The Bugle - The Swimsuit Edition

Episode Date: May 4, 2008

The 27th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 27 of the world's greatest and only audio newspaper. For the week beginning Monday, the 5th of May, and this, listeners, is a special Bugle swimsuit edition for which John is wearing a swimsuit. Correct. Can you describe it, John? Yes, it is a kind of Victorian 1920 style neck to toe, blue and white stripes. I'm also wearing a cold handlebar moustache and I have a top hat on anacane and a monocle.

The way gentlemen swim, how about you? What are you wearing? Don't tell me it's a bikini. It's a full bikini. It is a full bikini, John, but I slightly misunderstood the purpose of this swimsuit edition and I am actually wearing a small atoll from a Pacific Ocean. That's one for all you geography fans out there. Today's view will come through to you on later to Mono128.

That is a technical term that I've just heard Paul get you to hear you use. One I've learned to do not understand but I'm willing to use anyway. It's all about saying things confidently enough. As always, some sections of the audio newspaper goes straight in the bin. This week, Hollywood legend John Voitt and Colombian pop Philanthropist Shakira respectively talk and sing you through how to perform an exploratory laparoscopy on yourself using only Kabab stick and a cheap digital camera. Plus a free audio anaesthetic.

Here it is. Also in the bin, an entertainment section, as football becomes increasingly uncompetitive and movies more and more mainstream, is it time to revive public hangings? And why can't we feed Christians to line anymore without the God Squad getting all the whole of them there about it? Plus, a review of the disastrous first night of the London Amateur Change or Juggler's new show was there too much audience participation. Top story in this week's Bugle Beach Party China! And there is a time in the not too distant future when China is going to be the one and only story. And when that is the case Andy,

I want to be ready. So this week I say not only hello and welcome to the bugle, I also say Miu Hoa Hoa Huang Da Qi Ha. China announced this week that it intends to increase its military spending by 18% to 417.8 billion yuan. That's a lot of yuan. In fact, that's $59 billion worth of yuan. So now you know it's a lot of yuan rather than just assuming it was, because it sounded like a lot. Well, it sounds like a lot of money to people like you and me, John, but we don't have our own private army, and therefore we spend,

commensurately, less on our defence budgets. But it's still quite a fair whack, this is certainly around about $60 billion, and America is complaining that the real figures actually around twice that. America itself actually only spends a fraction of what China forks out. Is that the right term? Chopsticks out. On its military. Just a fraction of what China spends, America spends, quite a big fraction. In fact, quite a big collection of fractions. About 20 halves, in fact, of China's spending. So America is leading from the front, telling China off about

defense spending, very much like a naked Catholic priest diving into a crowded paddling pool, telling everyone to leave the children alone. That's right, the US military budget last year was $440 billion. So let's just check the maths on that. They're angry at China spending $59 billion, yet the US spends $440 billion a year. No, that can't be right. I mean, that sounds ridiculous. I must have made a miscalculation with the figures there, Andy. My mistake, if those figures were true,

the Pentagon would be massive hypocrites. And I know they're not that, so the fault must be mine. Tell you what, I'll crunch these numbers again and I'll get back to you. Just before this announcement, the US had released a statement criticizing China's military spending. That's like taking criticism for eating too much from someone who has five donuts wedged in their mouth. In fact, I can't say for sure

that that statement about military spending was not issued by someone who did have five donuts wedged in their mouth. Well, that's how the Pentagon give most of their statements nowadays. Just take the edge of things, trying and distract the world from the impending doom by looking at someone with five doughnuts in their mouth, just a bit of slapstick, basically. In fact, America in total spent almost $600 billion on various aspects of military expenditure

last year. Now, let's compare that with the United Nations annual total spending of $20 billion on all of its operations. Let's also throw in the fact that America, the world's richest country, is responsible for over 90% of the unpaid UN subscription fees. They owe banking millions, friends, almost $700 million. And I guess we could understand if China's response to America's complaints about its defense spending are to tell it to swivel and stop being such a dick. China is soon going to have so much money, it's actually going to be hard to comprehend. So it's important for them to use the international symbol of great wealth.

They need to wear top hats, molecules and canes. That has to be the new mouse suit. At least we'll then know where they stand. But China is the insistent though, John, that its defence programme is purely defensive and doesn't pose a threat to any other country. As long as that any other country isn't a country that's already part of China, in which it probably does pose quite a big threat to it, particularly if you're dressed in a cloak. Do you think, though, John, that we should be worried about? So, John is increasing defense furniture here in Britain.

I mean, I'm not worried about it at the moment, and I love sports. I won't actually be even thinking about worrying about it until after the Olympics at the very earliest. But is it possible that China could invade Britain sometime in the next two years? What? I mean, I don't know. I guess you've got to ask yourself, what has Britain got that China doesn't have that it might be interested in? Scotland? Scotland, that's true. China doesn't have Scotland, but would it really be interested in Scotland? Well, I don't know. I do think we should hang on to Scotland and use it as a bargaining chip

Just in case the Chinese do invade. Yeah, I just think that the queen they don't have a queen Just think how much they'd love to take the queen back to Beijing. Just as a kind of trophy Chairman Mao did try it once it tried to seduce her at a table tennis tournament But I think maybe the time has come for us to preemptively invade China first, John, to try and make them show their military hand. And if I personally was going to invade China, and I hasten to have that at the moment, that is a hundred percent hypothetical scenario. Right.

Well, 95 percent. Then I would probably try to land a boat in Halongjiang province in the northeast of China, and then fight my way down towards Beijing, trying to go on a support from the peasant population as I go, and kind of hope a kind of snowball effects takes place. Also I might hope that that provokes a full Tibetan uprising in the west of China creating a kind of pincin movements on the Chinese government. Right, I mean you've actually thought this out a lot more than I expected you to, Andy. Yeah.

You're talking like someone who has a plan pretty much underway. Well, you know, you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. That's the world, look at it, John. Now, at the good point, we'll be at the lottery of one man in invasions of China losing tickets to come at something of a personal price. Also, in China, police in the south of the country have apparently discovered a factory, which has been manufacturing free Tibet flags completely unaware. The factory workers claim they thought they were just making happy colourful flags and didn't realise their deep political meaning.

As Aristotle himself said, one man's colourful flag is another man's desperate plea for international humanitarian and political support. It's such a fine line. I'm sure Andy that the Chinese police recognised that this was an honest mistake and I'm sure that they the Chinese police recognized that this was an honest mistake and I'm sure that they're laughing about it now, back at the precinct, over the howling screams of the factory owner. I tell you what, you do not want to get caught with in China at the moment Andy and that

is a box full of Tibetan flags. I'm pretty sure there's no worse thing to be caught within a box. If I was a Chinese factory owner, which I nearly am, I just need to wait for the paperwork to go through, I would make absolutely sure that what we were producing was not Tibetan flags. Even if I did have no idea what Tibetan flags looked like, that would be my first and only question when taking any job. We need you to produce 200,000 shower nozzles, okay. And the shower nozzles are definitely not Tibetan flags. No, they're shower nozzles. Okay, you have yourself a deal, but it was good to be sure. US economy now, and the US economy is still lying sick in bed,

gurgling incoherently, and occasionally calling out for a priest. The confidence of US consumers has fallen to a five-year low, and that is bad news here Andy, not only is this entire economy built on consumption, but these people will buy anything. And they know that there's the biggest and the best consumers in the world. There's a new snack that just come out here, which is a bagel with cream cheese injected into the middle of it, so you don't need to waste time spreading it on yourself. And rightly so, yes it's disgusting, but that is valuable extra time that you can be using to buy a 46 inch plasma screen to go in front of you 42 inch plasma screen

If their confidence really is waning we are all in trouble all I'm saying is if Americans aren't buying something it's not getting bought Yes, a US consumer confidence is apparently down to 62.3 confidence points By comparison me in an awkward social situation is 64 points, so that is pretty low confidence, John. Yeah, that's not great. That's not great. It's actually the lowest since just before the Iraq war started, which suggests that Iraq really made US shoppers feel good about themselves. I basically thought, well, my country is bringing democracy to the oppressed and curing Iraq of Al-Qaeda, well I deserve a new shirt and what the heck a new sausage machine as well. So for all the financial cost of the Iraq jaunts, everything is cost America.

What would really boost the economy right now is for Bush to have the courage of his friends convictions again and have a pop it Iran. Yes, it would be a logistical and political who-ha, but the economy is the the economy. It's all that really counts, John. You can tell your friends that from me. Absolutely. Maybe we need to give Americans and American consumers a course of self-help audio tapes they can listen to to boost their consumer confidence. Just click them on at night. You're standing in a stall. In front of you is an object you do not remotely need, will not use and cannot possibly afford. Repeat after me, I must purchase this item. It's what Lincoln would have wanted.

Aki Pongshore Hypnosis, Amanda, whatever it takes, the point is the global economy needs America back in the game. The American government is attempting to boost economy by handing out tax rebates to Americans. That's right. What are people spending on John? Have you got one? Well, I don't know. I mean, no, no, I haven't. They're going to go out to around 170 million homes. There are $600 per person.

They say it's an attempt to revive the battered economy. And the problem is it is a gamble though, because the last thing the government wants people to do is to save this up or to use it to pay back debts, to act in a responsible way now would be the worst possible thing to do. Now they really need people to fritter this away on bullshit. That's virtually an instruction from the White House. They need the money going back into the system.

It's more than that it's a patriotic duty to Americans in the war against the credit crunch. When your grandchildren sit on what's ever left of your knees in America, you Americans, and ask you, Grandpa, what did you do in the credit crunch? Do you want to shuffle awkwardly, look out of the window, cough nervously, and start singing a nursery rhyme to distract them?

No. Do you want to stand up, turn to the silver-plated Alan Green's ban on your mantelpiece, and announce proudly, I bought a 60-inch plasma screen TV to go in front of my 46 and 42-inch plasma screen TVs. I didn't lie down and let the credit crunch me, I put my artificial fangin and crunch the credit back. I was a hero. God bless America! That's what you want to do Americans. Don't let your nation down. Americans, if you take this rebate and you save it or pay back debts, you are no better than the terrorists.

In fact, you're much worse. Yes, we've spent our way into trouble, but the worst thing to do would be to stop now, Andy. You've got to spend your way out as well. Push on through to the other side. British politics now and Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been hammered and mauled at a ballot box like a teenage binge drinker on a bad night out. On the minus side, less than 10% of potential voters voted for the Labour Party. On the plus side, he could say that with

a 35% turnout in the low collections, 75% of potential voters in all didn't vote against him. So once again, those key floating voters are gonna be crucial, John. Hold on a second. What was that 110% turnout? No, I mean, including the 10% that actually voted for Labour plus the 65% who loved democracy so much, then won a risk getting it wrong

by writing an X in the wrong box? That's the thing. I mean isn't it not the big story from the night that yet again the land slide winner was the concept of people not giving a shit about things It's always gonna be the way John though. Yeah, that's what we thought the wars were we thought wars So that we had the right not to give a shit about stuff. Yep, true, true. So the floating vote of the weekend by voting, of course, are dooming bobbing face down on a reservoir of disillusionment. Gordon Brown seems to be in some trouble, Andy, as his unpopularity rises like a sunflower of doom.

Asked whether he had a presentational problem and was less able to give a human answer to a question than his predecessor, Tony Blair, he said, my job is to work every day on behalf of the people of this country. So yes, a simple yes. Blair did have that uncanny quality of giving you bad news in a way that a friend would or be it a friend who was directly responsible for the bad news in question. In the same interview, Gordon Brown was asked by the journalist what the first thing he thought of in the morning was when he woke up that day.

And he said it was a housing crisis and how to get first time buyers onto the ladder. The first thing before thinking where am I? Or I don't wanna be awake yet, or if someone doesn't get me a cup of coffee the next two minutes I'm gonna kill the first thing that moves. No, not that, the housing crisis.

And the horrendous thing is that can even be true. I wouldn't put it past him thinking that. I'm sure his wife, during a romantic dinner, has found herself saying, what are you thinking, Gordon? Only for him to reply, oh, whether low interest rate, so genuinely the long-term fiscal interest of this country? He's a serious man, Andy. And for some inexplicable reason, we don't want that. We certainly don't. He's got to also be slightly left in the position of the guy who would have had to take charge on the Titanic, had Captain Smith said, my god, you were right, it is an iceberg. I could have sworn it was only a chocolate wrapper, my mistake.

Is that the time I'll do? I must be off now. Well, you've always been an ambitious lad. You take the reins, right? Get my chopper. I'm out of here. The result of the London Meryl election is not quite out as we record, but it does seem that Ken Livingston, the incumbent mayor, could well lose to joke candidate Boris Johnson. Raising the possibility that he will do a Magarby and refuse to announce the result for weeks before eventually saying, yeah, we're going to have to have a recount. Who knows

about that? All I can say for Shorjon is that at this very moment, there's a big Chinese ship more than the Thames outside City Hall in London. And there's a courier waiting in reception saying, no, it's a special delivery. Mr Livingston has to sign for himself. It does seem that London, a major international city, is about to vote for comedy rather than competence and have what I mean the rest of the world really do have something to look forward to in Johnson. That's the worst thing. I'm not sure I can entirely disagree with it. It's going to be awful. It's going to be absolutely awful but it's going to be funny. The whole thing

is a bit like a plot of a low budget comedy film though it's not the greatest ever example of a drunken dare going much better than expected. Basically the plot is man bets friends he can't become mayor of London. Friend takes bet whilst hammered. Man says there's no way you're win. You're an obvious tit. Friend says good point but let's have a laugh anyway. Friend ends up winning by default. OX asks man what do I do now? Man says, don't know mate, just wing it. Friend says, yeah good call, how badly could it possibly go, leaving it open for a hilarious sequel. Other news now, and overweight prisoner in the United States is suing the authorities for not feeding him enough after he lost about seven stone in jail.

Broderick Lloyd-Layswell is a waiting trial for murder and has dropped down to 22 stone. That's right, down to 22 stone. So he's still fat, that's not in question. He's just not quite as fat as he feels he has the right to be. The constitutional right. It's all in there and he just after the stuff about a more perfect union. Yeah, he lost almost 25% of his body weight in only eight months.

So you weight, John, celebrities are going to be lining up to commit crimes just to get a spell inside shedding those excess pounds. In the weeks before the Oscar ceremony, you're going to have Hollywood starlets smashing up bus stops, throwing dogs off bridges and driving the wrong way up railways just to get a stint inside. That's right, Dieter of Boom Industry in the US and he shouldn't be suing, he should be bringing out a book and an instructional video. The murder trial 8 month crash diet, need to lose weight fast, holiday on the horizon, why not get arrested on suspicion of murder? He worked for me, broad-driced Lloyd Layzwell, I lost 140kg during my incarceration before trial, and you can too!

Fit into that bikini for the beach yet! Beastship is reliant upon pending acquittal for your murder charges, weight may go up as well as down. Also, in the world of crime, the European cause of human rights is considering whether people should have the right to pre-serve sentences. Under a new scheme being trialled in the Netherlands and as yet innocent member of the public is serving a prison sentence of between 15 and 20 years depending on behaviour before being released to murder the man who ran off with his wife. If successful, all EU citizens will be allowed to build up crime credits through short stints in jail. Just two weeks a year for 10 years will entitle you to smack someone around the head with a wine bottle. British food news now. The Cumberland sausage has submitted a request to the European Union

to be granted protected status, hoping that it will get a similar ranking to champagne, parma ham and Greek fetishies. And yes, that seems fair, Cumberland sausage seems to be the perfect next food stuff in that list. Fits right in, for those of you that don't know what a Cumberland sausage is, prepare to have your innocent shattered. You will now separate out your life into what it was like before knowing what a Cumberland sausage was and what it has been like since. Strapping, Cumberland sausages are very long, usually around 50 centimetres, unlinked, so are usually cooled around flat in one long sausage circle. It's like a meat diskus.

They are sometimes served with a fried egg on top and chips and peas. Who said, British food is terrible? The EU must grant them their wish. Champagne, Parma ham, Greek fetiches, meat discus. It just sounds right. Well, personally, I absolutely love the cumbulance ofage and I don't like the way you're denigrating your national food stuff, John. I feel you've embraced America rather too enthusiastically. You're not welcome back here anymore. Fine, fine. But I would say maybe even if it is that the quality of foodstuff you're suggesting is, then maybe getting it protected by the European Union is a defensive measure

to stop people producing dangerous imitation cumble and sausages, thereby poisoning the population of Europe. And finally, a quick war on terror update. It is five years to the week since George W. Bush declared that mission had been accomplished in Iraq. He was standing on an aircraft carrier in front of a banner saying mission accomplished, which new files and photos released by the Pentagon say that that in fact was not the entire banner and the whole banner said mission not yet accomplished unless that mission was to alienate and antagonise the entire Arab world in which case mission accomplished.

So that little query has now been cleared up. And in other war on tyrannies bin Laden's son is mounting a legal appeal after being denied the ability to live in the UK with his 52 year old British wife. They were planning to settle down in the small village of Molten in Cheshire. And you know what, it would have been worth letting him in, just to see how the villagers reacted to suddenly living next to Bin Laden's son. That is a sick-com waiting to happen, Andy. A procession of villagers taking him around, jars of homemade jam, inviting him to the village fate, desperately trying not to bring up the subject of the World Trade Centre.

Beryl, I want to invite Ben Laden and his lovely wife to the village fate, yet it's on September 11th. How do I ask? And now the section of the world has been waiting for the return of the world's most influential opinion former weighing in at 350 kilos from the United States. It is the American! America! Two quick things one is 350 kilos a lot. I have no clue I don't understand just do it normal like pounds. I don't even know what that means kilos

What's that normal? What's that normal? What is your country's problem with deciding whether or not to accept decimalization? One day it's on the next day it's off. I don't know, are you speaking French right now? I don't even know the same what you're saying. It's the will they won't make thing. It's that free song. It's like Ross and Rachel years ago. Yeah, I gotta tell you. By the way, I am thrilled to be here

on swimsuit edition. Oh, yes, you're welcome. Anytime I can get the old banana hangar out of the closet, I am thrilled. I'm absolutely thrilled. Because you know, it's funny, because I know in Europe, where in a man-tongue is kind of acceptable, but here in America people give you a lot of

flack about it, but I figured since you guys are, you know, from over there, I can probably pull it off. I'm glad to say that your banana hanger is the good old styles and stripes. Oh, you better believe it. Every single stike's represented. You better believe it. All 50, baby. All 50. And I'll tell you, I'll tell you right now, Arkansas is not visible. And it is pronounced Arkansas. There you go. I I'm gonna have to bend over for you to see which start that is and I won't do that. Oh heavens to Betsy. Just a quick tip for listeners if you're gonna go with the banana hanger you know the man Keeney you're gonna want to you're gonna want to trim around the hedges you know what I'm saying you're gonna want a man'scape you're gonna wanna trim around the hedges. You know what I'm saying? You're gonna wanna manscape.

You're gonna wanna manscape. Because, you know, come on, you're out in public. Well, have some respect. I'm gonna tell you that is one hell of an entrance. Hey, it's a swimsuit edition. I'm proud of who I am, I'm proud of what I'm about. I'm proud to be an American. Well, I'm very glad you're so proud to be an American

because you've had some fairly unpleasant emails from your fellow countrymen that have come into us. American Alfredo brings me no pleasure to break this new gene. Are you sure they're now from that UK website? Definitely not. This comes from a man who claims to be a true patriot called Nate John Evan. Who writes, I'm an American. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's his name. I'm sorry. I could be on the American side here. Nate what that sounds French. Yeah, it's spelled JOHN IVAN John Ivan it sounds like there's a man is being indecisive with Christian names. Yeah He writes I'm an American and I don't think your sample American speaks for the whole country and it's not fair.

He called America a woman, that's bullshit. America is manlier than a cowboy eating a still breathing rattlesnake. America is John Rambo with technological advances of the Terminator and the lighthearted chubbiness of Jack Black. For shame, American, for shame, if the world were a playground, America would be the bully that knocks you off the slide Then gives you an ice cream cone that it's pissed on First of all a cowboy eating a rattlesnake. Could that be more homo orado? Like that. I mean, let's look at let me tell you something French guy, okay? I don't want to see a cowboy eat a rattlesnake, okay? I want to see a cowboy inside a woman and if America's a woman that's exactly where I'll be

All right That is the Wild West for you. Yeah, yeah, it's the frontier Now so American what what are you gonna do? Presumably you got a $600 rebites this week. I mean what are you gonna do with yours? Well, I mean I gotta tell you I mean it's free money from the government anytime you're getting it. It's unbelievable. I've actually already kind of spent mine. Oh really? Well, just because I did what the president said, I just put it right back out there.

It hasn't come in yet, but I know it's common so I spent it. So what are you, what are you most? I've got a couple things. I got a two 65 inch HDTVs. I got one for my living room, one for the bedroom. Okay. There's six 1080p, they're all 1080p surround sound. What does that even mean? 1080p.

It's like, it's got like 1080p's, so it's like just like. Yeah, but what is ICP mean? I mean, what? It means like, well, because some of them are like 720i, so this one's 1080p. Yeah, but yeah sure But what is actually a TP well 10 was 720 is lower number than 1080 and I come before pee in the alphabet So it's just all like up a notch So you upgraded yeah exactly well. I got rid of the 780 i 720i

It's because why would I want the newest stuff? You got up the new is stuff Yeah, I want to go up the alphabet and off the numbers. I want to go up to scale So you've got these and you're you're living around your bedroom So what have you got in the bathroom? Well bathroom? I got a 32 inch in the kitchen I got a 15 inch okay, right hold on a second. I mean that's it's $600 per person. That's yeah I'm not telling you what I'm not dying got more stuff hold on I got a jet ski I got one jet ski yeah new to cuz I have a jet ski But I figured why not get another jet ski now is the time money's coming in well

Another one and this one's faster than my old one and it's it's more like a neon green my other one was like a hunter green I didn't like it as much and then I got a jet ski care kit like it's a kid of stuff to take care of your jet ski It's like a wax by the way. I just want a quick shout out big Tony's jet skis in a in a bay on whoa No, well, no, no, just cuz I'm Tony's jet skis in a bayon. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Thanks, don't, well, no, just, because I'm thinking maybe I'll give me a free wed suit or something, you know, just. Don't feel like I'm letting this go without

issuing a slight word of caution. That is, that does seem, you seem to have exceeded your $600 limit. Yeah, I mean, I, I mean, I, yeah, I got a couple Xboxes and stuff too and a couple blue rate discs. Okay, you've spent too much. Well, no, he's a thing though.

You know, I'm paying attention to the numbers because, think about it, like I spent all that money and I put, he's a thing though. You know, I pay attention to the numbers because Think about it like I spent all that money and I put it on my card my credit card, right? And now I got $20 a month for minimum payments So I got you know do do the math there. It's like, you know 20 times 20 times what 30 is 600 So there you go 30 months. It's almost two years of owning this stuff No, hold hold on a second. I mean, I've been doing the maths while you've been talking and you're in serious trouble there. I mean, you don't own any of that.

No, I do though. No, you don't talk me. One of the things you don't own, own that stuff because you haven't paid for it. Oh really, you're gonna tell me I don't own it? Did I just watch American Idol and HCTV last night at my house? Okay, so, would you tell me some man's gonna come in

and take this away from me? I don't think that's gonna happen. It's called America, okay okay? I think that is gonna happen. We live well in this country That's what we do. It's a kind of the basis of the whole thing. The founding fathers wanted that. I'm just say we're HDTV It's being the Constitution. I'm just there were when they wrote the Constitution I'm just saying that you might find that's going from watching American Idol on your wujetski mm-hmm You might be just be sitting alone in an empty room. I doubt that. I doubt that. And I'll tell you why I doubt that, because that's not what happens here.

People, you get stuff. And that's what it's about. Living in America is about living. We stress the word living in America. Live. Don't come here to low-key. You don't come here to low-key. You live. You spend what you don't have, because you know you're gonna make it because it's American people's dreams come true here kind of the basis of the country Look it up hold on you stressed let me stand up. Let me give a little twirl Let me remind you about what I'm wearing it wear out from

That is graphic have you got your George Washington Walter wings on as well No, but I'm gonna put those down on my list of things to get no stop buying things Well, I need like there's one or two other things I just need, like I wanted to get some new rims for my Toyota, you know. Because have you seen these rims, they spin independently of the wheel. So it's like your wheel, your part that I like, but the rim is still spinning.

So people like, is this guy moving? Is he standing still? Is he moving? I love that. Just to see the reaction on people's faces, it's worth the money. It's worth the money. You're getting the world into a huge credit crunch by this kind of behavior.

You jeopardizing all of our lives. When you say I mean I don't know to say much about credit crunch. I mean credit card you're saying? No I'm not saying that. People are losing their homes around the world because of you buying jet skis. I don't think so. I don't think they are. I think those people have their own problems and I have a jet ski.

You know what I'm saying? And here's the thing. If those people out of jet ski they probably won't be so. I don't think they are. I think those people have their own problems and I have a jet ski You know what I'm saying and here's the thing if those people out of jet ski They probably would be so depressed about losing their homes You get out on the open water you speed a little bit you get the wind and you face things are okay You remember things are okay, and they help me out. He's sounding like he's making sense. Yeah, well we had another email From Amanda Mitchell American who is actually offering her services as a replacement American for you. She writes, I would like to offer my services should your current featured American ever become unavailable. Though I am the current American's polar opposite in many ways, I feel

I'm actually overqualified for his position, as I have plenty to be angry about, seeing as I am financially destitute, liberal-minded female who lives in northern Wisconsin. So we're entering a battle between New Jersey and Wisconsin here. Who is going to come out on top? Well, yeah, I mean, and I would, I'll tell you this, everyone in America thinks they're more American than everybody else, and I'm proud that that's the country I live in. You know what I'm saying?

You thought you've got more to offer as American than I have to offer. And I'll tell you right now, I think living Wisconsin is probably hell. So we've got a lot in common. And keep the emails coming. So do you think being an American is kind of a competition? Do you think most Americans are in competition with each other for who can be the most American?

Yeah, I mean, it's like anything. Obviously, you want your house to be nicer than your neighbor's house and you want to have better cars than your neighbor's cars. And all more jetskis. More jetskis. Different jetskis, you want jet ski options. I mean, the whole thing is about competition.

You know what I'm saying? It's like, oh, yeah, you went to dinner at Applebees. I went to dinner at Fridays, and I had twice as much food as you had at Applebees. And Fridays, everyone knows, is more expensive than Applebees. So I'm probably doing better than you are right now. Right.

You know, just like a way, you never say that out loud. You never, I mean, Amanda did, so which is weird, but you never say it out loud other than that. Now, I mean, finally, who would you say at the moment is the most American personal life American? Would you, do you have any, a name there? A Reverend Wright. Because that guy just says what's on his mind and that's what America's all about.

That's true. That's true. I mean, that is a good point. Freedom of speech and he takes full advantage of that. That's right. I mean, that's full advantage. In a way, this nation was built on dissent. He's the most American man you could possibly have.

Yeah. I mean, you know, you can't stop him. He's like a free train. You just can't stop him. He's stretching the freedom of speech to and beyond breaking books completely. Yeah. I mean, you know, you can't stop him. He's like a freight train. You just can't stop him. He's stretching the freedom of speech too. I'm beyond breaking books. Completely. Yeah.

And the things he's talking about are so American, you know. It's about how black people and white people are different. I mean, that's very American. That is quintessentially American. quintessentially American. I mean, the whole country was based on that concept. And we moved away from it over the years. And I think a lot of people are saying saying why do we move so far away from that

and here comes an american saying hey let's move back let's take a few steps back to what this country was founded on hard core racism and i think you know there's a lot to be said there you know i'm not my whole life i've been taught you know don't say you you know, black people, white people are different. And here he is, hey, black people clap like this, white people clap like this, you know? And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, way to point out those differences, I love that. I love that. I got some white friends. They'll be clapping like this.

Hey, you know what it is? Okay, I don't know what I'm doing. My head's just going the wrong way, you know? But, you know, he explains that very clearly, which I respect, you know? Yeah. And I know like a lot of white people like friends and family who have a lot of things They like to point out about black people in public and we always keep it within our homes You know, so I feel like Reverend right now, you know, he's put it out there

I'm sure a lot of other people will be coming out and saying some interesting things. He's on cook the bottle Yes, he has books. It's just swung wide open sure you know when a, in the end, the end of the end of Jones, when they opened the ark and everyone's face melts, we're like a week away from that. So Amanda, stay in Wisconsin, okay. We're nice to see if you can sound out there, right? American, as always, thank you very much for your insights into the greatest nation in the world. It was illuminating and it was intimidating. God bless this land. Bill, excuse me, I have to go hang my bathing suit on a flagpole.

Do keep your questions for the American coming in with all your other emails to thebugelatimesonline.co.uk due to the American being so eloquent this week. I'm afraid we don't have time for any of your emails. We will have a special email section next week. And hopefully the return of the Bugle blog, Family Commitments, permitting. Bugle Sports Now, and it will be an all-English Champions League final in the great British sports of football Manchester United versus Chelsea. Interestingly, John, all four European Cup quarter finalists were listed in the top eight richest clubs in the world this week. Now to those cynics who claim that club football is becoming an

uncompetitive self perpetuating plutocrat. I say this. Well, it's still 11 men against 11. Anything can happen. That's the beauty of sports. And I don't know if you could come up with a stronger argument than that. There is only one step and the left in the complete deromanticising of sports. And that is calling those clubs franchises. That's the only thing we have left before we become America. Please, let's not make that final leap. It does mean an all-English Champions League final. We are guaranteed that an English club will manage to do what Napoleon with all his money, resources and hats could never manage.

Go to Moscow and come back with a win. Take that bone apart. Smiling on the other side of your long dead face, that'll teach you to kill Admiral Nelson Tosser. Audio cryptic crossword now, and thanks for all your emails about the subjects of the audio cryptic crossword. John, which I must say are overwhelmingly

in favor of this great broadcaster institution. You can't have been getting any of my emails then. John, I don't count your emails. Anything that is remotely against the audio cryptic crossword, I just set my computer on fire and have a little cry in the corner. Anyway, this week's clue is 19 down and what a clue it is, it's six letters long and it's this. Brainbox Aristotls, smash hits, chop topping, morality or bust bestseller is in fact a mixed up pile of shite about a catcher. And the explanation of that clue is that it originates from someone getting confused between

works of ancient philosophy and the forthcoming book, Jorge Posada, the man who discovered Antarctica. And Bugle forecast now, and the forecast is if Boris Johnson does become Mayor of London, which will be the first nation that he will insults on behalf of this great city. John, who do you think he's going to have a pop out first? Tricky, I mean, everyone's going to get a taste. Don't worry about that, but who's going to be first? I'm going to go with Bolivia. Why do you think Johnson's got an infabilivia? Don't know. It's just, I think he thinks they've been skating under the radar. He'll call

them out quick. I think he might go for Armenia, John. Have they not suffered enough? Well, not in Boris Johnson's mind. Thanks very much for listening to the Bughal, do keep your emails coming into the Bughal at tonsonline.co.uk and look out for this week's new Bughal blog at some point in the next month. Hopefully this will. John Bye.

Andy Bye. Hopefully this works. John Bye and E-Bye.