The Commercial Break - Milky Pools & Jell-O Frogs

Episode Date: September 18, 2024

Episode #602: Bryan takes us down the rabbit hole that is his pool, and I mean that in the most literal sense.  Big day for news! Pagers exploding P. Diddy craziness You could have had it all (shoutout to Adele) Check the perimeter! Bryan’s pool drama Squirrels whittling their teeth Bryan shocks his pool A dead mole! And a frog! A gay squirrel bath house The pool company & Home Depot’s Halloween section Juicy info The rudest city in America Come To Our Shows: Dania Beach Improv (Tuesday, Sept. 24th) The Funny Bone Orlando (Wednesday, Sept. 25th) Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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crowd wienies, and bread and butter pickles. And we're gonna watch something scary on Hulu. On this episode of the commercial break. And he goes yep you're low on chlorine. And I go oh okay great how do we do this? And he goes well you're gonna want to shock the pool first. Well, you're gonna wanna shock the pool first. I get to shock it? I've heard of that. Yes, it's a thing. Shock it. I'm going to scare you now.

With my wicked ways. You'll be... I'll scare you clean. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, boy! The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy! Aw yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the cohost of this show, Chris and Joey HODLing.

Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. What a day of news. Whoa. You're hearing this just a day after we're recording it. Usually we don't.

Usually we're not this timely, but today we are. And I might say matchy matchy. We are. Wow. We look very color coordinated with the curtains and everything. I feel like we're bleeding into the curtains a little bit. We did not plan that, but here we are. Excuse me. Wow. What a day. What a morning it's been for news.

It is. And it is crazy. First of all, Fed set to cut rates for the first time in a long time tomorrow. Markets are responding positively. Economy's still very strong. And this will mean great news for everybody who's borrowing money, including, or not including, Brian and Astrid, who just bought a car this morning.

We couldn't have waited one fucking day. Couldn't have waited one fucking day. It's your old method. It's my old method. You're staying true. Buy high, sell low. That's how you get it on the action. Buy a used car at the highest possible price, at the highest possible interest rate, and then sell it when it's completely depreciated. Anyway, I do have to say we use one of those online car services. I'll name it Carvana. And the experience was rather pleasant. They're not a sponsor of the show. I'll just share with you that they were pleasant.

Because Astrid and I honestly don't have the time to go looking for a car. No, you had to just order it. Yeah, so we knew what we wanted because we've driven this particular model before. And you know, so we said, go ahead and get it. And they just delivered the car. It took like two seconds. They delivered it. We walked around it.

It was amazing. They showed the ID. They gave us the key. I could have been Joe Schmo off the street, honestly But anyway, that was interesting. So mortgage mortgage rates interest rates for credit card rates All of that will come down and they're already at the lowest in a couple years number one number two fucking Israel that Musaad is Insane they are insane. Here's the story coming out this morning. No, no, no, this is funny. I'm just sharing with you some information I thought I'd share.

This morning, people start getting reports out of Syria, Iran, and Lebanon that people are going to the hospital en masse, mainly fighters for Hezbollah, doctors for Hezbollah, other people associated with Hezbollah, because their pagers, that's how they communicate over there, their pagers have exploded, exploded, not overheated, exploded. Like, there was a device inside the device that made it explode. And they all went off at 3 45 PM local time, thousands of them exploded and So I they dig a little deeper into the story to find out that Hezbollah had you know in just like any other Formal organization they decided to upgrade their tech back in March and get brand new pagers for this organization

that does so much good around the world Hezbollah and Get this they all got new pagers back in March and April because Hezbollah spent money on new pagers, new encrypted pager system or whatever, and they exploded. And I will bet you bought dollars to doughnuts and we will figure out that this is the Mossad that did this. And what an unbelievable operation. Just like they like, remember when the US and Israel slowed down the centrifuges in Iran with that Stuxnet or whatever, that fucking virus? They are crazy.

They do some of the most crazy shit. I mean, that's like CIA times 10, making thousands of pages explode at the same time. Now, I am not about killing or maiming anybody, period and a sentence, but that's a pretty intense and job well done. If that's what your goal is, I would say that's pretty creative there. But number three and most mind blowing, there's four, but number three and most mind blowing is P. Diddy. This is insanity.

Now when this lady, Cassie, I've been reading on the internet for years that P. Diddy is closeted, that he is gay or that he swings both ways. I have read that he has a sex ring going on. I've read that he's freak. I've read that these parties get out of control. Lots of people have said this. It's not a secret, including some celebrities who have been on this show.

I won't name them because they didn't come on our show and say it, but I read this, have been to those parties and exited themselves because it got so freaky. P. Diddy just got arrested a couple hours ago as we're recording this. And the indictment or part of it that was read by one of the prosecutors out of the AG's office in New York, the details are absolutely mind boggling. Yeah, the extent of the whole thing. Cause you have, I mean, throughout the years you've heard snippets here and there, and it kind of has that bad boy image and whatever.

I mean, his record company was Bad Boy Records. And you know, he kind of has that image anyway. So you think, oh, he's free. He's a freak, okay, who cares? But something's like really that wrong. But when you hear the whole thing, I mean, it snowballed after Cassie. Now all of these people have come out. But then to hear the whole indictment, I mean, to list everything. God. Jared Sussman God, actually, and that wasn't even everything.

The indictment apparently is like 68 pages long. He just read portions of it, but I got to say, we listened to it and it was like gobstopping. That's just the only way that I can put it. Here is how I assess the situation. P. Diddy for decades has been drugging, assaulting, setting up parties where male sex workers- Sexually assaulting, violently assaulting, drugging. Verbally assaulting, drugging, where male sex workers would come in and go to these, what they called, freak-offs, where P. Diddy would record it, choreograph it, stage it, and it was insane. When they raided his house, they took drugs, they took guns, they took thousands of bottles of lube and baby oil. Lube and baby oil.

Sheets that they could use at hotel rooms. Linens that they could put over chairs. They would lock people in hotel rooms if they got beaten, assaulted, or were otherwise hurt by Diddy or one of his other people. He got RICO charges. He got racketeering charges. You gotta be fucked up to get some R Rico charges and you will go to jail. The federal government very rarely loses these cases.

Yeah. That means they've got the guns stacked against you. This guy was, this is like next level shit. Harvey Weinstein looks like a creepy old guy compared to fucking P. Diddy. Yeah. And it's nothing to laugh at. I mean, how many victims? Lots of people are involved too.

You know that Aubrey O'Day, remember that making the band that he did with the girl group and that Aubrey O'Day girl who was like on VH1 or some shit? Yes, that's right. For like 12 years, she's been saying, people will find out about P. Diddy. They will find out how much, how he fucked up so many women's lives.

That's awful. And everyone was just like, ah, stop snitching. You're just, you know, you're being this, you're being that, you're being a rat, whatever. You know, it's just a party, you agreed to it, whatever. At the end of the day, I think she can feel pretty vilified, vindicated today because the truth is, the truth, if it's the truth, this is, of course, he is innocent until proven guilty, but he paid off his mansion two days ago, He paid off his mansion so he could use it as collateral in the court.

He put his house up for sales, $35 million private estate in Miami on that star island. He put it up for sale three days ago. This guy knew this was coming. He knew this was coming and this is super intense. This will be the story of the fucking year as far as entertainment is concerned. This is so much bigger than anything else. Oh yeah. And now it puts back into question two where his long time partner died.

Yeah. Had him seriously a few years back. Oh yeah. That Porter lady. Kim Porter. Kim Porter. Yeah. Kim Porter.

Geez Louise. And now I just read right before we came on air, that one of the executive vice chairman or president of Warner, who was in charge or partly in charge, partly responsible for Bad Boy Records, resigned like 15 minutes after this indictment came out, because it's likely that he's a part of this indictment. Because when you have RICO charges, it's not just you. You're not the only one going down. There are lots of other people that are going down with you. And this took a lot of manpower and setup and time and coordination and lots of people had to cover up a lot of bad stuff.

And one of the things that the AG said was back when he was in Los Angeles, we all saw that video, that terrible video of him beating up Cassie in that hotel hallway, dragging her by her hair, beating her up, throwing a vase at her, all that other shit that was going down. The security intervened. They saw that in a security guard, hotel security guard, intervened. And according to the AG, the security guard said that he tried to, Diddy tried to hand him a stack of cash to shut up and make it go away.

And maybe he did because we didn't hear about it at that time. So it's likely that this guy flipped and said, you know, I took the cash, but I'm willing to tell the story on the stand. If you don't prosecute me and give back the money or whatever, I don't know how that's going to go give the money to the victim or whatever it is. What a terrible, terrible thing. Terrible, terrible thing. You got to be really fucking twisted. You know, at the time P Diddy said, you know, I apologize. He came out of this video, this long video, I apologize, I had a problem with alcohol, I've since cleaned up my act, you know,

no one should ever treat a woman that way. I have been drunk more times than most people will ever be drunk in their lives, and that's a fact, that's a solid fact, okay? I spent 10, the better part of 10, 12, 15 years drinking Bud Light. Yes. I single-handedly made the Budweiser stock go through the roof in the late 90s and early 2000s. That's why it's not doing so well anymore.

Yeah, that's right. I stopped drinking and all of a sudden it went in the shitter. They sold the business to some Swedish company or something. I don't know. But I will tell you what, I have never laid my hands on a woman in anger, never, and barely in romance. I mean, I don't know what to do with a girl. Look at me. Well, the crazy thing is, is he's a huge star. He could have had whatever, I mean, he could have had, I don't understand with the drugs,

the drugging. I don't know. I guess because it makes people easier. It makes them, here's the thing, you get fucked up and then maybe you more willingly go along with something because you don't, your inhibitions are down, you don't understand what's going on. Right, but then that's the thing too, that's right, he was using, he would video it or take pictures or both and then use that against them.

As blackmail, he would say, I'll send this out to the internet. And at the time, because P. Diddy is not out, like he has not been indicted, they haven't done this raid on his home, at the time you can imagine, it's P. Diddy, it's the world against me. If I have some sex video that comes out and P. Diddy just, you know, puts it out, you know, not serendipitously, through some third party, there's nothing I can do, right? I can't get it off the internet, it's there forever. If I say it was P. Diddy, I'm going to sound like spoiled milk. I went to a party, I made a sex video and it was with P. Diddy. Okay, P. Diddy has sex. Who fucking cares, right? At the end of the day. But now I imagine that lots and lots of people are going to

come out and say that they were abused at the hand of P. Diddy and his entourage. And I hope they get every dime. I hope they get, if it's true, I hope they get every fucking dime. Who hot, who not? I'll tell you who not. P Diddy. You know that I read that that guy who did the song with him, I can't remember the guy's name. Mace. Mace. You know that I read that Mace is like a man of God now. He's like a born again or something like that. But he said he would never work with P Diddy again. That P Diddy fucked him over in the end. He never did what he said he was never work with P. Diddy again, that P. Diddy fucked him over in the end.

He never did what he said he was going to do. And as soon as he had that hit song, as soon as he was, he used him, abused him, and then talked to you later, he never talked to him again. I mean, I think we're going to find out that P. Diddy killed Biggie. I think that's what we're going to find out. I think we're going to find out. I'm not surprised at anything now. I think we're going to find out at the very least he had a hand in it. At the very least he had a hand in it. I've always suspected this and I think I might be right. What a terrible and depressing story. And usually this is a comedy show, but it's hard to ignore this one. It's hard not to say something about this one. It is just, it's beyond the pale. How do you

live your life like that for decades and decades, knowing you're just hurting people so intensely and the smile on the red carpet and flying your private jet? Remember that white boy they caught and he had like a pound of cocaine and some oxycodone or something and he was like, I don't know, it wasn't me. He had those guys all over the place. Listen, P. Diddy, if I had talked to you decades ago, and I understand that it's hard to be, it's hard to be gay in some cultures. I understand there's a lot of cultures that still don't accept that, including the Latin culture. I understand that. And I'm not Latin, and I'm not African

American, but I also am not a dumb dumb. I understand that there's just some stereotypes that still run around. But dude, you could have had it all, no matter what. You were a freak in the bed, you could have had it all. You were gay, you could have had it all. You could have had it all and been the nice guy. You could have paid those sex workers handsomely just to get freaky with you. There's people that are willing to do anything, for anything. Some people out of love, some people out of money, some people out of what. But then tearing their lives apart and tearing their bodies apart and tearing their minds apart is like, that's just a fucked up, that's insult to injury.

It doesn't even make any sense. You had more money than God. You could have done anything. You could have paid people that were willing to do this stuff for you on a daily basis and there would have, no one would have ever been upset by it. You know, look at me, pay me a million dollars. I'd fly in that private jet. Yeah, sure. Why know? Look at me, pay me a million dollars. I'd fly in that private jet. You'd get freaky?

Yeah, sure. Why not? I'd suck a dick for a million dollars. Why not? I'm not too proud, Chrissy. I'm not too proud. Yeah, I hear you. And I need the million dollars. I've got a new car from Carvana. Yeah, wow. It's shocking. I mean, let's be honest about it. Let's be honest about it, right? Fourth thing I got to say here, this is really incidental, but we talked yesterday a little bit about the terrible, terrible, second apparent assassination

attempt of Trump. And that guy was hiding in the bushes for 12 hours. 12 hours. 12 hours. No one thought to check the perimeter, check the perimeter in 12 hours? I know. He's going to go golfing there tomorrow and no secret service member thought to just check the perimeter? I'm not a security guy in any stretch of the imagination, but I check my perimeter like three times a day.

I mean, I do. Yeah. All I find is that fat cat that keeps on running around my backyard and jumping on my fucking roof. Astrid heard it again last night, I think. She's like, oh my God, there's something, Ast something, I was like, oh, it's the fat cat. I noticed that there was hair on my car the other day, like yesterday. There was a little bit of hair.

Oh, maybe you, maybe it's in your engine. I was wondering if it was the cat. It might be. I don't know. She's running around. It's a she. I think she may have been pregnant at one time and now is no longer pregnant because she's got that hangy belly thing going on. So there's probably a bunch of cats running around and snakes, cats, frogs. I had a frog on my shoe the other day. I was cleaning out my pool. My pool is a hot fucking mess. It's a hole that I throw money into just constantly. So I go up to the, you know what? Let's take a break and I'll tell you the story about the pool. I don't get too far off, but I just

want to say, so check the perimeter. Number one, number two, and we may have mentioned this, we may have not, Trump put out a tweet that says, I hate Taylor Swift. What the fuck, Trump? What are you doing? That is so ill-advised. I mean, just ill-advised. Anyway, all right.

I just thought I'd share that with you because I don't know why. Why not? I have a show where I have a microphone and sometimes I've got to kill time. That's it. Why not? All right. Let's take a break. I'll tell you all about the pool when we get back. I know you're just dying to say, I went to the Bone Orlando on September 25th

to see an extremely mid podcast and I had a pretty okay time. Well, we're creeping up on that time. So get your tickets at the link in our show notes and make those dreams come true. And I promise we are actually working hard to provide a more than mid show. We're also going to be at Dana Beach Improv

on September 24th, so come see us there too. Now, I would be remiss if I didn't take this time to ask you to follow us on Instagram, at the commercial break. I know you're not tired of hearing this and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And to let you know that all of our audio and video can be found on our website, tcbpodcast.com. Not on social media? Text us instead at 212-433-3TCB. While you're contemplating what hilarious

mean to send us, let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. Speaking of pools, look at that. Wow. That's unbelievable. That the remnants of that storm that came through and dropped like it pissed here in Atlanta. We need water so bad here in Atlanta. We're in a drought as we had this big pile of wood. We took down an old fence with this big pile of wood and asked if we got one of those bags that they pick, you know, big trash bags from waste management that they come pick up with the truck and haul away. And she let the pile of wood still out there and she's like, hey, why don't we just, we'll just burn that. No, you can't burn that. We're in the middle of a drought. And she's like, really? You just can't

burn stuff? And I'm like, honey, this ain't Venezuela. You can't just set shit on fire. What are you thinking? She got mad at me. That was pretty rude anyway. Anyway, uh, so. Your pool. My pool. All right. Pool guys are expensive. Pool guys and girls are expensive to have come out here, right? And during the summer it's almost a necessity because you would have to pretty much pay attention to it once every three to five days. And I'm just too lazy to do that. I learned that year number one with that pool, that that's not my style.

So I decided- You're strong suit. Yeah, it's not my strong suit. It's not my thing to do physical labor. It's not a thing to be physical. All right. So I decide, I got a pool robot and that thing, I've had it for years. You just press it and it vacuums up.

And so once every two days I'll go out there and it cleans the bottom of the pool pretty nicely. This is a big pool. It was built back a long time ago when they made big pools. Now people have learned they're not so dumb anymore. They don't just make big pools, square big pools that you just throw water into every five days. My water bill is outrageous.

So, but you can lift up my bedroom window. Wait a minute, didn't we talk about the fact of how you filled up the pool? I filled up the pool with my fucking hose. 43,000 gallons. At a gallon a minute, it took five days to fill up. And then I go to the water people call. They come, they come. We got these things

called rain birds, like this weird system that communicates wirelessly to the local municipality here. And the local, local, local municipality can see when someone's water is running and they have like a system on there that if it's running for too long, like- Jared Lies Nice, a nice check. Jared Sussman It pops up in emergency. Then they send you a text, then they send you three emails, then they phone call you. Of course, Brian answers none of those. So they send someone to the front door. Guy comes, you know, I can see outside, I'm like, is that a police officer?

Let's see, have a gun or a piece of paper, a man being served. Okay. So I open up the door. It's the water police. It's the water police. It's the water guy. He's like, hey, I just want to let you know, I just went there to check your meter. Your meter's running. It's been running for about five days. And I go, oh, yeah, I got a pool. I'm filling it up back there. He goes, you got

a pool? And I go, I do. And he goes, what? You're filling up with a hose? And I said, yeah. And he goes, well, that explained it. You used about 42,000 gallons. And I said, well, I know it's a big pool. And he goes, well why'd you fill it up with a hose? I said, well I was supposed to take a bucket from the sink? I mean, what did you want me to do? I was supposed to get water from my Samsung refrigerator cup by cup? What did you want me to do? And he goes, well it's pretty common knowledge. You call the fire department, they come fill it up for you once a year. And I said, what?

And he goes, part of your taxes. He goes, most counties do it. And I go, what? And he goes, yeah. I go, really? And he goes, yeah. Just as you're done. Just as the pool was finished.

Like he came within three hours of the pool being finished. And I was like, oh man, you gotta be kidding me. And he goes, nope. And then he goes, all right then, I just wanna make sure, bye. And like no additional information needed. And I was like, you asshole, you could have come on day one. He's like, well, we sent you two text messages,

four phone calls of 26 emails. Well, I don't check those. I'm a man of the future. I'm beyond it. I get my messages telepathically. Don't you know about buy, I sell low? Buy, I sell low. That's right. So anyway, I was like, luckily the municipality gave me credit because the water bill was like $2,600. And they gave me a credit for like 2,000 of it, which was nice of them to do. But they don't give you credit when you got to refill the pool because you haven't, because that's rain here in Georgia right now.

It is, it's like a fine mist. It's like a mist and then it just goes away, comes and it goes. It's more like a fog than a rain. It's like you'll get moist, but it's not much. It's not going to fill your pool up. Last year, my pool overflowed three or four separate times because so much rain and the over overflow. So anyway, all this lack of rain, leaves are starting to fall, you know, toward the end of summer, they die out and they start to fall. All the bodies that come in and out of the pool. So I tell my pool guys, when the pool closes, I tell my pool guys, fuck off till next year, I don't want you to do it during the winter, I got it. Because every two weeks I just go out there and I clean it and

redo the filters and fill it up with water or whatever. Well, I've been filling up with water, literally, once every five days I have to turn that hose on for an hour or two, because it's so dry here that it's just sucking up all the moisture. Plus the squirrels, the rabbits, the frogs, the lizards, the moles. I have a video, I swear to God, little squirrel sitting on my basically window sill. I have a fence, it goes to the side of the house, there's a window right there. I go in- Squirrels are a nuisance, but they're so cute. They are so fucking cute. I can't kill a squirrel. I know. Raccoons, watch out. Squirrels, not so much. So there's this fence post right near my window. So I go in the other day, Sunday, we're all just lazying around. I go to get something from the side of my bed. Big old picture window right there.

There's a squirrel. And then they look at you. And I, yeah, I know. And he looks at me and then he knows, he sees I'm not a threat. He goes, Oh, that guy, he identifies. It's like RoboCup. Not a threat. Late. Lazy, overweight, white guy, not a threat. All right, so he keeps eating. I'm like, what are you eating out there? So I take a video, I'm just taking a video

because I can't see what he's eating. But then I realized it's a stick. He's like sharpening his teeth or something. I'm not sure what is that. No, because. I have insizers. I just read about it They have insizers that never stop growing so they have to keep nine. They whittle them down Oh, yeah, I wish I had teeth and never stop growing. I got teeth. I got just fall out So I'm watching them on video and video and then you know after like three minutes of me video I'm just being fascinated by this guy just chewing on a stick

He jumps down he goes and he goes to the steps at my pool, and he jumps on the first step and starts giving himself a bath. And I'm like, I swim in there, dude. He's drinking the water, he's pouring water on his head, he's shampooing, he's doing under his armpits. I'm like, ah, that wasn't so cute. I'd scare you away. It is like a zoo in my backyard. I swear to God it is. I got hawks, robins, I got bird's nests, I got snakes longer than my car. I got all kind of shit back there.

Anyway, so I go and I go to clean out the pool the other day. I'm like, okay, I gotta go pay attention to that pool. It's looking a little weird. It's not only is it, it's green. It's like green on the side of the walls. Not like green green, but I can see, if you own a pool for long enough, it's green. It's like green on the side of the walls. Not like green green, but I can see if you own a pool for long enough. It's greening. And that means that it's either not enough chlorine or not enough pH.

I don't know. Something like that. Not enough pH, not enough base, something like that. I don't know anything about pool chemicals. So I have one of those test strips. I do the test strip. It's all out of whack, but I don't know what to do with the information. So I go up to the, so I'm like, ah, fuck it.

I'll go up to the pool place. I guess, you know, I go up to the pool place and I got one of these neat machines that they'll take your strip or water, just like bring the water and they'll put it in there and it zips around. And then it spits out this piece of paper and says, this is what you need to do to get your pool. So I go up there. First time I go up there. This is like three weeks ago, a pool screen. Here's the test strip. He puts it in there and he goes, well, I really need the water to get a full picture, but I'll put the test strip information in there. He goes, yeah, you're way, way, way low on pH.

Your pH is just like none, you're non-existent. And I was like, oh, okay. He goes, that means that you're going to get some growth on the side of the walls. He goes, people, dead skin cells and leaves and stuff like that starts to get- Squirrels. Squirrels bathing themselves, snakes riding around on the bottom of the pool. Frogs on- bottom of the pool, frogs on lily pads bouncing around. It's like a scene out of a Disney World ride out there. So I'm like, okay, all right, what do I need to do to that? Well, you need about 13 gallons of baking soda. And I was like, baking, what? It's like baking soda, but it's for the pool. And I'm

like, really? And he's like, yeah, don't worry, it's only like $48 a pool. And I'm like, really? And he's like, yeah, don't worry, it's only like $48 a box. And I'm like, well, shit, that's a lot of money. And he's like, yeah, you don't keep up with it. It gets out of control. You got to do something about it. And I was like, and he goes, you probably need some salt in there too, but let's start with step one. Let's kill that green. Then come back to me in a week with pool water and I'll test it again. And I was like, all right. So I, you know, it mortgaged my house. I get the 12 boxes of this and all this other shit. I poured it in the right. So I, you know, it mortgaged my house. I get 12 boxes of this and all this other shit. I pour it in the pool.

He says when it's actually powder, he says when you mix this powder in, put it in like a bucket, a big bucket or a big container and mix it real good with water. Because if you don't, if you just pour it into the pool, the pool will get cloudy, right? And I'm like, okay. 10-4. So I got one of these big containers from the container store. I pour all 13 pounds of this stuff in there. I put a bunch of water from the hose. I mix it up. I throw it in there. Yeah. Here's $400 worth of shit for your pool. It'll make it pretty after it makes it look like a disaster." So I swirl it up, and then I lug it over with my bad back and I throw it in the pool, the lexicon

goes in the pool, the whole thing, the containers in the pool, and I'm like, shit. Yes, I just flipped right over into the pool. So I was like, ah, whatever, I'll get it later. But he said, it might make it cloudy. Chrissy, imagine I am putting cream and coffee. That's what happened to my fucking pool. It just slowly started to like spread around the bottom of the pool. And within an hour, my pool was as white as a sheet of blank paper, white!

And it stayed like that for four days! Four days! The kids loved it. They were like, it's snowing in the pool! And I'm like, I'm not sure we have a pool anymore, kids. I might just need to put cement in there. All right. So after four days, it slowly starts to settle down after four days. By the fifth day, it's crystal clear. It looks like something out of a magazine. I'm like, oh wow, this

is great. Fantastic. So then fast forward another week and a half, which is like last weekend and I opened up the blinds one day and now it's like cloudy again. And I was like, oh, that's weird. The water's all cloudy and I can see like green stuff, you know, just a little tint of green and I'm like Well fuck I just put $400 worth of baking soda in my fucking pool. What the fuck? So I'm like, okay this time I'm bringing the water. I get an empty bottle. I put some water I go over there the guys. Oh, hi, man. I didn't put it on I said here's some water said to put it in the machine

Outspit something and he goes. Yep. You're low on chlorine. And I go, oh, okay, great. How do we do this? And he goes, well, you're going to want to shock the pool first. I get to shock it? Shock it. I've heard of that. Yes, it's a thing. Shock it. I'm going to scare you now with my wicked ways. You'll be, I'll scare you clean. With my wicked ways, you'll be, I'll scare you clean. This'll come as a shock to you.

You'll be shocked at how this works. So I say, okay, how do I do that? He goes, well, you need, according here to this hair thing, you need 12 pounds of shock." And I'm like, 12 pounds? How much is that? And he's like, $10 per bag. And the bag is like this big. And I'm like, $120 worth of shock? And he goes, well, that's step one. That is a shock. He goes, step one. I go, yeah, I'm shocked. All right, I got it. He goes, that's step one. Okay, well step two, he flips over to the other side of the paper. 522 pounds of salt I need to put in the pool.

522. The level is at 1,000, it's supposed to be at 4,800. Damn, you were really out of whack. Chrissy, I want to sue the pool people. I was going to say I wonder if they did something on their way out. They didn't do shit. Yeah, I think when I was gone one day, they were like, ah, I'll put some dead squirrel meat in there. That'll suck it up. So I'm like, holy fucking shit. 522 pounds of salt? What kind of container is that? That's 40 pound bags. I have to buy 13 of that. So now, and I got a bad back. I got

a ruptured disc in my back. I'll be lucky if I can make it to Florida. I'm like, I'm not... What? So the guy said, I'll help you out there. Come on, I'll just roll them on over. Roll your phones on over. I'll put you on a cart with the salt, we'll all go to the car together. Which was good because I had passed out at that point. I spent $600 on chemicals for this pool and that's just to get it even. I thought I'd get a heater, I'd get that pool to be heated for that much money. So, okay. All right. Okay. Now I'm really shocked. And I'm like, wow, this is crazy. And he goes, yeah, you don't do it. Next year is going to be out of control. You'll be out of salt in the middle

of the winter. And then that thing will just die. He's like, you'll have all kinds of shit there. Yeah, it'll just die. Your pool will just die. You'll walk out one day, it'll be pale and stiff. I said, we already turned it pale the first time. It'll turn into just jello. It'll be like gelatin. You'll have frogs stuck in the jello. Ah. Frozen.

Squirrels and snakes and... So I said, all right, well, I guess, you know. So he helps me put all this shit in the car. $11.99 at the pool place. In my head, I was saying to myself, I know Home Depot sells salt, and I know they sell the kind of salt you can put in the pool, which is just basically like, it's super pure iodized salt, right? It's like big salt pellets.

That's what it is. Okay. And I've seen it before at Home Depot, but I think I bought a bag there once, and I'm like, I know probably Home Depot probably gets this pretty cheap, right? But Brian is so enraptured with this whole thing. I can't think straight how much money I have to spend. And so I buy the salt at the 13 bags, 40 pound bags, and I managed to like park the car as close as I can to the pool and just flop it out there, take a big razor, cut them open. And now I got it like my entire bottom of

the pool is just covered in salt. And I'm like, okay, all right. So then I go to clean the filters to make sure that, you know, and by the way, because my pool is so big and I just have a regular motor on it, it takes two full days of it running for it to cycle one time. And so I'm like, okay, I'll just, let me make sure that the actual baskets are clean so that the water flows appropriately. That was a good thought. So I open up one of the baskets, Brian had a thought.

Open up one basket, throw the leaves out, okay, cool. I open up another basket, but the basket is stuck at the bottom. It has been for about a year. The handle broke off, so it's just stuck down there. That's okay, you gotta stick your hand in there. But I take a stick to like swirl it up just to make sure there's nothing living in there.

Right, exactly. There's a lot of times, frogs like to go in there. They do like pool water. So I opened the second one up and bam! Shocked, are you shocked? There's a dead mole. These moles, every year they just fall in the pool and then they get sucked up and they float at the top

and then they get sucked up into the basket. Dead mole, this isn't a baby though, this is like an actual mole, it's like this big and it's swirling around and sitting on top of it is a frog alive and it's swirling around with it. It's like, ah, the wheels on the bus go round and round, the frog on the mole goes round and round. It's just swirling.

And I'm like, holy shit, this is a scene going on. Is this like a disco? This is like a P. Diddy party going wrong. The frog on a mole in a basket with salt and baking soda. It's crazy in there. So I'm like, oh fuck. So I go get a bag, plastic bag, and I put the poor mole and I throw them back for the cat to eat. And then I'm like, I throw them behind the fence for the cat to eat. And then I'm cleaning out the pool, I'm doing the whole salting, and then I feel a little on my shoe and I don't pay much attention to it.

I'm walking around the pool, I look down and that fucking frog, that little frog that's like this big, it's just hanging out of my shoe. It's just hanging there. I'm walking, it's hanging. It was you so holding on to something. Yeah. It wanted to take a ride. That's the laziest fucking frog ever. If something's not carrying it around, it's not going anywhere. So I'm like, what are you doing, dude? So I just keep walking around the pool with this frog on my thing. And then I go, and then I'm thinking to myself, okay,

I better get him away from the pool or he's going to end up back in there. It's not going to be a mole to float on and he's going to get sucked into that basket. And so then I take this step toward the gate to go put him out there and he jumps into the pool. And I'm like, son of a bitch. And now the frogs like to play a game. I have this big net and I've caught so many frogs out of that pool. And when the net comes in the pool,

the frogs like swim at a million miles per hour, like Aquaman across the other side. You gotta chase those fuckers and it's not easy. It was crazy, Chrissy. It was crazy. There's a whole scene going on in my backyard. I'm picturing every bit of it. It's hilarious.

Yeah, and then I wonder why after five years of having this thing, six years, seven years of having this thing, none of my family members wanna come over and swim it. I always offer them, like, here's a gate code, come on back, whatever you want. No one ever takes advantage of it. And now I wonder, they go back there and there's a snake hanging from the tree, frogs having a disco,

moles just drowning themselves committing harikari right there. Squirrels, you know, it's a squirrel. Beth Dombkowski Bathing party. Jared Svelter It's a gay squirrel bathhouse just doing whatever they're doing. Shortening their teeth and bathing themselves. It's a whole scene. It is a whole scene going on there. All right. Beth Dombkowski I need to know the end though, because you didn't tell me about the shock. Jared Sussman Oh, I shocked the pool.

Beth Dombkowski Okay. Jared Sussman You know, for the first two days, it looked like it takes two full days. So this was, you know, over the weekend and I woke up this morning and it's crystal fucking clear. Okay, well. I got it right for one day. It's going to be right. One day.

Yeah, but now the leaves are starting to fall because of fall. And I know what's going to happen. I'm going to have to go buy 55 more pounds of baking soda, but I will. Oh, and here's the thing. Okay. All right. Ready? So then later on that day, Astrid said, ah, the kids broke the thing off the wall and we need a thingamabob and a jigger and this whole thing. And I'm like, okay, Home Depot, my favorite place. Aye, Brian. Or I'm a total fish out of water.

You and I went there and bought some two by fours or whatever they were. I know. We bought two by fours. We were like, is that two by fours or whatever they were. I know, we bought two by fours. We were like, is that two by four? How do you know? How do you measure it? Is it four this way or two this way? I'm not sure. We spent like 30 minutes.

I know. Well, here goes Brian, like zipping around, trying to find these four particular items, right? And just on a lark, I'm like, let me go check where that pool salt was that one time. Let me go see. Now remember, I paid 11.99 a bag for that shit. I go back to the pool area, 6.99 for a bag of pool salt.

I got so fucked. I got highway wrong. Anyway, I zip around the entire, I made three trips around the entire Home Depot to get what I needed, because I couldn't figure it out. You should have seen me at the screw aisle. I was like sticking it in those little holes, putting it next to the measuring tape.

There was a guy walking up and down the aisle. He was helping somebody and I gave him that look. Like, you know, I didn't interrupt, but I gave him that look like, help! Help! When you're done with him, help me! And he walked away as soon as he got done. He looked at me and I was like, ah, I went to go open my mouth. He turned around and walked out. And I was like, yeah, okay. All right. So I make three trips around there. I pay for my shit and

my car is parked on the other side. So rather than go out the door right there, I go walk through the store to go out near the home and garden section and they putting up the Halloween shit. So Brian spent 43 minutes trying to get three items out of there. And then he goes and spends another 43 minutes and I'm like, Oh, something I know minions blow up doll. I went to Home Depot and bought Halloween decorations. That's all you gotta know about it. I hope you bought some extra salt too. I did not, but I will never be robbed again

by that pool company, which I won't say, because they've been great to me on other occasions, but this time I got robbed. That lady, that guy told me to buy 522 pounds of salt. That's what I did at fun. I could have saved myself $60, half the cost almost. Fucking insane. Fucking insane. Fucking insane.

All right, let's take a break and we'll be back to wrap this all up. Coming at you live from my bedroom, it's your producer, Christina, here to tell you to come to our live shows. We are gonna be in Danube Beach at Danube Beach Improv, I think I said it right, on September 24th in the Funny Bone Orlando, I think I said it right, on September 24th, and the

Funny Bone Orlando, henceforth known as The Bone, on September 25th. It's coming up quick, so get your tickets ASAP. If you can't make it to our shows, don't worry, we still love and cherish you. But we do request that you follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at tcbpodcast because social media is very hard. Got something to say? Text us or call us at 212-433-3TCB and leave us an unhinged voicemail because that is something I am personally a very big fan of

and I can't wait to hear what you have to say. Check out our website, tcbpodcast.com because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website, tcbpodcast.com, because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website, just waiting for you to watch it. Now let's hear from our sponsors and we will get back to Brian and Chrissy chatting about who knows what. Ooh, I found some juicy information for you, Chrissy. Did you tell? I'd like to share this with you. I love these kind of lists that they put out about all the crazy, you know, I found some juicy information for you, Chrissy. Do you like to share this with you?

I love these kind of lists that they put out about all the crazy, you know, I don't know who's getting a grant for the type of research that tells you who's the horniest states in the country. I know. And it's done by like science people, like Mayim Bialik, like those type of scientists. I'm not saying Mayim did this, but. All right, so here it is. Sex, life, oh no, let's go, I have a bunch of them,

but here's one. The rudest city in America is what? Is who? Is which city? Somewhere, I'm gonna think somewhere up north. You would be wrong about this. Oh, okay. Somewhere in Texas.

You'd be wrong, but rightish. They're on the list, but they're not there. Miami, Florida is known as this year's, or last year's rudest city in the country. Yeah, how do you study that? I don't know. This is what they do. They take locals, people who have been there for a decade or more, so they consider them local, right?

A decade or more, and they survey them about their daily interactions, like 46 different daily interactions that they may or may not have or have experienced, like, you know, going to the grocery store, interacting with the clerk, meeting people or saying hello to random people on the street or interaction in a taxi cab or at a lot of social... I wonder if it's because of the different languages or something there. People kind of maybe just don't interact with people as much. Listen, I fucking love Miami.

I really do. I've been going there for a long time. I live not close, but I live within shooting distance of Miami and I love Miami. I love the culture, I love the people, I love the flavor of Miami. I think it's great. I've only been once. I had a great time. I've been there. Yeah, you've only been once? Really? Wow. I love everything about it. And there's different parts of Miami, just like there's different parts of every big city, and this is one of the biggest. But I do have to say that I have noticed over the last five or six years, Miami

has taken on a bit of a different tone and texture. The driving is super fucking aggressive. And I am an aggressive driver and this kind of driving is like super aggressive. Like someone traveling 186 miles per hour down the road on their Ferrari with no police officer in sight, just cutting everybody off. And Pete, when you drive, people, you'll get stuck in that traffic on I-75, I-95, and they'll be five feet in between you and a tractor trailer or the next car. And people will literally go, they'll just go over, just assuming that you're going to slow down and let them in with no blinker or anything. They just take, they just move

over. And that to me is an indication of a rude person, a person who's not a self-aware, who does not understand that there are other people around them that may or may not enjoy their lives also. Also, I will say that my social interactions, especially in places like South Beach, have been a little more curt, a little less polite. Unless I'm like at a hotel or something like that. It just seems like there's a little chip on the shoulder of Miami. The demographic is changing down there all the time, just like it is here in Atlanta. We live in, it's a different culture here in Atlanta than it is in Miami, but we live in similar cities in the

sense that almost no one is here forever. There are so many transplants, it's growing all the time. And the makeup, the like, you know, the makeup, black people, white people, Latin Americans, Russians, Ukraine, whatever it is, it's changing all of the time. That's what I love about Atlanta, actually. And that's what I love about Miami. I love the flavor down there. The diversity. I love the diversity. I love that the Latin culture has really made its mark down on Miami. That's part of why I fell in love with Miami. But I don't know, maybe that doesn't sit well with everybody. Maybe there is a communication issue. I'm not really sure. They don't give

the reasons why. They just say that people's satisfaction level with their interactions with other people in the city is not high. As a matter of fact, it's very low. That's why they got Rue de City in 2023. Okay. Get to the horniest. Oh, the horniest we'll do. I'll have to do another show. But I'll tell you the other cities that round this out. Do you want to know the other cities that round this out? Of course. Okay. The biggest movers of the year, this is not surprising, other towns that have also experienced the same kind of growth and shift that we have seen here in Atlanta that they have seen down in Miami, Charlotte, Louisville, Austin, those places-

As rude? As rude. Really? Well, they didn't make the top 20, but they made the biggest mover list, Charlotte, Louisville, Austin, those places. As rude? As rude. Really? Well, they didn't make the top 20, but they made the biggest mover list, meaning they moved up the charts, the largest amount of spaces.

And that's like, you know, five or more, 10 or more, whatever it is. What are the most, what is the top five? Louisville, Kentucky, Oakland, California, rounds out the top five. And here, I'll give you the other one. Louisville, Kentucky, Oakland, California. Rounds out the top five, and here I'll give you the other one. Willowfall, huh. Number one, Miami.

Number two, it's a map, so I have to keep looking around. Philadelphia. Number three, Tampa, Florida. Number four, oh no, I'm sorry. One is Miami, two is Philadelphia, three is Tampa, four is Louisville, five is Oakland, six is Boston, seven is Memphis, Tennessee. Memphis. Eight is Las Vegas, nine is Long Beach, California, ten is Charlotte, North Carolina.

I'm surprised. I am surprised too, because really when you think of Southern hospitality and Southern charm, it really is true for the most part, I do think. But Charlotte is another, like, booming town. It is. And so, maybe that doesn't sit well with everybody. Maybe people feel like all these outsiders coming in, the town that I've lived in for a long time doesn't feel good to me, and they're rude because they came to my town. Atlanta, nowhere on the list of the top 25. Philadelphia and Boston, the only two northeastern cities, which you would typically think of as the cities.

That's what I would think. They get a bad rap. And actually New York is one of the least rude cities, according to this poll, which, hey, maybe they got everyone's leaving, so maybe everyone's happy. Go to New York. Yeah, they're like, hey, I don't like New York anymore. I like New York, now they're the same. I don't know what to say. I don't know how professional this hey, I don't like New York anymore. I like New York now that they're saying. I don't know what to say. I don't know how professional this is. I don't know who's doing these polls,

but I will say that I agree with some of these cities. Long Beach, Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a miserable town. I'll tell you why, it's why everyone's miserable there. Because if you live there and you have to deal with all the fucking shit heads every day, and I'm not talking about me and Chrissy because we're polite, but I'm talking about the rambling rumbling drunks that just mosey on around the city. You got that damn F1 racing car thing that shut your whole city down for weeks on end.

You got every event in the world coming there. You got those casinos where everyone's either miserable because they're losing money or think they're a millionaire because they made and then you got every event in the world coming there. You got those casinos where everyone's either miserable because they're losing money or think they're a millionaire because they made $10. You know, I can understand why living in a city like Las Vegas could really get under your skin. Plus it gets really hot. I was just there.

The 163 degrees. Yeah, it was crazy. On Christmas day, yeah. It's fucking insane. It's fucking insane. And I've been to Oakland and my experience there was rather nice, but I can see how some people might think that. All right, sex life satisfaction. Let's go to that list. Another professional list done by the NIH. All right,

you want to know, who do you think is the most sexually satisfied state in the nation? Well, Virginia is for lovers. Virginia is for lovers. So, Virginia? Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! What?

Go on, Oklahoma. Get out with your bad side. That's right. Wow, Oklahoma. Shit. Oklahoma. I mean, I see a bunch of white people having missionary sex in Oklahoma.

I know, right? Maybe that's the key to sex satisfaction, to do it the good old fashioned way, the way the Lord intended it. One man, one woman, one penis, one vagina. You know what I'm saying? God. Good for Oklahoma.

They score out of seven, they score 6.792. I mean, how do you exactly take this poll? Like, hey, can I ask you, are you sexually satisfied? Yeah, it was like 11,000 participants, equally broken up into states or something like that. And then they all ranked their sex life a satisfaction, the satisfaction with their sex life. This was both single people, people in all different kinds of relationships, people of all different kinds of orientations. And they rated their sex life from one or zero, I have no satisfaction in my sex life,

to seven, I am very satisfied, like the most kind of satisfied. So they got a 6.79. Jeez, Astrid's moving to Oklahoma tomorrow. That was the highest? That was the highest. Oh. 6.79, but seven is the top score.

Oh, seven's the top score. Seven's the top score. I thought point seven nine. But seven is the top score. Oh seven is the top score. Seven is the top score. I thought you said ten. Number two is Kentucky. Six point five two four. Go Kentucky. Yeah.

It's the, what is it, the blue state or something like that? They're rude and sexually satisfied. They're rude and sexually satisfied. Louisville. Yeah. I didn't find Oklahoma City anywhere on that rude list. They're all jizzed out. They're like, yeah, cool.

They're blissed. All right. Texas're like, yeah, cool. They're blessed. All right. Texas is number three. Maine is number four. It was so fucking cold up there. Everyone just fucks all the time. That's all they do. Iowa, number five. Oklahoma, Kentucky, and Iowa are the most sexually satisfied in the union. They are so, there's nothing to do. They're all just having sex up there. All right, good for you. And Maine, that's okay. Six is Louisiana, seven is Arkansas.

I'll pass on explanation there. Eight is New Hampshire. Still cold, you just, all you wanna do is just cuddle. Yeah. Nine is Georgia and 10 is South Dakota. Okay. Wow. All. Wow. All of these.

A lot of Midwestern stuff. A lot of just states you wouldn't expect. Let's go to the big states and see what they're up to. New York is number 30, Illinois is number 28, California number 45. The least satisfied state in the nation with their sex life, Alaska. Alaska.

Yeah, I'd be pretty fucking miserable with everything too. Yeah. I had to bundle up just to take a piss in my own house. That'd make me pretty upset too, wouldn't it? Yes. I mean, you know, hey, listen to each their own. Very interesting. Very interesting. I'm going to wrap this up before the rest of my voice goes. I know. See, because we got live shows in less than a week. And I'm unable to talk. Or walk. Or walk.

Or digest food properly or stay awake for longer than two hours at a time. I'm turning into Irving right in front of my own eyes. All right, we'll make it. We'll make it. Imagine we have to cancel because I can't talk. Oh, I know, I already thought about that. I'm losing my voice. All right, we'll make it we'll make it Imagine we have to cancel because I can't My voice I'm really losing my voice Well better lose it now than then I guess that's up. Yeah, gotta go rest. Take a big nappy

It's your nappy nappy Any nice sleep sleep Brian need you sleep sleep. I'm taking a nappy nappy with daddy? You want your baby doll? Want your baby doll? Want your binky? How about your chupa? Your chupa, your binky, your moomo? We got one baby. And our youngest needs all the accoutrements.

Baby, pink baby, yellow baby. I got to put four babies in there with her. A moomo, a chupa, a binky, a nana, a baba, a wah wah. It's the whole fuckin' scene. My pool and my youngest crib. The two scenes going on in this house. Or outside that. All right, you heard it right.

We're gonna be in Orlando, in Dania Beach, on the 24th of Dania Improv. At Dania Beach, you can get links by clicking the show notes below, going straight to daniaimprov.com or go to our Instagram or our website. All those places. Don't go anywhere else to buy tickets. You're going to get ripped off. I promise you.

We're going to be at the Bone, the Bone, the Orlando Funny Bone on the 25th. We can't wait to see you. Go to the Funny Bone website website links down below website or Instagram all those places you can find the authorized link to buy tickets there are still tickets available Don't let anyone tell you any anything else They're going for eight hundred and twenty dollars Chrissy. I saw over the weekend It is crazy what game are they playing I don't get it how to lose money What game are they playing? I don't get it. I don't know.

How to lose money? TCBpodcast.com more information about Chrissy and I, all the audio, all the video right there. Get your free sticker, go to the contact us button, hit the dropdown menu, give us your address and away the sticker will go 212-433-83-TCB, 212-433-3822 at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok.

Okay Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe until we see you live. Chrissy and I do say, we will say and we must say.

Goodbye. Goodbye. I have it!