The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Happy Birthday Jeff Bezos!

Episode Date: January 12, 2025

A look back at space traveling billionaire Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, and the headlines he’s made over the years. Desi Lydic narrates a Dailyshowography of Jeff’s dorky roots as History’s Most Powerful Nerd. Trevor Noah and Desi Lydic investigate the news and rumors surrounding Bezos’s divorce. A look at how Saudi Arabia hacked his phone to leak nudes. Plus Trevor breaks down Bezos stepping down as CEO amidst an Amazon labor dispute.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. America has always been home to titans of industry, but only one capitalist in history has ever been this much of a dork. I'm Jeff Bezos. I'm the founder of Amazon.com. This is the Daily Showography of Jeff Bezos, history's most powerful nerd. Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Jeff's identity asserted itself early. I was a very nerdy and good student. I liked school.

His favorite place in the world was Radio Shack, where he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China, and underpaying workers. After graduating from high school as valedictorian, Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds. Socially, I was a little awkward. I didn't really date much until like my last year of college. Actually, I set up sort of a formal plan to date. I had all my friends set me up on blind dates. None of them worked out very well.

Yes. Despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe. After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money, his future ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott. She would later tell Vogue magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall in love with him.

Hey, sometimes love is blind and deaf. It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the world was changing. I came across the startling statistic that web usage was growing at 2300% a year. So I decided I would try and find a business plan that made sense in the context of that growth and I picked books as the first best product to sell online. With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a garage to work from, an MC And I picked books as the first best product to sell online. With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a garage to work from, and MC Hammer khakis, Bezos launched his empire. Within a few years, Amazon went from online bookseller to Wall Street darling to the so-called

everything store. Third party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website, from stuff to put in your butt, to stuff you shouldn't put in your butt, but will anyway because you're not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm. And while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in the world, My watch updates itself from the atomic clock 36 times a day, if that gives you any indication. He was driving Amazon into the future, a future of nonstop growth. How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into a life-size Oscar statue? By using his big nerdy brain

to devise the perfect growth plan to expand his business and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed a net worth of $200 billion, money that he's used to make the world a better place. Sure, he spent some of it on a super yacht that has its own yacht and the world's fastest jet and like a shit ton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric bear skeleton and some gigantic clock that only ticks once a year. But he also gave back. Jeff Bezos paid zero federal income taxes for two years. Maybe not

to his country, but he has given nearly 1.5% of his net worth to charity. And while he didn't share much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has gone before. Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because of Amazon's stringent quotas. Keep them too busy to go to the bathroom. You know what they say. Teach a man to fish he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss in a bottle while he eats his fish? He only has to take a two-minute lunch break.

Jeff's plan was working perfectly. But there was one thing his plan didn't take into account. That all his success would go to his head. The National Enquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez led to the end of his marriage. With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was most important to him in all the world.

$38 billion. Jeff had hit rock bottom. He had literally showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce back by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket-powered dick and riding it to the cosmos. bigger, shinier, rocket-powered dick and riding it to the cosmos. Tonight, mission accomplished. Jeff Bezos launches into space in the first unpiloted,

fully civilian, sub-urban flight. Yes, Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shipped himself into the stars. Bezos had finally done it. He finally made space travel seem uncool. I also want to thank every Amazon employee and every Amazon customer, because you guys paid for all this. And now, the world knows the real Jeff Bezos,

as well as Jeff Bezos knows himself. I always worked really hard. I was nerdy. You were nerdy. I was nerdy. That hasn't changed, by the way. Ha-ha-ha. -♪ The Daily Show theme music plays. -♪ -♪ The Daily Show theme music plays. -♪ Let's take a moment to get into business

and talk about Amazon. They're the reason you were able to do all of your holiday shopping without wearing pants. That shit doesn't fly at Best Buy. Trust me, I've tried. And now Amazon is finding new ways to keep you coming back. Amazon is sending shoppers free samples

curated to their taste as part of the company's push into advertising. Axios reporting, products free of charge that you may like are gonna show up on your doorstep, and it's all based on your purchase history on the website. Okay. I like the idea, but how's Amazon gonna send you a sample of something? I mean, I get how that would work with like food or shampoo,

but Amazon sells everything. Am I gonna send you like half a TV? The handle of a coffee mug? Just the tip of a dildo? You're like, if you enjoyed this sample, you'll love the shaft. Just the tip of a dildo? They're like, if you enjoyed this sample, you'll love the shaft. But free samples aren't the biggest story

about Amazon today, because just this morning, Jeff Bezos, Amazon's CEO and the winner of capitalism, announced that he and his wife, Mackenzie, are getting divorced. Now, we joke a lot about Amazon, but it is sad to see any relationship not work out. Uh, thankfully, it does sound amicable, and we wish both of them the best,

because at the end of the day, we're all people here. We know how it feels to go through a tough breakup. I don't think there's a joke about that. Unless you are a financial analyst at CNBC, then there is something funny, you know? Because you-you watch these people who are trying to talk about human emotions on air for the very first time.

Jeff Bezos tweets a few moments ago that he's getting divorced. Yeah, that was somewhat surprising. Yeah, Mackenzie Bezos will become one of the richest people in the world. Unclear what and where her interests may lie in terms of that. Listen, you know, I don't care

if you're the richest guy in the world or not, getting divorced is never fun, I'm sure. You know, it's the craziest thing to tweet this. It is, I don't know what else to say other than the fact that he didn't need to do it. The man tweeted it, you didn't need to. A lot of times you kinda don't really kinda talk about it. Kinda, you know, I mean it, kind of, you know?

I mean, kind of, I mean, you know what I mean? Kind of. Yeah, right? Yeah, right? Yeah, right? Yeah, right? Yeah, right? It's like, wow, business Louis C. K. over there

didn't do well with that information. Yeah, emotional news is not his strong suit. I'm glad he's on CNBC and not working as a veterinarian. You know, it'd just be like, so you're a cat, he kinda, you know, his thyroid and then his kidney, kinda, which for felines, I don't know, but anyway, here's his ashes, you know what I mean. For more on the Bezos divorce,

I'm joined by our financial analyst, Desi Lydic, everybody. (*audience cheering*) by our financial analyst Desi Lydic, everybody. -♪ Yeah! -♪ Yeah! Desi. As, um... as awkward as CNBC's divorce therapists are, you-you can't deny that there is a huge financial aspect to this story. Oh, yeah. Now, that's true, Trevor. This is a huge deal.

Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world, and under Washington state law, he has to split everything he's earned during their marriage. 50-50. McKenzie Bezos will get $66 billion. Yeah. This is the biggest transfer of wealth since Warren Buffett left his debit card

at a McDonald's drive-thru. $66 billion? I can't imagine having that much money, let alone losing that much money. Yeah, and you're really rich, Trevor. I mean, there was a whole week where you just paid us to speak for you. No, but, look, Jeff Bezos will be fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't worry about Jeff Bezos, okay? He'll be fine. He'll... he's still gonna have $66 billion. I mean, he's not gonna be one. He's still gonna have $66 billion. I mean, he's not gonna be one of those divorced dads eating SpaghettiOs over the sink of his studio apartment. He'll be eating SpaghettiOs over the Mediterranean

from the third story of his yacht. Oh, which reminds me, this story is brought to you by SpaghettiOs. SpaghettiOs. Divorce is hard, but so is boiling pasta. Actually, Desi, some of us like Spaghetti-Os. Divorce is hard, but so is boiling pasta. Actually, Desi, some of us like spaghetti-Os for the flavor and the shapes, you know, but whatever. So you think this divorce settlement is fair?

Oh, yeah, no, definitely. A marriage is a partnership. Mackenzie Bezos spent 25 years helping her husband grow his business and grow his swagger. I mean, look at that. He went from pleated pants salesman to jacked up arms dealer, am I right? Yeah, it's totally fair.

Look, but that chapter is now closed, okay? It's over now. And this next phase is crucial. You have a wealthy person navigating a painful time in their lives, unsure about what to do next. And here's where I cannot stress this enough. It is so important to get married again right away.

Find some... someone blonde who will take care of you, you know, like a... like a city gal who also feels at home on your private island. You know, someone who will divorce my husband at the drop of a hat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, Desi, Desi, come on, this is weird. What?

Could you just come on the show to pitch yourself as a spouse for Jeff Bezos? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? No, how dare you, Trevor? No, I am pitching myself as a spouse for Mackenzie Bezos. Look, yeah. This woman... This woman is beautiful.

She's an accomplished author. She studied under Toni Morrison at Princeton. And now she's worth $66 billion. Oh, is she? Right. Yes. No, yes. Now she is worth $66 billion. I mean, you said she's a whole package. Mackenzie, call me.

I can be on a plane tomorrow or today if you use Prime. The future Mrs. Mackenzie Bezos. Desi Lydic, everyone. -♪ The Future Mrs. Mackenzie Bezos. -♪ Jeff Bezos. Two months ago, the Amazon CEO and shaved muppet revealed that his nude photos had been leaked to the National Enquirer.

That's right. They somehow got pictures of his Amazon package. And now the big surprise is how they may have gotten them. This morning, an explosive new claim that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was targeted in an alleged phone hacking scheme conducted by Saudi Arabia. Bezos launched his own private investigation in an effort to determine who leaked the intimate text messages and racy photos published in a bombshell national inquirer story about the billionaire's extramarital affair with girlfriend Lauren Sanchez. Our investigators and several experts concluded with high confidence that the Saudis had access to Bezos' phone

and gained private information. Okay, I give up. If the world's biggest tech CEO can get his phone hacked, the rest of us don't stand a chance. Yeah, I'm serious. I'm just gonna go ahead and send my dick pics to Saudi Arabia right now. Save them the trouble. They're probably like, Yeah, I'm serious. I'm just gonna go ahead and send my dick pics to Saudi Arabia right now. Save them the trouble. They probably like, no Trevor, we don't want to see you.

Ah, too late, too late. Shh, you got them all. The third one's my favorites. But seriously though, like you would think that Jeff Bezos would be impossible to hack. But I guess at the same time it is Jeff Bezos, which means you can probably get into his face ID using any thumb.

But all right, let's move on. Amazon, it's the reason you stayed up until 3 a.m. reading reviews of paper clips. Yesterday, founder and evil doorknob Jeff Bezos announced that he'll be stepping down as CEO to become the company's executive chair where he'll dedicate his time to things like philanthropy and space travel.

And can I just say, you know you're rich when you're like, I'm retiring to spend more time with other planets. Although if we're honest, he's not exactly retiring, right? Jeff Bezos says he's transitioning to the role of executive chair. Now, I don't know exactly what an executive chair is, but I looked it up on Google and it looks like this.

And I guess that's just a perk of being a billionaire. You can get plastic surgery to look like a chair and still have money to go to space. I mean, whatever makes you happy, man. What? Oh, it's like, it's a position. I mean, whatever makes you happy, man. What? Or it's like, it's a position. Either way, I just wanted to say congratulations to Jeff Bezos.

I mean, what he created is a testament to the power of innovation and the simple dream of destroying bookstores. Now, in case you're worried, Jeff Bezos will be fine without having a steady income. I mean, sure, he's no longer the richest person in the world after being passed by future Batman villain Elon Musk,

but he's still worth $184.6 billion. And he made that money the way any billionaire does. Hard work, smart investments, and mugging delivery guys. And other Amazon news, the e-commerce giant agreed to pay nearly $ million dollars to settle charges It skimmed tips for delivery drivers The Federal Trade Commission says Amazon began pocketing some tips from customers to drivers between 2016 and 2019 The FTC says the e-commerce giant assured drivers who were part of the Amazon flex program that they were still receiving all of their tips

No, I'm sorry guys, no. How rich do you have to be, huh? Amazon is worth a trillion dollars, trillion dollars. And still it's sneaking tips away from its drivers. Like, nah man, no tip from that house either. I know it's crazy, right? But Amazon can get away with this because they're not a real person.

You see, if a real person got caught at a bar stealing tips from the table, there'd be a fight. Maybe that's actually what needs to happen. You know, if a company does something that would get a person's ass beat, then that company has to pick an executive to get his ass beat.

Yeah, that way there'd be at least somebody at Amazon who would have said, no guys, guys, guys, we're not stealing tips. I can't get thrown through another window, guys. So just appoint someone like that, you know? You can even give him a made up title, like executive chair. Wait, so it's a real thing.

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