The Bugle - The Empire Strikes Back

Episode Date: October 21, 2007

The second ever episode of The Bugle! Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver, featuring The American.This is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ and listen to Top Stories Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Welcome to edition two of The Bugle.

Time's Online lines almost brand new satirical cast with me and his ultimate in London and in New York City, John Oliver. Hello, some British, hello, a handful of Americans. Hello, John, what's been happening in America for the last week? Well, some stuff and generally to be honest, work, sleep and death. Same old, same old. and generally to be honest, work, sleep and death. Same old, same old. So in the view of this week, in a week in which the world's

official score has now dipped to 2.2 out of 10, we'll be looking at immigration. Should we all go back to where we came from, the sea? The UK claims part of Antarctica. Attention, world, the empire is back on. Mobilize yourself, Britain. This time we're starting south and working our way on. And in sports, Johnny Wilkinson wins or loses the World Cup.

Of course, as always, some sections of the audio newspebt to go straight in the bin. This week, the art section, including news that Muhammad Ali is to play the role of Will Smith in a predictive biopic of the comic actors later life, and the technology section featuring major articles on where now for the horse and how gadgets stole my wife. Stop story this week, the UK announced plans to claim a section of the Antarctic for scientific research purposes. Could this be the re-emergence of the British Empire? So many things are reforming now, Led Zeppelin are getting back together, no one thought they'd lived to see that. Perhaps it's time for the British Empire to reform. Come on India

for old-time sake. And does it not say something for how this current American administration is viewed by the world? I think people might even go for that. Yes, we did far far worse things than America could even dream of, but we did it with that certain gentlemanly swagger. We were like Godzilla in a necktie, more elegantly destructive. I think we've deserved a second crack at Empire, John. I think it's great that the Empire is back with a vengeance, albeit not much of a vengeance, and caught an icy vengeance, but a vengeance, nonetheless. Because, you know, we made mistakes first on round. I think,

you know, we and Britain would be the first, maybe not the first, but we'd be amongst the first raft of people to acknowledge that we were made mistakes. And hopefully we've learnt our lesson and we'll do it much better this time and we'll come up with more sports to give to the world. How this is going to happen is contentious. Just this August, the Russians laid claim to a large section of the Arctic by planting a flag in the sea bed. BP got very excited by this and tried to pay to solar power by shoving a flag into the sun, but it frazzled. So, not really, we're going

to have to do something like that. I suggest, Andy, that we air drop some members of the royal family over there. No one could deny a regal claim like that. Those penguins need a head of state. We'll need to pick the hardest ones. They'll have to be able to survive inhospitable tundra though. You're looking at the kents there. Duke and Duchess have Kent. Really? You reckon they've got what it takes? Well, the Duke of Kent actually spent 15 years in his youth as a polar bear doing research on polar bear populations in the Arctic. So he's probably ready for it. How do you know that?

It was a rumor. Really? Yeah. I mean, it's one that's just started about 30 seconds ago. OK. But it's a rumor nonetheless. It's already caught on. It's probably without fire.

And Tartic are facts. Most newspapers like to disrupt the flow of a long article with a box of facts, because they don't trust your attention span. Well, neither do we. So here are some facts about Antarctica. Much newspapers like to disrupt the flow of a long article with a box of facts, because they don't trust your attention span, well neither do we, so here are some facts about Antarctica. Antarctica is world ranked number one in continents in dryness, coldness, windiness, iceiness, and altitude, that makes it the greatest continent in the world. Antarctica is home to more than 200 penguins.

And Tartiger claimed that it remained neutral during World War II, but its true feelings were perhaps revealed when it failed to join in the celebrations at the end. And Tartiger was close for repairs throughout the 1970s. Those are all facts. I'm a bit worried though, John, that we know in some ways about the Empire coming back, it's like history repeating on itself but only more so. And I'm just worried that we're going to march into Antarctica, steal their natural resources and then flounce off leaving Antarctica, social and economically unstable. And I really just hope that we treat the people of Antarctica

better than we treated our other conquests around the world. Otherwise there's another continent with major grudges against us. And I think that actually might make it the full set. Is there any continent that we haven't really annoyed? I don't think so, but what we will do is offer Antarctica a railway system. Well, they bloody need it. Because once again, that will be the very least we could do. Well, yeah, I mean, Captain Scott did try that, and that's why he lost. If he only hadn't been laying a railway track all the way, he might have beaten Amherston to the South Pole. Now, there are also claims on the land coming in from Australia, France, Chile and Argentina,

and all claims must be into the UN by May 2009. That is the deadline, and this has become a new gold rush or an ice rush. So let's get this moving, Andy. We hereby claim 4,000 square miles on the eastern peninsula of the Antarctic. I think the bugle re-has legitimate claims on that land. There's some very rich deposits of satire there that we need to mine to really boost this podcast. So hopefully it'll be ours. But I think Britain really does deserve it. I should point out there have been some reciprocal claims by Antarctica.

The Antarctic and Embassy in London, or as we know at the Penguin enclosure of London Zoo, has claimed sovereignty over Lincolnshire. So it does look like war between our two great nations is increasingly inevitable, if inevitability can in fact increase. Now this is a very controversial move green piece of already bladed that it's colossally irresponsible but if they think that's irresponsible they should really see what we've been doing to the North Sea for the last decade and it does go directly against the 1959 land treaty which Britain signed so there will be no new claims on land but come on we've signed a lot of papers in our history we can't be expected to remember what all of them said yeah and we were drunk at the time. So, yeah, legally it is not binding. But I think that I think the really good thing, John, is that it shows we're learning our lessons

from our mistakes in Iraq as well, instead of trying to get our oil in a place where there are already people living, we're now trying to get it in a place where the most dangerous military resistance is going to come from a seal with them, especially in nobly snout. But don't write that off because they actually sealed, took out more British subs than the entire German U-boat fleet in the Second World War. But that's a good point though, because you're not allowed to drill for mineral resources there, and we've claimed that we're just going there for scientific research, and that is entirely true. We just want to scientifically research how much oil we can get out of there. And then maybe scientific research, how much money we can get paid for that oil.

I don't see what's so hard for them to understand. There are going to be graphs, Andy. Maybe we didn't make that clear enough. There are going to be graphs. Other news now, and it's not just the British Empire that's back, it's the Cold War. What a week for comebacks. It's back on weapons disputes, America and Russia interfering in other countries, it really makes you nostalgic for the glory days when the world was on

the very precipice of New Click at Astro Free. Yeah, be prepared to see comedians on panel shows pointing out how much they loved the Cold War. Well, we all loved it, John. Of course we did. I think it made life slightly more exciting when you just never knew when you woke up in the morning whether you'd been liquidated in a nuclear bomb. Yeah, it just gave you a respect for life that it was hard to get otherwise. Yeah. Every morning your breakfast tasted a little more

eggy and those eggs seemed even more yellow. Tested five. But Vladimir Putin, he is really big box office now. He had his visit to Iran. So as you don't know what happened, we can now tell you that Vladimir Putin was not assassinated during his trip to Iran. So good news for the bookish. Oh, I had 300 quid on him getting bumped off. Well, you're a full-jump, absolutely. I had a cast iron tip. The new story's led yesterday with Vladimir Putin

went to Iran to talk about nuclear weapons with Armadinajad becoming the first Russian president to visit Teran since Stalin. And that is a lot of troubling words in one news sentence. It's hard to know what to be scared about more first. I think the reason we've got so excited about the Cold War being back on is that it is probably much better than the war on Ter, which I'm tremendously bored by the war on terror. I'm really bored of Al-Qaeda, I think they're a bunch of dicks.

I don't think I'm out of line in saying that, and I'm sorry if I offend some people. But I've thought about it long and hard, and I do think they are dicks, and they bring out the worst in us, and that, to me, is the sign of a real dick. All you've said there is completely true. So, bugle listeners, why don't you write in and tell us which you prefer the Cold War or the war on terror. Email us your views to the Bugle at timesonline.co.uk and we will tell you which is the best next week. Oh, we're going to tell them which is the correct view. Yeah, which is the correct.

Why don't we do that? Let's mark your views out of ten and return them to your email box with some just corrections. Now this view was incorrect, that is ill-informed and that is misspelled. Now looking at Putin and Armadinejad together, the beauty was you really have two world class cartoon baddies there. That is probably two of your top three international lunatics at the moment. People complain that politics has no characters anymore, but they are trying as hard as they can. Omadina Jad is denying the Holocaust and claiming that homosexuals don't exist in this country, and Putin is bumping people off like a bond villain. They couldn't be more conveniently threatening if they were meeting in a layer on top of a volcano. It all changed around now because just this year Putin visited

the United States and Bush claimed that he was a friendly and trustworthy man, going on to say, I looked into his eyes, I was able to get a sense of his soul, and he can do that, Bush, it is one of his four talents. He can get a sense of anyone's soul through looking into their eyes, which is why he's kept away from mirrors. What are his other three talents? I know that he can play the entire works of Buffalo Springfield on the recorder, but what else? What is other two? Well, he can juggle, and also interestingly, he can run faster backwards than forwards. Condoleezer Rice was in Bethlehem this week. She prayed and later emerged saying that her visit had been a personal reminder of the

power of religion to heal. She said this Andy, on the West Bank. Let's all take a moment to let her words sink in. The power of religion to heal. Where did she say that? On the West Bank in 2007, in the Middle East. That West Bank. Oh, the Middle East, that West Bank. Oh, that one. Right. That one, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, not a West Bank where religion has healed anything. The kind of West Bank where religion has tore it limb from limb. Well, it's interesting that she should mention. She also said the Prince of Peace is still with us. Which she may be right, but if he is here, he is probably standing over her shoulder flicking V signs behind her back how what her government has done to all that peace that he is Prince of. No you missed that that's Prince Andrew if she's referring. Right sorry. I think he's still with us. Oh great that is I'd heard that he had died. No no he thankfully hasn't and he never will. I was mixing up with

Liberace. But I'm not at all comfortable, John, when politicians cite religion as an influence in their politics or in major political decisions as we had with Bush on Iraq. To me, that is a politician citing religion as an influence. It's about reassuring as an airline pilot coming over the PA system after a successful takeoff and shouting, this ain't natural, but it sure feels good. Now some excellent news, a scientific report was released this week which flew around the world in seconds. Why was it so popular? Well, because, and I hope you're sitting down, it reveals that swearing at work can help employee morale. And this was released by the University of **** East **** angrier to give it its far more uplifting name and Marl has been lifted by that. Well it sure should have been John. Let's not

forget that swearing at work is what won us the f***ing war because we f***ed war far more than the f***ing Germans. It was our superior team spirit I think more than anything else that won us that one. That team spirit was really created by our soldiers using the words f***ing irregular intervals. Now Andy, clearly this is a f***ing interesting report. What do you f***ing think of this f***ing report? Andy, do you think it's a f***ing good report or do you think it's a sack of f***ing... I think it's absolutely bang on the f***ing banana, John. And in fact, I think it's time for the f***ing government to get off their lazy f***ing arses and bring in a compulsory five minute swearing break into the working day.

In fact, probably two, one in the morning, one in the afternoon, not swearing is costing the British economy in the region of 38 billion f***ing pounds a year. Now, here are some details from the study. One swearing should be discouraged in front of customers. Now, all I'm talking about is they're not saying it's a total no-no Andy They're just saying pick your customer. Well, so what if you're yeah, if you're a doctor saying if got some tragic news to break to someone Then yes, it is Cancer, isn't it? Let's be honest about it. It's not just plain old cancer. It's

Cancer, you're right. You're not gonna get someone saying will you mind your language? What I feel about this is well, it's good to see a British educational institution getting in on the ludicrous research project business. Because for too long it's been monopolised by colleges here in America. Usually it's some institute in Wisconsin which hits the papers with findings like red wine can make you live forever, Brussels sprouts can cure AIDS and broad beans and magic. It's good that UEA has muscled in on this lucrative little oil strip. To bring this to a volcanic conclusion this section, let's test this research out now. Firstly, how are you

feeling at the moment? All right. You're feeling okay. Now, what I'd like you to do is answer that question again, but after you've unleashed 20 seconds of swearing erupted my hem at me starting now Well, you John I'm having a Day so far and I hope this bearer to be swearing It's gonna perk me up because frankly there's absolutely What else going on in my life at the moment and I Me swearing or else there's no f**king point in f**king going on.

So f**king you. Time's up. And how do you feel now? Oh, I feel great, John. I feel like the queen of Sheba on a quad bike. So clearly this research works. Ask an American. Ask an American.

Now, you may remember last week that I gave you the opportunity to ask a real live American anything that was on your mind. Well that American is with me in the studio now. Hello. Hey, hey, don't. Now you are an American but to prove that. Oh yeah, it's right in true, baby. To prove that to British listeners. Is there anything you can tell us that only an American would know? Well, I mean, I could tell you a little bit about myself. I own seven firearms. I also enjoyed things like beer. I think the olive garden has delicious Italian food. That means nothing to us. We don't have the olive garden. So that's proof.

That is the that's the clinging bit of proof. This guy is American. It's easier. History checks out Andy. History checks Andy. It does check out. Okay, so here are the questions that we've had this week. First, dear American, thanks so much for getting us into this mess in Iraq. Any idea when we might leave? That's from Ian Semper from Chutesbury. First of all, you're very welcome. Second of all, when will we leave? I think you've already answered that because I think you guys are tucking tail and running already from the last time I checked.

I think you cut back from 5,000 troops to 2,500. I mean, what is that? That's like a, what is that like a football team or a little bit army you got over there. What does tucking tail? I won't expect you to understand. What I'm saying is this country understands war, okay? I don't think British people understand war. See, was wars in our history. It's in our history

Oh my goodness. Let me take you back to a little war. I like to call W-W-2 Okay, I remember you guys Grappin in your bridges or whatever you call them You're freaking out you scared and who comes in uncle Sam and his army of handsome blocs. Yeah, yeah, you were just a closing picture. This is playing this country. America understands war. We're a war nation. Okay, we've been a war for a long time. We'll continue to be a war. It's what makes us Americans. Okay, and if you don't want to be in the war with us, that's fine. I hope that answers your question Ian. Andy, do a letter? Uh, I do have a letter. Uh, there is such a dear American.

What is up with the dollar? Love from Heidi Range. The, the, I'm assuming you're referring to the American dollar. Yeah. Uh, the US. And I'll tell you, a lot of people keep telling me the American dollars week now. Overseas is not going to buy you as much. I'm going to tell you right now. I think that's bull. I don't know if I could say that on the air now, but that's what I think that is. Let me throw a question back at you guys. Okay. What's the color of money?

Green is always been the answer to that question. It's oh no, it's always been the answer What color is the American dollar? It's green. It's also it's a it's why I'm green. Not really. It's mainly greed. It's not just green It is mainly green. I have a ton of it in my pocket. You want me to pull it out? I'll pull it out of my pocket. I go into a store saying London. Okay, something costs 10 pounds or whatever you call that That that makes no sense to me first of all because 10 pounds is like a wait to me. Okay, it's not a fine You want to call a pounds fine? We do what I keep things confusing. We don't want to call it that I go into a store Something's worth 10 pounds. I hand the guy $10 American. You're telling me he's not gonna give me that said item?

That is what I'm telling you. I don't believe you. I think he's gonna see that $10 bill. His eyes are gonna roll back in his head. He's gonna go holy crap American money. Obviously the most valuable money in the world, because it's American, and he's gonna give me that item. The economy might say one thing,

but I think people know, and that's what matters. That's interesting. That's interesting. So you put your faith not in the economy, but in people. Look, it's all they believe. Okay. Okay. And that's the bottom line. The whole economy is a, it's a mind game. Okay. And my mind game says the green dollar wins every time. Well, I think we better wrap up the Oscar the Maritime section before the special relationship is ended forever. I got nothing else to do. I'm actually currently unemployed

But that's not because of our economy something that happened to work My boss told me to do something I didn't agree with but she was looking at my ass That is I hope you've had your questions adequately answered by the American here If you have any more questions for this American or any other American, please do email them in the coming weeks. And the email address is the bugle at timesonline.co.uk. Yeah. The bugle letter section. Well, thank you very much, those of you who've written into the bugle this week.

We've heard from a Mr. Jimmy Barber who has accused us of stealing the weather forecast map that was in the visual version of the bugle which you can get on the bugle page on time is online. I would accuse the people who weep in accused of stealing it off of stealing the shape of Britain off Britain. It belongs to Britain. The copyright is owned by Britain hands off our shape. If I could just add to that and we will only take abusive emails in capital letters. They must all be in capital letters. This one comes from Nick Cranston who asks, has Nick Clegg got it sewn up? Can someone come from behind to take the title? That's what Nick Cranston asked. John, is the Liberal Democrat leadership election big news stateside? It's absolutely huge. In fact, there was a national day off yesterday, so people

could research the candidates and I have to tell you, Clegg is huge in the state at the moment. Well, I think Clegg is going to take it, it's between Clegg and Chris Hune, the most monosyllabic leadership contest in political history. Vince Cable was going to stand, but he pulled out because his name was simply too long and complicated. And the final letter from Mike Gombass, who writes, Dear Bugle, where are my brown socks? You know the ones I'm talking about. The light brown ones with the extra fabric in the tone, the heel. I await your answer. Good day.

John, do you have any news on Gombass's socks? Mr Gombass, I hope you're sitting down. Your socks are dead. This is what we all feared. There were reported sightings, but that was just someone else's socks. So if you've got something to write to us about, write to us at the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and next week there will be a special prize for the best letter that prize being five minutes off whatever you're doing. Please listeners, don't think before you type. Bugle a bit true. The leadership of Minges Campbell 2006 to 2007. The leadership of some Minges Campbell passed away this week after a long battle against

public disinterest aged just 19 months. Campbell's leadership of the Liberal Democrats was, if truth be told, never in the best of health, having been born due to a lack of credible alternatives. Doctors had given it a maximum life expectancy of one general election, but even that diagnosis proved to be optimistic. Constantly wounded by labour and the conservatives muscling in on the political middle ground, an immediate misapprehension that age and experience a no substitute for a background in PR, Campbell's leadership remained sickly throughout its short life, and its unexpectedly swift end was a merciful relief for those close to it. Campbell's leadership will be best remembered for coming second in the Bromley and Chisel

Hurst by election, and for being awarded a green star badge for a nice policy on the environment. Campbell's leadership leaves behind a party still searching for its true purpose, and will be missed by some of those who would notice its existence. And now the Bugle Audio-Criptic Crossword, the unique Audio-Criptic Crossword, the second clue today, last week you had one across. This week it's one down. Those of you who got one across right will know that the first letter of this solution to one down is S, those of you who got it wrong won't know that. So here is the clue for one down, six letters long. Stretches across around King and Waxes' arse. Now this is a special historical clue,

marks the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare, Wacken King James I on the arse, after James said that his new play, Pericles, was a pile of absolute crap. The The looks set to be cheated out of a major football tournament. Looks like we're not going to qualify for Euro 2008. Now of course this happened in 1994 when we were cheated out of a World Cup. Should there not be some reparations for this Andy? Should the squad not be forced to entertain us in some other way? We're being cheated out of vital entertainments. They should put on a play at least. They got plenty of time for rehearsals. It's been a catastrophic week for British football. Oh, God. The government has announced a call of footballers to... Really? No. That it should have done. But more importantly, the rugby world cup final by the time you listen to this will have happened. We're recording this on Friday.

So we're going to give you two alternative reports which basically are predictions for how England's win or loss will be reported in the press so firstly here's what the press will say if England win. Johnny Wilkinson roared to World Cup glory after seeing England home in a spectacular display. Wilkinson scored four penalty goals and all three tries as England thrashed South Africa. The first try came when Johnny Wilkinson won a line out knocked it down to Johnny Wilkinson who pass it out to Wilkinson who chip to the corner where Johnny Wilkinson plucked the ball out of the sky and put it down. What a player this man is. Wilkinson quite unstoppable throughout his

forward play was magnificent Wilkinson and Wilkinson in the second row a real powerhouse and really behind the scrum Wilkinson called all the shots and took the pressure off Johnny Wilkinson outside him It wasn't having such a good game A truly momentous performance from England's one and only rugby player and this is what the press will say It should England lose England slumped a defeat in the World Cup final despite the heroic efforts of Johnny Wilkinson. Wilkinson kicked all of his penalties, not including the ones whose trajectory was adversely and unfairly affected by physics

and mist. South Africa called the crucial try when someone who isn't Johnny Wilkinson made a mistake. How England must have wished Johnny Wilkinson had been there to stop it. Johnny Johnny Johnny Wilkinson. Wow there to stop it. Johnny Johnny Johnny Wilkinson Wow, I both love and hate that man Now should Brian Habana though and he not have been banned from the World Cup because I found out this week that earlier this year He performed a race against a cheetah The cheetah beat him in the end because it was chasing a bloody leg of lamb that was being dragged along. But is this not using an unfair amount of human adrenaline in his system?

What? The fear of being eaten by a cheetah? The fear of being eaten by a cheetah. So either, if this is allowable, then we should be using this system with our underachieving British sprinters. They should all be chased by cheetahs and humors. That way, at least if Molland Devonis doesn't get any faster, he will at least be eaten. The Central Throw Now and this report on the European Championship quarterfinal at the Birmingham Houghdown from our Modinal Sports Correspondent, Woll. Britain's dreams have been a bolchiest team in Europe are over for another four years. After they crashed out of the quarterfinal with Spain throwing their chance to

ums eight disappointing average of only 5.8 drops. The impressively cantankara spaniards were consistently arassible throughout and now progress to a potentially thrilling semi-final against the explosive but occasionally too sulky Italians. Spain took an early lead when their inspirational captain Ignacio del Wuvo again showed his world class ability to completely flip out at the nearest provocation. When Tol there was no decafinated T-available, he overturned his table with one

limb-flailing jerk, started shouting at the waitress that she had ruined his entire day, and that she and her establishment deserved every piece of misfortune that came their way. Britain, despite some excellent wobblies from the new castle temperamentless, big money summer signing, Wambon Cruck, his reaction to having a Scottish 10-pound note rejected by a shoppersist and was a classic of its type, never threatened the Spanish dominance. And Real Madrid's Feliziana, Alamiya Sanchez sealed the victory with an unstoppable red face tie raid at a crashed computer. After the defeat, British tantrum throwing legend desire

Crabble announced his retirement after a 15-year career that has included a world title to Patti of the Year Awards and a world record bout of Toad Rage. Crabble explained, I just don't have the fire in my guts anymore, I used to be able to blow my top with anything, losing my keys, forgetting to shut windows, the phone ringing during neighbours. They didn't call me the human Cracato for nothing, but laterally since I hit my mid-30s, I found I just can't keep up with the younger players anymore. It pretty much needs someone to steal my car from me to fully wig out. So on the day, Britain simply not cranky enough, and Spain flouts onwards towards more bad tempered glory.

Finally, other sports news, Roger Federer won the Man of the Match award for his 6-Love 6-3 Winner of Guillermo Canyas at the Madrid Masters last week. And some results in hunting the quarterfinals, Human Stogson Horses 1, Fox-Nill, Lions-3, Wildebeest-Nill, Sharks-18, Seals-Nill, Seals, never really got into the game, and Eagles-11, Mice-1, one Eagle did choke to death. All the seeded species go through to the semi finals, where eagles will play lions, that could be a stalemate, and humans, dogs and horses will take on sharks. Home advantage could be crucial in that one.

Quick weather forecast now, Andy, what do you think the weather is going to be like this week? Well, I got it absolutely wrong last week when I thought it would be wet and it's in fact being nice. So this week, I think there's going to be no weather at all. I think there's just going to be a void in the sky and people are going to wonder what's happened and that's actually going to miss it strangely. OK, I'm just going to narrow my forecast this week and I am issuing a tornado warning to the people of Leicester.

So that's all from the Bugle for this week. Do write into us at the Bugle at timesonline.co.uk. And next week we'll be back to look at things like the world, stuff, and more stuff from me and his ultimate in London Goodbye. From me, John Oliver, in America, hello. in America. Hello.