The Daily - The Year in Wisdom

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

To end the year, Melissa Kirsch, The New York Times’s deputy editor of Culture and Lifestyle, talks with Times reporters, editors and columnists whose jobs involve thinking about how we live, and how we might live better.First, she speaks with Philip Galanes, who writes the Social Q’s column, on what makes good advice. Then, Jancee Dunn, a reporter on the Well desk, shares some of the most useful tips she has gleaned this year. Finally, Daniel Jones, who has edited the Modern Love column for more than 20 years, reflects on the lessons he has learned about love.And we hear from listeners about the best advice they received this year.Guest: Melissa Kirsch, the deputy editor of Culture and Lifestyle for The New York Times.Philip Galanes, the Social Q’s columnist for The New York Times.Jancee Dunn, the Well newsletter columnist for The New York Times.Daniel Jones, the senior editor of Modern Love for The New York Times.Background reading: Seven Ways to Love BetterFor more information on today’s episode, visit nytimes.com/thedaily. Transcripts of each episode will be made available by the next workday. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Hey, it's Michael. For our final episode of 2024, guest host Melissa Kirsch is back talking with some of our Times colleagues about the year's best advice for living well. I think this one's really special. Take a listen. From the New York Times, this is The Daily. I'm Melissa Kirsch, Deputy Editor of Culture and Lifestyle. 2024 is coming to a close.

This is traditionally a time of reflection when we look back on the year that was and look ahead to the year to come. So I'm talking with three of my colleagues whose jobs, in part, are to think about how we live and to think about how we can all live better. Today, the Year in Wisdom. It's Tuesday, December 31st. Philip Galanis, welcome. Hi, Melissa. How are you?

Good. How are you doing? I'm just terrific. It's the last day of the welcome. Hi, Melissa. How are you? Good. How are you doing? I'm just terrific. It's the last day of the year. Yes, it is. So, Philippe, for the past 16 years, you've been writing an advice column for The Times called Social Cues.

Every week, you answer questions from readers on a pretty wide array of subjects. Give me a sense of that range. Well, there's a ton about money. There is a lot about parenting and a lot about marriage, pets, your family's finances, the way your parents divide the money between siblings, the way your siblings treat you at Thanksgiving, the way your boss speaks to you in meetings. I can't think of a human relationship that I have not gotten a question about.

It's everything. Mm-hmm. And so it seems like you need to be an expert on everything. Oh, but that is where you are wrong. You really don't need to be an expert about anything, and I am standing here as living proof of it. I really think it is not telling people helping to guide them to what might be the best outcome that we both can envision for them.

Are there qualities that all good advice has in common? What makes advice good advice. The mark of really great advice is listening so closely that you're almost the same person with the person who is asking for the advice. In my experience, the best way to do it is not to think, what should I do, but really listening to Melissa telling me about her situation and thinking, Melissa and I have this problem. We share it now. What's the most helpful thing I can say to her to help her march toward a solution that's going to work for her. Because, you know, the other thing about advice is, the thing that works for me may well not work for you. It really is about rethinking the idea that we have inside of us the right answer.

We just need you to hear it. Really, you know the right answer. We just need you to hear it. Really, you know the right answer. And the best advice that I can give is one that makes you hear what you know already is the right answer. Mm-hmm. Just sort of turning up the anyone unless I hear them asking me for it. Because often, you end up hurting people's feelings inadvertently because they hear, you're doing this wrong. So I am going to tell you how to do it right. And that's about as unproductive as it gets. So it's New Year's Eve. This is the time of year when people are making resolutions, deciding

how they're going to be better next year. Do you have thoughts about New Year's resolutions? I do. I do. I think for the most part, if we had the imaginations to come up with resolutions that weren't so crushingly banal, getting our steps in, going to the gym more, eating fewer carbs, I mean, things that are joyless and punishing. Punishing, self-punishing. Yeah, very puritanical. The most common one that I hear is about diet. Punishing, self-punishing. Yeah, very puritanical. The most common one that I hear is about diet.

So if you eat 10 crappy cookies, rather than saying, let's reduce those cookies to zero, let's instead find the best cookie you can possibly find at the best bakery. Let's do the legwork. Let's find the cookie that is really going to turn you on and eat two of those in a week. And if we can just do, if we, I think if we could incorporate some more joy into our resolutions and less drudge, then they would, you know, the gyms wouldn't all be ghost towns on January 15th. You know, if our resolution was, I want to find somebody whom I will love to talk to on the treadmill for 30 minutes at the gym three times a week,

and you make the project finding that person, that's a fun resolution. You're deepening a friendship or finding somebody out of thin air. That's a good one, but it's not about the stupid steps. It's about finding the joy in whatever we need to do in order to make ourselves, I don't know, thinner, prettier, whatever silly thing we decide we need to be, which is generally not what we need anyway. Mm-hmm.

That is good advice. This is why you are the authority. Any advice for humanity for 2025? Let's make 2025 the year of listening. Less talking, more listening. I think it really pays off and it also pays dividends. And I'm going to try to listen more. Thank you so much for talking with me, Philip. Oh, thank you for having me in. pays dividends and I'm going to try to listen more. Thank you so much for talking with me, Philip.

Oh, thank you for having me in. It was really fun. My colleague Jancy Dunn writes a weekly column about wellness. She consults doctors and researchers and other experts on topics like how to sleep better, how to apologize like you mean it, and perfect timing for anyone who's traveling for the holidays, how to avoid getting sick on a flight. She's here with me today to share some of the most useful

things she's learned this year. Hi, Jancy. Hi, Melissa. Okay, so I asked you to look back on your year-end reporting. I'm very excited to hear what you found. What have you got? So the first one is, if you're feeling lonely, try reaching out to a mentor from your past. A mentor from your past, like someone who has given you guidance, like in a previous job or when you were a child? Yes, like somebody who has helped you in your life and maybe they don't even know how much

they helped you. It can be a coach, a teacher, a neighbor. So if they're still around, contact them and tell them how they've helped you and you may reestablish that connection. You already have that shared past. And I have done this with my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Manley. She's in her 90s. And my parents had given me a box of crap. You know when they're cleaning out their house and they say to you like, here's your box of crap, I'm not keeping this anymore? Oh, yes.

My fourth grade report card was in there. And Mrs. Manley had said, Oh, I think Jancy can write. She may grow up and be a writer someday. She called it. So I wrote her a letter and I basically just kind of thanked her for encouraging me because when you get encouragement like that, it put in my head, Oh, wait, could I be a writer? Is that even a job? I didn't know. And so I told her all that and I said, you really shaped the course of my life. She did. And now I'm a writer and I thank you and you are a wonderful teacher. And she wrote back immediately with this stationary with a puppy with a letter in its mouth. And now she's my surrogate grandmother.

You just don't know what can happen if you contact somebody. It can be really fulfilling. Is there some sort of wisdom there in like reaching out to someone who knew you so long ago, like they know the essential you? Yes, precisely. There's a shorthand there. There's a comfort there. And the person that you are now may also connect with the person that they are now. And it's just, especially when you get older, she's in her 90s, I'm in my 50s, we're kind of the same age in a weird way, like, you know. You're both adults. We're both adults.

And so we have a lot more in common than we did when I was a fourth grader and she was my teacher. Okay, what's next? Okay, next we have, don't chew ice ever. Don't chew ice ever. Don't chew ice ever. Okay, as someone who very rarely chews ice, I'm going to guess that the reason why one should not chew ice ever

is because one may break a tooth. Is that correct? You have a dental background or how did you know that? No, I just have like a really good gut instinct about things having to do with teeth. I interviewed eight dentists and the majority of them, I think six out of eight, first thing out of their mouths. I said, what do you want people to know?

And they said, don't chew ice. It was overwhelmingly their number one tip. Chewing ice is notorious for causing, as you mentioned, small chips in your tooth enamel, the outer layer of your tooth. And these chips can develop into larger cracks that may require treatments like root canals, crowns, even surgical removal of the tooth. There's a terrifying phrase, right? And this all comes from chewing ice, which so many people do. Okay, what else do you have? This is about decluttering, always a hit in the early part of the year.

Let go of that dusty box or bag of mystery chargers and cords. We all have it. Oh my god, I feel seen. Let it out. How so? That bag is the most ridiculous bag of cords. Do you ever subtract from the bag? That's what a couple of the experts said to me. Or do you just add to it? Does it just get bigger and bigger? Well, I always think like, well, I'm going to need these things or someone's going to

need a cord. You know, I don't want to be caught without a cord. Yes. So it's cords, it's chargers, it's remote controls from the Clinton administration. It's a bag of obsolete technology. Yes. And we have no idea what any of those cords are for, but we are very, very afraid to throw them out. So I should just throw this bag away. Okay. Well, first, separate everything into piles and think of all the things in

your house that have cords or chargers. Go through and try them. If they don't work, it's likely that they don't. I don't want to be presumptuous. Then it's time to drop them off at a place that accepts electronic waste. Nice. Okay, what's next? Okay, I loved this one. It's, if you're feeling cynical, take 15 minutes and collect moments of moral beauty. Moral beauty. Okay, tell me what moral beauty is.

That is a concept that was created by a researcher named Docker Keltner, and he wrote a book called Awe. It's basically, you know, if you're losing faith in people, the world, politics, whatever, he says to take 15 minutes out of your day and pay attention to the moments of kindness all around you. I mean, it can be the tiniest moment. It can be when you're at a store and you see two people sort of joking around in the checkout line. Or when you are in traffic and somebody waves you in and you get that little rush of pleasure like, oh, thanks, and you hold up your hand, you know, you're like, ah. There's a lot of that out there if you pay attention. And you really only need about 15 minutes and you can collect 10 things. And they kind of reset you and remind you that a lot of people are good.

I think that I walk around a lot like a cop looking for social infractions, just like the tiny ways in which people are being rude to one another. And my antennae are always up for that. And so that idea of resetting and reorienting myself, looking for those moments of beauty or where people are being kind and not paying so much attention to these tiny injustices, that seems like a really worthy pursuit.

Yes, even this morning when I was walking to work and I was in Penn Station and someone ahead of me had held the door open with their elbow so they don't get germs, you know, but it's an awkward thing to stick your elbow out like that for somebody and I thought, it's nice. I do it without even thinking about it now, kind of record those moments. Thank you so much. This is really great. My pleasure. And happy new year. Happy new year to you. Happy New Year to you. We're going to take a little break, and when we return, lessons from 20 years of The Times' Modern Love column.

Twenty years ago, Daniel Jones helped create The Times' Modern Love column. Every week, Modern Love publishes personal essays on love in all its forms, not just romantic love, but love between parents and children, siblings, love between friends, love that's lost or unrequited. Dan has read thousands of these love stories, and today he's here to tell us what he's learned. Hi, Dan. Hi, Melissa, good to be here. So Dan, I imagine over all the years of doing this work,

your perspective on love has probably changed. How has this work changed the way you think about love? I get asked that a lot and I think about it a lot. And I think mostly I've seen in essays, but ones that seem, you know, that are sort of successful in terms of what happens in them and not, is there's kind of a dividing line between people who continue to open their hearts and those who shut down. And one is the path to happiness and one is the path to unhappiness and regret. And it's not always easy when something ends or when you suffer a real loss.

And to see people who continue to put themselves out there and say like, this is my one life, I'm going to make something of it. And yeah, I admire that and I feel like it's changed my life. You published a piece earlier this year about what you've learned from reading and editing all these love stories. One of the takeaways that stayed with me is the line, love is more like a basketball than a vase. Talk about that. Well that line comes from an essay by a writer named Thomas Hooven.

Actually, I call him a writer, but he's a doctor and was a medical resident. And he'd come from a difficult childhood. His fiance at the time had similarly come from a difficult childhood. And they found each other, and their relationship was kind of a refuge from their past family lives and their relationship was kind of a refuge from their past family lives and their childhoods.

And he, any kind of conflict they would have was like apocalyptically threatening to that. That love and his whole concept of love was peace. She perhaps sensing the fragility of that broke off their engagement just a few weeks before they were to get married. He was just not long before starting his medical residency. He went off to this medical residency just devastated, and how am I going to get through this?

It was lonely, but turned out to be a boot camp for him in what real love means and that real love involves conflict and disappointment and it has to be able to absorb and hold all of those feelings. It can't just be about peace and comfort. And during his residency, he learns that and comes out the other end of it, what he says as a more full human being and a better doctor and meets a woman where they are able to have a full relationship that he describes

as being more like a basketball than a vase. One is durable and can bounce and can take a beating and a vase is something that breaks the first time you drop it, but looks beautiful from the outside. It resonated so deeply with me because I felt so similarly to him in my life of wanting to avoid conflict, of feeling like love should not.

If you fight, that means you're not meant to be together. On the contrary, to be able to manage a fight and grow from it and know someone more deeply because of it is one of the main keys to sort of a durable and lasting relationship. COLLEEN O'BRIEN Looking back over the archive, so many of the stories that you publish are about love that doesn't last. They're about breakups, they're about one-night stands,

or they're about chance encounters with people that you never see again. It's about the loss of love or a very fleeting love more than it's about an enduring love. Right. I'd love to talk about what you take away from pieces like that. There's a popular conception that a relationship that ends is a failed relationship. And you know, every relationship can have its value. And to think of something as a failure because it ended, it's not fair and it's not wise

and it's not productive and it's not true. Right, maybe it's what movies and fairy tales maybe tell us about what a successful relationship looks like, right? Yeah, I mean, at one point I remember noticing, especially among young people, college students, sophisticated college students, they still referred to Disney movies as being their inspiration in a way

for what romantic love is, which all those movies end in a wedding, you know? Like a wedding is the achievement instead of the beginning of a deepening relationship. And that's part of that misconception, these sort of scripts that we seem to play in our lives or that we feel like we need to stick to. And it's not that, you know, it's the beginning of conflict, it's the beginning of something that is deeper. Mm-hmm.

My favorite modern love essays tend to be about tiny quiet moments instead of grand gestures. I'm thinking about essays like Learning to Measure Time in Love and Loss. Talk to me about that piece. Yeah, and this is an essay by a writer named Chris Huntington. He talks about this ritual with his son, where they also talk each day about the best moments and the worst moments of their day. One night, he's reading with his son and he's feeling distracted,

and probably checking his phone and just all of those things where you're not in the moment. He says, oh wait, we forgot to talk about our best moment and worst moment. What's the best moment of your day? And his son says, this is daddy, this is. I actually start to get teary just thinking about it. And when I read that, tears sort of sprung to my eyes

and I thought about my own experiences with my reading to my son and to my daughter and the distraction that I used to feel and what am I going to do tomorrow and what do I have to do for work? And just that reminder, that small moment of like, this is your life. These are the important moments of your life.

Be in them. [♪ soft music playing in background. Vibrant music playing. Well, thank you so much, Dan, for talking with me today. Thank you, Melissa. And happy New Year to you. Happy New Year to you. We're going to take a short break. And when we return, New York Times readers share the best advice they received this year. The best advice I've been given this year.

The best advice I've received this year. Best advice I got all year. The best piece of advice I got this year. My name is Zach Rosen. I'm from Detroit, Michigan, and I'm currently living in Amsterdam. The best piece of advice I got this year is from my friend Daniel Estrin, and the advice is this. When someone says thank you, just say you're welcome. This is not as easy as it seems. We usually say, oh no, thank you or no problem. But when we actually accept a thank you with a you're welcome,

I find it deeply satisfying for both parties. And I think it's just a really good practice to accept thanks from someone sincerely. Instead of trying harder, try softer. Best advice I got all year was from a Texan who said, Never crouch with spurs on. What other people think of you is none of your business. Surrender to the darkness.

You don't need to know how it's going to turn out. Hi, this is Dave Breshear in New Orleans, Louisiana. Best advice I got this year, I had to bury my wife after 40 years of marriage, and the bedroom has been very difficult. My therapist suggested bringing the dog into the bedroom. I'm allergic, so it had to be in his crate, but he's happier, and it's transformed my bedroom into a place I can feel comfortable. My best advice when helping somebody get through chemo was not one day at a time, but five minutes at a time. The smartest piece of advice I've gotten is that everything is temporary. And I hope that applies to the head

cult that I have right now. But mostly, I hope it applies to how I feel about what happened one day, which was my husband came downstairs at breakfast time and said, I owe you an apology. I've treated you badly. I've been seeing someone else and I love her and I want to be with her. And he got in his car and drove away. And I haven't seen him since. We've been married for 34 years. And I thought we were both happy,

but apparently only one of us was. So it turns out that even marriage is temporary, but I'm hoping that a whole lot of other things happen that couldn't have happened unless this bad thing happened. I'm Stan Perry in Houston, Texas. One piece of advice I received in 2024 and that I followed all year is each day keep a list of wins. I'm an attorney, so sometimes it's work-related, for example, ruling from a court that was significant for a lawsuit. Other times it's something that may not be that significant for my career, but is very significant on a personal level.

For example, my parents are in their 80s, and each time I talk to them, I consider it a win just to be able to hear their voice and talk to them. I consider it a win just to be able to hear their voice and talk to them. Hi, my name is Gina Luongo and I live in Toronto, Canada. The best piece of advice I got this year, quite simply, is when you put on your lipstick, use your finger to spread it over your lips. It gives a very fresh, natural, and pouty look. And it's what French women do, apparently. I can't believe it. I've lived over five decades and have never tried this before.

It has softened the look of my face while adding some much needed color. I love it. Who knew? My brother's advice, never pass up free food or drink. If you focus on the wound, you will continue to hurt, and if you focus on the lesson, you'll continue to grow. My name is Mel Foster and I live in West Bloomfield, Michigan. A recent client, Bernie, shared this advice. Never be afraid to enter into a new venture, but always be aware that you're going to pay a dumb

tax. You are going to try to figure out every possible roadblock that there is to your effort, but when you actually get into it and actually pursue it, you're going to find there are problems that you never foresaw and it's going to cost you money and that's your dumb tax. I had back trouble for most of the year. My physical therapist gave me some helpful exercises but the best advice was a simple slogan, motion is lotion. The more active I am, the less my back bothers me. Magic. My name is Len DiCessa. I live in Dresher, Pennsylvania.

Well, the best advice I received in 2024 was from my therapist. I was talking about issues I was having in my relationship with my wife, and he said to me, you can be the safe harbor or you can be the storm, but you cannot be both. And that really impacted me. Matter of fact, it's on my wall in my office. My best advice of the year is keep swimming. And that is from Finding Nemo.

My friend shared that with me after the tornado that Hurricane Milton set off in my area, and I got a direct hit. And then the insanity of the election time and now holidays. And so my new term is just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. My name is Tamara and I live in Edinburgh in Scotland. And the best piece of advice I've got this year, and maybe ever, is from my friend Helen,

who told me, don't borrow trouble. Annoyingly, I've shortened this to DBT. And DBT is all about not getting yourself in bits or knots or catastrophizing about things in the future that are outside of your control. outside your control. This is Nina Miller from Portland, Maine, reporting the most sage advice I received in 2024. It's pretty simple. Practice makes better. For me, as a professional French horn player in an orchestra, playing the horn is really

an imperfect instrument, yet we strive for perfection, which is unobtainable. So having the permission to know that practice makes better was extremely liberating for me and just changed the whole way I look at my life, my work, and the playing of my French horn. The best advice that I received this year was from my husband. We are an old couple who have decades of harmony and conflict between us. Whenever we are arguing, usually over something petty, like who left the light on or put a pink shirt in the white wash, he will remind me that we will die soon. We are at that age where our conversations are peppered with Seatica and weak knee stories and the next day is not guaranteed So when we have flare-ups, he reminds me of our mortality and the importance of appreciating every given moment

My husband and I became first time parents this year after quite a bout with infertility and had to go through several rounds of IVF. So this child was very much journey. And of course, people want to give parents, new parents tons of advice and so much of it is so kooky. You know, sleep when they sleep or you must have this toy or this developmental thing. But I think the best piece of advice we've received was raise the child you have not raised the child you want. My name is Nina Kalabin and I currently live in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, but I'm from New York State. This piece of advice that I received from my auntie, she wrote me in a card and I

want to directly quote this to make sure I get it right. Such chaos that we are living in now but nature continues in all of her glory and I just found it to be the most beautiful sentiment around, well, society and life can feel so challenging and bleak on the day to day that our natural world is what grounds us to a greater being. And it's something I'm profoundly grateful for and something that I want to carry with me. Today's episode was produced by Sarah Curtis with help from Kate Lopresti. It was edited by Wendy Doar with production support by Franny Kartoff and original music

by Diane Wong, Dan Powell, Alicia Baitup, Marion Lozano, and Sophia Landman. It was engineered by Daniel Ramirez. Special thanks to Sam Sipton, Lauren Manley, Ben Calhoun, Claire Tenesketter, Alexandra Lee Young, Alex Barron, Elissa Dudley, John White, Tina Antolini, Maddie Massiello, Nick Pittman, Kyle Grandillo, Mahima Chablani, Isabella Anderson, Jacob Meschke, Paula Schuman, and Sam Dolnik. That's it for The Daily. I'm Melissa Kirsch. Michael and Sabrina will be back

on Thursday after the holiday. Happy New Year!