The Commercial Break - Who's Your New Daddy?

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

Episode #587: We’re on a wild ride today, very similar to Bryan’s mom’s neighbor at the assisted living home…and boy, does she have a cautionary tale for you! Available for private events! Make us an offer! Blue’s haircut The temperature The grand canyon Oozing problems Heavenly Wheels n Deals! Bryan’s Mama drama Firefighters going to steal Astrid A cooter snafu Jane from Ohio Important PSAs A cautionary vibrator tale The Olympic village AND the regular villages Some guy on Bryan’s instagram Bryan’s mom’s wigs Come To Our Shows: Dania Beach Improv (Tuesday, Sept. 24th) The Funny Bone Orlando (Wednesday, Sept. 25th) Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB FOLLOW US: INSTAGRAM:   https://www.instagram.com/thecommercialbreak/ https://www.instagram.com/bryanwgreen/ https://www.instagram.com/tcbkrissy/ YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/thecommercialbreak TIKTOK https://www.tiktok.com/@tcbpodcast Visit our website:  https://tcbpodcast.com/ CREDITS: Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer:  Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. At any way, I'm not depressed. I just feel like I'm in a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out and was the point of anything anyway. And before you ask, it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay? Because I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night.

On this episode of The Commercial Break. One of my sons is running around with the remote control, the Gramma Kiki's TV, asking what channel Disney Junior is on. And I'm like, son, read the room. Read the room. He's like literally asking the firefighter. And then like my daughter is like showing the firefighter. She can't even speak it.

She's like, mimi, mimi, mira, mimi, mimi. She's speaking Spanish to the firefighter, and the firefighter that gets down on one knee, he's like, that's a good girl. You know everything's gonna be okay, right? I'm your new daddy now. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. It's 30 in the morning!

Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Holdley. Best to you, Chris and... Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. I came up with a brilliant idea today.

You did? Doesn't matter if you're in Florida. Buy tickets to the show anyway in support to Klaus. I was thinking, why not? Buy a ticket, 30 bucks. It's either that or Patreon. We're going to Patreon if you don't buy a ticket. No, I'm kidding. I mean, I can, of course, but then we'll just sell the place out with nobody listening.

I mean, that would be kind of weird too. And we'll probably piss off the wait staff and the bartender. That's true. I think that's how they make their money, actually. What if we sold the place out and no one was there? Hey, but listen, someone wants to drop 10 grand and rent the place out? I'll leave the $1,000 to you. We're available for private events. That's right, available for private events. On the low low.

On the low low. I'm going to throw a third low in there. On the low low low. third low in there on the low low low. You don't even realize how cheap it is to get the commercial break to show up. You put us up at a semi decent hotel. Yeah, next to a Chili's and a Dave and Buster's. Chrissy and I need some Tiger Balm for my back. That's an hour rider. We're good. Yeah, we're good. You put us up in an Embassy Suites near a Chili's, a Dave and Busters, and a good massage parlor.

We're there. I'm not talking about the up and up massage parlors. Talking about those weird kind that always have the curtains closed. And some Tiger Balm and a good bottle of wine. Yep, we're there. I'm a cup of your bar mitzvah, I don't give a shit. Let's swear to God I will. No agent, don't even call my agent.

This is under the table. I'm wondering when one of those Saudi Arabia guys is going to call us and be like, come on down guys. To Dubai? Yeah, to Dubai, seriously. I'm reading about those golfers and the musicians. Oh yeah, they get paid.

They get millions and millions of dollars, elaborate stage sets, all this other stuff to come and play for like an hour, right? At a wedding or something like that. I'll be happy to come make you laugh for much less than a million dollars. I just want, I don't know if I'll be legally allowed into Dubai, but if I am, if I am, if you put me up at one of those hotels on the

island, you know, the ones with no people on it. Yeah, I'll go there. Sure. Why not? Hey. We'd also go to Hildenett Island. I go to Hildenett Island. Put me at Inn that's been there since 83. They put great little coffee packets. Little shitty little coffee machines you can never seem to get in there. It's not even the kind with an actual like filter thing like you know, you take it out. It's the kind where it's a disposable filter package. You put it in there. It sprays water all over the counter. And then you get it. You have to fill it up in the bathroom sink. Yes, that's right.

That's the best part. You can barely fit it under there. Meanwhile, it's all falsified and weird, and you're like, well, I do need coffee. I do have to take a shit this morning, so I guess I'll deal with it. Oh man, what a great deal of fun we have here at the commercial break.

So if you're from Dubai or anywhere besides Florida, buy our tickets. Have us over. Shit, I'll do it for coffee and pancakes. I don't care. You tell me. Literally, if you text me and make me an offer to do a show for you, we will negotiate. I swear to God, we will. We need the money.

Yes. Or Wilson Bleu. Oh, no. Bleu got a haircut today. I didn't see her when I came in. Well, she just came in while we were doing this last thing that we were doing. These very important things that we were doing, rehearsing this show. that we were doing. These very important things that we were doing, rehearsing this show. She came in and she's mad. She looks high and tight. She looks 60 pounds thinner. It's amazing how fat she looks with a big old fur coat on her. Meanwhile, it's August, 97 degrees outside.

We decided to get her hair cut right before fall. I know there's even like a little coolness in the air right now. Actually, I stepped outside last night. So I wanted to look at the super blue moon. Oh yeah. Super duper crazy. Super duper crazy moon. Yeah. And I couldn't see it, but it was from where we were.

It was cloudy. Yeah. But it felt so good. It did. It feels nice outside right now. It's in like the mid sixties. Oh, that morning. Yeah.

The sweet spot right there. The mid 60s. And then even in the afternoons, it's not so blistering hot. It's still hot, but it's not blistering hot. And I took a walk up to the coffee shop today and the old temperature-ometer. You know, you get old, when you get old, you talk about the temperature. Just so go ahead and tune out for the next three minutes if you're under the age of 80, and then we'll be back with more interesting conversation later. But the old temperature

monitor, thermometer, said 79 degrees, it's a lovely walk. There was a breeze, it was lovely, cloudy, a little cloudy. Beth Dombkowski We should enjoy it now because that's how there's going to be a heat dome. Jared Sosnowski I know. Beth Dombkowski In the Gulf. Jared Sosnowski Oh, there's going to be a heat dome? Beth Dombkowski In the Gulf.

Jared Sosnowski Yeah, why not? Beth Dombkowski We're not too far from the Gulf. Hey, why not? We're all dying slowly. We're all boiling slowly. Why not? So you know, I've been dealing with my mom, those of you who listen to the show know my mom hasn't been well since she broke a leg back in February. And man, this has gone on for fuck and ever.

I mean, the orthopedic told us, he said, when older people fall like this, especially if they're already in some state of decomposition, that basically, you know, it can be really life changing. You have to be careful. You got to really get on that rehab and make sure that it works. Well, for various reasons, it's not really worked all that well. And so, I had to go rent my mom a lift, a fucking Hoyer lift, like one of those things where they cradle you and then lift you up. And I learned about the Hoyer

lift that they actually put a hole in the bottom of it so you can shit. Oh my God, really? So they can like put you over the toilet and just let the poop fly? I'm not sure. It's like a cat hanging off the counter, shitting into a litter box. It's really weird. But okay, whatever. Whatever you need to do. Whatever you need to do. But man, in this rental place, there were, it's a tiny little place. It's in like a strip mall, but like an older strip mall. Tiny little place. And

you go in there and it's filled. filled, you can barely walk in the place with like those hover rounds and those scoot arounds and the- Roustabouts. Roustabouts and the chairs and the beds and the things, and there were so many people coming in, it took me, I don't know, half an hour to rent that lift, and there were so many people coming in and out of there,

like buying things, looking at things, checking out the rental prices, and I was like, wow, that's you, when this is the busiest place on this strip mall is this fucking, you know, heavenly wheels and deals or whatever it was, wheels and steals. I'm not sure what they call it. But I saw that hover around and they still, they, I think they still have that Wilford Brimley guy who passed away years ago as their spokesperson. He's dead.

That was the other one. They went to the canyon, to the Grand Canyon. Oh my God. I'm Wilford Brimley for Hoveround. Are you tired of sitting at home, not getting out there doing the things you used to do because of diabetes? Well, let me tell you, Hoveround's changed my life and it can change yours too. And then they show a picture of two people rolling up to the edge of the Grand Canyon. Yeah, no rails, nothing. No, why do that? God forbid the hover round breaks down.

It just goes flying off the Grand Canyon. Just imagine some old guy just like, oh! I wonder if that has ever happened. Well, no, they have railing, right? In most places, but the Grand Canyon, I don't know, it's called Grand for a reason. It's rather large and they don't have railings everywhere. Actually, there are famous videos out there of people falling off the rim, what they call the upper rim or out of the rim job or whatever the fuck it is.

I don't know. And there are videos like on YouTube and stuff of people falling hundreds and hundreds of feet down. There's one famous guy was like high on something. It's probably somebody I know. He was like high on, you know, Iowaska, DMT, Kratom. I don't know what the fuck. He was like high and he was talking to himself and then whoop, he's gone. Oh. And then everyone, this, everyone's filming him screaming and yelling, you know, call the paramedics, call the paramedics. And he is down probably a hundred feet on a ledge. And he's like twitching. He's like, ah, I'm okay. It's like, oh shit. Fuck. I mean, I've

been to the Grand Canyon. You've been to the Grand Canyon? I have no. Oh my God, Chrissy. Listen, first of all, there should be no hover arounds allowed anywhere in the Grand Canyon because there's a lot of places where there are no railings. Second of all, it is truly one of the most amazing things you will ever see. It looks like it. It's hard to imagine how big it is. Pictures and videos just don't do it justice. You know what does it justice? Fly over it. Fly over it and then you'll see just how big it is. Right. But when you get there, it's crazy.

I could never get Jeff to do that though. Why? He would not like that. He's afraid of heights? Yes. So he wouldn't go anywhere near the Grand Canyon? I'm afraid of heights too. He's afraid of other people falling. Oh, he's afraid of other people falling?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Don't take them to the Grand Canyon because apparently it happens all the time. They're filming fucking hover around commercials up there. Yeah, they film a hover around commercial with parachutes on those people's backs. I mean, honestly, those hover around commercials back in the 90s and early 2000s were famous for that shot of those two people hanging out near the edge of the Grand Canyon. And it's like, first of all, if you're in a fucking hover around, you're probably not at the Grand Canyon.

You know what I'm saying? Those aren't your aspirations. Your aspirations are to get to the fucking black eyed pee restaurant by 5 PM for the discount. Because it's just like, you shouldn't be scooting around the Grand Canyon. Those should be for able bodied people only. That's serious. Like, you shouldn't be scooting around.

It should be for able bodied people. And I'm not saying, I'm not saying, I want to be, I want to be scooting around. It should be for able-bodied people. And I'm not saying, I'm not saying, I want to be clear about this. I don't want to make fun, but you shouldn't get anywhere close to the edge of that if you're in a scooter. That's for fucking damn sure. What happens if something goes wrong? You press the button on accident, you know, electrical short, zoop! Yeah, the rock gets caught in the... Oh yeah, rock gets caught in the tire, you flip over, I don't know. There's a myriad of things that can happen when you're driving a hover around. And Wilford Brimley ain't going to be there to

save you because the guy's already passed on. He's already in the great Grand Canyon in the sky. So Wilford's not going to be there to save you. It is immensely big and immensely deep. I mean, a mile, we all know this, a mile wide, a mile deep. And it's hard to imagine what a mile down looks like until you get to the Grand Canyon. And it's one of the most beautiful things on earth. I remember building models of them when I was in school. You know, you had to build those. You did? Yeah.

Oh, no, not me. I just did those shitty volcanoes. The volcanoes. With paper mache, yeah, not me. I just did those shitty volcanoes. The volcano. With paper mache. Yeah, that my parents never, I mean, my dad maybe had kind of helped me like mix up the paper mache, the glue in the water or whatever. The pain in the ass.

Yeah, but then I would just slop it on. I had, whenever we, we never did Grand Canyon. I wish we had done that. But what we did do is those volcanoes. And I think we did them like three years in a row. And then he had to go into the science fair and I didn't know what else did do was those volcanoes. And I think we did them like three years in a row. And then you had to go into the science fair and I didn't know what else to do. So I did yet another volcano.

But my volcano was terrible. It just looked like a, I don't know, like a mound of mashed potatoes. And I could never get it to like, kind of ooze over the right way. It was terrible. But Grand Canyon sounds cool. I wish I had done a Grand Canyon.

Yeah, doing little models of that I wish I had done a Grand Canyon. Yeah, doing little models of that. If I had done a Grand Canyon, then I wouldn't have had any oozing problems. Speaking of oozing problems. Speaking of oozing problems, and my mother. So, my mother's getting this Hoyer lift. She's got the lift. She's in place. Then they decide she can't use the lift. She needs a bed. I got to go back and rent the bed. I mean, these places are really busy. I think I know what we need to do is open ourselves to hover around. That's what we need to do. Oh, it's wheels and steels? Wheels and steels, heavenly wheels and deals.

We're wheeling and nailing down in heavenly wheels. I'll do the commercial. Yes, please do. Come on down. Come on down to heavenly wheels and deals. You too can have a hover around for $19.99 a day. We're cutting prices to the bone. We're cutting prices to the bone. We're cutting prices to the bone. Hear out Cranky's Wheels, Deals, and Men's Health Clinic. We'll get you right as rain, we'll have you zipping down the hallway with a heart on.

We rent penis pumps, we sell Y-Brides 3000, we have hover rounds where we took the governor off, you know what I'm saying. Fuck Wilford Brimley, you'll be jumping the Grand Canyon with your hover around and your boner. Ha ha ha! Jumping! Ha ha ha! Oh my god! We need to open one up. We certainly do. All that aging population, they keep reading about that.

You know, everybody's aging. Us! Yeah, us! What are we gonna do? population they keep bringing about that, you know, everybody's What are we gonna do when they're playing Alice and James in the retirement the man in the box It can't taste my food Judy. I Said I need a second helping to mash taters second helpin' the Mashed Taters. Buried in my shit. The evidence, third eye blind, we've been playin' man in the box for three days. Maybe we should prepare and go ahead

and start workin' our playlist. Oh yeah. For that time in our lives. Don't worry, there's gonna be, SiriusXM will have them covered. The oldies station on SiriusXM, playing your favorites from Pearl Jam to Break 182. I swear to God, Chrissy, I went to my mom's place the other day and there was a guy that was like scooting himself to lunch.

And he had a full on, he was wearing sweatsuits and a t-shirt and like a hat. And he had a full on erection. I swear to God. He was getting his meds. Oh, his dick showed up to the dining room like three minutes before he did. First of all, I was impressed. Second of all, I was like, wow, this is what happens when they just make, you know, they tell you, it takes the alice every day, you know, they tell you, it takes the Alice every day, you know?

And yeah, you don't know what's going on. You're all confused, but you got a heart on at lunch. It's a sexy time of day. That's it. See, getting old is like, it's like aging in reverse. You just get young, but you're much, your, your skin is falling off. But you know what I'm saying? Like everything's falling apart.

Your skin's falling off. But that's what it's like when you get to that certain age, when you're like in your 80s or in your 90s. Which I hope, listen, like I've said to you before, 82, 83, I'm perfectly fine. 82, 83, I'm good. Check me out. My children will be old enough to sustain their own lives. You know, maybe they'll be married, maybe they'll have children, maybe marriage and children won't be a thing then. I don't know, but at least they'll have gotten out of my house by now. I think. Let me do the math.

I think. That's just a short 10 years from now. But 82, 83, 84, unless they have some magic potion lotion, something that all of a sudden makes you younger. While they might be, with all the AI stuff, that is something that I think is going to change a lot, quickly. What is clear to me is that 70 years old now is not what 70 years old was even back in the 70s or 80s. It's a whole different animal.

My parents are in their 70s, and at least a few of them are doing really well. They look great. They're active. They're zipping around the lake. I mean, my dad's zipping around the lake. Just yesterday I said, Dad, I will help you because he wants to go to the Blue Ridge Mountains. And he's like, I don't know how to do it. He's used to the travel agent coming into your community and having everything set out.

So I said, I'll help you. And he's like, well, we're, I was like, we need to do this on the phone though. Let's, I'll tell you the website to go to, let's look at it, I don't know all the options, the things you want, what time of year, anything. He said, well, I'm in Madison today and we might be here all day.

And then also tonight we have a party. Geez! I was like, retired life is busy. Yeah, it really is. Well, good for you. I was like, enjoy your day. Enjoy your day. Please enjoy yourself.

Please enjoy yourself. Best to you. I understand now what it's like to go through like your non-formative years, like your middle ages, right, with children and a family, and how hard that is, and how you don't get any fucking time to yourself. Listen, Astrid and I made a joke last night. We went to yet another parent-teacher conference, and I swear to God, we had to get my brother babysat, my brother and his girlfriend babysat with the kids. And so, we were gone for like an hour and a half.

And I said, honey, our date nights have turned, our date nights are now parent teacher conferences. That's what it is. We're wasting this good babysitting time on fucking parent teacher conferences. Where God bless America, they don't share much information you actually need to know. I mean, we've had kids at this school for a long time,

at this preschool for a long time. And it's kind of like, and we already know this, but you wanna go and you wanna be supportive, you wanna be an active parent. You don't wanna be that bum. Right, you don't wanna be the one that's like, now can't. Well listen, one of my kids has like 20 kids

in the total class, and there were like six parents there. And I was like, and they're all new to the school, of course, and I'm like, except for one of them. And they're like, where are all the other shitheads? You guys, what the fuck? I mean, come on, if I gotta be here, you gotta be here too. Honestly, honestly. If I gotta suffer, everybody else has gotta suffer too.

I want names and phone numbers of people that didn't show up. I wanna call them and tell them. Oh, the next birthday party. You can be like, I didn't see you there. Oh, the birthday parties. It's birthday party time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's the invites and the non-invites.

Yeah, for the first time, I think we got snubbed. I think we got snubbed. And I think- There's no way. We did. We got snubbed. Or it was a very weird oversight, but we got snubbed. But then my wife and I were,

Esther and I were talking about it, like who fucking cares? Honestly, who fucking cares? Yeah, you're like actually good. Yeah, they weren't our friends anyway, were they? They probably were. We thought they were. We thought they were. We thought they were. We thought they liked us.

All right. I have a funny story to tell about my mom and the senior citizen home, the retirement village that she lives in. But let's take a break because we got to do that. Let's pay some bills and then we'll be back. Oh my God, Christina, you're an icon and a legend. and then we'll be back. So come see us and giggle your way into our little hearts. If you can't make it to Florida to win our love, don't worry, we're easy. All it takes is to follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. Or you can text us at 212-433-3TCB.

And check out our website, tcbpodcast.com, for all of our audio video content and any sneaky links we might share. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario.

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and everywhere you get your podcasts. All right, so mom falls the other day and she said this on the show before, she's a bigger lady. And so she falls two times in 24 hours. We have to have the fire department out there to get her up into a safe position. And as soon as I heard about this, we run over to make sure she's okay and bring

her some stuff or whatever. And she needs to get out of a wheelchair into her like normal chair where she's like a reclining chair where she sits and watches TV for the day. But we can't. Yeah. QVC. That's right. That fucking QVC swear to God, I'm going to take that thing off.

I can't take it off her TV. I tried, but I can't take it off her TV. My mom is addicted to QVC and she will not order one. She will order 10 different sizes and 10 different colors of the same fucking thing. And then never return them. And I'm like, mom, what are you doing? And she's like, I don't know.

I'm like, yes, you do, stop it. Anyway, we can't lift her up into the chair. There's like a number of us, but we just can't safely do it. So I got to call. So now I have to call the fire department. She goes to the emergency room. We're there. How did you call the fire department specifically?

911. I tried to call non-emergency, but they told me to call 911. They were like, well, if you need this kind of assistance, you just go ahead and dial emergency services. So then like I'm trying to, you know, 911, here's how it goes, ready? Anytime you call 911.

So then like I'm trying to, you know, 911, here's how it goes. Ready? Anytime you call 911. Uh, Main Street Emergency. What is the address of your emergency? And you're like, you know, one, two, three, four, seven Schmidt Street. What's your name? Uh, Brian Green. What's your phone number?

7724444444. Can you repeat the address of the emergency? Yeah, 1-2-3-4-4, this is Schmid Street. Your name again one more time? Brian Green. For the record, can you give me your phone number one more time? You already have it, because I know you're tracking my phone now. For God's sakes, right? What is the nature of the emergency? It's not really an emergency. Please share with the nature of the emergency isn't I will determine whether or not it's an emergency. Okay, my mom fell. Is she on the floor right now? Uh, sir, hold on one second. She fell on the floor yesterday. She been on the floor the entire time? Hold on, wait one second. Just hold on. Let me tell you the story. Sir, is she

breathing? Yes, she's breathing. She's fine. She's in a chair. You said she was on the floor? No, she was on the floor yesterday. But she's not there anymore? No. You're listening to a fire truck on the phone? No. Sir, what is the emergency?

My mom. I'm trying to tell you. We can't get my mom from one chair to another. I'm not sure this is an emergency. Has she tried to stand up? Yes. Does she get herself into the chair? No or I wouldn't be calling you. Sir, please stay on the line.

I'm sending paramedics and firefighters. Please stay on the line. I'm going to give you further instructions. Is she breathing? Yes, I already said that. Is she pale? No. Are her feet or legs on fire?

No. Has her eyeballs fallen out? No. Is she breathing? Yes. Is she breathing? Yes, I already said that. Is she pale? No. Are her feet or legs on fire? No. Is her eyeballs falling out? No. Have you given her CPR? Not yet, but if I stay on the phone with you, I might get to that point. Sir, what I need you to do is make sure that she stays alert and breathing. Do not allow her to have any food or drink for the next until the firefighters arrive. Sir, I also need to make

sure you're monitoring her heart rate sir I also need you to make sure she's warm and comfortable sir I also need you to make sure that she has a good book with her in case she has to wait at the emergency sir now you have to make sure you have a straw with you in case you have to do an apt endectomy and I'm like I'm right okay there's not an emergency I don't want anybody rushing here it's just and sir let the firefighters determine whether or not it's an emergency. I don't want anybody rushing here. It's just, and, Jared Slauson Sir, let the firefighters determine whether or not it's an emergency. Thank you. Jared Slauson And I'm like, God, you're an asshole. I mean, I know this is a tough job. Jared Slauson Oh, yeah.

Jared Slauson It's a tough job when you, especially when you have shitheads like me calling saying, I can't lift my mom out of the chair, right? I mean, but what else do I do? When you're stuck, you're stuck. And I felt like it was the right thing. Firefighters come, paramedics come, you know, paramedics are there first. She's fine. She's breathing. Everything's fine. You know, she's just sitting in the chair, we can't get her up, and she's got these huge swollen knees because she fell earlier. So I'm like, and so the paramedics are like, so what do we want to take her to the emergency room for?

And I'm like, for the swollen knees, and because maybe she needs to stay there for a couple days until she can get back on her feet, because it's really dangerous for her to just be sitting here without any mobility whatsoever. And so the paramedic says to me, gotcha, that is definitely a reason to send her to the hospital. So let's do that, right? And so Astrid's there with all the kids, you know, I got 75 kids running around. JG Kiki, kiki. Honestly, there are five huge firefighters that are awful cute and I'm Astrid staring

at them. They're all Glenn Powell like, right? And here I am with my dad, Bod, wearing my Sunday best, you know, shorts from 1922 and ripped t-shirt, smelling like a horse because I've been running around trying to help my mom. And here come these firefighters with mustaches and big bags on their back. And they're like, don't worry, sir, we got this. We also have very strong dicks in case we need to lift her.

Matter of fact, three out of the five of us have erections right now, just in case. We have to use them to lift her into position. And I'm like, holy shit, goddamn it, I shouldn't have called the fire department. So, after the starring of the firefighters, one of my sons is running around with the remote control, the Gramma starting of the firefighters, one of my sons is running around with the remote control to grandma Kiki's TV asking what channel Disney jr is on.

And I'm like, son, read the room. Read the room. He's like literally asking the firefighter. And then like, my daughter is like, she can't even speak it. She's like, Mimi, Mimi mimi, mira, mimi, mimi. She's speaking Spanish to the firefighter and the firefighter gets down on one knee and he's like, that's a good girl. You know everything's going to be okay, right? I'm your new daddy now. Your dad has to come live at this place for a little while and I'll be your new daddy.

Your mommy's in good strong hands with me. Your daddy's not living up to the right expectations. That's why he had to call us. So now I'll be your, we're all going to be your new daddy and we're going to be her new daddy too. We're your mommy's new daddy also. Don't worry. Your dad's gonna have to live here for a little while.

Your dad lost his man card. We're gonna help him find it. Don't be scared. He may not come back to your house or our house. But you'll be, we'll send pictures and videos. Don't worry. So, they take my mom, I tell Asher, you go home, take, you know, we're all in one car, I'm like, go home, like, this is not a, we don't need the kids at the hospital.

That's just, that's just a bad idea. The kids are already destructive enough. We don't need them running around, people's heads falling off their shoulders and arms broken in weird ways. I'm like, just take them home. And so then she leaves and then they're strapping my mom onto the gurney and I'm like, then I thought to myself, oh, shit, how do I get to the hospital? So there's like two young paramedics and a female and a male.

And so I say, ma'am, can I take a ride with you in the ambulance? And she looks at her partner, and I was like, because my wife took the car, and she's like, being sympathetic, she's like, his wife took the car, can we just give him a lift? And he's like, yeah, but he'll have to sit up front, right? Right. So, okay. I had to do that one time with Jeff. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so it's, I guess, it's a policy that they actually don't let you go in the ambulance. I'm sure unless it's some kind of, like you might die on the way there and somebody, a loved one needs to be there. No, I was sitting in the front too.

Yeah, so I was sitting in the front of this ambulance. And so, you know, this young. It's kind of interesting. It's very interesting. Being inside there. Yeah, you hear all the noises, but there weren't any, there were no sirens. I'm like, turn on the sirens.

Yeah, she wouldn't do that. I told her to. I said, can we turn on the sirens? Can I turn on the sirens? Yeah, she was like, I don't think it's. I said, can we turn on the sirens? Can I turn on the sirens? Yeah. She was like, I don't think it's... What channel is Izzy Jr.? What channel is Izzy Jr.?

You can ask your daddy when you see him at the funeral. So we're writing there and I said, you know, I feel really bad about this. Like, you know, this is terrible. I should have never called 911. I'm sorry to waste your time like this. And she goes, no, no, no, no, no, don't even worry about it. She, this was, this is on Saturday, uh, Sunday. And she says, you wouldn't believe the phone calls that weekend. Oh, I'm, I can only imagine every weekend. She goes, it's an 18 year old that's had too much to drink. It's someone that's high on mushrooms that thinks that, you know, they've their arms coming off. It's, you know, someone that is detoxing from OPE. It's all kind of crazy stuff, especially

when it gets late at night. I said, what's the craziest phone call you've gotten this weekend or the craziest call you went on this weekend? Literally, someone called because they could not reach the remote control because they were so twisted up, they couldn't get to the remote control. And I said, was that my mom? And she's like, no, no. She said someone had smoked too much pot. They were like melted into the couch, a younger person, and they couldn't reach the remote control and they felt like that was an emergency.

So they called 911. Of course, when you call 911, they're going to dispatch for anything because that's what they have to do. It's a liability if they don't. So she said, I walked in, we walked in, we had to, you know, open the, the firefighters had to crack open the door. Oh my God, they had to like bust open the door. And then she said, we get in there and it's this kid basically, this young man, who's high as shit and he's melted into the couch and the TV's on very loud on a station that he doesn't want and he can't reach

the remote control. And he thought his arms were longer, he thought his arms were longer or something along those lines, right? His arms had shortened up or something. And so they basically took some cookies from his kitchen and put it down near him and gave him the remote and was like, don't call again or you're going to be charged with misusing 911. Yeah, exactly. The cookies could have been the problem though. They wanted to get something in his stomach, I guess was the point. They were trying to like, you know, sober him up a little bit.

So anyway, so we get to the hospital and you know, my mom's like unintentionally yelling. She's not like yelling at people. She's just like, honey, are they going to get me some pain medication? And I'm, it's, you can hear it down the hallway. I'm like, mom, you don't have to say it so loud. And she's like, I have so much pain. And I'm like, are you really hurting that badly? I don't know. But I just, I think if I had some pain medication, everything would be better. I'm like, okay, you don't have to yell. So, the nurse comes in, my mom asks her for pain medication six times in the first two minutes this girl is in there. And so, finally, I'm like,

Mom, you already asked her, I did! Yes, you did. Stop. You don't need to do that. And my mom's not like a pain medication junkie. She doesn't take pain medication. So, I don't know why she's asking for it, but she thinks that it's the solution to all of her problems. So the only chair in the room is the one that is like right down at the end of her feet. You know what I'm saying? The one that can recline if you have to stay in there? No, no, no, no. This is like an emergency room, like a little triage room. But they put her back there immediately because she can't sit or walk, they'd have to transfer her. So, they pushed the gurney back into this room. So, the gurney, so her legs are like right in front of my face, like two feet from my face, three feet from my face. And so,

what I didn't realize until right that moment when we were there is that her nursing assistant that she has inside that place was trying to get her up into her chair, partly because she needed her to sit in that chair. But the other part was she needed to put on her underwear. So my mom's... So when they take off the blanket to do the checks for my mom's legs and stuff, there it is, high inside my mom's cooter. It's a cooter computer, right there. I'm like, holy shit. Yeah, the things you see. I know. I saw my grandfather too when they were trying to, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I mean. You have to just look away. Yes, every Cuda is beautiful in its own lovely way. All vulvas are lovely. I came out of that vulva. I should be happy about it. But there's just something about someone that you know.

Yeah. It's not, it's an instant turn off. It's an instant like, oh my God, I did not need to see that. That is not what I wanted. That was not my bingo card. Yeah, an older family member. Yeah. Yeah. Chrissy, 82, 83. I'm telling you, hover around me right off the grand canyon. That's what I want. I like that idea.

I do like that idea. I was talking about being shot off over a yacht. Yeah. Yeah, but maybe the Grand Canyon. Grand Canyon, just hover around, take the governor off 30, 40 miles per hour, just shoot me off the canyon. And I would be happy.

I'd just be like, whee! Just a couple seconds to get my, to think about the last thoughts of people that I love and then splat, it's done, don't worry about it. This was a disturbing visit to the ER. It really was like, oh my gosh, I just saw my mom's scooter. So then the lady comes in and she gives her, you know, this nurse, by the way, has a mask on under the, she's an attractive young lady, right? An attractive young nurse. And she's, but with a

mask on. But you can still see that, you know, her silhouette and her very extraordinarily tight scrubs. Like nobody else in the place has these kind of scrubs. These are designer scrubs. Do you know what I'm saying? They're like spandex scrubs. Lubs, that's right. And she comes in but she's a little fussy like she's not the nicest of people I guess you know and my mom's yelling at her. I guess doesn't help the situation Yes, and by the way, she's on the crazy wing of the emergency room because the guy did detoxing from alcohol that keeps on saying And he doesn't need help and so she gives my mom a Percocet and some ibuprofen. And my mom goes, I thought you're going to put it in my arm.

And she's like, no, you don't need that kind of pain medication. Not right now. Like, let's just start with this and then we'll see where we go. And so my mom takes it. She gives her a drink of water. She takes it. That lady is not one foot outside the door. Is she going to get me some pain medication?

And I'm like, Mom, you just took the pain medic- I did? And I'm like, yes, you did, you didn't know that? I just thought I was just taking a sip of water. And I'm like, Jesus, Mom, what have you been taking today? You're all out of sorts. For God's sakes, Mother. My brother comes a couple hours into this whole ordeal. I'm just sitting at the end of the, I've now turned my chair, like, toward the sink. I'm not looking at the sink. And I'm just like, you know, I don't know what I'm doing, flipping through Instagram, anything, but looking in that direction. I'm just like, oh my God. So, Kevin comes in a couple hours later. And so, now my mom's yelling at Kevin. Like, not yelling, but yelling at Kevin.

Yes. And we're all talking. Speaking in a yelling voice. Yes. Speaking in a very loud tone of voice. I mean, when I went to the bathroom and she was talking to Kevin, I could hear her in the pisser and I was two hallways away. And I could hear her. You know, it's just hospitals,, they echo and you can hear everything. So I can hear her and I'm just, I'm half embarrassed and half think it's funny and I'm having a hard time deciding how I'm feeling about this whole situation, but it's irritating me.

So Kevin comes in and we start talking about how my mom got in this mess and how we're going to get her out of this mess and what can we do and, you know, and my mom's like, well, I'm doing a lot better than half the people in that place. I mean, for God's sakes, they can't even eat. And I'm like, you can't even get down to eat. What are you talking about? At least they're sitting at the table. For God's sakes, mom, we got to get you out of this mess. You got to PT hard, mom. You got to work those weights. You got to get it done. You got to lift your legs. You got to start walking or you're going to be falling all the time and then it's going to be a problem. And my mom's like, you don't even understand. I mean, people go to the hospital all the time

over there. One of the things I noticed is that when they were pushing my mom out of this place in a gurney, strapped up, five firefighters, two paramedics, is that it was lunchtime, but not one person turned their head. Not one. It's a regular occurrence. Either it's a regular occurrence or they're afraid someone's dead and they don't want to see. They don't want to know. They don't want to see. But they are pushing her out and not one person turns. Now my mom starts making this argument that at least she's better off than a lot of other people that have to go

to the hospital. You know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she tells a story that is unbelievably horrifying, gross, and fascinating all at the same time. And I'm going to share that story with you. Next. When we get back. It's one of my mom's, it's one of the best things my mom's, one of the best stories my mom's ever told ever. I'll share it with you when we get back. Okay. You already know who it is. Christina here to keep you actually informed, unlike some people we know. Brian.

I've got certified, verified, factual information about our Florida shows, so listen up. We are coming to Dania Beach Improv on Tuesday, September 24th, and The Funny Bone in Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th. And links to those tickets are in the show notes, so go get them. In other completely new and interesting news, you should follow us on Wednesday, September 25th. And links to those tickets are in the show notes, so go get them. In other completely new and interesting news, you should follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And of course, go to our website, tcbpodcast.com

for all of our audio and video content. And finally, if you wanna tell Brian and Chrissy that I am a pretty, pretty princess, or that you hate me, text us or leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Bye. All right. So here we are in the emergency room.

It's Kevin. It's Kevin's girlfriend, Carrie Anne, and it's me in the room, like are in the emergency room. It's Kevin, it's Kevin's girlfriend, Carrie Anne, and it's me in the room, like crowded in the room with my mom. And, you know, laughter and comedy is like part of our lives. Like it's just, there's been a lot of sadness and twists and turns like anybody else's life. You know, pain is about perspective and everyone has pain in their own way. And so some people choose to bury their head in the sand. Some people get super depressed about it. Sometimes it's super dramatic.

And we just tend to deal with it by laughing about it. We make a joke about everything. We don't know if you've noticed. My mom is sitting there and we are telling my mom, you got to like really work hard to get yourself back up on your feet because or else you're going to be stuck in that chair and that's not going to be good and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And her argument back is, at least I'm not as bad off as some other people at the facility, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And we're trying to like, who's worse off at the facility, mom? Well, there's Judy and she's got a little oxygen. And I'm like, well, yeah, but at least she's walking around the place. And there's Bill and his teeth keep falling out at the table. And I'm like, well, at least he's at the table. You know what I'm saying? We're trying to like tell my mom, it's not all shits and giggles with you either. You got to get up and get walking.

And she goes, well, at least it's not like Jane. And we're like, oh, who's Jane? Jane from Ohio. And I'm like, okay, yeah, my mom always indicates who someone's from. That's her way of, I don't know, it's like her way of remembering, I guess. Identification. Jane from Ohio. She always has to tell you where people are from. And I'm like, I don't know Jane from Ohio. Okay, mom, what about Jane from Ohio?

It's kind of like when you're a freshman in college and then you're meeting people from different areas. Yes, yes. Or you're like at a conference. Yeah, you're the guy from Indiana. That company that, you know, oh, that's, you know, Brian from, you know, Odyssey or whatever, you know. It's like a little note in your head that you have to, you feel compelled to repeat.

And so I say, okay, whatever, Jane from Ohio, what's going on with Jane? Well, a couple of weeks ago, she had to go to the hospital and take her to the emergency room. You won't believe what happened to her. And I'm like, well, what happened to her, mom? And she's like, she got a vibrator stuck in her hoo hoo. And I'm like, what? How old is Jane? She's 87. And I was like, wait, you there's a lady at your place that's 87 years old,

they got a vibrator stuck in her choo chochah and she's like, that's right. And it was on. And I go, how in the world do you know this? Did they announce that before she was being wheeled out? Was she vibrating? Could you hear it? And she's like, no, she told everybody as a cautionary tale. And I'm like, a cautionary tale.

A PSA. PSA. Don't leave your vibrator on when you're doing it. I don't know. And I'm like, how did she get it stuck up there, mom? Well, you know, she was masturbating. And I was like, did she tell everybody that too? Yeah. Well, that is what you do. Well, yeah. I mean, what are you using the vibrator for? Clean your teeth?

Not your back. Yeah. It's not a back massager. And I was like, wait, so an 87 year old woman was masturbating and got her vibrator stuck in her choo-chaw all the way up there while it was on. That's right. And they had to go in and take it out. And she said it was really uncomfortable. And I'm like, I'm sure it was. Well, Judy saw, what's his name, scooting around with a heart on.

That's right. She got to work at her room. That's right. Bill from Poughkeepsie was running around with his fucking half-hard and she was like, gotta get to it. Knock one out real quick. Oh no, where did it go? Watching Judge Judy just popped right up there.

I mean, for God sakes. First of all, impressed that an 87-year-old woman is still knocking it out with toys! Yeah, you gotta do it. Well listen, if I make it to 87, I still hope I'm knocking it out. I hope! One can only wish. Sometimes you hear that as you get older, your libido goes, but counter-intuitively or counter-programming to that is that places like the villages and retirement homes are experiencing an explosion in STDs because of new medicines that allow people to be sexually active.

Well, I mean, hormone replacement therapy, Cialis, Viagra, just for hers or whatever that, the female Viagra. Surgeries, plastic surgeries. Get everything tightened back up. Yeah, shit, you're getting your vagioplasty or whatever it is. And you're looking, your vag looks like it's 18 years old and people are knocking it out left and right. And so they are actually having to hand out condoms

at places like the villages and retirement homes to try and cut down on the amount- At the Olympic villages and the villages. And at the villages. That's right. The Olympic villages and the regular villages. It's crazy. So if I make it to my 80s, I am hoping that there's science and technology.

We'll all be wearing that Mark Zuckerberg, you know, metaverse helmet, whacking off to, you know, sexy 28-year-old. I was like, ah, ah, ah. Can you imagine being... Well, you know, I mean, we've always said too, once we get that age, we're just going to go crazy and take the drugs too. Well, that's it. You know, they're all high on cocaine. That is my plan. And have an orgy. I cannot wait, honestly. I cannot wait. Get these kids off to college or whatever they choose to do in their life, gap life,

if they go on a gap life route like I did, I don't know. But whatever they choose to do, whatever they choose to do, I am then just going to spend the rest of my life hitting it so hard. There's a guy on my Instagram, and I don't know how I got to him, why I'm following him. I have no idea. He was like, pretend running for mayor of New York. He's one of these guys. He's got a wig on, right? Like a wig, but like a Rod Stewart back in the seventies kind of wig. You know what I'm saying? A blonde spiky shaggy?

Yes, blonde spiky shaggy. That's right, exactly. You know what I'm talking about. He is as tan as they come. He looks like the underside of an elephant. Like, he's got all these rolls. He's not a fat guy, but he's got like 14 chins and he's just, his skin is so tan and so rough and so tough. It's just like aged leather. I mean, it's incredible. And he's got this New York accent and he, so a couple, maybe a month ago. And he's got this New York accent. And he, so a couple, maybe a month ago. And he's always doing these lives. And he is always, has some kind of drink in his hand. And he's like, I'm in. I like this guy.

Yeah. I'll show him to you. You might like everything he says, but I'm a kindred spirit. Yeah, exactly. And he's like, it's your boy Dave, I'm here at Vinny's Enfant. And Vinny's Enfant makes the best the garbagoo. You know, and he's like, but I gotta get a good glass of galactical. And he's like, I'm fucking smashed. I'm drunk and I'm saying happy America Day to all the patriots. I can't wait to get out of this fucking country with all the fucking communists, god damn it. And I'm going to spend a week in, what's, in French Polynesia.

I'm going to spend a month in French Polynesia. I can't wait till I get there. So then fast forward to a couple weeks later, he's waking up in the morning, he's got his man bikini on, he's out on some patios, overlooking the beautiful whatever the fuck he is, Frank Polynesia, the Pacific ocean or whatever. And he's like, it's another day in French Polynesia. Look at me. Hey, you know what I'm saying?

I'm going to get some titties and we're going to party the night away. Fast forward to later on in the day. Now he's really fucking smashed. I mean, he's like, there are at least three under 27 year old girls standing on a booth at an outdoor restaurant, like a beautiful outdoor restaurant, DJ playing in the background. I mean DJ playing in the background. And he's like, this is what fucking America should be, this is why I'm running for the mayor of New York, get your dick out of your pussy town and let's party.

Yeah, baby. He's like licking some girl's leg, he's like, I fucking love it. It's how the French probably need to stay here for the rest of my life, you know what I'm saying? Fast forward to the next morning, he's hungover. Oh man, I'm telling you, I fucking hit it hard last night. I gotta take a day off. It's your boy and God love you. I love all my people's out there all my fans out there keeps calling them fans or followers But all my fans out on insta. I love you mom mom

Why I'm gonna go I'm gonna get a little hair the dog and I'll take it easy today fast forward to four hours later He's like, I think I just took some ecstasy. I'm here with my boy, Gian, Gian's from Ireland, look at him, and I gotta, look at this girl, she's so hot, she's gonna give me a blow job later, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying to work it, you know what I'm saying? He is everywhere.

I don't know what he does for a living. You've got to show me this account because I want to follow him now. I do not know what he does for a living. You've got to show me this account. I will show you. Because I want to follow him now. I do not know who the guy is. He popped onto my algorithm. I instantaneously followed him based on one reel because I was like, this guy, this guy right here. Now I like all the colorful language.

And obviously he's from a different time and a different place where he doesn't think of women like maybe I do, but anyway, whatever. Okay, I take it on face value that there are people from a different time in a different place. And it doesn't seem like he's like assaulting anybody. It just seems like he's got very crass language, you know? But to be fair, he's crass language about everything. And then just all the admission of drug use and alcohol and hangovers.

And I'm fucked and I'm smashed and I'm on a yacht and look at all these looking all the assholes around here and I'm not talking about you know like you're an asshole I'm talking about assholes the kind you screw you know what I'm talking about. Meanwhile when his head shakes his wig goes the other direction it's not glued on correctly. Oh man I'm telling you. That's what we want to be. Well, minus all the... Yeah, degrading things. Minus some of the attitudes and language. But yes, that's what I want to be.

I want to be, hey, I'm in the French Polynesia. You can just wear the old Teresa Caputo. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get an old costume wig and just wear it out. Who fucking cares? I'm fucked up, I don't care. Despite all his musings, I highly doubt he's getting a blowjob for anybody, let alone these girls. But, you know, he probably tells

him he's the mayor of New York and they're all like, I don't know. You know, they live in French Polynesia. What do they know? I don't know who the mayor of French Polynesia is. How do they know who the mayor of New York is? I don't know. But I'm telling you what, it's fucking awesome. It is like, it's a kindred spirit. You want to be that lively and that loose and that out of control because that's the time to do those things. Maybe we need to get your mom a wig. And maybe that would make her like kind of turn morph into a different person. My mom's got wigs.

QVC wigs. Oh, she's got a bunch of QVC wigs. And I'm telling you, the other day, my youngest, we were over there, we were setting up her apartment and you know, you said, grandma kiki, and then my youngest walks out of her bathroom with one of the wigs on and I'm like, take that off your fucking head right now. Take that off your head. She thought it was the funniest. She was like laughing. She's like, ha ha ha ha. And I'm like, get that off. Please. You're freaking

me out, kid. You're freaking me out. Oh, yes. You have to laugh or you will cry during these times. That's it. That's it. So anyway, we'll have my mom on in a couple of days, actually. I told her we'd give her a call. Yes. Yes. Please. I would love to check in. We'll get a check in. I'll let you hear it for yourself. Yeah. I'll let you hear it for yourself. Good times. Good times indeed.

I'm telling you, 82, 83, fill me full of narcotics. Send me off to French Polynesia. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Oh, I want to talk about that yacht that sunk. Oh, god. Did you hear about that? Man. I know. I've been reading about it.

I mean, it's just awful. Yeah, but that guy, he like beat the federal government. And they're celebrating. Yeah, they were celebrating. But like all three people that were on trial have all died in like the last two days of natural weird occurrences. One guy got hit by a car.

I didn't know that. It's really weird. It's really weird. It's really strange. I don't believe in that kind of stuff, but I'm kind of like, oh, three of them? Three of them? All right, come down to Florida and see us right outside the villages.

Yes. Yes. Can we make a detour into the village as we go? We will. As we drive to where we're going? It's in Orlando. Yeah, we'll go. All right. Dania Beach Improv on the 24th of September.

Get your tickets now. On the 25th we'll be at the Bone, the Funny Bone in Orlando. We'll be at the Funny Bone in Orlando on the 25th. Your tickets are available on the website. On the show notes we have links to it. On the websites of those two places, of those two you can go there buy them directly and on our Instagram link in bio as they would say Lincoln bio yeah so please go buy your tickets and if you're gonna go let us know 2 1 2 4 3 3 3 8 2 2 that's 2 1 2 4 3 3 3

TCB we would love to see you you can also text us questions comments concerns content ideas we would love to hear them ask Brian can also text us questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We would love to hear them. Ask Brian's mom, ask TCB, you know how it goes. Please do us a favor, go to tcbpodcast.com. The F4 mentioned links to the tickets are there. You can also hear all the audio, watch all the video and learn more about Chrissy and I. Plus, get your free TCB sticker.

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Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time,

Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say, goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man

I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man Thanks for watching!