The Commercial Break - Hinge Cringe
Episode Date: December 10, 2021Bryan shares some recent YouTube comments with Krissy. Seems that some people have triggered by Bryan getting triggered that then triggers more triggering on the show! Bryan gets a call from an old fr...iend who shares the worst ghosting story anyone has heard! Finally, Hinge has a new audio feature allowing users to send clips back and forth. Of Cours ether turns into a total shi*t show! Bryan and Krissy agree:It's a jungle out there in the single scene! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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In an effort to call attention to the homeless cat problem here in Krab Apple, WSHIT is
more than proud to present the second half of the 48-hour marathon, Pause Across Krab Apple.
And now, live in studio, we're so happy to welcome back to Krab Apple, Jonathan Pepple Bottom, as he's here to sing his
most famous song, a single that reached all the way to number 135,624 on the college alternative
charts. Why am I with you? Jonathan, it's your microphone, break a leg.
What have we done to the world? Look what we've done.
What have we done to the world? Look what we've done What about all the peace that you played your only son?
Did you ever stop to notice all the's crying at the sweeping shore. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah No one can sing that song like papal bottom, no one brings a tear to the eye every time.
We'll be back after this commercial break. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm is that there's not a bit of irony lost on this guy that when he's sitting around complaining about,
that's complaining.
He's like, I can't believe I wasted one fucking minute on this,
but you guys wasted hours and hours making that video.
Hours and hours, bro.
Even though at the cover of some break is all about.
Yeah, Chrissy and I are playing nothing.
We do this in a literally 95% of it is off the cup.
And he says, can you do me a favor? Would you mind running in the bathroom and seeing if anybody is there? And she was like do you think like the waitress was like do you think that these people like left on you?
He said I don't know. I don't know them very well. I'm the first time of meeting. Yeah, so
He actually said that he got everyone got so involved in this drama that the manager took off the appetizers because he felt so bad for my friends.
I bet everyone is like no way.
They couldn't believe it. coming from my upper jaw didn't go away until like seven weeks after my surgery
basically. Why would you say this? I was in the middle of murdering people when you
suddenly hinged me and now I have only cut off one of the six arms I have to cut off.
This guy is like, you're
instantaneous at getting a child. Now they're not a boy
front. You're getting a child. That was real too. Oh, yeah,
yeah, I'm sure it was real. He's probably hopped up on
pain medication.
The next episode of the commercial break starts now.
starts now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, is theatrics when these goals are scored. And so I got that anyway, welcome to the commercial break.
I'm Brian Green, this is Kristen Hothi and Best of You.
Best of You out there in the podcast,
and Best of You, Chrissy.
Best of You, Brian.
Best of You out there in the podcast.
You're welcome to yet another episode of The Commercial Break
recording here on a weekend,
which is not a typical MO for us,
but we've both got things to do.
I've got to go trudge my children down
to all the way to downtown Atlanta to take some
family fucking photographs.
Which I hate.
Here's a little secret about Brian Green.
From the age of 21 to the age of 30, when I got, when I had my first marriage, there
are probably six pictures of me at all.
Like, I mean, there are just almost no photographs.
Really after I left my parents' house, there's almost no photographs of me,
except for probably a couple of promotional photographs
for Jopper Johnson.
And some other random photos,
where I happen to be in someone else's photograph.
But none of me specifically,
because I hate taking photographs.
Which is-
I know, I'm not a big picture takeer either.
Yeah, which is probably why I chose podcasting rather than podcasting and why are YouTube channel
Actually speaking of YouTube I wanted to get in this a little bit
So our YouTube channel is actually actually kind of exploded a little bit. I say explode it
I mean we don't have
Exploded from two to four people now watching we can't get anybody to watch that fucking YouTube channel.
But I think I figured out a couple of things.
I think I figured out, I cracked the code a little bit
on what is interesting to watch.
So I was talking with some of our fans via text message
and a couple of them explained to me that
we listen on the podcast, we really don't want to watch it again.
Right, you know, sometimes it's interesting to go look
and see what you guys are doing during a particular segment
of the show, but I don't want to watch the entire, you know, sometimes it's interesting to go look and see what you guys are doing during a particular segment of the show, but I don't wanna watch the entire,
you know, the entire thing.
Our camera most definitely is sideways right now.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I adjusted it and now it's sideways again.
You see that?
Yeah, it's kinda kiddie, look over there.
Is it?
Yeah, definitely, it looks like it's on a slope.
Ha ha ha ha.
We are the worst YouTubers ever. Anyway, so he said listen, you know, that's why it's not particularly
I'm not I don't feel you know compulsive like I don't feel the compulsive need to go watch it on YouTube because I listen to it
That's the way I like to ingest the show number one makes sense number two
It's just you two talking like when you're doing these clips, there's no action going on
Yeah, so I started putting in the clips the video clips. I know. I'm glad you figured that out
I figured that out and now people are staying around for long period longer much longer periods of time and watching
Cool, but also we just have to start talking about controversial stuff like kid rocks fucking awful fucking video
Because man people get all riled up. Yeah, they got all riled up. I mean, I guess we're,
you know, just a bunch of lib
cards who drink oat milk now.
Because we said we didn't like
Kid Rocks video and Peru's gap,
baby gap baby gap. Yeah, I
Peru's baby gap to whack off to
and I drive my what was it?
Subaru. Yeah, and then I
defend oat milk drinking on
reddit.
It was a pretty clever like it was a clever. Yeah, he had a whole list of why you're bad. Why I'm a yeah, a crybaby fucking moron. You know, it's funny to me though, is that it's
there's not a bit of irony lost on this guy that when he's sitting around complaining
about complaining.
He's like, I can't believe I wasted one fucking minute on this,
but you guys wasted hours and hours making that video.
Hours and hours, bro, even though it
covered some records all about.
Yeah, Chrissy and I are playing nothing.
We do this literally 95% of it is off the cuff.
Yeah, so you don't know.
But it's just so funny that people get all worked up and then
they're going to work up. And actually, right. Yeah, they take the time to do a bunch of
research about it. I don't like them. They just get me like whatever. Yeah. So I figure
we just got to start doing more controversial videos. And then because whatever we did,
the algorithm car. Yeah. Now, now, now our videos seem to be getting a lot of traction. So I think
I've cracked the YouTube code. So stay tuned. And that reminds me that YouTube.com slash the
commercial break you can go and watch in the studio. I have a special playlist set up for it.
In the studio is where Chrissy and I take five to 10 minutes to talk about like kind of more timely
topics than we talk about here. Travis Scott and Astero world. We talked about Taylor Swift.
We talked about Pete and Kim.
We talked about Kid Rock shitty video.
Yeah.
We got a lot of positive feedback about our lib tartan.
So there you go.
I got the craziest phone call from a friend the other day.
Wow.
Yeah.
So Guy tells me he's single.
He's in his thirties.
He explains to me that he, I've talked to the guy in his thirties. He explains to me that he,
I've talked to the guy in a while,
but he's explaining to me that he went out on a date
in Tampa, Florida.
He hooked up with somebody on Tinder.
I think it was Tinder.
Hooks up with the girl.
They talk for like a month and a half.
The guy travels for work.
So he talks for like a month and a half
of this guy's traveling for work.
And then he decided that they're gonna meet
when he gets back to Tampa.
It's all excited about this.
He's been texting with the girl off this off app for a long time,
right? And they're texting back and forth. He says it's the kind of thing where like you
wake up in the morning, you say, Hey, are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really exciting.
You've got a connection. You do. So he's all excited about this first meet Friday night.
Let's meet down at the bar and then maybe we'll go and have some dinner or whatever. So seven o'clock, let's just assume seven o'clock, whatever time rolls around, he's going to
meet this girl at the bar. She texts, hey, unfortunately, I'm running late. I cannot meet you at the bar.
Would you just like to meet in an hour or we'll meet for dinner? Okay. Sure. Why not? Understand
it. Understand. Gotcha. 10, 4. He has a a drink He goes to the restaurant down the street goes walk to the restaurant down the street and she is there
Already okay good with good yes, at least she showed up right?
I was afraid she was there with her best friend
her mom
And her sister what yeah, and this and my friend had no clue
I have no idea that this was gonna happen first meeting a first meeting with mom sister the fan and my friend had no clue. I had no idea that this was gonna happen. A first meeting.
A first meeting with mom, sister, and best friend.
Okay, everybody that was maybe gonna like approve of him.
I don't know, so he gets there
and without much explanation,
she just says, hey, you know,
oh my gosh, I can't believe we met.
Hey, this is my mom, this is my sister,
and this is my best friend,
without ever addressing the fact
that we never talked about your mom.
And, but he decides to roll with it.
That's good.
He likes her.
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
So he sits down and he has dinner.
And everybody has dinner.
Nice restaurant.
Everybody has dinner, four courses, the whole nine yards.
Everyone has drinks, every appetizer's dinner,
you know, dessert, soup, whatever the hell. So at one point in the dinner, the mom gets up and excuses
herself to go to the restroom and the sister goes with her. But it's been like 10 minutes
and no one and they don't come back. But he doesn't really think much of this because he's more focused on the on the girl
Right, he's probably like good. They're gone. Yeah, yeah, he's now we can all see the best friend hanging around but they're good
so then at some point the girl's best friend says where's your mom and your sister? We should probably go check on it
and
The girl the state is like oh oh yeah, it's weird.
They've been gone for almost 20 minutes.
We'll go check on them. We'll be right back.
None of them come back to the table.
None of them.
He had to pay for a meal for all four of the people
that sat down and ate the dinner.
And none of them came back.
He got ghosted by an entire family of people
that never said a word.
That's crazy.
Is that not completely fucked?
And this girl, like now her phone is off.
She's blocked.
He can't even get a hold of her.
Wow.
And she's not available on the app.
I have never heard that one.
Haven't heard it ever.
It was so I couldn't believe to hear't believe the story as I was hearing it.
Yeah.
I'm like, are you serious?
Like, you went in there.
That is happening.
She brought her entire fucking family and friends.
You had to foot the bill because no one showed back up
after they went to the restroom.
I can't believe that.
He was like, Brian, I'm not, I'm not exaggerating one
word. That's exactly what happened. You can't face that up. You don't want to make
that much. You look like a shithead. So he ended up paying like $280 for this meal. Plus
tip, he ended up paying $280 for this meal for this girl and her mom, supposedly, her
mom and her sister and her friend. And they never came back to the table That's an elaborate scheme to get a free dinner. He was like I went to the seven stages of grief as I was sitting there
At first he thought well, I hope mom and sister are okay, right where did they go?
Then he
As like you know 10 minutes past he thought to himself should I go check?
Sure, should I go send them yeah, so can he And so he's starting to slowly gotta come to the realization that everybody at the
table just got up and left and I'm the only one here. And it's been 10 minutes for my
date and 30 minutes for the mom and the sister and no one has returned. So at one point he
got the waitress and he, the waitress was like, oh, you know, do you want me to box up
whatever was left on the table? You mean it box up their
dessert or, and he says, can actually, can you do me a favor? Would you mind running
in the bathroom and seeing if anybody is there? And she was like, do you think, like the
waitress was like, do you think that these people like left on you? He said, I don't know,
I don't know them very well.
That's the first time of meeting. Yeah. So, he actually said that he got,
everyone got so involved in this whole drama
that the manager took off the appetizers
because he felt so bad for my friends.
I bet, I've got it like no way.
They couldn't believe it.
And he said to me, he goes, Brian, I am sure,
that within 15 seconds of this girl going into the bathroom
and realizing that no one was there,
that everyone had left, that the entire wait staff
and all the bartenders and all the managers knew.
And you know she was like,
you were never gonna blow what just happened
to the guy at my table.
He just got ghosted by four people.
Yeah.
Family.
Dating is the fucking worst in 2021.
Can you believe that? It is? I cannot believe it hot and let's it's kind of like how do you follow up with that?
What are you gonna do call the cops? Yeah, you met this girl in the date. What did she look like?
Okay, maybe you can figure out what she looks like, but you have no real information on her
You just have this tinder, but then he says as soon as as soon as he realized what was going on
He texted her hey is everything okay. Where are you right this you've been got at this point she'd been gone for like 30 minutes
And instantaneously it says you know a message not delivered
And then he got on the app and her profile was gone and so he's he knew that's that's completely
And so he's he knew that's completely
That is like pig fucking pig fuckery. That is so shitty of someone to do poor guy
Poor guy. How do you how's he gonna recover from this? I don't know you're gonna have trust issues after that He's a handsome gentleman too, and he's just kind of had like a you know like a lot of people
He's kind of down on his luck when it comes to relationships. Hey, that's a good commitment either
a lot of people, he's kind of down on his luck when it comes to relationships. He's not so good at commitment either.
I mean, he does cheat a lot.
I'm not giving your name away.
Don't worry, my friend.
I'm not giving your name away, but he's not the most faithful guy.
Okay.
But otherwise, he's, you know, other than all the cheating stuff, he's a really nice guy
to date in case anybody's interested.
He's a handsome gentleman.
He makes a good living.
He's smart.
He's independent.
Like, he's got a lot of shit going for him in the right direction.
He just happens to get ghosted by entire families and people.
I pay back university graduation.
Yeah, maybe, maybe I think I would have addressed right away.
Hey, it's so nice to meet everybody.
I hadn't really expected everyone was coming to dinner.
Yeah.
Right?
I would have, I think I would have sussed that out right at the beginning
because I would have sensed that something was off.
Right.
Like you and I made these plans for a month.
We were waiting to meet each other.
Yeah.
So like come together and talk about what you're going to do.
Absolutely.
And you and I know each other.
Absolutely.
And then when things are completely different than you had expected,
wouldn't you just kind of make, wouldn't you say something?
I would have said something. Yeah, I think I would have too. Like, exactly like what you said,
oh my god, I didn't expect to be the whole family, but hey, hey, and how is everybody? Yeah,
so what happened? So why are you guys here? Did you guys have dinner plans? I would have kind
of dug in a little bit just to get, just to see what the responses were. Because I mean, I don't know, maybe my spidey senses are a
little different than some people's, but I just if someone if that presented
with the same situation, I would have definitely had my weird dar would have
went off. I would have been like, this is really strange. Why are we all here
eating? Yeah. Or I would have pulled her aside or texted her under the table.
Like, hey, why are you bringing your parent? You know, why are you bringing your
fucking mom to our first date?
So strange.
Hey everybody, it's the commercial break inside of the commercial break.
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I was thinking around the internet, as I do.
And just on the back of this conversation,
I wanted to see what the newest, latest,
greatest dating trends were.
Okay.
What I figured out, or what I'm hearing,
what the scuttle butt is around the internet,
is that hinge, which is a popular dating app.
That has like nine and a half million active users or maybe more.
Okay.
And they have added a new feature rather than text back and forth with somebody like on their app,
rather than I am with them. You can now send them a voice message of 30 seconds.
And so it's called like a hinge audio or something, right?
I call it hinge cringe, though, quite frankly, because some of the things that these people
say are ridiculous.
But if you don't know how to get the conversation started, hinge will prompt you.
It will give you a prompt.
It'll be like, you know, your biggest secret or thing food you like most, song that you sing the best.
Okay, yeah, it'll give you a conversation, starter, correct.
And you can imagine how well this has gone down.
It's just, I'm sure.
There's a huge TikTok craze now of taking your cringy hinge audio,
your cringed hinge audio, your cringe hinge audio, and putting it online
on TikTok and embarrassing the shit out of people when they do stupid stuff.
That is hilarious.
I can't believe it.
You will not believe how much time I spent on TikTok the other day going through these
videos and finding audio appropriate for this, for our show.
Would you like to hear, of course you would like to hear?
Of course.
I could not build up.
I could not build up.
Some of the hinge cringe.
Are you ready?
It's cringe.
Okay, now remember, some people are being prompted,
other people are just kind of doing their own thing.
Okay, so.
They think they're being clever.
They think they're being clever,
but I can, almost all of these are cringe, ready?
Okay, I'm just gonna let these speak for themselves.
I'm not gonna do a lot of talking before, ready?
Here we go.
Hiking and tacos are not personalities.
If I was impressed by someone that hikes or eats tacos,
I would literally date 101% of humans.
I would date anyone because everyone likes tacos.
And hiking is like a very basic activity.
So I need to know more.
I'm gonna lose it.
I'm gonna lose it.
Please no more guacamole tacos hiking stuff.
Everybody likes tacos.
Everybody likes tacos.
True story.
And hiking is a very basic activity.
Yeah, you can, everybody can hike if you got, you know,
even if you don't have two legs, you can feel,
I'm trying to say anybody with two legs.
And even if you don't have two legs,
you can still hike.
This girl is pissed.
Yeah.
So she was saying that too.
She was saying that to a guy.
Yeah.
So I thought he wrote about the tacos and the hike.
She was like, no, tacos is not a personality trait.
I need to know what that was.
Tell me about yourself.
I like tacos.
She's right about that.
It's not a thing. That's not a personality trait. Who cares if you like yourself. I like tacos. That's, she's right about that. It's not a thing.
That's not a personality trade. Who cares if you like tacos? Everybody like tacos.
It's like, mmm, air.
I'd be glit with through my mouth. Strange. Interest thing. That is very unique.
A lot of people do like to do a sing song, e-bull shit on here.
A lot of people like to sing songs.
That's a thing.
OK, let's go into this one.
OK.
Here's the thing. We started out, friends. It was cool, but it was all protected. Yeah, yeah.
Since you've been gone.
Yeah, I should give his mouth shut.
Oh, well, will he maybe just try to be different?
Stand out from the crowd.
It's hard to tell. It's hard to tell whether it is a generation, these younger kids, was he maybe just trying to be different? Stand out from the crowd.
It's hard to tell.
It's hard to tell whether, is it generation,
these younger kids, or is it just a generation
of such fucking smartasses?
Oh, yeah.
And they're all of the internet culture.
So it's hard to tell if something is, you know,
like a,
And everybody thinks they can sing.
A four-chand joke.
Yeah.
Everyone thinks they can sing.
That's right.
That's when we learned from American Idol.
That's everybody thinks they can sing. And most people get on. when we learned from American Idol. Everybody thinks they can sing.
And most people get on.
Right.
And I include myself in that bunch, by the way.
And I was in a band.
Yeah.
With a record label.
Wow.
But yeah, that again, you don't have to.
That's true.
Yeah, that's true.
Got the pipes I just done how to use them.
Here's a rather strange confession by somebody on a first date.
Now let me explain her profile, because I think that'll help this.
Her profile, she is a, I don't know how to say this,
a stripper, obviously, she's in the back of a strip joint.
You can tell she's like an addressing room of a strip joint.
She's wearing a glittery silver string bikini.
And I mean string bikini, I mean string bikini, right?
And she has tattoos all over the bottom half of her body.
Okay.
So I guess I don't want to say trashy stripper because I think that's not,
I don't want to come across like a dick, but you know, maybe,
maybe trashy stripper.
Trashy stripper, I'm just going to go for it.
Like I'm worried about what I'm going say on this. Yeah, this is her profile
Her profile picture some of the people put there are the profile pictures of the people that they are getting these audios from
Now most people have the the good common sense to either kind of like black out their eyes and their name
But some people don't they actually put their full profile picture
Which I think is kind of dickish actually no matter I, unless you're getting comments about rape or something like that, if you're
just getting a stupid audio message, don't put their profile picture in their name up
there.
Don't be a dick.
Yeah.
I mean, I understand you get some funny video put it out there, but cut off their head
or something, you know, don't put their whole name up there.
So I was born with like a really small,
little third nipple and I was also in school
and my family was religious.
So we talked about a lot of like different religious
events that happened throughout history.
And we were talking about the sale of witch trial
and they were talking about how if you have a witch's tit
and it's like a third nipple and if you poke it with needle
and it doesn't bleed, then you're a witch
and I put the needle in it didn't bleed.
So I literally thought I was like a real life witch for like five years.
My formative adolescence.
Of my formative ambulance.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Way to real in there.
The people.
Well I'm sold.
Let's get married.
You're a dream.
Yeah.
I was gonna fly you to Paris right now.
That's someone you bring to the Queen right there.
I'm a third nipple.
I knew I knew a girl with a third nipple one time.
Yeah, I didn't date her.
I mean, I never saw it.
Was she a witch?
She was a bitch.
She didn't know if she was a witch.
But she wasn't the sweetest of human beings. I'll say that much.
Here's a guy who I, yeah, you tell me.
Okay, you should not go up.
Hey, Mikey.
Hey, Drake, what's going on?
Oh, nothing much.
It's a bachelor night.
You told us we got to the bachelor tonight.
Sorry, Drake, I'm just in the middle.
I'm doing a little bit of recording. Can you wait a little bit?
Oh, but Kanye West came and he said he was so excited to see you.
He had so much fun last weekend. Hurry up. Okay. Oh shit. I'm running out of time. Just
give me one second. I'm almost done. Bad bad bad bad bad bad. You hey hinge you should
not go out with me. Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. Do not go out with me. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Do not do. Do not go out with me. Period.
Job it right there.
Yeah.
That is bad, bad, bad, bad.
That was really bad.
Sketch comedy right there.
Yeah, Drake is, I don't know what he is.
Is he a gay?
I'm gay.
He can't gay.
And Drake is not.
They're going to watch Batsler together.
I'm not sure what was going on there,
but I think that's a, I think he ought to rethink that one.
Yeah, you do not have a future at Saturday Night Live.
Or maybe you do have a future at Saturday Night Live. Or maybe you do have a future
at Saturday Night Live, given the current state of Saturday Night Live. Here's another
guy who I think just needs to shut his mouth. Liner.
Really. I went through a very painful and jaw surgery on the 21st of June. I had a
lot of pain after surgery, but I was given a lot of pain medications,
and the pain coming from my upper jaw didn't go away
until like seven weeks after my surgery, basically.
Why would you say this?
I was in the middle of murdering people when you suddenly
hinged me and now I have only cut off one of the six arms.
I have to cut off the sky.
This guy is like, yeah, you're instantaneous
at getting a child.
Now that you're not a boy, you're getting a child.
I was real too.
Oh yeah, yeah, I'm sure it was real.
He's probably hopped up on pain medication.
When you're already drama puking on somebody,
you're already, you're a painful surgery.
Don't tell people about your full shit at the right
off the beginning.
You gotta give, you got it, that's like a six to eight weeks in.
You got a little misty.
You got a little misty.
You got to seem like you got your shit put together.
Right, at least seem like it.
I had a hang nail last night. It kept me
up all night. I couldn't get the covers kept on catching my hang nail. Oh, you want
to go out on Tuesday. That's so weird. So weird. It's strange. I mean, it sounds like a guy
we used to know. That's true. You know I'm talking about, yeah, you know I'm talking about,
that's how he would approach a first date. That's probably true.
Oh, I had one of my testicles heard.
Yeah.
I got to head a, I'm not really sure why.
You still want to go out.
That was bad.
Yeah, that was bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Don't throw up your bullshit on someone in the first, I'd say six to eight weeks that
you're dating them. We're talking 30 seconds.
The first 30 seconds.
I know.
You didn't even get the poor girl a fucking chance to understand who you were.
You're already complaining about your damn jaw.
Take some more perk as said and chill out.
Seriously.
I mean, don't do that.
Don't drama puke on somebody.
But when you're trying to woo them, exactly.
Think that's the problem.
There's no wooing.
Yeah, there's no wooing going on.
I think that part of the problem,
even with people my age,
I think this all started with gen-exers, right?
All of us.
I think part of the problem is,
is that we feel so entitled
and that everybody else,
that our story is so unique
and that we need to,
and everyone needs to hear about our dramatic lives
in order to gain some sympathy
or some understanding or some perspective.
The truth is, no one really wants to hear your bullshit.
Now, in less,
everybody's worried about themselves.
Yeah, everybody's worried about themselves.
Everyone's got their own thing.
You're not entitled to any more empathy than the next guy.
And you're really coming across like a, like you're already a child.
Yeah. So any normal woman or guy whoever you're really coming across like a like you're already a child. Yeah. So any normal woman or guy whoever you're talking to would go, I don't want to take care of
this dude.
Like I don't want to have a baby on my head.
That's right.
He must have passed that.
So just chill out.
You know, your drama is not any more dramatic than anyone else's drama.
No one wants to hear it.
Here's a little secret about life that I've learned.
No one really wants to hear you talk.
They love to talk about themselves,
but not anybody else.
Why do you think I talk on this podcast so much?
It's because my wife won't listen to me anymore.
And do you have your best friend, Chrissy Will?
So my best friend, Chrissy Will.
And even she doesn't.
She's admitted.
She tunes out for most of the show.
She's thinking about getting a look.
It's just parts of it.
Yeah, cool, cool. Just the parts where you're talking, Ryan.
You're the mother.
I love it.
I love it too.
You'd be so fucking lucky if Dana just saw it swipe right on you.
The idea that Dana would swipe right on you,
and if you have become a match brother brother
brother blood to black think about it what you're you're fucking one and a
million chance you might done fuck it up was he saying that for he's saying that
for Dana right so it's Dana's. Dana's spitting back at somebody.
And it's rather than Dana answering the question,
Dana's like repeating what her,
listen to her in the background.
She sounds like a fucking hammering llama. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, thought, the idea that Dana would swipe right on you,
and if you have become a match, brother, brother, brother,
blog to blog, think about it.
You fucking won an a million change.
Or higher matter or something like that.
There are on something.
You should see Dana.
Dana's a rather attractive human being, right?
And so, uh.
Everybody would be lucky.
Yeah.
Yes, they would actually do this guys right.
Fuck to fuck.
You would be lucky if you have died of Dana.
That's why I tried on you.
But we know people like this, too.
They hide behind other people's opinions of them, right?
It's like, Dana, speak for yourself. Come on. And don't stand there back there, gamm around
like a fucking parrot. No matter how hot Dana was, I think I would have swiped left going.
I don't want, yeah, I'm now I want to deal with friends busting my balls. Come on. I've
had updated girls like this, like where the friends are overly protective of everything
that happens and they ended up, you know, I'm a dickhead just because I came into this person's life
and they're not going to change their mind at all. And I, I, you know, this woman, you know,
this woman, in all of her friends, disliked me because I'm sure they wanted to get in her pants,
right? It's like, come on, guys, I'm a dick because why? Because you like her more than I do. I don't know. Stop it.
Stop it.
Yeah.
You want to date someone who's just a little crazy.
It's like putting salt on your food.
You need a little bit to add some flavor and make things
interesting and spice it up.
If you have too much salt on your food, well, then you
can't eat the thing.
Maybe you're up all night.
Maybe it makes you sick and you're paying for it for days. If you have no salt on your food, well then your meal's just
boring. So just like a little bit of salt, I want a little bit of crazy, and if that's you,
feel free to apply. I feel free to apply. What if I couldn't have jumped Well, first of all, I hate the analogy.
And second of all, I don't know anybody that's put too much salt
on their food and ended up sick for days.
Yeah, I keep you up all night.
You put a lot of salt on your fucking food.
To salt keep you up all night, I'm not sure.
I don't know.
Never has for me anyway.
It's a bad analogy.
First of all, second of all, you don't want a little crazy.
You don't want any crazy.
Just trust me on this one.
The little crazy is always means there's more behind there. Yeah. You may think you want a little crazy, you don't want any crazy. Just trust me on this one. The little crazy is always means there's more behind there.
Yeah, you may think you want a little spice, but when you get involved, I don't know,
I'm sure there are people who really enjoy the drama of the relationship.
Maybe I shouldn't talk.
I was going to say, like you never dated anybody crazy.
Not to the time.
Okay, you're ready.
Ready. Here we go.
I've never been much of a green flag connoisseur.
I've always been much more of a red flag kind of guy.
And I just want to treat you with kindness.
And I want that kindness to be met with fear and skepticism.
And doubt.
You've never had a good guy before.
It's another joke, sir.
And hopefully you'll let me battle against all of your past traumas
that you haven't healed from in a fight that I can never win.
Also, if you could be crazy,
that would be really great as well.
Oh, that's another guy asking for crazy.
The hell's going on with you, kids.
Well, first of all, a joke or you're not.
Yeah, you know, no Dave Chappelle. No. Are you, my friend? You need the, you try first of all, a joke or you're not. You know, no Dave Chappelle, are you, my friend.
You should have wrapped something in a joke there, I get it.
But it's not very good.
It's trying to be sarcastic.
Yeah, it's sounding like a really, like a dork.
Yeah, like a dork who doesn't understand what dating is all about.
See.
I think this is-
I feel some wisdom coming up.
You feel some wisdom coming up. I feel Brian
About to laugh some knowledge. You know how the idiot they go oh, I go dumb
Here comes some dumb
DOOM! Hahaha.
Yes, we're gonna start doing that.
Yes, DOOM!
Brian's wisdom.
Ding!
He's to have like a bell, little like.
Ding!
A little one of those little wisdom bowls where you hit it and make a noise.
Yeah, so my kids broke it.
I don't know, my kids broke it. They take everything off my table.
I just, I can't have anything nice around here.
I'm wrong, my kids take everything. Here's what I table. I just, I can't have anything nice around here. I roll my kids take everything.
Here's what I was going to say, which I almost forgot.
So I'm gonna say it before my old man brain goes away.
I think the kids today,
like comedy is a strength.
We already talked about this.
Comedy is a strength.
Comedy is a sexy attribute.
If you can do it well and
Anybody can be funny. Any everybody has a sense of humor and anybody can be funny to the right person under the right circumstances True, but to get that right in 30 seconds is really difficult
Especially with somebody that you don't know yeah, and so rather than trying to force an odd joke in there
Why don't you just try and come up with something original
that's like not trying to force a punchline in there, right?
Just be yourself and talk to somebody.
So I might have approached that,
or don't try and make the entire 30 seconds a joke.
The punchline's way too long there, right?
So I might have approached it by saying,
I'm actually not a red flag guy, I'm a green flag guy,
I'm much rather look at the positives
rather than the negatives.
And I know we've all had passed traumas
before in our relationships.
And so I'm sure that we're gonna have to work together
to get through that.
And maybe you wanna start next Tuesday night
on my couch with the Netflix.
There you go.
And that's how you do it, right?
That is.
The punchline needs to be quick.
It doesn't need to be the whole joke.
Maybe you need to put your services out there.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
I'd love to.
Yes.
And say, you know, it could be an option like higher,
Brian.
How higher Brian for your first app?
To hear messages.
Yeah.
Guys.
Singing.
The brand new TCB idea.
Patreon.
The break room, clubhouse,
fireside, stickers, brand new car.
Here's the squaddie body.
Here's $1,000 for liking our Facebook page.
Our brand new idea, oh, we should add a drum roll.
Ryan will do your hinge audio for you.
That's right.
For $5 a pop, I will do your hinge audio for your. That's right. For $5 a pop. I will do your hinge audio for you your 30 second hinge audio
Call me up. Tell me what tell me the general in just of what you want to get across and I'll make sure it comes across
I think it's a good idea. Okay, so my idea was ready if we're if we
Accord let's take this guys 30 second audio and let's rephrase it. Yeah, I agree
You know what?
I don't like to look at red flags.
I'd rather look at green flags.
I'm kind of a glass half full kind of guy.
So I'd rather look at the positives
about a relationship rather than a negative.
And I know we're all gonna carry some trauma
into the next relationship.
It's just the way that life goes.
You're always gonna carry some baggage onto the next flight.
But we'll work through it together.
Next Tuesday night on my couch with some Netflix.
Yeah.
And a condom.
There you go.
Because I'm a safe guy.
Okay, now let's listen to what Jim said.
I've never been much of a green flag, connoisseur.
I've always been much more of a red flag kind of guy.
I mean, connoisseur.
And I just want the treat you with kindness.
Yeah, don't use that.
And I want that kindness to be met with fear and skepticism and doubt.
You've never had a good guy before.
And hopefully you'll let me battle against all of your past traumas that you haven't
healed from in a fight that I can never win.
Also if you could be crazy, that would be really great as well.
Yeah, that is entirely too much talking going on there.
She just thinks you're a dork now, dude.
She's like, oh, obviously.
The first part of it didn't even make sense.
I'm a connoisseur.
I'm a connoisseur of red flags.
I'm a connoisseur of red flags.
Next, swipe left.
Yeah, for sure.
Okay, here's another one.
Let's see if we can get Brian's new hinge audio services
on this next guy.
Yeah, my greatest strength is going down on a woman.
And if you let me go down on you, this is what it'll sound like. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, weird, that is gross, that is nasty. No one wants to hear that ear, and it's not funny.
Is the worst part about it.
Is that you're trying to be funny,
but there is nothing funny about that hinge audio.
Nothing.
All that went on for way too long.
Yeah.
So weird.
So here, let me give you my five minute,
let me give you my hinge audio services.
Ready?
Hi, my name is Tom Tom and I should be immediately banned from this application.
My name is Tom.
Here's how I eat a pancake.
Yeah, here's how I eat a pancake
Man cookie monster
It's so bad Really bad. That's the worst we've heard yet. Yeah, all right. Ready. Here's another one
a male honey bee
Or a random fact that I love is a random fact that I love is that a male honey bee
is a red effect that I love is that a male honey bee, a male honey bee, whatever he ejaculates, ejaculates.
A ejaculation is so strong that it's...
What is happening to the background?
This ejaculation is so strong that it explodes his dick and I think that's how it will
wake you up. This dick and I think that's how
Okay, bro you need Brian's five you need Brian's hinge audio services immediately
Brand new for provocacore 3000 it's Brian's hinge audio services in 30 second bites $5 beast go
Audio now
Dude that was
Terrible terrible all those people in the background, what are they doing?
Why are they involved?
Are they buzzing?
Yeah, they're just drunken in the background.
They're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Nothing like getting that much.
Yeah.
You're about your drunk friends talking about a big explosion.
You want to be sexy about that.
Here's how you do it.
I give it to a spray.
I think you're so hot. I'm going to be like a bumblebee when we get in the bed. My dick's gonna explode
Okay, that was what that was not better. No, you know
I gave that one what that was not better. No, you know, that was a better. No, okay. You can do something that was more like sweet like something about a bee and honey and attraction.
I I've always felt like you get more bees with honey than you do with vinegar and like the B my dick is gonna
Okay, okay, so I don't think I still got it ready I
Have always felt like honey is the best love making a koo trim on
I'll put some honey on your nipples then my dick will explode
Yeah, there we go, we got it, okay, all right ready
I've always felt that your vagina is like a bee hive. I want to come in there and then let my dick explode
I'm like a bee because you got me buzzing. Watch my dick explode.
I know.
You can't get away from the dick exploding.
It doesn't work.
Damn it.
Okay, hold on.
Going back in time now.
I think we should hold on.
Let's see here.
I went through a very painful Chal surgery on the 21st of June.
I had a lot of pain after surgery,
but I was given a lot of pain medications.
And the pain coming from my upper jaw
didn't go away until like seven weeks after my surgery, basically.
Huh. Why eight seven weeks after my surgery, basically?
Huh.
I had a jaw surgery the other day, and as they were putting me under,
I took one last look at your hinge profile.
And I said to myself,
man, my dick's getting swollen!
Take my spoon! I had to hear it. It is.
Yeah, that is the classic.
That is classic.
We're now going to use everything.
But what we'll want to just use this.
Oh, that one's a good one.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
but soon we're going to use this.
My dick's going to explode. Maybe use is my dick's gonna explode
Maybe that is the dick exploded. Oh, maybe that
This guy is crazy. I feel bad for these kids today and all this him shit man. That's it's terrible It's so complicated and you have to try and guess and the other person's thinking or meant or what yeah
And with with audio like that is like you've really not gotten yourself any closer
to understanding anybody,
but it's not with one of us.
I was actually on, and I don't think I would want to use this.
No, you can turn it off, by the way.
You can turn it off, you don't have to use it,
but there are plenty of people that aren't using it
for pure entertainment purposes.
It's ridiculous.
This is a hot, this is a diff guys.
I understand this is a difficult time to grow up
and try and meet somebody.
There's a lot of complicated things that weren't around
when I was in my early 20s.
It was either you met somebody at a bar,
you met somebody through a friend,
that was there were dating sites around,
and maybe match.com had an app in my mid to late 20s.
But it was just getting started.
Yeah, I was just getting started
and all of those online dating services were for old people.
Like, you know, when I was in my 20s,
you didn't use a dating app, you went out to the bar.
That's what you did.
You went out to the bar, you hung out with friends,
you met the party, you somebody hooked you up with somebody,
that's how, or you met somebody at work,
that's how things went.
And it was all very organic.
It didn't feel so forced.
The truth is, you are really in complicated situation
where you gotta try and figure out how to,
you know, make your dick explode.
Right.
And then there's like the profile
and you don't know what's true and what's not.
That's just catfishing and all this stuff.
And then even if somebody puts the real picture on there,
it's likely you're getting the best photographs
that they ever had.
So how do you ever really know?
That's another chief complaint amongst some of my friends that are single.
And they do it too, by the way.
I've seen their profile pictures that they're putting their best foot forward too.
Of course you are.
If you have a chance, you're putting your best foot forward.
The issue for them, they go and they swipe right.
And it's the best photograph this girl has ever taken.
The best photograph this guy has ever taken. The best photograph this guy has ever taken.
So all everybody's hot, basically.
But then you meet him in real person
and that's not a true representation of who they are.
They're 30 pounds heavier, they're four pounds,
they're four years older, they're two kids later
or whatever it is.
And that's why I think quite frankly,
I think the premise of Tinder may be broken a little bit.
Looks are certainly a part of an initial attraction, for sure without a doubt.
But there is an X factor that you can't add into Tinder, and that is the pheromone factor.
You can't add that into Tinder and you never will be able to.
When you meet somebody in person, there is raw magnetic attraction that happens because
God and the universe has put some chemistry
in the air called pharaohmones.
And-
Yeah, and like the inflection and the voice.
Yeah, that's the way that they talk
and the body language.
The body language.
How many beers you've had of all that stuff
you can replicate on Tinder, right?
And I feel bad for you because that's, you don't meet out.
Yeah, I've been to bars.
I mean, not in a while, but I've been to bars
and you can see that they're, the younger generation,
they're all on their phone.
They're literally at the bar on their Tinder.
Yeah.
Guys, look around.
There's a bunch of people right here.
You guys could match each other right here.
I think you can do that.
Yeah, you get with you.
I think we oughta try and do like little match game here on the commercial break.
A love connection type thing here on the commercial break.
I don't want the liability if something goes really wrong, but maybe we should cook up
away in season three that we can do a dating game live here on and see if we can put a couple
of single swingers together and get it done.
What do you think?
I like that idea.
I love the commercial break match.
The commercial break match game.
Yeah.
Coming in season three.
All right, a couple more weeks left before the end of season two.
And we're super excited about season number three.
New studio, new logo, new all kind of shit
super excited. So stay tuned for that, but I just you know here we are still stuck in season two the never ending season it feels like
We've done like 112 episodes. We've done a full year. Oh, yeah, that's true
We've done a full year. What was a first episode was 139, I think was the first episode of the season.
So, and then we started two episodes very quickly in the new year.
So, we've done almost a hundred episodes this year.
Wow.
And more, really, I'm not air.
Well, I might put a couple of the lost episodes.
I think you should.
During the Christmas break, I might do like one episode and put the best of the lost episodes
Because just because they're bad in general doesn't mean that every bit of them is bad. They're still some funny
Yeah, and just because they're generally offensive doesn't mean that every bit of it is offensive some of them are
Some of them I don't know what we were thinking. I don't know how we thought that topic was ever gonna be not offensive
Man, I'll give you an idea of what what it was
Men a women that dress up like children and have there
Yeah, I was wrong. We got like 20 men. I didn't know I didn't know
It felt funny when I was watching the clip, but then when we started talking about it
I was I thought to myself. I don't know how we make this funny.
No, no.
Because it's really creepy and weird.
Just guys that want to get off on,
whatever you get.
That anyway, let me get all the other stuff.
YouTube.com slash the Thalcommercial break
is where you go to check out our brand new series
in the studio where Chrissy and I take five to 10 minutes
to talk about a timely topic.
Travis Scott Astral, World, Taylor Swift,
Re-Recording Songs, Pete and Kim K. Dating,
and most recently, Kid Rock.
Yeah.
Which, you know, go there, read the comments.
That'll be fun for the whole family.
Some of those comments, YouTube won't even let them, like they,
I don't care, if you comment, comment whatever you're gonna comment.
I'm not gonna censor anybody on my channel.
But a couple of them won't go through, like they won't. Yeah, YouTube is censoring them you're gonna comment, I'm not gonna censor anybody on my channel.
But a couple of them won't go through, like they won't.
Yeah, you do be censored.
I guess so, I'm not really sure,
I don't know how that works, but.
Maybe they're like, you know,
they've been flagged as a troll.
Possibly, yeah.
Or they've said certain words,
like, you know, libdard or oat milk.
Maybe they're dick exploded, maybe that's what happened.
So youtube.com slash the little commercial break.
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Happy holidays, everyone.
Merry Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
All the other stuff.
Festivist, Festivist.
Yeah, a crampus.
Crampus.
Oh yeah.
Crampus.
Did you know that in Japan, eating chicken, fried chicken on Christmas is a national tradition?
It's a thing.
Kentucky Fried Chicken on Christmas Day.
That is their national...
Wow.
We're gonna do weird holiday traditions.
Yeah.
Yeah, it does make it easy, doesn't it?
That's kind of funny.
They eat Kentucky Fried Chicken and we eat Chinese food.
Go figure. That's that of funny. They eat Kentucky fried chicken and we eat Chinese food. Go figure out of that work.
Anyway, what else can we do today?
I think that's it too.
I love you.
Best to you.
Best to you.
Best to you out there on the podcast universe.
Until next time, we always say with a bunch of love
and affection in our heart.
Bye.
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Each episode is written and produced by Brian Green, co-hosted by
Chrissy Holtley, with additional content provided by Tina Cano. You you