The Bugle - The Early Naughties are Back!

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

What next for Hamas? Time to celebrate a year of Rishi? English cricket? Phew, science news! Andy is with Nish and Hari.PLUS: Become the owner of an exclusive episode of The Bugle, on 12 inch vinyl! Become a premium member NOW! https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateThis episode was presented and written by:Andy ZaltzmanHari KondaboluNish KumarAnd produced by Chris Skinner and Laura Turner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue 4,279 of the world's last remaining fully illustrated weekly transcript of everything that's been said and done on the solar system's most popular populous and pop-tacky on a planet Earth. That is, but actually I haven't checked the latest ranking, so we might have slipped back down again. I am Andy Zoltzmann, and today, in what remains a tricky time for this planet, I'm joined by two voices of wisdom and reason in a universe where both of those qualities are in very short supply. From the stone throw away, if you can throw a stone two and a bit miles into this Kumar,

and from a catapulted Badger's flyaway, if you've got the right catapult, a correctly greased Badger, and get lucky with the Gulf Stream headwinds. And Brooklyn, it's Harry Codabolo. Hello, both of you. Hey, hey Andy, hey Nish. Hello Andy, hello Harry, hello buglers.

Greased Badger was your wrestling name, wasn't it Zahin? It was, yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Hello, Budalus. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, about someone responded to that kind of question with that kind of answer because I'm just so sick of it. I was at the coffee shop recently and the barista asked me, hey how you doing? And I decided to answer honestly, don't do that. You cannot, there is, it is very hard to recover and the person has to ask what you want to order and the whole thing is a mess and the people behind you are freaked out. It's just say fine and get your latte and move on. Yeah, it's been a pretty shit October.

What is this October rate you're thinking in shit is never October? It's going to be right up there. It's not going to go down in history as one of our better October. That's what I would say. I think when the history books are written and then immediately burned for warmth during the road war, they will not be kind about the month of October in the year of our Lord of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of the Year of three. Well, luckily then we are bidding October 2023 a hearty f*** off because we are recording on the 30th of October. By the time you listen to this, it may very well be November 2023.

We are recording, well of course tomorrow, the 31st of October 2023 will be the 2007th anniversary of when a teenage Jesus miracle to pumpkin into a lampshade and temporarily turned his mate John into a sexy vampire. On the 1st of November, 1512, truly momentous day, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was exhibited to the public for the first time Michael Angelo's famous piece of DIY. Reactions and reviews on social media at the time, well it's fair to say what mixed as reactions on social media tend to be They included more cox and balls than I was expecting from the ceiling Another person wrote I've heard it's good, but I haven't seen it yet classic social media reaction

Someone else wrote absolute rubbish the way they used to do ceilings was way better again These things just don't change through time Another comment was wider modern artists insist on painting people how they actually look these days. What's wrong with painting simplified stylized versions of the human face and form? Pretentious, elitist and above all, woke, one star. Again, just classic from social media. Another person wrote, I'm going to kill you, Michael Angelo. You fucking fucking never changed. And another response was, do you like betting? If you want the best Dodds on how many people will die in the next cholera outbreak in Rome,

click here. So we'd like to think that civilization progresses, but maybe it doesn't. As a special treat, a bonus extra at the end of today's show, we will play you the full story of how Michael Angelo painted the assisting chapel, how he replied with an emphatic vat I can do to Pope Julius II's question, can you paint that ceiling bud? As revealed exclusively, way back in issue 34 of the Bugle's bonus blast

from the past at the end of today's show, is that Mickey Paintbrush by any chance? It is, yes. Yeah. Issue 34, it's quite quite a little. That takes me back to listening to the bugle in the toilet at one of my tent jobs. That's the best way to listen to it. It's the recommended setting. I'm getting eight night pounds an hour and taking a dump while listening to Zoltzman. Taking a shit, hearing some shit is good.

Ha ha ha. Well, as always, a section of this podcast is going straight in the bin this week. Well, a Halloween section, as I mentioned, this is the anniversary of that famous day in the Young Jesus' career. We have some Halloween facts for you. Halloween fact, one, statistically,

you're actually no more likely to be haunted on the 31st of October than any other day of the year, these days, but the reason Halloween became associated with ghostly behavior and hauntings was because the ghosting year traditionally ended on the 31st of October and ghosts with unused quotas of hauntings would splurge in the last couple of days of the ghosting year.

However, the International Association of Specters, Gools and Spookery introduced new measures in the early 19th century in an attempt to spread hauntings more evenly through the year. I think I did something similar with car number plates in this country at one point. The first known example of a ghost haunting someone on the 31st of October

was the spectra of an old woman called Init, who accidentally haunted her friend Brian in the 1700s after getting confused with some paperwork on the other side, hence the term Halloween. As Brian thought, it was, it's fine. It's like I'm right back in that office toilet, Andy. Which can be, the thing is when you're on the toilet, it's at least a reliefness. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Finally, why pumpkins become associated with Halloween? Well, apart from that, Jesus' incidents, it's because Roman Emperor

dropped a calculus in pertinax, attempted to get the troubled Roman economy back on track on the 30th of October in the year 372 by replacing all coins with pumpkins. After the people of Rome found the new currency would not fit into the pockets of their togas, there were riots which resulted in dropped a calculus fleeing the city in disguise,

dressed as a zombie bride. Romans then used their now worthless pumpkins as candleholders hence the term burning through money. Those are your Halloween facts in this week's section in the bin. That Jesus incident was the working title of the new testament, wasn't it? I thought it was 12 f***ing f***ing hours. I'm back in the toilet. That is a long call.

That was actually in top stories last week. I put the episode out. Ah, there we go. Well, small world. I consider myself a key archivist of the vehicle. I consider my role to be making long callbacks to things that I heard 13 years ago. When I should have been doing some admin for Habersmith Council. Is that why that bridge is still f***ing?

It's been close for about five years now. I was shocked by the fact that to be an archivist, that means you actually have to listen to the show, right? Sorry, yes. We can return to the other key, but Harry Condomolou does not, and has a level, and will never listen to the vehicle. Not interested, too newsy. Fackle. Fackle. It's not for everyone, Harry. It's so shame, man. Definitely not for me.

We don't try to be for everyone. Occasionally, we don't try to be for anyone. And that's when we dominate. You've heard of something for everyone. This is nothing for everyone. That is true democracy. Top story this week. Well, the world is still pretty f***ed. There's no real way of chugging this. Even by the pitiful standards of this irredeemably idiotic millennium.

These last few weeks have pushed the boundaries of bleakness for everyone who clings to the romantic idea that at some point in our existence humanity will stop working against our own self-interest. But that point has not yet come. If you want a reliable update on the Middle East situation A, I sincerely hope you're not listening to this show in expectation of that and be good luck It's what hurry. What's the Well, we've not had anyone from America on I think since since the the the war started What's what's been the reaction stateside? I mean, I think a lot of Americans You know supporting Israel and you know initially I did too and you have to understand the kind of news coverage that we're getting of

what happened i mean the video we were all shown of what happened on october seventh at the hamas attack it was just jarring like people storming through heavily fortified walls killing people in the most brutal animalistic ways all of them being led by some man named the Night King, who was attempting to destroy humanity with the undead. Really compelling stuff. So of course, with that bias video, of course we all supported Israel. That's a Game of Thrones joke. You guys remember Game of Thrones? It was a TV series about British history. I just think I got some of

the key facts wrong in it. Unfortunately, Harry, you're talking to two men, one of who was not watched Game of Thrones, in spite of everything about his vibe and let's not be around the bush body type, and another man who literally only watches cricket. So half the audience is going to be confused and the other half offended. So I got both targets. I mean, the demographics. The funniest thing about that is like I was obviously joking because Americans don't follow the news and they have no perspective on it. I'm sure there were tons of people last night who went, oh no, Matthew Perry died. First Gaza and now this. Oh, no, it's, I mean, it's, I think probably been in the 20 plus years I've been doing

comedy. I can't remember finding things harder than the last few weeks. Have you found that? Yeah, it's been. It's been very difficult. And I think that the presence of social media doesn't help things. It is very important that we continue to stress that you have to be critical about the information you receive, especially on the website formerly and I just told it, given that a man bought it because everyone was calling him a

flat-faced eyeness and then fired all the content on right. So you have to remember, you have to engage with that information critically. I also keep reading things saying, you know, the most important thing is you must not remain silent on this issue. Silence is complicity, silence is complicity, you can't remain silent on this issue. And I started to think, you know what, maybe silence is silence is complicity you can't remain silent on this issue and i started to think you know what maybe silence is complicity maybe you can't be silent on this issue and then i saw a man uh... on british morning television uh... called richard

maidly interview a liberal democrat and people delay the maran now she's a british politician who has family in gaza and she did what i think we would all agree with quite brave thing which was to go on the news and humanize some of the people that are being dehumanized most routinely in the media, namely members of a family that are caught in Gaza. And she was asked by Richard Maidly, did any of your family know that the Hamas attack was going to happen? And when Richard Maidly said that, I thought, you know what, some people need to shut the f*** up. Sometimes silence is not complicity. It is merely an accurate appraisal of the

complexity of events, relatively your own intellectual inadequacy. It says everything about the British media that Richard Maidley, who's a journalist, a word I'm using incorrectly, is allowed to a pine on this subject. And I asked my friend who died and allowed Maidley to have an opinion. And my friend reminded me that technically the

person I'm referring to is P. Asmorgan because he had that job before Richard MADLY before he had to leave it after he saw a picture of a black woman and went mentally ill. But saying that Richard MADLY is preferable to P. Asmorgan is a bit like saying, well technically I'd rather have Salmonella than E. Coli. They are fundamental, fundamental problem that cuts to the very heart of our media. And it's very much a case of between Pears Morgan and Richard Bailey.

For American listeners, if you're wondering is one better than the other, it's very much a Sophie's choice, but you want both the kids to die. LAUGHTER One of the big arguments of the last week has been Israel versus the United Nations and the United Nations sexual general Antonio Guterres, who I think is now 1% human being 99% sad face emoji. He's well found himself at logheads with Israel. Israel called on him to resign, saying that his words constitute a justification for terrorism and murder.

This was after Guterres said that the Hamas attacks did not happen in a vacuum and referred to the suffocating occupation of Palestine. To put this in context, was Guterres justifying terrorism and murder? Let's look at some of the other things he's said over the last three weeks on the seventh of October, the day of the attacks he condemned in the strongest possible terms. This morning's attacks by Hamas on the ninth of October. He said, let me begin by repeating my utter condemnation of the Aporadab attacks by Hamas. Nothing can justify these acts of terror, killing, maming and abduction of civilians. I reiterate my call immediately

to cease these attacks and release all hostages. He also said on the 9th of October, Israel must see its legitimate need for security materialised on the 13th. He referred to the horrific terror attacks by Hamas and called on all leaders to speak out against anti-Semitism. On the 21st of October, he said nothing can justify the reprehensible assault by Hamas. On the 24th of October, he said, I'm unequivocally condemned, the horrifying and unprecedented acts of terror by Hamas. In Israel, nothing can justify

the deliberate killing, injuring, and kidnapping of civilians. So was he justifying Hamas' attacks? That's, I mean, reading between the lines of all those, those comments, was he actually, did he have his fingers crossed for all of those comments? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the Israeli people with massive protest stage throughout the last year. You have to remember that what they're trying to do is try to shift focus away from their own responsibility that they bear in these attacks. And there are critical, our pet peeces written isn't Israeli newspapers about Netanyahu

and why their security oversize, but you have to understand security even though Benjamin Netanyahu refers to himself as Mr. Security. You have to understand that was simply not his priority. His priority was changing the law so crime is legal if your name is being netted Yahoo. He just had different priorities guys. Can we give Benny and the nets a break? I'm all confused about the idea of the UN.

Chief asking Hamas to release the hostages like what do you think Hamas is going to say? They're going to say UN chief asking Hamas to release the hostages, like, what do you think Hamas is gonna say? They're gonna say, we're fucking Hamas. What don't you understand? I mean, like governments won't listen to you, but you think Hamas, well, like your charter says you are supposed to prevent wars. Or the original Hamas charter says it's gonna destroy Israel.

Only one of you is really trying to do your jobs. It is interesting because there is starting to be a kind of familiar feeling in my stomach about all of this. What happened on October 7th was an appalling attack and Israel as a nation was rightly reeling from that and it reminds me of America Post 9-11. But what we learn from America Post 9-11 is that collective punishment of people doesn't work and the movements towards a full war really starting to give me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

The same feeling I get when I see young people wearing jeans that drag in the dirt or when I read an article in The New York Times that says, limp biscuit is blowing up with tweens on TikTok. They're bringing back all the worst things from the early 2000s, low rise jeans, new metal and the war on terror. Why have we picked the three worst bits

of that era to bring back? Why can't we just listen to Hey Yard and watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy back to back? There was good stuff that happened that we should be reprising. What's wrong with listening to the first Strokes album again? The conditions in Gaza have been described as being like the Middle Ages,

which of course is what we voted for in the Brexit referendum in the United Kingdom. We're still waiting, but only other parts of the world have got there. Of course, maybe not in an ideal way, but I think the whole thing has shown maybe that the world is reminded us that the world maybe has got less good at multitasking, I think because I think it is possible to condemn some actions whilst also not justifying whatever the other team does. I think as a species,

we should have that skill. It's like if you're a literature fan, the way a lot of the reactions have been, if you take, say something is unacceptable, people then accuse you of justifying something else. It's like saying that you like Shakespeare, and then your English teacher saying to you, what, so you think Jane Austen is a proven which you deserve to die?

That's not how, that's not necessarily how it needs to work, I think Jane Austen is a proven witch who deserve to die. That's not how, that's not necessarily how it needs to work, I think. Yeah, it's been a kind of real festival of holding communities accountable for things that they have absolutely nothing to do with we're seeing. Or for outbreaks of anti-Semitism in parts of Russia, awful instances of Islamophobia, and I really strongly believe that one thing you always have to state is that none of this is an excuse for prejudice against any community. You can't hold a community responsible for its worst elements, apart from white people with dreadlocks.

That is the only thing I want every white person to apologize for the existence of white people with dreadlocks. That is the only thing I want every white person to apologize for the existence of white people with dreadlocks. Otherwise, there is absolutely no excuse in any other area. You could have said something, you were hanging out. You could have said this is a bad idea. You could have said wash your hair. A lot of things you could have said. You could have said this is not what Bob Marley would have wanted. There's a lot of things you could have said. You could have said this is not what Bob Marley would have wanted. There's a lot of things you could have said. Stayed quiet. There's a lot of times in situations like this where there are a huge moral gray areas and sometimes it's unhelpful to call one group of people, bad people and another group of people, good people. But then there are other people who you just think, oh no, you're just flat out.

I just want to briefly draw everyone's attention to some of the people who have looked at this absolutely appalling situation and not seen a humanitarian crisis, but have instead seen a commercial opportunity. Analysts from Morgan Stanley and TD Bank have taken no of potential profit making during the escalation in conflict. Everyone listening, I do just want you to have a sick bag at the ready when you hear some of the stuff that's been said here. TD Cowan's Kive on Ruma who's the managing director and senior research analyst, specializing in the aerospace industry,

said on an earnings call on the 25th of October, Hamas has created additional demand, and people are not focusing enough. They're getting distracted by calling Hamas brutal, murdering terrorists, and they're forgetting what enormous wealth creators they are. Truly, Hamas, they're like Warren Buffett. It's absolutely unbelievable. We've really not talked about this. It's really astonishing. Morgan Stanley's head of aerospace and defense equity research,

Christine Leewag, took a similar approach during a 24th of October earnings call and referred to the situation as being an opportunity and you know what we always think about war as a negative thing and maybe we should start referring to it as the opportunity. Man there's a lot of opportunity happening in Ukraine right now. Oh boy I can't wait to get back to studying for my history exam on the second world opportunity. Once I finish studying, I'm going to kick back and relax with my favorite film trilogy, Star Opportunity. I mean, are you telling me that there wasn't a Hollywood agent somewhere who was like, is Hamas signed by anybody? They are everywhere right now.

I mean, I remember when I missed out on ISIS, I mean, and a lot of their stuff self-produced, I get it, but like, wow, this is the time if you're gonna get them. It's funny reading something and feeling that you're looking into a total moral vacuum. It's a total moral vacuum. It's a total moral vacuum.

It's a total moral vacuum. It's a total moral vacuum. It's a total moral vacuum. It's a total moral vacuum. Britain news now and well huge celebrations across the country over the last week, Nish, to commemorate one year of Rishi Sunak as Prime Minister. I'll just go through all the achievements of the little fallacy, took over into Prime Minister in the aftershite of Boris Johnson and Liz Truss. There you go. I mean, how would you assess his first year, year in which he's basically captured votes as imagination, like a baby penguin captures a polar bear and a pair of fishnet stockings in a word, not at all. And he's gone about it in a quite weird and unsettling way. That is vintage

Soltzmann. Thank you. I am. Here's what I would say to Richie Sunak. I truly, when he was elected and everybody said, this is historic, you must feel great about this because this is representation for you. I was dubious. but now I truly see myself represented in Rishi Sunak. As I look at an untalented, over-promoted British Indian man, struggle to connect with the British public, I think, yes! At last, I can see myself in our prime minister. True, brownmail mediocrity is finally risen. Oh, hurry, Rishi and I yearn for mediocrity is finally risen.

Oh, hurry, Rishi and I yearn for mediocrity. Mediocrity would be a huge win for me and the soodak, by step. He has indulged the hard right of his party, culminating in a couple of weeks ago when he was asked point-blank and said that he would not oppose Nigel Farage rejoining the Conservative party. And I would say that one of his absolute low points is his politicization of the climate policies.

That sort of by and large, we've managed to avoid in this country. But soonak has really, he's really gone out of his way to try and politicize that issue and also trying to make it into a thing where it's like, well, it's going to cost ordinary people money if we do this, which obviously is bollocks. He's sort of even threatened to reopen a coal mine. I think I've said this before on the Google, but it's worth restating. In 2023, the only conceivable excuse for opening a coal mine is if you're planning to immediately shut it again to stimulate boys interest in ballet in the local area. That as far as I can tell is the only point.

The strange thing with the environmental angle and there's, like, he's got the King's speech coming next week for the reopening of Parliament in which he's supposedly going to double down on his anti-environment policies. Is that a vast majority of people are quite in favour of fixing the environment. So it's a kind of weird electoral gambit. Might explain why in the recent bi-elections last week, the conservatives. I think in technical, let's say the word, psychological terms, have the arses handed to the mum of series of plates. They lost two vast majorities with some of the biggest swings ever seen in British bi-elections, inside as in the Tory party, describe the results as quotes,

like being hit by a truckload of German sausage and cheese. Sorry, a worst case scenario. I can't help. I can't help. The problem for Sunak is that the Conservatives broadly, and it's happened under his watch, obviously, happened before, has lost support amongst a number of key demographic voter groups.

These include Brexit supporting voters, Brexit opposing voters, the young, the old, the another young, nor old, the unborn, the already dead, men, women, other people, gardening fans. That's got to hurt. A little bit high-bore diving enthusiast, vegetarian, Zoroastrians, who I think are people who only eat fictional Mexican Californian food. Dogs, cats, beekeepers, wicketkeepers, people with kidneys, acrobats, nishkumor fans, and most worryingly of all conservatives. Now obviously there's some crossover with all those groups, but they seem to be struggling with all of

them at the moment. I'm not sure that given the last two groups you named a conservative voters, there's a huge particularly, there's a huge crossover in those two sections. What's super interesting to me about this upcoming King's speech is obviously it's going to be, it's the state opening of Parliament and for Bueglis outside of the country, it is f***ing weird. And we know it's f***ing weird that in order for our democratic processes to begin, a man in a gold hat has to read a letter. But the thing that makes it particularly interesting this year is the let the the the speech is written by the government and then delivered by the king. But in terms of doubling down on anti-net zero policies, one of the

British people that is very much in favor of acting on the climate crisis is the king. So we might be in this absolutely bizarre situation. I don't know what's going to happen. Is King Charles going to start doing air quotes around some of the net zero policies to suggest sarcasm? Are they going to try and get him to lip sync it to avoid any improvisation on the fly? If so, are we going to end up with a sort of regal millivonyly situation? So we're gonna end up with a sort of regal milling vanilla situation There's a fascinating situation that is about to come to a head and as with most situations in Britain It's still somehow involves some dude in a fucking gold hat You guys are talking about British politics, so I tuned out a while ago

You guys talking about that Colin Firth movies that were That's a while ago. You guys talking about that Colin Firth movie? That's a while ago, fellas. As soon as I did say that his government has achieved a lot in his first year, and I do give him a, you know, I can cut him a bit of slack for that because I mean, what could he have said? I mean, he can't come out and say, my government has done very slightly less shitly. I could have said, well, we've achieved nothing, which is to be fair, a vast improvement on my two immediate predecessors. It's clearly a tough gig for him taking over, and I don't think he's played him. It's not like being a door-to-door hairdresser for a struggling door-to-door hairdressing

business, but then turning up with one pair of scissors sticking out of your forehead and another rammed into your ear, blood running down your face, and a squirrel's tail gaffer taped to your scalp, knocking on someone's door saying, can I interest you in a haircut? It's a tough, it's a tough sell. I said, like being a snooker player tucked in behind the green leading a three cushioning escape shot to hit the last red 50 points down in the frame. So needing snookers anyway, he chalks the queue, he takes a deep breath, he reaches into his waistcoat pocket, he pulls out an iguana, plonks it on the table and says,

run, my pretty, run. And that's essentially the situation that our Prime Minister has been in. That is the essence of Andy's ultimate. Given the, there is a substantial listenership to this podcast from outside the United Kingdom. And yet when we move on to a section about specifics on the United Kingdom politics, instead of trying to open it out, he doubles down and tries to explain things with a snooker metaphor. I like to think of it as educational, Nish. I mean, to be honest, a bunch of our listeners are angle files. They love this shit.

It gives them a secret wisdom that they make them feel better than other people. I've met these people after shows. I know what they're about. They're like puns. And they're like puns. The Science News Now and boffins, scientists, how do you tell the difference? I don't know. Have created the worlds and quite possibly the universe is first recorded nanofotonic electronic accelerator,

which is great news if like me, you've been waiting for the right electronic accelerator for you specifically, you're waiting for a nanofotonic option. I know you are an expert, are you not in nanofotonics? Yes, big expert in nanofotonics. Yes, hurry, how are you with nanophotonics? Are you big into that as well?

I'll be honest, I've been wanting to buy a Hadron, a Hadron Collider for such a long time. And this is why you don't buy the thing when it first comes out. You just wait long enough. And now all of a sudden we got this nanophonics thing. This is easy to transport. You can bring it on a road trip, you know, with having to strap it to the hood. I mean this is, this is why you wait, you gotta wait it out. So I'm

pretty excited about that. I don't know what it does, but I'm pretty excited about the possibilities. The portability. I spent, I would say, 25 minutes trying to write jokes on this subject, and unfortunately, I couldn't understand a single word of the article about it. I wrote that on it. It genuinely was indecisive. And Google translate, as yet, does not have an option to translate into moron. There are so many science words. There are so many science words, there are so many science words. Well, let me try what they were talking about. Let me try and I'm. Let me try and explain it for you, Ignoramuses. What it does,

this nanophotonic and electronic satellite. Ignoramai. Yeah. It blasts negatively charged particles. They're the particles that cause all forms of negativity around the world, including general cynicism, the Republican Party in English rugby. It blasts them with mini laser pulses, which are the cutest little laser pulses you will ever see. And the whole device is the size of a coin. It's 54 million times smaller than the large Hadron color.

I obviously don't want to size shame any accelerators large or non-large, but this is frankly, none of photonically, Titchy. So these are hugely exciting times because the large Hadron Collider has discovered a range of very exciting new particles. I'll just talk you through. I've been blasting particles

accelerating through it 27 kilometers long funk tube under the Switzerland-Dio-Frenchic border for some time now. And it's discovered the Higgs boson or God's particle, they're now hoping to collect enough Higgs bosons to build a new God to sort the fucking shit out that the old ones have left behind. Maybe hopefully this will be a little bit less cranky vengeful and homophobic.

It's discovered, it's discovered particles called ghostly neutrinos, it's a special Halloween particles that haunt the other particles that make them behave weirdly. It's discovered the charm mess on, which is a seductive particle that simply oozes charisma and makes the other particles frisky causing some particles to spit up from themselves creating energy. And the mysterious X Particle, uh, formerly the Twitter Particle, uh, of course, and mysterious X was my name in my formative years, formative years in the 1980s hip hop circuit. And of course, the mysterious X Particle is used in the manufacturer of the Mazda MX-5 sports car. They use five such particles in each car, one in each wheel and one in the engine,

which makes the car slightly more mysterious when going over 60 miles an hour than the average two-seat roadster. Um, the, the X--former Twitter particle is the one thought to make people believe in conspiracy theories and think it's okay to abuse people from behind a cloak of a pseudonymous anonymity. So there we go. This is what we can all expect to have a particle accelerator literally in our hands within, let's say, I might even get the Christmas market this year, I think. I'm not interested in this mini particle collider. I like my particle colliders to be thick with several seeds. I like my how-drawn, I like my particle colliders to have back. There was genuinely for some reason a point where I thought, and dude, I understood this. And I don't know why I thought that.

Half way through the Halloween particle I realised, no, the results were different, I just had this. Well, I read the articles on a website called Life Science.com, which has a lot of very interesting science related stories. And this is language, I think, that you should be able to grasp. This could open the door to a wide range of applications, including using the teensy particle accelerators inside human-paid teensy. That's a scientific term that we could all understand, I think.

We'll be able to shove a particle accelerator up our butts. And I'm sorry. Will it be incredible? That's what's cut to the chase here. We're all thinking it. You know we're all thinking it. Before we leave this week's Beagle, sport news now and England have absolutely stuck out

the cricket World Cup. The worst ever title defense by cricket World Cup champions, they've managed the winning in 2019 and I'm sure I talked about this on the bugle at the time, one of the highlights of my cricket media career being in the BBC commentary box for that game. I'm not out at this tournament in India, but England have been heroically shit for what is on paper a very good cricket team. And I like to think that in this time of difficulty for the world, England have created and spread the concept of joy, which is what sport is supposed to be about. They have selflessly allowed themselves

to be defeated by Sri Lanka, which is the modern economic crisis at the moment, by South Africa to bring some light into South Africa's literal darkness as it's ongoing power crisis on-goes, as ongoing things often do. They've lost to Afghanistan, which has had a tough time for the last, oh, I don't know, a couple of hundred, a thousand years, New Zealand struggling with a big possum infestation. And to India, which is obviously struggling through a period of breakneck pace change under the auspices of a nationalist government that fermends division at every opportunity. So the

England cricket team has been the foremost source of a light and happiness in the world over the past month and I don't think they get enough credit for that. England was so bad against India yesterday that I'm genuinely concerned our government is going to try and pass it off as reparations for the coming or diamond. It was a performance of shitness that resounded through history. But you know as a cricket fan of a certain age, there was something reassuring really familiar about watching England just be absolute shit. For too long I've watched England be a competent and at times utterly outstanding limited over team watching them just absolutely collapse was

you know it was really reassuring Thank you not stoutic Hori you must be you you must be hugely excited about the t20 World Cup coming to America next year the big guys played in New York. I imagine that you've been talking of little else. Of course, I'm on a, who doesn't want a version of a game where you hit a ball with a stick that lasts less than 12 hours?

I wish we had a game like that in this country. I think I might have, I think I might have talked about this on the big one before, but when I was in New York a few years ago, I could tell you exactly, it would have been 2019. I went to see my cousin in Jersey and I was told by a friend of mine who is South Asian that I would be going to where all the Indians were and I thought that was not that was too vague an instruction and then as the train got towards the more densely South Asian populated areas of Jersey, advert started to appear for the impending 2019 cricket World Cup and I thought well I'm in the right place now

Just pictures of the statue of Liberty holding a cricket bat a lot That image that's not a hilarious image that is a deeply erotic image Don't don't let people think of you having an erection. Don't touch it. The statue of Liberty with a cricket bat. Full metal Janet has a lot to think of it. That brings us to the end of this week's this week's bugle. Thanks to Nish and Hari. Any any projects to plug? Hari? On tour November 8th, San Antonio. So if you're Greg Popovich, obviously you listen to this podcast, show up, bring Victor Wembedniano with you, expect you there.

November 9th to the 11th in Austin, Texas, November 17 and 18 in Western Massachusetts, specifically chick a pea Massachusetts career booming right now. November 19th Providence, Rhode Island, November 30th, hopefully Montreal, stay tuned. And then December 15th in Vancouver, British Columbia. And finally, vacation baby, my free YouTube special is still available because it's a goddamn YouTube special. Nish, I will have some news soon about my stand-up shows, global release, we will actually be able to, people will actually be able to see it outside of the UK,

but if you're in the UK, you can watch it on Sky Comedy or now TV, it's called Your Power, Your Control, and is available now. I have nothing to plug, but I will soon have some things to plug in the form of some live bugle shows early next year, dates hopefully to be confirmed within the week, which I might have said last week, and some stand up at some point in the next 12-ish

to 15 months. Just, yeah, just keep your ears to the ground. Thank you very much for listening, Dan. Even for you, that was terrible self-promotion. Even for you, saying I might have at some point, some stand up within the next 12 to 15-ish months. That's like an uneven trying. Oh, you just build up the aura of suspense, Nish.

That's, that's called marketing. Thank you very much for listening, viewers. Don't forget, if you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme and make a one-off or a current contribution to help keep the show free, flourishing and independent, go to the BuglePockass.com and click the donate button and premium level voluntary subscribers now get exclusive access to the monthly Ask Andy Show when I answer all your questions if I deem them worth answering. Thank you for listening. We'll be back in about 10 days. We're switching back to Friday recordings for the rest of the year, so we will see you then and to then goodbye.

Bougall Feature section now, and 500 years ago, this year, Michelangelo, or as he was known by his friends, Mickey Paintbrush, was commissioned to do a little bit of decorating for the Pope. He got his nickname, of course, not because of his artistic skills, but because he had tough, bristly straight hair, which when he was drunk, he would dip in a vat of paint and headbutt cartoon testicles into the size of churches. Anyway, the story goes, that Julie's the second asked, Mickey Paintbrush, can you whack a lick of paint on the ceiling in my chapel? It could do with a bit of sprucing up. Sure, Papa J replied, Michelangelo, what do you want? How about a bit of a fresco? Sure, why not reply the pontiff? Great, yep, the young artist.

I was thinking of doing something with some dogs playing snooker. Right, Mickey P said the Pope awkwardly. It's just, I was just kind of hoping something a little bit more kind of neutral. Maybe just, you know, just a plain, off-white, magnolia colour. You know, make something that isn't going to go out of date. Righto, Skipper replied, Michaelangelo, a little downcast. Hey, do you mind if I do a couple of little bits from the Bible in the corner? No, all right, conceded the Pope, but just nothing too flashed little Mickey.

Yay, you helped the 33-year-old five-time winner of the Golden Chisel Award for terrific sculpture. I'll go and get my special scaffold. Four years later, an angry Pope banged on the door of the Sistineine chapel with his big staff. Have you finished yet paintbrushy shouted? Yep, all done big man. The pontiff stormed in, had a Kimbo. What the f*** have you done to my ceiling you flash? Sorry pop said the artist, I just got a bit carried away. Oh balls winced the Vatican Vicar. Bloody old Mickey, what is your obsession with naked cocks? Shit, I've got a christening to do in 20 minutes, this is gonna have to do.

Okay boss, sorry boss, mumble the four in one painter sculptor, architect and chicken impersonator. You haven't heard the last of this punerotti blasted the Catholic Kahuna. Give me that paintbrush, that's confiscated. Pope Julius turned to go to his dressing room, just then something on the ceiling caught his eye. Hang on, that looks like, no, it can't be. Is that my Wang? Mickey Paintbrush, have you painted my papal prong on that new demand? Come here! Come here little! Oh no, he's got away! I knew I should have got Da Vinci to do this. New it. So to commemorate half a millennium, since this historic moment in the history of history,

we present to you the Bugle Italian section. Andy, that has to become a regular feature. Ha ha ha. Historical story time. Ha ha ha. Missing form your children with Andy's old friend. Ha ha ha. historical story time. Missing for your children with Andy's ultimate.