The Dick Show - Episode 450 - Dick on Hungry, Hungry Hooters

Episode Date: February 24, 2025

Hooters shuts down, government employees have to explain what they do, my allergy to spending money, the LAX wedding, a woman flies a plane into the ground, how the government ruined camping outdoors, lying is illegal in Germany, napkin deniers, people who say they're running late when they're already late, show tapestries, robots that sit on the couch, two Israelis get into a gun fight over antisemitism, and a gay version of the Smurfs theme song; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

La la la la. Cool. All right. You sound good, I think. I think so. Yay. I sound as good as I can sound, I think, but that's neither here nor there. Buh buh buh buh buh buh.

Hosting. Come on. Oh, live events. Yeah, okay. This is an event, of course. Live event. Brought to you by... This is event an event of course live event Brought to you by Go live But is it yeah, that's working all right. That's working. Yes, so if things are working

Corgan says I hope Johnny has a few words to say about veto today, you know Corgan I didn't talk to Vic or to Dick on purpose. I showed up late today. You got Vito so much on your mind, you get the names confused. Well, it's on you. You're wearing the pig shirt. I love this.

People love this shirt. You did such a good job. They just love it. You can see that from a mile away in Noed's Vito. You could also see Vito from a mile away in Noed's Vito, to be fair. See, even threw in his favorite expression. Oh, I got some words.

To be fair. Uh, okay, let's just make this up. Is this working? Come on, Rumble. Come on, Rumble! You're not one of the chosen few for Rumble, I think. Oh, yeah, like Dan Boingo and, uh, fucking Andrew Tate, whoever it is that they got. None of those guys.

Man, I've had a bad week. You've had a bad week? I have had a really bad week. What happened? My allergies just get worse every year. Oh shit. To the point where I got that eye wiggling thing. Have you ever had eye wiggles?

I've had the eye wiggling thing. Yeah, right? That's not a good thing. It's really annoying. You're dying, actively. Eye flutters. Yeah. And I've always, I think last time I talked about it

on the show, somebody suggested that it was an allergy thing. Oh. And I wrote that off, cause you know, how does it help me anyway? It's not like, what am I? Still getting eye flutters. And I'm sure that it is now because my allergies have been going nuts.

I had, I canceled all the bonus episode stuff this week because I thought I was sick. But then it always like takes, you know, right at the last minute, it takes a left turn where you're not sick, you have allergies. And then everybody, every neighbor of mine, everyone in the neighborhood decided to just run a chainsaw

through like all the, I hear them outside speaking Spanglish to the Mexicans, telling them how to cut through the Bogan Villa, and it's like, ah, can you guys stop, can you guys stop like just for today? I got everything in the house, I got everything shut. That's a bad word. My head feels like it's gonna explode, right? I can see all the pollen flying off I've got

hummingbirds trying to have sex outside I've got a bird feeder oh I've got that hummingbird crack outside and I kept hearing I got chainsaws on one side, and then I have at the hummingbird feeder when the chainsaws die out I hear a little lightsaber war going on. Yeah and I thought they were I thought they were fighting because they do fight each other but then I looked it up and it's they're they're mating apparently the hummingbirdsbirds So but it sounds like it sounds perfectly with like that song ass ass ass And now that I know they're mating That is the song right? It's like it's perfect. It's like the hummingbirds heard it

It's the one cycle they got going you know, it's pounding in my head Ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, ahs, We got the wedding venue locked down yesterday. Oh good. And I'm in a miserable state. Cause first of all, I'm spending money. Well yeah, that's worse than the allergies. Which I'm allergic to. I would take both eyes fluttering and have to spend a goddamn penny. People think it's the pollen that's causing these reactions to me, but it's actually just the money. Between the engagement ring, I thought I was going to be able to skate by with just like a proposal ring, right?

There's the doll. Yeah, I'll splurge a little bit on this cuz that's I'm not you know, we're not doing a wedding So we're not getting a bunch of other bands save 40 grand, right? No boy was that dumb. I'd like you know how they have that meme girls with a time machine I'm your granddaughter., girls with a time machine? I'm your granddaughter, really, boys with a time machine? It's me going back 10 minutes going, hey, what you're thinking right now is really stupid. Going back six weeks, hey, jackass, you're not gonna get out of getting the other wedding band.

I don't know why you think that's gonna happen, but that's not a real, that's not reality go ahead and unthink that bro Why don't you and put another put another two? Let's play the price is right game where you have to or pick which digit goes where guess where this six is going right? Surely not after the second comma I got second comma. And Bob got Bob Barker there going, oh look at his card, oh nope wrong you are. I feel like for every dollar that gets spent your beard gets a little more gray. You're just losing life force. The allergy doctor, my sister said you got to go to the allergy doctor and get a shot for all the pollen and I went in and I said, Doc, and he goes well

actually your test came back and it's, um, you're, uh, you're maybe the third or fourth person in history that this happened to. I read it about it in medical school. You're allergic to spending money. You're only the third or fourth person in history. I said, really? Affliction. You got to go get checked.

See, I think what's happening is men aren't going to go get checked out by the allergy doctor and it's like a silent thing and there's the being allergic to spending money is actually a very serious Medical problem, but it's an undiagnosed because we're not like autism in the 50s You know you just beat the kid right now all the kids are going getting in diagnosed It's like this huge explosion of autism is that why your heart palpitations when I get an email at exactly midnight every night That's an that's an allergic reaction. Oh, yeah something cleared I'm like, what do you mean something cleared? Can't you message can't you cue this up to send me this it like now nine in the morning when I have to wake up

I'm gonna not Yeah All these devices are really getting you know It's actually the emails that you guys queue up to tell me about the money that I'm burning through at 10 11 at night. That's the issue. Why don't you send me nice soothing Announcements at night. Send me like a free sample of something So sweet. No mysterious money was spent today. Just queue that up at about 1155 Oh, and put a little picture of that of the end of Mario 2 or Mario's sleeping in bed. Oh, yeah

That's nice. Yeah, what do you mean something left my account exactly right now? Your payment to what what what payment anywhere? So my money-spending allergies have just been you know, I forgot the, I forgot the best, I told that story last week of 80s girls' wedding plans getting ruined and I forgot the best part. What was the best part? So she tried to get us married on Valentine's Day.

Correct. And it got all messed up because the government sent an imaginary number back to her for the wedding certificate number. So she had to go through it again. And it was seriously wrong. So with Elon sending that email out, that's the funniest thing ever. That is the funniest thing ever. Hey, just what did you guys do this week?

And people are freaking out. I wonder why. That sounds like the response of someone who didn't do much of anything that week. And I see a lot of really smart people, you know, quote unquote, coming up with all these elaborate reasons why this is dumb, like, oh, this is stupid, just more bureaucracy. Doesn't he even know that people can just bullshit it but then I see smart people who have Number one had a job number two dealt with the government before or number three just They know women are fat pain. They are looking they're noticing. Okay, they're notice errs. Just enough They're noticing. Mm-hmm. Just enoughers. Just enough. They're noticing. Just enough noticing.

Keeping some of the noticing secret just for them. Yeah. You know? Don't just blurt out all you're noticing. And all these people are saying, oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, that'll, that's really gonna fuck some people over. Yeah. Hey, what'd you do this week? Oh, I bet you, I know, I can count, I know ten people off the top of my head that I know can't answer that email. Right? not even because number one because they're not there. They're not even there. They're not checking their email

Mm-hmm. I know I know some federal employees. I know some federal employees. I'm sorry It's okay. Yeah, I didn't know they were feds until this started. I didn't know they worked for the federal government I thought they were just I thought they were just rich or They're just like poor some people are just able to be poor They were just checking dicks in their own ass the whole time. Yes I thought they were just like I don't know how they're people are able to do this But some people are able to exist just on like no money They're able to eat and they're always taking trips and stuff and doing stuff. My great hearing about that. Yeah

And then they said, oh no, I just got that email. Like you work, you have a job and you work for the government. Oh, now I'm really, now I'm really upset, right? Yeah, I want to see your response to this email. Well, they said they're not going to respond.

Oh. And not because, not out of spite, but because they don't do anything. They don't have a job to report to. There's no expectations for them to do anything. The boss is probably the same way. They're just kind of on standby in case something happens. This is their job. I think people who are trying to fud and stump this amazing revolutionary innovation and concept of, tell me what you did this week or ever really, are not understanding the sheer size and scope of the ineptitude and incompetence and absenteeism

that is working for the federal government. You know what I mean? I bet you and I could rattle off a ten page email what we did this week. I could... Yes. Yeah. It would take me a week to explain to you what I did this week. I haven't even finished talking about what I did today!

Yeah. And it's already been 20 minutes. This is like... I'm thinking, do you guys... You guys who are saying this is a stupid idea What do you say to your wife when you get home from work? She goes what did you what did you do today? What are you like? Oh, how dare you ask? Oh, how dare you? Maybe you do say this how dare you?

Introduce bureaucracy to my Sitting at home eating dinner. What are you talking about? It's a dumb idea. What did you do today? What did you do today? It's like the first thing anybody asks ever in the history of the world all people of all cultures Talking about it's a dumb idea, what did you do today? What did you do today? It's like the first thing anybody asks ever in the history of the world, all people of all cultures, you meet them and they go, oh, what are you up to? What did you do? And then an amount of history that is accurate

to the context of your relationship. So if you just met, they kind of get a history of everything you ever did. If you know them intimately, it's what did you do since the last time I saw you? Discussing the past in context of you is an integral component of the human experience. What do you mean it's a dumb idea? It's everything. It's all that there is.

What did you do? How are the people you know and what have they done? What have you read? What have you watched on TV? What have you been listening to? What have you they done? What have you read? What have you watched on TV? What he been listening to what have you been thinking? What have you done? Tell me what if you didn't have breakfast this morning? Did you not have breakfast this morning, and what if it was the opposite? God she's god damn it

Contextualizing our past and our experiences in it is What it is to be human? Absolutely, I even used to tell my boss how I'd waste time at work and he's like alright like that's part of it I guess My god Dumb come on. Oh, man. Oh my God. It's so dumb. God, this is making my eyes, that's probably why all this government waste that's coming out, my allergies,

my money allergies are going crazy. We need the blood pressure thing back. That's probably why your eyes are so dumb. You know how they replaced the theme music to the Smurfs with some gay ass song? You know how they syndicate shows, and then they- They've done a lot of things to the Smurfs, as you've song. You know how they syndicate shows? They've done a lot of things to the Smurf. I got all excited about Goy Gamel.

Goy Gamel got me all jazzed up, and I was doing this elaborate thing to make fun of my wife. Right. Because she was worrying about the wedding, and I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna show you. Yeah, there's gonna be accordions in this episode of the Smurf. I'm gonna show you an episode of the Smurf where Papa Smurf gets worry warts.

And maybe that will help with your anxiety about the wedding. Because I'm not helping. Like, you know. Look. Did you start singing the Cavity Creeps song too? Just to really add some 80s stress to it all? She's like, I don't want to watch The Smurfs! I'm like, look, this episode of The Sm Smurfs where Papa Smurf gets worry warts It's gonna explain it all to you. Okay She goes how do you know about an episode where Papa Smurf gets the worry warts?

I think because it was a major episode in my it was a pivotal episode in my upbringing when I saw it when I was five years old I Said hmm. That's right. You got to relax. You got to stop worrying Papa Smurf You're gonna get warts. And then you gotta go get the pixies. You gotta go use the pixies for their promiscuity to lure out these Armenian, uh, the wart mongers. Right.

The Armenians, obviously. Obviously, yeah. To lure them out with their sexuality. You know, even when you're five, you know what's happening. You don't know, but you know what's happening. They're gonna fuck those pixies. I know what's happening. You don't know, but you know what's happening. The little pixies, they're gonna fuck those pixies. I know what's happening. Gazarian Mel. There's a whole racist stable of gargamels.

So I find the episode and I'm assaulted with this. Just atrocious version of the, you know, they like they replaced the Married with Children theme song too. What? It's not Love and Marriage on the DVDs. It's some goofball ripoff, like, Teemu version. Oh, that's a shame.

And it totally destroys it. Hold different show now. Yeah, let me see if I can. I don't even know if I can play it here. Let me see old Smurfs episode. Man, speaking of killing time at work, some asshole one time explained to me for an hour. Ah, this is 3D Smurfs. Yeah, what were you gonna say?

Oh no, he explained to me for an hour how the Smurfs were actually supposed to be all the sins, and that Gargamel was a priest trying to rid the world of all- and I was like... You still have eight hours to go. I hope you got something about the snorks too, Jesus. I can't find it, but they replaced it with some god-awful, some god-awful new intro, and I'm thinking, how can I show my son the Smurfs if they don't have the original destruction from mountain to shore, you know? He's gonna go, Dad, this is gay ass. From the seas to the shores, you know? Yeah, he's Palestinian. Dargamel's Palestinian.

Oh, that's why he has it out for the blue and white guys. Yeah. I see. Uh... Damn it, I can't find... All right, I don't know. Somebody find me the theme song of the Smurfs, please. And thank you. Um...

I can't show my son that. No. He's like, Dad, this is... It's about fairies and stuff? This is gay, man. I'm not watching. Where are you watching this stuff? It's like, Dad, this is, it's about fairies and stuff? This is gay, man. I'm not watching. What are you watching this stuff? I'm like, look, it's not, I'm gonna have to say, look, it's not, this wasn't always the theme song. The theme song used to be banging. It would go, da, you know, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh- of the- they replaced it with some gay-ass- same with married with

children. Same exact thing. Um, oh yeah. I forgot the best part of the wedding story. Right. And the worry wards episode, it didn't work. Cause she wasn't listening. She wasn't paying attention.

I kept saying pay attention to this. Look he's getting more rewards. That should be an invention for the problem, or the solutions episode is the knowledge that we'll never be able to get women to pay attention to anything we're watching. Yeah, come on. If you just had that, you know how much time in my day I would say? So much. Just look at, now I got a fucking rewind.

Like, no, now you know what? We're not watching anything ever again. They can't learn like that. They have to learn in like a, they have to sit around and talk about their feelings. You have to leave it on in the background forever until it picks up by osmosis. Yeah.

So the wedding. The war rewards, yeah. So that's stressed her out more. So she calls the government and we get through the, you know, get the new wedding license and stuff, marriage certificate, and she goes and checks and they're all sold out, right? Those spaces. Of course. And then I call JLP, email JLP.

He's like, yeah, I'll do it, right? Which is amazing. Amazing, right? Amazing. email JLP, he's like, yeah, I'll do it, right? Which is amazing. Amazing, right? So then I go back and I look at her thing to see if there's any spots that would free up, just to see it myself. And I say, honey, wait, where'd you reserve this?

She goes, LA, LA courthouse. You know, the big, beautiful courthouse downtown, right? You know, LA. Oh, I know, yeah. You know, Naked Gun, right, right? You know, you know, I like you know naked gun, right? Everybody knows iconic You know, we went there Maddox dressed like the Undertaker purple undertaker Just like an undertaker which turned out to be the second court appearance He was at unbeknownst to me at the time which he can stupidly confessed that is three hour documentary We got to do a bonus episode this week Patreon.com slash dick show and we'll actually do a bonus episode this week. We do. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show.

And we'll actually go through the content this time. Yes. Um, I said, you reserved it where? She goes, uh, L.A. Courthouse. I said, really? She goes, yeah. What do you mean? I said, well, I called Keon to see if he knew, and he said that L.A. Courthouse doesn't do weddings anymore.

They don't do that thing where the judge says like all of you are married, right? So I went online and I said, okay, where did you reserve it? Because Kion knows. You might know her thing or two. You calling Kion a liar? She goes, LA Courthouse, I'm sure. I said, let me see the receipt. And it says LAX courthouse.

Oh! I said, honey, that's... Oh no. I gotcha! I gotcha! And then I put on the ring of power, and I turned invisible, right? You just got the smile on your own dimension for a bit. I went around at super speeds. Freedom. I was around at super speeds. Freedom.

Running through walls. The freedom of being so right that it hurts. Gah! I calm down and I take the ring off. I say, well that's the LAX courthouse. He goes, what's that? I say, well. That X.

Is not a typo. That means it's the LAX Airport Courthouse. It could be any LA, LA1, LA2, you know. LA10. LAX Courthouse, which I assure you is not as nice as LA Courthouse. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You need to give a big you've got it. It's a sharpness contest coming live from Mount Grimonger deep in the heart of city If you're in your house stick match to make a the 20 million dollar man joining me back in black is Johnny the audio engineer Thanks for having still what's up, buddy? Oh, man. I woke up today, and I just checked X You know for yeah artists formerly known as Twitter. Yeah, and Why is it now? Why is it? Why is you know Neil hamburger, that there's more Superkiller fan art that looks better than

Superkiller than there is the actual Superkiller comic? Did you see that comic? That Superkiller comic? It's great. It looks so good. It's great. Why is that better than the half, like that looks like more effort was put into that. That guy, what is his name? Goner or something? Let me find up. Let me find his name. Let's find his name, because it's really funny. He made, he said, I started working on this last night

during the Biggest Problem episode, and now it's done. The correct hat and everything too, so it wasn't like, you know, this wasn't cooking. He just cooked it. He did an entire comic book. He did an entire one-shot comic book of Superkiller. It's so good. In two days, and it's perfect. Yeah, don't even... Just print that.

Don't shank... Yeah, just print that. That's it. It's perfect. It has the story, it's making fun of the... Superkiller comes in to kill the Shredder. He comes into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles universe, and his goal is to kill Shredder. Which is awesome. Destroy the... Right? That's his mission. A premise.

A premise. And the turtles, kind of a reverse, you know, twist. And the turtles show up at Comet Pizza, and to something with child pornography, right? There's all kinds of jokes. So it's topical, it's meta, it's got a twist, it's consistent. And then Riley and Mint are there doing the Pul fiction people like every any one of you move incredible Let me find what his name is Drongo I started this quick super killer one-shot during the show yesterday to tie to tie over us It's tied us over I think Don't even if that doesn't even matter to me. Me either. You know what?

Me either really. This comic is so good. The rest is so well done, I consider this a typo. You got all the grammar buffs are on. I actually think I might be saying it wrong, it's so good. To tie us over, fully edged fans till anticipating the big release. I actually don't care about the release now because this is this is better Here we go he knows one shot Funny accurately sized even the time the time is a factor When you do when you pump something out in such a short amount of time it makes makes it a lot more impressive, you know? Like, look at this shit.

Well, the form is all there. You see it and you know exactly what's going on. You don't need any of the details. There's plenty of details, but it's just like, you don't- Yeah, look at that. And then he's even got a thing. He's selling medallions for some reason. It's a medallion with Sculpey clay, of course.

That's- I don't know how you deal with that. What do you answer to that? The guy made it in two days? You have to drag and drop every super killer asset into your recycle bin and hit erase because that guy murdered you. You're done. Dick's wearing a pig shirt.

You're done. You're so done. You know what? Um, uh, 80's Girls has this app that says like how big the baby is. Oh shit. And like what's going on with it. Uh, it was a Pokemon card last week I think. Every week

it updates with like facts. Oh that's cool. Like if it's gonna be gay or not, stuff like that. Yeah. So I like to, you know, I like to keep tabs on it. Um, this week, it's as big as an avocado or a donut or something. I forget what the 90s reference was. But... But...

I was reading it and buried in the things that are happening in baby land this week. It's getting blood. It said the circulatory system is now complete. Oh. So, apparently. It didn't have blood in it. It didn't have blood, or it didn't have all the blood, or something. I don't know, but I'm not stupid, because the app said that it is complete, okay?

So it was incomplete before. I don't know what that means But it means it was not a stupid question You got to kick that lady's door and until we're based off hydraulics for the first couple weeks I'm gonna whoop her ass. I'm gonna show up there. So shove that app down her throat I'm gonna get a cop uniform and say like I'm from Planned Parenthood. I'm gonna here to kick your ass I'm here to whoop your ass lady For that insane and the look she gave you too. I know that was the worst part

Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass I don't know hummingbirds. I guess you know I knew that they made it, but I didn't know What I didn't know it looked so funny. Such a little bird is so loud. They're so aggressive. Yeah. Zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz. Damn, dude. Yeah, I'm trying to sit outside smoking bowls,

and what do you know? There's a million hummingbirds in there. Right over me. Zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz. Man, you gotta calm down. Move it over there. Maybe, I mean, that is chill for hummingbirds. I don't know. I guess so. Doesn't sound chill. doesn't sound chill.

Doesn't sound chill. That kind of stuff. The way you're doing that would not be considered chill by other species standards. I'd tell you that much. Speaking of mating, here is, here's Elon Musk's texts to that hoe over there. Oh Christ.

I don't know if you saw these, but something about them I found very amusing. Elon Musk says, hi cutie, hi, see you soon. And she sends this titty pic of herself. So she took pictures of these texts that were set to expire in a day, right? Like obviously he's using signal. Of course, yeah. You know, so this doesn't happen.

And this hoe is taking pictures of, you know, just the depravity. Send her to Gitmo. Yeah. Cut that kid out. Send her to Git-ho, you know? Send her to Git-ho. Yeah. We'll go waterboarding in Git-ho.

Am I going to Git-ho? Am I going to Git-mo? You're going to Git-ho. Git-ho. You're gonna Git-mo with his dick. It's mo this fucking waterboarding. Gotta lock this bitch up. This is treason. Elon Musk is trying to save my taxes, okay?

We don't have time for this sort of baby daddy bullshit. This Jerry Springer, Maury, Jamal, it's your son shit. Bafoonery. This is bafoonery. This is ghetto bafoonery. This is Jerry Springer trailer park trailer trash Malarkey, yeah, we're only Dr. Phil level trash here. Yeah, we're about dr. Phil a serious program. This is this is trash We don't have time for this. We're saving the universe from taxes That's a noble cause. Yeah, that's a very no biggest problem

I guarantee you if there is sentient life out there in the universe, the biggest problem they have is taxes. Vote it up. Because there are a bunch of dumb motherfuckers that don't know how to write an email. They can't even make it up what they did. That's the most amazing part. They're so stupid, they can't even sit there and go, what'd you do this week? I shipped out 100 funglars. I busted, I threw some crack heads out of the bathroom.

There's a big orgy in there. It's a big problem. I tossed them out in their ass. I gave CPR to, like they can't even, it's such a good test to make somebody say what they did for work this week. Because these guys are so useless, they can't even imagine having done something. Well it's the whole breakfast question all over again. Yes. What did you do this week? Make something up. I can't. I can't imagine. I sat around in my pajamas. I'm telling you I can't. That's not a job.

Everyone's melting down about it. I ate cereal. No, that's something that you did. What is something that you didn't do that you could have done? Can't imagine it. I can't help you with that. Sorry. I did everything I wanted this week. Yeah, nothing. I watched Severance again. Christ. Have you watched that show? No. It's amazing. People keep talking about it. So I'm like, nope, not doing it. I watched one episode and I wasn't really paying attention. You need that invention now, too.

You know what? I do. I watched one episode, and I didn't know that only one episode was free, unlike Apple. So I started playing another free show. And I... I came back, and I was kind of watching it, and I'm like, this show sucks. And I had noticed it was like all different characters and just totally different everything the lighting isn't the same at all

So I woke up the next day and I said my girlfriend like oh, yeah She she she brought it up and I said, oh, yeah that show sucks and then Then I then I then I realized it that night when she went to bed. I was like, oh Only one episode was free. Okay, you got to double down. Well. Yeah, it's like it's still not that good, so I So I went on Plex you know I watched the real show like illegally and it's awesome. Is it? It's awesome It deserves you got to watch it right? So then she had she met this pregnant girl to see if like they could be friends. She's trying to be friends with pregnant girls. Amazing.

Yeah, cause there's no, you're practically dead. Yeah. If you're like, if you have a kid, you know, you're out. But especially if you're a woman. Um, cause these hoes just want to drink. They just want to go out and drink and be whores. So she comes back and she goes, oh yeah, my new friend loves Severance. I said, that show is awesome. And she goes, you said it sucked. And I said, oh yeah, because I, well, because I didn't know that it had changed to a different show. I thought, and that show sucked. She

was, well, I almost said my boyfriend hates it when I met her like well you shouldn't be gossiping about me Cuz that would have been a lie Yeah, don't don't ever talk about you know do me a favor tell me what I think about Israel You know that you wouldn't say that right accidentally say that right not the JQ Oh, yeah, so this is this is Elon to this ho. Hi cutie, hi, see you soon, she says. He says, I wanna knock you up again. And then she says, she posts this gigantic

paragraph of shit at like 10.30 at night, which is a huge red flag. I'm not reading that shit at 10 1030 at night, which is a huge red flag. I'm not reading that shit at 1030 in the morning. Yeah. Anything longer than three lines is an instant ender. No brevity and no levity. No levity. You get no more levity from me.

So she posts this giant nonsense thing about, I assume it's about wanting more attention, because if a woman ever writes anything that's longer than three lines, that's what she's saying. You fucked up. I need more attention from you. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I want to waste more of your time. That's what it is. That's why I've written such a long paragraph. This was to waste your time, because you're not wasting enough of your time on your time. That's what it is. That's why I've written such a long paragraph. This was to waste your time because you're not wasting enough of your time on your own. So I'm gonna waste your time forcefully by making you read all this. Getting taxed somehow buddy. And he says, hmm okay.

She has this, alrighty then, passive aggressive meme, and he says, well we do have a legion of kids to make. What's funny about this is this is exactly the same lines that Chris the Kiwi uses to talk to prostitutes. This one especially, I want to knock you up again, which I thought was interesting. There is really, it is really the money that makes them different. Do we play a game of, is this a Chris the Kiwi tweet

or a Elon Musk? Or Elon Musk. I wanna knock you up. Whose text is it, yeah. I feel that a certain point we'll be able to tell right away, but you know. I couldn't tell based on this. Hi cutie, I wanna knock you up. He sent that, and Vince usually's usually followed up by fuck you.

If there's a fourth slide where he says, I'm gonna chop your tits off, then you know all bets are off. Oh, well then he kinda does. Okay, this is the third text that he sent. I get credible death threats. I get credible death threats. I'm number two after Trump for assassination.

Wake up. This is not the time for sentiment at the exposure of safety. If I make a mistake on security, blank will never know his father. She bleeped out the name of their kid. Will never know his father. And she says that's why the father's spot in his birth certificate is blank right now and why he has my last name. Necessary for now,

only the paranoid. So we can't talk about this baby because my enemies are after me. I just picture him looking through the blinds all day, just like my enemies, my enemies. My enemies. Staying awake for 72 hours. You're dancing around on stage at the Chainsaw,

but you can't put your name on the birth certificate, you mean? Uh-oh. That doesn't. That's my enemies. My enemies. Can we go out for Valentine's Day? That doesn't- Oh, that's my enemies. My enemies! Can we go out for Valentine's Day? Bitch, my enemies are- they're all over.

My enemies are- My eyes- Yeah. My shooters are everywhere! Bitch, I can't go to no fancy dinner? Maybe he's a lot funnier than I gave him credit for. That's pretty- Bitch! Are you nuts?

Elon, will you- do you want to see your child? Bitch, my enemies are every which way right now! I can't see the fuck- I can't see you or the child! I can't even talk about this! Cause I got too many enemies! It's great. Isn't it- isn't that- that's a... That's a new solution.

That's my new way of telling people I'm not gonna do something. Can we talk about, uh... Can we talk about the, uh, wedding plans? Bitch, my enemies are... Don't shut that shit up! Wake up! Yeah. My enemies are all about today!

Take it to signal, don't be talking... There's mics in this room, really? Say it! You can't... Don't even think it! You're gonna get picked up by my enemies! Mm-hmm. Whew!

I'm number two on this. I'm number two! Whew! Can't be talking about no wedding plans right now. It's like I'm this shit and they're all just poop stains. Whew! Who do you think you... Who do you think I am? I have enemies. That's stupid. That's the funniest.

We can't put that I have a son. I can't put my name on that birth certificate. My enemies will take control. Again, just the thought of him peering through the blinds all day is just the funniest. Yeah, it is. That's usually when people tweet that kind of shit, that's what they're doing. He hasn't texted it, but still. I was the one who told Dick about that app.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think you were. Vito's getting fleece spies. Oh, everybody's very into the super killer drama. Because it's, well, super killer is not finished, but everyone else's fan art is so good. I'm sitting next to a fucking super killer coaster that someone else made, and it looks better than anything Vito did with super killer. What the fuck is this, Vito?

Uh, oh yeah, super killer in ISOM 3, everybody's really into right now. Yeah, I saw Vito shitting on ISOM 3. The man again of no... no comic himself. Yeah, bad comics better than no comics. Comics, comics everywhere, but not a page to read, you know. Oh, whoops whoops whoops whoops. No, I didn't mean to go there. I meant to go here. This is ISOM 3. I think this is up-to-date data. As you know, last time we checked in on ISOM, Riley had just beaten the rap.

That's right. And avoided jail time and a plea deal. Shout out to Young Clipper. And then ISOM 3 launched. And Insom 1 got about 4 million bucks, Insom 2 got about 2 million, and then Eric decided to call me the N-word. Inexplicably. Just because I gave good notes on how to improve the story.

That was bad. That was one way to street, so you know, gotta get a shot in where you can. I don't know why I needed to be called the n-word It's happened to me I didn't call him the n-word Oh, you know, so cut him off in traffic or something I Wasn't playing my speakerphone on the bus Okay, what was I was I was I on the bus playing my speakerphone? Huh?

Maybe he thought you were just doing a really good job. I don't know. Maybe he was for Black History Month. Was it? Is that why? It's inclusive of him. Was it like the Denzel way? I don't think so. I've watched Training Day. I don't think it was a term of endearment. Oh. You know, sometimes lines get crossed in the internet. I don't think so. I've watched training day. I don't think it was in a term of endearment. Oh You know sometimes lines get crossed in the internet was I hanging out outside 7-eleven

We're trying to get a free cigarette. No, I think you interrupted Michael Richards comedy act did I interrupt your comedy act? You must have did I enter with I interrupt Michael Richards Richards comedy act. Is that what happened? Was I down at the Laugh Factory? heckling Michael Richards, act? Is that what happened? Was I down at the laugh factory? heckling Michael Richards? No! I wasn't doing any of those things. Still, I get called an N-word. Totally. Three times! Three times! The cock crowed. The crow cocked. It's like a Beetlejuice. Yeah, and then I show up! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, oh yeah. What's a little coat on your arm? Ah, fetal juice, fetal juice, fetal juice.

It be showtime. At the Apollo. It's showtime at the Apollo. Totally, totally inexcusable to call me that. It's a little rude. Just a little. And now here we go, I saw them three coming in at $280,000. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! That's a 95% drop.

And that is about 20K short of the sales goal, which is in big red numbers. Sales goal that he put up, assure that they would blow by it within the first hour. Pride comes before the fall, man. Keep that shit to yourself. Ooh, now who's the N word? Oh, ooh, that credit's gonna be piling up.

Oh, 280,000 does not buy you a warehouse. And a staff of 12 employees making videos. And pretending to be a family online. That is barely enough for one person. Somebody's gonna be sending out an email that says, what have you done this week at the Rip-A-Verse? Give me five things, and if you don't answer you're gonna be fired Because I can't afford all of this how long till clip-a-verse moves in instead

This is what I'm gonna get a deal on that warehouse. That's what I'm saying. It's you know, get a sublease. Oh Save it fire sail it two hundred and eighty thousand. That's not gonna do it. Oh Fire sail it. 280,000, that's not gonna do it. Oh. Guess you should've tried to make a good story. You know? You know, when like the basis of like, well we're making money.

It's like, or the basis of what you're doing is like, look at all this money we're making. That's not a story. That's not a story. I'm beating Marvel in DC. I'm doing everything that the establishment doesn't do, and I'm doing it right.

Those are stories that people will buy and get behind. I'm making money. I'm afraid not. That's how you lose it. That's not a compelling story. We're in a storytelling business, Eric. I think you forgot that. What did you do for work this week?

What is your story now? We make money? Now what is it? She's not making money. We make mistakes. We make mistakes. That's the story. We make mistakes.

That's a good story. I'm pointing out scams. That's a story. Mm-hmm. People get behind that. Hey everybody watch out for that guy. He's scamming. Oh really? How's he scamming? Well, let me tell you. Let me- let me- let me regale you in this tale. How many secrets you got? Nobody goes to church to hear about how much money the church has. That's not a compelling reason to go. Dummy. You fucking idiot, Eric.

Good times. Okay, what do I have here? Eye wiggling, yeah. Oh, a jack-off club for men. Johnny, do you jack off? for Men. Johnny, do you Jack-Off? Do I? Boy, do I. When don't I? You might be interested in the Jack-Off Club for Men. This is...

This isn't just like an audiophile support group or like, oh, shoot. Doge-style citizen journalists in Washington state uncovered that the Arts Commission is giving tens of thousands of taxpayer funds to Pan Eros, a sex nonprofit that organizes a jack-off club in Seattle for men and women who identify as men. I thought it was more like a metaphoric thing like, oh, you Harley driver or Harley riders. Okay, that makes sense. You're all in the jack-off club. It's the same guys. Jack-off club, yeah. Would have thought it was a little less on the tip. On the literal?

Yeah. The Rain City Jacks. Wow, men sharing masturbation. The Rain City Jacks. Is this real? Puts a new spin on the term New Jacks Swing, you know, like, Jesus. Seattle Jackoff Club.

It received $60,000 in government grants. Oh, okay. Only 60 grand? That's it. That's practically nothing. Why is anyone even upset? That's enough for... Nothing. How many pennies is that? Every taxpayer had to pay how many pennies? Two pennies? For the Jackoff, the Seattle Jackoff Club? I would like my pennies is that? Every taxpayer had to pay how many pennies? Two pennies? For the Seattle Jack-Off Club?

I would like my pennies back. I want to see like some like... I want the cum shoved back into the dicks too. Rain City Jack's like athletic department or like athletic club like... shirts like that's... Rain City Jack... Who... Who thought of that? You couldn't charge them money to get into the Jack-Off club? The Price Club charges, you know, Costco charges a membership fee, right?

They're not paying a membership fee to get into the Jack-Off club? That seems like bad planning. Okay. Well, yeah, it's like paying more at Chipotle, right? You do all the work yourself. Yeah, I'm doing all the jacking. Yeah, it's not like anyone else is jacking me off.

I'm just gotta sit here and fucking... Come on, man. I'm here looking at fat guys trying to jack off. Okay, here's... It's not the Finisher's Club, it's just the jack-off. Jack-in-off Club. There's no coming allowed, you gotta get out of here. That's it, buddy, we warned you.

Yeah. You have to be in your own VR headset. If you come, they kick your ass Jack and you are yeah now you're gonna get it. I IRS employees are crying about getting fired. Oh, that's a shame Air them out of a fucking cannon. Mm-hmm Trump voters who got laid off from the IRS say I thought that someone with his business Acumen would come in with a fine tooth comb and actually found waste instead of coming in with a wrecking ball

and destroying people's lives for no reason. That's the ironic statement of the fucking century. The IRS complaining about ruining people's... Nobody who makes less than a million dollars a year should pay any Income tax it's just it's just a pun. It's a sick punishment that they did they it's like almost no money from Normal people paying income tax. Oh, yeah goes to the government even if the government wasn't just printing money, and we don't need to take any in Almost none of it certainly none that we actually need comes from people making less than like $200,000 a year.

But it shouldn't be under a million. It's insane what you can say. By this guy's logic, it's like, what if he went in through with a fine tooth comb and it got stuck and he was like, you know what, just get rid of all of it. Get rid of all of this. That's much easier. They just, they live in a fantasy world, you know?

I think they're gonna, I think they're gonna, I think they're gonna fire all these federal employees. Like let's say millions of federal employees get canned, right? That'd be great. That'd be great, right? And then they would, all these millions of people, they're all Democrat voters. They would all go to, they now, with no federal job,

which the federal workforce has just been subsidizing, like, has just been, it's just a different kind of welfare, right? So people who are totally useless, they can't do anything. They go get government jobs that you can never get fired from, and then they're, it's just a different form of welfare. They don't, no one like sneers, people sneer at them, but not as much as like EBT people, right? But it's just, they're just as worthless as each other. Just as well. They can just, they just have different friends and they can go to a meeting without playing

music on their cell phone. Right. You know, no one ever had to tell them, Oh, do you play music on your cell phone? No? You can go get a job with the government. Do you? Oh, yeah, you have to go to wait in line at EBT. You don't use voice to text loudly, do you? Yeah.

They're all gonna get fired and they can't compete in the real world, these millions of federal employees. So they're gonna have to compete with illegals for welfare. That's funny. I think, if that all plays out, I think you're looking at like a serious Democrat Hitler 2.0. Like, oh, uh, well I, uh, yeah, we gotta get rid of these guys. Uh, now. Millions. We have to really seriously deport, like, internment camps, get rid of them now. I need handouts. Yeah.

I can't contribute anything. And I don't, I don't work in reality, so these, like, concepts of, concepts of violating people doesn't work on me. So we're gonna just take all these people and liberate them back to wherever. Shove those numbers around, motherfuckers. Yeah, we gotta start moving some people around here. It's gonna be funny to play out if it happens. I don't know. Maybe they won't fire everybody, but... Well, the mental gymnastics is so impressive of like Yeah, well, we can't have this. It's like yeah, but that's directly fucking you but I

But I want it you don't understand and I don't think you do You know when he talks about government waste and all that I'm behind it You are the government waste the entire IRS is all just stolen money. Yeah, by standing up and being like, well, see, it's like you're the one who hid the thing, and you're like, well, see, I'd help find it. We're all looking for the guy that's fucking us over. It's you.

It's you, the guy dressed like the hot dog. You're doing it. You're taking everyone's money and lighting it on fire. It's you. Well, without me, who would pay taxes? Yes, exactly. We're gonna kill you. And then none of us will pay.

Yes. Now you're getting it. Now you're getting it. Yeah, but I work hard. Yeah, you're a bad guy. Yeah. You are bad. We're stopping you.

One day they'll never understand it. Because you guys just do, you'll just always do this evil if someone tells you and pays you You will fuck people over so we have to get rid of you endlessly to endlessly you'll do it endlessly Because you think it's good Yeah, I can't bloody I don't understand why what's Trump thinking he's getting rid of the IRS How are we gonna fuck people over? Yeah, that's exactly now you somehow you somehow you still don't get it. Help change things that are wrong with the world, you know? Yeah, you! I thought that someone with his yeah, there you go. And part of the reason why I actually wanted to work for the government is to help change the things that are wrong in the

world, you know? The best thing he could do is get fired. that are wrong in the world, you know? The best thing he could do is get fired. Well, the best thing would be to erase everyone in his family tree back to the beginning of time. Correct. But the second best thing is certainly to get fired. Okay. And then have to compete in welfare too.

And then line up for welfare and compete with everybody else. Compete with everybody else who just doesn't want to work or can't. Also, because of your dumb voting. Okay. Let me see if I have any more fed stuff. It's so funny reading their reactions to how much everyone hates them. Yeah, IRS is in meltdown mode.

How is there a fort going to the jack-off club all the time? You mean I'm fired and they close the jack-off club no No way that sucks It's a mess a lot of tears and employees reveals the new trail of tears Yeah, whip them send somebody in there with a little buggy whip and whip the shit out of them. Someone with spurs and like a little revolver just, yah, yah, shooting them. Mhm. Send a bunch of people in there dressed like cowboys. Like, send a bunch of people in there and do their makeup like Primus.

When Onewna's got a big brown beaver music video. You know, and they had their heads all square like Red Dwarf, like that guy. And just whip them. That'd be great. Kick their ass. Uh, okay. I love how they wear it as like some badge of honor, like, well, I work at the government. It's like, that's not any, that makes you a worse person.

Why does it feel like nobody outside the government cares what's happening right now? No, we care. We hate you. Wherever I tell people what's happening right now? No, we care, we hate you. Wherever I tell people what's happening in the federal government right now, they're like, damn, that sucks. And then they move on to a different topic. They're the same motherfuckers who've been doing it to us the past however long shit's been suckin'.

100 years. You guys have been fucking us over for 100 years. Finally, I feel like Martin Luther King Jr., MLK Jr., right? With your 99 Thesis on the door? No, I'm just... Martin Luther. I always get those guys confused. Yeah. They didn't know people hated them.

Oh, yeah. Meltdown mode, okay. You mean to tell me that the agency causing meltdowns and for you causing more suicides than probably any other agency. Did they think it was like a meme? Like it's just a joke? Yeah. Oh shucks, you know, taxes. No man. Yeah. I would kill you to keep this money, but I can't.

Yeah, so now you get fired. Hahaha, what are you talking about? Don't talk to me or my money ever again. Here is Yosemite. I guess, you know, they got this thing called outside. Have you ever heard of it? No. Tell me more. So, you know, people were born in like cubes,

in like wooden cubes all around the earth. Okay. And then they invented outside, but it's very treacherous to go into and you need like experts to lead. You can't go, if you go outside without a government employee there, like a park ranger, you could,

you almost certainly will die. I wondered why I felt safe in this wooden box. Yeah, it's, humans are meant to be in some sort of box. The size of the box is You have to be able to see all the sides once you if you lose sight of one of the sides of the box Crash out you just crash out Holler at a tree or something you just you make a box for yourself So they that Yosemite they like fired all these national park guys. Finally. I know.

I fucking hate, I hate park rangers. All they do is they enforce like, they change the parking requirements. It used to be when you were a kid you could just drive to a national park and either camp in a spot or just camp like wherever. But now, because of the park rangers and because of tourists, because of Asian tourists and Indian tourists, it's impossible because they reserve the five camping spots. There's like, there'll be like a 6,000 acre park

and there'll be four camping spots. Say, OK, well, I don't think you need like a, it's fine to get a reservation system and a bunch of rocks outlining where it's a nice place to put your tent that's fine but it doesn't mean you needed to make it so that it was illegal to put a tent anywhere else in the whole outside! Limited space outside man. Oh okay oh it's full I'll just go put my tent. No, you can't you have to go home. Why?

Because if we let people camp wherever they want it would totally fuck up outside You don't understand how much maintenance we have to put into being outside It's it really it sounds you have to put more maintenance into outside than I do in my little box It sounds like you can't just have, hey, I know back at my little box, I can put people pretty much anywhere. Put a tent over there. Yeah, put a tent over there.

Doesn't really matter, but outside, I guess it doesn't work like that. You have to have a tent in one little area that has rocks around it, or else it fucks up the whole ecosystem and this moon will crash into the sun. What were you gonna say? I was gonna say, God forbid, you know, it's easier to check into a hotel at any hour in the morning

Yes, yeah Than it is to just go outside and set up a tent. Than it is to go outside. Which by default was the way we just used to exist. It's so stupid. I hate the park system so much. Yeah, you used to just be able to pull... I remember as a kid you could just Go up any time pretty much and accept if it was like summer or like a good weather season. Well, dude, people reserve the spots and they'll just,

it's so cheap, they'll just grab like seven days or the max and then figure out when they get there. So you have days hanging off at the beginning where it's empty and days hanging off at the end. And if you don't have your name on the board, the dumb park ranger will come around and say like, oh, are you sure you're outside correctly? Because if you don't follow the rules outside,

everything will get all fucked up. We can't just, this beautiful park that's existed for millions of years, it'll get all fucked up if a tent is in the wrong place. You may as well strip mine the whole area. You might as well just, even if it's on, it can survive it all being on fire, but you having a tent that's over there is gonna fuck the whole thing up.

It's so stupid. So they're all getting canned. They're all getting fired. Good. Awesome. Yeah, it's really, it's really amazing. So I guess some, like, some Chinese tourism group isn't gonna be able to do outside correctly anymore, because there isn't some lesbian park ranger there to help them.

So they hung a American flag upside down at the Yosemite National Park, which has like a Gelsons in it. In the middle of Yosemite National Park, it has a supermarket. What the fuck is that? Yeah. I remember going to Yosemite as a kid and it was like, here's a shitty little general store with tiny little cereal boxes in it, maybe cold... No, it's a full on Gelsens now. You buy chips...

What's the point of going out there? I don't know. It's some kind of outside museum. That... all the fun has gone from that. Yeah, brilliant protests, Yosemite National Park workers hung an upside down American flag. Traditionally a symbol of distress or a national... Oh, thanks for the pop-up history on that. Traditionally a symbol of distress. Yeah? You don't think we know that at this point in society?

So you guys are allowed to fuck up your mountains, but I can't put a tent over there? But if there's too many tents, I have to go home? See if there's park rangers, then they could have stopped that. Yeah. And the guy who had like, they couldn't unlock the bathrooms, because the guy that had all the bathroom keys didn't show up, or he got fired or something. That's funny. It is funny.

That's actually really funny. So I guess everyone's shit in a bucket or something, I don't know. I don't know. As they should. As, you know, that's the real nature way, right? The bears are shitting outside. Why can't I do it? Mm-hmm? So yeah as answering or asking the real question. Mm-hmm. Does a bear shit in the woods?

um Uh oh Woman alert You're never gonna guess what happened. I You know they let a woman fly a plane again. Again? Remember what happened the last time? Man. You know, with all these continued mistakes, it's like AI is running this whole thing.

One day, the procedure will learn better, but you know. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That's a lot of tabs open. They said, well, that was just, that was a helicopter, so surely they could fly a plane. They're easier to fly than a helicopter, so we're not going to let them fly any more helicopters, but. But we will let them fly a plane. Here is.

Delta, OK, this is this is Delta's video. They have unmanned aircraft. Correct. It was women flying it. Yeah, they made a video about it cuz it's so cute There's like a bunch of women it's kind of insensitive that they say it says did somebody say slay and then she killed a whole Yeah, okay, and then here's here's the second video they made, Delta. Here's a plane falling out of the sky, crashing directly into the runway,

and catching on fire, and then flipping over, flying upside down. It's impressive. Not in a good way, but impressive nonetheless. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, man. Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, it's so impressive what your broads are doing. That is, you know. Why don't you keep the planes up? Pump those numbers up.

See, this is, I don't know how, like, big planes work, but I know in a small plane, this is kind of hard to do. Like, if you watch, okay, right there, there's an amount, there's an area where the plane is closer to the ground, where there's a natural buoyance to the plane because of the air pressure. If you're within like one wingspan of the ground,

there's a ground effect that keeps your plane hovering and you have to force the plane down for the last, for the last like, however big the plane is, you know, like 10, 30 feet. So it looks like she just forced it and then I don't see any pause in that range. It looks like she's just forcing it. I've, you know, I flew little planes

and when you get to that point, you have to push it down. Makes sense, yeah. It resists, the ground and the air resist you in the last 10 or 20 feet. Yeah, until you finally get past that. Until you finally get under that pressure, that air pressure, and then you hit the ground. It looks like she just

dives right down she look at the angle on that whammo like a space shuttle right into the ground she's going in for a water landing oh man oh man. That's a pretty crazy, you know. When do we get to start asking? Like, hey, can you tell the pilot to like, just say hi? Can you tell the pilot not to scrape the rims on this fucking thing?

Yeah, can you get the pilot's dad, right, on speakerphone? Just get him, you know, keep him on standby. Because he'll know if she's fucking up. The oil change in this plane? Yeah. Yeah. Can you patch the pilot's dad in please so she's like paying attention? Can you put up some TikTok videos on the side. Can you tell the pilot that her husband said she would crash the plane, please? She'll show him. Just for like just for safety's sake.

You make us watch all these- you guys make us watch all these stupid safety things that we don't need, so just do the bare minimum and tell the woman pilot not to fuck up. Yeah. Just say, hey knock knock on her head Don't forget to not crash the plane into the ground. I Have to practice buckling my seatbelt and I know how to do that. So it shouldn't really be an issue They're like just in case you haven't been alive for the past 50 years. Here's how you buckle a seatbelt. Yeah exactly Oh shit, is that how you do it?

Oh shit, okay. How's the sound, everybody? Tone it down, credit horror, how about I camp? How about I camp where I want? That's exactly what I'm saying. Amen. Yeah, how's the sound in there? You can camp where you want

if you're willing to defend yourself. They'll send out, they got unlimited park rangers. Not anymore. Oh, it's so great. I hate them. Start camping everywhere. They've never helped me one time, never. And they never get involved when there are assholes around.

They just kind of look at you like it's your problem. Yeah. Well, you know, I got too much nature to preserve, so you're gonna have to settle that on your own, buddy. You mean these 10 camping spots aren't enough? Well, they're not giving us enough money to make more So what do you expect us to do? Yeah, just let people camp wherever there's a million There's a zillion camping spots that I can see look. There's one right there. Oh Look, there's one right there. You know much money the parks would make if they did that

Enough to keep yeah enough to keep you fuckers employed. Uhhhh, okay. Too much thinking. Apple removes UK protection. Yeah. Well, here's a shitty robot. Oh, it's 120 already? Shit. Alright, let's get to some comments.

Speaking of shitty robots, yeah. These robots that they're putting up just look like crap. Let me see here. Dude, ever since the, again, I keep going back to it, but they did that Osmo robot, Honda did. Yeah. And then it just never got any better. It's getting worse, I think.

I think so. Let me find it. There's like, here's this thing that looks like those, like, robo pups from 2000s. it's like, oh that's cool. They made one that looks like it's getting tortured. Robots, robots. Yeah, look at this guy. Shitty robot commercial.

Okay. And then here's's, uh... This is a real weird one. What the hell is this? Like Silent Hill robot. It's like a bunch of weird sinew, robo sinew and tendons. Is this an art piece? That's what I was gonna say, it looks like an art piece. Proto-clone, the world's first bipedal musculoskeleton android. Looks like crap.

Why don't you guys wait till you have a good video to put up? Someone made QWOP IRL finally. Awesome. Make it run. This looks like shit. Stupid. It's got a weird umbilical cord coming out of his ass. Yeah, but think of all the math someone had to put into that, man.

Think of all the effort. Yeah, look at all this effort. Looks stupid. Stop putting this crap out. Someone had to put into that man think of all the effort. Yeah, look at look at all this effort looks stupid Stop stop putting this crap out introducing neo gamma Another step closer to home. Okay, let's see we got some Shitty stupid looking robot in like a white people fantasy house where all of black mirror is set in this white people fantasy house that's all in the trees somewhere that looks like it's in Tahoe like a pretend version of Lake Tahoe. This is where this white people White People Heaven is a two-bedroom wooden house in Lake Tahoe

Where everything's made out of wood the TV's wood light bulbs are wood. It's like the 70s all over again, dude This aesthetic needs to die. He's making robot coffee. Oh yeah, that's so much easier than just making coffee and having some big dumb robot walking over with a coffee pod in your wood house. Getting bricked off a firmware update. Yeah, that's what I need a robot to do. Help my wife hang pictures straight.

Cause she can't use a level. I need a $70,000 robot that runs on a, that takes the entire country of Indonesia to power every day to straighten a picture in the house. Well, you know, for straighten a picture in the house. Well, you know, for all the pictures you hang up. You know what's even more annoying? Is this implies that the woman directing the robot to straighten the picture, the robot is having to compensate

for her orders instead of just leveling the picture itself using LIDAR, right? The robot can walk around and interact with everything, pour your hot coffee, but the robot can't tell if a fucking picture is straight. It needs this dumb woman standing there going, oh yeah, that's perfect, duh. Stupid.

It's stupid, it's a stupid thing for stupid people. It looks dumb, this is a shitty picture of an owl. You have no soul. You have no style. Everything is wood. And then the robot's like, is that good? It's not level, but I have to do what you say because you'll start crying if I don't.

Here's the robot's walking with laundry and this woman is meditating. Just another reason to sit around and do nothing. I see how it is. Oh, you're working on your mental... mentalisms? You mean the robot's the one that fucked up all my clothes this time and not you? Is the robot folding the clothes or is it just carrying clothes around? Because I noticed that you guys haven't showed the robot folding the clothes. It's just kind of carrying shit back and forth. Yeah

Robot using another robot cool The Roomba we all know the room was bullshit this this robot will use your vacuum Manually and not fuck up like the room was stupid, but this robot and not fuck up. Like the room was stupid, but this robot, the room was just, that's too simple. We need a giant robot to do story house. It'll fall through your top floor. How fucking heavy is that? How many kids are going to get killed by falling robots down the stairs? Oh yeah. Okay. Washing the windows. Oh yeah. That's right. I need a big fucking robot standing in the middle of the door helping me carry groceries. Wait, why doesn't he go to the fucking store for me then? Good question. What an asshole.

Robots moving the keys around annoying. Now the robots sitting on the couch like a psycho instead of standing in the closet where it belongs with the rest of the equipment messing up couch cushions I Hate robots I hate people who People who do robotics as like a hobby. Yeah, are the always the worst kind of people You know any of them I did all this look at all this immense process I did. Like what does it do? It's like it makes this little laser thing and falls around the room whenever you want. Robotics peaked with that penguin game that goes

I have one. I have a custom made one so it's different. You do? It's awesome. Oh these idiots are all going to have robots walking around talking about how great they are. It's awesome. Oh, these idiots are all going to have robots walking around talking about how great they are. Well, it's like when people, when Android phones came out,

they're like, look what my Android can do. It's like, it's a fucking phone. Like, okay. It's a phone, man. Like, what do you need to customize it so much for? You could put an SD card in it. Why would you want to put an SD card in your phone? I think it's going to be the same thing all over again.

Look at my Android. Okay. My robot, bro. Look at my robot. He picks up your keys. He'll find your keys wherever they are. Put them right back on the same thing all over again. Look at my Android My robot bro my robot Picks up your keys. He'll find your keys wherever they are put them right back on the key thing It'll help you once you've already got the groceries from your car to the house door. What is that shit? Wow, how much does it cost? Yeah, oh, I'm easily 70 grand with a robot understand when I get pissed and start throwing things I Don't need a robot in my house. Yeah, I can do that myself.

Connor says, what's the point of a VIP lounge if there's no Ps to see us being Vi? Yeah, that's true. Abba Zabba says, JLP, the great magnet attracts. Mephisto says, Johnny is great, he's adding a lot to the show and fits in perfect. Yes, he's wonderful. Thank you.

Anti-Communist says I'm your age with two little ones, so I feel our story arc with kids is pretty similar. Uh... He's lumping you into these- he's weeing you right now. He's royal-weeing you. I agree that you're much more likely to be fucked up with money and no dad than poor with a dad. to be fucked up with money and no dad, then poor with a dad. Rich kids raised with money instead of time are always fucked up. Despite your character, you get it. What the fuck does that supposed to mean?

Despite your character? Wow, he said us and then you. Yeah, what the fuck? That's not really Christmassy of him. We're the same. I'm better though, obviously. Despite your, in spite of your, you know. In spite of your racial handicaps you got it

Okay, good luck. It's gonna suck but be worth it and I've got girls. Well, you messed up Did he say it's gonna suck but it's gonna suck but oh be worth it be worth it He's hoping it's worth he's like be worth it be worth, you know, stay away from those kids sucking but gross Joe Briggs, you'll have more than the threat bet to contend with, fuckhead. I don't know what that means. That's the new version of call it, right? I wish my enemies would use punctuation. You'll have more than the threat bet to contend with, fuck the bet throws I know the bet I assume

it's an Eric July thing because the bet makes me think it's a black guy who's pissed and I'll fan the I mean and the grammar is non-existent I took a little damage here now like I'm still trying to figure it out. You'll have more than the threat bet to contend with Fuckhead I can't save this I can't I can't punctuate this It's like part of my face starting to droop a little bit. I think I'm having a stroke. You'll have more than the threat That's got to be a singular idea bet the threat bet

You'll have more than the threat to contend with, fuckhead. See, that makes sense, but the bet is messing it up. Joe, send it again. And tell me what it's about, because there's honestly so many people that would send me a threat. Honestly, he's number three on the assassination list. Yeah. Action number one, that's why Elon's two. I've got my enemies everywhere. My enemies, my enemies.

You're going to have to tell me who you're threatening me on behalf of We didn't ask him if he's threatening you with are you threatening me? You have to I think tell me if it's a make sure you tell me if it's a threat or a promise, too There you go. Is that I don't take threats seriously If it's a promise whether it's legally actionable or not because that is in fact what makes it legally actionable or not Can you believe that I love it That's one of the funniest things. One of the many funniest things. He said it's legally actionable. What? He said he's making a legally actionable threat. What was the threat? He said it was legally actionable. Look man. Don't you guys get it? Don't take my word for it.

He's the one who said it. You'll have more than the threat to contend with. Well, whatever you do, don't kill me before my wedding. Mitchell Doyle says, when people tell you they're running late. What makes me rage? When people tell you they're running late. Just left it with that. Incorrect there. When people tell you they're running late after they're already late. Yeah. Yes that

Ten minutes late. Hey, I'm running late. No shit. You could have fooled me with that one. Yeah, I Don't think people process time correctly Lomi 98 hey dick. Did you see Hooters shut down? I did Did you know that, Johnny? A real American tragedy, man. Well, you know, it's like, it's like, as oil runs out, it's just some businesses just won't be viable

because oil will be too expensive. Hooters relied on women under 140 pounds. Right, the death of the El Camino kind of marked the end of America as a whole. Yeah, yeah. No more road sodas, no more Hooters. Yeah, no more Hooters because it's too, skinny women are, they come at such a premium

that they can't afford, you can't afford to have a chain restaurant because the skinny girls are like they're all working at high-end restaurants not paying 200 bucks for wings no so they had to go like they had to kind of embrace this alright I guess we're doing trans and like we're doing fucking big hippos I guess we're getting we hired the hippo from Madagascar to come in and do blackface and she's serving you run your wings

Okay It's like we know what happened all the skinny women Hooters like yeah, that's what we're at. That's what we're saying. Mm-hmm all the oil and cigarettes, uh-huh disappeared with all the cigarettes Let's see. Yeah, here's ha Hooters started in like the early 80s. Right. And women were 150 pounds. Mm-hmm.

And now they're 175. And even then it was kind of like, ah, maybe we'll put you on like a Tuesday afternoon show. Yeah, go run the merch counter. And then this is. What, have they been eating all the wings there? This is America. This is 1983.

Yeah, that's what I remember. Yeah. And this is 2023. You know how much bigger the shorts are. They probably lost their ass in shorts. Hooters. Probably. A short, our line item for shorts is.

Looks like a road. Six thousand percent higher than it was in the 80s. can't afford this all that high-vis material my goodness how do you like a Bitcoin conference well the thing is orange tapestries everywhere if you see one of them walking out with your wings you know one or two of them has gone missing from the kitchen to your table. See Hooters should have rebranded itself to instead of like you go in, you get wings and you flirt with the waitress. They should have changed it to come in and you get wings and you try to eat them before the waitress eats them, finds you and eats them.

It's like hide and go seek. Hungry hungry Hooters. Hungry hungry Hooters, right? And they got like all the waitress come around'm like I'm gonna eat your food our small wings The first ever Miyazaki themed restaurant Like Totoro yeah Yeah God and they could dress him up in weird kabuki stuff

It's just it's sickening. I don't want the waitress to be out of breath when she gets to my table I don't want Hooters to exist anymore. I mean if that's the current if that's the state of I would rather it be a Fond memory. Yeah Than a fat mammary. That's shameful. That is, you know. What do you think about Vito's toilet tapestry that he's got? Okay, you know what? The bathroom, the bathroom, Evangeline towel or whatever it is that he's got. Okay, you know what? The bathroom, the bathroom, Evangelion towel

or whatever it is that he hasn't washed. I think it was Corgan who was saying, hoping that he'd chime in, well Corgan, this is for you. Yeah, okay. You correctly brought up how that's not clean. No. That is not clean. If you have a washcloth and you're hanging on your bathroom

and you're hanging anywhere, like on the towel rack, whatever, any sort of cloth, any porous material, even non-porous, you still have to, you know, you've got to bleach that shit down. Humidity. Humidity. You've got to wash that shit. That tapestry is goddamn near sentient from all the bacterial colonies, probably having generations upon generations, like really.

Mutations. Oh, oh. Civilizations of bacterium. Yeah, well, and I almost think it's accelerating the deterioration of the bathroom. There's wood that's disintegrating and refilled with, what is it, that spray foam? Silly putty, I think.

And you know that. Silly string. You know everything around that isn't dry, so that's just gonna keep rotting away. We were watching a man slowly and now actually rapidly destroying himself I couldn't I could take it up until the tapestry entered the picture so no no It's gonna be like when they clean the Mona Lisa, and they show it It's like yellow, and then they wipe it and it's like you know Porcelain white underneath that is gonna be exactly what happens.

When Vito, if Vito ever moves out, preferably not in a body bag, but hopefully they don't find him like one of the Collier brothers smashed under one of his arcade machines. But if he does make it out alive, that building is getting condemned. Or at least that corner of whatever apartment,

house, space he's in no I couldn't hear about the tapestry it hit the tapestry out of the bathroom Everything in the bathroom should be cleanable. Well the thing is you flush your once and that blows Yeah, exactly combined with a little steam combined with the fucking cat box in there Why do you have a cat box that you are constantly like? Why do you have a cat box that you are constantly like aerosolizing? I've always forget that it's like vaporizing with like your steam. Yeah, it's like now you're inhaling that.

That's all in your tapestry. No, no, no, it's all in the tapestry. How crusty do you think it would fold or do you think it'll pull off in like a piece like cardboard? Just one stiff like it everything about that makes me so sick. Imagine getting out of your shower and stepping onto little cat litter granules on your floor with wet feet.

That makes me wanna fuckin' kill myself. Then you trip and grab the tapestry. Oh no! Touch it. No, we gotta get rid of that tapestry. If that was in the same house as me, I wouldn't be able to sleep. We gotta get rid of it.

We gotta get rid of it. Okay. Vito, we'll call 1-800-GET-JUNK or whatever. Got junk? Got junk to just bolt over. That place is a ripoff. Is it? Dude, it's like $600 or $700.

What is that? I don't know, I'm trying to get rid of this sex doll. And there's no... There's a hotline you can call if somebody dumped something illegally and you can report where the dump is. I think I'm just gonna do that. Hey, there's this guy that illegally dumped a guy that he legally dumped a sex doll in the street Yeah, what an asshole happened right outside my Pilates place. I mean the Pilates place You got well, you got a filler with a few blood packs and throw off a bridge, you know

Yeah, make it exciting for somebody Okay woman alert Uhh... Okay. Woman alert. Woman alert. God, I can't stop thinking about that tapestry. Now that's disgusting. That's fucked.

Vito, you are fucked. Get your... Get rid of that. Get your comic book. Get rid of the... Get your goddamn life together. Get more than one towel. Guys, if you have a tapestry in your bathroom, get rid of it.

Guys, if you have a tapestry, get rid of it. First off. Second. Use napkins. Where are you on theestry get rid of it first off second news napkins How where are you on the napkin paper towel debate? Okay decorative napkins can get fucked Yeah, those are the least of zora me this shit There's you get all the ink all over your hands instead of the fucking exactly shit off of your hand exactly Paper towels are for messes. Yeah napkins are for goddamn civilized other fuckers Do you know I don't know how I'm getting shit for this like I get it that if you're lazy or messes. Yeah. Napkins are for goddamn civilized motherfuckers.

Do you know? I don't know why I'm getting shit for this. Like I get it that if you're lazy or you just aren't, you're just like, you don't want to grow up. So you're using paper towels. If you have paper towels on your kitchen table, you do not have a girlfriend that is your boyfriend.

Cause no woman on earth would be like, oh yeah, just grab me some paper towels. Like no, give me some napkins. Give me a napkin. What? It's not made for this. some napkins. Give me a napkin. What? It's not made for this. It's not. It's way more expensive.

What do you, ball them up and sleep on them too? What's, like, maybe would absorb some of the grease. I use a towel, I use a paper, I use a shop towel in the bathroom. Disposable towels, now I don't have to ever do my laundry. I use a chamois. That pissed me off too. What do you, okay, you okay veto if you have a

Shirt that you've worn even for ten minutes, and you let it sit for a week and go I could probably put this back on no that is not true. You need help all right Here's the woman alert this woman doesn't know what's going on in the mirror This woman doesn't know what's going on in the mirror. Yes. Can the mirror see my head moving? Yeah. How does the mirror know what I'm doing if I've got it covered? Okay, it's a woman that's holding a towel up to the mirror in the bathroom,

and the guy with the camera is standing at an angle with her, and she's wondering how the mirror can reflect what she's doing, because she has a towel held up between... I think the accent kind of gives away everything we needed to know about this one. You know what? She, I mean, first off, she is a woman, so I mean, what do you... I don't know. I don't know how many of them would be bamboozled by this.

It's like the water trick. I think, in fact, this would be so bamboozling to even men. That's a good, all right. I would need to see some data on this. Everybody hold the towel up and tell me if you're surprised. Tell me why it works. Tell me why the mirror knows.

Yeah. Can the mirror see my head moving? Yeah. How does the mirror know what I'm doing if I've got it covered? The mirror is inanimate, it don't know nothing. How can you see what my head is doing on the other side if I've got this up in front of me? Cause I can see your reflection.

How can the- how does the mirror know what I'm doing on the other side? The mirror doesn't know what you're doing on the other side. Is it showing what I'm doing on the other side? I think there's a camera in the mirror! PFFT! HAHAHAHAHA! Is a kid fucking around? a little boy the kid said with the bomb was thinking I think there's a camera in the mayor This is It's called a reflection. Dad! How? I'm covered. How can the mirror show it?

You're covering your part, but I can see on the upside. I can see the other part. See, he doesn't. He can't see. So is that how the mirror is showing? I don't know what you're talking about. Does he know? He can't explain it.

You see what I'm saying? This is like meth head activity. Yeah. The mirror is a mirror. It shows reflections explain it. You see what I'm saying? This is like meth head activity. Yeah. The mirror is a mirror. It's time to reflect your knowledge. The mirror is watching me. It knows. How does the mirror know what to reflect of me?

I'm not in front of the mirror. Okay, so neither of them know, I guess. And people are saying, this is why we need the Department of Education, but I really don't think it's working. No. I don't think these people can be taught. Dad. I don't think it's working. No. I don't think these people can be taught. I don't think it would improve their lives.

It wouldn't. To understand light, reflection. People like that wondering about how the world works, bad idea. Cause you tell them how it works and other people are just gonna use that knowledge to scam them more. Like, oh yeah, those photons that you've been hearing about,

they're actually full of the devil. So you want to get this anti-photon spray. Yeah. That's- I don't know if that's a woman alert. I don't know that the guy knows that. That's like a meth head alert. Meth head alert. Mm-hmm. Hopness says, be careful, Dick, the women are fighting back. Uh oh.

Let's see. How are they fighting back? Uh... I hope not. I've been pretty happy with they're not fighting recently. Okay, this is, uh, liberals are making videos in an attempt to... Oh, this is like, we're gonna get you, sucka? Is that a Black Panther? Uh, is that a not a Black Panda sure it's a Black Panda shirt. Yeah, the women are starting a militant group called the Black Pandas

Or they just eat It's a woman in a Triforce link shirts that she's got It's three fat women Pretending to roar at a camera and judging by their teeth, they look British. Stay! Oh god, and there's a- You can control them? No, that one.

I broke my arm. Mine's bigger. What is, uh, what is this logo that the fat one's wearing? That's Black Pander, I think. It's Black Pander? I think. Black Pander? Yeah. Okay. Shickamore!

Okay. Someday we'll get rid of these people. Well, I think cutting snap and everything. That would be a lot more tolerable if they were below 140 pounds each. It would be cute lot more tolerable if they were below 140 pounds each. It would be cute, you know? It would be like, oh, let me guess, your first time on the internet, huh? Yeah.

If they weren't morbidly obese, and they could like choreograph it like a sorority thing. I want to be able to smell the video, you know? Yeah. It could be like erotic. Like, look, we're hot and thin. We're going to get you. Whoa, that's erotic. Whoa.

Now I'm scared. Now I'm scared. That? Now we've got to check the building code and make sure it's up to spec. Yeah, now that made me want to vomit. David Friesner says, if you say the flu vaccine doesn't make you sick, then you're an idiot.

Yeah. Immigrant trucker. Don't read my name. Thank you. I've worked in aerospace on government and civilian jobs for 10 years. Now, on the night shift, typically we send and receive dozens of jobs every week.

The amount of foreign drivers is up from roughly five a week to all but one or two a month. Can't speak or read or write English. It's gotten to the point where I use Google Translate constantly. And even then they can barely speak their own language because the translators can't handle hyper localized dialects in some cases. Worse yet is that companies that lie and cost taxpayers millions a year in rejected shipping. Most government work we do goes to bases and you must be a native citizen to enter these giant tools but the dispatch crews don't listen and get drivers that have to be

rejected by the US by us due to being outright illegal aliens on expired visas. We now have to ask for valid passports IDs and green cards and do background checks just to save ourselves from the headache and cost It's a retarded. It's retarded plain and simple fuck DEI fuck the NGOs and fuck these trucking companies Good luck having a kid. No one ever has good advice. Just don't drop him and it'll work out fine. I'll try I Need a robot ironically the has good advice. Just don't drop him and it'll work out fine. I'll try I Need a robot ironically the only good advice Sidwin says bring a camping mat to the hospital and the baby comes into the world your back will thank you camping mat I'm gonna bring a whole tent You can't tell me to camp outside I would camp inside

And I'll peek out, you know? I'll do the two zippers and I'll yell at the nurse, Hey don't, you don't stick the zipper, don't stick the zipper! Hey there's blood in that. Careful with that zipper, it doesn't work. Ah, you fucked it up. Uh, MechWarrior. Indian truckers, they do not flush their used toilet paper at truck stop bathrooms.

Their non-functioning plumbing system doesn't support flushing toilet paper. So when they come here, if there's no trash cans in the stalls, they just leave it all over the floor. It's become such a problem that I've started seeing posters with warning label pictures showing them how to use toilet paper in the love bathroom stalls. Yeah, that's fantastic. That's... It's just, it's completely fucked. They gotta go. It's not gonna work.

Not working. It's not working out, guys. You gotta go. Sorry, but you gotta go. Yoga dogs, we have had to deal with pushy as fuck pediatricians who only care about how many vaccines your infant has if they are up to date and Estimating how tall they will be when they are older based on the stupid chart. I hate yeah, I've seen that chart

It's dumb. We ended up finally finding a holistic medical group called growth spurts Gay that yeah, I'm not getting into growth spurts group get out of here with that name I'm sure you have shit like that out by you. Yeah, somebody recommended a preschool to us, or a school, some kind of school to get into, and we looked and it was all DEI shit. All the books they had on their site were like, being white as a baby. And I'm like, I don't want to pay, I don't want our kid to ever read any of that shit. And I definitely don't want people

who would read kids that shit looking after my son. That shit's retarded. Fuck that. I don't want them to be exhausted on race shit before they can talk, you know? Be a 15-year-old old man. Yeah. Daddy, what's black exhaustion?

I think I have it. Like, ah, well, what are you talking about? That was a great pre, that preschool came highly recommended. You don't wanna read about braids and how fucking important it is to have braids. How about a kid's book? It's like, oh, all this shit about,

everything about hair is fucking stupid. Anything about hair is dumb. Oh yeah, oh, that's a pretty good lesson. Hair is basically like excrement coming out of your body. It's totally pointless and stupid. Anyone who thinks it's important is a dumb fuck. It's fucking stupid. Anyone who asks to touch it likes touching excrement. Yeah. Fixating on hair is the same as fixating on your own shit. Why don't you just put your shit in jars around your house? You psycho, like Howard Hughes,

put your fingernails in jars. Like the Howard Hughes of shit. You stupid idiot. Yeah. The Howard Hughes of shit. Ah. Growth spurts, no thanks. You'll probably pay out of pocket

if you want to avoid shitty pediatricians and need someone on call when you have concerns about your child. Not all vaccines are the same. You aren't in the slums. Stronger vaccines will give your infant bad fevers, which you want to avoid at that age for brain development. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. at that age for brain development. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Oh, it's just gonna be, this is gonna be the same pain in the ass at the doctor

that every visit to the doctor is. A bunch of lies and bullshit. Just know that no matter what you do, you're gonna do something, statistically speaking, you're gonna do something wrong. If you indicate that you are not gonna do a vaccine, they'll pressure you and write in there, you know what, I'm just gonna show up three beers in.

Every time I go to the doctor, I'm gonna have had three beers and I'm gonna have absolutely no problem asking whatever thing I want and getting whatever I want. An empty pack of cigarettes to give them too. They'll push each time, just say not today. Satan, install as much as you you can until your kid is older and their body can handle it better.

Yeah, that seems obvious. It seems like all the 80s, it seems like everything kind of peaked in the 80s and then it's just been like add-ons and horse shit ever since then. Nothing ever got better. Yeah, like we invented everything. All right, we got all the measles and stuff, okay.

Hey, what about fucking Gwingars? You don't want your kid to get Dengue fever. I don't really care about, I'm not really worried about Dengue fever. I don't need a vaccine against that. What about the COVID vaccine? It's got like a... It's got COVID in it.

It's got some COVID. That's what it means. I get a hundred bucks if you get the vaccine, so... That's like the more, yeah. Give me the hundred bucks. Wow, I can't do that. I'm get the vaccine, so. That's like the more, yeah. Give me the 100 bucks. Wow, I can't do that. I'm getting the vaccine. Why don't you give the baby the 100 bucks then?

Why are you getting the 100 bucks? Give me half. Yeah, break me off a little bit, yeah. Yeah, give me half. Then we'll talk about all these vaccines that are so important. They're so important, my kid to have, why don't you give me 100 bucks?

How about that? That'll show you how important it is. Yeah, then we'll see how important it really is. important for my kid to have, why don't you give me a hundred bucks? How about that? That'll show you how important it is. Yeah, then we'll see how important it really is. You can always get caught up in vaccines when your kids are older and more exposed at the daycare. My kids not going to daycare. Best of luck. Okay, thanks. Colby. Dear Dick, thank you for being the voice of reason on Elon. Knocking women up and then refusing to be a father is obviously one of the worst things a person can do. Yeah, it's so fucked up.

Why are you making this person and then fucking them in the ass like right away? Dude. What are you doing? And hearing people defend it is really demoralizing it bothers me personally because my dad cheated on my mom got another lady pregnant and also got my mom pregnant again which of course ended in divorce and him not being in me and my sister's life or the other sister's life it. It's even more fucked up because the breeding impulse, it probably worked if you're like a, it probably worked 10,000 years ago where you're just fucking whatever, knocking women up,

and then they're all right there. Like, all right, I did all these kids, so you guys are gonna have to fucking deal with it, but at least I'm here. Yeah. But now, we are halfway across the world, that shit is not at work. But now, we are halfway across the world, that shit is not work.

And then when one of the moms fuck me, I'm like, get the hell out of here. Right? These are the things that you need for that to work, I'm saying. Well, that was before the invention of so many enemies, see? My enemies are- my enemies are onto me. Bitch, I can't put my- bitch, I can't put my name on that birth certificate, my enemies will go crazy for that. Bitch, you don't have any enemies. You don't know what it's like. I'm number two in the world.

I'm number two on most enemies. My enemies are crazy. That's my new excuse for not doing shit anymore. Cause you're enemies? Oh, my enemies are trying to get me. That's so, that's my new excuse for not doing shit anymore. Cause you're enemies? All my enemies are trying to get me. My enemies are trying to get me. If I send you back all these revisions,

my enemies might catch on. See, they'll know I'm working right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't do these revisions right now. My enemies are really cooking something up. I gotta lay low. I can't work right now. Can't work right now.

My enemies are. They'll know where I'm at. Yeah, if my enemies know that I'm busy on this work, they'll come at me big time. They'll come at me hard. Look, I can't even tell, don't have the time to explain this to you right now. I don't have, yeah. That's why I'm on signal.

I'm putting myself in danger, just explaining this to you. I'm texting you so fast and messages are expiring so fast that you can't even see them. I had this written in advance, in case of this contingency. In case my enemies got to me, yeah. Yeah, this is actually a dead man's switch

because of my enemies. If you're reading this, it's because of my enemies. And no, you still can't be on the birth certificate. And I still can't, who I haven't seen since she was a baby. Luckily I have a good mom. She obviously had to work a lot, which was rough, but me and my sister are good. I also like to thank you for your advice

and point of view. I've been listening since I was 16 and I'm 22 now. Wow. And I'm a very happy person now because I can roll with the punches and I've learned not to take things personally because people have little free will or ability to change. Yeah, they don't really.

You just gotta like, all right, whatever. Just gotta make fun of them for never putting out their comic book that they took a hundred grand for, you know? He forgets that part, doesn't he? Why is it my fault that's not coming out? Because you took the money from people. Well, when everyone brings up a hundred grand, he thinks of the candy bar. So it doesn't really equate to like, no, people spent part of their life earning this money to give to you.

Not a big red candy bar next to your comment. Yeah, it's not a candy bar. That's not how. You're a big part of what taught me to enjoy the absurdity of things. And I really owe you. So thank you. And you will obviously be a good father.

Well, we'll see. Thank you. Yeah, good email. Nick V says, newborn tips. No, if I read another baby thing people will get mad. I have to read something else. What is this the baby show? What's the baby show? Now? Oh, Dick's such a bitch now. All these babies. What is this? What is this the view? What is this the view? Is this turning into the view? It's the vagina show now.

The vagina baby show now? What is this? Welcome back to little girl baby vagina. What are we talking about, napkins and vaginas now? What do you mean you don't just have auto zone shop towels for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Like, I find myself in the position of arguing on behalf of napkins, and I think, why am I doing this? What is wrong with you guys? That you think napkins, you just,

you're just, are in denial of napkins? You don't think napkins even should exist? Like, you should just be peeling off a sheet of bounty? That's expensive. Yes, that's expensive. Yes. That's expensive. It's the same broke motherfuckers using paper towels for everything. Yeah. Fucking holes in their socks.

Why do I need soap? I just brush my teeth and I brush my whole body. With my toothpaste. What do you mean soap? What are you a bitch? Wait, you don't use Dr. Bronner's for your toothpaste? Your teeth? You don't brush your teeth with soap Yeah, like you're a pussy. Yeah, you get that crest shit that goo that you put in your mouth Why don't you just get some soap and brush your teeth with soap live like a man in like a target slash Hollywood video It's just asinine. It's just asinine. Okay, you don't you don't use napkins? You should. That's what they're for.

It's indicative when you have a little cubby area for towels, for linens, for things like that. And, you know, just magic cards, just cardboard. Cardboard, everything. So if I gave you a bunch of napkins, you just wouldn't use them? Is that what you're saying? You just never had napkins and you ran out

and you're like, uh... What a waste of time! Every time I use a paper towel for a napkin, I go, God damn, I feel... Yeah, I need to get my life together. I need to run some errands. Well, see, you know, you don't go to the grocery store in sweatpants. You don't show... I do.

Your outward display is not like, hey everyone, I'm just a fucking bum. You know I only wear these Cotton well that's fun Russell Basketball well that's whatever they are because you have napkins you use napkins understand how like Civilization works. I mean I know it doesn't look good I know you're not supposed to only wear workout shorts everywhere, but I do.

Look, I'm guilty of that too, but again, I also use napkins. I know how to brush my teeth. I know how to floss. I know how to do things where, you know, I get- You don't brush your teeth with soap? I actually use orange style soap, you know? Yeah, yeah, I don't even use bathtub soap. I just take the dish soap and I take it off the kitchen and I bring it to the bathroom What's good enough for baby ducks? Yeah, so it's good enough for me and then I open my mouth I fill my mouth up and then squeeze it all out and Over go over me and then I just stand there. What am I wasting? What am I a bitch? Yeah, I'm rubbing myself like a homo. You know there clean done dish soap is for oil spills For baby animals kind of oil spills, and for your car rims.

Other than that. It's the fucking system beating that you're talking about. These guys are fucking beating napkins. Well, three in one soap, of course, is good for my thinning hair, obese body. Teeth, skin, and dishes. That's three in one, right there. It's one soap for three things. You got to brush your teeth with it.

You got to wash your ass with it, and wash your dishes. Well, it was blowing me away too, uh, you know, kind of tuning in to Friday's episode in Vito's like, um, well, you know, I was cleaning my bathroom that one time, so of course I stank. And it's like, You're supposed to- EVERYBODY'S ANTI-NAPKIN! Everybody's anti-napkin, dude.

I'm pro-napkin. I'm anti a lot of other things but pro napkin. They don't give you fucking paper towels at restaurants or even fast food. Burger King will not have- I'm sure Burger King figured it out. They give you napkins. They'll even give you a little paper crown but what I'm saying is no self-respecting- Why don't you just use cardboard? Even self-disrespecting. Just take Amazon boxes, rip the lid off,

and just have dinner with that. I'm just, yeah, the same. Fold it up a bunch. It's the same. It's often, yeah. It's just paper. Just paper. It's trees.

Lloyd Llewellyn is a state government employee for a public utility. I've seen firsthand the amount of waste in government-run enterprises. Today I received an email from Knowledge Management. I'm not exactly sure what they do, but it sounds like the role is to make sure that women remember to save files on their desktops. The email in question, written by a woman, contained a flow chart that had such pearls

of wisdom as, is this knowledge essential? If no, then consider documenting this knowledge. If yes, then ensure that it's documented. Hahahaha! Hey, before you save the file, ask yourself, is this file necessary? If no, consider saving it. Consider.

If it's yes, make sure you save it. Fire. What'd you do this week? I came up with this, I sent everyone a cool memo. I considered. Telling them how to save files. If it's not worth saving, then save it. And if it is worth saving, then save it.

That's fucked. That person can't survive in the real world. No. None of these people can. That's why they're all- They really can't. What was worse was all the praise it received from other women. Like, this is an important mindset to have.

And I like the pictures. What do you mean, important mindset to have? Why is everything a mindset? Why can't it just be, just hit command S, control S, whichever fucking computer you're using, save it. We have let our institutions be overrun by women. Really and truly, we have let them creep in like the plague,

like a black crayon, like a black marker all over everything. Brown crayon in your underwear, yeah. Yeah, and choke it out. And choke out just rationalness and pervert it and disturb it into this mess, into this dystopian, gynocratic mess. What do you mean there's flowers and all this? I love the pictures.

Get the hell out. You're fired. I got an interesting memo today. It said if I don't need the information, I should save it. And if I do need it, I should save it. That's it. Everything black and green command line interfaces. No cute, no mice, no nothing. Everything's a fallout terminal now.

Make computing less fun. Just put scales in the chairs. That'll fix the problem real quick. It starts honking if you get there. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just like the fucking organ machine where it's like you pull. Colipy. Yeah, that thing.

Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. This is the one Fred Willard was playing yeah, yeah Yeah, if you sit down and you weigh more he was funnier than Norm MacDonald he was fuck Norm MacDonald I'm sick of Norm MacDonald now man. It takes a lot of courage to pull one off in a porno theater Much respect who did that Fred Willard allegedly did the Fred Willard? Yeah I'm you're talking about Paul Rubin's Paul Rubin's too man both of them did What two icons Wow? I'm pretty sure anyway. Well, that's what the porno theaters for what's everyone's problem. I think that was peewees defense to one

Then I use my other hand right? Yeah, I Wasn't using the right hand, you know So what is like a they've jack off their bathroom, then that's a problem too? Because there was no Jack-Off club. What the fuck is the Pornhau Theater for? The Pornhau Theater was their OG Jack-Off club. Yeah. That and the party line, you know. And no one paid for that.

They had to pay for their own Jack-Off ticket. Yeah, at least they had the decency to support the Jack-Off club. Support the arts. They didn't rely on government handouts. Do you get like a plaque if you... We should still have Jack-Off theaters. Man, we don't have anything good anymore. There's get like a plaque if you... we should still have jack-off theaters. Man, we don't have anything good anymore. There's no, there's no like, socializing. If you could smoke cigarettes in a jack-off theater, you would be a

multi-trillionaire overnight. The comments on PornHub are just not the same, you know? I like them. I'll take a look sometimes, but it's, it's not the same. You haven't replicated... maybe if there's a VR thing, like a jack-off in VR theater where I could go. Because VR porn's pretty cool, but I need to be in like a seedy theater where I could look around, right? And their little heads are moving around like, Oh wow, look at that guy. It could do that! Yeah.

Hahaha! See, that's funny. Man. Nah, too bad Peewee's dead. Well, that's funny. Man. Nah, too bad Peewee's dead. Well, Fred Willard is too. Pretty soon we won't have anyone left who jacked off in a jack-off theater. That's a real crisis we're having, man.

It's like the Civil War, you know, the last Civil War veteran died. Yeah. That's, I'm telling you, man, we're running out of, we're losing all this great American tradition. You know? And the last person who was in the Holocaust has died like six or seven times.

Right. Exactly. Every 20 years or so. But you know, it's like, you know, wine making, cheese making, all these artisanal, handmade things we're doing, man. There's gotta be someone who's like the last great American wine maker, the last great American jack-off actor guy, you know?

It's just a... I really don't even, I can't, I couldn't come up with a, I couldn't come up with a, with a more illustrative example of what women bring to a corporate environment than a flowchart that says, if what you're looking at is worthless, consider saving it, and if it's not worthless, then save it.

Than a flowchart that's a fucking two boxes, with yes and no that go to the same fucking box. That's what women bring to... EVERYTHING! Yep. Hey, why don't you get ready to go? Yeah. I would have done that.

It's an immovable object meets a retarded force. It's just. It's an object that was already moving meets a retarded force. Yeah, there you go. I'm doing it. Yeah, relax Maybe don't don't make me show you that episode of the Smurfs again with the word I got an episode of Smurfs for all the problems you might have so

Episode of Smurfs where it's just Papa Smurf screaming at you a whole episode That's the one when Handy builds clockwork. That's what sets him over the edge. Cause he's getting screamed at by everybody. Even Papa comes in and he's like, that's it, I'm gonna build a robot smurf. Oh, see and he built a shitty robot. Everyone's like, that's fucking stupid.

Yeah, was it shitty? I think they overdid, I think they did the same thing to the robot. It shorted them out. If there's anything we should have learned by now is why we shouldn't waste time building robots. Yeah. It's never cool.

No, because we can't build people. So why are we building robots? Let's figure out the people first. I think, I guess Frankenstein was like the first robot book, right? Yeah. Like proto robot. Yeah, I guess. Was it, did Plato write, make any robots?

I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay, well thank you for this. Thank you for this insight. Hope, tell it, please, please if you work for the government, tell me about all the crying and stuff that's happening. I really wanna, I really wanna enjoy first or secondhand

the misery that the government employees are going through. Yeah. Especially the women. Feeding my soul right now. Yeah. Yeah. Dear Dick. Oh, this is a big one. No, it's... Oh, man. Guys, the vaccine emails, you got to keep them under 500 words three lines tops Yeah, I don't know there's got to be a some kind of rule I appreciate the work but too much and no analogies Just say what it is don't You get three bullet points and if it sucks there you go three bullet points no analogies at all a vaccine is like a picnic With no picnic back no no no no no no no no no I don't do I don. No analogies at all. A vaccine is like a picnic with no picnic back.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't do analogies, I don't like them. And sometime in the future, they'll be labeled as like misinformation, because they trick you into thinking, you know, they do. Yeah. Oh, quantum physics is like a banana. And then you take the, it's like, no, no, no,

it's not like a banana. It's a banana is like a banana, okay? That's why everyone thinks they're good at everything. Well, it's just an allergies. Yeah No, it's not like that. It's not like that like that even remotely Driving a car is like driving your dick. No not Yeah, I can't sit on my car. Fucking asshole. Uh, anaglias says, Physicians for informed consent. This guy has a bias free info on the pros and cons of vaccines.

Congratulations. California has an autism rate of 1 in 27. Not worth the risk to vax infants. But yeah, but I think it's because women are so fat Speaking of If someone out there wants to take the beginning of fat watch and put it in front of woman alert So we get a fat woman alert. I would be most grateful fat woman alert. Yeah, Reverend Scott might do that I may do it myself, but It's just funnier when someone else does it.

This is from Vinny. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, Vinny with some bangers. Already turning the volume down. This is going to be good. OK, this appears to be a little fat girl running at the Grinch that stole Christmas. OK, and then...

She lands right on her face. A lesson in tripping over your own thigh. She's running... She's running in a weird way. Because she's... Because she's not retarded, I don't think. She's running like an Oswald Cobblepot over here. She's running like Pigeon Toad.

She's running like she's trying to scrape shit off the front of her shoes, right? And the Grinch is pretending like he doesn't see her. It's like she's trying to race in a sack race or something. Yeah, she's got an invisible bungee around her ankles. The Grinch! No, you! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH It's hard Grinch is like what the fuck was that and the Grinch stays in character

Whoa Curious Grinch doesn't help her Perfect okay We've got Holy shit. Perfect. Okay. We've got uh... That's some... Interesting cut of those jeans the robot engineer says. Oh man. Oh man.

That's an unfortunate cut of those jeans. Okay. It's a bunch of women at a swine dance, line dance I guess. And the cut of her jeans is grimace I think. She's dressed like one of those throwaway Zelda characters or something. That's very... How do you achieve that physique? The cut is like the suit pants of a really fat guy. Yeah.

All the way out. This is... Uh... I don't know how... Is the middle part stretchy? Like I don't... I don't know how this works. Oops.

Come on, man. Honey, you gotta lose that weight. What are you thinking? They like heat shrink the top of it around her, right? There's no way those... She puts it on and gets a blow dryer out and shhhhhh. It's just body paint. Oh wow. Okay.

That's impressive. That's disturbing, man. Johnny, you might have sent me one, did you? I sent a really funny one about Vito. Oh yeah, take action. I just gotta take action. Like, you all right, bro? Like, I just need to take action.

I just gotta take action. Just gotta take action. Okay? Oh dear. This gentleman is pretending to catch, this gentleman is swimming in a lake is pretending to catch, this gentleman is swimming in a lake and some kind of a lava monster, a rock monster. Captain K. Rool is about to dive in right on top of him.

Holy shit. That is, again. The lizard man from Donkey Kong. Look at that build. She's built like a brick shithouse Devastating cannonball attack on this guy She's about to press down on the button to the smash down And

What is he thinking is he trying to kill himself She's like doing the hands like she's doing peekaboo with a baby Kind of yeah like okay like here comes the airplane Oh god she dives right on top him with her knees first. Oh Come on He's gone. He's dead Oh, he died He got embedded into the he got stuck in the mud. Yeah, she smashed him all the way through. He'll find his body Later. Well, he'll be perfectly preserved from the neck down.

Yeah. Yeah. That's from Bianca. Thank you, Bianca. That's a good one. Let's see here. Oh, did we talk about the fat woman support group thing? What's that?

What was it with the support group for husbands with fat wives? Oh, Ryan Long's thing? Yeah. Yeah, that's really funny. Got tagged in that a bunch this week. Oh, Ryan's, Ryan Long's thing? Yeah, that's really funny. Got tagging that a bunch this week. Yeah, that's a good one. Glad for everyone who did. Thank you all. This is bullshit.

No more fat watch? Come on, come on, guys, come on. I'm surprised I don't have more fat watches. Another fat, okay, here we go. Oh, that's the old Uber one. Let me check Discord. My enemies are why I don't have a job. Get a job! My enemies are just too close.

My enemies are too active right now for me to get a job. I gotta wait till my enemies die down. Yeah, once they all die they're good. It's been a long week. Fad chick. Alright. Um. Oh, okay. This is an interesting one.

She barbecued boldly. Silenced everyone. I'm fat and proud. Yeah. Men make crude comments. But I know I'm hot. Being thin doesn't make you better than me.

Actually being merely obese makes you better than you. Which is the front and which is the backside? I'm confused. The one with less tits. The side with less tits is the front. Yeah. You know, it's counterintuitive to my thinking. It's counterintuitive on fat women.

See, women, you're like, oh, the side with the tits is the front. It's like a forklift, right? It's got the reverse steering. It's on thin women, the side that makes noise and the side with more tits is the front. But on fat women, the side that makes noise, more noise. Yeah.

And the side with more tits is the backside. So that's a good rule of thumb. That makes sense. Good rule of thumb for you to, for you boys to know out there if you're wondering. Which side is the front? Whisper dome things. There's more tits on this side but it's making noise isn't that the front? No. Yeah. So in fat women it's the back that makes the noise. The one that, the side that sounds less like a cauldron. Let's see if I got any more. Okay.

What is this? I wanna talk about being down bad. I wanna talk about getting scammed or rugged. Uh-oh. This is from a blind gentleman. Okay. My wife eats an entire bag of Doritos in one sitting. Okay. All right, everybody That's the show patreon.com slash the dick show. That's your boy. That's not your wife

Yeah, what are you doing letting her eat a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting? You better smack those you got to eat those faster than yeah. Yeah, she brings a bag of Doritos You tear in there. Yeah, that's your boy. Oh What is this Vinny sending me something else? Oh Oh, yeah, I think we already watched that one Where I'm so connected in the fat women network that it's really hard to I get the same, you know I know I get the same name stuff things too It's lonely at the top

Okay, here's a you get a new one. Yeah, there's a new one. Here is a fat woman that's trying to ride in a Waymo I'm gonna send this to you so that I can get it. Is it the Waymo because she weighs mo It's the I get it black people made their own Waymo for fat- their fat white girlfriends. Damn. Uh... Well yeah, cause if she Waymo then, you know- I'm too fat- Yeah she is. Oh my god.

That's why we made Waymo! I can safely ride in a Waymo. And you might be too. It's your favorite queer automotive- I'm sorry, is this a what now? Oh. Uh... Mechanics? Mechan mechanic shop femme? Like female or other?

All right. Looks like John Goodman in drag. With educator and recently, my wife and I took our first spin in the self-driving ride chair service. I had been turned, but was cautiously optimistic about the experience.

After loading up our suitcases and getting comfortable, I buckled my seatbelt. No way I was riding in a futuristic self-driving machine without it. And bam, the seatbelt clicked and immediately locked. Okay, it happens. Let me try again. Removing my seatbelt instantly made the car scream at me.

But you know, I had to. The seatbelt locks yet again almost instantly. Damn it. And before you... They're too fat for a self-driving car because the seatbelt will lock. You're telling me we have to invent new seatbelt technology for these people? Yeah, you need the 300 or a hundred yard like in the seatbelt. We need a new form of gimbal in there, whatever the hell that like locking mechanism is. We're gonna need more.

Ratchet straps instead. Did it run out of seatbelt? Well, that's what- Is that the issue? That's why it keeps locking up. It's not locking up, it's out of belt. Oh my fucking God. That's what I'm saying, It's a football field size one And how many yards of seatbelt will you be requiring here ma'am

Waymo XL Waymo Mo. It's Waymo squared. Waymost Waymost Send out a flatbed God Send out a flatbed. God This damn thing locked up again. No, it didn't lock up. It's out of belt. Out of belt. Your bathroom's broken. It's I can't fit in the door. Your door's broken. Yeah Look, I'm stuck. Your door's broken. Now the toilet's broken.

Now the toilet's broken. And I've turned it into dust. Your toilet's broken. I shit all over the room because I can't tell where my asshole is when I'm sitting. God. It's so big. Imagine that in your car, smushing. Think of all the force, right, from the weight.

Yeah. Smushing all those shit particles right into your fucking seat. I think I'm the problem. We're just too damn fat for this car. Yeah, you are. The seat got locked on my smaller wife too. Fat bitch is fat too! Fat people deserve a- Pfft.

Smaller but like relative to what? Like a planetary scale or what are we doing? This is my wife, Pluto. Yeah, she's smaller yeah no she doesn't even have a moon yeah she doesn't even have objects crashing even call it a moon is more of a captured asteroid safe comfortable ride just like anyone else Waymo you need to provide seatbelt extenders it's as simple as that oh fuck off seatbelt iters. It's as simple as that. Oh, fuck off! Seatbelt ext- why don't you bring your own? Why are you taking an unknown car without your own seatbelt extender?

If you know it's gonna be an issue. Why doesn't she have a car? She is a car. Just roller skating around on two Miata's everywhere. Like, I can't... See, that's what blows me away is. Paul Bunyan. Well his ox trying to get away.

Oh yeah, baby blue ox takes a ride on way most. But you never, you always see them trying to make it, their fatness someone else's problem. You never see them get into their own cars or anything like that. Yeah and trash them. It's always someone else's fucking car. No.

Why don't you have a car? Oh, is it because you would need new tires every ride? Is like, what's going on here? There's a lot of questions that need to be answered. There's fat women involved. We need to know. You know what's funny too is she's obviously perfected this dainty, feminine voice,

but she's still a big fat slob, right? So why don't you put the work in to sound like a woman, but you didn't put the effort into look, you know, like why did the effort stop here? It's like that mental gymnastics fan. Well, I'm fine. Yeah. Yeah. ... inexpensive and should simply be in the car for customers to use when they're needed.

And while we're on the subject of seat belt extenders being in... I'm gonna be like Gideon's Bible. I'm gonna go to all the Waymo's and I'm gonna put in a seat belt extender Optional for them to use that says lose weight you big fat fuck on it. Yeah, and like in yellow She's like a professional victim like like it's akin to being like an ADA lawyer Yeah, we're like well this is this handle isn't you know it needs to be six inches lower and I'm shutting down your business until I get this and it's like oh fuck off. Fuck off. The ally to the fat people in your life means you too should have a seatbelt extender

because her lunch is in this is her lunch box. She's wearing a Toomoo. Jesus Christ. They're going on a lunch date. This is her lunch and this is her dessert. I like the Jawbreaker color scheme on it too. I'm so hungry looking at all these candies. They're not universal. A quick Google search or call to your local parts department at the dealership will let you know if the car manufacturer makes them.

And if they don't, you can get it from seatbeltextenderprose.com for 20 to 30 bucks. So get that. Let's see seatbelt extender pros. Fat. Is that what she said? Did you hear about this Jewish guy shot to other Jewish guys because he thought they were Palestinians?

I did see something about that. Did you hear about that? I got tagged in that a lot more than I thought I should. Oh man, let me find it. It's so funny. And then the Jews they survived the shooting. And they're like, we don't see what his deal was. No, no, they said this happened because of all the anti-semitism. Because I read something else and they're like, yeah, we don't understand why he did it, but that is even funny. Jews are in timeout now, I think, because this one they went too far. Like, hmm, guys, come on.

You got to give us this one. This is a little bit, this is a little much even for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man arrested in Miami Beach after shooting two Israelis he thought were Palestinians, and he himself is Jewish. Michael Brafman shot two men, an Israeli father and son leaving them with minor injuries. He told police he saw two Palestinians and shot and killed them both.

Damn it. You subscribe motherfuckers? No. No! You really think this site of all sites isn't gonna be behind a paywall? Israelis shot. Let's see. Yeah, yeah, ABC News. Okay. Okay.

A Florida man has been arrested and charging for shooting 17 times. Geez. For two men he- And he got minor injuries? Using cheap bolts, probably. Cheap shells. Second degree of trauma. Geez. And he got minor injuries? Using cheap bolts, probably. Cheap shells. Second degree attempted murder.

Yeah, what did they say? He said that he saw two Palestinians while driving his truck and he shot and killed both. Okay, the victims said the defendant do not know each other. Violence based in hate. Now I gotta find their response. Their response is so funny.

Anti-Semitism. What's the victim's response? To Israelis, Jewish man. Okay, it's probably an Al Jazeera. Uh... Dang it. Okay, it's probably an algae Al Jazeera Dang it Semitism Incidents raising alarm over anti-semitism. How did they how does that have anything to do with it? Incidents raising alarm over anti-semitism that guy just killed to that guy is Jewish killed them because he thought they were Palestinians There's no anti-semitism involved in this

It's like rap music finally made its way up the chain killed them because he thought they were Palestinians. There's no anti-Semitism involved in this. It's like rap music finally made its way up the chain. Uh... Oh, it's not just the victims, it's every paper saying that it's anti-Semitism. Okay. Oh yeah, here we go. The victims... The victims, so the Jews who got shot... by the other... the Israelis who got shot by the Jewish guy

went on social media and posted, Death to Arabs. So the Jewish guy said, Hey, fuck you Palestinians, and shot two Jews. And then the Jews went on social media and said, Fuck Palestine. Two Jews and then the Jews went on social media said fuck What maybe this is the best timeline where

Facebook post after the shooting show rabies at Miami Jackson Memorial Hospital and his Hyundai with several bullets. The injured men reportedly posting death to Arabs in a message on social media. My father and I went through a murder attempt against anti-semitic background. Oh okay, so the Israelis who got shot said that they got shot because of anti-semitism and death to Arabs. And the shooter who was Jewish said that he killed Two Palestinians and fuck Palestine Well, at least they're all in agreement

Yeah, that's true It's a little misguided and I don't know I think we got a I think we're gonna have to I think I'm gonna need to Know more on this one. Mm-hmm. Actually, I don't think I can get over this one It's a little too like it swept it up a little too quick. Yeah, they swept it up a little too fast It's deeply ironic. Yeah Yeah, it says cares national executive direct care. Is that the Muslim thing or the Arab thing? Could you imagine if two Arabs shot each other and said, man, fuck, fucking Israel, man. Can you imagine the shit storm that would come out of that? But the care guys got to go.

I mean, the care guys like, come on, guys. Only so much I can do. You know, come on. At what point can you not notice anymore? Oh, when are you supposed to stop? Give me a break guys. Oh yeah, what was I looking up? The seatbelt thing.

Shit. Safety belt extender pro? Is that what it was? Seatbelt extender pros. Oh, yeah, there it is. Seatbelt extender pros. Oh, okay. We've got the widest. Oh, okay.

Nothing funny at all. Extenders by car. Wow, man. They have a whole thing. Okay. Upsetting. Oh man, they have a whole thing. Okay. D'you see? Upsetting. Look at her coming, look at her Instagram profile.

I like that she did cow nails. She's coming out of the car like Oscar the Grouch. Ah! That's me, I'm coming to get you. Climbing out of the fucking top. She's dressed like a barn here, walking across the street. Oh, god. That's crazy.

Here they are at Stonehenge's replica something. Is there a counter for how many times her knees have given out? Oh, this one. This had to be a knee ender. That's a meniscus terror right there. Look at how tiny her shoes are. Objects in these shoes. Look, the cloven hoof too.

Nearly 15, nearly 19% of Carlone's. Oh, okay, math. Here's her topless with a bouquet of flowers. She looks like that Bob Rooney. She looks like Bob Rooney. Some no-ma'am in a wig. Bob Rooney! Okay.

Goodbye, everybody. See you, everyone. Bob Rooney! Great Caesar's Ghost! Oh, this is it. Somebody found the KS theme song. The new one's the international version of the Squares? Well, it sucks. Fucking I. Corgans getting married. How about that? Oh shit congrats man. Go up. Thank you and go fuck yourself. That's wonderful Corgan Where you getting oh that's a bit far for me

Congrats Congratulations, congratulations you have anything else chainsaw no I got nothing else over here let me is this the theme song that I'm talking about no that's the that's the dope one now what's this one gay Gay. Far, very far from here, some 2000 miles away. That's where they live and work and play. We live, and it feels good, so that's why we sing all day.

We're doing things the flirty way. But there's danger there, lurking everywhere, cause Gargamel will catch me if I can! Who is this weird fuck talking to me? Smurfs! This is insane. I'll get you, I'll get all of you if it's the last thing I ever do! Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe Hehehe He feels good and that's why we stay safe all day, doing things that's more fun. We live happily and keep Yeah, you can say that again And that's why we sing all day

Doing things that's not even real I had a lock. I thought I had a sure sure thing. I was gonna hammer her with this Worry Warts episode and I hit play and this shit starts playing and I'm like Oh, my dick turned inside out. Yeah, that'll set your whole shit. It's like, ah, what the fuck is this shit about doing things the smurfy way? Yeah, this isn't the show I remember at all.

This is not. Then the questions start coming to you, and now it looks like you fucked up. I look like I have fucked up. This is what was supposed to hit. That's the correct one. ["Fucked Up"] And that's cut.

No. No. Yes. This must be a first season one. No. No. No. No.

No. No. This is wrong too! What the fuck! Crimsel you fucked up! That's not the correct That is not the correct theme of the Smurfs Crimsel I think you just gained more ops You better be in high gear number 4 on this list now

You better watch it I'm telling your enemies on you All your ops. Riley said he's gonna go to one of the ripitards' moms and tell on the guy who's being a jackass. He's gonna tell his mom on him. That Sturgis guy, that's all, he's a weirdo. Riley's gonna go tell his mom that he's like calling people dog fuckers online and stuff and behaving badly. That's funny.

Oldest trick in the book. I'm gonna tell your mom, honey. Oh man. 280 grand. Eric is a lot of the starch has gone out of his sails. He's not calling anybody an N-word now, is he? Ooh, you gotta be pulling in a million bucks if you're gonna be calling people N-words.

You gotta be on top to act like you're on top. Yeah, you ain't on top of shit now. You're on top of a big pile of debt. You're gonna have to go back to that gas station and meet up with your boys. You're gonna be back at Planet Fitness. Planet Fitness. Fit these nuts in your mouth.

Fitness dick in your mouth, Eric. Eric. Now he's real appreciative of the fans now. Now he made a post, Eric made a post saying that his fans are not pay pigs. For some insane reason he put this idea out with his fans that you guys are not pay pigs. Which you should never do. Out of nowhere you do not go out and make an announcement Hey everybody, I'm not a pedophile Yeah, I think Sargon famously got fucked for saying something along those lines right?

Did he? Did he say like I wouldn't even rape that lady? Oh that was yeah, that was dumb He was trying to funny, but you know for He's trying to ape a comeback that a politician like yeah, yeah But it's the same like you can't you can't put the idea out there. Yeah, I wouldn't even rape you What are you? Are you like a notorious rapist or something? What are you talking about? Right? Cuz oh Eric said you guys aren't pay pigs and I'm looking at that going that was a done saying that you're not pay pigs was a dumb. It was a dumb thing to do But it also tells me that you're he's saying they're not pay pigs now

Yeah, now you're having to do now you're really on damage control. Hey guys, how come you're not giving me money anymore? I'm making shit It's a damn shame. Don't you want shit? I'm making shit. It's a damn shame. Don't you want shit? I've been shitting in your mouth for years. Why don't you, why don't you wanna eat my shit anymore? Don't you support my warehouse?

I totally bitched out of like fighting with people online, which is the only reason why this is successful. Yeah, but look at the people I'm employing. Look at all these people I'm employing. We need your money. I need your money to continue. Guys, we have a family. It's really funny.

It's really funny. It's really funny. This is... Mm-hmm. Vito, I swear to God, if you don't hurry up and just put something in the room. Just put it out. Don't let someone making a joke comic about your IP quote.

What was that guy's name? I'll link to it. Drongo. Drongo. Glenny Disco. Drongo. Yeah, that's awesome. It's so good. And then Johnny Rocket. These guys did this one.

Johnny Rocket, awesome work. Yeah, Johnny Rocket is a really funny writer. These are fucking, I was looking at both of these first thing this morning and just laughing. He's the Punisher shooting Superkiller on the toilet who has no door for his bathroom. Who's also punishing the toilet. That's so funny. It's...

Uh, okay. Goodbye, everyone. Deee, dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee.