The Dick Show - Episode 444 - Dick on Fighting Fires

Episode Date: January 13, 2025

LA burns down, Vito's Gaia's Cradle burns down, Ralph burns down, I take my Pokemon cards to the grader, a man poops in his car, the HMWH drop a banger of peace, three lesbians walk into a bar, Afghan Boomers discuss Bacha Bazi and/or Social Security, fake visas, parenting advice, the best plumber in the world show, crowd surfing while fat, and I forget to do the intro; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Waiting for their lives to move forward. Waiting for the show to begin so their lives can start. And Ernest can begin the week anew. Ernest starts the show. Ernest starts the show. Man, those were great movies, you know? I turned the Ernest Saves Christmas on and I'm sitting there.

I'm doing like the lecture of that, you know, that meme of the guy lecturing that hot blonde at the tennis match. I'm doing that but with Ernst to my girlfriend. I find myself 40 minutes into an explanation of who Ernst is and where Vern comes from. And I swear to God, I hit the who Vern is. And I'm like, and then there's Vern. And then right at that moment in Ernest Saves Christmas,

in Christmas, he busts into Vern's house. I'm like, and there you go. I'm like, oh man, you're gonna be such a shitty dad. Get over here. All right, today we're learning who Ernst is. He's saving Christmas. He was a regional, he was selling cars. It was about good deals on cars.

The Ernst iceberg. Yeah, it was the Ernst iceberg yeah was the Ernst iceberg alive retailing alive berging if you will the Ernst break oh wow I have those pretty high um okay maybe I'll just not do headphones today I don't care what's the point well what's the point of any of it well honestly what's the point of any of it what has been the point of any of it? Honestly, what's the point of any of it? What has been the point of any of it? We were just done with Vidal Wars. You know?

We had- I had just wrapped up Vidal Wars. Just wrapped up Vidal Wars with this- with my hammer of destiny here. You saw the biggest problem this week. I did the greatest the greatest triumph in game show history finally happened Mr. System beater meta gamer got his system fucking beatin

Trounced Okay, that's working. Yeah, that's working. He Got his system trounced. Okay, that's working, yeah, that's working. He should have called Carvana. Oh man, is this, is Rumble not working? Of course Rumble's not working. I don't, is it really not? See, this is, I always like, I always overestimate Rumble. Obviously it's not gonna work.

It's not one of those joke pages that just always shows that. Yeah, it's a joke page. Stream key. Yeah, let me see. Let me see. I mean, it's always like, do I interrupt the show or do I just like, we can trim this. Trim this part out, I guess.

Set a marker, I forget what Sean used to do. Nothing. He would do. That motherfucker would edit like a demon. Okay, Rumble. What do I have here? Stream key. Something with a 3 on it. And it was wrong. Okay. Let's stop streaming and start streaming. Oh, Okey-dokey. All right, we're live. And now we're live.

Now is where we're picking back up. Oh yeah, Mr. System Beater. Mr. System Beater. He really had some weight in store for us. Veto? Veto. Ha ha ha ha. This is the, this is the, this is the face of a man who's beating the system, who's beating the system

right here. Let me pull this up. Look at that. This guy right here, he's got it all figured out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm at a loss for words. He's got it all figured out and then this is the face of a man who realized that he did not beat the system. Where can I find this? Come on, come on my friends. Come on my friends.

Savage world. Oh, where can I, there's me. Oh, I don't have one! God damn it! There it is, here it is, there it is. Oh. You thought you were gonna beat the system, huh? The system is beating you. Oh man, what a triumph. Yeah, someone's gonna have to pour out a can of ragu for him.

That's fucked. That was great. Okay, this is working. Yeah, that's working. And he was like, now all the magic players in China know about this. Oh man, another successful year long, year long trolling scheme. Nailed. Nailed. Is he allowed to talk about Riley yet now?

Riley is redeemed. Riley is redeemed. Riley is redeemed. I sent this picture of this burned Gaius cradle. It's an $800 card. And the biggest problem this week, Vito, Vito refused to get on the scale. I can't imagine why. I can't imagine. Well, because he wanted to, he announced that he wanted to wow us all with a dramatic weight loss, right?

So his ozymphic's been going so well and he wanted to really, he wanted to, you know, you know how at the last minute guys, you know, I think I'm going to spice it up at the last minute. I think I'm going to beat the system. I think I'm going to, I got something special for you. Like, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. So he says, I got something special for you. I got, I want to make a dramatic reveal.

And this is, this is the face of Vito when he's making it a dramatic reveal, right? And this is my face knowing, so he's saying, I'm not gonna weigh myself for a number of weeks so that it will make it more dramatic when I finally, you know, hop on the scale and I've dropped 50 pounds, right? Or something like that. And this is my face knowing that I have an $800 magic card, the magic card that Riley sent in the day I started making him walk the

plank and have been teasing him with for a year and change now. The only thing he wants out of there. This is me knowing that I've already put the $800 Gaius Cradle signed in the Vito's booty box that he could have easily because Riley's free, right? Because the state of Texas or whatever, what is this? What am I getting a call for? Oh, I don't know. Um, the state of Texas filed to get rid of, dismiss Riley's charges. So he bravely said fuck you to the two weeks of community

service, and then bravely said fuck you to suspended sentence, and no, they offered to give him a reward, if he would just plead guilty and they could move on with their lives, but he said no. They're like, we're gonna give you this betta fish that you can take home and name, whatever you want, you just take the take home and name Eric, whatever you want. You just take the plea.

And he said, he bravely said no. So then the state said, well, fine, we're filing to dismiss our own charges. After Riley, Riley subpoenaed Eric July and all the idiots who work at the Rip-A-Verse. And they finally said, uh, suddenly, okay, we're not moving forward with this. So anyway, yeah. So anyway, I said, well, okay, today's, I'm gonna throw it in there then, you know? If Vito gets it, I'm gonna go against my own evilness.

I told Vito I was not gonna give him anything good until he started letting stuff get smashed, right? I mean, that's true. That's true, right? That makes sense, right? He started letting stuff get smashed. And then I said, I's true. It's true, right? That makes sense, right? He started letting stuff get smashed. And I said, I'm going to run through everything in the closet until I have nothing left to give him, but this magic card that he wants, right?

But then I said, you know what? Veto Wars, I want to put an end to Veto Wars. I want to put peace back on the table, right? I want to make this end to Veto Wars. I want to put peace back on, put peace back on the table, right? I want to make this a show of peace. So I'm going to put the card in and I think he's going to get it. It was the little boy through his fat man. Jesus Christ.

Little did I know that he was scheming up his own scheme. Little did I know. And this is the face of me when I realized that he's schemed himself out of the card, that he's been even, so when I put it in the Vito's booty, I put the card on the bottom, and then I put a mother's milk on top of it, because I wanted to get him reacting to the mother's milk, angry, and then seeing the card and getting joy, right?

You know? Low to high, right? This is gonna be a good reaction. A good show. It's a good show. So this is my reaction knowing, oh fuck, you're gonna dramatic reveal everybody, and you've just sunk yourself.

Turns out it was a great show. Yeah. And then this is me, I was gonna rip it, I pulled it out and my hands are, uh oh, here we go, what is this? Hello? Yeah, I know, it's not, I have it streaming to rumble, but it's just not picking it up.

I have everything set right. I know, fuck it, it's on Vimeo though, right? Yeah, yeah, it's on Vimeo go send them send the Vimeo link to people if they're waiting for it Hey, congratulations, by the way on your double victory Yeah, really the car, thank you. Bye bye. We got to watch his ghost die. Jesus. Murdered on stream.

This is me. Yeah, I take it out and I'm like, my hands are trembling a little bit because I love cards. Oh yeah. It's $800 magic card, right? Right. Signed. It's like your magic card, right? Right. Signed. It's like your love of money and like value is like online, but for this.

Even internally. Yeah. I have my own internal veto that I'm like, surely you don't have, surely there's a funny way you can get out of destroying this card. But then the other side of me is like, no, no, no, no. This is the only way.

These have been, these mechanisms have been, these machinations have been started long ago and they must be. There is no other option. It's a prophecy. So I'm taking it out. It's got like five protective sleeves, like get smart. Da da da da da da da. Then I'm taking this $800 signed, certified.

It's got all of these eBay certifications on it that say void if, tor, like this is invalid if this QR code is invalid if torn and dismiss and all these like provenance things. And I'm tearing through them one by one, you know, going against these sacrosanct promises from these certifiers to their audience, going through them one by one. And then I get to the card and I'm like, I'm gonna rip it and that's gonna be it. Well, because you know that someone just did all that shit you did with all your cards recently. You know someone did all that.

Oh, I have to tell you. So let me take this off the screen. So the fires hit, right? Oh, I have to tell you so, uh, let me take this off the take this off the screen So the fires hit right? Oh, right the all of LA is on fire. Is that what's been happening? I'm fighting a multi. I've got I've got a fire on the coast coming at me I've got a fire in the in the hills coming at me and I've got Ralph from the south who's declared war on me At least I think he declared war. I don't know. Does he know he declared war? That's a good question.

Might wanna check in first before, you know. Of the two of them, I can't imagine. A lot of the sponsor. Yeah. Jesus. So I've got a three front war. Veto war, it just ended. And now I've got Ralph War on the horizon. Well, did he make it home safe?

Are we sure he didn't drive off the cliff? I'm pretty sure we would have heard about that, or at least felt it. Burning like a tire fire. I made the horrible mistake of telling a drug addict no. And if you've ever dealt with drug addicts, the one thing that you must never ever say is no. Magic word right there. So I know this audience, in particular the Reddit, is very fond of Ethan Ralph coming on the show,

but I'm afraid that won't be happening again. So I apologize to the Reddit, especially for this lack of Ralph of Mail content. I'm sad, but the time has come for it to be no more. Well, maybe we'll all get into that later. So the fires are going nuts, right? Before the fires start, we have these hellacious winds, like the beginning of the Martian, you know?

That's right, yeah. Even though that doesn't happen on Mars, it would be impossible. The winds are just, it's like Burning Man level winds, 100 miles an hour winds. And everything, all my patio shit is just getting blunt. Like I'm going around, I'm going around outside and I'm trying to play this like ghetto Tetris

or I'm like, okay, what's heavy that I could put on my stuff? And I'm like picking up like, okay, a mosquito lamp. Okay, there you go. I'm like going one by one, like a claw game, you know, just so my shit doesn't blow away. We wake up and the entire world is on fire because of, because, uh, you know, because we just decided to put, uh, lesbians in every, in every single important role in firefighting.

You know, have you ever heard the joke, uh, three lesbians walk into a bar and it burns down? I did now. You heard that joke now? So we've had, I guess it's been talked to death by now, but obviously we had no water in the water reserves because they made the mistake of not putting the reservoir on the Gay Pride Parade routes, which would have solved all, it's dumb.

We have water reservoirs. It's very important to make the gay pride parade route at least hit the touch on the water reservoir. I hear footsteps, which might mean something's wrong. Um, we wake up, California's burning down. Malibu burning down, awesome. Stay out of my community. Get fucked.

Yeah. Right. Stay out of, Altadena burning down. Bummer. Oh, those are hard working guys, right? They didn't vote for this shit. Um, sky's all pink and my eyes are just watering at night, like gushing water and I think

fuck I gotta get my Pokemon cards out of here what if I I'm up all night like my my you know girlfriends freaking out like this is it's too windy what if the glass breaks what if it catches on fire out there what about all these looters there's all these like all these climate change guys are going around looting and burgling things. What are you gonna do? Do we have like a gun? And I'm like, yeah, honey, I know.

And I'm answering, but in my mind, I'm thinking like, what if my Pokemon cards get like smell of smoke on them? And I take them into PSA to grade them, and they say, 10 asterisk, otherwise, like great card, but it smelled a little bit like smoke. You would have to start another fire. I would have to start another fire. That's the only retribution. Yeah.

So I'm like freaking out about it all night. I can't sleep because I'm waking up and I'm smelling smoke, and I know that my Pokemon cards, my child's college fund is in the closet, maybe fiberously soaking in the, and I got them this far, you understand? I'm stressed out hearing about this. I got these Pokemon cards 20 years. 20 years, I could have left them in the box for another 500 years,

and some alien would have cashed in on them, right? But I decided to tamper with the tomb. So now it becomes like a race to keep your crumbling fortune, to keep your fortune from crumbling in your hands. Like, I know, I know. I've read a book before. I understand what's happening here. So I'm just laying awake at night going, okay, when I wake up, I'm taking the cards.

I had already planned this in advance. I'm taking my Pokemon cards that are probably worth a hundred thousand dollars. I'm taking them all into PSA to get graded Drop them off in the morning. It's nice and safe. You know, I got to get my babies somewhere safe, right? I've got to get these cards out of the out of the fire out of the way of the smoke out of the fire so I wake up I Wake up and my girlfriend says, wow, there was a bunch more like attempted break-ins last night and the fire's spreading. One of my friends house burned down and I'm like, all right, oh man, that's, that sucks. I gotta go. I gotta get

out of here. I gotta go. Important matters. I gotta get, I gotta get these Pokemon cards out of harm's way. So I grabbed my Pokemon cards, put them in another box and like sandwich them together and put them in the middle part I gotta get these Pokemon cards out of harm's way. So I grab my Pokemon cards. I put them in another box and sandwich them together and put them in the middle part of my truck in the container. I'm like, all right, see ya. I'll text me what you want for lunch. I'll bring it back.

So I drive down there and as I'm driving, it's like Toontown, like all this fire and the smoke fades away. And it's like Anaheim where the freeway's as wide as a as a normal freeway is long you know I'm passing Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farms and the sky is just a beautiful bloom and I get down I go to I get down there and I go to FedEx to print in all the like hand in stuff

because my our power power's been out right so you have to do everything. So I left my pregnant wife with a power outage and a fire with looters. Looters and polluting. Looters and polluting. Looting and polluting was happening. And I abandoned her to take the baby's Pokemon cards in, you know, now. Well, it's for the baby, yeah.

It's for the baby. Exactly. This is an investment for the baby. I go to the FedEx and I'm like Yeah, I got to print stuff out the powers out up there coming from the fire He's like, oh, yeah, come on. You guys go over here to the thing to print, you know, sorry about the smell I had a chipotle burrito and it went right through me and I'm like this is not This isn't that certainly is not allowed by the FedEx protocol, is it?

To be discussing the giant shit you just took? Let me explain something to you, sir! Until it's self-identified who took the shit, it's a total mystery. I would have been perfectly fine going into the computer printout space, smelling a shit smell and not knowing who shit it you big fat piece of crap I didn't I don't need this on today on Pokemon day I don't need this on Pokemon grade sorry about the smell I had a Chipotle burrito I swear to God he said this and I thought what

can you give me a complaint number for FedEx the fuck do you you mean? You had a burrito that went right through you! It fell through him like a fucking skeleton. Like, Jesus Christ. What are you talking about?! That's fucked. Who does that? Hey, so just so you know, I took a big shit back there. I don't need to know... I don't need to know that at all! Yeah. And then I'm trying to get it to print. I'm like, hey, it's not printing.

He's like, oh yeah, I need the... I need to know that at all. And then I'm trying to get it to print. I'm like, hey, it's not printing. He's like, oh yeah, I need to put in a code. And the whole time I'm just sitting there, just feeling the aura of shit coming off of this guy. Was he trying to buy a gun by any chance? Like who? Tim Robinson's the character sketch. Oh, you gotta see that, it's good. You know, Randy got me Tim Robinson Christmas tree ornaments.

I saw them on there, yeah. You saw that, that was pretty cool. Those are cool. Vito introduced me to that show. Of all people. You know, I'm so glad Vito Wars are over. I know. We can get back to just making good shows.

Now that he's been hollowed out from the inside like a fucking... He's stronger. We've rebuilt him stronger after Vito Wars. He sat on the show, he's like, this show can't work like a fucking... He's stronger. We've rebuilt him stronger after Vidal Wars. He sat on the show, he's like, this show can't work anymore because all my positions are now conservative positions. I'm like, well, I can just go right more. That's, I mean, there's always room to the right.

You just gotta find another way to break him down again so you can rebuild him. Thankfully, we have Ralph Wars now. So I get, I get down there and I'm bracing myself for more shit talk from PSA. Because when does anything ever work out, right? Why would it? And I'm bringing in just priceless family heirlooms they are now. Why would such a long shot work out for you? Why would it work out?

This is a... No one wants me to have the story that I found $100,000 of Pokemon cards in the garage, right? No way. Everybody wants that story, but more so, nobody wants me to have that story. Right. I go up to my parents' house last week, and my sister goes, Hey, can you help me grade some cards? I'm like, what are you talking about, grade cards?

What do you know about grading cards? She was like, I found some cards, I found some cards in my stuff and I think they might be worth some money. Can you help me take a look at that? And I'm like, Oh boy. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Let's, let's do it. Let's do it. You take a cut. I'll do it for free. Okay. I said, I'm not even going to take a cut. If you find priceless shit in here, generous, I'm not taking a cut. So I said, what do you for free. Oh, okay. I said I'm not even gonna take a cut. Damn. If you find priceless shit in here. Generous.

I'm not taking a cut. So I said, what do you got? He goes, well, here you go. And it's like a, it's a, it's a, one of those, remember those hard metal, remember those hard plastic clamshell boxes that had like the two little knobs that you had to go to get rid of? So it's one of those full of random Don Russ cards, and it says Walgreens on the top.

99 cents from 1986. And I said, OK, what you got here is a pack that was assembled by Walgreens from 1993. I don't think there's going to be any gems in here, but let's go ahead and look through it. First, it's like Worthless, and then there was a Mickey Mouse card she's like yeah just scan the Mickey Mouse card like what do you think this is what do you mean scan the Mickey Mouse card like a random Mickey Mouse card what would

this so I'm like oh yeah sure put it on fire up the eBay app scan it says well you can buy it now for 99 cents. What else you got? She's like, well, do the next card. Like, okay, here. Oh yeah, Ken Griffey Jr. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, that's 25 cents. You can buy it now.

So then in her mind, she thought, because I had just walked into a fortune, she's like, okay, well, why don't you scan all my cards? Like just having no respect, no love for the game, you know? While you were- She tried to slob all you. While you were off playing sports and playing with pretty, playing dollies and stuff,

I was studying the blade, right? These Pokemon cards are my life. This is not, I was born here, you know? Pokeball is life. Pokeball is life. Pokeball is life. I know this card. I remember pulling this card out of the pack. I deserve this.

You know, for you to come in and just pretend like you're also gonna, it's cause she's getting pissed, right? As I'm going through like, oh, one cent. Oh, there you go, 25 cents. Oh, look at this, a dollar. And then I'd go, oh wow, 500 bucks. And she'd go, really? No, 25 cents.

Card after card. And she's not even gonna get I go, no, 25 cents. Card after card. And she's not even gonna get pissed. That's why you did it for free. Yeah. Don't make me scan your cards with an app. The likelihood of, well that's why, because she could have easily scanned them in herself. Yes.

She wanted to, she'd be like, oh, I wanna see. You wanna outsource this to me? All right, it's very expensive. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so, I want to see the looks on your face. You want to outsource this to me? All right, it's very expensive. What was I saying? Oh, yeah, so I'm getting to PSA for their first ever bring your own shit in day. Because I was previously complaining about not wanting to do it with FedEx, where

so like an Ace Ventura guy will bash it to shit. Right. And I get there, and it's like a big industrial center outside of the fire. And bro, it was like, it's probably the closest to what I would think heaven is like. Really? It's like a big industrial center, all spick and span, Anaheim. It's got that Anaheim feel to it, that Anaheim we're still white feeling to it. Hamburger costs 25 bucks.

Hamburger costs $25 kind of feeling. Multiple food trucks in the same industrial parking lot. And I swear to God, two PSA employees pushed the doors open as I approached. And they're like, welcome, come on in. Is this your first time? I'm like, is this a cult? And then they're asking me all these questions. Like, so what do you got there?

Okay, you got all your stuff set up? Cause we have printers over there if you don't. And I'm like, I just dealt with some guy telling me about his shit to print this out. I could have done this here. And they're like, of course you could do it here. We love cards as much as you do. And then it hit me.

I'm like, that's right. This is where I belong. And I'm lining up in the thing and the guy's like, that's right. This is where I belong. And I'm lining up in the thing and the guy's like, what do you got? Yeah, I got this ride shoe. First I'm like, oh my God. This is the first time I've ever wanted to hear some, this is the first time anyone's ever talked to me in public

and I wanted to hear what they were talking about. Do you under, don't you know what this means? It was like miracle on 34th street. I'm like, well, I don't know, if I wanna leave this place. I'm looking and it's like garbage mail kid cards on the hanging from the sides of the thing And I go up there and I'm like, yeah It says on the thing that it costs more if the card is worth more

Do you guys just charge the thing? He's like, oh, yeah, but you're gonna want that if we find it because then we'll just take care We'll take care of it for you. I'm like, I've never heard that and believed You yeah, usually it's like- It's a lie. It just costs more for the same service. Usually it's a lie. So I walked out of the, I handed off these, I handed off the cards, I counted them in front of him and he took them at the sides

and lifted them up at the sides. I was expecting a big fucking ham, crushing, you know, squish, Tommy boy, picked it up and he put it in. What is this? What is Vito telling me? Oh, oyster. And he put him in the thing and I walked out

and I was like, I think that was, I think that was it. I think that was my purpose in life. I think I'm done. You leave and then he goes, Oh man, you wouldn't believe this. The whole card factory set on fire. I'm gonna need at least two hands off of this. I've never had an experience like that.

Just thinking for a moment that there existed a system that was more competent than me was the feeling that I got walking away. I was like, I think, I think those cards are in good hands. Like when they dropped, like in those programs, dropped their little girl off in the matrix. Like, here's for a better life for you. That's how I felt about my cards. Like that was, I think those cards are gonna have a better life. And then I drove home and the sky darkens with soot and incompetence and lesbian mayors, you know, there's a flaming pride parade screaming down the street,

getting mugged. Some Venezuelan muggers pulled over a gay pride parade downtown, mugged them. For what? Pride. Why did I start talking about my cards? Oh yeah, Vito. So I busted that. So he smugly said he was gonna shock us and awe us with his weight loss.

And then I dropped that on him. Oh, and then I read Lemon Sake in chat and was like, burn it. So I was like, you know what? I fucking started, I looked for a lighter and obviously I have every implement of destruction in here. What's funny is you can't hear the lighter click off camera or cause it's not in the mic. Yeah. So it just appears and goes up in flames. What does Vito want?

Hey, what's up? Hey, Lars. I'm doing my show right now. What are you talking about? I don't know. I'm just talking about the light. and goes up in flames. What does Vito want? Hey, what's up? Can we lunch? I'm doing my show right now. What are you talking about? I don't know.

The fat brain got to him. He had to call mid show to see if he ate lunch. God damn. I don't know. Okay, the Magic card burning. That was great. Great payoff. He's going to eat the other half of that Magic card

if you're not careful. He said he had the great idea of giving it away as a tournament prize for if we do a Magic, the Gathering tournament. I think it's worth about, what, like $3.75, based on how much card material is left. Yeah, you can easily... Easy. It's like the government.

You can just tape two of the cards back together and send it back in. They'll give you the... Totally. Okay, you want to watch some... You want to watch some lesbians... How lesbians are running the show and how lesbians are getting it done? We took three... I've seen, yeah.

We took three... One is not... You know what I realized? Something... See, this. We took three. One is not, you know what I realized something? See, this is how it goes. We put lesbians, and when I say lesbians, I mean women. We put women in charge of all the physical services in California, which is physical and logistical, the two things that women are legendary at. And we put them as the mayor, we put them as the fire chief, and every other single

role on down the line. And then whenever we go, DEI is a big problem, they're like, the women in charge, all of them, all six or 12 of them, or however many they are, you go, this DEI shit is a big problem. And they go, how dare you say that about black people? I say, I'm not saying that about fucking black people. I'm saying, I would love a black guy to be running the fire department right now. Are you fucking kidding me?

It's you, you women. You drove a fire truck through a fucking orphanage. What do you mean? It's not about black people. It's about women. Both you guys, and then I look at Republicans, they're like, oh, it's the DEI shit. I'm like, no, actually it's women. It's not actually DEI. Stop saying DEI. They're like, uh, these fucking guys are just racing against black people. No, not.

I'm pretty sure a black guy could carry a lot of weight out of a house, whether it's burning or not. So let's get more of those guys in. Here's the the big lesbian in charge of the fire. And notice you qualified it with big. Well, the lesbians come in various sizes from large to supersize, you know? California... Sliding scale. The, the homo, it's homophobic for lesbians to be under a large. I don't know if you knew that. Right.

Because it titillates the male mind and gaze. One of those CRFIs. Yes. What was that called? The cake-related fatphobic incident. Cake-related fatphobic incidents. It's a cake-related fatphobic incident. Cake-related fatphobic incidents. It's a cake-related fatphobic incident. If a lesbian is shaped like anything but other than this, that's considered homophobic. And for the people listening,

I just went straight down with my hands. If there's any sort of inwardness, that's homophobia considered. Oh, inwardness. Inwardness is synonymous with homophobia. Um, okay, here's, um, here's the level of girl boss, girl boss-ness that we're dealing with. I don't know, it's just, we're having a real fucking

manna-sance, honestly. We're allowed to say that women shouldn't be in the army. The menna-sance. The mennaants. The menaceants. Mark Zuckerberg says there's no more tampons in the men's room at Facebook. Sick. So I guess he's just like, that's fine then, that's his apology. It's like the worst drunk apology ever.

Wow, I got- Sorry for- Yeah. It's a cost cutting measure on his side. We shouldn't be lotting him for that. Yeah, it's like, oh, sorry I got drunk and tried to fuck your mom last night. Here's, I made scrambled eggs.

Hey, I saved money. Yeah. Cool. Okay, here is, what is this? Fire chief, assistant chief Kristen Larson. We're being run by a tyranny of Christians. Did you know that? Three or four Christians are in charge. That is terrifying. That checks out. I guarantee you they've had that conversation before. We're all named Kristen. The three Christians of the Apocalypse? Yes. Where's

the fourth? Where's the fourth Kristen? Be on the lookout. Cause she's gonna rear her ugly head up. Those cloven hooves are rearing to go. Gee peg. You're gonna start hearing, I'm gonna hear deep dead asleep at night with my little baby sleeping peacefully in my room. I'm gonna hear the clip clop of a Kristen hooves. You're gonna hear it rising from the canyons.

And that's what I'm gonna know. See all the birds flying out of them. My Pokemons are gonna start glowing. My Pokemon cards are gonna begin glowing down in Santa Ana in the vault, or they're vaulted forever. Fireplace is gonna ignite. The stove is gonna ignite, Johnny. That the manpocalypse has arrived.

The stove that will never be able to get turned off will ignite. Yeah, the stove with nothing cooked. Wow, your stove's lit. that the manpocalypse has arrived. The stove that will never be able to get turned off will ignite. Yeah, the stove with nothing cooked. Wow, your stove's lit. It's eternally lit with the power of, with the demonic power of women's incompetence and you can't cook on it.

It's the fire that's eternally lit and you can try. Put anything on it, it won't cook. It's like an Olympic torch. It's like an Olympic torch. It function, it will catch the house on fire. It will catch the house on fire. It will catch the house on fire. It won't cook anything. But it won't cook anything and you cannot quench its incompetent rage at the patriarchy.

Just throw your wallet right in there. Oh, you're burn your money. You have to burn your money on it to get it to silence its incessant crying. That's when I will know when I hear those clip clops of the footsteps That's when I will know, when I hear those clip clops of the footsteps and the scent and the spice scent of the smoking pumpkin spice scent of the demon of the fourth Kristen. That's when I will know that the manpocalypse has begun and the final battle is nigh. And I'll take my child, I'll shoot my wife in the head, I'll say, I'm sorry, but you're all a hazard now. I will make my wife in the head. I'll say this. I'm sorry, but you're all a hazard now. I will make my first decisive act.

It's like a zombie outbreak. Yes. Instantly. Instant decisions. One hesitation will get you, will get your penis chopped off and will get you feminized in the manpocalypse. Jesus. And it all started with this. It all started the day that LA burned down. Here's, I mean, come on, sweetheart. You could be a lesbian without a double chin, right?

You have to hang up a McDonald's sign out front of your house to get it responded to. You don't need a, does she have a feed bag while she's at the fire station? Look at this. Is that a silver tooth? It might be, attention, all right. So this is the fire chief, assistant fire chief. Assistant to the fire chief?

If I have a problem with this, it's not because of DEI. I'm sure a black guy giving this message would have answered the question correctly. It's because I have a problem with women. It's not DEI. The DEI part is not black people. It's the women people that I have a big fucking problem with in this particular scenario and I'm gonna explain why as if I need to. A lot more mainstream of a cause, you know Yeah, everyone's on board with the DEI now and I'm like, excuse me knock knock knock gotta go up a rung You gotta go you got to get to the heart of it. Here we go. Somebody that responds to you Okay, she's talking about what she would do if to get someone out of a fire

I guess you want to see somebody that responds to your house your emergency whether it's a medical call or a fire call That looks like you it gives that person a little bit more ease on fire somebody that responds to your house, your emergency, whether it's a medical call or a fire call, that looks like you. It gives that person a little bit more ease. On fire? No, I don't. I don't want someone on fire or having a heart attack. I don't want someone who looks like this. Ah, responding to my medical crisis.

I want somebody who looks like Buzz Lightyear or Winston, a man. Someone who's equipped for the job. Yeah. I want someone who looks like they could carry me out of my house. Right. If I'm having a medical emergency or a fire emergency,

I want to go, I bet that guy could carry me. I don't want him to, cause that's gay. I don't want this asshole smoking a bowl before he rescues me, fuck. What's up, man? I'm here to save you from a medical emergency, man. You're like, fuck me. And I'll join you too, but like, come on, man,

we gotta get the fuck out of here. Me, dude, women not, we are our greatest enemy. I don't want me saving me from shit. I've been trying to save me from me for a long time. It hasn't worked. I don't want me showing up and saving me from a goddamn thing because I'm the reason I'm in it! Okay, here we go.

Knowing that somebody might understand their situation better, is she strong enough to do this, or you couldn't carry my husband out of a fire? Which my response is, he got himself in the wrong place if I have to carry him out of a fire. Don't back-sass me, save my god damn life. Save my worthless life. He got himself in the wrong. Well, he got himself in the wrong. Didn't you get like, yelled at for trying to- How'd you like to help yourself get a punch right in the fucking mouth?

I'm gonna get- actually, if a woman tries to save me from a fire, I'll punch her ass. Only about five percent of working firefighters are women. That's... Look at that powerful trot! Have you ever seen a man give that kind of like there's a sail at Macy's trot with the hands coming out like that? Terrifying. If I was the fire I out like that. Terrifying. If I was the fire, I would be terrified. Okay, so the women are asking you

why you got yourself into that spot, right? Last thing I wanna hear when I'm on fucking fire. You can't drag my husband out of here. Well, my first question is, oh hell no, why did he get his ass, why his ass gets his ass in the fire, right? That was, is that an accurate, that why did he get, why did he get his ass, why his ass gets his ass in the fire, right? That was, is that an accurate, that's what you said, right? I think so, yeah.

Okay, so here's, here's, here's someone who burned to death. We could, we interview their ghost too. Former child actor Rory Skies, who was born blind and had cerebral palsy, has died in the Palisades fire, his mother announced. His mother has a broken arm and was unable to lift or move her son to safety. So she left him to go get some fire people. She was looking for either a fireman

or five or six fire lesbians, either one. But, or, you know, either one to come save her son who had cerebral palsy. You see the glib way that they talk about the entire function of their job, which to them is just handouts. It's sick. It's demented.

It's actually disgusting. It's disgusting, it's disgusting. They paint such a picture. I guess he didn't need to be- I guess he got his ass in the wrong place at the wrong time. Serves him right. Stupid ass. Should have brought his fucking binoculars, you know? Yeah, crack ass, getting himself cerebral palsy. Um...

Okay, you got any- you got any arsonists down where you are? No. Oh, we have shitloads of arsonists. No, we're allowed to shoot them still. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.

That's great. Uh, let's see. Here's a drone. Canada sent us a bunch of cool water planes. Sick. Like, launch pads plane that picks up the ocean and drops it on. You know what I love are all the guys who were like, well, why don't you just spray seawater all over it?

Like, all right, man, I'll just go get my, I'll go fill up my truck bed of seawater. That's fine. Um, this Canada sent us a bunch of these cool planes that fill up with seawater and then dump it on the house. And then, uh, uh, our firemen flew a drone into it the first day. So they had to park it and they're like, it'll be back in action in two weeks or whenever we get it. So you remember when the homeless burned the freeway down?

I do. You remember that? Yeah. That was like a foreshadowing, you know? A very subtle foreshadowing. Very subtle. Hey, all the homeless burning freeway down. Oh, we got a lot of those homeless.

Should we? Got a lot of freeways. Yeah, let's set them on fire. Let's just, I mean, we're spending a billion dollars to fight homelessness and a billion dollars in fighting fires, and now we just have homeless people that make fire. So let's just cut the funding and set the homeless on fire.

A modest proposal? Yeah, a modest, I'm serious about mine though. Let's rebuild the Pacific Palisades into a giant wicker man where the homeless can go shoot up and do drugs at the very top. How does that sound? That sounds great. That sounds like a great housing plan, I think. where the homeless can go shoot up and do drugs at the very top. How does that sound? That sounds great. That sounds like a great housing plan, I think.

They're bound to set it on fire anyway. With 38 fires a day. Oh, this one was good. We started getting all these, you probably don't get these, but in LA we started getting all these emergency messages, like the Amber the amber alerts but for fire. I've been hearing about those. So first it was just like whoa general fire warning, but then as the fire kept going you'd get goofy ones like like everyone's evacuated oops sorry didn't

we didn't mean that. Apparently they lost control of the they don't know how the emergency warning system works because probably because the guy in India who built it or runs it was sleeping. Honestly, that's probably what happened. Plane text password somewhere. Yeah, so this is the guy, this is the guy who's, I don't want to say in charge, because no one is in charge of it, but here's the government statement.

Let me button this up. Well, in coordination with our federal and state partners, how we can stop the messages that are going out right now, that are not being initiated by human action to stop that and then understand how that occurred so that the tool can still be used for what was identified as like a critical fire weather that we're still in experiencing and will continue to experience. What the fuck?

Fired. How come Trump just didn't walk in there, you're outta here, get out, don't ever talk about, don't ever talk about any of this stuff again. That was insane. Would you buy a cell phone from that guy? No. What was this shit? He's talking like Maddox with his hands up in the air. I could pay attention to the single thing he said and then we got this fucking goofball over here

Get rid of these idiots. Look at this. Look at the sign language guy and how that look at this fucking doofus So that This is appropriate Well, I can't take it serious because the amount of sign language interpreters who have turned out to be frauds over here is just like What's the point? We have closed caption. Yeah. What is the what is the deal? Yeah, guy with no arms and legs burnt to death good one Hang him up call call him Art. How dare you, how dare you attack black people like this?

No, I don't think so. No. That's, no, oh yeah, and the URL thing, everybody's heard that. Oh, that's a good one, yeah. That's a good one. Water Chief says her primary focus is diversity. You nailed it.

I mean, they nailed it. They did everything that they said they were gonna do. Diversified everything. And- That's about it. That's about it, yeah. They didn't say they were gonna stop any fires. Yeah. Let's see here.

URL. Help, emergency. Uh... Help, emergency... Oh, yeah, I'll rewind it. This is Karen Bass, who Vito better not have voted for. I think that's why he dodged the question so much. He's like, I didn't vote on the...

Yeah, because he doesn't remember. He just goes D all the way down. Uh, okay. So he did then? He probably did. Actually, he probably So he did. He probably did. Actually, he probably didn't vote. People in LA don't usually vote in midterms. True. Cause they're dumb.

Now, if you need help, emergency information, resources and shelter is available. All of this can be found at URL. Los Angeles together is how we will get through this. No problem. URL, that's like the community center, right? Yeah. It's like the place we all gather and- Just fire up your computer, head over to URL.

The United Resources and Learning, you know. Wouldn't that be crazy if URL actually, did anyone actually check if URL works? Yeah, we're all fucking retards. And they're like, we made it easy so that total idiots could find it in an emergency. You guys are just so funny. Yeah.

It's too much cute shit at that point. Could you imagine if your dad did this on television? I would never let him leave it down. Dad, why would you say URL on TV? My dad fucked up a word when I was like five, and I still don't let them live it down. Are you kidding me? Do these people not have kids?

They must not, or no real people in their lives to tell them, like, what are you doing? Dude, they should interview, instead of interviewing politicians, because it's all bullshit, they should interview their kids, and we should vote on who busts their, which kid is a bigger ball buster. Like if my dad was running for president and I got to give an interview, oh baby. That. It would last the entire election. One time my dad, one time my dad was smoking a turkey, one time, first year

he ever smoked a turkey. We were living in Phoenix and he fried, he started up the smoker, he must have, he must have been younger than me, than I am now. first year he ever smoked a turkey. We were living in Phoenix and he started up the smoker. He must have been younger than me than I am now. Jesus. He must have been exactly my age that I am now. He fired up a smoker. He never used a smoker before but it was like a new, you know, he was the first guy with the cappuccino machine. He's the first guy with a smoker to start like... One of those guys. He's one of those guys Right. This is my interview right on CNN town hall Fires it up comes inside of my mom looks out the kitchen window and she goes to the olive trees on fire

What shit and he runs out there The fucking smokers on fire and half of a fucking olive trees on fire That was Thanksgiving that year that was the Thanksgiving that we had ham sandwiches or something like that next next question what was the town hall question the question was about abortion oh yeah anyway that's amazing yeah I'd vote based on that okay Zucker, let's see, Zuckerberg and masculine energy. Oh, Zuck. Like anything else funny in here? Oh yeah, here we go.

I think I found the problem. You found the problem. I think I found the problem. Holy shit. Here it is, this is NPR. Says firefighting is mostly white and male. A California program aims to change that. I got it just coming at you from a purely scientific engineering background.

I'm humbly suggesting that you change one variable at a time. Yeah, but if you change every variable all at once, then like. So that you know when the state catches on fire and you lose hundreds of billions of dollars in property damage, so you know which the variable it was, what's caused the fuck up. It's this two variable shit. Yeah, but why not fast track it with two variables? We know that the, look, we all know that the white's a problem, okay?

I'm just saying I think the men's are the problem too. So let's just change both at the same time. It didn't work! You hate black people! Aww. That's the gambit. Damn it. That's a good gambit.

It works every time. It's the, we introduce two things, so if you don't like either one of them, we ding you on both things. We ding you on both. Damn it. That's a good gambit. It works every time. We introduce two things, so if you don't like either one of them, we ding you on both. We ding you on both. Firefighting departments nationwide have tried to diversify their ranks for years. They have made only modest progress. See that I should edit this and then I would put, because it's a stupid idea. Today the profession remains overwhelmingly white and male.

Well, remains overwhelmingly male. I'm sure from member station KQED Fardia Jahablava. I swear to God, that's the name. Fardia, Farida, Farida, Farida, Jahabla, Jahaba, Jahab, Jahabwala Romero. Okay, whatever. Oh, say the easy one for the end. Reports on one program in California that's trying to change that. I first met Lupi Duran in 2017, just weeks before his home was destroyed by a massive wildfire,

the 23-year-old welding student was overwhelmed with loss, sleeping on relatives' couches, but the disaster made Durand realize he didn't want to feel powerless. So he wanted more women in there? It's the feeling of wanting to do more. Now he's becoming a firefighter, paramedic. Those guys guys get paid a lot man. There's a lot of competition for those jobs He enrolled in a program All those fuckers those motherfuckers So he enrolled in a program preparing people of color and women for careers in the fires of that's crazy So the the paramedic and firemen jobs are very very good jobs.

So it makes sense that male minorities would be excluded because America's been white for so long, you know, and they're very competitive jobs. Obviously, they're going to have a shitload of white people, right? So they've snuck in women. So they've anchored minorities to women and said, well, you know. Two variable bullshit, man. Yeah, well, if the men want the job,

we women wanna hand out too. Well, yeah, but they don't wanna hand out. They have to carry crippled people out of burning buildings. There's no system beating on this one. Yeah, you guys get to make smug ass comments and freeze up like fainting goats on your press conferences. All team are you ready?

Oh god, a female recruit rappels off a ravine near a creek. Once at the bottom she puts a harness on her colleague, pretending to be in need of rescue. Uh, okay whatever. The day in the life of being a firefighter. Yeah, park the fire truck. Can you park the fire truck next to the fire hydrant? Oh, stop yelling at me! Parallel park it? You drove over the fire hydrant!

What do you mean you had to call your boyfriend to come have him repark it for you? This is how I parallel park. I like to stand outside of the fire truck and then I can see what's happening on both sides. Jesus. I usually call my dad when I parallel park and then he has like a little riddle that he reads to me like okay you went and then back up now can you see the bumper now turn it this you can't just remember it I like to I like to make my dad feel useful. Sounds like he is the only one of you two that's useful. Uh- uh huh, okay. Yeah, I don't know, maybe we'll get, maybe we'll get a cool,

maybe we'll get some changes here and there. We got a new DA. Oh. Who's cracking down on crime. Really? Oh yeah. He ran on fuck criminals and we're like, yeah. That's cool.

Fuck criminals. It's always cool. And someone's like, what about black criminals? He's like, fuck them too. Like, what? Whoa. Whoa. Wow.

Maybe there is a good change coming to LA. Who knows? Who knows? Zuckerberg with his masculine energy. I want my, every time I see what Zuckerberg is saying about, I don't believe him, but I think he's worried about getting ass-raped by Congress for all the crooked shit that he's been doing.

Yeah, for all the ass-raping he's been doing. For all the ass-raping he's been doing. Oh man, here's a good one for you. Speaking of ass-rape, this is how Afghani soldiers see all the boy ass-rape that's happening on. I thought it was funny. Let's see. We have with a lead-in like that. Speaking of ass raping, jumping ahead a little bit. Okay, here we go. Here's the Afghani. A US Major tries to persuade an Afghan commander to stop his men from raping boys on police bases before the Taliban

take over. Taliban don't really tolerate it as much as, not as much as the US soldiers, I don't think. The Afghan says if they don't fuck the asses of the boys, what should they fuck? Okay, well, I mean, he's asking a question! Okay, let's hear it straight from the... We gotta fuck something. Gotta fuck something. Before that briefing had happened, Major Stuber knew that three young boys had been shot dead on police patrol bases.

Okay. All three of them were chai boys. So young boys had been abducted by the police commanders and were used as servants. They served tea, but also sex slaves. They're raped by the police commanders. Okay, that's odd. That's pretty dire. And you see on every base, you see several boys,

sometimes in uniform, sometimes not, but 13, 14 years old. It's very common practice there. We need more programmers. We have a shortage of programmers in the US. We've gotta get programmers in, the best and the brightest. We don't know how to test for that. The most valuable skill in human history is the ability to spot the top 1%

and not one single... the only metric we have for determining who's the top 1% is a track history and that is not a guarantee. That's why capitalism works because it assumes the greatness could come from absolutely anybody because no one in the history of civilization has been able to predict who is the best and the brightest. That is a lie. Nobody. Except for we know that these guys are it.

We know that these guys are it. All right. A few of them have been shot dead by the police, one possibly by another chai boy, nobody's quite sure. And he's just found out that a fourth boy has been shot at point blank range in the leg for trying to escape. And I was there so he let me follow him to meet the acting police chief and confront him about this.

Alright, alright, let me get the good stuff. Trying to talk this guy out of rapes. Okay. Yesterday we had, unfortunately, a young boy, about 13, maybe 14 years old, who was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. He was in the hospital.

He was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. Okay. Yesterday we had, unfortunately, a young boy about 13 to 14 years of age was shot. Now there's a couple of things on there that you and I have talked about. Look at this fucker. It's like a Dr. Phil, but these guys are like raping. How much do we pay for this? Yeah. There's some amount of vice that was like, well, you gotta,

what's happening here. Got to make something. We've got Buzz Lightyear. We've got Pat Tillman here trying to like, psychologize with the rapist. All right. We've had, we've had all the PV commanders in this very room about having young boys and civilians

on PBs. Okay, he said tell him I've mentioned this 20 times. Okay. I have mentioned it more than 20 times. No, I know. You remind me from there. Why was there a boy on that PB? What did that commander say to you? If they don't fuck the asses of the boys, what should they fuck? Okay, it gets better The pussies of their own grandmothers?

Come on, you're busting my balls here. Come on. If they don't fuck the boys asses What do you want them to fuck the pussies of the grandmothers? What are you gay? I like that it's the only other alternative. Here's where it here's the- here's the punchline. This is his next comment. Their asses were used before, and now they want to get what they are owed. So they got raped when they were little boys, and they're like, well... I want to get my rapes in. Yeah, it's subtitled, but that's what he's saying. When what's so funny about it is that is that line perfectly summarizes the mindset of every

boomer I have ever met in any capacity is that well, I got I got my ass fucked. So yeah, I'm gonna fuck your ass. Why? Do you like fucking asses or something? No, no, I don't wanna fuck any young boys. I don't wanna fuck any little boys up the ass, but I got my ass fucked, so I'm gonna get, I'm gonna do my ass fucking.

Take one down and pass it around, man. You know, social security's not gonna, it's not gonna work. Like you guys are, you don't this money, and you're bankrupting Everybody like well I paid mine. I put mine in I'm damn sure gonna get you're getting ass fuck next You're getting ass fucked and then you get to ass fuck little boys When you're my age, I don't want to do that. I'm not

Maybe I am I don't want to do that. I'm not, maybe I am. It's all fun and games till one day you give some shitty advice and then the fucking cycle begins again. Can you believe that? Well, they got their ass fucked so they wanna get, they wanna fuck some ass.

Every single, every, he says it so simply. That's what they were promised, you know? Yeah, and the army guys like, I don't have a good argument for that Oh Well, if you phrase it like that, yeah, go ahead get back out there We're leaving anyway, so the only other alternative is to fuck their grandmother's pussies So you tell me what do you want a bunch of grandma pussy getting fucked here? It's gonna stink. What are you talking about?

disgusting Grandma pussy getting fucked here. It's gonna stink. What are you talking about? It's disgusting He's fucking he's fucking big-leaguing the fucking high-roading the American military guy What do you what are you saying? You want them to fuck their old grandma's pussy? This and he's turned like this guy right? He's going around to them He's fucking that's Don Rickles in him or whatever fucking best part You don't know fuck little boys. You're gonna fuck the grandma pussy. What's what matter with you? Joe Pesci whatever he's doing in there. What are you a grandma fucker? What are you a little grandma? What were you grandma's boy? Oh fucking Nancy boy. Of course. We're fucking little boys get out of here Go back to America insane go back to Texas

Okay, Zuckerberg. Dang, we've already gone a long time. Ah, OK. Yeah. Let's get to Zuckerberg. Shit. Oh, yeah, Milo called me gay. Well. I don't know. It doesn't hit the same when the guy calling you gay is on prep.

It doesn't really hit. It takes the sting out of it. Yeah. That's... His jaw was all clenched up like his asshole should be. You're gay! Okay, Milo. You might want to either lay on or lay off the diazepam. clenched up like his asshole should be. You're gay! Okay, Milo.

You might wanna either lay on or lay off the diazepam the next time you start calling people. You might wanna either go more flamboyant or less flamboyant. I know you've, Milo, I know you've only been straight for a short amount of time, but straight guys calling other straight guys gay is kinda how I grew up. That's kinda how all of us grew up. While you were getting raped by priests or whatever was happening, I was having normal, heterosexual, gay calling each other through all of high school and middle school. That's not quite the- that's not quite the, uh, spear of destiny that you think it is.

Oh, yeah, well well you're gay. That says a lot more about you with your wife, with your, I'm not saying all transsexual people are mentally ill, but the guy pretending to be your wife is. What were you gonna say? I was gonna say he's just waiting for his turn in the Indian military, man. Yeah.

Next round of initiations. Oh, yeah, well, you're gay. Yeah, I'm sorry that I said no to both you and Ralph, who are both pill addicts. I'm really sorry for that. But I didn't want to spend my Saturday watching a slurring pill fight between a homosexual and a drug addict. No, thank you. Streaming to 400 people. I'm

really sorry I couldn't make that happen for you delusional retards so that a bunch of people who already hate me online had more reasons to dump on Ralph. I'm really fucking sorry that I didn't do that, you flaming queer. I'm fucking sorry. I hope, please God, I hope both of you drug addicts with no families will forgive me, the successful family man for my transgressions against your day of debauchery and babysitting by me. Does that sum it up? Does that sum up what's happening here?

I just want to know who would have left with your catalytic converter. Milo or Ralph? Yep. One of them. I loved your, I mean, I loved you. I think you're wonderful. Uh, I thought your stuff back in the day was funny.

I was sad at what happened to you. But if you guys are gonna, if Ralph War is gonna go anything like your war against Nick Fuentes, tell me when you're done so I know. You can only ask for so much. It has, it has, it doesn't have, when you go after a conservative political thought leader by whatever, calling him gay or whatever.

Alright, I mean, I guess that's what politics is. Going after a deadbeat comedian by calling me gay is not the same thing, guys. I have a bad news for you. Yeah, spam emails are like that now. Should we get into Ralph War? I don't know. Does anybody, is anybody even interested in Ralph War? He cut a promo on me.

How long is it? I don't know I didn't listen to it. I don't. How slurred is it? You're not live on rumble? I know I have all the right stuff on rumble but it just didn't it just didn't work. Watch the promo. Ralph War. Alright let me read some of these comments then I'll watch the promo. I just. Dude, it's Ralph War, man. You extinguished the Veto War tire fire and now this. Exactly. Oh, Veto War's over, I can get back to content. That's what you get for trying to help, man. I mean, sadly that is true. And then you said no to helping, and now look what you get.

I said no to enabling. That is, yeah, that's right, that isn't helping. They wanted, oh God, Ralph is just, he's just so fucked up. Either way, dude. He just blitzed out of his fucking mind. It's like we talked about before, you are the center of all,

if something's going on in this world, it's your fault. It's my fault. It is my fault. It's your fault. It's my fault. You said no. All you had to do was just let people walk all over you. What's wrong with you? Yeah.

All I had to do was, what Ralph did, expose my family to Ralph. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and that works out well. Always, when has it not? I wanted to say that when I was like, nah, man, I'm, I'm out, I'm out. I don't wanna do it, that was out. I don't want to do it.

That was it. I don't want to do it. He goes, why? It's the drugs. You mean my drugs. OK, there's the addict. I know this. I'm like, you remember in DuckTales,

you remember the introduction of Gizmo Duck? Yes. You remember that five-part series? Do you remember the climax of the Gizmo Duck introduction when Fenton Crackshell out counts the computer? It's coming back to it. 47,500 billion. Yes.

Oh, man, he's walking around fucking accounting in the computer. The computer that's trying to take over the galaxies got all screwed his money, starts fritzing out, and explodes. Classic John Henry story. If you put me up against a spectrograph for what drugs people are on, that would be me.

You've been taking Dizepam this morning. Any autopsy, I'll go, yeah, you took about five grams of fentanyl last night, yeah, oh yeah, you're about four shots deep, I think that's makers. That's me, I'm the Fenton Crack Shell of detecting drugs. So when I get messages, oh, you mean my data? I say, okay. Dr. Ethan and Mr. Ralph, dude.

Ugh, I'm just sad. Just bummed by it. Thank God Vito's there, honestly, because he's having, Vito is a lot more, I don't know. He's just like. He's just got a food addiction. Yeah, he's really, he's really like just infinitely tolerant of a lot of shit that I am like not, and I'm frustrated by maybe he's not as close to it as I am.

But it shows. Whatever. Yeah, it does. So then Ralph wanted to, Ralph's challenging him to box. Oh, box a takeout box. What are they? Ralph and Vito are going to get in the ring and Ralph's going to fight alcoholism and Vito's going to fight food addiction. And there's going to be a double K.O. I'm surprised an auctioneer isn't going to get up on stage and try and sell them off to some fucking livestock brokers.

It's going to be a reverse slave auction. The soap auction. Brokers. It's gonna be a reverse black a slave auction The soap auction I don't should I watch the promo Yeah, just fucking yeah. Yeah, he fixed there. He fixed the Milo rift instantly. I know Attics look they always find each other to use It's just the nature of it. Whatever. It's not my problem. Yeah, it's not real until one of them

starts dismantling a microwave in the middle of the street thinking they can resell it for $20. OK, is this Lemon Sake? This is the Ralph promo. All right. Let's see how. Let's see where he's going with this. Oh, I don't even, I like his face.

I feel bad even watching it. It hurts me in my, hurts me in my heart. Hurts me in my healthy heart. I can only imagine how much his heart is hurting but on a physical level oh don't ever tell don't ever tell a junkie no you never forgot did you dissing a le okay I mean if your brain is not just... this might as well have a Xanax logo over it. If you can't hear that, like everyone says drunk, but they're very... they're slightly different. Because drunk people will go like a broken wheel to go talk like... Right. We all go to go talk like that is yeah, there's they have a more Musical lack of days lack of days equal quality to them. Yeah, but benzos are

Monotonous right monotone dead. No Like a Ben Stein, yeah, yeah like a slow mo or Consonants are slow that you did and think could be slowed down. Are we sure he didn't have a stroke or 10? I didn't like Milo Yiannopoulos. Why would you even do that? Oh, because the $25,000 Patreon. You know, it's pretty sad when it's all about the money. Look, everybody wants to make money

me included But it's pretty sad when you dissed out an absolute legend for money and So you see these scratches on my face. They're not from the fight last night. They're from my cat But you act like a pussy cat. That's what you act like Submerging his phone That's the water's rising in that

What's going on? Oh Ralph come on. Don't do Ralph Wars. You got to clean up. Well, he wanted to stream. And everyone knows I love Ralph when he's sober. It's so much fun to talk to when he's sober. He's on point when he's sober, man.

He's just so much fun. But the last couple times, he's called in last time, he was on pills and he's repeating shit man. He's just so much fun. But the last couple times, he's called in last time, he was on pills and just repeating shit. And it's rough to listen to. And I feel bad for making people sit through it. And then the last time he was here, he's just blitzed out on wheat, like, you know, smoking too much wheat. Man, this is not good radio.

It's not very sportsman-like. This isn't very Christmasy of you. It really wasn't. So I forgot why I... This time I was like, I don't want to, but maybe he threw out Milo. I'd been putting it off because I'm like dreading, you know, saying no, like I don't want to do this.

And he threw Milo in there like, ah, you know, I see. I fired up his stream to see how he was doing. And it's like, he's got his clothes off and he's dancing around. I'm like, OK, this isn't. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. You don't want to be part of that?

No. Does it sound fun to you? No, it honestly does not. A man who has six figures of Pokemon cards, that doesn't sound. It sounds enabling. It sounds like I'm now being used as a vehicle to get high because I'm gonna make content out of it.

So it excuses the addiction. And I've started to, as I'm sitting there thinking about, well, how's this intervention gonna go? I love Milo and Ralph and it's fun to talk to them, but they're both fucked up. And if they're both fucked up, it's gonna be very vicious and mean, and it's gonna be forever.

And I don't wanna have any part of this. Like I'm sitting there thinking to myself, well, what are you gonna say? What are you gonna say for, I'm taking a shower, right want to have any part of this. Like I'm sitting there thinking to myself, well what are you going to say? What are you going to say? I'm taking a shower, right? Null's going to love this. I'm taking a shower, soaping up my chest. You were texting Null the whole time, were you?

Null hit me up. Amazing. He's like, what did you say? I said no. I don't like, I'm here in my house. I don't have to do anything. Is that a brick being built in the bridge to everlasting friendship?

I hope so. I want to be friends with Null again. Uh... He's gotta ease up on the milk though. I don't want to be milk, maybe I'll be milk buddies with Null. No, get him some nice cheese. Get some cheese. Get him some nice cheese. So I thought, I'm in the shower thinking about it, I'm like, you know, thinking, you got to get sober for your kids.

Like nothing else matters. But then I'm thinking, am I making content in my mind? Like, what am I doing here? This is, this is not a good thing that I'm doing. This is a, this is a bad thing. This is, this is like, and I, and I've, I'm thinking in my mind, well, I have like a wife, I want to say like, well, I got like, you know, a wife and kid. I don't want to, I don't want this around my family, but that ain't, that's not the truth. That's true.

But the truth is I don't want to do this. Yeah, I've been there. Right? I've been there plenty of times. I thought it's easy to say, I don't want this around. It's easy to throw them under the bus, right? I get a little phoenix that I'm worried about. I don't want this around. I'm trying to have a, we already, like our friends' houses are burning down.

It's a stressful time. Power's going out, man. Climate change is looting everybody's house, you know, and setting Cypress trees on fire. Cypress hills. I don't want to do this, but that's not the truth either. I just don't want to do this. At least if you're going to get a new couch out of it, maybe. And then I get, I mean, I'm not even gonna get into it. I got the reaction I thought I would get.

Like, all right. You just gotta start following him around with a drone, dude. Watch him throw shoes at it and shit. I wonder if I could get that guy, the bum drone guy... Bums and drones, yeah. ...to call in. And then Milo comes in. Oh, you're limped.

I'm like, yeah, because I think you wanted to just brutalize, like I think that you both wanted to sit in this, and I don't, like, it's not good for people. They just wanna pick this in front of you, dude. And you said no, how dare you? How, yeah, how, I know, how dare I. Think of the content you missed out on. Think of what a legendary moment. And then it was in dairy war total war

All right, I Like how Vito caught us straight up like hey, let's go out to eat. It's like fuck you You're a pedophile. I'll fight you in the ring. I'll eat you in the ring. I'll fuck your ass in there He's like, oh just I'll just stop Maybe Vito will be a little more buffet shy about it Did I get the did I play the second one lemon? See no, there's another one. Okay, let's see here That was the second one

Oh, that was the second one. Um, Ralph, you're giving your kids lifelong trauma with what you're doing. You setting them up in the worst possible way in their lives. People struggle their entire lives to escape from the trauma that you were causing them on purpose with your decisions. Now you have to clean up for them for real. You have to go in person to AA. You have to really get a sponsor. You have to really do all of these things.

And it's up to you. This is like the most serious thing they've ever had on this show, Jesus fuck. It goes for all of the rest of you that are also drinking too much. It's not any celebrity thing. Plenty of normal people find infinite reasons to drink and relapse. And there is none. There is no.

People's houses are burning down, not literally, not figuratively, but literally all around us and they manage to not drink You can too or do anything. There's always always always an excuse to do it the anniversary of whatever Something horrible your Pokemon cards don't get come back with a ten. They come back with a nine. It's always an excuse there that saying Drunk people are sober people talking, it's always annoyed me because it's not true. When you're drinking and you're on drugs, it's just an evil person. It's the evil thing that's in everyone that's devouring them from the inside and making

them want to escape from themselves so they drink and then that evil comes out. It's not what they really think. It's this reptilian, this dark thoughts inside of everyone that are inside more, that there's more of them and some people than others because they lived through something like this when they were kids a lot of the time or for whatever reason. It's something that it's something that people say who don't struggle with addiction, something that people say to addicts to whip them and bully them into shaping up.

Yeah, it's just a sobered person talking. So you better not use or else I'm going to think that that's what you really mean, right? It's just a manipulating thing, which is fine if it works. Do whatever you want. But it's not true. And what's inside, what's inside Ralph and everyone else who's using is, is a good person? Maybe. But only if you, only if you make it that way. What's inside Ralph and everyone else who's using is a good person, maybe. But only if you make it that way.

It's not gonna- You get a good person at best. It can be. It can be inside of you. But you gotta put it there. You gotta stop this. All right, anyway. I don't know how Ralph Wars are gonna go. I'm worried about Milo, you know? Huh, man. Mr. Hamilton Burger, I haven't laughed out loud as hard

as I did in forever at Johnny saying Nat Turner's punch out. Oh, yeah. You gotta fight for your right to fight for your right to fight for your right. That's a history. Is there a Ness, like you were showing me your steam deck. Oh yeah. Is there a Ness emulator there

so I can play Nat Turner's Punch Out? I have to make Nat Turner's Punch Out first. You think you can do that? I probably could. Oh man, you know what's great in LA is how many women are glued to the fire watching app that are living in the middle of Culver City that are just terrified of. Just fucking up the server load.

You could have 10, you could have 20 climate changes with blow torches with flamethrowers walking down the city and not managed to even get one ember but they're like oh what's gonna happen to me like this is this is wonderful they managed to find a new next door yeah yeah they really did or do anything do you want to soda or anything I'm asking my oh yeah two please that would be perfect, thank you. Okay. God, it's so much better without the headphones.

Everything is. It really is. All those good records were made without headphones. Were they really? That's what they say. Really? I just haven't heard a good record so I couldn't tell you. Oh, I hear it.

I hear the soda coming. I hear the sodas. Oh, I hear it. I hear the soda coming. I hear the sodas. Herdurington says, parenting advice. Don't get your kid vaxxed. You didn't say Dr. Herdurington, so. Yeah, I can't buy it.

I think I'm going to get them vaxxed. He didn't qualify it with it being a doctor, so you can't trust it. Don't let them out of your sight when you're at the hospital. Don't they lojack babies now at the hospital? They hijack them. Maybe they got one of those crazy, like, leg-breaking nurses, you know?

They hold your baby at knife point, like a human shield, until you have to shoot the baby out of their hands. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh! Here you go. Cheers. Starting to feel like Sean you. Oh! Here you go. Cheers. It's starting to feel like Sean now.

Yeah! It is starting to feel like Sean. Well, it's because I have a Diet Coke in my hand, not for any other reason. No, it is. It's starting to feel. It's always jarring. It's starting to feel more natural now. Kind of.

Now that I have the... It's like living in... this anxiety, thinking someone's gonna go back to using again. Yeah. People shouldn't live like that. Yeah. And that so many people in this country are, in the world are,

and they take it out on addicts and they deserve it, but it's just a nightmare. Okay. Don't let them out of your sight when you're at the hospital. Don't let them inject your kid with vitamin K or let them put antibiotics on their eyes. No, that's like jaundice, isn't it?

Because babies get jaundice, they cure it with just a simple drop. Is this like a lizard man riding in? We had the sound machine man last week. Dr. Sound Machine was crazy. Miami Sound Machine fucking had it all figured out. It's like living on the roof of an industrial facility with all the goddamn AC.

They will try to inject your kid with Hep B-Vax on day one. Do they need the Hep B-Vax? I don't know, I got nine. I thought I had nine months to figure this shit out. Like I gotta get rid, I gotta get the piano out of here, get a smaller piano, turn that into a playroom,

put some carpet down, get rid of this guest bed, turn it into like- Get a bigger piano. I don't see where your kid earned any of the right for you to have to switch your piano up. Are you kidding me? My sister's like, I'll take it.

You can have our upright piano. And I thought, oh, you're going to put stuff on it. Upright piano? Get that the fuck out of here. I have to, man. You're going to hate it. What, are you going to play fucking ragtime all day? Yeah.

I've had an upright before. They're fun. You can open the top up and touch it. Yeah. It just will never be in tune ever. I've had an upright before. They're fun, you can open the top up and touch it. Yeah, it just will never be in tune ever. I know. Depressing, you're gonna look at that and then you're gonna look at your kid and go, see what I fucking gave up for you?

I gave up this beautiful piano. I had this nice fucking Steinway Yamaha. The greatest part about my piano is when people call it a baby grand and I say, no, it's grand, it's grand grand piano don't ever get out of here it's a good piano can you review this it's showing approvals of h1b visas to fake companies okay do we need to review it I feel like that's kind of Sounds like he summed it up for us. Yeah. While reviewing the list...

Oh, okay. Arma Priya Inc. Despite receiving 50 H1B approvals, their online presence doesn't reflect a company... Oh, it's just like scam H1B. Yeah. So much of the H1B shit It's just like Indian companies that apply for fake shit and then fill it with Indians when they get it approved Yeah, I think we all I think the battle lines on H1B are drawn now We're just gonna have to fight more yep and harder and bloodier Oh, just gonna have to fight more. Yep. And harder.

And bloodier. The gentleman sausage, you're telling me now that chicks dig ramekins? I've had a nice set of glass ramekins for almost three and a half decades. I could have gotten so many bitches if you'd have laid them all head to toe, I could have gotten like seven Parthenons worth of bitches.

And to think that's what we've been holding me back all this time, they love them shits, man. That was the Ram of King emailing it. Where does it? Where's that thing you gave me? Johnny gave me such a nice present. You gave me a nice thing last time, too, but I forgot to show it off. It's Johnny's gifts. Where the fuck did my Johnny gift go?

Oh, no. I saw it somewhere. I know I had it in here. Ah, it was on the table, is had it in here. AHHHHH! It was on the table, is it not? It was on the table! What the fuck? It was too good. It was too funny for stream even. Bro, when Vito saw

the box that the $800 card in you could see his soul leave his body. Man. Uhhhh... The official eBay everything. Ha ha ha ha. Can you send the burnt card back in and be like,

Yeah, there was a small problem with this. Can I get a return on this? It seems like some asshole has burnt my card. I see Coors cards over there. I see your Coors cards. Yeah, you brought these in. You brought these in. Where's the goddamn grapes I just saw I swore oh the grapes how did it get under me okay this is

camera this is now you were antiquing yeah right my girlfriend and I were at this vintage store the other day. A vintage racism store or? Just a vintage America store, you know, back in a certain period of time. And so we found that. Now this is, it's an ad for Black Joe's juice grapes. It's a like a crate ad that they would put on the side for shipping.

And we have a typical looking black gentleman there. Not anything odd about, certainly not a white guy that's been colored black. Right. It's a normal looking black man. Let me see if I can get a close up here. Yeah, there we go. Yeah.

Yeah. This is what you want in your juice. Yeah. Well, for your wine, for, you know, I think they were making Night Train Express or Mad Dog with it. Oh, were they? OK. Early versions.

Yeah. Is it a bumper? Should I put this on my car? Oh, yeah. Why not? Let's get it made into a deck. Why does he have a little bandana? Is that for Palestine?

I think so. You think so? I just, I'm so curious why his eyebrows are white. Inside a pair are so white. And not like salt and pepper, but white. Just like really driving the fuck, yeah. Santa Claus white. And why is he looking evil?

Why is he? Well, it's to show off how good the grapes are. Are they rapes? Is this a? Well, no, they say something about a berry and then the sweeter the juice. I can't recall the famous rap line. The evil or the, oh, yeah.

He's going to juice your grapes. That's what it looks like. He is going to juice the shit out of your grapes. But she was digging through this thing and she goes look at this And I said up. I know where that's going tomorrow And here we are We're off and Milo are gonna do a podcast. They are yeah They're gonna be called straight and sober straight sober. That's what the show is gonna be

as a show of opposites Wait which one's straight and which one's sober? Neither. Come on, man. It's like if Vito started a fitness channel. I asked Vito, I was like, you see how all the, like, seven, 10 texts in a row and stuff, you see it happening when someone else is doing it? He's like, yeah see how all the like seven, 10 texts in a row and stuff, you see it happening

when someone else is doing it? He's like, yeah, but it's different. When I was doing it, it's because you were doing. Oh, it's always different when I do it. Well, thank you for this. How am I supposed to explain this to my kid? Well, you know, he was just, well, it's grown and packed by Ed Kurtz. So I almost, I can't tell if that's Ed Kurtz or if that's Black Joe.

His name's Ed Joseph Kurtz, and they call him. Oh, Juice Grape, this is, yeah. Yeah, you didn't know that. That was his nickname. Yeah, that's wonderful. I can't put it behind me for obvious reasons. I'm surprised that he even made it on stream. I didn't make it. Neither did I. I didn't even made it on stream. I didn't make it.

Neither did I. I didn't even buy it. Well, wait, was it marked down? Was this once? It was 10 bucks and it was on sale. Oh wow, okay. And the fact that it was the only thing we bought, the lady was like,

oh, did you find everything you were looking for? You're selling it, bitch. That's what I said. I was like, well, if I'm not supposed to buy it, why is it for sale? And why is it being discounted, too? Clearly you needed to move it. Clearly you wanted it to be sold. If not me, then who? You know? Who's doing the rapes?

Becoming a personality, I guess. Hey, Dick. It's the 21-year-old plumber. You can call me Steve. I just got out of school, dumped my girlfriend, and I've been doing pretty well. However, I want to expand somewhere outside of trade. Outside of trade? Wow, OK. Like shipping, probably, and exports. Stick to trade.

Do more trade. More trade. Hire guys under you. That's what you do. Be one of those guys that everyone hates because you have a giant house in your 30s. Be the guy who sits in the work truck with the AC on all day.

Yeah. Drive from site to site. Do check-ins. That's cool. Have a pair of Arnets or Oakley, asinine sunglasses. You gotta have the metal clipboard with snacks in it. You know.

Mm-hmm. Not shit to do. Lately, I've been getting this itch that I haven't felt since high school. Whoa. Uh-oh. Back in grade 10, I used to host live streams on Instagram. Just talking about whatever was going on around me, I really enjoyed it, and I'd get a decent number of people tuning in to watch me for about an hour or so. But one time, during the whole kill all men saga,

what the fuck is that? Not sure if you remember that. No. Kill all men? I mean, I don't remember that being a saga. Yeah. I went live and called out a bunch of girls for blaming men. I was making jokes about the situation

and playing a bit of a character. It was my highest ever viewer count, and my heart was racing. Then about a week later, I got posted on TikTok with 2 million views. Doxed by someone I thought was my friend. That will happen. million views. Doxed by someone I thought was my friend. That will happen.

Where's Maddox in all this? That's right. You see how they like rise up and then I put them down and then they rise up just like no wonder Sean left. Sean left and all this shit popped up like a hydra in its wake. I have to protect my family while I'm doing this. He did it because he thought it would impress a girl. After that I got harassed all over my social media and honestly I loved it. Oh wow. Lately, was he a plumber? Did he say? Yeah, plumber. Well the world needs plumbers. Doesn't really need assholes online. Lately, I've been getting more active on social media again,

and that feeling has come back. I feel like I'd really enjoy doing something like that again. The problem is, when I think of Canadian shows, the only people who come to mind are someone like Crowder or that loser Gavin McInnis, and I don't want to go down that road. I mean, you kind of have to. Like, I'm in a miracle position where

I don't have to say retarded shit like like I don't have to talk about trans shit all day and pretend that there's like I don't know that the pedophile menace is looming or talk about racism stuff. If you want to if you want to make money online you have to you have to go, you have to be hyper-partisan and say like the dumbest shit to the most people that you can. You have to explain concepts, no matter how interesting they are,

until they are so simplistic and dumb. And this isn't even a judgment of people, it's just what it takes. In order to have millions of followers, you have to be like Tim Poole, like, double war, double war, double war. That's what you need to do. You need a beanie. You need a beanie. Maybe you can do it.

That never comes off. Or just take the plumber angle too. Just like start a channel about like, oh you fucking plumbers don't know shit, I'm the best plumber. Like just fucking, if you like playingbers don't know shit I'm the best plumber like just fucking if you like playing a character just like be the best plumber exactly Yeah, because then it's something you're already good at and presumably and already know enough about yeah Like if you make enough plumber jokes and shit like that then you can educate people along the way So then you have all these dumbass people going wait a second I now I can fix my toilet and blah blah blah and then if they have something big happen then they can give you a call

well are you the good advice guy is that your thing maybe you maybe that's great advice I can't ever come on the best plumber in the world all these other plum plumbers are shit just show off what a great plumber you are but then yeah talk shit on it but then say I'm just a plumber yeah you know I'm not a I'm not one of these thinkers what do I know I'm just a plumber. Yeah. You know, I'm not one of these......thinkers. What do I know? I'm just the greatest plumber. Just the world's greatest plumber. Trying to make a living, and then you can still be a plumber.

Then you get more plumbing jobs! Be the plumber of the stars, or something like that. Be the voice of reason plumber. Have a shtick, and the shtick is you are a plumber who has a job being a plumber. Mm-hmm. And actually have a job being a plumber. Right. Everyone wants to see that.

Yes. Usually when you see the plumber, you go, oh, this fucking asshole's here. He's just going to be fat and stick up the place and have to do five Home Depot runs. Everybody likes hearing about other people doing a bad job. And why. Look at this plumber fucked up.

I will watch that. If somebody's going through a house and saying how it's fucked up, I'll like, oh, yeah. Because then I'll watch it and be like, see? Now I'm so smart. Then I'll go fuck something up, and then I'll have to give them a call. Simple as that.

Who is this shit? Oh, yeah. And if you do start that, send me an email, like. Oh, yeah. Because I would watch the shit out of that. Yeah, I would watch the shit out of that. Am I being stupid? Should I stick with the trades? Yes. Do both. watch the shit out of that. Yeah, I would watch the shit out of that. Am I being stupid? Should I stick with the trades?

Yes. Do both. Do both. Combine them. Just take your interests and take your trade and you just combine them. And yes, I used AI to rewrite this. It was perfect.

Yeah, that was the best email we got. Cool. Go fuck yourself, Dick, and strokes for Johnny. Oh, this guy's cool. Be the plumber guy. Be the plumber guy, man. You got so much potential, why not? You're cleaning out the pipes during the day

and you're cleaning out the pipes of America at night. Cleaning up everyone's act, you know? And then you could say all kinds of shit about women. They take the biggest shits. I remember this, I went into this house because this fat woman shit so much that she broke her toilet left, walked out the door. Yeah.

I extracted it and left behind dog tags. I had to go because the city condemned, the city wouldn't give this woman a toilet because she said it was cruel and unusual punishment to the toilet. Had a garbage disposal at the bottom of the line. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. My H1B red pill. Hey, Dick, don't read my name. If this email is too long and gay, you can skip it, but a fellow software engineer, I have to vent my homicidal rage somewhere. A few years back, I was working as a software engineer

at an East European branch of Silicon Valley tech company. We had always been kind of a buffer zone between the US tech companies and the Indian Chinese cheap labor because despite not being as cheap as our Indo-Chinese counterparts, we at least had the concept of shit has to work before we deliver it. Yeah, Eastern Europeans do understand that. They won't do it, but they understand it. They know you can't reach them. They know you can't get there.

An Eastern European programmer will never go, oh no, we can easily do that. They'll go, oh. They'll make you get all the way to it, and then they'll go like, yeah. In 2016, my time came for a team visit to a company HQ in San Francisco Bay Area and finally meet the Chinese guys we've been working with these past few years. Oh boy we were in for a treat. We soon found out that the outside of the very few US native managers and engineers working there everyone else in the company where H1B hires from China. Our company was forced

up to six grown ass people to share bunk beds across rental houses in San Diego. Oh wow. It was forcing up to three, up to six grown people to share bunk beds. If any of them complained, they'd get instantly fired and sent back to China. Their salaries were peanuts and they had to work 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Yeah, yeah, that's the whole scam. Finally, on our last day there, we had an after work dinner event at a restaurant. Around eight p.m., we were all done.

The U.S. guys and us were talking about hitting some bars. As we were discussing this, we saw the Chinese H-1Bs hastily packing their shit up to leave. We asked one of them why they were packing They said their manager told them that the dinner didn't count as work time and that they still had four hours left on the clock So they were going back to the office Fuck It's crazy

man, man if Bernie or one of these dumb motherfuckers can like remember to just Do something that white men would might enjoy? It's nice. It would help other races too. But white men will enjoy it and that's really it's a sticking point for they gotta run. They're gonna like this is gonna be great for black guys are gonna love this Mexican guys are gonna love this and they're like what about white guys? White guys gonna love it too. No. Then we can't do that. Straight to the bin. What if we cut the kids' dicks off? Well, black people are gonna hate,

black guys are gonna hate that. What about white guys? They're gonna hate it. Let's do it. That's Democrats. Fucking one way street, man. The whole experience was eye opening for us. While before we were hoping that maybe one day

we'd get the chance to work for a US tech company in the Valley and get shit done, we now realize that in our 10 day trip that the game was rigged. We got back to our Eastern European shithole. We tried to tell our coworkers about what we saw, but we got dismissed as being salty and racist. This was in 2016.

This last year, all of the Eastern European offices got outsourced to India and almost everyone got laid off So I guess the joke is on them for not listening go fuck yourself dick hugs for Johnny. Yeah, it's um That's the entire Industry, that's why nothing works and nothing's been innovated on for Ten years that's why blockchain is it's like it's entirely owned thing that has to rebuild the entire internet from scratch Not cuz the old not cuz the old internet Couldn't work with it. It's just it's entirely own thing that has to rebuild the entire internet from scratch not because the old not cuz the old internet Couldn't work with it. It's just manned by

People who are totally incompetent Everyone who knew how it all worked is dead. Yeah, they're dead and we're like well I'm just gonna make like fart coin and stuff to To make money. Yeah, yeah, you did. I got a prepared to not get raped in my ass from these guys who got raped in the ass. Hey, someone's getting fucked tonight, you know? Uhhhh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, let's do... What time is it?

1.47! You know what that means, Johnny. Oh my god. Fat watch, today in fat news. Let's do it. It's like my ringtone. It's like my alarm in the morning, like, oh, yes. A good day to wake up.

OK, crowd surfing, that should be good. That's something that fat woman shouldn't do. Crowd wailing. Oh, no. The new lead singer. Oh, I saw a little something about this. You did? Well, it was a music thing.

So I, you know. The new lead singer of Soundgarden is a BBW. Oh, she is? Didn't Soundgarden sing Black Hole Sun? Is that what they're, is this what they were singing about? They were just saying Black Donut Hole Sun. Black Hole Sun is down. Black Hawk Down, alright, let's see.

It said Black Ho Son in the- Black Ho Son, okay. So this- I knew I was too heavy for you motherfuckers. You're okay. I knew I was too heavy for you motherfuckers. Okay, so this is the the new lead singer of sound garden Oh, she's a bit of a yeah, she's a chunky black lady

Taking everything in me not to say sound plantation, but you know You've had enough of that you need some more in you All right, she's trying to hype the crowd up to catch her, I guess. They do not look interested in catching. They're like, please don't jump. They're blinking it like the POW in Vietnam. Please don't jump.

Now she's gearing up to jump and she's somehow gotten bigger. She turned around and prepared to... She's gigantamaxing right now. Like Pikachu. Yeah. She's getting bigger and bigger. She's absorbing energy everybody. She's pulling energy, everybody.

She's pulling in the darkness from around. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha around her and then she dives and is not caught by anyone and not even making an attempt. This poor Chinese lady is looking going, what the hell was that? She still, legend has it, she's still falling through the earth. Like the lightsaber? Yeah. AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAaaaaAaaaaAaaaaaaaaAaaaaA AaaaaaaaaaaaaA AaaaaaaaaaaaaA AaaaaaaaaA AaaaaA AaaaaA A A A A A A Like Gandalf, Gandalf the Black No, hell no! Oh hell no! Oh hell no!

Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Oh hell no!

Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Oh, don't move her. She could have a broken braid or some broken dread. You don't want to disturb her. She's hugging that that poor skinny man because he's the only one that tried to sacrifice himself to save her. Yeah Sacrificed himself to save her Yeah, she meant you all of earth The royal you well, that's like when someone says something down there like well, I was just rolling it's like well No, just nobody liked it. You knew you, there's a lot of that. Fat bitch falls on nothing. Okay, let's check this out from Jim Bob.

Thank you, Jim Bob. You also gotta click the other one too, that one looked good. Oh, we watched that one, right? Oh yeah, we did. We did. Okay. This Mr. Scurvy says this would take a normal person four days to eat. ["Squid Game Show Theme"] This is everything I ate at Longhorn as a plus-size girly... Uh, okay.

You misspelled grill. Everything I ate as a plus-size grill. And then it's a talking grill with big googly eyes. Hey everybody, I'm Grilly the Grill. I'm here at Longforn's. Fucking Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Yeah, trying to out eat this bitch. Of course it's Yoshi music.

Yeah. Raspberry lemonade, off to a bad start. Bread. A whole loaf of bread. I don't think't that not will just one. No you did not right? Yeah, Buffalo sauce in a ramekin Spicy chicken bites? Spicy chicken handfuls? Come on down to Outback, you can get our spicy chicken handfuls. We know how you like them. Just shovel them on in. Oh, you were right, more bread. More bread, yeah. An entire rack of ribs?

A whole longhorn, holy shit. Jesus Christ, with mashed potatoes? With loaded mashed potatoes. Is she taking mid shits? Is she taking shits halfway between? They're all just stuck in there like fucking John Wayne and Elvis, man. You could go like, spelunking down the... I think she ate Elvis, actually.

Oh, this was a good level. This is. What? Staked rice! Dude, what? What? No way! Look at all that melted butter, too.

Oh, gross! What no way look at all that melted butter too. Oh Gross Chocolate chocolate wonder aftermath is the chocolate Goddamn, that's a lot of ice cream. Was that a thumb? Did she just do a thumbs up? Phew. Like a hoof. That thumbnail looks so small

in comparison to the rest of the thumbnail. Thumbnails don't growl. Yeah. Holy shit. Cheesecake with pecans? After a molten lava cake? This is... Alright, bitch, you're done for this world. You do not have long for this world, honey.

Falling? Shit, like three regular food, three things that were almost food and then like pure sugar. Pure sugar. Jesus Christ. She had sugar delivery mechanisms, like pecans. How much do you wanna bet she picked up something

from the drive-through on the way home too? Yeah, all right, this is, oh this is from Jim Bob. This is falling backwards while running forwards is crazy. Okay, there's some sort of a track meet. Well, that's peculiar. Usually we don't see Fat Watch at a track meet. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, oh my goodness, where did this thing come from?

Whoa. Okay, she's in three lanes running down the track That's usually a disqualification, but they really need to make these lanes bigger mm-hmm Wow she is pounding You see on the track prints down the track Oh sizzling She's charging like bald bull. Down the whole track. That's not gonna last long. I've seen fat women run like this.

I'm surprised she got up to speed. She must've had like a mile head start to bring that up. She had a big rubber band that launched her. Rubber banding and And how far how much further you think she's gonna get Mmm speed wobbles are already setting in I think ten yards and yards. Let's see Oh Well what the fuck happened there goes what happened 300 pounds what could have possibly happened both ACLs gone

Knees blown fucking meniscus is just shredded. Yeah. Goodbye. Oh God Screaming like 9-eleven just happened 911 pounds just happened fucking both of those trunks fell Jesus All right, do I have any more What they don't show is like the three hours it took to get her into like a correct sized ambulance. They had to send another one. Caterpillar dump truck shows up. Get the jaws of life out for this. Car max fucking rollback truck picking her ass up. Alpha, let's see what you've got to say. Oh no. Oh this woman that they call Gorlock, I think it's a man.

Again, I'm not saying they're all mentally ill, but this one certainly is. It's a man dressed like a woman, and she's celebrating 500 pounds. Oh. Hitting 500 pounds. Is the next one a tombstone? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Oh, I got you. You got it? All right.

She's dancing erotically with her cake. She's already eating the candles you can see. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. This is horrendous. If I was a woman, I would be very upset by this. I have to tell you that. If I was a woman minding my own business, going to the vagina doctor, whatever they're doing during the day, and I fire up Twitter and see this shit, I'd be very upset. Just setting everyone back, you know?

You know what? I'm fucking pissed. God damn it, I'm not taking this shit anymore. I'll be god damned if I have this fucker dancing around with a cake and a dress and wearing lipstick. You know what I mean? Look at me, I'm a woman, look at me.

I will be god damned if I'm gonna sit here and tolerate this shit for one more day. Is your shotgun loading in the distance? You're done, Gorlock. Yeah. You're done. Get out of here, Gorlock. Uh...

Did I misspell garlic wrong? Hahahaha! The name's garlic! Gorlock! I see Gorlock floating around, coming, squeezing under the transom every once in a while. Orbiting around. Yeah, orbiting around, exactly. Getting caught. Oh, discriminated while traveling.

Is this another fat bitch flying in a plane? Oh, no, OK, it's not a plane. It's a boat that fat women are being discriminated. Oh. Ha ha ha. What's the least dis- I guess. Yeah, I suppose a boat could be a discriminatory. A barge might be what they call it for you. Yeah, I suppose a boat could be a discriminatory.

A barge might be what they call it for you. Probably the least, one of the least modes, a horse, very discriminatory. You break the horse's back. Camels, yeah. Camels, yeah, yeah, because you've got to squeeze in there. Camels are fucking awesome. The chocolate straw that broke the camel's back, yeah. Planes, very discriminatory.

Trains less so. Car is pretty discriminatory, I would probably say. Trains less so until you start counting the number of diesel engines it takes to push. Right, right, so yeah, right. That's a lot of coal going on. Space shuttle, probably extremely discriminatory. We're gonna have a big problem getting into space.

Yeah, oh. What do you mean the rocket's the size of a Costco? You, physics, you scientifically can't be lifted off the ground, because you're too fat. We can't make enough rocket fuel to lift, okay, let's see. It's one of those sick math word problems, like if this bitch is 600 pounds, and there's 20 of them, how much thrust do you need to generate?

You fucked up, true or false? From Annette with love says, I've been trying to find unique ways to share some of the behind the scenes struggles ideal. Fatphobia is the number one thing that makes hosting FG trips? Whoa. What kind of trips are these? Whoa, last time that got said on the show was, oh man. What kind of trips are these?

Whoa, last time that got said on the show was, oh man. What kind of trips are these? FGT trips. Sorry, that page's unavailable, I hope so. I don't want any FGT trips. What would you do in this situation? Oh, I would lose 30 pounds immediately that day. And then I would lose more.

I felt discriminated against. Okay, so she's on a boat in like Thailand or some shit floating around. Let's see. And during travel, I recently hosted 13 plus sized travelers in Thailand and unfortunately during our trip in Thailand we were discriminated against. As a fat black woman that's traveled extensively through Southeast Asia and Thailand specifically, I was able to give my travelers... All around the buffet. She's like, I'm an experienced traveler. I've traveled 10,000

miles. Was it around the buffet at soup plantation? Just that many laps. Yeah, back and forth. Was it back and forth to the ice cream machine at home buffet and then back to your seat? Yes. Well, do you have a problem with travelers? The heads up that they were more than likely going to experience some fat phobia during our trip. What I wasn't expecting was that the company that we hired to give us a tour through Bangkok's floating market would be the source of the fat phobic comments.

Bangkok's floating market is a historical and cultural site that I was super excited to destroy. He's like, damn, this boat hasn't creaked as much ever. Look at the, there's no one, did she get her own boat? Cause they couldn't fit more. We gotta think of like, We don't have enough boats for you. It can only go so low before the water starts coming in.

Yeah, they're violating Archimedes law or whatever it is. They're like, ah, we don't know about all that. We don't have any boats with wheels. You're on the bottom already. I did for my travelers to experience, which is one of the reasons why it was a highlight as I built the itinerary. My travelers were super excited.

Oh, look at all the bananas that going in. They're grabbing at the banana. She qualifies herself as a fat black woman and then there's a boat full of bananas. She goes and goes through bananas and says I'm not allowed to go on a tour. Come on! Come on!

At least it wasn't a boat full of grapes. I did to visit the floating market, but I could feel the mood shift as soon as we started to get on the boats. I mean- You could, no, that was the planet shifting. She thought it was a Boston market, not a floating market. Obviously a little bit of a translation error. Oh hell no! Oh hell no! Who ordered the gravy? Oh hell no!

Not a single cup of mac and cheese to be seen. The mood shifted when we started to get on the boat. Because you fucking 600 pounds bitch, what are you talking about? The tide shifted. No you have to wait for moon to come out to get on the boat. When the moon come out then it's safe for you. We need the ocean to rise in the other side of the planet. We need more global warming.

Alright. All of the companies that I work with are aware that my clients and I are all plus-size travelers So that hopefully that can minimize the shock and awe when we arrive Bitch, there's plus size and then there's you Yeah You know Plus size no longer is accurate. It's plus super plus mega plus, mega plus, fucking boat busting size. That's what you are plus hyphen boat busters.

What's, it's not plus size, it's what method of conveyance can you, is the minimum that you can ride, and boat is not included. Being a walking ecological disaster. Size. Yeah. I told them we were plus size. They'd have to blow her up if anything happened. You're like that whale on the shore.

It must be their mistake then. They clearly screwed up. You said that you indicated that you're plus size and they said, our boats are, can't, you can't even put your thigh, a leg on them because you're so fucking- You couldn't even put a roast turkey leg on them. We couldn't even bring you your lunch on these boats.

And then you said, oh hell no, and it's their fault. They need a separate boat just for her lunch. Yeah, they really should have a whole fleet of boats for you pigs. After the tour, I checked in with all of my clients and unfortunately one of them was called some disturbing names in English by one of the boats. In response, we declined to give a tip and contacted the management of that boat company.

I've also decided not to bring my clients back to the floating market. What would you do if this happened to you? Where? Who did this? Who did? Who's the boat company? I have to, I have to write them a glowing thank you. Give them five stars on. Five star. Look, buddy. Ah, yelp, yeah. Thank you so much.

What did you call them? What were they called? Yeah, now I'm curious. It was so offensive that she was, won't bring her business back, but not inoffensive enough to let, or like. Get them review bombed. She wanted to say, like, she was,

she had to put it out there that she caught a loss. Yeah, yeah, but she won't give us the goods. She was like, hey, sorry, I just had a Chipotle burrito that went right through me, but. That fucker was trying to jinx my Pokemon day. I can't believe that shit still. And you know what, when he said it, when he said that I just took a big shit,

I was like, first I was like, you fucking asshole. Yeah, this is a normal interaction that I have with people. My first real thought was I knew, I knew it was a good idea not to bring my Pokemon cards in here. They were sitting safe in my car. I thought, should I take them out of the car? What if someone, what if a burglar breaks into my car?

But I don't, it's more, it's too much, it's too dangerous to bring them out of the car into the FedEx. that's more dangerous. So I left them in there, they would've got shit particles all over them. That guy's fucking Chipotle shit particles. That's just so upsetting, like why, who's volunteering this info?

Why would anyone need to know that? How many times have you told your coworker, do you tell him every day that you take his shit? I had one of my underlings, one of my runners actually, I sent him on a run one time, and he shit himself in Friday traffic, and I thought it was on the way back from the run, but he shit himself on the way to the run.

Come back from downtown LA with a sweater full of shit, parked by the dumpster. When did he go home? Well, he lived around the corner. And I was like, why on earth would you text me and tell me that you shit your pants? You shit your car. You didn't shit your pants.

You shit your car. He shit his car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he goes down, picks up this microphone, this whole anyway. He comes back. And I would have figured, you know, again, you and I drink. You know how it goes. Yeah, I know how it goes. So I'm like, if you live around the block, why don't you,

I'm like, it's Friday, traffic in LA. I sent you out, you could have just went home, showered up seven times, came back, and I would have been like, dude, sorry, traffic was so bad. Yeah, yeah. But instead you told me. Right away. Hey man, I shit my car, that's cool.

Oh wait, you went down to the place and back and so then when he pulled back up He picked up with shit in his pants? Yeah, he picked up the mic even better So the first time I sent him down to do this he had to go pick up a hard drive and a mic. Okay He comes back with the hard drive. Okay fine goes. That's great. Yeah, where's the mic and I go You know what? Let me check in with the runner real quick and I come back and I'm like, hey man Where the fuck is that microphone? Yeah, newing I knowing I full well. I thought that yeah know what, let me check in with the runner real quick. And I come back and I'm like, hey man, where the fuck is that microphone? Yeah. Knowing I, knowing I full well I fucked up.

No, he's not. Yeah. And he goes, oh shit, I gotta grab it. I was like, cool. Handle that real quick. Like, we're in the middle of doing something right now, no big deal. So then I get the fateful text, right? So I'm thinking at this point, oh cool, he's on his way back.

Ah, he just like, let one rip. No, no, no, no, no. Full on shit his car so hard that when he pulled up to this other studio to go grab this mic, that he pulled up by the dumpster outside, called the receptionist to bring the mic to the car. So like, now I'm sitting there like, wait a second. You're telling me this girl who you said

was a cute receptionist, you led her out into a dark alley alley To come by the dumpster and we rolled your window down So now it smells like human shit and a dumpster. So then he comes back to the studio With the mic and he goes hey, dude, could you meet me by the dumpster? Not once did you think to just Dumpster trick fucking twice? Not once did you think to just not... Not tell anybody this?

He's like, oh man, I messed up at work. I gotta drive down, down, down real fast. Oh shit, I'm shitting myself. And so literally... I gotta figure out how to get the mic without going in there. Yeah, he had that exact thought. And then he proceeds to park by the dumpster. And I go, OK, fine.

So I start walking out. And I knock on his window. And the second the seal cracks, he's going to look. Oh, no. I just look away. I'm like, dog. Oh, gross. I'm like, just give me that fucking mic.

I got to get the fuck out of here. He came back like two hours later. He's like, hey, dude, I'm all clean now. I'm like. Yeah, no, you're not. I'm like, no, you need another shower. You stay home the rest of the day. Also, I'm not telling the client that there's

shit all over their fucking mic now. Disgusting. But yeah, sometimes I think, even in my worst day, on any job or anything, it's never included me sitting in three hours of my own shit. Yeah. For 10 bucks an hour. Yeah.

Okay, everybody, it's the Dick Show, Patreon.com. Patreon.com slash the Dick Show. What was Ralph talking about for money? He's rambling about that Patreon too. Like what do you... He just, man, it was because it's your fault. Yeah, it's my fault. So it must be because of the money. Well, it's because it's your fault. That's what it comes down to. Yeah, no, it's my fault. So it must be because of the money. Mm-hmm.

Ah. It's been the Dick and Now Shit Show. Ah. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show. See you next Tuesday. This is Song of Peace.

The hard men working hard are back. They've come back with a banger called The Song of Peace. I like it already. Yes. called the song of peace. I get it. I hate sand, it gets everywhere, so I wonder why I wanna die and take you with me there Downs, lands, to Johanna where the devil's purple hair and tell me I've been very naughty Now don't do that shit again, but I just can't stop Want me something really long and it's really too much fun on a rally round of town That's a real cool plot, come and bring it all to us, you can show us how it's done

Here's a trophy, here's a gun I'm just a humble dirt merchant I would never ever heard of flywabi You know I don't deserve it Look at the little baby cry Look at the baby cry, look at the baby cry They took away his peanuts, they took away for life Look at the baby cry, look at the baby cry

They took away his peanuts cry they took away his penis they took away his life very peaceful song oh it's the Mecha-Bots! I would never ever hear the fly whine me You know I don't deserve it My baby girl was born with no eyes The baby got his mind, the baby got his mind They took away his robots, they took away his rhyme The baby got his mind, the baby got his mind

He told them fuck the optics, he'll take them for a ride He'll take them for a ride, he'll take it for a ride, he'll take it for a ride, he'll take it for a ride. Another banger from a hard man working hard, man. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

Hard men working hard, patreon.com, what are they? Probably hard men Working Hard. Let me be sure. Patreon, Hardmen Working Hard. Yeah, HW, HMWH. Go listen to their whole playlist. All right,, goodbye everybody. Uh, we didn't do the intro, did we? Oh, shit.

Okay, um, okay, thanks for listening. Oh no! Fucking Ralph Wars! The Ralph Wars messing me up! Burned up this dream deck and it's gone. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee You want to give me your Q of you can get it The Sherwin's Contest came to you live from Mountain Barking, deep in the heart of the city of Hilly, where I host Dick Madsherson, aka the 20 million dollar man.

Joining me is always Johnny the Audio Engineer. Thanks for having me. Alright, goodbye everyone!