The Bugle - We Are Family! (2022 Edition)

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Some laughs from across The Bugle family this week...The Gargle: Alice Fraser introduces non-political news from Alison Spittle, Josh Gondelman and Eleanor Morton: https://pod.link/GargleCatharsis, with Tiff Stevenson asking Ria Lina and Sindhu Vee what works them up: https://pod.link/Tiny The Ashes Urncast, where Andy and Felicity Ward try to keep a straight face after England lose the room (and The Ashes): https://pod.link/UrncastAnd a classic clip from The Bugle, as featured in Top Stories, with Andy, John Oliver and Father Christmas: https://pod.link/TopStories Support us via http://thebuglepodcast.comProduced by Laura Turner and Chris Skinner Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bueglers. We've had to take an extended break of late. This is due to a family bereemant plus the fact that I'm currently in Pakistan watching a motherload of cricket.

But we all be back up and running from the pavilion and at full pace in January. In the coming weeks, you're going to experience the full and complete Bugal guides to the year 2022, a two-part masterpiece that will surely be hung in museums for millennia to come. But today it's a celebration of the Bugle family. Over the next 30 minutes you will hear some of the funniest 2022 moments from the Gargle, Catharsis, the Bugle Ashes earn cast and a classic Christmas moment as reported on top stories.

But we start with the Gargle, Chris, play the harp, spin the bottle or play whatever transition effect you deem appropriate. BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD B Elon Musk has launched a friendly robot which he says will not overwhelm humans or attack them in any way. Josh Gondelman, you've been a tech billionaire in the past. Can you unpack this story for us? That's right. Yeah. Elon Musk says these robots are going to be a bigger part of his business than electric

cars and he wants to make humanoid robots, which why do they have to look like people? That's just rubbing it in when they take over, right? Where it's just like, oh, they can wear our pants and stuff when they take over the world. But he said a friendly robot that's not dangerous. And I don't like that. The idea of a friendly robot to me is almost as unnerving as the idea of a hostile robot because you can hurt a friend's feelings.

I want a robot with the personality of a Scandinavian grandparent, just no emotion, instead of turning against the humans in an all-out war. At worst, they're going to passively, aggressively do our bidding super slowly, and that I can handle. So these robots are supposed to, they're initially, they're supposed to do like monotonous, but possibly dangerous jobs, and then become more sophisticated

that they can be friends or even sexual partners for humans. And that's like a real testament to Elon Musk's world view that he's designing robots that he can sexually harass, that you can have an inappropriate workplace relationship with. Well, I mean, the robot will sleep with you for an NFK, and it's the worst. Well, this is the scariest part to me. They showed the robot, right?

This kind of clunky prototype, and like four people brought it out. And then they made it dance, and it was not an especially fluid dance. It was like, you know, it was a little quirky, jerky, a little wooden, and I was like, you know, it was a little quirky jerky, a little wooden. And I was like, oh, oh, that's how I dance. The technology is too good to fast.

Oh yeah, you're not doing the robot. The robot's doing the Josh. And I was like, oh, oh, I'm replaceable. I'd never felt that way before. The prototype of the robot came out on stage and waved the audience, did the little dance, but most of the footage of the robot was a video footage of the robot carrying a box

water implants, moving metal bars in the factory, a Tesla factory, and it just, I feel like that is a good move. It's like when he got the employee to throw a steel ball at the window of the Tesla truck to prove that disgruntled employees could damage your car And it worked. Yes. It's a tricky thing the robot thing because of course These robots will be used to replace human employees and then there'll be more people on TikTok How I feel about that that's a problem and then there going to be robot influencers. Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. Heart-breakingly. Elena, how do you feel about this story? I think everyone is giving Elon a lot more credit than he deserves. First of all, can I just say, I may think the idea of protest too much because he keeps mentioning that they're not going to hurt us

and I'm like, oh, I wasn't thinking about that until you said that. It's like if you go to someone's for dinner and they're like, there's no shiss in the food. You're like, oh, I didn't think there was, but now I'm worried. Like, but I actually think, I'm not very worried about these robots, even though that's a scary thing for him to say, because I think Elon is all talker-no-drivers.

He's a man whose entire personality is all about the optics and not none about the technology. All he wants to learn the future and he doesn't get that we're not there yet. So he's made this robot, which actually, first of all, I liked that it walked like I used to walk when I was sneaking to get a biscuit out of 10, 10-year-old. The was actually, you know, most scientists were saying,

well, it's actually not that good at most of the things we needed to be good at. So yeah, maybe one day we can get it to do all this stuff, but I don't think it's going to replace anyone soon and less like, you could actually replace TikTokers because I think the only thing it can do is dance. So Like, you could actually replace TikTokers because I think the only thing it can do is dance. So picking stuff up, a lot of other very basic things that humans find super easy, actually robots apparently find really hard. So yeah, I don't know, I'm not as impressed

as Elon Musk, we should be, I think. He keeps saying, I'll do this and I'll do this and then over-promising and then it never turns up and I'm kinda like, I feel like you think you're Iron Man but with none of the technology or Iron Man because that is a film. He was an inspiring guy and part of what he's inspiring is that he's read a lot of science fiction and he would like to be the people in the science fiction. I'm just not sure he knows who the goodies are in the science fiction. He's quite excited about things that maybe to you and I might read as a dystopian future, because he can envision himself as being the one in the nice glass palace

rolling the robots. Right, right, that's who you relate to. In every scene of the book whether everyone up rises and gets rid of the guy in the in the ghost palace. Oh no, if it's dystopian enough, it still ends badly. That's true. That's very nice day in chat. So maybe you're reading the super dystopian stuff and being like, mm, refreshing. I just feel like when they always promise

that robots will become a sexual partner, I feel like this is, I don't cry this lightly. I'm not a big like, oh, this is the patriarchy. This is the patriarchy, because when they promise that a robot will be a sex partner, they are talking about a heterosexual female sex partner to a male purchaser. They are not talking about a robot that can finger you comfortably. Can you imagine anything more terrifying as a woman than letting a machine near any of that? That is horrible.

Well, I mean... There's a whole genre of hate. horrible. Well, I mean, I feel like sex robot technology is actually further along than we'd like to admit in summer. Our top story for this week's edition of the magazine is sausage news. A lonely eight dating club app has turned into a sausage fest and been cancelled because not enough women are into cryptocurrency, at least not in a dating sort of way. Alison Spittle, you've seen a lonely board ape. Can you unpack this story for us? Yes, so this is a story basically about a horny api-art club dating app, right? That has had too many men subscribe to it

and not enough women and they have shut down the website which I think shows a great lot of integrity which are words I thought would never pass my mouth when talking about cryptocurrency, doobros. But like they're already better at Marley than Ashley Madison, who you know when other dating apps have had too many men they've had bots to pretend that they're women

at least for this they're being honest with their customers it's quite sweet actually it's quite sweet and yeah it's weird because you can look at you can you can't really meet the people in real life. You could show them your different types of NFTs and tell them how long you've, is it diamond-handed? This is all like new language that I've learned it. And, uh, Barney, like diamond-hands is to say like how long you've had the NFT for.

It's, uh, it's very, very niche And I'm not going to kink shame anybody except crypto to gross. The thing about diamond handing is that there's part of this internal culture where so much of it is sort of a pyramid scheme that relies on other people also investing their hopes and dreams into this thing that only exists if you all agree to believe in it forever. And that the thing that makes you rely on somebody else is basically how hard they have committed to ongoing gullibility. Yeah, that's what the diamond is. It's you hold on to it really hard.

And you know, because you know, that's what diamonds are known for. It's for continued, uh, continued ownership, even as value dips and dips and dips, like diamonds do. You know, diamonds are always losing their value, uh, continued ownership even as value dips and dips and dips like diamonds do. You know, diamonds are always losing their value, uh, causing people's like self-esteem and sense of worth the plummet and causing their financial portfolio to go into disarray. So this is like diamonds. Totally. Isn't like dating itself like the ultimate pyramid scheme. Like, you know, when you buy into late, you're kind of like, I don't know,

maybe it's because I'm in a very long term relationship, and I'm holding on to him for dear life and everything. I got diamond hands in that investment. I mean, that's what an engagement ring is, right? It's love's diamond hands. Yeah, it is. I can know, is it an abomination in a way to, like, it feels like we're trying to set up women with apes and like this has been done For nearly a hundred years look at King Kong, you know what I mean like this I feel like we're we're fey reying these women of going like here's an ape Here's some money And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it. Josh, have you ever bought an NFT?

I haven't. You know, because like I like to waste my money on things I can eat or touch. And if I'm going to waste my money, it's going to be, uh, uh, look, I have no high ground to stand on. I have so many pairs of sneakers in my house, but at least when worst comes to worst and like my, my, uh, life collapses, I can put on those sneakers and run away, which is not something that NFTs avoid you. This is this all dating thing is so funny to me because not only, right, does it mean

that there were too many men and this doesn't appeal to women and so it couldn't be a viable dating app. It means there are no gay men were into it either because if it was like a lonely gay apiat club and all the people that subscribed or men, it'd be like, hell yeah, we're in a thriving fraud art community and that's a basis of our relationships. But it's like the straightest thing. And as a straight guy, I say this,

that like a mediocre picture of an ape is like a very straight guy concept of art. It's like a pulp fiction poster in a frame without having been the movie pulp fiction for it to be based on. And like just on a practical level, if everybody here owns those board apes, you can't have a dating app

where everyone's picture is basically the same. That's not what a dating app is. So like, of course it was mostly dudes. An NFT dating website is only gonna attract only guys. You might as well have said it was for fans of Joe Rogan who think cargo shorts are both Functionally and aesthetically ideal and who think they're clever for listing the pronouns in their bio as Rick slash Morty so like Yeah, that's who's gonna come to this

That was Alice Fraser with Alison Spittle Josh Gonderman and do gougle some more via the podcast app you are listening to this with or any other form of technology at your disposal. Now let's join Tiff Stevenson for her brilliant new show, Catharsis. Later we'll hear Tiff in conversation with Sindhu V, but first, his she is unleashing realeena. This is the section of the podcast we like to call old grudges, a historical gripe for you. Tell me your story, I'm gonna try not to interrupt till the end when I may have many questions. Goodness, do you know it was actually hard to narrow this down?

I first looked at it and panicked and went, but I love everybody and then I went, oh no, hang on a second. And what I also did was I checked with my ex husband and he went, oh, you have so many. Like, where do we start? He said he was so much content for this podcast. So we were just talking about not being noticed in high school. I was younger. I was two years younger than everyone else in my grade.

Because I was moving between systems. I covered different things at different times. And also my birthdays and you know, it was later in the year. So just I was overall younger than people. And when we got to 11th and 12th grade, which is your equivalent of lower and upper sixth, I decided to do the IB, the International Baccalaureate. This was the first time our American school had offered it. And so the only people who chose to do it were those that needed it.

I eat the European kids in the school because we were in the Netherlands. The Americans stuck with the American system. And so what happened was this bit of a divide in junior and senior grades, in our junior and senior class, where there was most of the grade was doing the APs that the Americans do, but there was about 13 of us that were doing the IB. And we all had all of our classes together. They had all of their classes together because the curriculums were different. So we get to the end of senior year. And if there's one thing I knew I wanted to do, it

was go to prom. I wanted to go to prom because I actually grew up in Britain and then moved to the Netherlands at the beginning of high school. And so I'd been watching all these Americans. You know, we all saw it. We watched the movies. We saw a problem. I was like, I want this experience for myself.

I'm in this American high school and live in the dream. I want to go to prom. And so the way that it worked is you have to buy a ticket to prom and they were selling tickets, you know, in the cafeteria, whatever you go, you buy ticket. I went, I bought my ticket to go to prom and I didn't have anyone to go with. No one had asked me to go. Ah, you know what? Let's not pretend that by the end of high school war, I'm two years younger than everyone else that that was a surprise but I was still gonna go and I was gonna have the thing in these experience and and I wasn't

and I'm not the only person who was gonna go solo it wasn't like everybody else had paired off on I was the weird one on the wrong people going in groups or they might book a you know a limo together and you know it's three couples or whatever like it was a very loose, easy, very happy situation, but I bought my ticket and didn't think much more of it until I got to prom. And I, you know, I used, I was wearing an old dress of my mother's and my father bought me the corsage and then my dad drove me to prom, which I didn't realize was so crazy until you show up and everyone else is in limos Everyone else is in limos. Right, and so the cool kids. They've got a limo and and what happened was is a limo

Would drive up to the the entrance of the hotel and they had a red carpet and all the parents Because the American parents knew how to do this my parents are European They didn't know how to do this your PM parents weren't there but the American parents were there and they the one limo would drive up And then the door would open and all these beaut, you know, kids would come out and they're beautiful tuxes and they're, and they're dresses and they'd walk down the red carpet and, and their pairs are their groups and everyone would take picture. Oh, so pretty. All the rest of it. My dad gets to the hotel and he goes to drive up and they're like, you can't go up there and it's like,

well, she's going to prom. They went, you're not a limo. So he drove up to a side door. Oh, I think it'd up to a side door. I didn't get to go to the side door. To go to the kitchen. Tell me you didn't get to go to the kitchen. It was just a side door. So it got me into the lobby, but I didn't get to walk the red carpet because he was in. But the, I think the real kicker was that I found out when I got to prom that all the other kids that were doing the IB. So it was me, you know, they'd gotten a limo together and they hadn't asked me. Oh no!

So they don't, those that were going to be fair of the 13 of us, there were definitely some kids. I'm pretty sure the finished kid said three words. I'm not going and that was the entire thing that he said for the entire two years that we studied with him, you know. But those kids that did go from the IB. Oh, but then nothing now.

I bet they didn't do anything with their baccalaureates. They took their baccalaureates, they went to places like Oxford and Bay Bridge. And now they're all very highfalutin scientists, but that's fine. I hear this thing. We all love PhDs. Listen, the geeks and the nerds

aren't allowed to leave people out in a social hierarchy. That was harsh to find out that I was too nerdy for the geeks. Too nerdy for the nerd group. Do you remember what you wore? Yes, because, can I tell you the catharsis now? Is it too early for the catharsis? No, you can tell us the catharsis. Okay, so I did, I mean, I'm not cheating on you,

but I did do another podcast. It was before you podcasted to be fair. I did do another podcast, and they asked for a triumphant moment, something like that. And so I told them some of the story of the problem, not this bit, you got new info. This is new info. This is how this is how this is a premier. This is a premier of this part of the problem.

I mean, the rest of it in terms of me standing near the toilets and talking to people as they went to and from the toilet as my way of socializing at prom. How are they? Were you selling mints? Did you become that person? You had a can of hair spray. No, no, no, just constantly pretending I was about

on my way to or from the toilet so that it seemed natural that I was standing there the entire night talking to people. So tell me about your moment of glory then. 20 years after prom, I can still fit into that prom dress. That's what I'm saying. I tried it on recently. Dress still fits. And you've had kids. That's what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. I tried it on recently. Dress still fits. And you've had kids.

I mean, real is incredibly. I've had a divorce. Incredibly fit. I ate my way through that divorce, and then I ran my way back to fitting into that dress. So that's your old beef or your old grudge? My old, old, old grudge. But I like the fact that you've,

I mean, it is cathartic for you to talk about it with me, obviously, but what I feel is quite healthy is that you obviously just moved on from it by the fact that you're very successful now. So who cares that you didn't get to walk down this red carpet at the prom? We've done plenty of red carpet since, right? I've done some red carpet, but I'll be honest,

you know you get to a point, every hour gets to a point where they go, ooh, we should have a high school reunion. You know, I met that point. You're at that point. I've got that point going. Everyone gets to that point when something's happened that they can be very proud of, they go, now. Now we can do it.

I've invented the Post-its. I've invented my version of the Post-its, let's go. The Post-its. Now it's time for me to ask you for an unpopular opinion. I don't think Beyonce is all that and it just makes people crazy when I say that. I mean, that's the big, big deal. Like I don't get it, you know. She's fine.

She's a great singer. I mean, she's a good singer. But all the hype, I'm like, about what is it the clothes? Is it the dancing? But the whole thing together, like, really? I don't see why. Do you think it's because she, um, she sort of separated herself from all social media? This is the thing she did a while back where she doesn't really do interviews or anything like that. And then occasionally put something out on Instagram. So I find this quite sort of she sort of stepped out of the I'm not gonna do a news program, I'm not gonna do

anything, I'm just gonna the enigmaticness of that. Do you think it's that? I don't think she's enigmatic so I don't think that. I think like many people across history, she has found a very and fair play to her a way to package her brand. And part of that involves this kind of slight move to I'm a musician but I have virtues that surpass that. Virtues for feminists, virtues for women of color, virtues for women who want to be financially independent, virtues for mothers, and I'm like from where?

And people have bought into a hookline and sinker, and I'm like, it's a brand. It's a brand. And so I don't see why her branded stuff is not called out's a brand and so I don't see why Her branded stuff is not called out as a brand, but it's somehow some essential organic greatness That's why I don't get right because if we're in the business event attainment as I suppose especially if you're a pop star You're a machine. It is a brand. It's like Madonna is undoubtedly the brand Madonna Yeah, but she doesn't have this kind of, you know, Madonna was great and this and that,

but she never had this, you could walk into a room and say I don't like Madonna and people be like, ah, yeah, you walk into a room and say, what's the big deal with Beyonce and women are like, oh, what do you mean? And it's like, dude, chill out. What is the big deal? For me, Prince was like a god. Right.

But Prince was a phenomenal musician. Beyoncé is not even on the same street, let alone the same house, let alone the same room. Okay, she doesn't even have a voice like Whitney Houston. She had a voice. Beyoncé's voice is great, but it's not something that's gonna move you, in my opinion.

Yeah. Or at least you can see she's on par with Whitney. Okay, I might accept that. What is the big deal? And I think the big deal is because she's got her brand and it's and it's full marks to her for the brand. But I mean women who don't think it's a brand, they think that she's genuinely just this amazing human being. And I'm like, why? Why? Well, because Whitney, I felt like Whitney maybe didn't even have any other Whitney was a performer and then she was an actor as well as his Beyonce has been in in some stuff, but I feel like

we can't even remember the name. Hello. Just to point out what Whitney will be on say. Beyonce. Oh, gold member. Yeah, there you go. Whereas with Whitney, you're like bodyguard. Yeah. Boom. You know, and you don't know's with Whitney? You're like Buddyguard. Yeah. And you know, whatever that movie was, I think this is a new phenomenon as well though. I think Madonna did it very strategic.

I keep saying Madonna, but there's been other artists that have done it as well. But I suppose Tina Turner, if I kind of think that Tina Turner. Yeah, those women didn't have brands. Yes, and I think it's much more, I don't know if that's hers, so much of that is what is expected now. Like Harry Styles has a brand. There will be, like, he's acting in stuff, he's performing, but there's definitely going to be stuff sold with Harry. But Harry Styles is amateur compared to Beyoncé and Jay-Z and their brand.

I mean, they have that brand. And I would fully understand women who say she's really amazing and she's really amazing. compared to Beyonce and Jay-Z and their brand. I mean, they have that brand. And I would fully understand women who say, she's really amazing what a brand she runs. Like Victoria Beckham. Right. She's a brand and I don't think she disowns it. Yes.

Whereas Beyonce wants to just be like, there's this amazingness to me that's just, I can't help it's coming out of me. It's like, dude, no, there's not. You've got a, okay, you've got a good voice. You've got a great career. You are amazing on stage. Like, what movements? I couldn't even do half. She's running up and down stage and dancing and singing. It's amazing. And you're, you worked your marriage out in some music called lemons or lemonade or whatever. All that's great.

But you're not the best musician ever, or the best female musician ever. And there's not like this, you don't know some deep secret about the truth of life that we're all waiting to hear. You've got three kids in your mind, too, Jay-Z. And he hasn't left you and you haven't left him. He's fucking everybody. You're doing a great job of keeping it quiet.

Beautiful. Like fine. Tino. That was. And yeah, your sister lost her shit and punched him in the lift because Beautiful like fine And yeah your sister lost her shit and punched him in the lift because maybe she was pissed off you're more famous Maybe she thinks he should not you know you should keep his dick to himself should happens. It's a family be cool Do you know what I mean just bring it down or not? I don't want that to happen. Oh my god I don't want my I don't my husband to get punched and it live by my sister I mean if he deserved it though if he deserved. my sister. I mean, if he deserved it though.

If he deserved it, oh yeah, actually true. If he deserved it, then you know, I mean, should happen, they are human and it's a family. Thank you for sharing your unpopular opinion. That was Catholicism for some of you, Catholicist. I know, comes in the form of reliving sporting disaster. So here I am with a slightly happier than me for Lizzy T. Ward at the end of a truly disastrous Ashes campaign for England back in January.

After seeing England find a tiny bit of form was it the second day or the third day? Well towards the end of the second day with the ball, when they had Australia, a few of his down again, and they're starting to start on how bad Australia is. First, Ted Overser that will come to you later in the show in both in his combined. Really, that was a game they should have lost from making really bad starts in both innings. So in a bowl, they bowed really well either side of the one period of play on day one, when everything went to shit. It was only, I mean, it was about 40 overs, but I was really one at five and over on quite a difficult pitch after being 12 for three. They lost all 10 wickets in the second innings in less than 23 overs, after getting to 68 for naught, and a position where not only could they have one

but more importantly they had the option of losing with dignity and making a game of it and then they collapsed and they lost the last five wickets in 23 balls, five wickets in 23 balls under the bell-reve lights they went they didn't really go down fighting, they went down flailing and surrendering essentially. The white flag would have been raised if it hadn't happened too quickly for anyone to find the white flag in the team's kit bag. They really jumped out of the plane without the parachute didn't they? They were like, pick me! They did that. But also, I don't know if they jumped out of the plane as try to jump into the plane. I think you saw the last wicket of the series.

Into the propeller. I mean, the last two wickets is some of the worst cricket I've ever seen. And I've seen my dad play drunk on Christmas Day. It was as if they dropped the bat and grabbed the ball and threw it into the stumps themselves. The final ball of the series, Oli Robinson, the England can't say fast bowler, his face has been sinking through the series. The England bowler? The England spin bowler, Oli Robinson. Admittedly England had no chance of anything at this point.

They'd already collapsed, already a number of pretty loose shots have been played. But Robinson came in and he scored a hundred in his first game of county cricket in 2015 on his test debut last summer in England. He got a very good 40 against a very fine New Zealand bowling attack. And usually it takes England tail enders a good few years to massively decline and then give up back. And he's done so in a record time. And so he came in, it was number 10. Well, he hadn't faced a ball by the time Stuart Broad came in. Broad got a single and for instance, first ball from Pat Cummins who was bowling, you know,

as Pat Cummins does, well, fast and naastily. And there's an amazing screenshot of the ball hitting the stumps and one of Robinson's feet is literally off the cut strip. It's off the pitch. And it was on the way, basically his foot was already on the way to the pavilion by the time the ball hit the stumps, as if he said, I have a plane to catch. Yeah, I think that Olli Robinson's foot said, well if you're not leaving Brain, I am. If you're gonna sit here and stay in the path of that violent ball, I'm f***ing off. I think if you played that shot 10,000 times, you might hit the ball once. And this was sort of the final indignity for England's acting in a series in which, you

know, on tricky pitches, you know, a lot of us, most of Australia's batsmen also struggle against, you know, a high-class bowling attack. I mean, I think we can fairly say, firstly, they didn't succeed in the same way that Henry VIII didn't completely succeed in getting to Saturn in a spaceship made of watermelons. Not quite. I didn't know what the f*** I was watching those last few balls.

I wasn't cricket. I don't even know how it was sports so much as dancing with a stick. I didn't know what they were doing with their feet. I didn't know if they were trying to hit it so far out of the ground that they needed to give themselves space. I don't know if they were afraid of the ball and so they jumped out of the way. Honestly, have you ever seen anything like those last two balls? The last two wickets were just... They were bad. I mean, the last five wickets were just... They were bad. I mean, the last five

wickets were pretty bad. Pretty bad. It was all going very well. 68 for the chasing 271, tricky chase historically, but they made a really good start and the windvis predictor, which Crickvis uses basically every single data from the entire history of the known universe to predict who's going to win the game. Actually, he had England over 50% probability of winning at that point, 68 for North. 10 wickets left, not a lot happening for the bowlers. And then in the last over before T. Rory Burns plays on to Cameron Green, who was terrific throughout the series at bowling. And I mean, this was one of the many things coming into this series. Greedy never taken a test wicket he played four matches last year against India now he was coming back from injury and you know he was viewed as a very promising all-rounder but he

he just hadn't succeeded but not a single wicket in four tests he bowled around about 44-45 overs and he'd taken 13 in this series at an average of 15. Scott Bowland, who not only had he not played test matches before this series, I don't think anyone would even consider that he would ever play a test match before this series. He's coming to second. Certainly not in the ass. 18 for 172.

Believe it, who takes 18 wickets? There will be plenty of stats later on in at least one stat whack, but Scott Bowler's 18 wickets 172 average, 9.5, only two bowlers in the history of test cricket have had a better average after three tests haven't taken at least 10 wickets. They are only Toshak who played for Australia straight after the Second World War, left arm, medium-paced bowler, and then you've got to go back to Charles the Terror Turner. And the mere fact that he has the terror, as an nickname, tells you that he was very much a bowler from the 1880s. Charles the Terror Turner.

Fortunately, the ashes didn't really happen. It was all in my eyes. In England England aren't how brilliant a cricket. Now let's finish the show by tucking into some Christmas pudding. We have a bugle greatest hit show called Top Stories, which for the next two weeks will be celebrating Christmas at Bugle HQ. Starting with the first ever Bugle Christmas with me and John Oliver, this is Bugle issue 10.

Entitled, have an adequate Christmas. So in today's Spangley Christmas Bugle, we lead off with some of the Christmas-based stories to make you feel Christmassy at this very Christmas time. And Kwanza and Hanukkah. Christmas to me, John, is like a self-assessment tax return. It comes down once a year with the dread inevitability of a drunken car crashing into a bus stop. You always leave it to the last minute, it's runnously expensive, but it's always slightly more fun than you anticipate. Well, Merry Christmas, everyone.

Do you old scrooge? It's that most wonderful time of the year. Bad Christmas news, and we hear that UK Christmas dinners will produce the carbon footprint of 6,000 car journeys around the world. It will create 51,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide that's based on production, processing and the transportation costs of the ingredients. So when you're biting into your turkey on Christmas day, I hope you can't look a tree full in the leaf. The very least you can do before you tuck in is walk outside and apologize to a bush.

The very least you can do. John, is this problem not also applicable to any other meal of the year? Not just Christmas turkeys that drive 51 times around the world. I think it's more about the importation of stuff. I'd say like the cranberry sauce alone, which is normally imported from the North America region, contributes half of the carbon footprint related to transport.

And so, to combat that, Andy, I'm offering to smuggle your cranberry sauce this year about my person. There is a way to mitigate the carbon footprint of your Christmas dinner, and that is not to use any energy cooking the food. Just eat it all raw, turkey carpacio, yum and good for the environment. Our green piece have announced their intention to send out 5000 volunteers to break into people's houses in the middle of the night and chain themselves to your Christmas dinner. So if you wake up Christmas morning to see a scruffy man bolted to your turkey screaming

monster at you then you'll know what's going on. Just turn up the volume on the Christmas carols and eat around them. That's my advice. I'm afraid my dinner is even more catastrophic for the environment because it's an Oliver family tradition to have a roast polar bear for lunch. We don't even like it but you know it's tradition. This is a Christmas gift alert. The UK is to ban imitation samurai swords. I mean this is particularly bad news for me and it's not pretty much to get everyone imitation samurai swords every year. The reason being you can never have too many. Well you are from a long line of samurai. Worry is John. That's right. That's right people talking about you. That

is understandable. The Home Office Minister Vernon Vernon Coco said that in the wrong hands, Hammer Eye saws a dangerous weapon. Would you let that those words sink in from? I'd also just imagine how dangerous they would be if they were in the right hands of a skilled practitioner of samurai swordsmanship. No, that's not true. In the right hands, they are used to spread jam on your crumpets. That's what the samurai's were all about, toasted after afternoom snacks. You know nothing about Samarise, as we've established, I'm from that bloodline. Why the Samarise sword, Andy? This is yet another example of Britain losing its identity. What's wrong with the good old-fashioned imitation crossbow, the gentleman's weapon, or the quintessentially English sprawled sword, and his scalaba. How about the Queen's own painted numb chucks? I'm not sure about banning imitation weapons of any kind though those talking about banning imitation firearms but I think they really should

be encouraging the use of imitation firearms over actual firearms which are often far more dangerous and if only we could encourage all of the world's armies to use imitation guns and bombs, then maybe we would have peace this Christmas and that. After all, is what some of us want. Well, I mean, that is the clever twist that genuine samurai swords are still okay. It's the knock-offs that you can't have. That's lucky, because I have a samurai sword, but it is for private use in my own personal

blood grudges. I have to avenge the death of my ancestors, Andy. They're all dead. I suspect foul play. All of them are dead. I will track down the perpetrator. Further and further back in my family tree, Andy, there's more and more corpses. I will have my vengeance. What would you like for Christmas, John? I'd like a samurai sword. I thought you said you had one. I told you that you can't have too many. I wanted an imitation samurai sword because I love breaking the law in a petty way.

I guess they're like golf clubs though. They're all slightly different, aren't they? And you, although you're not allowed, I think the real samurai's aren't allowed more than 13 samurai swords in their bag at any one time. Yeah, one of them has to be a very lofty sword as well. Personally, these are things on my Christmas list. samurai swords in their bag at any one time. Yeah, and one of them has to be very lofted swords as well. Personally, these are things on my Christmas list. I would like a giant working replica of Nadia Commonech.

But it's got a bit at least 30 foot tall. I bet that in mind. I'd also like the power of life and death over the people of the Northern hemisphere. I'd like the world's largest watermelon. I would like the pancreas Titus. I'd like my old bin back from the people at 53. Stop settling scores. I'd like the Queen Mother back from the dead. Oh yeah true. We all want that. We all want that. Taken from us all so tragically early Andy. Other things I want to ride on a dolphin,

a trolley dash around the British Museum, a game of table tennis with Hillary Clinton, a Portuguese accent, and tell my daughter would like for Christmas, John. And that is a solution to the world's environmental crisis. And doesn't appear that she's getting it at the barley conference, it's being its usual obstructive self on climate change, still waiting to be convinced about the long-term economic and social benefits of saving the world, it seems. Yeah. And I guess until climate change has proven scientifically to have a likely major impact on the key swing states within four years, no president is really likely to do anything

about it. Interestingly, US and China signed a deal on the environment after a three-day conference in China. That's America and China, signing a deal on the environment. You might think that is the eco-equ Hitler and Stalin combining to set up a joint organization to promote ethnic minority communities. But I guess it's a step in the right direction, albeit a small step and probably in the wrong direction. Wow, an analogy of Hitler and Stalin to China or the US, isn't it? Let me distance myself

on that particular metaphor. That's a mix doubles match I'd love to see. Sure as you'd probably play Hitler at the net and Stalin with his big big serve, booming it down like Rodic. You know, he concentrated too much on his service game and not enough on not committing genocide. If you got a criticism of Stalin as a tennis player, that would be there. Thank you all for listening. We do hope you've enjoyed this compilation of the best of the Bugle stable. Now don't forget the Bugle and all of these other shows happen because you support us. If you want to keep the Bugle and its stable of shows free flourishing and independent,

go to the BuglePodcast.com and click the donate button.