The Daily Stoic - You’re Afraid of Death Because of This? | 12 Stoic Rules For Life

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

By thinking, by imagining that we’ve just been given a few months to live, we too can see immediately what we should stop doing. We realize we don’t have any more time to waste.🎙️ Listen to David Kessler’s FULL interview with Ryan on the Daily Stoic | Apple Podcasts & Spotify📚 Grab signed copies of Finding Meaning and the Finding Meaning Workbook by David Kessler at The Painted Porch https://www.thepaintedporch.com/ ⏳ Get your own Memento Mori reminder | https://store.dailystoic.com/✉️ Want Stoic wisdom delivered to your inbox daily? Sign up for the FREE Daily Stoic email at https://dailystoic.com/dailyemail🏛 Get Stoic inspired books, medallions, and prints to remember these lessons at the Daily Stoic Store: https://store.dailystoic.com/📱 Follow us: Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, TikTok, and FacebookSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to the daily Stoic early and ad free right now. Just join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. We've got a bit of a commute now with the kids and their new school. And so one of the things we've been doing as a family is listening to audiobooks in the car. Instead of having that be dead time, we want to use it to have a live time. We really want to help their imagination soar. And listening to Audible helps you do precisely that. Whether you listen to short stories,

self-development, fantasy, expert advice, really any genre that you love, maybe you're into stoicism. And there's some books there that I might recommend by this one guy named Ryan. Audible has the best selection of audio books without exception and exclusive Audible originals all in one easy app.

And as an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. By the way, you can grab Right Thing right now on Audible. You can sign up right now for a free 30-day Audible trial and try your first audiobook for free. You'll get Right Thing right now totally for free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. Welcome to the Daily Stoic Podcast, where each day we read a passage of ancient wisdom designed to help you in your everyday life. On Tuesdays, we take a closer look at these stoic ideas, how we can apply them in our actual lives. Thanks for listening. And I hope you enjoy. You're afraid of death because of this?

It isn't that life is short, Seneca reminds us, it's that we waste so much of it. We squander time arguing with strangers online and answering emails that we could just as easily delete. We stay stuck in jobs we hate to chase status symbols and things we don't even want. Or even just how we hide parts of ourselves because we're worried about how we'll come across, too weird, too rude, too much. Or we do activities we don't enjoy

just to fit in with others. Marcus Aurelius, frustrated with some obnoxious thing that was consuming his days, once asked himself, you're afraid of death because you won't be able to do this anymore? That's the power of memento mori, the clarity it offers. By keeping death close, it reminds us of what actually matters in life.

David Kessler, a grief and loss expert who spent thousands of hours with people on death story, he recently told us on the Daily Stoic podcast, it's one of the most moving episodes I've ever done. I think you should really listen to it. He said, this is what stands out to him about dying. Said, everything we worry about day to day, you just don't worry about in the end.

He shared a story with us of someone at home enjoying the company of friends and family in the last chapter of their life. The person was asked if they wanted to go see their friend's new car, which was parked outside. And he said- I've been at homes and someone comes over and says, do you want to, to the person who's in the last chapter of their life, do you want to see my new car?

And they're like, no, no. How ridiculous was that concept all of a sudden? You know, you just realize, oh, everything that we thought was going to make us and become us and what we identify means nothing, means nothing. And it's the people, it's the love, it's everything else. Again, this is the insight that Memento Mori provides us. By thinking, by imagining that we've just given a few months to live, we can immediately see

what we would stop doing, what we wouldn't care about. We'll realize that we won't have any more time to waste. And before you know it, there is this urgent, emergent need to do the things we love and place it in the things that we don't, to spend time with the people we love, instead of wasting it on those we don't. And this is the positive side of memento mori. What would I stop doing? Not simply what would I stop doing, but rather what would I start doing? How would I spend the limited time I had left?

Where could I find meaning and purpose and joy? Whatever that is, do more of it today because you are mortal, because what matters is people, it's love. Everything else is basically beside the point. And while Halloween is a playful time of year here in America, full of tricks and treats and skeletons, it's also an opportunity to practice momentum warrior, a reminder to treat our time as a gift, to realize that we will someday be like those ghosts and skeletons. We've got a bunch of cool reminders, embodiments of this in the Daily Stokes store. I'll link to that in today's show notes. My favorite is the Momentum Ori pendant.

It's a necklace. You've probably seen me wearing it. My wife wears one every day. It's handcrafted here in New York City and it's got the tulip, the skull, the hourglass on it. And on the back it says, live accordingly, right? Momentum Ori, live accordingly. I think it's very powerful.

And so is David's interview. Definitely listen to that. It's super powerful and so is David's interview. Definitely listen to that. It's super powerful and have a good Halloween. ["The Last Supper"] Life without design, Seneca says, is erratic. Basically, if we don't have rules, if we don't have practices that we're trying to abide by, standards we're holding ourselves to.

We're just kind of winging it, and this is where we get ourselves into trouble. Meanwhile, when we have clear black and white rules, when we have standards, well then it makes our decisions, it makes our lives, it makes our days much easier. So that's what I wanna talk about in today's episode. I wanna give you 12 stoic rules for life.

A stoic rule for life is that you have to own the morning. One of the most relatable passages in Mark Sturlus' meditations is him struggling with precisely this rule. He's woken up, it's before dawn, it's cold, and he doesn't wanna get up. And he says, you know, but is this what you were put here to do, to huddle under the blankets and stay warm?

No, of course not. We have responsibilities, we have obligations, we have potential, we want to go realize that. So a stoic gets up early, they rise to meet the morning because we're lucky to have the morning. One of the flip sides of the stoic memento-morning practice is if you went to bed thinking, hey, this is the end of my life, it's over.

When you wake up in the morning, you're like, this is extra, how awesome is this? And you're excited to get up and get after it. We can win the morning by getting up early, by not getting sucked into our phone, by not getting sucked into what other people want from us, but by being intentional, by being proactive, spending some time with a journal,

going for a walk, doing deep work, focusing on the most important task, concentrate on what's before you like a Roman, Marx really tells him elsewhere in meditations. So if we win the morning, you've already won a good chunk of the day. And remember, if we win the day, then well, that's awesome because our life is made up of days. Another stoic rule for life is to focus on what's in our control. Epitetus says this is like the most basic job of the philosopher. There's some stuff that's up to us. There's some stuff that's not up to us. And if you don't know the difference, you're lost.

And we have to understand we have a finite amount of energy. And so if we focus on things that are not up to us, what other people say, what other people do, what's already happened, what may happen in the distant future, what we're neglecting is what's right here in front of us, what is up to us. Not a lot is up to us, but our opinions are up to us, our emotions are up to us, our actions are up to us. What we do about what has happened is up to us. And so this idea of mastering the dichotomy of control, mastering what was laid down in the serenity prayer, having the courage to change the things

that we can, the wisdom to accept the things that we cannot change is a critical stoic rule. I focus on what's up to me. I leave what's not up to me to other people. I leave the mistakes to other people. I leave judgments to other people. I leave the worry and anxiety to other people. I'm gonna focus on what's up to me. I'm gonna do what I can do here. Another stoic rule for life is to be present, to not suffer from imagined trouble. So think about anxiety, think about worry,

think about fears. What we're doing is thinking about things that are not in our control, thinking about things that haven't happened yet. Seneca says, he who suffers before it is necessary suffers more than it's necessary. He says, we suffer more in our imaginations than in reality. It's a bad use of our creativity to run our minds over this terrible thing that's going to happen. And now when that happens, and we're going to have to do this, and then this is going to happen, and then this, and all of a sudden we've catastrophized ourselves into an alternate reality that's never happened

before, that probably will not happen. And you know what we've done? We've neglected the thing that is in our control. So look, of course, the stoics are realistic. They do think about the things that could happen, but in so far as to come up with a plan for how they would respond to that, and then they move on. They come back to being present. What's in my control right now? What can I do? Right? They're proactive, but they're not irrational, and they don't torture themselves.

Another important Stoke rule is to just do one thing every day. Seneca writing to his friend, Lucilius, says, look, let's try to acquire one thing every day. Seneca writing to his friend Lucilius says, look, let's try to acquire one thing every day. He says something that will fortify us against poverty, against death, or any other kinds of misfortune, like a quote, a story, an idea, an anecdote. And this is what he and his friend, Lucilius, are doing in their letters back and forth. He goes, here's the thing I promised you. And he's excited to get the thing from Lucilius. So again, the path to wisdom isn't like these amazing epiphanies, this huge breakthrough. It's also not something you do one time. It's a day to day thing. So if you see philosophy as a thing that you do, that you're acquiring one new thing, one new understanding, you're reading one passage,

one quote, one page, one essay, if you think of it as this ongoing process, that's what stoicism is as a philosophy. So think about my rule is, I try to find one stoic insight every day, that's kind of what daily stoic was built around, then you're gonna be making a lot of progress. Now, related to this rule is another really important stoic rule.

It's actually also expressed in the motto of the Boy Scouts, to do one good turn every day. We have to understand that Stoicism is not this selfish, self-absorbed philosophy. It was a philosophy of virtue. It was a philosophy of doing the right thing. And so how can you think about going through your life? How can you set a rule or an intention for yourself? Do you try to do one helpful thing every day? You do one kind thing every day. You do a generous thing every day. You do something decent. And these can be big things or small things, but let's understand that virtue, that justice specifically as one of the virtues, is a verb and not a noun. It's a thing you are doing. So Stoke

tries to do the right thing, not generally, but tries to do the right thing specifically. In this situation, in that situation. How am I going to treat this person? What's the choice that I'm going to make? How am I going to respond to this? Not what can I get away with? Not what's the minimum, but what's something good I can do here? A stoic tries to go through the day doing good things. Seneca said, we have to remember that every person we meet is an opportunity for kindness. Think about it this way. The people you meet are an opportunity to do the right thing, to do a good thing, to do a kind thing.

Another stoic rule is actually, I think, best phrased as a question. Mark Shrevely said, we have to ask ourselves in everything we do and say and think, is this essential? And he says, because the problem is most of what we do and say and think is not essential. But when we eliminate the inessential, we get the double benefit of doing essential things better. Maybe this rule is best expressed. Do only the essential things.

Get rid of the extraneous, right? Simplify. Ask yourself, am I doing this because other people are doing it? Am I doing it because I've always done it or am I doing it because it's important? Am I doing it because it matters? Am I doing it because it's important? Am I doing it because it matters? Am I doing it because it moves me forward? Am I doing it because it's a good thing to do for myself or for other people? And if it's not, eliminate. No is such a powerful word. No, I'm not going to do that. No, I'm not interested. No, thank you. We have to say no because when we say yes to things because we don't want

to be rude to someone, we are in fact being rude to ourselves, to our family, to our other obligations. When we say no, we are also saying yes to the things that are essential and important. Mark Stuart says, if you want more times, you want more tranquility, you're going to have to eliminate the inessential things and only do the essential things. And we can imagine if you're the emperor of Rome, how important this was. There was an unlimited amount of requests and impositions on his time. If he was not disciplined, if he did not say no, he would never get the important things done. A critical stoic rule is to speak with the dead. Now, what does that mean?

I know that's a little confusing. When Zeno was a young man, he went and he visited the Oracle at Delphi. And the Oracle said, you will become wise when you begin to have conversations with the dead. Now we had no idea what this meant until he ended up in a bookstore many years later having washed up and lost everything. And in this book story, here's the man reading a passage from Socrates. And this is when Zeno, who was living

not long after Socrates had died, that Zeno finally understood the prophecy that reading was a way to have conversations with the dead. That's what philosophy was. This is why they call the western canon the great conversation. So basically what I'm saying is you should be reading every day, not reading the news, not reading social media, not reading the comments on this YouTube video, but reading every day. Are you lingering on the works of the master thinkers, as Seneca said? Are you pouring over the great texts? This is where we can find that one thing a day, right? But you should be reading every day, taking a little quiet time, having a little stillness, you're away from your screens, you're away from the noise of the world, and you're reading.

You can put yourself in the same room as Socrates or Zeno or Seneca or Lincoln or Shakespeare. You can talk to these people. You can be inspired by Cato or his daughter, Portia Cato. This is a wonderful thing. As Seneca said, books allow us to annex into our age all the ages of the past. It's a way to draw on the wisdom from the people who came before us. And this has to be a stoic rule of life. Another stoic rule is that we are tough on ourselves, but tolerant for others.

Now you might think with one of the stoic virtues being discipline, the stoics are tough on other people, but it's important to remember that they're talking about self-discipline. This is why Mark Schreiber says, remember, tolerant with others, strict with yourself. He's saying, look, I can hold myself to high standards because that's in my control.

Can he hold his troublesome stepbrother, Lucius Verus, his co-emperor, to the same standards? No, he cannot. Because again, remember, it's called self-discipline. Remembering that other people make mistakes, other people are not as educated as you, other people don't have the advantages that you have, other people don't understand stoicism the way you do.

So to be tough on them, to be judgmental to them, to write them off is to make a mistake. Mark Schuyler says, you gotta remember, we're all meant to work together. He said, we can't blame them, we can't let them implicate us in their low standards or their problems, we can't blame them. We can't let them implicate us in their low standards or their problems. We can't let them drag us down.

But we also can't write them off or exclude them. You still have to have boundaries again. You still have to maintain your standards, but you want to be tolerant and forgiving of other people. And look, remember, we are pretty tolerant with ourselves too. When we mess up, when we make a mistake, we understand our reasons.

We understand that it doesn't say that much about us as a person. Now let's make sure we're extending that same courtesy to other people. Come up with an explanation that allows you to have hope and faith in them. Come up with an explanation that allows you to understand and empathize with them. Come up with an explanation that allows you to be compassionate and understanding of them. Another stoic rule is that we make beautiful choices. Epictetus says, if you want to be beautiful, make beautiful choices. He would have been familiar with an idea

from Musonius Rufus, his teacher. His teacher says, look, if you do something in pursuit of pleasure, the pleasure passes quickly, but the shame remains. He says, but when you do something hard in pursuit of virtue, when you do something difficult, or when you exert self-discipline, he says, but when you do something hard in pursuit of virtue, when you do something difficult or when you exert self-discipline, he says, the work expires quickly,

but the pride remains. And so as we think about the choices that we have to make in the course of the day, are we making the hard right choices? Are we making the beautiful choice? The famous choice at the founding of Stoicism is known as the choice of Hercules. Hercules comes to a crossroads

and he has to choose between virtue and vice, the easy way and the hard way. Hercules would not choice of Hercules. Hercules comes to a crossroads and he has to choose between virtue and vice, the easy way and the hard way. Hercules would not have become Hercules if he'd chosen the easier path. So as you are deciding between getting up and hitting the snooze button and rolling over, right? Which choice are you gonna make? Are you choosing between the kind thing

or the unkind thing? Are you choosing beautifully or not? Are you choosing between going for the run or sitting on the couch, beautiful or not beautiful? Are you choosing beautifully or not? Are you choosing between going for the run or sitting on the couch beautiful or not beautiful? Are you choosing on being forgiving and understanding? Or are you choosing between being strict and harsh and unfair? We make beautiful choices and we are beautiful.

A great stoic rule is to listen more than you speak. Zeno said, look, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. And we have all sorts of great quotes from the Stoics about saying, you know, look, it's better to trip with your feet than your tongue. Or as you're about to talk to ask yourself, hey, is this better left unset? The discipline and the wisdom to shut up is a very powerful one.

There's a story about an ancient Spartan who's sitting there at this dinner, everyone's talking, everyone's talking, he's just sitting there. And finally someone says, hey, why haven't you spoken? Are you stupid? And he says, if I was stupid, I wouldn't have been able to be quiet this whole time.

And so if we understand that we're here to learn, that we're always studying and reading and trying to absorb knowledge as opposed to vomiting it out, we're gonna get better. One of the laws in the 48 laws of power is always say less than necessary. We regret what we say much more often than we regret what we didn't say. And so focusing on putting your ego aside, not needing to prove how smart you are, not

needing to fill the awkward silence, but be willing to listen, be willing to hear, to absorb. That's how we find the one thing a day. If we are always talking and producing and yammering, we're gonna miss all the lessons that are out there. So stoic tries to cultivate humility, tries to cultivate an openness and awareness, and this is an essential part of the stoic practice.

The most important stoic rule is to remember that everything is an opportunity, to turn every obstacle into an opportunity. In Mark Shrevely's famous passage, he says, the impediment to action advances action, what stands in the way becomes the way. He says that, doesn't matter what happens to us, we always have the ability to accommodate, adjust, adapt.

It's not always that every situation is gonna be a chance to make more money or to be more successful, but we always have a chance to practice virtue, right? We always have a chance to make beautiful choices. Even ugly situations. In fact, you could argue that the upside of ugly situations is the opportunity to make a beautiful choice. Someone hurt you, you didn't choose it, it's not what you wanted, it's a chance for you to choose forgiveness, let's say. You've been discriminated against, you've been held back, you can make the choice to

persevere, to push through. And also the beautiful choice, the virtuous choice, not to become ridden with grievances, or resentment, or anger. So the Stoics say that we don't control what happens, right? We control how we respond to what happens. We control what we make of the situations that life finds us in.

We turn it into account, we use it all as fuel. He says, just like what you throw on top of a fire becomes fuel for the fire, so too with the obstacles and difficulties of life. So a stoic isn't just kind of resigned and passive, a stoic is active. Everything you throw at them makes them become greater, because they're making beautiful choices,

because they're doing good things for the world, because they're being present, right? They're able to convert and adapt all the circumstances of life to their own advantage and benefit. The final and most important Stoic rule and Stoic practice is this idea of memento mori. The Stoics say, look, you don't die once at the end of your life. In fact, you are dying every day. You're dying every minute. As time passes, it is dead to you and gone forever. The reason we have to be present, why we can't worry about what's already happened or worried about what will happen is that what's in front of us is the only thing that we have for sure. You could leave life right now, Marx really said, let that determine what you do and say and think, right? That's why this is a stoic rule.

Focus on this thing in front of you as if it matters, as if it's the last thing that you can do. Don't tell yourself it doesn't matter. Don't tell yourself that you get a second chance, that you can do it again later. Don't tell yourself you'll do it tomorrow because you don't know that that's happening. And as we wind down our lives, right?

As we wind down our day, we say to ourselves, hey, that was it, I lived a full life today. And so when we wake up in the morning, if we are so lucky, we're excited, we rise to meet the dawn, we wanna get after it. Cause this is a second chance, this is bonus time. We're playing with house money now. Let's use it, let's make the most of it,

let's make beautiful choices, let's be, as Mark really said, the person that philosophy tried to make us. And that's what these rules are for. They're to help you become what you're capable of being, help you do what only you are capable of doing. Every day I send out one stoic inspired email to hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.

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