The Dick Show - Episode 441 - Dick on A Winter Adventure

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

A woman lights on fire, a car drives into a market, Maddox has a new seafood video, my girlfriend doesn't put any ice in my water bottle, Vinnie Paulino goes on a "winter adventure" and has a bunch of Christmas Creeps, more CEO slaying talk, an advice followup, San Fransisco has a "weight czar", Sydney Sweeney posts another fat pic, and a disgusting pet hair ornament; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Do it! We are live. Alright, alright, alright. Over recorded. Alright, let me zoom, let me pop into this. Oh, did you know that seafood is for people who get laid? Ah, hold on, I don't want to miss any of this stuff. Yeah, I don't want to.

Alright. Somebody listen. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh Uh... Da da da da da da da da da da da da da. It sounds better. I don't hear any crunching today. Sounds good. I think using the same template for this and Biggest Problem is the way to go. That's the way to go. That one always sounds good. Yeah.

It does always sound good and it bounces pretty good. Why don't we... Why did we ever try to fix anything? I don't know. I just got excited. There is no solution because there is no problem. Okay, here we go. No camera found.

Yeah, good. I don't want no camera here. I don't want no damn cameras around here. Okay. Gips. And connecting. I want to do this so I don't to do it during the show oh Fucking brave man come on, bro

Fucking do me like this Fucking do me like this brave. That's the wrong one again anyway not again, man. Come on man twice Not again, man. Come on, man. Once is bad enough, but twice? OK, camera off. That off, yeah, join. Bong. Now, I hope it doesn't bong for the whole time.

That'd be cool. Yeah. How you doing, man? Dude, doing great. Thanks for having me back, man. Here we go. No, I'm going to put you on this one. Yeah.

Yeah. And that doesn't work. OK. That's why you got to put it on that one. Come on, bro. Come on, one. Yeah. Yeah. And that doesn't work. OK. That's why you got to put it on that one. Come on, bro. Come on, man. Every time you pull this, I have to pull like a whole, whole, like.

This thing up. Yes. I always have to look back. Yes, baby. OK. I think it's good. I think it's great. No red boxes anywhere. good sign. That's a good sign chat isn't going that fast. That's also a good sign

Please Someone listen and tell me please someone listen and tell me if the audio is fucked on rumble Vimeo All right And I just realized your discord name. That's fucking funny fanboy fanboy. I think it's about time to change it again Seafood boy I am a hab Is that it

There we go okay here it sounds it sounds on You have shitty speakers so you can't attest to the quality That's okay as long as it doesn't sound like crunchy and fucked up sounds fine 80s girl says awesome. Oh man That's the first on this show want to talk about doing dirty. I'm glad she Texted me during if we go to Pilates together. You know Yeah. It's Christmas break, so we get to go together. Amazing. And she goes, she's always in a rush to get there 10 minutes early, of course.

And I want to just walk on and start exercising right away. Yeah. So she goes, hurry up. Hurry up. All right. I'm getting yelled at, like it's time for school. Hurry up. All right, you got 15 minutes.

You got 10 minutes. I got your water. Okay, I get up, you know, lurch out of bed. Everything hurts, my shoulder's fucked. I haven't been able to work out in like a month. Something's wrong with my shoulder. I don't know what it is. The doctor says it's, I went to a doctor

who doesn't talk to me about my drinking. He says I gotta wait for the insurance company to get an MRI. And I said, Doc, what do you mean? I thought we fixed that whole health insurance problem. You're telling me I still have to wait? I thought somebody took care of that. Is that?

Someone else needs to take care of it, too. How many of these guys do we need to have a personal conversation with before we don't have to wait for them anymore? So that's the last thing I got. I can't lift to wait for them anymore. Mm-hmm. But, so that's the last thing I got. I can't lift weights anymore for a while. Oh. So I wanna blow my fucking brains out, right?

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, no weights for you. I just feel like a fucking, I feel like the most grotesque slob, tits, like I feel like a naked Zoidberg. You're just emaciating. Yeah, my arms are just shrinking down. I'm like, ugh, right? So I get just shrinking down. I'm like, ugh.

So I get to Pilates, and I'm like, OK. At least I feel something here. Let me just take a nice, refreshing drink of this water that my lovely girlfriend prepared for me. And I grab it, and I think, huh, something's wrong here. Something's wrong with this. The Yeti is known for its ability to keep ice, ice cold and refreshing.

Something tells me it wasn't cold. And I said, I can tell already that something's off with this water. I know, like watching a twerking video, what's this water bottle supposed to feel like when it's properly laden and encumbered with delicious ice? Not that.

Like we're living in the 20th century, you know? Yeah. Where ice is in abundance. And I grab it. Yes, that's me. That is how I feel not working out. I don't know how long this one's going to go. I don't know if I'm going to get my shoulder back.

It's really fucking pissing me off, though. I pick up a water bottle, and I go, uh-oh, sure enough, pop it open, take an nice, cause it's the girls that are in there are always freezing cold, so it's like 85 degrees with the heat in there. Jesus. Your face is pruning up like SpongeBob. Here we go, alright, well, you know, I'm just gonna ignore the way it's sloshing around in there, there's a lot of sloshing in there. Take a sip, and it's lukewarm at best and I just wanted to give up and stop and just go, are you... What was the... You know, I'm a person. I'm a real

person, okay? Yeah. I deserve... I deserve ice. You can't do me like this. I deserve ice. You can't do me like this. Someone gave me warm water while I was in the midst of the fucking desert dying. I would dump it out. Like you know, it's not worth getting here 10 minutes early if I'm gonna have an ice-less beverage to choke down. I can't tell my own spit from this water. The sweat coming into my mouth leaking in through the sides is identical in every way to this water bottle.

What was the thinking here? She spent 10 minutes getting some fucking ice. And she goes, well, I know I filled it up because mine's cold. And I said, well, I mean, this is not very Christmassy of you. No. And what does she mean by cold? If that's what she thinks cold is, then you need to... There's some recalibration.

See, what happened here? What happened here? What happened here? Let's just you know let's dig into what the thought process actually because I put ice in it I don't know what you're talking about. I am NOT gonna I'm not gonna be gaslit into thinking that the correct amount of ice was put into this ice cooling beverage it obviously wasn't. I found ice cubes in Yetis from a fucking week later they're uncovering Yetis from a landfill from a thousand years ago in the year 5000 they're gonna be digging up Yetis after the nuclear explosion

going there's still ice in this motherfucker and it's not get fucked over with the ice something tells me there was almost no ice in it to begin with. I don't think there was any ice in it at all! That's what I said! I think you used up all the ice in your water bottle. How am I? And I'm, you know, now I'm getting my detective hat on. Yeah.

When you don't, women don't want the detective hat. I think what happened was, and then it's like the end of The Big Lebowski, right? Where it's cutscenes, turn, right? A beautiful mind reveal, yeah. I think what happened was you used up all the ice, and you didn't want to tell me to delay the getting there early, which is, you know, a concern of yours. I would have stopped at the gas station, or McDonald's. I need some fucking ice So I'm there. I'm chugging down

Luke warm water just looking at my self Disgusted with myself in the mirror. It's like waking up to a warm beer It's it's just there's nothing good that comes along with it not very Christmasy. No zero Christmas out of ten Let me see if the audio is still okay. Please someone tell me it's fine. Okay. You got your first lesson in being dad though. You always get shafted. The baby got cold ice. Yep. You didn't get shit. The baby got a nice refreshing ice water to drink at their leisure. Yep. To absorb. I didn't get shit. You just got higher blood pressure. Dad didn't get shit you just got shit on rumble alright

It's fine on which on rumble here. Can you believe that shit I can? See it all the time Where's my ice? It's for the baby Fucking baby now. Oh man. You know and it's the worst too because oh I got to start vimeo god damn And I did it again, Johnny. We did it again, folks. Takes a lot of courage to get on this-

It takes a lot of courage to be me. To get on stream. And wake up every day and just assume that I'm gonna get ice. No ice. Knowing that it's quite possible that I'm not gonna get any ice at all. I gotta- hold on, I gotta start this thing. They put the damn settings in the place that's so hard to find. The settings pane?

I don't, where, do you see a settings pane? Actually I don't. Yeah, I don't either. It's like new, then all this shit, host, what is that and it pops up other shit. It's really goddamn frustrating to be honest with you. I just don't understand why everything needs to be so cute and have a million menus. What happened to just like one page of like, oh, here's everything I need. I wake up every day.

Tabbed browsing ruined everything. I wake up every day telling myself today is gonna, I'm gonna have all the ice I need. And then I'm, I'm always surprised, but I vow every day to wake up and say the iceless world out there today is gonna be the day Today is gonna be the day with ice Oh, God. Ha ha ha ha. Dick. Dick. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee You want to diggy, you need to diggy, you love to diggy. Got it, it's the showroom is a contest, come to me live for Mountain Bucker, deep in the heart of the city of Valor, I'm your host Dick Madison, aka the 20 million dollar man.

Joining me is once again in the studios, Johnny, the audio engineer. How you doing, buddy? Doing great, how you doing? Make sure your audio is up too. Oh yeah. That's always the complaint I get because I shout out of control. I don't even know the mic is here anymore. I just, you know, think of my dad.

Yeah. I don't want anyone to hear me. Yes, that's the problem with that seat. That happens. Just mute it. Here's what we're not doing anymore. If I see it one more time, I'm gonna have

a some sort of a holiday fit. A Christmas conniption fit is Christmas lights on the cars that they're driving around. Christmas lights covering the cars like they're having their own personal gay pride parade. Driving around town as though everyone is good at driving and we haven't been having this problem of everyone driving like a retarded asshole and that they don't need to see a third, close encounters of the third kind suddenly jump out at them from a side street when they get off of their phone for two seconds and pay attention to the road. So that's what we're not doing. The brain rot is encroaching on the rest of the world.

We're not doing your own, you're not, I don't care if you're living in your car, we're not doing Christmas lights on the car. That's gotta go. At least do the Christmas undercarriage, like Fast and the Furious or something. I'll tolerate that, but we're not doing, we're not doing seasons, we're not doing Christmas lights

wrapped around the fucking car. That's gotta go. Okay, it's gotta go. It's done. Nice water, I went Christmas shopping and, um, you know, the malls are packed now. Really? Yeah, the homelessness has gotten so bad. Women catching fire on the, on the subways and these sorts of things that the kids are going to malls because the risk of getting groped or assaulted by a homeless person is low there versus everywhere versus all the other gentrified spaces. Did you know that?

You know, that's one way to strengthen the economy. They can't stay home. And if they just go shopping, they'll get attacked by homeless people. If they go to the mall, they got other, you know, get a less chance of it. Still a chance. Yeah, they have private police there to kick the homeless out. I was walking around, I ended up getting my dad the nail clippers he wanted for Christmas.

I wanted to get him a handshake consultant, like I told you about. Well, did you get him the exact nail clippers or is it the one model off that he's gonna fucking nail you about for the rest of your life? I got him not the most expensive, but the one just under that. Okay.

So not, he probably would prefer the one slightly above the cheapest. I'm the one next to the most expensive. He's the one right above the cheapest model. So he'll probably be dissatisfied, but he didn't specify. That's OK. As long as he didn't specify.

If he specified and you got him something else, then you fucked up. Then I fucked up, yeah. But walking around the mall, man, this is a very, I felt like a Sasquatch. I don't know why. I didn't realize you were one. I'm just getting these looks from these women

like I don't even belong in public anymore. I don't know. I don't know why that. I don't know if it's the Christmas time or what or if I was giving off of some kind of vibe that I haven't been giving off for the previous 44 years of my life. But this year, I'm walking around.

I'm just going to be like, ugh. What the fuck is this guy even doing out here? He's not very Christmassy at all. I don't know what's going on. It's because you didn't get ice in your drink. It set off the whole day. Because usually, I look forward to hydrating myself. Well, if you're expecting something cold and you get something warm, I mean, you could burn your mouth on it. Yeah. Why don't you load it up with some soup next time?

Some gazpacho soup, yeah. You almost burnt your mouth in the middle of class. I know. Are you supposed to be Christmassy after that? I don't think so. Yes, we are! I am intending to be Christmassy after this, that. Despite, in the face of everything, I'm in full Christmas mode and Christmas cheer.

Here is a car, have you heard this joke before? A car drove into a bar? No. You haven't heard that one? I haven't. Car drove into a bar. A woman caught on fire? Are any of these jokes No. You haven't heard that one? I haven't. Car drove into a bar. Mm-hmm. A woman caught on fire.

Are there any of these jokes? Not ringing any bells. It's not familiar? It's not ringing any bells? No. Let me see if I can find these headlines. I don't really think this was a very Christmassy headline either. This woman got caught on fire on the subway today?

At a subway? Well, you remember how, yeah, here's the guy that lit her on fire, this poor lady. This poor lady gets lit on fire, too. Nobody expects to get lit on fire two days before Christmas, right? Yeah, at least afterward, but. They kind of spaced all their religious holidays apart,

so this kind of thing doesn't happen. Yeah, you'd think, anyway. Here's a lady burning to death on the F train, Coney Island. I don't know if you saw, remember last week, the week before, everyone was making fun of people for thinking that New York is like dangerous, going on the subway is dangerous. They're like, oh, you guys are nuts. It's totally, crime is down. And then this poor woman got, uh, lit on fire. I didn't know you could light someone on fire. That's...

You know, I bet Cornholio would be proud. I thought you could put it out. Yeah, stop, drop, and roll. I figured- and here she is. I'm not gonna show this on the stream, cause it's, um... It's the most graphic thing I've ever seen. Yeah, it's too funny for stream. Ha! This is this poor woman.

Sorry to his family, this is a person right here. Oh shit! Oh shit, bro! Yeah, you're right, man! Yo! Fuck! And I don't know, she's still, I don't know if I need the Cosby kids shouting at me while I'm burning to death on the subway.

That would be the ultimate sendoff, right? Oh, I'm lit on fire by a Venezuelan migrant. Oh, okay. Well, I sure hope a bunch of black stereotypes don't show up and start harassing me. You know times have changed because no one yelled out World Star. Oh yeah, true. Oh! Oh no!

No! No one yelled out world star. Oh, yeah No It doesn't help sick. I mean, how are you supposed to? Nobody helping why she not why she's standing up. How do you stand up when you're on fire? Yeah, that's you just stand there. What's crazy cuz they always would be like Oh, if you're getting raped yell fire cuz more people care about that, but someone's actually on fire. You gotta yell rape. Yeah. So guys will come put out the fire so they can join in.

I guess so. Right. Right. Yeah, woman, that was the headline for this. A woman catches on fire. You know what? That was a pretty funny punchline actually. What's the next one we got for us? What, what, what, what, what, what, woman catches on fire?

Yeah, I didn't realize it was so literal. You didn't realize it was written as a joke? Yeah. Comedy joke? Dada art these days is really, yeah. A car has driven into a group of people at the Christmas market in Germany. Car did that.

Well, you know, guns guns kill people woman catches on fire yeah car drove into some clothes I guess yeah what's the what's the problem here I don't see any I don't know just inanimate objects yeah there's just all these cars colliding yeah colliding fire subway Cars driving into markets clothes catching on fire with ladies in them mmm, I Really like that though a car has driven. Here's a shot of the woman. She's sleeping man. I Guess It's a rough way to go Christmas Eve. Did you is it Christmas Eve yet? No, it's the 23rd.

Okay, so we're not taking the subways anymore, I guess? Is that just for poor people to... Is it like a... are we locking them in? We could do that, I guess. Get all... trick them all in there. There's some kind of gold, there's a leprechaun in there shitting out gold, and they'll all run in there and hide, or look for the leprechaun, they'll tear the whole thing apart, and just seal it off with concrete, like Chernobyl. And they could eat each other, light each other on fire, and have a good time. Trying to sell all the copper to each other? Yeah. Oh man, I found this gang scrapper channel on Instagram. Get the fuck out of here.

Where it's just guys totally robbing buildings of their copper. Amazing. Hospitals and stuff. That's. This is the most degenerate shit I have ever seen. You know, they ripped all the copper off the bridge down in LA.

Yeah. Sixth Street Bridge, brand new, spent, I don't know, hundreds of millions of dollars on it. Looked beautiful. And then it lasted like two weekends. Good day to be selling Coke to bums you know just like just total trash okay yeah white fire the car the car incident oh yeah kind of it has got a afterburn element of humor to it this the guy driving the car was a migrant who moved to Germany

and then made it his job to import other migrants as much as possible. He said he was an atheist and needed to import as many people into and import as many other migrants into Germany as possible. Sounds like your average common modern-day German citizen. I mean, yeah, you know, just a German guy doing German things. Just a regular old dude who does is not Islamic at all because he's an atheist. So German guy. So he's just like, you know, the average Redditor. Oh, yeah, because these things are Because these things are just, these things are totally

mutable characteristics. It's not that government, race, religion, and what's the fourth one? Government, race, religion, and the other one. It's not that they're all linked, you know, inextricably linked in some way, and that white people are just obsessed with swapping one out and the other. Right.

It's, yeah, it's that they can all, you can just decide one day that you're, oh well I'm not, I'm an atheist. Yeah. I just can't. I don't believe in driving into markets. Oh, okay, well. Gonna do it.

Doesn't mean I believe in it, yeah. I'm gonna do it to show you how wrong it is. See how much I don't believe in it? Ah, isn't that crazy? Okay, here's the news of the day. We've got Maddox's seafood video. Did you happen to take a look at this? I did happen to take a look at this.

Did you watch it? What did you think? I'm not sure what I think. I thought I had- He's back, man! This is the content that he promised us last year after the documentary. I thought I'd been hitting the sauce a little too hard, but then it turned out it was just a video that was blurry. It's like, damn, what is in this mess call? I'm like, oh shit. The entire video is blurry. Yeah fucking cleaning my glasses Wore down a few layers on my glasses trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. Should we watch some of it?

It's it's a hundred percent blurry. I don't know if people can see this but perhaps in lieu of Vaseline Maddox has decided to blur himself in the video. Let's see you can repost the video without getting copyright struck. It's already been fucked with. I don't know if it's worth watching. It's an entire... Is it only 10 minutes? It's 10 minutes on seafood is for people who get laid.

Yeah, OK, that's a hell that's a hell of a take. Food. Yeah. Seafood. Seafood, man. Alright, I don't know. We'll listen to a minute of it and see how it goes. Let's see.

...to a seafood restaurant when someone in the group whines that they... Okay, okay, okay, okay. Start over, start over, Maddox. Ever wanted to go to a seafood restaurant when someone in the group whines that they don't like seafood? That person's bloodline is weak and they're doomed to a life of abstinence Welcome to the best show in the universe You should be talking about your family wanting to you know, you're 50 years old Someone in the group right doesn't want to go to a seafood restaurant

Feels some like something a 24 year old girl is worried about. Who has a group at 50? Who's going out for dinner with their group about... and debating about seafood. Who doesn't eat seafood in their 50s? I don't know. I don't know who the target of this is. Universe, I'm Maddox. Did you know that seafood is awesome, but it's also really good to eat, and it tastes good?

Here's another fact. There are only around 6,000 species of mammals. That means if you eat one different mammal every day from the day you were born, you better believe I've tried. You'd run out of new mammals to eat by the age of 16. Seafood on the other hand, comprises of over 35,000 species which means you could eat a different. What the fuck is this? I Was kind of zoning out for a second. I was like dude this 35,000 species of fish and 600 species of seafood. He looks like a fucking like he's been embalmed recently

fucking like he's been embalmed recently Fuck either this AI filters good or they've he's man. Why did you blur this Maddox? Why is your camera blurry and unfocused? Can you focus me just just to be sure Johnny click that little focusing button? Yeah, yeah, that's let me zoom in here so you can see. He's blurry. It's like his camera was at 240p and the rest is in, you know, whatever the fuck he uses. He's blurry and he still looks bad. Look at this shit.

Yeah, it's supposed to make it better, right? Like all the snow and like all those other TV shows? It's supposed to. He's got 6,500 views on a video that's been up for 24 hours. It probably took him about a year to make this. Yeah. It was his summer video. That's bad. You destroyed your channel here trying to get back at us, buddy.

Different fish every single day for 95 years and still not run out. Hell yeah. Most food comes from grocery stores, which is a place they also... Why is the top of his head chopped off? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha whatever wig you want on top. Like wooly-willy, that stupid magnet hair game. Actually, if someone wants to make one of those, that would be pretty good. Did you have, I mean, a woman burning to death on the subway on their Christmas card?

Is that part of the advent calendar? Is that the immigrant, is that the migrant advent calendar? I guess so. Holy fuck. You're going back. I mean, this is a tipping point of like, oh man, well, how do we get all these concentration camps? Well, a woman was burned to death

for falling asleep on the subway, that's how. I mean, you can call it an overkill, but that's what happened. That's how it happened. I don't really, I don't know if you have read too much about people, but that's kind of like one of the, it's like alcoholism, but for fascism, one of the steps is a young white woman gets burned to fucking death on the subway for the crime of falling asleep. That's a leapfrog of like six or seven steps. Yeah.

Get your fucking act together uh do you not have Christmas invented is Venezuelan gangs not have Christmas apparently not well sell things copper like pickknuckles and bad yourself barf it's where the average person gets their food because the average person is boring you know it's not boring? Getting your food from a- Why are your eyebrows cut off in this, Maddox? What- I'm not- I'm not doing this- Oh, okay.

I was doing it in a weird way. Oh, look at the top of his head, man. But it's like, perfectly at the top of the frame. Dude, what is going on? Did he get- Is he sleeping with like like forceps clamped onto his head? How did he shape his head into a more...a bigger point? It's probably his pillow...or his blanket for a pillow. A place where pirates have lived and died.

Every time you eat a meal from the ocean, there's a non-zero chance that it came from a pirate's tomb. The ocean is home to giant squid, sharks, and imploding billionaires. Awesome. If you look at any old sea map, the chart is littered with badass sea monsters that are totally real. But if you look at a map of a farm, all you see is stupid bullshit like cows, horses, and this fuck-faced chicken. If you look at the age of group- He's not allowed to use that image. It was watermarked. He's stealing... He's stealing people's IP. It was watermarked with like, Dreams Time. Did you see that? I did. That's a fucking violation, dude.

With his garbage. That's a fucking copyright violation, big time. He's gonna call the police, dude. Some- yep, somebody's gonna get involved with this, Maddox. That's a bad move. Alright. The groups of people who eat seafood, the groups of people who consume it the least, are children. That's because kids mostly eat crayons, cheese pizza, and boogers.

Because as I stated in another video, kids are dumb as hell. They're dumb as hell. There's something about eating food that children don't like that makes it taste better. Like kimchi stew. Have you ever seen a kid eat kimchi stew on a playground? I didn't think so, ding dong. and as if that wasn't reason enough see this is making me want to kill myself it was like someone unearthed this but no one asked for hey everyone we found this like oh oh my god Yeah, classic Maddox in video form.

The comments are, uh... The comments are all really glazing him. Um... I read your articles since before your first book. I've always appreciated that you either did your own illustrations or paid someone to do them. Sucks shit to see you use AI images in your... Oh, they're turning on him for using AI! Ah, that's funny. That's funny.

AI on his forehead. Yeah, uh, hell yeah, it's a Maddox Christmas. Man, this is like dog shit. Let's see. ...literally increases your brain volume. A study found that people who consumed fish weekly had more gray matter volume and a lower risk of dementia. So if you don't eat seafood, you've probably already forgotten what I just said. Eat some tuna, dumbass. Did he like, in his friend group,

did some woman not want to go to a fish restaurant? So he like wrote this in an email to her, but really she just didn't wanna go to dinner if he was there. Yeah. And then he decided to make a video out of it. All these stats don't convince you that seafood's good, then I don't know what will. It makes your brain power.

All right. Last, despite all these awesome benefits of eating seafood, namely that it's awesome and it makes you look like a badass who deflowers everyone within a five block radius, there are still droves of people who don't like it. So let's take a quick look at some of the most common objections to seafood. Number one, seafood looks like bugs. Yeah, no shit, I eat bugs. Eat the bugs. Why do people have such a problem with eating bugs anyway?

The people who are most afraid of eating bugs are always internet tough guys and culture warriors who think it's a conspiracy being pushed by- Okay, alright. It's cause he ate the bugs. He ate the bugs and that's what happened to him, man. I think the bugs went to your brain. Did you see all the fucking shiny spots on him though? He's got so many goddamn lights going on. Right here.

Right here, he's got a shiny spot under the eye. On top of his fucking dome too. This is trash, Maddox. You're done. Low effort. Vinny ding-dongs to get in. Let me see if I can let him in. Yeah, admits.

There we go. Hey Vinny, can you hear me? Hey, what's up man? Uh-oh. Can't hear him. Um. Maybe he can hear me. I don't know. Can he?

No. Can he? I can hear- oh, I can hear him there. Can he not hear us? Uh-oh. It says microphone on. This is why we did the test beforehand. It is. And it worked. Check, check, check.

Yeah, mic. Let, check, check. Yeah, Mike. Let's try this one. Push to talk now. He's holding space the whole time. I see. Yeah, what the fuck? Damn it, I got some good stuff.

Can you hear me? Can you hear men, I asked him. Now he's really going to ignore us. Now I'm going to get some material on that. No, I cannot hear you. Make sure 13 and 14 are not muted. They are not muted. From us on the individual tracks. Yep.

We're sending. They're not. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. Let me see that real quick. Check, check, check. Check, check, check, check, check. Ah, they're all the way down. Check, check, check. Can you turn those up? How about now? Here we go. Yeah, I can hear you now. La, la, la, la, la. Awesome. Vinny, how you doing, man? Oh, man, I couldn't be better.

Glad to be here. Thanks for calling in. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Is your season very Christmasy? Are you feeling Christmasy? I'm feeling downright suicidal. Turn him up a little bit, please. Why? Oh, my life makes me crazy.

Yes, yes, it's driving me to the early grave. Yes, the Christmas spirit. Did you see, wait, I wanted to play this one. This is Amazon turning the fire hoses on the striking workers. Let me find this one. I can't see anything. All I see is like a face of you.

Okay, I'll turn the camera on. Sorry. That's okay. I did not get it. That's okay. Yeah, there you go. Alright, see if you can see this thing now. Oh, I can see it. Amazon is striking and obviously they're not allowed to strike because then everyone's Christmas would get fucked up. So here is the Amazon HQ turning the fire hose on.

They have like a water outlet where the workers are striking and they just decided to let it open to soak all the striking Amazon employees with freezing cold water. It's not very Christmassy of them, I don't think. They're just trying to make an ice rink. Yeah, they're trying to make an ice rink.

Yeah, they're trying to make an ice rink for them to celebrate Christmas in. They won't even give them a water cooler inside, but they'll turn the hoses on them outside. It's great. They're really...the poor Amazon people, I really feel bad for them. Like, I've abandoned...I've totally abandoned any sort of, like, childish notion of free market capitalism. Like, no, we don't live in that world at all. We don't. I'm not arguing on behalf of like giant conglomerates who are just working together to kill me.

So I don't care. I really feel... But even just looking at their... What they're doing and the things they're fighting for, I'm like, I really feel bad for you guys. You know? And then there's always some shitbag who comes into the conversation with, well, okay, so, I mean, they agreed to this, they agreed to these labor conditions and they're just negotiating. You don't get anything for

free. Like, okay, bro. Then you go do it. Yeah, you go do it, Don. Let's just have everyone on welfare. Everything will be delivered and made by robots and everyone will be, the whole world will be on welfare. How about that? Anyway, um, You see that lady that caught on fire on the subway Vinny? Yes, that's insanity Don't sleep on the subway Yeah, I guess that's the takeaway

Or don't go on the subway, you know, there's a couple schools of Or don't go on the subway. You know, just a couple schools of thought. Don't go on the subway. Let's see, I've got a... I've got a gross-out thing that might appeal to you. Let's see here. This is... A new ornament. A new type of Christmas ornament that was pitched to me. I don't know why I saw this pop up but it's a popular item this season for pet owners.

I'll turn that off. This is a... This is a woman taking empty Christmas ornament baubles, you know, like plastic spheres that are clear that you can get at a crafting store. And then she takes them home and brushes her golden retrievers and then crams the brushed out fur into the Christmas bauble and then put some lettering of their names of the pets names on the Christmas bobble. And then she hangs that on the tree. Yeah I'm pretty sure this lady spends Christmas alone with the dogs. Who does that? It's a pretty disturbing ornament.

You have a dog. Would you want to like, nobody wants dog hair anywhere. You don't want it on your Christmas tree. You don't want on your couch. No, it's disgusting. It's the most disgusting thing that comes out of them. Worse than the shit. I'd rather have a Christmas ornament full of shit than whatever this is. It's all fun and games. So you break it too. Then you have dog hair and fine glass everywhere. I definitely don't want the memorial of my dog to be a bobble of their pets.

Okay, uh, here, how about this one? Democrats Appeal to young men. This is the could this 21 to could this 20 year old be one of the Democrats bro whispers Dean Withers argues online with far right wing stars like Charlie Kirk and Ben Shapiro whose goal to reach their young male followers. Have you seen this guy? Ben Shapiro, whose goal to reach their young male followers. Have you seen this guy? Dean Withers?

I've never seen, I haven't seen him, but I assume that at some point there would be somebody like this on the left. They kind of are trying to counter program what the right is doing. They've done a nice job of reaching out to young people and explaining their positions while the Democrats yelled and screeched about things.

Yeah, I've seen him, explaining their positions while the Democrats yelled and screeched about things. So... Yeah. I've seen him... He seems to just post gym selfies of himself and he's got this weird... He's got this weird affect of calling guys... Trying to call guys gay without being able to use homophobic slurs. Which doesn't really have the same punch to it. I've noticed. Not as funny. No, it's not really as funny.

It's like, yeah. You need some bite to it. Yeah, you need to just say what you're trying to... You're just trying to call them gay. Just go ahead and... You need to be able to say the whole thing. But they're gonna spend a billion dollars probably appealing to this demographic

which can be undone with like one F slur. Yeah. Right? Funny how that works. I don't think it's gonna work like they think it will. Meanwhile, you have this coming from the right. This was the right wing's answer to, this is the right wing's advice for young men.

Charlie Kirk, do you know that guy? Yeah. Okay, here's Charlie Kirk at some sort of a cuck fest they have for young Republicans, Amfest. But what advice can you give to young dads that are either about to have their first child or just had their first child? What would you, I mean, we've been through all of that, but how, I mean, what would you say to help encourage them?

Well, I would say you need to understand. This is advice for young dads, right? You have a brand new life, you know, in your custody. You have like a new family just starting out, right? This is a very spiritual experience, probably frightening. This person's gonna outlive you, right? You have a lot of conflicting,

you don't really know why you got to be where you're at in life, and you don't wanna give bad advice, you wanna give good advice. You know, you don't wanna smother them, you don't wanna scramble, you don't want to give bad advice, you want to give good advice, you know, there's you don't want to smother them, you don't want to you don't want to scramble that you don't want to turn them into a furry, these types of things. It's a very deep, very deep, you know, philosophical, psychological question that's being asked that really gets to the core of who you are. Right? Aren't you living this right now?

Yes. Yeah. This advice directly to you. Yeah. So I found that I found this to be extra triggering when I heard it. Okay, here it is. And the biblical role of the Father again, I'm still learning this. I've only been at it for two and a half years. Right. When it comes to your child, you are tasked to protect them both physically, spiritually and emotionally, and really outside the house and obviously in other ways as well. Quality time is everything. You're not above any of the duties or the tasks of the roles.

But you're also, you as a father and as the provider, you need to get your act together so much that your wife never has a financial pressure ever on the family. And if you have not done that, then you gotta get your act together. And let me tell the men out there, you do not spend a dime on video games or sports games or things for yourself until your wife does not have to worry about finances. You come

last in the family. Fuck you. No video games. Did you hear the women freaking out in the audience? Well, let me tell the men something. Your whole job is that women never have to worry about anything financial. Wrong. No. That's the only thing that they should be worried about. Always, Charlie. Wrong.

You should be worried about it more than I am. You know how long one video game lasts at $50? Like two months. You know how fast women can go through $50 at Target in like 10 minutes? What were you saying saying Vinny? No, I was just gonna say you don't need a billion dollars to counter program against this. This is pretty self-explanatory Shut the fuck up Charlie Video games of all things video games Charlie

Don't buy one video game until and I mean until your house looks like a fucking Sephora Until your until your wife is making her own clothes based on, out of CVS receipts, don't buy any video games. No, he's just saying save it for more alcohol and cigarettes, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, amazing. Amazing. Okay, one more thing Vinny and then I want to get to your creeps. This is, uh, remember the Sydney Sweeney stuff we talked about last week? I do.

Everybody's favorite Sidney Sweeney. She was triggered enough into posting a response to the nagging. Everyone's saying she looked like shit. So she decided to post another picture looking slightly less like shit. I like the stretch. You know, you gotta tighten everything up for the camera.

These are the oldest tricks in the book. The lean back. Right? I remember MySpace, man. Come on. Yeah. Oh, I got this. It's always good to not look at the camera at all

when you're taking a picture like this. Just hide your face completely and she automatically looks better. It's perfect. Yeah. Stretched out. Maximum stretch to hide the gut. Jacket over the love handles.

You know, you just gotta use every trick in the book, man. Uh-huh. Okay. Trying to win against the haters. So Vinny, how you doing, man? How's Creep Show doing? Creep Off's good, Creep Off's good. Today's a very special day. We just did our Creepmas 24 episode.

Oh. And yeah, man, every year we realize that Christmas drives people to the brink and they do really heinous shit every year. It's pretty shocking. Over the next month, we're gonna have a ton of stories It's gonna be great Why is that? What's the most heinous shit? They're doing right now. Well, you know

Right now I don't know I'll find out like last year You know, there's a lot of family murders a lot of dads lose their mind and just off the whole family The earliest one of those I found a story from like 1923 where a guy just like sent his oldest son to the village and then just murdered the rest of his family. Oh no. Yeah, he's just, I can't handle these people, but you seem all right, go have a good life. Merry Christmas, here's your freedom. Oh hi everybody. Yeah, there he is. Merry Christmas. Here's your freedom. Oh hi everybody Did you bring any in for us today? Boy, did I man I brought you a little special presentation today

With three of what I call the creep off creepmas all-stars These are three of the absolute worst that we've ever covered on the show for Christmas and I'm gonna start with a guy named Mark Latonski, okay, okay married father of four He worked for the Dow Chemical Corporation in Michigan and got fired because he was making his own homemade brand of personal lubricants At work and then selling them so they didn't look kindly and that way he worked where a Dow chemical, uh-huh. He was making his own lube at work. Yeah Oh, no, I'm great shit, man

So his wife ends up divorcing him in 2001 and his wife said the reason she divorced him is because he was acting very Eradically at home. Okay, he was basically Acting erratically means watching torture films and threatening to murder his children's animals. Okay. So by 2013, he ends up getting charged for kidnapping two of his four children from his ex-wife. Okay. And they gave him a competency hearing and they said, this guy's completely nuts.

He's not competent to stand trial. And they let him a competency hearing and they said this guy's completely nuts. He's not competent to stand trial and they let him go. No consequences. And his kids at that point are out of his life, which is good because that's around the same time he came out as bisexual. Okay. And he decided, you know what? I'm not a dad anymore.

I don't have the pressures of my old lube company. I'm just going to go live it up. And he starts this pretty heavy party lifestyle. He ends up marrying a dude named Jamie Arnold that he meets on Grindr and that dude ends up leaving him within a year because he's like I come home and there's five guys in our house just fucking and I wanted dinner and I couldn't handle it. So Mark's not a considerate person to the people in his life but But within, by 2019, there's two incidences at his house where the police had to get involved. The first one is he meets a guy on Grindr, they go out for a beer. The

guy has a beer and the next thing he knows, he ends up, he's in Mark Latonski's basement, chained to the floor. You got roofied at the, he got roofied at the beer and then dragged to the torture chamber at Mark Latonski's house. Jesus Christ. Okay. And this guy has four kids? Well, yeah. Yeah, amazing.

All right. But the good thing was this guy, his name was James Carson. This is why you need video games when you have kids. You know, blow off some steam. Okay. Agreed. So he finds that Latonski left a bunch of sharp instruments around and he was able to cut some of the leather straps with a knife that the guy just left laying there.

Yeah. And he gets away and has to run three miles down the road to somebody else's house naked to get help. How is this not bigger news? This just happened. How is it not? We'll get there. It's pretty bad. We're not even there yet, Dick. We're not even there yet. So that's the first guy.

And there's this thing where the police show up when they deal with gay people. I don't think they like it very much. They're like, oh, icky gay stuff. Let's just, everything seems fine. The guy got away, nobody's murdered. No harm, no foul. We don't need to collect any evidence. Yeah.

Have a good night's sleeper in the house. Six weeks later, November 25th, right around Thanksgiving. I mean, that's kind of to their credit. If guys are doing sex crimes against women, my thinking is, well, women are retarded. Like they can't be expected to not get chained up in a basement. But a guy gets chained up in the basement. Like, all right, man, what were you? Come on. You were thinking with

your dick, weren't you? Like you were ignoring the signs so you could get off like, uh, you're as embarrassed as we are, aren't you, son? We're just letting you go. Yeah. Six weeks after this, like I said, it's Thanksgiving time. A 29-year-old man ran out of the same house called 911, except he was wearing a leather kilt. That apparently he was drugged. He woke up, he was chained up, and he was wearing this weird-ass leather kilt. And he gets away. And this time, Latonski chases himases him the first guy he just let him go Yeah, this time he's like motherfucker. I want my kilt back

So he chases this guy and they're in the middle of a fight in the street trying to he's trying to get his kilt back And the cops show up and they think another levels lovers quarrel over at Mark's house sure and Nothing happens. They let them both go. Well, that leads us to Christmas Eve 2019, Dick. A young gentleman by I shit you not, the name Kevin Bacon went missing. His family reports him missing on Christmas Day because he never showed up on Christmas morning. His car was surrounded a family dollar, no sign of him in his apartment. His roommate

said he went to go hook up with someone on Grindr and the cell phone data led them to Mark Latonski's house. Now, when the officers arrived at his house on December 27th, he answered the door wearing the same leather kilt that he was fighting the guy for a couple weeks ago. He just really liked the leather kilt? Damn. That's his thing, man. That's his thing.

To dress up in a leather kilt and do gay stuff? Gay torture, I guess. Pretty much. Okay. Well, the paper said that he didn't seem frustrated or upset at all when the cop showed up. He let them in the house. And when the police came in with the search warrant, because the guy's cell phone signal was in there, and he's like, is this guy here? He's like, no. They went back, got a warrant, come back to the house and when the police came in with a search warrant because the guy's cell phone signal was in there and he's like, is this guy here? He's like, no, they went back, got

a warrant, come back to the house. He had time to hide all this shit deck. And when they come in, they go down to the basement and they found this guy's body strung up like a deer with buckets of blood because he like, what? throat and let it just bleed out. Jesus. What? Really? Yeah, really. But it was worse than that though because as they were looking at it, they were like, man, something's missing.

What's wrong with this body? Oh, where does dick go? The cops are wondering. Oh, God. And they go, Mark, where is this man's penis that you have murdered and strung up in your basement? He goes, oh, silly thing was, I don't know how you celebrate Christmas, but I chopped off this guy's dick and cooked it Christmas morning.

Oh, no. Okay. Yeah. He cannibalized this dude's penis and he entered an insanity plea and they ruled that he was incapable of standing trial. But then that October, the following year, they reversed the decision. They put him on trial. He was sentenced to life in prison.

So that's third place, guys. That's third place on my list of Christmas norms. Yeah, I'm looking it up. It says Mark Latunski, Michigan cannibal who had to murder. I got another guy for you. Yeah, we're fun. Did he do it because of Christmas Eat the guy's penis and stuff or is he just a coincidence? I It may have been a coincidence, but people get crazier on the holidays dick. Yeah, they do. Okay. What's the next one? All right. This one is definitely Christmas related a guy by the name of William Wallace He's 39 years old and he's married to a smoke show

She's 26 years old. Her name is Zazel Preston. She's really pretty lady now. They were married for not very long, but Apparently Wallace was a little abusive to her. They had a seven-week-old son that lived with them and They also had a three-year-old and eight-year-old daughters living with them from different relationships so it's kind of a blended situation and Zazel I'll give her a lot of credit. She went to school She was trying to better herself and she wanted to become a domestic abuse counselor She wasn't good at it though because there was a lot of domestic abuse going on now Long story short they started drinking at a buddy, at a friend's house in their neighborhood on Christmas Eve and they got home and they kept drinking.

And, uh, the only witnesses were the eight-year-old daughter who was able to testify to what happened that night. The daughter said that, uh, Wallace, they were Wallace and Preston were arguing when they returned, described a confrontation that turned physical. The daughter described Wallace punching Preston and slamming Preston through a glass table. Wallace then asked the daughter to help him pull the pieces of glass from Preston's body. The daughter testified before Wallace carried Preston into the bathroom to clean up her body. In the bathroom, Wallace dropped Preston onto her head

and she smashed her head out of the toilet seat. Oopsie. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

That was the dad carrying the mom and dropping her on the toilet seat? Oh, butter fingers, yeah. Okay. After she hit the toilet, he said, they think she passed away. He just took her to the bedroom and put her down to sleep and that's what the daughter says she remembered but here's the thing. There's all these other kids in

the house. Yeah. And it's Christmas Eve. What do you do? Where are the presents? Is Santa still coming? Well, he had to go clean up the living room because the coffee table's broken clearly. You gotta clean up the bathroom but uh Christmas morning, the kids, you'll be happy to know, did wake up to a Christmas tree with presents underneath it. Okay. And mom's sitting up on the couch like weekend at Bernie's with a pair of snuggles off her nod. Really? Really, truly. The kids came out and started opening all their presents around their mother's dead body that was sitting on the couch and

One of the things these are fucked this What Yeah, well would you All-stars dick see all my god All-stars, Dick. It's the All-star. Oh my god! These are first-round draft picks we're talking about. Was he trying to move her mouth to talk to the kids or is he saying mom's hung over? Thank you, Santa!

I mean, I don't know, but the kids said that they felt mom and she was cold. Oh god! She just sat there, they played with their gifts. The daughter said she and her younger sister woke up the next morning, went out, opened gifts. Wallace had dragged Preston's body by her arm into the living room and placed it on the living room couch. He then put a pair of sunglasses on her body and said, quote, Mommy got drunk and ruined Christmas. Open your presents. So at the beginning of the trial, the prosecutor told jurors that Wallace, during a phone call Christmas

morning with Preston's grandmother, said he and Preston had been drinking and I tossed her around a little bit and then he added, he's like, yeah, I'm probably gonna go to jail. Oh, wow. Probably. So, after the kids, after the kids open all the presents. Yeah has his phone calls with the family, does his thing. He did call 911 to report that his wife needed medical attention. When officers arrived, she's subbed over the couch and he goes, I don't know what happened. And it did not take the officers long to figure out that this,

she died of blunt force trauma. Probably from when her head hit the toilet seat. But he had a quiet Christmas at least. I mean, at least he had a night, at least the husband had a nice Christmas, I guess. Well, the good news is he was convicted and will be spending the rest of his Christmases in jail. So I do give him credit for not trying to ruin Christmas for the kids.

She really did ruin Christmas though. Damn. I give him a little bit of credit. All right. You want my top, my number one draft pick Dick? I mean he could have, he probably could have left her in bed and hid the body like, and just told the kids She was too drunk to come out. Maybe that might have been better Santa took her to the North Pole

Great time and every time we see a Christmas tree think of mommy and how happy we are that it's quiet now Don't mind that she's turning blue Yeah, I don't think bringing her out was the best move. Well, dragging her out by the arm, right? It's like, god damn. Like, how is a kid do you not know? I completely disagree. The wrong move was calling the police. Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah. Because the police are probably doing their own Christmas thing. They don't really want to go hunting around for murderers on, you know, day after Christmas. Yeah. for murderers on you know day after Christmas. He did kind of turn himself in in the most you know dumbest way possible but yeah okay what's the what's the winner? Alright I got a guy for you this guy's a Bruce Pardo and he is a legend dick if you don't know about this guy he is a fucking legend okay now he's a scumbag from way back, right?

He's what he was 24 years old. He knocked up this girl promised her he was gonna marry her Stole three thousand dollars from her left her at the office and moved to Palm Springs. Okay, look at the altar He just fucking gone and that kid after the child was born. It was his first son Yeah, he was supposed to be watching him when he was about 13 months old, and he accidentally dropped him in a pool, and the kid nearly drowned. The boy lost the ability to walk and suffered from brain damage.

Jesus. Oh, okay, yeah. And then Pardo once again abandoned that family. He was like, okay, I gotta go. I gotta go, I messed this up. He's just a piece of shit. So by 2006, he marries a woman named Sylvia Ortega. She has three kids from another relationship. By 2008, they're on the rocks. Crippled babies. Mama

found him. She wants money. He's having all sorts of financial problems because he refused to have a joint checking account with his other wife. He was just spending all of his money doing whatever. He should have been doing more with the other guy was saying, taking care of his family. He was not. He was just blowing his money wherever. He gets fired from his job as an engineer. He was padding hours. He was cheating his boss. He's just a scumbag. He loses everything. She throws him out of the house, the kids are gone. You would think he'd be happy with this. Yeah. No, not happy.

Okay. Christmas Eve 2008, 11.30 PM. He goes to Sylvia Ortega's family where they're having their Christmas. He shows up dressed as Santa Claus. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Under one arm he has a very large gift wrapped package. the other hand he has a 9mm semi-automatic cams on. Okay.

He goes, hey Nick! Knocks on the door. Yeah. When the door opens it was his 8 year old niece who's like, oh Uncle Bruce is here. He shoots her in the head. First person is his 8-year-old niece. Santa, all right. Santa.

Now people are panicking and running all over this house. Yeah. He starts shooting. One of the victims escapes, calls a neighbor. The police theorize that Pardo killed some of the family execution style from where they were shot, including his ex-wife. But then he opened up the package that he had with him, and he had built himself a homemade flamethrower.

For what? He built this thing himself. Well, for burning down the family's house and everybody's for me. Okay, got it. So he starts spraying the house with gasoline that he also brought with him in the other part of the bucket, and he then sets the house and some of the victims on fire with his makeshift flamethrower. Okay. Now, the police are on their way. He's hearing the sirens, the fire department's coming. So he escapes. But as he's trying to escape, he spills gasoline all over his Santa Sue and he's trying to

run through a flaming house. So he catches himself on fire. And now he's... Jackety-Sanctus playing. He just had to over-egg it, right? He just had to try to do the prestige. Almost as bad, yeah. I'm gonna come do the murders,

and I'm gonna burn everybody down, but I'm gonna do it with some style. I'm gonna wear the cape, right? I'm gonna become Santa to do it, and that's what did him in. Absolutely. Now, he rolls around on the ground. I'm gonna wear the cape, right? I'm gonna become Santa to do it. And that's what did him in. Absolutely. Now he rolls around on the ground.

Yeah. But he's burnt all over his body. The polyester suit is now melding with his skin because like he's burnt that badly. But he somehow gets into a truck and drives 30 miles to his brother's house. Now his brother is out celebrating Christmas with his family, having a nice old time. Well, guess what happens when his brother's house. Now his brother is out celebrating Christmas with his family

having a nice old time. Well guess what happens when his brother gets home? He finds his brother Bruce half burned alive in the side of his living room and shot himself in front of the Christmas Not very Christmasy. This motherfucker had to ruin everybody's Christmases. You could have just killed yourself somewhere else. Did you have to go into your brother's living room? And make a big mess inside. Like just go and stay outside if you're going to shoot yourself in the head. Don't come into my house with a Santa suit stuck to your, like burned into your

body and blow your brains out on the, on the couch. Merry Christmas. Damn. You know the good news from this is that little boy who's dropped in the pool. It's just so annoying. Oh man. Time to go home on a rough night. Oh great. A dead body. You know how pissed off I would be if I come in and like I see this mess and then my dogs

are running and starting to lick it it I gotta wrangle up the dog Oh no Damn it Bruce Tracking burnt body everywhere There's blood everywhere There's like a mist everywhere I'll fuck them I do not want to clean up corpse today Ah okay

The good news is though that little boy that got dropped in the pool and couldn't walk Grew up to be crippled Jesus Oh's nice. So that's where he comes from. So, yeah, those are my creep off Christmas all-stars, Dick. Hope you enjoyed them. Man, they all have a twist, Vinny. That's what I love about these creeps. They're not just straight down the road. They all got a twist at the end. When Carl and I started the show, we we were like how long could this last? Yeah, how how could you possibly do this? But I am I amazed every week weekend and week out Someone has done something completely heinous and stupid. No, it's crazy. Has it getting has it been getting worse

Do you think like the creeps you cover they getting more and more bizarre? There's you know what man I'll tell you what legitimately concerns me. Mm-hmm. There are fucking pedos everywhere everywhere fucking everywhere it is Startling the stories that we read about these people, these absolute freaks. And that's what scares me more than the Axe murderers

and the guys who's chopping off your dick and eating it on Christmas. Yeah, you can avoid that, I'm pretty sure. You can totally blame Kevin Bacon for that, that was his own fault. Yeah. But when kids are victimized, and they are, there's insane amount of sex trafficking and stuff like that out there

That's why I try to support a lot of like the the pedophile hunting YouTube channels and stuff like that Like I give them money I love that they're out there finding these people and embarrassing them publicly because if they don't who's going to Yeah, it doesn't seem to be important to anybody else who's going to. Yeah, it doesn't seem to be important to anybody else. Like, getting, shaking down grandmas for like pocket knives at Christmas fair, that seems to be what cops want to do. But like the main thing that everyone would be really hype if they did, which is chase down pedophiles. They just don't seem to be. I see a lot more pictures of pounds of weed

that were confiscated than I do bodies of pedophiles that were found and terminated. Yeah, go ahead. No, I'm sorry. You're absolutely right. You would think that they would perp walk these people all day and that there should be just massive amount of money being dumped into protecting kids from this stuff

and it's just not there. Yeah, did you see, let me bring up this picture There should be just massive amount of money being dumped into protecting kids from this stuff. And it's just not there. Yeah, did you see... Let me bring up this picture. Because this is the... I mean, I hate to get like... I hate to be one of these, like, cops only exist to protect rich people's property people. But it's kind of hard to argue with that with...

When shit like this is on the main page of every paper. Let me switch the camera over here. Yeah. Is this it? OK, this one. So this is the Luigi guy. Luigi, Luigi Mangione is being escorted by, it seems like every law enforcement agency in America here with multiple assault weapons. We got ICE, we got the police, we got the FBI escorting him like he's Hannibal Lecter

or like it's a Fast and Furious sequel. You know, I'm surprised he's not in one of those like Hannibal Lecter masks, you know, so that so if anybody who gets picked for the jury happens to see this they know immediately that he's a guilty psychopath. But I don't understand this. I've never seen this sort of show for any other murder. The guy who lit the woman on fire on the subway certainly didn't get this. You know, the guy who attacked Nick Fuentes didn't get this. They're not dragging him around Chicago from a chariot. Like, look at this guy that we fucking killed. Stop trying to murder people for shit that they say online.

Yeah, it's crazy. Go ahead. Do you find it weird that this guy's, you know, the reaction to this man's crime was fairly positive? Do I find that weird? No, I find it weird that like the reaction to it was fairly positive. And this is the reaction that the government does is they surround him by all these people and they make a show about how heinous and terrible it is because they're trying to send the message that this is not good.

This is the worst thing you could do. And they're trying to scare people and not doing what he did. Yeah, I do kind of get the feeling that I'm being threatened with this picture. Like, oh yeah? Oh, okay. Yeah, like you're next. Yeah, like I'm next. Oh, I guess I really shouldn't celebrate, you know?

Because the health insurance company, their mental wellness portal that they send me five emails about every day, while they're not approving my MRI, they got plenty of people there to bombard me with reminders about my deteriorating mental health, right? And then I can log into their web portal and learn to meditate, right?

And in the web portal, it tells me to take joy in things I can't change, you know? Don't obsess about these things. If there's something you can't change, just realize that and try to take joy in it. And I'm doing a shitload of that when I see this healthcare CEO get murdered. I'm like, well, I can't change that.

I guess I better take as much joy as I possibly can on it. Because what he did, he did the equivalent, the technological equivalent of summoning a demon to make everyone in America's lives worse, which is the AI automatic denial of health insurance claims. Which is, it's not like, okay, so you don't, all right, so how would you react to it this way? If I phrased it like this,

the CEO said, I found a magic tome, a necronomicon, that if I read a passage from, a demon would spring forth. See, we had this process of people applying for healthcare, and we had human beings there reviewing the cases, and they were denying a lot of them. They were doing a pretty good job of denying you your care that your doctor, who went to med school for 12 years,

said that you should get. He's a scam artist, probably working for a scam artist hospital. You're obviously a scam artist. We're the only ones here protecting you, vis-a-vis ourselves, right? We had a lot of humans here, and we did a pretty good job of training them

to deny everything, but a lot was sneaking through. So what I did was I bought this Necronomicon from the tomb of St. Nicholas that they uncovered in Romania, and there was a passage that I, there was an incantation that I read that summoned forth a demon that would more aggressively deny healthcare to people because he has no connection to human life and in fact grew more powerful with the extinguishing

of human life and the increase in suffering in the human world. And I said, yeah, the guy who did that out of the spell book and summoned the demon, somebody killed him. That's a great day. The people would rejoice. They would say that's great. Yeah, no, what if I said it wasn't a demon? It was a fucking AI that he paid some money for Indians to cobble together and that machine

is what did the denial. They say, how does the machine work? I don't know. How did the demon work? I don't know. But that's what happened. Like, is that helping? Is that helping anyone who's still confused

over who's right and wrong in this scenario? Is that fucking secret, right? But I do, they are, it does seem like a threat, the way they're marching this guy in. Well, you know, they have to show the force there because the reactions from people, again, mostly positive, but you watch the media reactions, they're law and order now all of a sudden about everything. Oh yeah, cause they're getting paid by healthcare companies,

like most of their ad revenue is healthcare. We're all about protesting. Everybody can protest everything they want to. Obviously we don't want violence, but it happens sometimes. Well, we have it. Um, like I can't change it. There's violence, there's women getting lit on fire on the subway.

I voted for a guy to get rid of all those fire lighting guys and cars that drive. Voted for a guy whose number one promise was, I'm going to take all the cars that are driving into markets and I'm going to send them back to the factory. I said, that's awesome. I'm gonna take all the cars that are driving into markets, and I'm gonna send them back to the factory. I said, that's awesome! I'm sick of those fucking cars! I fucking- I'm tired of those fucking cars! I'm tired of talking about it, I'm tired of thinking about it, I'm tired of being accosted about it on every platform, every single fucking second of the day, I'm sick of it!

Send them back to the fucking factory! Great job, but that's all I can do! So whether he does or doesn't I got to take joy in that Or else or else my health insurance will tell me that I'm making myself sick, right? Well, it's nice to see that you are taking joy Okay, hey Are we thinking? Are we thinking trailer park boys show? How do you feel about that?

Any day of the week, but you know, I love trailer park boys the greatest show in the world me too, man Even when it gets bad, I still love it Let's have a watch every piece of shit thing they've ever made and they have made a lot of pieces of shit You were you dressed up as who you dressed up as who for in the trailer park boys you sent me that picture Oh, no, I was hanging out with Leahy and Randy. Oh, that's right Yeah, I was at a thing and they were there and I just ripped my shirt off and just jumped in a picture with them I had a blast those guys were great fucking Leahy. God rest his soul John Dunsworth was so cool to watch with fans

because they were just parading people in there with him and he stayed in character with them and he was just this nice, genuine, gracious guy, but falling over pretending to be drunk over everyone. It was just like, I've been to a million things. I work in a comedy club where we do meet and greets with people. I stand in the back, I watch people take pictures and they don't smile. Fucking John Dunsworth was a prince of a man. RIP. Man, he just seemed to be having so much fun. Every time I saw him, have you seen the video of him pouring cement in his property?

Yeah, yeah. He was doing it with the rocks and stuff. Yeah, he's having a ball. The happiest guy in the world. He's like, yeah, like him, him being drunk on trailer park boys and being evil is like him at his happiest, you know, like that's how he seemed to naturally be. Yeah, let's let's do it. Let's talk. Let's talk with Tony and figure out how we're going to do it. You know who we got to who we got to interview?

We got to get Mike Klatenberg. Oh, yeah. The guy, he's around, man. We could get that guy. You know who we got to interview? We got to get Mike Klatenberg. Oh yeah. The guy, he's around, man. We could get that guy. Yeah, let's fucking do it, man. I threw it out on the biggest problem, but I've been thinking about it every day since then. I got a ton of shit on my plate and a baby.

So I want to try to- We're going to need you to do all of the work. That's fine. If you don't mind. I need somebody to produce it. Vito's already stepped up to the plate to be every character all at once. Yeah, but it'll be a lot of fun.

I love that show. One episode at a time. Everybody watches the episode. Then we talk about the episode. Take notes. And when we're out of episodes, then it's over. That's it. Alright, Vinny, you got anything that makes you rage?

No. Yeah, actually I do. Christmas anything right now. The shit that I've been dragged to over the last week, dick. Unbelievable. I'll tell you what made me a rage. Fucking Instagram and my wife on Instagram. That made me a rage. She goes to me about a week ago, honey, I know you've been really busy.

I know you work at a comedy club where you have to work nights and you're there, you know, six days a week and you're, you bust your ass, week and you're you bust your ass but I'd like you to take me on a Christmas adventure. The two worst words you ever want to hear. Never want to hear even. What's a Christmas adventure? sub Instagram story about this antique Christmas like village. Yeah. That's supposedly very, very nice. You go out there and get a nice holiday like brunch, get your holiday buzz on or all this shit.

Yeah. Like go get some hot like people are caroling in the streets. Like you're going to go and add like this great Christmas experience. And I go well If that's what you want to do. Yeah, I'll take you. Where is it? two and a half hours away They don't have any Christmas spectacles closer to home You got a job. No, this is the one though. The Nick Fuentes assassin drove to kill him two and a half hours. Did you see that that motherfucker arm with a crossbow?

Nick murder like a dungeon for the dragon for that. Yeah, he murdered a family dude. He's he belongs on your show We'll get there Didn't have a flamethrower or anything. I mean come come on. Oh no, he had an incendiary device. Nick Fuentes said he had a gun, an automatic weapon, a crossbow, and an incendiary device. He was locked up like a, like, like Resident Evil. Got a good loadout, yeah. Yeah, he had his loadout in.

Well, I'm gonna go ahead and say that the people at this place that my wife dragged me to are lucky I did not have those things. Yeah, right. That day. Because I show up there, she goes, it's like three buildings of Christmas stuff. And then there's the village and I get there, there's a gas station. There's a closed taco place.

A Christmas gas station? No, a regular gas station. A regular Hess. A regular goddamn Hess station. Okay. We go to these shops. Dick, I have been to Merrier Estate Sales in this place. It was like this old, disgusted, fucking antique shop. You can tell everything that's in there has been there for a decade. Like, they have Christmas stores here. This was the Christmas, this is the Christmas.

This was the Christmas fest adventure. Yeah. What is your surprise? But you're thinking like, oh, this is going to be good because I'm going to hammer her all the way home about this and how miserable it is. Right. Do you have are you able to do that? Oh, I'm able to express my frustrations,

but I did not hammer her because that would have, I give her credit, because she was like, holy shit, they really misrepresented this. It was like the Willy Wonka thing, remember that? The online. Yes! Yeah.

Yes, except if it was just filled with dead people's things that I don't want. There's all these antique Christmas ornaments Yes, except if it was just filled with dead people's things that I don't want. There's all these antique Christmas ornaments that just look shitty and old. Oh, no. You know what I'm talking about? Like, you put this shit on your tree, you're going to get a ghost. Like this stuff that they're selling here. Someone else's dog fur. Yeah. Do you want this sparky ornament, honey? Did you get anything to remind her of the flub?

Oh, I bought her a reindeer ornament. Oh yeah, good. That was good. I'm a great guy like that, so I've been trying to explain this all time. Of the greatest. You didn't drive home in silence the whole time? No, oh, we got to listen to her Christmas music playlist.

That was nice too. Oh, we got to listen to her Christmas music playlist. That was nice, too. Oh. Great guy, Vinny. As you can tell, I've gotten over all of this. I feel a lot better. Those winter wonderlands, man. Every year, it's your job. It's your task as a man to try to avoid it this year.

It's like every time the Haunted Hayride comes around. Yes. Yeah. It's like, oh, I saw it on Instagram. I'm like, don't you look on fucking, anytime any of my friends are like, oh, we're thinking about going to the Haunted Hayride. I'm like, you guys are fucking suckers.

Don't you dare text both of us about any Haunted Hayride tickets or any Winter Wonderland tickets. Get out of here. This was kind of good because now I have this car in my back pocket. Like, did you research this one, hon? Did you look it up? Because I remember last Christmas

driving five hours for a goddamn haunted reindeer ornament. We drove to God, it was it was a haunted house, but it was on the Queen Mary, which is like a twin of the Titanic, I guess. It's a nearly identical ship. And I went in knowing that it would be fucked. I'm like, oh no, there's no way they turned a ship into a good haunted house. And sure enough, it's because I mean,

a haunted house is like tight corridors and stuff where people jump out of like plywood. Like, this is like a working industrial ship, like from the 1910s. Like, it's not really suited for a haunted house type of environment. So sure enough, we're walking around and you're in the bowels of the ship, but then there's monsters popping out at you. So it's kind of it doesn't really work. Cause your immersion is not at a level which you will believe the possibility of ghosts, right? You're just looking around.

Yeah. Were they like sailor ghosts? Uh, no. That's like Donald Duck. No, no. So that was also part of it. Cause I'm like, why isn't there like a theme? Why isn't this like a ship themed,

like a shipwreck kind of thing? Was Frankenstein in the Navy? What is this? Why is this? And then we walked out and I remember the look on her face. I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh. She's like, don't even, don't start yet. Not yet. Not yet.

You can say it all, but not right now. I'm like, uh-huh. And the line was just like enormous. A friend of ours, I think hooked up with two guys on Grindr while we were there. So that was already upset. Like, you mean this is... On the Queen Mary? You're kidding.

They rub it in your face though. The guys who are doing Grindr? Yeah, that's how they do it. Sorry. Yeah, it must be nice for you to just go get off whenever you want. The hamburger berry. Take your prep. Yeah.

Anyway, Vinny, it's nice talking to you. Thank you for having me. I was having a little trouble hearing you guys, but thank you. Oh, were you? Yeah, it's all good. It's all good. Oh, you got it. Those 13, 14 ones.

No, we got them. Oh, we got it? Okay. All right, Vinny. See you later. See you later, guys. Thanks again. Oh, we got it. Okay. All right Vinny. All right. See you later guys. Thanks again Thank you and creep off comm. Thanks. Hey, are you going to hackamania? Oh shit Well, that was his answer. Yes. Yes. Yes Okay, man, those creeps are disturbing creep motherfuckers. Yeah Harriet Tubman is in a new video game? Wow. All right.

Did you need to? Were you looking for that? Well, after recently beating Nat Turner's punch out, I figured Harriet Tubman in the game would be pretty good too. Yeah, Nat Turner's punch out, huh? Yeah. Well, you have to fight for your right to fight for your right. Yeah, yeah.

Here is S uh, Civ... Sid Meyers. Is this gonna get young men? Is this gonna rope them into the Democratic Party? The freedom fighter Harriet Tubman leads unstoppable movements in Civilization, uh, Seven is what it's called. Man, I don't wanna play as Harriet Tubman in a video game like... I want the Harriet Tubman magic expansion now. I don't even play it, but that...

Tap tubs, tap the tub to Crip Walk. So if they've got a swamp with a crypt on it, all black creatures can escape. All your, all black creatures can escape. Yeah. All your opponent's black creatures can escape. Tap Harriet Tubman so all your opponent's black creatures can escape. At what point did we cross the line from reverence to like extreme irreverence?

Well, that's what this is. Like, I'm okay with playing as Napoleon because he's like a bad guy. Yeah. Like he's a general. They killed people, they were killed. You know, I'm not really, I don't really wanna play as Harry. Is there ice cream named after him?

I mean. Yeah, I just don't wanna think about it, man. Can I opt out of Harriet Tubman? Can I click a box to get rid of that Tyler Perry movie on Netflix? I watched it I thought that would make it go away first Netflix said I had to watch it or else I couldn't watch the new trailer park boys. I was like alright. I'll watch it and Then it said we got we we didn't register that you watched it

Now that's what I'll go yeah. Yeah, I was like I have to watch it again All right, so I watched it again God I said all hell no when Hitler came on. He's like hell no, right just to make because it's listening. Yeah, and then it said ah Sorry, you got to do it again no way come on There's got to be a setting where I could go. There's got to be a Netflix setting where I could say I'm not black Stop stop. I'm just waiting for the George Lucas version of Star Wars with Harriet Tubman in it too. That was called Red Wings. Oh, was that?

Or was that a Spielberg joint? I guess so. Um, well, I don't know. Maybe she's very, maybe she's OP. You know? Maybe she's overpowered. Is John Henry Billed of Harriet Tubman? God.

What the fuck am I supposed to think about? Harriet Tubman, is Helen Keller in here? The game? Helen Keller? Civilization? Yeah, you have to be a fraud the whole time. Yeah. Just make it up.

Tap to pretend to be deaf. Magic expansion cap. Tap to throw your shit everywhere? Yeah, man, that would be a good set. Can 4chan trick Hasbro into making a black power Magic the Gathering set? Maybe. All black set. All black, Harriet Tubman.

Just waiting for all the fire alarm cards to start coming out. Cassius Clay, Muhammad Ali, or Planeswalkers, obviously Commander deck. Malcolm X. That'd be a good deck. That would be a good deck! That would be a good deck. That would be a good deck. Kvasieh, you could have his mana.

Get Farrakhan as a backup. Oh man, he died, I felt bad. I saw that and was like, ah. I love listening to his racist rants, you know? That's where I learned it all from, actually. Yeah, yeah. That was too bad. Me growing up listening to Minister Farrakhan my whole life, you know? He still had it, even at the end.

Mm-hmm. You mean had it correct, yeah. This is the way he talked. I was like, whoa, man. Great, could listen to anything, yeah. This is the way he talked. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I think I was making fun of him for his wife leaving him. That's always a funny thing. People don't like that joke. Fuck your wife, man. Who cares? Talking about Nick Fuentes getting assassinated.

A horrible story of provocative, controversial podcaster Nick Fuentes, who was almost murdered in his home. Did you hear this story? This is so shocking, I didn't even talk about it for a day because I was just sort of looking at it like, oh my God. Yeah, right, yeah, right, right. I had to see where everyone would line up. Somebody murdered, I guess, his family

and then went on a road trip to apparently try to murder Nick Fuentes at his house. So knocks on his door, and apparently the only reason that Fuentes didn't answer his door is that he was doing a podcast at that moment. All he had to do was answer the door and he'd be dead. All he had to do was answer his own front door while he was home. But he couldn't because he was on his podcast to save his life. Now, I would make the following advice.

If you're producing content that's making people want to drive hundreds of miles to your house and kill you, you might want to drive hundreds of miles to your house and kill you. You might want to think about that. Really? Bro, you and you worthless boomer fucks made this world. That is... that is, um, hell. It's all fun and games until someone kills him over Dilbert, you know? Yeah.

Uh, Scott, we don't have a choice. See, because you, you and your, uh, uh, entitled, self-absorbed, your, the whole lot of you, have turned this world into dog shit, where insane people are running amok, where you can't fall asleep on the subway Because someone will light you on fire not rape you which would be reasonable Woman could fell asleep on the subway and got raped. Oh, yeah, that makes sense I wouldn't fall so I mean I would I would try not to fall asleep if I was a woman on subway

Some some woman fell asleep on the subway some hamster was she raped no a guy lit her on fire Why why would he why would he do that? Some woman fell asleep on the subway, something happened to her. Was she raped? No, a guy lit her on fire. Why? Why would he do that? You did this. You boomers made this world with all of your bullshit and your fixation on not being racist and not noticing a goddamn thing that was happening around us. So we have to now create content, we have to say things that people will kill us for! Be it the government or banks or companies

or random psychopaths will be gassed up into committing murder by people exactly like fucking you! People that you would go to dinner with and shake their hand and say I've always, oh I've always watched you on the news. You have such a great list of merits from our fine learning institutions. I'm so proud of you. You will sit there and say, well, shipping coffee from what might as well be an oversized tit. You fucking cocksucker. You arrested development piece of shit.

How fucking dare you, how dare you in your last moments Lecture anyone on what kind of fucking content they're making a guy who one time Scott Adams one time Said what everyone thinks all the fucking time right and he had his life ruined I'm not even gonna say it, but we all know what it was We're all thinking it all the time We're saying it in some kind of fucked up stupid way to get around the censors, right? So we cannot be fired by somebody exactly like you You did it once and you fucked and you and you and you fucked up your life, right? Nick Funtas has done it for years over and over and over years if you're not making content that people want to kill you for, what are you making? Mm-hmm.

Shit. You're making shit. If somebody doesn't hear that and go, I gotta fucking kill that guy. Heh. That guy said, what about, what about whose? I gotta fucking, he's gotta go. I have no, I'm so blasted.

My brain is so scrambled. That is so revolting and contrary to everything I have no- I'm so blasted, my brain is so scrambled, that is so revolting, and contrary to everything I have learned, my only recourse is to- is violence. To stomp it out so I- so I never hear that again. That's good. That's a good stomp, yeah. That's a good stomp. That is the stomp that we're- that we're going for.

This content should be rewarded, none of this, well, well you know I don't agree with everything he's saying. No, this guy nailed it. Somebody showed up and- John Lennon. Somebody showed up and killed him. Because his content was so fucking good! You boomer piece of shit! RFK, his dad, right? John F. Kennedy, if you get killed, your content was fire.

That's the rule. Martin Luther King, the FBI tried to kill him. I guess he should have rethought it. No, they only got John Lennon because they were just tired of The Beatles. I can't believe this shit, man. Well, if you're making content that somebody wants to drive three hours and kill you for... Make him drive ten. Kill him? How about that? What was that noise?

Somebody's trying to kill me. Someone drove three hours. Just a clueless piece of shit, man. They've been trying to kill men. They've been trying to kill young men our whole lives. And they're not stopping. Why is there an army recruitment officer at every high school? Why is that happening? Why is it why is it sat your every sporting event saturated with this jingo shit? Because

they want us dead or rung or rung out or rung out into husks. Okay let me get to some comments. How's the sound? Does it sound okay to everyone? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh about your whole identity. If someone's trying to kill you, you should really change every single part about you. Okay. I guess I'll just not say, well if I'm not saying it then I got it, then I'm changing internally, right? Like, I'll try to dumb it down. Telling you it's all fun and games till someone goes after Scott Adams. Chodley says, in Ireland, one million people died because the potatoes became diseased. Today, another million men will die because women ate all the potatoes.

Yeah, that's probably true. I saw him spotted in the wild. Hey, Dick, don't read my name on the show. I haul junk for a living. And today we were tasked with cleaning out an apartment where a tenant was a junkie that had been incarcerated Which in turn caused him to get evicted the unit was basically untouched But it was a complete drug den Havel in the main bedroom on the top shelf of this guy's bookshelf sat this

I couldn't believe it when my eyes caught this diamond in the rough No idea what the crime was probably something drug theft related, although we are in Seattle. So it was probably something serious. We found a handgun and a bunch of stolen electronics and tools. I didn't take any more photos. OK, here's the photo. So this guy shows up at a drug den.

Sweet. Of a guy who's just got incarcerated for violence and mayhem. Let's see. Let's see what's the pictures of. The old chaos and mayhem. Let's see Let's see. What's the pictures of the old chaos and mayhem man? Undefeated combo the old ultraviolence. Yeah, here we go. There's the there's the photo. No shit That is a copy of isom still in the wrapper unread I'm sure Who clearly yeah rapper? still in the wrapper, unread I'm sure. Oh clearly, yeah, if it's in the wrapper. Typical ISOM fan, box fan sitting in the middle of the fucking room, big pile of trash, trash everywhere.

The box fan is the saddest part. In the room, yeah. Oh well, thanks for sending that in. The box fan is the saddest part in the room, yeah Well Thanks for Thanks for sending that in just cleaning it up the cleaning up the streets one apartment at a time Getting rid of these bums. I saw I'm really appealed to this guy. Yeah, I gotta get my life together like Eric I'm sick of being a junkie got to go stand up for my pride, you know, so you could being a reprobate All right, Glen J says,

Hey Dick, I hear you've been getting a lot of congratulations on the news of the pregnancy. Before I offer mine, I thought I should qualify how not gay it is. Firstly, I'm a straight white male. When I was 18, a friend of mine took me to the biggest gay club in Sydney. At the time, I was fresh twink meat for all these beautiful hunks. Uh oh. You've messed something, you've made a mistake. These what? Many have tried, but none have succeeded.

I'm sorry, first of all, fresh twink meat, that's gay. Beautiful hunks. That's gonna be a gay out of 10 statement. No sooner had I walked through the doors of the club when I was set upon by a slightly older man, who I can only presume was homosexual. He started kissing me aggressively and rubbing my cock. You're gay, bro. You don't know wax on?

Wax off? What the hell are you talking about? He started aggressively rubbing my cock. This guy should be on creep off. This took a hard turn. Oh, I'm so surprised. Oh, man. He was just aggressively kissing on me. Oh, man. Talking about he started aggressively rubbing my cock this guy should be on creep off this Oh, man, he's just aggressively kissing on me. Oh, man my cock. Yeah smooch smooch Okay He thrust his tongue in my mouth

Bro, you're gay. Yeah thrust his tongue in my mouth and stubble scratched my cheeks. What the fuck who which cheeks I? Pushed him away shocked. I asked, who are you? Get the fuck away from me! Who cares who he is? What are you talking about? He asked it sassily. Who are you? Looking bewildered, he shook his head, pointed at his ear and replied, Ibb death? Next thing I knew he grabbed me by the hand and led me to a toilet stall in the club. He dropped to his knees and started sucking me off. Okay, this is just gay.

It was one of the greatest blow jobs of my life. I finished in minutes. Once he was done, he got up, left the stall, and I never saw him again. I went and found my mate to regroup. Not quite sure what to make of the previous 10 minutes. Reflecting on the experience today, I'm pretty sure that the deaf guy was gay.

Oh, I'm deaf, he said. And knowing it wasn't the last time I let a guy suck me off in a nightclub bathroom I guess that does make me a little gay too With that I'm qualified. I'm pretty confident when I say it isn't gay when I say congratulations on getting your girlfriend pregnant. Okay. Thank you I hope you get a laugh out of this. It's like an aristocrat's joke Finally someone guys you're supposed to tell me how not gay it is. Oh, I guess he's so gay that he can say it's gay. Or he's so gay that he can say it's not gay. He's got sucked off multiple times by guys in the club only to determine.

That's a homophobic stereotype. So not as gay as he says he is if he's making homophobic stereotypes Thanks for the congratulations Our gay guys all worried about somebody putting them in like a rape shelter dungeon and eating their dicks It doesn't sound like it if it keeps happening it does happen a lot. Mm-hmm Why is that it happens as much as I thought there would be quicksand problems when I was a kid. So constantly and always. Yeah. I would always think like, there's probably going to be some quicksand issues when I grow up, but actually there's just gay guys getting roofied and having their dicks eaten.

On Christmas. Yeah. Isn't that funny how things are different than when you were a kid? You know, they just- I think it's all gonna be out quicksand, but it's about being gay. We'll get you your dick eaten by another gay psycho. Wasn't prepared for any of it. Aidan says, dumb Jaguar shit.

Hey, Dick. I live in the UK, and I have a few friends that work at Jaguar. Catching up on the show, I just heard your reaction to the new advert, and I thought I'd pass on what I heard. From my understanding, the goal is to target new money influencers and the like and enough people who work at the company hate the campaign to the point that they've had memos telling them to stop bullying the marketing department or they'll kill themselves

I'm gonna sew my dick back on and cut it off if you don't stop teasing me in the UK we've got a somewhat left-wing government That just won the election but did so with an awful share of the votes They got a third of the votes but ended up with almost two-thirds of the parliamentary seats So the idea that this is popular is even out of touch over here Cheers for the show and congrats on the kid full gayness. Okay Very gay Smooches for Johnny. Yeah, Netflix did that too. The reason they crammed all this DEI shit in everything is because they thought there would

be new... they thought there was like hidden trans people in them hills. Like, oh, you go... we got to make some trans shows or some shit. Because they're all holding their money back. And it turned out to not be true. So Jaguar, I guess, didn't get the memo. It put Sean and I out of work. Yeah, it did. Literally, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Hollywood had a great model of ads, where they make stuff that people want to watch, and then they put ads on it. So companies pay them to make stuff that people want to watch and then they put ads on it so companies pay them to make shit that people want to watch. That was the model. Great business model. Yeah. So then they said, you know what? This has worked for 60 years, 70 years. Let's just fuck it up. Let's fuck it up. Let's move to a stock model where our companies will have stocks and the stock price will

determine if we're doing well. So all we need is metrics for that. So we just need more subscribers. So let's make just increasingly bizarre and highly targeted esoteric content for like the increasingly dwindling amount of people who aren't paying $8 for entertainment. How'd that work? Oh, it didn't. Yeah, it worked so great.

Nobody wants this shit. Chris Primer, loser Captain Picard. I remember this episode being more open-ended about Q talking the Captain Picard back into his past, or if it was a hallucination, while on the operating table. I may have a false memory of Worf disrespecting the Captain Picard when he's just a science lieutenant, but I do remember Riker not giving a shit about Pic car. No, Riker was being a dickhead. The guy who wrote in about your take on the CEO killer was a bit of an eye roller. Personally I think Elizabeth Warren is a corporatist who has bamboozled her supporters into thinking she's on their side. Regardless,

you don't have to support universal health care to be pissed at the insurance industry who have been working with the government for decades now. I almost, I heard almost half of all health care is now paid for by the government anyway. Yeah, that wouldn't surprise me. Stephen March speaking of about the surfing. Although I live on the coast now I grew up in Ohio in the 80s so all water sports seem kind of gay. I guess I'm just too old to change my opinion now. Swimming is gay? All right. But you know what? Maybe you're right. A bunch of sweaty, half-naked men with flowing feminine hair grunting and struggling to ride a long, hard,

wet, phallic object. Nothing gay about that. Dude, you are gay. If that's what you're thinking about with surfing. That's... He should have qualified it. Yeah. You're gay. Lying to my parents have qualified it. Yeah, you're gay. Lying to my parents for seven years. Hey, took about a year ago, I wrote in for advice. To recap, I had been lying to my parents about my education for seven years.

They believed I was graduating soon with degrees in history and law. The latter a lie to buy more time. I remember this kid. But I hadn't completed a single credit hour. I lived with my Asian parents who paid for school. Each year I'd register for courses, attend for two or three weeks,

then spend money fucking around, playing video games, photoshopping my transcripts and tax forms, and avoiding planning for interactions, which could blow my cover. It was exhausting. In the final three years of this charade, I started working online and earned $100,000. My parents thought it was full of was part-time work and were

exceptionally proud of how I balanced my responsibilities. Things were coming to our head so I wrote you, the voice I trust the most. You called me sheltered and retarded and said I was fucked. You told me to blow up where I was and see where the chips fall. Well, you know, I Got bad news for you. The end is near. Yeah, so get out in front of it. The next day after hours of once more Trying to lie my way out. I confessed Their reaction was more measured than I expected. We knew something was off, but you've made things tough for yourself.

That's too bad, they said, as they'd always give me a chance and would keep supporting me financially as long as I had a plan. That conversation made me realize that my life is mine. The approval of my parents had meant more to me than the reality of my future. At 24, I moved out of my parents' basement into a shitty apartment near campus and bought a 2009 Civic with 220,000 kilometers. I enrolled in CS courses, paying for them myself, and qualified for the honors program. I'll graduate at 28. I still work part-time and feel better than I ever have. I buy my own groceries.

I get laid sometimes. I even listen to your show less often. Sean was cured. He never had to listen again. Amazing. Not to be all gay and dramatic, but I forgot what normal thoughts and decision-making felt like

without having to consider what someone in the position I'm supposed to be in would do or say. You were thinking like a woman. That's how women think all the time. Oh man, what should I be thinking and saying? They don't have anything that's actually thinking or saying anything inside of them, so they got to think like that. You do have something inside of you.

I felt like a clamp was released from around my skull and I feel amazing. Thank you for the advice and the entertainment. Also Johnny is great but please bring Sean back often. The Chronically Offline Interacting with the Chronically Online was a highlight of your show. Sean does need to take a break from the internet. Congrats on the kid. Hickeys for Johnny. Sofonda Cox. Hmm. Odd name. Maybe he's an immigrant or something. Sofonda is his first name.

Sofonda is his first name. Why are you so zoomed out? I don't know. What the fuck, man? That's better. Veto comes in once and everything's all fucked. Do you remember that guy? I do.

Yeah, lying about becoming a lawyer and a doctor. That's funny. Yeah. Uh, that's exhausting. You just gotta give up the act, man. You gotta... Yeah. Uh, okay, woman alert.

Let's see here. Woman alert. Time's 2.15. Woman alert. Duck and cover, everybody. Here it is. A woman drives into fresh concrete. Okay. Attention on the road.

Yeah. That's good. Well. Attention on the road! I don't think that's gonna help. You don't pay attention on the road. Ah, fuck your concrete. The dangers of our lives are changed. Oh, man. She's still going! She's still driving through the concrete!

Oh, no. They spooked no, they spooked her. They spooked her. Oh my god. That's a nice. Woman drives into fresh concrete on a construction zone on the freeway. Twice. And does it again and makes it worse. Yeah.

Amazing. Yeah, it's like dealing with a scared horse. It's like, okay, it's gonna be okay. Okay, let's see what else I got here. Another woman alert. Woman alert. Woman alert. How do people? Oh, this is a woman showing you how to open a can of spices.

OK. You have spices like pepper and paprika and these sorts of things. They come in that bottle. And they have a cap that has a spoon side and then a hole side. The holes are for sprinkling, and the scoop is for scooping it out. Makes sense.

And then it's got that paper film under it when you first get it and you have to unscrew the cap and peel the film off and then you screw the cap back on. So it's tamper proof. Simply open the thing, right? Right. So let's see how this lady's explaining how to do it. Kansas spices like this cinnamon are so hard to open, you know, I'm tired of using knives So I've got she's trying to jam a knife into the into the tiny sprinkly holes. She called it cinnamon

Which leads me to believe that this is a rage bait video. Oh Cinnamon are so hard to open. You know, I'm tired of using knives. So I've got a hack for you guys. Because watch, if you use the knife, it never really fills the hole and leaves like a gap. You hardly get any out. So if you have a chopstick, can you see how it's tapered? Let me show you how it makes a way better hole and it will work for any can of spice.

Look at that. It's gotta be rage paid. It's gotta be. It's gotta be fake,. It's gotta be. It's gotta be fake, right? Tapered, what a word. Now you can. I don't know, is it dumber than driving through concrete?

Maybe. I don't know. Advice needed. Hey Dick, I sent you the first woman alert, white knight pediatrician. You and Johnny teed off on my camo jacket, which my wife also hates She sees that opportunity and tried using that episode to shame me out of wearing it ever again Well, don't do that

Yeah, don't do that I in return have doubled down purchased more camo clothing for myself and our kids and claim it's what you would have wanted Yes. Yeah, it looks terrible. And that's you're right certifying as that's what you would have wanted. Yes. It looks terrible and that's, you're right. Certifying as that's what I would have wanted, Dick. Is that what you would have wanted? That's what I would have wanted. Okay, so that is what we would have wanted. You should be known as the camo man around town

and that she would become the wife, it's the wife of the camo man. There goes camo guy. Can't even see him. Where'd he go? I can't even see him. Where'd he go? Don't stop with the camo until she comes home crying because someone said, you're the wife of the camo guy.

And why does he wear so much camo? Is he like a professional hunter or something? When she has to admit that it's her. When she feels like, when she's asked if she's the weird one, don't stop. More camo, camo truck, camo kids, face paint them. Camo vehicle wrapped house. Exactly.

Um... Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, or when Bam Bam and the little Irishman stayed at your house. Episode 159, you used that to justify never having kids. I cannot explain how much I look forward to future stories involving pregnancy and raising children. Phil from Kansas, oh man, me too. It's very, we got an ultrasound picture. First one, looks like a cocoona in there. The baby is like, you know the Pokemon? Yeah.

Looks like a little fish monster. Got a little tiny face? Right? No face at all. Just like, ah, like a little locust almost. Like an alien. Little goblin. Stressful though.

You know the womb is like the worst place for a baby. Fetus. Inside of a woman, correct. Yeah. Yeah. Anywhere else. You put a fetus in your eyeball, it has a better chance at surviving than it does in there. So, I don't know. I'll be celebrating a lot more in the new year.

Okay, that's the show everyone. You want to do some... Oh, well. Alright, you want to do some fat... Fat watch, today in fat news. That's the only thing that keeps me alive, man. Jay Fatwoman says, tolerate this for men. All right, let me see here. Chodley sent this in? See what you got, Chodley. Oh.

Yeah, OK. Thanksgiving, 2015, I was a girlfriend. This is a woman with her boyfriend. He looks normal. She looks like she's ready to explode. You can tell, with young women, you can tell at the top of the arm here. It's all in her face too.

Yeah. The face is coming to you from the future. And it's saying, I'm going to get fat. And then here you go. Thanksgiving 2024. I'm still a girlfriend. I hope this helps. So this is 2015, and this is 2024.

I think I can identify what happened. This is 2015, and this is 2024. I think I can identify what happened. Let me put my detective hat on. Are we following the bat right now? Yeah. Yes. OK. San Francisco weight czar is triggered

by other women asking for a smaller slice of cake. Parties. They have a weight czar in San Francisco? Alright, let's see the size. What do you think? Yeah. You think she is... When you think weight czar, what's your first initial reaction? Bad as fuck.

Well, you would think like, this is someone who's promoting health. Mm-hmm. Right? Oh, you would think. You would think. Right. Like if I had a safety czar for cars. I'm imagining someone in a high-vis vest and a construction hat and everything, right?

So you'd think a weight czar would be like a fitness model. Right, but these days I know exactly what that's coded for. Uh... This is like to hire a predator to catch a predator. Okay. Oh! Huh. She should be thrilled because then that means more cake for her, right? Yeah. She's triggered by other women asking for a smaller slice of cake. Okay. Let's see.

If you're like many women, you've been to a birthday party or a small office gathering. Is this real? An event that's meant to bring people together. There's swinging tunes, some adult beverages, and good convo. And then it comes time. So she's elected to wear- These candy necklaces? These candy-

Jawbreaker fucking necklaces? These are edible necklaces, and they're also noisy as fuck. So she's got her lapel mic with these little clacking balls that you can hear the whole time. She's gesticulating wildly. This is the most exercise she's got her lapel mic with these little clacking balls that you can hear the whole time. She's gesticulating wildly. This is the most exercise she's done all year.

Time to cut the cake and someone decides to ruin everything. Oh my god that slice is huge. That slice is bigger than Beyonce's paycheck. Can you cut me half of half of that? She had to get a voice coach. They had to get a skinny woman to read these lines so she could say them, repeat them, because she'd never heard these phrases. She'd never said the phrases before and couldn't get it. They got a big fat woman reading these lines, obviously mocking skinny women. A cake-related fatphobic incident or CRFI? No, this is not real! A CRFI! No no no no no no way! No fucking way! I have to check this. What's the CRFI on this situation? Is that in the NHS, the DOT rating?

Yeah, what's the uh... Let me see. No fucking way is this real. You're fucking kidding me. Declares that no one has to be healthy. Johnny, this is real. Where do I log out? How do I end my subscription to this? This is not very Christmassy.

This is not very Christmassy. This is a real position? What? How? Cutting back on cake is a form of oppression, is what that caption said. San Francisco's new fat positivity expert hired to fight weight stigma is causing a stir

before she's even sunk her teeth into the job, a newly resurfaced video clip of Virgie Tovar, who describes herself as a leading expert on weight based discrimination and body positivity, so she's talking about cutting back on cake! No! This is real? What?! Why?! What? Why? I don't even have words. That's like I'm so... Why are there so many twists in today's episode? I can't keep up, man. They have hired a consultant on weight stigma and weight neutrality despite the city in the midst of a battle against rampant homelessness,

open-air drug use, and violent crime. Virgie Tovar, a self-described anti-weight-based discrimination expert and fat bitch, describes herself as a prominent advocate for body positivity and acceptance. The San Francisco's paying this chick to be fat?! The weight czar, as in she's the one you should aspire to be the same weight as? Like what the fuck? Like... Uh...

They put a truck stop way or right inside of her office. Yeah, if she... Cause that's how they got the job. They just lined up one by one and weighed them in the fattest one. It's like the heart attack grill in Vegas. Look at the size of this bitch. I'm working with a team at the San Francisco Department of Public Health as a consultant on weight stigma

and weight neutrality. I think if you reach a certain size, you need big glasses and bangs. It's just like the default. I wish I didn't look over. You got a lot of stigmas going on here. Man. Come on. Man. Oh, what is going on with these tits?

Tovar describes herself as a weight stigma and a weight neutrality expert She looks like She looks like an offensive caricature like a racist if you tried to draw her you would be put in jail of caricature, like a racist. If you tried to draw her, you would be put in jail. And then here's all the people dying of fentanyl on the streets. Yeah, but the fat bitches are. Are they gonna bring any people

to paint paintings of her, do you think? Can you believe some other fat bitch wanted less cake to try and improve herself? How dare, that's fat phobic. Yeah, this is what they're doing. Crabs in a bucket. Making videos. Joe's crab shack in a fucking bucket over here.

Is that moment when it's time to eat delicious cake and it's interrupted by a moralizing impulse. Inevitably, there's always someone at the party who has to declare publicly that their slice is too large. You are fat! You are too fucking fat! at the party who has to declare publicly that their slice is too large. YOU ARE FAT! YOU ARE TOO FUCKING FAT! Almost invariably a woman must do some disproportionate amount of labor

in order to accommodate their need to feel inferior. CUTTING A FUCKING CAKE IN HALF?! Let's take a look. Can you do a little bit, just like, can you like, scrape all the frosting off? Yeah, scrape it off. Shove it up your ass. Cause I'm sharing. Put it all over your fucking face you pig.

A little bit more, like tiny, no, like less, less than what you're- It's not parking a fucking car you dumb bitch. Cut my piece into 12 equal symmetrical- That'd be great, just take a bite. You don't need a whole fucking piece of cake. She's like, could you take the whole cake and cut it up? Oh, hilarious!

Enjoy your heart attack! I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT! THIS FUCKING OLD BITCH IS CRADLING A CHOCOLATE CAKE LIKE A BABY! Or exclusively women I can't fucking take it this fucking old bitches cradling a chocolate cake like a baby multiple are That this is I'm shocked. I'm I have to wait till tomorrow until the consensus lands Johnny how to Democrats how are Democrats having such a big problem with reaching young men? I don't understand it when they they're making fat women acceptance a core value that the city pays money for. It's not even fat women acceptance. They're shoving it down our throats at this point, much like the cake.

They're making fun of women who don't want to eat as much as them. Yeah, this is an acceptance. It's skinny shaming't accepted any shaming Diabetic shaming. Mm-hmm. Women are disproportionately negatively affected by diet culture cuz you've had culture Maps on the sex because you fucking eat too much bacterial culture Diet culture there is a significant performance component. You have to know not even you are being good Controlling how much you eat is part of what it means to be a human good woman

This kind of behavior is a way for people to keep other people in check in shape In a shape and alive mm-hmm surveillance and policing These are the mechanisms that are at the core of diet culture. Policing, man, I'm gonna start my own, you know like those Jewish ambulances? Mm-hmm. They got their own ambulances? Yeah. I'm gonna start my own squad of fat police.

Mm-hmm. I'm gonna pull bitches over at the store. It'll be like when fat people are stuck on the floor and firemen need to come out, but you just have a big pillow you smother them with? I'll scum, call me up, call 9-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 and I'll show up and slap the cake out of your wife's mouth. Mmhm. Boop boop.

Just dial zero. Yeah. Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop. I'm here, bitch! Wham! You don't need that fucking cake! You don't need that fucking cake! I don't care what the TV said!

You don't need that fucking cake! Put the cake down! Put the cake down, man! Man, put the cake down put the cake down ma'am Man put cake down you just gotta no one will be hurt. Yeah, what you gotta keep hitting one until you show up? That's how you know the severity of it She's going in for a second bite I'll show up and flip the table over. I'll show up to your place of business Yeah, this fucking cake over!

Right out of your fucking hands. You carved one piece out? That's going for everybody, you fat bitch. Don't fucking fatten these poor women up. That's so insane to me. This is insane, dude. This is a straight-up addiction. This is like me having a public service announcement for like doing crack. Nick Reketa has a public service and, hey everybody, so you're feeling a little bored?

Your stream's going too well? Why don't you just go through a couple lines of blow? Really? Actually, let's look at this through a feminist perspective lens. People are sex shaming you. Don't say I should take a smaller line. It's an addiction, man.

Well, it's addiction to ridicule. She's putting herself out there being like, look, I'm the fucking fattest of them all. Yeah, yeah. I bet you she has heard some of the funniest fucking fat jokes over the years that we're not privy to. You know, we listened to this podcast with Carl. It was like being fat at work.

Oh. And all these fat chicks were writing in with all these horror stories of stuff that happened to them at work. And it was all like, it was like stuff where they were cheering for something at work and their boss would say, oh, that's the most exercise, I bet that's the most exercise you've done today.

Like it was the, it was crippling fat jokes that these guys, like just hit after hit after hit. It was so funny. I'm gonna have to watch that now. That's fucking great. Man, I'm really upset that the government is paying for this. I'm really upset that the government is paying for this. Yeah, when's Elon gonna come take all the funding away?

The nuke San Francisco. ...and weight control. The idea that you can position yourself as superior to others through self-control and self-denial Is not having a heart attack CRF eyes have a history of creating a hierarchy among women they want to fuck these these cakes look at these broads Well, they're gonna eat them after as soon as the camera cuts They're eating those are that's not one cake being passed around that's their own individual cakes

What do you mean? There's only one prop cake whatever that's not real Shit we ran out of prop cakes the fuck I only had 12 lost more the budget was all on cakes I Had one prop cake for everybody. I don't understand. I ate to ate the frosting off of it like that was paint and ultimately in maintaining misogynist expectations. I try to maintain misogynist expectations. Yeah, you really have to. The Democrat outreach to young boys is not going to work if they're parading

around a bunch of fat chicks. Who's your future? They're gonna say less cake in your life. If they're fat chicks about around a bunch of fat chicks. Here's your future. They're going to say less cake in your life. If they're fat chicks and calling rape SA is not going to work. I'm going to unalive myself if I do more of that. I think my racist Chinese accent, that's a winner. Dude, I'm telling you, Punjabi Ravi is killing it these days. Whoever that is.

Let's see here. Fat women. Let's do one more weight czar Team of nurses. Okay, dr. Sinod. This could be good Okay fit women versus fat women So it seems to be some kind of a roundtable discussion. Should be a no contest. What are they competing at? They couldn't even put fat in the title. They had to put use an at sign. They should have left the T off the end then, just F and then the at.

Fah. Fah women. Okay, let's see. Fit women are more attractive than fat women will be agreeers. Please step forward Can I do this can I put up a thing on Craigslist? Hey, I'm doing a social experiment for mr Beast can I get a bunch of fat fat bitches to show up? You know this mold Gotta eat this cheese until there's no more cheese. Whoever eats the cheese wins and is the fattest bitch here. I would definitely agree.

Fit women are more attractive than plus-size women. Okay, here's a hot Asian girl that just stepped forward. She's wearing a workout outfit. She's obviously happy, having a good time. Only because me having this body, it shows that I can commit to something, right? And it shows that I'm hardworking. So I feel like men looking at my body can see,

oh, okay, she's dedicated. She put in the work and that could be an attraction. I didn't even think about that. I never would, because I'm not gay. I don't need to come up with some convoluted reason. As a man, that's too much thought put into it. Yeah, I don't need to come up with this some convoluted reason as a man That's too much thought put into it Never I've never thought that about a hot skinny woman. Oh, she looks like she's dedicated. No

Dedicated to what these nuts? Quality that men see and can're fighting for the chairs! They're fighting for the chairs! They got stuck! I didn't know that the camera shake wasn't added. Look at this! Bring in the disagreements! That's what you call a group of fat women. A disagreement. Like a murder of crows, you know? Bring in the disagreement bring in the disagreement

I saw a large. I saw a disagreement of fat women You know I think yeah, it's while I was shopping They were at hovering around the Cinnabon a small disagreement of a disagreement of fat Yeah, I would have been here sooner, but a disagreement of fat women broke out Out back in the back of my car at the parking garage. So I was blocked for... Scraping the fucking ground. I scratched one of my mirrors on this disagreement of fat women.

Can we bring in the disagreeors? I feel like I'm gonna get blamed a lot of times now. You're gonna get eaten. Yeah. It's all good, I'm bisexual. Who the fuck said that? I'm bisexual, so I've had relationships with women that are fit, that are not fit. Variety. And I can tell you that personality-wise, the skinniest ones and the most beautiful ones have had a person- Bro!

Why does her shirt not cover her stomach? Why would they make such a garment? Why would they make a hoochie shirt for a woman that is 2 and 1 tungsten? You got to show off those fucking cinnamon rolls somewhere, man. I mean, it looks like when the Universal logo, the new one that's coming out inside of the Earth,

that you first appears, it's like her stomach. It looks like the sunrise from space is just cresting over the horizon. It's jarring. It's jarring. And they sat her right next to this poor girl. Well, I thought she sat down and everyone was gonna pulled in. What does being bisexual have to do with it? Because she's... There's no skinny men. There's no fat men She's just gotta fuck other fat women

personality that I cannot work with me personally So I I've had relationship with women that are fit They are not fit variety and I can tell you that personality wise the skinniest ones and the most beautiful ones Have had a personality that I Cannot work with me personally me Your personality has more beauty than the way that you look I have learned over the years that I Would prefer to be fat and happy than thin and miserable. This is Burger King and this is McDonald's. I'm the king and I'm loving The whole oh This is McDonald's. I'm the king and I'm loving it. Oh.

Well, first off, why does the biggest one have a bowl ring in her nose? That's funny. Always love seeing that. What a charming potato this is. Why is she wearing a wedding veil? Did she eat a bride on her way in? Someone was scrubbing her floor. She drove through a wedding reception tent

and it got stuck on her on the way in. Okay. Thanks everybody. This is McDonald's and I'm burger. I can't even remember it correctly. I'm like, God damn. If you're fat, why would you use a fast food euphemism for anything? These pigs revel in their mud. Yeah. It's what it is. It doesn't feel good to be fat. No. None of it feels good.

Apparently it's the best thing ever, you know? I wonder how many fast food restaurants she could have listed. All of them. Probably all of them, right? Well yeah, she has the hoop earrings to remind her of her onion ring preferred size. Like even ones that aren't even around anymore. Yeah, she's like Roy Rogers.

Roy Rogers. Like a Puffin Taco. A&A Root Beer, had one. Fucking, yeah. Okay everybody, that's the show. Thanks for listening. Patreon.com slash the Dick Show, Dick.show. We'll see you next week. Have a Merry Christmas. I got some wonderful presents to open after the After the after the dip here We should maybe we should watch the rest of Maddox's video Pretty bad Ready? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ready? Ready. F***! Do you think her shirt covered her stomach before lunch? Is that thing big?

Doubtful. Is this the right beat that I'm playing? Looks close. I think it is! Oh, man, I got my nephew some good shit. Oh, I got them water bottles that are loud when you drink them. So when you drink out of the water bottles, they go, what? Like they make like a high-pitched wine.

Your sister is gonna be fucking furious. And then I got them a game where, like the object of the game is holding it. Everybody holds it as a group and then somebody gets zapped. I don't know how it's played, but it's like electrocutes you. Good stuff. Teaching you. Yeah, yeah, but it's like electrocutes you. Good stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's see here.

Voicemails. Fucking Christmas lights on the cars, man. Hey, Dick. Hey, Johnny. I just found out Florida passed a bill requiring an age verification to access adult content online. Crazy. And that's obviously horrible news, but what makes me rage about it is that supporters

of the bill will immediately go, Oh, so you think children should have access to porn? Fuck off. That's such a cocksucking argument for what's going to be a broad privacy violation. Yeah. First of all, the language of the bill requires ID verification for any content that could be considered harmful to minors. So in theory, it's not just pornography that's going to require age verification.

Have you ever had to give a website your driver's license, by the way? Huge pain in the ass. Second of all, yeah, I shouldn't have to use my ID to look at porn. I don't want an Israeli tech firm to know what my top 10 porn hubcaps really got. I'm not a Reddit atheist type by any means, but this shit is really grinding my gears

with conservative Christians that are celebrating it. And that's all I got. It's- Ripshawn, smooches for Johnny. Ripshawn. Good voicemail. Ripshawn. Ripshawn, yeah.

It's the conservative version of gun control, where every liberal I've ever talked to about it says, well, we need to control guns because if I had a gun, I might fly off the handle and kill a bunch of people. And conservatives are all like, well, we got to control porn because if we don't, I'm going to just look at it all the time. It's so bad and harmful to society because of this graph that I have in the Weimar Republic. It's like, yeah, man. Okay, let's say that all that's true, right?

So your solution is what now? The government should collect everyone's private data and give it to Israel? Does that sound like a good... In what universe does that work? It's like step one, collect IDs. Step two, question mark. Step three, like no more porn for some reason. It's insane. It's so disappointing. It's so disappointing to see what

fuckbags the conservatives are becoming and they have always been this big a fuckbags. They were this big a fuck bags when I was a kid Dungeons and Dragons is Satan like all this they they have they did the war on drugs since the very fucking beginning they're the worst of the worst they have never they have never at any point tried to win us any of our freedoms back every time they get in control they just try to take the ones that they don't like more which have which it doesn't it doesn't fucking matter if people are watching porn too much.

They can't stop it. They can't stop any of it. Just like the Democrats are all the stuff that they can't stop. It's all bullshit and they never, they never try to undo what the other guys do. They just make their side worse. It's so fucking frustrating.

Hey Dick, Merry Christmas. I hope you enjoy this spill-proof and dishwasher safe keyboard. Now you can pour beer on it for fun. That's cool. Best wishes, Jetbat. Really? Clean Wipe Pro Medical Keyboard. Whoa!

Damn. Wow! Cool, man. How old are you? 35. What was your first election? You're 35? So you're not that much younger than me. Wow. Cool, man. How old are you? When was your first election? You're 35? Oh, so you're not that much younger than me. You were, you're born in 85?

89. 89. Oh God, I'm old. You are young. Yeah, that's why I'm like, Jesus. So you remember, you remember like the end of Bush and the beginning of Obama and was like, yeah, Obama's gonna fix it.

Remember all that. Yeah. He didn't fix it. Remember all that. Yeah He didn't fix it. None of them have fucking fixed anything. Surprise of the fucking century. I mean you you got Charlie Kirk up there saying that the the the solution to being a good family man is to not buy Video games. What the fuck are you talking about man? Buy porn. Buy porn It's the only way man. So many families Johnny so many families are rendered apart because the dad's playing too many goddamn video games. When the kids go to sleep and just, you know, trying to unwind after a long day of being a conduit for money. Being a fucking mule schlepping money from a cubicle to some fat chick who's blowing it on kids, right?

Being an iceless fucking warm drink-havin' motherfucker in the middle of a hot class. Yeah. Nothing like, nothing actually healthy. No. Just, you guys, you kids need to, your wife and her boyfriend need to be financially secure before you spend, don't even think about spending money on video games.

Okay, bro, I fucked up the, I spent the college fund on video games again that sports gambling or God I didn't give too much to Charlie Kirk as he's not like not hey teach your kids to handle the world and don't get so wrapped up in politics because politics is like bullshit and both sides will fuck you and ruin your life and try to co-opt every ounce of your energy and will let you die in the street before, like, I would never actually help anyone. Not that. Don't try to raise, like, healthy, well-adjusted people. You, as a man, you listening, need to not play video games. Yeah, be a leader in your home. Listen to me.

The weakest, most spineless motherfucker. Uh-huh Unreal unless Israel makes him then definitely buy video games Wow a medical keyboard Cool, man. I'm not gonna let veto to anywhere near this. Is it wireless? Hmm, I'll plug it into something that's wireless Cool, I'm gonna dump beer on this ASAP just to test it. All right? We're going to drink beer out of it. You know, you inspired me to go to a food pantry.

And I just looked up food pantry near me. I have no idea how this shit works, right? Me either. And honestly, I think I belong at these places, because I mean, I'm fucking, I'm kind of broke. Me either. Stop! Yeah! like bag that I have in my house. It was nonstop, because I said it was only for two people, two adults, right? I got a full bag full of apples, full bag full of like

lettuce, fucking, all the, I can't afford this shit. Maybe I do belong at a food pantry. We are poor! Yeah. Guys, we're all doing food pantries. They have like a, you go on a website and then there's like a, the local church will give you the food. There's a big distribution center. I've been reading a lot about this because I'm making it a part of my identity. And then you go to the church and you just show up and they dump food into your bag.

Let's all do it. Yeah. Johnny, you're doing it too. I did it on my way in. That's what took me so long. Okay. They first, they get the right to vote. Then they enter the office. They start working. They're either even flying planes and being doctors and whatnot. They're everywhere. There's not a single male space left that doesn't have a woman.

I know. Women are even becoming men. And the one last thing we thought we had left. We're not safe. The good old mass murder school shootings. They walk in and they take that. They're taking that too. God damn it. They're taking that to air I thought I had one more thing that I could say. Yes. That's us. That's that's what that's what we do

No, we can even imagine doing it, but they just have to copy us, you know, they fucked it up to have to My rage is women and male-dominated fields. Yeah. Good rage. I know. They hate when you say that. Yeah, women. It's not that there's some of you in every space. It's that you're crying that there isn't majority women in every space.

It's not like, oh, there's a woman pilot. It's like, why aren't 50% of pilots women? Well, because you're bad at stuff. Like everything. Yeah. Because you're too fat. So the planes, they can't fly like this. That's why, you idiot.

This is from Captain Boomy's, I think. Windward curl, sea state gel. Curly styling and setting. Oh, hair gel, all right, I'll try it. Use soaking wet hair. I don't like putting stuff in my hair because I'm autistic about having gooey stuff on my hands. Thank you, Captain Boomi's.

Who wants gooey shit on their hands even in the non-autistic way? I don't care about looking good, okay? I know I don't look good. I don't need to trick anybody. You don't need to go to the mall and get fucking scowled at the whole time. Yeah, I don't care. Um, alright, let's see here. Couple more good stuff.

Couple more cool things. Thank you, thank you, present Jetbat and Captain Boomy's. Hey, Dick and Johnny. I know Vito went over this on the biggest problem, but he does usually wrong about things. And I know it's been a meme for a long time. Like, oh, we say Merry Christmas. We don't say Happy Holidays. But I've noticed this year, especially. Yeah, nobody says Christmas anymore. And it just, I mean, I'm Christian really I'm not like a freak about it or anything but nobody not even my Christian friends say Merry Christmas

anymore they say happy holidays and it just pisses me off I mean even if you're not Christian to say Merry Christmas it's a good holiday you don't celebrate that Kwanzaa bullshit or anything like that so I'm not Christian I'm celebrating Christmas I've been a proud patron for many years. Thanks. Keep up the good show and Johnny you're doing a good job. Oh thank you. I try. I bet like religious people are more well I don't know. Happy holidays. I don't bet on religious people. So you're saying like happy Merry Christmas and happy Hanukkah? And Merry Holidays.

Merry Holidays? I didn't even know. I don't even consider Christmas like a religious holiday anymore. It's not. It never was. It's not. It's about Santa. Presents and stuff and getting time off of work. Hey Dick, I know you love making pizzas and I hate pre-shredded cheese. So I hope you get as much enjoyment out of this as I have for the past few years. You sent me a used cheese machine?

It's just used cheese. Okay. It's a whole brick. Let's see. It's got Amazon wrapping. I know I could open it without it exploding. It's not a cell phone or a pager is it well, yeah Okay, a cheese grating machine Holy shit, how can you be how can you be a boomer and your takeaway from Nick Fuentes getting almost assassinated is he shouldn't have said that Well, it's a boomer take, yeah. Is that your advice? Of course he said that.

I guess we gotta really tone down, we gotta tone down our rhetoric. Sorry, Scott. Yeah. I guess Nick Fuentes should, which part of what he said was the wrong part? Was it the part about black people or Jews? Which part did he go too far on? Should he just, should he said it sarcastically like Dilbert? Or what?

He should have talked about it at the water cooler like Dilbert. Yeah, should he said it more like smugly, should have been rated a different, what was the statement? It's because his tie wasn't curled up, that's, you know. He should have said, oh I'm just a dumb doofus, duh. So fucking annoying. Oh cool. Ged Giedl. Rotary cheese grater.

All right. Stick your fingers in there next time there's no ice in your drink to prove a point. Bro, this looks like a snow cone machine making thing that I had when I was a kid. Do you have one of those? The Snoopy snow cone fucker? Well, he's on top of his house and you put the thing on.

Yep. He was on top of his house. That was awesome. Oh, yeah. BPA free. free cool there's Oreos over here I guess it grates Oreos too fucking enjoy your new food grinder yeah fat whore but in case you didn't get enough like shit on your ice cream grind up some cookies in there fat fuck fat bitch okay thanks man sweet the cookie grinder what was that guy's name put some Grind up some cookies in there. Fat fuck. Fat bitch. Okay. Thanks, man.

Sweet, the cookie grinder. What was that guy's name? Put some weed in there. Ha ha ha. Patrick. All right, thanks Patrick. Okay. Here's another one.

Hey, Dick, this is Farmer D here. What's up? You know, I think as with everyone, I'm bummed to see Sean go, I get it. Yeah, same. You know, the thing I really liked about Sean was that he was a great foil to you. When callers would call in, you would shit on them. It was funny. And then Sean would kind of be the support so that they didn't kill themselves.

And then you can continue to get Patreon money and have a fan base. You've replaced Sean with Johnny, who shits on the callers more than you do. I think you're gonna have a rash of suicides and no one's gonna buy the shirt because they're all pissed at Johnny. You want people to buy the shirt. You need Sean to get people to buy the shirt.

So, Johnny, shut the fuck up, man. I don't disagree with you on that. The fact that I'm here on the mic is a terrifying thing to me. It should be to everyone else too. It would be meaner if Sean was mean. Yeah, Sean's a nice guy. Sean's a nice guy. Sean is just an asshole.

Sean is just there. Alright, here we go. Dick, I implore you again. Under no circumstances can you let Vito prevent you from bullying him, no matter how much he cries. Making fun of fat, retarded idiots is one of the time-honored traditions of comedy. It's basically the funniest thing you can do. I know!

That's why I think it's probably the funniest thing. I know. Laurel and Hardy, man. Yeah. It's not all the stupid problems like random shit at Costco or whatever. It's Vito getting bullied and just mumbling and being an asshole. That's why the biggest problem is so funny. He seems better now.

Yeah, till next episode. He admitted that it was funny that the Eric July thing was actually funny. All he needed was to realize how funny it was funny that the Eric July. Oh, yeah I was actually all he needed was to realize how funny it was and then once the arbiter of comedy himself could say how funny It was then and only then okay this thing is I don't like what's coming out of this box It has a letter so these are like giant mats I'll read the letter first and then I'll pull them out hey dick Here are the mats sorry it took so long. We got hit with a Christmas rush hard this year, but I'm not complaining.

I'll keep the glad handing short. This is from Deck Covers, TaylorMadeTraction. I've been a fan for probably 10 years at this point and I've probably listened to every episode several times over. I blame you and Sean for the motivation to actually do something about my life instead of being a lame loser like Maddox. Man...

Eating shrimps at the whimp's, man. Bro, Maddox has 6,792 views on his new video. Ten minute video that probably took him three months to make about how seafood is cool, cause you get laid while you're eating it. This 6,700 views for a guy who's been on YouTube for 15 years. Well, it says he's got almost a quarter million subscribers.

Quarter million subscribers is really catastrophic. Bad engagement. That's really bad. This is really, really bad. He would have got drops from a label with that numbers. Yeah. Those kind of numbers. This is career over.

This should be a very clear signal that the content you're making is not interesting to anyone. He's gotta do the old delete and then re-upload it like six months later. Yeah. Maybe then, you know. Yeah, maybe when it's like summertime. That's not so Christmassy, you know. Nobody wants to hear crying about seafood during Christmas.

That's not the Christmas fucking spirit, dude. That's, but it's, this is bad, man. Look, he's already went on there and said, I eat the bugs. And then he makes a post about, you know. It's staggering how badly his career is over. Like he can't go back to making old content and just pop back into prominence. Bro, he- It's over. He can't go back to making old content and just pop back into prominence.

It's over. He has the blurry camera with the green screen. You can kind of see the green around his shoulders, man. I mean, come on. Oh, man. From low effort posting to no effort posting. That's really. And I am just loving every minute of this, obviously.

OK. posting that's really and I am just I'm loving every minute of this obviously okay I'll play more next time I guess oh yeah I'm sad I won't hear any new Sean zingers or any new cool facts about animals or guitars I guess all good things must come to an end at some point I just hope that doesn't happen to the dick show anytime soon the mats are a CNC machine, medium density EVA foam, normally used for boat decks. My father and I sell these in our Etsy shop. Oh, etsy.com slash shop slash D.E.K. covers. Maybe get a dot-com that redirects. D.E.K. covers. Okay. If any dickhead wants a mat, just message us on Etsy and make it known you're a dickhead. I'll personally work

up a design and give you a discount. Don't get too spicy since my dad isn't. But he's cool. After making Vito's desk mat, I've decided to start offering desk mats on the store. I can almost make any design. Just some are almost impossible. Like your desk mat. I usually don't do designs like that since the fine detail can make it very difficult to make. Okay, the coasters aren't something I sell in the store. I just make them as gifts for people. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed the cooler mat, massive desk mat and coasters. It took me 42 hours in total to design, machine and post-process your desk mat and seven hours to make your coasters. Wow.

Damn. It's like a full length movie. Labor of love over here. Yeah, cool. Thank you. Your cooler mat wasn't any different than my regular mats labor wise. The desk mat should be able to keep the beers you spill localized to the mat for easy cleanup. If it doesn't, you're spilling beers wrong. Wow, I got all this, all this presence about spilling beers that I shouldn't be taking any kind of lessons from. Go fuck yourself and give Sean a smooch for me

next time you see him, Brian. P.S. Congrats on the kid. I hope the great magnet gives you a boy. Also, if Sean wants me to make him something, tell him to send me an email at, and then he has his name here. Okay, so D.E.K. Co covers. Let's see. Let's see here. We've got Super killer coasters. It's crazy how this guy can make super killer stuff, but Vito can't

Let's see here. Oh Really nice too. Yeah, that's cool. God damn All right It's very nice. Very nice. It's uh The merch that's around built around this comic is incredible I know he should have made like a lunchbox and like should have made a comic you should have made everything What like yeah? Yeah And then he's got so let's see what else

Brian has sent here. All right. More locks, cup holders, very cool. Oh, those are rad. Yeah, thanks. Okay, then he's got some giant, whoa, mats, super killer desk. Damn. That's cool, man. That looks great. That's really cool.

Uh, I don't want to get it messed up. And then he's got, this is a cooler cover, so it goes on a cooler. Oh, cool. America's Wingman. That's awesome. Great. Great color and everything. Oh, that's awesome. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Great. Great color and everything.

Very cool. Amazing. Thank you. Okay. And then it's a desk. This one's a desk mat. Shit. I'm gonna put this on my nice desk. I don't want it in here.

Yeah, no way. Oh, cool dude. There we go. Damn. It's a big picture of me. The show logo. Awesome, man. Thank you.

D-E-K. Cover, did I get that right? Thanks a lot, man. All right. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. To everybody. Incredible amount of detail on these, too.

The more I'm like, damn. Seeing these, I'm sure they don't look that impressive on camera. But in person, these are really fucking nice. Yeah, that's cool, man. Have a good Christmas. I'm impressed with on camera, but like in person these are really fucking nice. Yeah, that's cool, man. Have a good Christmas. Don't get too upset, you know. May ice be in everyone's drinks this Christmas. May everyone's holiday winter wonderland adventure be as bad or worse than Vinny's.

That's the best thing we can hope for around the holidays is that you get plenty of I told you so's and that everyone else messes up worse than you. Eat your seafood too. Eat your seafood. Get laid. Go leave a comment on Maddox's video. Eat your Christmas seafood. Eat your fucking Christmas seafood. Get some pussy.

Get some. Right? Get some. Should've just skipped two, kill two birds with one stone and just eat some pussy. Get some, get yourself some pussy this Christmas, man. What am I talking, get yourself some goddamn pussy. Well, that's what the Feast of Seven Fishes is all about, you know? What the hell is that?

Some Italian bullshit. The Feast of Seven Fishes? Yeah, start there. Alright, goodbye everybody.