The Commercial Break - The Simon Cowell of Art

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Episode #591: We know this advice is probably 2 years too late, buuut we are going to answer these Ask TCBs anyway!  The DNC was poppin' Starbucks Revving down Jolt Cola Big deal birthdays Bryan famously hates attention  Ask TCB Picking up women It’s all about a conversation and being yourself Opportunity! Small minded people Having the hard conversations Bryan is the Simon Cowell of art B Movies NextDoor nonsense Come To Our Shows: Dania Beach Improv (Tuesday, Sept. 24th) The Funny Bone Orlando (Wednesday, Sept. 25th) Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com CREDITS: Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer:  Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Baseball is finally back! Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager, Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Baseball is finally back. Get in on major league action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time

action. Embrace a season's worth of swings with Bet MGM, your one stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for T's and C's. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. It's 65 hot dogs, you better win some money. And I mean a pretty penny. Because if I'm shoving all them wieners down me like that... I'm leaving here with something. On this episode of The Commercial Break... Send us some of your art.

Send us some of your art. Let me determine whether or not... You should get another dead- end job or try and make a living doing this. I'll give you my own. I'm the Simon Cowell of painting. I don't know if you know that. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Oh yeah, kids and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break.

I'm Brian Green. This is the Jendimide Ben and Kristen Joy. Only best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Wow. What an exciting week last week of 3.30 in the morning speeches by Democrats.

I stayed up way too late. Yeah, so did I. week of 3.30 in the morning speeches by Democrats. I stayed up way too late. Yeah, so did I. One night I just had to put out. I'm like, I can't do it anymore. I gotta give one thing to the RNC. They got the older crowd, at least they get it done. They wrap it up by like 8.15.

But I guess when you, I don't know, because it's in Chicago, it's an hour earlier there than it is here and they're trying to get the West Coast and I get it, but wow, what a show. What a show the DNC put on. I mean, it was the best music I've seen in a while. Yeah, I gotta say, we don't get political here, but I do have to say that someone posted a comparison,

music at the RNC versus music at the DNC. No question, no question the DNC had them beat. No question. I mean, what a ruckus event. Everyone was going crazy. It was a party. Yeah, it made the RNC seem kind of sleepy. Like, you know, Trump had just had

the terrible assassination attempt and then you go into the RNC, there's a lot of energy for Trump and his from his supporters and I thought in my opinion I thought like the RNC should have put on something like the DNC did and they would have really like you know gotten everybody all jacked up but then they had some like cover band playing you know and Kid Rock. Oh and Kid Rock yes the American music legend, Kid Rock. I honestly can't stand that guy.

I never have been able to stand him, but whatever, that's my own opinion. That's not, whatever. Anyway, hey Chrissy, you've been asking for it. Now you're gonna get it. Ask TCB, where the questions are probably a year and some change. Oh. I know, I have been asking you and some change. Oh, I know.

I've been asking you for it. I know. I know. We've been putting this off for a long time and I know that there's some people who, you know, they dutifully write in and they ask their questions, but there's a few things that I need to go through first. First, I need to make sure that it is like when someone writes in, sometimes they don't always write it in a way where it makes sense for air.

And I do not want to put words in people's mouths. So, first and foremost, I have to respond to them and then say, hey, can we doll this up a little bit so that it sounds good on air, right? I don't want to take your words. And then second of all, do I indeed have permission to use your name or any kind of facts that they might put in there? So, there's, it takes a little bit to kind of get that going. But even then, that could only take like a couple of weeks or like a year behind. So I apologize. I hope you're still listening out there.

Probably not. Probably not. Probably not. But I thought we'd do an Ask TCB today. I thought we'd do some next doors. I've been making screenshots of next doors that I see here and there. And I found that it was super important, important to, uh, to tell you what's going on here, just north of Atlanta, where everyone seems like they don't know

how to use a computer or social media. Or a ladder. It is, or a ladder. That's true. Or a ladder. It is absolutely, uh, insane, but I will share a little story before we get to all that. I will share a little story. I decided today that I was going to take a walk up to my local coffee shop,

which happens to be Starbucks. And I go to Starbucks, not, you know, I like the coffee there, but I'm not like particularly brand loyal. I could go to a regular. You used to do caribou. Loved caribou. I loved it. And I don't know what happened.

They shit the bed. It's like the Starbucks overlords just kind of took over. But Starbucks recently has not been doing so hot. That's right. I read about that. Economically. And they've been closing a lot of stores. And there's one on every, there's two on every corner, actually, if you've noticed. They're all over the place. And they've been closing stores and sales have been down and so they've really been trying to get people in by jacking up The product there by jacking down the prices and jacking up the amount of items that they in fact sell inside the store And I never I never understand this kind of philosophy

Let's put more stuff on the menu like coffee is coffee and the others to do a couple different variations But if you go to an Italian if you go to a coffee shop in Italy And you ask for a double Mapa Frappa crap a fucking yeah They're like they're gonna be like how about a coffee with some cream? You're gonna be like that sounds good, and it's gonna taste delicious right it's gonna taste better than any coffee you ever had Yeah, now I like Starbucks, so I'm not knocking the place, but man have they expanded their menu into some crazy shit They've now got like, I don't know, energy. Remember those energy drinks at what's that sandwich shop?

Panera. Panera that was killing people? Yes, yes. Excuse me, for liability purposes, to make sure my attorneys and our agents allegedly killing people because they had this energy drink that had like 380 milligrams of caffeine per serving and a Starbucks cup of coffee has 280 milligrams and that'll get you pretty well jacked up I mean, that's a lot of fucking caffeine Yeah

And there were people who were just sitting there doing homework or whatever eating their sandwiches and they were going back for refills because the drink Tasted good not realizing that they were in fact overdosing themselves on caffeine and a few people with heart problems unfortunately passed away. So Panera took that off the menu. They decided, either they took it off the menu or- Nicole Soule-Nicholson They jacked down. They revved down. Jared Sienkiewicz They revved down. They said, we're just going to make like little tiny little cups and we'll give them to you so we can monitor how much we're actually giving to you rather than having the free for all over there.

Now, when I was a kid, I think I told you this, there was something called Jolt Cola. Do you remember Jolt Cola? Kind of. Jolt Cola, which I think is still around, I think you can buy it. Jolt Cola was a super energy drink, highly caffe, before we really had highly caffeinated energy drinks. Some enterprising young startup soda company decided if we just put a lot of caffeine in something that kind of tastes like Coca-Cola

that's been sitting out in the sun for too long, then kids will love it because they'll be able to get jacked up. Kids and truckers and teenagers that wanna stay up late. And it became a news item. So, therefore, I watched the news as a young man and really wanted to buy this legal drug called Jolt's Cola. What would it do to me? How could I get it? So, when I was a teenager, I worked at the McDonald's. And when I worked at the McDonald's, it was a 24-hour gas station down the street.

So, we would close up shops sometimes. Let's say we were closing on a Saturday night, and then we had to open on a Sunday morning. There's not many hours in between there. You close at midnight, you get done cleaning at 1 or 1.30, then you got to be back by 3.30 to open by 5, right? Right. So one time a friend of mine and I decided we were going to walk to the gas station

after we got done closing. We were going to buy some Jolt Cola and some pure, what do they call those easy, what were those pills we used to take? No-Dose. No-Dose. No-Dose, which is a caffeine pill. That's all it is. It's just pure caffeine in a pill.

And you swallow it and you're jacked for, I don't know, 15 or 20 minutes before you get a terrible headache and want to take a nap. So we decide we're going to buy a bottle of Jolt Cola and some No-Dose and take them. Full and all nighter. That's right. We're going to go to the, to the Taco Bell, which is also open 24 hours, and they allow you to smoke inside. We're going to buy a taco, we're going to get jacked on caffeine, and we're just going to smoke until we're sick to our stomachs. I am telling you what. What a Friday night. A Saturday night indeed. And I'll tell you that I have never felt so sick in my entire life. I'm sure. In my entire life. It was horrible, terrible. It was a bad mistake because it wasn't like

we just decided to let's take half a No-Dos and drink a little sip of Jolt, see how it goes and then we'll, no, we split the pack of No-Dos, we downed them right away, ate the taco and swallowed it down with a bunch of Jolt Cola. I was jittery for weeks. I swear to God I was. I can only imagine. Yes. Well, now Starbucks has decided it's not only the caffeine in their grande, HEPA-DEPA, multi-filtered extra crapuccino shit isn't enough. They're going to put together fruity, really good tasting super energy drinks. And they were giving away free samples.

And so I know, I'm not, you know, now I'm, I'm, you're onto it. I wised up back then and now I'm onto it. I know that we shouldn't be drinking this stuff, but, and I'm already drinking Starbucks coffee. So the people that I know up there, Hey, they get this big tray of all these beautiful carbonated ref, I've just taken a walk up there, you know, I'm a little sweaty, carbonated, refreshing drinks. Well, I don't know what this is. And the girl says to me, hey, try our new plum berry soda drink, you're going to love it,

it's so delicious. And I'm like, ah, okay. I take one down. And I'm like, wow, that is really good. I'm sitting there at the end of the bar, I'm like, wow, that is really good. That is tasty. Have another one. We got plenty. Okay. Here's our, you know, here's our cherry berry, flurry flavor. And I'm like, oh, let me try that. Delicious. Let me just have one more. Can I have one more? Yeah, yeah. Here's our purple nurple, you know, try that one. Delicious. Love it. Chrissy, I am walking back from that coffee shop today. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I could feel Chrissy, I am walking back from that coffee shop today. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I could feel the heart, my heart beating out of my chest. I was getting dizzy. I was like, Oh my God, Oh my God, what's going on? I got

to really get in shape. I'm totally out of shape right now. I look at my watch. It's like 192 beats per minute. I'm like, Holy fucking God. The alarm is going off. The alarm is going beep beep. You are in active heart attack mode. Call an ambulance immediately. I was so jacked for like 15 minutes. And then I get back to the house. I'm pacing around the house, back and forth, back and forth.

Blue's following me because she knows I'm about to die and she's going to eat my carcass. And so I'm walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And then it comes, the crash. Vroom! It just happened in like two minutes.

I swear to God it did. In two minutes, I went from pacing around my house to I have to lay down right this second before I fall asleep standing up. And I did, I fell asleep for like a 15 minute power nap. When I woke up, I had a headache and I was like, fuck. Well I'm like, what in the world? I Google what this new drink is and it's a super caffeinated extra, you know, they have, I don't know, extra crystal methamphetamine infused, you know, wild berry flavor mountain daffodil sunflower bullshit. It's that shit's, I'm not saying you shouldn't drink it, I'm saying you should not drink it because

it is really caffeinated. That shit gets you in trouble. It can. You know, Dave Grohl went to the hospital. He was like, take him to the emergency room. Oh, that's right. Jeff had to go to the emergency room too. Yeah, he was drinking those Red Bull, I think it was. Well, yeah, the PCP he was taking. Don't take the purple PCP.

Yeah, they were giving away free, you know, free stuff. It was either Red Bull or Monster, I can't remember. But yeah, Jeff was drinking those. It was the last day of the festival. He was, you know, tired as he had been working, you know, nonstop for all of these weeks, really, to get ready to that. And same thing. He thought he was having a heart attack.

Yeah. I mean, we had to go to the medical tent. And the medical tent then said, let's go to the hospital. Yes. Yes. And that's where I rode in the ambulance. Oh, yeah. The front seat. Yeah. And it turned out, he just needed to get some fluids and he was dehydrated and just over caffeinated. Yeah. You texted me. I think you texted me like when you're on the way to the hospital. Yeah. I'm on my way to the hospital with Jeff, and I was like what? He does not drink those at all anymore. I don't drink them either, it's too much.

Listen, I used to like a good Red Bull every once in a while, especially when I was working in the restaurant industry because they were readily available behind the bar, you just grab one. I got used to the cough syrup flavor of Red Bull and eventually kind of liked it. I was like, Oh, okay. It's not all that bad.

Yeah, it does. One of my favorite high caffeine drinks is Mountain Dew. Now I know I'm a three year old when I say this, but Mountain Dew to me really does taste good. And it's such a, it's also highly caffeinated. It's like the most high, it's the most caffeinated regular soda on the market. Is Mountain Dew. I believe it still is.

It's the most caffeinated regular soda on the market, is Mountain Dew, I believe it still is. But, Red Bull is like kind of adjunct to that, the taste is to me, so I kind of got used to it, but not in my advanced age. I am on my way to the villages and I want to make it there, so I'm going to try to calm down on the energy drinks. Did you see that they had, when you were at your Starbucks, did you see they had all the pumpkin spice back out too?

Oh yeah. I think they just brought that out earlier. I think they're going to keep it out all year long now. Yeah. Well, great for the pumpkin spice because last year the girls convinced me to do the pumpkin cream iced coffee bullshit. And by the time we got to mid October, I was asking for an actual cup of the pumpkin cream. Screw the coffee, I just want the cream. That shit was delicious.

And I have always been one of those guys who's been like, pumpkin fucking spice, what are you people talking about? That's disgusting. I hate pumpkin. I would never, I don't like the flavor. It's the spice. It's the spice. And what is in the spice? I don't know. A little bit of this. A little bit of this and a little bit of that.

And wha-bam! You have 10% store over store sales. Right. What's that guy's name? Schultz will be happy with this. I put a little pumpkin spice and 500 milligrams of caffeine and a friendly face at the front and union busting managers and wha-bam! A starbuck!

Yeah, it's very, very interesting how that pumpkin spice drives people batty. I mean, it really does. And until I actually tried it, I was like, you people are fucking insane. I bought a pumpkin spice spice one time, I think it was from Trader Joe's, and thinking I was going to use it and all kinds of stuff. It sat there for like two years. Well yeah, I'm not going to go that crazy. I'm not going to, because Halloween is probably my least favorite of the holidays.

It's one of my favorites. I know it is. I just, I don't know. Sometimes my household as a child was kind of sad. Like, I have a birthday coming up and Astrid is like begging me. She's like, what do you want to do for your birthday? Can I get your friends together? Like, can I help? Can we do a party? Do you want to do a dinner? And I'm like, I know, I don't want to do any of that. And she's like, you're such at dinner and I'm like, I know, I don't want to do any of that. And she's like, you're such a shit head when it comes to your birthday. What kind of fuckery went on in your household as a child that you do not

want to celebrate your birthday. Yeah. And I'm like, it's, it's not a special, it's the day that I was born. I do. I really do. I was listening to somebody else say they felt that way. I think it's because when I was a kid, birthdays were not a deal. It was not a thing.

And you might get one gift from my parents, and you might have a happy birthday card. If you were lucky, there was always a cake, but it was always that shitty out of a box cake. We didn't do birthday parties. I almost never had friends over. I had all of that. I was also the first of any of the grandchildren, too. OK, so that's a little bit different. I was one had friends over. I had all of that. I was also the first of any of the grandchildren too.

Okay, so that's a little bit different. I was one of 62 grandchildren. So I would always get a phone call from my grandma or my grandpa on my birthday, but it was, you know, and you get the card with $3 in it or whatever, and I just felt sad to me for some reason. And now at my advanced age,

after I've done this a couple, now I'm starting to feel sad for a different reason. I'm like, shit, I don't like that number. I wanted to go the other way. And I don't want to be difficult, but I know I am. It's not because I want to be a shithead. It's because I don't know how, I guess, like a lot of people. Do you feel guilty about like, you know, making it a special day? I feel guilty about being born. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I feel guilty about being born. Oh, you should. No, I don't feel guilty about being born. Yeah, I feel...

Guilty like celebrating it? You don't want the attention? Believe it or not. And I know that this is hard to accept from a guy who gets on this microphone and acts like an idiot four times a week. I don't like a lot of attention paid to me unless I, unless I'm directing. Yeah, unless I'm in control of it. Unless like I'm doing it my way, right? I don't want you to do it your way. I want it done my way.

So Astrid threw a 40th birthday party for me when I turned 40. It was a surprise party. I came to that, yeah. I had no idea. It was a costume. I had no idea until my best friend, Raphael, who was in charge of getting me out of the house,

he told me at the bar after a few beers, he was like, dude, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but I know you, I know you, and he knew me. And to be fair enough, he knew me, right? He was like, I'm not gonna tell you what's gonna happen, but we get back to the house. You don't act like a dick like you normally do on your birthday.

Right. Acting funny. And I'm like, what? No, what the fuck is going on? He's like, I told you, I'll get it out of your system now. Don't act like a dick when you get them. Because that's just how I am. I don't want a fuss made over me, especially over something as silly as the day that I was born. I had no control over that. And Astrid's like, but it's another year around the sun. I'm like, but you could say that about last Tuesday. I mean, honestly, we could just keep on going with that. There's some truth to that.

There is, yeah. But you've contributed so much to the world. Well, thank you. I appreciate that, Chrissy. And you know, but I always, and now with my own kids, I make such a big fucking stink about their birthdays because I don't wanna repeat of what happened to me and as a child.

And listen, that's no fault of my parents. Maybe that's just the way they were also born. My mom was one of eight. Like, I mean, you know, how could you possibly make a big deal out of, you'd be making a big deal out of everything every third day with eight children. But the other thing is that I also think that the birthdays are a bigger deal to the human that had the birth,

like pushed out the baby. So every time we have a birthday, I'm always like, babe, this is your day too, because you really did a lot for her. So, yeah, so ignore my birthday, everybody, which is January 4th. Okay, no, it's not. I know when it is. But you know, what I'll do is I'll walk up to Starbucks, I'll get me some extra flour dandelion energy drink with some pumpkin spice on it. Well, and you'll probably get it for free

because you get a free drink on your birthday at Starbucks. Yeah, hey, listen, I get free drinks up there all the time. There's like a rotating cast of, like any Starbucks, there's 30 people up there, and they're all always giving me some kind of discount or free drink. No, don't worry about it today. But because the same person never works the register twice,

sometimes I'll go a whole week with free coffee, and I feel bad. And I always tip. You tip, yeah. Well, normally my policy is what, really? Am I tipping you really? Honestly, the tifflation is out of control. But because I know them, and I also know how difficult their lives are in some small way or big way, like,

I don't know them intimately, but I hear stories or they say something to me and I'm like, let me give you a dollar or two dollars or whatever it is. So I think they feel like, oh, he's a nice guy. Let's give him a free... The big tipper. Yeah. What is it going to mean to the Starbucks overlords if I give Brian a free cold brew? You're the reason they're in economic trouble. That's what's happening. Yeah. What is it going to mean to the Starbucks overlords if I give Brian a free cold brew? You're the reason they're in economic trouble. That's what's happening. I might be. All these discounts they're giving me. Or the six, seven, or eight times I have just

forgotten to bring a form of payment up there and I'm like, I just walked all the way up here. And they're like, don't worry about it. I got it. I'll be like, I'll be back later. And they're like, don't even worry about it. That's what I do on dates too. I'm like, oh, I'll be back later. And they're like, don't even worry about it. You know, that's what I do on dates too. I'm like, oh, I just took you out to a nice steak dinner and I totally forgot my wallet. Listen, I'll get you back and then ghost you. You can't really get away with that anymore, right? The Apple pay. That's right. That's why I don't wear any electronics to my, I don't date anybody because I got a beautiful wife. You don't bring sand to the beach, please. All right, enough yammering. Let's take a break. And when we return, a long-awaited Ask TCB.

For the anticipation. Yeah, long-awaited, especially by the three or four people who I've actually chosen to pull out their questions and ask. And then some next door posts that you're going to love toward the end of the show. We'll be back. Okay, you guys, I have an idea. Why don't we take a break? Gotcha. This is the break. And you already know when you hear my sexy voice, it's time to whip your phone out and

follow us on Instagram or skip the ads at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And of course, you know, if you want to get involved, you can always give us a call or text us at 212-433-3TCB. That is 212-433-3822. And guess what? I finally have information on TCB live.

So the links are in the show notes, but let me tell you right now, you can come see us at Dania Beach Improv on Tuesday, September 24th, or at the Funny Bone Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th. It's gonna be fab. So go buy your tickets and we'll see you in Florida. Now at Joe Fresh, get 25% off all children's apparel only until Monday, September 2nd. Shop smart with one cart and check everything off your back to school list all in one place. Now that's some smart shopping.

Conditions and exclusions apply. See in store or joefresh.com for details. Hey there, I'm Kendra Adachi and my show, The Lazy Genius Podcast, helps you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't, and you get to decide what matters. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to give you a new way to see. Episodes of the Lazy Genius podcast

are full of compassionate time management tips and permission slips to do what makes sense for you. New episodes drop every Monday. Follow and listen to the Lazy Genius podcast on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. What does possible sound like for your business? It's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit. Redefine possible with Business Platinum.

That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit amex.ca slash business platinum. I am loving this. We're here in the studio and on the break we flip on the TV. There is a new Elvira channel. I don't know if it's an Elvira channel, but it's a channel that's playing Elvira, the Elvira, the show.

Yeah, I love that show. What was it called? Late night on Friday night or something like that. Late Friday night, Friday nights. I forget Saturday night, something like that. Elvira, who was like kind of this witchy woman, would play these... The sexy witchy woman. Sexy, man.

Mm-hmm. The tight black dress, low cut. It still holds up. I'm telling you what, it still holds up. I think it, because I was so young when I first saw Elvira and she had those big boobs just hanging out of her shirt. I think that was like my first, may have like my first, may have been my first like, oh shit, I got a boner for a reason. You know what I'm saying? I finally figured out why this thing got hard when I saw those things. And I'm telling you what, Elvira still holds up today as an extraordinarily beautiful woman, but they're replaying these old B-movie. What is this guy doing? There's like one guy's, okay, we won't get into that,

but I'm not gonna get distracted by the Elvira movie that's currently on. But- The one we watched the other day was funny. It was like a LSD party mixed with Clue. Yes, it was like a really trippy Clue, and there was like an old man, and he was like, far out dude. Chill, man,

nothing's gonna happen. Stay easy, bro. It was funny. It was a movie from the 60s. It was really funny. Okay. Ask TCB. Okay. Now, I want to preface this by saying you should not, if you're having an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Listen closely. our menu options have recently changed. Our advice is in no way advice you should take. I don't know why I have to preface saying that, but there's a lot of people on earth

and not all of them are Wells. I just wanna make sure. So, ask TCB, here it comes. Hey Brian, love you man. This is from Paul, by the way. Hey Brian, love you man. I love how your, by the way. Hey Brian, love you man. I love how your brain works. So I want your opinion on something.

You're always breaking down videos about pickup artists and talking about what idiots they are. But I'm one of those guys who would watch those videos to get help with my quote unquote game. Oh. 27 years old. I don't consider myself ugly, but I'm certainly no Glen Powell. He said Brad Pitt, but I put Glen Powell because I wanted to years old. I don't consider myself ugly, but I'm certainly no Glenn Powell. He said Brad Pitt, but I put Glenn Powell because I wanted to update it. I've only had one girlfriend in my life.

We were together for about nine years and we broke up after about, and we broke up about three years ago. It took me about a year to get over it, but now I'm trying to get out there more. What would be your advice on how to approach a girl I found attractive at a bar or social event? You remember that pole-violeting guy who was wearing those really skinny tight spandex and his dick was like five feet long. If your dick is five feet long I would highly recommend walking around in Lululemon. That's right. Nothing says I'm ready for action like Lululemon. Listen, bro, I'm the last person you should be asking this question to. I have zero game,

and Chrissy will tell you this. Well, I do have the Brian eye. That means for some strange reason, I've like Cheshire cat eyes that when I'm a little bit drunk, you know, sometimes somebody across the bar will figure it, will get put under my charming spell. But I would be the guy when I was single who would sit at a bar and even though there was 150 beautiful single human beings around me, I would hit on the one person in the bar who was never going to give me the time of day and that's the bartender. But I wouldn't hit on them. I'd just like try and make small chat while they were working. I'd be like, man, this cold Bud Light sure does taste good. You know what

I'm saying? And they'd be like, yeah, okay, great guy. I need a credit card to open up a tab. And I'd be like, isn't that funny? We always have to have credit cards these days. They'd be like, yeah, you got to give me one or I'll kick you out of the bar. And I'd be like, speaking of kick, and I used to play soccer. I don't know if you're the guy with big thighs, but I was terrible at picking up women, terrible at this. Well, I think that you also, because I saw you in action for many years

as we were in our single days running around together, but you're very personable. And also you're not trying to pick somebody up. And I think that in itself, you shouldn't try. I think you're right about that, is that my key to getting women to pay attention to me was just to talk to them. Like not necessarily picking them up or, you up or trying to hustle them. Like saying a line or a no. Yes, none of that shit, you know?

Or I see some guys at the bar, they meet a girl three seconds later, they're sticking their tongue down their throat. I'm not that kind of guy, I'm not Glenn Powell. They're not gonna be attracted to my raw sexiness, you know what I'm saying? I don't have some musk coming off me that says this guy needs to be tackled, that's right.

Yeah, you got, I'm a acquired taste, you gotta, musk coming off me that says, this guy needs to be tackled. That's right. You got, I'm a acquired taste. You got to work into me. I'm like a wine. You got to open and let me breathe for a while. So therefore, and I knew that very early on because really at the end of the day, I was just a shy kid who found a voice. So for me, just be yourself. If you see a young lady, I'm assuming that you're attracted to young ladies because that's what you said, if you see a young lady at the bar or at the social event that you find attractive, first of all, they gotta have that smell. Here's the key. Do they have the smell? Are you like, is there raw attraction to this person or are they just a pretty girl? Because

just because someone's pretty doesn't mean they're for you. Just because someone's attractive doesn't mean they're necessarily going to be for you. Do they have that je ne sais quoi that makes… That's right, for you. Yes. Let me give you an example. I went to a social event one time and there were a number of single people there, yet I picked the most batshit crazy of them and took them home for the next four years. And listen, I say that jokingly, right? But what I do know is that there was something about that human being that made me very attracted to her,

even though there were other people in the crowd that may have been more attractive physically, or I probably could have gone up and talked to also. It was that one, I singled it out. Why? I don't fucking know. It's that X factor. It's that thing that you just can't put your finger on. It is that thing. So you got to learn to hone your spidey senses a little bit. Then you just kind of work your way over there and see if you can get a word in edgewise, right? Now, if there is a girl sitting with a table of, if she's like sitting with a bunch of other guys,

not the best move to go up and talk to her. I would say you look for opportunities also. You know, what is it? Opportunity is the mother of invention? Well, opportunity is the mother of intention also. And that means when you see an opportunity to talk to somebody, take it. The worst that can happen is that they just don't like you

and you walk away from the conversation. Yeah, it's okay to be rejected. That's right. And I think that 90% of the human beings that you will talk to in most situations are going to at least say hi back. Now, you might not get their phone number, but who fucking cares? Okay, you know, you lose 100% or you don't make 100% of the shots you don't take. Isn't that what they say? So, bro, all seriousness, be yourself. There's a nice guy, cool guy, sexy dude, somewhere down in there. You don't have to try and find that. Just try and find your own voice, like how you talk to people. Go talk to a girl like that if you find her attractive. And call me back and let me know

how that goes. It's 9.99 plus 9.99 shipping and handling for that course, this course, thank you very much. But I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. What you shouldn't do. Or do those courses. Yes, do any of those courses or pay for those courses because they're going to try and make you think that there's some scientific magic formula

to all that bullshit. And I just don't think there is. I think it's just like time, space, energy, fate, it all comes together. But you do have to put yourself out there. You do. Yeah, that is for sure. You're not going to get laid sitting at home playing Minecraft. That is for sure not going to happen. I say that, but then you could call a lady of the night and ask her to come over and have sex, but who wants to do that for the rest of their lives? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I wish you the best of luck.

I know you're 27 years old, dude. You got so much time in front of you. So much time in front of you. I didn't find Astor until I was 63. That was over 20 years ago. Look at me now. I'm 83. I'm doing great.

Another year around the sun. One more year around the sun. Hey, Brian and Chrissy. Abby here. Hey, Abby. Love you too. You're honestly my favorite part around the sun. Hey, Brian and Chrissy, Abbie here. Hey, Abbie, love you too. You're honestly my favorite part of the day. I love getting up each Tuesday through Friday, taking a run and getting in my daily laugh with TCB.

All right, thanks, Abbie. But I have a question for you. I am gay and I have a girlfriend. We've been together for almost two years. Our families are pretty supportive of our relationship, but my girlfriend has a brother who is pretty extreme in ideologies and beliefs. I know you guys don't talk about politics, so I won't mention specific ideologies or

beliefs, but I think you get where I'm going. He's always cordial to us at family events and gatherings, but recently she had a big family barbecue and a number of his friends showed up. It got really uncomfortable really quickly. A few of them were snickering in the corner and some of them didn't even talk to me. I don't think I was making this up in my head or paranoid. I think they really didn't want to be around me because I was gay. That's not the problem.

I've dealt with that before. My concern is how my girlfriend handled it. She actually left me for about 30 minutes to go talk to her brother and his friends and didn't even wave me over or introduce me properly. This has really been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks and I don't want to make a huge deal of it, but I do want to say something. How would you handle it? Your bad advice is welcome in this situation. I mean, I think you have to voice your concern to your girlfriend. Be honest. If you can't

talk to your girlfriend about this, you got to find another girlfriend. You know what I'm saying? I have feelings you didn't do this. And maybe she thought she was protecting her girlfriend from her brother and his dumb friends. Yeah, I mean, your girlfriend cannot extricate herself from the bigoted side of her family. That's the unfortunate part. None of us can. None of us can.

Oh man, do I wish we could sometimes. But you know, there's always one idiot in the crowd, and her brother happens to be the idiot, or uninformed, or not intelligent, or whatever you want to say. But it's clear that he's got some, you know, he leans in a certain direction that's small-minded. That's okay, you said it. We all deal with that in some way, shape or form. We've all got some idiot that doesn't like us for some small-minded reason. Actually,

Christi and I have quite a few people that don't like us for some small-minded reason. Or maybe it's not that small-minded. Maybe they're the ones who really know what's going on and we're small-minded. But I would say that if you cannot open up this discussion immediately with your girlfriend, then I don't know how deeply the two of you are connected. The truth is what Chrissy said is that you don't know what her intention was. To sweep something like that under the rug is not a good idea. And now you're weeks. Well, actually, now you're a year and a half. Let us know if you're still together. Let us know if you're still together. But this is like one of the key foundations of

a relationship. You have to be able to communicate. Listen, Astrid and I do this all the time. We might go, okay, actually, Astrid never goes too long without sharing why she's upset with me because of something that I've done. And also she has a terrible poker face. She will slam, you know, she'll hit, close the cabinet a little extra hard, she'll stomp her feet down the hallway. I know when something's wrong. And I just figure, let's nip it in the bud right now. Let's just get it over with. It's best to not let it fester. Yeah. I, on the other hand, have a great poker face, and sometimes I do let things fester for a couple of days before I share it. But the reality is,

if you're going to at all have a lengthy relationship with this woman, who you've been with for a long time, by the way, it sounds like you all have been together for a minute, then you have to learn how to say the hard things out loud in a way, listen, I've said this for years and I'll continue to say it. I've been saying it to my children a lot lately. You can tell the truth. You can be truthful without being hurtful.

You can be truthful without being hurtful. My feelings were hurt at the barbecue in 2019 that we went to. I've been thinking about it ever since. I've been thinking about it ever since that we went to. When you went off in the corner and talked to your brother and his shithead friends, and you didn't even wave me over to kind of ease the whole situation or to introduce me or to try and at least move things over. I think the girlfriend was trying to save her and was maybe embarrassed by him and thought,

let me just go take care of it and protect. You very well might be right about this. And, you know, so that's my advice to you. This is more of a serious question. I don't want to make a big joke about it. But you gotta find out. You do have to find out. You gotta ask.

Don't sweep that shit under the rug. I'm wondering what you guys do talk about at night. Like, honestly, that sounds like a conversation right for Astrid and I to have a three hour long down the rabbit hole conversation where I did everything wrong and she's always right. Which by the way, 99% of the time is factually accurate. So, okay. Hey TCB, listen to you every day when I can while I'm working at my terrible job. I hate it. They treat me like shit. I'm not sure most people I work with know my name and my boss

is just a bully, but I need the money. I really want to be an artist and just paint for a living, but I don't even know where to start. I've put a few of my pieces in some local art galleries and art shows, but nothing has sold. So I don't think I'm going to be making a living doing this anytime soon. What kind of advice do you have for a 22 year old unskilled woman looking to get out of her dead end job and do something that makes her happy? I was thinking about being an Instagram model, but I believe my boobs are too small. Best to you both. Advice welcome. I've got one word, Etsy. I've got two words, boob job.

No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I mean. You know, I mean, you can make money and put your stuff for sale. Yeah. And there's something for everyone, including small boobs. That's right. Some people really like the small boobs. I like small boobs.

Go for both of those. I'm into small boobs. Now, don't send me pictures of small boobs, but I'm into small boobs. Go for both of those. I'm into small boobs. Now don't send me pictures of small boobs, but I'm into small boobs. Go for both of them, like Etsy and Instagram. Our only fans, I don't know. You're right on it. There are so many ways to make money as an artist freelancing may not make you a living.

Might have to supplement. You might have to supplement, but also you're in your early 20s. A lot of these artists don't become millionaires until they're dead. And I know that's cold comfort for someone who's trying to make a living while they're alive doing this.

But there are lots of people, lots and lots and lots of people. Look at Chrissy and I. We did not get into this until well, until we were middle-aged human beings. We didn't start doing this. And it looks like by the time we get to our 70s, we may be making a living doing this.

So it's not that easy to just be a creative, and you know, there's all these books and movies, and you know, all of a sudden someone quits their day job and they're following their dream and living their best life. And if you look on Instagram, every third human being is in Mallorca currently on a yacht, you know, with a string bikini on, looking like Kylie Jenner and making a million dollars

doing nothing valuable to Earth. But the truth is, is that they are also probably have a day job where they're miserable and their boss is a bully. Listen, I say this in all sincerity and understanding where you're coming from, because I, Chrissy and I also did it for a long time. I have had a series of jobs that I dislike

with a fucking passion. But that- Dread. Then's the breaks. That is life. And it ain't gonna change anytime soon. No government is gonna start handing us checks just to live and breathe and do the thing

that we wanna do. So oftentimes you have to do both at the same time. You can work and then find purpose in other things that you do. And the truth is that not everybody is going to be a multi-millionaire artist. It's just not going to happen. Not everyone is going to become a multi-dollar air podcaster. But Chrissy and I are working hard at that. We're working hard to make that first dollar. And I will tell you what, if you never find riches in art, you will always find comfort in it and you will find creativity in it and you will find love and, you know, space and freedom somewhere on that canvas. But you may not be able to do it,

like just do that for a living. However, if you put your reps in and you keep doing it, there is a good shot that someone or an audience of people are going to be attracted to what you're doing and they'll be willing to pay you some something, whether that's energy, time, compliments, whatever it is, money, something so that you can get a little boost in that passion that you have for being an artist.

Plus you're- Keep going. Yeah, you are so incredibly young. This is the beginning of your life. You have plenty of time to, I'm sorry, you have plenty of time to sort this all out. You keep trucking, you keep telling that, you keep talking shit about your boss behind his back at the water cooler, because that's what we

all do. And by the way, if your boss is really that much of a fucking bully, there's another dead end job somewhere where the boss is nice. Right? Yeah. You don't have to feel stuck in that. You can actually go find another dead end job where there's a nice guy on the other, a nice girl on the other side of that. I love you, I love your passion, and I think you're gonna do just fine. Like I said, doesn't always work out monetarily. I don't want to, I don't want to blow smoke up anybody's ass, right? And make them think that it's just easy to quit your job and go there. Because like I said, that's a fantasy that we all have, but it doesn't always work out. It doesn't

always work out. Not everybody becomes Taylor Swift. As a matter of fact, only one person became Taylor Swift and she's exceedingly rare, you know? And, but send us some of your art. Send us some of your art. Let me determine whether or not you should, you should get another dead end job or try and make a living doing this. I'll give you my own.

I'm the Simon Cowell of painting. I don't know if you know that, but I'm here for it. I'm here for you. And we love you too. Keep on trucking kid. It's okay, you got this. You got this, don't worry about it. Look at us, I feel like we're giving positive advice today,

Chrissy. I feel like most of the time we just end up being jerks. Now I feel like we're being jerks with a positive spin. That's right. Crushing people's dreams. See, being truthful without being hurtful. Crushing people's dreams, see, being truthful without being hurtful. Crushing people's dreams in a nice way. You're taking your own advice.

That's right. All right, Chrissy and I are gonna watch some of this Elvira movie, and then we'll be back after these words. Hello, my fans. I mean, Brian and Chrissy's fans. Boy, have I got news for you. We are officially coming to Florida for TCB Live.

That's right, you can come see Brian's bald head shining under the stage lights at Daniel Beach Improv on Tuesday, September 24th and at the Funny Bone in Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th. If you can't make it to see us in person, text us or call us at 212-433-3TCB and leave us a little love note instead. As always, please, please, please follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. Our content is shockingly good.

So get after it. And you already know I put every single one of those links in the show notes. You're welcome. I'm not going back to university to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber One for students. It saves you on Uber and Uber Eats. I'm there for zero dollar delivery fee on cheeseburgers, up to five percent off smoothies and five percent Uber cash back on rides.

Just to be clear, I'm there for savings, not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students, a membership to save on Uber and Uber Eats. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. Oh, this is a classic movie we're watching here on the Elvira channel. We'll turn it off here in just a second.

It's a wolf man, but I don't know if you noticed, he's also the president. So he's President Wolfman. He's a wolfman, but I don't know if you notice, he's also the president. So he's president wolfman. He's president by day, wolfman by night. We're watching bad B horror film. B, what do they call them? B movies? B movies, yeah. B movie horror films.

Oh, here comes the Secret Service, thank God. They don't know that they're shooting at the president who happens to be the wolfman. Well, there he is going to the White House now. Cause that's how you enter through the front door. Yeah, you go to the White House at the front door. Just go walk across the lawn, get right up to the White House now because that's how you you enter through the front door Yeah, you go to the White House the lawn right at the door. Oh, that's amazing All right

So the last couple weeks have been very interesting here north of Atlanta and I thought I'd keep you abreast of what's going on Speaking of small boobs. I thought I'd keep you abreast of what was going on Next door has got to be the greatest social media app that ever existed and I'm really sad that you don't get the same I don't that I do I get I'm really sad that you don't get the same version that I do. I get actual crimes. Yeah, you get actual, yeah, murder on Fourth Street. I was murdered on Fourth Street. I, however, do not get that. I get a lot of horseshit. Now, listen, there are serious crimes that happen up here too, but it doesn't seem that anyone's posting about those. They're only posting about what they think are big deals, but to me are just hilarious.

You ready? Yes. Okay. Looking for a doctor to perform emergency surgery. Any recommendations? Okay. Oh my God. Does anyone have any first-hand knowledge of a good bathroom cleaner? Prices are getting

out of control. What happened in the bathroom? Why are prices out of control? Let me ask you, why are they raising the prices? That does remind me that when I did look at Nextdoor the past time on my app, I noticed that someone was selling bathroom cleaner discount in bulk, so maybe we need to connect those two. In bulk. Need help installing a printer, says Amy. Don't we all?

Hold on one second. Installing a printer, like, I mean, they want somebody to come into their home and install the printer. Yeah. I mean, doesn't it come with instructions? What kind of printer did you buy? Warning. Publix at the park at said city. Publix at the park here north of Atlanta.

Shopping carts building up. And a picture. A picture of a bunch of shopping carts. I'm so glad they alerted everybody. Okay, you ready for this one? This is my favorite kind, and they do this all the time. People do this all the time. Almost had a head-on collision today. Slow down! Almost had a head-on collision slow down. My box of animal crackers says may contain nuts, so I've been inspecting each animal before eating it.

What? Yes. It's got to be a joke, right? It's got to be a joke. But people are taking it seriously in the comments. They're like, many food items contained nuts or were made in a nut factory. Be careful.

Here's one. You should call the FTC for fake advertising. Fake advertising. That's funny. Oh, which one? Electricity question. Can anyone tell me why my cabinet lights keep on blinking when the washing machine is up? Sure, no problem.

If you have any styrofoam, please let me know. I think my dog is starting to look like a person. Picture of dog attached. Which is true, actually. I think it is. Any recommendations for good dentists? I'd like a dentist for adults, please and thank you. As supposed to. I mean, I know they have pediatric dentists. What's the average my guy is charging for yard service?

What's the average my guy is charging for yard service? I don't know. Why don't you ask him? I know. This is to my neighbor who lets his dog poop on my pine straw. Oh, God, I could have had that. Yes. Shame on you. You've been recorded by my doorbell camera. I am alerting the authorities.

Why would you put that on next door? I know. Oh, my God. Shame. You get shame on you. I need Dell laptop help. I do not have a cell phone and my keyboard doesn't work. Any suggestions to which one commenter wrote, how did you write this?

Anybody know why there is a drone flying outside my window? Feels creepy. I would say yes, sir. They are. Yes, ma'am. Look at this. She says, where is the yellow sun? Can someone explain to me why the sun has turned white? I glanced toward the sky today and I noticed that the sun is no longer yellow.

Is this a sign of trouble? I think it's a sign that you're staring at the sun for too long. The pictures. Yeah, to which someone writes, the sun is white, you dumb dumb. People are getting mean. My roommate says there's an older man at the LA Fitness that likes to bait men into joining him for a business lunch to discuss networking opportunities, but his real objective is to have them join the Bible study. Now wait, someone put, I'll allow it. Someone else says, I really thought this was going to go in another

direction and I'm sad it wasn't. I did too. I thought like, oh, he's approaching men to get him into bed. Can anyone help me with my Christmas lights? It's August. It's August. What kind of nest is this? Need referrals to someone that can help me identify nests.

Need referrals to someone who can help you identify nests. Need referrals to someone who can help you identify a nest. Like a bird nest? Yeah, like who you gonna call? The local bird nest identifier? Are there any car washes that still clean the inside of your car? No, they don't. They don't do that anymore. My dog is on the loose. Update I found him. On the same post. Not an update. It just said update I found him.

My cat recently threw up. Does anyone know if cats are now getting COVID? Oh my God. These people are so incredibly unintelligent. It's insane. My son is coming over from Alabama and I really want his room to be nice. Thank you. Oh, good. How can we help you? What can we do for you? Someone replied. They said, I'm free on Tuesday. I think people are just fucking with this lady now.

I need to do. Yeah, but it's a lot of fun. Oh my god. I've got 600 of these. I swear to god I do. Wow, yours are the best. I take a picture. Every time I go on Nextdoor, I take screenshots. But when I take a screenshot, then this annoying pop-up comes up and says, do you wanna share this? And I'm like, no, I just wanna take a screenshot of it.

Next door is the worst app. I think this is the one we need to be looking out for, Chrissy, I really do. Yeah. I really do. All right, Chrissy and I are extraordinarily excited to announce that we've been announcing that we're going to be down in Florida.

Put it on next door. I'm going to put it on next door. Wanted, these two idiots. Need tickets to TCB in Florida. Have any? Yes. That's what I'm going to post. And if I get a response, I swear to God, I'm gonna let you know. Okay, those two shows in Florida are the 24th

Dania Beach Improv, the 25th Orlando Funny Bone, meet us at the Bone. Those two nights, we have tickets available. Now, on our website, on the show notes of this particular episode, you can also find it on Instagram, or you can go to the Funny Bone Orlando website or the Dania Beach Improv website,

and you can buy the tickets directly from them. Don't buy your tickets anywhere else. Don't buy no man's tickets! Uh, buy them directly from a place that you trust, because apparently there are a lot of scammers on these small comedy shows. You know, they try and charge you $50 and it just yeah You get an actual ticket, but it's gonna be more expensive or you may not get a ticket

Yeah, you know, you may just get a I don't know an email. This is this is your ticket And we'll probably let you in because there won't be anyone there anyway, so don't worry about 212-433-3822 That's 212- four three three three TCB questions comments concerns content ideas if you're gonna be at one of those shows Let us know ask TCB. I promise I'll get to them sooner send us though all those ask TCBs were from our old phone number We've had that phone number since February. So that just goes to show how How old they actually are behind me were also go to TCB podcast.com. All the audio, all the video and your free TCB bumper sticker.

Hit the contact us button. I want my free sticker. Give us your address and away it goes at the commercial break on Instagram. Please follow us. TCB podcast on Tik TOK and YouTube.com slash the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say, goodbye. If you got a softie in your brain, you're going to have a softie in your pants.

You know what I'm saying?