The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 207 Baywatch Xmas Special with Dan McQuaide

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway, welcome back special guest, Dan McQuaide to the DOGGZZONE! Are y'all ready for a transgender little person incel prieset criminal Pamela Anderson elf secret? 'Cause that's what you're getting. It's a Baywatch Christmas special! There's plenty of slow motion running for everyone, just like in nightmares!

1-900-HOT-DAUGHT 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Our podcast slams with maximum hype Say hot dog podcast, word Yeah When you taste that nitrate power You're in the dog zone for an hour Come on

You know the number 1-900 1-900-HOT-DAUGHT Welcome to the TalkZone 9000, the official podcast of 1900hotdog.com, the final website. We make frivolous, joke-dense, high-effort articles every weekday about very strange things with an all-star cast of comedy writers. We do not have ads other than this stupid crap I'm reading right now, so we need your support at patreon.com slash 1900hotdog. Patrons get every article, bonus podcasts, and Discord watch-along movie events with me,

internet favorite Sean Baby, along with my co-host, four-time runner-up Yum Yum Fellow for the New England Hunks and Buns Magazine. He's the great Robert Rockway. Ooh, I wanted Yummy Boy real bad. Yummy Boy. I'm really sorry to do this. Can you skip me and do Dan's intro and then come back?

It'd be my pleasure. Our guest is a founder and editor at Defector Media I'm really sorry to do this. Can you skip me and do Dan's intro and then come back? It'd be my pleasure. Our guest is a founder and editor at Defector Media and Chief Director of the Yum Yum Hunks and Buns Fellowship, Philadelphia's own, Dog's own favorite, Dan McQuade. For once, I don't want any follow-up questions. So I, cause I want to know why Broccoli needs to go second. I'm excited to learn. I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry to you guys. I'm sorry to listeners. I'm really rusty. Like I haven't been doing this for a long time, for like four months now. And I've forgotten a lot of how these things go. So I just realized that I forgot to torture you with AI puns when it was my turn to host last time during the Cryptid podcast. And I looked, they didn't actually have Connecticut-specific puns, so here are 15 state puns from the AI pun site, punsteria.com. These are particularly dire, and I'm giving you 15 to make up for missing the last time.

Alaska, what do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear-asca! Oh, I wouldn't have got that. Ever. These are, I understand states less than a lot of things. Why did the grape go to California? Because it wanted to become a raisin charge. Oh, yeah, see, I knew it'd be raisin based, but I don't, I'm not sure I understand what

that means. I don't get what that means. But it's always- It's probably a Rodney King reference. If I had to guess, it was a Rodney King reference. Raisin charge. Yeah. Race, a race charge?

No, I can't get there. Yeah. I can't get there. Why did the cowboy become a baker? Because he needed Doe Last Texas. Well, that's just solid comedy writing. I mean, that holds up to all scrutiny. I'll warn you right now, that's the closest it gets to a joke.

Whatever that was. Yeah, it started with one. It was like, it needed it. And then there were like 70 more like, made it not a joke. Do-less Texas, right? What? Do-less. For Arizona, why do cacti never seem sad?

Because they always find a prick-turek view in the Arizona desert. And I did not mispronounce, there is no S, it's a prick-turek a Prick-ter-ec. Prick-ter-ec. I'm not even sure. Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't even know what that could be trying to go for. I think it's going for picturesque, and it came out with Prick-ter-ec.

Prick-ter-ec. No, that's good. Maybe I would have got that eventually, but I don't think so. What did the dice say to the gambler? Don't roll act Nevada. I don't roll act. R-O-L-L hyphen E-C-T. Don't roll act Nevada.

Neglect? Forget? Neglect? Forget? That's what it says on their license plate really passive Nevada we're all right come on Colorado making fun of Maryland that's what it says on there there's a lot of license plate holders like that Colorado why did the mountain start a band because it wanted to rock and roll-a-rado. Oh, that rules. It's fucking stupid if that doesn't go on their flag. Because it wanted to rock and roll-a-rado. I thought it was going to be a rock band, right?

Why did the mountain start a band? Something about a rock band? No, rock and roll-a-rado. That's why the robot gets paid the big money that they used to pay humans. What did the tree, I'm sorry, this is Oregon. What did the tree say to the lumberjack? Leave me alone again. Wow. Leave me alone again. I like that it did this with Texas too, where it made the pun, leave me alone, and then

it just added part of the state name. And then just add a chunk of the state, yeah. It's an interesting way to build a gym. I don't know where it got that. I'm so glad you thought that was- There's no data, it could have scraped. I'm so glad you thought that was interesting. You're gonna enjoy the rest of these.

Montana, why did the buffalo skip the gym? Because it was already bison fit Anna. God damn it. Jamie, we can cut all this. No, we can't. Jamie, God damn it, leave it in. See, this is, I carefully calculate the like unbearableness of these to end at 10.

We're at 10, you get your bonus ones now. This is where, this is why it feels like, okay, that's enough, because normally this is enough. Michigan, why did the car feel tired? Because it had been driving Michigan and back. God damn it. Mish, Mishigam and back. I hate that.

Like just the natural way your brain wants to solve puzzles, right. And then, but you know, there's nothing there. Like you, there's nothing to be solved. It's like this, the robot has built us this maze we can't escape. And it fucking pisses me off. It's, it's, it's got the like cadence of a joke down. It's so weird. It's, it's exactly like, oh God, this is a deep cut. It's like the cockroach monsters from Mimic. Does anybody remember that movie? Probably just me.

Okay, I think so. The whole deal was like they evolved to look kinda like a guy in a coat if you weren't paying attention very well. Yeah, that sounds familiar. It's like, that's what this is. Like these are the cockroach monsters from Mimic of jokes. Oh, okay, I'm looking at a photo.

I can see, he looks like a Resident Evil character. Yeah, but like in the movie, he's always seen from far away in like a subway and people are like, oh, that's just a guy. But then if you look at him for a minute, you're like, oh, that's a that's a cockroach monster. All of these jokes are cockroach monsters. Especially this one Hawaii. Why did the palm tree go to the beach? Because it wanted to see its way by ease. That was great. Most of that was delivery. I credit you with that, with making that work.

Well, you see what happened there is that it tried to just add Hawaii to the end of it. Right. But it ends up- But that means scream. But that means a scream. So it phonetically spelled a scream. I don't get why this is Ohio, but here's Ohio.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems to solve HIO. Why does Max, why did you start where you started? Like it? Wisconsin. Why did the cheese go on a diet? Because it wanted to be cheddar than ever sconson. It's broke the robot so badly. Yeah.

So broken. This is the future. And the next generation of AI is going to read that and think, okay, add that to the file of jokes. That's what- Yeah, they're going to be worse than this. They're going to be doing an impression of this Uh, God, it's a cockroach monster of a cockroach monster Alright, this is the last one and I want to preface this by saying what I'm about to say is how it goes Like I'm not adding anything. I'm not mispronouncing Louisiana why do alligators make great detectives? Because they always solve case anal.

Oh, fuck. It's really good joke. Drop the particle, drop to the A particle, because they always solve case hyphen anal. Hive case anal. I think it was maybe trying to add the ANA from the end of Louisiana, but then it added an L also and made it anal. I think that's fine. I'll allow that. I'll allow that.

All right. I think case ana is crazy. You'd be like, what's a case ana? Because they always solve case ana. Who's case ana? But case anal, I'm like, I's a Case Anna? Because they always solve Case Anna. Who's Case Anna? But Case Anal, I'm like, I don't know what it means, but I want to. I'm intrigued.

Yeah, I'm ready to look into this. That's how I apologize. That's my apology. That's the closest you'll get. That was your apology? That was my apology. And now back to the rest of Dan's introduction. Yeah, what are you working on these days, Dan?

I hope it's case anal. I'm great to promote just defector.com as a great site. We've had a lot of good. I don't know what, it's the end of the year and like some bunch of my coworkers have written like some really, really great, interesting, funny articles. And I'm like, you guys, it's December.

What are we doing? Yeah, take these. Yeah, let's chill a bit. Nobody's gonna read that. Yeah, we have good content right now. Just think how great it'll be in January. Or maybe everybody will take off then. Hopefully not.

Hopefully. You'll have so much backlog from when you should have taken off in December. Yeah. We get some more of those great David Roth Trump analyses. Yeah. He just berates the world for allowing him. Drew McGarry does his annual William Sonoma

haters guide, which like, yeah, I was like doing art for it. And then my dad was like, we get these ads on my phone for William Sonoma. And it's like, Oh, yeah, it's seeing that my phone is looking at it. And then you're near me. So now you're getting this William Sonoma content, Ain't the future brilliant. I know. It's fantastic. Dan, you did bring us a wonderful gift of Christmas Baywatch. An insane two-part episode of a show I can't fucking believe was the most

popular show on the planet at one point. Can we delve into that real quick for a minute? I never watched Baywatch when it was on because I just assumed I knew what it was about. And like, yeah, I assumed it's some sort of, you know, police procedural, but with like, hot river or beach cops, like, whatever. Sure. So I never watched it. This is what it was about. This was the most popular show in the world. For who? I think it just translated well. Yeah, I think that it's because the plots are not like in America, people remember they're like slow motion running. And it's like, yeah, that's like the joke on friends about Baywatch, a show people watch

more. But I think around the world, because the plots are so stupid or don't matter, you know, it's just like, oh, you look at like hot people, it's on and maybe other countries don't matter, you know, it's just like, oh, you look at like hot people it's on and maybe Other countries don't have great TV or don't have Pamela Anderson. That's true We do have Pamela Anderson in your face Yeah and they can just sell it all around the world and you know If you sell enough places tons of people watch it and know the show

I try so hard to write good important stories and it's all fucking pointless. Just put a hot person on and And they'll translate better across the world. God damn it They even bring in like new hot people every episode for like an episode Like it's always got got a new hot person look at I'm just saying if you had told me in like 1995 that did like if you had stopped me and described an episode of Baywatch, I would have been like, no, you're lying. Like that's not what that is. That can't be what that shows. That's what people will think today. There's no way anyone will believe us when we describe these this episode. They do, they do arrest like some people. That's true. the cops and the lifeguards are the, I mean, like in this episode, there is like, there's arrests where it's just random people are like, like, that's the criminal. Let's, let's

get them. And they and the bike cop chase after. The show is kind of beautiful. And obviously the people are very beautiful. And then they, even the extras, they'll have like just hot babes and they'll perv out on them. But then it's also really dystopic. Like, like When they cut to the beach, it's those LA beaches that are just shoulder to shoulder crowded. Everyone just looks unhappy at the beach, so you're just sandy and hot and there's too many people. They keep cutting to that for B-roll. It's this whiplash that you get from like, oh, look at that hot bikini babe running by in slow motion and then just like, oh no, nine million tourists all in half.

They use B-roll from the pilot throughout the whole series. For real, it's just the same footage. They just picked the sadder scenes. Maybe it was shot and it wasn't on a sunny of a day or something and it's just like, why does this look sad? They're on the beach. I'll bend enough LA beaches to know they're kind of nightmares, but like you can still have a nice day at a huge. They could have filmed it to pretend, you know, at least use it. We did Baywatch before when you were on and I was really surprised at how many things happened. It was just like 50 tiny plots. This one seems not so much that.

There's not as many things happening. There was still way too much, but it was like, way too much. That a human brain could contain. I think, is that how the show went? Did they get like lazier as the show went? Or is that just a- Yeah, I think it's they added more characters

as the show went on because, like any show is trying to keep it fresh or Pamela Anderson leaves and they're like, oh, we got to replace her with three people. You know, and they want a more diverse cast at a certain point. And they, you know, they try to give, now sometimes they bring on somebody and they're never in a plot. But yeah, so this is an example of one of my favorite types of Baywatch episodes where, so David Hasselhoff thinks he's better than the show Baywatch and considering why I've watched it all, considering the show does get markedly worse, the less

he gets involved, he might be right. Uh, maybe he's right. Yeah. But you can smell the David Hasselhoff ego. He doesn't want to get involved in the stupid plots. So he's right. Yeah. But you can smell the David Hasselhoff ego. He doesn't want to get involved in the stupid plots. So he's not involved in the elves plot in this episode. But they go too far because his plot is his new girlfriend is dying of cancer. And right, or some something. And it's him finding that out out basically. And they always do this. The there's a YouTube podcast called a Baywatching where this woman, Alison Pregler is watching every episode and she calls it Emmy cancer. And it's like,

they're the longest running show to never even be nominated for an Emmy. And so they always tried to put in some sort of like tearjerker plot, but they put it in the wrong episode every single time. The, the one where the wrestlers like it's like the WCW, uh, macho man and Hogan versus Ric Flair and Vader. The B plot of that is like Stephanie has a, has cancer. They just have no idea how to play. So you can't submit that episode to the Academy.

You're not putting the elf episode up. Yeah. Amazing. Because yeah, this is an insane episode. I guess let's go through the plot. I'm going to obviously have to talk about all these. It starts off with Santa parasailing, which I loved, because his driver is hitting.

He's holding his game genie. Yeah, what the hell? He's holding two gifts. Santa, he doesn't have a sack to distribute. He's got two gifts for somebody, for like two kids down there. And that's it, one gift in each hand. It's the weirdest.

That's the last one we watched where the homeless guy was like sleeping in the barrel upright, and he had like famous Amos and something else on him. It's like they got product placement The last one we watched where the homeless guy was like sleeping in the barrel upright and Had like famous amos and something else on him. It's like they got product placement and they they don't know like they're like Well, we'll just put it here. And so it's like Santa holding a game genie Power selling the reading ocean. It looks so it makes it look so much more intentional than surely they have it to be Yeah, like I was like, oh shit. what is gonna happen with this game of oodles? Like, this is... Like, he's gonna do something with that.

He's gonna land and then all the cast of Baywatch will play oodles and a game genie. And they're like, no, why did we do this? Also, I thought it was kind of a hat on a hat that he was parasailing and also the guy that was driving the boat was also a Santa. Like that just... Yeah, too much. Plus it almost looked like he was escaping with the board game and the game genie. Because he's kind of clutching them, obviously, because he's like, going through the sky. You don't have a sack. You took that away from a child. Yes, what kind of Santa? Yeah, it's a Santa smash and grab. But his driver is heading straight for a bridge because he's so mesmerized by Sky Santa

that he forgot like probably the most important part of his job, which is not to drive your boat into a bridge. Yeah. And then he turns to not hit the bridge. And we watched Santa slowly, like gently go towards the ocean, just a few feet from the shore. And the show plays this like it is the most dramatic thing that will ever happen. Like they all rush into action to save him when like, how far he falls away from the

beach that water could be tops 14 inches deep. Nobody would rush everybody be like, oh, he's gonna land real gentle in that nice surf. Yeah, they talk about the slow motion running. They're actually just jogging in the sea. And they jog down the beach to get to the sky. They thought it was going to be they forgot to make it slow motion. I mean, Christmas is at stake. If I was a lifeguard on that beach, I would be like fucking red alert.

Santa is falling from the sky. I mean, it's not serious. He'll be fine. But like the optics of just letting Santa just take care of himself after, I don't know. Hasselhoff has an all hands meeting to remind everyone that Christmas is warm in California. I think this is probably for us, the viewers benefit, but like this feels like a weird thing to like bring up during a work meeting and it's the entire meeting. It is a great exhibition.

That's like great meeting everybody. Christmas in California is not snowy. And now this is kind of a trope on TV, but some of the characters have had bad experiences with Christmas or want a white Christmas. So, Mitch's girlfriend, Hasselhoff's girlfriend, wanted to see snow and she says, it's my last chance for a white Christmas. And he's like, oh, he just totally misses it. The music gets all mysteriously sad and Hasselhoff misses this entirely.

She says it and then like looks down at the floor and heaves a heavy sigh. Like I've never seen an episode of this plot line before. Instantly I was like, oh, she's dying of cancer. Yeah, she's dying of cancer. Because if you say that- It couldn't be more clear. You're dying of cancer. Only Hasselhoff could miss that.

He missed the secret message so hard. What he did was he grabbed Pamela Anderson, just the hottest girl on the planet, to come dress his girlfriend up like a Christmas tree. I think this would, I don't know, I know enough about women to know that if my wife was sad about something, I would not grab the hottest woman in the world and say, throw a bunch of weird shit on my wife. I don't think that's how I'm getting out of that problem. But then there's another lifeguard named Matt. Yeah, David Charvet. Charvet. Yeah, something like that. He just leaves because

he he doesn't want to compare Christmas memories because I'll just let him explain. I took a clip. Matt, is everything okay? Yeah. I just didn't feel like standing around and comparing Christmas memories. Why not? Cause I don't have any. That was not a lull in the dialogue.

They're done talking about it. We don't know if he's a Jehovah's Witness. Newly hatched, is he a Joey Lawrence clone? Is he just like a year old? We don't know why he has no Christmas memories. I wrote down exactly that. I wrote down, I'm sure they mean he was a Jehovah's Witness, but that's saying clone. That's a word for word.

You had clone and Jehovah's Witness. And Jehovah's Witness, both That's a word for word. You had clone and Jehovah's Witness. And Jehovah's Witness. Both like back to back in the sentence. Like, do they not have Christmas in France or something? Like how did he, how does he not have any? They still have, they have Christmas in France. He would have to be, this is, they never explain what the fuck he meant by that. Nope.

So like, Martian, Martian is what you meant by that. I would immediately if I was on the show, I would immediately arrest him as like a beach alien. Like you just you can't be an alien on my beach. I guess next we get introduced to the it was probably would be the A plot if there weren't elves in this episode. But there's a bookie and he's real gross. He's got like bikini pictures on his wall. And he's got this lady who's like in the hole to him for $10,000.

And he's like making it very clear she could pay off that debt in a different way. And she gets back at him by working with a little boy who snatches her purse to distract him. She takes his keys, goes back to his office, steals the money. He immediately knows what's happening. He's like, oh, that lady did this fucking grift to get my blah, blah, blah. And instead of running away, she's like, cool, I got this guy's $10,000. I'm going to leave town. They go to the exact same block and just keep doing grifts the rest of the day, hanging out.

They do grift for a character who seems like he's a Simpsons character, like basically the crime boss. And then they get $10,000, and then they go right back to the same spot to do a grift to make like $90. Yes. Right. Okay, right back to the same spot, like, literally, because they make it a point to show you the audience, like, look, here are Christmas trees.

And then I feel like they're trying to pass this off as they're somewhere else in Malibu or wherever, but they keep showing the Christmas trees. That's the one anchor we have to definitively say, why aren't they leaving not just this block, but like this specific area? And then they do it right next to a cop. They see that it's a cop and they're like, wow, shit, let's still do it. They do the griff and then they walk like five feet away and they celebrate the griff. And that's how the woman finds out that she got scammed. They celebrate the grift in front.

They move closer to the cop to celebrate the griff. Yeah, they have the equidistance between the cop and the lady that they scammed. And then the lady's like lady that they scammed. And then the lady's like, those people scammed me. Within like speaking distance to the police officer. Yes. They are within speaking distance when they finish the scam. It's amazing.

It's so far beyond what anyone would forgive. Like, okay, we got to like, have the story happen, right? Like they need to get caught, but this is just like, this is crazy. The thing you're showing me is pissing me off. Next week we meet the little people and they are stoked to be at the beach. There's six of them and they are just whooping and grinning

and they go right up to David Charvet. And it's so weird. I just, I took a clip of this intro. It's a little bit long and it completely insane, but at least a joy. I think the spot especially to be near you, a lifeguard. My colleagues and I are here on vacation.

My name is Benjamin, but you can call me Benny. Benny, it's nice to meet you. My name's Matt. Nice to meet you. We all really needed some time off. And we decided sunny California is the place to be. Is this your first time out here? Uh, we've flown over the area.

It's beautiful here. It's freezing where we come from. They're really trying to lay it on thick that these are Christmas elves, but like... elves do not fucking fly in Santa's sleigh. And- They do on this one. Just hanging off the side for dear fucking life. Yeah.

So that was adoring to me. To just walk right up. We chose this to be next to you, a lifeguard. You're like, that's fucking weird, man. What does that mean? Yeah, we're just big fans of lifeguards. Are you bad swimmers? Anyway, I loved it.

I loved that this could just enter into a human brain, like, let's have some Christmas elves come to the beach. I love the casting they did with the elves, because there's like, they're saying- Two get minds. Two of the six people they cast. Right, but look at them. They're also like, we have never seen the sun in our frozen North Pole, and there's the most tan little person I've ever seen,

and she is fucking jacked. Like, she is out there. If you ask for weights, she's the one that packs them. Prostitute and total recall. Right. Yeah, there's also another elf with like a deep, another deep tan, a bald spot and a gold chain. So like these elves, these elves like to party is what I'm getting from this.

And then the main guy, the guy who said Benny, that's Mickey from Seinfeld. It's like Kramer's like one of his friend sidekicks and schemes. Yeah, I didn't recognize the other four, but I did, I did recognize the two main ones. No, the people who got speaking roles, it's like, oh, that's why they got speaking roles. They're better at acting than these other people. Right. David Charvet, he like watches them run into the water and they're just, again, everything makes them so happy.

It's adorable. They're like adults. I mean, they're saying they're elves. He says like, our boss is a real sleigh driver this year. Oh yeah, I took a clip of that. Let me play that. And Shaquille O'Neal have you seen that guy? So what you guys having a good time?

No. We're having a great time. The old geezer we work for is a sleigh driver this time of year. Sleigh driver? Did I say sleigh driver? I meant slave driver. I mean, the comic timing from every character, brilliant. That's like how heavy handed they get. Yeah.

On the beach, they're talking like, you know, adults, they're regular people. And then you show them go in the water and it's like they're a group of five year olds, like running into the ocean. And it's like, oh guys, come on. Like, you need to, like, there was, literally earlier in this season, or maybe the previous season,

there's a Baywatch episode about like a character who's like a kid who's embarrassed about his dad who's a little person. And the lesson is that you shouldn't treat anybody differently, little people are just the same as anyone else. And now magical elves. Yes.

They don't infantilize them. It's just they're trying to play it like, what, are these elves or something? Oh, they couldn't be. What are they? Oh, they couldn't be. Motherfucker, if these aren't elves, why the hell is he saying anything that he's saying? Like what, what is, you're supposed to have like a feasible reality. Are they elves or are they just, or do they work up in Alaska at the fishery? No, you're just like, he's a sleigh driver. What could that be but Santa?

Yeah, there's no other end to it. Pam Anderson is working with a bunch of kids and she meets a priest and he's not in his priest uniform, he's in his shorts. They have a really dumb exchange about this, but they're kind of going for a weird romantic chemistry, but they accidentally missed and they filmed a perfect Garth Marenghi exchange. I have a clip here. You know, we're actually in the same line of work. We both save lives.

You just get them a little closer to heaven. You keep them from getting there too soon. I'm glad we're gonna be working together, CJ, and please call me Sam. OK. And just for comparison, I did take a clip from Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, if you haven't seen the show, just so you can compare.

Have you ever done that before? What, making love? No, I mean with a patient. Once or twice. But they were dying. It was their last wish. But with you, it was real. I did it because you're different.

Hold me in your arms. We don't even know each other's names. Linda. Dr. Sanchez. That's the best. That show's the best. They accidentally created. They have the same cadence, the same delivery. He even has a Matt Berry kind of voice to him.

I love it so much. Right now, I think in the plot, the bookie and his hitman, they go out, they see the kid from the grifter's son. They see him immediately. Can we just reiterate? Still at the Christmas trees. Yeah, they're right there on the one corner of Venice Beach. His mom has been arrested and dragged away for a scam and he did not leave the Christmas trees.

Yeah. His hitman looks, I wrote that he looks like Adam Baldwin playing Steven Seagal and I deserve the Nobel Prize for that description, I think. That's good. Thank you. I was very proud of it when I was like, that's exactly what this guy looks like. He chases the kid onto the beach and David Chauvet sees this and runs over to rescue the kid. And here's the weird thing about Baywatch, is the lifeguards do have some sort of like

a authority-like police officer. So he sees the lifeguard, and he's like a professional hitman. He's about to murder a kid in broad daylight. But when he sees a teen lifeguard, he's like, I'm outta here. Running over with his little red floatie, and he's like, fuck, I stand no chance.

Benny the elf now, he's trying to swim. He gets hit by a wave and just carried 20 feet out to sea. He gets like resuscitated, he like dies. And when he comes back to life, he lets it slip that he works for Chris and the little buff elf tells him to shut up. So he's like really done it now. He's let it slip that he does work for Santa Claus.

By my count, this was the fifth time they've done this exact bit. Right, I hope you liked it. We got several more! David Sharpay's kind of figured it out. He keeps like thinking to himself like, I think these are... I think these are fucking Christmas elves. So he says, but no, they're probably not sorcerers or whatever.

He's like, you guys work for Santa at the mall, right? And they're like, oh shit, we gotta go! Because he's circling it. They know he's getting close to uncovering their dark Christmas secret. And yet, if you actually were elves, he just gave you, oh yeah, yes, that's it. Now this is over. Thanks for ending the plot right now. Thank you. I think what it is is elves can only lie whimsically. They can't directly lie to you. They can't say, no, that's not true. They do actually lie later in the episode.

Because they tell them later that they're undertakers, which is fucking weird. Like, are you saying you're from Phantasm then? Cause that's where that goes. I guess. Hasselhoff's son, Hobie, brings home the kid thief. They're like, hey, this strange kid that I found on the boardwalk,

they're going to stay the night. This cock blocks David Hasselhoff, he's there with his girlfriend, they're trying to have a nice romantic night. So David meets this strange boy and instead of saying nice to meet you, the first thing he says is, it's bath time. Yep, immediately tries to make the strange child.

It's very strange. And I have another clip I pulled, you're not gonna believe this, but this is the second thing he says to the young boy. Why not? Oh, no. Why? Why? Why? He... is a she.

No way! What is... Okay, what is that moment? Why are they shocked to death that this like seven-year-old child, like they got the gender wrong? Like, it would never surprise me to learn that. And they play it like this is the revelation of the episode. And he doesn't, like Kasseloff doesn't even figure it out.

She just tells him. The door would have been closed when she went for her bath shower. Like, yep, he still wouldn't have found out because he's an idiot. He didn't find out till she was told. There was no reason for any of it. As a writer. They're like, okay, we got to do a gender reveal. We got to like say, okay, yeah, so this is actually a girl, not a boy. How do we do that? Oh, I mean, they'd have to get the kid naked

and turn it upside down. Like, how do we get there though? Okay, okay. But this is like, it's an old trope to do the like, oh, the gender was wrong. That's the big shocker. Like you were, the best soldier in our squad was a girl all along, but you need like that extra thing

of like, that's why it's a shocker. And you're not like, this seven year old child who has long hair, it turns out I got their gender wrong. Yeah, fucking happens all the time. Just all the time. She has to like win a wrestling tournament or something or like something that like you wouldn't expect from that gender or whatever.

Like you're the greatest floral arrangement child I've ever met. Show her being like more rough and tumble than you would think. Like she's just real, real just cussing up a storm, just grabs Hasselhoff by the cock or something. You're like, what? No.

Maybe not that last thing. Jamie, we're gonna have to cut all of this. Jamie, go back in time and take this out of the Baywatch episode. Good place. It's so weird that he immediately tries to get in the shower with a stranger's child and then it's not okay because she's a girl.

Like, no, no, no, hold on. That was never okay. It's many years later after the episode, but like I have had more or less strangers leave their children with me when my kid has play dates. The idea of looking them in the eye when I say I gave your child a bath is so impossible to me. That's just the Chances of that ever happening are so close to zero like if that kid was completely hit by a skunk

I would not give somebody's child a bath sitting outside I'm just like yes. Are you kids covered in skunk? I would have bathed them, but I'm not their parent That'd be fucking crazy, right? It's crazy, right? And then you're left to assume, okay, that there was nothing to make this a shocking reveal, but they're all playing it very shocking. So it must be later this is gonna come into play, right? Yeah. That there's gonna be some shocking reason that,

yeah, surely, we'll see, right? You're right, it's gonna definitely come into play. So they take the kid to the lifeguard office office and she stashes the cash in the Christmas box like a gift box and everyone sees this coming from a million miles away. There's this toy drive and like, oh no, this $10,000 is going to get lost in the anonymous wrapped gifts. Can I say just at this point, I was still absolutely holding my breath for Jeff Altman to be here.

I was, I heard. breath for Jeff Altman to be here. I was... Yeah, you're like... Like they... you hear a ho ho ho when like the Santa comes in for the kids before he comes on screen, I'm like, oh, there he is. That's gonna be Jeff Altman. God damn it, here comes Altman. Yup. I can't believe it wasn't.

It wasn't. I was actually shocked by that too. I thought this is... Dan's trying to get us to see some more stupid Jeff Altman stuff. There are some more Jeff Altman episodes. There's like five. I'll get you eventually. And he's never the same character. This just felt like an Altman stuff. There are some more Jeff Altman episodes. There's like five. I'll get to you eventually. And he's never the same character.

This just felt like an Altman, man. I could just feel the Altman in this one. I was like, you gotta find a place for him. He's the next goon. He was hanging around the set. He was trying on different costumes while they were filming this. Like, huh, what do you think of the circus clown

in this scene? The kid's deadbeat dad. But yeah, Hasselhoff is starting to figure out that something is weird about this shitty hobo cross-dressing child who won't get nude with him. He's like, I don't know, there's something about you. But then Pam Anderson is back with the Hunk Priest and it's weird, I have another clip.

The children will love you. Thanks. It's easy to see why. I just left all that silence in. I loved, I will give her credit here. Like, the joke was that she was a terrible actress at the time. I don't think I've seen it. I never watched the show, so I couldn't really judge it. Right. She sells that look of like, oh, this took a turn that I don't like, but that I was kind of

expecting even though he's a priest. Like, it's a complicated emotion that comes over and she plays it with just a look. And I realize that's because that's like her whole life. It's like every time she interacts with somebody, like she's waiting for this turn. And like this poor fucking priest, like the first time he goes to the beach, he's hit with prime era Pamela Anderson. He just, like she had to known.

It's like firing a tank cannon at a groundhog. Like he's just a crater. She has never met a priest that didn't try to like leave the cloth room. Yeah, you renounce priest that didn't try to like, leave the cloth for her. Yeah, you renounce your vows. I got it, hold on. Luckily, a child like falls into the ocean. Oh, don't undersell this.

He chokes on a candy cane. He's like, he's like deep throating. He's deep throating a candy cane on the beach. That's a crazy choice, cause there's a lot of sand. And then a huge like rogue wave hits him. And what that does, it doesn't just pull him out to sea, it causes him to choke on the candy cane and then pull out to sea and then drowned. So this kid is dying three ways.

And Pamela Anderson just like knows he's gone. She like turns around. She's like, there used to be a kid on that rock. I know he's on the bottom of the ocean. And she just dives in and finds him. That's how good she is. Or how much she wanted be a kid on that rock. I know he's on the bottom of the ocean. And she just dives in and finds him. That's how good she is. Or how much she wanted to get away from that conversation. They have to resuscitate the kid. And I thought, I just, as a mad impulse, I thought they were gonna do like a house MD thing here

where they resuscitate him. And then like, oh, this should be working. Like what's wrong? Cause he's still choking. Right. No, they immediately, cause somebody came in from off camera and says, he was eating candy. And they're like, oh, okay.

So they like, heim like the candy out. But then why add the wrinkle if you're not going to play with it? Agreed. Like, it did nothing. Why makes the boy a girl? Yeah. So now there's some zany elf music

and we see that Benny the elf is, he breaks into the lifeguard station and decorates it for Christmas. But not like, if you've seen the movie Elf, it's not like a supernatural amount of Christmas decoration. It's like, just like 10 things. Yeah, he went to the party store and bought some stuff. But David Chavez sees this and he's like, what?

And it's just this Christmas wonderland for him. And then the elves vanish. Like it's our first evidence that they are magic creatures. Joey is the little girl. She hatches a scheme to bail her mom out of jail. She's going to bail her out with the money, the very evidence of the crime she's being held for. So she just starts tearing open presents

trying to find the money. Hasselhoff catches her and he's like, all right, no, you don't open the presents yet. Like he doesn't give aff catches her. And he's like, all right, no, you don't open the presents yet. Like he doesn't give a shit at all. If I was in a lifeguard station watching some kid just open all the charity gifts, I'm pissed. Like that's an unspeakable child crime.

So now they hatch a new scheme. And I feel like David Hasselhoff might've had a hand in this. Yeah, if he doesn't have a writing credit at the end of this episode, I didn't check, but I'm just sure that he does. Yeah. What this is, they need a picture of David Hasselhoff.

They're like, Hobie, get a picture of your dad. So he comes back with a shirtless headshot of David Hasselhoff and they con babes at a $20 each. They're like, hey, you could meet this hunk. Give me $20 and you enter the sweepstakes to meet this hunk during a parade. For a chance. It's not you can meet this hunk, give me $20, and you enter the sweepstakes to meet this hunk during a parade. For a chance. It's not you can meet this hunk, it's like one of you will be chosen to meet this hunk.

Right. $20, please. Which in 1990 was like, you could buy a car. That's car money, absolutely. And obviously that's a stupid idea, cut to something else. No, no, no, no. We have to sit with it during a full jazz Christmas montage of them showing this picture of David Hasselhoff

to Bikini Babes for like five straight minutes. It is, it's incredible. Yeah, this show is known for its montages. This is the longest one, I think, in this episode. And it's so strange. This is what the producer meant when he said, I can get you on Baywatch. That's exactly right.

Yeah, this is the cumulative effect of like five seasons of him promising that he can get you on Baywatch. That's exactly right. Yeah, this is the cumulative effect of like five seasons of him promising that he can get them on Baywatch. He's like, all right, get them all in there. Yep, some of them got speaking roles. The evil Steven Seagal spots the girl and he knows it's the little boy from yesterday. He's the only one that recognizes her regardless. It's very progressive.

He's a really progressive goon. Great goon. And again, this would have been a time when the gender switch would have been useful because he'd be like, Oh, I don't know who that little girl is. I'm looking for a little boy. But no, he just, it doesn't work. They don't use it. They have scenarios to use it. Why did you do this?

They do a very strange chase sequence. They go under a board walk and they just sort of have a god, it feels like four hours of just like running along this fucking boardwalk. They get a report of the kids. So now everybody knows that that's what's happening. So they send the lifeguards down to the pier. They drop the money they made from the Hasselhoff headshots. I have everything that happened in the plot.

I wrote down, I don't know why you don't need to know all this. The stakes here are that they're worried that the little girl is going to fall in the ocean, but again, they're on the pier, so they're several feet from the shore, with like all kinds of structure to hold onto. It's probably the place you're least likely to drown anywhere in the water. She's also with Hobie still, who has spent his entire life being adjacent to lifeguards living on this beach, and they're looking down at a drop of, I want to say 10 feet, into like a nice, relatively calm surf. There's no stakes to this.

No stakes. They are treating it like it's lava, though. Like, if they fall in this, they will fucking die. And she does. She falls, and the show treats it like she's gone. Like, even the goon is like, well, I didn't get the money, but I saw a kid die. Time to clock out. The goon, like, kisses the air. He's like she's gone. Like even the goon is like, well, I didn't get the money, but I saw a kid die time to clock out. The goon like kisses the air. He's like, mwah. Yes, the goon gives a chef's kiss to child mortality.

In general, he's like, yes, I did a child. Couldn't have hoped for a better outcome. Gonna go back to my boss empty handed, but let him know that a kid died. The way this episode ends, the like actual shot, the setup of this is so fucking crazy. They have her fall. She runs out, she falls through the rotten boards of the boardwalk and is like dangling above the water that they think is lava. And then like, Hobie, the David Hasselhoff's son, is like desperately trying to hold on,

hold on! And then she drops and vanishes and he just like screams like bloody murder and it just slow motions on his face and that's where they go out on. And you're like, oh shit, okay, so she's, I guess she's dead then. And then they, that's the end of this episode, they come back, this is two-parter, they come back to this episode and then they show him like, oh, then just immediately jumping in the water. So like, why did you scream? Why did you scream like that? That's a weird thing to do. Even weirder, like, you know what the term cliffhanger means.

Like you had a literal cliffhanger. She's literally hanging while like holding on to her. And you didn't go out on the literal cliffhanger. It's incredible how bad you have to be to have a literal cliffhanger and botch it. Yeah, in many ways, it's like a writer's show in that like, they know you know the structure, and they just fuck everything up just to like, subvert your expectations. I know they didn't do it on purpose. I know this is just a massive failure in every direction. But it's fun to think of like that. But anyway, that was the end of part one. We're now in part two. Hobie is trying to save this girl, but now Hasselhoff and I can't remember the there's a DILF guard. There's like this guy

with a mustache. Oh, Michael Newman knew me. He's a real lifeguard. He's also Hasselhoff's leg double. He also died recently. He was the he was the actual lifeguard on the show who would sometimes make it so that they didn't do anything too stupid, I believe. Oh, you fucked up a lot then. Yeah, so they never let him go. He wasn't involved in the writing. Yeah, they needed one of those for the writer's room. So they're looking for the girl, they're just diving and diving, they finally find her. She's just sitting on the bottom of the ocean. Again, second child died in this episode, they CPR back to life. Third little person. This is like a family friendly special.

And yeah, they had to perform CPR on him. Like, they had to bring him... There's a lot of little people flatlining here. What did they bring back with them? What tiny demons came across the membrane of our realities? Like, that little girl is going to have to fight her greatest regret now. Like, this is not a joke. They talk over dinner later, and their cop friend Gunner, is going to have to fight her greatest regret now. Like, this is not a joke.

They talk over dinner later, and their cop friend Gunner, he's like, what's that kid's mom's name? Yeah, he arrested her. Arrested her mom, she's a piece of shit. Like, she was like, she stole from a bookie after like promising sexual favors and then like- But what he's most stunned by is that it turns out the little boy that he never met was a little girl.

What? Holy shit. You never met him. Could you imagine? You never saw him. Why would you care? You're telling me this kid owns a hat? He takes the long hair of a girl and shoves it up to look like the short hair of a boy?

I don't know. I gotta go lay down. The police officer's been around before. He hasn't inquired with David Hasselhoff. He's like, hey, why you got this kid around for several days? Nope, it doesn't until it just happens to come up. But right. Yeah, I mean, nothing's gonna complicate this arrest unless I don't know you've been getting her kid nude in any

weird ways. Here's the last name Jennings. And he's like, Oh, must be the daughter of the woman I arrested. Yeah, it really is a strange coincidence. So he tells the kid, he'll talk to her about getting, talk to Santa about getting her mom out of jail for her grotesque sexual manipulative, child endangering petty crimes. I think Santa's gonna know that this lady is naughty.

I don't think he's gonna help from what I know of him. Okay, this shit's crazy. I don't know if you wrote this down in your notes. He wakes up in the middle of the night and catches the kid smoking a cigarette. Like she's just hanging out in a bathrobe reading the racing form. It's like the writer suddenly reminded themselves like,

oh yeah, this is a hobo crime child. We gotta do like some, they don't understand our ways fish out of water gags. But like, this is it. This is what I was saying. Like you should have shown this before revealing that it was a girl. And then you'd be like, whoa.

Oh, that, because she was so rough and tumble before, I would never have expected. It's, it's crazy how backwards and scattered through time this is. Only it's not crazy because remember, Douglas Schwartz and Michael Burke wrote this show. Oh, of course. From Manimal Speedboat Wizard fame. So like, they're, they're experts in just taking a normal script

and then being torn through time and then thrown back in a random order. So the mom's out of jail, charges will be dropped, she gives back the money, and Joey says something so profound here. I may not believe in Santa, but I believe in you. There's so many piano moments. They're just stacking piano moments.

There's like a solid eight minutes here that I swear is just one solid piano song unbroken as everybody has a moving moment. Yeah. And they really let moments land on Baywatch. Like someone will say a line and you've already heard this in the sound clips I took where it's just like 10 good seconds where you can just like, okay, let's let everyone just really feel that. Anyway, they go back to the lifeguard office and remind the viewers that, hey, there's $10,000 cash in one of these many identical boxes. Matt and CJ are on the beach talking about,

he's suspicious that these six little people might be Santa's elves. I was absolutely floored. I had to stop and walk around the house for a minute. You're still doing the elf storyline? Yes! They vanished! They gave him a Christmas miracle and then vanished mystically and then they came back? That's fucking crazy. And they're just people that came to the beach one day. Like they're talking about them like they moved in but like this- No, he saw him disappear like fucking Batman. You got some questions. How did you do that? Why did you do that? Did you- did you give me a Christmas miracle? Like what? No, you got some questions. How did you do that? Why did you do that? Did you give me a Christmas miracle?

Like what? No, you can't bring them back. There's no coming back. She just matter of factly tells him that they're elves. And he's like, what are you fucking talking about? She's like, well, there's aliens. So there must be Christmas elves. Did they meet aliens in one of the episodes,

like real aliens? Dan, you would know. So yeah, there is some supernatural stuff. A couple episodes earlier on, there's like a sort of characteristic UFO at the end. There's ghosts in an episode. In regular Baywatch, because in Baywatch Nights, like, eventually they fight monsters with no explanation. Yeah. Right. But that's Baywatch Nights. I thought that was like the, you move inland, that's where the ghosts are.

There's no ghosts at the beach. I guess there are ghosts at the beach though. Okay, we now cut to the station and Mitch, he has to pick the best beach babe to write a float with him. That $20 headshot scam, the consequences of that have landed and it's that Mitch has to pick the hottest girl to come and flaunt over him. They do the scene where again, I think David Hasselhoff wrote this, with all these babes, they just can't believe how handsome David Hasselhoff is. One of them screams, he's a living doll.

They can't give the money back. Like Hasselhoff's like, just go give them the money back. And they can't because they dropped it in the ocean, like the four feet of water. The people who gave the money didn't really, they weren't told where to go. They weren't told like what they were going to get. Like they don't they're they willingly give up the money. They met Mitch. That's all. He could just do hand stuff with each of them.

And they feel like really delivered like that. You got to promise the chance to go hang out with him for a minute. And you know what? The promise was just that one of you would. You won't. You're all winners. The promise was just that one of you would. You all got it. You're all winners. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. They all got to be near the living doll, David Hasselhoff.

That's enough. Tracy's back at HQ and her hair is, she's brushing her hair and her hair is falling out. So that's the second signal that something's wrong with her. I looked her up, the character, and the first thing in Google summary is, she is the second character to die on Baywatch. So the hair falling out, it's wrong with her. I looked her up, the character, and the first thing in Google's summary is, she is the second character to die on Baywatch. So the hair falling out, it's not good news.

But that being said, Google is broken and insane now. So that may not mean anything. I don't know, maybe she's, her character's alive and well. Not counting all of the ones that died and came back. Right, that's true. Yeah. I did, as I Googled, I found out there was was one of Mitch's girlfriends, like, came back as a double, and was like an evil version of her?

Oh, yeah. There's also an episode where Carrie Anne Moss plays, like, characters who Mitch thinks are sisters, twins, who have opposite personalities, but then it turns out, no, it's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Fang. Oh, that's fucking cool. I would never believe you if you told me this was Baywatch. Just... Did they do a Christmas story? And it turns out, no, it's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing. Oh, that's fucking cool. I would never believe you if you told me this was Baywatch. Did they do a Christmas story? Does he get visited by ghosts?

Did they do a Serenade de Bergiac? The Ghosts are at a hotel earlier in the series, I suppose. Amazing. What a show. So the priest meets up with CJ, Pamela Anderson, and he confesses he can't be a priest anymore because he's in love with her. And again, she's probably used to this.

Every priest she's ever met has done this. Mitch has a weird little Christmas party set up. He invites Tracy to the special Christmas that she always wanted before she dies. And he does that with a little card that he writes, "'Let us dance to the mutual rhythm of our hearts.'" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's fucking amazing. that right a little card that he writes let us dance to the mutual rhythm of our hearts That's the fucking amazing that is I would not assume that is romantic that is some shit like a bad guy says before an anime sword fight like that's I

Would not assume we're gonna murder you yeah, but that's like a serial killer challenging you to a duel I don't I would never have gotten the Christmas party from that. So back in HQ, Pam Anderson's kind of troubled by the fact that this priest is going to leave the cloth because he's in love with her. And Mitch gets mad at her. He's like, your hotness has been a pain in my ass since I met you, but this, it's too far. You can't trick priests out of being priests.

I had some trouble with that. I was like, yeah, that's fucked up, man. She's not her fault. And then he goes straight from this to lecturing Joey's mom for being a grifter. A lot of the show seems to be David Hasselhoff telling hot ladies how they could be better, which that's fine. That's one of my favorite hobbies. The priest is back in his priest costume and CJ tries to let him down easy, but oh, it's just a big misunderstanding. To her credit,

though, there's no other way to take a lot of the things he was saying. Like he was like staring right into her eyes talking about how wonderful and beautiful she was and how any priest would leave God for a pair of her dirty socks. Yum, yum, give me your feet. He's using the Diebel pick up lines. This doesn't scan as like how the writers wanted this to land of like, oh, embarrassing for CJ. It scans like that priest is doing some work to recover. Like he realized he fucked up.

Yeah, absolutely. He's desperately trying to cover. He's gaslighting. Benny the elf is back at HQ and he's up to something. David Sharpe finds him and like hiding something in a closet. They do this really stupid bit, but he like literally swats the little man out of the way with his foot. Yeah, kicks him out of the way.

And then he confesses, he's like, dude, I thought you were fucking Christmas elves. And it took me a long time to learn this, listeners. I just want you to understand. Take the wisdom that it took me meeting 15, 20 little people to learn this. You shouldn't shove them out of the way with your foot like a kitty cat

and never accuse them of being magic. They hate that. No, and to elves, I just, I wrote down when this scene started, I said, do it. Tell the little person you think he's a magical elf. Do it. I did. And the fucking guy says, yes, we are.

But it would have been so good if he just said, you son of a bitch. Like, just ruined that relationship. He does say, gotcha. They keep pulling the rug out of this elf thing. Like, oh, they're not elves. They're elves. No, no, no, they're not.

Don't be silly. At this point in my notes, I wrote down, okay, so Jeff Altman is going to be the real Santa Claus. Like, he's going to show up. I was so sure. Yeah, I guess that they try to make us believe for a second that this is just a prank that they pull on normal-sized people that you know we fuck with them let them think we're elves you're doing a mass group elf prank multiple times I don't know you got hold on you were all in your car when you pulled up to the beach and you turned to

the rest of your fellow little people and you said see that lifeguard up there let's make him think we're Santa's elves. He did, it didn't take a lot. He thought they were Santa's elves day one. They're pros. Where we come from, it's cold. He's like, oh. You're elves, Santa's elves.

These people must be elves. They're we're Canadian, fuck you. Mitch is trying to do a surprise for his girlfriend or his wife or whatever she is. And they know about it with their elf inherent surprise abilities, I guess. So they help him set up a snow machine outside the office and it's a Chris, everyone thinks it's a Christmas miracle.

They go frolic in the sticky artificial snow. They all look like they're gonna just die of every skin disease. Like every time this snow sticks to human skin, you're like, oh no. It looks real gross. It's foamy, it's sticky. It's not like, oh no. It looks real gross. It's foamy. It's sticky. It's not.

Like, that's poison. It looks bad. It's not supposed to be on camera this long. Then the Adam Baldwin Steven Seagal comes back. He just couldn't resist the siren's call of a small patch of fake snow. And so they all say, that's the fucking guy. And they chase him on an ATV.

And now you're not gonna believe this. This is the part, if you're listening and haven't seen the episode, you're not gonna believe this. This is the part, if you're listening and haven't seen the episode, you're not gonna believe this. They take the little people, all the little people who may or may not be elves, get in the back of a truck and chase the fugitive and they are partying.

They're not gonna kill this guy. One little detail I just wanna add, I don't wanna interrupt the flow too much. Please. All of the ATVs are decorated like Christmas presents in the ATV chase. Just wanna add that in there real quick. It's a holiday crime beach chase.

And so forced. I mean, the bad guy walks up, waits to be identified and then flees on an ATV. And the little people start throwing gifts at him because that's how elves attack. Yes. And those are like the underprivileged children's gifts, remember? Yes. These are the like the underprivileged children's gifts, remember? Yes. These are the toys for the needy and these are magical Christmas elves, which means that he's not going to get arrested. He's going to get ripped into parts and used to make speaking spells for nice children. They're just, they're throwing presents at him.

He must be losing his mind. He must be glancing back and seeing this and being like, this can't be happening. This is a truck full of little people throwing presents at me. They don't even come close to hitting him, but he wipes out. They storm out of the truck while Santa Cop watches. He's not saying get the fuck away from him.

He allows these civilian little people to beat him and hold him down. They beat the shit out of him. It is not what they, they were so whimsical with their attacks. Like, oh, we're gonna throw gifts at you to make you crash. I thought they were gonna like tie him up with tinsel. No, they beat the shit out of him.

The hot one definitely has the strength of two full-sized men. Absolutely. Yeah. And look, I don't know if this invalidates his crime, but this guy's lawyer is going to mention the details of this arrest. He is going to say, the cop watched while six civilian little people

beat me and detained me. They give the priest a random toy Which is a weird but it of course is the one with ten thousand dollars in it and the grifter mom sees it and says like Let's not steal the money. We're good guys now. What if it had been a Barbie like why did you do that? Yeah Here's a Barbie weirdo. I guess he could have given it to a kid. Oh, yeah, this is just give him the one You'll never have CJ, but here's a replacement to a kid. It's weird to just give him the one. You'll never have CJ, but here's a replacement. She'll never be as beautiful as you, CJ.

But they're back at the party. They all kind of agree that they're elves. They all go through like, oh, they said they were dentists. They said they're undertakers. And then the cop's like, dude, they're fucking elves. And then Yasmine Bleefe is like, yeah, guys, they're elves. Which I think might be your only line in this episode. She doesn't show up until like five minutes are left in the episode.

Anyway, they do a thing where they're like, oh, but how will we ever know? And then they're like, wait, Benny, the lead elf, he left me this invoice thing, and that has his address on it. What? The North Pole. Yeah, but at this point, they all agree that this part's probably a prank, right? So right, like the elves have vanished vanished and you have this evidence of them.

Just want to mark that moment. Elves are gone. They vanished and left mystical, whimsical clues in their absence. I do sort of wish my sound clips were working because I took a clip of David Hasselhoff's girlfriend saying, all we need now is a Christmas carol. And she has not even finished the last syllable

of Christmas Carol before David Hasselhoff is right in her face going, silent night. And I didn't clip the whole song. I just wanted everyone to know how long it takes for David Hasselhoff to start singing if you mentioned singing to him. He was fucking on it. That's aggressive.

Yeah, just like a bear trap. They zoom out and show you like, oh, everybody here at this Christmas scene is joins arms and singing. And there are the elves still there right next to them you could ask them right the Elves are good. Yes, you fucked that up. It's a great point. They've been like that man And they're still there they fucked up every detail every storytelling technique The one bad guy was hired to retrieve some money, which is probably fair like a bounty hunter

I guess to take back your assets. He just turned out to be a child murderer for no reason. But luckily the elves kicked his head in, so everything's cool. It's a Baywatch Christmas! The podcast is great! And with Maximall in the shell! Does Frankfurt's podcast say that? Correct! Yes! The craft is not trapped, it's not without! Send it to the dog's den for an hour! Come on!

You know the number! 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt! 1-900 New York! 1-900 Frankfurt! 1-900 1-900 Frankfurt! Einstein, who knew you knew it? Einstein, who knew you knew it? Einstein, who knew you knew it? Einstein, who knew you knew it? Einstein, who knew you knew it?

Einstein, who knew you knew it? Yeah, 9000! In the future, all war is handled by elite warriors doing single battle in immense high-tech fighting decks. We call these warriors the Supremes Aaron Crosston Adrian H. Aiden Moat Alex Nolenberg is right. There's nothing in the rulebook that says your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw cock

Alpha Sciences Java Unanti Armando Nava B Bim Talzer. Brendan Garnock. Brian Salem. Burrito. Sero. Cheddar Wolf is also right. There's still nothing in the rulebook saying you can't have a Giant Chainsaw Cock. Common Sense is right too. there remains nothing in the rulebook against giant chainsaw cocks. Craig Lemoine, I guess that's right, there's, look, it takes time to print new rulebooks, let's just say no more giant chainsaw cocks from now on. Alright, Quavis was late to the meeting and missed the part about the giant chainsaw cocks,

but that's the last one. Dan B. David Schull put a small chainsaw cock on his robot. Fair enough. Dean Castillo. Delta Foxtrot. Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond comes equipped with Rocket Fist. Drayson uses Orange Laser. Dusty's Rad Title uses Green Laser. Eric Riong uses Blue Laser. Alright, is this in protest of the giant chainsaw cock ban? Fancy Shark uses Cockliff.

You're children. You're all children. Gareth. Jell-O-Ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches fights with a giant chainsaw dog. Okay, we're putting all synonyms in the rulebook now too. Greg Cunningham Haraka Hawk

Javer Al Aiden James Boyd, it says right here in the rulebook, your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw wang. Nice try. Jared Black, no, it can't be a giant chainsaw schlong. Jared Mountainman, right here, playing English band weapons. Giant chainsaw man sausage. Jared Ruiz, you cannot have a giant chainsaw hog. Oh, it's an actual hog. Sorry, let it play. Jeff Oraski. John Dean. John McCann. John Minkoff, Joseph Searles, Josh S, Joshua Graves, Justin B. Come on man, those are clearly balls.

No, it doesn't matter if there's no cock, it's the spirit of the thing. Ken Paisley, K&M Banned, Chainsaw Cock, Lane Haguewood Banned! Chainsaw cock! Lisa, frankly I expected better of you. That's a three day suspension for chainsaw cock. M. Jahi Chapelle, you know what? I'm going to allow it. It's fine if the robot wears concealing underwear. Mark Mahoney, I said concealing underwear.

It's hanging right out there. That's a ban. Matt Riley. Max Baroy. Moju, Mercenary Sissetman yes it's still banned even if it's uncut. Michael Lair, Mickey Loman, Mort you brought three rotating giant chainsaw cocks why would that be allowed? Mr. Bob Gray no then four obviously wouldn't be cool, would it? Indeed. Neil Bailey.

Neil Schaeffer. Neku104. Nick Lovino brought an old-fashioned mace. Yes! Oren Riewebel, Nick Lovino's tag team partner, brought a bolo. This is what I'm talking- Oh, I see what you guys are doing there. That's hilarious. Hilarious. That's bad. Ozzy Olin.

Patrick Herbst is allowed to bring the giant chainsaw cock because this is an exhibition match it's non-competition play guys Riannon Sarkovsky Sean Chase it's not an exhibition match because you're exhibiting something Siege it's not an exhibition match because God is always watching Spotty reception it's not an exhibition match because God is always watching. Squatty Reception, it's not an exhibition match just because you sold tickets ahead of time. Supernaut, an exhibition match is a formally classified thing. We'll tell you when it's not a normal match, okay?

Tater's Tales just got giant chainsaw cocks banned in exhibition matches too, okay? Everyone happy? Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos Timmy Leahy Toasty God Tommy G. Velo

I don't care if it's detachable, I know what a giant chainsaw cock looks like. Booster, yes, even if it's on your forehead. I know you're not a unicorn that's happy to see me. Waylon Russell. Zack and Ava, that entire robot, is one enormous chainsaw cock. I can't imagine being more banned. Harvey Penguini fights with a giant chainsaw.

Legina? I guess that's allowed. I mean, I feel like it's basically your opponent's fault if they take you up on that. I can't imagine anyone would be foolish enough to- Wow, right out the gate. Stuck his face right in there, huh? Alright, Harvey Penguini wins Alaska!