The Daily Stoic - We Can Find The Gift In It | Reduce Wants, Increase Happiness

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

We wrote an email over at Daily Dad (please subscribe if you haven’t!) recently which notes Robert F. Kennedy’s troubled childhood in the troubled Kennedy household. His family mourned the loss of his older brother. They put their hopes in his brother John. They fretted about his sister. His father thought that Bobby had little potential, that he wasn’t everything a young Kennedy should be, so the boy, as one Kennedy aide observed, was “overlooked.”That was unfair. It must have been painful. Yet Kennedy’s biographer, Evan Thomas, would write that this turned out to be a gift, arguing that he “had been saved by neglect.” Because it meant Bobby didn’t have to deal with all the pressure. It let him develop at his own pace. It also allowed him to develop a conscience and an ability to empathize that most of the rest of the family lacked.When we look at the life of Marcus Aurelius (if you want a biography try Lives of the Stoics or How To Think Like a Roman Emperor), we can see a similar pattern. His early days as a boy were defined by loss. His father, Verus, died when he was just three.If you want to do more reading on these topics, we highly recommend Dying Everyday by James Romm (and we have a podcast with him on this topic). Empire of Pain by Patrick Radden Keefe is a great modern read on one of the biggest crimes of the 20th/21st centuries. And for more on the life of Seneca and Thrasea and some Stoics who did resist Nero, check out Lives of the Stoics (signed copies here).✉️ Sign up for the Daily Stoic email: https://dailystoic.com/dailyemail🏛 Check out the Daily Stoic Store for Stoic inspired products, signed books, and more.📱 Follow us: Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, FacebookSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast. Each day we bring you a meditation inspired by the ancient Stoics, illustrated with stories from history, current events, and literature to help you be better at what you do. And at the beginning of the week, we try to do a deeper dive, setting a kind of Stoic intention for the week, something to meditate on, something to think on, something to leave you with, to journal about, something to leave you with, to journal about whatever it is you happen to be doing. So let's get into it.

We can find the gift in it. If you're one of those kids who didn't get everything you need from your parents, and let's face it, pretty much everyone is, this is probably something you carry with you. Maybe you're angry or sad, wounded or resentful. You wonder what could have been, who you could be, if they'd been around more, or been more patient or loving or understood you. And while there is no doubt that this experience was tragic,

perhaps there's another way of looking at it. We wrote an email over at Daily Dad recently which notes Robert F. Kennedy's troubled childhood in the troubled Kennedy household. His family mourned the loss of his older brother. They put their hopes in his brother, John. They fretted about his troubled sister. His father thought that Bobby had little potential, that he wasn't everything that young Kennedy should be, so the boy, as one Kennedy aide observed, was overlooked. That wasn't fair, it must have been painful. And yet Kennedy's biographer, Evan Thomas, would write that this turned out to be a gift,

arguing that he had been saved by neglect. Because it meant that Bobby didn't have to deal with all the pressure. It let him develop at his own pace. It also allowed him to develop a conscience and an ability to empathize that most of the family lacked. When we look at the life of Marcus Aurelius, we can see a similar pattern. His early days as a boy were defined by loss. His father, Varys, died when he was just three. And yet without being cursed by this tragedy, Marcus wouldn't have been as close with his mother,

whom he writes so glowingly about. We know that for certain without it, he would not have received the great gift that was his adopted stepfather, Antoninus. Marcus came to see him as his biographer, Ernest Renan, would write, as the most beautiful model of a perfect life. And all his adult life, Marcus really strived to be a disciple of Antoninus. And as a result, he himself became a beautiful model of a perfect life. And all his adult life, Marcus Rihlis strived to be a disciple of Antoninus.

And as a result, he himself became a beautiful model of a perfect life. It was also from this tragedy that Marcus Rihlis got the gift of his stepbrother Lucius Ferris, from whom Marcus would write, his own character was so improved. What we go through in life, the knocks we take, the losses we experience, they aren't

fun. If we had a choice, we may choose for them not to have it. But still we have no idea how they are preparing us, shaping us, even saving us. All we can do is try to find meaning, find lessons, find the opportunities in these moments, however tragic and painful they may be in the moment. social, motivational, occupational, and financial. You can listen to Audible on your daily walks. You can listen to my audio books on your daily walks. And still, this is the key. I have a whole chapter on walking, on walking meditations, on getting outside.

And it's one of the things I do when I'm walking. Audible offers a wealth of well-being titles to help you get closer to your best life and the best you. Discover stories to inspire sounds to soothe and voices that can change your life. Wherever you are on your well-being journey, Audible is there for you. Explore bestsellers, new releases, and exclusive originals. Listen now on Audible.

Reduce wants. Increase happiness. The Stoics knew that wanting less increases gratitude just as wanting more obliterates it. Epictetus focused much of his teachings on helping his students reduce this destructive habit of wanting more. In it he saw the key to a happy life and to relationships. By practicing the art of wanting less and being grateful

for the portion that we already have before us. We are hopping off the so-called hedonic treadmill and taking a real step on the path to a life of real contentment. That's what we're journaling about this week in the Daily Stoic Journal. That's where this little meditation comes from. We've got three quotes from Epictetus. He says, Remember to conduct yourself in life as if at a banquet. As something is being passed around and comes to you, reach your hand out and take only a moderate helping. Does it pass you by? Don't stop it. It hasn't yet come. Don't burn in desire for it, but wait until it arrives in front of you. Act this way with children, espouse towards position, with wealth. One day it will make you worthy of a banquet with the gods." That's Epictetus' in Churidion. When children stick their hand down a narrow, goody jar, they can't get

their full fist out and start crying. Drop a few treats and you will get it out. Curve your desire. Don't set your heart on so many things, and you will get what you need. That's Epictetus' Discourses 3.9. Freedom isn't secured by filling up your heart's desire, but by removing your desire. Epictetus' Discourses. It's not that the Stoics didn't like stuff. I mean, they did. They enjoyed life. But they also knew that there is such thing as too much of a good thing. And they tried to enjoy what they had while they had it, but also not be dependent on it. And also more importantly, not desire and achieve

and acquire so much that it becomes its own burden. I think that's something we miss, for instance, even about the Epicureans. Like we think the Epicureans were these sort of pleasure lovers and to a sense they were. But it was the simple pleasures. It was the right amount that brought them pleasure, and too much becomes not only not a pleasure, but a punishment.

There's a joke I like. Someone attended one of Aristotle's dinners, and they said, Aristotle, you know what I love about your dinners? I don't regret them the following morning. So this idea of moderation is so essential. And it's the key to happiness. The right amount, I remember Steve, my editor and collaborator on The Day of Stoke, The Day of Stoke Journal, said to me once, he said, moderation in all things and some things not at all. And I thought that was beautifully expressed. And that's kind of how I try to live my life. Seneca probably took it too far in one direction.

Maybe Epictetus took it too far in the other direction. And maybe Marcus Aurelius is right there in the Aristotelian mean enough, but not too much. There's two beautiful metaphors there from Epictetus that I think are worth pausing on. He talks about the kid sticking their hand in the candy jar. They get too much. If they could let some of it go, they could get it. But since they can't let it go, they get none of it. That's a beautiful image. But this other one that we're life at a banquet, and I don't know about you, but whenever I'm at a buffet or a banquet, I tend to eat too much. And then it's unhappy. It's unpleasurable. As Aristotle said, you regret it the next day.

But if you can find a way to enjoy it, that the food is not really the point, the food is extra, the point is the conversation, the company, the experience, and to take too much, to take more than your share, to be distracted, oh, that's coming over here, I want seconds of this. This is to take yourself out of the present moment, and in a sense, it ultimately ends up sort of punishing you, and it takes the fun and the joy out of it. So moderation in all things, he's being explicit, this banquet thing is a metaphor, he says, act this way with children, a spouse, towards position, with wealth, and one day it will make you worthy of a banquet with the gods. The less you need, the less you want, the freer you are, the happier you are, and the more you enjoy what you do have.

That idea of enough, that idea of the right amount is key. That's what I'd love for you guys to spend some time thinking about this week. What is enough? Do you have it? Do you really need what you think you need? Do you just want it? What would happen if you actually got it?

Would it really fulfill the desire the way you think it would? Maybe not. Be well, be moderate. Talk soon. Hey Prime members, you can listen to the Daily Stoic early and add free on Amazon Music, download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. The fight for humanity is far from over.

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