The Dick Show - Episode 144 - Dick on War Porn

Episode Date: March 5, 2019

Good news/bad news from Asterios, acquiring Maddox's debt, terrible line reads and the Fox cartoon that never sold, dogpiles and dog cuddles, #WomensHistoryMonth, the story of the Trump selfie, life in Iraq, the war on porn in war, The MtG lightning round, Irish Pubs, comforters getting jammed in their comforter sleeves, writing the great American video game, YIIK: A Post-Modern PRG, and Erik Wong falls asleep; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Okay, what was I gonna do? Alex Jones is 45. Oh wow Sean. Wow, he's he's only have five years in your life to do as much as Alex Jones has done in his life. What gain 300 pounds? I'll work on it. Yeah, to bring down the globalists

and the interdimensional pedophiles. Ah, interdimensional pedophiles. Ah, interdimensional pedophiles. You didn't know about that. I love it. He's like one step from Zeno. No, Horseshoe theory. You're at the other end. Oh, right.

Well, but see, that's the thing. People don't realize that people on like the opposite ends of the spectrum, it's not a line. It's not a line. It's a horseshoe. They eventually come the same fucking people. You get the ends of the spectrum, it's not a line. It's not a line. It's a horseshoe. They eventually come the same fucking people. You get the left and the right extreme and they come so fucking crazy. They start crossing.

No, it is just a big pile of shit. It's not a string. Horsehoe. It's not a horseshoe. It's just a big pile of shit. And we're all in it. All the pieces of the shit are touching each other. And at any moment, you could go from whatever you think

to the most authoritarian, whatever in the world. Depending on what scares you. Yeah. That's actually a good pile of shit. It's like my, for real shit theory. Not horseshoe theory. Oh, you know, both extremes on both sides are bad, no. They are all, because they are all bad.

Everybody on the entire spectrum is bad. That's my grand unifying horse shit theory that I kind of stole from quantum leap. Yeah, but some of the horse shit is at least touching the ground. It's only surrounded by horse shit on three sides. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because that's like saying when people say gravity works because there's like a sheet of rubber

and heavier objects dent density of rubber, that is a terrible analogy because it relies on the existence of gravity. Not a, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess you're describing the relative nature of it but that is not giving me more information that is not giving anyone new information about gravity by pretending that it's just a visualization.

Bigger shit has stronger gravity. Got it. Well, but you have to imagine that it's just a visualization. Bigger shit has stronger gravity. Got it. Well, but you have to imagine that it's a rubber thing. No one has ever needed that. Yeah, I guess. I forget why. Oh, yeah, because there's no ground. It's all shit. We're flooding our shit.

It's a lot of shit. Yeah. All right. I see how the show is going to be today. Oh Okay, let me start because this is gold Have you met encountered an interdimensional pedophile? You never know not today. We're gonna delve Into the delve into it with Melvin was delve in with Melvin. Can you prove there are not interdimensional pedophiles? If no, you said no, you might be an interdimensional pedophile. Yeah. You ready?

Get on the Madcast Media Network. What? I don't think I've ever stopped. Hold on. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to day. You want to give you out of it? Is that y'all or everything is a contest? Come to you live from the deep in the heart of the city of Philever.

I'm a mountain bucket deep in the heart of the city of Philever. I'm here with Stick Magician. Okay, the $20 million man recently voted America's best Mexican. I forgot to do the formula. 25 weeks running. Yeah, I think so. 25 weeks running. So that means the episode number minus of 19. What's the minus of 19 and 145? No, 120. Let me get your coaster for that, but it's gonna make noise every time you put it down.

Maybe one night you got a minus 25, don't you? Oh no wait, 25 weeks running. This is episode 145. That means a minus of minus. This 145, that was 144. 144, you're right, never mind. Okay, bad start, bad start. Joining me is always Sean the audio engineer. Hello, Dave. Hey, what's up buddy, how's it going? Going all right.

Oh God, not going all right for me. No? No, I think I'm getting liquor leprosy. Look at my face. Should I fall off or? Let's mark up, I'm getting liquor lesions liquor lesions gin blossoms Is it oh that is what they are? It's a well. It's yeah, it's when they burst blood vessels like in your nose Oh god now. It's not funny WC field who oh it's cuz now it's funny again. Yeah, well it's because you know you the liquor

It you feel warm because all the little capillary so it super charges you with masculinity. Yeah, so it blows It's out of your blood vessels. I know this works It's too too sexy to stay on the vessel. I knew it was gonna happen though We did the we did the grand pricks last night. What time you guys get out of there and one or something Oh, yeah, I was I was it worked. I'll 1230 really yeah for real like a sucker like a like a sucker You didn't show up the wage gap got you everybody was making fun of you. Yeah Wage gap got me so many people came up to me. It's the only reason I came to meet Sean. Oh great. Make me feel even worse. He's not here. Yeah.

Sorry. I think we were out there to like one or one thirty. Same place. Play in magic. Yeah. I like that place. We took over. There was a batch. There was a wedding reception there. We messed that up. There was another game night There were the all had name tags and shit. We messed up there as soon as you see name tags It's like they're not gonna be able to handle this crowd a big winner of the night my conch shell with us in the Not Mike yet or big winner of the night 80s girl would you get second third or set you got third? Fuck she's she's pretty you're good at it nice or is I Got I don't know distant, but magic is magic is like a game of skill, right?

I mean, it's yeah, it's a bit luck bit. Yeah, but you can't yeah, you can't entirely dumb luck your way and no Into a tournament when you win it is skill when you lose it mostly luck right pretty much entirely luck when you lose That's kind of it's how most things are I find out I you know entirely luck when you lose that's kind of that's how most things are I find out I you know Speaking of speaking of bad speaking of good luck. I don't know where that's going We got we've got Australia coming up Sydney is sold out Remarkably Sydney is already sold out. So if you're in the Sydney area and you waited to get tickets That was your bad you're gonna have to fly out to Melbourney. Damn. And see us there. We still got I was able to get a much That was your bad. You're going to have to fly out to Melbourne. Damn. And see us there. I was able to get a much larger venue in Melbourne.

So we still have tickets there. I don't think that's going to sell out. Look at this crowd coming in. Yeah, here's Eric Wong coming in. Oh, yeah. I thought he looked at the magic, the boss of magic. We've got a lot of people coming in today. It's going to be a passion. Eric, I'm going to need you to explain magic to me again on the air. On the air? In great detail.

I will do my best. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He took me aside. He's like, I'll do it. Okay, this guy's clearly an idiot and he knows nothing about magic. He has to, I'm going to have to give him like a 25 minute dissertation for him to look at me blankly and nod my head as if I understand this. Yeah. And then at some point, at some point when you were getting your magic lecture from

Eric Glass' time, I thought, I hope that John just makes up his own game. I'm not creative enough. You know, be careful you don't get in the way that I can scoot over a little bit if you guys can. I'm going to say Dick's gin blossoms and all his glory. You know, be careful you don't get in the way. I can scoot over a little bit if you guys can. We'll be sure to. Okay, Dix, gin blossoms and all this glory. Gin, I don't want them to be called that. Yeah, I know, isn't that terrible?

Liquid lesions, that's better. Liquid lesions is way better. Liquid lesions. Gin, that's an antiquated term. Plus, it reminds me of the gin blossoms. That's brilliant. Yeah, why would you be banned? Yeah.

I don't want that to be on my face. Yeah. What did they do? What was their hit? Hey, jealousy. Oh, yeah. I don't want. I'm gonna stop.

I'm gonna give up drinking. Just knowing that. Well, you know, everybody's got a hit rock bottom. Everybody's got a different bottom, you know? Jen Blossoms are it for you. Ah, let's see here. I found this is good news. I found, this is good news. I have several points of good news.

I found the cartoon that Maddox and I sold to Fox seven years ago. You found the animatics? I found everything. Oh wow. And I knew I had the cartoon. I always knew I had the cartoon. I'll tell the next bonus episode which we're gonna have to do this week.

Those things I never got, there was never finished animation on those, were there? Totally finished. Whoa! Entirely finished. I haven't seen that. Oh yeah, it's then it's gonna be fun for you. We sold a cartoon to Fox.

We made a series of shorts that was, it was ultimately a very stupid idea in execution. Like it sounds like a good idea. When I explain it, making a short cartoon to then pitch the cartoon to network executives. As I say, as I say that, you think, oh yeah, that's probably a good idea, right? That's like a pilot. However, it's not. It's a clip.

And because you have no relationship with the characters, it's just kind of a crappy clip. No, I've wanted to do that. Yeah. It's like this weird uncanny valley. It turned out to be a weird uncanny valley between a script, which you can read and form opinions on a description, which like you're used to seeing a summary of a thing. I understand. This was like a weird in between where it's a series of two to three minute

animated clips of a cartoon that doesn't exist. Yeah, um, so I have wanted to show those for a long time and tell the story because there's there's some funny parts to it. But the best part is And I didn't think I had this audio. I found on an old hard drive that... Oh, but I know what you found. Yes, I found the lines. You found the signs? No, what's wrong? The song?

What's wrong? I am the greatest. I found that. I found with him singing it. Yes, I found all of Maddox's original lines that he recorded. And in the studio while he's recording, the motherfucker cannot read his own lines. You've got the raw takes.

You got the raw takes, all like 50 of them. Oh my God. Do you know like reading, speaking of raw takes and actors totally naked not not paired up with anything just Like and and like clearing is like getting ready like getting ready like a child like it hyping up. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go Do you to today junior? I it's so I I started listening to it And then I shut the computer and like a reverse yeah, Marcellus Wallace's soul.

Like oh god. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I gotta take it. I gotta go beat it off. I can't contain myself. Yeah, this can't be contained. Ah, it's crazy. I mean, it's probably embarrassing and stuff, but the stuff that if recording, if recording facilities, like the one I work at around town released everything that an actor said in the booth,

there would be people killing each other. No one would have a job. Like you wouldn't believe what gets said in there when the tape is rolling. Because it's inappropriate. Stories told about famous actors that I mean, just like crazy. And it's just, you know, you don't fucking, you don't release any of that shit, it's, but it all exists.

I have it all. And it's not, I don't think it's anything that he said that's weird. It's just that the takes are so shitty. And I have the, so it was so bad. I'll just, I'll tell this part. Okay. Because obviously I want to sell the episode. The bonus episode, bad. I'll just, I'll tell this part. Okay. Because obviously I want to sell the episode.

Um, the bonus episode, that's why I'm hyping it up. And this is commentary, of course. We're, it's a screening and we're providing commentary. That's the context under which I'm airing these, um, these cartoons. You understand that, right? That's a lawyer I do. Yeah.

Um, it's the, as, as Maddox got in there to do it, we were both doing our characters that were based on us in the show. His was literally named Maddox. You guys didn't record together? No, we recorded one at a time. Oh, okay. Well, I thought it'd be better to record together, too. It works both ways, but if you guys aren't used to, you might step on each other's lines.

If you can add lib a little bit, you know, so a lot of it was like arguing too. So why aren't we recording this to get like two people are arguing, isn't it going to be weird to chop it up and like try to create an argument out of, but whatever, whatever, whatever it is, it is what it was. While he was in there recording and doing his lines, they have that button and it's always off because so they can't hear you. He was in there recording and doing his lines. They have that button and it's always off because so they can't hear you. So the talk talent, the talent in the booth. So Matt just isn't the booth and we're all out in the sound area of me, the director. That gets people in trouble too.

That button? Well, yeah. I can see that. It's like unmuting yourself on a conference call, which has fucked me over a couple times. If you sit on the mute button on all of a sudden, they hear you beating off. Yeah. Yeah.

Or they hear, I was on a conference call one time, and I let out, oh, Jesus Christ, not knowing that I wasn't on a mute. One of the guys, it wasn't a client, thank God. There's a famous Rod Stewart and Andy John's, the engineer story. Okay. That's like, oh God. Oh God.

That's cute. I mean, you or I do think you're being, seeing idiotic things. I'm not going to apologize, but. But I, you know, I wish you hadn't heard that. Yeah. Uh, but sorry, you're such a moron. Yeah. Uh, what were you going to say?

No, I was going to say there's a Andy Johnson's a faint was a famous engineer and he was working with Rod Stewart who's like the king of pranks in the studio and they were they had a string section in and apparently this this cellist was like dropped like a 10 out of 10 and they're in the they're in the studio and Rod goes, Hey, what would you, what would you do to that? He says something like like I'd, I'd, I'd fuck her in the ass and run around and jizz on her face. And like, and all of a sudden you heard bows hit the floor. Like the entire section and he goes, Hey, Andy, and he's got his finger on the talk back. And he says she just told us she came in.

She's like, ah, too bad. I got married last week, guys. I'd have gone for a drink with you. He said she was totally cool. Yeah. But it was just like, I mean, that's fucking mortifying. Yeah, that is. Have you ever, have you ever like talked with other men about your, what you would do with

women sexually? Uh, no, not in depth. Not to that degree. No, I don't think so. That is a weird, whenever that happens to me, yeah, I just wanna walk, I feel like I've been molested. Like when a guy, a guy, like, you're at a... Some guys are really into that. They really are.

Yeah, yeah. Like Trump, right? Grab him by the pussy, like, no fucking talk to me about, I don't, yeah. I don't wanna have. I don't want to have like voice sex with you, phone sex with you. Yeah, I'm sitting at a restaurant eating a bagel or something. Right. I know what I know what I do. Call a 900 number you weirdo. Tell me about what you want to do. I don't know why it always weirds me out. It's a little wearer. I mean, like a handkerchief system,

like the gaze used to have. The handkerchief system. Yeah, gay men had a very elaborate handkerchief system. If they were down, if they were down, they would do, Oh, it's like a sign. It would be soaked with semen. They were down, they were DTA.

Yeah, it would stand out straight. Right? Because they never washed. Yeah. They're handkerchiefs. This guy is a whore. They were handkerchiefs in front of their belts. Yeah.

So you know when they were aroused. Yeah, it looks like a six straight out. It's like an icicle sticking straight out of his pocket. So, so we're in there. We're in the recording booth. We all we're all winning one day to record our lines. I'm being careful not to just give away the whole story here. And Maddox is in the recording booth reading lines that he himself has written over.

This all makes so much sense after the... That he himself has written for a character named Maddox who acts exactly as he acts. Yeah, right? And he starts, he starts reading, he gets about two or three takes through and there is a chill that descends upon the booth that I'm sitting in with the director and the sound engineer. And I know what that chill is.

Yeah, that chill of. My God, he cannot act. I can't act, can't read. I got one piece of advice before we win. And you know it's not getting better. He's not learning how to read in the next 20 minutes, right? We don't have any, we don't have that in a pill yet that we can't suck 40 years of vaccines out of this man.

Okay. So, I sense this is my, this is my lot in life to break the tension of the unspeakable. So I turn the direct and I go, you think it maybe, you think it maybe recast? You think maybe it gives somebody, and it goes, goes, yeah, yeah, I think after like two reeds, right? Yeah, I think we get when we start planning, but we're working with what we've got. I wonder how, trying to polish this turd. So I don't know what's going to happen.

Yeah, I'm giving him like tips like, hey, it matters like picture that you're talking to this guy he was having a huge fight with at the time landlord or something like that because he was storing his, because he was hanging his shoes from the room. I mean, who knows? Who knows what weird shit he was doing. It's all in tape. And we'll listen to it. We'll listen to it all, be hilarious.

Were you printing the talk back? I don't know. I mean, can you hear the director? I don't know. I don't know yet., can you hear the director? I don't know. I don't know yet. I don't think so, sadly. Oh, okay. But it should be fun.

I wanna mix his in with the, is it's not. It's not good. Like, no, my lines are not good. But. But. They're not, at least they were red. Yeah, at least they're literate. You know, you got what baby steps.

Anyway, that's what we're gonna be doing. Let's see. I got some got a can't wait. I got some esterios news. I Got shit face. Well, there's good. I guess there's good news and then like Angry news. I got shit faced and calledunky jones's show last week after the episode we were talking about a stereos and how he doesn't want to call in and you know it doesn't he seems like it doesn't want to be associated with the show for whatever reason which is his prerogative of course uh... i called into munky show drunkenly belligerently complaining about it and uh... ended up talking toereos for a little bit,

was driving into the city. Oh, on the show. No, in private. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. He likes private conversations. No, no, I know, I've texted him a little bit lately. And privately. I tried to, I tried to help him with works,

like I understand his work situation. I gave him some basic tips online, like look, Google your name, and you'll see that the first result is a bunch of random people managing your Twitter account, which makes you look like it skits a frenic. So stop doing that. Just post fucking post jokes. Just tweet every day, I'm a good employee.

I'm a good, because then it'll show up number one for you, right? That's a, you know what? Somebody that's hype in a cereal, and it's one of, it's a dickhead trying to be as funny as possible. That's the, that's your employer's first encounter with you, right? Like who is this guy? Who the fuck is this? Why is this guy asking who cares about the effects of negative effects

of illegal immigration on black people? Like what is, how is that funny? Even if it is funny, you got 10 different people to, so number two, we take a look at some of these articles. Like what is, how's that funny? Even if it is funny, you got 10 different people to, so number two, we take a look at some of these articles. Maybe a media article entitled James Gunn, how I got fired, is not the best representation of, just change the title, right?

James, anything else but how I was fired. Do you start there? Start there. Start there, you've got to worse, so far you've got to worse profile than land out when people type in his name, right? Man. And we got to talking about the lawsuit

and the sanctions and everything. And here's some, here I'll give you the good news first. The stereosis debt is $290 that Maddox owes him. I, he offered to sell it to me because he doesn't, he can't deal with it. It is expensive to pursue that debt, but my God, is there funny stuff we can do with that debt? Yeah.

We can, and it's funny and legal, funny and, and funny and in the proper collection of debt owed. It could be a dollar, and it's worth spending a lot more to get it, isn't it? I mean, it might be, because we have the ability to send a financial questionnaire to debtors. The people that are owed the money have the ability to send a questionnaire

that they have to answer. And finances that they have to answer under oath or else they'll be held in contempt and then they'll be sent to prison if they ever set foot in that state again. That's hilarious. So I said, well, that's tremendous. And when number one, how much is a cost number? Do you why didn't you tell me?

So you want to put a police barricade around the state of New York? Well, that's, I mean, I pay my debts. Yeah, I answered the question. I said the court wants me to ask. But he's not going to be able to take all his meetings with his publishers for his next book. I mean, this is shit like how much, how were your finances split in your divorce?

I mean, you can go that you can just basically ask anything. Anything to anyone. Oh, wow. So I'm looking forward to that. But the whole conversation was, it made me very upset at the time, and even thinking about it still, that's the annoying news, is that I want everything to be good for stereos, but talking to him about it is like talking to a woman who's in a bad relationship and won't see it.

Yeah. You know, where you have to say eventually, look, you're making choices. I think that you're understanding of the situation. And then you gotta walk away. It's not reality. Yeah. Like, I think you, I think you're expecting things and think things work in a way that they don't.

I understand because your life is destroyed and I think you're like, I think your plan, I think Asterios' plan of going back to his people didn't work at all. Like it was, you know, I think he's, I think he's, I don't want to say offended, but just against morally the idea of letting Surnovitch get involved. And just that the whole concept of, this whole concept of counter-suing and, I guess, social justice for lack of a better term, like democratic justice, funding a lawsuit like this should be all inclusive. And it needs to be as public as as possible like Nick raised a hundred grand for that voice actor that got falsely

me too to know one week. One week by Vic Vic Lasagna or Vic Magnolia, whatever that guy's name, the Dragon Ball Z guy. Nick by the way, who's an absolute monster now. I want when he first started calling in Nick Riccata, I didn't understand how he could be a fan of the show and be so nice, but now that I've seen him eviscerate people, he's not very nice. And now I understand.

He's not very nice. Now I think I'm actually the nice guy. And he throws the seawort around like it's going out of style. I couldn't believe it. He called in and there's a woman here and he said the seawort. Oh yeah, that's right. Still reeling from that. That's right.

Nick was like, hold on, you can't talk unless you're on a mic. Let's get this guy on mic. Let's get Eric Wong. I'm going forward. Which one? The orange one. All right.

So at the beginning of the Facebook group, Nick Rikato was an absolute madman. Yeah. He would pick fights with people and that dude's like, I have never seen a human being just string off insults, like different varied unique insults in a line against someone else like Nick did. And then when he-

That weren't you dummy? Yeah. The Knife Flanders. It's not tough when you get a smart asshole. You know, that's like, God damn it, that was good. And then when he started doing his streams, and when he first started, he was like the mild mannered Midwestern gentleman, and he wouldn't swear in his streams.

He really, he really was. And I was like, wait, that's the same Nick Riccata that we used to like, used to tell Tyler Jones that he hope he got raped. Like, that's the same guy. And now he's gonna to be calling in and about what I did in the past is I hope he does call it. He just he robs people in and then butchers them.

He's exploded. His channel's exploded. He's got he's he had 5,000 people on one of his last streams as he Completely embarrasses like this anime jacket this fat this weirdo This weirdo internet pose are like it's just it's so funny to see fake internet lawyers Right ram themselves dead into an actual lawyer who can speak about the law as though you are, as you are talking about your own life. Like he's talking about the law as though it, it happened to him.

And it's so beautiful to watch. So eloquently never stopping from one sentence to the next and in perfect poetry, perfect brows and these guys don't stop themselves and do it. Don't you wish real life was always like that. And it is on Nick's channel, that's the best part. That's the Nick that I know. Oh, it's so beautiful. Be some fun with it.

Good for justice. This has gotta be fun. So, I get my point is, I don't know if Assyios is ever gonna call again, and again, to be quite honest. And it's very sad, it's very sad, it's very upsetting to me because of the two of us. I think if Maddox had only sued Asterios,

he would have gotten away with everything. But because he included me in it, he destroyed his life. Maddox fucked up his entire career. And I don't wanna, and now that I'm not a part of it, I see it just kind of fading away. That makes me upset. All of the hilarious antics that I had planned, like a win Ben Stein's money game, except

fundisterios' countersuit, where like he goes and he has adventures and does challenges to either win a little bit of money to fund the suit or a lot of money and we film it and it's like a fun adventure, right? All shot. You know, I hate to, you know, you know how I am. I hate that the loss of a future fund that it will not come to pass. Yeah. That's why bothers me the most.

That's because I have no actual problem. Selfish really. I mean, just ruining, ruining your potential. Oh, look at that. Oh, God. Yeah. Your potential. I don't ask for a lot in this world.

Just total obedience at all. Yeah. Is that too much to ask? And to never question anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, look, Stereo is very important to me. I'm very, I get very upset thinking about it, thinking about him suffering. And I think he's important to all of us. Everyone's seeing withdraw of completely his upsetting to be just like, where are you going? Come on, we're having a party here.

We're like, we lose enough people already. It sucks. Lose another one, but there you go. There's a lot of stuff. He's, I mean, it's happening to him. So only he knows what's going on in his head. It's like, where we're a step removed from it. It's exactly like the girl thing.

Yeah, it's happening to her shitty relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at least you could say something about it. At least you gotta say, okay, this is what makes me rage this week. I got a couple. What? It's women's history month. March?

Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, they couldn't help themselves so they humped it right up against the black history month. They couldn't even rest the bit for a month. Women, they're so fucking excited about taking the, because they know if they brought it in April, everyone would be like,

well, shit, but every every because February so short, people are already duped about celebrating history, someone's history for a month, that they just snuck in there and took it. Grafting on, drafting on the back of Black History Month. Women's History Month, as if we didn't get enough women already. We need a whole month to be reminded to celebrate the half dozen nags that they trot out every fucking month, adding a new one, adding a new old bag onto the roster every year like the dictionary introduces new words. This year's model is

RBG. Okay. So, prance pony, if you can still walk, if she could still walk, she would say something like that every year, it's a new one. Okay. It was what I'm saying, because if you actually have to consult history, you will find that their contribution was near zero, right? So you got, I mean, you got Harriet Tubman, right? Yeah, but they used her on black history month. You can't have two. You can't do both. I don't know why, why not?

Now, because that's not how it works. Who else you got? My Eleanor Rose. My Angelo. No, oh, damn it. It's another black, you're right, it's like set up. All works. Who else you got? My Eleanor. My Angelou. Yeah, no. Oh, damn it. That's another black. You're right, as I said.

Yeah. Eleanor Rose developed Hermione. Hermione. Yeah. Yeah. That's all I got. No, what Clara Barton? Who's that?

The one with the cow? Start of the Red Cross. Oh, I don't know anything. I don't know anything about them. Somebody try. Yeah. Oh. They already have Christmas. I don't see why they need a whole another month to celebrate women. I guess this was a woman. That's women.

Christmas is women's month. Oh. Okay. You don't need another one. You don't need to have. You already have Christmas. Decorate all the house for you. Bank all the presents for you. We don't need another one. You don't need to have, you already have Christmas, decorate all the house for you, bang all the presents for you.

We don't need another, you don't need another entire month to wallow in it. So as of March 1st, it's now unconstitutional for selective service to be man only. So these bitches are gonna get drafted next. Great. I mean, it's not great, but now you can suck this too. Yeah.

And all of the sudden every feminist in the world, well, I was always against the draft. Oh, yeah. Um, I like, I don't, I like black history month, because I know about, as much about black people as I know about the Teletebs. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's a lot. It's almost nothing. Everything I know about black people comes from Martin and that episode of Star Trek with the black, white face people.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. So I don't mind that. So it's interesting. It's like, interesting, interesting story. Didn't know that. Women's history month, I know about all I need to know about women and their effect on the world. I think everybody knows about as much as I need to know about women and their effect on the on the world.

I think everybody knows about as much as they need to know when they're, I don't know, the first time they get yelled at in school for making a joke or talking out of turn, not wanting to come, not washing their hands properly, not putting every little thing with where it's supposed to be. That's about as much as I need to know about their condition. Okay, that's where you took it. Women's history is women were invented by Gargamel to ruin our lives. That's funny that, yeah, I know.

That's women's history. That's their contribution. Smerfett had black, short black hair too. Yeah, until they fucked it blonde. It's the season of shitty puns. Herstery. Oh, really? Yeah, that's the that's that's that's that sounds right.

That's what that's what it takes to be a women's history. You just say you say the thing and you need enough people telling you that that's not stupid to continue. Then enough people and then enough enough people tell them that what they're doing is important. People telling each other that what they're doing is right. Oh, yeah. I mean, to me, that's almost today, today's populace in a nutshell. Yeah, I'm wrong with it. Yeah. celebrating it all month.

Here's some clips I got from Women's History Month.gov. The American Women's History Initiative will amplify women's voices to honor the past and form the president's fire the future. Let's see, the stories we tell deep in our understanding of women's contributions to America and the world showing how far women have advanced and how we as a country value equality in the contributions. Where was the one I wanted to read? Limited, here we go, the the limited but important roles

women played in korea vietnam paved the path to they married g i's what important role did anyone play in vietnam why is how is that it was bad news we're celebrating the role of women is the armed combat and we know what what we're celebrating that in the first place here was uh... here's something i pulled from sandry day o'connor

about getting this is this was the only thing on their who were celebrating i was in my office in Arizona when the phone rang it was president ronald ragging sandra would like to announce your appointment tomorrow supreme court is that okay with you? From that day on, my life changed. As the first female justice, I didn't have a choice of robes. That was the, that's the first concern.

That's an actual, she wrote this. This is from the fucking website. Most of what was available was a choir or academic robe. What did she want? I brought my judicial robe from Arizona. No one made collars for women. The only place I could find them was in Europe. I did manage to get one or two from France.

I don't even know what to say. It is, she wrote about her fucking clothes. That's the entire blurb about the Supreme Court justice. The first female Supreme Court justice is complaint about her fucking clothing. All right. Yeah, there you, okay. Oh, wow. What a tremendous, what a, what a terrific audience. Women's history, maybe everyone's not bothered by it.

But I just hate it. It's all, it's all, I didn't know every year. It's like, it's like watching them reboot Spider-Man. Oh, here comes, here comes this one. Oh, Marie, oh, it's Rosie the Riveter. Oh, it's this guy again. Spider-Man's about to get bit by this radio active spider. We got to relive, relive it every fucking year. Anyway, tell you what else makes me rage. The comforter getting smushed in one side, like the actual comforter blanket getting smushed all the way to one side in the comfortor cover. Are you familiar with what I'm talking about? The... Oh, yeah, like the filling or what? Or you mean, oh, you're talking about the...

You have the blanket, okay? And that should be enough. And I, for the longest time, I have survived. And I have survived on just using the comfortor blanket, even though I know that it's gross, and it's a pain in the ass to wash, so it never gets done. But it's just a blanket, and you put it on, it's, it works. It's just a blanket, you put it on yourself, you throw the sheet in there, move it around, but I finally lost the battle of the Comforter cover, which is the outer layer that you put on, which works one time, but then before you use it, as it lays on the bed before you use

it. No, it's the comforters inside the right. I know. That's all one time that it works. It works one time the first night, and then for the rest of the month, you have the Comforter squished all over on one side that can never be straightened out. That can never be pulled out properly. So you either get, you either sleep with what is two sheets put on top of you, which might as well be invisible like a gossamer. Like, I can't even tell, I don't feel safe or secure under this at all.

I need that heavy autism weight on me, that's under jacket, or you get stuck with the other side, and it feels like a big furry hippo is laying on you all night, waking up all sweaty. You know I hate to be sweaty. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about?

No, I know what you're getting all fucked up on the outside. I know what you're talking about. I don't have one like that. You have what I'm talking about? No, I know I'm forgetting all fucked up on the side. I know what you're talking about. I don't have one like that. You have just a blanket. Well, I just have like a regular, like a, I have like a regular comforter that it doesn't, nothing snaps or nothing. It doesn't, there's not a blanket that goes inside of it.

Keep that for as long as you can. Yeah. I do know what you're talking about, but eventually you will lose that war to your girlfriend and you will end up with a rapper on your comforter to make things look nice. So it doesn't just look like a white hospital blanket. To cover up the chili sheets. Yeah, it's like I've ripped the chili sheets.

I turned him off. Let me see what else I got here. I got an interesting in-sell survey. An in-cell forum pulled out the funniest data from this. In-cells.is. Can I grab another beer? Thank you. It is a somebody compiled data for online dating. The hell is dot is. Oh, that's just weird. I don't know.

Island maybe. Some kind of sounds Pacific thing. Somebody compiled the data from online dating apps. Somebody, University of Chicago put this together. And they found that, this is actually kind of fucked up. The highlights are being Asian on online dating highlights are being Asian on online dating costs you $250,000 extra to be competitive in online dating. Look at this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, look at this racial breakdown.

This is the kind of shit that, okay, Cupid won't publish anymore, you know, because it's a terrible score. Because it's used for what we're using it for. Right. Being 5.7, so if you're 5.7, it costs you $150,000 extra compared to being 5.11 or $180,000 compared to a 6.2 guy. Yeah. So they took the incomes and the heights and the attention that these guys got,

I get presumably, and found that it's only equal if the guys who are five seven are making $150,000 more. They managed to quantify how much money you have to make to be as competitive as other people in the dating market. Being in the bottom 10% of attractiveness costs you only $40,000. Wow. Extra. Well, because we saw from the okay cupid stats the last time that basically all men are threes or below for women, right? Yeah, yeah. Like we're all hideous. That's okay. Being in the bottom 10% costs you 40 grand compared to an average looking guy. But compared to the top 10%, it costs you $186,000. So for me, to be looked at like you on a dating app, for me to get the same opportunity as a man like you, I have to make $140,000 more than you on the little thing

that says how much money you make. Um, yeah, being 5'7 is a hundred, let's see here. 250 grand to be Asian, see how much these are worth. Jesus. That's suck. They really just don't wanna date Asian, guys. I don't know. I guess not.

Yeah. For equal success with, I can't really make sense of this chart. The baseline income is $62,000 for men and $42,000 for women. Yeah, an Asian man who would like to date a white woman has to make an extra, honestly, he needs to make, so you need to make $310,000 a year to have an equal shot. Oh, my God. That's too bad. Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's see, height. Here we go. An extremely low male height becomes more, it's more pronounced than the racial effects. Wow. Moderately short, oh, thanks buddy. Moderately short, five, six.

You've got to make an extra 175,000 to match a guy who's five, 11. Yeah. So every inch, every inch taller, every inch is worth 50 grand. So a year, apparently. So it's probably more economical for you to get like bone lengthening surgery.

Yeah, right? If it's less than 50 grand, yeah. Yeah, it is, okay, 5, 10 additional income, 5, zero additional income needed by men, 317,000. 5, zero. That's pretty, that's pretty tiny. Like destiny, tiny. Five four is 220, five 10.

Even at five 10, god damn women are picky. Five 10 is totally average height, right? It's above average, average is five eight. Is it really? Yeah. Throughout the world or throughout this, I think in the US. Wow, that's, I think it,

well I think it might be a little taller than that US. I don't know, but that's, 5'10 is not short. No, not even close. No, not at all. The average woman is like 5'4. Yeah, yeah. What's up like that? How much do they, and if you ask woman what a foot is,

they'll either go like this or like this. So it's not like they know, but conceptually, I don't know if they're just reading the numbers or 5'10, you've got to make 24,000 more. Just to be competitive with the magic number of six feet, which only exists because it's a round number. I'm reading this down. Do women want to date six foot 10 guys?

I don't know. It says not enough. What's saying you're given back? I mean, like they're under par, so to speak. You're right. Yeah. So if you're six, six, and above, there's, yeah, I mean, they give you a credit.

Women give you an income credit of $60,000. Well, it's good. Can you believe that they're doing this, they're all doing this on their own? Like they figured this shit out on their own. If you're six, six, and above, you get a credit of $63,000. Yeah.

At the bank, let's see here. At the bank with the worst customer service in the world, an extremely face, here we go. The maximum cost of facial ugliness is 186 grand. That's for a bottom 10% guy to match a top 10% guy the maximum cost of facial ugliness is 186 grand. That's for a bottom 10% guy to match a top 10% guy to bring the ugliest men up to the performance of the top 10% of men. Is this interesting to you?

The cost of being a man on dating sites. But it, well, you know what, it makes sense though. I mean, we do know in society that that taller people are treated, they're, they're just, uh, people think that they're more powerful. They're, they're, they're perceived that way that they're, you know, yeah. When was the last time you saw like a five foot eight president of the United States Napoleon. I guess was the last. The funny thing about Napoleon was he wasn't short. He was, I think he was 5'8".

He was, I think they put him down as like 5'2 or 5'3", which was just a clerk error when he went into the service. Oh, really? Yeah, and he went into the service. So one guy got the entire rest of history. Yeah, he was completely average height for his time. That would be annoying. I got your mother fucker.

Thanks a lot. Now I gotta go fucking march people around. I also just read that everybody thinks Neanderthals are crumpled up and hunched over. No, no, no, because the one that they found, the first one that they found had such bad arthritis that his skeleton was all fucked up. So that's not the last.

No, they were more robust than us. Yeah, then. That would be some interesting dating numbers. Here is Neanderthals. Yeah. Well, how much that costs you in the dating world? Average 1%, average first desial, which I guess is the lowest 10% of ugly men. Okay.

186,000 upwards of, God damn, you got to make, you got to make serious money to make up for how ugly you are. And look at this until you're in the top 20%. Fuck. Does that piss you off? It's kind of a fence. It's kind of a fence of everybody else. It's pissed off by that. It's kind of, it's kind of offensive. It's kind of offensive. Everybody else should have pissed off by that. It's kind of offensive that like that exists, you know. Just that there's, it's that shallow. Which of course it is, but you know, it's like, oh, you gotta, oh, so there is a price. Well, what I don't get is why,

why isn't everybody lying about, okay, so we've got the numbers, so you're a millionaire. Like, oh, that's your Tinder profile. I'm a millionaire. I'm a six foot tall millionaire. Yeah, well, that's, you know, I'm sure that's your Tinder profile. I'm a millionaire. I'm a six foot tall millionaire. Yeah, well, that's, you know, I'm sure that's done. I own the spurs. They're really, what are they gonna check that?

Right. No. I invented, just make up my car parts. I invented a, I invented the pedal on the car, the gas pedal. I don't know. Yeah, before it was just a spike. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Before I would just throw, nobody gas pedal. I don't know. Yeah, before it was just a spike. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Nobody drove fast. Nobody drove fast. It was just a stick. People would try to hit it. And I thought there's got to be a better way to do this. Oh, all right.

That's there you go. That's the in-sell survey. Mike Hancho, do you want to get on the mic over there? What's up? Hey, what's up, man? How you doing the big winner of the MTG Grand Prix tournament? I guess low tax is not calling and that's okay. It's probably my family emergency.

Family and wage gap got him. Now you have a very interesting story. You're responsible for one of my favorite messages that I've ever got on the show. One of my favorite memories, like the ones that I, the ones that I'm lying in bed at night thinking about how sleep surveys all say that if you don't sleep, you're going to die sooner and get fat and there's no way you can ever recover from them. You know, those sleep surveys, every sleep survey is always bad news. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I'm trying to sleep over here. But my comfort is all fucked up.

My comfort is all fucked up. The sheets, the sheets are coming off every night. The sheets are coming off and they let this out, they let this out of the factory as though it's a finished product, but it doesn't work at all. A simple buckle would solve this, not in this stupid elastic band, like it's like my bed is trying to wear a momo. When I'm in those moments, thinking about fun things I've got from the show, yours is one of them. I forget, it was

a couple months ago. This was a back in December. And it was, it was a big story on the news. It was a big story on the news. It was a huge story where, uh, where Sarah, it was, it was, it was, so Sarah Sanders retreated, we retweeted the picture. This is it. Oh, I remember. Sanders retweeted a picture of, of soldiers in the White House meeting Trump. And one of them is taking a selfie with Trump, right? That was the picture that Sarah Sanders tweeted. So I log into Twitter and I get a message. I click on the message and I got this weird feeling,

wait a minute, I've seen this picture before today because it's been all over the news. Why would someone send me this picture? So I kind of ignored it. I clicked over a couple of windows and I said, oh God, I clicked back over and it was the selfie. Yeah, because the guy, this is the man who took the selfie right here.

Of course he would be a listener. Yeah, it's like, oh no, fucking way, man. Is that how this world works? So the way that worked is they shut down that base a week in advance. Where was it? It was in Northern Iraq. It was Trump's first visit to Iraq.

Okay. They all they told us is someone's coming and then they started doing all these weird security things. So I'm like, I'm watching because I work for the bigger base security and I'm like, somebody big's coming. Oh, shit. I know exactly who's coming. Daddy. So as soon as I run out of it. What are you doing in Iraq, by the way? At the time, I'm doing infantry work.

I'm on patrol, I'm doing base security, I'm looking for bad guys to do bad things too. There's none left, so we're sitting around wasting taxpayer dollars. While somebody's got a wasted, yeah. So that night, they picked four people out of my group and they were like, somebody's got to waste it. So, we, that night, they picked like four people out of my group, and they're like, these people are going to go to this dining facility to meet someone.

We're not telling you who, and I'm like, oh, I know exactly who the fuck this is. I'm going to get there. So, me and my boss, who, I'm not going to, I'm not going to name his name, but he is very similar to me. He's not a dickhead, but he's like right on the cuss. Right. So him and I were like, okay, we gotta figure out how I get in there. And they come and literally pick me up in a van. They're like, hey, you're gonna go have this dinner, figure it out.

And I hadn't shaved that day. Like, I'm disgusting. I've been in a tower. Like, my life's just in ruins. I've run for- You've been in a tower? Yeah, what do you mean? So you have to sit in a tower.

Like a prison guard. Yeah. With a gun. Yeah, so you literally sit in a tower for 12 hours a day and- Like a funzel? Yeah, but instead of that, you look- Throw down bullets.

You don't even throw down bullets. You sit there and watch dogs fuck and do shit on roofs. Oh yeah. That's how you do shitting on roofs in Iraq. Yeah, Iraq, he's love shitting on the roof. I'm not really sure why. It's just something they do.

Can anyone else keep it out of the kitchen? I'm tired of them, the we need to bring them freedom meme. We need to bring them people toilets. Oh God. That's what people, if you use in Iraq, you like, porta potty, there's no toilet seat. It's just a hole in the ground that you squat on.

You're disgusting. That's, this is the real problems with the war on terror. Yeah. Like this is why they're still blowing shit up. They're squatting. So I get to this dining facility and then like more members of my platoon come in and All the sudden they're in suits all shaved. Oh Get the suit pack. Yeah, so we're all we're all like combat arms guys So we're all disgusting like we don't get to eat at the deep, fact, we don't have good showers.

What is a, what's that a breathe? I'm just used. So combat arms is like infantry and artillery. Okay. And then everyone else is a poke. So a poke? Yeah. People other than grunts like shitty,

we're echelon people. People don't do anything. How long does it take to learn all these words? Like P.O.G.U.E. P.O.G.S. Oh, okay, I thought it was like the Irish Pogue. That's Pogs, man. Are you ready to break it to you, bud?

Look, it's the army. We can't spell to begin with. So it's us and the Pogs, the Pogs, the Pajays, what do you want to call them? And we're sitting there and like we're all gross and staying, and I'm like, as soon as he walks in, I'm like, holy fuck, I'm getting a picture with this man. So how does he walk in? He's like, they said everybody. They literally have like, Marines outside,

they have UASs in the air, like, this is the most secured, like, small dining facility ever. Yeah. So him, Melania, and the rest of his entourage walk in, and like, of course, I'm in the very back, so I'm pushing people around, I'm gonna get a picture with this man. And I shake his name.

Nobody else is. Oh, people got pictures with him, just they didn't get put all over CNN. Oh, okay, okay. So I shook his hand and he was like, oh, what do you do? I'm an infantryman, Mr. President. Like, your policies are why I stayed in the army.

And he literally went, I'm the reason you came back in the Army and I look at him. And he's like, you tell the camera that. And I'm like, that's what I expect Trump to say. And I like that. Is that true? Did you say that to get on his good side? No, like, okay, if Hillary Clinton would have won, I'd have gotten way the fuck out of the Army because I'm not trying to get killed for no reason.

What do you mean? So Hillary is going to definitely send me somewhere stupid and I'm gonna end up getting left there. Like Marshall's or something? Yeah, I'm gonna end up, I'm gonna end up. I'm gonna end up on high prices. Yeah, it's kinda hot. It will be two for one every day.

I'm celebrating this woman's, oh God, could you imagine how bad women's history mother is that if she had won? It'd be the end of the world. I would be sending grid coordinates to Kim Jong-un. Please, nuke us. Yeah, so Jesus. So I got that picture and then Sarah Sanders like pulled me aside.

I gave her like one of my combat patches. My hey here and she like took a picture with me and I'm like, this isn't gonna go poorly for me. I like get a selfie with him. Yeah. And I forgot that I have a giant Pepe on the back of my phone. Oh God. So.

And there are other cameras in the room. Let me pull up that picture. Let me just find it. Well, so just for the sake of this recording, I'm talking about that guy. I know that guy very well. That's definitely not me. Oh, okay. All right.

I thought so. If you could go. If you could go. If you just, if you Google Trump, Iraq soldier, it's gonna come up. So this is your friend. Yes, this is my very good friend. Uh-huh. I got a friend on Twitter who's running my account now.

Stan L.A. based on Indian. Yeah, I front a lot of L.A. is that. Yeah, I know. I was glad. I didn't want to have to do a tight, you know, two and a half. If you just go to Google images, it's one of the first ones. Yep, there's the one on the right. There's the jackass.

Are you posted in here? I'm gonna immediately get roasted. Yeah. That's funny. That's a handsome dude. Yeah, look at this guy young and still full of life and yeah, properly sized face Like no The engines at all Nice strong strong head the size of a pumpkin. That's what you want exactly. Yeah, yeah the face to match

So yeah, so I woke up to and that's what you want. Exactly. For the face to match. So yeah, so I woke up to this and then the opposite. Wait a minute, something's going on, something's not right with this picture. The actual, okay. So we're walking back and like I'm excited.

I'm like, oh, I'm met and got to sit down and have dinner with the president. Like cool. As soon as I get back, my commanding officer's like, I need to see you in my office immediately. And like I go in like, and the TV is turned on, and Fox News is soldier, reenlist, and the army for Trump.

And I'm looking at it, and I'm just like, oh, well, Trump. Is that bad? Well, Trump's thrilled. So, yeah, it doesn't matter who else is, you know what I mean? It's like, he'll be like, no, no, no, he's good. It's one of those things, you're like, so if you like so if you get asked anything like here the talking points for this guy This is all secondhand information from right right right um so

It just turned into this giant thing where this This event spiraled way out of control like this the soldier in the picture had to delete his entire Twitter history Oh shit because he had may have been on like the show, age of shit, Lord, you know, Keckas, Stan. Yeah. Things that would probably get him investigated for. What were the talking points? The talking points was he loves the army.

The army's phenomenal. Of course. Right. Don't talk about how you think the war in Iraq is fucking stupid. Oh, yeah. Well, that soldier was... What is in things they definitely would recommend against saying, I mean like what's something they might be worried about?

Someone say, because obviously it's not stupid, but why would someone think it was stupid? Right, like it's not just a giant 15 year waste of money that has produced dudes squatting and shitting in toilets. And then you have like, you know, so stupid when you put it like that. Yeah, it sounds ridiculous. You know, go sit in a tower for 12 hours a day and then, one of you would go, I'll bet you learn a lot about dog sex doing that though.

Probably go to work for Nat Geo right now. What happens in that tower is easily like the most degenerate things on the planet. Like, what, with yourself? Well, you're with another dude, so it's like a dude. Well, that's even worse. It's a dude in your platoon, so you'll look at him and like, you know, it's infantry guys.

Like, you started looking like a steak. Wait a minute, I don't know if I'm like a car. It's like a hamburger. After a while, you start rating dudes in your platoon. Like, if I'm gonna go gay, I'm fucking you. Wait a minute, do you remember when Max Panic called into the show before we lost another important member of the show? He called

in and talked about being on a submarine and said basically the same thing. Yeah, that's right. Male only like male only jobs and combat arms. Like, I'm not gay, but if I'm going to do it, like, I want at least the top 10 percent. Like, I'm going to be on the same disparities. Yeah. I think that- Are you like bartering money with other guys who are- Oh, no, so it'll be- Faller or not. So it'll, you know, we're so much what it costs for someone like me to look like someone like Sean to you.

Get the fuck out of here. So here's the thing, right? We're not as vain as women. It's about like, it's about the emotional connection. Like, oh man, you gave me half of your nacho cheese spread. Yeah, I'll suck your dick for that. That's cool. I got cheese. Jesus Christ, this is my clothies.

Are we watching him in the army? No. Yeah, it's like, this is the truth about the war. It's been us sitting in a hole, being like, I really wish someone would shoot at us so we can sit, stop sitting here and fucking doing nothing. Because you can't bring a phone, you can't bring a book. Yeah.

Because then you're not looking at the fucking fan. You can't bring a phone? Oh my God, that's like dog time without a phone. Like that's the passage of time without your, if I take a shit and my phone and I don't have my phone, I feel like I lived about a week and a half during that shit. So imagine going somewhere where you're going like 50 years back in fucking time, like you leave America, you go 50 years back in time

to an area where everyone hates you. And nothing like you either get shot at and blown up or nothing happens. I can't believe there's people still over there. It's fucking stupid. I think Gargamel invented Smurfette to cure the Smurfes of their homosexuality. It sounds like there's no women around.

These guys are just immediately well, okay That's it's not that good. It's one of those things like it my partner or looking at like guys shitting on roots Dicks are gross, but like I'm just like This is disgusting. I really wish I could be gay because I'm getting nothing here So when you get a love is love. Oh, you got to be on the mic Eric when you get to tell us that that's the real reason that you reenlisted. I wish No, it's not like that. I'm just like, well, I'm in the infantry now. You would think that the army would encourage homosexuality because then it would be harder to leave the army.

Right. It's like, oh, well, your boyfriend's here. You know, the army, he's not going anywhere. If you've been in the army more than four years, you have Stockholm Syndrome for it. I've been in it for a long time. How long have you been in? How long has your friend been in? So, myself, like, I was in for four years, I got out for three, did some stuff in New Orleans, and then came back in, because I'm insane.

So, I'm in till I retire at this point. Wow, really? Yeah. What does that look like? Institution. I've got like 12 years left. Oh my God, then. Until you're retired?

Yeah. What? But I'll be like 40. I'll retire at 40, and then I'm gonna go open a business. Each shit. Get out. See, now you can be mad. Yeah.

But I hate him. Yeah. What you like over there and I ragged, like, it looks pretty fun. It's like the beach with no ocean. Yeah, it's an Iraqi beach. I hate the ocean. The biggest beach in the world.

Yeah. No women at all. And the women that are our service members. And so like as an infantryman, you don't look at the female service members because all that is is a case waiting to happen. Like he looked at me for more than six seconds and enjoy this sexual overcrassment complaint.

Oh boy. I was gonna say it seems like it's cool to get chicks signed up for the, you know, they were celebrating the women registering for the draft on the news. When I read it, everything looked like it was a major step forward towards equality, but I'm thinking the entire time, isn't it like, why is this, why are they celebrating it either way? The draft? This is literally, we're celebrating, like, I always make the joke that gay marriage, getting legalized, is just making, is just like ending slavery by making white people slaves too. Making the draft available, selective service, whatever, apply to women too, is literally

also enslaving women. It's a joke. What the dumb, like, think about it, right? If, say you got drafted, Dick Masterson gets drafted. Do you want to be there? No, I'm gone. Yeah, so let's say, as fast as my money can take,

now I have, now I'm here to train some dude who doesn't want to be here. And I have a hard time training the retards that do join. So I'm just like, okay, cool. I have a dude who don't want to be here. Now I have females who don't want to be here that are on a different physical standard, by the way. Yeah, well, yeah, okay.

18 year old man. 18 year old. What's the physical standards of sitting in a tower watching dogs fuck? You have to be 50, you need to be. So everyone, so every, you need to test your eyesight and go, you're good. And then you see those two dogs fucking,

yeah, you're good, getting a tower. What color is this? I was sick. Yeah, it's different. It's always red. It's always red. So like 18 year old male physical standard is 40, this is the minimum, 42 push ups, 56 sit 56 setups and a two mile run in 15 54.

Oh, the run it would I can't do that. That's all you do. That's all you got to be able to do in two minutes two minutes and 15 54. An 18 year old female is 19 push ups 36 setups and a two mile run in 19 minutes. How what's the run 19 minutes two mile run in 19 minutes. I can walk that. I mean, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like,

I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like,

I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like,

I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, I think it's like, and we're doing two vastly different jobs. Neat. I really enjoy this. Happy a woman's history month. I guess it is about the money. So it's a fun act of socialism. The military is like socialist utopia. Yeah. Well, what's your favorite part about being in the war, I guess? If you had to honestly come rottery. Honestly, camaraderie.

Yeah. The dudes that I work with are some of the best dudes on the planet, even though they're all degenerates. Like it's brotherhood, it's family. You're always gonna be around like. Sometimes more, sometimes friends with benefits. Sometimes, sometimes dude to like might get a little like walk out of the shower and be like,

hey, what does this look like? Well, that looks like your dick. Like I've seen it, I saw it yesterday. I'm gonna see it tomorrow. Like I don't need to see it right now. Thank you though. Take that somewhere else. I don't think people can't see a penis for too long

without doing something with it. They're just weird with it. Like, I'm guilty of it. Like, doing the Weenner wake-up game, like, what's the Weenner wake-up game? So, you pull your pants down and you like sit in front of somebody and you have your other buddy and he slaps the shit out of him

to where he wakes up and discuss things he sees. These guys are a six pack, from like a 500 guy orgy. Like, do you have like an orgy day? No, on four. Like, day after Christmas, there's nothing. There's no fucking just beating off

at a 140 degree porta-potties. And, yeah, if you can be off. What? Yeah, it's a 140 degrees by 9 a.m. there. But do you know my many other ways to beat off? Well, you see, walk out of your tower. You go to the port of potty, you jerk off and set port of potty.

You go back to your tower. Can you tell when the other guys just like, does he come back all relaxed? Well, he's like, it'll be like, hey, I'm gonna go beat off. Like, you know what I'm gonna go do in there? Like, might as well tell you. That's what I never, I can never answer calls for my parents right after I beat off.

I think they're gonna know. Yeah. I'm gonna be too, let me just charge I beat off. I think they're gonna know. I'm gonna be too. Let me just charge up the rage emater for a little bit. And then you come home and when you come home. Okay, so wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait uh... did they do that on purpose to check it's it's weird to me that you've got if i was running the army i would have cacconjugal visit centers with yourself at least at mandatory and every but a nice air conditioned room with three hundred and sixty degree pornography uh... pornography is illegal in

in the uh... deployed environment under general order one you're not allowed to have pornography what yeah no liquor no pornography the deployed environment under General Order 1. You're not allowed to have pornography. What? Yeah. No liquor, no pornography, no friendization. In the US? While deployed. You can have pornography in your personal living quarters

in America. But when you are deployed, you fall under General Order 1 and you are not allowed to have pornography in your possession. Who the hell are, who are the bad guys? You're telling me that you are over there to spread democracy, freedom, and expression and the American way, and you are not allowed to have a picture of a naked lady?

Yes. I didn't know that. Did you? No. General order, what? It's called General One. One. Oh my God.

That's how important it was. It's like a four page, like, don't bring this to the war. And you're just like, I can't believe that. Oh, it's not allowed to have a war. So what happens is you have like, I had to draw it yourself. Oh, I had a file on my hard drive that was called not pornography. Okay.

And I wonder what that is. So what it works is every soldier has a removable hard drive and that motherfucker gets passed around. Okay. So I have... And it's contraband. I have two terabytes of some of the most disgusting porn on the planet. Okay.

It goes from like, oh man, that's really nice to... Who's beating off to this? John Podesta's, the Podesta files. Oh, like, chicks getting railed out by horses. Like, who's beating off to this? Okay, well. You're just like, why? Uh, I can't believe that.

No alcohol. At all. Well, that makes sense. Yeah, but you can go back via an ometime if people were happy then. When did they do this? This has been since like Desert Storm. Oh man.

Yeah. So you're gonna go to Desert? Why? It would embarrass the American government. It would embarrass your boss so you're not allowed to have. That's what I think. Or anography.

That's fucked, man. That's like George Bush era. Like rules they got in place on the war on terror. It feels like Star Trek, like totally desexualized. None of those motherfuckers ever have pornography or do anything with pornography. Yeah, Star Trek, even though they have like a pornography machine. I know.

Not once. They don't even reference it. That's a big hole in the whole series. That just plays Space Jazz in Weirdo Racket Ball. Mm-hmm. Um, huh. Well, yeah, that would make me rage. Somebody should at least invent Jacket Ball or something.

That's why soldiers come home so pissed off. Like, they either went over there and saw horrible things or they did nothing and feed off all the time. That's where all these PTSDs coming from, I bet. If I had to go six months without pornography, I 100% would have a traumatic stress disorder. Oh, you're like, in your, I wouldn't function. I would turn into Rambo. If I came back, even if I didn't see any combat at all, I just had to go hang out with a bunch of guys watching dogs

fuck and not see any big drawings of big tits, I would come back and probably kill everyone. So the inside of the tower had like, they would have to come in like all the senior and sales would have to come in and paint it every week. Cause dudes like, you can't figure out who's doing it cause it's like different shifts. And no one's gonna snitch on everyone else. So it's like, who's drawing, like who's drawing?

Like the best porn, the best one. They'll be like, they'll be like, just beautiful poetry. And then they'd play it. They're really? porn. There would be like just beautiful poetry and then they played it. They're really? Oh, it'd be like a drawing of a naked lady. They'd be like beautiful poetry and then it'd be like some chick getting reeled out. And then be like a giant dick.

Like some like soldiers are professional drawing dick. So it's like some big, vainie-drags. Everybody draws dick differently though. They're not doing, if they're painting over that evidence, they're not doing a good job because you can figure out who draw, everybody draws dick differently. Yeah.

It's like a thumbprint, it's like a fingerprint. Yeah, I can figure out, you give me a lineup of drawn dicks, I'll figure out who drew the dick. Is that right? Yeah. Even if they do it left handed to try to trick me, do you have to look at previous things that they've drawn? Like they're trying to match the personality with this.

I can make keys if I can coax that. Like if you show me a drawn dick and then give me who your suspects are and have them draw a dick, I will identify it 10 out of 10 times who drew that dick. Because it's the psychology. It's what they prioritize in the penis that gives them away. How they draw it, what they focus on. If they just, if they give it a slit at all, if they give, if they give it a head, if they draw the head first, and then the slit, how big they make the balls.

How it's all very, it's a very, it's like a handwriting analysis, like a signature analysis. So you can tell everything about someone by the way they draw a dick. For a lot of research into it. Anyway, can tell. Would that get you to,

would that get you into drawn porn if you had to take an eight months of aticle, sitting in a tower? Would you rather watch the dogs fuck? No, I'd probably start, I'd probably learn to draw. Yeah. Are you the contraband hard drive? Yeah, well, that,

that seems funny because it gets passed around, you said, right? So like it just we, everybody adds to it. Oh, everyone adds hard drive. Yeah, well, yeah. That seems funny, because it gets passed around, you said, right? So like it just, everybody adds to it. Oh, everyone adds to it. Yeah, and that's where you get the horse shit and the, like a, so a one megabyte in Iraq, one megabyte of internet download speed is $160 a month.

So it takes like two days to download whatever you're downloading and just gets passed around. I can't believe that. No porn. That's offensive. And then you come home and whatever you came home, whatever you left to do, whatever you come home to. You don't remember your room for a week.

Like you come home and like rip them. You see like females and you're like, oh my God, I haven't seen any of y'all in nine months. Licker hits you a lot harder than it used to. Oh yeah, right. Because all you did was go to the gym and beat off. So you come back, or you come home and your, you know, your wife has left you,

you have no idea what's going on in the house. That happens a lot, doesn't it? It happened to me. I came home and I had, dude, I came home and she took everything but my cat, my TV, my guns and my couch. Man, you gone to like, what else? What else did you have?

They grabbed another branch right? I had more than four spoons. Wait, I got a neurotic story about that. God damn me. Let me read this. Let me read this thing. What's your, what makes you a rage about the army then? That's your favorite part.

Actually, so I'll tell you, if you don't mind, I'll tell you what makes me a rage. 23 and me and people who buy it for you. Oh. So my life has been kind of weird since I got home. You know, my spouse left me. So I got a 23 and me kid people who buy it for you. So my life has been kind of weird since I got home. You know, my spouse left me. So I got a 23 and me kid bought for Christmas so I come home and take that.

And as soon as it does genetics, turns out I have a half black sister. I have a sister that I didn't know about. And a protester you didn't know about? I have two sisters I didn't know about, one of them's half black. And whoa, I'm like, God, you gotta turn in your KKK membership. Right like I guess I can't be a kekastani anymore

So people buy this for you not knowing that it's gonna ruin your entire fucking family because I'm like hey mom Would you like to explain this right? She's like no that never happened and I'm like well. I have DNA evidence So yeah, you need to explain that like I don't care that I have that black sister. DNA, that's not where I go. I just want to know who the fuck these people are. And it's like, I'm not talking to you about it. Like, that never happened. That is her kids? Oh yeah. What does she like, prove it?

Yeah, she was like, prove it. So I was like, well, here's pictures of them because I can Facebook stock people. They look just like you, except for. Oh wow. Dude, I look like how often that happens. That like, like goofball vanity genetic testing unveils. I'm sure a decent percentage of the time,

I mean, not insignificant. It's like Reddit horror stories for 23. I didn't realize this before I took it. I was like, oh, this will be neat. Let me figure out my history. Well, because my first thought is, I think the, how far it can go. As soon as I get it,

I wanna give it to everybody in my family. But I thought about that. I'm like, oh, wait a minute. What if, what if, I have no reason to doubt anything, but everybody's got to have that thought of, I mean, what if this, I don't want to put my dad on blast. Yeah. Well, you don't want to hear that Christmas present, right?

Some rocks you shouldn't kick over. Oh, I'm going to be going around the family with vials for spit. You're spit in this. We've got some questions. What did your mom say? So she's finally like, okay, we'll talk about it when you come home.

Like from Iraq? No, no, like from like from from. From Chile. She's like, we're gonna talk like no, you're gonna tell me now, like we're gonna figure this out lady. Like I don't care what you did in your past. Like I don't care that you went and hoarded out.

Fine, good for you. However, but you do care. No, I care that we're lying about some childrenarded out. Fine, good for you. However. But you do care. No, I care that we're lying about some children I've never met. Yeah, right. How many other sisters? I have two sisters. Like, and once again, just some random friend was like,

older than you? Yeah. Yeah. Like two older sisters that just the whole family lied about. Like, awesome. Thank you. And you thought up until then you thought you were the first? Up until then I thought like I had my two older brothers and that's it. My older brothers didn't know about this and that. One, your like, awesome. Thank you guys. Up until then, you thought you were the first. Up until then, I thought, like, I had my two older brothers

and that's it. My older brothers didn't know about this and that they're a f**k. Mom, you mean, like, I couldn't learn to dance? Yeah. I could have met there, I could have f**ked their hot friends. Yeah, like, this would have been- I'd been f**ked me over again.

Like, I've just been f**ked my entire life and now you put this shit on me? Like, all right, lady. So- That would be weird. That was that. This was, like, three or four days ago. Have you, oh!

Oh, three or four days ago! Yeah. News breaks quick on the deck. You found this out from DNA. Yeah. Like the results came back in. I opened up the app and it was like, this person, your half sister, 76%. This person, your half sister, 86%.

I've got you the kit originally. My soon to be ex-wife. Oh, she fucks me again. Jesus. Wow. The gift that keeps on giving you. What would you do if you learned you had a sister, a hidden, a secret sister?

Well, I mean, I would be interested in that because nothing my parents have done would really surprise me. Like I, I mean, I wouldn't necessarily like, I wouldn't be like, how could you keep this from me? Would you want to meet the sister? Sure, why not? I totally want to shake you down though, for some dough. I'm broke.

I'm an audio engineer. I told my mom, I'm like, I still love you. Like I'm a little bit mad that you lied, but I still love you. Like you did you good on you. It's a pretty big lie. But I get to hold this over your head for the rest of the life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's great. Before I move on to this, I got two things I want to put out here. Okay. One, so, cripple Jesus and did you bro fight? I want to make that happen. Cripple Jesus clearly isn't going to get in the ring with did you bro.

Yeah. And it's a different way around. Oh, what are you guys not getting ready for? Did you bro's not getting ready for that? Yeah. And it's way around. The G-Brows not good. Digi Bro's not good. So, in his words, a crippled reef's hard. He doesn't wanna get it. So, we're gonna bring this back to 1800. And I will be crippled Jesus champion.

And I will beat that pedophile's ass. Like I will fight that way. He's not gonna get in the ring either. I mean, no, it's still on Digi Bro. Right? Digi Bro doesn't want to fight. I'll put a thousand dollars for Digi Bro to fight me. You will put a thousand dollars for me.

I will put a thousand dollars that Digi Bro can go. Why? Because I really want to beat his ass. Why? So the amount of shit talking and the fact that Digi Bro was okay being so much of a beta bitch to put his girlfriend on a mic and be like, oh, my girlfriend will fight the cripple. The first of all, that would be an even fight

of mentally handicapped versus physically handicapped. So you have that, but you're that catching of a beta boy in joke. It's woman's history month, you can't make this. So that much of a beta bitch that you're really gonna put your girlfriend on the mic who you enjoy Lolly with to fight some cripple dude. Like, come on, dude.

First funny though. It was hysterical. She wants to fight him. Why the hell not? Flip it around on him. See if cripple Jesus will fight a woman. And at this point, I just want it. I want it.

So the dick show is hand. And in which ways more offensive? Right? Is it more for a man to fight a man in a chair or a man in a chair to fight a woman? At this point, the Dixho has had so many, so many challenges for fights. Yeah. And no one's actually stood up minus the stereos in the Donald. Like it's, it's time.

We need to get the Dixho fight club set up. Okay. And my count show wants to fight. I'll put a thousand dollars. If he can last three rounds with me without tapping out, I'll give him a thousand dollars. What do you mean, you're gonna MMA fight him? I'm gonna fuck his world up.

What about like boxing? Yeah, we'll put on gloves. Like we'll put on gloves. He can have a cup in a mouthpiece. Like he will tap out by round two. But you don't tap out in boxing. I mean, I'm saying. It's gonna be MMA rule.

We can't do MMA against this. No, that's too much. Yeah, too brutal. Right, right. Keep some amount of gentlemanly. It's of course the MMA is very gentlemanly. No, it's brutal. Women do it.

Yeah, women can do it. That's fine. Awful, disgusting. Remember when we talked about periods all over each other? They're like ink. They're like squids shooting ink at each other. Have you ever seen a women's MMA fight? Yeah. Within 10 seconds periods shooting all over each other. It's awful. What?

Remember when she's surprised. There was talk about Floyd fighting Ronda Rousey for like, you know, five minutes and then they'd may weather. Yeah. And then people were this was like two, three years ago or something. And people like, oh, yeah, she could beat Floyd if it like, you know, and like if it were like MMA rules Mayweather. Yeah, and then people were, this was like two, three years ago or something, and then people, like, oh yeah, yeah, she could beat Floyd if it like, you know, and like, if it were like MMA rules or something like, yeah, if he was dead already. And then people were like, wait, Floyd's been arrested for like, spousal abuse, like six times. You know, do we really want to see Floyd Mayweather

in there like, beating up a straw? So you know, he's really good at it. So, and a lot of the more It's got more practice than anybody else. The last thing, I am not that soldier on the picture. My name is Mike Hancho, and I have no connections with the soldier in that photo. Oh, fuck, I left it up. I'm not mistaken.

That is a handsome soldier, though. I was one of my favorite moments. I thank you for, I thank to your friend, telling him, thank you for sending me that picture. Absolutely. Or however you got it. To see it all over the news.

That's wild. And then, and you're in my inbox, like, no, what? That's fucking great. What do you call it? The great magnet, the big magnet. Great, great magnet. I am, I thought it was, I have learned a lot about the army today. I thought it was more of a fraternity. Yeah, testosterone, driven, bonding, band of brothers. Now I'm finding it's like a gateway to gay stuff, penis games. It's everything but being gay. So what was the game you called that, the weener wake up? So you take your weener out and you get it right above a guy's head.

You get it like, so he can't touch it. So that's that big. But he's sleeping. He's sleeping. So you get it like back, and you get another one of your buddies, and he slaps the shit out of him. And then he wakes up and just face plans.

And then he comes like face, like it's a face full of dick. And you're just like, I bet you enjoy that. Fucking queer. Do you, do you like get it, you work so leather up and try to like put a toothpick in his mouth to hold it open and then just pan out. No, I don't know.

Now I really got you. That would be a sexual assault. This is my real like the, the Cartman thing where he takes a picture with his dick in butter's mouth and he thinks it makes, this is what guys are sleeping in the army. They have like Peewee's big adventure, the intro with that machine. What is it called? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Goldberg machine, just to get each, to suck each, that it's more, the more complicated the machine is, that's how it has to be to not be gay. That's the, that's sexual assault. But if you accidentally put it in someone's mouth. Oh, oh, yeah, that's, that'd be ridiculous. That's the sexual assault if you accidentally put it in someone's mouth. Uh oh. Yeah, that's repudiate ridiculous.

Oh, I see. Are like, you can walk around the tent, especially like, when we have like our own little tents, and it's like, What about his nose though? If a little, what if a little bit of sack flesh or penis flesh, sexual assault inside?

You gotta, you gotta be good enough that you can keep it away. Like, one of my good buddies, his favorite thing, He keep your reflexes up. Like, you walk around bottomless. Like, take your pants off, your air out the boys, you walk around the tent, especially if there's like 20 plus dudes in the tent, you walk around, so you notice this first.

Like, just like, put your leg up on something and be like, hey, what's going on today? Like, what's the plan for today? And about four seconds in, they realize your dicks out. Oh yeah. And they're like, can you put that away? But what away? Oh, my dick, I didn't notice you were looking.

It is phenomenal. Man, they definitely are bored over there. They need way more to do. It's so bored. Think about it, right? It gets like, so it's 140 during the day. It's like 20 something at nine. Negative 200 at night.

You're, you're, it's the moon. It's dudes all the time. You're gonna snuggle with each other because it's fucking cold. I, it's dudes all the time. You're gonna snuggle with each other because it's fucking cold. I'm sorry, what? What? Wait a minute, what? There's snuggling that's going on?

Yeah. It's not gay if your boots are on, it's fine. Is there really, there's guys snuggling each other? All right, so. This is the army. If you're out, if so like. I'd rather be an army of one. Yeah. They gotta let more women in.

Yeah, you guys. So like, we got fucked over on an objective and like, we were there way too long. And it was, what is that? What was the, so like, we were doing like a training mission up in like Southern California. How was this entertaining to people? I love army stories.

And like, I've never heard any quite like this. These are the, these are the ones that like, they don't want you to know about because they're all awful. Yeah. So it's making me glad that I pay for the army though. Like, oh, they're doing like penis games and stuff over there? Ah, that's fine. So, couple more trillion, what could it hurt?

So like, it was cold. We got notionally killed off, so they like take you and like, you have to like reset. And literally it was like- What did all that mean? So like, when you get killed off in training, you gotta go lay naked in a mask grave with a bunch of dudes. You're in like your uniform, but it's cold. You're dead, no, no.

You take your clothes off and you can't move and then your friends throw you onto another naked guy and wherever you happen to end up. That's where you went, no. So like when you get like in training when you get nocially killed, they just take you and you have to go reset at like a, oh like freeze tag, kind of, like a turn in point.

Okay, so what ends up happening is you don't have like a blanket or anything. So it'll be like six dudes like standing around like, I would really like to go to sleep. I've been up for two days and I haven't eaten anything. So you're like, all right, well, that's when the gay demons get you. That's when like, yes, when,

that's when like, pokes walk by and they're like, why are those six infantrymen laying on the ground inside of a hole snuggling each other? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha of joining the army. This is what you need to hear. Yeah. It's not worth $30,000 a year. You scared. You know what? Scared straight takes out a whole new meaning. Yeah. They're going to give you a story about a college paying for your college and valuable skills, but you're going to be in a hole in the Middle East, stuggling with other men. And having penises slapped into your face when you went. They never heard the penis has never touched you because that's a solid. No, they don never heard the penis has never touched you, because that's a salt.

No, they don't. The penis has never touched you. Not the penis though. No, you show it to them, you present it to them. But when you wake up, don't you like jerk, and that's why you gotta be standing far enough back that way they don't touch it. Yeah, they, and they probably put on the brakes

pretty quick too. Think about it, if you, sure mistakes have been made. Think about it, have you ever like driven a car or not wanted to hit something, you hit the brakes really hard. Yeah, I've made a couple of mistakes in those cars. Yeah, I mean, right. The army may not be the place for you. Russian roulette. All right. All right. Let me read. Let me read the Serotic Army story. The Dict Show presents. Now we've got a game dev following you from a real. Oh, what? A game dev. Game developer. Oh, okay. Yeah, he's an abbreviates today. It's an

abbreviate. Yeah, it's an abbreviate. T of D. Sean. Okay. This one's called support our troops. Narotic story. Hey, Dick, this is the same dickhead who rode in a few months ago about the girlfriend who treated sacks as a begrudging obligation. And what asked, do you want to come on the rare occasions she would tolerate? You remember that one? Yeah, I do. I do. I do. Since the breakup, I've been going hard at making up for lost sex and I have an erotic story for you. Back in December, I received a message from a nurse I used to work with. She was inviting me to an improv show where boyfriend was putting on, so naturally I ignored a few days later. She followed up and told me that she was hoping I would go

because she wanted to set me up with her fitness coach friend. You're both beautiful people and I think you'd have a lot of fun with her. I checked her out, I checked out her Facebook and she was right, the chick was 28. Same age as me, all sorts of fit and dumb. Yeah, perfect. Whoa, good combo. I show up the night of the show and see the nurse and her boyfriend. There's no sign of the fitness chick.

Instead, she has her hairdresser friend with her bait and switch. Who I haven't seen in probably five years. She's blonde tall, recently married and looking good. Her and I catch up a bit before the show talking about married life, her relocation in California, her navy husband. The show starts. Oh boy. You're in. The show starts and fitness gal is still nowhere to be seen. He's out snuggling in a bunk. The show itself. He's lonely. I guess. What's what's up with what's the gay situation when you're deployed? We had we had one gay soldier. Oh, that's got to be a nightmare. Well, you're the one gay soldier. Like, come on. He had a thing for Marines.

I'll wear them up. Well, he had a thing for Marines, he thought we were all ugly. Like, he'd like, all y'all ugly and have little dicks. Like, I'm not interested in y'all. Mm-hmm. Like, thanks, dude. Sal grapes.

Show itself is fine, I guess. The crowd is mostly geriatrics from the local nursing home or a drag, they're just, stay off death another night, but whatever. Intermission comes and I step out to get a diet coke and I see the nurse and the hairdresser talking. That's why I hear the hairdresser saying,

I don't know what this bitch's problem is, but if she doesn't show up, I'm gonna fuck him. The nurse eagerly. Wow, it's, do you know how good that guy felt? Right then. Just your ego would just explode, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah. The nurse, like, oh, anything else is a bonus, because I'm already going to get laid.

It's going to go home. Yeah. I don't even need to get laid. It's hearing a nice compliment from a woman. Yeah. Oh, that's better than this. The nurse eagerly agrees. And I start to reevaluate my goals for the evening, maybe within 20 minutes of the show, left this fitness chick shows up. We exchange a few words, but can't really chatter up since they're fat degenerates trying to perform on stage in front of us. The show comes to an end and the nurse

is still doing her best to facilitate things with her fitness friend. She invites the four of us, nurse, hairdresser, fitness, and this guy's got a chick version of the YMCA. Yeah. Out for drinks and the fitness retar to immediately declines, revealing that she left a beagle in her Prius in the dead of Seattle winter. She takes off.

I mean, Jesus Christ. Jesus. She drives a Prius. I think, yeah. Oh, the beagle, right. It's the beagle's Prius. He's like Snoopyus. I think, yeah. Oh, the Beagle, right. It's the Beagle's Prius. He's like Snoopy. Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, Snoopy, Snoopy has a pilot's license apparently. Doesn't he? Oh, he does? Well, because he's always fighting the red Baron. Yeah, yeah, you're right. His doghouse takes on Flax. We set up in the corner of a karaoke bar on Thursday night and we get to chatting within

20 minutes, the hairdresser is talking about her nipple piercings and how, quote, cock thirsty she has been since her husband is in Afghanistan. God. Those guys worried about that over there? Fuck yeah, they should be. Yep. How often do what's the chance if you leave, if you get deployed, what is the chance

you're getting cheated on on a scale of 99 to 100? Yeah, right. 120 of us deployed, roughly, 60 of us are getting divorces. Oh my God, that's 50%. Oh, were you all married or were there only 60 of you married? Uh, there was like 80 of us that were married. Jesus. Oh wow.

Jesus Christ. Of course. Good for America, bad for marriage. She says how frustrated she is that there's nothing she can do to satisfy that hunger. And I coily responded, oh that's a shame and rub her inner thigh under the table. What do you guys think of guys who do this to women

with soldiers and who are deployed? So their name is Jody. Whoever this dude is, his name is Jody. Dude, I got an email from you a long time ago. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Talking about the hundredth problem for the, he's like, dude, you gotta do a problem. Like, and he like, I'm pretty sure I know what you're talking about. Yeah, it's because you had to, you had suspected because I remember the name.

Yeah. Guys who, you're like, I was trying to fuck deploy two soldiers, two wives. Guys, wives in the army, their name's Jody. Like you just give him, like, it's one dude, his name's Jody, he's fucking your wife as soon as you leave. The female that's fucking your husband, if you're a female soldier, her name's Jane. Jody's a bad motherfucker.

The female who's fucking your, if you're like you're a female service member, and you have a husband, like Jane's fucking a mischievous you leave, equality. So the thing with Jody is Jody's a bad motherfucker. Jody knows when you're deploying, he knows when you're training. I didn't know there was one name for that.

Oh, Jody's out there. He knows. As soon as you get some information that you're leaving, Jody's already got that information. And he's... Candy Graham from mango. Oh, he's like, he knows where you like, he knows he knows where you live. He knows the wife's driving like he's gonna get you.

Yeah. He's ovulating. Jody knows all. Do they hate what, how do they feel about them? Uh, so you catch Jody, you beat his ass. Yeah. Like, so if you are Jody, like, and you figure it out, because I've been Jody once or twice, it happens.

Okay. So like, I would, I would go to the gaming. So like, I would think you would be a little bit of like, yeah, well, so like, I'll come back from the bar, you know, and I'm with this large woman and she somehow brought me home. I'm figuring out now very quickly like, okay, this is definitely a married woman's house.

So as soon as I feel like I'll do a little snooping after I've done the deed. How did you know it was a married woman's house? So there's a couple of things that'll either be immense. It is. Yeah. So it's like the other side ways to get in the front door. So that's how, oh, you must be married. It's one of those things like, if it's on post,

if a woman takes you on post, she's married. Fact. Wait, what's that mean? It's like on base. You have to have like a card to get on base. Oh, okay. So if she brings you back on base from the bar, and she's like, oh, I'm not married, I just, no, ladies.

I just live on the military base. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm hammered, I'm not retarded. Or like you go in there and like she like goes in first and tries to hide pictures like, okay, clearly. Like, hang on a minute. You know, I have no, she like didn't, I have a button for that.

Just hit it like quagmire and everything rotates. So what you do is as soon as you figure out, you've slept with some dudes wife, like do the right thing, get a piece of paper, dear guy, I fucked your wife, sorry, put it under the mattress on what you think is his side, he'll eventually find it. Or you put it in the toilet on the seat part.

So if he lifts it up to piss. Yeah, because she's doing it. Wow, that's pretty good. She's never going to lift it up. Thanks. I mean, unless she's one of those ones that cleans it. Well, I was I always think that yeah, there's like this weird meme of cheating on like seducing an army wife is so deplorable. Sounds like they seduce you. Well, but wouldn't it be army guys themselves who are mostly doing it because it's their buddy's friend?

Yeah, right? The guy that's currently fucking my wife, I'm almost positive. He's in the army. Like I'm pretty sure I know. It's probably that guy with the phone. The guy with the phone. Jodie is. It has to be.

So it's one of those things like, okay, yeah, this is- You might find yourself cuddling with him in a cuddle pile. No, he's a poke. So he'll live a good life. Okay, that's a shame and she rubs her inner thigh. She grins and bites her lip laughing nervously. A few minutes later, the nurse leaves for the bathroom and the hairdresser says that she can't fuck me tonight,

but she asks how I feel about making out in public. I mean, how do we feel? Okay, it's not. Making out with my dick. Public, yeah, I feel great about that. I don't give a fuck about weekday drinking, I don't give a fuck about weekday drinking redneck, seeing me fool around with some chicks.

I make out with her and grab a handful of titties. Can situation was oranges and being a tits man, that's pretty much a minimum requirement for me. The night continues on like this with me shooting her grins and brushing up against her whenever I get the opportunity. She so worked up that she's literally squirming in her seat, talking about how she likes getting choked and degraded. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

The nurse catches on and seems to be enjoying the show. Finally the hairdresser can't take it anymore and exclaims, this is so unfair! I just want to taste it. I grab her to tell her, I grab, I tell her to grab her shit and get up because we're going to her car. Nurse says to hold on a minute and ask to talk to me outside. We get outside and she tells me that she's fine with what's about to go on and says, don't tell anyone about this part and sticks her tongue in my mouth, feels my cock through my jeans. Now go fuck my friend. Wow. I take this chick to her car. At this point, she so worked up that she comes within a couple of minutes from grinding and rubbing her pussy through her yoga pants. This is the woman with the deployed husband, right?

I face fuck her. Choke her out and her every variation of whore I can think of. She's squealing with delight, calling me sir and daddy with minimal effort. She is getting off despite just being topless. I have zero shame. So my dick was out almost immediately. It's starting to get pretty raw. It started to get pretty raw after the first. So I take her pants off and get it in.

So I take her pants off and get it in. She says she can't tonight. So I work with what I have her face. This is where things get interesting. Oh, that was at this point. I look up and see the nurse through the window, holding her phone up, seemingly recording us. I'm cool with it.

So I pop the passenger door open and we let her hop in. This is when I hear an unfamiliar voice from the phone say, fuck yeah, own that dirty slut. And that moment I realized that her husband is on video chat. Oh Jesus. And loving what I was doing to his wife. I put on a hell of a show for those two and got that chick off a couple more times before finishing on her face. I walked away from that night with a sense of pride, knowing, and some vicarious way. I served our country that night. Some may call me a hero, but I'm just an average guy.

I just consider myself a legend, doing what I can to make the world a better place. Go fuck yourself. He's a wow. What a story. Let me find this outro. There we go. Whoa. You've been listening me find this outro. There we go. Whoa.

You've been listening to Mary's stories from real men. Is that believable to you? That's an absolute joke. Yeah. I told you, man, degenerates. Weird stuff happens sexually when you get when society breaks down. As soon as the new kind of sex breaks out, all right?

Okay, let me see if I've got the, let's see if I've got this dev on. Thank you for coming in, by the way, giving a very interesting taste that actually happens in the army. It's my, it's not, I wouldn't say it's the whole army, it's just my small corner of it.

Yeah, too, not enough to do. Yeah, like you said. It's not, I wouldn't say it's the whole army. It's just my small corner of it. Yeah. Toot not enough to do. Yeah. Like you said. It's believable. I believe that version of what's going on over there. It's a bunch at like 18 to 29 year old dudes, fucking around. Like what do you think's gonna happen? The sense you mentioned, hey Dick, since you mentioned it on the show, I'll follow up.

This was the guy who wrote in about there being a big push for diversity. And I said that's because your company's got money to burn. Oh, right, right. Right. Ask for a raise. I asked for a raise. I got a really fat bonus and a fat, I got a really fat raise and bonus. Cool. For a while, I felt bad. I didn't get hired for my merits, but after I listen to you talk about checking off the box and applications, I couldn't agree with you more. If just being something means I get leverage to move up,

then use it. You gotta use every advantage you have in life. Yeah, or use it or be cucked by people that do. Thanks, Dick. Yeah, that's why I think the MituShit's just gonna get worse. Because if you're a woman and you're not at least implying that somebody's sexually harassing you, you're giving up a competitive advantage

in the marketplace is very simple. Stephen Martzelman, hey buddy, I got a rage for you. You're giving up a competitive advantage in the marketplace. It's very simple. Stephen Martz, Mark Solomon, hey buddy, I got a rage for you. When any chick exclaims, this is my summer of saying yes. I thought it was no. They had a problem with it. I thought I was saying no. They had a problem with it. Go kill yourself, best friend Steve. Hamilton, hey Dick, I just wanted to write in with a big thank you to Hisoka, the Hamilton Dick. Long story short, I just got out of a four-year relationship. I had a ring ready to go and she kicked my heart and the ass. Greenland sounded nice this time a year, but I didn't book the trip. One of our favorite things to do, once the banging slowed to a grinding halt, was to belt the Hamilton soundtrack together while we were driving. Like the white folk do.

Thought I'd never enjoy Hamilton again, but his soka's parody was the first time I've listened to any Hamilton since we split. It was so well done, I laughed my ass off for the first time this month. Keep up the good work and go fuck yourself. Joe, not from Greenland. We're gonna do an advice. Sure. fuck yourself, Joe, not from Greenland. We're gonna do an advice? Sure. Some advice, let's see.

I'm gonna get the soldiers take on this too. Turbo feminist, giant tests asked me out on a date. Hey, Dick, asking for advice before my man brain makes stupid decisions. I'm a guy in his late 20s and I'm almost seven feet tall. Wow. Wow, this guy could be dead broke and still date any girl that he wanted.

Yeah, they owe him 63 grand, apparently. 63 grand, right? Isn't that crazy? Yeah, that it goes like it really, the attractiveness does just drop off of a cliff. Or it's 10, if you're a 10, if you're a nine, if you're in the top 80 and then zoop now pay me fuck you pay me it is ugly.

You're ugly. Yeah. Um, um, easily fixable though by saying you're a millionaire. Asking for advice before my man brain makes stupid decisions. I'm a guy in his late 20s and almost seven feet tall. As the title says there's a girl I know through colleagues and business, very attractive, great body, huge cans, abnormally tall.

However, this girl is also the head of diversity at a fairly large company in our area. I'm a traditional guy and I'm not interested in the world. In that world, they're getting into a relationship with someone who casually talks about white male privilege. Oh, God. Do you imagine there cannot be any less fun person to date? That, yeah.

Yeah, then somebody who's always got, you know, diversity and shit, like, I mean, just on the front of their mind, where it just informs every conversation, where it's, I mean, how could you ever just joke? How could you ever just joke around with somebody like that? I mean, I'm in two minds about this. I'll read the rest of it and then tell you what I think.

Because, I think you just get it all the time, wouldn't you? Well, you don't talk about audio engineering all the time. Like, I think that it is a legitimate business for a lot of people. Okay, well diversity. I don't, yeah. And humping it possibly so much to the point where they're giving presentations on it

and it is literally a job. But she is, that is her business, but I don't think it's a lot of people's business. Well, I'd be becoming that. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right, extremely, it's all I needed to hear. It's like if a band writes a song that's a hit and then eventually they don't want to play that hit anymore because they're sick of it.

Maybe that does happen to some diversity, whatever, what was this chick? Well she's ahead of diversity for a company. So that is a job. I mean, anything's got to be tiring to some, to everybody at some point. Yeah, but it sounds like he has already heard from her about white male privilege. So already it's like, you don't deserve anything you have. She's at work. Oh, I thought she was ahead of a conversation with him about that.

Oh, let me see. I don't know. I'll let you read more than one sentence before I get a traditional guy. Uh, yeah, she, no, it no, she gave a presentation on it. Oh. So work related. I mean, I could give a presentation on white male privilege. Yeah.

Doesn't mean I'm going to whisper it to you all when we're in the sack together, Sean. I guess you were wondering. Well. Extremely recently, this girl approached me and asked me if I would like to get dinner with her in a way that could not be perceived as any other way than it dates.

I have long suspected that she was into me. If not only because I'm one of the few men, she's ever met that is taller than her. I mean, you got her by the balls. If she's a very tall woman, she doesn't have a choice. Normally, I would reject a turbo feminist outright. However, as mentioned, she's very attractive and my penis got in the way.

Kind of torn here. On one hand, my brain says, dating a mega feminist is a dumb idea. On the other hand, I have never met a girl that is taller than my shoulder height and attractive. You don't have to marry or do it? Yeah, don't let politics get in the way of your dick. Like, why is he, he's taking it like to like serious relationship already. It sounds like. Yeah, guys do that. Because it's two, we're all trained

stalkers now. You can't just take things easy and get a little bit of a, get a little bit of a nut out, you know, that's all it's all every Every every bit of attention is a is a proposal. Okay. Now. Yeah, fucker. Look I think I think you know what I think he's secretly afraid that his magical dick is not the cure for her stupid politics Which if you know how to use your cock it is Let's be honest here. This is a learning moment for you. This is a challenge.

If you lay that pipe down properly, as you should, as a bigfoot, seven feet tall, you will fix all of her politics and one go. She'll walk in with RBG, with an RBG, with an RBG jersey on and walk out, talking about Reagan, Reagan in the sheets. Kagan on the streets, Reagan in the sheets.

Okay. Okay. Okay. That's the truth is that if you're that if you're a dick, if your dick cannot cure a feminist, then you've got no business using that dick, sir. Don't bullshit me with you're afraid of dating a mega feminist as a dumb idea.

That's a challenge. That's an, this is literally and figuratively an Everest for you to climb. So this is an Amazon that needs to be tamed. You don't let your brain outthink your dick in this case, which obviously wants what it wants. You have to tame this wild horse that God has put in front of you.

And let me know how it turns out. Don't let her win. My girl left me, dick, hey dick, I'm writing to you because my girl left me. We've been together for over two years and we're trying to start a family. Then suddenly she broke up with me a month ago. And is now with another love interest. I'm almost 36 and feeling completely demoralized.

The prospect of dating again is daunting. Right. Yeah. I've been hitting the gym, reading books, eating well, and seeing friends, but it's not enough. Bars are not my thing. And I'm stuck in the capital of progressives, Austin, Texas. Let's, you know, let's find though.

Chicks are naturally progressive. Like they just, they just are. It's not necessarily a bad thing. If they don't look, if a woman doesn't have a man, she's going to expect the government to be her man. That's the way they're wired. Now that shit changes, that shit changes when they get in a relationship. What the hell do I do now? I was ready to become a dad, and now I have to worry about dating. Any tips for an old fuck like me? Well shit. You're ready to, it seems

like being a dad was more important than finding a mom for your kids. Yeah. Maybe worry about that. There's that. I don't know man. That's it. That's tough. I mean, I get where he's at mentally. Yeah. It's always, there are guys who just want a family more than like they want. Yeah. A family. Yeah, for sure. But then they find themselves in this situation

where it's not working out. And I always think, well, I mean, like what do you, it's like you want a painting, but you don't want to learn how to paint. You know, you're skipping a lot of steps. And I sound like Dr. Phil. You're skipping a lot of steps in the family building process. Maybe start with a dog. All right, see if she's ready for a dog.

Mm-hmm. Or just get ready, get a franchise family. Find some, find some woman with a deployed husband, obviously be a Jody. They were there, they were ready to go. Apparently, all right, let me see if Yik is here. Yik man. Are you there? Hey, what's up? You can show on. Yeah. Hey, what should I call you? I never know if people want me to call them by their names. Yeah, my name is Andrew. So Andrew Allison, I use my real name because

I already dragged to the mud. So that's cool. Okay. Andrew hit me up a while ago saying asking if I wanted to record some lines to be in his video game. Oh yeah, yeah, I remember this fucking cool, right? And like usual, I fucked it up and put it off and kind of forgot and then got embarrassed about asking if it had been too long. Yeah, next thing you know, I see his game all over the internet for like a week or two. Yeah, I kind of exploded. What was it? What was the name of the game? I don't know if it's Y or Y2K. It's like you're not in a game. Yeah, it's called Y2K. So I saw it and reached out and I said, Hey, is there still time for me to get in this motherfucker? Yeah, yeah. Uh, go ahead, Andrew.

And there's always time for Dick. Dick is my personal hero next to crippled Jesus. Well, I had to make it happen. So, I got you in the game in like the third update of the game I put you in. So I'm in there now. Yeah, I got to play it then. It's on Switch.

Like, is it recorded lines? Was it a lot of lines? Yeah, I just recorded bullshit like NPC. Like, if you see me in town, do you know, can you tell what like area of the game I'm in? Oh, so I don't, it's, but what you unlock the third ending of the game, which is like super hidden,

people have to find you and get a red pill from Are you serious? Are you serious? This item. Yeah. You have to get the red pill from Dick Masterson serious? Are you serious? This item. Yeah. You have to get the red pill from Dick Masterson, but you have to trade aviators to Dick Masterson to get the red pill. Oh my god, that's fun.

As of now, it's hidden, but I can tell people that Dick Masterson appears in chapter four. Chapter four, okay. I'm going to download this game and try to burn through it just so I can get to chapter 4. It was really cool. The idea of being able to sit down with this cool little Irishman and like, look, there's, you know, I mean, I okay, well, that's been using a name. That's not mine. Don't look it up. Yeah, so hey, the game, the game fuck you've done. It's on steam. It's on PS4. It's on Nintendo Switch. So you can pretty much play it anywhere, but

because this is 2019, we're not allowed to have nice things. There's way more story than here is a guy who made a video game. Well, this was, it was a little bit of a roller coaster because the game comes out and I'm happy for the guy like, I was shocked that it was on all these systems. Like when people say indie game, I think, oh, I can download it at like video games.virus. And then exactly play it on my fucking TI-85. Like I still think it's cool, but when I saw it come out on Switch and all this other stuff, it was impressive.

Like it had a huge launch. Yeah, it did. And the game, the game has done pretty decently for us financially. It was, um, it made its money back in the first week, um, which is pretty great because we spent four years making the thing. So you can imagine how long it takes to recoup or years worth of burn. What did it take? What does it take to sell a game? Like video games to me are, they're like, they've taken over the idea

of writing the American novel. Like that's like a boomer. A boomer dream was like, I'm gonna write the Great American novel. Like, but everybody are age or a lot of people are age, they think about what would be the greatest like American video game. Like that's what I wanna make is the next

great American video game. Even my nephew, you can talk to him about what would you want in a game. It's something you, that's where the zeitgeist is. For you to do it is really cool. What does it take to bring a game from nothing to market? Well, the biggest thing is you have to have the technical capabilities. You have to build a 3D model and program and design levels. And then if you have that covered, then it's just a matter of getting the game in front of people. So we essentially do like year-long tours where we do basically a convention in a different city or state like every other month. Yeah.

You know, we showed the game in Tokyo, we showed the game in Germany. And this is after you already made it. This is while we're making the game. Okay. Because if people, if people only find out about the game while you're making it, you're, after it's released, you're fucked. Yeah. You have basically the first week to make your money back and build an audience.

It's never going to happen. It's got a hit or it doesn't. Wow. That would bankroll that. It's one thing to have an idea for a game and to be able to do it, but it seems like you're on my TV. When I turned on my Switch, you're on the fucking TV. How the hell did you guys do that?

Well, we were fortunate enough that Nintendo representatives played the game when we were showing it at conventions and they're like, oh, this game is really cool. It really resonated with them. And then people from Sony played our demo and they really got it. So they asked us to bring the game to their platform. And you put Dick Masterson in your game, you idiot. No, no, no, no. Why did you get that?

It gets even better. It gets even better. It's only a matter of time before you're fucking homeless. Yeah. Well, that's already happened. Tell us what happened. No fucking well. Yeah, what happened after it came out?

It's great. It's great. So the game comes out January 17th. Uh-huh. I wake up the January 16th. I'm taking a flight to San Antonio to show the game at Pac South, which is a pretty big game convention. I'm feeling good. I saw early reviews. People seem to like the game. So I wake up. The embargo goes up like two hours before my flight. I see a 9.0 from IGN Greece fantastic score. I see an 8.5 from Nintendo life. I'm seeing like all these great scores from Europe and South America. I get on my flight. I get

to the connecting flight. God. And like, I was a Connecticut or something and arrested and the arrested rates beach. Come up. Yeah. What's that? And you were arrested for hate speech on your connect flight almost immediately. Because in the game, we made the mistake of asking the player, what name did your parents give you? And it turns out that that is a very offensive question.

Okay. Because some people are trans and they don't use the name, their parents gave them. So immediately the game is, it's like the untouchable. It's like the untouchable. Wait, what's about, what's the untouchables? What do you mean? When Conry is grilling, what's the name? Andy Garcia.

Yeah. You know, because he knows he's Italian, but he's like, what was it before you changed it? Oh, you know, honestly, just like he pulls out against like, I like this guy. Right? Because you ask what name, like a cute way to ask somebody their names, because every, which I do hate, how video games work in, like the first person you encounter will go like, Oh, yeah, I'm so hung over that I forgot your name. And then you'll get a box to put in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we were, we wanted to basically like create a character based off of the player in the game. So we were, first and we asked you, like are you a boy or girl, what's your name? And people were so bent out of shape over this. And like, look, I'm sympathetic to trans people. I understand why it upset them. But the problem was when we apologize,

that wasn't good enough. People then took it and said, what else can we find in this game to prove that it's offensive? So there is such a small amount of people too. Why? Like such a small amount of people who would be offended. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not that trans people who are offended. Who, anybody who would be offended of people who would be people. No, no, no, I mean, no, no, no, not that trans people who are offended who anybody who would be offended

Anybody who would be offended seems like they've already got enough games. They don't need they don't need and they don't need video games catering to them Because their entire life is a game when the fucking dude went off about fucking tailwags the dog. It is bad news Yeah, absolutely right about that. So what happens next is in the game, the main character is a ginger. So someone calls him a ginger and he says, hey, careful with that. That's our work. And people were so undivided. Yeah, you're just, it's just like slavery. You have the same scars as those who were enslaved for a few hundred years. Well, exactly.

God damn it. None of this stuff actually stuck. It wasn't until somebody realized, I'm gonna give a quick synopsis game, real quick. Okay. So you play as this guy, Alex, you just come home from, you're an entitled asshole. You get points for stomping queers as I understand it.

That's the game, right? You go around and give a gaysr. That's fabulous. I's everything I said a little gay are in the corner and it points you to the nearest homosexual and then you go you know hammer acts it's it's it's yeah it's a hack and slide if you buy the game they send you a special late a special overlay that you can put on your controller that turns all the the buttons into K so it's not a a, it's just K, K and K. Just K, exactly, exactly. Okay, keep going. The game follows this guy, Alex, he comes home from, and through a series of strange events, he ends up becoming

obsessed with this girl who disappears from an elevator. Okay. And the game is like the one in downtown LA. What? Yes. Yeah. You ended up ended up dead in the water tank on top. Yes. What happened? I don't know anything about that. What happened? Okay. There was a there was a girl, Alyssa Lam, who she had, she somehow had some sort of mental breakdown inside of an elevator, and then was found dead inside of a hotel's water tower locked in and in the outside. And she had to go through a bunch of different locks. So it was obviously a murder, but the police being completely confident of her and the elevator. They pulled it as a way way way way way way.

What happened in the elevator? Sean, there's the door is opening. She's like on, she's like afraid to walk out in the lobby or like she's like looking, she peers out of the elevator and then gets in and like someone's there. And then like looks down the other way and like, that's the, she thinks her murderer is there. She thinks she's acting very, very paranoid.

Wow. Okay. And then the water started to taste funny in the hotel. What do you mean? And the body was in the tank. Oh, yeah. The gross. So because this event inspired the mystery of the game,

people said that we were profiteering off of the death of an innocent woman and that we were fetishizing basically Asian women who have gone missing. That's every law and order episode pulled from the headlines. I was gonna say, at some point, they're gonna accuse the police of profiting from violence. These cops are profiting from rapes and murders.

Well, you know, I mean, a lot of them did for a while too. I mean, they'd been at a winks to their houses. The thing was, I was very obsessed with the death and sort of strange stuff surrounding Alyssa Lam. I thought it was tragic how people were spinning the story that here's this woman who vanished and they only talked about the story because people drank water that her dead body was in. And I was thinking, well, what are, I'm on a message board. Here are all these people. We're all trying to figure out what happened, what if I made a game where the main cast was obsessed with a similar story and explore the types of people who

sort of put off growing up and getting real jobs and all they do is play internet detective all day. Maybe you saw the mystery. Yeah, that sounds interesting. And that's like what the game's about. And then it gets way more surreal. Like the whole thing is basically a DMT trip. But the start of the game, you know, opens up with Alex meeting this girl and her being pulled from this elevator. Okay. And then, you know, this, people tried to make that stick. And then people

started to dehumanize us. And people were like, oh, we'll fuck this game. I'm gonna give it away for free on my discord. So, you're right, I saw that too. Yeah, and it's like, look, I'm not EA. We're a team of essentially two people who made this game, me and my brother, and you're giving this game out for free just so you can what have this awesome hate boner about how just you're given this game out for free, just so you can what have this awesome hate boner about how just you're being because our game

somehow is profiting off the death of a person, the game is not directly about. It's another form of job, Linchma. It's only about our time before these people start getting killed. It's really weird though. Like seeing them go after your game for being very innocuous. Like there was, you don't, you don't have any kind of association with bad people.

Like it's, it's, I don't, I mean, honestly, man, like all I do, I make, I make video games. And it's all have done since 2012 and nothing I've done has ever offended people. I'm just looking to make fun games. Well, get used to the age of everybody being offended all the time or a very small number of people being offended all the time. It reminds me of, I have this weird feeling. So my dad, when I was a teenager, my dad got into franchising McDonald's. That's what he did.

That was his business. Nice. He's retired now. But he got into that. That's how I ended up what he did. That was his business. Nice. He's retired now, but he got into that. That's how I ended up in California, because I mean, it's a whole, he's an incredible businessman. And that's what he did in his 40s, I guess. It wasn't when I was a kid, it was when I was a teenager.

He probably like late 30s into his 40s, right? Yeah, and it means the way it's set up, like the way fast food, a lot of fast food is set up is a person takes all the risk of opening up the they get to license the brand essentially subway or whatever. They take all the risk on themselves. They get alone from the bank and they set up shop and they pay the corporation a fee for being able to use like for everything. And that's more complicated than that.

But people would call in all the time, trying to shake him down. You can go, this happened to me. What are you gonna give me for it? Like, what do I get? What do I get for this? I like, I felt like I got sick after eating your McDonald's. What's in it for me?

Like I'm gonna sue you for whatever. And every time he's had to explain to them, this is a guy you're talking to. You're not talking to a big corporation. Like to you, you think you're dealing with a cloud that money reigns out of, but you're just talking to another person. Like it feels, I get the same feeling when I saw everybody piling on this game.

It's like, you're not attacking a magical cloud of video games that is full of money that's going to start raining on down on. You're attacking a guy. It's just a guy who's using whatever, working in the system to try and make you a game. But it was a weird feeling seeing it happen to him. It was very strange because once they try one tactic and it doesn't, they try something else. So in our game, we have a cemetery where we have an homage to Iwata,

who was the CEO of Nintendo, who passed away while we were making the game. Oh, yeah. And during the development of the game, we're dealing with my mother was dying of cancer and she passed away like a year and a half before the game came out. Yeah. And we're like making the game with her in the room while she's dying, trying to show her some stuff from the game.

And we thought, oh, it would be a really good idea if we put a memorial to this guy who's dying of the same thing as my mother, who's like a personal hero. So people start tweeting at Nintendo saying, you guys have to take this game down because it insults the memory of Iwata. So, of course, it's very simple.

I'm gonna put a fuck on these feet. That's just, that course it's very simple. Man, you just fuck are these people. That's just, that was my question. Yeah, it's people who, they can't create anything themselves. So they just like to destroy shit. I told them, when I was shit faced on monthly show, I said, we're going to make a new, it's fine, you guys can regulate, you can censor this internet to shit. We're going to make a new one and it's going to, it's going to be so complicated that it will make you feel stupid for every second that you're using it.

It's not going to be, it's not going to be put a CD-ROM disc and get online in one, two, three. It's going to say put in, put in everything that you make a list of everything you've fucked up in your life and we'll review it and if we think that you're being honest, we'll let you online. It's going to be room 101. That the entire, your entire experience, experience, every click will make you feel stupid. That's the new internet. That's why Bitcoin is so fucking great. Because people don't understand it and they can't. We finally get to look at like you're booming, exploding, money's raining out of the sky.

And you can finally look at someone and say, you don't understand Bitcoin and you fucking can't. That's why you're not getting in on it. You dumb mother fucker. Go back to, go back to TMZ. Better luck next time. We finally invented something to outthink you. Anyway, where are you standing?

I think that's a great point, but now, Dick, you know how this goes, right? You do something that offends some people. So what comes next? Disavowals. Oh Nintendo disavow you know Hazard back Nintendo. Thank God they they liked the memorial. They said it was sweet Nintendo and Sony have say God Japan is running this shit and not the US Thank God I completely agree Well, it's funny.

Our game launched in Japan two weeks later, not a single person was offended by it. And our sales were way better in Japan. Because they don't have, they don't have, they don't have as many people who are completely retarded. Like we do in America. You can say that. You can't, but it's your show.

So we have way too many people who are overeducated and dumb. And they're, they're, they're, they're school highly educated. They're life's stupid as shit. And they're themselves stupid. Like it's the same thing. Well, they're always bragging about how IQs of Republicans are low. Yeah, are like the IQs of the South are low. Yeah, okay.

Well, you're promoting the exact same You're promoting the science that is gonna end with you at the end of the road Like I hope I hope you at least realize that while you're telling everyone how stupid they are You're admitting that you are stupid Sorry, what did you what did you say Andrew? I said they're promoting the same shit that Hitler promoted as soon as they get into the race. It's IQ. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So basically, people start attacking the game. Game developers, who I've known for a very long time, and I've been doing game developments in 2011. And they start disavowing the game. They start disinself-sufferingsuffering people who tweet about the game and and even contributed to it start deleting their tweets and i'm like guys you all play the game you know this isn't true so

okay so now here here's here's the real kicker people don't know people don't know which side is supposed to hate the game. They don't know if it's the left or the right because a lot of the right is looking at the game going, oh, this main character hipster, this is clearly an SJW game. And then the left is looking at the game. I've seen people say man is too, is too how to are normative, you know, we should hate the game. So then like where I expect it all to hate to come from like like the horseshoe dick horseshoe. It's a shit pile.

It's a shit pile. See it is everybody. I mean I put that in at the beginning. My horse shit theory of politics. It's not horseshoe. It's horse shit where all the sides are all touching each other and they're all they're all awful. I do like that. So far the left that pop out the right, etc. So in the end, it turns out like, you know, some users on 4chan are pretty big fans of the game

that they understood we were going for. And we completely lose. You say 4chan. Yeah. They're great. So I was pretty surprised about, about who ended up liking the game. Like I didn't think the game is very political, but it turns out everything's political in 29. Oh, they, they attribute all the kinds of things to fucking music writers, attributing things to the, the, the, the writers never intended. What do you mean? I've talked to, no, like it's, this is what people, they read into things all the time. And it's rarely as complex as,

oh, this is a social commentary on the, on the, you know, inequalities. No, it rhymed. That's what happened. It's some words that they used because they rhymed. Oh yeah. I would love to see the same outrage like if, if technology was thrown back 20 years, see Mario come out of Donkey Kong.

If don't, oh Jesus God, if Donkey Kong was released today, it's my Donkey Kong. You come on. Oh, okay, so actually I've got a thing I prepared about this. Yeah, okay. Okay, my mistake was thinking that video games are art. I want to make a game about a guy who's like a piece of shit, unlikeable character who by the end of the game

has to transform. But too many gamers, when they look at this, when they play a game, they're so used to having to identify with the character that if they play a game where the main character is unlikeable or has to do some bad stuff, they immediately get triggered by it. So the thing is games aren't art. They immediately get triggered by it. So the thing is games aren't art.

They're toys for children, and it's considered a bad form to talk about anything meaningful or impactful or thought provoking. Yeah. I was trying to make basically the video game version of a Chuck Polynick novel or a Haruki Mirakami novel. And... I'm saying, bishis.

Yeah, right? Try and do something with something a little different, you know. And it turns out everyone just wants like I and Randy and written characters where like the main villain is like Wesley Mooch. So every what you immediately feel about each character. I don't get that reference. Well, that's you just made that name up, right? Oh, no, Wesley Mooch is a character from an I and ran.

Oh, wait, really? Yeah. And you're supposed to feel no Wesley Mooch is a character from an iron ran off. Oh wait, really? Yeah, and you're supposed to feel like the mood because it's like, you know, she's like extreme, yeah, you know, she's extreme right? She's extreme capitalist, right? Yes, yes, yes, to the right. I just thought Mooch was like a made-up name because I know other, you know, now keep going. Ignore this aside. Yeah, so the thing was like when you make an unlikeable character, people expect Sherlock Holmes or Dr. House. They they want flawed heroes, but only to the extent that they're beautiful and intelligent and slightly as pergory. But though they

manage to be dicks to everyone and they get away with it because they bring some sort of the vauntism that saves the world. Yeah, so if you make a character who's just like some hips are obsessed with the paranormal Hasn't grown up yet and treats his friends like shit People immediately feel Process this yeah, but if you put it in a novel people people get it in a novel, but in gamers aren't you know I'm just gonna say though This is not to say that my game is above any criticism like I know my game has problems. It's not perfect It's my first 3D game I ever made. I did I did read that a lot of people were very harsh

Some of the reviews were very I know I know harmful opinions didn't I think he didn't have a good time playing I saw he that he was playing it. Did you see any of the really that's funny? I didn't see that now. I see that now Well, my new thing is I'm talking on discord. I hated the game. Yeah, and I'm just like talking to them about it It's really interesting to see Their opinion change a little bit once they see kind of like the thought behind it. Hmm Yeah, it's interesting. I don't know how I don't even know how to judge games anymore. Like I had a, I had a good time playing Red Dead Redemption. I think I don't even know to be honest. But it also made you mad though, because there was a lot of story and there was a lot

of horse petting. Well, but his horse died and he cried. I did cry that my horse died. It was good. It had a lot of, it had a lot of impactful moments, but there was so much time, there was so much time wasting that took me out of it. Like I never get, I don't really get taken out of playing Super Mario Brothers. Yeah, but, but Dick, think about it this way. You are an adult with, with two jobs. You run, you run a relatively large podcast. I thought he was going to say you run. Those games are made for kids.

Yeah. You're made for people who have time to burn. I guess that's true. I guess that's true. I guess that's true. I think that's why you make sense, you know, for you to enjoy it. I probably would have the same criticism as of every game I liked as a kid. Like Final Fantasy, those unbearable cutscenes and

Real quick. I need to real list of things that disavow so I don't lose my place Yeah, go ahead Disadvile white ethno states. Okay. I Disadvile black ethno states any sort of ethno state. So it's bad. Okay. I disavowed Israel about black ethno states, any sort of ethno states, those are bad. Okay. I disavow your disavowing Israel. Okay. I just like that. I just like that.

I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that.

I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. I just like that. This is about Android, platforming, MD platforming, and Maddox's original book.

Oh good. Okay. Yeah, that's good. Because now, that's about that. It doesn't hold up, does it? Doesn't hold up, but man, well, not in today's day and age. Hold up, really well.

No, thank you, does, because I actually meant it. Well, do you, did, you got anything that makes you a rage? I mean, this whole thing sounds like, I do. I do. Are you gonna make a second game or are you gonna get to be able to make a second game? Do you, did, you got anything that makes you a rage? Me, this whole thing sounds like, what's the, I do, are you gonna make a second game or are you gonna get to be able to make a second game? Oh, yeah, definitely gonna be able to make a second game.

The game's sold well enough that I can just take them. It's really cool, man, like Sean, imagine that you got to make, like that you legit made a music album distributed by capital, like it's in the warehouse, but that's the big, yeah, like that's what this guy did. This guy did. No, I know, and people want to, people want to crush it under their boot heels.

Yeah. Well, there's digging for things to be pissed off about. It's a big accomplishment. That's cool. Yeah. Good to know. So before I do my rage, I just want to let everyone update coming to the Nintendo Switch version

that cuts the load times in half. It makes the battles go faster. And basically, all the criticism that we got in review is I fixed. And this patch is going to have it. Cool. So that should be out next week. And my rage is people who, when they come over my house,

they insist on moving in for like the two hours they're there, they empty their pockets, they somehow, they're like, I was in fucking game, some might table, they've got 30 fucking chargers and somehow it takes them longer to leave than the time that they were there because they have to call a fucking moving van to move all the shit that they brought to my house I don't even know how they had it on their purse. They're a person like there's some fucking Mary Poppins or Doctor Who Just pulling all this loads of equipment that they're somehow Feeling my fucking house with

Really fucking makes me rage coach does that when he comes over he's got about 20 He's like a Vishnu or he just pulling, keeps pulling shit out of his pockets. He's got multiple chargers always, he's got a beeper. He's never thrown away a piece of technology. Got six. Sometimes. Sometimes you need that weird proprietary USB cable. You can't find it.

He really does it. He's that little crimamped piece of shit. Like, he's the only one that who's ever done that. And it's, I've never, I've never realized how strange it is that no one else who comes over to my house needs to like unpack a suitcase of stuff and make it crazy. Like, if one guy came over my house the other day

and he pulled that seven different eye locks. How many eye locks do you need to have on you? Only Sean probably is going to know when an eye lock is. Yeah, but it's a dongle. Yeah, it's a dongle. It holds digital licenses. Yeah, for some reason. Yeah, his US is USB hard drive. He's pulling out.

He's got a calendar. He's got a mysterious role of a mysterious black film role. It probably has weed in it. There's a lot of black canister. I'm like, canister. Yeah, I'm like, canister. Yeah. He's got a pipe.

She's got another voice. She's got another voice. How long have you, why are you, when did your pants turn into a purse that you have stuff in your pockets? Coach, coach one time, this is how, I have have ever told this, we were at a bar. We had gone to a shooting range that day. We went to a bar afterwards and I was talking to, we were talking to a bunch of chicks of the bar back in Hollywood where he used to live like seven years ago.

And yeah, we're having a good time. Hey, check out my hand. I got G.S.R on it. Yeah, turn you on. Yeah, you like that? No, not at all, definitely. So we get up from the bar and bullet casings just rain out of coaches pants. Not one or two, but like 12. Like so much is like, chaching, chaching, chaching, it was like a scene out of the matrix

where you're just shooting as a, shells pouring out. I'm thinking, what's going on in your pants that you're losing weapon that you're losing shell casings. You were at my house all day. How are these still in your pants? All right, weird. Wow. Okay. So before I go, I'm going to give some links for people. Yeah. Okay. So Y2KRPG.com, that's YIIKRPG.com, like the Roman through. Our Twitter is at ACKK Studios. Wait, say it slower.

Say it slower. Say it slower, say it like a song. 1, 8, 7, 7, 7, cars for kids, right? I love that gym. YIIKRPG.com, okay. Correct. And then the Twitter is at ACKK Studios. Okay.

And that's where we post most of our updates about the game. We respond to criticism. If you tell us something is shit in the game, like, if it's not like a bullshit opinion, we will fix it. Like we're all about improving our, in the game, like, if it's not like a bullshit opinion, we will fix it. Like we're all about improving our, improving our art and moving forward.

So, I mean, it's great, dude. Like, even if people shit on it, like it's really, it's very impressive that you are, that you made a game. Like, and that it's on the fucking TV. Fucking cool, man. There's no other way to say it. And you probably a lot of people are envious.

No shit. Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely. And tearing down games and projects who are not associated with like a major brand. You don't have tons of money behind them. It's probably more profitable because you will actually respond to them.

Like that's tearing down colloduity or whatever. It's very important when you're in a, when you're in the negative economy, which creates anti-value by devaluing and tearing down, it's important to find a niche market within that economy. So you're true. And you're ripe for it. I don't, I haven't played the game. I don't know if it's good. People are going to love it and hate it either way, though. It's exactly what I'm about. It's a fucking

RPG. Like what do you, what do you want? You know what this is what it is? With, you know, I don't know. One last thing is we have a physical version on the game going out. So if you are not into digital games in about three months, you can buy the game physically and it will have like all the final updates that polish out all the bugs and stuff people complained about just on the physical disk. Well, I am definitely going to get it. I'm in chapter four. I got to go find me.

I'm not doing any weird stuff. Like I don't get to burkylosis or anything or get cut off with a bunch of other men. So I was going to find aviators to trade to you. Okay, all right. So you lost your aviators. And actually real quick, one quick question, Dick. I'm gonna go back to the short hair Dick Masterson

who saw in Dr. Phil. I mean, I love the long locks, but yes, because I'm tired of pulling hair out of my ass crack in the shower. Oh, yeah, Sean squinting because you have no idea what that's like, but it's you mean because it's when it comes out and then and then slithers down and that's where it likes to hold up. Okay. I see. Yeah, eventually, yeah, but I gotta, I don't know, not yet. Not yet, because everybody says don't do it.

I imagine I'll start losing my hair severely at some point, and my sister will sit me down and say, you look like a guitar teacher. You need to shave your butt. Yeah. The skull it is not becoming a skull it. Yeah. Yeah. All right, man. Thanks for calling in. Yeah. Good job. Having me. Hopefully you guys do another East Coast road rage. I was at a I was at the one in Philadelphia. So I was great. Cool. Yeah. That was great. All right. Thanks, Dick. Thanks, Sean. And get

Lacey back on the show. Where's she? I got a job on Sundays. So she can't come in. She's the only, she's literally the only reliable woman in LA. Well, is Jamie ever coming back on because I miss Jamie's weird voice. I don't know. She also has a crazy job. So I mean, she's doing great. It's good. She's like running. That's wonderful. Yeah. Well, hopefully we get a new news, babe.

I love you guys. Goodbye, Dick. Goodbye, Sean. Thanks for making great content. I'll talk to you guys. That's the point in my life, I'm sure. Yeah. See you.

See you, man. That's cool. I get the first person to find me in the game. It gets a t-shirt. Wow. How about that? That's a very generous. I mean, person to find me in the game. It gets a t-shirt. Wow. How about that? That's very generous. I mean, I know you're all about incentives. Oh yeah. I hope I hope Astero's is still down to sell me his debt even after him being so such a hot pain

is about his life choices. No. It's upsetting though. I mean, I think you're being honest. See what he's doing and I see the way he looks at things and I just this I think it's upsetting though. I mean, I think you're being honest. See what he's doing, and I see the way he looks at things, and I just, I think it's going to result in, it's, yeah. You don't want, you don't want it to result in bad things. Yeah. So it's a good, it's kind of a good place. If you just tweaked your understanding a little bit, like, things will work out for you. If you're in something that you can't, you're gonna have to, sometimes you're gonna have to figure it out on your own. If indeed that's,

if you even need to figure it out. Right. Well, everybody, this has been the Dix show. There's a ton of people in here. I wanna give everybody a chance to tell me what makes them a rage and get on the show if you want to. We'll do it after the credits though, because I know I heard a lot of screaming last night

and I was laughing, I was laughing at a couple of people's rages. Mike Hancho, thank you for coming in. Thank you for protecting them. Thank you for protecting my freedoms. Yeah. And I rack by cuddling with men and playing penis games. Thank you for your tax dollar support to slug ol' girl, Ben. And I can't tell you how deeply I appreciate you

Thank you to the entire arm surface and the arm yeah, the entire arm courses for freeing up women back home Yeah, that's right. What would it be inappropriate for me to salute you? I am gonna make an amendment to my thousand dollar cripple Jesus fight. Okay, it'll be a kickboxing match cripple Jesus fight okay uh it'll be a kickboxing match oh my god so that way I don't have to I thought about it you're right that would be rude to do MMA against you better be careful he could put some pneumatic pumps on those kicks and really come at you that motherfucker's gonna look like a Mary and Ed swing it out like a helicopter he's got nothing going on down there I'm very in that, swingin' out, like a helicopter. He's got nothin' goin' on down there. I'm talkin' about Digi Bro. He's gonna fight Digi Bro.

No, it's much funnier, I'm sorry. I'm crippled Jesus' champion. Oh good. Yeah. You're gonna kickbox Digi Bro? I'll fight. Where's a robe? That thing's gonna come, oh you're immune to penis treatment

against, so. It's a superpower. I'll fight Digi Bro, but as naked, I'm not worried about it. A thousand bucks though. I will put a thousand dollars if DigiPro can make it three rounds, kickboxing, boxing, or MMA with. No, you can't do three rounds.

He's got just to show up. Just to show up. Just to show up. But then he can throw in the towel right away. You're right, that doesn't make sense. So if he just shows up, then he needs to be able to at least stagger me. Three rounds is a lot.

Two, three one minute rounds. And that's a lot. That's a lot of effort. Oh, he's not going to get past the sketch before I get. I'm fucking snuggled the shit out of him. Yeah. Yeah, what if he just want, what if he challenges you for a thousand bucks to

out snuggle him and a snuggling fight? A blanket fight with two men in a bed, a bed, whoever wakes up with the blanket wins. I'll win that too. Look, I'm a natural born winner. Like I'll beat, did you bro? Like I'm not gonna lose to a pet of mile. Did you shake Trump's hand? I gave him a hug.

Whoa. Did he give you an affirmative nod? Well, my friend gave him a hug. Oh, he got an affirmative nod. He got a affirmative nod. He got at the end of it, he was like, Mr. President, you keep America great, and he looked back and gave him like a,

you keep America great, and it was probably the best day of that dude's life. Whoa. His nods are something else. It changes your life. Yeah. That dude's dick grew two inches. Yeah, so it's like, I did.

It's like a full five now. I did feel that way. I'm gonna wear the sign half for the rest of the day. Thank you for coming in. This is the Dixiel, Dixiel patreon.com slash the Dixiel. Jesus, I didn't even talk about a new project too, which I'm making payments off of. I'll talk about it later.

I'm not ready to drop that one yet. We're gonna go around the room. Everybody's gonna tell me what makes them rage after this. This is, this is Kendall and Hyde. Oh boy. Last week's, whoo. Last week's the second grade.

Yeah, I'm still recovering from that one. This is Say Youll Stack Chairs. Do you remember that chick with the huge cans in Portland? Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, those weren't too big for you, Sean. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those weren't too big for you, Sean.

No. Okay. Good. This is say you'll stack the tall blonde. No, she had like pink hair. Sorry. Oh, that one. Yeah.

Yeah, vaguely. That's just one of the people who worked at the venue. Who was like, yeah, she worked at the venue. Who do you talk to? Oh, there's some smoking. There was some smoking check there. There was hotbrods all over Portland. Yeah, what are we doing here? I don't know moved to Portland say you'll stack chairs Kendall and hide wrote this for her

I think for his for the anniversary because last year it was it was about last year this time that we did Portland remember that here you go See next Tuesday Happy anniversary honey Here's to another year of us being perfect together. Which God. Say you'll fetch air. Cheers! Last year, when we had this conversation, you decided we could date. Hey! Now it's our one year anniversary, well almost babe, I'm just one day late Put the camera thought about your tips today. Now you tell me that you're calling the cops and I've wanted by police in your state This year I'm going to make it clear to you. There's no way that Ken doll is insane

I'm going to make you fucking walk me It is, it takes me years Girl, you can't come live with me I'll just constantly sit and stare Sit and stare All that I want from you And say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say If you put two and two together you will end up with a nice stack of four. That's a gun. If you can't work this equation that's okay because Matt's not what you're here for.

Oh my god babe you just dropped something. Drop something Way down low right there No more eye Follow you every gate From the shadows hey Cause I care Yeah I care What makes my balls real blue Our screenshots of you

Stacking chairs Hey can't follow You make a-year-old chickly bit and find out where she lives. And then you flip up, hit through the window, take note who she knows what she thinks where she goes. It didn't expect her to send a detailed letter, or maybe an email. Yeah, that'd be better. How long should a few go? A hundred lines. From takeout to makeout in no time.

Yeah, yeah. No, you don't want to make out in all time. Yeah. So you take out to make out. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. There's the Patreon.com slash Kendall and hide. Kendall in hide, Kendall in hide to hear the whole thing.

Eric Wong, Mr. Eric Wong. See everybody say your name and tell me what makes you rage. You're up, buddy. What do you got? Eric Wong, my rage say your name and tell me what makes you rage, you're up buddy. What do you mean? Eric Wong, my rage is Irish pubs. Okay. They always have bad live acoustic music. Yeah, they really do.

Oh, he's in people. Not in Ireland, they don't. They got great shit in Ireland. You know why? Because every other Irish pub that's not in Ireland is like a franchise version of that one. Yeah, right. It's like a TGI Friday.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. The bad live acoustic music, the guy can never sing, they always have tacky lighting, tacky decorations, like fake brick day cores, and vines and fake plants. They did have vines. Right.

There's always like 28 light up Guinness signs all over the place, like Guinness is the only thing in the Irish I don't know. Yeah, like did you guys know that Guinness beer is Irish and you're in an Irish pub? They're really towing the line. I want acceptable for authenticity subtlety It's a copy of a copy of a copy and pretty soon. I'm sitting in a TGI Fridays. That's painted green exactly I used to I'm I, I say I like going here, but I'm sitting in a Disneyland bar. Great ideas get Americanized and fucked up.

And then other Americans, Americanized them. Right, so it's like playing telephone, but yeah, it's just a shit of fun. Speaking of subtlety, these Irish pubs all have the best names in the world. It's always rosy-o tools or Connor McCreedy's or Finnegan-Mickigan's bag. Yeah, Barry McCock and her.

Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, we get it. You're Irish, you're an uncontrollable whino. Like, don't play to the stereotype, man. Irish pubs. Yeah. Fucking hate. Drunkie McWife beatos. That'd be a fun one. We were talking about Floyd Mayweather. All right.

Must be like Irish. Very good. I guess everybody gets on the board this week. It's gonna be a big board. All right. This is Andrew Garm. My range is fucking guys with accents. Fucking guys with accent. Just guys with accent. Because fucking guys with accent. So my my boss quite. We, we, we, we. So my boss and my coworker are both from the UK, and every time we're in bars hanging out and drinking, and we're talking to hot chicks and stuff, they're like,

they're fucking girls approach them, or like I'm talking to a hot chick and my coworker comes and he has this fucking accent, and I just, you get like two extra points of attract in this, just be there from the fucking unit. I just fake my accent. Yeah, I don't think that's good. What accent do they, you can always one fake my accent. Yeah. What accent do they you can always one up an accent like a bear British you could be French

if they're French you could be Russian. They're Russian you could be Australian. What's beats an Australian accent? I wish. Oh, yeah, you're clicking and don't. Oh, you're from Zammudal, the sudden. Yeah, my friends coming to find my wife. and don't hang on. Oh, you're from Zammudal, the sudden. Yeah. Oh, my friends coming to find my wife.

Try it. Right. It's just the worst. Just in general, it's hard. It's like, I'm just an American guy. No, no, no, no, you got to get it. Look, what do you want to lie about? How much money you make or your accent?

When it comes to women or how tall you are, you have to decide what lie you want to commit to for the rest of your accent. When it comes to women, or how tall you are. Yeah, you have to decide what lie you wanna commit to for the rest of your life. That's what matters. All right, this guy's with accent, that's good. That's gonna keep, keep it. Anybody who wants to, here we go. My man. He's going on Justin Min.

Justin. My male, Rages, people that, whenever you do anything or go on a trip, believe they say, hey, be safe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks buddy. Be safe, I don't even know why it makes me mad, but fucking makes me insane. Because they're saying I love you in a way that's not gay, but it is still I love you and it makes you be gay

accepting their love. It is, it's usually, please say, I care, oh, it's, it's usually six that say that, like I'll be safe. In that case, it it out. Oh, it's, oh, it's, it's actually, it's, it's usually, check it out. It's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. It's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's usually, check it out. Oh, it's usually, check it. Be safe, Sean, be safe. I will. Have I ever said that to you? No, be safe.

What do you think I was just gonna go, hurl myself head long in a danger? Why do you have to feel the need to say that? Be safe, thanks. Yeah, that is, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is kind of, it's a strange one. I don't know if I've ever, I've probably, 80s girl, I've probably said that,

I've said drive safe in the rain. Yes, I've said that too. And drive it to a woman. Yes, because I said that too. And drive it to a woman. Yes, because I know that they're not paying attention and they're likely to fuck up. That's what I say. Just, you know, don't be texting. Don't be calling and telling your girlfriend

about how shitty I am today. Then it'd drive, that's fine. Okay, be safe, Justin. Hi, hello, this is Leo. Hello. What makes me rage is when you make a noise that makes it sound like you farted in your in public and then you try to make the same movement to make the same noise so nobody thinks, oh, that's what it was.

And then you can't do it. So not only does everyone think that you farted, but you're also gerating around like a retard and just, yeah, you think you're stupid. Yeah, not only you uncouthuth and Neanderthal, you're also just kind of an idiot. Oh, that guy farted and he thinks that it was his chair. Can you believe how stupid that man is? He doesn't even know he farted.

He doesn't even know that he didn't just blow air out of his ass. Yeah, he thinks it's a dog that's surprised. Yeah, right? Oh, that was it. I saw this guy on the bus today. He insisted that it was his wet feet on the ground that made a farting sound. Yeah. And he didn't even know that he himself had farted. 20 minutes, he tried to make the same sound. What a fucking idiot. He's using the wrong part of his body. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Lady, here we go.

Ladies last, that's what I always say. Hi, I'm Makayla, and what makes me rage is when people try to add you on Facebook or Instagram, I'm like, oh, I know your boyfriend. And it's like, I don't fucking care. Yeah. Do I fucking know you? No. Get out here, limp dick.

She's a problem that no man has ever experienced. People trying to add him on Facebook. I don't know. Eric, have you ever had like anyone who knows me try to add you on Facebook? You don't have any friends. So who would possibly friend request me that knows you? It's the story of my life. So yeah, that's what makes me rage.

Okay. Guys trying to, uh, orbiters. that knows you. That's the story of my life. So yeah, that's what makes me rage. Okay. Guys trying to, oh, orbiters. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's like, is that the term orbiters? Orbiters. What, Trump syndrome? Yeah.

I mean, it's even worse. Like, they just like, they just want to suck down. It's because every, every satellite that is captured by a planet takes the energy of that planet, a little bit. Like a gravity slingshot, you ever heard that? Well, yeah, but you have to visualize a piece of rubber. Yeah.

Every single one takes a little bit of your energy. So these guys just come, they come and orbit women and suck down their energy a little bit and then go scooting off to orbit another planet. Earth, there's this salty Earth, constant Earth-sulting. Yeah. They can't have, well, there you go. It's actually a toad species that's basically like orbiters. They hang around a male that's calling really loud,

wait for a female to come by, and then they jump and rape her. They jump and rape her? Because if they did the other way, they'd be out of hand. Yeah. Nobody rapes and then jumps. Oh, I'm not lost here in the second story, I guess. That's all.

Really? What's the species of towed? Oh, you guys are like, kerpophiles, right? I'm actually a herpodologist. I'd work with alligators, crocodiles, and bodyguards, or anything. Oh, man, she should have been on the whole time. I got lots of, I looked like,

that's like, on paper, she's officially smarter than me, but I don't like to talk about it. Uh-huh, that's mine. So you're like, who else, Clegg, I think, said he was a herpophile, or her biologist or something. Like he doesn't, he's not attracted to little girls.

Yeah, no, I'm scared to say different girls. Kind of file. Is that what, no, I'm scared. It's kind of file. Is that what? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like Woodhouse Toads do that a lot of other Toads species. It's just females are I think the term is dumb where they can't speak. Well, yeah, wow.

We wish. Oh, you mean that yeah. Yeah, I know they like they physically can't make noise. Yeah, and they We need to hear a toast. Yes, they can't make noises. They can't make noises. I want to be a Oh, wow. Yeah. Even if they're really upset. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I can't see shit. Huh, maybe there is a God. I mean, maybe we're not his creation. Maybe it was that species of toad. You never know. And everything worked out for them. But all the other species got fucked over. All right, let's go. You're done, right? You've got no time. Yeah. Thank you, everybody. Thanks for coming in. Thanks for coming to the

magic tournament. Yeah, big winner right here. Eric, you won too, right? Yeah, so there were 18 people, three round tournament, there were four people who went undefeated, but the person with the highest tie breakers, Persu, you know, like lost the most, Persu, new lost the least games overall, and the people that he beat did better in the tournament, like a factor tie breakers. So I think I got like second or third, I don't know, you got second. Cool. All right. Lost my own event. Lost.

What do you mean lost you? You want to get first? You're not first or last. No, we'll look on seemingly if you win your own event. Yeah, that's true. This is, you know. You're stacked it in your favor somehow. Yeah.

All right. All right, see ya. Goodbye. Thank you.