The Bugle - The News Stinks - Bugle 4109

Episode Date: May 18, 2019

Alabama is pro-life, until you've been born, Australia has an election and so does Europe. Plus, some major smells making headlines.Andy is with Alice and Hari Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Uglars, and welcome to issue 4109 of the world, leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world. I am Andy Zoltzmann, here in London, a city that is in a considerable state of nervous excitement ahead of the long awaited European elections that will take place next week.

And if we can find in about our democratic dreams of voting for something even more point extreme usually by default. Joining me from around the world, we are covering an awful lot of A. Hemispheres and B. Time Dows in this show. Firstly, from New York City, USA, welcome back to Harry Condobolo. Hello, Andy, hello, Alice. I mean, you've just thrown a massive spoiler and as to who the second guest is going to be there, who is it? I'm trying to build a, I can't build suspense again. Let's find now listeners. Also joining me from very early tomorrow morning. In Australia, it is Alex Fraser Wellguest. Very well guessed everyone who got it right.

Hello Alex. Hello Harry, hello Andy. Hello Budalers. I assume you're there. But it is 10 past 1 AM and boy am I everything tired. Well, I mean we can balance that out because Hori is at 11am today, Thursday. So presumably you are absolutely full of beans. I'm not sure what that means, but if you're setting up a wake then yes, I am very wide

awake. Alice, how is the future? At the moment, it is dark. That's both metaphorically and literally. Good the forecast was accurate. Yeah, exactly. What happens after the show is to be the mixture of fatigue and the bleakness of existence. Welcome to the bugle. We are recording on Thursday the 16th of May. So it is the bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 20th of May, which is World B Day.

That's B-E-E-D-A-Y rather than E-I-D-E-T, which may be an accurate description of the world these days. So anyway, to commemorate World B Day, which is only instituted in the last couple of years, this week's bugle comes with Part one of a free audio B-keeping kits. And part one is, shitloads of bees. Don't you think, been quite something in it, I mean. As always, the section of the view will be going straight in the bin, Including, well, a quick science section,

a very exciting discovery this week. A new facial feature has been discovered to previously undiscovered flutch. Apparently humans have one on each cheek, echoed just between the chin and the eye. No one knows what they're for. Also in archaeology section, they've discovered a lot of bones in winch stick cathedral

belonging to English monarchs from a thousand years ago, and they have concluded from these bones that Monks, a thousand years ago, may have had legs and heads, as so many Monks have done through history. They're not so different from ordinary people, like you and me. Also, while we look at the very notable breaking news from the world of news media, the BBC this morning announced plans to rebrand its flagship 10pm news bulletin. Its current title, the 10 o'clock news, will be replaced by, oh God what now. BBC News and current affairs commissar Aglov Plomory explained, it gives the viewer a much clearer idea of what they're about to watch. So we investigate all that, those sections in the bin.

Top story this week, abortion in the USA. Well, in the self-styled Land of the Free, the Home of the Brave, the Senators of the State of Alabama have bravely given themselves the freedom to impose their pseudo-biblical will on the wombs of women. The unrolling and imposition of arrogantly-cantish medievalism is of course just part of the fabric of life in the United States and after this decision by the Alabama Senate, Governor Kay Ivey said in a statement to the Bill's many supporters, this legislation stands as a powerful testament to alabemyans deeply held belief that every life is precious and that every life is a sacred gift from God.

Alabama is a state which loves life in all its forms so much that it requires no permit for the purchase of firearms and has the second highest gun death rate in the USA. Take that Statue of Liberty. Sorry, so hang on. Let me do that again. Take that Statue of Liberty. Sorry, so hang on. Let me do that again. Take that Statue of Liberty back for once, time to melt down the old copper operas she's known and replace it with a Statue of Irony, a 150-200-ton balding white man with a knowingly raised eyebrow.

Hari, it is an oddly divisive topic in the year 2019 in the world's leading civilization. Self-proclaimed. How is America reacted to this? Well, it seems at best outdated legislation. I mean, Americans are reacting, the way Americans always react. You know, chunk of the people are freaking out. The other chunk of the people, they're celebrating. And a larger chunk, the largest chunk, has no idea what's going on. And at some point in the next few years, we'll say, what do you mean we can't get abortions?

So things are going the way they always go. It was kind of stunning, because Alabama lawmakers, like a lot of states are trying to abandon abortion in different ways because they really, they wanted to go up to the Supreme Court. So the historic Roe v. Wade decision could get overturned with a conservative Supreme Court. So what Alabama does, Alabama has like the strictest anti-abortion laws, even in the cases of rape and incest, women are not allowed to get abortions. The incest part in particular shocked me

because that hits Alabama pretty hard. Ah! Very exciting. Are we gonna cut that one? We're probably gonna cut that joke at a minute. Uh, people who assist in abortions could get up to 99 years in prison, which is so shocking that even pat robertson

the famous televangelist thought it was too extreme and i'm pretty sure he thinks homosexuality leads to earthquakes and tsunamis ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha rules about cutting jokes. We believe a joke begins at conception. And you've got to bring it to absolute fruition whether you want to or not. I truly, I think this law does not go far enough. For example, abstinence only education has been proven not to work. I think we should legislate sex itself, ban it all, bans sex. Why not? It's the only way to really prevent any kind of abortion. Medieval style chastity belts for all, except those who are into that sort of thing, that's gross. Paternity payments should be backdated from conception, and by that, I mean, from the first moment the people involved conceived of having sex in the first place.

from the first moment the people involved conceived of having sex in the first place. Yeah, taxigeculation stopped the problem at the source. There's a lot of very constructive suggestions there that make frankly a bit more sense than what the Alabama Senate is to put through. Well, I have a counter proposal to ours. So that's okay. Yeah, that's what we're very open-house here. Well, I have a counter proposal to Alice. That's okay. Yeah, that's what we're very open house. Yep. Well, I think that men should get the sector. Mees at the ages of 23 or 24 mandatory, or whenever it is people first start having sex. So what is that? 23, 24. Because the thing is you can reverse a vasectomy. So if you want to have kids, you reverse it and if you don't, you just get the vasectomy plus men don't want to wear condoms and many don't want to be fathers.

So this is like perfect and you might think, well, what about the risk of STDs, but based on statistics in America, no one clearly cares about that. Again, Harry, this is a very reasonable proposition, but I think again it doesn't go far enough. I think all men should keep their balls in a tupleware bag next to their body at all time and only reattach them in case of emergencies. Well, I mean, I'm going to have to disagree with that because it supports the plastics industry. I don't think that's either the time or point. Representsive Terry Collins, a Republican who sponsored the legislation, said,

this bill is about challenging row versus white and protecting the lives of the unborn, because an unborn baby is a person who deserves love and protection. But did not finish the sentence as it should have gone on, which was, which deserve a person who deserves love and protection, until it is out of the womb. And then it can, in political terms, go f*** yourself, because by slithering out of the sinful vaginarels of whatever woman has been harlot enough to incubate it,

it would have become a person who deserves whatever the brutal harshnesses of social inequality conform is at it. The ever-present death shadow of unrestricted guns, the slow slangs of a carbon-obsessed economy, and the misanthropy of a free market healthcare system. So that's a problem with politics. They don't fully go through with the things that they genuinely mean.

Also in Alabama, Alabama, 24th, most populated state in the USA, but managed to finish 7th in total executions that's since 1976. Fourth in the number of prisoners on death row and I think second in yes as I said second in the highest gun death rate by state in the USA. So it's very much punching above its whites, all the way up to that punching is of itself in the USA. So it's very much punching above its white. All bit of that punching is of itself in the face Just some breaking news coming through Alabama is now considering a law forcing women to wear whatever bras are allocated them by a state half of a 50-old men

Inferpetti in for a pound. Oh, where do we then? Isn't that called the fashion industry? It was noted by a number of people that this legislation was passed by 25 white men. Speaking as a white man, I'm going to last my voice about what happens in women's wombs is being heard long over to you. And it is this, I mean, it's a curious byathlon of Americans conservative politics, of forcing as many people to be born as possible And then making life as dangerous and intolerable for them as possible I mean that the solution potentially is I think that we need to create more interracial babies

I think that's it if you I thought you never asked Why people nixed? I mean, if you want old white men to get a room, get a room, two separate rooms, so you have a problem. But historically, that would do it, wouldn't it? Like, if you increased the number of interracial babies,

I think white people would be like, okay, well, abortion then. I'm gonna say, it's, it's, I'm gonna say interesting way of addressing the situation. Alabama, so I'm gonna need to give some context. How would you describe Alabama as a state's hurry? I've never been there myself. I would say they are a state that would do a thing like this.

It falls right in line. You know, like if New York did it, I'm like, oh, okay, Russia's involved. But like this is something they would do. Extreme, not well thought out. Very religious. A white woman signed it, of course. The fact that there's a right wing white governor

who's a woman in Alabama has seen us progressive there. There was a report that came out, well, just this week in fact, from the website, US News and World Report. And it ranks the 50 states of the USA based on more than 70 metrics, including economy, infrastructure, public safety, fiscal stability, healthcare, education, crime, the natural environment. And basically to determine the best and worst states and Alabama. Well, let's say just missed out on the top 48. Unlucky, Alabama, pipped to

the coveted third least shit state in the union by Mississippi. Louisiana, Louisiana came last, but it does suggest without a banner that maybe the elected representatives focused a little more attention on things that are not other people's wounds that they might make this precious life slightly less fucking shit for their victims, sorry citizens. So while this was happening, there was a report that came out that the US population's birth

rate from 2017 to 2018 dropped. But I think we need to analyze the numbers because it says that it dropped 7% for teenagers 15 to 19, which is good. That is a good thing. And then it dropped 4% for women 20 to 24. Also a good thing. College age, that's a positive thing. Why are we seeing that as negative? And then for women 30 to 34, it dropped 1%. So really the issue is the 3% drop in birth rate between women 25 to 29. And that's the problem because women

apparently are now unwilling to destroy their careers during this pivotal time. But luckily the abortion ban will help that. Well, look, I understand all of these statistics very, very well, Harry, because I wouldn't want to bang an American teenager either. This seems to me like a self-solving problem with the immigration issues that are rolling around at the moment. I also, I don't know if this is too much, but I hear there are some Mexican children floating around loose that could probably fill those gaps.

Yeah, I'll tell you the wrong that loose, Alice, I think. I'm entirely free-range from some of the news reports. Oh god, this is stories, so depressing. Of course, sorry. Of course, gentlemen, born in America at the moment. I'm being born into a nation at war, albeit at trade war, with China. America's managed to restrain itself from too much actual war recently, although apparently the notoriously hawkish John Bolton is agitating for a war with Iran.

And one can only assume he's a bit bored of the various Iraq war films and want some fresh stories for Hollywood because now that explanation makes the blindest bit of f***ing sense. Trade war, more realistic option, if less fun for a sociopathic president with no moral compass. And Donald Trump has slapped tariffs on $200 billion worth of Chinese goods. And it's not gone down entirely well in Beijing. The Chinese president Xi Jinping, speaking at the conference on Asian civilizations, urged countries in in general quotes not to close their doors and hide behind them. I mean that's not the least unhypocritical thing that any Chinese leader has ever said. And also, urging countries not to close their doors and hide behind them. Typical elite,

tried to cancel Brexit and everything it stands for. He said, Brexit, and everything it stands for. He said, gee, also, no civilization is superior over others. I think you'll find Mr. G-I'll never mind. We don't mind a flash about it. And he added the thought that one's own race and civilization are superior, and the inclination to remold or replace other civilizations are just stupid. Hang on, did he miss out the

comment between just and stupid? And he added that to do so would invite catastrophic consequences. Fair enough, yes, speaking as a Brit with some experience of remolding and replacing other civilizations with our own. Yes, catastrophic consequences do happen, but on the plus side, more interesting museums. So let's see the positives as well as the negatives. If we've learned nothing from the Great Depression and the Smooth Hallie tariff act, it's that trade wars are really good for economies that are already suffering. If you don't know anything about the Smooth Hallie tariff act that happened after the stock market crash of 1929 and it is generally attributed as having been the thing that really drove the US economy into the ground. So it's good to know that Trump is learning from history.

I don't understand why it's a trade war because trade implies that things are going both ways and I don't know what the US has to trade. Like what do we make uniquely in America other than Kardashian? I mean, trade was very, very complicated. Trump's chief economic adviser predicted that both sides will suffer from this and Trump then tweeted mission accomplished. And of course there's the famous saying, all fair in love and war, that claim incidentally is not supported by either the Geneva Convention or divorce law.

But all is even fairer in trade war, when frankly anything goes. It's the dangerous cocktail of complicated infantile of juice and expensive. Very much like my Edinburgh show is said. Yeah. On that, the stand from August 30th to the 25th. Roll up.

Roll up. Trump tweeted, our great Patriot farmers will be one of the biggest beneficiaries of what is happening now about his heroic trade war actions with Obama, Patriot farmers. I mean, that's, I didn't even know that, he just did. We're growing patriots in inhumane battery conditions, fed only on scraps of confected national myths,

unable to see the lighting and they finally emerge they haven't developed like true real patriots and they stagger around in confusion until they are finally taken to the abattoir political opportunism and processed into fodder for the electrical electrical cycle. So it's awfully sad. Didn't he pitch for the Alabama legislators back in the 30s? Patriot farmer. Yeah. I think he did. legislators back in the 30s. Patriot farmer. Yeah. I think you did, yeah.

That's a good judge. There was a genuine real baseballer called Urban Shocker. He really does it here. Yes. 20th century. Played for the New York Yankees, or maybe they were the Highlanders at the time. There we go. Well, that's a rare fact in the bugle.

Better clamp down on it. Urban Shocker sounds like a euphemism for something a 12-year-old would tell you about. Just a quick bit of other Trump news. There was a report in the New York Times on Trump's business losses in his previous life as not the f***ing president of the world's biggest economy. And CNN said Trump's Emperor has no clothes moment has come. But the difference CNN is that, well I mean, these are quite different from the story of the Emperor with no clothes on because in this case, the Emperor is proudly standing, stark, bollock naked outside the front of your

house masturbating into your window box. Thank you for that image. If I had a dollar for every emperor that's masturbated into my window box. What a song that was. The early early over of Dolly Parton. in the end of the year. In marginally less depressing political news now, Australia in election time, election fever has struck the nation as the public is faced with the rare opportunity to approximately choose our own federal leadership by voting in the party whose leader will be Prime Minister of Australia for the next three to seven months it will take before they're rolled out of power by internet sign power struggles within their own organization. Australia has a

preferential voting system with numbered votes that cascade down a series of preferences which means more or less the same thing as a two-party system, although people often vote strategically in safe seats for parties like the Greens or independent candidates in order to make it clear that while they know realistically their first preference won't get in and their vote will go to the one of two major parties that they hate marginally less, they're not happy about it. It's important to make it clear. I'm saying it's not really a preferential system, that is it? That's a tolerational system. The party that you're most prepared to be irritated by for the next three years. Well, yes, it is actually looking to be one of the marginally more interesting elections in recent Australian political history, with some actual policy differences appearing between

the two major party leaders who normally just slightly rearranged their loyalty to various mining interests that they both are loyal to, like a child rearranging chunks of corn and dogs vomit their parent hasn't noticed them playing with yet. Of course Australia is not always renowned as necessary the shoppers lemon in the fruit bowl as a nation and Prime Minister cleared things up for confused electorate by saying I'm not running say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to say that I'm going to is tearing apart Australian society and Australian rugby union, currently has discussed recently on the bugle, but I mean, is there a lot of support for Scott Morrison as a potential Pope?

I just think it's funny to imagine an open Pope election. Like if it was open worldwide and it could be anybody, my two choices would be Arkelly or Katy Perry. Arkelly because he was able to cover up a sex scandal for decades and that seems useful for the Catholic Church. And a Pope costume is something Katy Perry would wear naturally. So those are my two candidates. I thought I was going to find out something about Katy Perry there that was going to change the way I listened to whatever the song is that she sings and is famous for. Paul Keating from a Prime Minister had a poppet Peter Dutton, the Home Affairs Minister,

and Keating famous is never been a man afraid to unleash his full vocabularcenal on his political opponents and he urged the votes. Let's talk about Peter Dutton. Two quotes, drive a political stake through his dark political heart. That is the kind of language we need more of in politics. Straight down the line. This man is a vampire. Keating, of course, as the man who famously calls the biggest constitutional crisis in Brito, Australia, history. Probably the biggest crisis in Britain, certainly since King Harold, cops of pointy one in the

paper at the battle hastings in 1066. When he was prime minister in the 90s, he touched the Queen on the back, or judging by the way the British media covered this unforgivably Australian breach of royal protocolia, he groped to Majesty the Queen full on the arse while suggestively looking his lips before asking her royal highness if she'd wanted to go on a swing his holiday to Florida with him. It was quite, I mean it was an extraordinary moment in the history of Britain when the Australian Prime Minister slightly touched the monarch on the back. I mean, was Australia ever fully got over that? You think you're exaggerating there, but Paul Keating was very famous for his way with words,

including talking to his opposition, saying, if there was a university degree for greed, you could all get first-class honours. That's real... ...a real political chat right there. He was known for his insults, including that man is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. That is pure class. If you have a spare hour, it's worth looking up some Paul Kading quotes. And, Anish, could you tell us a bit about Clive Palmer, who seems to be kind of slightly positioning himself as the American Trump? Oh, yes, absolutely. Oddly, having taken his cues from, from Trump, uh, Clive Palmer, he looks like what you would imagine would happen if somebody threw a ball of wet tissue paper at a fat idiot and then

took the ball of wet tissue paper away. He's a bloated representation of overblown greed. He has a ranch full of animatronic dinosaurs. He is a failed Australian businessman and politician. He has a number of mining interests and he cannot put a sentence together to save his political career. And yet somehow he's able to keep going. Again, he created the Palmer United Party in April 2013, winning a Sunshine Coast seat of Fairfax in the federal election then. And he has MP for one term. He's quite famous for falling asleep during Parliament.

And in 2018, he revived his party announcing he'd been running candidates in all 151 seats of the Senate. So basically just what the world needs right now is another big businessman with absolutely no concern for the future of the planet. Yes, he's absolutely taking his cues from Trump speaking in almost incoherent half sentences and his slogan is make Australia great, leaving off leaving off the again for copyright reasons I assume. And... And for accuracy, am I right?

Hey, rude. At least he's dinosaur burnt down. It did. Don't wanna ask us anything to you down here enough, is it? It's true. In breaking Australian news now, 89-year-old ex-prime minister Bob Hawke has died, apparently at home very peacefully and calmly. He was a giant in Australian politics, not only unusually serving a whole term,

but he led Labour to a landslide victory at the 1983 election and he became one of Australia's greatest primesters known as the Silver Baudgey. He was very famous for being able to scull a beer in record time and saying after the 1983 America's Cup, any boss who sacks anyone for not turning up today is a bum. The silver what? The silver bodgie. Bodgie, what is... There was a sort of a rival gang thing in Australia and they were called the bodgies and the widgies.

It was a whole thing. It doesn't make sense. It didn't make sense at any given time, but as Australians, we are obliged ethically to pretend that it made sense. In other Australian news now, more than 500 students and teachers were evacuated from a university library as the result of a smell that was initially a suspected to be gasp, it turned out to be a durian. If you don't know what a durian is, it's a tropical fruit, it's known for its incredibly strong smell, firefighters were called and discovered the fruit. Kipling cold durian, like eating custard in a railway bathroom,

it's a large, yellowish fruit covered in long-hard, sharp spikes, which should give you a clue that it doesn't want to be eaten and it's disgusting. It's banned in most hotels and public transport in Southeast Asia because it smells like someone farted through a used sports sock and then it congealed. I mean it's quite impressive that a piece of fruit can lead to the evacuation of a university. I mean a piece of fruit led to the casting out of humankind from Eden so I don't know what you're talking about. A library's been known to be unparadise. They were afraid that it was some kind of gas or the act of

that like an act of a terrorist when told it was a durian right wing senator phraser and in said a durian what kind of muslim is that that also when reached for comment paul hogan replied you call this a fruit now this is a fruit, and he was holding up a shoe. Yeah.

Ha-ha-ha. Some more durian facts for those unfamiliar with it. The durian is also known as the giant stink male of the Putre pair, and the noxious fruit testicle. It's been likened in order to amongst other, not traditionally consumer-friendly aromas, rotting onions, raw sewage, the later stages of the battle of passion-tail, the cockpit of the Apollo 11 after three grown men had spent eight days locked in it without, as far

as we know, one in the window at any point. The post-intensive game of squash, scrotum of bieldybub, and the soul of Boris Johnson. Other durian facts are that the durian almost bankrupted Scotland in the 1690s. It's banned on public transport in many parts of Asia, and is thought to have been the inspiration for the atomic bomb. If you played football with the Durean, by the end of the game, the pitch would be 83% vomit. Some people kind of like it though, but then some people like all kinds of weird shit. And if you paint a portrait of a Durean, the fruit stays fresh and fragrant, but the painting

ends up looking and smelling like a whale carcass after a summer holiday in the Mexican greenhouse. Durian is notable, it's known as the King of Fruits in many Southeast Asian countries. And it has some symptoms when you eat it. It causes some physical symptoms, which is what you want in your food stuff. It'll heat you up, it'll make you hot if you eat too much. And some say that you shouldn't eat it while drinking alcohol, because you might explode. I mean, that's good to have a warning. Survey news now and some very important research has been conducted which has found out that climate change

is mentioned less in British television drama shows than zombies, cheese, dogs or tea. For some reason the company Deloitte compared the frequency of words such as carbon emissions, recycle, wind power, and hybrid car with words such as Christmas, zombies, cheese. And climate change, it was mentioned 3,125 times behind beer, 21,648, dog, 105,245, tea, 60,000 and 60 and 6, 56,307, which suggests that as a nation we like to seduce dogs with hot beverage. I just want to be the person who pitches that survey to the survey commissioning team. I said that's what we want to watch Telly for a year. Climate change has mentioned left off less often than zombies urine or rhubarb and rhubarb zombie urine.

Coincidentally, it was the original working title for the TV series that eventually became doctor. And I've highlighted the need to give more prominence on television to green issues and how we might change our lifestyles to adapt to the climate changing world that we live in and the BBC has announced a new adaptation of Hamlet in which the Prince of Denmark vacillates indecisively, have a way to get a hybrid on the internet. Also a new World War I children's drama series Terry in the trenches shows the eponymous hero in Terry age 12, avoiding the slaughter at the sun because he was putting the recycling

binner whilst a new documentary marking the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon mission will show the celebrity rocket blasting off from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida by being catapulted by a giant mechanical tribusho made from sustainable wood, before taking 17 months to reach the moon using only a battery powered motor from a mobility scooter belonging to Buzz Aldrin's World Cup. And, well, another survey with the further,

and perhaps slightly less surprising, even less surprising findings, Britain is the drunkest nation in the universe. The survey showed that out of 36 nations in the research project, so British people get drunk more than any of those other nations. And there are some pretty drunker nations we've been up against. So it shows a lot of commitment. And also that cocaine use amongst people in England tops that global list.

So we're taking back control. We're taking back a lack of self-control. That's a lot of practice, all right. I mean, to be fair, like, you know, this is the rate that the survey shows is actually much lower than it was before 2002. And 2002, of course, was the year Dudley Moore died. All right.

That's an Arthur joke. You got, you guys remember Arthur? It's a joke about that movie. It's always fascinating to me, which bits and pieces of other people's cultures American tend to absorb. You like that crocodile, Dundee reference from earlier hours? You like that? You call that a joke now? This is a joke.

No one does that here. Don't know. Just a quick look ahead to the European elections, which are coming up next week, next Thursday we vote on the Parliament, we decided to leave. And it does appear that Theresa May's leadership could be under threat. Some, what is it? Six months after she basically resigned, how long is this fucking resignation going to take? Theresa May, still, if I may refer back to the joke

I've made, pass him on the beautiful, still lobbing those bananas at the burning fire station, even as the flames start, lapping at the trousers of her homemade fireproof suit, which is of course made of bananas. On Brexit, she's continued not so much to hit the nail on the head, but hit the nail with her head, over and over again, like a self-hating, limeless Jesus. What? And, well, Boris Johnson today has confirmed that he will run for the leadership of the conservative party to replace Theresa May, which is good news, as far as I'm concerned, because there's this part of dog shit on the pavement near where I live that was thinking of running

for the Tory leadership, but didn't want to be the worst possible candidate to be Prime Minister. So at least that's a Bit of a weight off the pile of shit shoulders there that Boris Johnson is running against it Boris Johnson looks a lot like Philip Seymour Hoffman in center of a woman nobody points that out Take a look at that movie look he looks like Boris Johnson in that. What does the bug will become a film podcast? You like center of woman, Andy? That's more contemporary, isn't it?

The conservative party allegedly is currently in power. It's very hard to remember. But they are heading for historically catastrophic results at these European elections as voters take out their anger on the fact that Brexit either hasn't happened yet or is still going to happen. It's very little middle-gram between that. And the Victoria's are leaching votes ironically to Nigel Farage, the political blood sucker himself, who was clasped onto the clogged up arteries of our democratic system and is guzzling away like a child on a milkshake.

And one of the for our new Brexit party could do extraordinarily well and when I've long called for a more dynamic political system that allows new fresh political ideas to come forward and get to get ahead publicly and have some kind of democratic representation. And well, I guess that is blowing up in my face as we speak. Amongst the proposal of the Brexit party are that only the 17.4 million people who voted for Brexit should be allowed to vote in all future British elections. It seems only fair. Your emails now, this comes from Richard Martin who writes, long time listener, soon to be

supporter, almost not quite yet through being a broke student. Anyway, if you do want to join Richard and almost becoming, or actually becoming a supporter of the bugle in a financial sense go to the bugle website, thebuebplepodcast.com and click the donate button. Richard writes, last night I was on a blind date. A few hours into it, I discovered that she loves puns and even had ten set-ups memorized. I told her about the Bugle and took her through a couple of your pun runs. Needless to say, she loved it.

I mean, those two Sennis don't necessarily go together, the needless to say, and anyone loving pun runs. She says you're a genius, and now I have a second date. Wow, that is what the power of the punk and do. It opens romantic doors to a happy future. Andy, you're a very creative writer. Did you write that? LAUGHTER Richard continues, being a long time listener, I've always considered the bugles to be a highly

sensual podcast. People are sparking any number of romantic relations. This is the end of you wrote this. And now my suspicion has finally been validated. Cheers. For Ricky and Nashville. There we go. So, there you go, bugles. Let the puns open the doors to love. Do send your emails in to hellobugles at thebuglepodcast.com. Well that's a bring us to the end of this week's bugle. There will shortly be some lies about our premium voluntary subscribers which you can earn yourself by ticking the correct box on the subscription page on the bugle. Thanks for joining us from around well Hori's been delighted to have you back on do look after America.

It appears to need it. Yeah, yeah, I'll do that Andy. It's good to know it's in such safe hands. Alice, when are you back on the right side of the equator? I'll be on the correct side of the equator at the end of this month. I have a live show in London on the 10th of July. I'm doing Mythos. My show, Ethos, last year's show is now available

as a video online. I guess go to my Twitter and there's something there about how you can buy it. I had a legislative AALI-T-E-R-A-T-I-V-E, but yes, I'll be back in like, oh, a week and a half, two weeks, I don't know, I'll have to look at my emails. Maybe I haven't bought a ticket yet. I probably have.

Oh. Oh. By that time, I will be absolutely snout down in the Cricket World Cup which begins on the 30th of March. Wave at me in the commentary box if you're at the vast majority of the games. Hori, any shows to alert all listeners to? Yes. May 23rd through the 25th, that's next week. I will be in Denver, Colorado, at the comedy works. June 14th and 15th, I'll be in Arlington, Virginia at the Arlington Draft House.

That's right in your DC. And this is the big one, the crem, de la crem. June 27th to 30th in Sunnyvale, California. I'm performing at the legendary Rooster T-Fethers Comedy Club. Rooster T-Fethers. And then my comedy career will end. Yeah, yeah, if you are listening to this before Saturday afternoon, Chris, when are you going to get this up? Before Saturday afternoon.

I'm doing a satirist for Harsha at the Underbelly on Saturday afternoon. Chris, when are you going to get this up? Before Saturday afternoon. I'm doing a satirist for high show at the Underbelly on Saturday evening. For Heaven's sake, please. And there's a bugle-ly show at the Underbelly on the 22nd of June, featuring Alice and Nish. So, do come along to that. Oh, I'll put that in my diary now. Go right. Did not. It was in already in there. No, we mentioned it last week, but I forgot.

Oh, good. All right. Did not. Was it not already in there? No, we mentioned it last week, but I forgot. Oh good. Yeah. So, see you all at all of those shows and Chris start out the music please. Here are some lies about our voluntary subscribers. Coulomb Crookshank, Reconceas proof that the Dome of St. Paul's Cathedral was modeled on an ice cream with a chocolate flake in it that architect Christopher Ren was eating when he was surveying the site. Oh, in Griffiths, who writes, Cuck-Hoo Friss has a grudging respect for pigeons, but still wishes they were all potatoes instead.

Paul Perrinho, wonder why we don't just grind all the cliffs down so there's a nice gentle slope to the beach everywhere, whilst an anonymous donor, initials, a.k., thinks that we could reverse global warming by making the world spin north to south for one year out of every 100. Matthias Mikkelsen thinks socks should be earned not bought or given. He advocates replacing the current honour system in Britain by only allowing people to wear socks who've contributed significantly to public life. Jonas Canophani teaches people who run sports teams how to smooth bits of wood into the shape of the 23rd letter of the Russian alphabet. He trains coaches to plane cars.

While Kevin Leider purchases manual harvesting implements for the French far-right leader who doubles up as the emergency stand-in for the former lead singer of Roxy Music when he can't make it to a concert. He buys sickles for ferry sub-Marine. Andrew Smith would like to know how a human would feel if ten motorcycles ganged up, sat on his head in a 1, 2, 3, 4 formation, and made him run down the street for the entertainment of the bang masses. An Anthony West believes fervently that life would be better if we all worked solidly for the first three months of the year 24-7 and then took April to December off instead of working eight days a week instead of working eight hours a day five days a week for the whole year or there we does it that the

April might be a bit of a sleepy month. Stephen Morris is worried that not enough research has been done into the precise melting point of bricks and reckons it is a climate change fused architectural time bomb And Daniel Grossman currently spends four hours a night secretly digging a tunnel from his local zoo to Greenland So he can help spring his favorite polar bear to freedom shore shank style Chris have you got any more lies to add? Yeah, who do you who do you want to lie for? We've got we've got a couple of Yeah, who do you want to lie for? We've got a couple of anonymous donors who need lies, TB and CW. Okay, TB has had three top 10 singles in Spain,

one of which is called Two Vasexocon Una Ballena. Right. Job with the Translate. I'm not having sex with the whale, is it? That's good. Yeah. I'm not writing it right, but I'm not. I'm writing it right, but I'm not. The wire, is it? That's good. I don't know the language. I don't know the language.

I'm just guessing that's what you'd have gone with. Well, it's the fact. And I listened to a lot of Spanish pop. Who was the other one? That was CW. CW writes love letters to you Andy every day. And sends them by email, but hasn't actually delivered. They've just got them all scheduled, and they're all going to arrive on mass in the year 2034 as you get the full arc of their

longing for you, pining for you and then regret that they'd ever done it. Right, well that's the year that I will turn 60 so in showbiz terms I will almost certainly be looking for a new spouse. I'm making you laugh, you can't do better. That is infatically the truest thing that has ever been said in the history of this podcast. Thank you for your contributions and well congratulations for your earning your lives. If you do want to join them in the catalogue of bullshit, go to thebueglepodcast.com and click donate. Until next week, goodbye! you