The Bugle - The Bugle – The complete 2012 – Part 1

Episode Date: December 21, 2012

The Bugle celebrates the 1st half of 2012, and reveals the new logo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and well, the happiest of all available Christmases to you, unless, like John and I, you are godless infidel. Welcome to this supplementary Bugle 217 sub episode, Alif. I'm Andy Sultzen. We're in my kitchen here in London with me, not only in the same continent, the same country, the same city, but actually in the same room here in my kitchen, it's none other than John Oliver, the star of the beautiful podcast. Hello Andy, hello, Budelas, what a kitchen Andy. Yeah, strong coming is a lot of magic. Is it true that the Rolling Stone recorded an excellent main street in this kitchen? Well, not literally, but you know,

how they recorded it in a kitchen, they would probably have recorded it in one almost identical to this. I might have been confused by the fact that you have played the album X-O on Main Street in this kitchen. So I did hear it played in here on the kazoo The way they designed it here to be heard that's pretty much sure. Well, happy Christmas Andy. Thanks John heard that's pretty much well happy Christmas Andy thanks John I'm I mean you look at the birth of the man who of course as a Jew you would like to go on to murder well murder or successfully prosecution I mean it's it's a legal year in the year isn't it sure it's yeah it sure is when it's it's you know it's a tongue of year for reflection not not recrimination at all. And of course Father Christmas owned by no religion.

No. And this you can't, I guess, image supplied by Coca-Cola here as a religion. Yeah, he's the universal religion of children wanting presents. That's that trend. One thing's faith. No. One thing they demand in presents. That's that trend. One thing's fake. No. One thing, they demand in presents. What? What a retakes for you to get me a fucking bite. What's on your Christmas sister's here? I already have a Christmas list.

No, Andy. Just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just controller. So I just did actually even show you the trailer is out. Oh really? Smurfs to trailer is out. Have you recorded it? You already? I didn't realize that I had. Right. I don't you know we went into recording. Vanity Smurf appears in the trailer and it's right. That is sensational news. Well, don't say that until you've seen it. Yeah, I'm saying the news is sensational. Yeah, I've said I've never seen the first one. Well, you probably should. Yeah. Before you see the second one. Because you're not going to make structural sense without. I don't know, Andy, because as I pointed out, you're having the same

first one. So, the script of the second one, it would make a lot of sense to me. Really? Yeah. I think I'm storing them up to watch it all in one go. Yeah. Well, I mean, if you don't know what a plot is, how can you really get deep into the characterisation? I think it helps. I think it helps the character of Vanity who's always seemed socially dislocated to not be fully aware of who is around him or where he's going all times, I think it's helpful. Well I guess that's the nature of vanity isn't it? Yes, I guess you're expressing that in a sense.

It's entirely self-absorbed and uninterested in the other and that's what you'll see here when you see one of those two in theaters summer 2000 and next year. Yeah. I guess I'm more likely to see it on an airplane in some sort of hostage situation. These most great actors, Andy, don't know what is going on around them at any point. Well that's mostly because they're absolutely hammered. Oh wait, yeah, that was actually when you were in your dreams. Yeah, I'll live a reading. That's definitely true.

Apparently Daniel Dailouis, when he was according last time, he thought he was MacArthur. Really? Yeah. Thought he was in Pixar cartoon. Yeah. About racing horses. Was he not?

Apparently not. Apparently it was about maybe the Americans running around. I've been misinterpreted that film big time. Big time. So I hope you have a good Christmas beveless. Yeah, yeah, I hope it's awesome. So John, coming back to London, now as a foreigner, I mean, what, how do you see our great city?

Well, you're an outsider. I mean, in almost caricature or form, Andy, it's been raining nonstop. Yes, I've got here, and now half the country's flooded. Right. You bring extreme weather with you. His last time he came, he grumbled. Last time. Last time, no doubt in We've got lost on load out in Germany. I've got a lot of snow in Germany. And this time there are people can doing out of their garages.

So yeah, so we're just fucking in. It's hard to feel entirely welcome when now there is a borderline monsoon greeting your every move. Yeah, it's hard to explain to my wife that Britain is actually a pleasant place to live. Yes. You have the two times she's been here. That's right. There's been a historic ice storm. And now basically flood conditions.

Well, clearly wasn't pleasant enough for you not to jump ship at the first available opportunity. Did I jump off that ship and it was on the push? I don't know, we'll have to ask. Whoever was decommissioned in commonly at Radio 4 in the past. I'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith Thank you all who sent in entries. There have been some tremendous entries, and we're hoping we'll be in touch with some of you sent them in to see if you've been interested in your images being used for the future of bugle, murder, and dying machine. Yeah, there were some truly, truly remarkable ones

and a couple that were borderline psychotic. Yes. One which seemed threatening. And one which was unquestionably just a penis. I mean I'm neither us a marketing expert, but I think that wouldn't could have been a hard sell in the teen market. I'm afraid that just made it to the maybe part. But the winner is a guy called Benjamin Smith who is a very excellent design that we will put up on the website.

And so the exciting additional news of this is that once this is finalised, the viewer merchandise will be out within weeks. Within weeks there will be mugs. Just in time for missing Christmas by a month or so. Right, just in time, the off one, as you said, John, people are really tightening their belts. And, uh, The time of the year,

I think we'll have the least disposable cap. I mean, that's really what the bugle's always been about. It's always about timing things commercial, much of the least perfect degree. Just a song, we've moved off, it's only a year and a bit since we got ditched by the times we've roughly raced into this exploitation of the bugle market in a mere 18 months.

We have tried to do something to make this. I find actually viable escapade. That's right. I mean, because you've got to have a colour but if this muffs, it's the skidge. I mean, yeah, because it will be a big problem. Because it's hard to see that as not big my fault if a film goes from making half a billion dollars to any less than that. So thank you Ben Smith for your excellent. I thank all of you who sent them in particularly those who sent in good ones. Yeah, but most of them were good. It was a mix and it was quite a hard decision.

Yeah, and a long selection meeting. There's some very disappointed designs that let them in tears. There shouldn't be disappointed at that being overlooked. We hope all you bugles like Benjamin's design for the bugle logo. So well done, it's a great moment in the history of branding. Yeah, and this history of both of us fascinated by it. That always happened. I definitely see the point of it, and I value it as a skill. You're all about the logo, as you've done.

Always have been it. Andy, and always will be. When anyone who's, you know, knows, is familiar with our own personal websites, who will know, and so, you know, we're all about getting ourselves out there. I'm not entirely sure that I have one. I think you did, I did a couple of years ago.

I certainly did a couple of years ago, because I set you did. I did a couple years ago. I certainly did a couple years ago. Because I set it up and then haven't touched it since. Yeah. I can't. I can't. Your Twitter accounts going well, isn't it? I believe so. I don't think I've tweaked it since the election.

I think I've sent about five tweets. That's not bad going on. That's nice, it's all right. It's more than Frank and Roosevelt ever sent. Exactly. Five more than quite a major president in American history, so that puts me ahead of him. Yeah. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Yeah. Couldn't tweet from them. Didn't tweet about it, did he?

No, couldn't. Couldn't or wouldn't. So yeah. So yeah, it's been nine, we played football. Yeah, yeah, it's been 9 we played football. Yeah, terrific. I thought you'd lost the other pace to be honest mate. I was writing at 10 and I think I'll give you three. I think because I'm seeing a front of you all the time I'll give you two. Yeah, to be fair it wasn't my best game.

It wasn't very bad. But I did set you up for a goal and I put another one on a plate, the absolute spanner. That's what I bring to the going on my chances. I'm a facilitator. So I left my hat there, that's a real disappointment. Oh you did? Yeah. I was ashamed. You lost a hat. I mean this is the worst time of year to lose a hat. Christmas. You're supposed to be happy time of year. Yeah, and you're not thinking about the Paula for everything. No, just. Yeah, I'm sorry that your children are gonna have to suffer a meager Christmas.

That's good. They're dead lost in a hat. Cosmine's seven pounds. Yeah. You know how much together? You're gonna open every present from the saying, is this deadly hat that you lost that you want? Oh no, it's not.

It's a handmade card about how much you love me. Can I wear that on my head? No, I can't. That's a new flint. Well, it's Christmas is that learning as much as opening presents that you'll never play with. So, it's fun in the lesson. So, I think at this point in this special festive bugle. Jingle jingle, jingle jingle, jingle jingle jingle, ho ho ho ho. Holm, Holm, Holm, Holm, Holm, Holm, Holm, Holm, Holm. Ding dong, ding dong. We're going to play you some of the highlights of 2012 on the Bugle, our first year of Independence.

Yeah, Freedom! It's been a fun year on the Bugle. It year of independence. Yeah, freedom! It's been a fun year on the Bugle. It hasn't been a fun year. There's been some jokes. There's been some jokes and puns. Yeah. Yes, quite a lot of singing. Younged some good new words.

Get asked for a tune of the song. Yeah. It was a particular high point for me. So, lembre, old. So, lembre, magistical. Yeah. Yeah. There's been some good words. Well, that's work by word. We are rewriting the English language until

no person in English speaking welcome communicates seriously. It's good to have an ambition in life. That's good. So, I'm on my 2013 re-bring many more new words, but I'm going to have some more next week, some more a bit of 2012 on the bugle to see you through another year closer to the eventual annihilation of the pandemic and the merciful embrace of nothingness. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, And he who brought along a box for me that said free words on the front that have meant so much to the bugle over the years and have been the building blocks indeed of an entire nation. Those three words were Belgian waffle maker.

That's right. They brought me a Belgian waffle maker Andy. The card read as follows. Dear John and Ian Chris in order of enjoying these Belgian waffles. My roommate and I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and put our support behind you guys in any way we could. Being from Florida, the only way we knew how was the ancient Florida tradition of gifting

a Belgian waffle maker. The tradition first observed by European explorer Ponce de Leon. Legend has it that he encountered the Calusa Indians in the western portion of Florida. The Calusa presented him Mr. Daly on a primitive waffle make on a collection of tinting comics, which the Spaniards in their close-minded way took as a threat and fled. It was honestly later that they realized the Indians

had met no harm. But by then, it was too late as the Calusa had been seriously offended by the Spanish lack of manners. This eventually led to Ponst Daly on's death when a Calusa Indian arrow accidentally mortally wounded in. Anyway, please enjoy the waffles. Maybe you can hold a bake sale to save the bugle, Richard and Jim. Come on Andy.

That is some high end bullshit generosity with a side helping of bullshit reasoning behind it. Andy, you're actually coming here next week. You will be doing the bugle together next Friday. I'm going to whip you up a waffle, Andy. We'll eat like a couple of Belgians. Awesome. Have you made any waffles yet?

No, not yet. No, not yet. Andy, I'm waiting till you come here. The only side note to this story is that when I got to the airport, the driver said, oh, what have you got in there? And I said, what, it's a waffle maker someone from the gig had given me.

And he said, have you actually checked what's in the box? LAUGHTER I said no. from the gig and given me and he said, have you actually checked what's in the box? LAUGHTER I said no and he said, it isn't a knife or a gun or some hero in it. And I laughed and then I thought, actually I don't know. And let me tell you, as that box went through the scanner

and you know I looked at the TSA agent screen, I've never wanted to see the outline of a Belgian waffle like a mole. Top story this week Wikipedia goes on strike. What do we want? Let me just check. Let me just look that up. Oh shit, I forgot Wikipedia's gone down. I think that's something to do with the internet. When do we want it? I don't know, let me just check. How the f*** is it? I think it was soon, but I'm not sure. Shit! Presidential campaign update now.

And sadly, we must all bid a fond farewell to the Rick Perry Presidential campaign. Rarely has a candidate flamed out so spectacularly after coming in so strong. He truly looked more comfortable in a cowboy hat than out of one, which is a great quality in a cowboy and a slightly frightening one in a potential president. He certainly looked more comfortable in a cowboy hat than in a televised debate, for example. And he has withdrawn from the nominations race. Perhaps,

I mean, let's, let's try and be generous here. Perhaps because he realized that the whole process is a massive waste of time and money, a travesty of demotion, and an insult to the intelligence of all Americans. But also because things hadn't really been going too well for him since he forgot his own policies in the TV debate. Perry said yesterday, I'm pulling out of the race,

and I would like instead to endorse, a whole, what's his name? Ah, no, no, no, no, no, the guy with the suspicious looking hair, it doesn't look real, does it? Ah, no, it's time to tip my tongue, you know, the chap who always does the funny Mexican accent in the green room before debates, can bench 350 and has the increasingly

stroppy collection of ex-wives, no, no, no, it's gone, anyway, I'm supporting him. It does seem more and more likely that the Republicans are going to get the candidate that almost none of them want, Mitt Romney. And as you say, in a final desperate attempt to not having Rick Perry endorse Newt Gingrich, who may have the only chance of beating Romney despite the fact that Newt Gingrich has a lifetime of inexplicably successful horned doggery that keeps coming back to bite him. Let me take you on a little stroll through his strangely

high-profile sexual history. Kingrich met his first wife at high school when she was one of his teachers. So even at that age, he was living out the plot of a bad porn film. He left her while she was getting treatment for cancer to be with his second wife, who he later left when she had multiple sclerosis, to be with his third wife,

who could hardly complain if the cycle continued one day. Classy. It's not clear exactly how he does this. And his only response to this, history, seems to basically be, players gone. LAUGHTER Players gone play people. LAUGHTER The only solution to this secret event is that power must be an intense affradiac

because the only other answer is that Newt Gingrich has a 14-inch penis. LAUGHTER I cannot believe in a god that would let something like that happen in the world. And the Florida primary took place on Tuesday and although Florida has a history of awkwardly close elections, it was absolutely no doubt about the winner this time. It was the storm and Mormon Andy Willard Mitt Romney. The race had been close up to a week ago, but the only real debate afterwards

was about how you would describe the crushing victory that he delivered. I heard the result very slowly refer to on TV as a thumping, a roasting, a dresden bombing. That was a direct quote. And CNN alone used the word shellacking five times. And they were right to wear out their ther sources and because it was a thrashing, a pasting, a pounding, a spanking, a flogging, it was basically a dominatrix's entire service menu. What I'm saying is, Mitt Romney dripped hot wax on to Newt Gingrich's balls. In fact, in fact, Andy, words alone do not get across

the scale of this defeat. Images might demonstrate it better. You may have seen the very popular YouTube video of a little girl at a zoo waving at a lion as the lion mulled the glass in front of her. Well imagine if that glass wasn't there. That little girl is Newt Gingrich's campaign. Newt Gingrich's campaign is now a dead little girl inside a lion. Does that help? What I'm trying to say is, Mitt Romney won Florida by 15 points.

LAUGHTER And he seems to have cut loose as a result that started saying some pretty exciting things, including, I'm not concerned about the very poor. Yes. It's a wonderful thing for a politician, so I guess, you know, from his point of view, they don't vote much, they don't pay much,

and he's not allowed to shoot them anymore. So I'm not as damaged. Just not that fussed about them. They don't vote much, they don't pay much, and he's not allowed to shoot them anymore. So, I'm telling this down this. Just not that fast about them. They don't really impinge on his personal face. So it seems that America has looked at a gift horse in the mouth with Rick Santorum and turned him away, probably because they weren't sure if he was actually a gift horse or one of the four horses of the apocalypse. Mitt Romney, as you say, looks like he's all but tied up through a public en nomination and that Republicans are gonna have to do what women sometimes tell themselves

they have to do and just settle. Just settle. Sure, he may not be perfect, he may not be who you dreamed of ending up with, he's not Mr. Wright, but look, it's time to just suck it up and settle down. You could do a lot worse, right? Maybe. Sure. Besides, as often as you're skilled, skin doesn't crawl when you're seeing, you're doing the right thing. you just suck it up and settle down. You could do a lot worse, right? Maybe, sure.

Besides, that's not what you just skill skin doesn't crawl when you see him, you're doing the right thing. Hold on, what's that crawling feeling? Oh boy. And as you say, the only candidate left now are Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich. And Newt Gingrich is still in the race,

either because he feels he can get as far as a broken convention or as is much more likely because he needs money because his campaign is in a f*** of a lot of debt. The Gingrich campaign recently bounced a $500 check for the filing fee for the June the 26th Utah primary. That's a bad sign Andy. That's very bad. And apparently his campaign is around $ and a half million dollars in debt.

Having said that, could Gingrich not argue that what is more American than being in a massive amount of debt? Does that not make him more quintessentially American than any of the other candidates? Having been moral high ground in American politics, I guess's like climbing the tallest mountain in Holland. It was still essentially pretty much below sea level. But Romney does now have a clear run into tackling the reigning US presidential election champion Barra Khabama, or as many Republicans still think of him and Mahamad Kipptonooey. But the major concern for Romney, the Massachusetts Macchi of Ellie himself and for his supporters, must be that their man having power spewed so much vitriol and overcoming Santorum, might actually have vitrioled himself out by the time he even tries to chunder more vitriol

all over President Obama, who of course has his own lavish vitriol spuing machine at the ready for the battles ahead. That's racially somewhat disturbing question for all democracies though. Has top level democracy now become the preserve only of those who have access to massive reserves of vitriol? What chance now for candidates who just want to debate the issues but are power-hosted into oblivion by candidates with seemingly inexhaustible supplies of their own personal and big corporate vitriol resources?

Isn't democracy fun? We fought world wars for it. People have laid down their lives and freedoms for it. It has been held up as a beacon of hope for the oppressed and the disenfranchised, all with a distant expectation at one day, a multi-millionaire vulture capitalist would have the rights to the freedom and the inclination

to spend millions and millions of dollars on advertisements savagely lampooning someone who essentially thinks exactly the same as him. George Washington must be spinning in his grave, John, and spinning so fast that he will probably soon power drill his way out of it, and find himself zooming around over America in a lower-but-shouting, no, you f***ing num-skulls, it wasn't supposed to be like this Georgie cross lion Georgie wants zebra Sorry, I'm getting a point the point is

Is this what you did at the zoo in the weekend? So you have nothing to the zoo And you've been personifying animals for too long, if you want. LAUGHTER 200 years to the day, John, as we were called, since Spencer Percival became the first and to date only British Prime Minister to be assassinated. That is, if you exclude Harold McMillan, who is assassinated by natural causes in his sleep at the age of 92.

The 12th century art bishop and celebrity, Thomas the Becket, who was assassinated but wasn't Prime Minister, the 1977 Wimbledon champion, Virginia Wade, who is 0 for 2 on being either Prime Minister or assassinated, for which we should be eternally grateful on both counts. I have nothing against her politically, I'm just happy with her as a tennis bandit. Now also if you include John F. Kennedy, who was American and not Prime Minister, but could have been, if America hadn't had to have just over in the late 18th century. Good point. And champion the Wonder Horse, the 1950s fictional horse. It wasn't assassinated, Prime Minister Aura Horse. Well, I mean all those three, I'll think all that history, be the judge on that.

But I personally was bumped off in the lobby of the House of Commons by lone gunman John Bellingham, who was hacked off with the government and dealt with that hacked offence in a slightly silly way with hindsight. He'd, the way he did it, that he'd taken a friend to see a watercolor painting exhibition and then casually remarked he had some business to attend to, went to Parliament and shot the Prime

Minister. That was nice bit of classic British understatement, isn't it? Excuse me, I just thought of a little bit of business to attend to. He died in the House of Commons presumably to tears from opposition MPs about how he had broken a manifesto promise not to be shot dead, whilst his press secretary hastily sealed a press briefing, trying to spin the story as personal, showing how in touch with ordinary people he was just by, like ordinary people, would dying. And an inquest was held the following day, and can you guess where it was held, John? I don't know, Andy, where was it? It was held in the cats and backpipes pub on the corner of Downing Street. Naturally.

Some say it was in the Rosen ground pub. Either way, it was in a pub or more likely in two pubs. Right, before we get down to business, pint, yep, pint. Only a half of you driving, go on, have a pint. As long as your horse doesn't drink, it'll be fine. Pint, bloody Mary, too soon, Jeffrey. Pint, pint, pint. Right. Okay, I'll get some Chris. We'll get four packets of you can share them. Okay, so let's get to business. Three hours later. Who's around? Is it? We might as well get a couple

of whiskey changes too. Okay. So how do we reckon the past had died? Shot. Yeah, reckon he was shot. Yeah. Anyone think he got a septal seamy from a rusty bullet? No, he was shot. Right, that OK, it's closed. Let's see, these often head down the road and crown for a couple more. And the golden tie fired for a quick booby. I'll tell you what, that Jane Austen.

Oh, yeah. So this is the Beagle for the Wheat Beginning Monday, the 7th of May 2012, 25 years to the day since 1987, the day Margaret Thatcher secretly gave birth to Lady Gaga, and named her magic new child after herself. Then, shipped her off to America to be raised by the Reagans. Also, 60 years since the Queen, in the early days of her reign said, look everyone, I'm levitating. I knew I was magic now, I'm Queen. Before the then Prime Minister Winston Churchill said, you're not levitating, Mom.

You're bouncing up and down on my tummy. That's not the same. To which the Queen replied, shut up Mr. Trempoline, I'm having fun. BELL RINGS BELL RINGS As always, a section of the eagle is going straight and then this week, part one of a new safety

in the kitchen, do some don'ts audio This week, part one of a new Safety in the Kitchen, Doos and Donuts audio series. And part one is a don't. Did I turn this on? That's a don't, Andy. That is a don't. That is a don't, OK. I was just worried you were suggesting that was was a kitchen doom at some point there. It's a kitchen don't.

Shut to the heart! And you're too blame! You give love! What, Andy? What does Bon Jobe give love? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh A bad name! A bad name. I was also accused of cooking my son a bad name. Well, now... You're right, in saying that Britain and America are not particularly good when it comes to gender equality in politics.

The UK has the 49th equal highest proportion of women in the lower house of Parliament. Level with Eritrea and Uzbekistan. Well, Stukmerich is...ia, it's essentially first equal. That's level with Turkmenistan and 1% ahead of North Korea. So holy shit, is that true? So I think I'm not going quite as well as I could have been in terms of Mrs. Panker's not getting increasingly stroppy in her grave. I'm not saying all women should be MPs, John.

But what I am saying is that 30% of all male MPs and male representatives in whatever America calls its lower house should be randomly selected for sex change operations. I think that would also weed out those who weren't fully committed to their political beliefs rather than personal aggrandizement. Well that's not the point when it comes to Egypt. The point is that the promise of a new free Egypt post-revolution does not seem to be getting extended to women, despite the role that they played in the revolution itself. Even at the height of the protest in Tariya Square last year, when women bravely buxed the conventions of society and turned up to join the demonstrations, some men yelled at them,

go back home and feed your babies to which the natural human responses f*** off and don't be such an asshole. But sadly, in some societies, women aren't allowed the joys of using such elegantly-calf-ded comebacks as those. In the new Egyptian parliament, there are only nine women MPs out of some 508 seats.

That sounds pretty bad, but it sounds even worse when you find out that under Mubarak, there was a legal quota of at least 64 women MPs or 12% of parliament. You really don't want to be less good at something that a man who was just hounded from office and is on trial for human rights abuses. That just does not look good. Hack attack update now, and well, sad news about our old employer, Andy News International, which has been a paragon of virtue and journalistic ethics up until the actions

of just a few thousand bad apples, spoiled it all for the two or three good apples that work there. The phone hacking scandal has claimed another victim, as James Murdoch has stepped down as executive chairman of News International, the UK newspaper business that owns the Sun and the Times. James Murdoch, who coincidentally is actually related by blood to Rupert Murdoch.

In fact, I believe he's actually his son, although it's got absolutely nothing to do with him, getting any of the jobs he's had in New Zealand's National, said, I deeply appreciate the dedication of my many talented colleagues at New Zealand's National who work tirelessly to inform the public. Oh, I'm sorry, inform the public. Does James Murdoch know what the word inform? Me and Dandy, someone should tell him quickly because I'm pretty sure he'll want a quickly issue or a interaction. Demoralize the public, certainly. Poison the public, metaphorically. Miss Lee, the public, occasionally, make the world a slightly worse place for the public. Always, Andy, always. That's the news international guarantee.

Do you know, and it's not as much fun doing this, not the world, or something. It's not so, it's not, it's just, it was more fun saying this before we were fired. It's not the same thrill anymore. In fact, I feel like I'm chasing the kind of adrenaline right that we got. I could only do that if I started

insulting SoundCloud. You know, they haven't illegally tapped anyone's phones. Yes, yes, Andy, what are you up to SoundCloud playing the long game? I'm watching you SoundCloud and thank you for your support. But I want you SoundCloud, news international support it does for years and now they're in court. I fully expect you to lawyer up by 2015 soundcloud. I'm watching you soundcloud. Is this on? Rupert Murdock, last weekend, launched the new Sun on Sunday newspaper, filling the hole that had been left by the defunct news of the world in terms of something pretty shit to read on a Sunday, if you've got anything else to do. And he said that he did pray for the son for always uncovering stories to inform and protect

the public. He sent an email to son staff saying this, inform and protect the public. I think he seems to be mixing up stories with breasts. And I don't know what he's protecting the public from John, I imagine he's protecting them from not seeing enough breasts. And I mean he's a hero in that regard. He also said in the email, we will obey the law, illegal activities simply cannot and will not be tolerated. At any of our publications, our Board of Directors, our management team and I take these issues very seriously. And unfortunately, at the end of that, he omitted the word, now. Top story this week, Election Roundup. And I mean election roundup in the literal sense because much of the election roundup

news this week involves world leaders literally rounding up opposition activists before the election takes place and bundling them into a back of a van. I don't know how you chose to celebrate, Andy. I know that many people here in America chose to head down to SeaWorld in Florida to see a recreation of the daring operation boy. They're incredible SEAL Team 6. It's basically six SEALs in night vision goggles, Andy, with plastic machine guns storming an inflatable version of the Abadabad compound that's floating in the middle of their pool. And they use their guns to shoot suckerdarts at another seal wearing a long beard. It's incredible they are the best there is.

For the details of a merge of exactly the circumstances Ben Laden was living in which is not really what you expect from an A-lister, as a lot of think of himself. As we reported on the bugle last year, I mean, not only the one year anniversary of the death of Ben Ladenjom, but also the one year anniversary of the first use of the term, f*** you, Logy. That's right, I think.

It's been with us for a year. Whole year has been in our mouths. It needs to be commemorated. Yeah, so in the compounds, I mean, they found $450 cash sewn into his clothes, which, I don't know, maybe he's just like having George Washington's face oddly close to his skin to keep himself angry about America,

but that's an oddly specific sum, John, because I've been on the internet and there are only three things you can buy that add up to $450. He was saving up for an Nintendo Wii, a George Foreman grill, and a porcelain Chris Ackibusi. What atrocity was he planning with that lot? Oh god, that is a fearsome list of ingredients. And they found two buffaloes. Well, you know, fair play. Everyone loves jousting.

They found one cow, because there are two things who know been Lord and loved, one pantomimes and two realism. And I think we were probably lost here. They found 150 chickens, and I've been thinking about this, almost non-stop since then, John. And I think there's only two possible explanations for this. One is that Ben Laden knew he was finished. He knew he was a busted flush.

The only way he could make himself the irrelevant and powerful anymore was by on the hour, every hour getting six freshy laid eggs and crushing them in his bare hand. Saying to himself, you've still got it, Aussie. You've still got it. That's what he was reducing.

The only other explanation, I don't know how to break this to you, is that a son of in-lawden was holding a chicken fighting competition. Oh, no. Now he wouldn't do that. Well I've done the maths on this job. I think with 150 chickens it was most likely a seven round knockout, Wimbledon style. Now that of course would require 128 chickens. But he probably thought there'd be some fatalities amongst the victorious chickens.

So he had 22 backup chickens to parachute into the draw. Smart. In the event of one of the winning chickens dying. But the problem with this John, is that you could end up with one of the chickens winning the whole competition, only fighting in the final. If the winning semi-finalist died.

And that's obviously unfair. Yes, that's a lot, Andy. But I guess he wasn't really a fair man. That probably didn't even occur to him. And that shows you what kind of monster we were dealing with. But not only have they found his last words, but also the US government this week has released a computer simulation of Bin Laden's final thoughts

as a conscious human being. And we at the Bugle have got exclusive access to this exclusive coverage of Bin Laden's final conscious thoughts. Well summer, the thing gave me up. I, the self-styled, rowdy, Saudi, the Torah, Bora, Loring Nora. I'm done for. Slice me into soldiers and dip me in an egg. I am toast. Just a few moments to assess what I've done with my life. There are so many things I haven't done I really

wanted to do. I've never quite fully got around to destroying America and all it stands for. Oh no, that was career goal. Hey, I haven't even come close. Maybe with hindsight I could have gone about it differently. The whole acts of mass violence perpetrated on the Innocent Stick didn't really catch Western public imagination. Still, if I've learned one thing from that, it is never trust a focus group, or at least never trust a focus group made up entirely of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. Live and learn. Maybe you should have tried to convert people door to door, your over-switness style. Hello, have you ever thought about

him discriminating slaughter, institutionalized misogyny and destruction of civilization as we know it? Okay, I see you're busy right now. Should I come back next week? There's no need to slam that door in my face. Oh, hindsight, mine's sight. Never got around to wiping his tail off the face or the glow by the. Never fulfill my lifetime wiping his tail off the face or the glow-bider. Never fulfilled my lifetime ambition of breaking his 755 mile and hour barrier on a unicycle. I guess when I look back at things I have to say, I've never been very good at setting achievable goals.

Oh well, that's the 21st century for you, I guess. So how do we make time for your career these days? Particularly when you've got a wife and kids and even more particularly when you've got six wives and 22 kids like I have silly silly Aussie. I shouldn't have burdened myself with such a big family if I wanted to be so focused on my own career How was I supposed to destroy the West Israel and capitalism if every other fucking weekend birthday party? I guess that's genetics. I'm like my dad, 22 wives, 57 children,

an indecisive man, but a randy one. Maybe I've been in a terrorism game too long. Should have moved jobs. I could do loads of other stuff. Sure I'm getting on a bit. But I have proven organizational and communication skills. People might clue with what I've organized and communicated, but still, a good employee should look beyond that.

Ah, I love Salis Felsora, stricter recently. My life insurance premiums are absolutely f***ing ridiculous. I'm decolking at triggers. Manaka really do with some quality meat I'm right now. That must be a way out of this. Think cosy, think. Oh shit these are real wings. I've never buying anything off eBay again.

Right, come on a summon. Please go down with some unforgettable last words. That to the south. No, just kidding, the west. Oh you guys. No, I want some people that I remember for eternity. To look back on and centuries to come and say, what an unbelievable thing for a man to say Oh, you guys. No, I want some people that I remember for eternity. To look back on and centuries the comments say,

What an unbelievable thing for a man to say as he departed this world. Something like, there was no man from that socket who'd tangled his bolt in a bucket. No, no, that's not really me, is it? I got it. Don't shoot me, I'm allergic to lead. If you shoot me as health and safety violation, No, it might work. Right, go and define it or summer. Looking at where they're aiming, this is going to be at best they can air-ending eye injury. Clear ahead now. One final thought. Oh, oh dear. No, no, I cannot die with this in my head.

I can't die with this junior minor. I owe summer being done. The baddest bastard in the world. Can't die with this junior going around my head. Right now, I gotta start watching kids TV. And then, good comes out and it's that. Bloody wasted in for those. Stick up some... stick up another tune. Stick up another tune. Stick up something else. I've been trying to get going.

Oh yeah, I can't do that to this. I don't know. I don't really like moving it that much. No, no, no, something else. That's completely inappropriate. No, no, no. Grudging respect, but... No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.

Stop. Well, that's even worse. No, I'll take five-feet in the flounders. I'll take five-feet in the flounders. Okay, that will happen, do it. Okay, I'll look and sign myself with that. Okay, one final conscious thought before meeting my presumably quite done impress maker. Oh, forever. Oh, forever. Final come just up before meeting my presumably quite done impress maker

What are you fighting that what are you fighting that thing my house? Oh, not this squeaky duck. Have you no compassion? Oh, no! Hey, boy. I'm gonna miss you, too, sticky. You got him. Yes, that's out. Why are you doing here? What? Andy, for a start. This is for you. For me, John.

What a scoop. What a scoop. Congratulations. No, the Pentagon, they're the ones that got it. This email comes in from the wonderful named Gourash Koss, who writes, dear J-A-N-C, in order of how likely you are to become exiled from China. Well, that's happened here, isn't it? Up in the air. As long as I can remember, I've been proud of my surname Kos, which in my native Slovenian language means

Blackbird. The surname is also shared by such remarkable things as the US Corporation Kos Pharmaceuticals, characters in the Game of Thrones and Norwegian Olympic medalists. A few years ago when I still had a noteworthy job, and was visiting around on business for the first time, a gracious business partner had informed me just before I was about to make a public presentation that my last name Cos means KEEP in Colour Quill Farsi. WOOOOOO! Stuckled, I had to quickly alter my presentation, so at no point mentioned my full name, and I'd made sure no matter how far from the occasion had been that I mentioned it only my first name.

So now condemned only a one word name in Iran I share the same fate as Madonna and Prince where a higher power has made sure that we will never again make public appearances in that country again. It's truly gauraged costs. Is that why Madonna and Prince only have one name? Yeah, because their surnames are like, c*****er. Yeah. Wow, you're making your own bleeping work now, Chris. You're doing it to yourself.

The B So long, Plato, Pericles and Aristotle were to be transported to Greece now. They would feel like parents returning home early from vacation to see their house has been trashed by a party their teenage just had that got out of hand. What the f*** happened here? We were only away for two thousand years. What the f*** have you done to this place? Wait, who are those morons with swastikers? Please tell me this is a joke.

Please tell me that you didn't use democracy to actually give these pricks any power. What the f*** is wrong with you? And holy s***, what happened to the pathonon? You trashed it! How would you not take care of a building like that? And why aren't any of you wrestling? And why isn't everyone naked?

What the fuck has happened to this country? Hold on, hold on. Calm down. This is still the most powerful country in the world, right? What do you mean, no? Who is then? What the fuck is America? Okay, okay, okay. But the name Gre Greece is still synonymous

with the greatest minds in human history, correct? Please tell me that you haven't even trashed the greatness of our reputation. We're still the philosopher kings, right? What do you look at your feet for? Look me in the eye and tell me what Greece is most famous for. A beggy pardon? What the f*** is a mousse-sucker? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I did, John. Ha ha ha ha. Bit of fun.

Yep. Bit of fun. I'm so sorry, Pericles. So... Bye! Bye! you