The Commercial Break - WTF Chuck!?

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

Bryan tells Krissy about a woman in N.Y. suing Kellogg Pop Tart for lack of nutritional value. He recalls a time he should have sued for food related trauma and they wonder what kind of meat in Subway... meat. Then they review some dating rules from the 1950's and are reminded that even 70 years ago "Hey!" was not a great pick-up line. Finally, it's a Love Connection date Chuck Woolery won't soon forget as Bryan tells Hoadley about his womanly legs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 And welcome back to WSHIT, what a very special night here on WSHIT, as we present Miss Krabapple 2021. We of course just crowned Miss Krabapple 2021, the Krabapple Queen Karen Crangle. For the third year in a row, Karen is our winner. Of course we only had four contestants this year, two of which were pretty sure were not human, but they were canine. Karen is down on the red carpet now with her own gym jangle. Jim?
Starting point is 00:00:30 How does Karen feel after this third win in a row? All of the fame, all of the money, all of the gift cards to Tina Tannen-Tweez and jizzy Jeff's all-male review dance hall? How's she feeling? Give us an idea. Well, we're just tickled the death to have Miss Krabbable Queen 2021 Karen Crangle right here with us. Karen, how do you feel?
Starting point is 00:00:49 All the glitz, all the glamour, all the photographers, the lights, the cameras. Tell me, tell me, tell me what's inside. Put the camera away. I'll tell you right now, Mr. That's the show's up on YouTube. I will find you. Tell him to shut the camera off. I just got off the cert. Tell him to shut the camera off now.
Starting point is 00:01:04 I don't like to be on the internet. I don't like to be on the internet. I don't like to be on the internet. I don. Tell him to shut the camera off. I've got officer. Tell him to shut the camera off now. I don't like to be on the internet at all. I don't believe in the internet. Please. There she goes. She's your Krabapple Queen. Ah Karen Crangle. Miss Krabapple Queen 2019 2020 and now 2021. As gracious and lovely as ever. We'll be back after this commercial break. I don't like to be on the internet. I don't believe in the internet.
Starting point is 00:01:35 Please. I don't believe in the internet. Please. On this episode of the commercial break. well you know I sometimes have what it hey with a winky face and sometimes I put a hey with my winky face, but Jack rabbit with extended winky face. There's no extender though, it's just a Jack rabbit hides in a hole most of the time. He comes out for feeding. Well, when he finally came, I had to run upstairs and do my face and my hair all over again.
Starting point is 00:02:13 Oh, it was so hot. Yeah, it's so hot. Because in an hour, it melted all. It's like, it's ice cream. Oh, it's ice cream. It's ice cream. It's ice cream. It's ice cream.
Starting point is 00:02:24 It's ice cream. It's ice cream. It's ice cream. It's a surprise. A revolver's undershuffled. Waiting. I had to put my wig on, my pantyhose, my girdle, my brazier. My heels, my palm side, where two pairs of shoes back then. You've got for baby show your toes in public. You said you want to have children immediately. Oh, no. Right now with you, Chuck. With these women's legs, I'm ready. I'm pretty sure I've a working vagina under that penis Let's get this love connection couch rock and check
Starting point is 00:03:02 Just pull up my scrondle second. Get the... The audience will tell us how we're doing. That's right. Along with the legs, I am unerous and planted. Just in case. Let's have the audience name the child. The next episode of the commercial break starts now.
Starting point is 00:03:26 Oh, it's the next episode of the commercial break! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! There's Kristen, I'm Brian, and happy holidays! Best of you, Kristen! Best of you, Brian! Best of you out there in the podcast universe. I hope everyone's doing well. Kristian and I still, on a millionaire hangover. We're at a million downloads. We want to thank every one of you
Starting point is 00:03:50 Vogue so much for listening you you out there listening to us right now through your earballs through your earphones So you're your pause driving walking driving walking streaming the party using squatty potty Or uh, you whatever it is you're doing out there. We really appreciate a million downloads not possible without you This million bound those brought to you by you Congratulations to you best to you is all we got to say and best to you congratulations On them so you have million downloads. We've been talking about it for a couple days now and we are super excited. Out of New York, breaking news. Breaking news. Breaking news.
Starting point is 00:04:28 I'm going to read this to you. A New York woman named Elizabeth Russet is leading the crusade against Kellogg's serial and breakfast brand. In her lawsuit, she claims that the fruit filling in her Kellogg's whole grain frosted strawberry toaster pastries, if you're eating something with more than four names, you should change your diet. That's all I gotta say. Right. Is mostly other fruit.
Starting point is 00:04:51 According to the lawsuit obtained by TMZ, the pop tarts in question are actually heavier on pairs and apples than strawberries. The nerves. Which she insists is not enough nutrition to provide nutritional benefits to her body, let alone a strawberry taste. Russa claims that Kellogg's is using the packaging to fool folks who want to snack packed with more strawberries. She is saying that her damages,
Starting point is 00:05:17 personal damages exceed $5 million. And she would also like to see pop tarts relabel their strawberry pop tarts. What about the frosting on top? Does that make up for any of the nutrition? Absolutely, that's packed full of nutritional value. You've got 36 grams of sugar. It's made of basically potato starch.
Starting point is 00:05:37 It's, I mean, you're gonna start the morning off right, Elizabeth, started off with a sugar coated par bomb straight to your gut. Have a cup of coffee. Right. Right. I need regular strawberries. This is the kind of person who just eat strawberries. Half a cup of French vanilla flavored coffee mate in her coffee has a couple of strawberry pop tarts and is on her merry way to shit in some
Starting point is 00:06:05 office bathroom somewhere in new york or the unsuspecting poor office workers have to deal with it unbelievable basically another one unbelievable is this really is this really what you have time for Elizabeth the lawyer that's a good and listen there's a lawyer that'll take on anything i will almost guarantee you that there is a lawyer that will take on any case.
Starting point is 00:06:27 That's true. As long as the lawyer is not, you know, creating some crime by taking the case, like if you know that your client is lying and you're going from the judge and claim that it's true, or, I mean, I don't want to get into it. No, man, I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to speak politics on here because you guys don't care. I need to do that. I really was pouring.
Starting point is 00:06:43 I will say Elizabeth, fuck you! And you strawberry pop-tarts. I'll take you up the court's time. Stop taking up everybody's time. This is ridiculousness. This is phony balloony, baloney, right here. And it's of the highest order. If you think that strawberry pop-tarts,
Starting point is 00:07:01 even if their whole grain have any kind of nutritional value whatsoever, and that the strawberries are gonna add additional nutritional value. Do you know what strawberries have a lot of sugar? That's what they have a lot of. A strawberry has no nutritional value, except for maybe a little bit of vitamin C that is good for you.
Starting point is 00:07:19 It is just very, okay, antioxidants. If you're counting on a fucking pop tart to give you antioxidants Oxidance, you gotta read. At least there were pairs, and what was the other one? This, pairs and apples. Apples, I mean.
Starting point is 00:07:32 Apples. This is the kind of lady who walks into a grocery store and is looking for a wet spot to slip on. This is the kind of lady who stands purposefully in the middle of the subway. They're hoping it's going to close on her. This is the lady that would literally throw herself down an escalator at an airport so that she can go ahead
Starting point is 00:07:49 and file suit. This is the lady who sues Kellogg's for a pop tart, having two little strawberries in it. Okay. This is insane. This is insane. Why? Why?
Starting point is 00:08:01 Let me say a little story. Let me go back. There was that subway thing that just came out about that was that the egg salad or the tuna salad that didn't actually have tuna? I mean, if you're eating it again, if you're eating it's subway, you're expecting that your tuna salad has tuna in it. You got to, you got to, like, subway has some of the worst. This is real investigative journalism that's coming out.
Starting point is 00:08:21 Subway has some of the worst quality meat you have ever seen in the entire life. It actually shines rainbow colors if you look at it under lighting. I'm not even kidding. Like when you're walking through the aisle, if you see one of those, you know, one of the lights up top, you can, it's like a mirror. You can see it on the turkey
Starting point is 00:08:38 and it's shining all kind of bright colors. You know what that indicates? It's not fucking meat. That's what it indicates. It's just some conglomerate of pigainuses or something. I don't know. Let me tell you a little story. I'm going to go back and Brian history and tell you a little story. It's about two years ago. I'm in a car full of in-laws and we're coming back from something
Starting point is 00:08:56 or the other. It is about 10 o'clock at night. And we decide or somebody decides in the back seat, you know what? We really good right now ice cream. Let's get some ice cream. But there's no ice cream shops open at 10 p.m. It's just not the way they roll, you know? The kids go to sleep early so they're not open. So we decide the only ice cream that's palatable at this time of night is either we go to the store,
Starting point is 00:09:15 which no one wants to do, or we go through McDonald's Drive-Thru and get a hot fudge sundae. Mm-hmm. Now, that just, that just all largely depends on whether or not the hot fudge sundae machine is actually working, right? Because most of the or not the hot fudge Sunday machine is actually working, right? Because most of the time the hot fudge machine is not working. That's a whole different story altogether.
Starting point is 00:09:31 We go through the drive-through. The guy tells us to please pull forward and he'll bring us his hot fudge Sundays. Nice. Courteous. Courteous. Very nice young man. 10.30 a night. There's no one else in the drive-through line I might mind you right so he comes he gives us our our Sundays all of us there's like five Sundays and before I even before I even open up my spoon I can already smell Something that smells like a dead raccoon smells awful. It smells awful. I mean it's's it's it's worse than shit. It smells worse than shit. And the thing that I'm holding is all sticky. It's like everything's sticky, right? And so I put them ice cream up to my nose. I have a highly sensitive nose. I'm like, I have a hose for a nose. I stick it up to my nose. And guess what? It's the ice cream or whatever's in the ice cream. That's rancid something is in there.
Starting point is 00:10:26 It is fucking disgusting. So I say everybody, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Smell your ice cream, right? To which then everybody goes around smelling their ice cream and they all smell like, smell does it smells bad? Smells horrible. Stinks.
Starting point is 00:10:37 So I'm like, okay, let's throw these out. Smell my finger. Okay. Smell my chin. That was the favorite one when I was a perverted young 21 year old. Smell my chin. How did you date go? So I don't know, smell my chin.
Starting point is 00:10:56 So I just say throw these away, right? And we'll go file a complaint with the manager because it's 10 o'clock at night. There's a bunch of young teenage punks in there. They're not going to do anything about it anyway. Well, Asher is like, no way am I letting this go. So her and Gustavo go in, they have a conversation with the guy, the guy, you know, it says, oh yeah, those do smell that, you know, they smelled it. Yeah. And then, I don't know, I forget what happens. I think we got our money back. Astrid wanted to follow up with this. So I ended up calling a general manager like Inquiry line,
Starting point is 00:11:29 right? And I said something to this. But I think back on that, whatever they had handed us was certainly rancid. It was bad. It was really, really bad. We could have easily called the health department and or filed a lawsuit based on them putting
Starting point is 00:11:43 in danger in our house. We should have kept it. K kept it, got it analyzed, whatever was in there. There might have been decomposing body material. Somebody might have buried in the fryer or something. I'm not even sure. But I never did that. You know, I never did that.
Starting point is 00:11:55 Because I'm not that fucking asshole who's going to go file a $5 million lawsuit against McDonald. Nothing happened. I didn't need it. It's just a bad smell on my fingers. That's what ended up happening. And if I filed a lawsuit every time my fingers smelled bad. We'd be in court all the time.
Starting point is 00:12:10 Hey guys, I wanted to let you know that this episode is sponsored in part by Texas Loan Star Tomales. It's finally that time of the year again, the holiday season. The air is going to be rich with the smell of delicious foods and Texas Lone Star Tommollies wants you to bring home the authentic gourmet taste of Mexican cuisine. Their homemade tamale recipe combines the perfect balance of masa, finely shredded meats, peppers, and spices all rolled in a natural corn husk. These flavors will have you wanting more of these tamales every holiday season, so start a new tradition using Texas Lone Star Tamales. They know that the holiday time is a busy time,
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Starting point is 00:13:25 12 free tamales. If you're single, you're eating for like two and a half weeks using the code TCB. So make your experience authentic. Shop now at TexasLoanStarTamales.com. That's TexasLoanStarTamales.com. Tell them TCB sent you. Use the code TCB for a free dozen tamales. That's insane. Thanks, Texas Lone Star Tamales for being a sponsor of the Commercial Break. Thanks guys for listening to another episode of the Commercial Break. I want to quickly let you know that
Starting point is 00:14:01 tcbpodcast.com is where you go to find out more information about Chrissy and I. You can read all the show notes, watch all the video, want to quickly let you know that tcbpodcast.com is where you go to find out more information about Chrissy and I. You can read all the show notes, watch all the video and listen to all the audio from one location tcbpodcast.com. If you'd like to get a hold of your very own collectible tcb sticker, go to tcbpodcast.com and click on the button that says I want my sticker. You can find out information about how you get the sticker and tell us where we can send it to. 661, the word best, the number two,
Starting point is 00:14:30 Y-O, that's 661 best to y-O, 661, 237, 8296, is where you can text us or leave us a voice message. If you leave us a voice message, make sure you include the phrase, best to you, to be included in a future episode. Also, please follow us on Instagram at thecommercialbreakYouTube.com slash the commercial break to subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you would be so kind, please and thank you. Use our sponsors, special codes and URLs whenever
Starting point is 00:14:59 you get an opportunity. It gives you free stuff or discounts and it tells our sponsors we're doing our job also like rate review and subscribe On your favorite podcast platform and now back to the show This episode is sponsored in part by Squatty Potty. Not very often are you going to hear a commercial about your poop. But this is it. Squatty Potty is a bathroom utensil that goes under your feet and around your toilet to put you in a natural, crouching position every time you go number two. And I swear for many years, me and most of my family members have been using
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Starting point is 00:17:07 As you do. As I do. And, you know, I was saying this on Fireside, my wife started watching the bachelor a couple nights ago. And it's back, which means 21 weeks of night of, you know, bachelor at every fucking night, you know, five nights a week or whatever it is. They so much of that show that goes on,
Starting point is 00:17:28 they're different versions of it and all this other stuff. It got me really like thinking about dating in general and how difficult dating in general really is. And especially in 2021 and I'm not even dating. I have no clue what it's all about. I'm just guessing that it's really a lot harder than what I was when I was there. I mean, I'm lucky to have kind of fallen into a situation where I fell in love very quickly and we got
Starting point is 00:17:51 married and ended up working out so far. Yes, me too. Me too. But in 2021, what I do here from the singles out there, the roof. Yeah, it's tough. The rules have changed. The game the game plan is not the same as it used to be. And people get hurt. Feelings get hurt. Things happen. But so rudely these days, so rudely and intentionally, that it really makes me think like,
Starting point is 00:18:15 either people are turning into big assholes or they're all scaredy cats. Like it's, you know, everything's, you're so scared of everything that you have to ghost everybody on. The moments notice. Think of a version to a conflict conflict any little thing that bothers you except if you're behind like a total like anonymously then you're good then you'll troll away and that's right yeah but it comes with
Starting point is 00:18:39 somebody knowing who you are then that's a whole different story all together. Forget about it. So I decided that I would go and I would take a look at some old, I found a video, a dating, do's, and don'ts. How you ask out a girlfriend of first date? This is from the 1940s. You wanna hear this? It's an old PSA.
Starting point is 00:18:58 You know how we like to go through the old PSA? Yes. Let me make sure, God, I'll say that. So education, oh. Yeah. Okay, so let's take a listen to, oh wait, that's not it. I'm on the wrong channel. As I got all set up here. Yeah, okay, so let's take a listen to oh wait, that's not it I'm I'm on the wrong channel as I am as you do almost yeah as I do Studio almost exploded this morning
Starting point is 00:19:13 We're lucky to be recording right now actually the camera would flying into like a corner Yeah, I know I did I told you're gonna hear this probably twice But I'll tell it again I went to go get paper in the closet that's right behind the camera and as I did my leg caught the wire That's keeping the camera connected. You didn't jump the wire higher Caught it in the camera just went It totally bent an entire usb port almost in a you shape We're we even put that in said, was it always like that?
Starting point is 00:19:46 It almost looks like it was made that way because it moved with such force. Surprise it didn't date the computer with it. You can see it on youtube.com slash the commercial. Okay, that's okay. Yeah, all right. I know. I'm always fucking up something. But here we are. We're here in fact.
Starting point is 00:20:02 That's more okay. Better than ever. Okay, now let's listen this is uh hot-cl- choosing a date getting a date in 1943 I think this is what this is here we go how do you choose a date whose company would you enjoy well one thing you can stripper and AHAHAHAHAHA And consider is looks. One thing you can consider is looks. One thing. One thing. If I'm a betting man, this is your first date, you should probably go with the looks.
Starting point is 00:20:35 Oh yeah, it's the cover of the book. Yeah, that's right. He'd really have to rate to date somebody like her. Except, when it's too bad, Janice always acts so superior and bored. She'd make a fellow feel awkward and inferior. Janice always ends up making things so boring. Janice does. Ah, Janice! She's a real fucking nutnik! Can't trust Janice with your family. She's so hot but she's a snooze vest I'm telling you never in the history's ever I've ever has that matter to a teenage boy but good try narrator
Starting point is 00:21:13 What about Anne? She knows how to have a good time. Oh She's a real sleaze bag I'm not that ed. She's got a reputation with the boys. Yeah, I think that's what he's trying to say Yeah, and how to make the fellow with her relax have fun too Yes, that's what a boy likes. He wants to know he's appreciated and would be fun on a date Nope, boy don't care about either of those things I'll tell you what he cares about. We're talking about like 15 year olds here.
Starting point is 00:21:48 Yeah. The guy, a kid does not think that clearly about whether or not he's gonna have fun, about whether or not he's gonna pay his attention to him. You know the boy cares about? Yeah, boobs. How do you ask for a date? Tinder.
Starting point is 00:22:02 I mean, is that the way you do it? You go on Instagram and you say, hey, this girl, this girl I know, she, she, she's a single girl. She wrote on, on her Instagram, hey, is not a pickup line. You will instantaneously be deleted. But I think back to my Tinder days, and I'm pretty sure, hey, was what I put on every girl. I swiped right. I was like, hey, hey, you get a little bit of the AGE, E-E-E-Y. Well, you know, I sometimes have what they pay with a winky face. And sometimes I put a hey with my winky face. But Jackrabbit would extend a winky face. There's no extender though.
Starting point is 00:22:41 It's just a Jackrabbit. Heides in a hole most of the time. Comes out for feeding. I want to be clear, I have never sent an unsolicited dick pic in my entire life. What about this? Um, Ian? Well, how about a dick? Well, I...
Starting point is 00:23:04 Well, really? No bad, Woody. Well, and the real bitch. Yeah. Well, Woody didn't give it his best try. Hey, and how about a date? But that is the, hey. What?
Starting point is 00:23:20 What? That was too funny. Yeah, he didn't give it to the old college trial. No, he said the 1940s equivalent of, hey, you say your hair looks pretty or something. Please, thank you. Well, suppose he did it this way. Hmm, when the narrator goes, hmm, you know you're a troll. Oh, man, what you doing Saturday night?
Starting point is 00:23:46 Well I guess I'm busy. Oh yeah and they've got to give him the bus shop for me. Well I've been new. Well I've been new. Wow what he's got game. Yeah it's a real real grease or stuff. Wow, Woody's got game. Yeah. Yeah, it's a real, real grease or stuff. Yeah, I know.
Starting point is 00:24:10 I'm thinking through like a pompadour. No, it's like leave it to be for me. You got like the wool suit on or whatever. You know, and the thing is here, it's, listen. I, you remember what having an old phone was like. You know, you'd have to pick up and you'd have to call it a certain time and you'd have to pray that the parents didn't answer the phone because then you'd have to talk to him You know, hey is Mandy there, you know who is this? This is Brian. What do you want to ask? Yeah?
Starting point is 00:24:32 The whole nine years that one ask her on a date. You old hag get her on the phone what What Who's this what right? Chrissy and I were saying on an episode ago there was a guy who could call the police department to complain that the police officers had stolen his weed When they could blame that they had stolen his weed. I'm gonna give you one second When they I'm gonna turn this off because it's causing a little color fluctuations in our video Let me stop deposit explain to the audience what's going on?
Starting point is 00:25:04 Why I just said that. It's because I broke the camera. And so when I broke the camera, we had this whole discombobulated thing. We have a TV that's right behind the camera that Chrissy and I can see each other on when we're doing the show. So we know if we look good and all that other good shit. But because I probably broke that whole system, it no longer works. So I turned on a television show while we were recording.
Starting point is 00:25:25 Which was a man playing with a Barbie. A man playing with a Barbie. That's right. I was like, I'm sitting in the wrong direction. And there's a Barbie commercial. So that's I know. A contextual advertising. It's all the way of the future. So Chrissy and I did this show the other day. The guy calls back to say 9-1-1. He calls 9-1-1 and he says, Hey, I want my weed back to which the officer says, give me your name. And every time the officer asked him a question to which, he obviously did not, he didn't want to answer
Starting point is 00:25:53 or heard he did extra time to answer, he'd go, What? So the officer be like, what's your name? What? That's not the point. What counting is this? That's not the point. I want my weed back. Well, where are you staying? What? That's not the boy. What counting is this? That's not the point. I want my weed back.
Starting point is 00:26:05 Well, where are you staying? What? It's a good all around answer. It's good all around answer. If you need to stall for time, just scream what? Yeah, people will be confused. Is he having an episode? What's going on over there?
Starting point is 00:26:19 What? Brian, are you okay? What? Is there another way? And this is Woody. Well, I have a ticket for the high teen carnival Saturday and where would you like to go? What? What?
Starting point is 00:26:37 First of all, the carnival is called the high teen carnival. High teen. We're watching the birth of the very first insane clown potty gathering of the juggles, the high teen carnival. What? I sure hope that Peggy says yes Why does every woman and all of these things every every girl every woman? Why did it all sound like wind up dolls and thank you polvoster?
Starting point is 00:27:31 The sure I'd be glad to go Would you like to go to on the date? I have to ask my parents It's just to it's too cliche to be weird. Bye. I'm going to be with Woody. Santer day. Deet with Woody. Santer day. What a name.
Starting point is 00:27:52 What will I wear? How much makeup should I put on? All of it. Who's bringing the prophyllac dicks? We're going to the high teeth in carnival. I got to get some sticky yiki. Yeah. I better steal some sticky yiki from Dan.
Starting point is 00:28:00 I'm going to get some sticky yiki. I'm going to get some sticky yiki. I'm going to get some sticky yiki. I'm going to get some sticky yiki. I'm going to get some sticky yiki. I'm going to get some sticky yiki. I'm going to get some sticky yiki. I'm going going to the high teeth carnival. I got to get some sticky yiki. Yeah. I Better steal some sticky yiki from dad Dad can I have some of your sticky yiki? funny
Starting point is 00:28:30 Is she getting ready in her Is that the new Yeezy song? Yee Is that x57 or whatever that guy's name is little little now is a big What's that little nozac little now's X there you go She's getting ready for a good wall. Of course she is now. This is her my thing. This is her mom whistling and she's gonna talk about her mom's like in the kitchen Yeah, it's a new world pool. It's using that you knew world pool dishwasher or you do everything right Rinse them You wash them put them in the rack and we'll wash them again.
Starting point is 00:29:07 You actually wash them and make sure they're clean and we'll throw some water on them. $7,000. Get a new mortgage on you. Hi, I'm Hi Judy. Wow, this is two twinkle toes here. Hi, Judy. Hi, I am. Hi, Judy. Hi, I am. Hi, I'm Markson. Hi, I'm Judy. I can't tell the difference between the voices. This is something straight out of casting. What are you doing? Why aren't you being criticized a little sister? We didn't raise for my day tonight with Woody. Oh, he's nice.
Starting point is 00:29:51 I bet he has. He's got a nice ass. Nice Woody. What do you think he got that nickname from? All the girls in the 11th grade are talking about it. He's got a high hard one. He saw him making out with the quarterback class, but he did the high carnival. He gets wild. What he's got a real reputation. I think the important thing about a day is to have a good time. And you don't need to spend a lot of money to do that.
Starting point is 00:30:27 You just enjoy whatever you do. Who's giving you that line of shit? Yeah. Whether it's movies or parties or anything, and you leave your boyfriend enough money for a last year, you're getting mine. You'll be out of your range. I can't have her.
Starting point is 00:30:43 I can't have her stand that octave of her voice. Yeah, no, she's saying that if you leave your boyfriend with enough money, he'll ask you out for on a second date because you can take you out. So this is teaching the women to be subservient. Frugal. Yeah, frugal, make sure you don't spend too much of his money. It's a whole thing. Don't order the seafood tower.
Starting point is 00:30:59 Yeah, don't order. In Vegas. Don't order the fried ribs, seafood tower, with crab cake and auge. and Vegas C-Foot Tower with Crab Cake and Ozzy I hope you don't mind I I ordered a ship in cream sauce tower Fondue Crabrab cakes, lobster, prime rib. Anything. Anything you'll go with plated casino chips. We're gonna eat them all today. Don't worry about it. I've got lady Gaga coming to sing at the table for us. Oh look there's Phil
Starting point is 00:31:41 Michelson the golfer. That's right. We're're going out to play nine Oh shut I don't have any more money for a second day It was fun while I last it actually I don't have enough money for this date Can you call your mom and dad tell them to pick you up? in the casino Kitchen early days mom and dad not have an agreement about what time to. Look, maybe I had to get my stockings from the bathroom. Sure. Never in the history of ever as a teenager had an agreement about what time to come in.
Starting point is 00:32:15 No. The parents have said 10. 11, 10. No, that's it. Yeah. OK, I guess. Yes, you do. And before cell phones, hey kids, just before cell phones, it was a whole thing because my parents couldn't even get a hold of me. No Mike
Starting point is 00:32:28 I knew you had to like trust that your kid was gonna come though. I had to check in there was no cell phones Yeah, no it was all a whole different world like you went out you went out And it was a phone where you were and you felt like you would a call. Yeah Chrissy. In the world. See you later. Me and your mom are like, because smoke's a mess. Don't come back for a couple of days.
Starting point is 00:32:53 Oh. Yeah, imagine how nerve-wracking that would have been. Just to send your child out out of the world and then have no way of getting a hold of them and just praying to take them on. Yeah. What an anxiety filled world. Maybe it is better than this 2021. I can literally put a tracking device up being asked. Yes. Yes. With the thermometer. I'm saying, God. I know my guys, the sisters, I don't put them in their shoes. Oh, yes. They have the little eye things now like the eye button or whatever You call it like apple and you can put on anywhere like the tiny and I'm used to it. Yeah, I'm no, I mean kids
Starting point is 00:33:33 Oh, okay, I know I was being tricked Probably got a couple of those on me too. Yeah, I don't know what she needs it for. I'm right here in the studio We're really excited tonight at your first date. I'm right here in the studio. Were you excited tonight of your first date? I sure was. So was I. I took my date seriously. A date was a major event. By the night of my first date, my date had a flat tire and he was an hour late. And he didn't even bother to call me.
Starting point is 00:33:59 Well, when he finally came, I had to run upstairs and do my face and my hair all over again. Oh, it was so hot. Finally came I had to run upstairs and do my face and my hair all over again Hour it melted all I was undeshuggled waiting I need to put my wig on my pantyhose my girdle my brazier My heels my pump side wear two pairs of shoes back. You've got forbid you show your toes in public. I had to psych myself up in front of the mirror. Don't talk. Don't say anything, especially when we're not dancing.
Starting point is 00:34:35 We did another episode about being singling. One of the rules back from 1938 was don't talk while you're dancing. A man doesn't want to hear you in your dance. Nope. No. What's that cheek next to his jacket? That A man doesn't want to hear you win your dance. Nope. No. Once that cheek next to his. That's right. Cheek to cheek.
Starting point is 00:34:49 That's it. I don't want to hear none of that, woman talk about emotions. Don't start crying on me. They really kills my boner. And my buzz. I've been drinking since then. I haven't drink since then.
Starting point is 00:35:03 Can you stay sober enough to drive a, ah, to drive a woman? You can't drive us home. Don't worry about it. I'd rather drive drunk than let you be behind the wheel. What do you know? And the moral of that story is that I should be on time for that, right? You bet. Oh, what are you saying? Hey, everybody. Yeah. Flowers. Anyone expect flowers, will she? Huh? Oh, I hardly think so. I'm taking these to Mary because it's a special occasion.
Starting point is 00:35:33 But I don't have to. I'm meant to be a fair. That's the general idea. Flowers for a prom or a very special party. Otherwise, you don't need to. Don't waste your money on flowers. She's not special party. Otherwise, you don't need to. Don't waste your money on flowers. She's not special enough. That has been with every boy in the forest grade.
Starting point is 00:35:50 Save it for booze. Save it for liquor. Save it for a hot dog hamburger hill or whatever they call it. Get up there to have burger hill. Get yourself a couple of roofing holes and go to town boy 1938 Say I'll have to run me to see you later Say I'll have to run like what is that talk say Say Chris
Starting point is 00:36:18 I know we start talking I got a run Okay, Brian I got a skid handles too. I only have four hours before my day. I better start putting my makeup up. Okay. That's what the high team party that's a high team carnival right there. It's a real swing and a fair Cursey if you know what I mean all the kids are in the bebop skirts The greasers are in the back smoking cigarettes. Oh, yeah, okay cigarettes coming there here Jim Morrison is just being born
Starting point is 00:36:59 It's a whole thing I don't know if you know this but a swing in clarinet lets you know it's a rock and good to have a high teen affair. Nothing says party like a rock clarinet. Nothing says party like a clarinet. I don't know if you do that. I remember when I was in the band. A clarinet. Did you get it in 33p? No 33p didn't but I played saxophone. I played it all the saxophone. That's it. We didn't have a rock clarinet. Yeah. Oh, now I've been pointed. thing. Yeah. No, I'm not in the woodwind section.
Starting point is 00:37:45 I like to clear that very much. But you don't see it around too much anymore. I mean, every once in a blue mood someone breaks out a saxophone, which I think is really cool, right? I've got, I love horns. Love horns, right? Saxophone horn section, you get it. But very rarely do you see it.
Starting point is 00:38:01 The clarinet is like the, it's like the stem cell. It's like the wood channel that the wood section It's for an orchestra exactly what no one sees it Like third row usually some diminutive woman Usually the conductor is like try the clear Okay, Claire and it's spiked out I remember I was in band and I had this band
Starting point is 00:38:27 each I won't give away his name. God forbid. God bless the guy. He was just, he was, you know, he was up to that. And it always been like, okay, clarinet spiked down. No one wants to hear you under his breath. No, I don't think I got shit. Saxophone, give me more, Trump, Trump! First chair saxophone. Hit first chair clarinet over the head with your horns. Yes, there you go. Okay, all right. Piccolo, as the clar Clearance bleeding. Go get her some tissues. Hey, the fucking pick a low. There's never been a pick a low. Pick a low has two lines in any August.
Starting point is 00:39:14 The pick a low. Okay, second clarinet. Shut up. We're gonna end up like first clarinet. I personally never, I never aspired to be first saxophone I was okay with third. I just was kind of forgotten about if I wasn't playing the right notes. I just pretend. Yeah. Did you go like but actually not blow anything? I have the time I didn't show up to like the
Starting point is 00:39:43 football games and stuff and I'm like this sucks. I gotta this is a half the time I didn't show up to like the football games and stuff. And I'm like, this sucks. I gotta go sit and play saxophone. I don't wanna do that on a Friday night. I'd rather go get high. The high team. The high team carnival. That's what I wanna do. But the couple times that I did,
Starting point is 00:39:57 I had a good buddy named Russell. And he was like the, he was like that, he played baritone sax. Oh, yeah. And he was good. He was like a good baritone. And he played alto sax too was a good baritone. But he played alto sax too.
Starting point is 00:40:06 So sometimes we would enter competitions as like a baritone alto combo and we'd have to like practice these things anyway. I think he ended up being first share at some point. So it's such a nice. So it just look at me like, you know, you know, you don't hurt me. He looked at me and I'd be like,
Starting point is 00:40:20 and I'd be like, and he ran my mouth on the thing. I be like, I don't even have my mouth on the thing. I was like, I was like, I wish you'd bust it out and dance, but not really be playing. Yeah. I did like you are.
Starting point is 00:40:34 Yeah. Okay, green, we know you're just see, you know, warm button to cheer, just shut up. That'll do. Okay, green, pretend like you're playing. Yeah. Cause you know, every when we started a new, to share, to shut up. That'll do. Okay, green pretend like you're playing. Exactly. Because you know, every when we started a new thing, a new piece of music, everybody would break into their groups
Starting point is 00:40:51 and they do it and then you know, we come back together and then you know, he'd be, listen, we were horrible anyway. We just bad, it was just bad. It was like a high school band, you know, a small high school band. Right. And so he'd be like, he'd be,
Starting point is 00:41:02 and the conductor would be, he'd be so excited about it. And he'd give us his hand and tell us to get more and more and I'd be like, oh, they have an hour. I don't know, I'm page wrong. I'm going to be page on six. I'd be on page one. I always remember feeling such anxiety about being totally lost. And I'd be like, lost and I'd be like, surprise you can show us reds parents. No, I haven't broken out the size of phone yet. No, I haven't broken out the saxophone yet. The end of a perfect evening. But how do you say good night?
Starting point is 00:41:38 Where's your tongue? That's what I say. Yeah, perhaps. Don't leave. Hey, yeah, no, he said don't leave I hope you have a good night, baby. I did not You spent all my money because no money for a second date! I gotta go on the barris! Fresh out! Fresh out! I gotta go for tune up for tomorrow's saxophone rec... ...sperseil...
Starting point is 00:42:13 What am? Or it could go this way. Well, the long. So long. I could go that way. Just like that. After all, a girl likes to know you've had a good time. It's so long, it's not like you said.
Starting point is 00:42:38 Yeah. So long. I guess something's better than nothing. Hey, listen, I think in 2021, anybody can say anything. Yeah, that's hey kids, that's what you need to do. Don't go, just say so long. What is those words? Yes, just say so long.
Starting point is 00:42:52 And that way you can reserve judgment for later. Yes. You sleep on it, sleep with somebody else on it. Just figure it out. Let me ask you a question. What is the appropriate amount of time to wait to text somebody back, like to text somebody after a first date? Oh, I mean, I think, you know, next day.
Starting point is 00:43:09 So then how much I had to drink? If I had a lot to drink, I'd probably just be sorry. Before I get out of the Uber. Sorry. I know I'm not your dream, man. But can I be your now, man? I don't think there's a rule. You know, it's customizing. Some people say the three day rule, right?
Starting point is 00:43:30 But I think that's way out there. I think that's before self-love. Yeah, then you think you're ghosted. Yeah, then you definitely get ghosted. In this age of immediate gratification, like you don't even say something by the next day. That's right. Then they've driven off a cliff.
Starting point is 00:43:44 I think a couple of hours to the next morning. that's right. Then they've driven off a cliff. I think a couple of hours to the next morning, if you've had a good time, right? If you haven't had a good time, just text them immediately. I've had a good time. What? So long. Just send them a voicemail. Hey, remember we were talking about the love connection a couple of episodes back?
Starting point is 00:44:04 I actually found a love connection video that I connection a couple of episodes back. Yes. I actually found a love connection video that I'd like to play for you. Okay. Now, love connection, you know, it doesn't move at the fast pace we're all used to. There's kind of some back and forth that goes on here that may not be relevant, but I'm sure you and I can have fun with it. This is the horniest man I've watched so many love connection episodes recently. I mean, in Bivorecele, I mean in the last six months.
Starting point is 00:44:23 This is the horniest man I have ever heard on love connection. Okay. He really gets into it. Okay. And he wants to have kids as soon as possible. And he says that his appearance really changed after high school. We's welcome Matt with him. All right, Matt, yeah, go buddy.
Starting point is 00:44:41 His appearance really changed after high school. What? He got an air to the chest. How did apparently changed after high school. What? He got her to the chest. How did things change after high school? Oh, that's not really a fun one. Oh, you were short? Yeah, it's five foot two. Wait.
Starting point is 00:44:52 You finally, I finally grew a dick. That's it, Chuck. You know how girls, that's boy. 95 pounds. Really? All through high school. All through high school. And then you have to check acts like he cares.
Starting point is 00:45:03 Yeah, really? Yeah, really. Really. I've been a high school, really. Really, I've been drinking all afternoon, really. What? The growing spurt went in your first year of college or? No, in the military, until I got about 22, I just grew within four years. I'm six one now.
Starting point is 00:45:18 Good about you, Sarah. Wow. Yeah, they took about just Sarah. It's good, Lord. From the time you were 18 to 22, you grew seven inches. That's insane. What does the doctors do to you? You have some special military program for a friend of their own.
Starting point is 00:45:32 You was in the spirit middle program. He's in the Robo's comp program. Trying to grow, yes. People. They cut my legs in half and they put somebody else's legs in. I've got a tan line where so I got legs donated to me. I've got a woman's legs from the hips down. Don't play there shapely.
Starting point is 00:45:56 My mom always used to be like, you have beautiful, you have a woman's legs. That's what you use to say. You have such pretty legs. You really do, Brian. They're like a woman's legs. And I mean like a butt of man, but like a woman. A man woman. I was always so self conscious.
Starting point is 00:46:10 Meanwhile, I had a hair on them in third grade, like an entire bushel fall. And I was like, what does she mean by that? You said, yeah. So I know it was like being short. Now, and you didn't like that? Uh-uh, no way. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:46:23 It's like, oh, no, sorry Bob. Didn't like being short one bit. That no way, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Every time I walk in the mall, I gotta stop and victory a secret. Now because I want to do, because the legs just stop. I don't know what's going on. It's like they smell retail. You said you want to have children immediately. Oh, now right now with you Chuck. Thank you. Thank you. With these women's legs, I'm ready.
Starting point is 00:46:58 I'm pretty sure I have a work in vagina under that penis. Thank you. Right now with your Chuck. penis. Right now we're shocked. Let's get this love connection couch rock and just just pull up my scrondle second. The audience will tell us how we're doing. Along with the legs, I am unarest and planted. Just in case. Let's have the audience name the child. Oh my god. Between the woman's legs and my unarest, I know we can get this done in shock.
Starting point is 00:47:41 It'll be the best episode of Love Connection. It's right away. Not immediately. I mean, real soon. Okay, tomorrow. I'm okay. Welcome back for a second, taping. They always do. Soon, I mean, my Tom, Kat and Daisy are over.
Starting point is 00:47:54 It's time to go out and meet a lady and start having a family or yet. One last one you have in the family, so. You also said you don't, you buy something for women better than flowers. What is that? Card belt's lingerie. Oh. You also said you don't you you buy something for women better than flowers. What is that? Cardinal Sonsre Oh The legs just stop The legs just stop and the guy is single and I say well when in Rome I buy some
Starting point is 00:48:16 Garda belts When win we're all good Oh scandalous When when we're all good scandalous you have to know someone oh Yeah Instead of flowers I've much of these grotsless panties
Starting point is 00:48:49 I bought you these edible nipple tassels. I'm so glad I might hook this up on this blind date. Here's some fiddler flavored songs. You want to try them on? I'll take a lick. I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since San Francisco. It's a long way up to Modesto. I hope you don't mind us starting chewing on your panties on the way. I don't give a mind to take a cup of bites out of the crutches. He's on the way up. So hungry. My blood sugar was dropping quick and my legs were getting too cheap. So it was dropping quick, and my legs were getting too cheap. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha She dates about twice a week. She has a thing for men with big feet. And she told us about a recent date. I don't smoke and I don't really care. I don't really date guys that smoke. And he knew that from the friend that set us up.
Starting point is 00:49:58 And he said that he didn't smoke. And then I went to his apartment and there on his nightstand his bedroom was an airstrafe filled with that cigarette baths and that was it. Those aren't mine. Yeah. I don't know where those came from. What? I think my female legs are smoking again. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. While I'm sleeping,
Starting point is 00:50:26 save a mind of their own. So, Sam's awake up in the middle of the night and I'm eating. It's chocolate chip morsels by the handfuls. I don't know what's going on. Ever since this leg operation, things have gone south. I gotta be real honest with ya. Ha ha ha.
Starting point is 00:50:44 Okay, next there's ya. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Okay. Next, there's Mercedes. She was born. Two people are clapping because everyone smoked in 1982. Okay, that's good for you girl. That's good for you girl. You go.
Starting point is 00:50:57 Yeah. Good luck with that. Yeah. Vernon and Annapolis raised in Seattle. She thinks that she's more beautiful on the inside than on the outside. Well, that's the assessment. Well, that's the assessment.
Starting point is 00:51:10 I'm sure. She was married for seven years. She's been divorced for five years. But she's still wearing her wedding ring. And here's why. I'm hoping to come back. I like to play pretend. I like to play pretend. I like to play pretend. I had a full size cardboard cutout.
Starting point is 00:51:31 Just yesterday. I have a full size cardboard cutout sitting next to me in the bed. So I think we like to watch movies together smoking. I've burned two of them down. First of all, smoking in the bed is horribly dangerous. Oh my god. I never did that. Oh.
Starting point is 00:51:49 Sometimes I need it. It rescues me. I'm going to say, I want to go out to some comes up and he's a type of guy that I really am not interested in or I don't like, I really don't like his disposition or his attitude. I'm sorry, I i'm engaged i'm happy that takes care of the problem usually this is actually my ex-husband
Starting point is 00:52:10 i think that might scare more this is my ex-husband i pay him to follow me around because my dates finally lana she was born and raised in nashville she thinks that she resembles a little bit of john her interests include sporting events the the theater, and movie trivia. And here's Lana on the subject of marriage. I like this girl.
Starting point is 00:52:30 I like Lana. Mm-hmm. I always told my mom, I'm never marrying until I'm 25. You know, I wait till I'm at least 25. And now she's like, I know your way past 25, please. Do something, you know. It's like, well, after way past 25, please do something. It's like, well, after your women happens, it'll happen. One day I'll meet someone and it'll be right.
Starting point is 00:52:52 One day I'll be on a day and be dating game. One day I'll be mistakenly pregnant and I'll get married right after that. Hell, it just happened I love connection. All right. Three women mad head to choose from. I have to you to match him up. You know pick foreign So everybody in the audience is now using the audience o meter which is a button in front of them one two three Haven't seen that the first one we always hear both sides a little Suzy non smoke on smoker. That's right Here comes Susie
Starting point is 00:53:29 We spoke on the phone for about an hour and we've decided meat and it meat at a restaurant before the each on the waterfront We have dinner, okay, and I arrived 10 minutes early before and she arrived five minutes early before that and she walked in I thought oh man. She's got awesome settle eggs on her. Man, those nipple tassels are gonna fit those tits perfectly. She's got awesome settle eggs on her. Our legs new right away, we're good. She's got awesome settle eggs on her. I can fit nose panty nose.
Starting point is 00:54:01 We'll be swapping panty nose and leggings in no time. Hey, what do you think about Lunaro? You got a great opportunity for you. You went on a first date and it was like an MLM beating. I will tell you. I spotted you from across the way and I just need be a perfect fit. Do you remember the young lady that I dated in Tennessee? There was a girl, she was a little bit younger than I was, you were upset because you thought
Starting point is 00:54:32 you were too much younger than I was. I mean, she was legal clearly, but she was, you thought, remember, we got a little bit of a tip, right? Yes, yes. So we dated. I tried to look out for you, right? You did. Okay, and listen, nothing bad happened in that relationship.
Starting point is 00:54:43 It just ran its course. It went from like three weeks and then you know onward upward But a year later she called me and she would to her texted me I don't know if you remember this I think I told you the story and she was like I'm coming in town to Atlanta and I'd love to meet with you And I was like oh, I guess you want to reach into this play and she lived out of state It was mainly the reason why it didn't work out is because we didn't want. I got sick of traveling, right?
Starting point is 00:55:06 So a couple of hours before we meet, she says, Hey, I hope you don't mind my sister's coming with me and her business partner. And I was like, what? I go, oh, okay, yeah, sure. Why? Because we have a business opportunity. We really want to talk to you about. Download this video.
Starting point is 00:55:23 Yeah, it ended up being an MLM scam. Now, I got, I think it was her sister more than it was her, but she just literally. Who do you know? Yeah, she wanted it. There's this guy, I dated a year ago. Listen. There's this guy.
Starting point is 00:55:37 He was dumb enough to drive up here every Saturday night. Give me what I wanted and he left. And get him out on Sunday. Don't let him Go to college. I'll tell you what. She told me she had long legs and why don't you get that one right on the nail right there. What do you think of him when you saw him Susan? He looked pretty good himself.
Starting point is 00:55:57 Hey, I was very pleased with the way he looked. His legs are great too Chuck. It was a match made at Leggy Heaven. After my eyes adjusted to the light, I could feel like him. His legs look great too, Chuck. It was a match made in Leggy Heaven. After my eyes adjusted to the light, I could finally get in. It was very dark walking in there from the sunlight, but he looked really good. I like to take my dates to a very dark place. I don't want to notice my women's legs right off the bat, Chuck. Or the fact that I have lingerie waiting for them at the table.
Starting point is 00:56:24 Okay, so you're both happy with each other's looks, now what? We said in the cocktail line, Star Table was ready and had a glass wine, and I was just looking at her legs, it's going, man, I'd sure like to rub those legs. There we go. Jesus. Right here. Right here. We both tweaked in the carburetors and moving along, so now we're tweaking the carburetors.
Starting point is 00:56:44 The fuck, Chuck. The fuck, Chuck. carburetors and moving along. Do you think the carburetors? A fuck chuck. The fuck chuck. I would have to put my hands on those legs. Someone else's legs besides my own for change. Well, we were going to go out dancing. I said, we were getting along so well. I said, well, why don't you just go get a bottle of wine and go down the beach for a while and go, you know,
Starting point is 00:57:04 go from there. So he went down the myocidol at a specific place from the beach. Yeah. Popped open a bottle of wine and go down the beach for a while and go you know go from there So he went down the myosal of the festival beach Hopped open bottle wine and so go to the beach and necessarily get a blanket and go to the beach You went to the house to get the blanket to go down the beach with some glasses, too I didn't buy the glasses in the store either, but I walked in there. I said I got to have a kiss So a kiss When real well, I was real nice to kiss real well. Real nice. Kissing. Real well.
Starting point is 00:57:26 I was just one kiss here, Susan or what's going on? No, not quite. It went on for maybe 10, 15 minutes and... Jesus, they're kissing. They're making out for 10 or 15 minutes. Now, let me remind you, kids at home. They have met at his house. Now they met at a bar.
Starting point is 00:57:42 Then within an hour... They were supposed to go dancing. They were supposed to go dancing to a bar. Then, yeah. Within an hour. They were supposed to go dancing. They were supposed to go dancing to another safe public location. Right, now, they're back at his house so that they get a beach playing it and some glasses and go down to the beach. Now, no, no, no, listen, I say,
Starting point is 00:57:55 this probably happens now here and all that. You just, like, I, yeah, I think people would be a little bit more cautious than you. Caution. Yeah. Anybody ever watched a Netflix special? Right. Every whatever watch I love you.
Starting point is 00:58:07 I love you, wherever. That's a true grime. Knock your finger in your podcast. Oh my god. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Starting point is 00:58:16 I got it. I got it. Oh, we are going to 10, Jack. It's a little strange because he had roommates, but I figured, you know, while we're here, no strange because his mom and dad were all watching TV in the living room. We were on the floor, you know, goes, he said, I don't worry about it. They're used to it. They're watching jeopardy. They will know.
Starting point is 00:58:39 They're urging me to have children right away, right away. Hurry up, Mark. Get a pregnant. It's a giant. Go on. You need mommy to give you a spanking? Help you along. Like when you were a little teenager. I got you I'm whacking in the bathroom.
Starting point is 00:58:58 I used to spank you on the butt with that soup labor. It just moves you right along. I got ready for the beach by just taking my high hills and stockings out and putting some low sandals on and Then that's when he told me you wanted to lick my legs Jesus Christ mark Jesus Actually dad the maybe suggestion what you got a liquor legs mark Nothing says I love you like I got a lick on the legs first date lick on the legs. Yeah, that's make that to make it comfortable Well, she smiled they do didn't, she smiled, they didn't offend her. I'm a joe.
Starting point is 00:59:49 He didn't. Right, yeah. She smiled because she's locked in your apartment. Please don't hurt me. She's opening. Please don't touch that leg. You don't chop her up. Or her legs.
Starting point is 01:00:00 With a Vegemite 3000 or whatever they call it. Is that like he wanted a new set of legs? Yeah, yeah, he's looking at it. I just keep sawing off women's legs and sticking them back on his own. I'm getting dollar right the moment. Every day I get a little bit dollar. It takes me a couple of bunsters to recover.
Starting point is 01:00:20 I lose a lot of blood in the process. Gentlemen, when I go out. Oh, I can tell. I can. So now did you go to the beach? Well, he's sat. Oh, my gosh, the wound. Did you make it to the beach?
Starting point is 01:00:31 Yeah, they just said they did. Well, he sat on the couch. He fucked me, Chuck. He fucked me with all he had, Chuck. You ever, you ever been fucked so hard a filling comes out? That's how we did it. His mom and dad cheered us on. I answered questions on Jeopardy, as I always do. He licked my leg.
Starting point is 01:00:56 He licked my leg. Ah, you know, one pump, Chuck, Chuck. I'll tell you what. He can hold his own. Not a smoker, though. No, a smoker. He can smoke one cigarette. Well, I was there gentlemen through through Licked my legs from me laundry Fuck me in front of his parents
Starting point is 01:01:15 kept jeopardy on what we made love for the first time was an experience. I'll never forget never made it to be Never made it to the beach though. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh. And this, my friend, is why a million downloads. Yes. He's not surprising. This is classic TCB.
Starting point is 01:01:36 Yes, that you never went to the beach. Oh, we sure did. Oh, yes, it was. We did make it down to the beach. I had to clean up the evidence. Ha ha ha. I had to clean up the events I had to suppose the evidence chuck we killed my parents. They were bothering us. We buried him at the beach My dad's heavy I had to cut him into a couple pieces. You know I got a chuck
Starting point is 01:02:01 My dad's heavy. I had to cut him into a couple pieces. You know what I'm gonna do? It checks just so friendly. He's like, yeah, that's a guy who's wearing a pair. We'll be back in two, dude. That's like, yeah, let's figure out who the audience picked for you. You're probably down there a good hour and a half or so. And I did a lot of kissing, looked at the ways a little bit, not the whole bunch, but
Starting point is 01:02:22 more kissing than you're saying. And just went back. More kissing. You know the producers have told them not to take that story any further. Right. OK, we get it. You fucked.
Starting point is 01:02:31 But you know, kissing. Yeah, just kissing. Yeah, just kissing. Probably time audience just kissing. Yeah, that's all I want you to talk about. Come to my house. And we just ended real nice. I walked around.
Starting point is 01:02:39 First I asked her, I go, ended real nice. I finished down her back. Through a dirty dish towel and said, you want you to clean up while I take a shower. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm a gentleman, 32. lingerie, nipple tassels, licking legs.
Starting point is 01:02:58 Licking legs. Legs. And they'd pay for one drink at the bar. I've already scored. Staying for free with my parents. The waves are free. The waves are free. The waves are free. The beach is free. Well, I drink at the bar. I've already scored. Staying for free with my parents. The waves are free. The waves are free. The beach is free.
Starting point is 01:03:08 Well, I've got to go to the market. I already had to blink it. I had to blink it. Didn't want to get that all messed up. So I finished on her back and went about away. I told her to roll around on the sand for a few minutes. Get rid of that. Don't worry about it.
Starting point is 01:03:20 In the way. Go jump in that dark ocean. Go jump in that dark ocean and clean yourself off. I'll meet you back to the way. Go jump in that dark ocean. Go jump in that dark ocean and clean yourself off. I'll meet you back to the apartment. Well, you want to spend the night. She lives a whole three miles from. I figured it'd be a long drive. Three miles. I was I was just trying to be nice about it and she she declined And But your heart of hearts were you glad you declined? Yes, because I was I'm really I was real pleased of the way she was She's a very strong woman and I like that. She's really she had no problem getting the guys face How do you know I guess you figured that out
Starting point is 01:04:04 You better put your dick away Mark I know the 15 pressure points on a man and just gruntle sack is one of them. I would take that of their testicle out Mark See the audience Oh They picked that Southern accent I know 55% yeah well I can I can understand why I heard a little bit in a little bit okay I'll try her yeah I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll go I'll I'll go What was the dating thing so long so long What I Mean we had a great time in Atlanta. Yeah call me again, but they're gonna pay for a second I might as well try it's been on my money on you. I might as well sample the wares if you know what I mean
Starting point is 01:04:56 I think the record on this here's how it works if the audience chooses a different person So so you go I imagine you go to the studio or they send you a couple tapes. You have these three choices. You pick the person you wanna go on a date with or you let the audience choose. If you pick the date and then at the end of the date the audience chooses someone different, you can then go on a date with that person.
Starting point is 01:05:18 And they'll pay for it and you come back and you talk about it. I think the record is five. I think someone has been on their five times. To where they chose to not go on the birthday already did. Yeah, or they had a bad date. And then they do. Then they take you up on it.
Starting point is 01:05:33 Yeah, take you up on it. And then after five times. I remember the bad date. Yeah, but there are bad dates. And maybe we'll review those in a future episode. Yes. Because that seemed to be funny. I didn't think I was going to be all on funny.
Starting point is 01:05:43 But it actually ended up being pretty funny. So sometimes you just find someone who gets on there and you start working with it. Yeah, some of able to be all on funny, but I actually ended up being pretty funny, so Sometimes you just don't get on there and you start working with it. Yeah, some of the things you think are funny or Duds and then some of the things you think are duds are funny. Yep, so all right. Well Listen, I had a great time here today. Oh my gosh. I laughed. We've cried Congratulations on a million downloads. I'll get you a I'll get you some Panies I got that. Well don't worry, next time I stop by Victoria's Secret, my legs are just gonna walk me right in there.
Starting point is 01:06:09 Uh, remember go to tcbpodcast.com, please do that. Follow like, subscribe, rate, review, all that stuff on your favorite podcasting platform. It really does help us out. It does. And we certainly would appreciate it. I know a lot of you have already done this, but I would ignore you.
Starting point is 01:06:25 Do it again or if you haven't done it yet, I know that it just takes a few minutes out of your day and it really helps us. I wanna thank all of our sponsors for TCB. If you can buy their products and services because that also helps us out. And if you want your collectible TCB sticker, we've just got a few left of the first edition
Starting point is 01:06:44 to find out how you get that sticker and where you get that sticker. Go to TCBpodcast.com and click on the button that says, get me my sticker. That's pretty easy. Yes. I want to thank one's more, C-S-A chips, project, pollo, and moon cheese
Starting point is 01:06:58 for providing snacks for the studios. Okay, that's it. That's all I can do today. What else do we need to do? I think that's it. Okay, so I'll say this. I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we must say bye. The commercial break, new episodes on Tuesdays and now Fridays. New YouTube clips drop daily at youtube.com.
Starting point is 01:07:25 Slash the commercial break. Visit tcbpodcast.com for access to our entire media library. Follow us at the commercial break on Instagram. Each episode is written and produced by Brian Green, co-hosted by Chrissy Holtley, with additional content provided by Tina Kano. You

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