The Bugle - US Election nearly over!

Episode Date: October 27, 2008

The 50th ever Bugle podcast, from 2008. Written and presented by Andy Zaltzman and John OliverThis is a classic episode from The Bugle, to support us, and to keep the Bugle alive and free of ads, please visit http://thebuglepodcast.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Buglers, hello Andy, happy 50th, Andy. I'll see you mate, answer you, it's just this always a bit of a milestone isn't it you just worry about the future You just seeing some of your friends already go by the way side and he just wonder who's next when it comes to podcast It's on towards the inevitable chasm of death I've found out something this week though. I need a vote my heart swell with joy and you can be damn sure that Let me let me let me guess what I'm seeing this week. you groomed by Bob Hope no no no all right this did you hang on hang on yeah did you play tennis with Pete San Press yeah but that's not the story okay that's not the story about to tell you this was to do with a long-awaited new

Guns of Roses album all right rumored to be the most expensive album of all time which our gatherer is finally gonna to be released next month after I've redecade in production. Now, it's not that I'm particularly a big G&R fan, and although I like Switch older miners much as the next man, if the next man likes it a bit. It's this detail, they hired a new guitarist called Buckethead for this. Cool Buckethead Andy, because, and this is true, he likes to wear a KFC bucket on his head while playing in the studio. But he quits and only came back when the label caved into his demands that he'd be more comfortable playing inside a chicken coop.

So the record company built an entire chicken coop for him inside the studio out of wood planks and chicken wire. That is proper rock star behind you, Andy. I don't want my rock stars wittering on about to bet and writing fair trade slogans on the back of their hand. I want the building chicken coop since studio. So here's the week beginning Monday, there's 27th of October. So John, are you going on the subway in New York on Monday? Do you think?

Yeah, why? Well, have you bought it a present? No, why? Ungrateful little shit, John. 104 years old on Monday, the New York subway. Oh shit, yeah, I remembered. I remembered. Did you do?

Weedling on Tuesday. Going to work. Really? Are you sure? Yeah. You're not charging a special pedalogue whizzing out across New York, cardboard, the big bunch of flowers, box of chops, and a big bunch of flowers, box of chops,

and a big card, somebody, everyone in the democratic world. Because on Tuesday, it is the Statue of Liberty's 120 Seconds birthday. I remember. I remember. She was dedicated on the 28th of October, 1886, Big Libby, the 204-tonk, a couple of bottom babe. So, what would you get, John? If you're going to buy the Statue of Liberty of Birthday present, it's always difficult with a lady, isn't it?

Tricky. I guess something nice to wear. I mean she must be getting bored of dressing up in that same old robe every day. Maybe a always a risk. Always a risk, though, and they always always a risk. Sleek, libel, rock. Make a feel she's a stiller, sexier, as ever. I'm probably getting a new album from Ludacris, I'm not using it. Lucifer. Lucifer. If any of you are planning on buying any clothing for the Statue of Liberty, a vital statistics are 1,812, 1,456, 1,841 hot, very proportionally she's got it. If only she didn't wear that figure concealing cloak. But anyway, I guess you know maybe instead of that you get a giant talent dressing gown with the winter or perhaps some toiletries, women love that, John.

Don't take it from me. Take it from a multi-billion dollar industry. So I guess we're going to get something for the sexual liberty. You would get us maybe some new copper polish and as always some sections of the people are going straight in the bin. This week the alternative medicine section is headed for the trash can. We put to the test all the latest alternative medicine claims including can putting foxes blood in your milkshake, kill you with typhoid. I don't know, but I can confirm that it doesn't give you typhoid. Also we'll sleep in a bed of porcupine claws and banana dacquery, make you late for work. Or will it make you more confident with the opposite sex?

We tell you which one. Does sucking snails out of their shells once an hour really enable you to headbutt brick walls without getting hurt? Well no. But if you just snuck sucked ails out of their shells once and how are really unable to headbutt brick walls without getting hurt? Well, no, but if you just snuck a snail out of a shell when you do then headbutt a brick wall It does make your behavior seem less out of character Also how to tell if when you catch your child sticking pins in a butterfly He or she is showing an early interest in acupuncture lipidoptery murder or the occult and the clue is the look in their eyes And also a free homeopathic joke. This joke has been diluted six times from its original form, but the essence of the quip should still remain. Here it is. Of course some people claim they get it, most people think it's absolute rubbish. In

case you're interested, here is the original joke. My great uncle died while trying to put the ancient Chinese board game he'd just bought and have been saving up for years on a set of scales. Still, it's the go he would have wanted to wait. I think I prefer the distilled version. Top story this week and yet again, yes you've guessed it, it's the US election. And watching the news, it is easy to think that nothing else is happening on the planet at the moment than America's world record attempt at the longest ever piece of democracy. And Guinness have better make space in their record books because I think the USA are going

to be number one yet again with this 0708-09 efforts. The campaign for what looks like one of the least attractive jobs on offer currently anywhere in the known universe is coming towards an end. Just two short weeks it'll be over pending any recounts or Supreme Court intervention over voter fraud. Like Jesus, this campaign just won't die. Yeah, the excitement does seem to fizzle out of it. John, but I think that's the beauty of the American system because in America You can't get in on a surge of euphoria

People are already bored of you and skeptical about you by the time you take office It's not like in Britain where in 1997 Three before the election no one even knew who Tony Blair was he came out of nowhere All of a sudden 21 days of feverish campaigning later who's been carried through the streets like Jesus on his magic donkey And that's that's why we got so disappointed with him in the end 21 days of feverish campaigning later who's been carried through the streets like Jesus on his magic donkey and That's that's why we got so disappointed with him in the end I don't think that I don't think that donkey was magic and I think that was a regular donkey. No, just magic Jesus No, well, that's the thing John. It was a magic donkey as well But it's a mark of the guys class that you didn't use the donkey's magic in an exploit the donkey

He's not on a side, but was a nice fellow, any unimagined donkey. Went solo after Jesus bit the big one, of course, the donkey. He's one of the biggest selling life magic acts in the 1st century Palestine, John. But the Bible doesn't recall that to it, aren't they? Well, the Bible is very selective isn't it? It can't report everything that happens. I don't report Jesus had wheat of it for his breakfast. Yeah, there's highlights. So what have the two campaigns been up to this week? Well, you know, last week we mentioned that Joe Biden had been happily gaffing away to his heart content on the trial and had struggled to get much traction in the media with them. But Joe the Gaffer still had a secret weapon in his arsenal, the lesser spotted

turbo gaffer. On the trial this week he claimed that Obama would be tested by an international crisis in the first six months as president and would need people to stand by him. He said and I quote, mark my words, it will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We're about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America. Remember, I said it standing here. If you don't remember anything else I said. Watch, we're gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the metal of this guy. Nice work, Joe. He had clearly seen the polls creeping up in a farmers' favour and he decided to do something to keep the race interesting.

Keep it coaxed. Because I tell you why Andy, he's a democracy fan first, a Democrat second. Oh, that's the way it should be, John. He wanted to go the distance and give people value for their inexcusably large amount of money. We look at those words out of context, John. They are basically the words of an evil mastermind. And you know, Biden doesn't really look like an evil mastermind, but it does seem to be threatening the world with some kind of massive catastrophe. But often, you know, appearances can be deceptive. That's often the way, in reality, with evil masterminds, the films do tend to give a very misleading

picture of how evil those evil masterminds, the films do tend to give a very misleading picture of how evil these evil masterminds look and that's in fact what at least the public vulnerable to people like Joe Biden. I think that probably he should be exterminated before the election just to be on the safe side. Man, that is extreme. He certainly ticked every box of the Republican playbook, frightening people of Adabama's lack of experience, and even ticking the elitist box when he said, the next president is gonna be left with the most significant task. It's like cleaning the EG and Stables man.

The EG and Stables man, that sounds worse than elitist. That sounds like an elitist hippie. And after speaking for 15 minutes, he then looked at the back of the room and said, oh, I probably shouldn't have said all this because it just dawned on me that the press is here. What a dawning that must be Andy, a sunrise of looming disaster. Right, it does seem, John, that's both Vice Presidential Candidates are essentially campaigning for the other side, doing everything they possibly can to get their opponents elected.

And they seem to have, both of them seem to have a bit of a communication problem, it seems, and not just between themselves and the rest of the world, but between their brains and their mouths. And I do hope that is the truth, and that it is not, these words are not coming out as they intend them to, because that I think would be even more worrying. So that really would be terrifying. There's a couple of other Biden gaffes he might not have heard about over recent years when he met Prince Charles last year He asked the prince which wife was the one that he didn't actually like When he was speaking at the opening of a kindergarten in Vermont he finished his speech by shouting You little bastards. This place is dumb when your parents are all dicks. I'm out of here

Over me and also when giving a prize at the Wisconsin unorthodox Jewish gymnastics competition He dressed as a Pharaoh and told them, you're still my slaves. But obviously the press weren't there on those occasions, so he got away with it. Ben and you, so the Democrats, came with Colin Powell's endorsements of Obama last weekend. A general Powell, a Republican, was of course Secretary of State for George W. Bush, and this development seemed to put another nail into the coffin of the McCain campaign. A coffin, which already seems to have far more nails in it than it actually needs. In fact, it's starting to look more nails than coffin at the moment.

So what McCain needed was an even higher profile endorsement, and there was good news and bad news on that count. The good news was he got one, the bad news was it was from Al Qaeda. A militant website connected to everyone's least favourite independent filmmakers said that if Al Qaeda wanted to continue to exhaust American militarily, and I go, and I quote, this requires the presence of an impretuous American leader, such as McCain, who pledged to continue the war till the last American soldier. Then Al Qaeda will have to support McCain in the coming elections so that he continues

the failing march of his predecessor Bush. Then a man popped up in the corner and said, on Bid Laden, and I approve this message. This is the most apparent he gave from a password-protected Al Qaeda website that the US government accesses to check the pulse of the G-Hadis community. I'm guessing that pulse is pretty quick. They're a high blood pressure group and yeah, I suppose that's not the most likely thing that's going to kill them. Interesting. Even more dangerous than high blood pressure is the risk of you being enough of a lunatic to blow yourself up. That's really bad for you. Doctors are almost entirely against that. Pain in I see it's got been have been criticized once again, partly for her,

clothes expenditure. And we have a saying over here, John, I don't know if you can remember, back to when he lived in Britain, you can't polish a turd. And it appears by dressing Pailin in these expensive clothes, they are essentially trying to disprove that. And what they have proved is that although you can't polish the turd, you can't essentially put a special kind of resin coating on the third and then paint it in pretty colors.

It's pretty expensive polish. And she has continued to surprise a country which didn't think it could be surprised by her anymore. And this time she did in mind, applying that large sectors of America are on American. She said, we believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit. And in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hardworking, very patriotic, pro-America areas of this great nation. And that seems like an electoral cyanide pill, but is it? Because if you take enough electoral cyanide pills, surely it's possible to become immune to cyanide. And that's certainly what the McCain campaign

is hoping for at the moment anyway. That's their key campaign strategy. Well, I guess you do, I guess become immune to cyanide. I've taken the first lot and died, just becomes decreesingly effective. I mean, I think pain has been a harsh equitnocised for this, John, because clearly, there are bits that are pro-America and bits that are even more pro-America.

That's essential, which is things like fish fingers. Everyone loves fish fingers. That is a given, that's been scientifically proven. But some people love fish fingers more than others. And just because my friend's scrutin, Horosky, doesn't eat fish fingers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner like I do, and doesn't wear protective norm-installed chain-mail taboid made of fish fingers, just for emergencies, doesn't mean he's not pro-fish finger. So I guess that's what most petty political squabbles like this both sides are wrong.

But I understand that issue. Right. So much better now, Andy. Glad to be of service, mate. Perhaps the most exciting election use this week here was the key development that Orange County in California has pioneered the first drive-through voting booth. They said it couldn't be done Andy, they said it shouldn't be done. Really, America, is it too much to ask just to get out of your car once every four years? It's a lot of danger though with it, it's got a lot of enough being to the old drive-through John and you know there is the risk that you don't get exactly what you ordered. And if you go to the first window, you say, right, I want,

I'm going to vote Democrat, please. And you get to your second window, you found out you voted Republican. And by that time, there's a car behind you, honking its horn, saying, get out of the way. That's right. No place to exchange it. I'm sorry, we're out of Democrat votes.

Yeah. We've got Republicans left. Oh, sure. I'll take one of those. I just want to vote to be honest. And now for the second of our two weekly profiles of the presidential candidates, this week, Barack Hussein Obama, bin Laden. Barack Obama is perhaps most famous for his much publicized, if fictitious terrorist links to terrorist

organizations. His promises of terrorists were spotted early. He in fact won a junior terrorist talent competition in his Islamic fundamentalist school in Hawaii. And after joining Al Qaeda, aged 12 on a youth contract, a barmer was sent out on loan to other terrorist groups around the world to gain experience. These included the Tamil Tigers, or as they were known then the Baltimore Tigers, before the franchise was bought up by Sriankan Tycoon, or so the Shining Path Group in Peru, who fought a bitter campaign in favor of ground level street lighting, also the Bada Mijnhoff group,

for whom we played the bass guitar, and of course also the IRA, a bomber played for both the real IRA and Athletico IRA, as a joke for our Spanish football fans. A bomber left Alcoydon when he decided to go into American politics, citing, quote, differences of opinion with Al Qaeda General Manager of Islam have been

laden about the direction the group was going in. Obama was in favor of democracy, opportunity for all, and the freedoms and rights of man, whereas bin Laden was immovable almost fundamentalist in his death to the West mantra, and generally supported acts of mass public violence compared to Obama's more conciliatory ideas of electoral politics and two-way global dialogue. Also, Obama developed the advertising slogan responsible for Hawaii becoming a prominent tourist organisation, and his slogan was, Hawaii, Hawaii Notti. He's so good with words. He could with words, that's where it all started. He's also worked, John in America as a community

organizer, which sounds a bit like a communist organizer. Stalin was a communist, in off-set. Ever since then, he's left no stone unheard in his efforts to break into the presidential greenhouse. He's done the lot, writing books, doing stuff, being a senator, all that kind of shit. And for those of you who say he's still too an experience to take the key to Air Force One, what I say to you is, shove it big nuts. British news now and I'm sorry this is a bit of an emotional moment. I don't know how to break this to you John but we're going into a recession. What? It's true. I can't believe it. Britain is getting smaller. John economically, psychologically and physically, we're shriveling up like a prune,

a once juicy prune, although we'll probably get better again in a year or so. But still, recession, imagine John, if the bugle was to go into a recession, I mean, it hasn't happened yet, every single issue of the bugle has been funnier than the last one, an average humor inflation rate of 5.2%, which means that this addition of the bugle is in fact 11.9 times funnier than Bugle number one. That's an amazing stat. Yeah, but that sounds like unsustainable growth. We're set for a real breakdown there. It's all based on borrowing.

So, licking other people's jokes. It's going to come tumbling down. And all I can do is juggle two oranges. So also the pound is at a five year low. And what's the point in living if it currencies low John? What's the point? Well, it just shows and the bugle has now been on for so long that you used to enjoy your pound dollar joke so much, isn't it? Who's laughing now Andy? Neither of us! So what exactly happens in a recession? Well, no one knows but I can tell you

for our British listeners it's worse than a disappointing club sandwich but it's not as bad as a nuclear war so I guess we're just gonna have to learn to live with it. Well this is time for our fabled stiff upper lip Andy but we seem to lose that after Princess Diana died so now we've just got to distract ourselves instead and how do you suggest we do that? Well, sports as well. Obviously he's good. And he's the tithizing power of sports. Either that or just looking at shiny things.

Oh, also, there's some British guys trying to break the land speed record. They're trying to do a thousand miles an hour in a car. Perfect. I mean, that's pointless, but I mean, that is a really good thing to do at this time for the world. Exactly. If Princess Diana was alive now, she'd be doing that. I think that possibly a really good thing to do at this time for the world. Exactly, if Princess Diana was alive now she'd be doing that.

I think that possibly was the initial problem, John. Hahaha. Too soon. Now it's time for the section which could not be more relevant than it is right now. You know him, you tolerate him. In a world view you are dominated by him. He bleeds red, white, and blue, mostly red, but he insists the white and blue is there. Please welcome the American!

Hey, is this saying on here you, SA, Mike Check, you, SA, check one, two, USA, number one. You got that, yeah. Number one. That's right. That's a lovely little effort. You say, number one, just making sure that Mike's working. Isn't there a room that that is gonna be the new name of this country, it's gonna be renamed USA, brackets number one. I mean, it's implied, but yeah, we might as well stick it on there. Before China, Nicky. Yeah, China, please.

Well, how are you doing? How are you doing, American? I'm feeling fantastic. 100% fantastic. It's quite a democratic show you're putting on for the world here. Yeah I mean you know it just proves the democracy still is the greatest greatest greatest political system in the universe. Are you sure it doesn't prove the opposite of that? No it's the greatest.

It's definitely the greatest. So as free market capitalism, boom. Take a care of business. Yeah you say that but you know really you seem thought you've taken the world to the brink of economic meltdown since we last spoke to you. Look just because the world's on our bandwagon is not my problems. You know what I'm saying? Just because everyone follows everything we do. Oh look America's economy's in trouble. Hey let's do that too that sounds fun. You know we get it world all right But obviously there's been a few controversial comments from Sarah Pyl in this week about the real America

and pro-American areas, how have you reacted to that? As an American? The truth is, you know, I'm a little offended because I came up with that theory like a year and a half ago. And now they're stealing my talking points without giving me any credit. Oh, so you're not actually refuting the stipend

You're not planning on the issue. Here's is a real American and there's a BS America Where's the what is the real America? It's where the real people are You know where all the that sounds meaningless. Well, that's because you don't understand true meaning and I'll explain this to Various very simple fact you got these, you got these like, you know, city elites, you got these elite city people. They go, they want a cup of coffee, right? So where do they go? They go to a place like Starbucks. It's like $2 for a cup of Joe, right?

So, but then you got real Americans. They go to a place like Dunkin' Donuts. It's like $189. So, you know, they're saving over $0.11, fiscally more responsible, and they understand what real America is, you know, they're saving over 11 cents, fiscally more responsible, and they understand what real America is, you know. They're not drinking wine like days on their way to yoga practice or whatever you're doing now.

No one's doing that. I don't know about that. So, I used to think that the difference between the real American and fake America is 11 cents. It's a mathematical difference. Well, it's just understanding that wherever, you know, French coffee, there's servant at Starbucks,

shouldn't pass through your American lips, you know? But in a place like Dunkin' Donuts, that's a real deal, that's small town America. That's a real mom and pop kind of place. No, no, it isn't. It's the opposite of that. I disagree. It's in Dunkin' Donuts or in small towns across America. Therefore, they're a small town American shop

So how pro-American are you American? I mean how where do you fill this therapy in scale of pro-American this? You can she she loves this country. Oh the most people. Well, that's the thing is it's like you got to realize it's like everyone goes Oh, the president's got to be smart and understand the world and you know, maybe speaking other language, but that's garbage What we need is the whole point is is you know we the people and I want someone like me You know what I'm saying? Yeah, maybe she didn't finish high school You know or you know, maybe she can't do math, but like those things Are at relevant in leadership leadership is about saying stuff like go America and you know waving flags and stuff and like maybe wearing like a pin. Have you noticed how small Barack Obama's

flag pin is? I can barely, I have a 75 inch television and I can barely see this guy's flag pin. Sarah Palin comes on my TV and HD and boom I feel like I'm living inside a diamond encrusted flagpin That says America to me in a different way I don't even need to hear what she said I put it on mute and I'm saying that lady cares more Do you think the presidency really should just be a contest for who loves America the most the most pro-american? It's all it's ever been right. It's all it's ever been and somehow along the way people got confused I'm going oh we need people to understand the broader good the greater

thing you know and i don't agree with that i don't agree with that at all i think that you got to look at it like this the world no matter what is going to do what we do look we just brought this up the economy our stock market doesn't do well china all we don't want our stock market to do well either we want to do it the americans so it doesn't matter who's driving the bus they just have to care the most about America the other countries are just gonna do what we do anyway in which

guys are you thinking about running for office maybe you love this country yeah but I got I got some photographs out there I don't think you know what I'm saying right you know what I'm saying I look I don't I've done some things I don't want to know what you're saying me either yeah just. I don't want to know what you're saying. Me either. Yeah, just kidding. I don't know what you're saying. Tina, I'm just kidding, Tina. We had an email from a bugler who wanted to point something out to the American. Do you have it there?

Oh, yeah. In fact, from Skeeter Vance, who on the subject of the origins of baseball, he's suggesting that baseball, the supposed cornerstone of American culture, was in fact a British invention from the year 1755. And he refers to an article in No Less A Source than Sports Illustrated. And apparently there's a diary entry from 1755 from a man called William Bray after dinner went to Miss Geals to play baseball with her. That's 1755. He's playing baseball with a lady.

What do you make of that? That's got to be wrong on so many levels. Well, I'm going to tell you right now, I listen everything you said, and there's one fact in there that you guys missed and overlooked that it absolutely proves the story to be false, is that this guy had a diary. I mean, what kind of man has a diary? So obviously any man who's man enough to play in American sport like baseball

is not gonna keep a diary, which means sports illustrated was wrong. I doubt, I mean, I read one issue a year, swimsuit issue, because that's the only one that matters. But I would say that it's false and that's skied of van Buren, or whatever that guy's name is, should do one of two things, either learn to play cricket or move to America.

Whoa. Whoa. So, so you refute the allegation that Britain invented your national past 100%. Now, we've gone through this before. The greatest things in the world have been invented in America. No, no. Baseball, food, cars, airplanes, boats,

not truck. No, you didn't invent boats. Yes, we did. You were invented by boats. We have been through this before. I don't want to have this argument. You invented wood boats, we invented speed boats. Speed boats are real boats, wood boats are like from museums.

You may have invented the concept of buoyancy, but we've perfected it. So how do you invent food? What did people live on before? Whatever was out there. I mean, we processed it and we figured out how to make it last longer and you know and and have flavor So it wasn't food before it became process. Yeah, like what's cheese? It's just mold but what's craft cheese? Delicious I mean in other words cheese doesn't come in individual slices wrapped in plastic. We invented that right I'll say and that's how you think it's best served.

Yeah, conveniently. Yeah. How am I supposed to eat cheese in my car if I can't do one at a time? You're not supposed to eat cheese in your car. I'll just, I'll just beat that. It's called living life the way I want to live at America style.

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I American we heard a lot about Joe the Plumber this week. I mean how do you fit you feel this is a media construct that he's kind of a fake this is the best way I can explain real America look clearly we're heading towards an apocalypse okay that's clear at this point now after this apocalypse goes down there's gonna be what we call a post-apocalyptic world now of course things like the male will still be delivered because we've seen that Kevin Costa movie. That's the most important thing to people. And the apocalypse is on to the male base.

Do you want to cost the film? Well, I would, I would. And I made it, come on, the guys made four baseball movies. You think he knows the thing or two about America. And but I'll tell you right now, when you're in this post-apocalyptic hell, you're not gonna want some wine latte guy helping you out. You're going to want a guy like Joe the Plumber.

You want a guy who can build a shanty town. You want a guy who can start an engine on a car that we invented. You want a guy who can unclog a toilet if we do have plumbing at the time. Those are the types of people you want around, real Americans. I don't want some guy who's going gonna be crunching numbers because numbers are irrelevant What's relevant is shooting a bone hour when it was squirrel's heads? Why can't I have dinner and that's why Sarah Palin is the right choice at this current moment? So I mean you're gonna be voting for Pyleon are you if I could write in Palin?

I would but yeah, you know, I mean I just think we have to look at the reality of America Like I said if we're gonna be living like vagabonds We need someone who knows how to feel dress of moose Like I said, if we're going to be living like vagabonds We need someone who knows how to feel dress of moose and who do you think is actually going to win But McCain pain right 100% hold he's down but he when he's down in the polls Yeah, this is a joke by America on the rest of the world. Well, I mean look. I'll put it to this way right? I'm no no stroke. Damace, but I'll tell you right now You go to an elementary school and you look at the wall of presidents from the first one till right now.

What do they all look like? John McCain. If you watch baseball, and they say this guy, every time he's up in the third inning, strikes out. What normally happens? He strikes out. It's called statistics. So statistics are never wrong

and statistically speaking john became will be the next president of the United States you heard it here second uh... are you registered to vote american not yet right and in the middle of the most american well you don't have to vote you know i mean you just have to have an opinion that's you know because you figure there's enough people out there voting on a half to go do it right but you just have to have a firm opinion. Yeah, and go to a drive-through on election day any drive-through go to a drive-through absolutely

Very queen something home twice when I came they got a strawberry cheesequake I don't know what they did they put cheese in like the earth and it quaked it up. I don't know how they did this But it's delicious like I said we invented food I'll put it this way. There's no to land in the queen and get a cheese quake. I'm afraid that is true. So enjoy a cup of drip, your highness. Well, American, thank you very much for joining us. It's always a pleasure to see you guys.

Helping me understand, and perhaps even more frightened by the world than all else before we began No, nothing to be scared of. America will always overcome. Okay, that's... America will always be waving. And you know why? Because we have one on the moon. Yeah. And no one's going to mess with that one. Except maybe India, but we'll talk about that next time. American, thanks very much. Your emails now, and thank you to all of you who have written in asking for Ringo Stars signature to be typed out and sent to you. We would love to have been able to do that,

but Tom, I'll produce a couldn't find a way of sending those emails without revealing his personal email address. It's pretty high tech operation to view. He doesn't care enough. He doesn't care enough. So, but he wishes you love him peace. Anyway, saying no more requests for Ringo Star. I think this is where we will not send them out. What he will do is give you a Ringo Star audio autograph. The best wishes. I don't know. Just wish he'd make more of an effort with his actual money actually signs it. That could be anyone. He has to say thousands of day on it. It's just the quickest way to do it.

This email coming from Lewis Peters and he wrote, Hello Andy and John, I'd like to notify you that following your wish to sign objects as Bringo Star, I've sent my 150 foot obelisk through the post to be signed. I'd like to warn you though that I did send it via registered mail. So in the next few weeks, you may want to listen out for the sound of a Royal Mailvan hauling several tons of Obeliskity goodness to your door. New word, well done. So I'm afraid that's all we've got time for this week and this special additional of the bugle with the Americans return. So we will do more of your emails next week to

keep them flooding into the bugle at timesonline.co.uk and do keep checking the websites at TimesOnline.co.uk. Slash the bugle, including links to the weekly bugle column from the Prince Edition. This week, with a very entertaining story about the Chagos Islanders who Britain evicted from their homes in the 1960s and also set up an American Air Force base and now won't let them home. Great piece of British imperialism. Sport now and the baseball world series is underway. Fantastic spectacle of sport and you can't argue with it. You get to watch it on Channel 5 of course with Johnny Gould in his Tuts. Here are. Which is lovely. Britain of the Year for me every every year every year it's a highlight he's a he's an outstanding sports broadcaster

during the game I don't know if you know I think you probably missed Johnny gold on Channel 5 more than you miss your family steady on let's just say I'm missing during game one there was an offer from Taco Bell I don't know if this made it to the British feed. We're Taco Bell said, if anyone stole a base, everyone in America would get a free taco. That is, Taco Bell, purveyor of reprehensible foodstuffs. What an offer that is. Now of course, the interest there was as one, America was therefore willing both sides

not to steal a base. And so I've been technically technically, I'm in America, so I'm older, free taco. Right. Who stole the base? There were loads of stolen bases, but it's only one free taco though. Oh, I see, you don't get one per base.

But I will try and go and claim that. But what happened on this week and tell you? If someone had been caught stealing, and would you then have had to go to Taco Bell and give them a taco that you'd made at home? I believe that was a deal. It was like a gamble because it's only fair. It's only fair. It was a Taco Bell gambling with America saying if they steal we'll give you a free taco. If no one steals or they steal, and successfully you owe us a free taco.

Either way it's good for the Taco economy. That's the thing. It's all about getting the market moving again. Google forecast now and well John with just a few days we can a bit to go before the election. Do you think there will be an asteroid strike before the election or not? Well Andy's half made to predict that I'm not God. I can't make that up. I'm not sure enough. Painfully obvious. I don't think it's as obvious as you claim.

Andy at all. I thought, what a horrible thing to say. I think the chances of an asteroid hitting Earth before the election must be what, like, seven or eight to one. So very unlikely. No, if you were a professional gambler, I think you'd go for it. Yeah, they're pretty decent odds. So, hopefully we'll be back next week

and the planet won't have been destroyed. But that brings us to the end of this 50th episode of the Bugle. So that's a half century of episodes and a marvelous half century from the young podcast. The Bugle now raising its back to the crowd and they're proud that not too ostentatious-wise the signal reaching 50 episodes. No running around jumping up and down, punching the air, waving the back around like a cimitar, kissing the badge on our helmet and needing down to kiss the pitch.

We'll save that for issue 100, but now we'll just acknowledge the applause, refocus, buckle down and try not to play any silly shots for the next three episodes and get a decommissioned. Sorry am I losing you American listeners. Well if you paid attention when we were teaching you the world's greatest f**k sport, as I've heard that, the world's greatest f**k thing, then you'd be fine and you'd have understood that bit, idiots. So not only were you halfway to a hundred podcasts, but more importantly, we're 96% of the weight of 52 podcasts. 52, of course, being the number of test matches played by Donald Bradman. Oh, stop it.

The Great Astray. And also 2.6 on the way to 1,889 podcasts, at which point we would have done enough bugles to have one for every match of test cricket that has ever been played up till today. Of course, episode 1,089 won't happen for another 38 years at current rate of recording, while which one more test matches will have been played at current rate around 1,500 more test matches. But this is good news, John. We're recording more bugles.

We're recording more bugles. We're recording news, John. We're recording more fun videos. We're recording more fun videos. Have a great test match. So I see the rate of production with both of you. So we're going to go to the gradual conversion. So let's go. ...today, a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha