The Bugle - The Crowd Heckled 'Sexy!'

Episode Date: September 18, 2023

Humans in space, Bees on earth and Kim in Russia. Telling jokes about these things: Andy Zaltzman (now officially sexy), Chris Addison and Alice Fraser.PLUS: Become the owner of an exclusive episode of The Bugle, on 12 inch vinyl! Become a premium member NOW! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanAlice FraserChris AddisonAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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400 randomly selected people in the London Theatre were to describe me, they would probably say, I heard it. We all heard it. Sorry. I've had most heckles in my time, but not that. We are here on the 16th of September 2023, meaning it is the International Day for the Preservation of the Ozone Layer. Don't crowd seem to be a little bit split on the Ozone Layer. Some fan, some skeptics. To me, what a layer, that is the ozone layer, easily one

of my favourite layers of all time. Doesn't make a bit fuss about it, just gets on with the job, but a terrific little oxygen allotrop as well, ozone. Sweeps up all that dangerous ultraviolet light, like a podcast host at a breakfast buffet, sorry, am I sharing too much? I've actually got some ozone and oxygen because they're both made of oxygen. This is a bit o'r yw and I are taking a hot air balloon 20 kilometers up in the sky, where we will release the ozone back into the wild. Also on this date, 16 September 1959, the first successful photocopier, the Xerox 914, there is a lot of photocopier that is, it was introduced the world in a televised demonstration in New York, the inventor, Chester Carlson thrilled the watching world and expanded the limits of human communication

by photocopying his arse. Then giggling to himself, pulling his trousers back up and saying, nothing is ever going to be the same again. Prior to Carlson's invention, the most efficient way of people fulfilling the basic human urge to make copies of their arse is by chiseling them in marble. Michael Angelo and office Christmas parties was a lethal combination. Or by sitting on a canvas covered in wet paint. But I made it difficult to do that unnoticed without people saying,

you've got paint all over your f***ing trousers. So this is a huge breakthrough for human technology. Now, as always, a section of the bugle is going, where? It's going where, London? I still enjoy that. This week we have a special... ...strong work. We have a special... ...special. ...was the word. We, this week, in the bin, Prime Minister's books—now we exclusively revealed on last week's

bugle that Liz Truss is threatening to publish a book about the 2.7% of a full electoral term that she managed to heroically endure as Prime Minister. She will go through with the publication unless her demands are met. Trust. To be fair to trust, she is still a metal contender for best prime minister of the decade so far. And we've had exclusive pre-release copies of her books. She's probably going to argue that her downfall was partly due to there being too much support for the global left. And as you will of course course, recall only too clearly from what about a year ago.

It was a cabal of card carrying commies in the 1922 committee of Backbench Tory MPs, who quite sovietically and with Marxism a forethought, scuttled her dreams of an economy of eternal chaos. But she's not the only Prime Minister bringing books out. Of course, Theresa May, there is the abuse of power, which is sadly not a heart-rending account of the weight-shaming of former Indian spin-bola, Ramesh Power. Nor sadly...

Hold in chains. This is why I can't do club gigs. Nor is it a biomechanical explanation of how the Darts career of multiple world championship winner Phil the Power Taylor was all down to his strong core musculature the abuse of power would no doubt have been a scintillating read. If you can't be asked to read the whole thing luckily I've got this new book summarising device on my phone that can condense all books into six words I'll just scan it in and I'll tell you what this book says.

Right, I've got a reading. G's that guy, what a f***! So, I dragged it out to 80,000 words, she's on a winner. Boris Johnson himself is actually also writing a book about his period in office, a book that will put the me, the I, another I, another me, another I, one more me, and two final I's into Memoir of My Time as Prime Minister. And former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison is publishing a children's book. Chris, we got the cover up there. Fawr mwy'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr i'n ysgwyr a'r ddod yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn ffordd yn fford deeper into her, Oce, her willed-a-be-de-speasty and flesh. The pain and imminent inevitability of death

scored at the synapses of her willed-a-brain. Winona's mind flashed back through her life. She remembered the time she teared in her mother-wilmer, clawed down slain and disemboweled by Louis Uncle Levi. And when her brother Wilfred was shot in cold blood for sport by an American tourist called Derek from Texas. And as Winona's final willed-a-breath spluttered into the hot African air,

droplets of her bloody desperation, specked into the hot African air, droplets of a bloody desperation speckling against the sunset of the day and of her life, she emitted a final willed wind per a ultimate agony, her inescapable solitude echoing off the canopy of the TV documentary Cruise Truck. The last words Winona heard with the director saying, yeah, that's the money And an ecstatic David Attenborough cackling, you never get tired of it. Fill up my flask while it's still warm. Louis Raw, as he finished his numb-nums, Yuck, he said, Leoninely, I don't even fucking like Wildebeest, Upper Fir Zebra. Zoe the Zebra is here, is pricked up.

He said, Zoe, breaking into another oh, so stripy run, I fucking hate my life. So, Scott Morrison's nuclear in. And well, on that subject, it's time to meet our two guests, one of whom is from the other side of the equator. Please welcome the Southern Hemisphere's very own Alice Fraser! When she walks, she must find. Welcome.

Like a flamingo. Welcome, Alice. Welcome. What have you got in there? I've got about half a child ending in the house. About 50% of a baby on its way. Do they? Because obviously you're Australian, they grow from the other way up, don't they?

Yeah, I know, you just print out like one limb a month and then you assemble it later. Are we learning? How was the Edinburgh Festival? I was so delighted, it was really lovely. I really enjoyed it, particularly the part where I said, I'm not going to be back next year and everyone went. Well, I've been back for four years and the number of people I've heard say, I wish you an Edinburgh this year is one. It's my wife. and the number of people I've heard say, I wish you an edit in my this year is one.

It's my wife. Anyway, it's my wife. Joining us today, still languishing outside the top 1000 in the men's tennis rankings, which is bad news for him, but good news for us. Otherwise, he'd probably be trying to pick up ranking points and, especially, attended tournament in Tashkent. Instead of which, he's right here

right now it's Chris Addison! Hey yeah! Can I just say how offensive I find it how much taller your microphone is than mine? You can't be offended by biology. Not in this day, Nate. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Good night. LAUGHTER How are you, Chris? I'm good. When does Richard Herring get here? LAUGHTER Yeah, I'm great, thanks, honey. I'm really good. I think it's time for top story

this week. So you put a bit more effort into that this time. I'll never do it again, I'm sorry. Space, the final frontier or just a waste of space. We'll try and answer that question for you now. It is, of course, one of the oldest questions facing our planet. Ever since the dinosaurs ruled the world, why are the people in charge shut s**t idiots? And another question of the art dinosaurs never got to their bottom of that. Another question is, is there anyone else out there?

Certainly a question I asked myself when I did my first show at the Edom Raffringen 2001. The duck of doom, the duck of, and sold one ticket on, on, on, I asked for my money back. And this week we've been turning the Google telescope skywards to find out if there might be something anything anywhere that might come to save us from ourselves and the James Webb Space Telescope. I mean, that deserved a woo. That is an amazing piece of technology, but I gave it such a boring name that no one gives a shit about it. Big Jim has been snooping on the aliens for us, and it might have discovered evidence

of life on a far away planet, just a million, billion kilometers away. It's one of the ones in the top corner there, I think. a'r ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysgwch yn ysg is suspected dimethyl sulfide, which can only be generated on Earth by phytoplankton. So options are, the potential traces are wrong. They've got it wrong, their instruments are wrong, or there are other ways than phytoplankton to make dimethyl sulfide. Or we are only a couple hundred million years away from sentient life. New friends! That billionaire Brian Johnson will live to me down your friend. I've drawn a set of, I'm so anti-social, that is about the rate at which I make new friends. I mean it's, it's exciting because the possible phytooplankton or mytooplankton as I like to call them. What they call a Goldilocks planet, which is so called because it's full of porridge.

You know, mummabares, mumayers' bowl has to have been quite wide and flat to have gone cold while baby bears' bowl stayed the right temperature. Because normally, that's the law of thermodynamics, right, a smaller bowl would get colder at a quicker rate and presumably they're all served in the same... What is... They might have had a motley collection of them,

but they might even have a double-walled bowl for keeping porridge warm, but only one of them. But oh, yeah, only daddy gets that one. Right. A bloody patriarchy, honestly. Anyway, the science journalists are calling the traces of dimethyl-sulfide alien farts, which confirms my belief that scientists talk to science journalists like their six-year-olds who need to be lured into eating their information vegetables through the medium of toilet humor, sexual innuendo or fairytale.

To be fair, my nearly two-year-old loves porridge but refuses to eat it unless you're telling her the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears which explains why I've thought too much about bowl size. Chris, I think I'm right in saying you are the only bugle co-host who has been abducted by aliens. Well, I'm the only one who has Ysgwch, mae'n gweithio'r ysgwch yn ymwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgwch i'n gweithio'r ysgw There's no way that a space telescope named after a man who worked for NASA in the 1950s. Is anything other than a project to find sexy lady aliens and spy on them when they're getting ready for bed in their underwear? They keep making ever more sensitive telescopes, Jodrol Bank, the Hubble, the James Webb, clearly, they're not going to stop until they develop one that can actually see through the bras of the sexy lady aliens. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r asumption, yn ymwyr i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llwydw i'r llweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith testimony on extraterrestrial life. I've got a picture of the alien that's there. Now who thinks that is an actual alien? Right? Certainly not the man who's looking far off to the right. Like nobody

touched it, it's clearly made of Papier M.S.A. This was paraded in front of the Mexican Senate, He was a sports journalist who has become a UFO enthusiast. I mean, I can see myself going the same way, to be honest. He described it as the queen of all evidence. In other words, it's not going anywhere anytime soon. And objectively, it's completely absurd. So I mean, are you convinced by this, Chris? Well, no, because the science community has rebuffed the claims by pointing out that they're

bollocks. Surgical grade horseshit. Horsehit isn't used that often in surgery to be fair, but when it is, you do need the really good stuff. So if these mummies are not alien, what are they? Well, let's look at the evidence. They're three-foot tall. They found them in Peru.

They're Paddington, aren't they? He's hunted and killed Paddington and Aunt Lucy and presented their desiccated corpses to the Mexican Senate. There's no point during the deny it, they claim that they found eggs in the abdomen, yeah? Anything else because it sounds to me like you're trying to stop us noticing that behind the eggs is a Marmalade sandwich. This has the makings of an international incident which could very easily get out of hand. There is precedent. We don't want to repeat at the great Womble Wars of the 19th century when Britain took up arms against pressure after it became clear that Bismarck had been capturing and farming

Wombles to use their peltzer's trims for Kaiser Wilhelm I, Summerweight pyjamas, sending pressures minority Womble population underground, then overground, but never Wombling free. The war was harsh, a lot of stuffing was spilt. Several crack battalions of Teletubby infantry were massacred, a tragedy later blamed on the difficulty in maintaining discipline battle communications when all you can say is E-O. Both Trump and Ann Ballamori were raised to the ground by Prussian artillery, and to this day conspiracy theorists

argue the whole thing was a false flag operation to cash in on the reconstruction organized by Bob the builder. The war dragged on for years and years. It might have been over much more quickly, we're not for the fact that children's characters aren't allowed to work after 7pm. Never again Andy never again oh the one-planity and that's where that famous Bismarck saying blood iron and goggly eyes

I mean did you we were you impressed by that? Do you think they're genuine aliens? So, 2000 year old little... Is this a trick question? No. Because I think if you look at those and you think they're real aliens, then you should get a job pretending those are real aliens like I just... Let's move on now. Chris, let's have a sting for the next...

Let's move on now. Chris, let's have a sting for the next time. There we go. Romance news now and the date of the year has taken place. It's a super piece of audience participate. Over the last week or so we have had the, well, a bromance bubbling to the surface between two men who maybe struggle for meaning in life. Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un, the love that De not speak its name, have met in, I mean, feel the chemistry. Is it the love that Donald Speakers name

because it's going to be arrested and jailed? This is, yes, I mean, it's international politics is at least relatable double act they met. For a chat in a cosmodrome this week, as you do on a first date, North Korean famine and repression fan Kim, fan Kim called his country's relationship with Russia the number one priority of our foreign policy And that is number one of a list of zero Both both men riding high in the world's top baddies rankings, of course also discussed North Korean agriculture what a date

And Kim Jong-un the UN of of course, is short for Uncle Slayer. The 13-time winner of the Relative You least want to see turning up at a family gathering award said that North Korea and Russia will stand together in the fight against imperialism, at which point Putin said, f**k sake Kim. Mo, did you say it against? Talked about this before. Much was discussed. When he was, they talked about military equipment. Boys will be boys. They talked trade links, not a lot for Kim

to slap on the table as North Korean leader in trade talks. It'd be like me discussing haircare and makeup tips with the Pope. And of course, they chat about whether North Korea will ever repeat their run to the football World Cup quarter final in 1966. But what did you, were you excited by this meeting? And particularly the transport, the armored train, because I know Chris when I did some gigs with the OnTour, what early in our careers, and I remember you used to insist

on going on an armored train at 28 miles an hour. I love it, I mean there's been a lot of mocking going on about how slow this train is. Have you got a picture of the train? No. Okay. Then I can say what I like. Do you remember when Chris emailed us yesterday and said have you got any pictures that you'd like me to put in the slideshow? Yeah, but I like to keep him on his toes. Where did you get asked for me for a picture, and I have got that one. Oh, do I? I'll tell you what, then in which case, do you want to go to that bit? Fine, let's go to that bit.

F***ing. It's good to have North Korea back in the news, Andy, because it allows us once again to consider that timeless question, what the f*** is it with those hats? The North Korean military, the North Korean military, and millenary more like, am I right? Mike drop. The United Nations estimates that approximately 48% of the North Korean budget goes on stupidly f**king enormous hats. And another 5% goes on Kirby grips to keep the stupidly f**king enormous hats in place. For a country that's pretty paranoid about not letting its citizens defect,

providing the military with the kind of hat that can be turned upside down and rode to freedom seems counterintuitive. Well over a third of the injuries sustained by members of the North Korean military are just the next being really sore. Here is a non-exhaustive list of four things that these stupidly f**king enormous hats are more stupidly f***ing enormous than. One, two zeppelins tied together. Two, Donald Trump's real golf handicap. Three, Jupiter's second largest moon, four, Freudians, negotiations, what were the highlights for you? No, genuinely I'm just pleased that Kim Jong-un armors his train, I think it's a positive

message about protecting yourself from STIs. Did you put your name in his train? It's not a penis substitute. You're kidding yourself. And I mean, it's not just armors. It's a very armors. There's at least 90 high security carriages or bulletproof. So I mean, I assume that means there's not going to be any little Kim Jong Un coming

anytime soon. They, apparently, did not discuss the threat of nuclear war. I mean, what's your view on? Are you fought against this stage? I'd like to just do a quick canvas of the audience. Who would like to see a nuclear war break out? Who's against it? So it is swinging slowly. I mean, do you want to say that's basically where Brexit was about three years before the referendum.

But they didn't discuss it. They also failed to discuss the inconsistency of referring at the rugby world cup. The return of the Australian soap opera neighbours, reform of the House of Lords, and the decline in the use of the rule of three of as a rhetorical device. Sheng. Sheng. Um. I know. Looking at pictures of Putin meeting Kim, we once again reminded that the Venn diagram where

set A is labeled non-more evil and set B is labeled completely f***ing ridiculous is basically a circle. It's a constant surprise that the men who consistently top the year end poles of most likely to have wiped out a country when angry and most inventive breaching of the Geneva Convention look and behave not unlike characters who didn't quite make the cut in the heyday of Warner Bros. loony tunes. I know that we shouldn't judge people because of their looks, but really the evil community seriously need to get themselves onto an episode of Queer Eye for the bad guy.

Kim Jong-un is supposed to be one of the most fearsome and ruthless leaders in the world, but he looks like the logo for a pan-asian fast food chain. So much so that I was thinking that he could be the face of my new porn-themed string of Korean restaurants, Bouch, bow bow. Now. I'm just written boo. Meanwhile, Vladie the baddie, the man who poots the inn into poo tin, increasingly resembles his own maddened to swords model. At this point, it's beginning to feel like the easiest way to assassinate him will be to light the wick

And if you've got any other ways of assassinating Vladimir Putin do send them into the bugle at the buglepogas.com Bugle Feature Section now And our bugle Feature next this week is bees. Um, can't live with them, can't live without them. Can you just blow our entire sound effect budget on that? It's worth it. Um, spent four months training that bee to sit on the mic. Well, whatever you think about bees, whether you think they're f***ing annoying or you're wrong,

then they are nevertheless quite important, apparently, according to scientists. But they've also been responsible for, well, one of the greatest escapes that didn't involve cleaning to the underside of a f***ing lorry of the month. As far as we know. So far, this was a couple of weeks ago, but we didn't get John to do on the bugle. So we thought we'd save it for this. One of the greatest escapes of the millennium, in fact, five million bees broke for freedom in Canada after making the truck that they were being carried on in Hives crash on a road.

Interestingly, I mean, the headlines said five million bees. It was exactly five million bees, not a bee more, not a bee less. Every single one of them with a bizarre fixation about lights, picnics, and the economics of the honey industry. And the police said most of the bees have now

been recaptured, although when they counted them up, there were only 4,935,732 bees, meaning that 64,268 bees remain at large from the original 5 million. So I don't know what you think is worse. 5 million bees escaping from one truck, or 1B escaping from each of 5 million trucks. I am 4Bs, I am pro bees and eb, sexy, sexy bees who keep us all alive by doing something that isn't, but isn't quite not, jizzing in flowers.

Yeah, you've never looked at the Munderer of Microscope, have you? Yeah, I emailed Chris back when he asked for pictures. I didn't pay that much attention in sexhead, but I'm pretty sure from the diagrams that when a man and a woman love each other very much, they'd bisect each other in half along the vertical axis and lie on top of each other, half and half. Now, that's something bees were meant to teach me, actually, along with their frenemies and fellow flower lovers, the birds. According to Greenpeace, honey bees perform about 80% of all pollination worldwide.

A single bee colony can pollinate 300 million flowers each day, and 70 out of the top 100 human food crops pollinated by bees, which means everything you eat hasn't quite been f***ed by bees, but has the very least been secondally molested by the stripy little perks. Hashtag B2. That's why I need a snooker queue to just tap the table.

I'm just giving you a series of B facts to contextualize Bs4. You Bs are yellow and black because they're so racist they can't decide between yellow face and black face. The fact that male Bs die during intercourse doesn't stop them from lying about how much action they've had. I'm so dead man, I killed myself all over her tits. Do bees have tits? Bees are the... Yeah, they do. My kids are in the show, Chris.

Bees are the international mascot of human polyamory and the pinnacle of achievement for a human polycule is to be so successful at polyculeing that it can make its own honey from various bodily fluids and sell it at a local farmer's market. Until that was made illegal in 1978 because someone got higher for polycule's mushroom or jihani and ended up eating their families aged donkey. Now the, now the B fact,

B the best B you can be is not a feel good slogan for self improvementimprovement, but a call to a dystopian future where we all wake up drones subservient to the chemical signals of a giant central queen. That's my B fact. What? All right. I know I sounded like there wasn't going to be another one because I entered on an inappropriate

inter-rogative intonation. I would blame my being Australian, but I'm going to blame the formatting of my document here. So. So what, there was another B story that so paleontologists have discovered mummified Bs preserved in their cocoons for 3,000 years. No coincidence that the first recorded picnic happened 2,999 years ago.

It's the fuckers that all white themselves out. I mean, would you like to, I mean, Chris, what's your, I mean, are you four against bringing mummified bees back to life to see what they can teach us about? My initial thought on seeing this new story was the mummified bees sounds like a distressingly popular early naughty's band formed entirely by ex-public schoolboys. But then I thought, is this what sugar puffs supreme over honey monster was trying to communicate to us for all those years when he kept repeating Tell them about the honey mummies Either way the mummification of bees indicates the presence of a very sophisticated and highly skilled bee population because they're very small and Takes really steady hands to get that hook up the nostril and pull the brains out.

So scientists are apparently planning on reviving the bees because there's nothing more fun than launching a mummy bee plague on the world. Though if it means Brendan Fraser will come back to the action movie game, I mean. But I mean what would they tell us if we could bring these bees back to life from 3,000 years ago? Would they tell us the secrets of what really happened in the Trojan War, what made Pharaoh so f***ing weird, how henge is worked, and how many prehistoric villages it took to change a campfire?

These are all the... Andy, I'm sorry to break it to you, but even 3,000 years ago, bees couldn't all. Couldn't they? We'll let history be the judge of that. I've got a couple of beef acts as well. Julius Caesar wanted to ban bees from Rome, because he found them really annoying. But when he was being stabbed to death, an amusing thought struck him, that it was a bit like being stung to death by a swarm of giant bees. Thus he became

the first person to use the term buzz off and then died. If you stood all the bees in the world on each other's shoulders, they would stretch all the way to the sun and back, but only if the sun was a lot closer than it is. About 3 million kilometres away, rather than 150 million kilometers, which ironically would kill all the bees anyway, as the plants would die and the bees would burn. And finally, according to research, bees are ironically very bad at spelling. So this is fascinating to me because...

Listen, obviously what you've done here, you've decided that we're gonna do a feature and none of us knew about bees and all of us have gone away and researched bees. That's basically what's happened. I didn't know, I downloaded a book by one Professor Austin Herring who's the Emirates Professor of Entomology at St. Donson's College of Cambridge.

It's a book called The Naked Apurist, Elementary Mistakes in Beekeeping. Man. Listen, here you go. There are three types of bees, honey bees, which live in colonies, bumble bees, which live alone, and let it bees, which come to you in times of trouble. Although some scientists say that ones are beetle. The most important bee in the hive is the queen. If the queen dies, the work bees have to create a new queen by getting a pawn to the other end of the board and swapping it. Because of their crucial role as pollinators, as has already been explained, if the bees were to disappear, 90% of our food crops would not grow, but this would also include celery,

sussurings and roundabouts. Although bees are well known for their yellow and black-stripe colouring, their away kit is blue with our inspectles. For their size, bees are highly intelligent. If a bee went on mastermind and was asked it's specialist subject, it would be quite difficult to hear the answer as they're very small. In law, it's an offence against the crown to kill a bee, but only if it's inside a swan at the time. Bees buzz, not as is commonly thought because of the speed of their wings, but because the baffles have gone in their exhaust box. Bees actually only wear daily boppers when they're on a headnight.

Bees rarely eat honey as they get sick of the stuff at work. Bees have older species a lot more recently than you might think when Jeff Goldblum accidentally teleported a wasp with a hippie. Right, well I think we all need to go and think about what we've done. Researchers come out, they showed that Dracula, the fictional Transylvania-based vampire and crucifix skeptic, was in fact a tofu-eating worker-artis, more likely to order a jackfruit, tempeh and objing smoothie than a pint of fresh virgin's blood, because researchers shown that the blood-sucking fang-face, back-bothering count, who famously never existed, had he been the 15th century Romanian beefcake, an

impalement of fishin' ardo, Vlad, thealer, Drackel, from whom he took his name. He might have been vegan. Because, I mean, this is basically what we've got from this new story, is that the real Vlad, the real Dracula, Vlad the impaler, who wasn't Dracula, but had the same name, probably would have eaten carrots and other stuff. They've kind of taken some DNA samples, I mean, from letters that that he licked or something.

And scientists who for some unknowable fucking reason use their incredible expertise to analyse 500-year-old letters. What the f*** are you doing, science? Can you please focus? I've worked out that he wasn't... So basically the story is, count Dracula, if he've been real life and someone completely different and not a vampire or a duck Might have been a vegan That is news and the lesson of that Never meet your heroes. They're never They never quite what you want them to be are they was dog Tanya in a real dog. I asked myself

So it's been a tough time for vampires, but just explain, Dantielogard, of one of the leading vampire fiction writers. Yes, online bestseller and self-published romance, Maven, Dance-ill-A-Gard has done. Thank you. In the book that I'm writing, in honor of Dance-ill-A-Gard, I've been asked the question by a number of fans. Why vampires? Why so many vampires appearing in romance? And so this is a slightly academic essay on vampires. Much ink has been spilled and much blood has been sexualized in the discussion of why vampires are

A, in culture, and B, so sexy. From the simple scientific use of vampires as a medical explanation for anemia, why is my teen daughter fainting all over the place? And being horny must be a floating manbat to the sex of fish to the sexification of vampires. They always ask for consent, hot, they penetrate you in multiple places at once, super hot, they're cold, hot. Vampires have always been a powerful place for humans to stash their fertile imagination seeds and let them grow. In a world where there are a few taboos against

even casual one-night stands, it's difficult for a romance author to create and build the kind of slow-burn, escalating sexual tension that makes banging the ultimate expressive explosion of true love. And the description of slow-burn escalating sexual tension that makes banging the ultimate expressive explosion of true love. And the description of a sex climax into an emotional climax over and above the standard galactic descriptions of jizzing or lady jizzing. For many an ambitious romance writer, then the options for making sex sexy again must either be religion, rivalry or vampirism. It's not very noble to take your penis from the gaming table of mutual longing

in a world where sex isn't going to ruin your love as reputation. If penetrating the object of his desire might turn the noble hero into a blood-crazed monster, the reader once more has skin in the game. And the author once more has penis in the vagina. And as Nancy Lagarde has said, when asked about the place of vampires in the Nancy Lagarde canon, maybe it's just as simple as some people just like having their next sucked on. The end.

Right. Well, one final story. News has broken this week that some varieties of wine grape could be threatened by climate change. And this is bad news for a... This is very, very bad news. CHEERING It's very bad news for a friend of mine who ran a few vineyards. And I said, well, how are you going to deal with this problem? And he said to me, well, Andy, I need to think like the world's richest entrepreneur

I really need to put my Elon Musk hat on. LAUGHTER So, you know, we went camping to try and, you know, just think about it and, you know, went in the vineyard area of France and we were staying in this place with fancy cabins. There were four of them, cabins ABC and D, and the woman in the first one, she was a religious woman who just lounged around on her couch all day and, and, uh, crummanimbra name, I just refer to her as Cabinet Sofenun. I'm afraid I can't remember her name, I've got the Sofenun blank. So we watched some films together, we were staying on this campsite, but my friend, just like Sinister Film, sat on Cross Channel Ferries, a genre he calls Piano Noir. And he also found Solace in the Bible, but he was particularly intrigued by the story of

the birth of Jesus and the gifts he was given afterwards. And I said, well, which gift would you like most if you're a parent of a young baby? And he said, well, I like gold. I'm ambivalent about frankincense, but I'd rate Merlot. LAUGHTER And he got very cross about some of the Old Testament stories, including the David Vs. Goliath story. And he decided to email David about his choice of weapons, and he wrote in the subject box, re-sling. Hmm. One. He said, uh...

LAUGHTER And he said about this sling, if I was in a fight with a big guy, I'd share as hell wouldn't want to use that. LAUGHTER Syracaline. LAUGHTER Well, we talked about our favourite London skyscrapers. He's got very strong opinions on skyscrapers and he said,

basically, yes or no, yeah or no. So he said, the Gherkin, a yay, the Shard and a. I heard someone just say, oh, there. It was a very bored, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Anyway, my mate used to know Roll Doll, he used to watch football with him and apparently he was a particular fan of the French team that won the 98 World Cup and he loved their midfielders,

Zinnadeem Zedan, and I said to him, I didn't know he was a Zinn fan doll. So we had to get a tram, we had to get a tram across Paris and all the buses were delayed and we ended up getting on a tram and a tram got stuck and my mate couldn't control his anger. yn ymw i'n gweithio'r am y tram yn y tram yn y tram yn y tram yn y dduck. Mae'r gweithio'r amd ymw i'n gweithio'r amd y tram yn y ddwyd. Ymw i'n gweithio'r amdw i'n gweithio'r amdwyd. Mae'n gweithio'r amdwyd. Mae'n gweithio'r amdwyd. Mae'n gweithio'r amdwyd. Mae'n gweithio'r amdwyd.

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been a good way to go. Right, are you done? What do we miss? We just happen to need to go to the toilet at that exact time. What did we miss? Sorry. Right, what didn't you miss? That's it.

That is the end. I mean, contractually obliged to do those buns. I'm sorry. Some of you hated them. But, yeah, that's showbiz. Right, thank you very much for coming. Thanks to the Lesesquirt Theatre for having us. Thanks to Chris, as always, for everything he does to keep his podcast going. Thank you all for coming. Thanks to Alice Fraser and Chris Addison.

Goodbye. Zarschmann!