The Daily Stoic - You Have To Be Able To Deal With This | A Little Better Every Day

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Emotions are a part of being human. They’re a part of us. They’re hardwired in. So it’s a mistake to think that Stoicism is about the suppression or elimination of this—how would that be part of “living in accordance with nature?”In her wonderful book about parenting, Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy reminds parents that it’s impossible to simply remove your children’s uncomfortable feelings. You can’t—just as your parents couldn’t—tell them to stuff them down. You can’t gaslight them into thinking they aren’t there. You can’t make life so wonderful and fun that they’re never sad or angry or jealous or frustrated.----In today's Daily Stoic Journal reading, Ryan explores the Stoic idea of bettering oneself with small steps every day by reflecting on quotes from Seneca, Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius.✉️ Sign up for the Daily Stoic email: https://dailystoic.com/dailyemail🏛 Check out the Daily Stoic Store for Stoic inspired products, signed books, and more.📱 Follow us: Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, FacebookSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I remember very specifically I rented an Airbnb in Santa Barbara. I was driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I just sold my first book and I've been working on it and I just needed a break. I needed to get away and I needed to have some quiet time to write. And that was one of the first Airbnb's I ever started with. And then when the book came out and did well, I bought my first house. I would rent that house out during South by Southwest and F1 and other events in Austin. Maybe you've been in a similar place. You've stayed in an Airbnb and you thought to yourself, this actually seems pretty doable.

Maybe my place could be an Airbnb. You could rent a spare bedroom. You could rent your whole place when you're away. Maybe you're planning a ski getaway this winter or you're planning on going somewhere warmer. While you're away, you could Airbnb your home and make some extra money towards the trip. Whether you use the extra money to cover some bills or for something a little more fun,

your home could be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca. Hi, I'm Anna. And I'm Emily. We're the hosts of Wanderies podcast Terribly Famous, a show where we bring you outrageous true stories about our most famous celebrities. Our latest season is all about the catwalk queen Naomi Campbell. For years, Naomi had to fight to be treated fairly in an industry that was overwhelmingly

white. That drive saw her break down barriers and reached the pinnacle of high fashion, but it also got her into some dangerous situations when it spilled over into an anger she couldn't control. In our new season, Naomi Campbell's model behaviour, we tell the story of how a young girl from South London became a trailblazing black icon but had some very public falls of how she stood up to the British tabloids and won and the lengths she had to go to to be the first black woman in history to make the cover

of French Vogue. But she risks losing it all when her explosive behavior lands her in court. Follow Terribly Famous wherever you listen to podcasts or listen early and add free on Wondery Plus on Apple Podcasts or the Wondery App. Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast. Each day we bring you a meditation inspired by the ancient Stoics, illustrated with stories from history, current events, and literature to help you be better at what you do. And at the beginning of the week, we try to do a deeper dive, setting a kind of Stoic intention for the week, something to meditate on, something to think on, something to leave you with to journal about whatever it is you happen to be doing.

So let's get into it. You have to be able to deal with this. Emotions are a part of being human. They're a part of us. They're hardwired in. So, it's a mistake to think that stoicism is about the suppression or the elimination of this. How would that be part of living in accordance with nature?

In her wonderful book about parenting, Good Inside, which I've raved about a lot, I know, but it's that good and she has a great episode on the podcast, Dr. Becky Kennedy reminds parents that it's impossible to simply remove your children's uncomfortable feelings. You can't just as your parents couldn't tell them to stuff it down. You can't gaslight them into thinking that the emotions aren't there. You can't make life so wonderful and fun that they're never sad or angry or jealous or frustrated. And the same goes for us as adults. We have to learn how to process and deal with our emotions, responsibly, maturely,

especially painful and distressing emotions. Adults whose childhood were focused mainly on happiness, Dr. Becky writes, were not only unprepared for tough moments, but they experienced more discomfort in those tough moments because deep down they think that they're doing something wrong if they can't find the happy and get themselves to a better place.

We've talked before about Seneca's consolation essays where he works his family and friends through the awful grief they're experiencing. It's important that we understand that this is how a stoic must deal with strong emotions period. Not stuffing it down, not masking it with smiles. We don't seek our pleasure to counterbalance it. In fact, the more you do those things, the harder time you will have in the future,

if even more serious and distressing things happen. If you haven't listened to Dr. Becky's episode on the podcast, you should, it was fantastic. And you should check out her book, Good Insight. A little better every day. This is week four in the Daily Stoic Journal. The Stoics saw their lives as works in progress. They didn't believe they were born perfect, but they believed that with work and dedication,

they could get a little better every day. There is real delight in this progress, as Epictetus quoted by Way of Socrates. Marcus Aurelius avidly pursued his own education and improvement, eagerly looking for advice for mentors and historical examples. Well, let's follow that example this week and see how you get a little better as each day passes. We must keep constant watch over ourselves and, as Seneca phrased it, put each day up for review. Looking back on our day helps us to better understand where we may have fallen short and gives us tangible feedback for how to improve and grow. Only what you measure and record can be monitored. Only what you put up for reflection

can be learned from. And our first quote is from Seneca's moral letters. I will keep constant watch over myself and most usefully will put each day up for review. For this is what makes us evil that none of us looks back upon our own lives. We reflect upon only that which we are about to do, and yet our plans for the future descend from the past. Marcus Aurelius from Rusticus, he said,

I learned from rusticus to read carefully and to not be satisfied with a rough understanding of the whole and not to agree too quickly with those who have a lot to say about something. And then Epictetus says, But what does Socrates say? Just as one delights in improving his farm and another his horse. So I delight in attending to my own improvement day to day. This is epictetus. This discourse is three five. As I think about the decade and a half now I've spent studying Stoicism, I sometimes marvel at like who I was when these ideas first hit me and how far I've come. Some ways I look at how not far I've come and how I'm still find myself making the same mistakes over and over again, which Marcus remarks about in meditations. He goes,

you look, you're still an old man and yet here you are, you're afraid of death, you're losing your temper, you're prizing the wrong things. But the truth is he had come very, very far and I feel like I have come far, not perfect, I'm not where I want to be, but I can't deny that I have made progress. And so that's what stoicism is, it's progress. What does that progress look like? Well, one of my favorite observations from Senaka says, how do I know I'm making progress as a stoic?

He says, I'm a better friend to myself. Are you? Right? I don't know when you first came into understanding these ideas, what you first read, but it's wonderful in those moments where you catch yourself and go, this really would have rocked me before.

This really would have sent me off before. I really wouldn't have caught myself before. I think about this even with my marriage, with my wife. Like just things we were talking about something the other night and it's like, yeah, we've been together for 15 odd years and we're just coming around to realizing that when you do this, I do this or that I do this. And so on the one hand it's like, man, things would have been easier if we figured this

out earlier. And yet it's also wonderful that we're figuring it out now. And the time it's gonna save us and the frustrations it's gonna save us and the heartache it's gonna save us. Right? You delight in your improvement day to day. You make little bits of progress. We have a TikTok that I posted about this,

but one of the most interesting things I read about Tom Brady is that it's not that Tom Brady is obsessed with winning. People think that's what it is. He's obsessed with getting better. And that's how you get great. It can be a curse, certainly, right? It can be taken too far. If you only look at what you can do better, if you only look at where you fell short, if Seneca's sort of putting yourself up for the review every day becomes a kind of torture. You know, that's not the idea. The idea is that we push ourselves to get better.

We notice where we've made improvement. I interviewed Michael Dell on the podcast, I guess this was last year. And he had this great acronym. He says, pleased but never satisfied. That's how the company celebrates the success it's had, how he celebrates the success he's had or the improvements he's had, how he celebrates the

success he's had, or the improvements he's made. But that doesn't mean you rest on your laurels. That doesn't mean you call it. You're always trying to get better. And the person who focuses on where you can get better, who is pleased but not satisfied, that's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's how we get better. That's how we push ourselves. That's the idea. So if you think of stoicism then as a day-to-day journey, a week-to-week journey, a year-to-year journey, right? It's not a magical transformation.

It's something you work, as they say in sobriety circles. It works if you work it. The idea is if you work it, if you make small improvements, if you try to apply them here and now, a little bit every day, it adds up. Well-being is realized by small steps, Zeno said, but it's no small thing. So the little tweaks, little breakthroughs, little conversations, all the things that have happened for me over the years, they're not major. Not any one of them is probably worth writing home about. That's why I don't tend to put myself in the books, but cumulatively, you know, it's changed the course, the bearings, the direction of my life in a really, really

big way. And I know that's true for lots of you. And here we are at the beginning of the year. Let's set out to make some small improvements day to day over the next 12 months and think about who you would be if you made a 1% improvement every day for the next year, every week for the next year, every month for the next year, every year for the rest of your life. Right? That adds up. It adds up. Small steps, but it's no small thing. That's the message from the Daily Stoic Journal, which of course you can pick up everywhere,

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