The Dick Show - Episode 449 - Dick on Goygamel

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

Rugby, VIP liquor, a wedding gets messed up, a new single mom is born, Kanye's swastika shirts get refunded, the Vegas solar thing gets shut down, no more EBT soda, duelling vaccine experts write in, a VR game about having racist conversations, a fat woman steals my shopping cart, and Goygamel; all that and more on this episode of The Dick Show!

Record. Start recording. We, oh wow. Okay, Pro Tools is recording. Start recording. See if this is the tape days, you'd hit, you know, hit record and play. Yeah.

And then I'd be paranoid that every 13 minutes I'd have to spool up another one. Oh really? That's how it worked? It depends on how your tape speed. So if you're using 15 IPS, you only get 15 inches per second. Ooh. Or 30 IPS. That's how your tape speed. So if you're using 15 IPS, you only get 15 inches per second. Ooh.

Or 30 IPS. That's how they like it. That's how the ladies like it. 30 IPS is even better. 13 inches a second. Go jamming on in there, yeah. Log jamming. That's the move.

Yeah, the log jammer. Log jamming. We are log jamming today. It's a spicy episode, because 80's Girl's not here. So we can say whatever the hell we want. We can say whatever the hell we want. Ah, let's see, is it going? I think it's going. It's going! I've got a, oh I have to press go live.

Good one, got it. Gotcha, you bastard. There we go. Jamming. Mom's not home, yeah. Oh There we go Jamming mom's not home. Yeah. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy You know Kanye had to refund all of his swastika shirts really isn't that? Thought this was America. You know I wonder why I woke up to a thousand dollars back in my bank account Oh, did you yeah? Yeah? You know how many people hit me up asking to buy them a swastika shirt? Like I'm the fucking swastika middleman over here. I'm like, I have no interest in...

I have no interest in hooking you up with Kanye's swastika shirt. I don't care what the shipping policy is of the swastika shirt. Right. I was surprised that I had that too. Do you have a sign in front of my house that says swastika shirt storage? Yeah, this is the guy to reach out to yeah, seriously. Yeah, no I know FOMO well you're gonna have to Give FOMO go over there FOMO over there. I'm not buying a swastika shirt. You got to go mo. I Don't want one yeah, you want ten Well you guys are out of luck SLL to have to dust off the screen printer,

maybe pick up one of those big tagging markers, make your own swastika shirt at home. Yeah, if you get a big enough marker, that should be the same size, right? What the hell was that? See, whatever the hell we want, Johnny. We can say whatever the hell we want, man. We can say whatever the hell we want.

We can say whatever the hell we want. We right? What the hell was that? Uhhhh... See, whatever the hell we want, Johnny. We can say whatever the hell we want, man. I just cleaned this place and now I've got... I came in today with a chainsaw and I don't really remember cutting the table like this as I've done, but it was a good Vito's booty.

I might need a vice. I might need to use that chainsaw on this Vito plushie. How many plushies is too many for a man to make? Like Barney the dinosaur he probably had a limit of how many plushies is that audience would buy little babies what are men and plushie doing in the same sentence my friend mean you don't want a little cabbage patch a Cabbage patch would actually be a nostalgic quality product, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a garbage pail kit doll.

Right. That's just the garbage pail. What is that? What am I looking at there? It fills me with, um, with, uh, it disturbs me a little bit. Well, here's the thing, Dick, is you would think for a guy who has a color-correct screen that the beard would be the correct color, the hat would be the correct color. It's also not. It's all wrong. A guy who prides himself on everything being so right. Is this a warning sign?

Is this a red flag that I'm looking at? This? I don't think this is a good thing. I don't think that's a good thing at all. I don't know. I don't know. It's important. I'm more worried about this than I am the Chris Chan medallion sitting behind me. That I understand. This I don't know. I don't know. It's important. I'm more worried about this than I am the Chris-Chan medallion sitting behind me.

That I understand. This I don't understand. There's a second super killer plushie behind me. More super killer physical things, but no... Should they be in eye contact, like the Bride of Cheki? Do I need to put these things where they can't see each other? Like, Vito plushie's got to face this way? It has to stare at Vito until he actually finishes the comic the comic you have to stare at you like this the whole show I'm gonna take that hammer to the side of my own head if I put the lunchbox in the mix Will that have any effect on the magic? Do you think if I smash the lunchbox with a hammer that maybe the point will be?

Can this be destroyed can this thing that I'm holding can it be destroyed? I don't know will a new plushie take its place like the Babadook? Well, there's two more sitting behind me. See that Boblox one, that's dumb. But the Superkiller one... That's cool. But then this additional just the creator of Superkiller. (*Chuckles*)

Come on, man. Get it together, Vito. Come on, man, where's the fucking comic? Finish it. Finish the fucking comic. Why is there three different colors of gray? Before selling fucking toys. Stuffed animals. I can't take it!

There's something about it. That doesn't sparkle. Okay? It doesn't spark joy either. It doesn't spark joy! What's that from? That Japanese lady who tells you that everything in your house should get thrown away. Marie Kondo. Marie Kondo.

Can I see that little toy you brought in? Oh yeah, speaking of toys you'll enjoy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Kanye had to refund all the money for his swastika shirts, but Burger King is producing little gargamels like this? Do I have that right? Where Gargamel is for some reason 300 pounds and he's hunched over like a certain meme,

rubbing his hands together exactly like that meme. And I was like, huh, why are his eyes yellow? Why my girlfriend pointed that out? Cause we just wanted some Burger King, right? Yeah. And sure enough- Wait, 2024? This is- Is this Gargamel?

Is this a different- This is- This should not have been made in 2024. That's what I'm saying. This is very offensive. I wonder what Burger King meant by this. What the hell? 2024?

So it turns out Gargamel has a brother. Goyle-Gamel? Goy-Gamel, yeah. His nose is longer than his arm. So I'm like why is he Chinese Mexican and some other fur man chew mustache kind of thing here He's every he's every racial stereotype. They should have given him big pink lips. It's You know, yeah, so I Couldn't help me. No, I'm digging through my bag. Whatever and I reach in and I see this I'm like, oh I couldn't help you know I'm digging through my bag whatever and I reach in and I see this I'm like oh

It's Gargamel that I look closer. Yes this I get all right. I am so what that was loud about this that I don't know what this is exactly that sparks joy Sparks a lot of joy. All right, let's do the episode Another good day. It's another good day. It's another good day. Yeah. You want to take what you need, you can get it. It's a show from this contest coming live from Mount and Bunker Deep in the heart of the city.

I'm your host, Tick Mashen, aka the $20 million man. Joining me back in black is Johnny the Audio Engineer with his brag of tricks. With my brag of tricks and my not color correct shirt. What in God's name is this? Have you ever been to a rugby game? No. I went to a rugby game last night.

You know what's funny about rugby? I've been hearing this from rugby guys. It's really, it's so much fun. Maybe it's just because it's a novelty and you know I've seen maybe two or three rugby games in my life, but I found myself engaged in it the whole time. There wasn't the obnoxious like waiting around for something to happen like there seems to be in every other sport. I don't know why that is. There's no TV probably. There's no commercialization of it. So it's just like 40 minutes pause, 40 minutes pause.

But I love about rugby is every time you talk to anybody who's into it, their sole focus is how to get the game bigger. Like we need to, somehow we need to really catch on. And I'm like, this guy, a friend of mine, friend of a friend, he's met us there, he was the photographer at the game. He's like, yeah, you know, we just really gotta figure out

a way for this thing to catch on, right? I don't know what it is, and I'm like, buddy, you know, we just really got to figure out a way for this to for this thing to catch on right? I don't know what it is. And I'm like buddy. Let me stop you right there. I've been hearing that from ugly guys for 20 years this is never catching on this is gonna be the year Linux takes over dick Yeah, I don't I don't know what it is something about the size of the of the white men and this is something about it There's something about it that just doesn't that doesn't appeal to the American audience They think where the hell are these white where the hell are these getting these white men this size? about it that just doesn't appeal to the American audience. They think, where the hell are these getting these white men this size? I don't know what it is.

But it's never going to work. I walked up to the rugby game, which is at UCLA, and I had a little bit of a buzz going, and I realized, oh shit, they're probably not going to have liquor at a college campus, right? Oh shit. They're probably not gonna have liquor at a college campus, right? Oh shit. Right? Oh, I'm like, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this over? Uh-oh, I messed up. I need help. I need help. I need help, right? No flask? No, no flask. I didn't think.

What kind of alcoholic are you? I know, I didn't think of it in advance, or I would've had a flask on each thing. You know, like I'm smuggling money inside. Like, Wolf of Wall Street. So we go in, and I'm kinda freaking out, but I'm not letting it be known that I'm freaking out, because I don't wanna get that kind of reputation. I don't wanna worry my pregnant girlfriend.

I said, okay, I don't know, you think they're gonna have any beer or anything? Maybe just a beer. Maybe just a beer would be nice if they had this like... Ooh, okay, okay. Calm down. Calm down. It's just a couple hours, right? It's just a couple hours. Maybe the game will be exciting enough, right? You don't need any... you don't need any liquor to pass the time. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Now we turn the corner as I'm asking to get in and I see a giant 10-foot inflatable beer. You know, like a 10. I'm like, oh man, oh, thank Christ, right? Thank God, I go over there and I say,

I say to the lay, I get closer and closer and I see the shimmering bottles of liquor behind the, besides the giant 10 foot inflatable beer. And I think, oh God, oh, thank God. Now I'm planning it out in my head. I'm planning the day's consumption, the night's, two hours of consumption. Like, okay, first I'll, oh God, oh thank God. Now I'm planning it out in my head. I'm planning the day's consumption, the night's, two hours of consumption. Like, okay, first I'll start with this.

Then I'll, you know, first I'll start with a whiskey. Then I'll come back for a double. Then maybe I'll get some spiced it up with a beer. You know, IPA, maybe they got a heff in there. Let's see what happens. And I get there and I go, all right, I'd like your finest whiskey diet, please. And she goes, oh, the liquor is,

you're not allowed to buy liquor unless you're a VIP. And I said, excuse me? I'm sorry, I've heard, I just heard something that I've never heard before in my life. She goes, well you can, you can buy a beer. I said, okay, I want the, I would like a whiskey. I diet. She goes, no that's, are you a VIP? I say, yeah She goes well, you don't have the lanyard. I said I dropped the lanyard She goes I don't think you're a VIP you can only you can only buy beer like you're mean to tell me that You have the prices out in front of Everyone and you have all and you've got a I mean you've got a what looks like my liquor cabinet Where is the liquor just sitting here? There's only a hundred people at this game.

Like this is not, this is rugby we're talking about. It's a very niche, very weird, you know, it doesn't appeal to Mexicans, doesn't appeal to black people, it doesn't appeal to white people who like to pretend that they're slave owners and watch black people beat the hell out of each other. It's a very small segment of people

that this sport appeals to and they're all here. You're telling me that you can't spare one shot of... And they're laughing, right? And I said, honestly, I'm telling you, I've never felt so dehumanized in my life. I think that I'm about to buy that beer and then step onto a train car and go to Auschwitz. I've never, never in my life have I, never in my life could I imagine something just so deliberately, deliberately and obtusely dehumanizing than what you're doing to me right now. And she goes, well, I mean, she goes,

well, don't tell anybody, but I could sell you a shot if you have cash. And I said, well, don't tell anybody, but I could sell you a shot if you have cash. And I said, darling, why? Because I'm poor? Because I'm like a poor, non-VIP, poor, some schmuck, some shithead, some sloppy, some non-VIP, some N-VIP? That's so shots are good for me so I can just get wasted as quickly as possible. I'll have a beer, thank you.

And I don't want to do a cash under the table liquor transaction here. I'll just have the beers. And now I'm upset that I'm having a beer, right? I went from, Oh God, please God, I hope they have beer too. You're- I'll- I'll drink this if I have to, but I'm not happy about it because you've teased me with this liquor that appeared that no one is buying. It's a bunch of like old white wasps Walking around no one is no one is ordering this special VIP liquor, okay? Well if you have the beer in your hand you're signaling to everyone there that you're a little bit I'm a fucking loser that can't pay. I don't even know why I don't even know how much the VIP tickets cost $35 instead of $30. I don't know, but I didn't have one whoever bought them didn't pay for one so I

Get my beer and then now I'm angrily drink right now. I'm like you have messed up my calculus I came in here wanting to happily drink and Enjoy myself, but now you have messed me up now I have to sit there and try to scheme of a way to get the slicker and I did try every time I was like Oh, yeah, that lady I was with I'm with her. That's my mom So just kidding me, but they know cuz I threw such a big fit They know now they think it's funny to not give it to me And then after the game I we go talk to the guy the photographer who's a friend of ours there

And he's like oh, well, we really go to make this. I don't know how we I don't know how But we go to make rugby more More accessible get rid of VIP to everyone we got I don't know if it's the announcer the board Or the you know the rules or something like that. I said well. Let me let me ask you something Do you know that the liquor that they've got a prank liquor over there that they're teasing everyone with why don't we start there? How about you start with selling booze to any anybody then like in America anybody that wants some how about that how about you start there there's a single venue I've been to where they're like we

don't want to make money actually I couldn't believe it that's for VIPs only. What? I'm important. V-I-D's nuts. V-I-D's nuts, you bitch. Yeah. You can't foul a beer drinking time. You just can't. Like, when you have to angrily drink a beer. Oh, it's the worst. It's the worst, you know? That bitter beer, because you don't even feel it.

You don't get the buzz from it. You just drink it because you're like, well, I got to torment myself with this terrible taste. Am I angry or am I buzzed? I can't tell anymore because they're very similar feelings. Yeah, I've got to drink twice as many beers. And then later we're leaving and I'm walking around looking for the bathroom

and then trying to figure out how something to steal. I was like, that woman messed, that stupid woman with her, she's like, well, that's the policy. You are just a lady sitting there with an infinite amount of liquor. What the hell are you talking about policy? This is what I'm saying about the Auschwitz train card. You understand, that's the connection I'm making

that you guys aren't getting, because you're laughing. You're laughing. You're laughing You're laughing at it, but you wouldn't do it. You're laughing I'm I am an important person and you're laughing. I'm getting sent to Auschwitz and you're laughing, right? You're sending me to Auschwitz and you're laughing about it You didn't do the all lean in and just I just need enough for my stomach stuff. I just need a medical shot, please. I don't want a shot.

Don't, come on. Patronize me now. Don't patronize me with your shot shit. I just need a shot. Is this the behavior of someone who needs a shot? No! I need a drink! I need a smooth, refreshing, not a shot.

I'm not here to get amped up. I'm not drinking on the clock here God drinking off God forbid somebody feel a little bit sophisticated have a nice sip of a Maybe I want to gin and tonic and get into the sport of whatever this get into the Spirit of things with this game that America hates said as we non-VIPs drinking beers right now. Absolutely outrageous. How was your Valentine's Day? Did you have a good Valentine's Day? I got water thrown in my face.

By whom? By my girlfriend. Angrily? Angrily. Oh, what happened? What did you do? Well, Dick, you know, they say the best laid plans are mice and men. Yeah, yeah, I got one of those stories

from Valentine's Day. So I booked this beautiful place, you know, one of the most picturesque, you know, they do weddings there all the time. Okay. Go to this nice winery. Yeah. We get there and they park us way the fuck

in butt fuck Egypt. So we're in God knows where barely make it. What do you mean they? You didn't valet it? You get a park? They didn't even have valet because it was so cold. What kind of a place is this? This is like a beach.

Beautiful winery. Oh, beautiful winery. Beautiful winery. Oh, okay. Typically, except that night. What is it then? It overbooked it or some shit. So we get up there.

We're both kind of miserable because it's cold as fuck. We're like least they got plenty inside. Okay. Yeah get there. No sitting everyone outside We show up all the employees are in windbreakers. We kind of look at each other like mmm. This isn't going so right It's not fancy enough No, because it's so fucking so cold. It's so cold. Okay, everyone's dressed like they're going on an Arctic expedition Here we are dressed nicely. Not warmly. Nice. Okay.

It's cold. It's been cold. It's been cold. So we finally get out there. There's more patio heaters than the sun, but it's still cold. I hate those things, you know? I fucking hate those things. And you're tall.

I'm tall. So it must be extra bad for you. It's like cooking a bald spot into my head every time there's a patio heater I'm afraid I'm gonna turn into fire marshal bill every time I fucking walk past Terrified and you've got Samoan hair which I imagine is flammable. It's just quite flammable Yeah, I'll turn into a volcanic god right in front of everybody not prepared for it. So finally there the music is too loud Too bad. Okay, you know you think Valentine's Day, some asshole with like, playing jazz guitar quietly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, erotically. Let's everyone get in the mood for some penetrating here.

Not a bunch of drunk boomers playing free falling like they're playing for the crowd, not for. Like Tom Pet, like cover band stuff? Yeah, just really bad. So that's all right. There's a lot of bad things going and I just feel her hand tighten in my hand and I'm going Oh

Boy, I'm already starting the gears are turning like we're gonna have to about face Yeah, get to the table and they sit us next to these fucking old people who are judging us the whole time Uh-huh close enough to where I could have reached over and started grabbing croutons off Yeah, there's got to be some kind of legal minimum for table separation. The $100 pizza restaurant down the street from us that they sat us in, it was like, I mean, it was like, you could slide a piece of paper

between the tables and that was it. So now we're sitting there getting stared at by these. It's impossible to either have a conversation or join their, like, it feels like you're at a picnic table everything about this is unenjoyable the winds blowing and I see the look on her face and I had just I Just know right you get that once you get that look, you know, you're in for a night. Yeah, so I go Okay, let's defuse this a little bit. I lean over to her and I go. Hey you say why don't you calm down? Said you better sit your fucking silly at now.

I said, tell you what. This place is sucking right now. Why don't we make a little scene? I'm going to pour water into my glass and then yours. And you go ahead and just throw it in my face. I've always wanted to see it in person, right? OK. So fill in my glass.

We're just trying to play it off yeah like fuck this like let's show these assholes how bad this was right it's important her glass and before I lean all the way back she grabs hers swishes and goes are you fucking serious right now? I go what what the fuck and so she gets up and starts hauling ass towards the door I'm like bang! And the old people were judging you. They knew you were bad. Yeah so then I start going after knew. They knew you were bad. Yeah.

They knew you were bad seats. So then I start going after, it's Valentine's Day. I can't get the door forward, too. So we walked past all the people who had just let us in and sat us down. They're confused. We get out and we just start cracking up. We're like, man, fuck this place. Let's go back.

Did you dodge the bill with this tech? We dodged everything. You're like, wow, you are a bad guy. We didn't even get served anything. It was just water. Okay. But we didn't get charged for the reservation fee or any of that.

It was like, okay, cool. Cause we did technically show up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then we got back to the air BV, had some pizzas. We watched, are we there yet? And a white chick. With ice cube? Yeah.

I forgot there was some shit in there that was like, huh. Good for you. That sounds like fun. Yeah. I was supposed to get married on Valentine's Day. That's a curse. Why would you do that? I think maybe God intervened.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, you know, we're having a kid. I feel like I don't need to explain it in a son. Yeah. You sure it wasn't a woman. Us and Elon Musk are having a kid. Did you see that? I did see that.

That little hoe, that conservative hoe that he knocked up? I mean, I've just been seeing your tweets about it. I just kind of glaze over when I'm on Twitter. It's totally insane. There is like these men, full-grown men, are repeating, are acting like their girlfriend just married the first round, or got knocked up by the first round NBA draft pick and she's going on Maury to do a tell-all interview about it. Like they're all saying, yeah, she got the bag.

She's set for life. I'm like, guys, am I like the last man on earth that thinks being set for life is not being a single mom of a child that's never gonna see their fucking dad Do you think like if you if you purposefully create a child and leave it and leave it in a prison and leave it with a woman Unmitigated and unprotected by any male influence you deserve to go to fucking prison for that, bro You you put you put a little child a little baby

With a woman for 18 years Prison life in prison now that kid is every that kid first of all is suffering on Unimagin unimaginably to me there I'm sure there are listeners who grew up in this situation were put in this situation by somebody But then they know exactly what it was like but to me unimaginable. And an E-girl no less. An E-celebrity no less. This is just madness. One after the other, men who are... I thought fucking conservatives are going,

oh this is amazing, well you're set for life now. A trust fund is not a father. I don't know why. I mean, I started questioning myself because I'm seeing everybody like, wait a minute, he has no dad. What are you guys talking about? Do you? This isn't this isn't good behavior. This is bad behavior. What's happening? This is TV. This is trash TV behavior. This is an episode of Jerry Springer behavior! What are you celebrating? What have you done? You've done something very bad! And now my kid has to deal with it!

This is the cosmic joke, right? Okay, well, I don't know why but people people have asked me like old is what are you now? That you're you know now that you're having a kid Has it changed any of your thoughts on this stuff? And my thought is I just can't imagine having the the number one way to protect your kid is getting rid of all the Psychos that are not, right? That's step one, yeah, we gotta,

yeah, this, get rid of them, get rid of, this is a horrible curse, this is a horrible curse. What you've put in, what you've done to this little kid and what you've put in there, I read her tell all, and maybe we'll read some of it, but she's like, I haven't even taken my kid outside because I wasn't allowed to by Elon. Elon was so worried that it would cause a spectacle and get seen, so haven't even taken my kid outside because I wasn't allowed to by Elon. Elon was so worried that it would cause a spectacle

and get seen. So I haven't taken the kid outside. And I'm thinking babies love, they love outside. They will freak out if they don't go outside. This is, this is- Growing people freak out if they don't go outside. Yeah. Prisoners get to go outside.

This is, this is totally insane. So we were supposed to get married on Valentine's Day. We were like, all right, I proposed over Christmas. And I'm like, all right, you're not going back to work. Which is, it's really, I know a lot of people, not everyone has the ability to not work with a kid, which is really like, it's really, it's sad. Like I hear about people having kids, women having kids

and then going back to work in like four months. I think, oh man, that's- Too soon. That sucks, man. That, you try not to be judgmental about it, but it is like- At least you try not to I am just am well Yeah, there's no way to even say if you're saying that sex you it's kind of like you kind of calling them a bad parent

Mm-hmm, you know, she's like, yeah Yeah, it's hard to even it's hard to even weigh in on it without being judgmental of the the person which I'm not trying To be like, you know life's rough and you have you to work. Like you have to work to eat, right? But you can still be judgmental too. You have to put comics out, right? You know, that's the world. Yeah, that actually deserves judgment. But it's really like, and I feel so grateful and thankful

that we're in a spot where my wife doesn't have to go back to work. And it's all because of the fans of this show make it possible for her to stay home and raise our son, which is an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and relief. Like life's very hard when you don't have that, when you don't have a safety net like that, or when you can't do these things. And it's, you know, everyone is just a tiny bit away

from that. Yeah. So anyway, anyway, we're getting married. And we say, well, let's, you know, we're not, we don't want to do like a big, we're not, we're not 40. So wedding's kind of a young person thing. Right? Right.

We say, let's just go to the courthouse. So she sets it all up. She fills out a big form. Like, you know, you gotta give your blood type and your penis length and stuff like that. All your email. It's the same form, I think, that you have to fill out for the, when you get the government-assisted suicide

in Canada, I'm pretty sure. Similar thing that you're doing. Immigration paperwork to Canada? That, ironically, no. There's just a checkbox. No, I mean, in that it is suicide paperwork, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she fills it all out,

and this is at the beginning of the year, I proposed over Christmas, on Christmas. And she goes, well, when do you wanna, let's get married on Valentine's Day, you know, why not? And I'm thinking, yeah, that's fun, easy to remember. So she goes through it all, does it all. And then recently last week, she gets an email saying like, oh, your paperwork fucked up,

so your reservation's canceled. It's like, what the hell? And I mean, my first thought is, you can't fill out a paperwork? Like, like, you know, you can't say, you learn, and you learn over your life to not say your first thought, especially when it's, you mean to tell me you can't fill out, you couldn't say, you learn, and you learn over your life to not say your first thought, especially when it's, you mean to tell me

you can't fill out, you couldn't fill out the paperwork properly. I'm thinking, look, all that had to do was your paperwork had to be filled out and somehow it didn't work, so. If you say it and then you try it and then it gets rejected, then you're an even bigger asshole. Right, right. Right.

And the benefit, you gotta weigh, life is, especially with women, it's a daily, almost by the second cost-benefit analysis of the things that come out of your mouth. You know, America's free speech, but relationships not. The opposite. Yeah. Deep-seek doesn't work as fast as I can figure out those calculations. Right, right. That's the Turing test. It's not if it can fool midwits and retarded people into like, thinking it's real.

It's if it can, it cannot piss off a woman. Like, go for it. And tell the computer that you filled out the paperwork and somehow it got messed up. Let's see what the computer says. You must have filled out the paperwork and somehow it got messed up. Let's see what the computer says. You must have filled out the paperwork. Whoa! Oh, big mistake! Because the benefit's not worth it, I'm saying.

The smugness that I get out of it is not... I'm like, I can enjoy this privately myself. I don't need you to validate, right? So I'm like, well, you know, I say the scariest, what are the words in the five words in the English language to women, why don't you call them? Right? They're having a problem or something, why don't you call them? So she calls them and the guy walks her through it and he says like, okay did you fill out the paperwork? And I can I can I can hear the town

I'm like put on speakerphone. I can hear it is I can hear in his voice He's thinking the same thing right, but he knows too. We know you know he knows not to say anything I know that's anything and he goes well I'm looking at your reservation or whatever the rejected reservation for Valentine's Day and The number the number that you put in for your marriage certificates, it's all fucked up. And I'm like, I knew it. You didn't. And I don't want to say it on the phone, right? Because I need you to go away. I'm like, okay buddy, I need you to go away for a little bit,

because this is going to be a big deal. This is going to be a big... I told you, like, you fucked up your wedding, right? HAHAHAHAHAHA Because you put the wrong- What did you put in there? BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP, you know? Who the fuck- How many fucking forms have you filled out online every day and you didn't- you fucked this one up? How's that fucking possible, right? What did you put in there? A, B, E, Q, like what did you put your name in? What are you-

And he's like, yeah, you're supposed to put your name in? What are you? He's like yeah you're supposed to put your marriage certificate, your marriage license number in the reservation. You got to put that number, the certificate number in the box to get the reservation and I can hear, you know, I can tell as soon as we hang up he's gonna say oh what a fucking idiot, right? Well, you know. So I'm kind of like, part of me is, part of me is, I'm sad, because it's fun to get married on Valentine's Day, and I'm sad for her, but part of me is like, oh, this is even a better an- now every year's gonna be the anniversary when you fucked up the wedding!

This is amazing! That's a retribution for is there blood in the fetus. Yeah. Um, so she goes, um, she goes, no, I put it, I put it in right. And I'm like, oh, okay, we're going down. Okay. We're going down this one. So he goes, okay, we'll, we'll bring it up. She goes, I put exactly what's on the email.

And he goes, uh, well bring up the email. It shouldn't, the guy says, look, it's the, the license, the wedding license, the marriage license, whatever it's supposed to start with like one, two, like one, two, three, you know, they go in order, right? It's just like, it's one, two, three. So she goes, I don't know, he reads it to her and it's like three, five Batman symbol wing things, all these weird things. She goes, I put exactly what was on the email.

And both me and the guy are like, you know, we can't see each other, but we're like, all right. The mind link. Like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like paramecium and stuff. I feel like I can go mm-hmm So she goes no, I'll bring it up she opens email and I'm like I'm looking I'm like, oh, I can't wait I can't wait to see what it actually was. Yeah, she opens up the email and sure enough It was fucked up. She reads it She's like that's what it says and he goes Both of us at the same time

Huh? Really so Maybe God did that for me or Satan I don't know either one but they somehow do some town maybe a cosmic ray Hit the database and changed a bit like that Mario 64 speedrun. Yeah. Yeah sure enough the certificate number was Well, she entered it right and it was totally wrong and the guy goes I just looked it up that number doesn't exist in the system It's about it's about two billion numbers off. So you're gonna have to start over.

And she goes, well, okay, but the reservation says it got canceled. So what do I do then? He goes, well, do it again, get a correct number. And then I'll see if, you know, I'll see if there's a reservation spot available, right? And now I'm like, now that sinking realization is like oh shit Now it really now

She really did get fucked. This is I can tell in his voice This is he has no he has no magic wand to make reservations appear disappear, right? So she fills it out gets the same exact email, exact everything, correct number, starting with a 1, exactly like, totally, like I'm looking at them side to side going, no, there's no way, something must have, you must have clicked the wrong thing, but absolutely nothing. So she goes, okay, I got the new one, it's this, and he goes, oh, there's no reservation. So she's like, okay. And I'm like, oh no. Now it's my fault. Cause I, as soon as she says, she's like, okay, thanks.

Well, you've been a lot of help. It hangs up. And as she hangs up, I'm like, oh no, this is my fault. Cause I told her to call. And I'm like, you know, running out the door. Right? I got to get out of here. Right? I'll see you.

I'm going to go to Moe's. Ah! I got to get out of here. Ah! And I feel his icy claw come chasing after me as I'm running down the street and grabs my hair. Get over here. Get over here.

I'm being pulled right through my heart. I'm like, oh! My heart's in my hands. As I'm bleeding out in the street, I'm being pulled back in. She's like, you, oh, my heart's in my hands. As I'm bleeding out in the street, I'm being pulled back in. She's like, you told me to call. That was a big waste of time. I knew it was a big waste of time.

I could have just... And I'm like, okay, I gotta fix this. So I go, oh, Eureka, I know. Eurethra. Eurethra. Ah, I know. I think I remember when Jesse Lee Peterson was here years ago and he was trying to talk us into getting married

and having white babies. And I was like, oh, okay, shut up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And he's like, no, serious, you do it. I'll even marry you. So I said, you know what, pull it up my computer. Hey, Jesse Lee Peterson, you might not remember me, that you said you would do this.

So, you know, click email, bing, right away. Yep, how about this date? I'm like, oh. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. Amazing. So I said, honey! You like apples? I couldn't believe it. I saw that second email coming, I was like, I'm sure this is gonna be...

What the hell? It's totally different. And his reaction was, huh, well, you know, I guess that's too bad. That's the brakes That's the brakes lady Reach through your phone and strangle someone at that point. I yeah, I think that's a big part of that's a big part of the decrepitation of The service industry is being so far away from the people you're delivering bad news. We need a mole in every institution

that we can activate like a sleeper cell, like Reggie Jackson, you know, I must kill the queen, except like, okay, yeah, hold on. And then you page like maybe the Israeli, maybe Masad can set this up somehow. You text a pager and he's like, oh yeah, I got that guy, I know him. And he just walks up to you at work and slaps you.

Telling you the first person to send a punch through TCPIP, multi gazillionaire. One that they can't avoid. It's probably illegal. I don't know. I made that CE thing on electronics. Charge a premium for it. So there you go.

There you go. Hell of a Valentine's Day for both of us. Best of Valentine's. Yeah. I forgot about the ending to White Chicks. I always forget about the ending to it every time. Is that with Terry Crews? Yes.

He says Molly and does gay stuff? Yeah. Yeah. And then he's more upset at the end that he's Damon Waynes and not actually white. Oh, yeah. I don't think I've ever seen the end of that movie. I either get bored if I'm sober and turn it off,

go away, or I black out. If I'm not sober. We definitely blacked out after that, yeah. Kung Pao, Enter the Fist was the same way. I had never seen that movie all the way through because I would either black out or get bored. Yeah, once it gets to the cow scene, it's just kind of like, oh, okay, it's not.

Yeah. It's no longer entertaining. The best part is when he's choking on the fly the whole time. Open them, that's the best part. Open the mouth. Let's shut it off, that's good. Okay, so Ashley St. Clair had Elon Musk's baby. No, Dick, maybe I'm old enough to actually remember this,

but I remember when single motherhood was like the biggest problem in the universe. You know what's crazy is? Like that's how we got to where we are now in society is because of the overwhelming amount of single mothers. Yeah, it's a real, it's a real. Now here we are, the horseshoe hit the other side. We're like, oh, this is a great thing.

I don't, you probably don't remember this. Murphy Brown. I do. You remember when Murphy Brown got pregnant on the show, she might've been pregnant in real life, I don't know, but she got pregnant on her show and Dan Quayle, staunchly conservative Christian Republican Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton's vice president, said it was like horrible. It's like, that really sucks what you're doing.

I'm not, it's not very Christmassy, Murphy Brown. No. What you're doing. I'm not It's not very Christmassy Murphy Brown. No what you're doing. Mm-hmm. You shouldn't do that if you if it happens to you You know, I we wish the best for you. Yeah, and now we've reached the other side of it all. It's awesome Yes, what a world get that money get that money like no, no, no, no, no, wait a minute Wait a minute. Get that money is not a good value. No get that money is actually the worst value that you guys could possibly have. Uh, maybe I can pull up some of these pictures and it's so trashy. But I guess they all, they all want the retweets. They all want Elon bucks. It's interesting, she says, it's interesting that Elon is responding to this clearly ingest

screenshot. She says it's interesting that Elon is responding to this clearly ingest screenshot Yeah, Milo posted a an old tweet that Ashley St. Clair had like implying that she would get not pregnant by Elon Well, she's obviously joking like she says something like well, he's he goes through women pretty fast and he's got this weird Breeding fetish like he's knocked up all these women with with IVS crisper shit weird Which I kind of wanted to do You know, but some weird Gattaca kid Yeah

I wanted to have like a Gattaca kid and I thought maybe you know, we'll try it the old-fashioned way and then Well, I'm gonna stop, you know trying it the old-fashioned way I've only ever tried it the only old-fashioned way You haven't tried new sex. No what I didn't know there was such a thing. Still rolling up dirt weed, man. Come on. You haven't, really? I still throw dirt in the pussy, you know, like... Just a handful, yep. Yeah.

Pocket sand. Yeah, throw a little pocket sand in there. Pocket pussy sand. Oh, is that saying? Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, is that saying? Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, yeah, she's joking about it. Oh, yeah, he's doing all this weird crisper shit. Which I thought it would be cool to try.

Like, all right. What's the ticket on that? I don't know. What do you, how much do you think it is? 50 grand? Probably more than that. A genetically engineered baby? Yeah, maybe it's like a hundred. I don't know, once you start getting into that kind of territory they just charge it like it's

fucking going to your insurance or something yeah something about it seems to it seems like not enough control like all right so you try to like high IQ max your kid or something but then what if they're like miserable because they're like what if they're just miserable? Imagine being so smart and having being raised by a single mother. I guess that's where Hitler came from, right? Yeah. And young Sheldon, I think. Ooh.

I don't know which was worse. Well, we still have to see young Sheldon. Yeah. That's still on the airwaves. Now, so Elon like said, whoa to that, which was weird. And she says, it's interesting that Elon is responding to this clearly ingest screenshot that was discussed with his team months ago in a documented call. That's that's pretty good family values if you're having documented calls with your baby daddy. Mm-hmm. That's probably the kid's gonna be fine, right?

Schedule time? I mean, he's got the trust fund, so, you know, when has a shitload of money ever caused someone who's a fucking nightmare for everyone, right? When has an angry young man with a shitload of money ever caused a problem for everyone? Can't, gee, can't even imagine. This would probably be the first time in history. Oh, hi, Maddie

Now he decides to to respond to it publicly From an account that posted underage photos of me as if he wasn't asking me to have more children last week Is there like I'm too distracted by this beautiful dog Our door was open yesterday somebody came home and didn't shut the door all the way And we're in here for somebody who isn't me. Yeah Yeah, usually yeah, we're in here. We're in the other room folding clothes You know for doing laundry. I thought I'd give it a shot Usually, yeah, we're in here, we're in the other room folding clothes,

you know, for doing laundry. I thought I'd give it a shot. I've never, you know, see what all the fuss is about. So I just hang everything up. I found out that the clothes just don't fold themselves. You don't just snap your fingers? The dog comes in and she's like just standing there with her tail like down, acting all weird, going like, just staring.

Like, what is your like what is your what is your deal and she's liked it the whole time and then I walked out and see the door open like oh you were trying to communicate something is wrong she's like uh there's something going on upstairs I don't know how to tell you this but this is the only thing I know how to do it she's like that portal is open thing is that thing is open where guys, the mailman's always there. You gotta do something about this man. I would like to take this offline for our child's sake

and have been attempting to do so for weeks. Vicarious gold diggers, that's what these guys are. The security team on Elon's own platform locked the account. He is now, oh my God, okay. Amazing. People are calling her crazy. This is all just... It's all very amusing.

No one just closes the app anymore and goes about their day. In order to get customer service on anything now, you have to raise a big stink on Twitter to bypass the great Indian firewall that runs all customer service or whatever you want to call it. By the way, if you ever need good customer service

in like a Home Depot or a Lowe's or anything like that, light up a cigarette. If you need to find something in Home Depot, you will never find an associate. You light up a cigarette and five people will come out and tell you you can't smoke that cigarette. And you go, oh, well now that you're here, could you get that fucking thing all the way

up there for me? Yeah. Can you tell me where the sockets are? Mm-hmm. So always keep cigarettes on you in case you need good customer service because you will find it. That's good advice. Good Johnny tip.

Let's see. Is that it? Is that what this Elan thing? So you got to secure the bag. That's all right. It's not about conservative values, not about family. It's not about- It's not about bettering anything. It's not about bettering anything or raising well-adjusted kids, it's just about securing

the bag. That's what... Get the fucking bag. You gotta get the bag. That's perverse. At least liberals think they're doing something nice. They're fucked. Yeah.

But... The comic might not come out, but... At least he's trying to make a comic. At least he's trying, you know, something. It's not a scam. You know? Definitely not a scam. You're telling me you're using kits to get the bag?

Do you know how... That's way more fucked up than all the stuff you guys are talking about. All the LGBT in school shit? You're talking about you had a kid on purpose to get rich? That's fucked! Well, see, all that happened because of single mothers and now we're lotting it We're gonna get a whole other cycle of that if we keep it up. Demented. Um, oh a fat woman stole my shopping cart Yeah, I forgot about that. Did she eat it?

I don't know how she wandered into the store and then decided she needed a shopping cart and then stole mine. Maybe I'll- I have to hear about this. I went into the produce section and then decided she needed a shopping cart and then stole mine. Maybe I'll... I have to hear about this. I went into the produce section. And then you found a fat woman in the produce section? I highly doubt that. I'm gonna press X to doubt on that one. Well, it was all rainy, right?

So I'm getting... Yeah, she was just... This is a black lady, her hair was wet, she was like, oh, I gotta get out! She found, and then she came to in the produce section, she was like, like a werewolf. How'd I get here? Oh, mercy, when all these vegetables come from.

Oh, no. God damn vernacular out there. What did you say last week right here? It's like the ring of power or something? Oh yeah. What were you talking about? When someone fucks up a word. When someone fucks up a word, yeah.

And then it's like immediately if they're sitting, wherever they're sitting, it's just you and I making this eye contact of like. It's like wearing the ring of power. It's only we see, yeah like, oh yeah, they fucked up. Yeah, they fucked up. Like. Oh.

I still haven't said bully correctly. You know, it's just kind of one of those things. Miscellaneous. Yeah, miscellaneous. Ah, there's just too many good ones. I love, you know what I do on the biggest problem? If Vito ever messes up a word, I give him a worse pronunciation.

Like I'll go, that's not how you pronounce it. It's pronounced, and then I give him an even more fucked up pronunciation. That's even better. Someone told me that they had a fruitian slip one day and I thought I was having a fucking stroke I was like, you mean is it not

Newtonian fruit? What's going on here? Like I was so confused I keep the morphoish you applied to Who's the guy that always had dicks in his nose? Sigmund Freud, okay, what was his methodology called? Fruitian, like what. Sigmund Freud. Okay. And what was his methodology called? Uh, Fruity and like what? Sigmund Freud?

Sigmund Freud. I'm like that's... Freud? Um, yeah, I, I don't know. I don't know why. Well, I guess I do now. People are always going through the produce section with their carts, jamming everything up.

Like there's no, you don't need to have your cart in front of the tomatoes and then in front of the, like you can leave it in one spot. Go get three things and then go back pretty fast, right? Well, if you're using the cart as a cane, you need to... But this is just me. This is like, this is why I don't fit in life. It's that, it's the people that are standing right at the baggage check instead of just everybody stands five feet back and then hop up and get your Maybe it's the difference. Maybe that's why America doesn't like rugby just like go look you see this produce section all these fat fucks

With their hands like a death grip on their cart walking it from carrots to potatoes like in these tight-ass spaces That's why rugby's not catching on here. So I leave my cart and then go grab a couple, I must've been gone for 30 seconds. And I turn around and my cart's gone and I do a quick scan and some fat plaque woman has stolen my, is just using the cart. I know it's mine cause it had a weird thing hanging off the back and I'm thinking... do I want to have

an alter... do I want to get... how bad do I want this card? On a scale of zero to ah hell no. I said ah hell no! I saw her, big fat black woman, carrying my card, it had nothing in it. You walk up and say listen listen, Mrs. Popo, you give me that back. I should have walked up behind her and gone, whoop, whoop. Right? Oh, hello. No, I was thinking of the Dragon Ball Z character. Mr. Popo, right?

I never watched that show. I don't know Dragon Ball Z. I don't either. I tried to watch it. It was just a guy running down a road for like two episodes. What the fuck is this? That whole show, from what I can surmise, is it's about a guy who can destroy one planet, and then he meets a guy that can destroy ten planets,

and then that guy meets a guy that can destroy a hundred planets. Yeah, that sounds right. It becomes like exponentially like, okay, then what are we talking about? I mean, there's no scale to anything. Man, is this supposed to be a Christmas ornament? No. This Gargamel? I don't know.

I truly don't know. Is this Gargamel's dad? It's his brother. They found Gargamel's brother. Of all the years I've been aware of the Smurfs, I had no idea that he had a Mexican, Chinese, and some other third thing. I don't know what the third thing could possibly be. Brother.

Man, they brought in Garfield's dad in the new like Garfield movie. This sucks. It really is terrible It's bad and his mom like, uh Nah bring back Lyman don't bring back bring back Lyman in the vet I don't need to know Garfield's dad kind of messing up the pets don't have dads Right. It's kind of messing up the whole thing. They exist in vacuums. Yeah don't have dads. Right. It's kind of messing up the whole thing.

They exist in vacuums, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Just kind of like no sense of anything. They don't have like a society. Now I feel bad that he's like, that his dad is, and now I feel bad that all these animals don't have their dads around, you know?

You raised your fatherless dog over here. Elon Musk tweeted that there's a problem with anti-depressants in this country. Like yeah, that's because everyone's dad left. Yeah, that's because you think that's got anything to do with it. It's hard to be sad when you're getting yelled at to go mow the lawn. Yeah. What do you mean you don't know how to change the oil in a truck? I'm very disappointed.

I'm very disappointed by that as well. Big fat black woman stole my shopping cart. You know, the more I think about it, the funnier it gets. Because of course it would happen to just you. Yeah, so she went into the store with no shopping cart and then decided, I need a shopping cart. Oh, look at this. No, I had no things in it.

That's even worse. That was where I fucked up I guess I should have put like an avocado placeholder in it, but I thought we were gonna high-trust society We can't even leave shopping carts alone like the soup plantation like I'll be ripe back card, you know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly So I'm walking around the supermarket I wanted to get all this chicken pot pie and greenies and You know, I'm doing the thought that I'm making the supermarket, I wanted to get all this chicken pot pie ingredients And you know, I'm doing the thought, I'm making the dumb decision, it's dumb every time of I don't need a shopping cart, I could just stack it, I could just play my own version of Bandu Right? Remember that game? Absolutely not, I do remember it, but that, you tried to beat the system

I know, I know, but I didn't, it would be, it would be emasculating for me to go get a second cart rather than just take my cart back. Kill that lady. Yeah. And I didn't want to, I didn't want to pose the, like, this scenario that might not fit into her brain. A lot of my life is just like, well I can't say this to this person because that might not fit in their brain and then they're going to start freaking out. You know, like a computer, like a tautology, right? Like, hey lady, that car was mine. Not, car?

What do you mean yours? Belongs? What do you mean? But I have it. I like total recall. Total retard yeah, yeah That's it. So I've had stuff in my cart and someone's taken before I'm like that's crazy. Yeah, I'm like that's crazy I know you might also need some potatoes and eggs and whatever else the fuck but like come on like now

I walk back across the store for this shit. I'm just gonna go to the Asian store from now on There's one that's just try. It's just chock full of Asians. They would never do that shit. Yep so I'm just gonna go to the Asian store from now on. There's one that's just try. It's just chock full of Asians They would never do that shit. Yep so I'm walking around like building my Spider-man tray on my chicken Stacking stuff on it stacking eggs on it and then halfway through I'm like, oh this was dumb It's too late now too late because then I'm gonna put my stuff down and go get a shopping cart and then someone's going to put my stuff back, you know?

So I'm like whatever, walking around with it and my fingers are starting to hurt because I'm holding a bunch of produce. Like an asshole, yeah. Yeah, it's cutting into my fingers, you know? And then I get home and my girlfriend, fiance is like, you missed the milk. Like, yeah, well, this fat black lady stole my, it's not my fault. I wanted to go in there and have a leisurely,

like, let's see what else I need to get at the store, but I was on a clock because this stupid lady stole my shopping cart. She's like, don't you just get another shopping cart? I was like, you honestly, you wouldn't understand. I could explain it to you, but you just, I'm gonna explain it to you and you're gonna say it's stupid. So why don't we just skip to that?

Do I look like someone who takes two trips to get all the groceries out of the car? Because I don't take no shit. I'm in the Larry Blydener take no shit dojo. That's a rough one. That's why. Wow, is he still alive? How's he doing? Yes. Holy shit. I don't know where he is, but.

Good for him. He's alive. This should be a Christmas ornament. We could easily screw in like a little eye hook in there. Yeah. I was just so kind of impressed and appalled by it. Look at the way he's doing his hands. Why is he, why would that imply any sort of money? What's another word for dirty?

Grimy. Grimy, greasy? Not grubbing, but you know. Grubbing. It's maybe a similar word, you know. He's doing some grubbing, but you know. Grubbing. Maybe a similar word. He's doing some grubbing here. Yeah, some sort of grubbing.

As in he's finding worms to go fishing with. Vegas shut down their giant solar farm. You ever seen that thing? This is another, this is making me happy, man. It's just only things that make me happy, honestly. They shut down Helios One. Good for them. Look at this thing. Maybe people across the country don't know,

but there is this... On the route to... On the highway between LA and Vegas, there is this gigantic tower of Sauron, with like an eye of Sauron on the top, that is a solar farm. Yep. It's an eyesore. It looks atrocious and driving by every time I just see my money getting wasted on these stupid solar projects that don't work, are not, they're not profitable because they don't make enough energy for the amount. All that matters is how much does this cost

and how much energy does it put out? If it's not lower than gas, it's not gonna fucking work. Doesn't matter how many of them you make. Doesn't matter how much money you dump into it. It's not gonna make someone go, oh wow, I suddenly figured out how to do, you know? It's not gonna accelerate guys going, oh, we'll just do it like this

and it'll be a little better, right? It's not like injection guys going, oh, we'll just do it like this and it'll be a little better, right? It's not like injection molding where at scale, then it starts to make sense. Yeah, I'll see. Yeah. It's always pissed me off. It's been there for like 10 years, I guess. They're shutting it down.

The Ivanpaw energy plant for vaporizing too many birds. No, that's not right. It's because it wasn't profitable. Shocker! It wasn't profitable to stay, this alien-like field of mirrors in the desert was once the future of solar energy. It's closing after 11 years.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. About damn time. Fuck you, it's about damn time. And I can't read it, because it's such a shame. I'm so tired of all that too. Everyone's like, oh, you need solar. You need this, you need that.

And it's like, that's crazy. I can just pour any kind, if it's oil, I can pour it into this diesel generator and be up and running. Yeah, like nothing. Like, why do I need all this shit? Why do I need a bunch of mirrors and a big dumb tower? What is that doing?

Spend all that on air filtering then, if it's that important to you like build us a nuclear plant. Build us a thousand nuclear plants. Yeah. Okay let's see what else I have here. I'll do the comments. Ashley St. Clair. I'm still just like man who has the audacity? Well I guess we know who has the audacity. It's like you know what Here's a stray cart. So no one was using that. Right? Someone already did most of the work by getting it in here.

Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, me! I had to get it out of the rain. You got looted and polluted. I got looted. I did get looted. You almost got polluted, but you did get looted. And I got a good cart at my effort, because I knew the carts that they had in the car car in the like the area were fucked they're always fucked

up they're always fucked up so you got to get carts that have not been returned because you know that somebody used them so that makes us a real injustice then because you found a good cart yeah I did bullshit that's fucking bullshit I did and you and I get yelled at. You didn't immediately say, what do you mean I didn't get the milk? You go get the- Well, I guess that's one of those split-second decisions. And you get milk. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr She said good news After we raised the alarm doge has been blocked from accessing

sensitive Department of Education data your social security number income data and Personal information are safe for now. We will keep fighting back Oh, man, none of that has been safe for quite some time my income data like how much money I make Well who cares about that What are you talking make? Well, who cares about that? What are you talking about? Who on earth cares about that? Good news. No, that's not good news.

Good news, everybody. We've stopped Elon Musk from accessing your... What about PayPal? Well, he can still access that. Personal information. What the fuck personal information are you talking about? Your name? You mean everything that's been getting breached every other day?

Yeah! I wake up to emails, it's like, they found, I'm like, cool, again? Amazing. I get about 20 texts a day that something, like I need to click this because of Coinbase. Right. Something is up with your Coinbase thing,

click this link, no. Yeah, I'm like, now I'm just gonna close my fucking account. Fuck that. They're really floundering. Cause somebody's finally like stopping all their stealing. Yeah, stop the steal. They're stopping the steal.

It's crazy. Why is not everyone behind this? Hey, you know the government, we're stopping them from spending money. Great. 100% of Americans agree with this, stopping the government. You know how great it's been to show all my friends

how wrong they've been about all their programs this whole time? I'm like, oh, see all this fucking waste and expenditure and shit. And they're like, oh, well. Oh. I'm like, look, I don't even care. I just think it's funny that you've been morally grandstanding for so long. And now it's like, oh, well. I'm like, look, I don't even care. I just think it's funny that you've been

morally grandstanding for so long, and now it's like, well, here it is. Like you've been wrong and you're a shithead. How much HIV prevention do we need? Jesus. We spent $200 billion stopping AIDS on Mars. I thought we're supposed to accelerate it so we have less population.

Which is it? Somebody will eventually develop an antibody Won't they that's what I know from zombie movies. That's they keep saying eventually. There's one person That's like gonna do it. Yeah. Yeah, eventually somebody gets AIDS and they have the antibody you're like, okay Let's just clone that shit then and that's what's up. That's what happens in zombie movies Eventually the answer to if not you then who then who will be? Eh, nobody. How come there's no zombie movie where the zombie virus makes you gay? I thought that was the crux of all zombie movies.

They're not trying to eat you, they're trying to fuck your ass? They're trying to suck your dick. They eat your dick, yeah. Instead of brains? They're trying to give brains, yeah. If you're gay zombies, that would be cool. Well it's like the's like the headless horsemen, or, scarecrow, right? He's, uh, looking for some brain. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know. Okay, no more EBT soda. Oh, yeah, they, they confirmed RFK. Man, give us the secret documents. Come on, man. I need those secret docs. I need to see what Israel did to, to JFK. I think, uh, Razamel over here knows.

Oi, I'll get you, Smoyfs! Yeah! Go again, Mel? It's gotta either be either the CIA or Israel that killed JFK. Why else would they not say? Right. Hmm. It's both.

Oooh! That's the high in CIA. Oh, that's why not both. Yeah. RFK, we want to do a number of things but not take away choice. Okay. Let's see what you've got to say about health. So we want to do a number of things but not take away choices from people. The one place that I would say that we need to really change policies is in the SNAP program and food stamps and in school lunches because there the federal government in many cases is paying for it and we shouldn't be subsidizing people to eat poison. We usually do that in conjunction with the Department of Agriculture. Brooke Rollins was also confirmed. So you'll be working in tandem.

Yeah, and Brooke and I work very well together and we're aligned on those issues. Oh, sorry, you fucking leeches. No more sodas for you, fat boys. You're gonna have to get a job if you want soda. Gonna have to get addicted to doing manual labor for a living. Uh-huh. You're gonna have to get up and get a job if you want some of your Coca-Cola or your grape drink No more free sodas No more free sodas you fat pieces of shit you fat parasites

No more sorry no more free EBT sodas for you buddy boy free EBT Jack in the box We've got a lovely tea that you can drink and or water Both of these are free, both of these are life sustaining. Actually, we like them. No more fucking Coca-Cola for you. Fat boy. I kind of wish it was just no more Coca-Cola in general. Yeah, look at that. Like why does this have to be only for pork?

Why can't we just make this for everybody? I'm liking this. No more EBT soda. Ooh. I saw this shirt a while ago. It was the BET logo. Yeah. It said EBT instead. No need to steal shopping carts when you don't have any Slice to buy with your BBT. So sorry. That's a good one.

Time to go get some expired Charter Joe's salads. It's the specifics of the destruction of the government that I never imagined. I always imagined the destruction of the federal government, but I didn't imagine the little, the moments, you know, that make it real. Like- It's calculus, man. It's the sum of all the little things. I just pictured the big picture. Like, wow, wouldn't that be great?

I didn't imagine, oh yeah, then we get to take soda away from EBT people. Oh yeah. What a. That's amazing. That is part of the destruction of the federal government. Yeah. And then what next? What is there? What else do we get to take away? What other poisons are we going to rid ourselves of? It's for your health.

That we're taking that away. For your health. I'll talk to Steve Bruhl. For your fucking health. You can buy it. But you have to get a job. Ah, sorry. See, I don't think there should be any problem with that.

It's like, it's a luxury, man. Yeah. Okay, that's that piece of paper. What else do I have here? This goddamn piece of paper. Uh, VR. Oh yeah, VR practice conversations about DEI. This was a funny one. There's so many, there's so many like scams and stuff that they found in all that US money, USAID money, obviously.

So I tried to only grab the funny ones. This is a program that they canceled where they were making a VR to help train people in the army to talk about racism with like, recruits I guess, but you had to do it in VR. If this was a second life thing, it'd be hilarious. Like with Kermit the Frog? Yeah, and like Shrek telling you not to be racist. Have a. Oh, okay, let's see here.

Hugo Escobar, alright buddy. What do you have for us? It's an opportunity to have a difficult conversation when it comes to DEIA. There is an avatar, and behind that avatar there's... Look at this, look at this. This is the... you're in VR. You're explaining to this weird looking Toy Story looking... Yes, one character.

Sid from Toy Story about DEIA. Well, isn't this the same... Don't touch black women's hairs. Oh, sorry, Woody. Isn't this like the same experiment of like the pain thing where it's like you have... You sit some asshole on the button and it's like... Yeah.

You push the button and you could fuck this other person up. Or not like... It's the same... It feels like the same thing. Feels like the same thing. Look, you can just say whatever racist shit you want to. You know, that was fake. Avatar. Was it?

Yeah. I figure, I assume everything's fake. Everybody quotes that as like how people are just like ready to be Nazis. But the whole experiment was, it was real, but the people thought it was a joke. Oh, that's even funny. They're like, you're not really shocking anybody. That's what everyone's coding. They weren't like, oh, I guess I'll do it. They're like, like, okay whatever. Yeah I just know that people reference it all the time and it just

feels like the same like, oh don't don't even worry about it. There's like this fake thing. Yeah. Somebody, one of the participants said, well they obviously weren't, I mean you can't hurt somebody in an experiment like this, so I knew they weren't hurting anybody. Yep. It's actually true. There's your Turing test, yeah. Oh. You outsmarted yourself, didn't you, guys? Good job. Okay. There's a trained individual who is going to have a conversation. Oh. He or she will be able to either elevate

the difficulty of the conversation or back down and understand. The time that we're living in is we have conversations that are difficult. Specifically. That guy's an avatar too, right? Yeah, he came out of the VR. He like, wow, like the Matrix, you know, Bane. What a...

Did he make... So they had good looking like avatars in the game, but he came back and said, no, make it more lifelike, like me. And they're like, okay, well, smooth it out. Looks like someone tried to asset flip all of the IMVU banner ads from back in the day. What's that?

Oh! Like, MySpace Glitter Graphic weird avatar, like... Remember Facebook's stupid VR thing? Like the virtual Zuckerberg and they didn't have legs or anything like that? What's... That's so stupid. He's not bound by his legs. He can just run.

He can float or what? Now he likes having legs. Now that he's like an MMA guy. Oh. He's like, by his legs, or he can just run. He can float away. Now he likes having legs. Now that he's like an MMA guy. Oh. He's like, that was dumb. I like having legs now. Couldn't imagine life without having legs. Take that, you paraplegic motherfuckers.

Man. Gotta get that bag, Johnny. Well, that's why we added the A. Yeah. Gotta get that bag. Johnny. Oh yeah. Yeah. Gotta get that bag. DEI auspiciousness. Would you like, I kind of think that these guys are like see themselves as whores that want to get rich.

Like it's starting to see my opinions of women come from my hatred of them. Right. And it seems like these guys opinions of women come from wanting to be them. And it seems like these guys' opinions of women come from wanting to be them. That's a terrible thing. Yeah. That's a very terrible thing.

Yeah, gotta get that back. Do you think your make, would you do that? Are you thinking about doing that somewhere in your brain? When I hear this story, I identify with the male child. Yeah. You're identifying with the whore. Look, Jesus said, love your enemies, not try to become them. Yeah, right, right, right.

You gotta have tolerance. Extremely Christian of me, I know, but... I think we lost the plot. It's all gone. Okay, here we go. Dealing with people or differences of opinions, it's important to know difficult, specifically, and the time that we're living in is we have conversations Here we go dinner with people or differences of opinions. It's very difficult Specifically damn the time that we're living in is we have conversations that are difficult

Specifically dinner with people or differences of opinions dinner with people What's crazy is he's talking about talking to people and then it's like, okay, let's dehumanize you and like put you like Spend an hour customizing your avatar and why is the avatar wearing camo what the fuck is this shit this is so stupid we live in a time where we're having dinner with people yeah I guess that's true what does that have to do with the army making a VR racism game where somebody can up the difficulty tell me more about that upping the difficulty part the The V-army. Do you get to talk to a guy in like a do-rag that thinks he's black? Yo yo yo what's up what's up what's up what the hell?

What do you- and you have to tell him that he's not black? You have to beat the final boss of racism. Yeah who is that? Do they get harder? I don't know. Is this scored? Is this ranked racism? I want to hear more about the difficulty.

I want this game actually. I use my quest. What's the difficulty spike like? Is it like, do we start out with like, you know, some people just really can't drive to like, okay, and here's, you know. You know what the boss of the game is? A dog.

You gotta stop your dog from barking at a black guy. Oh, stop, stop, barking at a black guy. Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Simulation over. What do you mean you lost a thousand times out of a thousand? Like, you see, it's the hardest game I've ever played. We went to Long Beach and got a snow cone and these three little black kids came over

and they're like, oh, can we pet your dog? And I'm like, yeah, sure. And one of them went at her and she went, like she jumped, Maddie jumped back. I've never seen her do that reaction. I'm like, oh yeah, you haven't, you haven't seen any black people. Yeah, there's, there are people too, Maddie. That's like, I know it looks, I know for you it looks in your green vision.

This looks very strange. We can see RT's green. Yeah, they got that, that whatever. Predator vision. vision this looks very strange. A good CRT screen. Yeah, they got that whatever- Predator vision. Predator vision. I'm like, I'm sure that that person is really freaky looking, these little kids. You're like, look, I know you know all the words, but act right, god damn it. The 80s girl's like like oh, sorry Like honey, it's okay the the dogs that they're used to or not they're a bit bigger problems than going up

Like how's your dog nice yeah, can we touch her yeah? Oh what the fuck? No one asked me yeah, what's going on here? Why are they a different color? Is it night? Time? For them? What the fuck? I'm like, yeah. Just everyone is sigmin' to see Monster Duel. Okay. They should put this game on Steam.

I think it is. Second Life, right? Or VRChat? Look at this handsome... Is this easy mode? Look at how handsome this guy is. Look at these blue eyes, you know, this hairline. Ooh, man.

Why is the head so big compared to the... Okay. So like, yeah, you know, this is a thing about people, and it's like, okay, let's just have the most cartoony, non-people thing. They should have done it like Night Trap and had like real video. Full motion video? Yeah, that would be better. Just two, one... Just what? non-people thing involved. They should have done it like Night Trap and had like real video. Full motion video? Yeah, that would be better. Two, one, just what?

A little like Dragon's Lair. When you pick the wrong thing, it's like, oh, what the hell? I don't know, right? Everyone's turning into skeletons? Yeah. Oh, you pressed left when you should have pressed up. I hate that fucking game.

The difficulty of the conversation or back down and understand. The time that we're living in is we have conversations that are difficult specifically dinner with people or dealing with people. It does sound like dinner with people. I thought he was saying dinner with people. differences of opinions. It's important for us as individuals and leaders and service members to have these conversations and allow us to practice having these conversations that are Often very difficult to have this is for airmen. This is for guardians This is for civilians of all ranks enlisted an officer. It's retarded all ranks of civilians

Yeah, if you're like a shithead rank shithead civilian You're a D list civilian civilian there. Stand down. Are you a VIP? Nah, I'm just a regular civilian. I'm just a regular beer-drinking American, man. You don't get access to the VIP secret level. I could sell you a shot for cash. That is the most... I couldn't believe that. Why don't you sell me a drink for cash? What do you mean a shot?

How do you not take their hand and twist it off of their wrist? Pop her little head right off. Right. I would have done it, but they were laughing at all my jokes. Even Ashwood's own, which I don't think they understood, you know, really the whole point I was making.

They're just laughing, because it's a train car stuff. Right. It's funny. Yeah, you're laughing, but you don't really get what I'm saying. Yeah. You shouldn't be laughing.

You shouldn't. You shouldn't just be following orders. You should be feeling bad about who you are. Oh yeah, here's a Super Bowl ad. Oh. About... Oh yeah, about women, women fighting men and athletes. Did you see this one? No. We left the Super Bowl party kind of early.

Well, the thing is is I've worked on enough Super Bowl commercials in my life that I just don't care about them anymore. Yeah. This was about women athletes. See, I'm glad I didn't watch. OK, here it is. Let's settle this once and for all.

Your best guy? Girl. Whatever. Versus our best guy? Girl. Whatever. Versus our best guy. The Brad. Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad. Oh, not the Brad.

Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad. So it's like a guy with a mullet. I'm Brad. I can read. My body is burning. It's not sunshine. And then they're playing flag football. Hey, she can read.

It's a black girl playing flag football with this guy Brad And she takes him out Now all the boys This guy's freaking out. Leave the pass behind. It's girls flag football, okay. Let's make girls flag football a varsity sport. In all 50 states. Flag football is the thing that kids do right? Yeah. Well all sports are things that kids do. Flag

like motorcycle racing, flag you know. Man, couldn't you just like talk about the positives of girls doing, you know, I know a lot of female athletes, like actual female athletes. They don't really talk about being better than boys ever. Like the note that usually they have like a respect for male athletes. And they also are doing their own thing. But all of this like girls versus boys shit. It seems to be only It's kind of productive. It is it's kind of productive. It's really

annoying Stupid also, you know for a fact if Brad would have made contact all of her teeth would have been knocked out of her skull Are you kidding me that fucking getting hit by that fridge? No way Yeah We're done with we're done with that shit. We ended racism. We did it. Oh, that's right, we ended it. Let's get to the comments.

Jesus, I just wanted to give props to the new guy. First episode, he was talking too much. That's really what it is. I fully agree. They'll be saying that like years from now. You're like, you know, the first episode he was talking too much. Like that was three years ago. I'll apologize You're like, you know, the first episode he was talking too much. Like that was three years ago.

I'll apologize every time because, you know, it's correct. It's correct. You know, it's correct. You got to take your lumps. Takes actual introspection to change things like that. And it hasn't gone unnoticed. Good job, Sean. I mean, you brought in Goigamel.

What else? Sean never brought in no Goigamel. No Fat Lady cards. I mean, come on. Bridget, the obese icon. Reefer Conway, congrats stick. Thank you. Nope, says congrats stick. But is it really a gender reveal if you don't risk setting the entire city on fire these days? That stripper was shy. Don't you think?

How do you have a shy stripper? My 80s girl explained the point to him. She's like, really make him feel uncomfortable. She said afterwards, she's like, really make him feel uncomfortable. Like, get right, you know, make it awkward. Make it very awkward for him. And he was kind of over there. He made it awkward for himself.

Good sport, though. A lot of muscles. You want to go look at some guy's muscles. What was he? Ink something? I can't even remember. Ink man? I don't know. I kind of just like You want to go look at some guy's muscles. What was he? Ink something? I can't even remember. Ink man. I don't know.

I kind of just like turn off with the computer every week and come back. Yeah, me too. Chambas says, hey, Dick, check this out. All right. Always good intro to something. Let's see what you got. Chambas, a baby born with two penises. Has the larger one chopped off by doctors. What?

Why would they do that? What? 100... is this some kind of like Indian news site? And in San Paulo, Brazil, the Journal of Pediatric Urology have documented an incredibly rare medical phenomenon that has only been reported a hundred times. Okay. Yeah, two penises. Yeah, I don't know about this one. By the time the two-year-old underwent surgery, both organs were fully functional. Why would you chop that shit off? No! No! Initial observations led doctors to assume the larger left penis would be the optimal choice to preserve. The smaller one? I bet they did. However, medical science often presents unexpected twists. During their thorough

examination, the medical team discovered something crucial despite both organs having the ability to become erect. What? Two? Each penis contained only one of two necessary corporal cavernosa. The essential tissue chambers were responsible for erections. Doctors learned that the boy could only urinate through the smaller penis. Oh. The larger one, despite its size advantage, had a urethra too narrow for proper,

so stretch the shit out. What do you mean to? Take Hill over here, man. What the fuck? I've seen a guy put a battery in his dick. I know you could stretch that shit out. Come on. Car battery.

What the fuck? Where was the dad you telling me the dad said well if the urethra is too thin single mother Yeah, jam some shit in there man stretch that fucker out Narrow urethra. Oh, I can't read that. That is absolutely some Hank Hill shit, man. Yeah. Uh, Tomathy says, Hey, dick, look at this. Okay.

We will look at it and enjoy. Apple News. I hate Apple News. $99 for an orgasm? Inside... Ugh. Inside the LA... I can't see it now, damn it. Goddamn paywalls.

Yeah, what the hell. 12foot.io. Uh, oh. Access to this site doesn't work. Okay, well. Something about $99 for an orgasm inside a... Get out of here! $99 for an orgasm workshop for women? Ugh, gross. I feel like you could charge way more, right?

That's like the one thing they're always after. Orgasms? Yeah. Nah, it's probably like, they pay money to be told that they're not fat. That's what I'm saying. It's just like here, 300 bucks. Crazy.

Actually, they'd probably like it more if they did not have an orgasm and they could just complain about the class. Oh, even better. Yeah, right? Yeah. Where's delete? Delete that element. Okay, yes, I snuck Yeah, right? Yeah. Where's delete? Delete that element.

Okay, yes, I snuck through. I hacked it. You hacked the movie. Hacked the menus, dude. Intuitive advisor Mia Banducci holds workshops around sex and helps and rage to help women unleash their truest selves. That's the worst kind of woman, I think.

Anytime I hear my truest self or speak my truth or I'm on my journey, I'm like, you know. It's bad. Just say you have cookie monster pajamas at home and your pussy stinks. That's all, that's all. I get that you're 15 days into recovery, but you know, no one gives a shit.

You know who talks about their true selves? The worst people ever. Annoying Women, number one, and number two, the boss villains of video games. Like Dracula. The worst people ever, yeah. Now you will fight my truest self. It's like a dragon that shits too much, you know? Banducci incorporates meditation, breath work,

self pleasure and spiritual counseling. Imagine the smell of one of these sessions. Bunch of fat chicks eating cookie dough, jacking off. What do you mean this wharf smells like patchouli? Self pleasure and spiritual counseling into her sex magic with a K rituals to help participants understand their desires. Okay.

Watch out for the sex magic. 11 of them. Have you ever encountered any sex magic? I don't think so. You would know. I would know that's yeah I guess not it's like porn. You know if you know it if you saw it you would know 11 of us all women dressed in lingerie silk robes and other sheer or flowy clothing

They're just pretending to be the fucking Bilderberg group the whole time? Our dancing freeform in a circle. Oh man, on the first floor probably. Spacey electronic music fills the room, which looks something like a spa tent. Wait, that's the worst part? You have to listen to some assholes ambient music the whole time? Oh no.

It's like Enya with a bunch of fat bitches and stretched out lingerie. I could listen to Enya. I don't want to hear someone's, here's my modular synth noise. Here's my drum and bass. Ernest makes a noise album, you know? Man, we got to bring Ernest back with AI. Dude, I'm telling you, Ernest and Young is going to be...

Ernest fixes the economy. Ernst and Young, where he gets mistaken for the Ernst and Young Bank and then he account the reason why earn Ron crashes Like come on. Yeah Okay, our dancing freeform music fills the room stink waves fill the room to stinking up their ways Which looks something like a spa tent faded wovenaded woven carpets, blanket the floor, billowy white curtains drape the ceiling, and flickering lanterns cast abstract shadows on the fat,

one of which is awash in a glowing aqua light. Wow. You know what makes me rage is minimum word counts. Yeah. Pfft. Nearly everyone's eyes are closed as we dance individually, but together too? Partaking in slow, sensual movement, a tangle of curves, and limbs. This NPR level of like, and can you believe that?

It's like shut the fuck up. Not everything is this brand new novel thing that you've never heard of before. A tangle of curves. Ugh. A tangela. Oof. Disgusting. We swirl our arms above our heads, run our hands through our hair, swivel our hips, and swing our butts.

Swivel our chips. Wow. Shivering me timbers. Oh this is her, this is the lady. Okay I don't want to read the rest of that. Well that sounds gross. I think the $99 entry fee covers the DoorDash charge. Farrell says, hey, Dick, did you see this USAID Bill Brad? He says, I think he meant Bill Ward. See what you got, Farrell. This is between South Africa and Mozambique lies the tiny nation of Eswatini, who just last

year received $50 million from USAID of your taxpayer dollars to address the rampant HIV epidemic. Let's see how they're doing. But it was HIV vectors, it was HIV money. So at one point, the local HIV-related NGO purchased a billboard over the largest public transit hub in East Swatini and This is the billboard It says are you thinking of raping a child today? Think twice about the consequences

real threatening About don't do it? Right, it doesn't even say that. It just says think twice. What the fuck is that? What's the white ribbon mean? No rape? This is their biggest highway?

Is this tiny little, I guess, bus stop size thing? Are you thinking of raping a child today? And then, oh shit. I was. I guess, bus stop size thing. Are you thinking of raping a child today? And then, oh shit, I was, I was thinking of- You know, I thought about it the first time, but then the second time, there might be consequences. That's an insane one.

Think twice about the consequences. Maybe there should just be bombs. If we have to spend money on stopping child rape, I think the order should be bombs, billboards, not billboards, bombs. I think it should be, we create brand new gemstones, the whole area becomes glass, we start up fresh. We should give these kids guns, probably.

What's the worst that could happen? Coney 2025, man. Yeah. Uh, are you thinking of- How are you thinking of raping a- It's not in that- It's in English, really? I don't know about that.

They speak English there? Okay. Whatever. Man. Well- Crazy world out there, man. Maybe we could get our money back for that. Um, Francis says, uh, Dick, make sure you pick up and hold your boy occasionally.

Do not leave them in baby chair shit. You'll do great. Thank you for the advice. Mint salad says, a link to drama alert. Uh oh. Let's see what we got. Oh, yeah. Utah driver cheats death by jumping out of her car at the last second before a train comes. Okay, so the thing's going, she's approaching the train tracks and the thing's going, she's approaching the train tracks

and the thing's going down and she's driven under them, even though that's like impossible to do, unless you're really messing up. Well, unless you're a woman. Yeah. She's driven through. Now on train, on crossing, on train track guards that come down, the other side doesn't have the guard.

Right. The one that you're driving through. Because the assumption is that it stops you the correct way. Yeah, so if you're on the train tracks going forward and you made it under the one that just went down, just keep going straight through. They're designed like that to help you. Dick, you're a computer guy. Not to trap you. They don't want to, they're designed like that to help you.

Dick, you're a computer guy. Not to trap you. They don't want to, they're like, well, what if some idiot goes under the guard? We don't want to trap them there. Oh yeah, that's a good point. And they're like, well, who would go into the guard? It's a train coming. Like, well, you're not married, so you don't know.

Uh, well, you're a computer guy. You know that the hardest thing you could possibly do is make anything user-friendly. Yeah. Or, yeah. Idiot-proof something. Idiot-proof, yeah. So she could also easily do a U-turn where you can see there's also no guard here.

So she's out in the middle. Okay, let's see how she reacts. Simply stepping on the gas going through. She's got about 15 feet between the front of her car and total freedom, just driving like normal. And there's no train in sight. Those things don't just come down and then a train comes through right away. That would be totally, that would be insane.

Let's see how she handles it. And she's put it in reverse and is backing up back against the gate. That's block, that's supposed to block you from getting stuck on the train tracks to start. So she threw it in the, in reverse, bad idea. Now these things are just made out of wood. So you could just go through them. Again, they don't want to kill people.

Right. They just want to protect them. So does she go through it? Does she plow through it? Or does she say, oh, you know what, wait a minute, I'm just going to go forward. What do you think? I think she's going to do,

I think she's going to panic and just drive into the train. Okay. Hang on, yeah. Let's see. She's not, so like, okay, so the guy here's backing up so she can smash through the gate, right? He doesn't mess up his car. Still no decision from her.

And she's backed up more, the things starting to give. Let's see here. And now she's stopped. Now she's going forward. That's not gonna help. And now she got out of the car and abandoned her car on the train. And here comes the train, okay.

Car's abandoned. And now it's smashed. And the whole guard's taken out. She had five business days to move that fuck. She could have got out and pushed her car out of the way. Yeah, she had about, she had 30 seconds to come up with something, to come up with a plan.

Two, three, okay, well. Wow, thank you Mint Salad. Thanks for that. Enlightening me on a daily basis now, holy shit. Bork Lee says, the gender reveal was hilarious. Congrats on the good news. Thank you. Philip Newman says, God doesn't exist.

I get four daughters and Dick gets a son on the first try. Yeah, that's what I was saying with the crisper. I wanted to give that stuff a shot, but she got pregnant right away. It's like, oh shit. Too late. I guess I should have looked at that stuff sooner. I'm telling you, man, you're gonna get a kid that's either white as the driven snow

or the brownest kid known to man. Yeah. I did those Punnett squares, man. Me and Gregor Mendel were figuring out all the P's, man. FowlVay says, congrats on the baby. The world needs more freedom dads and leaders and disagreeable men who hate the condition of the world but love it enough to fight to make it better.

I have a past cell of children and my wife and I were super freedom oriented before COVID. And we had kids and it was an absolute fight against everything, our families, the medical system, the civil unrest, trying to garden or keep chickens, even trying to garden and keep chickens. We were both on the same page though, and we followed our North Star,

knowing that we cared most about our family, and knowing the true nature of the state. And we were proven right every step of the way. You'll have that son and they'll try to give him gonorrhea eye drops and circumcisions and 40 shots right after he's born. And you just got to follow your gut. It's a fight against the world. Well, I'll have to drink. I'll have to get a couple shots.

Mm-hmm. Maybe the doctor's got some VIP liquor at the hospital. I could break him off with a few bucks cash. Yeah, hey doc. It's a fight for your family and that fight feels like living. Godspeed. Okay, give that a shot. Cool. Let's see if I have more vaccine stuff. Roy says, vaccines. Hey, Dick, I have a biology degree based in human anatomy and physiology, being vague about the exact kind.

So I thought I would give some info on vaccines. I also did community outreach to try and see if parents were vaccinating their kids. So that's my bias. Oh, okay. So he's a vax peddler. Oh God. He's one of them paid for scientists.

He's on the take. He's on the USAID, yeah. Yeah, he's getting money for everybody he gets vaccinated. He goes door to door like a vacuum cleaner salesman. Per your request, yes, women are getting money for everybody. He gets vaccinated. He goes door-to-door. Mm-hmm like a vacuum cleaner salesman per your request Yes, women are too fat. Okay 175 is the average now, which is way too much tungsten I have even given a talk to women's weight loss groups and the sticking point with them Was that coke and orange juice have about the same amount of calories. So drinking orange juice is not much better for you

amazing have about the same amount of calories. So drinking orange juice is not much better for you. Amazing. Anyway, vaccines are generally safe and effective for the vast majority of people. Vaccines do not cause autism. The vaccines we use now do not contain any live or dead viruses. I don't know about that. Like, I don't know what.

I'm just worried about the autism. But just the particular proteins that our bodies can use to give a larger immune response. So anyone saying they got the flu from their flu vaccine is full of shit. What? That can't be true. I've gotten sick from getting a flu shot.

Placebbed yourself into it, dude. Really? Apparently, according to this guy. It's not possible at all to get sick from a flu vaccine? I don't think so. That can't be true. Let me see that. Well, we got to make him start taking every flu vaccine. He said women are fat though. That's true. Let's see. Flu

vaccine possible to get sick. No, the flu vaccine can't give you the flu. Okay, but can it get you sick? The flu vaccine does not make you likely to get another respiratory infection based on available evidence, but you might develop flu-like symptoms. Oh, okay, so you don't have the flu, but you- You basically, yeah. You're sneezing and you have a headache and you feel sick. But don't be a conspiracy nut. You don't have the flu.

Okay. Despite getting a flu vaccine for many reasons, according to the reaction to the vaccine. Well, what the fuck is the reaction to the vaccine? Do you see? That's getting sick. You're not dead. You're just not breathing anymore. Right. Yeah, you're still in there.

Okay. Now I'm annoyed. You can have reactions to the proteins that range from mild to severe. Most people are just going to feel like they have a mild cold, if anything. Wait, this isn't baby stuff, though. There are, however, risks to vaccines, just like any other medicine. Some reactions can be severe, and in very rare cases, death can occur. The CDC has these statistics listed for each vaccine if you want to know specifics.

No, I don't, only if it's an infographic. But these risks from vaccines themselves pose a smaller risk to fewer people than the diseases do. Here's an excerpt of the DTAP. Okay, that's like a medical thing. I don't know. This isn't really a compelling argument, even though I respect you. I would still recommend vaccination

as 99 out of 100 vaccines have been run through extensive testing. And the COVID vaccine had not had the same multi-year trials since COVID was deemed an emergency. Yeah, I still don't like that the companies got protected from lawsuits. Yeah, sorry if I made this too long. Thanks for the laughs.

Go for it. It's not too long. It's just I need to be, you know, fed information in a very specific way. It wasn't very swaying, you know. Wasn't very persuasive. That's my criticism of it. Uh, Herd Durington. Oh, okay.

Now we're talking. Yeah. This sounds persuasive as fuck. No one goes to a Dr. Roy, but Herdurington might have the finger on that. He doesn't care. That guy's cool. Hey, Dick, Dr. Herdurington, MD here.

I sent an email a few weeks back telling you telling you to avoid vaccinating your son. Avoid it? Oh, you dismissed my appeal out of hand then, but in the most recent episode, it sounded like you were more reticent. Well, I thought I was having maybe a girl or a boy then, and it's like a girl should probably get vaccinated.

Who knows? Girl with autism? Nah. Allow me to share some of my credentials. Bitches be too fat. Indian shit in the street, sir. Jews. Mmm. Ah.

Mmm. At least praise him as Gargamel's brother. Yeah, you went too far. You did too much noticing. Mmmkay. Mmm. You better have a good... This better be a very persuasive... You did too much noticing. Okay. You better have a good... This better be a very persuasive... This better be all facts from here on out.

You anti-persuaded me now. I can't go to... If you say bitches be too fat, I can co-sign whatever else you're saying. But, I don't know if you're saying Jews. Little too much, you know. You see what I mean? It's hard to get a straight answer from people. It is. The most compelling points against vaccines are one, they're not held to the same standard of testing

as virtually every other medical product. There are no placebo controlled long-term double blind studies that's on vaccines. Well, that's not really a result. That's the most compelling point? That's not very compelling of a point. The most compelling is that they don't have the same rigor over the testing? No. The most compelling point is these motherfuckers have autism or not. That's it.

Two, the cumulative effect of the vaccine schedule has never been evaluated for safety. Well, what is it? What is the effect? Vaccines, that's not a compelling point. See, I knew that Jews was a red flag. Vaccines are only tested one at a time. Many vaccines use aluminum and other toxic chemicals as an adjuvant chemical designed to provoke an immune reaction. Just say that then, don't use the word

Now you big leaking yeah, now you're talking down to me the levels of Aluminum present in vaccines are considered toxic. Ah, I don't know about that. That's like a set that sounds like saccharin is In like fake sugar. It causes cancer in 1986 Congress passed the childhood nationalury Act, which makes it impossible to sue vaccine manufacturers. Yeah. Instead of suing vaccine manufacturers, those harmed by vaccines apply to the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program.

It's paid out five billion in damages? That's the most compelling part. What the fuck? Five billion? That was way deep in compelling part. What the fuck? Five billion? That was way deep in there too. Fun, which ones? In the mid 80s, the vaccine schedule was 24 shots. Now it's 80. That's also compelling. 80? There's 80 new diseases since the 80s? I had the 80s vaccine schedule. I'm fine. Same. Vaccine injuries are only reported through VAERS, which is a self-reporting program

It's estimated that fewer than 1% of vaccine injuries are recorded. There's three and a half million reports. What the fuck really? Oh Man, well, I don't know what guys you're both presenting bad arguments. That's a lot to think about Have a good day and go fuck yourself no one's gonna watch out for your kid except for you I don't mmm. I don't like hearing that. I already know that doctors hospitals Pharmaceutical companies do not have your child's best interest at heart the doctors probably do Doctor Think the doctor does how do you think he's going on vacations, man? He makes money by keeping your kids sick, dude. They only care about making money,

and they make a lot more money off of sick people. I don't know if... I know doctors. They're not... They're like, oh yeah. When a doctor hears a cough, he's like, hey, here I go. It's the medical board above them that are like, ah, you know what would be great is if you just kept them on the line.

That I believe. I believe the board does. I think doctors are fine. But the board is not so much. I'm sure there's financial incentives, but I don't know. What do you mean you're sure? There's only financial incentives. Are you kidding?

Why does anything ever get fucking good? There's not only financial incentives! There's still doctors! There's still doctors, yeah, but- They still want to help people! How many... restaurateurs do you know who still want to serve people food? They hate it as- at a certain point,

you hate what you do and you hate the people involved. No, I like making people laugh! I would do it for free. You know? I think they still love, I think they like something. You're an exception, not the general. I'm not, I don't think I am. I'm not gonna let you bad mouth doctors like this.

Oh, hi, Matty. I'm not gonna bad mouth doctors. I'm just saying that when it comes to the hospital needs more money, how do you think Kaiser keeps opening? Hospitals, they're evil. I think they're fucking you up. That's why Kaiser is this big overarching thing It's cuz they need that they need the bag Okay, good compelling points everybody. All right, let's do a fat watch. What do you think? Oh my god

Have I been I hope I've been broadcasting this I Didn't even think to I didn't even broadcasting this. I didn't even think to... I didn't even think to look. I didn't even think to start thinking. Uh, yeah. I've recorded this, right? It's working. Yeah, that's working.

Alright. As long as there's some. Oh, JLP saved my marriage. Isn't that great? That's great. Now I gotta see who I can bring to JLP's church. I'm gonna give him a 20s, hey, make it real wild. Say some real wild stuff about, you know, I wanna hear at least two or three black lesbians

comments. Minimum. Talk about gay shit, whatever you want. Grease the wheels a little bit, you know. Hey, hey, hey, you know, you know. Get wild up there. Make it one to remember. You're in good company around here.

Uh, fanboy, she was hit in the back. She was hit before the video. Oh, she doesn't drive onto the train tracks? She was shoved? Oh, I don't know about that. She still should have just went through and waited for the train to pass and then get out and she got shoved Pretty far. Mm-hmm Fat watch today and fat news

today and fat news The next ad band as Poe's made model look too thin next ad band as pose the models pose made her look too thin wow they banned a whole pose because it makes the women look too skinny okay pbc marketing right like it's just a woman Uhhh, okay. BBC UK. It's good marketing, right? Like... It's just a woman sitting on a... You mean to tell me they banned a woman sitting on a stool, but they didn't ban this angle? How about that? How about every woman that takes a picture like this gets fucking banned, because it

makes them look too thin. Same reason. All aerial photos need to... Uh huh. If it's above, if you're taking a picture above your eye level band Because it makes the models look too skinny. There's a they're not exif data scanner that can tell if it's a DJI Drone that Automatically out it sends an electrical signal through the fingers

Mm-hmm because it's a different resistance based on how fat you are. Right. So it can detect it. That's a lot of resistance. Ohms. Ding ding ding ding ding off the chart of ohms. Yeah, wait a second. The ohms of this bitch are donut ohms off the chart.

An advert by fashion brand Next has been banned because the model's pose and the camera angle gave the impression that she was unhealthily thin. It's just a bitch sitting on a fucking table. I mean, she doesn't look unhealthy at all. What the fuck? What's wrong with you people? Yeah, I see zero. Her legs are really thin, but...

It's not because of the way she's posed. It's like an angle thing, right? She's kind of like... It's like they're pointed down looking up at her, kind of, which is, cause see, like, her feet are pretty big compared to, like, the rest of the place. Oh yeah, she's got like a fish eye lens. It's like a angle.

Yeah, her arms look normal. Yeah. Her hands look big. They bend the pose? Okay, you can only pose like this, where their cheeks all blown up. And fat women pose like this. Hey, buy my pants!

God. Alright. Well. Upsetting. The advertising standards authority compared the advert with other photos of the same model and did not think she looked unhealthily thin in those. But it said the now banned image emphasizes the thinness of the model's legs using camera angles, pose, and styling was quote, irresponsible, it's a fisheye lens. Next said it disagreed with the advertising

watch talks decision and said the model, while slim, had a healthy in tone physique. In response to the ASA, the retailer said that the five foot nine models pose was chosen specifically to display the leggings fit on both straight and bent knees this is such a British thing to split hairs over yeah just say your women are fat and undesirable yeah just do that. Okay, good one. Oh, Johnny, you sent this one to me.

Uh oh, which one was this one? This could be anything watch. Oh! Okay, it's a woman. Loving this one, yeah. Oh! Oh my, oh me, oh my. Okay, let me try to get to the beginning.

So it's a woman that's doing like a zipline. Looks like she's trying to zipline off a boat launch ramp. Yeah, and she's jumped herself onto the rope that's hanging from the zipline, and her ass is bouncing on every step of the ramp. And then a dog chases her. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I gotta hear this. All right.

Asshole. I've actually hurt my asshole. So she's torn her asshole open, scraping it on this boating deck on this sluice. It sounded like an airplane brakes That's the ground. Oh Is there a squeak is that the sound of her ass ripping? Did she squish a mouse what is that squeak sound Squish a mouse? What is that squeak sound?

Wee! I've actually hurt my asshole. She's actually hurt her asshole. What is the dog doing? Chasing after her. Chasing after the soon to be dead... The dog thinks she's gonna hit the end and explode into treats. God.

Okay, good one. That's a... There's certain things in life you just know, but like maybe if this rope has any sort of like give to it. Maybe I should take this into the middle area. Maybe I should just post this. Uh, okay. This one might be from you too. Oh, Lizzo apparently vandalizing her old self after losing weight and getting skinnier. Bye bitch. Huh She's like so she doesn't like fat black women either. Huh what I'm seeing from this. Well, this is ozempic Every time I see a side effect of Ozempic I'm like yeah blindness, their bones falling out, whatever it is. Yeah. Bye bitch. Yeah I'm sure it's

about the music actually. Nemesis gaming. Fat bitch snacking at a dog show. Oh, I saw this one. You did? Good one, Nemesis. Okay, this is a lady at the dog show. Oh, okay, she's big. She eats the whole dog. She's holding the treat out for the dog. So the dog will pay attention. And then she eats the treat?

What the fuck? Why would she do that? She tricked the dog. The dog's like, uh, this is not the first time I've seen that. Well, look at the neck on that lady. That specimen. She could have hit the dog. Look at that. Oh, wow. She's big. She's got it all on the shoulders, too.

She's wearing Big Ben on her wrist. Okay. And... You know, people pay a lot of money to see fat women eat dog treats on the internet, but to know that you could just... Do it for free. Yeah, do it into the Puppy Bowl. At least there's no words needed. I think this one speaks for itself.

Go fuck yourself. Alright. Loving it already oh why are we defending bill it's weird that people are more worried about a billion dollar corporations profits what is this is this more plain stuff or corporations profits than the well-being of their fellow citizens like oh yeah yeah you know I don't know the fat activists on planes cuz that's a little too predictable for me. But a fat woman eating dog treats at a dog show? That's... That's a new one.

That's a new one. That's like a... It's like a rare event in the wild. Yeah. Okay, this is the rest of that... um... I like that she's smart enough to only post six things and not have a whole

page full of them. This might just be a preview. Chubby belly redhead. Ah, this is like fat fit as shit, man. Awful. Wow. Let's find the fat con. That's fat con.

Yeah, fat con. That's every con, right? This one is, uh, this has no gaming at all. Forbidden. It's a conference for fat queers. Hear me out. Is this where we introduce the toilet scale? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

How much does your shit weigh? Fat Con, 2026. Let's see what the fat con's up to. What's it gonna tell you? Fat Con 2026 is January 16th through the 18th. You gotta stay alive for that long and not have a heart attack before next January. Yeah, how many... Does your family get the refund if you die before...

How does this work? Is it the same process as the Superkiller refunds? Right. Well, it's fat con because they're conning you out of your money. Every week I get people emailing me about their Superkiller refund. I don't know. This isn't even my IP. It's not my anything.

Wait, so if you make your own version of Superkiller and put it out, does that mean can you get the trademark for the comic at that point? Probably for the comic you couldn't get it for the toys though right the toys are already out. Yeah We had a blast with all of you this weekend We had a Baja blast with you all this weekend Okay That's a rap for fat con 2025. Our hearts are so full. Syrup.

You can't use rap in a full heart in the same sentence when you're fat. Can I? Oops, I liked it. Hopefully, they come back to your page. Pip letterpress, love yourself today and always. Get your press power on with... Okay, that's an ad. Alright.

The Plus bus. Botee. It's hard to believe that the fashion show moment at VatCon was almost two weeks ago. Hang on, the Plus bus? We're still recovering. It's like the John Lennon tour bus. Many of these stunning pieces are still available. No, really.

Okay. Ah, you put them in a wheelchair. Was that because of her knees? It's because of the monster truck tires on the side. Hahaha! Oh, wait a minute, I have one more. Ah, yeah, the lift lawsuit update. Oh!

Remember that fat chick that's doing lift because she stinks? How could I forget? Okay, so this is the, this is the rapper. Man, this is gotta be the, this has gotta be the fattest, angriest black woman look that there has ever been. Cause if she's a little bit more fat,

I think it would look too fat. She's maxed. She's angry fat black woman maxing. Yeah. She's like borderline Dave Bluntz, but not quite. If she got any fatter, her forehead would start getting too fat for it to look angry enough. Oh, that's a good point.

You know what I mean? Yeah. She's like fat mostly, like a bowling pin. She's building her way up. She's on some kind of a radio show here, an I Heart Radio. Called The Breakfast Club of all things. She's got a knife and a fork. Breakfast Club sandwich for her.

This is very misleading. Okay, let's see what they're saying. She's getting, this is they're preparing for her interview. I guess she's gonna be talk about being fat and black or talk about being black and fat. I don't know how they do things at the breakfast. They wheel in a bus bench for her to sit on. How you brother? You good? Nice to meet you kids. Got it. Yep. This the only seat y'all got?

Already complaining. Already. First thing. Complaining about the seat. Look at her... Look at her wiggle her way into the seat. Who's the only seat? Luigi, please?

Got it. Yep. Who's the only seat, you seat-show that? What you want? What you need? There's one. Hahaha! Wha-what do you mean?

What do you need? Like a flatbed? There's not a gate in the world... A couch? ...strong enough to clip out all her heavy ass breaths. Jesus Christ. Do you need... Is something wrong with the seat?

Yeah, it's the seat's fault. A bigger chair or something. She already little. A couch! They're wielding in a couch and they're all just straight faced. Nothing about this is funny. Is that Charlemagne? Is that that guy?

It is. I think. Charlemagne is shoving a couch over, not saying anything about this enormously fat woman who couldn't sit in a chair. I like to imagine it's King Charlemagne wheeling a couch for his first fat lady seat. Oh my god. And this poor bastard here is helping him out. Everybody with stone faces on.

Nobody thinks this is funny at all Wow This only seats all that and you decided that when you were sitting in the seat Yours 900 pounds and you couldn't look at the scene go. Could I sit on a is there a couch or like a trough that? I could sit in Is there a couch or like a trough that I could sit in? Can I just lay on the floor and put the mic over my face? I think Meryl's went out of business doing the pig trough because of her.

Oh my God. And this is, she can't fit in a chair. So she can't fit in a chair and she's suing Lyft. I'm surprised all the plastic wheels didn't blow off of that office chair. Yeah, they might've had the industrial sized ones. Okay, everybody, that's the show. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show.

Dick.Chu. I'll see you next Tuesday, or Monday. Should have pressed it already. I should have pressed it. Oh, wheeling this couch. Is the couch big enough? Is that going to be all right? Looks like a big clamshell. What kind of chair is this? Oh VIP VIP couch VIP couch you're rocking What what what what what what what what what?

Alright, let's see if I got any voicemails. Maybe a voicemail or two. Maybe. Y'all got a different chair? She wheezes. What's wrong with it oh yeah make her say it make her say it okay hey dick podcast property or Holy Spirit speaking through me Johnny how the hell are you go dick I just I don't want to pry too

much but I do have a question okay are you married I know or are you married and have a girlfriend? No, no, no. All right, all right. Yeah, that's why. Hey, Dick. Again, Grant Leahy from Gainesville, Florida. I just got to say, my middle name is Donald. Donald has never got me laid. But telling girls my name is Grant has always, it's like a built-in, uh, like, oh, I like your shoes. You know, it's like a, it's like a natural thing. And it's easy for me, and I don't even have to think about it, and it's unique to me. What the fuck is he talking, his name Grant got him laid?

Is he saying it's cause his, it sounds like money? I don't know. His name Grant got him laid? Uh, should I call my son Money? Ulysses. Ulysses? Yeah. Alright. What the fuck? How the fuck do I even sharpen these things? Can these things even be sharpened? Probably fucking not. But what the fuck am I supposed to do now? I'm over here-

Man, what are you doing by a nail- You just bite this end of your nails and peel them off. That's cool. Yeah. Why are you buying nail- Why are you buying a machine to do what you got in your mouth? It's satisfying. You don't have scissors?

You can't just pick them off like a fucking man? Yeah, just get a knife or something if they're too big. You need that notch. Once you get that notch in, then you peel that shit off. Ooh, that's clean. God, you've never been bored at work before? Yeah, how do you even like save your nails without picking at them to use a nail clipper? Then they're all jagged. You're doing it wrong, bud. Handicapped car tags?

Let's just call that what it is. Fraud. God is my witness I have not seen the first one that was a real handicapped person. Oh. They're walking out, they're parking in the handicapped space. I've seen a couple handicapped people. And not all frauds. They're just saving time. Because we're not fat enough. There's gotta be some kind of price. I'm pretty sure that there's a couple people, and I don't know if we need them.

Maybe one or two, yeah. Yeah, they're kind of annoying. When you have like 10 parking spaces and one of them's handicapped, that's unreasonable. Maybe if you have 100 spaces, there's one or two handicaps. Okay, but they're never all full. So obviously there's too many. Well, what's hilarious is this building I used to work in,

they did a remodel upstairs and then they were like, we gotta make the bathroom ADA compliant. That's great, but there was no elevator upstairs and the stairs were steeper than the, like. So you had an ADA compliant bathroom that was stairs. Upstairs that nobody could get to. That was ADA requirement. Wouldn't it be easier to just let handicapped people

park wherever they want, like in the middle of the road, like wherever? Shove them all in the ocean. Okay. Myself included, I mean. Dick, I got a couple of young sons. My advice for the vaccination schedule, the only ones you want to give your kid is going to be the STD ones as long as he's going to be around Vito. Other than that.

Okay. Okay. Thank you. I'll get right on that. He needs to go to East Swahili for the thing. Man, Vito needs to get his comic out. He needs to just drop it, put it out. For a guy who has money in his bank account, he acts like the brokeest motherfucker I've

ever known. Helpless, rather. He's on, he's arguing with people in've ever known. Ah. Helpless, rather. He's on, he's arguing with people in the YouTube comments. Wow! Who cares? Everyone's miserable. He said that on the show! He's like, yeah, we're all miserable. I'm like, I'm not!

I'm not? What the fuck? What are you talking about? No one is miserable! Everyone's having a great time! Listen, Vior, get your head out of your ass. Finish your fucking comic before Mint Salad buries you. Just put it out. Yeah. Don't even finish it. You're done. Just put it out. Don't even finish it. Just put it out and then put it out again.

Sell an addendum with new pages. Sell none of it. Get it out. Dick, what makes me a rage today is when you get people bringing their fucking little rats on planes. And I'm not talking about kids, I'm talking about dogs. Oh yeah, dogs. Because we had this bitch pull up on the plane Right and she goes a little chihuahua

And then she reaches into her bag and pulls out the biggest pair of fucking headphones. I've ever seen amazing On Thanks lady happen away fucking dogs Honor headphones going through a phone fucking jipper jappers going through and you know what women are so fucking stupid I should've taken it and should've taken the dog in the back and made everyone's lives a lot better Yeah, but yourselves. Bye. You should have pulled her headphones off her head and put them on yourself Yeah, feed it feed the dog diarrhea medicine and put them on yourself. Yeah.

Feed the dog diarrhea medicine. Codiarrhea causing medicine. Or just feed diarrhea. And I just want to go down to my main man, Sean. Audio engineer. You know, Sean. Well, he's not listening to this. Wrong voicemail.

I know it's not like an invention bonus episode, Tom. I had a pretty good one. That you would have, you know how like women love backup cameras? Well, every woman constantly talks about how like I always have to check the back seat of my car every time I get in Oh, yeah The moment that I'm gonna be raped. Yeah, kill me. Rape me. Sitting in the back seat of my car and so you put a It's cuz they say that because they know they've done something worth being strangled over that day.

Yes. Then they're like, I'm worried about someone strangled because I've been fucking around a lot. And they knew they didn't lock their car door, which is why someone would be in at the beginning. Yeah. At the moment that they turned on, right above their backup camera, it shows like the back seat of their car. But the main reason that you do this is because on Halloween, you just occasionally put like a couple of ghosts in the camera and then they turn around,

there's nothing there, and then the ghosts are disappeared on the screen. Do you mean actual ghosts? Is that what you're saying? Scaring the shit out of me right now. You need to put ghosts in the car? That's a hell of an invention. So they show up on the screen,

but they're not there in real life? That's a magical entity you're describing. This guy is on a whole different level. I'm terrified now. That was the invention of backseat camera, but then you put ghosts on it. And then it scares the shit out of you. Okay. Well, that's a good one. That's good.

You got to think of a funny name for it. You know, I don't care if you use my trash can on the day that it's out on the street. Okay. On the day of trash day. But you gotta throw, you know, your coffee cup or whatever into the actual trash can. You can't just throw it at me and expect me to pick it up when I go collect my trash. So what I've been doing is this has happened like three times now. Looters and polluters. I just believe it.

I just take my trash can in and now there's a couple pieces of litter outside and because it's a big deal now. You know, I'm not going to pick it up. I'm not going to pick it up. Nah, you have to pick it up. Just do it. Okay. Hey, Dick.

Hey, Johnny. Okay. Holy Spirit is speaking through me. Oh, Johnny. Okay. Holy Spirit is speaking through me. Oh, okay. You know, fuck it. Why don't I get in on the fatherly advice for you?

Okay. And here is my advice. Don't listen to any of these fucking idiots messaging you about, right, man? I know you know I'm a father, I've been a father and father and father and father. Let's be fathers. Every kid's fucking different. There's something to work for their kid might not work for your kid or vice versa.

Like fucking, I'm not a father. Just preface that. Ah, well, who needs your advice then? No, you don't get to do the advice game. It's terrible. Hey, Dick, what makes me rage is fucking fingernails. I got- Two fingernail voicemails? Different kinds of fingernails. I got two fingernails voice fans different kinds of fingernails my fingernails are are they grow very fast and they're like thicker sturdier fingernails and

I swear to God dude. I hate when they're too long and I hate it when they're too short Fingernails is this what the shows become? when they're too short. Fingernails? Is this what the shows become? Uh... Okay. Ask your accountant, CFO, or... No, that's in spam.

Okay. Hey, Decay Johnny. Why are women incapable of accepting anything tangentially related to Donald Trump as a win. Nothing can be positive if anyone is currently in the face of it. That's the women in your life are fucked. Yeah, you need better women around. You say, oh, let's get rid of the income tax. Oh, that's bad somehow to women.

What the fuck? My girlfriend thinks with Dogege Department of Government Efficiency, she thinks that they're getting rid of absolutely every government program that exists ever. That'd be great. That would be awesome. Yeah. It's not going to happen. She for some reason assumed that Doge was going to get rid of the Federal Housing authority. That'd be great too. People who got a cheaper houses. They loans were going to have for some reason their interest rates jacked up to sky high. That's already happening.

Why assume that? That's so fucking weird. Yeah, it is. They, nothing, absolutely nothing could be good. It's so dumb. Hey, if you read this on the show, don't say my real name. It's not funny. Uh... okay. And then he lists a bunch of names. I am Italian, Canadian, from Toronto, Canada. I wanted to thank you, Sean, Johnny, and Vito for all the hard work over the years. I've been a fan since the original show and even made Maddox's retarded Nazi list.

Sick. Good for you. I feel like you have helped me grow over the years with your wisdom, insight about society, political views, financial tips, how to deal with women, and how to tell people to fuck themselves. I've read your book and even bought it another two times to share with friends. Back in 2014 when I started listening, I was just 24 and a few years into my electrical apprenticeship to become an electrician. Fast forward to today, I'm 35, decently financially stable, a master electrician and I have started my own business with the help and guidance from my parents and

yourself I was able to successfully succeed Wow awesome successfully succeed I give you a lot of credit of the man I am today of the credit of the man I am today hopefully not don't give me credit for that grammar and words cannot thank you enough. People want to say negative things about you and your show. Who the fuck is saying negative things about me? But they don't understand the good insight that comes from it. Can you please sign the front cover of your book and send it back? I'm gonna frame it and display to my office. Sure. Enjoy the gifts. Trailer Park Boys is one of my favorite shows growing up.

Also the comic is better than Superkiller. Vito should take notes. I wish you and 80's girl the best with your baby and the new adventures ahead. Thank you for not killing yourself. Go fuck yourself. Am I supposed to read the, oh, Electrical Joe. P.S. when you and Vito rip on someone or something together it's music to my ears.

You guys are an unstoppable force just like the Hardy Boys in their prime. Keep it up and fuck Maddox. The shit hawks are coming. Let's see what you got here. This is to send back the book I think got the Ricky air freshener for the car that's a mate cool I wonder what that smells like weed does it smell like weed you think that's not open do you know yeah let's see. No, it smells, I don't know what that smells like. Smells like perfume.

And then the Trailer Park Boys Big Ass Comic Collection. Wow, thank you. Okay, very cool. I'll have to compare this to Superkiller, if it ever comes out. Yeah, wow, seeing a printed comic book in your hand is harrowing almost. Yeah, it is.

When does that happen? I don't know. Not on this show. Is this what they look like? How much do you think the color correcting screen was? Obviously, I don't think it was color corrected enough. And it's not as funny because this purple is not purply enough.

It's too much amethyst. Right. Because the this purple is not purpley enough. It's too much amethyst right you know Too the too much FF and not enough 56 you know yeah, it's slightly off the the Tones what are they called? Penta tones whatever they okay. Thanks guys. See you next week amazing