The Dick Show - Episode 447 - Dick on Size-Inclusive Cars

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

I am robbed at trivia again, a woman flies a helicopter into a plane, a Nigerian scammer was running the US Treasury, a fat woman sues Lyft because she can't fit in the car, Canada goes on strike, and the Zen of scraping car rims; all that and more on this episode of The Dick Show!

I think that's pretty cool. Are you getting slimmer? Or did I slim your side? Has your side of the screen always been this slim? Or is it just you? It's me. You have a slimming effect? Well, for every pound Vito gains, I lose one.

Oh wow, you better be careful. I know. He's fighting the war with Ozempic right now. He's winning the war against Ozempic. He might be the one to keep all his teeth after all this. He's gonna be patient zero. He's gonna have his teeth, his teeth are gonna fall out and we won't have lost any weight. Um, I Thought of I thought of the name that I was searching for remember the bonus episode

I wanted to fix the elevator problem with fat women correct because I was at the ultrasound place the baby store and a great big fat woman Got into the elevator with my wife and I, my pregnant wife and I, and another man and put us all in mortal danger. Right. Because of the density of the woman, just so big she oozed into all the spaces and cracks. And I said, something must be done about this.

Maybe Pete Buttigieg, maybe the new transportation secretary can come in and make some sort of an edict banning, putting a limit on buffaloes in the elevators, women, large women in elevators. And then it came to me in a dream, I woke up out of a dream and I said, I got it. We'll call them, we're gonna put a plaque on every elevator

that says family size elevator so that every fat woman in America will know that it's only meant for one one person one of her. Yeah What do you she'll be walking up with her family-sized Stanley Cup? Her family-sized bag of Doritos family cup her family cup I Like it and she'll see family-sized elevator and she'll see one other person in there and go. Oh hell no, right? Oh hell no You know, it's gonna happen. You can't be in there child. That's a only oh, she'll see two people in well

That's too many. That's one too many people for the family-sized elevator It's a great great era to be in the freight elevator construction company. Oh, yeah They're gonna have to retrofit all the They're gonna have to retrofit all the elevators for all the Ozimpic warriors out there. Absolutely. That's what I'm saying. Invest now. Invest now? Forget Bitcoin. Retrofitting America is gonna be the next big fucking construction site. Build back bigger.

Yes. Not better. Alright. Yeah. Family size. I like it. Family size elevators. Here you have some wonderful show and tell items for us today and you're regarding fat women. Boy do I. Ha ha ha. Double check the audio for him.

Yeah. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee To start off with a contest, give me a laugh from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of Fialj. I'm your host, Dick Basterstod, a.k.a. the 20 million AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww last night with your preview. So Johnny's Corner this time is, oh, it's a special one. It's gonna be great. It's a special one. Here's, let's kick off, let's kick off Africa February correctly, properly by celebrating Black History Month. This just came across my desk this morning. This is, Halo celebrates, I don't, is it Black History Month here or is it Lion King History Month? What exactly is this that I'm looking at? It's Master Chief- is that his name?

From Halo? The main guy with the helmet from Halo? Master Chief? Master Chief in this case? Yeah, that's- yeah. He's been- he's been somehow, uh, his color scheme has been upgraded so that no more Africa could be crammed in to the frame of Halo celebrating black history by going full Lion King. Is this what appeals to black excellence? We're gonna Lion King the shit out of it. Well it's just proof that in the Halo universe even there is black oppression. If they need to celebrate I see see if

Master Chief it's if it's got all the way out to where we're in space and having all these battles are there space is there a South in space yeah is there an Africa in space apparently um guys this was this schedule was this tweet scheduled before Trump won and then they forgot about it and it posted because we're not doing this shit anymore. We're definitely not doing Lion King Halo. Right. Maybe Black Halo, maybe the guy takes his hat off, helmet off and it's a black guy under there. Maybe that's appropriate, but

having a little Cortana, the little Cortana pop out and she looks like Aunt Jemima, that's not celebrating Black History. I have bad news for you. See, I'm celebrating Black History Month by starting a Twitch channel where I speed run Mavis Beacon teaches typing. Was she black? Yeah! How come they don't- how come I've never known that? That's what I'm saying! Why do I know a bunch of fake things that black people did not invent, like the hologram or something?

Right. That was a great ass game! It was. A lot of kids learned how to type from that. We all learned how to type from a black lady. If you're a certain age, you learn how to type from a black lady. God, and I never, nobody thanks her ever. So sign up today, speed running it, let me know.

Every version. Is there not, did they stop and think, man, we've done enough here. Cause there's more black shit they could cram in. Like they could give one of these guys a blunt. They could give the guy a basketball in the front. Or would that be wrong? Would that be too much? If Massachif had a basketball in the lineup?

As long as he's hit a microphone and a focus right in her face, he'd be fine. Cortana pops up in this one, the hologram, and she's gained 80 pounds. Is that how they're celebrating now? And she has her Cash App on her display at all times when she pops up. Not one of the sophisticated ones. Cash App. What is this?

It's cash app. What is this? It's Lion King History Month. You know, this is, it's not supposed to be like this, guys! This isn't- you guys don't need to ring in Black History Month by photoshopping the Lion King on top of Halo! Halo February Edition. Halo February Edition, welcome. Mm-hmm. Take that, Valentine. Just totally. Oh, man. I got done dirty this week. Let me tell you about The dirty that was done to me this week. Tell me you know bar trivia. I hate it

I saw your tweet about that and I almost responded with remember that time We almost lost well, we lost that one time and Randy had to go up and yeah some Randy magic about it. Oh see Randy should have worked as man Randy probably could have talked us out of this one, but it was the last, it was sudden death, final round, points are tied. You know, bar trivia, which I despise because it's just like thinking and stressing out about knowledge that is useless.

It's like trying to excel at uselessness and feeling bad that you are not excelling at uselessness. And it harms, it hurts the drinking. It does. You can't socialize. Well, you can't think either. You can't think either. It started badly. I got yelled at by a big fat bartender, woman, obviously. Obviously. Keon knocked a drink over because he was so, he was thinking so hard about what countries are in the Mediterranean Sea or something and he elbows a drink and knocks it over and I snap into action, you know, having to, having spilled many or having witnessed

the spilling of many a drink and never won myself. I spring into action and I grab a towel, a rag on the opposite side of the bar as I'm running back this fat bartender moves faster than I've ever seen, faster than I've ever seen her move for a drink, grabs the other side of the towel. She goes, sir, sir. I'm like, oh, yeah, I've had exactly the right number of drinks to be very annoyed by this. I said, what do you want? She goes, that's a, that's a bar towel. Yeah, no kidding. I didn't bring a bar. No one brought a towel from home here uh Lizzo, you know

Yeah, this guy spilled a drink over here. I gotta clean it up She goes well that towel is only for glassware and I said hey First what do you mean? It's only for glassware. I'm taking it to like there's phones and stuff out here There's like important documents getting spilled and leaked on i'm i'm doing something here Just give just give it to me. She goes. goes, I see what's happening out there, sir. I'll be right out. Just let me handle it. Which is probably the last thing that the guy thought

in that helicopter before a woman drove it straight into the passenger jet. Just remember, please don't help. You helped. Don't help. So I was like, all right, fine. So she came out in a little bit and helped clean it up. But then we get down to the last final question. We're tied, points are tied.

For us, first place, which we never get. It's a twice a year thing now. I can't do more than, it's too stressful. It's too stressful and it's always disappointing for me. Because I know I'm better than all these people and the points aren't reflecting it, you know? It's one of those instances. It's just a death march.

So it gets down to the final question and they blew up an African city in Halo 2? Well, that's not very black history of them. It gets down to the final question and the guy goes, Quizmaster who, I don't know why, just the guy always annoys me. He's always asking invasive questions. Like, what's your name?

Can I get a picture of you? No, no, no, no. And he goes, okay, final question is, the Slanket came out before the Snuggie. The Snuggie was a popular one, but in the Slanket beat it to market. Even though the Slanket beat it to market. Even though the Slanket beat it to market, what year did it come out?

And everybody at my table goes 2007. So 80's Girl writes down 2007 at the end. And I think this is it. This is my time. I was so pro-Slanket. Like I thought it was the funniest thing to always be about the Slanket. To tell everyone all of my, I made it was the funniest thing to always be about the slanket To have you know tell ever all of my I made it like this. I was like slanket man

I made it a part of my personality because it's so dumb when it came out. I was like, this is the dumbest thing ever I'm gonna make this this is I'm gonna make this thing my thing, right? Right, I would tell people about the slanket. You got to pick up a slanket. I would use the slanket I got a my girlfriend at the time got me a slanket for Christmas or something like that I was all about it because it was the and then that snuggie came out I was like this this is a ripoff the snuggie sucks. Look at the snuggies like stretchy It feels gross. It feels like something leaked on you And you know, it feels like there's a goo on you and you use it slank it is high quality materials

I said, this is no no problem. It was easily before 2007 I'm telling I'm telling my Slanket is high quality material. So I said, this is no problem. It was easily before 2007. I'm telling my, you know, telling 80s girl, it's easily before 2007, it was 2005. So she goes, okay, she changes it. Hand it in. And the guy goes, okay, in the event of a tie, we're gonna have another question.

It was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got this in the bag. These Zoomers don't know about the fucking Slanket. So he goes, he reads it and he goes, and one team got it exactly right. And I'm like, here we go. We got it, we got it. This is number one, this is a number one, baby. I could use one of these going forward, right?

Six months of first. This is gonna get me out of a lot of bar trivia. The itch won't be there, right? For her, that win, I could use that win for a long time. I could milk that win for months and he goes and the answer was 2007 and I my team erupts like out of joy because I didn't tell them that I changed the trivia answer so they're Keon and Randy and all YEAH! We're the winners! YEAH!

Yeah! Everybody, everybody's, the whole bar's going YEAH! And then the other team is also going YEAH! We're the winners! And they go, Randy and Keon, they look at me, they look at each other like

What? Why are these idiots celebrating? We won! We got 2007! And they look at me, they're like, they look at me so they're like, what? Why are these idiots celebrating? We won! We got 2007 and they look at me and I'm like Head in my hand. Oh, no. What did I do, right? I feel like the I just crashed the helicopter into the I feel like I let the woman drive the helicopter, you know Crash it right into the jet plane. I go. Oh, no. I I Look up and 80s girl has her camera out and she's showing me the picture she took of me with my head on the table, you know, bemoaning my destructive choice. It's like, look, this is what you looked like when you said, when you realized

that you, that you screwed everyone over. And I said, okay, thanks. Thanks for getting a picture of that. Don't let her send that to the LA County Art Fair. So then I leave, I'm like, there's no way. There's no way that's true. There's no way that's true. I know I was Mr. Slanket Man. I have a slanket.

I have one, okay? I pretend to be a wizard. I walk around. I brought it to Burning Man. It's great. Put on my wizard slanket and hat, man. So I get in the car. After everyone calls me worthless, you know, you're stupid. Put on my wizard slanket and hat, man. So I get in the car, after everyone calls me worthless,

you know, you're stupid, you always mess everything up, we regret coming out tonight. I said, you know what, all right, whatever, okay, whatever. I get in the car, I look up, slanket, slanket trademark, right? Guess what year the slanket trademark was filed. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, exactly. 2005!

Well, do you get to drive your truck through the bar now? I hope the trivia master is Asian, and it's kind of like on the way to San Gabriel. I really hope he or a loved one's house got caught on fire and they eat in fire. Look at this, tell me if I'm Slanket. You see that? Slanket, trademark details.

December 20th? Filing date. 2005. Oh yeah,ank it, trademark details. December 20th? Filing date. 2015? 2005. Oh yeah, status date, oh yeah. That nobody has ever, nobody in the history of sleeved blankets, and then I start going, wait a minute, you're telling me that everybody believed

this guy that it took until 2007 for someone to put sleeves on a blanket? You're telling me that throughout time, throughout the 90s, throughout throughout mom the majority of the 2000s after 9-eleven after seeing terrorists on the news every day and they're basically blankets with sleeves Nobody thought to put sleeves on a blanket until 2007 wrong false

absolutely false Not only this thing has been around since the 90s. It was trademarked in 2005 as a like I said Like I said cuz I lived it. I lived it They owe you reparations. Shenanigans, they owe me reparations. They owe me, they owe me a halo picture with Speedy Gonzalez Draped all around it for Hispanic Heritage Month. Pinatas. Quizmaster's wearing a koofy this time. He's wearing a dunce cap.

A dunce koofy. He's wearing a dunce. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going next week now. I'm going to take my slanket. Shove it right in his fucking. Shove it right where it says TM, trademark 2005. I'm going to take the whole Slanket, which as I've said is a higher quality

and a thicker, more wool consistency, and I'm gonna wad it up like I'm packing a Sub-Zero sleeping bag, and I'm gonna shove it down his throat. I'm gonna shove my fist with the wads of Slanket down his throat piece by piece until it's coming out of his ass. Like a reverse handkerchief trick.

Yeah, I'm gonna say, hey, you wanna see a magic trick like in that movie, The Dark Knight with the Joker? And then I'm gonna start shoving it. I'm gonna make this Slanket disappear right down his throat and he'll be there going, ah! He'll remember every memory back till 2005. 2005 was the year you piece of shit. I got so robbed. I got so robbed.

You gotta stop going to trivia man. I hate it. That's because even because even the even a competency is was I was just basically laughed laughed laughed. I mean basically I was laughed at by the entire bar. The entire bar, once it got out, once it got out of the immediate vicinity that I had changed the answer, it was over for me. And I was right.

This is the story of my life. Everyone laughing at me, but I, you actually shouldn't let women be in the army flying helicopters as it turns out. Actually, that's a dumb idea. They hated Jesus because he spoke the truth, man. Yeah, it doesn't really matter if I was saying it satirically or whatever. The point was, stop letting little girls fly army helicopters around. Or at least do it way out in the desert, where if they fly into where a plane would have

been, doesn't really matter. And don't be in the helicopter when they're doing it I wouldn't be but you do you okay if you really want to let a little lesbian fly you around in a helicopter go nuts don't do it around a city definitely don't do it around an airport do it way out in the middle of nowhere yeah they gotta put their money where their mouth is though and be in the helicopter too go nuts do, weigh the hell over there, okay? Have a ball. That was the satire of men are better than women.

What'd you mean by that? What'd you mean by, in that book? Well, um... All of it. Yeah, all of it. You know what the point of the book was? It was, if it ever so happens to you in your life, young man, that a woman pioneers the boundaries of womankind by taking an army helicopter and flying it straight into a plane

without deviating or trying to slow down, just know that in your mind, that number one, I was right, just know that you're right for what you're thinking. You don't need to vocalize it or anything, but your first thought, which is why did they let a little girl fly an army helicopter around a crowded airport is the correct thought. Know that you're thinking that a guy was probably going, stop, stop, stop, stop, pull up, pull up, and he was stammering. Know that in your mind, know that in your mind, when a guy escorted the little girl onto the helicopter to fly the army helicopter, in his mind he was thinking, I should probably say, don't crash into a plane,

but I don't wanna put the idea in her head. Cause then she might do it and blame me. All she will hear is crash the plane. Exactly. Crash into a plane. Exactly. And that his struggle is your struggle is my struggle. And we're all dealing with this together. Just that's the satire, okay?

Just take the... Is when you see it happen on the news that a woman got control of an army helicopter and decided to fly it into a plane, which you would think is impossible because they're moving on multiple axes. They shouldn't be even on the same plane except for a brief period, a brief two seconds

as the plane is climbing out of the altitude of helicopters. But in that moment, the altitude of helicopters, but in that moment the woman somehow ran like she'll find when a woman is goes into a parking lot and opens the door of your brand new car and Hits the only parking meter in a 10 mile radius with your door. That is the lesson That's this okay. That's what I'm trying to say so you get it and you have a little bit of a release valve to go I remember that book Well, everyone knows if you let a woman drive your car your rims are coming back scrap And that's just a car. I don't even care anymore. We were going to dinner last night at

At a hundred dollar pizza place. I don't know when pizza became $100, but it is You spent money on pizza? What the fuck? What the fuck is this? Bro, it was good. It was like Mediterranean toppings on pizza. I felt like I was cheating on you, to be honest. I'm sorry. Yeah, what is this, man? At least it was good, though. I'm sorry. It was good. It costs that much to get something close to what I make. Yeah, yeah, it does. It was good, know, girlfriend's driving us there and she's...

You let her drive? Well yeah, because I'm gonna drink. That's the other, look that's the other issue. We're always weighing, you gotta know the woman driver like you know the liquor. And you gotta find, the secret is finding a woman that drives just as bad as you do when you're drunk. You gotta get one of those driver training cars where there's a steering wheel and the brakes on both sides. You can just do a little course correcting here and there. So she parks, and she's parking, and it's like, I'm thinking, you know, a younger me would be nervous about that she's way too close to the curb. She's backing it up. But me, I don't care.

I've shed these sorts of... I know that it's too close, and I'm fully... I'm prepared. I'm prepared for the sound of scrapes. But I am... I have accepted it. When I hear the sound of the scrape, it does not cause me anxiety. I'm not...

I don't feel any tightness in my chest or throat about the sound of the impending scrape. I welcome it. I'm sweating thinking about this, yeah. I'm telling you what growing up is. I welcome the sound of the scraping of plastic on the cement as though it were an old friend. And I, ohm, I see it, I glance in the rear view mirror and I see absolutely no gap between the cement and the tire. I think oh

Totally at peace and then the car stops and there was no scraping and I said and I feel nothing about this as well I don't feel happy. I don't feel relieved. I feel nothing because this is is my new state of... We walk to the restaurant, I look at the menu and I see that grilled cabbage is $20. And I think, nothing of this. And I look down at the beer selection and I see there's no IPAs and I say, Ummm... And the guy comes over and I say, Do you have any IPAs? Even though I know the answer is no.

And he says, You'll really like this Japanese import, Nimbo Hamba. And I said, that sounds tremendous. Oh, and the woman brings me a glass that's obviously too small for the beer. And she begins pouring it straight down onto the bottom of the glass. And I say, and I look at it.

And I look at the foam racing away from the beer as though it's the national debt climbing to, climbing into the, climbing into heaven as the beer goes up by one tiny bit. And I said, I'll do that. And I take the beer from her, tilt the glass and I pour it. And 80s girl says, I can't believe you just took the beer from that girl. And I said, um, here's to our wonderful, healthy baby that's coming into the world. And I salute her and then a couple comes in, they have a little baby next to us

that's screaming the whole time. And I'm welcoming the screaming and crying. And it's actually providing me joy and solace because on the other side of me is a jackass that looks like Frankenstein talking in a loud monotone about his stupid friends and their fantasy football team to a girl he's on a date with that seems to be totally into it. And there's about an inch worth of gap between our tables there, so I hear everything he's

saying as though it's being applied directly to my brain stem in the back of my head. It's one of those voices that I can't tune out like Kermit the Frog on Eleven, you know? I'm like... We eat the hundred dollar pizza and the woman says with the baby says, I'm sorry that our baby was crying so much. And I said, you know, you know what? I actually really liked it because this idiot would not stop talking at a full monotone the entire time. And she gave a look at me that I've seen from every woman I've ever said anything to in my life, which is, are you allowed to say that?

What? Why are you saying that? Are you serious? Are you fucking with me or what? That's what every woman has looked at me every time I say anything for my entire life Are you fucking with me? And the truth is that I am Not for the baby But for the beer for the rims and for the helicopter that you just flew into a passenger jet So the answer is yes, I'm being serious, but I am fucking with you seriously fucking with you. Oh Don't even we went to this aerial show, you know what an aerial show is I do

silks not jets like where women are Women are doing like tricks in the air. I have not been to one of those. Swirling around and shit. How's my swearing doing? Pretty good so far. I'm doing pretty bad so far, but I'm working on it. God's working through me specifically right now.

It's okay. Sorry. You believe what they're doing at the Treasury Department? Elon Musk discovered that the Treasury Department was being run by a Nigerian prince. That guy that's sending all the emails. And I'm not really joking. No, I saw your tweet about it and was like, huh. Huh.

Does he have any airports for sale too? The Treasury Department was being run by a Nigerian scammer? I guess that is the only answer that would have made sense. Makes sense. If you'd given me any other answer, I would have said, nah, there's too much. There's something else there because there's a lot of fraud and waste being done. So there's something else. Keep digging.

This explained it all. It really did. Let me pull up. And his name was Wally or something like that. Uh, yeah, let me pull, let me pull this up. Oh, I'm pulling up the wrong thing. Uh, this is a woman who CNN is running this headline. It says, this is a quote from the woman in the picture.

And she says, sometimes we eat, sometimes we don't. Some families are struggling to eat during these ice raids, right? And the woman is 300 pounds. So my question is when, what is, is she describing chewing? Sometimes we eat, sometimes we don't. Well, she stops eating when she's tired, not when she's full.

She hasn't missed a meal in an hour and a half, okay? For the last 10 years. So I don't know what exactly, I don't know, perhaps including the picture of her alongside the cry of, we're starving, was not a great idea. You could fit about 20 starving Africans in the T-shirt this woman's,

in the muumuu that she's wearing. You could probably make a thousand bottles of perfume out of her too. Look at all that whale water. Mexican women, do they consume more perfume than the whales that are killed make? Are we at a one to one ratio where it takes one whale to perfuminate a Mexican fat woman?

Cause they smell like it. I think it's just a, you take a bottle of Fabuloso and pour it all over yourself. Is that what it is? Like a Fiamian protester. And then you walk out about your day. Man, I hope this is the attack that they're going to be running on us now that Hitler is elected.

I hope they get all the fat Mexican women together to cry and talk about how they're starving. Sometimes we don't eat. Yeah, that's called afternoon. The afternoons. You should not eat. Yeah You should stretch those times out until they become more a majority of the day stretch out the times that you don't eat You know make it make eating a little more meaningful. You know, sometimes we don't eat sometimes we eat sometimes we don't yeah

Okay, put that on a that should be Mexico's Whatever the e pluribus Unum, that's their version. Mexican ladies, sometimes we eat, sometimes we don't, Papi, you got a problem with that? What if she's saying it all fact of matter, she's like, hey, sometimes we eat, sometimes we don't. Sometimes I already got food in my mouth, I don't know.

Sometimes we eat, sometimes we don't. That's called, it's called a meal. It's called being alive, right? We're not currently eating. Yeah. Well, I guess sometimes I'm not eating. OK.

What was I talking about? Something about the Treasury Department? The Ariel show. Oh, that too, yeah. These two girls, they looked like, remarkably, they're not all. You would think that these Arielials girls would be like, trim and muscular and athletic, right?

And some of them are, but wouldn't you believe it that some of them aren't? And I think, how are your shoulders handling this? Like, damn, do you need, do you need all that gut to be whipping around? What's the hell's going on here? Titanium rotator cuffs. Yeah.

Like that's not gonna, your shoulders are not gonna be thanking you in your 40s. These two, I walk in, I go get a drink at the bar and come back and these two women are doing this amazing floor show, right? They're like, they're doing like, they're both working on a ring, you know,

and they're doing like identical movements and they kind of look alike. So it's like, you know, they look like twins. They're doing this very, very erotically charged, you know? And I'm like, whoa, totally, this is incredible, right? This is what, this is what women should be, not flying helicopters into planes. This is what-

Fly around in circles. You could fly in any plane you want like this ladies. And it was done and we're going home. And I was like, oh my God, that I was telling my girlfriend, that performance was amazing. And she goes, oh, quick question real quick. While you were at the bar getting a drink,

they announced that those girls were competing in the 14 year old Olympics for their high school or something like that. So what were you gonna say about that? And I said, nothing. That was a really wonderful performance. And it was very, but I'm thinking, wait a minute. That was, they should have at least put a warning on that. Like, hey, by the way, these girls are 14.

Don't look at this. Look somewhere else. Have a separate room. Have a separate room. Keep this in. Somebody needs to tell these girls that what they're doing is not okay. And this just shouldn't be done. Put a job on these girls. It's like, what is...

They should have announced that at least twice. Like at the end. Your first clue should have been that they weren't whales. Is that what it is? Mm-hmm. Because gymnasts too, they're all tiny, you know? So it's not me, it's not my fault. I didn't do anything.

Yeah. They create gymnast veal, basically. They're like, we need the smallest- How am I supposed to navigate this? How am I supposed to navigate this world while this is happening? I just keep a loaded gun next to me at all times. I should just keep one in my mouth. Yeah, not on stream.

I keep a gun in my mouth all the time. Oh, yeah, great performance. Those girls are 14. Blow my head off. Can you believe that trivia stuff? No, you know what? I can because anytime... Here's what I've learned in life. If you want to do the thing that you're good at doing or enjoy doing, you're gonna do great at it. You specifically. I don't know. Oh, me. Okay. But when you go like, I can go win a trivia thing, surely this thing for a bunch of morons... And I did win it though! But not technically. like, I can go win a trivia thing. Surely this thing for a bunch of morons.

And I did win it though. But not technically. Yeah, yeah. And that's the, it's like you compete in the LA County Art Fair. Yeah, screwed over there too. The only person got DQ'd. It's like, just don't, you gotta-

It's the history of the art world. You gotta stay on in your lane, man. Everyone else hates you apparently. And those quiz masters always, if you look like And those Quizmasters always, if you look like you're having too much fun, they don't want you to win. I think that's true. I think he's working for the team that always wins.

I think he's working for them. Yeah. See, it's bullshit, man. Let me get, let me find this Nigerian in charge of the treasury department. There he is. David Lebrick controlled the computerized payment system responsible for six trillion in treasury payments before he refused to give the Doge team access

to the system. His manager was a Nigerian immigrant, pointed by Biden. You mean we couldn't find any Americans to run the whole treasury department? That's kind of, hmm. We gotta do it. Really? We couldn't find any non-immigrants to run.

Okay. Maybe we throw some immigrants in at certain places, but the very top of the, all the money system, he was assimilated enough to run literally all of it. Look, man, it's just ones and zeros. What more do you need to know? It's just ones and zeros. What more do you need to know? I mean, is there just no sense of like being American at all to these people? There's none.

None. There's not, no, there's no intangibility to home or country, countrymen, any of this stuff. It's just, well, pick anybody up. Ah, get one of these, get a Nigerian guy in here. He can run the treasury for a little bit. Doesn't matter. No one thinks-

He's making infinity money anyway. Yeah, no one stops and thinks like, hey, wait a second, what the fuck? What the heck? Hey, wait a minute. What the? Cause there another guy that you could get besides, what is this guy's name?

Wally. Atta Wally O Addeyemo. What exactly is the qualification for quote unquote running the treasury department? Just scams? They gotta have a good nickname. They found the biggest scammer on earth. They went deep into the heart of Nigeria.

They believed him. He's like, I could run your treasury. They said, he probably sent an email to them. And they're like, you know what? This guy's fucking right. This guy's right. He's onto something. We gotta get this guy in here.

They had a white guy in there and he's like, I'm all scammed out. I can't do any more scams. If you guys are gonna want, if you guys want all this money sent around to all your NGOs that are like funding criminals and stuff and breaking the first amendment, I'm just, I wanna help you guys, but I'm all scammed out.

I can't scam no more. And they said, Biden came in and he said, I got it. I went deep into the Congo or Nigeria is like I found Tony for this one. I found the scammyest scammer that ever lived Oh, I hope all these guys are gonna get hanged or something it all these all these federal guys that are getting fired You know, they're not even doing their jobs. I Never would have guessed they're posting on reddit all. I never would have guessed. They're posting on Reddit all day. They're working two jobs.

Huh. That's the move. That's who's helping out, you know, make sure everything runs efficiently and smooth. Yeah, so they're getting a check from the government and then they're just, then they're working from home and then they're just like getting another job for double the money.

All right. Isn't that wonderful? That's wonderful. And people are gonna say that that's, like the same with the arson stuff, how people say, why would anyone be an arsonist? Like yeah, cause they're evil. That's why, cause they're bad guys. They're gonna say the same thing about this.

Like why did, well, why did they, why would anyone do that? Yeah, cause they're scammers. You know what I mean? God damn fucking looters and polluters, man. What is a looter and a polluter? Exactly. You have to ask Captain Planet that one.

I just think it's so funny. I was watching Tourette's guy recently and he's like, I'm sick and tired of these looters and polluters. Who's Tourette's guy? Remember back in the earlier days of the internet, that fat guy with the blue shirt, the Tony the Tiger shirt. No. He had Tourette's. Oh, maybe.

Yeah, they'd get him drunk and his thing was like, he'd mow in the lawn. He's like, oh, Bob Saget. Yes, I remember that guy. But he said, I was sick and tired of these looters and polluters. And I'm like, man, that's a good. That's it.

Is he still around? I think so. I'm sure his alcoholism probably caught up to him. Mine's catching up to me right now. Yeah, let's see. Doge discovered that payment approval officers at the treasury, I assume they were all Nigerian princes too. He probably had a whole crew of princes, scammers in there

to perpetrate a scam. It's like Ocean's Eleven. Approval officers at the treasury were instructed always to approve payments, even to known fraudulent or terrorist groups. They literally never denied a payment in their entire career, not even once. That makes sense. I understand how we got in this mess now.

Yeah, I got it. That was the only, you know... You found it! you know you found it Elon you found it you beautiful bastard You found you found what was happening? And it was that they had a Nigerian scammer running the Treasury Department Spending all the money that anyone asked him for like in reverse you know, huh? Satisfying in a way it is. Oh So that was God. Yeah. There is good news happening more and more. That's great. Hang him.

Yeah. That would be great. Scam him out of his life. Yeah, scam him. Give him a series of like squid games. And then when he wins, kill him. Yeah. Do that. Do that and you got whatever you want. I'm for it.

Ah. You see Canada's uh... Canada's going on strike? Is that so? Yeah. For what this time? I don't know, but a bunch of Canadians told me today that they helped us 9-11. I don't know what they're talking about. I give exactly... I gave two fucks about 9eleven right after it happened and then not again after that Yeah, I don't

Canada's going on strike because we're tariffing their their stuff I guess all the same all the same people that have Worked together and used their brilliance to destroy the country and the economy are saying that the tariffs are really bad You know so they're like well the tariffs the tariffs aren't going to work there. I'm very inclined to believe them. So we're tariffing Canada. Trump said he's going to tear off Canada and rename hockey to gay football or something and Canada's wouldn't be wrong.

Yeah. Canada's going on strike. Uh, it's kind of funny. It's really funny. Some change might fucking happen. Finally. Yeah. They're, it's like they're begging They're begging for their lives like individually. Oh, I just liked I liked watching people process death You know like the bargaining the bargaining is my favorite the anger the bargaining is the best like well

But we helped with 9-eleven like we don't give two shits about We knew 9-eleven would happen the terrorists warned us and we did what we were doing anyway, and we'd really don't care. We didn't even give, actually we didn't even give the cops any money for 9-11. Yeah, get rid of the Patriot Act and then we'll see about, you know. Guys, we did 9-11 on purpose. We knew that the terrorists would attack us and we kept doing what we were doing and then we did what we were doing even more after they attacked us. Do you guys not get that? 9-11ven was a huge boom the whole country loves it Made a lot of can't say it made a lot of money

We did a lot of government spying and shit after 9-eleven loved it There's no at no point did you guys help with that? Maybe you came in and I don't know said you're standing in solidarity I don't think you understood really what was going on in 9-eleven there Dave nope from standing in solidarity. I don't think you understood really what was going on in 9-11 there. Dave? Nope. From... what's a Canadian name? Dave. Dave? Dave Foley? Dave from Wendy's? Dave from... Canady's? They're crying about going on strike. Oh, we'll show you. We're gonna tariff you actually. Striking is one of America's favorite pastimes. They said they're not gonna buy liquor from our Redstone. Let me see if I can find some of these Canadian quotes. I...

You messed around too much Canada. You've been messing up. So now we're gonna basically destroy your country. Enjoy your Molson's all by your goddamn selves up there. Yeah, you're all gonna be shitting in the street. Like all the Indians that you brought in. Cause of your behavior and your bad decisions. And if you don't act right, we're gonna just start annexing your territories one by one.

And if you don't like that, we'll kill you. We literally don't care. We'll put you in concentration camps and we'll call them happy fun camps. And we'll put a hockey rink in it that is is never filled with ice that has marbles all over it enjoy some waterboarding down at Guantanamo Bay man lovely retreat we don't care we're the bad guys the US the US government is the bad guys so it doesn't matter if you helped with 9-11 don't care we did it on purpose this is

fun we'll do it again I don't know what you guys are. I think you guys are really radically Radically possessed with this idea that we're your buddy friend, but we're not we're all bad guys I think what people forget to is we've spent more time laughing about 9-eleven Yeah, really, you know. All right, let me try to find some of the, the Canada on strike. Canada has said it has a detailed retaliation plan to the US tariffs that will seek to hurt

Republican stakes the most. And then they're gonna stop buying liquor from those states. I don't know what gets into these people's minds. I saw the cartel guys are shooting at American troops on the border and I said you guys are gonna skin you guys alive. Are you guys serious? Don't put it on TV!

We'll do it on the bicentennial or whatever it is in the country. We'll put you on a big rotisserie and spin you around little kids who come out with razors and shave your skin off. What are you guys doing? Yeah, I feel bad because you know I'm half Mexican and like oh man you somebody's got somebody should say something He's Mexican guys. They don't want to be shooting at the US troops on the border I don't want any innocent people to get killed and they will get killed if you guys keep doing that Who Choudoe announces a 25% tariff on 150 billion worth of American goods.

Yeah, I guess it's funny. It's funny because now people are crying that like prices of eggs are not gonna are gonna go up. Like, oh, didn't you guys really care about eggs? We didn't care about the price of eggs as much as we cared about you assholes not admitting that eggs were more expensive. That's what we cared about. We said, wow, inflation is nuts.

Look at the price of groceries. And you guys said, groceries are the same price. We said, no, look, look. Like they grab the back of your head and smash it into the eggs until you admit that there is something there and they never did. So now they're going to camps. And now they're saying, well, the price of eggs

isn't gonna go up. We don't really care about eggs. We care about kicking all these people out of the goddamn country. That's what we've always, that's what we cared about in the first place. Yeah, but I could pick out a small, I could cherry pick a small detail and, you know,

just blow that up. Guess you don't care about the price. Shut your mouth. Or you're gonna get a slank it crammed down it Watching people spin out about the tariffs just going like oh man I I'm in a Year ago, I would have felt the need to explain why you're wrong to you, but now I just want to watch you guys suffer As your country is destroyed because of your bad decisions.

Ah. Ah. And if you don't like it, ah, we'll kill you. Yeah. That sucks, but sorry. For the first time. Sorry. Enjoyed some lemonade out on the porch

and was like, what is this free, wonderful, open... What's this free feeling that I have of not really giving a shit if you understand why your country's getting bombed by America? I don't care. I haven't felt this way since, you know, forever. I haven't felt this way since 1985. This is amazing.

I finally understand being born again. I'm like, oh yeah, this is life. Your kids are going to grow up in a world where you don't have to explain to morons why what they're doing is dumb. You can just steamroll them and bury them in the fucking ground. That's the world that you kids will inherit from us, the Gen X people who fixed it, who fixed all the mistakes that the boomers made. Imagine that. It's going to be a beautiful world, man. who fixed it, who fixed all the mistakes that the Boomers made.

Imagine that. It's gonna be a beautiful world, man. It's already shaping up that way. What's the best part about the future? Well, all the, um, well, you don't have to explain yourself to morons. You just do it. You could have left it at that, and I'd be like, whatever future shit happens. And then if you think that that's problematic in some way, I have bad news for you.

You're a moron, and I'm not gonna explain why. Because I don't have to anymore. You're getting steamrolled. Get out of the way or get rolled. Get rolled? Or get flattened. Float up like a piece of paper afterward. Like Roger Rabbit.

Yeah. But I killed your brother! Aaaaaah! Let's see what the DNC is up to. The Democrat National Convention. They had a fun convention. I guess they're like regrouping. To see what-

For what? I don't know. Why? Maybe they're trying to figure out which one of them's they're gonna- who's losing their penis, who's getting their wiener chopped off. All of them. Uh, we got, uh, oh, there we go. Okay, this is, um, the DNC leader. Oh, okay. Well, they must have, they must have something like, we're gonna worry about jobs,

and we got too into the weeds on, like, inclusion and and shit and Women are flying helicopters into planes. We obviously that's on us. Obviously that's on us You think? Vito's trying to tell me that Vance's thing or he said yeah if you have too many DI people it just messes everything up It's like too much stress on the competent people. He was like, can you believe he said that? I'm like, yeah, it's true. Like incompetent people just tax the people who are good. Get rid of them. They're worse than- The competent people tax other people who are good.

Yeah. We don't need incompetent people. Yeah, we don't. Yeah. What? Okay, here's, so they're, let's see what they've got to say. Rules specify that when we have a gender non-binary candidate or officer, the non-binary

individual is counted as neither male nor female and the remaining six offices must be gender balanced. With the results of the previous four elections, our elected officers are currently two male and two female. Okay. In order to be gender balanced, we must, we must elect one male, one female and one person of any gender. You had to read that?

You had to read that math? You had to write that math down? We gotta elect one of it. So again, this is what we have to do for this vice chair okay right we have to elect one male one female and one person of any gender there you go to ensure our process accounts for male female and non-binary candidates we conferred with our RBC co-chair our LGBT caucus co-chair and others to ensure that the process is inclusive and meets the gender balance requirements in our rules

To do this our process will be slightly different than the one outlined to you earlier this week But I mean do we need to hear More of this. This is making me forget of all the good news. We just heard We were this close this if not for if not for Mexican men this would be this guy would be running the Treasury terrifying Terrifying we've got to have one woman one non-binary. They got a 30% of people are non-binary It's because when you get too fat you become non-binary. That's Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You just lose all semblance of who you were. Yeah. And now it's just who you are. Yeah. You get, your genitals get absorbed when you get to like Wally size. Your brain gets absorbed. You just turn into a goo inside.

Like a pupa state, like a larval state. Baymax or whatever the fucking... That Hero 6 movie? Yeah. What was going on with that movie? I don't know. It was really like Chinesey. I don't know how else to describe it.

I worked on some of it and it was really weird. It was a little odd. It was odd. I was like, I don't think, was there not enough Jewish people on this movie or what? What's going on here? I don't know. It was confusing when it was all sketches

and we were doing some of the soundtrack and then when I came out I was like, huh? Huh? I was like, is this like, did we lose a war? Are we in a wrong future timeline or something? What's happening in this movie? Not anymore. Not anymore.

Oh man. Yeah, too much good news. They're painting over the walls of the FBI. Do you see that? I did paint all that adulting shit off the walls all the if it belongs on a Menopausal woman's coffee cup. It doesn't belong at the FBI. That's the new The white pills will the good news will really start when the hangings start and the executions start That's what I'm most looking forward to. I can't wait.

And we're going to have a great time doing it. I got my popcorn ready. Let's see, starving in America, yeah. Canada on strike, yeah. Let's see, I have a picture of the woman that flew the helicopter into the... into that poor innocent plane. Was it that lady that was on fire in the subway? Maybe it was related to her. Ghost rider.

Uh... okay. Uh... is this her? Yeah, that's her. Oh, man. Uh, bummer. Well... Well, kids, you gotta be careful who you let flying around here in your army helicopters. Wasn't there like simulators to train in prior to this or? She's like someone why are the controls backwards on this? We talked about that. They're supposed to go if I press forward it's supposed to go up like on my PlayStation.

Where's my boyfriend? I'll make him change the settings. He wasn't there. He wasn't there. Because he was smart. He got the fuck off. If you're gonna have a woman flying your army helicopter, you at least have to have her dad on speakerphone. I feel like that should be a new directive. Those little speakers built into the instrument cluster now. Yeah, Sally's taking over. Can you patch Mr. Henderson in? Listen, did you check the oil in it beforehand? You know, instant like, uh-oh. I gotta, okay. You don't want to have a dad on the speakerphone with a man's flying a plane because he'll just wreck it on purpose.

Just to get the call done with. Fuck, I'll show you! Yeah, but maybe that will help. I don't know. What do I know? I've never wrecked a helicopter into a plane. Yeah, oh for one, man. I've flown plenty of planes. I've flown, I don't know how many hours

of flying a Cessna I have, maybe 100, not a lot, but I know how to fly a plane. You don't have to get a feel for it. I could land a plane. If I get on a plane and it turns out that there's two women flying the plane and somebody needs me to land the plane, I could fly a plane. I could get a feel for it. I could land a plane. If I get on a plane and it turns out that there's two women flying the plane and somebody needs me to land the plane, I could do it. I'd have to kick both of the women out of there

so they didn't shriek the whole time I was trying to focus. I'll go in there and I'll say, both of your underarms are fat. And they'll go, ah, run out crying. Ah! And then I'll get in there, all right, control. And it'll be a woman coming on, oh yeah, your underarms are fat. I run out crying. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hh a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a to be like, ah, finally. Yeah, okay. Let's do some comments. So 111 already, geez.

Eric Dempsey says, having kept up with the Eric July stuff in the last few months, I can't believe it's worse than we all thought. I can't wrap my head around Eric's mindset. Yeah. I guess that interview with Riley's Lawyer is probably the people that haven't been paying attention

to the Eric July stuff. That would have been a like a sudden escalation for them. Right. Somebody sent me a clip. Somebody sent me a clip where Eric's on another stream. Eric July's is on another stream and a bunch of our guys are like they're you know bothering him with like super chats about how he called the police and how he's a bitch and stuff. He's on some podcast where it's like,

it's like a black stereotype podcast. I guess it's a bunch of black guys dressed up like wearing cowboy hats and turtlenecks and talking in obviously fake black accents. Like I know they don't talk like that in real life. You know, give me a break. And I know white people are afraid to say that, but I know that you guys don't talk like that in real life you know give me a break and I know white people are afraid to say that but I know that you guys don't talk like that I know you're like yeah okay dude I'm sure you talk like that at home right let me pull it up but they said you're gonna love

this here's Eric July getting bombed with or mugged with super chats and he looks exactly like Maddox. He looks so, like he has that same look. We gotta hit him on the Dr. Joe show next. Dude, that was wild. We still have to finish that one too. And even, I can't believe the green screen background. That's my favorite.

Yeah, the bonus episode is out, patreon.com slash The Dick Show. We go into family-sized elevators. Good slurpy story. Oh man, I told you about the great girlfriend's slurpy mess up. Yeah, I forgot about that. Thank you. A lot of the show is just a reminder for me of things people have messed up around me

so I can remember. And as per the bonus episode too, I did bring something in for show and tell hour this time. Okay. Yeah, she didn't know. Today my girlfriend learned, remember I was doing that? Today my girlfriend learned that you can use any of the sizes of cups at 7-Eleven for the Slurpee,

not just the small that says Slurpee on it. You know, it just... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

... ............... The marketing guys at 7-Eleven don't know that they need to put a sign that says, ladies, you could use any cup that you want. Either that or the marketing department's genius and they're like, yeah, overpay for the smallest amount of Slurpee you could possibly get. It's only ten cents more to use the giant soda cup, but... Yeah, that's ten cents profit. They want that ten cents. Ah, true. Okay, did you see Eric Chalada's new show talking about Riley?

It looks familiar. Yeah, yeah, let me see it. It was the same green screen background? It is. Here is, okay, here's these two guys, kid and play here. Kid and gay. Little Nas extra chromosome over here. And I don't know what this guy's deal is. He looks like a black version of Mad Ox, the cowboy Maddox.

Yeah, he does. He's got that really big, like... Yeah. These guys, I mean, this isn't really, I barely even know they're black. They need some Lion King stuff around here. Well, Eric's sitting in front of Jarvis, right? I mean, what's going on there?

They need like, they need like a foodie, fat white woman dancing at the bottom the whole time. Like a gif. Who could say that? Come on guys, you gotta black up. It's called Black Street, so. Is that what this is called?

This is barely even black! Come on guys! What are you doing? Alright, let me- The background is half black. It's black and white, so. Oh yeah, alright, here we go. Well, Eric called the cops because a guy did a-

Bad on typo. Eric called the cops because a guy did a bad on typo Eric called the cops because a guy did a wrestling bit then take money to his warehouse. It was a whole thing. Oh Oh, you talk about that. Look at that. Look at how remember Maddox used to make this face when people would bomb him with Super chats about being a bitch Man, look at that Hello darkness my old friend. Just... Ah, fuck.

Happy February. Happy Black History Month, Eric. We're gonna be bringing up your history. We're gonna be getting that 911 call that you did make to the police. Uh-oh. Bonus episodes. A dude that went to the warehouse and threatened to fight some people, and then he got what he deserved,

which was, yeah, the cops got his ass. Like what? Yeah, the cops got his ass, yo. Yeah, I'm gangsta. Yo, the cops got his ass. Yo, the cops got his ass. Yeah, that's right, yeah, the cops. Yo, man, fuck around, find out.

I'll call the police on yo ass. Sorry, what kind of, is this Midnight Street and where? Sesame Street? What is, what's going on? What's tough about this? Well, I think about like when Gucci, I think Gucci Mane and Young Jeezy had beef and then Gucci Mane was like,

yeah, I left your nephew in a dumpster behind a McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah, I just shot him and killed him. So, your move, pussy, like, oh, all right. It was one of his friends or something. Yeah. I can't really remember it, but like, that's just kind of like, oh, he went and did something. Yeah.

I don't think any cops were involved with that. This is tough. These are tough characters. One of them, the guy, the gay guy in the cowboy hat said he was gonna beat me up in Las Vegas. Shit. Or that if I pulled up, I would find out or something like that. That's the expression, right? Pull up in Las Vegas. Shit. Or that if I pulled up, I would find out, or something like that.

That's the expression, right? Pull up, find out? Yeah, and I said, buddy, I'm white. What are you talking about? Not going to be any kind of fighting in a parking lot? What are you? You think I'm going to be in a parking lot? I mean, I'll call you the end word

and when it's not being recorded, but not going to be any sort of physical. What am I gay? Yeah, wait who am I gay? What are you talking about? I love it. Ice. Hello ice. There's a Haitian here who's threatening to beat me up. I saw me to cat I have a really beautiful dog in my yard. It's dressed like a gay cowboy I have a really beautiful dog in my yard. It's dressed like a gay cowboy Pull up you ain't gonna talk that shit. I got I forgot exactly what he said He said he was gonna. He said he was gonna beat me up if I pulled up to him in Las Vegas, man. I don't know if I

Don't know where he got that idea. That's what he was fit He said I'll suck your cock right off if you he said I'll show you suck your dick so good that You'll never be able to get fucking head in your life ever again. I'll ruin it. Yeah It's a private property threatening people and then you know, he got he got what happened to him. Yeah. Hey, yeah I remember that that was funny. Hey, shout out to you for the fire, bro. That was fun I said, I remember that it was funny as hell just like uh, look at that Even though he smiles, it's exactly the way Maddox used to smile like Just like, uh... Look at that, even the way he smiles,

it's exactly the way Maddox used to smile. Like... Yeah, gotcha. We'll see when people reiterate that they remember that, and that was funny as hell. I've been on songwriting and rap sessions before. That's usually like a bullshit kind of passe way, to be like, oh yeah, that was pretty good, yeah.

Like, it's just you say things while you have someone in front of them, and then afterward you're like, I don't remember even what that guy's deal was at all. Just like the Dallas meetup I was there remember the Dallas meetup? It's there. The dude outside and the cops had to get him because he was out there harassing people and shit. See he can say it you see what I mean? Mm-hmm. You were like oh why'd you have the cops come? Because he he's doing dumb shit. What the fuck? What else do you expect?

OK, well, shout out to Stray Beans for $7.99 Australian. Is Eric a gay hypocrite for grandstanding and challenging the street to confront him in person only to call the, you probably make cops when they do. Yeah. I think so. I don't think so. It never happened anyway.

Uh, by the way, the offer still stands for people to, um, because you know, these guys follow kind of wherever chat that I go and I'm glad they send money at least to the, to the, uh, people that I show up at that. No, you're not. Sucks getting made fun of. No one, it's not, no one's glad that they're getting made fun of talking about Yeah, that's why people try not to be fat, you know, yeah nobody I'm really glad that you paid to make fun of me. What no, you're not. That's uh, that's right Just some of you guys, so please keep sending the shoot super test. Did you like?

Maybe he sent you some more was the why not since some more but yeah Megacon people know that that will be at Megacon But yeah, there's a there's a difference between right waiting in line and being respectful And if you want to talk to me about something we can do that then I don't know taking pictures of my house and posting It on the internet and threatening my employees. Yeah, that's not that happened by the way Threatening my employees. Okay. Anyway, but my employees It's just funny what a bunch of pussies Okay, Lloyd Llewellyn the watermelon is supposed to represent Palestine as the colors match up with the flag. Oh

It's as stupid as it sounds. Okay. Well, I don't really think using a watermelon to Represent anything is a good idea a watermelon to represent anything is a good idea. Swastika represents peace and wind. That doesn't mean you should use it. Horace Temper says if PETA screw up PETA activists tried to dump a truckload of dirt in front of the ASPCA headquarters but it turned out the dirt was frozen solid. All right, it's hilarious. That's a pretty good one. Let's see here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. OK, there's the PETA activists.

They got a truckload of dirt. That's a big truck. That's expensive. And they drove it to where? The ASPCA headquarters? All right. And now it is, uh, j- It's jammed. They're scooping it out by hand.

Guys, out of the street, now! Everybody off on the sidewalk, everybody. Let's go, let's go. Okay. Yeah, get out of the way. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Oh, it's totally frozen. The entire dump truck of- totally frozen the entire Dump truck of oops the entire dump truck of dirt is frozen inside the dump truck. None of its coming out

now they're getting arrested by LAPD by a big fat cop nobody wants that Okay better luck next time guys, they should have made him eat all the dirt. Yeah, just shove it in his face. Woman alert. Woman alert. Wounded edge boy. What is this that you have for us?

Wounded edge boy. This makes me cry. I can't even- oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I talked about this one before. These guys roughing up a robot, it's stupid. The women saying, this makes me cry, I can't even watch it. Why does it somehow feel exactly like it's happening to a child or a helpless animal?

Cause you're retarded, is the answer. Yeah. It's appliance. Oh, oh, oh, no! These guys are kicking around a robot that walks and then laughing when it gets knocked over, because they are retarded. At least they know it's a robot, though.

Yeah, they know they're having fun by doing something dumb. Not... You don't need to come in and cry about it. This is why we don't have nuclear power, because women are crying about a walking robot getting abused. The robot has feelings, man.

I know there's a guy on camera using the remote control, but I think it has feelings. It does, probably. Oblivious school bus driver traps a six year old between the doors of her bus and drags her a thousand feet before stopping? Oh Huh, is that is it the same lady that crashed the helicopter into the plane? Is it possible? Oh? No, I don't want to watch this Holy shit, oh no, I can't watch the rest of that. Oh my god. Oh, that's bad

Tune in next week to our streams on live leak. Oh How terrible? Okay Yeah, you have to play this on the show. Well, okay. What is it? Yeah, if you have to I do if I have to play this on the show? Well, okay, what is it? You have to play this. Well, yeah, if you have to. Jesus. If I do, if I have to, I will. Oh yeah, multiple angles, same thing. Okay.

Tom says... Do me a favor and check the compression on my track to make sure it's okay. Yeah, pretty good. And the volume coming in. I'm hypersensitive to all that stuff now. Oh, we got the Shawn mix template. So everything should sound a lot better Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay and the volume coming in That sounds good the only difference is when it gets loud that I worry about Tom says hey dick. Here's some short and sweet advice from a dad of two.

Teach a few words in sign language. Milk, water, eat, sleep, read, etc. The fleshy potatoes will be able to use their hands faster than their tongues, and it'll save you a headache or two not having to interpret different cries. That works. Yeah, my sister did that with her kids. It's funny because they'll go for food and stuff like this, like baby sign language. That's cool. I'll teach them one of these. Read to them every night. I've heard it might make them smarter.

Probably helps with language development. I'm not a book scientist. We can read on television. Just watch someone read a book on television and call the script. How about that? That's basically the same. Don't use a baby voice. Hit anyone who does, unless you want your kid

to have a speech impediment, okay? What's a baby voice? Like cat calling? Hey baby. Hey baby. You have to talk. Did you just like crawl around and how do I make noises at it? Should I crawl around like the baby?

You should shit your pants. And shit my pants? And be a complete terror. So it's cool. Ah! Ah! Blah blah blah. Do not buy an Alexa, Google, whatever that lets the kids choose their own music.

It's all poop songs. Or worse, like Imagine Dragons. What are you talking about? Do not buy an Alexa, Google, whatever. Why is this one in all caps? And it's the one that makes no sense. It's all poop songs, man. He told you.

Why did you write this in all caps, sir? Do not buy an Alexa Google whatever the fuck that lets the kids choose their own music. Does that exist? Well, you can just say Alexa, like play whatever probably. Can't they do that with like any recording device? A baby can do that? If your baby's already demanding

what to change the Alexa with, that's pretty... That's either a smart or a terrifying baby. So I have all the noise machines that that guy told me to get, so do I get... I need no music making things. Okay. Just silence all day? More noise machines. I need more of a description on this one. Good luck with everything else. Well, he said it's all poop songs. So he's basically saying I think just get rid of music entirely. Yeah

Imagine Dragons. I don't like Imagine Dragons. I guess I don't know. I have songs about poop too. So that's like oh Yeah, I think yeah. Good luck with everything else. Okay, Thomas from Canada PS if you want to know how fucked our Canadian gun laws are, they made most semi autos, including 22 caliber Plinkers, illegal in December and might be sending them to Ukraine once they pry them away from people. At least Trudeau resigned. Wow, is there... they made everything illegal? That's too bad. Go fuck yourself in Johnny is doing great.

Thank you. Thank you. Kate, God, they need America. Canada needs America. Canada really does. I don't want to take over. We got to get rid of the Indian problem first. I don't want to take them. We got to get rid of the Indian problem first. I don't want to take them over, but we might have to.

Mm-hmm. One deer at a time. Yeah. We might have to take over their cities one by one, Canada. Put them in some kind of like Canada mega city one. Mm-hmm. Alamo two electric Canadian Boogaloo? Yeah, Alamo two. electric Canadian Boogaloo. Yeah, Alamo too.

We might even have a choice. They're not giving us a choice. Kate Bick, your nerd stuff NFT company had helped convince my rich smart friends who don't understand economics and have been skeptical about crypto until now that it has actual purpose. Almost no one outside of your sphere understands any of this

and it takes great effort to get laypeople to a place where they can get what it means for you to send their foil Charizard and then buy, sell, trade the NFT of it. Oh yeah, that company. Or borrow against it, creating the foil Charizard economy, which exists outside the traditional banking system that steals their money and is a pain in the ass. After they understood that then I can bring up new project 2, debanking etc and the brand new world opens up for them because no one ever thinks or talks about this stuff. This is radicalizing

stuff and it's been invaluable to people on the ground floor watching it go down and then be able to kind of explain to people way smarter than myself. Well we can do we can do crypto stuff now. It's no longer having unregistered securities, which the SEC said we can't do for 100 years is no longer a problem according to Trump. So it's cool. We're doing unregistered securities now.

And either we're all going to prison in four years or it's gonna be legal. The SEC has been going after arbitrarily NFT people for doing unregistered securities, which is like you buy a percentage, you do a sale to the public, like you pay me 10 bucks and then I give you revenue from my project forever,

which is totally like the bedrock of America is getting money from people, using it to do something cool, and then giving them money back. The rampant fraud took place in this world. Rampant fraud would take place in the investment world. I don't know really that the SEC stopped it though. They made it very difficult for normal people to participate in investing and innovation

and stuff by existing and making them go through a bunch of legal frameworks for a hundred years. I'm not ready to say they did anything good, but for the last 10 years, they destroyed crypto. Because crypto, you can sit there in your underwear and make 20 and just make an infinite number everything that's built on the blockchain is built like an unregistered security you give me money you get a token you come back and sell me that token for more money money automatically

accrues to your token you can sell it in the in the bigger market for other people to get income from what you're doing. Everything in the blockchain works like that. So it made it a it put the question of whether or not whether or not unregistered securities, which is a stock basically, like you own a piece of of GE and you get money from GE's profits until you sell the stock to somebody else. It presented the question of is this an industry, is this a process that needs to be regulated? And obviously I say no, because you can't regulate it.

And if you do it, you just take America totally out of the sphere of innovation on crypto. So it'll get better now. Now it's all meme coins and bullshit because doing unregistered securities was illegal. Everyone was afraid of it. Everybody, I mean everybody, every single project on crypto has some element of an unregistered security.

The scams to the totally legit ones. Like the first thing we would do it back by is like, okay, people can give me money as like a Kickstarter and they get a token. And then the token could go up or down in value and you'd promise to give the token holders revenue that's an unregistered security that's an SEC violation you get find a million of dollars for doing it but now it's not clear if that's gonna be illegal anymore so it's a big it's a big step of having no more a meme coins not illegal because

you're not because you're not gonna make any money on it it's going to zero you go buy my fart coin it's going to zero okay it's not an underage security because you're not saying there's any profit and there's never gonna be it's just totally stupid it's totally stupid what they what the SEC did Gary Gensler also should be executed hanging would be great Hanging would be great. Least hard and feathered. At minimum. Minimum.

Why do we ever get rid of that? Someone should stick a ledger up his ass. Stick them, keep cramming them in until they explode. The whole ledger. The whole ledger. Choke him with a slanket. But now that he's gone, but at least he's gone. Maximum impact games.

I don't know if you saw this yet. I'm a few weeks behind on your shows, but if you haven't, you should look into this. It's a bunch of federal employees on Reddit freaking out about how they'll have to go back to work in the office and nonstop posting on Reddit about it. There's tons of people freaking out about having to pay for childcare or parking now,

and then getting into giant cope freakouts whenever normal people say, but I have to do all that stuff. It's all ready for my job. Yeah, the feds are. The entitlement of these people is just off the charts. Yeah, all of us with normal jobs have to do what you guys are crying about.

And just get fucked by it. Yeah, and we also hate you. Like personally. So- Specifically, yeah. Yeah, you. We really, really hate you and hope that everything in your life goes to shit and that you suffer. In addition to all of us have to do the stuff that you're crying about. Let me find it.

Reddit, Fed News. They're acting like they're serving the country, these people. By posting on Reddit? Yeah, by getting paid by the government's posts on Reddit. Yes, basically. Look at this beauty, Fed News. Elon is breaking the law with his OPM server,

access to the treasury. Can he just be arrested? That sounds like treason. Let's round this guy up and put him in Gitmo. Put him in Guantanamo Bay. Or hang him. I'm worried about him shutting down IT systems. He's already illegally networking credentials.

He should be arrested, but let's face it. We know why he isn't. Yeah, he isn't being arrested because he runs the US government. I don't know what your... I wouldn't even be saying stuff like this The US does not tend to arrest billionaires No, just that one specifically if anyone else were trying to pull this they would be behind bars

Yeah, if anyone else tried to take over the Treasury they would definitely be behind bars. Mm-hmm Except for the people that we elected to do it right? that's how it works. Yeah, that's how it works We elected them to come in and fire all you guys Just get out of here. Yeah In the most humiliating way possible. They should just fire everyone who posted on reddit. That's yeah That's easy to figure out with the logs, right? Yeah, be a lawsuit filed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go fuck yourself. Supervisor just told us to stop posting on Reddit. Imagine that.

We just had a meeting about employees posting memos and meeting topics on Reddit, and we're told to stop leaking information. Don't stop! Oh, the people deserve to know the information. Oh, I see. Wow. Huh, well, yeah, it's up to you guys, I guess.

Hold the line. Don't resign. This week will be bombarded with pressure to resign. Don't fall for it. Quick facts below. Yeah, okay, whatever. It doesn't't really matter you guys are all done this week we'll get more emails from an unknown entity on emails directly they should drug test them all right mmm just give mandatory drug tests every day for fun weirdo tests yeah weirdo test are

you big fucking weirdo mm-, kind of seems like it. Like you're out. Have them do like meetings about what they love most about Trump. Instead of what they hate most about white people, just flipping it around a little bit. And it has to be genuine too. You can't be. Oh yeah. We'll know.

We'll know. Well, no. Dickalus says, woman faces jail, bombarding boyfriends of ex-boyfriends with videos of farting. Okay, I don't know, Bob. I don't know if I wanna watch that. Let me see this real fast. Look at it. Yeah, that should be good. That's what I'm saying. I think my ears are just shot, man. I think your brain is a little shot. My brain that should be good. That's what I'm saying.

I think my ears are just shot, man. I think your brain is a little shot. My brain is a little shot. I mean, mine is too. That's why I'm never gonna dissuade you, but I'm like, I promise. What's my dial at? It should be on set, right?

It's all good. All right. What do you say, you wanna do Fat Watch? What do we got here? Well, I have a special edition Fat Watch. Okay. Fat Watch. Today is Fat News. Alright. So. Much like my grapes thing I found the other day. Mr. Black Joe's.

Where is your grapes? Right here. Here's the Black Joe's juice grapes. So, you know, in, you know, no one ever asked me. Zach says, I love Johnny being the audio replacement engineer, he's good, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, Zach. Well, you know, no one ever asks me, Johnny, you know, where do you find all these treasures? They just say, Johnny, you're a treasure,

implying that I should be buried. And I say, well, don't worry, my girlfriend and I have found something else. What do you got? So I, well, don't worry, my girlfriend and I have found something else. What do you got? So I, well, we found, I will let you do the honors here. Okay. Slip this to you across the table.

These are staying in my collection, but if you wanna go ahead and show the camera what that is, and if you wanna unbox this slide on air to show everyone. This says, Bridget's diet Playing Cards Jumbo Size. Our largest lady appears au natural. Has anyone ever appeared au natural and it's something that doesn't make you want to throw up?

Just you wait and see. On the oversized cards that were the only way to capture all of her charms. Full color illustrations on both sides. Johnny, this is copyright 1988? Yes, we this is a fat watch back in time. Look at this mess. So if you're tuning in, this is a deck of cards almost the size of a medium-sized VHS tape of a extremely fat woman Look, oh her tits looked horrible Just her tits look horrible all of her looks horrible

but she looks like she's got a little bit of Down syndrome and she's wearing a straw hat and Playing a guitar that looks like a ukulele because she's so fat correct Let me see if they're yeah, so you're're going to want to show these to the camera, most likely, because when I, well, when we opened up. Who would make something like this? Clearly Bridget did. It says au natural. Au natural.

Twice. That was a very erotic phrase in 1988. It was. In Massachusetts, wherever the fuck this happened in. Made in Belgium. Well the cards were made in Belgium, but the company was in Massachusetts. And you'll see in the picture,

you'll see in some of the cards, the indication that she is in Massachusetts. Ivory Tower Publishing, Incorporated, 125 Walnut Street, Waterton, Massachusetts. Am I doxing? Now we tried doing a cursory glance to see if we could find any, you know, who is this Bridget? So if any of the top autists out there want to... Bridget diet playing card, Bridget's jumbo playing cards, okay. We publish lots of humorous books, toilet paper, playing cards, write for our free catalog. Oh come on. Do I not find them? Well, do

we not find the best shit or what? Oh what? This is the king of... Dude, these have never been opened. No. They're in perfect order. We freshly unboxed them last night. This is a woman naked at the store with just an entire ass of cottage cheese. And a cart full of chips, of wise potato chips. Her back fat has like a frowny face. Her back fat looks like the puffer fish. Yeah. Like that's like all smushed.

Oh, just keep flipping through. These are works of art. Oh my God. You're touching here. Freshly unearthed, sealed in the cellophane, okay? No one has seen this. What the fuck is this? She's on the scale. Oh, I didn't see that. Oh, God.

Bridget, what- Honey. Oh, yeah. What the hell's going on here? I'm telling you, man. It's- She's looking at a cooler of Bud Light- No, just Budweiser.

No Paps Blue Ribbon, Budweiser and Paps Blue Ribbon. This is really fat for 1988! That's why I'm dude! Wow! I sent you the picture of this last night and you said don't talk to me the rest of the night. Yeah, don't talk to me about this. Oh come, this is absolutely disgusting it's better she's got a she's got a chicken bone and she's pretending to pick her teeth like Shrek

with one of her fish bone yes and she's pretending to pick her teeth with one of the fish bones I'm glad we're not on YouTube anymore for this me too this would have gotten you banned for sure. She's walking a, uh, lobster? Yes. Like a little avant-garde. I imagine she was trying to pull it so she could eat it. She could eat it. She's, uh, brushing her teeth. Oh, this one is looking a little coquettish here. Yes. Oh, yeah. Longer hair in that one, too. God, come on! Look at that face.

Hahahaha Can we get a reprint of these cards? Is it? I think we're gonna have to. Can we own the rights to this? Can we contact the company? Yeah. This makes me want to put out a new card game.

On fat women. That's what I'm saying, dude. Like Pokemon, but it's the fat bitches. You gotta collect them all. Well, I have a full deck of one fat bitch. Yeah, I need more. Yeah, I need more too. I need to battle them with other fat bitch, with other pimps. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Keep thumbing through. It repeats at a certain point. Oh, I hope so. Yes. Yeah. Keep thumbing through. It repeats at a certain point, but you'll see where it'll go. Oh, I hope so. She's upset at a coffee machine here. Something like that, yeah. She's gonna do a Hulk stomp or something like that. And this is Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving. A lot of work went into this. A lot of, I'm telling you, man. I mean, this is just absolutely revolting what I'm seeing here. Have you found the bathtub yet? No. Oh. She really loves little musics.

Oh, come on. Naked on a unicycle. Oh, she's holding the seat. And she's got the seat. She's holding the seat. So it's penetrating her. We don't know. We don't know. We don't know.

And that is? A bathtub full of marshmallows. Now, which one of her folds, labial or otherwise, do you think contracted some sort of fungal... Geist infection. Yeah. Because you know those marshmallows dissolved a little bit in that water. It was room 10 before. So, you know. Yeah. Okay. Dissolved a little bit in that water. It was room 10

Yeah, yeah, okay Here she's back at the store obviously when that's the front side of her at the store. Oh god This is really revolting stuff it's shocking sumo wrestling She's gonna break this horse's back this poor poor horse that she's on. I think that's actually. All natural. Yeah, I think that's actually a John Deere tractor that they dressed like a John Deere. And then it does, yeah, it repeats. Well, this is wonderful.

Where did you get this? Well, you know. The antique store of jerks? People accuse me of gatekeeping things all the time, but the problem is I watched the store owner get shot and then bulldozers came and immediately bulldozed the store over so even if I wanted to tell you I couldn't. Okay. So sorry everybody. Quite a tale. All right. And then if you're not done with playing cards I have some home improvement packs we can break. Also from the same... What's the fetch card in those? I think, uh, who's the neighbor?

Cocaine, is there any cocaine in it? Oh, Wilson? Wilson, yeah, I think it's Wilson. Um, well thanks for bringing these in. You're welcome. It's wonderful. This is, you know... Wouldn't that be great if it was like a collectible card game? You put out your fat bitch, power her up with food.

Yeah, you know, you think poker night, blah blah blah,, oh yeah, I got, well, here's the thing too, it's just diet playing cards, right? Right. Does it make you go on a diet? There's nothing about diets in those playing cards at all. There's no diet anything. Nothing. Other than I have now lost my appetite forever and ever, amen.

Okay, here is, Hey, hey, Dick, my girlfriend told me about life drawing classes featuring exclusively fat women and fat queer men. Oh All right. Let's see This ought to be good fat muses. Oh life drawing with fat models only really Co-founders, let's see the size of these co-founders, let's see the size of these co-founders. Tess Royale.

With cheese. Sasha Rose Art. Okay. Oh, she's not that fat. And Royale, she's not fat at all. She's skinny in fact. Is she a queer man? I don't know. Fat Muses, oh my God, it really is just, ugh.

Huh. Hmm. See, no one is walking a lobster in any of these photos. I'm not really sold on it. Yeah, they're not having fun in this one. No fatties have a cart full of chips, you know? No one's in a bathtub full of marshmallows. No, no. Oh, that was gross. No one's in a bathtub full of marshmallows. No, no.

Oh, that was gross. No one's got the unicycle seat in their hand, the rest of it in God's hands. I wonder where the unicycle is. I, oh. Oh, she's a wizard with her cane, right? Huh. Does she have a little mushroom that she's smelling,

like a flower? What a bizarre choice. Loon Muse. Is this Alan or Alon? What is her name? It's Alan Wake. It's Alan, fire. As always, we have two incredible muses for you.

Oh, that's two? It's like a big- Was it Small Soldiers? The Alan. Oh yeah. I forget, yeah. That's a big bitch there. That's a big bitch.

Drew Muse. Oh, yeah, I forget. Yeah, that's a big bitch there. That's a big bitch drew muse They have to bring extra oh my god I guess it's kind of cool for artists if you want to draw like a big fat. I'm gonna get good. Yeah. Yeah Kind of just oh my god as De-Azrael Devore. Devour. Announcing Azrael Devore as our muse for May. I think she's May in, June.

Pack your pencils for an evening of the hottest, fattest babes in all the realm. Wow. Doesn't matter if you can or can't draw. You just go draw a circle. As long as your dick can't get hard Doesn't matter if you do or don't consider yourself an artist come and bask Spelled come totally east come in based in the glory of our muses kissy face

Oh, yeah, she's spelled it like bask cheesecake not baskly right? Yeah, this is not the correct way to spell Basque, I don't think. Queer art, hashtag queer, hashtag McDonald's, huh? Huh. Tess Royale. Good for them, the McDonald's endorsement, I like it. Yeah, okay, and then their icon is like the fat statue. Why do they all have food names?

Divine Sage, Aubergeen Tangerine, like that's like, get it out of me. One of them are named Salad, Mama Medusa, they love, fat women love the Medusa name. Okay, thank you. And Mint says, this lady was denied by an Uber because she was too fat. Okay, Mint Salad. Mint too fat. Okay, mint salad.

Let's see here. Oh my, he denied her. Wow, that's a big girl. She's got about, it looks like she's got 50 pounds cement bags for thighs. And her upper half is a bean bag that's been hogtied with like packing twine. She could have saved herself embarrassment calling a local hauling service. A freight service?

Yeah. Uber, she called Uber freight to get picked up and they said, you know, you're too big. They sent an Uber XL on accident uber caterpillar uber yeah be there in about 10 hours yeah the Lyft driver denied me service because of my size yeah you're fat you're huge you can't be the size of a Hyundai Elantra and fit in a Hyundai Elantra it's not you need a van or a flatbed or a truck. Or like what they use,

what are those giant German digging machines? Yeah, like the boring, Elon's boring machine. Yeah. My car is small. I can fit in this car. Believe me you can. Yes I can. Believe me.

So I'm sorry. What's, what am I doing with my money? Well, I'm gonna cancel you, you're not gonna be carded. So you're telling me I can't get in the lift because I can't fit in your car? Yeah, you need to order a vehicle for us. What make you think I can't fit in a car? Your fat ass makes me think that! Jesus!

He should have picked her up and then drove her straight to the hospital. Do you hear how out of breath she is? Yeah, just from calling a cab. Yeah, I'm sorry. What makes you think I can't fit in this car? Because the car is smaller than the back of your hand. My best friend has a biz that's newer than this that I can fit in. That's the same song.

Call them. Yeah, I than this that I can see you. That's the same song. Call them. Yeah, I'm sorry. I can't. So you really telling me I'm too busy in your car. So I got to order another lift. Yeah, right. That's it. And to be more more specific with you, I got very tired. What I got to do with your tires. Yeah, and you have no space.

How you know I don't have no space? To be very specific with you, I've got very tired tires. My tires are worn out. They really can't, they can't handle a woman of your size right now. These tires have beat it, man. I can hear them right now. They're like, don't pick this bitch up. You know all four of them are going to blow the fuck out. Why is he explaining this stuff to this gigantic fat woman? Well, you notice how she's got the phone pointed away, obviously in her mind, to, you know, not to show who he is,

but really it's because she would be in every other part of the frame. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's pointing it at a non-reflective surface. Yes. Yeah, I got no space in the back. How do you know I don't have no space? Because I tried before. Huh?

Because I've been in this situation. So every big person you find out can get... Oh look, lady! Oh great, another one! I've been in this situation before. Where a huge fat woman thinks she's gonna... Insane. Yeah, that's nuts. That's nuts. They can't fit in your car? Yeah, because they need to order an Uber XL express.

No, I don't never have to order an Uber XL. Then I'm really sorry about that. What's your name? Abraham. Abraham, hi, this is Abraham. My name is Diet. You'll never remember it. Nope. This- And then I think she sued them.

Let me pull this up. I think this woman has sued the Lyft company. Yeah, female rapper Dank DeMoss has slapped Lyft with a multimillion dollar lawsuit just days after the company issued her an apology because she was too big to fit in their driver's car. They, Lyft said, were disheartened to look at this driver's unacceptable behavior. What are you talking about?

He was a safety issue. If there was a guy, if a woman driver was picking a man up who was holding a knife and he wore a shirt that says I'm gonna rape you, would that, would she have to pick him up? No, it's the same. It's gonna destroy the car fuck it all up. Please DM us at your earliest convenience for additional support We'd like to address this as soon as possible What and what is this a lawyer meeting look at how like confident she is They don't have any. So these guys, you have the two skinniest lawyers in the world here.

Next to a woman who's probably, what do you think she is, 400? Minimum. She's gotta be 400. Easy. Look at how tiny her head looks. Right. She's so fat that their suits are shrinking around them, like shrink wrap.

I feel like the TV's leaning forward a little further. Yeah. Do you think she just she have to tuck that lymphedema down the right pant leg there? This is really a disgusting display. I think it's just easier if they body paint her with like a. They paint those pants on? Like a car sprayer, you know? Yeah, yeah, like how they do with the flatbed like a they do with the truck bed. They spray that they wheel on it

Yeah To make that so it doesn't get scuffed up. It's just a bathe in a car wash Well, she can't bathe there's no way that this woman bathes properly. No You can't bathe! There's no way that this woman bathes properly. No. You can't be fat and stinky, you know? You cannot, yeah, you can't be fat and not stinky as it turns out. Yeah. This is really atrocious.

This is atrocious behavior at this size. Again, I don't- she could have been walking a lobster. Instead, she's got to be a pain in the ass. That's what- fat women used to be able to laugh at themselves and take baths and marshmallows. Go to the store naked and load up on chips. That's a whole thing of chips. But now they're just a big fat pain in the ass.

We used to be. Sewing lift, cause some poor Mexican guy wouldn't let them joy ride in their car and scratch the bottom of the car on every speed bump. She would have leaned against it, it would have caved in. Yeah. You know? Maybe he just got a car wash and the inside smelled like ice cream or something, you didn't want her eating the upholstery.

That could have been a thing too. A lot of reasons not to pick up a woman of this size, you know? A lot of very valid reasons not to pick up a woman of this size, you know? A lot of very valid reasons not to pick up a woman of this size. Okay, let's see what else we got here. Defiant, look at her, defiant. Oh, hell no, I said. Oh, hell no, I can't get on. Happy Black History Month, everyone.

Here's a 400 pound woman that wants a ride in your Hyundai Elantra You're not gonna give it to her. She's gonna sue you. Happy Black History Month. She didn't even teach me how to type man Okay Hey dick talking about broads thinking they're hotter than they are this bitch is out of the universe delusional viewer discretion is advised, okay Let's see what you got, Attil? Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I don't think it hit one part of her. Yeah, POV, POV, you're the next camera to get squashed by accidentally being in this woman's pocket. This is... which one of the park size plus or plus size park hoppers is she? Jesus. POV, you're a chair about to break. Yeah, when she puts her foot up, what is holding her? POV, you're a chair about to break. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha of her belly button is like a bowl of popcorn.

It's like a bowl this big, like a mixing bowl where her belly button gap, cavernous gap is in the unitard that she's wearing. Little marshmallow storage. It doesn't know what's in there. Oh. Oh, amazing. OK. Thank you very much. She doesn't know what's in there. Oh! Oh, amazing. Okay.

Thank you very much. The only thing not being held back is her lymphedema. She's a... You aren't being held back by news resolutions. That's because of the laws of physics. Yeah. No material could hold you back. You're too fat.

The dying strength of her heart. Man, oh man, something's gotta be done. I say we bring back beatings. We gotta find Bridget. Someone out there, please find Bridget. Bridget, what do you think about all these fat women? Yeah, I wanna hear her complain about the status of fatties these days.

Yeah, they can't even laugh at it anymore. No way. They're suing, cause they're too fat to get in a car. She's having a blast. She's like, look at how fucking fat I am. See how funny this is? She was probably the fattest woman on earth when she did that too, and now she's skinny.

The diet playing cards jumbo size. Ah. They had to make the cards bigger because she's so fucking fat. Come on. And she's not suing anybody. She's just fucking fat. Come on. And she's not suing anybody. She's just making fat cards, big fat cards. Hash it in, man. Why are the bananas in pajamas on this fat people? You guys are like pumpkins in pajamas.

Bananas in pajamas? What are you talking about? Banana splits in pajamas. V1, I think I'm having another heart attack. Let's call Mr. Rat. God. That's abysmal. All right, that's the show everyone. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show. Dick. Show. See you next Tuesday. Oh yeah, I gotta shorten this thing up eventually. eventually Whoa, whoa! Intro Music

What are these guys doing in there? That's... something. Let me see one of those home improvement packs. We got a lot of packs All right home improvement we got a Hey, dick. Um, I know what happened with the author sound tank. Okay, wasn't a stupid question I know it wasn't a stupid question. But what you did was you accidentally admitted that you hadn't read the baby book You this a baby book say there's blood in it.

A little bullet point. Yeah. Like the page of how many weeks it is for when his circulation system develops and stuff. But you didn't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What to do when you're expecting.

And that's a sin. So yeah, do with that what you will. Peace out. Well, then I found out that the amniotic sac is like mostly piss when the baby's about to be born. So it's swimming around in piss for nine months. We are all swimming around in piss. A little less piss than a baby. That's like pissing right in its own face and stuff. It's just are all but swimming around in piss. A little less piss than a baby.

That's like pissing right in its own face and stuff. It's just swimming around and floating around in piss. Dab a little behind my neck, you know. Ugh, out of there. Get me out of that piss. Get me out of this piss. Been covered in piss for nine months. Yeah, ugh.

Get me out of it. God, sick of it. Sick of the piss. Hey, Jack, hey, Johnny. Got a little rage for you. So, you know, when people work on the freeway, maybe this just doesn't happen in other states. But you know, in like the freeways, we have freeway work in L.A. And they decide to do most of the job. But then they just put up a sign that says bump and

Then there really is a big fucking bump so big in fact that I'd say like roughly four Maybe five years ago. I was driving my truck. Yeah, I just go over it at normal freeway speeds My fucking exhaust became disconnected It ripped my exhaust off and I was trying to figure out a way to you know maybe get the fucking state to pay for that but I couldn't it was you just submitted to the Treasury Department maybe it's a Nigerian line it says Bob you finish the fucking job anyway I don't think that's too much to ask. They're already working on the roads for, you know,

God knows you now. Yeah, I know. They're horrible. And they mess everything up. Dealt with that on the way in today. Road closure? Yeah, what the fuck is that? Hey, Dick, hey, Jenny.

Hello. Collins report on the future of STEM. Okay. My high school son is on a robotics team Hey, Dick. Hey, Jenny. Hello. Collins report on the future of STEM. Okay. My high school son is on a robotics team and I'm just getting back from a tournament. Okay. Where in the beginning of the tournament, the MC, this Bruce Valanche looking guy in a cowboy hat, decided to point out the girls' teams, stating that two years ago,

there were only three all-girls teams. Oh, yeah, god, yeah. Everybody gather around and say, hooray for the girls, hooray! Where would we be without all the goddamn girls and computers? Oh, man! God, maybe next year we'll have two or three more and then we'll have

a big parade for them! Yes! Thank Christ! We have more girls in STEM! All girl teams, stand up and let's give them a round of applause. Yes! Yes, thank God for more girls. So more than a third of the teams were all girl. Wait, what? If you couple the all girl teams and the co-ed teams, How? The minority teams were all boys.

Amazing. I think there were three or four all-boy teams. Amazing. Amazing. Now, after that, between the cine finals andals of this tournament, they hand out awards. They're awards for things like design and inspiration, whatever that means, community outreach. It's a Harriet Tubman award.

And the head judge for this, this little troll of a woman says in the middle of this award ceremony that if your team wins a first or second place trophy in these award categories, they're not eligible to win award in another award category. Basically saying that girls have to win. That half the teams are going to get an award, even if one team was the best in every category. Of course. On the upside, the team that won the whole tournament was an all-boys team. Yeah, yeah. Surprise of the century.

At least we got our home improvement packs. Here, you open this one. See what you get. All right. I'm hoping for, obviously, Al Borland. I want an accident. I want Tim, Tim having one of his accidents. They're better for an accident, yeah. That's what I want. More power card. Let's see what we got here.

Let's see what we got here. Again, these are from the store that just was literally destroyed as soon as I stepped out of the door. Okay, I got, uh, uh, some kind of quote. I got a Tim Taylor. Yeah, that's good. I got an Al Borland, yeah. Oh, I got a Wilson! You did. I got a Wilson and a Tim Allen. No! I got Tim getting dressed down by Jill!

No! I got Tim and Al. I got Tim doing explaining. You got Tim explaining something to the oldest son Yes, the dumb one right right to his dumb fucking ass. Okay. Here's a good Tim right here. That's a pretty good Tim I got that one too. That must be a common ah tool time D Tim is always trying to prove He's the boss of tool time through the use of power tools and any and other contraption and any other contraption

He manages to get his hands on through the use of power tools and any other contraption he manages to get his hands on. Very provocative. I got a A saw horse tool time. You got a saw horse? Follow these simple instructions to build your saw horse. First, grunt. You are doing manly work.

Did Maddox fucking write these? I got a tip. Oh, yeah. He's a deep in thought, Tim. How to talk to a woman. Oh, oh, okay, here's a tip, tool tip, tool time tip. How to talk to a woman. Pick a subject she'd be interested in.

Like, for instance, well, whatever you, well, you'll think of something. Whatever you do, look interested when she talks, try counting her her eyelashes She'll think you're really listening a skill that usually takes years to learn how to fake Huh, it's a pretty good tool time tip. This is the only good advice I've ever gotten from a pack of trading cards sweepstake entrance form. Yeah, do we fill these out and get more cards? What's the deal? Al Nothing about Al. Well Al sucks. Oh, it's two cards. Maybe. They're stuck together. Oh, shit! Here's a good Wilson. Look at this. He said, right in your fucking ass.

Uh, I'm trying to unstick these cards. This is insane. You know, what happened? Man at work, sort of. That's cool. It's a sticker. That's... that is cool. Everybody loves Al. Maybe it's those puppy dog eyes. Maybe it's his flair for putting Tim in his place. Maybe it's all that flannel.

Tool Times co-host can fix anything in the house or under the hood, but when it comes to women, Al never got the manual. Oh, man. It's great. Imagine going down in history as Al. Man, the 90s were something. Look at this, troll trading cards.

Just endless trash. GoldenEye trading cards. Dude, I'm telling you, Vito would have loved this store. I was just thinking he would have loved to have been an adult in this era where you can just produce endless trash with no thought of, you know. Yeah, again, people accusing you of gatekeeping. I would have let him in on this secret, but you know it's just it's already a dead store Okay one more Okay, ooh, I like this dick I've been exposed a lot of gross shit in my life

But yeah that woman talking about wiping her ass with a stick Yeah portable stick wiping ass. What the fuck, a portable ass wiping stick rather. Yeah. Oh my God, that was nauseating. I couldn't hide my disgust listening to this in the office. It was, people asked if I was okay. And I was like, no, I'm not.

Not okay. This woman is wiping her ass with a stick in public. I need a minute. Fuck, dude, disgusting. I wasn't even, oh my god. Well, you gotta assume too, she, that wand is only getting a percentage. It's almost like what's the point?

What's the point of what you're doing? Correct. So if that wand is getting a percentage, you can already assume that she is not a very clean person. So then how much of that wand that she then folds up has been correctly- Still has poop on it. Yes. Oh, God.

It's... They're- So she is carrying around a percentage- They're MacGyvering their own ass wiping and they're doing it really poorly. And then they're talking about it as though it's like a big hit, but they all have shit on their butts and all over yes everything it's really disgusting it's really a big problem fecal coated get it out of here and then if you don't let them in their car they're gonna sue you and the big company that you that you're a slave for

is gonna release a public statement on your unacceptable behavior because you didn't want an elephant of a cantankerous elephant with shit all over her ass in your new car for $12. This is not an animal transport vehicle, ma'am. You're going to have to call the zoo. Call the zoo. Yeah. Wild animal pocket.

Tell them to send a flatbed over here, slather you up in grease, and roll you onto the back of a flat. That's what you are, sir, if this ever happens to you, that's your opportunity to lay down the law. You have to hit them so hard that they don't sue you because they don't want this body cam footage ever played. You should have got on the phone with Joan Embry.

Who's that? The famous, she does stuff with animals. She's like animal rescue. Oh, she's animal rescue? I think she rehabs like zoo animals. Yeah, I'll give you a ride. Can you go spray your ass down with a hose? Let's walk over to the coin op car wash and I'm gonna stick that soap wand up your ass Because if it hasn't been cleaned in probably ten years

That's where we're gonna start and then I'll happily give you a ride anyway You just got a you just got to wash ass out, because it is full of shit. That... You fat, you big fat planet. Fuck you. And you have to assume too, if she's gonna sit on the back bench seat of your, whatever his car was... Uh-huh. She is mashing... The shit.

Right into the carpet. She's creating shit diamonds in your back seat. Just the audacity. And she's gonna go to court, and a bunch of dickheads wearing suits are gonna argue about everything that's not this woman covered in literal shit and stinking everywhere and grinding shit all over everything she touches and being a big ill-tempered whale. They're gonna talk about anything other than that. Mhm.

The indignant look on her face, even. The indignancy of it. I've been wronged. I've been wronged. There shouldn't be all this shit in my ass. There shouldn't be all this shit in my ass. I'm suing because this guy made me think about all the shit that's in my ass. Currently, yeah.

Currently, you big fat lard-ass loudmouth bitch. You big fucking idiot. That's why I stopped liking math. I'm like, there is a certain amount of shit in this seat now, huh? Fuck. They need a new policy. The policy cannot be abuse the drivers when they reject the patronage of a shit-stinking,

streaked monster. The policy is it should be a full full body shot of you and your avatar. Because if it's just your face, you can kinda tell. How does she have good reviews? Big fat lard-ass stunk up my car like shit. Big fat woman Yeah, how do you how do you get good reviews? I've gotten terrible reviews

So just for throwing up no big deal Yeah, all I did was throw up projectile like oh it was projectile vomit right when you pulled up It wasn't in your car man relax right in front of your car I didn't get any you're gonna be a bitch about it, too Yeah, that's why that's why I did in front of your car. It didn't get any on you. I knew you were gonna be a bitch about it, too. Yeah, that's why that's why I did it in front of you not in here. God. Now I got a 4.7 because that one fucking night Maybe times 10, but still It's bullshit

Hey, can I get in your hey, uh, uber? Hey, what's up? Can I get in your car? I have a bunch of poop all over myself. I stink like shit. I have poop all over myself. And I'm- Right this way, sir. Come right in. But don't worry, I don't tip.

Yeah, but don't worry about having to feel bad because I tipped you for this ride. I wonder if the guy's business went up. Happy Black History Month. You're the guy who said no to that fat bitch. Yeah, Brown. I wonder if his, I hope his business went up. I wish there was a way to reward him.

If Trump could bring him to the White House, nice clock, Ahmed. The health zone. Yeah, can RFK bring him in and give him a medal of freedom? Well, think about it too. Like they used to, in monasteries, allegedly, they would have certain bars,

where if you were too fat, you know, you didn't get lunch until you were skinny enough to fit through the bars. And it's like, you gotta think of, a car door can only be made so wide, you know? They should make anti-fat car doors. So it should be true. Yeah, you really can't fit in here. I got this new anti-fat Tesla, where... I'm telling you, every car is anti-fat. It just fakes a breakdown.

It detects the weight of... You know, they got all those dumb apps on that Tesla. It's a scale, yeah. Like ludicrous, whatever this stupid shitty Elon Musk likes. It measures the pitch of the car is tilting in when you get in. If you get in and you're over 400 pounds in a Tesla, it should mechanically Pretend like it's breaking down like the shocks should just cut out like a you know and the cars are going oh

I'm dying rolling around and Yeah, making weird sounds like in the Jetsons when something when a machine would yes Yeah, and the guys like whoa that lady has cars out of control backfiring Yeah, the electric cars back. She's like oh lordy. Oh lordy. I gotta get out of this car Happy black history month. See a fatness prevention fatness prevention mode Anti-fatty mode anti-theft I you can steal my car. We got a we got a renormalize Reminding fat people that they stink like shit. We don't want them in the car

For $12 now Driving over to Popeyes Grease all over the fucking car cuz you stink like shit lady Put it on put it on every you don't even have to discriminate by weight just Discriminate by stink like shit and guess what guess what's gonna happen? I'm using one of those particle meters and if it detects particles at a hundred yards Oh, you're out of here an AI stinkerator Analyzing your stinkitude because you stink like shit because you can't fucking shower because you don't fit in the shower if you have

strata of dried shit between your ass crevices Uh-huh You're gone. I need a shit detecting you need to take this shit detecting wand and wipe it over your ass You are going in the ocean We're driving straight to the ocean Going for a dip. Get out of here! Yeah. You whale? I got a bucket of krill I'm gonna throw into the ocean.

So roll your fat walrus ass in. You're going for a soak. You can strain it through your teeth. Oh. Like they're marshmallows. Just absolutely, just disgusting. Where is it? I gotta look at this woman again.

Where is she again? So fast she blew out all your ram. She's hiding from me. She blew out all my ram. Fat woman, Sue's lift. Here she is. Detroit Smoove. What's her name?

Oh wow. Oh, Dank DeMoss. Dank DeMoss. Well, that's what's growing under one of her knees. She's wearing Vonta black pants to hide the lymphedema. A whole lymphedema ass. On the front side even. How do you have a front and back lymphedema ass?

This hallway that she's in here is actually 10 feet wide. It's the Albert Hall she's standing in. Okay. Goodbye everybody. It's terrible just terrible get RFK in there get it straightening up these pigs slapping him around beat him up around slapping him around smack him in the face Charlotte's web theme song everywhere she's gonna get in there in court to be

a big flap even fatter black woman as a judge they may go oh hell no I think I'm like oh shit we were afraid of getting this change oh crap Ursula from the Little Mermaid Corps is really a thing these days okay goodbye for real bye everybody oh