners now,
Andy, have got some big plans for Boothard Wyoming.
I truly believe that Boothard should bid for the Olympics.
Justin, it'll really put Boothard on the mat in a bigger way.
And we just, the opening ceremony alone would be spectacular.
Just watching Dan Sammons, the sole resident,
showing the world around his house before,
lighting a cigarette, putting on the arm of his couch
where all function as the Olympic flame
for the duration of the games.
And then wondering how even he couldn't get tickets
to the athletics.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This email comes in from Scott Smith in Nottingham, England.
Remember England, John?
Nope.
He writes, on the subject,
the curse of the bugle is a sham.
Hello!
No names.
That's interesting.
He's really, I guess he's addressing the franchise rather than the...
Not content with Bullshit.
Not content with Bullshit,
sloshing in my ears just once a week.
I thought I would re-listen to the bugle from episode one.
What a joy it has been to hear the birth of such classics as the audio cryptic crossword,
Hotties from History and John's Singing Curie.
I'll let the fact that those are all blended into one.
In episode 16, I re-witness the unveiling of the curse of the bugle.
Anyone engaging in ritualized douchebaggery will be hunted down by our brave boys and aggressively made fun of, perhaps a panel to launch their way and
then boom, their career and sometimes their time on this planet comes to an end. It's
a powerful weapon that you use wisely.
Or so I thought. In this particular episode Andy Gleefle says of your first victim, we
did a little bit of this person a couple of bugles ago and now look at him, he's become
the first victim of the curse of the bugugal. And who was that first unfortunate victim way back in 2008?
It was Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney.
Mitt fucking Romney.
So are you telling us that this much-fated curse is in fact just a four-year deal?
Are we to see further a bombnable showman making a comeback?
Has the summer been joking?
Is Kim Jong-Fine yours concern for 2015?
Scott Smith.
Well, another French political dispute, the Prime Minister, François Fignon, is holding
emergency, that was better, wasn't it?
It's holding emergency talks to smooth relations with Muslim and Jewish leaders.
After waiting into the HALAL meet, by saying that there was little point in Jews or Muslims eating kosher or halal.
He said religion should think about whether they should keep the traditions that don't have
much in common with today's state of science, technology and health problems.
And he narrowly failed to add, besides, have you guys not tasted bacon?
Oh, man, it's good.
I mean, at least ask a big guy for an update.
Just ask nicely.
Also, Leaks was this entry from the personal diary
of Bashir Alassad aged 46 from this week, in fact.
Monday the 12th of March, 2012.
Today I woke up really early.
I was really excited at the prospect
of another exciting day being president of Syria.
I had Mickey the chef cook me a boiled egg.
It looked so lovely as he brought it to me in my favourite power rangers' egg cup. exciting day being president of Syria. I had Mickey the chef cook me a boiled egg. It
looks so lovely as he brought it to me in my favourite power rangers' egg cup. I gently
tapped the top of the egg with my spoon. Cracks began to appear in the egg shell. They
reminded me of the cracks that have appeared in Syrian society over the last year or so.
So I called in the head of the army and asked him to strife the egg with mortified before
sending in ground troops to smash its arpegg pieces. Oh yeah, I giggled.
Today's gonna be a good day.
A very good day.
Other hunting news now, and King Juan Carlos of Spain has apologized to the Spanish people
for going on an expensive hunting trip in Africa while his country is in the middle
of a huge
economic crisis. Spain is the fourth biggest economy in the Eurozone, but has seen its
debt crisis worsened and its borrowing costs go through the roof. It currently has a 23%
unemployment rate and there are fears that it could return to a massive recession.
So Nero fiddled while Rome burned Andy and when Spain slid into deep recession,
King Juan Carlos went out and he shot some elephants.
To quote King Juan himself, Andy,
it's the perfect way to unwind.
Let he who has never shot an elephant in the face
cast the first stone.
Wow, that's a f*** of a lot of stones.
He has apologized to the Spanish people.
It was widely reported that he was hunting elephants.
And one report said the Royal House
had neither confirmed nor denied this.
And neither confirmed nor denied.
Is really shorthand for, I shot a fucking elephant.
I'm the king and I shot an elephant.
His trip to Botswana, which has been widely criticized
throughout Spain, only emerged when he had to be flown home for
treatment after fracturing a hip and presumably he fractured his hip jumping up and down shouting
Hackey doms nil King Wankeal asked one
Yeah apparently broke his hip falling on a step. I do hope that an elephant pushed him down that step.
And he was flown home by private jet.
He underwent hip replacement surgery last Saturday.
That's very sad, Andy.
But of course, the elephants he shot broke his head
during that bullet-related injury.
Is it being flown in for head replacement surgery instead?
The king is also honorary president of the Spanish branch of the Conservation Group, the
World Wildlife Fund.
So I mean there's a double program there Andy, lavish trip in a time of austerity, not
good, killing animals when you're president of a conservation group, even worse, unless
he's just going to try and claim that he was in fact trying to take beautiful photos
of the elephants and just kept mistakenly not picking up his camera and picking up a huge rifle instead. Oh,
what a wonderful beast. Smile! Oh shit, not again! This is why my wife won't let me take
photos of her anymore. It's also why I have a series of beautiful photos of some clay pigeons.
Here's the thing though, Andy.
This is not by any means the first time
the King Juan Carlos' taste for hunting
has landed him in trouble.
In 2006, in northeast Russia,
there was an official who alleged that he'd shot dead
a tame bear that had been plied with vodka,
although the royal official said
that the claim was ridiculous.
Again, not saying that it was false,
because saying that it was ridiculous.
I'm sexy, I know it.
And the...
If you have that tune in your iTunes account, you can never take it out,
because it might be gone, but historically it will still be there.
That's the point.
Opposition, you need to have that.
Whenever you want to use about Syria, it just takes the edge off things.
Well, that's the point. Opposition groups dismiss these elections as a sham,
calling for a boycott. The US government has dismissed them as ridiculous and believe me, Andy.
The US is a nation that knows it's way around a ridiculous election.
They've staged a number of them themselves.
And it takes some bulls, Andy, to stage a fake election when your country is on a number of them themselves. And it takes some balls Andy to stage a fake election
when your country is on the edge of civil war.
But we all know that Assad has those balls Andy,
just as we also know that he bought this song on our chips.
I know it.
And I guess my big takeaway Andy is,
this should be the protest anthem of the Serenal position
Because on one hand, they completely demystifies Bashar al-Assad stripping him of his superhuman aura and on the other hand
Fucking catchin
I've got 20,000 people
Singing this I work out.
Go look at that body.
Just go look at that body.
Look at that body.
I work out.
20,000 people singing that.
The toppled any government in the world, John.
Exactly.
The Syrian opposition Andy has passion in its pants and it's not a
fried dish. I'm sexy. I'm not.
So thanks very much to LMFAO for their contribution to the Arab revolutions.
I'm telling you, LMFAO ought Artisserie, what David Hasselhoff
was to the reunification of Germany.
Basically nothing to do with it.
Nobel Prize winners in the making, John.
He has some reforms, to be fair to us,
that albeit they are reforms so cosmetic that they look like a cross between Coco,
the clown, Joe Rivers and George Ogabour.
This email is just coming from Ian Williams,
who writes,
dear John Chris and Andy, in order of your Scrabble score,
it depends where you put the letters.
To today, if you put the J,
I'm John, yeah, you've got eight for the J,
you've got four for the H, and two ones.
Sure, potentially you can score big.
But if you just lay it out without any double words, triple words or anything, that's worth nothing.
You know, Andy, if you nail the Y, both Ys on a triple word score, you are scoring big time.
The point is, Andy, you're using a real name so it's not going to be applicable
anyway. That is true. You're getting thrown off the board. But double points for Swearwords.
Do you play that in America? Always. Yeah. Certainly Cedar was a tricky
letter to get rid of and scramble, that makes it a lot easier. So on the subject, Vasek
to me news now. You have our full undivided attention.
Today at 2.40pm I'll be putting my testicles in not just the capable hands of Dr Andrew
Hopwood, best of luck Dr. Hopwood, but in yours too, I've saved up an episode of the
bugle especially just to listen to during my op to take my mind off the scalpel and tube
burning work going on downstairs.
So I really need you guys to bring your A-game today.
I need to be funny enough that my mind doesn't wander, but not so funny that my
testicles don't wander around either.
So, best of luck.
With them, I believe that the bugle of fused correctly can bring sterility to anyone.
That is definitely your otherwise.
to rely on anyone. That is definitely your other words.
Centurum's brave underdog campaign had had the world on the edge of its seat, and its
seat on the edge of a cliff, just in case he actually won.
But the underdog has underhumped its last trouser leg for this year's campaign, at least,
and America will no longer have to follow that underdog around, wherever it goes with a plastic bag to clean up whatever it deposits before
the rest of the world sees it or still worse, treads at it. Marriage and Jesus' fan-sensor
arm has now dropped out to spend more time with his family, his lord, and his hobbies,
which include smiling disconcertingly, trying to interfere with other people's wounds,
hating homosexuals and wanting them to be miserable, and wondering why his number one hero, God, made people so obsessed with using their
willyards and spludges blockets, without which all these unholy pregnancies and disgusting
loving relationships between consenting adults would never have happened.
Italian democracy news now, and well, Italy can always be relied upon to provide some lights
in the tunnel of unremitting darkness that is global politics.
Yes.
And the little village of Similace in northern Italy has elected a mayor by accident.
He had only added himself to the ballot as a favour to his friend who actually wanted to become mayor and was the only candidate, but it was where that not enough people would vote if he ran on a post, rendering his unanimous
win invalid for not passing the required threshold.
Let's just be clear, Andy.
Let's just slow down for second to be clear.
A male was elected by accident.
Just let that fact swill around your palette, buglers, before you spit it into a bucket.
Taste that fragrant fact.
There's top note of creamy crazy, base note of buttery, battery.
It's a fact that would pair very well with monkfish.
It's like George W. Bush all over again, but with better food.
It just shows that in a Silvio burlis-goan-ealous future,
Italy can still bring it, Andy.
They're not just about hairplugged horn dogs.
They're about other stupid stuff too.
The man is a Fabio Borsappi, a 50 year old hotelier.
He bought 160 votes running on a platform of having absolutely no platform.
Well, his friend only scored 117 votes.
What a message to centre politicians.
Wow.
Another blow to the solar plexus of democracy.
Following as we report on the bugle,
some time ago, villages in Romania
electing a mayor even though he was dead,
which of course is a priceless quality
in modern politics making the candidate
more trustworthy, less annoying,
and less likely to cynically backtrack
on policies at the first sign of media criticism.
And of course, another similar incident
in which the US Republicans chose Romney
as their presidential candidate,
even though he is also dead on the inside.
And I think this time, from Simulace,
I don't know if I pronounced that right,
in Northern Italy, the message is,
we would rather have someone who actively did not want
to be a politician and has absolutely nothing
that he wants to impose on us.
And this in turn
backs up the idea that we suggested a long time ago, John, in the department that anyone
who has ever expressed any interest in entering politics as a career should be constitutionally
barred from doing so. Yes. That would solve most of the problems in the democratic world.
The details of this are even better. He only realized that he'd become mayor when people
telephone him as he was watching football to congratulate him. And he said, I find myself
a mayor who didn't want to be mayor. That's one of the most beautiful acceptance speeches
I've ever heard. And he's like a poem or a one-line description of a camo or calfkin novel. He said, most of all said, he said, I
wanted Geno to win. Even my relatives voted for him. My daughter, my sister, my father,
and my mother. They all voted for him. Well, he might want to talk to François Alande
about that. And because I'm fairly sure that he's
mummed in vote for Amina. And it really must have been, he was a good friend. They were
good friends. and he was doing
it as a favour for his friend who actually wanted to be married.
It must have been an awkward phone call Andy, that he had to deliver.
Hey buddy, I guess I must have missed you again, I suppose I'll just leave another message.
So you know, congratulations on coming second.
I know that you really wanted this job mate,
because we talked about it so much.
And I wanted it for you.
I voted for you.
But second is still a great achievement.
And you should feel really good about that.
Anyway, I better go.
Things are a bit busy here.
You know, I'm the mayor and everything.
Anyway, give me a call when you get a chance.
I'll be at the mayor's office. Not my office. I am the mayor and everything. Anyway, give me a call when you get a chance. I'll be at the mayor's office.
Not my office.
I am the mayor.
My phone number's changed as well.
It's a 800 mayor.
Or you could just call the town hall
and ask for the mayor, who is me.
Anyway, congratulations again, good buddy.
Hope you're not mad.
Let me know if I can do anything for you, you know,
as a friend, or as a man,
which is what I am now. Bye!
There you are kids. There's a new bugle next week. Take that.
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