The Dick Show - Episode 442 - Dick on The Best and Brightest

Episode Date: December 29, 2024

My dad sells his car, how the best and brightest destroyed the 80s, a fan gives parenting advice, violent speech, the guy who invented finger guns, Mossad talks about how they control the world, Ted Cruz declares war on anti-semitism, and a fat woman yells at me; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Well, yeah, because I titled it wrong. That's on me. That's my B, everybody. Okay, what were we... we're talking about finger guns. That's all lost in time now. Yeah. Fucking finger... you can't redo it, though. We can't redo the magic of the finger guns. That's okay. Oh, man. Neither could he. That was the one he's like, that's the one they'll... then he's always trying to re-come up with different kind of finger guns, you know?

Never, yeah. It's never the same Oh guns Turn yourself make sure you're up. Yeah, cuz I'm always way too loud. I think louder than everybody Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to you. Do you have a Christmasy? Christmasy day I spent all day fighting for freedom on Twitter. I spent all Christmas day. Did you? Christmas week.

Oh. Fighting these dirty, dirty capitalists. Oh, dirty capitalists. For my fellow men, my fellow engineers on Twitter, my fellow American pickleball coaches having their labor stolen by these damn, uh, damn dirty, uh, best of the best. basketball coaches having their labor stolen by these damn, damn dirty, best of the best. These damn dirty top one percenters of glow in really the universe, you know?

The focus of talent, global excellence, not only in engineering, but of anything you could imagine is in India. That's why it's so important for us, for the American sports ball team, to win and to beat our enemies, is to legally import slaves, which are the best of the best, and the best in the entire timeline. Every Indian is basically Rick Sanchez, and they need to be schlepped over to America. And wouldn't you know it, it only costs, you would think this would cost a great deal, a couple million dollars maybe, for the historic brilliance of one of these gentlemen that

will power our AI and our computers and our pickleball teams, pickleball coaches that are coming in. The pickleball coaches are really so good, they can transform your entire engineering team into super geniuses. You would think this would cost millions of dollars, and it turns out, you know what it costs? 70 grand. Isn't that amazing that the best of the best in the world,

we can pick up for $70,000? Hmm. Shocking. Man. I thought that's a deal. Wow! The best of the best in the world? I can pick up for 70 grand? Why don't they just come in here and do everything in my fucking life? And I'll pocket the difference, right? The best of the best of the best of the best Top Top 0.0000% in the fucking world You can find just walking around the street in India

You walk around You know like Slumdog Millionaire Cheechee Cheechee Cheechee Cheechee Gotta walk around like Major Payne What was that? The fucking Damon Waynes movie? Is that how you do the recruiting in India? AHHHHH! Break the guys...alright I need some music

I'm so upset at these black cats It's not very Christmasy Do you think Vivek understood Do you think any irony was going through his mind when he picked Christmas Day to call everyone fat and lazy and that they deserved less money YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E E again for this very Christmasy, this is the limbo period. This is the ghost world where nobody exists, nobody does any work. Maybe Vivek's right. Maybe Vivek's right.

While we're lounging around getting fat and returning Christmas presents, Indians are grinding and doing spelling bees. You go to Mumbai, there's 40 or 70,000 spelling bees happening on every street corner while we're rapping. While we're rapping, you know, and doing 8 Mile Shit and Eminem's spilling spaghetti all over himself because he doesn't eat. Because his American culture is so stupid, he can't even eat spaghetti, you know? Well, it's his mom's spaghetti.

It's his mother. These American children can't even make their own spaghetti. Their mothers are making spaghetti. They're dumping it and spilling it all over themselves, then they're going to some sort of a rap festival, while Vivek's children are at their third spelling bee today. Okay? Your fat, stupid wives are watching Friends. Friends reruns you dumb American fucks, and we're studying the blade B-L-A-D-E

Perfect spelling welcome to Bombay bitch is Bombay in India I don't know cuz I'm so dumb cuz I'm a dumb fuck American I'm only I'm only half dumb actually cuz I'm only half white you know Mexicans are all Hispanics are all half white You know I'm only half stupid the you know, Mexicans are all, Hispanics are all half white, you know? I'm only half stupid. The rest of me doesn't even matter. Vivek didn't even address the Mexicans in his Christmas Day pose. Do you remember fucking Scrooge McDuck? Bah-humpa, Bob Cratchit can go fuck off and his kids, Tiny Tim doesn't deserve to eat because of his culture. Because of the mouse culture. We Scrooge McDuck Indians are counting

money until the wee hours of them, right? Did he fucking see that movie? Did that movie die in 1989 before that fucking idiot was born? Because I saw that shit. I saw a lot of shit in the 80s that was- that I also watched get fucking destroyed by bankers in Silicon Valley for the last 40 years 30 years of my life And it's filled me with homicidal rage Of which there is no cure temper anger that I will carry until I'm fucking dead And I didn't appreciate getting called stupid and lazy on fucking Christmas Just to just to just to straighten things out on my Christmas day. I'm talking my dad

Now you see this shit about I'm gonna have a heart attack. You see this shit about Vivek says that we're lazy and it's our it's it's not it's not a what was his exact quote. Let me see I got I'm really I'm really, I'm really, I've been, I've been at war. I'm like Rambo on Twitter, you know? It's a spiritual warfare. War. I'm in the trenches, you know?

All the cops, all Elon's cops are all around, Elon's Brian Dennehy. You know what I'm saying? And I'm Rambo. I'm fucking wasting fools. I see you, Fincher Caples. I see you, Malady Guy. You're not a real Malady.

You're just faking a Malady, bitch. Oh yeah, you're a Malady? Say the N-word, right? That's me, Rambo. My dad says well we need those h1bs for the to get the best and the brightest and I'm like hey you're at college I went to the best in the fucking world you already got the best of the brightest you dickhead they're lying they're always lying about everything! You think you're... You know what? Go fly to fucking Bombay and tell them to fix your fucking Apple TV!

You know why none of this shit works? I'll give you two guesses, son! Couldn't be bobs and vaginas. Who do you call when all this garbage that you buy from the top engineering countries in the world doesn't work? Do you call their customer support line? No. Why? Who the fuck do you call? Mom, we hear there are ghosts here! You know you never have to explain to an American programmer the concept of it's supposed to work. I'll teach that in other countries. You would think that's crazy, right?

What do you mean the concept of it doesn't? You get a delivery anywhere else in the country, you get it, you say it doesn't work and they say what's that? You say working doesn't work. They say sorry sir. it fits the specification. First of all, you see all those specs are built on a fundamental concept, a core American value called it has to work. That's what actually all those things are doing in concert to try to achieve is a working product

or a thing. That's the key component. That's the one thing that trillions of dollars in education and on American soil has managed to instill into the children and the culture here is the idea that it has to fucking work. You know why they got those suicide nets in China? It's because it doesn't have to work. It's just in us. That guy, he jumped off a factory and tried to kill himself. Did it work? What?

Did the suicide work? No, we have a net there. Mm-hmm. Okay. You solved it then. I guess then you got no problems. Let me check my... Mm-hmm. Okay. You solved it then. I guess then you got no problems. Let me check my...

Just thinking about our multistream not working. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh your race or your IQ that's bad. Why did you say that? Why did you put that at the front? But it's actually your culture. Hey, stupid fuck, those are all the same thing. Race, government, religion, culture, those are all four of the same things. If you have a Chinese nihilist and a Chinese Christian, they're going to be a little bit different than a white nihilist and a white Christian, okay? A little bit different than the same. If you have a black Israelite and a Jewish Israelite, those are not the same- Those are not the same guys, shithead.

If you say it's your culture, you're saying it's our fucking race! Man, you guys don't steal, it's just your culture. Oh, guys, we could easily change our culture. We just need to do more spelling bees. Less Martin reruns. More spelling bees. Best in the brightest. Dad, we have them.

We don't need the... I don't know if you remember the moon landing. You might. I don't know if you remember that thing called the moon, but the best and the brightest went up there. They lived here, actually. I don't know what flag you think that is on the moon. Oh, it's not the dollar bill flying around. I guess that's the issue.

We have the best and the brightest. We have the best we have the best and the brightest We have always had them but But Amazon and their infinite wisdom. Hey, they have let me see if I could pull this up This is an Amazon conference, you know Amazon. They probably got about 10,000 h1b's they need the best and the brightest They couldn't find him here best and brightest all all happened to they all happen to be paid about 60, 70 grand, which you wouldn't think is plausible or plausible or even conceivable that you could get the best of the best for $70,000. But turns out you can. This is the Amazon inclusion pin display at the AWS conference. See, I don't know if you could see it from there, Johnny, but

you go to the conference and you get to pick if you're an ally. If you're a she-her, a bunch of guys probably took these. The she-her is empty. They didn't actually make any she-hers. So there was never any pins in the she-her. They, them, so you take that for your, I guess if you're fat enough, he, hims, she, jimms, ask me. And then, actually they have more. So you go here and you say, oh, oh,

oh you guys have a talent sourcing problem. I wonder why that is, because white men historically in America are most attracted to engineering, you know? Just the way it is. It's just how it goes. Just how it goes. A lot of white people, white people like it.

White men love it, right? So you go here and you say, oh, that's interesting because I know white men, they would think this is retarded. So I think we've found the, I think we've deduced the shortage. I think we've found the shortage right here in your fucking head. You idiot. You stu... whatever stupid idiot put this Jim-Jur display

at the conference to broadcast to white men that we don't want anything to fucking do with you? Go somewhere... If you go to a firehouse and you say, what's your purpose here? Is it to... it's to fight fires. Oh, I noticed... I happen to notice that it's full of kindling and kerosene and logs and a meth lab you've got here. It looks like everything here is designed to make fires. Do you have any hoses or anything? Water or anything like that? No.

Well, what's your purpose then? What are you doing here then? I guess we're starting starting fires yeah we're not looking to hire the best talent we're looking to alienate it and I retards fire causing department the fire we're a fire causing department yeah Merry Christmas my dad I'll get back to this H1B stuff. Oh, hi. My dad, my sister calls me up and she goes,

oh, you're not going to believe what dad has done. I'm like, OK. Says, well, he tried to sell his car. And I said, yeah, just go on Carvana. They'll come out, cut you a check. Lickety-split, load it up on a flatbed. Dunzo, right? My sister's done it, I've done it. Awesome. Awesome service. You won't get top dollar, but you know, it's pretty good. My dad says, well, I tried that, and Carvana said they'd give

me $17,000 for his old whatever it is, Mercedes. It's something that he knows doesn't work very well, so he's trying to unload it before it blasts, you know, before it blows up. Right? I swear, I think I might be too compressed. Can you double check? Let me double check. Check, check, check, check, check. Oh no, maybe not, I don't know. I just, I don't know, Johnny. It feels a little compressy. It feels a little compressy like I'm up. Somebody tell me, somebody listening in the headphones, think I might be too compressed.

Can you double check? No, no, no, I think it sounds good. It's just me. My ears are so shot, man. It's okay. So. Takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem on the Dick Show.

I'm fucking livid, man. You know, when I was a kid growing up in the 80s it was the the synthesis of technology and lifestyle in a way that was new for us you know the 50s it's humanity and technology has always been has always has grown and changed changed, like a symbiosis. We're defined by our technology, humanity in a lot of ways. We made the fire and all of a sudden we're sitting around the fire. We invented fences and then we have neighbors and we have suicidal thoughts and stuff like that came out of that.

Humanity is a function of our technology and our minds adapt and we become a new organism. The 50s had appliances, right? Washing machines, you know? Fucking ice chest. Ice chest, high-fi, refrigerate. Women all of a sudden have nothing to do. They became a big pain in the ass, right? Well, it's technology's fault.

That's how transformative it is. And in the 80s was the infusion of the computer chip, right, computer chip and technology. And all of a sudden we became like gods. It was in everything. You had synth music, you know, synth music is brand new. Look at all this computer before electric guitars, right? That defined a generation, right?

Because the analog, the analog digital, the analog amplification of music changed our brains. This is wow. We're all rockin man. We're fucking rockers, right? Yeah, fuck the man Guns obviously is a technological development even military strategies But the computer chip came along and said holy shit, and we said holy shit We can change time Physical fab back the future came out, yeah, this is a fucking... We can have time machines and shit, man.

We got digital music. The Lawn Mower Man came out. We're changing the nature of reality. We got the space shuttle. We got all this shit. We got satellites. We can take total command of the universe. And kids like me looked at this in the 80s.

Trapper keepers. And we said, we got to get in on this man, this is high-powered shit. This is powerful human shit. We can take our ingenuity, we can take our our American spirit, and we can digitize this bitch, and we can change the world, right? So we did. So guys like me did. Said we're gonna get, just dive into this shit, man. Boom, boom. This is all, this is all before they had, before autism was even a thing, right? It was like, yeah, before locking in was a thing. Before Riz was a thing. Before Chungus, before I was Chungus. We'd sit there and stare at the... Oh yeah, fucking upload the file. Cool, right?

Then we got jobs. All right. Well It's time to go. Let's go. Let's change the world and slowly the government whittled it away Said well, yeah all that broadband stuff. It's kind of like fucking up our our donors So we're gonna kill that we're gonna go ahead and kill that for you. Yeah, okay What about all the other stuff like crypto and internet stuff? Ooh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're gonna go ahead and put some major regulations on that to protect these companies. Oh, okay.

Do I get any protections? I spent my whole life working up to this. The whole country spent a lot of man hours. Kids grew up, sunk our lives into learning this shit and we're hype about it. Do we get any protections? Sorry, can you come back? We just changed the law so we can just bring in Indians and dump them on your head.

Oh. That's cool. I mean, that's cool, I guess. So they're like, they're good, right? No. They're not. Because our thing is set up so that if you're in India and you're good, you will apply once. If you're good and honest, you apply once

with your skills and that's that. Yeah, what's your worst quality? Oh, you know, sometimes I take too long. But if you're a huge liar and a scam artist, you apply to everything 5,000 times with your 12 fake doctorate degrees, and when some dumb fat bitch who's not an engineer interviews you, you say, of course, ma'am, I fucking coded 10 time machines just today. I'll do whatever you want, whatever you want, ma'am." They say, this guy's, you wouldn't believe it, but the best applicant we had

on these H1B shits is also the cheapest, because he just wants to bring his family in, set up shop forever in America. And the honest guy who's talented doesn't really, isn't really, you know, he doesn't just want to kind of lie constantly and sell out he's fine with staying at home does that not make sense to these people I said okay well I guess you got I mean you guys will learn that it was dumb to just hire people who suck right like they don't even understand that it's supposed to work, right? And then you'd think we thought that you know, but it turns out that The government just printed money forever and all their stocks just went up infinity forever and We

Watched our friends who were the most qualified people in the world go Work at liquor stores or go work on Wall Street which contributes absolutely nothing instead of instead of making the goddamn time machine and the hoverboards that we got into this for. Do you see the perverse incentives involved here? So I'm sitting with my dad listening and he goes, well yeah, we need the best of the best. And I'm like, you know, one of these days, Alice. There's his talking points. You tell me what does the best of the best look like to you?

I don't know. Something with AI. So my dad says, well, Carvana, Carvana's only gonna give me $17,000. I said, okay, what's it worth to you? What's it worth? And he goes, I don't know, I think I could get 24,000. It's about to blow up, so. Alright. I said, okay. Well, have fun with that. Just whatever you do, don't invite any Craigslist people to your house, right? So my sister called me up and said, well, yeah, he found a buyer in Craigslist and they came over to his house. I said, okay. And the guy says, let's take it for a test drive.

Dad says, okay. So the guy gets in the car, turns the corner, hammers it, engine immediately blows up. Jesus. And I swear, my ears are, is it coming in? Does the waveform look okay? Yep. Okay.

Immediately blows up. And my dad goes, oh shoot. Well well let's go back to the house. And guy says, okay, I still want to buy it, but not for not for not for 24,000. I really want this car. I'll get it. So he goes, look, I'll show you. you he goes online and he says here's a new engine the guy I'm like you found a guy who's as dumb at this as you are Online how about we take all the Facebook marketplace people and send them to India so they can wheel and deal each other on Cars that are broken and don't work And they can have a whole economy on shit that does not work That's the that's the dividing line.

Do you understand the concept of working not working? A car, what should it do? I don't know. Get out of here. Go to the moon. So they come back and fucking tweedle dees looking up the price of engines for this car that he doesn't need. He should just walk away from it at this point, right?

Car just exploded on mile one of your test drive. Well, that's what's so funny is you blow up a guy's car and then you just go, okay, well, I'm not interested anymore. All right, see you. I'm going to go have lunch and not think about this ever again. My dad's like, okay, yeah, sure. We can figure it out. I'm gonna go have lunch and not think about this ever again My dad's like, okay. Yeah, sure we can do we can figure that sure guys says I'll give you seven grand for the broken car now my dad's like

Okay Seven sure seven grand. So my dad says well don't obviously Call the tow truck and get it and get it picked up, right? And the guy says no no no I'm gonna. I'm a mechanic. I'll drive it to the I'll drive it down to the gas station and get it towed from there. My dad's like okay so the guy gives him a lot of cash and takes off with the car and My dad takes the money in and starts counting it. I mean obviously what you do with dealing with internet people is take their word for it. Always. I can

tell how much cash that I've handled a lot of cash before I know exactly what seven grand feels like. So my dad starts counting it on he's like oh it's only it's 5,100 bucks. This motherfucker. So he calls him up and he goes, hey. The guy goes, hey, sir, the car exploded and caught on fire before I could get. And my dad goes, are you at the gas station? He goes, it caught on fire. The car caught on fire. So he goes, oh, no.

So he drives out there to the gas station and there's no car on fire there. And I'm like, dad, he's an idiot. Like you, he thought he could just drive the car home. I know exactly how you guys think. Facebook Marketplace guys, I know what he did. And he's just got, this fucking idiot, I'm driving. He did exactly what you would do in the situation. I'm not getting a fucking towed dumbass driving at home. So my dad gets to the thing,

he gets to the gas station, guy's not there, he's confused and he gets home and counts the money. He's like oh fuck. So he calls him up and goes hey uh there's only uh five five thousand dollars. He goes the car's on fire. He goes well I've been giving you 30 days to give me the rest of the money. days to give me the rest of the money. He calls me up and tells me this. What could I possibly say next time to just get you, how much was the car VON again? And he goes, well, 17 grand. I said, what did you get? He goes, well, eight. I said, no, what did you get? It was five. I said, okay, so what was the lesson? What was the lesson here? He goes well count the money in the car. That wasn't the lesson You finally have a chance to get one on him and he doesn't learn the fucking lesson We were space shuttles hoverboards time machines, you know, this was our culture and it's been ripped out of our stomachs by capitalist parasites

like Elon Musk and Vivek who chose Christmas Day to call white people fat and stupid and lazy. Tell us to fuck our own faces. See that? Elon said, step back and fuck your own face. I'll fight this in ways you can't imagine. Oh really? I can imagine all your shit not working. How am I- is that how you're gonna fight? Is that how you guys are gonna wage this war on us? Websites don't work? Yeah. How will we know when you're done waging the war on us?

Because they've never worked. Jesus. I got yelled at by a fat woman. For what? It's driving. Driving? I guess she thought the lane was for her. The car, you know, the car, the lanes coming up here up my hill.

Oh yeah. My house. The lanes are quite tight. And so I can understand that she was already apprehensive. Just being so fat on an inclined ramp, I've learned through all my studies in fatness and fat women that they tend to inclinations of ramps and things are important to them because they might fall.

Once they start rolling, there's no stopping them, right? Catamari all the way down the hill. Picking up snacks and such in mailboxes. All the trash cans. Stray cats. I want to be dressed up like the little catamari guy and run after them. Eee, yeah!

Ah! Fucking fadamari. I don't have an engineering job! Imagine being the best and the brightest and only accepting 70 grand. You know, there's some amazing, there's just some really incredible strawberry pickers that illegally cross the border.

Do these guys not know that? They're probably better, they're probably better than the American ones to be honest. If we've got to switch our illegal strawberry pickers with government employees or whoever is gonna have to pick all the strawberries now that the illegal Mexicans are getting shot out of a cannon. We gotta get rid of these immigrants they're lowering everyone's wages. People don't have jobs. Okay, yeah. That's awesome.

I support that. Let's get rid of the engineer immigrants too. They're lowering everyone's wages and taking everyone's jobs. No, they're the best and the brightest. What about the fucking strawberry man? That guy's fucking picking strawberries like an octopus out there. Fucking Jose's strawberry man's fucking walking up, walking down the entire fucking field! Like a fucking water hose man! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah That's... That's bitch work. So is fucking code.

You think it's really hard cause you're stupid. You think all this is hard cause you're dumb. We don't think it's hard. We don't have to be fucking taught this shit. We just looked at it and it makes sense and then you spend the rest of your life

learning to conceal that so you don't make people feel bad for being fucking stupid! Gotta blend in. Sorry are we- what are we here for? You're showing like a bunch of shit that's obvious on the board. Let me talk to you outside of class. Hey that shit wasn't obvious, that was hard for me to learn when I was a kid. Oh you're an idiot, is that cause you're stupid?

Go to the principal's office. What? What other reason could there be? You don't you shouldn't need to be taught any of this we don't have an education problem! We have a we have a companies hate white people problem they've been bragging about it for 60 fucking years! 60 fucking years! You got you're just afraid of competition. I heard that one. You're just afraid of competing. Yeah? Why do we have? Apple should- Apple's afraid of competing with other people just selling an identical eye? Why don't they- you know China can just take... They can just make this and just send it to me directly for $50. What's... Does Apple... Is Apple afraid of the competition? Why does... Why does the law protect every single fucking button on this

fucking... On this $1,500 piece of shit and I don't get protection for fucking anything? See, this already... Are you afraid of the fucking competition? Are we gonna stifle the invention of putting another fucking button on this little box? Oh wow The fucking innovation is mind-blowing, bro Best in the brightest man. I'm really upset by it. What is this? Oh fast track, okay. Oh Um... Oh, Fast Track, okay. Oh man, you know what I need to do actually? I'm proposing an alliance

with black women. The engineers, American engineers, I'm not just going to say white engineers, however you got here, I don't care, as long as you're a man, you're worth something as an engineer. Maybe even a... Every ten men will let in a woman for the new engineering alliance that I'm proposing.

Not more. Every ten men will let you squeeze one woman and that's fine. As long as you don't make a big deal about it. Don't wear... Don't take any fucking pictures. Don't be a woman about it. Don't be a woman about it. Be an engineer about it. Where I propose an alliance with black women.

They're gonna lead us into battle with the plutocrats. And every time they say anything, any of their bullshit excuses, which are all just a reason to cut everyone's wages in half, which they've been doing for 40 years, they're gonna go, oh hell no! Right? Right in their fucking Elon Musk face. Oh hell no! Oh hell no!

I was like right right exactly He's saying she's gonna turn around he's saying you ain't she say you can't do AI He said we got a quantum computer shortage I'll say and we'll go we don't know we have a guy that we have a guy that can do that He just costs he'd only do it for like two million dollars. He's gonna go work for Wall Street As you go, oh, what's that? And say, well he needs more money. And she goes, say no more. Oh hell no! Hell no Elon Musk! Oh hell no with the quantum computer bullshit, right? That's what we need. We gotta overwhelm him. We gotta... we gotta black him. I hate to say it.

He's from Africa. His fam... Elon had a diamond mine in Africa. He knows. He's gonna hear that voice. It's gonna take him back to when he was a child. Oh hell! Well we've got these- we need fucking quantum computer AI. Oh hell no! The quantum computer AI! He's gonna go- he's gonna start pissing his pants like

in Gladiator that guy, you know? It's gonna take him back generational levels. Oh no, it's the... I say he's a boar, a bo-air. What's... I don't know just say it I think it's I think it's something with South Africa. Oh yeah! Hail no to the boas! Oh no they're on to me right? It worked. I want to put my fucking fist right through Vivek's stuff. You know what everybody hey hey Merry Christmas. Your culture is fucked.

Cause you're all stupid and you like football. So if you could just go ahead and stop being retarded and come in and work on Christmas Day. I'm just bringing my, taking my kids from one spelling bee to the other spelling bee. My wife's at home. She says she's studying the Kama Sutra. I know that bitch is watching another Friends rerun though. So at the end of my dad's story,

I was like, well, who scammed who here? He's like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, I thought this was a story of you getting scammed on Facebook, or at least scamming someone on Facebook, but sounds like you guys just Sounds like you guys are just both retarded. I don't know what to make of this I don't know what to make of this deal. I don't know what to make of what you did today But don't do it again He started turning into your dad about it. He was like, oh, I know what I'll beat the system this way I'll beat this and other guys like I'm to beat the system. I got this guy on the ropes. Two system beaters.

Hey, just sell it to Carvana. It's like an easy, like it's such a pain in the ass to sell a car. I mean, they got it all figured out. Just sell it to them.. It's like an easy, like it's such a pain in the ass to sell a car. I mean, they got it all figured out. Just sell it to them. No, no, I'm, that's, it sounds like a system. Uh, honey, if you know this about me, but I beat systems. So I'm going to go ahead and, I'm going to go ahead and beat this system. I don't want any more advice on it.

Okay. And then other guys at home. Oh man, look at this ad. This guy wants, honey, just go on, just go get it from CarMax or something, or it's reputable. Maybe that sounds like a system. I'm gonna go ahead, this guy's selling this thing

for 24 grand, I'm gonna talk him down to 17,000, right? I'm gonna talk him down to 14,000. I got this system all worked out. Just give him five. Oh, I'm gonna fuck, I'll only give him five grand for this car that's, for this car that has no engine. Oh shit, the car caught on fire. Hey, I want another $3,000.

I'm calling the cops. The fact that your dad even let that story get out and was immediately like, oh, everyone's going to hang me for this. It's brave. Hey, man, how about you just use the system? We spent a long time making this system for you. No, but it's the system. Can we call it something else?

Can we call it a scam? The secret, this Carvana thing, it's like an insider deal. Insider deal, you have to qualify for it. Put your, type an essay about how much you hate the system. Yeah. And then we do an application review with AI and such to get only the real system beaters. This is an exclusive top, top talent system beaters that we led into the carvana System to sell their fucking car that's about to explode He called me and said yeah the light came on and the manual says don't drive it if the light comes on because the car's

Gonna explode I said well. Why did why does the car start if the If they'll if that's if it's so dire? Did you tell that guy that? He's like, I told him to tow it. Well, that's not the same as telling him that the manual says it's gonna explode, which I don't believe you'd be. Yeah, but it was gonna explode.

And then I know all the guys saying we need the top talent. I know that they're just, you know, clones. I know exactly where these guys are coming from, what we need top talent. Have you ever tried to sell a car on Craigslist and you knew it was gonna explode and then you drove it out of your, you test drove it with a guy off the internet

and it did explode and then you still took the guy's money and you called the cops, you threatened to call the cops if he didn't pay you more than what he gave you? Yeah, how'd you know that happened to me too? That's happened to every, that's happened to every what he gave you yeah How'd you know that happened to me too? That's happened to every that's happened to every Capitalist in Silicon Valley. How'd you know that I don't know just a guess Like that is like I'll give you 30 days You got to put it what are you in like a mob movie why you put a ticking clock on this poor guy's Christmas

The car caught on fire! Because of you! You did this! Only your dad. Yeah, really. So this fat woman, I was driving home. I was driving home and I have a big truck and when I'm turning corners it because the road is so windy coming up to my house when I'm turning corners a

wheel the weight gets cocky on the corners because there's the bank is so steep you know not like it's gonna tip over but the road just turns a lot on the corners so it always chirps one of tires, no matter how slow I'm going, one of the tires always chirps. I'm coming home from something, I don't drive that. I don't drive fast at all. I'm not, I just, I mean, as I explained with the engineer thing, I'm just so full of like homicidal rage that I can't express in any way except through quote unquote satire. Correct. Yeah. That I'm not really impacted by traffic or anything like that. I'm like, oh, you know. Can't kill anyone, so can't even say it.

Have to joke about it. So what does it matter if the guy doesn't? That's the guy cut the zipper off and, you know, in the merging traffic and cut three people off, what does it matter? Who gives a shit? I mean, I can't do anything. I can't get out of the car and beat him to death on the freeway. What's 3, 2, 1? 1, 2, 3.

What the hell is bothering me? Simple as that. Family matters. Simply use the zipper. So I'm going up the drive to get home and take the corner. My wheels goes errrr, you know, like how it always does. Choo choo choo choo. It's a big car.

And this dumb Mexican woman goes, hiya! Was there a fucking Mr. Potato face? Turns and goes, hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Half Japanese, half Mr. Miyagi, half, um, half, uh, fat potato woman, half pot of greed from Yu-Gi-Oh! Goes, Hi! Hi! He said, I'm not even pressing on the gas. I don't want to fucking cause her to have a heart attack. She's got her kid.

She's getting out of the car. She's trying to shut the door. Obviously, I mean, fat. She's trying to shut the door on herself. And it's like bulging out. The little Garfield suction cup thing is like, whoa. She's squeezing around. She's walking like she's on a ledge of a building, you know?

And the kid is just sitting there like normal, because they're normal size, but she's hugging herself back against the car like... Like Temple of Doom or something. She's gonna drop the Shankara stones off. Oh, oh! Looking daggers at me, and then I'm creeping by extra slow, because I don't want to send her into... I don't want to cause this child to have a traumatic fucking tortilla experience or something.

And she goes, SLOW DOWN! She does the mouth moving thing where they don't yell, but they want to communicate to you through glass. SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! Thank you. You should start driving towards her. Squeeze her until her fucking head pops off. Until she explodes like a pinata. Like getting oil out of olives. Oh oh oh oh! Yeah exactly. Look at my speedo meter and it's like

on the wrong things I put it down it's like 12 miles an hour. I'm going 12. I have enough time to go I'm going 12. How much enough time to go, I'm going 12. Going 12. How much, yeah. Just relax. You can't go any slower up the hill or you're gonna be going backwards. We need some best in the brightest in here

to figure things out. Well that was her. That's why she was telling us so bad. Oh, she was the best in the brightest, yeah. We, some of these H1Bs are just hilarious. Pickleball coach, best in the brightest. Bunch of teachers, obviously. We can't't have our teachers are too dumb and white our culture our Teachers a cult their culture just makes them so fat and stupid. Let me read his quote

And that's not a very Christmasy Trump called called them up and said, hey, can you pop something up about, I know that your people don't celebrate Christmas, you just celebrate like financial quarter release statements and spelling bees, but can you pretend it's a big spelling bee victory for Jesus Christ and send out a nice tweet about family and stuff and winning the election and making the government more efficient? No problem Mr Mr. Trump! I got- Sir! Sir! Mr. Trump, sir! No problem! I got you, Mr. Trump, sir! So anyway, the reason top tech companies often hire foreign-born and first-generation engineers over Native Americans- Okay, you already have fucked up. Retard. You already have fucked up, you retarded asshole. Native Americans, meaning white people.

That's very offensive to Native Americans. Yeah, oh shit. It's because you're all drunk, that's why. Is it because of innate American IQ? Is this part of Indian culture? This tone deaf being a complete retard, is that part of it? Is Elon Musk, is that part of African culture that he's exhibiting by telling everyone

to go fuck their own mouth when he gets proved wrong and having a big type of moment online where he pisses away his future and goodwill and everybody fucking hates him because he's being a loud, obnoxious asshole. Would I be wrong in saying that he picked that up as a child and as part of his culture from Africa? I don't know, I would never say such a thing.

You know what I mean? Just asking, just asking questions. Is that over Native Americans? Isn't because of an innate American IQ deficit. I don't like the way you phrased that, first of all. What does that mean exactly? I don't think that was qualified. What do you mean isn't because?

You know, I don't love your wife because everyone says she's a big fat whore. What? I don't hate your new girlfriend because everyone says she's a stupid fat whore that makes you act like a different person when she's around. What the hell? Well then what do you like her for? A lazy and wrong explanation. A key part of it comes down to the C word, culture. Oh, OK.

So it's about our race. It's about all of our races, not Indian. Everything but statement. OK. It's not about your race. It's your culture. Oh, yeah. OK.

We say that when we're being racist. Like, we say not about your race. It's your culture. Oh, yeah. Okay. We say that when we're being racist Like we say that we we say that to mean race and we can't say race because we get our council aided So we say culture. Did you not know that you too retarded? Did you not I? Mean I mean like we I mean like all of earth says like when you criticize someone you have to say culture When you say something nice you say race, because it's the same word. Interchangeable. Your culture's so great. You make great music.

Food's so good. Yeah, oh your race's food is so good. Like if you give a white person a guitar, and then a black guy guitar, a Mexican guy guitar, they'll all sound different. Then if you pick three other ones and give them the guitar I guess they'll sound different, but it's not gonna be like oh wow that guy's playing it Just like that black guy was playing the last one no not really

birthday dear dear dear dear dear dear dear dear dear dear different scale Yeah Yeah. Okay. Here's the, uh, let me bring these up. I know there's a lot of engineers that listen to the show, so hopefully they enjoyed. Hopefully they enjoyed that. Here's, uh,

here's Tesla's job offers. They were after teachers too teachers to those kind of a surprise yeah here's the Tesla jobs materials plan I don't know a bunch of engineers for 85 $85,000 brutal just brutal um Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, blah blah blah blah blah here is here's the New York police The New York police have declared war on Luigi Luigi funny funny ears I don't even know what to call them people who just aren't frothing at the mouth about our buddy Luigi's antics and murdering. And he's, I don't want to pile on, he's

innocent. He's innocent until proven guilty. And I actually don't think it's the same guy. That guy has more different eyebrows. So go fuck yourself. Go fuck your own face. Go fuck your face. How about that? Hey, Vivek, just throw out a nice Christmas message, like from all of us to all of you, Merry Christmas. No, you know what I'm going to do, Mr. Trump? I'm going to mix it up. Everyone's at home on Christmas. I'm going to tell them all that they're stupid

and that they shouldn't ever relax and have a good time. Oh don't do that Vivek, I'm sorry I'm losing you. You said do that Vivek. I SAID DON'T DO THAT VIVEK! You said do that? You said do that Viveksar! DO NOT REDEEM THAT TWEET VIVEK! Social media users expressing views other than condemnation for United Healthcare CEO's murder may be flagged as extremists.

NYPD report says, yeah do that. Go ahead and flag everyone. Go ahead and flag 50 million people as extremists. That sounds like a good spend of time. Bit of an I'm Spartacus moment. Yeah. You think the NYPD has... You think the chief made them all write letters to the guy's wife about how sorry they were? Dear Mrs. CEO, dead CEO, I'm really sorry that I couldn't do more to protect your husband. I love healthcare. I love America and hate violence.

Let me see if there's another one that I had of him. Oh yeah, here's the guy. Oh man. And here's the CEO's mugshot from when he got a DUI, which is basically the same as murder. You're taking everyone else's life in your hand. So he got a DUI, which is basically the same as murder. You're taking everyone's, everyone else's life in your hand. So he's a bad guy. Me? No DUI, because I can drive drunk. I know how. It's a good system that we have. If you can't drive drunk, the cops

know it. They will put your... You have to drive real fucking drunk for a long time and be real stupid about it to get a DUI. Everybody I know who's got a DUI was doing something really fucking dumb. They tried to beat the system. Trying to beat the system. Me? System respecter. Officer, I know I... Thanks much. I live right over there. If you just let me go this time, I mean you have to say, I promise I won't ever do it again. That's part of the system. The system beaters are like,ers are like, I don't mean that. I'm not going to say it. I barely had. I've done this tons of times. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Sounds like you're trying to beat the system there, buddy. Sounds like you should have just gone to Carvana.

Sounds like you're trying to beat the system. Let's see, Ted Cruz, something about anti-Semitic protests we've seen at universities will end next year. Nah. Universities that tolerate anti-Semitism will have their federal funds cut. Nah. We will enforce the law, especially against universities across this country who's cheering further like 12 Jews in the yeah we hate universities they did it in post yeah in real life just like who gives a shit bro standing around

looking at their watches. I gotta go. I'm getting an engineer degree. I'm gonna have to go pick fucking strawberries because they sent fucking Johnny Strawberry back to Mexico. The anti-Semitic protests we've seen at universities will end next year. Is he talking about lowering prices? Like lowering tuition? If you violently protest, if you threaten your fellow students,

you will be arrested, you will be expelled, and if you're a forerunner, you will be deported. Wait, isn't that already illegal? We're only doing it for Jews? already illegal? We're only doing it for Jews? Huh. What an odd thing to say. Interesting. It's interesting. If you beat one of your fellow students and it's for anti-Semitism, you're getting arrested. Wait. I have a question. Sorry, sorry, I know I've been noticing a lot lately. Sorry, can I ask a question without getting in trouble? Can I ask a question?

I'm 45 years old, am I allowed to ask a question without getting in trouble? Please? One of my arms doesn't fucking work and I've been waiting three weeks for an MRI so I could use my, get surgery and use my arm again Can I ask a question without everyone try getting fucking pissed off at me for no reason? And we're going to see the Department of Justice and the FBI follow the money, go after the money, cut off the money. We're going to see universities that tolerate anti-Semitism having their federal funds cut off.

Bro, why do they have federal funds? What do you mean? What? How come all this quiet stuff's coming out out loud? This is a crazy minute-long video. Cut to federal funding anyway. I don't want... why do I want to... Get it out.

Yeah. Don't fund these assholes. I don't have any money. Give me the money. Mm-hmm. I guess I've been doing too much anti-semitism though for me. Poor old me and my money. Poor old me. Man, we went miniature golfing yesterday. Where at?

It's called the Arroyo Seco mini golf course. Oh, shit, that's a nice one. Yeah, it was fun. Old. It was old, and they're all kind of old. You know, none of them are really new and flashy. That's what they took from us. They did.

They really did. There should be new, updated mini golf courses that are shooting out NFTs, that's got the Costco guys and the Rizzler. You've got to fucking shoot the ball up the Rosler's dick or something. The Rosler's on a treadmill. Have you seen that fat piece of shit?

I've seen him, but man, my friends ran into him the other day at Costco. Did he, is his car okay? He's fatter than hell. He sustained some severe injuries, yeah. He sustained some severe injuries. He had to sell his car actually actually, on a Carvana afterward. Oh, man, you know what Vito did?

Tell me. What's going on? He's a fat guy getting in trouble at Costco. He raised, every year, he asked me if we can raise the rates for the Patreon. And usually I say no, but I'm feeling Christmassy this year. I say, yeah, go for it right. Thinking that he's gonna go in thinking that the people who are now paying are gonna be

grandfathered in you know he's like six bucks I'm like okay raise it to six bucks fine. He's just like Mr. Mr. Chain Joe that's whatever's happening like let's just do good shows you know do good shows come and do good shows what about more guests and what about changing that man? Fine, okay fine change it to six bucks fine I'm mr.. Let's keep it at five bucks everybody Five bucks makes sense you don't see anything for five bucks anymore, but patreon.com the dick show is five bucks um So I say yeah sure six six bucks thinking that it's people who are paying five bucks will get their subscription grandfathered in, right?

You'd hope. You would think it would work like that. The last thing you'd want to do is surprise people with a sudden upgrade. The last thing you want to do is surprise 4,000 people, right? So I get an email yesterday that says, oh, warning, you're, as I'm subscribed to this show, warning, you're, let me see what the email said.

Warning, your subscription's gonna jack up. I was like, wait a minute, this is six bucks in 31 days. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That doesn't mean, I think I'm getting this right. I hope, I don't wanna put Vito on blast if this isn't right. Does anybody subscribe to that show that can tell me? Anyway, like you put, so I look it up on Google does the subscription

Automatically fuck everyone over like that and it says well you have to click a toggle to say automatically upgrade everyone's You didn't tell me you didn't flick the fucking toggle that said upgrade everyone's subscription automatically. Tell me you didn't flick the toggle, sir! Tell me you didn't flick the toggle! Johnny. The one thing he's gone out of his way for in life. Flicking a toggle. Where's that toggle? Let me get in there. Let me let me see if it's what I'm saying is accurate I only noticed it cuz I saw a flurry of messages what six bucks I gotta pay fuck you. Oh no

No, no, no, no, I knew I had to get in front of this. I Knew it. Yeah, you okay you have successfully updated it existing members are provided a 31 day notice for the price changes which means the existing members on this tier will be charged the new price fucking mr. change-o once again you can't treat people like that! Not even a finished comic book. We see his fucking plushie and his fucking stupid goddamn lunchbox. No nothing. But here he comes.

That's life man. The older you get, the more... I went ahead and... That's how Trump is, right? Everyone loves me, everyone loves all the shit we're doing. Hey, can you bozos just send out a nice Christmas message? No problem, Mr. Trump. We just changed it a little bit at the last.

We toggled a, we hate white people, we toggled a go fuck your own face thing at the very last moment. I hope that's okay. We really want to get these, you know, we want to make sure that we have our slave labor because we're capitalists. We don't do anything. We just buy companies and then make money because the fed federal reserve prints infinite money and the stocks always go up. So I hope you're okay with that.

Do you dickheads think I was working at McDonald's for fun? You know, like I did all this fucking work to be president and make everyone like me and you fucking idiots go online and brag about how fucking smart you are for fucking everybody for fucking the smartest people in the country over Do you think they're gonna be okay? Who the fuck do you think's making the memes? Do you think a bunch do you think a bunch of retards are making the fucking memes? No It's all the all the engineers on on the fucking internet who've been there forever are making the fucking memes you bozos Don't worry mr. President. I'm gonna fight. I'm gonna fight them. They'll literally kill you bro. Do you remember the Unabomber?

Do you fucking remember the Unabomber? Do you ever see Falling Down? No sir, I've been too busy doing spelling bees. Falling Down is about an engineer that got laid off because he was overqualified and there's no job for him. White engineer in the early 90s and then he went around killing everyone who annoyed him and all of America said that's awesome I wish some engineer would get pissed off and kill everyone they even had to say in the movie

I'm the bad guy so that people wouldn't walk out of the movie and start fucking killing everybody I'm the bad guy and he says a question I'm the bad guy not really just because you're fucking around with your wife if you'd have done all that other shit and left your wife out of it All of America been like make that guy that murdered everyone annoying the president He's smart engineer He murdered a doubly smart murdered everyone annoying even the racist guy tried to fuck with him How many fucking Jays you think this can kill right? He's like I don't really like I don't really like that kind of racism

I'm gonna kill this guy right, right Perfectly executed we gotta make him a bad guy uh He's gonna fuck with his wife. Oh, yeah, okay. That's pretty bad cuz then you can't say I love that guy You got it cuz you have your wife you're like oh, yeah, I got a lot of good points, but They never you know Hitler they never say like oh he's addicted to his wife That's if they really want the anti-semitism to end they got to unearth some hidden footage of Hitler

Ruining his wife's birthday party Not putting ice in her cup Exactly now that's more he's got to be drunk. Oh Let me tell you about the Jews again like Hitler. I'm trying to have it's hard for me to make friends, man I just have a bunch of my friends over. We're not talking about Jews We're just trying to have a nice birthday party for me. Oh I'm drunk, right salting the earth for everyone. Yeah But no one ever asked me how to stop anti-Semitism, so.

Cut federal funding from schools, duh. Keep talking about the Holocaust, I guess. See how that works. Keep getting more details. That's a really straight thing. I think the number's 12 now, right? Just AI it. Hitler. Happy birthday, I didn't get you a birthday present. Oh man, I don't like this guy anymore. He sucks. I'm the bad guy

Just cuz I forgot your birthday. Oh man, I don't want to I can't be this guy. This guy sucks But that's the only thing that makes him suck. Well it's just you know I'm just I'm speaking through the language of cinema. That's what I'm saying. I'm not endorsing any of these things. Correct. I'm just like you know academically. As an audience viewer that would be you know again that's the foil to it all. Right that's what they had to do to that movie when that engineer flipped out and decided to kill everyone who's annoying to make him the bad guy Mess up your daughter's birthday. Oh well Really did like those murders and everyone's got a lot more annoying since then

Can't blame him Okay They're just the best and the brightest. Man, America's not like that great. I'm sure they're having a great time. I'm sure the best and the brightest are having a great time in India and wherever they're fucking going. Okay, buddy? There are women over there not as fat as they are here. Okay? They don't have to, when they go to the airport, they don't have, oh hell no! Every fucking five seconds, okay? I'm pretty sure that the best of the best I think the guys were telling how

did you know that they're the best of the best they told us oh okay just got to take it at face value man can you test for it can you test for the best of the best yeah we nail it why do you require a degree then uh what do you mean well what's the what's the degree requirement for? Well to make sure they're the best of the best. Okay. Bombay Upstairs Engineering School? Is that? I don't know. It's a school. It's a school. Yeah it doesn't really work like that over there you fucking child okay why don't you import your wife like that she says she's hot she went to hot she went to dick-sucking college in Mumbai this bitch is gonna be a hot oh hello what oh no I fucked up! Yeah, you did. You did fuck up and you fucked all of us.

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas. NYP and Luigi's supporters- Oh, here's a- here's Massad saying something stupid. Here's another guy who decided to break the system. I don't know why I saw this. This is a Mossad agent talking to 60 Minutes? Is this new? I just...

Oh yeah, okay, this is a Mossad member giving an interview on 60 Minutes. Is that real? I don't know. Who cares? To buy this? Well, obviously, they didn't know that they were buying it from Israel. Who did they buy it from? Oh, yeah.

So he's talking about their plan to blow up pagers. I guess the Israeli spy organization, Mossad, thought it would be fun to dress up like Destro and go on a Jewish Destro and go on National American television and talk about their stupid plan to blow up everyone's pager How awesome and cool it was with Leslie stall who's pretty much the essence of cool? She is How did you convince Hezbollah to buy this? Well, obviously they didn't know that they were buying it from Israel.

Who did they buy it from? Or think they were buying it from? These nuts. We have an incredible array of possibilities of creating foreign companies that have no way being traced back to Israel. Shell companies over shell companies who affect the supply chain to our favor.

We create a pretend world. We are a global production company. We write the screenplay. We're the directors. We're the producers. We're the main actors. The world is our stage. How? I mean, okay, we're doing what with anti-Semitism? We're trying to stop it or what was that? Huh So you dress up like a supervillain Go on television and tell everyone that you control everything and that everything you script everything and that there's no way to

Tie it to Israel Okay, what's the correct response? I have a question. How do you follow the fat on this one? Would I be right? If I said the following, would this be accurate based on the 12 seconds I just watched? Okay. Thanks for that.

Isn't that uplifting Christmasy note? Thanks for that. And that uplifting Christmasy note. Thanks for that Christmas. Thanks for that Christmas report, Leslie Stahl. Here's the Rizzler. Dude, they gotta call CPS on this fat fucker. Look at this fucking size of this guy. Look at the size of this fat bastard. Jesus Christ.

Bro. The Grizzler, more like like look at the drizzler. What the fuck man? Come on, Rizzler. What are you rizzing? It's a that's a face of I need help. Bro, child fucking get Nick Riketa on this fucking kid. You're too fat, dude. You're going to have a fucking heart attack in fourth grade. He looks like Don Vito from Viva La Bam. Oh, my mama mia. Costco needs to get involved.

Stop this shit. No feed list in all the Costco food courts? Yeah. Like a Yogi Bear fucking sign? Subway's gotta call him up. Hey guys, that Jared thing being a pedophile didn't go great for us. Can you, you might wanna put a stop

to this fucking fat kid before you, get him an angiogram at least. This fucking kid. He can't even touch his chin anymore. He doesn't know where it is. He's feeling around. Which chin is? Like he's looking for a light switch in the dark.

What the fuck is this? look at this fat bitch Jesus I'm worried for his health that's why I'm saying all this stuff hmm well you got to be worried about the children you know I'm worried about this as a father father of Rizler as a father man oh I wouldn't be kidding my kid this fat. I would say that's enough Choco Chunk for you, fat boy. That's an A. No going on the news until your BMI is under 120. What the fuck, dude?

Jesus. What comes out of this kid if you kick the shit out of him? Individually wrapped candies. He's a pinata. I got to go back to that lady who's yelled at me, kick her ass. You've got to just run her over or push her down the hill. Make her chase you. I want to beat her with like a wiffle ball bat.

I just want to hear, ay, ay, ay, no es bueno, ay, ay! And her brothers all come out and see me, and I'm like, guys, I'm using it with Wiffle, but it's fine. I was like, ah, that's fine. It's just casual day for them. Yeah, yeah. It's like, ah, man, awesome.

That guy's really kicking the shit out of her. She's fucking annoying. Finally, someone's doing something about it. Yeah, I put on a little Luigi hat. Like, guys, you you know that guy. You know I'm talking mom. You know the guy Yeah, see I say What the shit out of her with that bat What what what what what what what what well the thing is it's like anytime you get people like that They always look at you and they have to be shitty about it because they can't admit that they're a bad pedestrian

Yeah, it's on you because how could it be on me for being this fucking fat? I'm yeah. I was scared I'm gonna take my my sandal off My chocolate take this you were scared I was scared my fucking I was gonna need a new door Yeah, I was gonna grind it all the way down. Okay. Alright. Let's read some comments. What time is it? Woah, it's already been an hour.

I didn't get to all my precious stats. You got the stats for us? Not really. The pickleball thing was pretty much the funniest H1B job that I saw. That's for us? Not really. The pickleball thing was pretty much the funniest H1B job that I saw. It's a good job.

No, sir! You got to hit it up in the air, sir! Sounds a little too Irish. Sir! A bunch of Irish-Indian guys. Well this all started because Trump appointed this Indian dude to AI, I think. Let me see.

Trump appoints Indian to AI thing. Trump appoints the Rizzler? Yeah, put the Rizzler in there, bro. This guy. This guy's got a head like the McNugget boot. Well he looks like Squidward's house, kinda. Yeah, like Squidward's house. That's insane. And everyone said, oh okay buddy, what? You got a little too many, too many venture capitalists in there, my man. You had one, you put one too many in there.

Because they're bad people. They don't do anything. For anybody. Matt R. The funniest part of this episode was Dick already having given Maddox, the last episode, already having given Maddox a video, a dislike on YouTube in his private time. I love the pettiness. Maddox's seafood video. Let in his private time. I love the pettiness Maddox seafood video Let's see is that still up

Did that get struck for a copy? privacy thing YouTube Maddox Maddox No video seafood is for people to ever wanted to go to a slow No, video. Seafood is for people to get. Ever wanted to go to a se- Whoa.

Um, it's at 10,000 views, man. Okay, pretty good. It's good after a week when you have a quarter million subscribers, right? Yeah, what do they pay, like, two bucks for every thousand views? So, it's 20 bucks. He can get himself a nice steak roll. And red lobster? He can go down to Costco and get a few pizzas.

Get out of Costco and get yourself some tilapia. Eat with the Rizzler. Can eat with the Rizzler. You and the Rizzler can pig out on some frozen shrimp or something. Wow, you can really get yourself laid. So you got a whole, you got 20 bucks, maybe 20, 30 bucks in his pocket from this video

that eight minutes long, probably took about 10 hours to edit every minute, maybe longer. So he spent, probably spent eight months making this video. At least, right? Yeah. Well, that's definitely not time to start thinking about the rest of your life, Maddox. Keep doing what you're doing, cranking out number one hits,

and eventually the world will keep up, catch up with you, I think. He's ahead of his time. Still, isn't that remarkable? Mm-hmm. Because it's going to come all the way around again He's so far in the future Tony Salini says I just sent your Instagram a DM a Maddox is doing an ad read for a shower head now

This is this was interesting Okay, Tony Tony says this is Maddox doing an ad read for a shower head, but I don't think that's quite right. Listen to this. Here are five easy signs to look out for. First, check your shower head. Let me see here. It kind of sounds like his mic.

Right home, here are five easy signs to look out for. First, check your shower head. If it looks like it's covered in chalky buildup, you might have hard water. If your kettle's interior looks like a science experiment, that's another clue. Seeing spots on your cutlery, that's hard water again. Doesn't it kind of sound like him?

It does. Do you think that AI'd Maddox's voice? That would be funny. Like, do you think the best of the best went on YouTube and just found like a million view video and ripped off the voice with AI? That's something the best of the best would do. It is.

Dry, brittle hair? No thanks. Hard water could be to blame. And if your drains are slow, it's not just your flow. It's the buildup from hard water. Don't miss the signs. Get a collagen expert out to test your water and learn more about their home. I don't know. Maybe. I don't miss the signs. Get a collagen expert out to test your water and learn

more about their home- I don't know. Maybe. I don't know, Tony. Xanox. Xerox says, I really appreciate Dick's H1B Twitter this week. You're welcome. Chris Primer, I don't know if you'll talk about it on the show, but I'd be curious about your take on this development with Tether investing in Rumble. Rumble will probably waste the money like they do with the doctor district. Yeah, I don't Rumble sucks the sooner we're sooner. It's gone the better some but something good can take its place Maybe I should start streaming on kick. I don't know Tethers tethers blowing it to everybody likes likes USDC so they gotta do something. I don't know how they're gonna win the currency war but there's so many billions in it already.

I don't know. I don't tell you how yet not to fuck them up I'm not worried about that at all. So I'm still with their mom So that's good in my book if you ever figure out the best way to dad, please let an n-word know He says the soft a version pumped for your upcoming journeyman. Thank you. Righty tighty gentlemen sausage Pumped for your upcoming journeyman. Thank you, righty tighty. Gentlemen sausage The Luigi man, Gion perp walk is like that time They raped the Joker and that it was a bunch of cops being gay. That's true. I agree. That's a good point Let's see mighty plantain. Hey dick. I'm a little bit late to the party, but here is your latest round of unsolicited parenting advice. Excuse me?

Latest. Did you qualify this first? I try to give people the impression that they should be too afraid to do what you're doing right now. I haven't been trying hard enough. Just for context, this is coming from a single dad of a teenage girl. Oh, thank you for supplying America's strip clubs. The truth is, none of us know what the fuck we're doing,

and we're all just making it up as we go along. Well, maybe you. I'm sure you already know that the experts are just making educated guesses too. What worked for me might not work for you. What worked for my kid might not work for yours. That being said, I'm gonna offer you this anyway. Take it or leave it. Look at the size of this.

Shouldn't you wait till you have an adult to be giving information? Yeah, he's halfway through the baking process. Yeah and you're giving me advice? He's giving you an unfinished comic book? Yeah, how do I know that you're giving me good advice? Shouldn't you say like I yeah my daughter's like a ball it up scientist tossing. You should say oh yeah hey here's hey here's some parenting advice. I raised a kid who's now an adult and they would never give parenting advice. So I know that I raised a good kid. So here's my advice, right? Wouldn't that be

the set expectations low. Oh, set expectations and follow through with consequences. If the kid figures out they can walk all over you, they will. What? Like with juice and stuff? If you ask me for juice again, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. Okay, so that's what I should do? All right. You get one glass. God forbid I don't want to be walked all over. Don't give them the answers. Ask them questions that force them to think and figure shit out for themselves. Yeah, but you do that on Twitter all day and that doesn't go anywhere.

Is that guy a rapist? Ah, you know, does he look like a rapist? You're gonna have to figure it out yourself, buddy. You tell me. You tell, yeah, go say hi to him and you tell me inform them why they're wrong if needed you're raising a teenage girl with this advice whoo boy why don't you take a go ahead and take a picture of her next boyfriend or all of them before we before we listen to your advice sir why don't you go sir why don't you go ahead and show us what the

fruits of your loins are letting fruit her loins. How about that? He's only halfway scratching off the gift card, you know? Yeah. He's got to do the full redemption to see what's on the other side. Let's see. Oh, this prompt photo is folded in half. What's in the other? Oh, I see. Hmm. Similarly, don't do shit for them if they're capable of doing it themselves. You wipe your own ass!

What are you talking about, bro? This guy's a nut this is this predicated on I'm a good parent here's an essay of how I'm a good I'm a good parent and you I'm and you can be too just follow my advice why is a single parent giving a be easy to be a a nuclear family advice. Do you think you could give me any examples? Like, you know, to... That's the best and the brightest right there. To help me figure out when I'm supposed to set expectations

and follow through with consequences? Should I lead more Islam or more, should I spare the rod? Should I spoil the rod? Spare the child? Spare the child, yeah. Spoil the rod? How much did you jot away? That's key information that's missing from here. Similarly, don't do shit for them. Be ready to help or step in when needed, be ready to help or step in when needed, but let them try. They won't learn anything

if you don't give them a chance to fuck up. Man, there needs to be like a AA group for guys, for parenting advice, I think. Hi, I'm a parent of a single, I'm a single parent of a daughter. Hi, my name's Mike, I'm a parent of a single daughter. a daughter. Hi, my name's Mike. I'm a parent of a single daughter. Hi, Mike.

So what you guys wanna do, we're all parents of adult children here. What you guys really need to do is set expectations and follow through and don't do the wrong, only buy stocks that go up. Okay, thanks Mike. Hey, my name's Gus. I'm a single

dad of a Guy, I've had my son just to head is his first child So what you guys want to do, you know You guys will correct me if I'm wrong all you guys with kids who are grown up What you guys want to do when you're raising your kids, right? You see what I'm saying here. So make it sense Well, it's like you need there also needs to be a group for guys who write an email saying how not gay things are too Don't expect to thank you or even an inkling of gratitude Why would I want that It's my fault that they're in the world. This guy does things for gratitude. What an idiot. Yeah, it's like a horrible

It's a horrible curse that you Do to someone. Mm-hmm. You should be eternally guilty. Why would someone, why would someone who, why would a, why would a thing, why would a conscious thing that has no resolution for any wants they will ever have thank you for creating them? That would be totally, that would be psychotic to expect such a thing. Being a parent is a thankless job.

It should be a punishing job. And the kid's going to suck you dry. Whoa! Whoa! Phrasing! Teenage daughter in the house, what the hell? What the fuck? Without feeling guilty about it.

It's no longer about you. Okay, then I don't need to do it. I don't need feeling guilty about it. It's no longer about you. Okay, then I don't need to do it. I don't need to worry about it. Yeah, you could have just said, hey, it's not about you. Cool. Easy. Fine, I'll just go do my show.

Fuck you. Simply, it's not about you. Put Caillou on. Go figure it out. Everything you do going forward is about your kid. Oh really, me shitting is about my kid? If I shit improperly is that gonna Effect my kid it's gonna fuck your other arm up, but then you know It's all that strain you know everything I do mm-hmm wow

Everything at people on the freeway that's something is that's for the kid your legacy. Oh fuck off legacy This is probably our Okay, Babe Ruth. The Babe Ruth of single parenting over here wrote in to tell me about... Fucking Subaru legacy. This is all dating advice, by the way. Just so you know, when you give advice this generic and retarded that can be applied also to women that you're trying to bang...

Who's trying to bang his daughter. That's why he's writing in about this. Hmm. This is already too long. Anyway, you'll notice I didn't congratulate you. Not because I don't want to explain how it's not gay, but because anyone with functional equipment can make a kid.

Oh, boy. Okay. Being a parent is what's truly worthy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So I'm sure you'll be fine good good fucking luck. This is the shittiest ride you'll ever take But it's also the most rewarding. Yeah, okay. Thanks. Thanks for the advice How would you rate that advice? I would rate it on a scale from zero to a guy who goes to bed after eating a microwave banquet meal It's probably that And a warm Coors, I'm just making fun of you, buddy. Thanks for the advice.

Good advice, man. Thanks for what this is. I don't take it as advice, but thank you for what this is. Thank you for your effort. Your effort posts don't go unnoticed. Guys, please send me longer parenting advice if you can make time for it. Adam, Australian gun range video.

Hi Dix, call me Stubbs. Oops, I'm an Aussie listener. I had a moment of weird familiarity on last week's show when you played a video of my usual gun range. I thought I'd explain the whole firearms entrapped in wires setup. Oh yeah, okay. If you're an Aussie citizen and wanna go shooting,

there's a couple of ways to go about it, but the most common one is to join a shooting club so you can prove, whoa club so you can prove you participate in at least a minimum of four shooting contests a year. When you're licensed, you can go shoot normally at your discretion. The wire setup is exclusively for walk-ins, unlicensed walk-ins. People, usually tourists, looking to let off a few rounds at unbeknownst to them, a staggering markup. Oh yeah, okay. It's a requirement from a law enforcement to ensure a lack of fuck-ups, flagging, and general idiocy. Yeah, it's not a perfect system,

but it does keep a lot of the amateurs from doing something stupid. Yeah, I think it's great. However, well, unless you have to do it because of a license, and I hate it. However, what has no real prevention is people getting licensed and then being complete retards with their firearms. The licensing process is done by external contractors who usually have a relationship with the affiliated club. The tests are absurdly easy and basically have the answers spoon-fed to you. Well, you know, I mean you're talking to people who can just print guns in our garage. So yeah, we don't care about any sort of rules

or anything about guns. It's kind of the... Rules? Well, like, we'll kill people. We threaten to kill people who say we should have any rules on our guns. So, cool. Yeah, great.

The test, the tests are absurdly easy. There's a test? Well, we got to kill whoever made it. That's been America for hundreds of years. Here's a personal anecdote from just a couple weeks ago. I was out for some practice time and there was a guy in the bay next to me, the brand new 9mm pistol, fitted with a red dot sight. I was doing my thing and I heard him let off two shots.

I checked his target, one hole near the bottom. He was shooting the biggest target the range offers at just 10 meters. I went back to doing my own thing and I heard him let off another five rounds. The range officer behind me started yelling, stop, stop. The guy let off another shot. Stop, stop, stop. The range officer came up behind me, grabbed his shoulder and used his other hand to grip the gun. Wow. Made the guy eject the magazine and then racked the round before yelling at the guy to place the gun on on the bench I peeked my head around the side of the bay. I Could only see the shooter's head and I thought that's odd. I can see the guy's ears under his muffs He had them on the wrong way

oh He had the ear protectors on Like headphones like like the ear protecting things were facing the wrong way. Oh shit. It's leaking out. Dude, you're gonna go deaf like that? Yeah, no wonder the guy couldn't fucking hear him. What an idiot. He hadn't responded to the RO because he just let off a bunch of 9mm indoors with no hearing

protection. Spoke very little English and responded to nearly every interaction with a very enthusiastic yes. Asked the ranger about it The guy had a shop fit his red dot sight But the shop doesn't have a range to sight it in he came down the range and just started blasting away well His sight was basically set for indirect fire

Oh, so he had his sight put in but they put it in wrong. So he was shooting at the fucking ground bro in, but they put it in wrong. So he was shooting at the fucking ground. Bro, that is the best in the fucking brightest. Why you shoot at the ground? Well, I line the sights up. So the way it's supposed to work is the gun's supposed to shoot at a thing. Well, but I line the sights up. You're not getting the working part.

It's not just following, it's not just're not getting the you're not getting the working part. It's not just following life. It's not just about following steps It working is one not one of the specifications. Yeah, it's the whole thing He's yeah, okay, he put his last five shots through the ceiling Well, it's damn thing this day yeah, you've shot a gun before Oh, yeah, you can tell where before I'm sure. Oh yeah. You can tell where about it's aiming without needing a sight, right? It's fucking insane that this guy is shooting at the floor and then the ceiling. Here we go. Well it's not, I don't know why, it's not, it's not working. Um. Thanks Dick Dick. Uh... Go fuck y-

Go fuck yourself. Farewell, Smooch, Vashon. As for Johnny, he seems more sexually aggressive. So, I don't know, grab his ass for me. Ass grabs for Johnny. Oh, shit. Um... Gun wires is a tourist trap thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are dumb with guns, though. Um... People are dumb regardless. Yeah. Just also with guns. They get even dumber, though though because they start freaking out. And then once they start freaking out,

their IQs drop by about 50. It's like when a horse gets scared. Exactly. OK, everybody, this has been The Dick Show. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show. We'll see you next year. Jesus. Merry Christmas.

Merry New Year's. Do I have any fat watches? Maybe I do. Presenting... Ohhhhhhh Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the complaints are already coming in about Vito's Christ Jack egg. Ready? F***!

Brooooo Ha ha ha! Ready? F***! That That vague parenting, Sukosutsu, that vague parenting advice is totally bullshit. This is a cop out for me. Yeah, I got to go through these, these advices and make sure I'm doing them correctly. Shouldn't I be doing, shouldn't I be treating the kid like a, like a, just a version of myself? It's an art project. Yeah, should I be treating them significantly? I'll try to treat them like the ways I treat myself,

just remove most of the bad parts or as many as I can, and not like try to add a bunch of goofy stuff from another guy who has experienced an entire life, right? That's not gonna work. Yeah, he said, you know, by the way, this might not work for you or me but here's the specifications of my daughter go ahead do it this will work

for yours too yeah I don't think so man I think I think it's you know the DNA is probably important I don't know if I'm gonna be throwing a bunch of wrenches into the mix they're probably just put some chocolates into the mix in normal Okay We got here Now get out of here Well, I tried to get the video working better this week and it worked worse so let's see how it works next week better this week and it worked worse so let's see how it works next week.

Hey Dick, hey Johnny. You want to hear what makes me rage today? Yeah. Windshield wipers. Okay. You know you pop on your car you're usually good to go depending on the style you have. I don't know what the fuck it is. I got these windshield wipers. I did my best to pop them on. I figured finally I got them. I tested them on the highest speed, sitting there to make sure they don't fly off. So I'm on my way to work. And the ground is wet. So all the cars on the freeway are kicking up a bunch of mists and I'm sitting there thinking, I really need to wipe this off but I can't because the right one seems to have fucked itself you know if I try swinging the wipers once I'm probably gonna lose that one it's gonna fly off onto the freeway yeah well I don't want to get pulled over for something stupid like that so what you did I guess I'm gonna try my best to

see and we're talking it's in the dark so feel like you did I guess I'm gonna try my best to see and we're talking it's in the dark so feel like you know I should be given a school bus drivers gonna get a wish to wipe through their head yeah okay I want to see but I don't want to get pulled over fuck that wiper like what's up with that what's wrong with just your standard J-book? Why did we ever have to do this thing where you have to pop the thing in the hole and then you hold it and it clicks into place

because it never seems to do it. And then you're just left at the mercy of the fucking windshield wiper gods which aren't on my side today, so. Well, fuck me. Anyway, go fuck yourself feminism they don't want us to have you know they don't have technology there's a level of technology that everything can be built for that most basically all

men can understand and use and absolutely no woman can understand maybe one in a thousand and that the Jayhook windshield wiper where you just pop the top off slide it, slide it on. Slide it on. Now here's the thing that will trip the women up. Slide it back. You gotta keep in your mind that there's a hook inside that will activate when you slide it back.

Women can't, they can only do what they see. Like the sandwich goes bread, salami, lettuce, and they go, what happened to the salami? Oh, there it is right there. Did you hear the click? If you didn't hear the click, it's not salami. I don't oh there it is right there Did you hear the click if you didn't hear the click? It's not on right women don't work like that if that's if there's a it's you got to hear a click then it's totally out of their realm and For some reason they didn't want that technology to exist anymore

They don't want anybody to be able they don't want any man to be able to impress women ever So they change it into some goofy thing which you got. I don't want anybody to be able they don't want any man to be able to impress women ever So they change it into some goofy thing which you got. I don't know Okay Yeah better luck I wish you a Merry Christmas Did it fly off? Oh, yeah, he left us hanging god damn you sir call back in next week. Yeah, let us know Hey, I wish you a Merry Christmas and also How much money do you need to make as far as your like death to income ratio before it becomes weird

that you don't give gifts for people in your immediate family? Cause I'm spending like 80% of my fucking income on goddamn rent right right now So like I get like 200 bucks a month Jimmy Carter just died oh Man Johnny The deaths that we are gonna the deaths that we are gonna get to see over the next 30 to 40 years, every fucking boomer is gonna die. I've been feeling this weight lifting off my shoulders.

Yeah. You know, they've been putting weight on us pebble by pebble for 40 years, and now it's gonna be relieved of us, pebble by pebble, with every death. Jimmy Carter, ah, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was We felt good, but I didn't really know what was happening yet They're all gonna die every single one of these motherfuckers is gonna die George HW Bush who started the H1B shit every senator every fucking so every boomer celebrity every Boomer there's gonna be a couple that's gonna hurt. I'm not gonna like them, but every otherwise

Every boomer, there's gonna be a couple that's gonna hurt, I'm not gonna like them, but otherwise, every boomer will die and it will feel like every single one will feel like a million bucks. Netanyahu's gonna die and they're all gonna have cancer, get hit by, you know, old people shit. Ah. Old people shit. Ah, I wanted him to stay alive before the Department

of Education was gutted and destroyed so he could see it, but ah. He got off easy on that one. He got off easy. But at least he knew it was coming. Mm-hmm. You know? He saw the writing on the wall. He saw the... That's why he got out. He was like, ah, fuck it. He saw us building the gallows, didn't he? He farmed his last peanut. He did. Now he's farming peanuts in hell. Mm-hmm. Ahhhhh. Now he's building habitats for hell, for humanity in hell. Now he's building habitats for hell for humanity and hell. I can hear the sizzle now. I'm gonna make some smash burgers today in honor of Jimmy Carter burning in hell.

I'm gonna unteach some poor kids how to read. I'm gonna say you guys are reading it all the books upside down. Here's how you do it. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. See? You gotta read it backwards. Ah what a wonderful day. It's cloudy outside but it's sunny in our hearts. What a beautiful day to die. Beautiful day. So like am I still expected to give gifts for other people or like should I just like murder my... Well I don't think you need to murder them. Anyway go fuck yourselves and I would appreciate some actual serious advice even though my question was kind of a joke. Anyway go fuck yourselves love you Dick and Johnny have a good one. Just don't get them presents. Say you're poor.

Say you're too broke. Tell them in advance so that they can make the decision not to get you... 80s girl fucked over her cousins because she got them really nice presents. And they're like, we got you joke presents. She was complaining the whole time about getting presents. Then they got her joke presents.

Like, you should have got them. You guys should have fucking worked this out by the way We're getting you joke. We're getting each other joke presents Now this guy needs to flip the script and be like oh that thing poor people do buy each other presents to show off for each Other like I don't participate. I don't do that. Yeah, I do rich people stuff. Make everyone else worry about it Yeah, you need to stop feeling so bad man. Make everyone else feel so bad. Yeah, you're putting this on yourself Yeah, don't give it give it away as a gift give that guilt away here's a gift the fucking oh you're trying to impress other poor people BAM half chat GBT write

you a poem and then print the poem out and give it to your mom you know those are great gifts yeah hey mom I don't have any money for Christmas but I wrote you this poem about family it's same thing as a fake diamond bitches love fake diamonds. That's fine. What's the difference if it's chat GPT problem? It was your thought that counts. It's fine. Mm-hmm. Just write it on a nice piece of paper See how thoughtful I am could be cheap paper could be some CVS receipts women like thinking about CVS, you know That's a good one. Yeah print it on a CVS receipt Don't buy presents if you can't afford it. Come on. What are you? What are you doing? Say no

Sadden I'm broke. Yeah, don't don't try and be like our best and our brightest Yeah, I'm fucking broke man. I can't afford it. Why people got to start saying that I can't afford this shit, man Hey dick, what up, Johnny? I was just listening to the new episode and I'm getting towards the end here White people gotta start saying that. I can't afford this shit, man. Hey, Dick. What up, Johnny? I was just listening to the new episode and I'm getting towards the end here. You were going off on Charlie Kirk and how much of a fuckbag he is.

And my biggest rage with that dude is he thinks he's the smartest guy on earth by going to college campuses and arguing with dumb teenagers. Yeah, no shit. Like, I could go to a daycare and do math in front of them and act like I'm all high and mighty Yeah, fuck that guy. What a dumb piece of shit Oh, I'm so smoking sitting in front of these college kids telling them they're wrong like no shit. They're wrong. They're fucking college kids

Fuck that guy Jesus Stop spending money on video games. Okay, man. Start spending more money on Hulk hands to beat your wife with. On what? Hulk hands, you know those big green fists? Oh, Hulk hands. Charlie Kirk said I could get these Hulk hands to kick your ass. Yeah, at least it makes funny noises when you're beating her down, you know?

Why don't you stop taking money from Israel? How about that one, Charlie? What should I do about that? Is that how to make my wife financially secure? Charlie Kirk said I couldn't play any video games until I took money from the Israeli lobby. Wait, he said not to spend money on it. So you could go pirate a bunch of old shit and play that. I guess that's true. That's a fair game.

You could pirate it. Yeah. Play old Sierra games all day who gives a fuck okay hey dick hey Johnny yeah I'm gonna set Sean there it's always weird when dick show content comes back to you I had Maddox bedroom show up in reddit or sorry a mean that was shared to me I don't know where some guys just made a joke about like hey I'm trying to like punch up my room a bit to make it more attractive to the ladies and it was Maddox's Shark infested blue. Yeah. Yeah, you know Hollywood shithole photo that I know Yeah, it's made its way., I think, into the broader culture.

Oh yeah. Very rare that happens, but it took me a second. I was like, oh, okay. Anyways, go fuck yourself. Dude, it is, Maddox's bedroom has achieved escape velocity. It's escaped. Yeah, I see that shit. Every couple of years, I'll see that pop up now

Yeah, here we go And stuff that has nothing to do with this show People it will just be one of those memes that gets repeated because it always gets like 10,000 likes It's so easy to tag on to yeah. Oh Man, we roasted him hard Yeah, oh Man, we roasted him hard for this This was a bad this was a bad one He's got seafood on his wall even yeah seafood on the wall

I've got lots of debt so I can't buy fancy furniture, and I'm recently single I need to help making my flat a bit more appealing to chicks. It's always the same format, too. Uh. Uh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Yeah, whoops. It never gets old, too.

Every time I see it come up, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. Let's see what these people do. Because the people are always bewildered. Like, what? How did this happen? Yeah, like, oh, I remember my first time seeing that room. Yeah, that's crazy. Why is there video equipment in the back room?

For slime time for slime time Okay Hey, I don't know if anybody else called and brought this up What kind of seafood restaurant doesn't have like one New York strip steak or like one chicken on the menu? I mean the Maddox thing was fucking stupid. So stupid. You don't have that. Like what are you fucking talking about? My friend- a guy in my friend group, someone in my friend group says no seafood restaurants.

Well here's why seafood's bad a at like so order like a steak or something They're like what restaurant just sells only seafood ever Yeah, that's a good stupid Yeah, they've already planned out that not everyone likes seafood and will probably want another option right yeah, they thought of that one Okay truly an innovator and we'll probably want another option. Right. Yeah. They thought of that one. OK. Truly an innovator in this creative space. I wonder what's coming next.

I mean, he's been kicking this video around for 20 years, probably. I think I actually know the guy that he's talking about in that video. That's even funnier. Yeah. What's like a? What a call to action.

He's so upset about it. He had to make something for next year's... Next decade. Cause I remember him crying about this guy's like fickle food preferences at restaurants. I think I don't care about this stuff, man. Why invite him? Yeah, exactly.

Why is he in your crew? Yeah. Everything isn't an invitation Why invite him? Yeah, exactly. Why is he in your crew? Yeah Everything isn't every everything isn't an invitation to act like an old married couple about everything So I can't wait to see what's next Let's watch him part of that video the lady getting a lot of player Since you stand in like the doorway of the subway, and this fucking asshole is fanning the flames with a fucking blanket or something like that. Like, I don't think you understand how fireworks you're feeding it right now.

Yeah, oxygen to fill. Well, you know, mother, you fucking retard. Also, what makes me rage is breaking your fucking arm at the humerus which is between the elbow and the shoulder and when you fall on the ice and you look over your arms all pent up like you got it back to your fucking elbow. And now just being helpless. Anyways that guy was a fucking moron.

Why would you fucking fan the flames? As a guy who fucking cooks wood fire pizza and builds fires weekly, that's how you make them go, you fucking retard. Thank you, fuck you, I. Well, because you can do whatever you want to someone that's on fire.

Well, maybe she cut him in line earlier and he was trying to get his, you know, this is what you get. I mean, if you see somebody who's on fire. Well, maybe she cut him in line earlier and he was trying to get his, you know, this is what you get. I mean, if you see somebody who's on fire, they're probably an asshole, you know? Yeah, you gotta think, what do you do to deserve being set on fire? And like, maybe they were right. Yeah.

I'm not gonna put out the fire. It's hard to get someone on fire. If someone, like, what's that, there's a thought experiment of a fence. Like, you don't take the fence down until you figure out why the fence was there. So if you see somebody on fire, you don't put the fire out until you figure out why that they were put on fire. Thinking too deep. I just don't help.

That's probably smarter. All right, last one. Dick, how do you convey to people that the only way for change is through violence? Why is everyone? 90% of people like violence is never the answer how I don't know. I'm not gonna fucking extrapolate and repeat myself half a dozen times But how does this go on for another two minutes? people not comprehend

that killing the people causing the problem is the only way to even begin getting to a place where we can solve the problem? Voting is not doing shit. Well. I don't know. I'm listening to your most recent episode. Y'all are talking about the woman being burned on the subway.

Scott Adams saying some stupid shit about Nick Fuentes' attempted killer. Right. And. Oh, everyone would have been big on the violence train. Correct. We live in hell. I don't know what happened in 1964 Got a bug in his mouth

Atlanta reporter, I just couldn't agree more with you right on like basically anything. Okay. I've lost hope in capitalism I hope more. Well, we don't have to get murdered by the Kids I've lost hope in capitalism. I hope North Korea gets murdered by the dozens. Like their kids. They're... Okay, okay, okay. I know where this is going. You know, they don't... There's no... You can't Fed post, you know, you can't say anything positive

about violence because... Well, because it's extremely... Not only is violence effective talking about it, it's also extremely effective. that's why it's legal. That's why violent speech is explicitly legal in the constitution because it is the most effective way for a mob of people to communicate how serious they are about anything.

They say, if you say, well, how do you feel about dinner being cold? You're like, I don't like it. Okay, how do you feel about you know dinner being cold? You're like I don't like it okay How do you feel about your kids getting raped like I will kill the person who rapes my kids like okay? It's a pretty good. I got it. Yeah, right. I'm running the country I really need a I need to do a I need to know how serious you guys are about this stuff How do you feel about your jobs being replaced? Oh, we'll kill people who do that. Oh Okay, so the women in sports do that. Oh, OK.

So the women in sports or the men and women's sports. We don't like it. Would you kill people for that? No. OK. Now I know as running the country, how to, you know, how to rank these issues. But because they took away anyone's ability to go, yeah, well, I'll fucking. Yeah, we'll kill you for if you guys do this again, we were gonna fucking kill you.

Because they took that away. We're not able to communicate information anymore to the people running the country. It's just, I mean, it's just how, it's how an information system works. It's essential to a democracy. Violence speech is essential to a democracy. Violence is not.

But violence speech is essential. And when you chill it, when you cut it out, you don't let people do it, you're gonna get violence. And that works. I mean, that obviously works for the people who are, you know, cutting everyone's speech off. But that's the, that's the, and everyone kind of knows it too. But when you start telling them what they can and can't do they rationalize

What they're told they can't do because nobody wants to be a bitch and say like hey, man You can't get you can't get your wife says hey, you can't have a fourth beer You go to back to your friends say I actually don't even want a fourth beer. It's bad for me. I Want to be up early fucking parenting my kid right she didn't say not having a fifth beer yeah hey buddy you didn't say anything about five beers boom you're right all right exactly goodbye everybody see you next year later okay this', this streaming mess. That didn't work.

That kinda worked. Was I recording it at least? Oh yeah, stop recording. Okay. Oh shit, I didn't record it. Uh, hahahaha. You can pull it from the stream audio there. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh