The Bugle - TheBugle review of the year: 2013

Episode Date: December 29, 2013

Andy Zaltzman introduces a look back at some of the biggest headlines of the last 12 months. May include births, deaths, political misjudgements, and inappropriate behaviour at a funeral (for the 2nd consecutive year). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bueglers, I'm Andy Zoltzmann. I hope you had a wonderful and or awful Christmas

depending on whether you do and or do not believe in Santa Claus. And I hope you're about to have, or are having, or had a truly unforgettable new year. Actually scratch that. If new year is truly unforgettable, it's quite scratch that, if new year is truly unforgettable, it's quite likely that something absolutely terrible happened. Otherwise, it would just blend in with the other new year. So I hope you've had a deeply mediocre new year. No full bugle this week, but it is time for the bugle review of the year 2013.

Of course, it's a year that's been now permanently defined for history as the year that England's cricket team went to Australia and had their own guts, testicles, brains, internal organs, and assorted non-identifiable body parts hacked out, grilled in front of them on a large barbecue, and served up to them on a commemorative crocodile done to each children's dinner plate. But let's not forget that other things have also happened this year, as proved by this, the bugle highlights of Planet Earth 2013. Between 1415 and 2012, if you've been asked to write a list of one thing Popes don't

do, you'd have said, can you technically have a list of one thing? No, I didn't think so, but if you could, on that list, I would have written, be cool about condoms and resign. That's two things that proves my point. Well, in 2013, one of those ecumenical badgers was taken to a bomb and shot in the face. Big news out of the Vatican this week, Andy, well, straight away, I sent it like that, understandably, puts people on edge nowadays,

because in recent times, no good center just started with those words. But Pope Benedict, Johnny rats to his old friends back in Germany and hera singer to his spokesman beautiful language, Andy just pulled. Pope Benedict in a shock move resigned as Pope, this was a particular surprise because this is the first papal resignation for 600 years. The last pope to steppeside was Pope Gregory XII who resigned in 1415 amid a schism within the church. So he resigned because of the western schism andi.

This guy looks like he resigned because he got a bit tired. It's all a bit soft as a species, John, we're getting soft. And it's making everything a little confusing. Usually, if you see an ex-pop walking around, you know that you're looking at a ghost. And you need to get your proton pack quickly and suck that ghost pop into a storage container so you can take the ghost pop on tour all over the world. Now, after this resignation, you need to be a lot more careful because it may not be a ghost pope after all.

You may instead be blasting an old man and trying to force him to get into a little box. Life has got a lot more complicated all of a sudden. That's right, John. The pope said nope, he went pope with oak, he's taken a look at the hole he's seen it and he's thought that I cannot anymore. So he's quats as you say the first Pope to chuck in his might for almost 600 years since

Pope Greg the 12 hung up is chargeable as you said in 1415. And he cited his increasing age and decreasing physical and mental powers as a reason for quitting the ring. Rumour suggested he want to get out before anyone could clonk him on the head with a hammer to check if he's alive or not, or more pressingly before anyone could crucify him upside down, like happen to some popes I could mention St. Peter. Now a new pope is going to be elected at a papal conclave, John, before Easter you got tickets for that. Well I love a conclave, Andy. I'm certainly in there for that? Well, I love a concave Andy.

You know, I'm certainly in there for the ballad. I was hoping I might get a vote. I might really spice that thing up a bit. Man, who would you, who would you, I mean, if you were choosing the Pope John, who would you? Bayon say, but I am so handy, yeah, for me. I mean, I know that that's unlikely for a number of reasons, but that doesn't mean I'm not going Bayon say

with my first ballot anyway. Well, I think it could be time for someone from outside the Catholic Church to take home. We've had foreign football manager managing England football team. Maybe it's time for a non-Catholic Pope to try to re-energise the brand. I mean, for example, I mean the obvious candidate is the freakishly evangelistic Microsoft boss Steve Bulmer. I mean, he could give the Catholic Church, they kick up the backside, it's so desperately neat.

Someone to get out there and aggressively sell the brand. Besides Microsoft is the perfect grounding for a Pope in the beginning was the word and the word was good until they neatly pitched around with how the menus works and works and then the word became incomprehensible and deeply counterintuitive So there's some parallels with the development of religion That would be such a Borsy move Andy If they appointed someone who was not religious in any way, just an absolute CEO of marketer saying, look, we are tired of pretending that this is something and it is, we are a gigantic, immensely successful corporation. Well, and it's about time we started running ourselves as such.

The news of the resignation seemed to surprise everyone from governments, to vatting and experts, to the Pope's closest aides, who seemed to react with much more authentic surprise and they did during the recent child sex abuse allegation. Pope Benny, the 16th, has only been Pope for eight years, taking over in 2005 after John Paul II's death. He'd apparently been looking forward to a piano playing retirement before the Pope died back then and has stated that he never wanted to be Pope. And I mean, wow, you can see from that how that smooth talker aches the Pope interview

and I don't want to be Pope, you can stick your papers, you have your ass. Now, when do I start? So he's not the first Pope to have resigned after not wanting to be Pope, not many Pope's ever signed and one of the previous ones was Celeste and the fifth. Right, in the late 13th century. Now he was a hermit who would never wanted to be Pope. He then refused to take the job and ran away when he was offered... Before being coaxed into accepting it, despite saying,

no, I'm going to be shit at this job. Then did the job shit leave for five months and then pissed off for a long walk in the mountains. So... There's a bit of previous, John. In his official announcement, the Pope said, I'm leaving now so I can spend more time with my son. I mean, the son of God, Jesus, Jesus,

not my son, he's called Darren. And he also doesn't exist. I don't mean also doesn't exist. Jesus did exist, of course, until the Jews killed him. I mean the Romans. I mean mankind. We all killed him. Oh boy, this is not going as well as I hoped it would. Of course the Pope wasn't the only celebrity to quit his or her job this year. Former British Prime Minister Margaret Fatcher also gave up her job, which was being the former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

What an emotional week it has been for Britain and the 87-year-old former Prime Minister and political juggernaut Margaret Thatcher has died. And it may be very hard for people around the world to understand the kind of strange emotional rollercoaster that Britain has been on over the last seven days, as many people are forced to navigate some complicated feelings regarding how to justify feeling slightly less than sorrowful over the death of a frail, vulnerable old lady. It's been halfway between a celebration and a memorial this week. It's essentially been a celebrorial. And if you saw some of the scenes on TV

of impromptu street parties over the death of Margaret Thatge, you might understand them, we think people in Britain are a bunch of heartless f**ks. And to some extent, you'd be right. Seeing 18-year-old dancing around after the death of a woman whose time in power they never directly experienced or beat, the aftershocks of which they undoubtedly felt, is not an entirely heartwarming experience, and it's only going to get more complicated from here. The official full ceremonial funeral is going to take place on Wednesday in London at ironically high cost to the taxpayer. I final hypocrisy, high coup in a controversial career.

It's been, I think it's fair to say more than a little bit controversial because she was a woman who didn't just split opinion but slathered it with ice cream and popped a glass a cherry on top. And also, interestingly within minutes, John, of her death being announced, there was a great debate on how it should be commemorated, not just in society and Britain as a whole, but also amongst buglers, particularly through the bugle Twitter feed, with a lot of people asking whether or not she would get or demanding that she should get a f***ing eulogy. And you know, it's at a tough philosophical question to address, because, you know, you set the bar pretty high for f***ing ulygs

And we try to maintain that as a franchise, we don't just hand them out to anyone, you've got to really earn them. And you might say, settle on side bin Laden, Gaddafi and Kim Jong-il. There's no way women even as divisive as that deserves a f***ing ulyg. But you would also say, settle on side church alongside Churchill, the Duke of Wellington and Isaac Newton, she sure as f*** doesn't deserve a state funeral, which is, as you say, essentially what she's got. Funded by the taxpayers, a large percentage of whom would only be happy to contribute, if their money was being used to pay for a giant 50-metre high middle finger made of cold, we paraded ten yards behind a coffin.

Also, Parliament was recalled to pay tribute to her a few days earlier than it would otherwise. I've done, without made many difference, was she going to get any more or less dead in those intervening days. Perhaps she was apparently Tory Central Office was reportedly disappointed and surprised that as of three days after her death, there had still been no resurrection. They shoot a statement saying, we're shooting it's just been some kind of administrative hold-up according to precedent it should have happened by now, it's probably to do with paperwork, thank you Brussels. She was, as you say, an incredibly, incredibly divisive figure in this country. She polarized this nation like a celebrity chef smearing a grizzly bear in cream cheese and buying it a one-way ticket to the North Pole. And she's, she was a sort of a political madusa, that if you looked

into her policies it would simply turn you to stone. She was a domin of a political medusa, that if you looked into her policies it would simply turn you to stow. She was a dominatrix in a parliament of submissives and if you want to know the relationship between Fatcher and her party, anytime you see footage of her talking in parliament, imagine all the grey men sitting behind her wearing gimp mask. And I think that will show you exactly what Britain was like in the 90s. I guess this vehicle is going to probably be about half an hour, but really you only need to listen to that sentence to perfectly evoke what Britain is going through this week. To indicate some of the complications that are ahead of us, the Premier League did not

ask clubs to observe a minute silence at any football games this weekend, which upset a number of people. Especially that she's former sports minister Richard Tracey who said, frankly, I think it's rather cheap that they decided not to show any sort of respect for her because to be honest, she really did deliver what football is today. And exactly and he's not wrong about that. She really did deliver what football is today and And exactly Andy, he's not wrong about that. She really did deliver what football is today and unregulated commercial nightmare. Plus, let's not forget her and her government's response to the Hillsborough disaster, which guaranteed that if you ask football

fans to observe the life of Margaret Thatcher, you might get a minute of something, but it's sure a shit wouldn't be silence. In fact, there might actually be something in that handy. Maybe they should have suggested a minute noise across the country, just so you could make any primal sound that you wanted in relation to Margaret Thatcher. It might have been cathartic for the whole of Britain. Some could cry, others could cheer, many could cry at the others cheering, some could move, but all could find a way to process their feelings. I had a special simulation run, John, on what would have happened to Britain if that year had never actually existed. I went to two, because I wanted to get some balance.

I went to two different, particular organisations, the right wing, that's right, think tank, the claw hammer of practicality institutes, and the left-wing pressure group, Marxist, Mark, and the fund-bunk. And one of these, I don't know if you did more work. One of these simulations. No, no, Andy. So, without that, yeah.

Even Masterpiece Painters, Andy, need to know when to stop, and you've stopped at the right time. It was finished. Without that, sir. Apparently, Britain today would be a cultural, industrial, and ethical wasteland haunted by the post-imperial ghosts of the nation it could have been.

And the other show that without that, sir, Britain would have been a thriving financial set at Centre with highest standards of living than it ever had before, consumer choice, and unprecedented commercial freedoms and opportunities. On a card, no, that's, sorry, those are the wrong reports. Those are both just reports and what has actually happened after that. But different parts of the nation. There had been real concerns about protests during the funeral procession, but these luckily were limited to a few people shouting,

booing, and then others lining the streets only to turn their backs. And that seems to be a quintessentially English insult, Andy. Standing outside for hours in the cold and rain, only to then snub the procession with a devastating gesture of poor manners. There was also one, my favourite protest. It was just a guy standing by the roof. And similarly, he must have waited there for hours. And he just held up a placard about a foot of crotch and a foot high with the word boof. If you chuck 10 million quid and 700 soldiers and you ludicrously an appropriate

garb got one of the tasteless but understandable death parties that were going on at the same time in shattered form and mining towns in the north you'd have had something similarly serious and I think the BBC coverage of it would have been well worth watching. And a respectful silence falls across the town square now, a silence reflecting the absence of hope that descended on this place when the mines were closed down, some would argue prematurely and replaced not with new industries but with absolutely nothing. And just as of course, ladies thatcher would have wanted and did want and did and that silence now is punctuated by the distant sound of a single London city trailer snorting

cocaine off a prostitute's back. Respectful applause there both for Nigel Polk, the trader and 23-year-old Olga, both in their different ways, products of the Thatchy years. And well here comes the effigy now born on the gun carriage by six horses of the North Snutterbridge Third Rolled Regune, followed by platoon of the long term unimportant as defined by the conservative historian Charles Moore this week. And in front of them carrying the ceremonial match for lighting the effigy is 56-year-old Gavin Quiche, who's been unemployed now for 28 years. That's exactly half his life, which from the looks of him after the physical and mental health problems he suffered over the years, is

going to be about as much as he can hope to get. The crowd hung their heads in silent disrespect, spoiled home by a handful of dissenting voices, protesters rather silent this occasion, I think I can see one million air there holding up a black card saying I raked it in the 1980s, I don't know what your problem is. Much minority view on this occasion of celebrity and dignified reflection. And I think one of the pro-thatsirty protesters just threw a credit card at the horse, no one wants to see that. Approached the pyre, built from a giddling-family royal forest, and the stands sandwiching a mistake, of course, with one single piece of coal.

It's been kept on display in the nearby British Museum of Welfall industrial decline. This ceremony really is laidayed with history and meaning and, um, has to send a single tear forced out Mr. Huish's cheek, even though he actually met Mrs. Thatcher once, so, could be grief, could be joy, and yes, the effigy is now lit, and the light of law breaks out, and that really shows what this woman meant to these people and this nation. Farewell. That's beautiful, Andy. We do do pomp and service.

We do, we do, we do, we do, we do, we do this country. And the reaction to Amanda Fatcher being... Well, it was extraordinary, John. I don't know if you picked this up in the States. I'm afraid I did that. It's almost the only thing that did make it over here. 19-year-old Amanda Fatcher, new Pippermiddleton. It was, I'm just don't know how comfortable I am

with that at all, and it's borderline okay for nation to last after a 28-year-old bridesmaid at her sister's wedding. It is a significantly greater area to do the same over a 19-year-old girl mourning at her grandmother's funeral. That is really creepy, Andy. But really creepy. We're taking away most of the press that we're doing this lusting. Well, the ones who've been saying how important it was to mark this occasion

with the depth of seriousness that it deserved. And again, the reaction was all along the lines of, well, what a grace, honor, and occasion it is for a woman who represented everything great about this country, Margaret Thatcher. Of course, the greatest prime minister in the history of the world. And there's a granddaughter, a man that used... Oh, oh, I would put it in that. Oh, would you look at, do you think she'd let me call her Margaret? Oh yeah, I'm written the same, written, the same, not any of those things are the only thing at half-mas now. Actually, they are again,

oh in a heartbeat, I would in the nation would do you think she could bleach her hair and comb it upwards yeah it's all coming back it's all it's all that control yourself and coughing now passes into the cathedral yeah at the moment it's kind of you'd reflect on the greatness of its most glorious oh no single protester has a downward-fatured t-shirt on that is completely inappropriate. I don't know, Amanda. Oh, Amanda.

That's a... Yeah. It's much of the praise was clearly, they knew it was inappropriate. So they had to try and focus it around her reading, the lesson that she read. And you don't really have to read too deeply between the lines to see What was really going on? They would say that she read beautifully and

Confidently and arrestingly and athletically sumptuously and Troublingly, I know a man naughty a man. Oh, no One newspaper in the UK even described her as the star of the funeral. Do the funerals get to have stars, Andy? Is that appropriate? And if they do have stars, are they supposed to be the people in the f***ing coffee? For a lot of people, 2013 was the year of getting cranky. This was true in a lot of people, 2013 was the year of getting cranky. This was true in a lot of places, including Turkey.

A Turkish Prime Minister Erdogan is sitting on a pretty combustible kebab of a country right now. He has called these protests borderline illegal, which seems to be a way of inadvertently admitting that they are actually legal. And they're actually not on the border, they're behind the border, looking at illegal on the other side. The protest was sparked over the proposed controversial

development of a park where protesters have been congregating and it served as a lightning rod for encompassing fears that problems to Erdogan is going to be imposing a conservative Islamic system of values on Turkey, which is of course a secular country. And I'll tell you what did not calm the situation down at all Andy. And that was the tear gassing of a lady. Basically, there is a very famous lady in a red dress now, Saida Sankar, and positive, that is not how you pronounce her name.

And unassuming with aaged academic at Istanbul's Technical University. She found herself at the front line of a line of riot police. And a series of photos show her being tear gasped out of nowhere for no clear reason whatsoever. The photos instantly went viral as they seemed to call into question the claim by Erdogan that the protesters were extremists living at Arman Arm with terrorists because this was clearly a nice lady who was Arman Arm with her actual handbag. It's so hard to tell in the heat of the moment, though, John.

Well, that is the thing. Luckily, amongst all the doom and gloom, Princess Kate Middleton's magic womb splurtered out a fully qualified, nought minute old, professional, few-chicking of Britain, and everything was suddenly fine. It was like the Olympics, but with just one micro-boy that was probably chugling in its linens, whilst the world's entire media was cooing ideologically at it. On your knees planet Earth earth behold the baby king on your knees

everything the light touches is your kingdom or it was it was there's been some quite serious historical violence regarding that we still got that. We still got the MUNA! We still got the MUNA! On your knees! World! The boy is here! It finally happened, Andy. What a magical day of entirely precedented biology. Ha ha ha! Princess Kate Middleton, in a way that only she could, Andy,

gestated a child for nine months in her inimitable way, and then gave birth to it in a completely unique, pushing it through her vagina motion. Only for the queen to dive in and bite off the umbilical cord herself with her mouth as its tradition, before dangling the baby over the balcony of Buckingham Palace in the now traditional Michael Jackson style and screaming, this boy will be king over my dead body! Before Paul's again saying, seriously, that is what is going to happen! I don't like the way that baby's looking at me!

It's got murder in its eyes! The news here in America, Andy, truly disgraced itself. I can only imagine how bad it was over there. Because I think the American news media officially cares more about this baby than the queen does. That is the only way to explain the weak, long, thundering baby gasm that everyone has been subjected to over here. I think, well, I think the world's media in general seem to, I think they love the baby more

than its own doting parents do. Yeah, yeah. And I know the world has gone absolutely baby crazy. And the highlight of the coverage, though for me, was the first picture of the Royal Baby on the front cover of the Times newspaper or a classic former sister publication. And unquestionablyably it had a picture of the

little baby prince flipping its first ever visa. Did it really? Yeah, it had two fingers pointing out just above its blanket. As if to say, you paparazzi, this was for granny. That is a king. That is a king I mean, it it's unforgivable what you did. Unforgivable what you did. The baby crowned in every sense of the word on Monday afternoon and his name's George

Louis Alexander, which is a fantastic choice, Andy, because historically Britain has had such a good experience with Kings called George. What could possibly go wrong? One of the weirdest moments during the blanket coverage here was a commentator pointing out that the Queen likes to go to bed at 9 o'clock. So it would be a problem if Kate gave birth too late in the day. The commentator said, you do not want to rouse the Queen after 10.30pm. And that's true Andy. Why? Absolutely.

You'll bite your fucking face off, that's why. If that baby would be born after 10.30, I believe the plan was to push the baby back into Princess Catherine's womb until the following morning, when it could be born at, and I quote, a civilized hour. You don't rouse the queen after 10.30, and she's basically like a Gremlin. You don't rouse her queen after 10.30 and she's basically like a

Gremlin. You don't rouse her after 10.30, you don't feed her after midnight and you don't get her wet. That is why the Jubilee Flotilla was so dangerous and he once splashed on her during that, and she'd have killed and eaten everyone in a three mile radius. That's a fact! Kate Middleton within hours of giving birth was given advice by Ok magazine. Oh, that's good. Yeah, well I know this John because I bought a copy and after I was very disappointed by it, it turns out it was just a pointless celebrity chit chat, not an academic analysis of the Austrian expressionist artist Oscar Cacocca. Anyway, Ok magazine, hours after the birth, chundered its latest copy onto Britain's shelves with the front page, Kate's post-baby weight loss regime. And a magazine that devoted its entire existence to exploring never previously imagined swamps of her elephants was then bombarded with fully deserved abuse

before hastily issuing an apology in which it said, Kate is one of the great beauties of our age. We would not dream of being critical of her appearance if that was misunderstood because of our cover It was not intended and they could have added to that that said yeah big fat Tommy Blair wobbly wobbly wobbly all women should look pretend Prince Harry said that one of his key duties as an uncle was going to be to make sure that he has fun And that shouldn't be a problem for Prince Harry Andy. He's not afraid to ride the fun bus. He's not afraid to even drive the fun bus at times and drive it all the way to the Nazi costume shop. He knows what fun is Andy. With hindsight, wouldn't it have been a shame if that boy's entire planet had been blown to pieces in a massive global armageddon? Yes, but luckily, war was accidental averted by John Kerry

rambling like a senile old culture in a nursing home. Top sorry this week, the war that nearly was then wasn't, but that still might be. Syria updates! And it's been a strange week in warmongering, Andy. When we left you last week, it seemed odd on that America was going all in on attacking Syria with the Obama administration pushing its ballistic ships across the table.

But then, the President decided that he wanted congressional approval for a strike, meaning that before the US bought that plan, the White House needed to sell the shit out of it. So that's what they've been trying to do over the past week. The president essentially needed to become a war-mongering version of the Shamwau guy on late night infomercials. Hi, it's Barack here for Siri's intervention.

Damascus is a mess right now, but don't worry for a limited time offer, our patented series of airstrikes will clean that right up. All those tough to remove stains on humanity will be a thing of the past. Sarah-in-gon. Blood-gon. Religious tensions. What religious tensions? With an awful like this, you can't afford not to get involved.

Call me Congressman now. Offer available for a limited time. So a 48-hour media sales onslaught was planned. The president had six network interviews planned, plus an address to the nation on the importance of military action. He was officially adopting his role as salesman in chief. What can I do to put you in a series of surgical airstrikes today? All seemed to be moving in the desired, explosive direction, and then Secretary of State John Kerry was

asked an open-ended question in the press conference. He began opening and closing his mouth with collected sounds coming out and suddenly everything changed. A reporter asked him, is there anything at this point that the government of Syria could do or offer that would stop an attack, to which the on-message response from Kerry of course would have been, sure, they can get down on their knees and they can kiss my angry balls. But, but no, instead Andy, Kerry went with sarcasm, which is always a wise tone

to strike when it comes to delicate international diplomacy. And he said, sure, he could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the international community in the next week, turn it over, all of it without delay, and allow a full and total accounting for that, but he isn't about to do it, and it can't be done, obviously. Going on to say, I mean, sure, were he to do that, I guess these words would within hours come back to bite me and the rest of the administration in the arse, but that's not about to happen. Obviously, in fact, if he does do it, I will personally get a tattoo of Bashar Alassad's

arse on my arse. does do it, I will personally get a tattoo of Bashar Alassad's ass on my ass. That is something that I will do, but that's not gonna happen, obviously. So within milliseconds of Kerry saying these things, and it was sounding pretty cross, kind of JK, growling, kind of, acts, we're sort of on. But within milliseconds, Russia had jumped on

his sort of casual offhand mumbling and said, oh yeah, that's a good idea. We'll go and ask Siri that. Now, I said maybe many things, but he's not an idiot. Actually, he isn't, he isn't, he isn't it. But even an idiotic child knows when there's an ice cream dangling in front of its face. And the chance not to be bomb shitless by America was also keeping key ally Russia on side. Was a pretty, pretty dangly cornetto. So, Asad said, why not? And Kerry and Obama then said, uh, oh yeah, uh, okay, I suppose it turns out that asking nicely was worth a go. No, I'm not saying, John, I'm not saying that asking nicely should have necessarily been plan A, but I think it should have been somewhere between Plan A and X.

But it isn't only, they floaked it, John. It is incredible. Russia broken a deal with Syria. Seemingly partly just out of spite. It's like Russia would be watching Kerry speak and said, Did you just hear what the Kerry said? You know what would be really funny, of course, doing exactly what he just said, good and happen. You know, just to f*** with him.

Now, I'm not sure what has ever been avoided in a more childish way, I think. White House official initially said that Kerry's remarks were, and I'm quoting, I'm major goof. But then, the official position quickly became that any deal Was definitely worth exploring so Kerry essentially rift his way into a major policy shift And the next thing you know rush his broke-quitting piece with Syria He did it Andy. I can't work out if John Kerry has bad in his job good at it or so terrible

He's actually great at it. He basically blended his way to peace. If there was a Nobel Prize for peace goofing, it would be his handy. He's an accidental mother Theresa. He's a clumsy Dalai Lama. He's a slapstick candy. I was in a band called Slapps Dick Candy. All right, so I, it is absolutely extraordinary. It turns out that, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, uh, that, uh, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, uh, three, go team peace and they all lived happily ever after the end. So it's a great news, John, that the war is over. Er, or at least a bit of the war that we in Britain and America have to give a shit about. That's fine, everything else shit happens.

Yeah, the Syrian genocide very much continues, but our part of the war is over in which case peace in our time, just not in their time. Just weeks later, the world watched with baited giggles as America shut. And here America has become part Belgium, part Somalia in the last few days. The entire government has shut down, pointlessly, childishly, stupidly, and entirely avoidably, leaving the whole country slamming it head into walls and frustration while being justifiably angry themselves for expecting anything better. There is absolutely no need for this to be happening here right now Andy, but inexplicably

Congress has decided to do it anyway. And all of this is happening in protest over a barmer care. The healthcare system that was passed by the House, examined by the Supreme Court and which is now the law of the land. The House has tried to overturn it with 42 separate votes, all of which failed, and now they've shut down the government for refusing to pass a budget which includes funding for it. It is, at best, petulant, and at worst, an act of breathtaking, but depressingly precedented

f***ing wittery. So now all non-essential government workers have been furloughed, which means programs have been shut down left-right in centre and on the most immediately visual level some of America's most popular landmarks have shut down. Yellowstone Park closed. Yosemite National Park concreted it over. Jelly Stone doesn't exist, you're thinking of where

Yogi Bear lived. Statue of Liberty has a hood over ahead. Grand Canyon completely filled in. They have filled the whole thing in with sawdust, Andy, just in case anyone tried to take it a legal peak at it. Is it true that if this goes on for another week, the Statue of Liberty will have to put on a full Nickab? Yes, yes, that is absolutely. I mean, it could be true, so have to put on a full Nickab. Yes, yes that is absolutely, I mean it could be true,

so that basically makes it a fact Andy. This is of course just the tip of an extremely irritating iceberg. Thousands of workers are going without pay. People living paycheck to paycheck to all are already struggling, meals on wheels as cut back, head start has frozen, scientific research has been held up, and the lack of empathy from some conservative fundits has become mind blowing. Many have been on TV this week claiming that the effects of the shutdown are not that bad, essentially arguing

well how can it be painful if I personally don't feel anything? And know what I'm personally acquainted with also feels anything. Look, if I couldn't do my job as a bloviating talking head for a while, I'd simply fall back on the royalties from my books or do a few more after dinner speeches. Why can't everyone else do that? Because they're afraid of hard work. That's why. And please don't bother me with some stories. Oh boohoo!

Museums and National Parks are closed. Well, I don't go to those anyway, which proves that we don't need them. Oh boohoo, museums and national parks are closed. Well I don't go to those anyway, which proves that we don't need them. Oh boohoo, so a few zoo workers get furloughed. I am not personally a panda, so why should I care? I've heard also that the entire 5,500 mile long border with Canada is now patrolled by one man. Yes, when that has to, I mean America is basically on the brink of collapse. He's got a peribonoculars Andy, you'll be fine. So the United States of America is shit. Sorry, shut. What is the past tense? Shut, shut, shut, shut it, shut, shut it, shut it, shut. And the world's self-starred

number one nation has essentially voluntarily applied for official global laughing stock status with an internal budget spout. The despatient may the ancient Greeks sit up naked in their graves and admit, well, democracy was a nice idea, but frankly in practice, it is total shit. And I guess it just goes to show, John,

the ancient saying that you can't spell Tea Party Republican without f***ing lunatic. It's a pretty bold move from Congress to do something that pisses almost everyone off on this kind of scale for no kind of rational reason. But again, that's hardly surprising. There is no incentive for them to be anything other than awful. Just look at the numbers. Congress currently has a 10% approval rating. Apparently, that is lower than the approval rating for colonoscopies, which actually makes sense because the boy you think about it, both Congress and colonoscopies deal with arseholes, but the American public can at least acknowledge that colonoscopies serve a practical function. Also, colonoscopies

exist to make arseholes better. Congress just seems to make them worse. And yet, Andy. And yet, even with this mere 10% approval rating, members of Congress also have a 90% re-election rate. How is that f***ing possible, Andy? And there's somehow batting 900 whilst striking out every time they're at bat. That doesn't obey the basic laws of mathematics. So I guess the question is, John, will common sense prevail? And the answer is obviously no. It's constitutionally not really supposed to. Currently, the American legislature is working

about as harmoniously as a bunch of T-rexers and a bunch of stegasauruses arguing over who gets first bite of the nice juicy asteroid that appears to be heading their way for dinner. And all that basically comes down to the eternal Dick Jousting contest that is healthcare in America. And there are some extremely pre-apic political prongs being sharpened as we speak. And the Republicans are trying to force various compromises to stall a barmer can, including the latest one I read about this morning, John, the right for anyone earning over $300,000 a year to shoot a poor person once a year to compensate for more of them having access to basic life-saving treatments. So maybe

that is the one ray of hope, maybe that will be the compromise that works. So if this is not solved, how is it all going to pan out? Well, we've run this through the Bugles of Predictorax 3000 Future Simulator and well, it doesn't look good for the celebrity nation of 300 plus million and one time World Cup for football semi-finalist. Within a week, UN peacekeepers will have been deployed to the capital, there will be air drops of emergency food and some basic common sense. As you say, national parks have been closed, the Grand Canyon. Well, first filled with sawdust and then there will be a giant infestation of guinea pigs

that will have to be done. The penta are going to run out of money by next Wednesday, leaving the US vulnerable to a pints are attacked by the new Canadian and Mexican alliance. The government are hardly supplying extra pits fors to farmers to defend their lands. The disbanded US military will be sold piece by piece to the highest bidder, so expect some high-profile transfers of forced-argeneral to the Chinese army or the Congolese rebels, apart from the Air Force, which is going to be made into a major league baseball franchise, the Washington Wing Wagglers.

Mount Rushmore, and this really gets the heart of a John, Mount Rushmore under threat, with suggestions that to Abraham Lincoln's eyebrows are going to be raised. Oh no. George Washington given a disapproving scowl. TJ Jefferson's mouth altered to make you look like he's about to say the second F in for fuck's sake. And Teddy Roosevelt will be replaced with Lindsey Lohans seductively leading of banana. It is that serious, John. And also Washington National Zoo will become the day facto seat of government with a barely discernible difference, but a significant cost saving. And that was about it for the year.

A few other things happen too, but that's all you're getting. We'll be back in 2014 with more bugle starting next week with bugle 255. Don't forget to check our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Stay strong, keep in school, and don't watch the cricket. It's getting close to a human rights abuse.

Lots of love from Andy's Oldsmann, P.P. John Oliver, Andy's Oldsmann, Andy's Oldsmann, P.P. producer Chris, and everyone else at the bugle. Um, yes, I guess those last words were wasted, which is something that of course we never do on this podcast. Until next year, bye-bye. Thank you.