The Commercial Break - It's Sunday... Spare Me The B.S.

Episode Date: June 10, 2020

The Bits: Bryan visits therapy to discuss his "small numbers". The Show: Krissy and Bryan swap stories about sneaking out their childhood homes. Don't forget to rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode! Text us or leave us a voicemail at +1-661-BEST2YO ([phone]) LINKS: Get a FREE TCB limited edition collectible sticker Follow us on Instagram Subscribe and watch the show on Youtube Join us live on Fireside New episodes every Tuesday & Friday everywhere you listen to podcasts! For advertising contact AdvertiseCast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi Brian, it's good to see you again. Welcome back to therapy. Hey Dr. Tammy, good to see you too. Well, it's your hour, just go ahead and do what you want with it. Honestly, I'm in a bit of crisis mode. I am freaking out just a little bit. Wow, this sounds so serious, you've seen so tense and shaken. Does this have to do with your mother? Are you having flashbacks again? I know your childhood memories of your mother dressing you up as a cabbage patch doll for school

was really bothering you. I mean, that's definitely coming back up for me. I don't know why my mother thought I had to dress up for the first day of high school. The curly red wig and the painted freckles, it's just all burned into my psyche. Well, I mean, I can understand how that would be traumatic. But it does have to do with the middle school thing.

I understand that was also an incredibly painful experience. You don't say. Of course it was. If you were voted most likely to need the odorant, you'd be fucking traumatized, too. Are you laughing? Are you actually laughing? No, who me? I was sneezing. I think it was the sneeze. Okay, listen, can we be serious for one second? I feel like I really need your help this week, though. Well, that's an understatement, you might need a lobotomy.

Listen, I've just been really stressed, it's been almost two months, we've been doing this podcast and only a few people have listened. Okay, don't be dramatic, when you say a few, how many do you mean? Two doctor, two listens. Wait, your wife, your parents, three brothers, don't you have a friend or two? Isn't that like ten people right there? How do you only have two listeners? I didn't say two people. I said two listens. You mean your co-host or your wife don't listen? This must be an awful podcast. What?

Honestly, I've been to hamster funerals that have had more attention. Why are you saying these things? Maybe you should go back to your day job. What does it you do? I have been your patient for seven years. You don't know what I do. It's been that long, huh? To be honest with you, it hasn't been all that memorable. Jesus Jones Could you pretend to care for one second? I mean, I pay you. Do you think I'd subject myself to this boredom for free? You are a horrible therapist. What was that? Forget it. Anyway, Doc I am really feeling low about this. I mean, I've never expected to be Joe Rogan, but two listens and two months That's like an average one listen per month. Have you thought about a career in mathematics?

Really? Really? That was some complicated trigonometry you just pulled off there. Are you married? Did someone actually put up with you outside of this office? Okay, okay. Let's focus on your small numbers, and they are small. But let's try and look at the bright side. That's only two people who won't find your show funny. Doctor, this is not helping one bit. Seriously, do you think focusing all of your energy and time on this the bright side. That's only two people who won't find your show funny. Doctor, this is not helping one bit.

Seriously, do you think focusing all of your energy and time on this is a great use of your time? Couldn't you do something more productive? Honestly, you sound like my wife. Well, she doesn't like the showy. You don't know that. Well, actually I do. That's what she told me when I had coffee with her the other day. You had coffee with my wife? Yes, she asked me if I could give her some advice and that's what I do.

Advice about what? Your podcast. What about my podcast? How unfunny it is. You were talking about my podcast. We may be the only two people talking about your podcast. Fuck! Am I in hell right now?

Hell would be your podcast on shuffle. I cannot believe my wife called my therapist to discuss me without knowing. To be fair, we talked about more than the podcast. What? Have you talked to your doctor about a prescription for Viagra? Oh, for fuck's sake. Nothing to be embarrassed about, lots of guys need some help. I am not discussing my sex life with you.

It doesn't sound like there's much to discuss. Doctor, can we please just focus on me and my delusion that no one will like or accept me? Well, when something is true, it's not a delusion. And, I mean, let's be real. Your mom doesn't even like podcasts. Did you talk to my mother, too? I did, it's not a delusion. And, I mean, let's be real. Your mom doesn't even like podcasts. Did you talk to my mother, too? I did, she left me a message.

Here I have it, you wanna hear? You have one, two, one, necessity. Hi, doctor, it's Brian's mom. I'm really concerned about my son. Listen, I was talking to him the other day, and he said he's gonna go do his podcast, and then he said he saw this week it would be funny, and you know, I'm his mom, and I know he's not funny. You know and then he said he saw this week it would be funny and you know I'm his mom and I know he's not funny you know it's funny my boyfriend is funny

okay okay do you want to hear joke about construction I would tell you but I'm still working on it haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha haha getting him off the America's online and back to real life. You know, he's not the sharpest tool in the Silverware drawer. Anyway, gotta go, big harvest starting his own podcast. It's called Swerving Irving. Tips to making loving your 80s. Okay, bye bye. This has gotta be a joke. You think that's a joke? You wanna hear your brother's messages?

I give up. Honestly, I need to find another therapist. You know, in seven years, you have not said one thing supportive or helpful, not one thing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. Here's a piece of advice that I think you'll find helpful. Put down the toys in the tape recorder and grow up. Who uses a fucking tape recorder?

It's time to face facts. You are not now nor will you ever be Johnny Carson. Take the headset off and get back to your family while you still can. You are just a fucking meanest human I have ever met. And you're an unfunny moron. We all have our shortcomings. Oh, look at the time. Sessions up.

Same time next Thursday. Yeah, that works. Can you give me a favor? Sure, what's that? Listen to the podcast. I'll have to charge you for the hour. Fine. Okay, you're lost! The commercial break, Brian, Holtley, and the people who work with our show, choose to

speak in solidarity with millions of people around the world standing up against injustice, racism, police brutality, and indifference. We promise to never use our platform to allow or encourage subvert or overt prejudice. We will not support those who do. The time for change has come and we are on the side of change. Our show is meant to bring humor and fun into the lives of those listening. But this is no laughing matter. Stay strong, stay safe, stay unified.

On this episode of The Commercial Break. Dad, I was just out hanging out like on the side of the patio, someone locked me out. And he's like, let's spare ourselves the bullshit today. We're doing a live show. We we do a live show? We're doing a live show. And my swinging Richard's coming out first. It's going to enter the room?

Two and a half inches before I do. Hey, it's Brian Green, trusty captain of the commercial break. Funny story on the way to this episode. I decided to get some new recording software in the hopes that it would improve the sound quality of Our episodes were recording remotely so I had to have some settings on Chrissy's microphone a little bit different than mine and I didn't do that and so Chrissy can sound a little muddy at times when we're talking over each other on this particular episode I probably shouldn't even point it out, no one may notice,

but I thought I would let you know that it is a problem with her microphone, and we will have it fixed by next week. I'm just a little bit of a slow learner. And next week, we'll clear Chrissy's muddy voice right up. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Did you know that someone from Saudi Arabia listens to seven out of eight of our episodes like at like midnight last night and I find that to be extraordinarily strange and I'm trying to get to the bottom of it

I've been combing conspiracy theory websites to see if there's any Irregular Saudi Arabian activity on the quann on boards and I just want you to know I haven't figured out anything yet But I'm sure there's a conspiracy theory about podcasts and quann Very well could be do you think one? Do you think one of our three listeners could possibly be a Saudi Arabian spy looking for secret nuclear documents? Or things about Brian Kemp. Or Brian Green.

Or Brian Green. Or Televandalist. Hey, you never know. Whatever it is, welcome on board Saudi Arabian. We, I hope you're a prince, and you've got a couple million dollars and you want to fund this organization through the next couple of years. I want to get into that Joe Rogan money.

So welcome to the commercial break, episode number nine, tcbpodcast.com, tcbpodcast.com is where you go to find out all the great information you can leave comments. You can listen to all the episodes. You can do whatever you want on my website. I really don't, there's a couple hundred people coming to the website

every day too. I find that to be straight into where these people are coming from. I think they're looking for like something related to TCB. There must be a business out there, TCB. And then... First TCB why.

Oh, TCB why yogurt. I mean, that's a horrible fuck up on misspelling, but I guess it's possible that someone's looking for TCPY yogurt, but tcb.com, tcbpodcast.com is where you can find out all information. Listen to us on all of the platforms, like and subscribe if you care too, that really helps us out a great deal.

Mainly it helps our egos out. It lets us know that someone's out there listening. Waiting for that first subscriber. I can't wait. It's like, they really like me. They love me. So what'd you do over the weekend? Let's see, I went on a hike. Actually, I discovered a whole new little park that's down south of Atlanta and had some waterfalls and some beautiful areas and it was on some website I found and very much less crowded and I don't know if that's correct grammar. No, but I'm just going to say just whatever it was less crowded.

Yeah, not a lot of traffic. A lot of traffic. It was a place and it was very cool. Loved it. Good for you. I've been cooking like crazy. I mean, during this pandemic, it's, you know, I'm ordering groceries, I'm cooking, trying new recipes, children are baking in this house.

Children are baking? Children are baking. Wow. Children are baking. Yeah, my children are baking. They get to, it's dangerous. My child is dangerous right now. He's in that. He's in that stage where he's just dangerous. Climbing ladders, putting his head in the oven, we found him in the dryer the other day.

He's in that danger mode where you can't leave him for two fucking seconds or he is somewhere literally climbed an eight foot ladder, like one of those step ladders, but the big ones, literally climbed it the other day. I walked into the room, he's at the top of the fucking ladder playing with the drill. I'm like, I don't wanna take you to the hospital right now, young man. So.

Speaking of, I'll never forget, and probably because I got electrocuted, it stands out in my mind, but I was in kindergarten, and I remember taking Bobby pens and sticking them in light sockets. So it have the little things that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember doing that and my mom invited me and she was like, what are you doing? Oh my God. Yeah, that was just called a science experiment back then.

I put a couple of times at that point. Like, this is kind of fun. Yeah, I mean, you used to get those like the science kits or remember back in the 80s, you may not remember maybe you had one, but like I had like a little... Of obligation? Yeah, kind of like operation, but actual science experiments

and they would come with actual chemicals in them. And so then they would tell you the chemicals to put together. I mean, it's fucked up. It's like some, you know, randos selling kids chemicals to being out in their mom's basement. Four years old and I get this for Christmas

and I'm like, what am I gonna do with mercury and uranium, dad? I went to my dad's house over the weekend. He's live in the high life, he's retired now. And they live on a lake. Beautiful lake. You know, it's not an extremely crowded lake. And they have this three story house

and then the dock and the whole nine yards. And so I bring the kid over. And I am appreciating my father's ability to parent a child much more as I'm watching him parent my child than when he parents hid me because that seemed like a bit of a train wreck at the time. It my dad and I.

A whole different story with grandkids. It's got to be. Oh, whole different story. They're not yours. I mean, it's like my sister's kids, you know, I'm like, they're not mine. I can just do whatever, spoil them and pay all the attention in the world. And then when they're bad, they're theirs. They're, I'm giving them back. Yeah, you at the end of the night, you get to give them back. And as soon as they want to, and I guess that's part of it. I think part of it is like my dad,

and I was a little shit head. And really when I turned a corner of teenager, I didn't come back until I was about 30, right? I was a real fucking twod. And I was difficult, I'm sure, to handle because I was just out of control. I was single-minded. I was focused on what I wanted to do.

I was super independent. And that got me in a lot of trouble and in a lot of crazy places and crazy times. And my dad, who was raising three four children, basically on his own, I think he wanted everything to kind of be like drill sergeant he, which is like how his upbringing was so that everyone would just stay in line, not get in trouble so he could go to work and fucking pay the bills, right? But I had some other ideas on my mind and then all my brothers followed me of course, but you know But a lot that's right Yeah, I kind of broke the walls with my head so to speak but over the years my father and I have there's been a lot of healing and

There's been he's grown a lot, I've grown a lot, he's mellowed out, I've mellowed out. And so, you know, I'm too old for that shit anymore and I got kids of my own and so now, I just do my own thing. But I got it, I think what's interesting is that when I was a kid, we lived in a three-story house also.

There was the basement where all of the trouble happened. And then my bedroom was on the third floor, but you had to go to the second floor through the kitchen to get to my up another set of stairs to go to my kitchen. So there was like this level, not a split level. There was it was three full floors, but there was two sets of stairs. And one was near the kitchen and one was near the front door. And so you had, so if you were coming up through the basement, you could either go up the front door stairs, which you'd never fucking would,

because my dad's bedroom was up near there, right? You didn't want any reason for him to wake up. Or I could just go straight to my room through the back stairs. It was like a bonus room. So I just kind of went up there and hopefully not getting any trouble. But what's really interesting to me is that 30 fucking years later, I am still feeling the same anxiety of walking through the kitchen

that I was back then. I'm a night eater, I know you are too, like midnight strikes and I don't know what happens, but my gut falls and I'm just like, so fuck and hungry, I wanna eat whatever. And typically it's cereal because it's easy to make and I can just like so fuck and hungry. I want to eat whatever and typically it's cereal because it's easy to make and I can just pull for a bowl of beer.

I told you to get all garlic toasts. Yeah, you are toast, so that's right. You've. I'm Italian. I'm gonna put a side story to this. Chrissy and I are out drinking one night and we go back to my house and we go to bed and I wake up in the morning and I had a brown Labrador go to bed and I wake up in the morning

and I had a brown Labrador at the time and I wake up in the morning and I can hear my Labrador choking on something and I'm like, what the fuck is going on out there? So I wake up, I go out of the bedroom, I go into the kitchen, which is like an open kitchen and there's the dog is trying to swallow a plastic bag and the plastic bag has got, and I can't even explain it, I don't know what happened.

It's as if someone had come in, like a little mouse had come in and shred a bunch of bread and left it back in the bag all over the counter down on the floor. And so I was like, what the fuck happened? How did the dog, and I was a strange human being, I like bread in the refrigerator. And I'm like, how did someone, how did the dog, and I was, I'm a strange human being, I like bread in the refrigerator, and I'm like, how did someone, how did that dog get into the fucking refrigerator? But when I woke up, when Chrissy woke up, what I realized was Chrissy, and needed bread so bad, she had woken up in the middle of the night,

no clue what she was doing, and she was like, you were grabbing handfuls of the bread, and then left it out, left the rest out for my dog, which was nice, I'm sure she appreciated it. Yes, that was sweet of me. So we're at the house and my dad has the third level, the basement level has got three or four different bedrooms and my wife and I sleep in this back bedroom.

So it's like midnight, it's Saturday, the kid goes to sleep and you know, we go to bed early like eight o'clock, but my parents, my stepmother and my father, they typically stay up late, they watch TV and the living room. So, I get up at about midnight on Saturday to go get a bowl of cereal, because I'm hungry,

here it comes, here comes that hunger. And as soon as I get near the stairs, I recognize in my own self, like a little bit of self-awareness, that I'm getting really tense and super anxious about walking up those fucking stairs. And I sure hope that my dad's not there because then he's gonna catch me.

And I'm thinking to myself, Brian, the fuck he's gonna catch you doing? What exactly are you upset about? What are you worried about? But I am worried. It's 30 years later. I still have this stress about my dad catching me doing what I don't know. But it's funny.

How do lessons go back a couple episodes on the podcast? When I'm an episode seven. Yeah, listen to episode seven and you'll get it. You'll get exactly why my dad is probably still waiting for me to walk up the stairs in some state of disarray. When I was 15 years old, I worked at a McDonald's north of Atlanta. It was my first job. I had worked there since I was 14, but when I was 15, I recognized that the restaurant business,

all it is, it's just one big cesspool of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, right? It's- I'm sure. There's no such thing. Yeah, I won't say that, but there's very little, anything that's called sexual harassment. It's all these dating, everybody's dating.

Everybody's touching everybody. Get off work at 11 or 12 or two or whatever it is and yeah It's a whole shit show right? I will never allow my daughter to work in the restaurant business nor my son Neither my children But it's a great way to make money and I did for many years But so I meet this young lady who's my same age at the McDonald's and we start talking and start quote unquote dating, right? I was a pretty fast kid, like a fast learner sexually.

So by 15 years old, I was, you know, I was, I knew what was going on at least. I thought I knew what was going on. And so I had my own telephone line at the time. And so me and this, let's call her Lindsay. Me and Lindsay would communicate on the telephone late at night. We would, you know, be talking to each other and some of these conversations would get pretty fucking sexed up. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So, you know, it's the 1991 version of sexting. Yeah. You actually have to talk to me, fucking each other. Take a, take a page out of my book, kids! So it's like a... I don't know a lot about her then anyways. I agree with you. 100%. Take a page out of my book, kids. So it's like a... I don't know about her then anyways. I agree with you, 100%.

Well, I mean, but you can't send pictures now, which is, I guess, kind of taking it one step further. That is pretty sexy when you can get a picture. Back then, I just... I know it's pictures anywhere on the internet. Yeah, that's true. I won't refuse to... Well, I mean, I'm married, so I don't...

Typically, I don't typically send out nude photographs of myself. But if you hit that subscribe button, hit that subscribe, and get your friend to too. I'm gonna post a picture of my dick on the front page. Or do it a live show. Or do it a live show.

And my swinging Richard's coming out first. It's gonna enter the room Two and a half inches before idea So I need a you're gonna need a booth It's gonna need its own chair Is that a microphone cord? Plug it in and see young lady. This is stupid.

We're like third graders. So me and Lindsay, Lindsay and I are having some heated conversations and I'll never forget it. It's like a Thursday night and Lindsay explains to me that her parents are out of town. And she's staying with a friend of hers, father. The father, the friend is out of town or wherever he is. I don't know where her friend is, but it's just the father in the house, right?

And she's like, Is she from her friend's father? She was dating her friend's father. I think she was just kind of staying there. Her parents went out of town often. I don't know, it's a weird situation. But she explains this to me. And she says, if you can get over here, I bought a brand new neige le j.

And I'll show it to you. Hot fucking dog. I'm going to find a way over there. Yeah, you are. Fuck yeah, I'm 15. I'm horned up. I have no motor vehicle or transportation. This is like seven and a half miles away,

but I'm gonna fucking find a way to get there. So I got a friend, let's call him Teddy. Teddy and Lindsay. So now we got Teddy. Teddy was Captain fuck up. I mean, and he was really Captain fuck up. His dad had a Mustang that he would take out frequently in the middle of the night,

like literally grab the Mustang, drive all over God's green earth, and come back at like four in the morning. Hammered, shit faced, high as a kite, didn't matter. And fucking Teddy, I think was like six months younger than I was, so he didn't have no fucking license, right? He was a troublemaker. He was like an Eddie Haskell.

Like he, he wooed my mother. My mother just thought he have no fucking license, right? He was a troublemaker. He was like an Eddie Haskell. Like he, he wooed my mother. My mother just thought he was the cutest thing, right? But my dad was like, that kid's fucking trouble. Yeah. I don't like him. I don't like you. I don't like him. I'm like neither of you, right?

Just stay away. So, I called Teddy, or maybe I talked to him at school. Can't remember exactly which one it was. That excuse me, it's been 30 years. But we came up with a plan. If I just met him down at the bottom of the cul-de-sac, which was kind of like a couple hundred yards down from my house, if I met him at the bottom of the cul-de-sac

at 1 a.m. because there's no cell phones, and we know one has a pager at that point, right? So you really got to like plan things out. You can't just say, I'll call you when I get there. He says, you meet me there at one a.m. and I got you covered. I'm going to take you over to Lindsey's house and you're going to get your shlobbing on your knob. Don't you worry about a kid? And I'm like, Teddy, Lindsey friends father's house. Lindsey friends father's house, right? So here I have the directions to Lindsey's friends father's house, right? So here I have the directions to Lindsay's friend's father's house, because remember, there's no fucking Google, there's no GPS, there's no maps, right? So you gotta have

the directions. So I get the directions to the house. I go downstairs quietly in the middle of the night, my dad and my mom are sleeping. I open up the window, we have already bypassed the alarm many years ago, my dad still thinks the alarm is up the window. We have already bypassed the alarm many years ago. My dad still thinks the alarm is on the house. We have dismantled the alarm on the window. I open up the window and I take the hundred yard jog down to the coldest sack, looking behind me the entire way to see if my dad's bedroom light has come on or someone is behind me. Yes. There he is. 107, Teddies on his way. I can see that must think coming down the call to sack. And I'm like, yes, I'm gonna get it. Tonight's the

night. So I'm like, this is fucking a right. Like tonight's a night. Could I, could I, could I lose my virginity? Did I, could this be the night that I could lose my virginity? I don't know, but I'm wet with anticipation, totally, when I tell you this. So I jump in the car, we follow the directions. He drops me off about two houses down. I called Lindsay to explain to her that I'm on my way and she is waiting at the door.

She got the light on, she's waiting at the door, right, the side door. So I can see her, I know I got the right house. Teddy says, good luck, man. You got one hour. I'll be back. And I'm like, yes. I go up to the house. My hour of power. An hour of power.

I only needed six and a half seconds, but... I figured I could fill some time with talking. I'm good at that, so... So there you go. I'm anything if quick. Yeah, that's right. I talked quick. You're telling me these were what the boys were. They gave me. I was... if quick. Yeah, that's right. I talk quick you're telling me these were with the boys were they gave when I was of course. Yeah. By the way,

Lindsey probably had no intention of having sex with me, but she was just kind of like a sexed-up teenager like I was and she probably just wanted to show me her negligee. I'd get yeah, I'd get to second base and then you know and then the umpire would throw me out of the game, right? That's typically how it went over your 15 years old. So, so we go back into this room that's in the basement of this house and there's a big bed and there's a bathroom attach to it and I don't remember every detail, but what I do remember is sitting on the bed and Lindsay saying, let me show you the negligee, I'll be right back. Green, negligee, made a big deal about it being green. I guess because my last name is green, I'm not really sure.

It goes into the bathroom, comes back out in the negligee, holy fucking shit, game time, right? This is like Skinamax right in front of me, I'm already done. Basically I'm already done, like you, I mean, I don. I'm already done. Basically, I'm already done. Like, I mean, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. But at 15, you know, it takes you a couple minutes

and you get back. So there's a little light making out, some heavy petting going on. And, but there's also some talking that's going on in between this too, right? There's some, you know, sexy up kind of talk at 15 years old like you know I wanna six you up Tick tock and don't stop

Color me bad color me bad. That's right Yeah, I think that's the only song I know from them a mortal beach vacation that I went to Yeah, I think that's the only song I know from them. I'm here at the Myrtle Beach vacation that I went to. Another podcast. So we're into it a few minutes. Let's give it, let's say 10 to 15 minutes total. Brian walks in, lingeries on, lingeries partly off, and all the sudden,

Lindsay. Lindsay. And it's a noise coming from the top of the stairs where the door is. It's the father of the friend who is bellowing for Lindsay. Now, we're talking like 131.45 in the morning, right? And she is like, oh shit, get under the bed. Get under the bed, get under the bed. And I'm like, what, what, what?

Get under the bed, that's my friend's dad, get under the bed. So get under this huge king size bed. And she is like, walks to the bottom of the stairs. She says, yes. And he says, is everything okay down there? And she is like, walks to the bottom of the stairs, she says, yes. And he says, is everything okay down there? I thought I heard some noises. It sounds like there's people down there. No, no, no, no, that's just me.

I don't know what you heard. Are you sure? Yes, I'm fine. Okay, I don't want people down there. And I'm like, oh shit, I'm under the bed, oddly, and I'm like, oh fuck, this guy's gonna kick my ass. I'm gonna be arrested tonight. I went from getting laid to be arrested in 26 seconds flat.

Your heart is pounding. Pounding in my boners completely gone away. And I'm like, now the mood has just changed altogether. I'm full of anxiety and fret instead of, you know, boner and sweat. So, anxiety and fret instead of boner and sweat, here we go. So, Lindsey comes back and she's like, like quietly, like leans down under the bed and says,

you gotta go, you gotta go. And I'm like, what? And she's like, you gotta go. And at this point, I'm agreeing with her I gotta go right I don't want to be caught up in any craziness I just yeah I'd who knows who this guy is but I gotta go daddy so I crawl out from under the bed I go back to the door. I open it slowly and again. Lindsay, Lindsay, are you walking in and out of the door? And I was like, oh shit, we're definitely busted. And as I'm thinking those words, she literally pushed me out the door, right? Go home. And I was like, fuck, I run down the driveway,

the long driveway, I run down it. And I had looked at the clock and I know the now that it's like 137, 140, something like that, right? Or it's like, we're 20 minutes away from Teddy coming back to pick me up. So I'm like 20 minutes, I can kill 20 minutes, I can go down the street, I'll smoke a cigarette. I'll go down the way. What's that? A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter.

Yeah, I can a waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. A waiter. Yeah, I can a waiter. A waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I can a waiter. I and 20 minutes goes by and 40 minutes goes by and 60 minutes goes by. And in an hour and 15 minutes goes by and there is no sign of Teddy anywhere we are getting into 3.30 in the morning now. And I don't have a fucking watch on but I

know we're getting into 3.30 in the morning now. And I'm like, I can't get a hold of him, I can't call him. I can't certainly call anybody to come pick me up from my house, because that'd be a fucking death sentence. And I can't go back to the place where I saw Lindsay, because she'll get in fucking trouble. What do I do? And I'm in a residential area.

There's like not, there's no gas station around. There's no pay phone. If you don't know what a pay phone is, children, it's a phone that you paid for. So. You're on this never-nabourhood. I'm in the middle of a neighborhood. I know.

And a neighborhood that I don't even know. Like, I'm not even familiar with the neighborhood. So I'm like, okay, I gotta make a decision now. I'm about however many miles, but I know that I can get, I know I can make the walk, but it's probably going to take me about two to three hours is what I'm guessing at that point, right? I can make the walk two to three hours, I can get home just as the sun is rising. I can do this, right? Slide on into bed. Slide on into bed. No one the

wiser, live to fight another day. Lindsay and I can make out at the fry cooler in McDonald's, right? So, in the Apple Pie Six. So I'm thinking to myself, I either stay here and wait for Teddy, or I get my fucking ass moving and I do it quickly. And it's a no brainer at that point. I'm sick of standing there. Teddy fucked me.

He didn't come back to get me. He is the fuck up my dad said he was. And I'm shit on luck. It's not gonna walk another fucking forest gump back to my house. Oh my God. So that's what I do. I walk all the way. As I'm walking, I'm like, thank God, I have the directions still in my pocket. And I'm like, so I back the directions up and I get back to my house just as the sun is rising. I'm cresting over the hill, I see my house, I sneakily go around the back side of the house to go to the side door where the basement was, or the two windows were next to, and I go and I yank on the window,

and it's closed, and it's locked. Oh. And the door is closed, and it's locked. Mm. And so now at this point, I realize that I have certainly been had. Either my twin brother locked the window because he fucking hates me.

Or my dad locked the window because he should have given me up for adoption. Or both. Or both. So... He's like, you're my favorite Kevin. I'm my favorite. Let's look screw Brian. Fuck that guy.

I decide after about 20 minutes of just fretting. Now I'm exhausted also, right? Because I've just walked a whole long way. We've had a couple, a lot of adrenaline going and then coming and all this other stuff. I decide that I'm going to not knock on the front door, ring the doorbell. I am going to fall asleep on the patio. And when one of my brothers gets up, I will throw a rocket there window, and I will see if they can let me in on the off chance that for some reason the window has locked itself,

right? Which windows don't typically do. Don't they have the latch? Like you have that. Yeah, they got the whole latch. They got the, it's like a whole fucking thing and I just know I'm busted. Like there's just no two ways about it.

I'm fucking busted. But I'm giving it just like, I'm always an, I'm an eternal optimist, especially when I'm in trouble. I always think for some reason I'm gonna get out of it. Yeah. Especially at 15 years old. So I fall asleep and I don't know how long it is, but the sun is now risen

just a little bit longer. The sun is now on my face. And the patia. What's that? I mean, is it a pretty sunrise? It was a pretty sunrise. I've heard calm. And you could always use that excuse. Like I just went out to look at the sunrise. It was beautiful. A lot of people logged out. I feel this. It's mine. Yeah, we do. So I have this, I have this angelic sensation of the sun shining on my face,

the cool October morning. And there's a, there is a wraparound porch on my house, the frost on my nose. There is a wraparound porch on my house that leads to, it's about 12 feet above the patio where I was sleeping. And I hear Brian, Brian, and I open my eyes and I look up and here too for it is, but my fucking father. And he is in the softest voice

possible in the kindest way possible. Brian, Brian, did you have a nice evening? And I was like, oh, shit. That's it, I went with that line, right? I was like, Dad, I was just out hanging out on the side of the patio, someone locked me out. And he's like, let's spare ourselves the bullshit today. Brian. That's Sunday. Yeah. I want you to spare ourselves the bullshit and but I want you to do me a favor. I want you to go ahead and go inside and and get changed. You look cold, right? And I'm like, oh, thanks dad.

I feel like dad's like for a half a second. I felt like dad was going to be fucking cool about this. Half a second I felt like dad was gonna be fucking cool about this. It's kind of kind of fun to fuck with the kids if they're safe and something like that. Yeah, I got to agree with you. So I said okay, okay, and he says, but let's not go to sleep quite yet because there's just a few chores around the house that I want you to do. that I want you to do. It's fall. It cuts. Yeah.

Bar and Pixar you can leave. There's a leash for him. He wanted me to clean the leaves out of the gutter. My house is like 38 feet me. My house sits way up on a hill. I'm paranoid about heights. Just terrified. And my dad wants me to go out and clean the gutter.

He's gonna attach a rope to me. He wants me to go out the window and clean the gutters. In addition to cutting the grass, in addition to blowing the leaves, in addition to cleaning my room, in addition to, you know, mopping the basement floor, I mean, my dad worked my ass off. Didn't say a word.

Just every time I got done something, he would say, okay, you know what we need next? We need to get downstairs and mop the fucking floor. And I would do it because I felt like this is my punishment. Like dad's giving me this as my punishment and then we're just all gonna forget about this, right? And also, I have no fucking choice. I'm 15 years old, I'm not gonna go.

In fact, a Lindsay's house. So that's what I do. So I just kind of go through the day and then the evening starts to roll around or it's like five or six o'clock. And my father's like, okay, you know, you're done. You go upstairs, you take a shower and, you know, get some rest.

I take a shower, I go back into my room and my dad comes in and he opens the door and he just, if I had a TV, I had a radio with a six disc changer. I mean, I had like a little room set up, right? And I'm like, well, I'm certainly I'm, I ripped them all out. He said to me, he said, one more thing before you go to bed. The TV, the radio and your telephone.

I want you to put them in my closet or wherever he told me to put them. I want you to take them out of your room and you're grounded for three months, 90 days, 90 days, hold me. And when my dad said you were grounded, you were not getting out early. I was the same way. 90 days. Yeah. Yeah.

So don't blame me when I go to get some fucking honey bunches of oats in the middle of the night and my dad's laying on the couch watching old reruns of basketball games. Why I'm not just a little bit nervous, grabbing a spoon out of the drawer. I feel like I'm gonna get crammed. It makes sense.

It's the Pavlovian experience. You know? I hope that my kid is nothing like me when I, I mean, I know he's going to be because that's just karma, but I just hope he's just nothing like me. Because now that I think about it, now I'm a father, I mean, if your child left the house and you had no idea where they were and no way to get,

but here's how well my father knew me. The first call was not to the police. The first thing he did was lock the fucking window. He wasn't like, oh my God, as my son been kidnapped. It will be okay. I'm going to teach him a lesson. You ever snuck out of your house? You're... Yes, so I have not so, so I'll give you a little backup story. So my mom when I was growing up and when I was in high school, which was about the time that you really started trying to sneak out.

I mean, maybe in middle school, but not really. It was more in high school and my mom was a night owl. I could never get away with anything. It was crazy. I should know when I came up, she stayed. She kind of slept in late and stayed up late and wanted to be there when I got in. So I could never really sneak out of my house. However, you could sneak out of somebody else's house. There's always the old trick of I'm staying over at Amy's house. And Amy says she's saying at my house and we're going to go try something fun.

So I had this friend named Amy and you know in high school I had a lot of older friends. I think I've always kind of been a little bit of an old soul and had just older friends. And you were a little faster than the rest of your friends. So older people were more attractive. And I don't mean that in any way except for you were you wanted to be a little more adult than you already were. The thing was, yes, I think that was it. And the thing was, yes, for as faster goes, now I was very scared of sex and with that men and oh my god, you did a pregnant

and you heard all these stories and whatever. I wasn't doing any of that. But I just always like identified a little bit more with the older kids. Sure. So there was a girl name, I mean, and this is, I remember, I'll never forget this. This was my 10th grade year.

And my dad, my parent, my dad just got a new job at Pintinisee. And so he was going up there during the weekdays, working his new job. This is a great new promotion for him, Tollie's Switch career, not careers, Tollie's Switch companies, found his great new job at Pintinisee.

And we were moving there and I was pissed to begin with that we were moving in the middle of my sophomore year or towards the end of my sophomore year. And so I was like, you know, whatever. It's the last time and spring break was a no go. Like, first of all, everyone went to Panama City for spring break. Everyone went and just got crazy. Everyone. Yeah. Absolutely not. You're not going. And there were some other friends as well, including my older friends who said their parents were like, no, you can't go either. Including Amy, that's one girl who was very devious, you know, like the preacher's daughter. Yes, I do. Yes, so she was that kind that was a very devious and very fun in my opinion, but her parents thought that she was very good

Very goody-touch. She was a yeah, she was a Eddie Haskell as they called them So this is back in the age to the tanning beds Well, there's still tanning beds around but everyone they but back then You're talking about when they own it home or the ones that you go to. The ones that you go to. Okay, gotcha. So yeah, we're talking back in the 90s and it was like you went to the tanning salon, everybody else had a membership and you're going and everybody's getting super dark. I'm super.

You're putting what was that Australian? Australian gold, which was like McDonald's fry grease? No, I would go get my nails done long nails and get super dark tan. And I'm like 15, you know, 15 year old body and that kind of thing. So it's, you know, crazy. Everybody's meeting up with the movie theater, the tanning beds, the lawn, which was also connected in the same shopping trip all to the nail salon and whatever.

So I'm at the tanning salon one day, and I see Amy's boyfriend pull up. And this is Amy, Amy, who I thought was her mom was pretty, you know, strict, I think, strict, but she's really fun. This guy pulls up to the tanning bed and he's driving, first of all, he's driving and he's driving a fast car

and he's not in high school, he's out of high school. And I remember he had a mustache and I was like, you're putting a man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age. I was like, you're making a man. A man. A man. I keep getting older. They stay the same age. I was like, you're meeting a man. A man. A man. A man. A man. This is not what of our high school cohorts. You know, I like this guy. It seems old. But you know, like 20s old. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh my god, you're dating a man. So she's like, here's the deal.

We're gonna do this. I have a spring break. You say you're staying the night with me. And I say, you know, I'm staying the night with you, whatever. And like, the oldest trick in the book. Yep.

So I pack up stuff, go over to Amy's house, and her mom's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, nice to meet you. I'm not in the mall. I's like, oh, yeah, nice to out you feel alive every every ounce of your Being is just buzzing. You're like I'm gonna get caught, but I'm not gonna get caught I'm gonna do bad things, but I'm gonna do good things So we could ever do this guys apartment. He had an apartment and

By the way, he had a girlfriend Jesus and we walk into this apartment and Amy's like from Jesus. And we walk into this apartment and Amy's like, shh, you know, don't say anything about us being together. And I'm like, huh? Okay, you know, I mean, I'm all like, I even wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, stop, stop the show, stop the show. Yeah. Uh, Randy Rhodes over here, the guy with the mustache, picks you guys up. You're in high school 15 years old. He's probably well into his 20s, what, 21, 22, 23, 24. Yeah, you got an apartment. You're, you're doing okay for yourself. Girlfriend, but I know that he's dating my friend.

So I'm a little confused when I get there. And how is the girlfriend not suspicious that he's bringing home high schoolers? Well, I don't know. That's fucked up. Yeah, I mean, she's probably, uh, that there was alcohol. Oh, oh, there was alcohol at the support. And I've never been like, huh, okay, and they're fixing up. I mean, we're going boons farm. Oh, mad dog, 2020, there was some kind of

slushy that was made. Yeah, yeah. And I think somebody had gone to get lemonade out of a slushy cup and then we were pouring alcohol in that. So I started sucking away. I'm like, this stuff tastes delicious. This tastes delicious. And so then at one point, I'll never forget this at one point, the girlfriend goes to the bathroom and the dude and my friend start making out.

Oh my God. Don't tell. And I'm like, you're having a fair type thing. Oh my God. And I'm like, so then I started to slurp it now more of the slushy. And now go all the slushy. Well, I'm not going to lie. Now, I'll go all out. Well, I'm 15. I get really drunk really fast. We're out on the porch.

I think we're making cigarettes and it's in the sun. It's during the daytime. Every all of our other friends are down at Panama City and spring break. And we're like, yeah, whatever. We're like, we're going to have our own spring break. I've been to 22-year-old and he a part man. He's girlfriend. My friend who's dating the other guy. It's going to turn into a force of any moment now. So I end up

getting wasted like really drunk. I don't even know what my name is. So the girl Amy leaves me like after a little while because I'm so drunk and she has to go home back to her Christian family and she leaves. She left you? She left me. So because she couldn't mess things up with her family. She left you at Matthew McConaughey's house? I just got a lot of this good to you, I am. I don't even go backhey's house. I fly the flight weight over here. I just got a lot of good to you, Amard. To even go back to my house. Like, so, I'm gonna have to leave her here. So anyways, like, again, talking about

paeers and cell fans and where, there wasn't all of that. So I remember the guy like helped me call because I'm like, I gotta call somebody like, I can, my mom meanwhile is on the war path. She, remember, didn't get a bad day, like, the morning, she is like, where is my daughter?

And she starts tracking things down, piece by piece by piece. She loads up, I think it's like midnight or one in the morning. She loads up like my sister. My dad is in Tennessee, mind you, trying to start a new job. Oh yeah, she's going fucking bananas. She's like, I lost my child.

I was like, mom, I was like, I'm on the freaking case. Yeah. She was a hellion too. So she's like, I know what she's doing. She's drunk somewhere. She's like, Chrissy, years later, she would recount that I called her and I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha out of her mind trying to she drives over to this girl's Amy's house and wakes up the

mother. No shit wakes her up and says and and the girls mother goes no Chrissy upstairs and my mom goes let's go upstairs and look and they go upstairs not not there and Amy is like oopsie. Sorry. Sorry, I lied to everybody. Yeah, I know. But the mother clearly wasn't in on this because so, so the, so Amy, Amy just

told her, hey, mom, Chrissy's upstairs. Yes, when she came home, she said Chrissy in our room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, So my mom busts up in that place. That's like into the Matthew McConaughey's apartment. No, it well, eventually, the first, yeah, yeah, yeah, Amy's house. Amy's house. And I'm not there. And Amy's mom thinks I'm there.

And Amy acts like she just sweeps up. And she's all like, oh, I don't know where she was supposed to be here. I don't know where she is. So my mom's like, where the but she's all like, oh, I don't know where she was supposed to be here. I don't know where she is. So my mom's like, where the hell is she? So she gets tracking me down ends up tracking me down to the students apartment. Getting me, I mean, I was a mess. It was, she drove me back. She had like a couple of other mothers, I think involved in the.

Oh, so it was a little embarrassing for me on a couple levels. Totally. No wonder you didn't sneak out of your house very often. Sorry. Yeah, that's the major difference between your father, my father, and your mother is my father locked the window and said, fuck them. And your mother was like, I'm going to get my daughter. Well, here's the truth though.

I mean, you know, your mom is ultimate. You've never given her any reason to be concerned. So when you don't turn up, well, yeah, but I mean, you know, you weren't sneaking out every Thursday. Being brought home by the Cobb County Police Department. I had never been involved with the police. Oh, that's good.

Yeah. Wow. And so my mom went on a warpath. So then my dad gets home after that, Escapade, like that weekend because he was coming home on weekends, trying to help sell the house and whatever was going on in their lives. And he's like, what? Oh, yeah. He's like the what? Oh, yeah.

He's like the car's messed up too. He's like your mother driven it all here. All of them. Like I barely, she driven it in second gear, third gear, like all over town. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh, the crazy business. Just crazy business.

Kids don't do it. Don't sneak out. No, don't sneak out. I mean, I feel like there's at least a 10 additional stories that I could talk about sneaking out. I've got a couple more to do. Yeah. But I don't want to teach any of the children out there.

My bad ways. So I'll just leave it at that. TCPpodcast.com is where you find out all the information about the show. You can listen to all the old episodes there. Please share if you care, like and subscribe. All that other good jazz. You know how to do it. And I love you. We love you. We love you. What we saying I love you. We love the world. Hey, and by the

way, too, just to reiterate, we're in solidarity with the world right now. Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Another just love what another and you'll never go and Michelle Obama's words you'll never go wrong with treating each other right. I mean, can't say it any. You went out there, stew until there's as you want done into them and I mean, don't you rest off? Yeah. Can't say it any better than that. You know, we're a comedy program. So we don't feel like we need to be sanctimonious with anybody here. I don't think you're looking for that kind of information or apologizing here on the commercial right. But just understand that we're with you, we're human beings too, and we're right on your side.

Yes, one month. Email us at thecommercialbeatatgmail.com. Find us and follow us on Facebook and Instagram at thecommercial.com. New episodes drop every Wednesday. We can be found on Spotify, iHeart Media, Apple, Google and all major podcast providers. The Commercial Group is a great by Chris E. Holdley.