The Bugle - Wall Nuts – Bugle 4093

Episode Date: January 12, 2019

Andy and Anuvab Pal discuss Trump's 'wall', Theresa May's 'deal' and the true heritage of James Bond. Plus, some old smoking adverts make it In The Bin.And – Producer Chris news.With...@HelloBuglersAnuvab Pal@ProducerChrisMore episodes and info on our website: http://thebuglepodcast.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard reader. I'm done stretching out my range of accents here. I've still got two more to do. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to a shoe 4,093 of the Bugle, the world's last remaining

reliable source of 110% mathematically unarguable fact. Every single moment of the show, very fireably truthful. I am Christopher Marlow, that didn't last long. I usually at least get in with my name without life, or do I? I am Andy Zoltzmann, although my birth name was actually Dionysus, God of Wine. And I'm here in London, Europe's squabliest city of 2019 so far, can we hang on and qualify to be Europe's entry in the world's squabliest city competition against the likes of without wishing to preempt things too much over the next 11.5 months, Jerusalem and Washington D.C.

If you listen carefully, you can hear the echoing echo of Prime Minister Theresa May waking up in the middle of the night in Tendowning Street shouting help. There it was. Joining me now from a country of 1.3 billion people, it is just one of those 1.3 billion randomly selected from every single person in India, from Mumbai, it's Anu Vapal. Hello, Adi. Hello.

And thank you for going to that rigorous selection process to trick me out of a brilliant people. Well, I like to keep things democratic. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Merry Christmas to you, Happy New Year. I came across something over Christmas that I felt this urge to share with you. As you know, Andy, my hometown is Calcutta. It's where I'm from. I went back there for, and I know the world is a big debate going on about where the very Christmas is appropriate or not. Well, that was successfully that debate ended in Calcutta this year when a Bengali pop artist released his version of Jingle Bells in Bengali dressed to Santa Claus.

Wow, we got that. Bringing the world together under the unique joy of Christmas music. Indeed, indeed. And how was this received by fans of Bengali music? Extatic response Andy. Many had not heard the original version, so I think he's stopping the charts as an original hit. We are recording on the 11th of January 2019, meaning yesterday was the 10th of January, happy birthday to my daughter in case you listen to this at some point, in the near or distant future. She was 12 years old yesterday, which means that it is exactly 12 years since the night of the 11th to the 12th of January 2007, when heroic new father Andy Zoltman volunteered to look after his new baby late late into the night. A 30-hour-old Zoltman daughter was then exposed to her first ever ball of televised cricket.

Ian Bell slapped one straight to mid-off. What a way to start. On the 11th of January 1964, the Surgeon General of the United States published the landmarks Smoking and Health Report, which revealed shock horror that breathing smoke into your lungs over and over and over again might be bad for your health. This sparked national and worldwide anti-smoking measures. Now of course we know that despite all the scientific research, the whole smoking is bad for you, Flinflam,

is in fact a hoax perpetrated by one or more of the Chinese, the alternative energy industry, or lefties in general. But to mark this historic anniversary of the report coming out in 1964, we have some classic old smoking adverts from the radio archives from the Medicinal Ocult, Trebleur, Purifier, smoke your way to a Purisol. What's a smooth, cool and useful? A road.

What's a road covered with? TAR. Treat your lungs like a highway, with trammels, maximum TAR asphaltenos. The Symbec and Warnel outdoor cigarette for the active gentleman, designed with a detestable windbreak to be easily lit even on a distinctly breezy afternoon. And scientifically proven to be superior to oxygen by a factor of two when inhaled whilst exercising.

As smoked during games by the Arsenal and England football star, spluttering Ken Bags. SCORE YOUR COALS! WITH SIMBAKER DWARNAL! Men, do you want to appeal to the fairer sex? Of course you do, you're a man and it's the 1950s. So try Bert Lunghammer and Sons, filterless, remancer-sigrilyards. Remember gentlemen, ladies love a man who coughs and if you really want to make eyelids flutter, blow smoke into them. It really works. Lung hammers, they'd love bloom through the smokey plume.

It's amazing. What's the look? Amazing what lurks in the archives, different world. As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, retirements and as British tenest art Andy Murray announces his impending retirements, we list all the prominent public figures in the world. We would rather retire from their jobs than Andy Murray, including, damn well, fuck it, make your own list, I don't have time to read out all of mine. Also in the bin this week, we have a special section on YouTubers to look out for in the year 2019. Featuring, Dweebel Dum and Dweebel D with just 350 million subscribers, the two days are barely a blip on the YouTuber landscape, but their thrilling videos,

advising fans how to put their socks on without crying could be one of the great breakout hits of the YouTube year. Also, Garnish Trigg, the 17-year-old Alabama with 675 million followers on Pintergram, that's the social media network which only allows users to communicate using quotes from Harold Pinterplays. Trigg is one of the most influential influencers to wield influence during the great influencer epidemic of recent years. His 30-second videos in which he butters slices of toast and then puts them in a bin has led to a worldwide shortage of butter, bread and bins as his acolytes mimic their hero. And we also look at Brother Augustinus, the Austrian monk who accidentally left a webcam running in his monastery after being surprised by Pentecost last year, now unbeknownst to him has 780 million followers around the world who watch him slowly illuminate manuscripts

and occasionally trim his tonsure. And also big on YouTube this year set to be Enid and Agnes. In the vanguard of the burdening nursing home YouTube market, the non-Aginarian social media phenomenon has shared their tip for their fellow codgers and codgerettes on issues ranging from how to eat sandwiches without having to put your teeth in, how to convincingly pretend your death when unwanted relatives visit and the most irritating time of year to die. So, going to be a big year for YouTube. Also in the bin,

well, competition time, Chris, glorious, st.id producer, is leaving us for a couple of weeks to have a hip replacement, a full new hip. This is because he is one or more of a 77 years old, be ruined by spending far more time squimming, running and bicycling than the human body was designed to do, or see cursed by Jupiter at least one of those three. So for the beautiful competition, we want you to tell us what's operation should Chris have done next. Let us know what major medical procedure you would like Chris

to be made to undergo once his hip has at least partially healed up and why and we will choose the winning operation as soon as his recuperation is complete. Then we'll hack into the NHS database and have him under the knife again by mid-March. So to send your Chris's next operation entries to HelloBuglers at the Bugle Podcast. I can already tell you the winner. It's four arms. I want four arms. I'm a bit worried, Andy, that you could have him do that on YouTube and then compete with the monk for 350 billion followers. Yeah, are you gonna be live tweed?

Because you're gonna be conscious. Is that you say? Yeah, they're not giving me general anesthetic. They give me an epidural and some sedatives and a pair of headphones and a playlist of my choice. All right, awesome. So obviously that's, that's, go back to bugle number one and pray for the end.

Well, that's it. I'm not sure we've had anyone listen to the bugle number one and pray for the end. Well, that's it. I'm not sure we've had anyone listen to the bugle during a hit replacement. No, obviously had several of the sector meetings. Yeah. I mean, I hope they don't give me a sector meeting too. It's quite close. I mean, I can say maybe that'd be a good thing.

I'm not quite sure. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Top story this week. And Brexit is still both going on and not going on simultaneously. As it has been for a sense, the last two and a half years, I've got some newspaper headlines here. From the Guardian, oh shit, there's still 11 more weeks of this wankery the Sunday times.

Oh, see. And the Telegraph has this special feature, 95-year-old Ethel Scratchings held back advanced dementia to vote for Brexit a week before she died. And now the millennials want to soil her legacy a full in-depth investigation on that. From Europe, Le Monde, in France, Kisky, so f***ing person, Vigley, Zangre, and DeVelt from Germany,

De Brexit, Zichrisch, Ab Aber Annalysic, Stegger, Sauron Steele, enormous splits and f*** up, Sprach, Angela Merkel. So still, a nation and a continent divided, anyway, how is India enjoying the spectacle of Brexit as we approach now, just 77 sleeps to go? Now, here's the thing, Andy, I've been reading in the headlines that Theresa may brought her Plan B deal to the House of Commons which failed. I don't know about you Andy, but I think it's a good

it's a good thing in life a good strategy to always bring your plan B game to anything Like for example, I couldn't brought my plan a wit you know my to this podcast but I figure why not start with plan B and then go for a complete train wreck you know and and and that's a good approach you know those who she's starting with her plan B at a critical time and in all life circumstances I think she's teaching us a lesson. Never go with your A game, always go with your B game. Well that was pretty much how we ran the Empire, aren't we, as you well know. That is correct. In fact a lot of your B game is now known as Asia. So yes, 77 sleeps. That's not very long, 77 days now until the 29th of March. Although as

1960s and 70s, professional prime minister Harold Wilson famously said, a week is a long time in politics. So 11 weeks is 11 long times. Of course, sadly Wilson was wrong a week is in fact a short time in politics. It just seems like a long time because of all the interminable wittering. Jeremy Hunt, who is the least-twatish foreign secretary Britain has had out of the two it has had since July 2016, Silver Medal for Boris Johnson there, another one for his collection, said that Britain now faces Brexit paralysis, which seems the ideal compromise to me, just absolutely nothing happening forever. Pleases everyone.

He said there's now a risk of no Brexit, which he said would be a breach of trust with the voting public. Well, I mean, what I want to ask AnuVab is where the fuck is Charles Darwin? Because if we have not evolved immunity to politicians breaching our trust in this country, we have only ourselves to blame. These things are down bounce off us like icebergs bouncing off ocean liners.

It should have no impact whatsoever. There was a time in your country and I've studied a little bit of a history where people that did not agree with the certain policy were beheaded. Yes. It was standard practice to behead your citizens if they had a major disagreement with the national policy. Do you think that would help? I guess the question I'm getting to is, will you guys keep having elections till you get a result you like? Well, I would say yes to that,

other than the fact that I don't think there is any result that we like. So, when that would just be an infinite series of elections. I mean, that's essentially what democracy is. It's just an infinite series of elections and no one is ever particularly happy with it. In terms of the beheadings, I think maybe, just in terms of the visual of it, it's

tainted as a brand beheading, but I think maybe there needs to be some kind of virtual, there must be kind of virtual app in which someone can be virtually beheaded in the sense that they are then no longer allowed to appear or speak in public. And that surely should have happened by now. I mean, like you said earlier, there is a YouTuber probably out there doing virtual beheadings on the world to a billion followers. Now, here's a little thing, Andy, that we've learned from Indian elections. In South India, when they have reached the elections, the way the chief minister gets elected is that she gives away free stuff to the citizens like television, microwaves, sometimes vouchers for curtains. Have you thought

about that approach? Well, I think with Brexit that is being done and what we are being given as a nation is for free. No extra charge is the reduced ability to live and work overseas, a diminished economy, so it not got so much economy to worry about. All these things have just been given to us free. Just introductory offers as our Brexit future stretches out gloriously before us. We're having a vote on Tuesday in Parliament on Theresa May's really shit Brexit deal, which may or may not still be the least unshit option available to be fair to work. Now this is slated for Tuesday, it was postponed before Christmas because the Prime Minister

was going to be absolutely thrashed in that vote. Now it appears that she's going to be absolutely thrashed anyway, but with a couple of key differences, one, we're in an odd number of year now, so maybe that's lucky in some cultures. And B, there's now even less time to clean up the mess than there was in December, which means that it's now becoming ever more likely that we won't get soft Brexit, hard Brexit, no deal Brexit, flaccid Brexit, Norwegian Brexit, frictionless Brexit, frictionful scraping your fingers on a blackboard Brexit, any of the other Brexit, and what we will almost certainly get instead if we do get any Brexit, which frankly, I'm hoping that we don don't is the sweeping the shit under the carpet

and pretending you've done the hoovering Brexit. That is I think the best that anyone can now hope for. Well Andy that's not a bad policy. I mean if you look back at world history you have done that a couple of times, a few conflicts around the world. So you know you could just just add that to India Pakistan, the Middle East. It could just be one more thing. But, Andy, I correct me if I'm wrong, but I think 29th of March is the date when Britain is supposed to leave the European

Union. Freedom. And, yeah, 29th of, I was just going to ask Andy, a more personal question, because people always ask, you know, where were you during the Kennedy assassination, where were you when Mahatma Gandhi was shot? So I have to ask Andy, where will you personally be on the 29th of March? I can tell you exactly where I will be, Adevab. I will have built a special emergency Brexit day shelter in which I will have installed a bank of 12 televisions and on those 12 televisions I will have

11 televisions showing classic test match cricket from the 1980s and one television showing ice hockey and that is my only way through it. Shut out reality. That's excellent, Andy. You may also have just described the cricket adevid gauas house. I do not know who's into ice hockey. Jeremy Corbyn has called for general election at, quotes quotes the earliest opportunity which is by my reckoning in four minutes to quote break the deadlock over Brexit. A general election would in no way break the deadlock other than if you break it by clamping another deadlock around the original deadlock so hard that the

first deadlock shatters leaving you only with an even stronger bigger deadlock so hard that the first deadlock shatters, leaving you only with an even stronger, bigger deadlock. Essentially, Corbin calling for, and he won't call for a second referendum, but he is calling for no, it's basically his indirect way of saying, yeah, it's just not really my thing. And the thing is, we have Theresa Theresa May who is essentially a half-assed remainder. And Jeremy Corbyn who is in essence a half-assed Euro-Skiptic. So basically we've got both sides who are essentially half-assed. But the problem is in politics that works as a multiplication not a sum. So politically we're in a quarter-ast situation rather than the full-ast scenario, sorry to get

technical. So it's not really, it's not really working out for us. So, well, I mean, also what you can expect, Anne-Vabre, on the 30th of March, is I think approximately 30 million British people to pitch up in India in smart uniforms saying, please can we have another go? Look, I think there are about 20 million people in Goa right now this winter. So it's just a bit too more. Now, if there was a second referendum and everyone in Britain said that they wanted to remain, surely that calls for a best of three then. Yes. Well, I mean best, there's a lot of precedents for best of three, clearly, World Wars, best of three. Correct. There's a lot of precedents for Best of Three, clearly, World Wars, Best of Three. Correct.

Asteroid Strikes. Asteroid vs. dinosaurs. Best of Three. One nil to asteroid so far. Just went for the dinosaurs to recover from the injury. I mean, there's been other Titanic vs. iceberg. And the iceberg hasn't turned up for the second leg on the sea floor. No matter how hard they try, they just keep bumping back up to the surface.

So, I mean, badminton sets are out of three. Yeah. Best of three. I have to, sorry, I have to return to your analysis of the World Financial Crisis of 2008. For example, what I could read for this, this plan was complete shit. Everyone knew it was shit. But apparently till it was presented in Parliament, So like for example, what I could read for this, this plan was complete shit, everyone

knew it was shit. But apparently till it was presented in Parliament and everyone realized it shit, you never actually know, which goes back to your great philosophical economic theory of 2009 about the world financial crisis in which you said giving people money when they don't have the ability to repeat could lead to a financial crisis, but you wouldn't know unless you actually did it. Yes. Well, as I said at the time, it is like slamming your testicles in a car door. You don't know whether or not it is genuinely going to hurt until you have tried it.

And I would also advocate a bet of three on that, just to make sure. I mean, you couldn't play best of five with testicles. You couldn't. No, you couldn't. You can try, but you're going to lose. You might tune it up, but still you're going to lose. Now, and anyway, what are we talking about? Cresce, you're lowering the tone of the show.

The future of the realm, I think. But I mean, you say it's a shit plan, but yes, but it's our shit plan. It's the shit plan, the shit vague, impractical plan that we voted for at the time, even though we weren't sure that was what we were voting for. It has subsequently turned out we voted for that plan and we are proudly democratically sticking with the decision

we didn't entirely know that we'd make. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Indian news now. sticking with the decision we didn't entirely know that we might Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa originally written for an Indian musical. It was written for a C-tar composition, for a musical on VS. Nipole House of Mr. Pissuas, which is a Nobel Prize winning novel, and that musical never got made sounded like a frightening idea in the first place,

and they took that song and gave it to James Bond. And I'm beginning to worry Andy, that the British BBC sitcom Goodness Gracious Me was probably correct. Maybe eventually everything is Indian. Well, of course, I'm in the influence of India on Bond is clear throughout. And Bond has been involved in some quite spectacular

car chases during his extensive movie career. But he's has been involved in some quite spectacular car chases during his extensive movie career. But he's never been involved in anything quite as terrifying as being driven from Mumbai to Pooner by a young Indian man with a new car on a motorway catering for everything from young Indian men with new cars to old lorries with even older engines, as I endured a few years ago. That was way more terrifying than anything Bond has ever done, and I did my own stunts as well. And also whilst Bond might enjoy the occasional connalitis, copulatory conflatsulation with a lady human, he has not made the population of the fictional brick and that he lives in Balloon in little more than a generation to more than twice its previous size as it's happened in India So clearly India is hornier than James Bond

So really he you can see why they've turned to India for the theme song exactly at the exactly now for example The first 10 minutes of any James Bond movie that you guys refer to as a chase. We call it a commute. That's just how we get to work. And you know there are certain things that an Indian James Bond would do that I think hopefully in the future now the talk about Idris Alba as James Bond. Hopefully in the future when there's an actual James Bond we'll implement these things. Like for example, an Indian James Bond would go to a bar and not ask for a martini, Shaken Notsted, his first question would be, what's the cheapest on the menu during Happy Hour? Now, till you get that bond Andy, I think we're in a very nebulous world. a fabulous world. Donald Trump vs America News updates now and the shutdown in America continues.

It's reaching record breaking levels. Donald Trump has basically shut down America as a nation in a strop about a wall. Interesting times we live in. These are very odd times, and the clearly Trump is not a man easily given to compromise and backing down. And I saw one writer saying that one of the problems is that Trump is a gut politician, which wouldn't be such a big problem, were it not for the fact that his diet is fucking terrible,

to eat some yogurt for fuck's sake, literally and metaphorically. The whole debate over the wall, he keeps saying that Mexico is going to now, he's rode back on the claims that Mexico is going to pay for. He's not saying Mexico will indirectly pay for the wall via a new trade deal, which contradicts the 200 plus times in the 2016 presidential campaign. He said Mexico would basically directly pay for the wall. Also, and if I've given that America imports more from Mexico than an exports to Mexico,

even if Mexico does pay for the wall, America will respond by paying more for the upkeep of the road that transport potential immigrationizers on those roads to that wall to the American border, respond by paying more for the upkeep of the road that transport potential immigration izers on those roads to that wall to the American border, which is a little ironic if nothing else. That's correct, I think, that's absolutely correct. And also, I don't know how you feel about this.

I've been fascinated with the idea of a national emergency, and the fact that a president could declare it. For example, I had a script deadline today Andy, but I declared a national emergency because I think they're like procrastinating. And I wonder if you in your life have ever thought about declaring a national emergency, I think could any of us do it? Well, I think so. I mean, we've all got to take back control. That sort of Brexit's all about here. It's taking back control.

And you know, we take, I have my own nuclear deterrent. Well, after lots of new clists, it can't be that odd to make them go bang, and we need to take back control of emergencies as well. I mean I think that's the way out of, it's the way out of everything, just shut everything, that's basically what happened at the end of the Roman Empire, is there was, just that, yeah everything was shut down for about a thousand years, and really Donald Trump is essentially just, it's like a micro-dark ages. And Andy, as you made me aware, a lot of federal workers are not being paid.

A lot of people, 800,000 people work for the US government have gone without now almost a couple of paychecks. And I'm beginning to think, Andy, will there be a time when you're going through immigration and you're sure you're passport? Some of them would say, welcome to the United States, can I have 20 bucks? Yeah, I think it's, that's quite possible. And also, it's quite likely that you'll turn up in America and they'll say, would you mind taking over for a few hours?

I need to go home and cry. Yes. Yes. This is great. This is, you know, and this is exactly wasn't you afraid, where Donald Trump is afraid of immigrants taking over jobs. There was a lot of fact checking of Donald Trump's speech

the other day on the subjects of the wall and immigration. To be honest, fact checking Donald Trump's speech is just a complete waste of time because I think everyone just assumes that everything he says is a lie and either they're happy with that or they're not. But I went the opposite way. I've lie checked Trump's speech and he actually used a lot of the wrong lies including when he missed out the lie that the correct lie should have told us that 350,000 Guatemalan teenagers are now working as professional circus acrobats in Iowa alone making it almost impossible for young

Iowans to progress in the circus. 95% of all American presidents would have been assassinated by Mexican drugs cartels, had those presidents infiltrated the cartels and then suddenly jumped up from the dinner table at cartel hq and said guess what guys I'm the president of the USA surprise that's something that he did not tell the American people he should have done. And also whilst the overwhelming majority of crime in America is committed by non non-immigrants this might be only because those Americans are heroically stepping into the breach to perpetrate crimes by Americans for Americans to save those American victims from being crime by someone from overseas. Because research has shown, Anivab, or at least it might show if it's ever done, that

being the victim of a crime committed by a fellow American is up to 98% less annoying for Americans than being the victim of a crime committed by a foreigner. Furthermore, for the average United States of America, being gunned down by another American, expressing his or her god-given, eternally-mutable, second amendment freedom is actually according to this non-existent research paper I have here, described as relatively pleasurable by 73% of survey respondents who cite quotes, the opportunity to commune with our nation's founding fathers on a spiritual and philosophical level as a significant positive of being guns lined by a fellow American

all bit that they also viewed death as being a quote largely negative outcome. So many lies that Trump should have told and didn't and that made the speech very disappointing for me indeed. Just a couple of quick breaking news stories on the shutdown and the the wall. Trump has just personally ordered an Acme foreigner detecting rocket with attached immigrants scoop which he will personally straddle and fly to blast all the immigrants one by one back to the rest of the world or wherever they come from.

Preliminary research and development flights on the ACME, for on a defecting rocket were not too promising, however, and resulted in the test coyote used for such experiments, flying at high speed, passed the target immigrants and into a cliff face, a landing, ending alive but with significantly charred fur. And also breaking news, Trump is now saying that the wall he promised was not a physical wall, but was a spiritual wall around the hearts of all Americans. And the Mexicans will pay for it due to the increased patriotism of freshly wall-hearted Americans, no longer buying tacos and sombreros, but instead spending their

money on stetsons and hot dogs. So onwards and sideways for America. That's still a wall, Andy. That's a very good wall. A spiritual wall is an excellent wall. Now, here's the thing. The two things that struck me, Andy, and I want to have views on that. The first was, of course, federal workers not being paid. I thought the only profession that didn't actually, you know, where you worked and didn't get paid was comedy. I was happy to find that there was another profession

where there could be such a circumstance where there is no financial remineration for years and years of work. The other thing that I've got really interested in Andy that I wanted to ask you about were other walls. Now there are some other great walls that are still around, the Great Wall of China, the Berlin Wall, the Western Wall in Jerusalem, Hadrian's Wall, which I think you have. The Antonyne Wall, which I think is in Scotland. The Great Zimbabwe Wall in Zimbabwe, the Wall of Babylon in Iraq, the Wall of Ston in Croatia.

Now, universally, what my expert research on Wikipedia tells me is that all of these walls have become tourist sites. They have either become tourist sites or places for graffiti. So, were there to be a wall Andy, what do you think might happen to it? Well, I guess, that's the old saying isn't it tragedy plus time equals comedy, or clearly wall plus time equals tourist attraction. So it's just a question of how much time there is. I mean, I'll give it a week, but I think things happen faster in the modern world. And you can see Trump's wall being finished,

and then basically becoming a theme park which is the way of all flesh in America within seven days. Longest penis ever. Technology news now and the consumer electronics show 2019 has been taking place at the annual global exposalisation of the latest developments and trends in technology offering some truly sensational and flamboyantly unnecessary advances

that once again proved the incredible, immutable capacity of the human brain to create incredible stuff that literally no one needs. This year, completely unneeded products have included bendy TV screens. So never again, Anifab, well, we have to embarrass ourselves at family gatherings and dinner parties by screaming, why the f*** is that f***ing television so f***ing unbendable?

Like the will of Zeus himself? Ha ha ha ha ha. That often gets brought up in my house. Ha ha ha. Uh, video systems been developed That often gets brought up in my house. Video systems been developed that can insert imagery onto a round of person during a live video feed, opening up huge advertising opportunities for other YouTubers like Gryffty Flacker and E-Gamer's like Brasad, Dillamune who can now presumably slay suffragettes on red dead redemption too whilst those suffragettes are wearing a headscarf

with the words, are you beach ready on it? There is way way too much unnecessary advertising in the world as it is. Something I will be addressing on the forthcoming Bugle Live tour of the USA in February and March details on the internet. There was some autonomous farm vehicles. That is not what we want. Not here in

Britain. We voted for Brexit so we could all pick fruit for a below subsistence wage now that the Romania-Opaulgarians aren't coming over here and sneaking into our fruit before we get the chance. The last thing we need is any kind of agricultural technology. A laundry folder, a device that folds your laundry for you. Is that necessary? It folds your laundry for you. Um, is that necessary? It folds your laundry for if you can't be asked to do the correct thing and just shove it in a drawer and not give a shit of it a bit crumply or put it on when it's wetting. Let it mold itself, mold itself around your body. This was a particular highlight for me, Anivab.

The intelligent toilet, which you can personalize your cararsie with your own settings, including ambient lighting, music and the Amazon Alexa function, which presumably we were able to chip in while you're straining away going about your daily business with comments such as, can I help you with that crossword you seem to be struggling with? Would you like to know how to tell when your chicken is properly cooked for next time? So this doesn't happen again. Or now I understand how you've broken your 800 meter personal best, 14 weeks in a row. Clearly, it's an amazing product.

The intelligent toilet, or they do still have to do your own, well, do I need to spell it out? But it's the kind of product that should be air-dropped over places like Yemen and Sudan and refugee camps and war zones and famine struck regions of the world with a message strapped to it saying, this is how little we care about you, sincerely, the first world. Do you think that's come a time Andy where people will be wondering, how did we ever go to the toilet without an Alexa? I guess so. I just think it just further evidence that as a species we need to focus. Other gadgets that could have been at the fair but were not include the Nudge Check Ethical Jockstrap for the easily confused but horny mile in today's complex world. Based on the medieval chastity belts,

the Ethical Jockstrap will only unclasspitself from the wearers' gnajulums when explicit consent is given, recommended for idiots and sexual egomaniacs. Also, the arse detecting chair never sit down on the wrong bit of your body again. The arse detecting chair will sound an alarm as soon as you take a seat on your knees, shoulder, face or elbows, with an unobtrusive and healthfully constructive suggestion that you might be sitting down wrong.

If you sit down correctly on your backside, the chair will pay a little trumpet fanfare to congratulate you and encourage you to keep up the good work. That kind of thing we respond to as consumers these days. The Your emails now and this comes in from Karl Kuster, who writes, Hello, bugle team. As an American, I feel my ignorance should take priority over the rest of the world.

What I would just like to hear that in an inauguration speech someday, as out loud, rather than merely as the subtext. Karl continues, I wanted to make a humble request of Andy to do a bit where he compares the sports of the world to cricket. Is there a way to explain cricket by demeaning other beloved sports? What is cricket, ask Carl? Imagine American football but more arm waving and fewer injuries. It's not that, I mean, if you want to know what cricket is, just imagine the best thing that you've ever seen

and then imagine something that is more than twice as good as that. And that's essentially all you need to know, you ask, God, it's cricket, basically like, is baseball essentially cricket, but with more manual scropal redistribution. I think it's one of the key stumbling block clauses in the Brexit agreement. And is compared with soccer, is it, is soccer like cricket but with more Brazilian corruption? Well, I mean, I just, there's, there's no point comparing cricket to anything in the human realm because it does not belong there. Carl continues, I just bought my tickets for the bellhouse on Brooklyn, New York. Good

point, Carl. Yes, the bugle is coming to America. The tour begins in Brooklyn on the 26th of February. Details are available on the bugle website and the internet, not all of the dates are yet on sale, but there are, I believe, 12 shows in a very short space of time. So I'm kind of hoping that the government is no longer shut down then, because I imagine that might make getting for one place to another slightly logistically problematic. Do come along to all of those shows. Keep your emails flooding in to HelloBuglers at theBugel podcast.com including your suggestions for what operation

Chris should have next. That brings us to the end of this week's Beagle. Next week we have Alice Fraser and Nish Kumar and no Chris who will be recuperating from having a bionic robot hip in install. I've got box set TV ready. Yep. Grapes. Next week's bugle which is gonna be great. There we go. Get well soon. Thank you for listening bugleers and if Ab, do like to have you on again and we'll be back next week until then bugleers good bye. Goodbye, all.