The Dogg Zzone by 1900HOTDOG - Dogg Zzone 9000 - Episode 208, Connecticut Cryptids with Drew Toothpaste and Natalie Dee

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Seanbaby & Robert Brockway, welcome back special guest, Drew Toothpaste and Natalie Dee to the DOGGZZONE! What does a small fish, some guy, and the front half of a horse costume all have in common? As if it weren't completely obvious, these are but a few of the fantastical creatures that make up Connecticut's Cryptids! Let the DOGGZZONE regale you with descriptions of some of the most fierce- What's that? Beguiling? False? Cockamamie? Do you kiss your Thunder Brother with that mouth??

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Yeah! 9000! Welcome to the Dog Zone 9000, the official podcast of 1-900-Hotdog, America's last comedy website. Come support us at patreon.com slash 1-900-Hotdog, where your pledge ensures the world's last living comedy writers can spend their final days with others of their kind in lush enclosures that mimic their native habitats, by which I mean the internet of 2012. We write new high-effort non-robot comedy about cursed media every single day, plus you get bonus episodes of this very podcast. You can support our other podcasts, Big Feets. It's more successful than this one, so it doesn't really flow that way. Follow our animated and video podcasts on the YouTube channel, the one we don't mention, it's at 1-900-HOTDOG.

Shop the prolific store we never mentioned, that's at 1-900-HOTDOG.com. Join the thriving Discord, I don't think we've ever mentioned. That's us, we're an entire lost ecosystem of joy. Come join us. I'm demented experiment of an evil utility company, Robert Brockway, and with me is the mysterious and dangerous, possibly just an old woman in a coat, Sean Baby! It's all true! Before the show, I said the words L.L. Beanfoot. I want to make it clear that I will not be making puns like that on the show today. I want to apologize to our guests. Apologize to our guests, fellow remnants of the ancient good internet turned cryptid lunatics. Weird that we all took this path.

It's Drew Toothpaste and Natalie D. Hi guys. Yeah, what's up? Hey, thanks for having us yet again. It's always fun. Yeah. Where can we find more of you guys around? We're at garbagebrainyuniversity.com,

spelled just how it sounds. And we're on blue sky now at Drew toothpaste and that Natalie D dot B sky dot social. Yeah, that's one of the many things we forget to plug. I'm probably on that. I'm on blue sky. I don't remember what my handle is. I don't know what I wrote down. Come find usin' fast and loose. All right, well, we are, like I said, we're all like, went from, from old school comedy to cryptid adjacent, at least at times, which is, which is an odd thing, but I figured we

would explore some of the, uh, the exotic and dangerous monsters living in our own backyard, specifically my own backyard, Connecticut. I have a book here called Connecticut Cryptids, and we're gonna go through it. Here's the thesis of this podcast. What if some cryptids just suck shit? I was already asking that when I heard the title of the book. I was already asking that when I heard the title of the book. I would guarantee that some of them absolutely do suck shit.

Well I think we might find them because I think if any state is going to have the most boring middle class just Volvo station ass monsters, it's Connecticut. But we're focusing on such a small area, you're really neglecting Massachusetts cryptids. Because I know Massachusetts does have a shit sucker. Totally, totally different cryptids. Different cryptid environment. Is it actually called the shit sucker? Yes, yeah, it absolutely is. That's such a Massachusetts ass thing to do.

I feel like they have questions, but they would all have really obvious answers. Right, right. That's exactly what Boston would name a cryptid. Even if it didn't suck shit, literally, they'd call it a shit sucker. Well, Vermont has the Vermont Pigman. There is a pigman somewhere in here. Maybe we'll get to him. That's ours. That's ours. He went down there. Well, there's also a Connecticut pig man.

I think they're different and this one has like a cable knit sweater. I think they're the same guy. They're probably the same guy. Or cousins at least. Unlike the Vermont one, this one just talks about liberalism and really votes Trump. That's the difference between our pigmen.

Okay, all right, all right. All right. I actually, this is a really meticulously researched book. It's great. It's literally called Connecticut Cryptids. It's written by Patrick Scalise and illustrated by Valerie Rubin Omen. Great name. My wife got it for me. I like the book a lot. It's not the book's fault that our cryptids suck ass. If you want to read a book about the suck-ass cryptids, here you go. It's put together great. So I'm just gonna read you some entries from this and you guys are I guess gonna rate them I'm not sure what scale we want to use

like I rate shit all the time every episode every episode we rate this shit I'm hot for it. Should we come up with a standard by which we measure or should we just kind of wing it? I think Bigfoot's the standard. I think one to five is good, one to 10 is good. We usually do one to 10 where one is like not at all real and 10 is like extremely real. And I would say that 10 would be aliens and one would be vampires personally.

Okay. On a personal scale. Because these are way worse be vampires, personally. Okay. On a personal scale. These are way, because these are way worse than vampires. All of these. I don't think vampires are at all. Okay. That's a good calibration. I think I would put them in about a three.

I think if I met a vampire I'd be like- You think vampires are a three? Yeah, if aliens are a 10, I think vampires are a three, sure. Cause I think I'd be close to equally astonished if I met either one of them, but also not, and be like, okay, you're a vampire, I got a plan for this. Well, I'm coming from the place where none of these are real, not necessarily because I'm a skeptic, but because it would make me very sad if they were real. Like, I don't want to have to feel bad for a cryptid, you know what I mean?

Are you saying that these guys are all real pathetic? They're pretty pathetic. They're pretty pathetic. Like if they were real, there would be like a Sarah McLaughlin commercial where she's just like, she's just asking for you. Yes, she's asking for your help because they are not handling the modern world.

Okay. So where we come from or where we grew up up there was a cryptid called the Loveland Frog Or the Loveland Frog man depending on who you ask, okay and it was just a large frog slash frog man slash man and He was crossing the road and got seen in somebody's headlights once and that's it. Right. Okay, you are right on the wavelength. We've got some of that. That's what we're looking at here. But you also have to understand

that we are originally from like Mothman country. So the bar is really high for us. Okay, how about Mothman? Cause Mothman's my favorite. Mothman whips ass, Mothman's a 10. Right. So by the standards we're using, so Natalie suggested realness.

I would suggest ferocity or danger might be a standard by which we can judge them. Maybe sex appeal. That may be a little silly, but I do think that being a very fuckable cryptid makes it a better cryptid. Like Frogman totally sucks. But like Bigfoot, very fuckable. I definitely think we should rate him on fuckability. Okay, three points scale.

And I know you have to have seen the Mothman statue in Wim Pleasant, West Virginia. He has a huge ass and it is shiny because everyone touches his ass. Everyone's gotta get that ass, yeah. That's a really sexy cryptid. They knew what they were doing. You know what you're doing when you make that ass.

And he did 9-11. Women love a bad boy. All right. So our first cryptid is the Candlewood Lake Monster. I love a classic. I love just a monster and a name. So it sounds like we're off to a good start. And the way this book goes into history and stuff first, so I'm just gonna read you kind of an abbreviated version. Among Connecticut's several ghost towns is the community known as Jerusalem in present-day New Milford. Unlike villages that were abandoned after industry dried up, the people of Jerusalem didn't leave voluntarily. Rather, they were forced out when Connecticut Light and Power, now Eversource, which is

actually my utility company, finalized its plan to create Candlewood Lake. However, something besides the drowned remains of Jerusalem and Big Base and lurks beneath the lake's surface, since at least the 1970s, stories have persisted about the so-called Candlewood Lake monster. Given that the lake is man-made, it's reasonable to ask where this creature came from. So some kind of a Frankenstein situation or like a mutant? He was in the original plans when they built the lake. They're like, I don't think we should put the monster in there.

We need to make it about 15 feet deep. 15 feet deep. We need to have banks or whatever. Maybe there's like a dam or something, I don't fucking know. But monster, absolutely monster. There's a little section, a little scribble down here that just says monster. Well, were you bored and fucking around or is that supposed to be in there? You know, tell the truth, Chuck,

cause I'm gonna put the monster in there if it's supposed to be in there. There is a little wiggle room in the budget, so they just threw him in. So is there any kind of description? Is it like a Nessie-like? Yeah, we're getting there. We're getting there.

Hold on. Oh, OK. You're jumping in. Yeah. Unlike, speaking of, unlike Loch Ness or Lake Champlain, Candlewood Lake isn't a primordial environment disturbed by human intervention. Therefore, it seems unlikely that some kind of underwater

creature was already there, hibernating underground on dry land just waiting in case the area flooded. Yeah, this makes sense. It's no placey-as-or, don't be silly. It's a man-made power plant monster. Duh. Okay, Sean's got it in one. That being the case, CL&P, the power company, becomes a credible suspect for the creation of the Candlewood Lake Monster, notorious for their rate hikes.

It's possible that the power company was up to something even more nefarious and made the Candlewood Lake Monster as a pretext for hiding an experiment that grew out of the utility's control. Now, Brockwee, this is your power company. Is there like something on your bill every month that's like, that could be a monster fee? Does it say monster fee on your bill every month. It's like that could be a monster fee that is. Does it say monster fee on your bill? Like you're joking? Yes, there could absolutely be like people.

We have the worst power company in the state. They're in the in the country. And they've done this like numerous times every time. And we're number one for like most expensive power bill. Well, at least that goes in there. And it's the the problem isn't the supply of the electricity it's all of the weird like unspecified fees that they put in so like you might only use a hundred dollars worth of electricity, but then they'll have another like Here's what it costs us to operate his company fee of like two hundred dollars. He like well, what the fuck is that?

That's monster fee. That's monster fee. That's all going into the monster Think about this think about this, think about this. In every version of Frankenstein or Frankenstein's monster to satisfy the pedants out there and every version of this monster, there's always like Tesla coils, there's lightning strikes, there's electricity. When you create a monster,

you have to get that juice in there. Yeah. And who else is gonna have that much electricity? Electricity when you create a monster you have to get that juice in there Yeah And who who else is gonna have that much electricity now when you tell me that the electric company had something to do with the Creation of this monster the first thing my mind jumps to is the idea that maybe it was originally Just like a regular old salamander or something I don't know this guy to me yet. And then he was in the water and they're polluting the water or they have electricity running through it.

And it just made this poor little salamander go crazy. Well, let's get to the physical. That's very plausible. Affectionately known as Candy, the Candlewood Lake Monster, Candy is fond of, that's awful cute. Candy is fond of- that's awful cute. Candy is fond of bumping and sometimes capsizing boats that wander into her domain, forcing the occupants to flee or risk being eaten. While Candy's exact size and dimensions are not known, she is at least large enough to threaten boats up to 26 feet long, which is the general size restriction set by Candlewood Lake.

In appearance, Candy resembles a giant walleye or bluegill with a sleek body, protruding fins, and a powerful jaw. It's a big fish. Okay, okay. A blue gill. Okay, that's surprising. I assumed like at least a couple of legs, but just a big, just a big, just a real big fish made by the power company because they like to hike rates. I'm not sure how this plan works. I don't know how this lets you hike the rates higher. Like we need a real big fit. We need like a demented fish out there.

Give me two coolers, a keystone light and a can of worms. I'm gonna go get this goddamn fish. Okay. Well, you know, it may have been, I mean, you know, people sometimes have, as much as I don't like to practice, people sometimes have guard dogs for their yard or their junk yard, right?

Yeah. It would stand to bear if the utility company is so despised that maybe they were like, yeah, people are going to come get us. Like one rate hike too many and people are going to come get us. We need a monster. We need something to protect us. We need a guardfish. And right, if you're going to sneak up to the power company, you're going to cross the lake. They'll spot you if you're coming on land. It's making sense. So that's it for Candy, the Demented Electric rate hike monster. How are we rating that one?

I think in terms of believability, I think it's possible there's a giant fish. I will give that a 4 out of 5. In terms of fuckability, I'm gonna give this guy a 1. Yeah, there's few things less fuckable than an electric fish. Two reasons, okay? Too wet. I'm not into wet. Okay. I like dry. You're like a nice dry fish.

Slimy, I'm not into... yeah, right? I like to fuck a nice dry chupacabra. The second reason is that fish don't have penises. Yeah, that's not a real fuckable monster. The second reason is that fish don't have penises. Yeah, that's not a real fuckable monster. Now see, for me, my score's a lot higher. Because fish do have many orifices. Got a powerful jaw right there in the description.

Throbbing with electricity. I live in New England. My power is really expensive here. I'm in it for the free electricity. Really. Yeah. I mean, if anybody's got the whole house. What's your rank on the fish? Rank the fish, baby. I'm going to give it a two. I feel like, uh, uh, even though it's fuckability is higher than others, I really think, uh, if it wrecks a 26 foot boat, it's got to be as big as the boat.

And I think somebody would have seen it. And you know, there's so much shit on the internet that people are always trying to fuck that somebody would have gone to the lake and gone for it. They would have by now. We have that shameful old bitch wearing it. Plus, I don't know, the name Candy, hot to trot. I'm giving it a 4. Wow, super fuckable. I do. I think it's low on the fuckability, but very plausible that a power plant would make a

guardfish. I think it's a very deadly fish because you have to enter its domain to battle it. There's no way you're learning Candy onto the shore. I'm going to give it, we're doing out of five, I'm going to give it a three. Well, you know what, you said that Candy was not going to come out of the lake, but I'll say that some of the original stories of the Loch Ness Monster, the Loch Ness Monster was on land, crossing the road in front of people who were driving around next to the lake. But he has flippers. He can kind of place his sword, flop around, right? Candy could do a little flip flop

like a magic card. Yeah, a little magic card. I gave her a four. Candy can undulate. Right, right. Like she's got some moves. That's true. Well, maybe upper, upper fuckability a little bit.

Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. I was gonna say electricity also implies some teleportation powers or maybe like she could jump into a power line. That wouldn't surprise me if I was gonna say electricity also implies some teleportation powers or maybe like she could jump into a power line. That wouldn't surprise me if I was fighting a fish and it jumped into a power line. I'd say, yeah, that makes sense. See, this is the danger with me giving you a really shitty cryptid is that you're immediately

making up a better cryptid, which is something that Connecticut natives have not managed to do over a period of hundreds of years. Get on our level Connecticut! All right our next cryptid is Perry Boney, so we got kind of a sexy name. Okay. Not all cryptids are malignant at heart, some actively seek the company of humans. This is exactly what the fey creature known as Perry Boney did for several years. Not only did Perry operate what is known

as the smallest store in the world, but he was also much admired by his neighbors for the deep relationship he cultivated with nature. On February 25th, 1928, Connecticut Light and Power began pumping water into the site that would eventually become Handlewoodland. Damn it. I didn't even plan it this way.

So no one was quite sure where Perry came from. He was simply there one day, running his tiny store like he had emerged from the fairy realm. What was more certain was that Perry wasn't like other people. Children were convinced that he spoke to the elves and fairies that lived near Greenwood Brook, and everyone knew that Perry could talk to animals, as he did whenever he went to Sherman to buy supplies for his store. Along the way, Perry would inevitably meet a tame raccoon well known to the town. OK, sure. This isn't horrible. He's like a little a little man man who goes shopping on a raccoon. There was a tame raccoon well known to the town already, unrelated to Perry Boney.

Okay. We just had like a mascot raccoon. Man, times sure have changed. Can I get a description of Perry Boney here? Is he little, little? He is mostly just human. Mostly, he's just a human. Here's the closest you get to physical description. If Perry himself was unusual in any way,

his smallest store was the strangest still. So his store was the weird part. The shop was only large enough to admit two children or one adult at a time, and was adorned everywhere with musical bells. There were also goods that he sold. one adult at a time and was adorned everywhere with musical bells. Oh. There were also goods that he sold. He carried possibly candy as well as two kinds of snuff for the Swedes.

Oh, okay. When you said, oh, our cryptids are really shitty. I thought you meant like, you know, they lacked, you know, they lacked a little panache or whatever, but this is a guy that has a store and they're calling him a cryptid because his store isn't big enough. This is what capitalism is.

It's the naked capitalism that Connecticut is known for. You're a fucking cryptid with how bad this store is. What is that, a tame raccoon? I like the idea of a guy from Virginia saying, I was just attacked by seven Bigfoots last week. And this guy said, oh, I know cryptids too. I met a fellow earlier. That's a weird story.

He met a raccoon once. So the raccoon was the cryptid? No, no, no. The normal man who met the raccoons. The friendship was the cryptid. Our stories are equal. Your Bigfoot controls lightning you say? Well this one has two kinds of snuff for the Swedes.

And I hope you have a sweet tooth, because my cryptid has several candies. Maybe. Maybe. There was not a hard commitment in the text. Possibly candy. One day another Basin resident named Chuck Munson passed by the smallest store and was greeted only with silence. That night Munson told his family that Perry had gone and that the smallest store had been abandoned. However, Munson also coveted something that Perry had left behind, a painting titled Custer's Last Fight that hung prominently in the shop and was much

admired by all who visited. In the days after Perry's mysterious disappearance, Munson took the painting and sold it to a New Yorker. When pressed about having appropriated the artwork, Munson justified his actions by saying that Perry would no longer have any use for it because Munson allegedly found Perry's body when Munson returned to the shop to take the painting. It's okay, I looted the dead. I think he killed Perry Pony for that painting. Yeah, right. I think he killed Barry Boney for that painting. Yeah. Yeah, right.

I think this is a... That's a little too straightforward to call that a mystery, I think. Yeah, if he shows up and he's like, hey, that guy's just totally gone. And they're like, well, why do you have that painting? Like, oh, well, I found him dead, actually, is what happened.

This guy wants to buy it for a lot of money though, so it's cool. This is just a murdered whimsical man. This is what we have here. That's our cryptid. Okay, okay, okay. A very whimsical little man has been murdered for his painting.

It's not his ghost. Not very deadly, but super fuckable. This is a five out of five for fuckability. Perry Boaty sounds like he could get it. And listen, he's got his own place. Right, it's small. That's gotta put you up at the top of the scale. I would say, okay, he convenes with nature.

He is able to communicate with raccoons. That's true. He has really questionable business plans. He has candy. I think I fucked him already. Yeah, me too. Like this is, I'm from Portland, man. This is like a Portland eight, easy.

Right. Perry Boney was like drowning in trim. That's what happened to him. Yup. He fucked himself to death in his tiny store. Chuck Monson fucked him to death and took his painting. Right. Happens to the best of us.

I'm gonna rate him real low on savageness though. I mean, maybe he had some sweet burns. I don't know. I don't know the guy. He could summon raccoons. It was already there. Why? Has he ever done anything like paranormal at all? Or is he just like a guy with a bad store?

Okay, well I talk to animals. Yeah, I talk to my dog literally all day I just thought I just told my dog. I had to go do a podcast I'm whimsical as fuck. I get nobody murder me from my paintings I would give him five on the fuckability scale one on the cryptid scale because I I'm not sold on his cryptosity because I'm not sold on his cryptosity. Is that a word? It is now. Yeah, and it's, you know, a lot of the cryptids, it's, there's a lot of their value is bound to their mystery.

And really, if he was always there until somebody killed him, it's like, there's not much mystery there, I don't think. Even his death is not too mysterious. Yeah, Chuck Monson killed him for the painting. Chuck killed him for the painting. Chuck killed him for the painting. It's not even a murder mystery. It's a classic painting murder mystery. Yeah, I'm gonna give this guy zero.

I'm gonna disqualify him from being a cryptid. He's just a guy. We know his name. I think that's one of the qualifications that you can't know their first and last given name. You can't look him up in the phone book. Like if his name was Jonathan Bigfoot, I would think that would no longer be a cryptid. He can't file taxes if you're a cryptid.

All right, let's move on to the Winstead Wildman. He sounds fuckable already. Yeah, I'm with you there. The legend of the Winstead Wildman is one of Connecticut's most famous cryptids. The creature was once seen pulling up trees, killing sheep and trapping a woman on the roof of her home. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Some speculated that the wild man was actually an escaped gorilla, while others suggested that it was a fleeing convict or institutional patient.

Somewhere in that scale. Somewhere in there. That's either a gorilla or a guy I know. Somewhere in there. That's either a gorilla or a guy I know. You gotta commit. It's real, there's a real big difference to how I approach those problems. The Evening Times of Washington DC reported on November 7th, 1898 that the wild man had been spotted in Winstead. This time there was speculation that the sightings were a dastardly ruse to keep frightened people away from the polls on election day.

frightened people away from the polls on election day. Oh man. So they've been doing that for a while then, yeah. At least back in the day they would add a gorilla to it. I feel like our parents got higher effort voting conspiracies. Yeah, right? There's a Winston Wilde, don't go to the polls everybody. There's a Winston Wilde man. He's a gorilla or maybe a guy! I don't know.

He's bad news. He might be a poll worker. It's a Scooby-Doo-esque ruse to... Only instead of real estate, it's an election. That's, I don't know, that's pretty good so far. In 1929, Frank Wentworth published a book titled The Winston Wildman and Other Tales, chronicling the original story of the wild man and how sightings and stories still impacted the town more than 30 years later.

One anecdote suggested that an uncouth woman wearing a man's coat and smoking a pipe was one of the freaks for which the area had become known. So they knew the town. You got to see this town, there's a lady there, where's a guy's coat? Ant smokes a pipe. Oh shit! We'll get the whole gang together and go take a look. That's one of the cryptids that this town is known for, is a woman in a man's coat who smokes.

Alright. These are so much shitty, when you said shitty, I was expecting things like Drew's frogman, like oh just a shitty little frog man that someone saw once. No, these are just eccentric people. Well, hold on. Most agree that the wild man is somewhere between six and eight feet tall and weighs up to 300 pounds.

So we got a shack. Okay, we got one shack. We got one shack. It walks upright on two legs, is covered in hair, is brawny and muscular. And many people say that it is covered in hair, is brawny and muscular, and many people say that it wears It's covered in thick dark hair and wears blue overalls and rags tied around its neck. This is the hip-billy gym.

This is very deadly. He's got a vibe. I like his vibe. I'm gonna put him high on the fuckability scale for like the 100% Like the scruffy dude with the bandana around his neck. Overalls. The overalls, yeah, the overalls with no shirt is definitely a vibe.

I feel confident we're not gonna top this on fuckability. This is what you're looking for. This sounds like some like elephant six motherfucker, right? Like a hot hipster guy. Like Mount- Yeah, again, I'm from Portland. This is a Portland nine This is getting up there

That's the wild man he's he doesn't he doesn't want you to vote he's the size of a shack He's real hot and he's out of control. He'll put you right on your roof not relationship material But one night stand for sure yeah, I would say I would say fuck ability is a five on that one Probably also is it making me sound really slutty yes material but One Night Stand for sure. Yeah, I would say, I would say fuckability is a five on that one probably also. Is it making me sound really slutty? Yeah, slutty for credits. I will fuck any fucking thing that's dry. We'll just assume it's a five every time from you. Have we landed on whether he's a gorilla or a man?

Do we have any more details that could help us narrow down? Because if he's a gorilla, I feel like that's less believable than just a big guy. No, we have no more details that could help us narrow down? Cause if he's a gorilla, I feel like that's less believable than just a big guy. No, we have no more details. It's either a gorilla or an escaped convict. He's really hairy and wears just overalls and a bandana, which is- I feel like in the twenties, they would put a gorilla in like federal prison.

I'm gonna, I want to say he's both. In my headcanon, I think he's an escaped gorilla, but not from the zoo, from prison. See, when I was a kid, now this is, you know, we grew up, now we are, you know, high-proof New Englanders now officially, but we grew up in the Midwest and around where I grew up actually very close to the Loveland Frog was a bike trail I used to ride on. And my dad used to take me riding on this bike trail and you would immediately say wow very wholesome so we would ride six miles down this bike trail and then my dad would go to a bar and I would stand

outside of the bar and they had a chimp locked in a jail in there and if you lit a cigarette and gave it to the chimp he would smoke it while you watched. Wow. That's where I hung out when I was a kid. Wow. There are so many crimes happening in that story. No, you can look it up. His name was Sam. Sam the cigarette smoking chimp. And he got addicted to cigarettes.

What did Sam die of? They actually, in the 90s, they broke him out of his bar prison and they put him in like this nice little sanctuary. So he actually like had a decent life and honestly, hanging out at a bar blasting cigs for a few years like it's not bad, especially when you're young.

I mean, did they buy him shots at least? Could you buy him a shot? Oh, yeah, you would you could give him beers, you could give him sodas. And, and he loved it. So I mean, apart from the being in jail part. Sure. Apart from being in a prison you can drink at. Aside from violating nature's laws, it was a fun delight.

Right, I'm not saying it's good, it's just, when you live in Cincinnati, there's a lot of moral relativism happening. So anyway, for the wild man, for how realistic it is, this is a five out of five for me. I mean, he could have been outside of any bar. Right. Yep.

Or he could have just been like a wild dude, could have just been out to party. How fuckable would you say he is? Oh, five out of five. I mean, a huge- Fives across the board, for sure. I'd have just been out to party. How fuckable would you say he is? Oh, five out of five. I mean, fives across the board for sure. A huge hairy guy wandering around like in overalls with no shirt, come on.

Just causing trouble. I mean- Very sexual. If he's a ape, I would give him a four. But if it's a dude, I would give him a five. That ape gets the four. I have a little bit of standards. Have you considered if he was an ape, he would be able to piss like a fire hose?

Well, so could some guys. There's a fair point. That doesn't impress me. We all agree. Wildman's in a strong lead, I feel like. Yeah, for sure. I don't know, I kind of like E Harry Boney better, but yeah, go on. I'm gonna knock him right out with the Goat Man of the Opera House.

No. Okay, because when you just say Goat Man, I was like, that's the guy from the picture. I remember him. No, no, no, of the Opera House. A paranormal investigation occurred at the abandoned Ansonia Opera House in April 2021. Also, this is a recent one. I could go find this guy. Videos and photos shot by the research team revealed orbs, apparitions, and moving shadows, all telltale signs of ghostly activity, but then investigators caught sight of something they did not expect, the silhouette of a goat-like humanoid creature.

This Goatman sighting isn't unusual for the fact that it did occur, I think it's a little, but rather for where it occurred. That's because Goatmen are not native to Connecticut. I was gonna say, you don't normally see the Goatman inside an opera house. Nope, Connecticut. Apparently, they're very opera house, totally normal. It's weird that they're in Connecticut. Are the effects of climate change driving populations

of Goatmen into the Northeast? Yes. Firm yes on that one. It's either the climate change or it's like the kind of states rights stuff they're doing. Maybe the Goatman came because they shut off the porno. They shut off the porno in like half the states and he's like, fuck this, I'm going to Connecticut.

Maybe his girlfriend needed an abortion. Yeah, that's probably why. That's probably why. We solved it. All right. It is your duty to kill the Goat Man whenever you find them in opera houses, as is common, I have to assume. It's so weird that they specified, like, oh, it's weird to see a goatman here in Connecticut.

Moving on, I have nothing to say about the opera house. A man named Jeffrey Jerry has a different theory about what was spotted there. Jeffrey Jerry is a cryptid ass name. Jerry is the founder and lead investigator of the Connecticut Paranormal and Supernatural Tracking Society, and the individual who took the photo of the goat creature in Ansonia. He believes that the picture depicts a satyr. If there is indeed a satyr living in Ansonia, then an old opera house would certainly be the appropriate residence for such a creature.

Then Jeffrey Jerry said, Oh no, the moonlight is touching me and fled before his bones re-knit into the form of goat. I really am, I'm struggling with the opera house being the most possible place to see the goat man. I would think an enchanted wood, a dark cave, a clearing at midnight under a full moon, definitely have got to be ahead of Opera House. Well, you gotta remember this is a Connecticut cryptid, so it's pretentious.

So I forgot this part. Did you say it was an abandoned Opera House or it's an operating Opera House? It didn't specify, but because they were doing a, like an investigation there, I assume abandoned, but I guess it doesn't have to be. They could have just given them, it could have just be an old opera house. Let me look it up. Was it born of goat and man? I guess is my question.

No, it's an immigrant is what its origin is. Did someone fuck a goat? Okay, just came from a country with goat men. They have a theory that it might be a satyr. It's definitely, what's important is that it's not from here and it needs to go back where it came from well It may be what if it's from New Jersey because this sounds like Jersey devil type stuff to me Oh, it's it and that was a pretty fuckable one if I remember it

That's true, New Jersey isn't terribly far from Connecticut really not for a goat So it was not in use, but it was not necessarily abandoned it looks like it's being yeah, it's being like restored So it disused opera house dis a disused temporarily a temporarily embarrassed opera house Right slumming it in a really pretentious scripted and what is an opera house when nobody's singing in in any way? Goatman hole is what they call that. I'm gonna put this guy a little lower on the fuckability because I find goat men a little repulsive. Their legs look like they're on backwards.

Ferocity, I think you could take this guy hand to hand. You don't even need a weapon to kill goat man. Plus, I feel like you'd want to kill goat man. Whereas I feel like Perry Boney, like, was naturally lovable. Like it wouldn't even come up. The deadly combat wouldn't even come up with Perry Boney because you're talking art and raccoons and buying candy. I'm going to give this guy two.

I would have assumed that the Goatman now, my experience with goats are definitely mixed. I know some folks here in town that have little like sort of dwarf pygmy goats and they're like real cute and they're they're still pretty solid but a man-sized goat we might be talking because those suckers are huge and solid and like the size of a of a barrel you know so a goat man might be more like a minotaur. So for me, the ferocity I think would be up there. I don't think I would go hand to hoof. Really?

With the goat man, I might, yeah, I'd probably back down, honestly. And I'm not, uh, it's just for me, it's a sun to zoo thing, you know, where, uh, the ancient book of, you know, the art of war, he says stuff like if your enemy is stronger don't fight them He said he was so why valuable wisdom so smart Yeah I would go by his wisdom and if I pulled up on the goat man And he's just looking a little too solid and tight. I might be like it's your opera house. Go for it, man Right. I think I would give him two across the board

Right. I think I would give him twos across the board. Two on believability, because like, no one ever saw him until these guys went out looking for weird shit, which to me is always a flag. Two on fuckability, because like, goats smell really bad. Plus, you don't know what parts are goat. Right. Right. But it all smells like goat. And also, if he's hanging out in an opera house, he's probably into like musicals and stuff. That's not for me. Yeah. This is a bit of a 90s observation. But if it's like a dude at an opera house, like he might not be super into the ladies. You can cut that, Jamie. People don't need to know. I still think like that. I'm going to break before him here.

I'm the goat man of the opera house fairly high He does lose points for being into the opera I find that just a little unbelievably pretentious like in the modern day. Are you really just a dude that's into the opera? I don't know. I don't quite buy it I don't know that I'd want to fight him because I actually have fought some goats and it sucks. They're like really okay Yeah, they're jerks. I raised goats too. They they do headbutt they headbutt it hurts like crazy. They're like really okay yeah they're jerks. I raised goats too they do headbutt. They headbutt it hurts like crazy they're really aggressive they're like wildly aggressive like I don't want to fuck with it I don't want to fuck with the goat man but I do

kind of want to fuck with the goat man because every time I've seen like Pan and Sader drawings he has a huge cock like huge huge cock. So I'm giving him like a four out of five in savageness. I'm gonna give him fours across the board. Well, now I'm gonna give him a two in believability because I don't believe that he's in Connecticut. It's such a weird place for him to be. But what if being in such an unlikely place is like part of his cover?

Undercover goat man of the opera house. Right, like, no, but if you're a magical secret goat man, you're like, where's the last place somebody's gonna look for me? Fucking opera, right? Put on half of my tux? All right, let's move on to the Higginum Mucket. Great name. That is a great name. You're getting points for the name already. Most of what we know about the Higginum Mucket comes from the exhaustive work of famed

cryptozoologist Arthur Wicknick Jr. Great names across the board. Artie Wicknick, who has been studying the Mucket since the 1980s. One theory is that the Mucket is of extraterrestrial origin and that the creatures were seeded in Connecticut as pets or food for future alien visitors. This guy's been working on this theory since the 80s, you say, and he's come up with, this man was left here for food for future generations of alien visitors. It's an interesting theory.

They dropped a bunch of protein bars down here just in case they wanted to come back. Why Candlewood Hillbrook was chosen is unclear, but Wicknick explains that the muckets stay in Candlewood Hillbrook because the is unclear, but Wicknick explains that the muckets stay in Candlewood Hillbrook because the aliens left behind a galactic sphere that releases cosmic elements into the water to make the fish think they are on their home planet. Wow. And again, he's been working on this since the 80s. Okay, I don't know, I sense that work. It's like sometimes when you work on

something for too long, it grows well out of like your control. Yeah, this has a lot of depth to it, I guess. You need somebody to come in and be like, hey, listen, we really gotta pare this down. You just said some shit about a cosmic sphere feeding the fish. Is he a fish guy? What is he? Adult muckets can grow to 18 inches in length, though young specimen known as calves are slightly smaller.

A typical mucket has a catfish-like body with sharp scales and a forked tail. Its head, though, is more like that of a lizard with broad lips and razor teeth that are constantly sharpened by its rough tongue. Okay, I don't know about that part. Okay. Losing points in the fuckability- wait, no! I just thought about it! Rough tongue, you say?

Male muckets are known as bulls and sport two curved horns about an inch in length at the top of their lumpy skulls. Some bulls grow a third horn. Alright, here we go. Here we go, third horn, right? Oh, on their lower jaw. Okay, I thought that was going somewhere else. Which was a highly prized commodity prior to the launch of the Mucket Recovery Program.

Okay. There is an incredible amount of world building going into this. I really appreciate this. Usually it's just, I saw a weird guy, but there's a whole world of Mucket. And there's a little bit more here. Muckets will bite humans if threatened. A Mucket's bite is venomous, though suggestions that the creature's saliva can lead to baldness might be too fantastical to believe. That's where you draw the line.

This fantastical creature bit me, a 45 year old man, and now I don't have hair in parts of my head. My doctor said it was not a space fish, but the jury's still out. It's a space fish that gives you baldness. Left here by the aliens, because it's popcorn to aliens, as we know. Okay, I'm gonna put these guys low on fuckability. See, they're 18 inches long, so if they're only half the size of a human penis, I mean, that's not really that viable.

I like the rough tongue. I was with you with the third horn, but then you're like, no, lower jaw. That's just like, that's inconvenient positioning. That's going to go places. That's going to go in and never come out. Yeah. Zero unfuckability. Sounds kind of savage, like a three. I don't know, like a little piranha or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Zero unbelieve know, like a little piranha or something. Oh yeah, yeah, fuck. Zero unbelievably with the baldness in the cosmic sphere. Just pare it back, pare it back, Artie Wicknick. You're just going too nuts. You almost had me with the luscious lips. Yeah. And I was like, okay, okay, it's going somewhere and then razor sharp teeth, cosmic delirium for them

to make them think they're not even on Earth. And then you know, the tongue and the teeth and the horns. What are you even going to talk about? They're like, Hey, welcome to my planet. You're like, this is actually just a lake on Earth with a weird sphere that makes you think it's space. What? That's crazy. I'm gonna make you bald. You're like, you can't do that. I know you can't do that. Here's the question.

Like, if these guys have like a sphere that convinces them that they are fish on another planet, that to me implies that all the fish here know that they're on Earth. Yeah, they know they're Earth fish. I don't know about that. That's a good point. Real xenophobic. Right. Anyway, I would not fuck this guy.

He's wet again. I'm not fucking anything that's not wet. And the teeth are not it for me. The luscious lips, it sounds nice, but they're with the teeth. I'm not here for it. And I don't think they're that scary. I don't think they're that believable. So I'd probably give him a 2 in the other ones. Not a real high-scoring one across the board. I feel like you could just prove this one. Like, if there's a lake full of them, enough to feed a significant number of aliens, I feel like you could just scoop a couple out of the water

or catch a couple with a... This guy has so much information, he has to have caught them and done scientific experiments on them for all the information he has. He's had 40 years. He's been working on this for 40 years. Catch one fish, buddy.

The question that the setup is begging is why can't the aliens eat like catfish or like bluegill or You know carp McDonald's like even even our CEO killers like McDonald's like it's a universal food. Yeah, maybe this is like their McDonald's This is like like a a Higgins a muck it is like their Big Mac Maybe a fish just tastes better when it thinks it's in space.

Have we tested this? We need to try this fear. I'm gonna start telling my fish they're not on Earth and just to try it. You are no longer Earth Fish Glub, they say. Give him a little lick. All right, let's move on to Buddy the Beefalo. Okay. Buddy the Beefalo. Okay. Buddy the Beefalo.

The tale begins! I like that it begins so haughtily for a buddy, Buddy the Beefalo. The tale begins on August 3rd, 2020, when a delivery of livestock arrived at a meat processing plant in the Terryville section of Plymouth. Rather than go silently to his fate, one animal made a play for freedom, a one-ton beefalo, which is a genetic cross between bison and domestic cattle. As the animal transport backed into the loading dock, Buddy pushed his way past the rest of the herd and bolted into the woods.

This is amazing. It's just like a liberated like beefalo. I'm flipping through. Yeah, there's nothing supernatural. This is just a- That's fucking rules. This is just an actual cow. So it's just a specific one. It's a missing cow.

It's a missing cow. Five out of five. This is our cryptid. Oh, is there any- You have discovered the most believable cryptid. Absolutely. This is out of all the ones I've ever heard of. I definitely believe in them.

Yeah, he was getting a five out of five for believability. Someone made an insurance claim on this cryptid. Okay. He is like the flip side of Perry Boney. Like Perry Boney is like absolutely believable and fuckable. This guy is absolutely believable, but unfuckable. Completely unfuckable. I would not fuck this one.

You would be admitting that you wanna fuck an actual animal and that's just too far. Right. You know, I don't think that I have what it takes to fuck a beefalo, right? No. I accept my limitations. Plus it's just too real.

Like you could theoretically go meet this beefalo and then you'd be like, I... I see cows all the time around my neighborhood and I never wanna fuck them. Yeah, never wanna fuck them. Yeah, I never wanna fuck them. It's really awkward if you get drunk and talk about how you wanna fuck somebody and then they hear about it and you're like,

oh right. You're like, I was just talking. I was just on a podcast talking about fucking creatures and fish. I assumed you were like, it said you were encrypted. I didn't think you were just like a missing cow. I didn't think I was gonna stumble across you. Right. This is incredible. The closest thing to supernatural I can find I didn't think you were just like a missing cow. I didn't think I was gonna like stumble across you.

This is incredible. The closest thing to Supernatural I can find is at the very end, the sheriff who was trying to catch him. It says during his battle of wits with the beefalo, battle of wits. He is a cop. During his battle of wits with the beefalo, Captain Benecchi made note of Buddy's intelligence as well as clues to his emotional state. It's possible that beefalo breeding may produce rare hyper-intelligence specimens

of which Buddy might be one. Hold on. It's a very smart cow and the evidence we're presenting is that he's smarter than a local sheriff. Right. Yeah. No, he's a regular cow. So he's a regular.... So he's a regular, he's a regular missing cow. God damn, that's a bad crypt.

Is it the worst one though? There's one that might match it. I don't know if it's gonna beat that. I like that they didn't really like, give him too unbelievable a story. It's not like he was like born with the intelligence of man and he like leapt over a fence, you know, it's not the story of some great like Underground Railroad. It's

it's just a missing cow. If the tale had started like Buddy the Beefalo was discovered in a field like obsessively watching TikTok, like he has the intelligence of a human. He's got a cell phone plan. Look at him. He's scrolling like a human. Oh buddy, I love you. You're a terrible fucking cryptid.

Low on the scale. I can't believe some states are like, oh we've got a Mothman, we've got a Sonic Bigfoot that runs faster than sound. We've got a cow. We've got seven lost cats. We've got a cow. We've got seven last cats. Oh, you got a cow? We got a murdered fancy guy. Let's try the Fairhaven Sea Dragons.

That sounds like it fucking kicks ass. Located on a point of land between the Mill and Quinnipiac rivers, Fairhaven has been a favorite spot for catching fish and oysters since the colonial times. However, Fairhaven wasn't always known by its present name. In fact, it was once called Dragon Point. All right.

All right. When it was founded in the late 17th century. Why? Because of the sea dragons that lived in the harbor and on the riverbanks. I feel like that sentence should end with dipshit. Like... Fucking idiot. Why do you think we...

I'll do that. Why? Because of the sea dragons that lived in the harbor and on the riverbanks. Of course we know today that sea dragons in questions are actually harbor seals. Alright, moving on. That was it. Okay. We got harbor seals.

That's one of our cryptids. They laid out the case for the cryptid and then they said, but it is just seals. Yeah. But it is just seals. Why didn't they call it like seal point? Seed! That's the sea dragon point. they said, but it is just seals. But it is just seals. Why didn't they call it like seal point? Seed, it's a seed dragon point.

Why do you call it that? Because of all the seals. We had gone to Vancouver at some point and we were sitting on the beach in Vancouver and I can see this dog like out in the middle of the ocean. I started like losing my mind. I was like, the dog is gonna die. Why is the dog in the middle of the ocean. And I started like losing my mind. I was like, the dog is gonna die. Why is the dog in the middle of the ocean?

And just look like a lab or something like out like way, way far. And there was no boats out there with it. There were no people. I was like, this dog is gonna die. And I was like losing my mind. And then I was like, oh, no, that's a dog. No.

No. I was not used to them. Swim out to rescue the seal. Seal's just like, fucking what? What are you doing? Go back. I could see if you came from inland and you weren't really familiar with the whole ocean vibe

and you saw a seal, you might lose your mind. You might say, there be dragons. That's a dragon Drowning dog Bay. Yeah, these are the masturbation woods. I don't know why they call them that Why don't any of these cryptids come from there based on how we're ranking them that That's true. Actual seals, I'm gonna rate seals really low. Yeah, really, really low. Like across the board. Low, yeah.

I'm not really scared of them. Maybe not a full disqualification because like it's, Natalie has a point that it's kind of weird to see a seal. Like when you're like really thinking about it, you're like, it's kind of weird. I love how far we're moving the bar. We've moved the bar so far that like an actual seal is like.

Yeah, it's just, yeah, it's kind of. I don't know, that's a two. Crazy. It's weird to see a seal. If I saw a seal, I'd say that's more notable than the unusual shopkeeper I met earlier. If I was recounting my day, I'd say, I had a great day, I saw a seal. Oh yeah, and an unusual shopkeeper. That's the order I would list them in. What if he had two kinds of snuff for the Swedes though?

That's okay wild I didn't even know they made that many snuff we're getting wild in here two types of snuff you say oh I don't know I think that the Valero in our neighborhood has like eight or nine kinds of snuff last time I looked cryptid there's a crit that's the home of a cryptid I'm putting a seal even lower surely he has a painting has a painting somewhere. So I'm gonna give the seal a one, and I'm gonna give it a zero on fuckability. Again, wet. Very wet.

I would never fuck a wet thing. Five on believability. I do believe seals. I've seen them. Yeah, that's true. I haven't fought a seal, so I guess four on believability. Until I fight it, it's not fully real.

I would give them pretty high on ferocity just cause, you know, if you were in the water, the seal would destroy you and on land, you know, they're like a big hunk of muscle and blubber. I don't think you'd get anywhere if you tried to fight him and I think he'd really rip you up. You'd have to have like a stabbing weapon. If you were just trying to wrestle him like you you're just, you're gonna get so tired before you have any prayer of killing that seal.

I have like a universal technique for fighting animals and that is to grab their back legs and wheelbarrow them. But I can't do that to a seal. Yeah, I don't think that would work. You've convinced me, five out of five out of savageness, I am helpless against that seal. If you could circle around to the back of them and get like a giant swing going,

grab him by his little tail or his flippers, whatever they got back there, and then start spinning, get him off the ground completely, I think that's how you beat him. I think I would run over it with a go-kart. Yup, better do it. I think I'd just be friends with it.

Does that count? Does that count as winning the fight if we're just friends? I think I'd just be friends with it. Does that count? Like does that count as winning the fight if we're just friends? Well, if you mean like becoming friends with him and learning about him so you can betray him more effectively. Yeah, you can battle him like emotionally and destroy his spirit.

No, not really. I don't. I wish I could. I can't really betray. It's too close to a dog. Well, I don't wanna bring the. I wish I could. I can't really betray. It's too close to a dog. Well, I don't want to bring the mood down, but I have fucked a seal many times. It's a four out of five.

All right, let's move on that. No, we're not going to beat that. So let's move on to, let's make this our final one. The horse creature. Oh, it's just a horse. Yeah, it's just some rancher's horse. Well, hold on.

It's probably a dressage horse. It could be, it could be a mad horse's ghost. Let's give him a shot. Let's hear more about the horse. Jim Wheeler was just about to enter his teens in the mid 1990s when he crossed paths with an uncanny creature that he said will be burned into his memory until the day he dies. Okay, is that just- that's not just a horse.

Yeah, has to be more than a horse. Jim hadn't gone far when he realized he wasn't alone, rearing up among the trees its coat the color of snow was a creature that partly resembled a horse. As Jim watched, the beast bucked wildly up and down, almost in a running motion. However, the creature never managed to move any closer, nor did it make any noise. Even stranger was the fact that the creature didn't seem to have the long body of a horse. Jim instead described it as looking at the front of a horse, head on. Then he noticed he was at the drive-in theater, and it was a film called Never Ending Story.

Uh, flipping ahead? No, that's it. Uh, he looked at the drive-in theater. It was a film called never-ending story Flipping ahead. No, that's it. He looked at a horse from the front. Holy shit A horse face. I'm gonna say I'm gonna admit I grew up in the city I didn't grow up around horses and the first time I saw a horse up close. I was like Motherfucker that thing is gigantic I thought horses were like my height. And I'm looking up this son of a bitch is like 10 feet tall. And I was like, I do not like this. No wonder one of these destroyed Superman, like I would never get on these in a million years. I'm not even going to get close to

them. Yeah. They're too they're too dangerous. And as far as as far as just seeing a horse from head on, there is a cryptid in Fresno, California, other side of the country, but he's white. He's kind of ghostly and transparent. But it's a guy that's just two legs. He's called the Fresno Nightcrawler. He just looks like pants. He looks like a pair of glowing white pants. And I have to wonder if the horse isn't related. This is the top half of those pants, you think? Maybe, maybe. Yeah. Like a reverse centaur. I'm really trying to look through this while you guys are talking, finding anything that's not Jim saw a horse from the front.

I think I think we're onto something. The classic horse costume is two people inside the horse. This ghostly horse may have been may have been split front to back and separated to two different coasts of the continent to keep him from reuniting and realizing his full power. We cannot allow the prophecy to be foretold. It's possible he just saw a guy looking for the back half of his costume.

Yeah, that's what it is. Have you seen my body? Monster! This is a really embarrassing book. Like, I can't believe they didn't finish this book and say like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? This is a really embarrassing book. I can't believe they didn't finish this book and say, what the fuck am I doing with my life? I thought we'd go out on that one, but that's just the tea.

You saw him. Yeah, he just saw a horse. You saw a horse from the front. All right. Okay, this one is the Talcott Mountain Robot. Oh, okay. Right, that sounds better. Shortly before midnight on September 3rd, 1967, motorists passing over Talcott Mountain on Route 44 in Avon spotted a bipedal creature in all silver waving to cars from the side of the road.

Police received the first call about the robot or spaceman at 1130 PM, followed by two more calls in the early hours of September 4th. Officers went to investigate, but a search of the area turned up no trace of the creature. After that, the Talcott Mountain Robot was never seen again. Whatever its true nature, it was content to leave kinetic-u-tions, I don't think that's what you call us, with more questions than answers. Sightings of the Talcott Mountain Robot were surprisingly similar in their characterization of the creature. Reports said that the being was completely covered in what looked like a silver suit, including its hands and feet. It also appeared to have a reflective metallic hood

or helmet over its head that obscured its face. Given that this was the dead of night and that the creature was only seen by the light of car headlamps, it's difficult to say whether the being was wearing a suit or if this was its natural skin or scales. Though the creature's intentions were unclear, motorists assumed that it was waving to or trying to flag down passing vehicles and no one stopped that we know of. It's a little telling that the person who wrote this book didn't consider that you can wear a robot costume, that a man could just put silver on and create exactly this effect, whether for a prank or just he was on his way to a Halloween party or he was

doing a robot act for loose change. It sounds like an astronaut costume to me, which is... Yeah. It could just be an astronaut. It could have been an astronaut like, I landed here, can you take me back to base? And everybody was like, fuck no, I live in Connecticut, this counts as a cryptid. This is as close as we're coming. My buddies saw half of a horse, I'm counting this. This is encrypted to me.

Maybe people in Connecticut, maybe one person heard of what a cryptid was and they didn't really understand. And then they came back and told all the rest of the people in Connecticut about it and they're like, oh yeah, and they didn't really understand. And then they came back and told all the rest of the people in Connecticut about it, and they're like, oh yeah, I definitely saw a horse once. Yeah, I've seen cryptids too.

Oh, my neighbor? He's a little weird. Can you imagine how awesome a movie would be about Connecticut cryptids? Like a Connecticut Creature Commando cryptids, where it's just like a horse and a little guy with a shop, a robot street performer,

and then like a lake of very confused fish. The crimes they could solve. I mean, the giant electric fish probably leads them, right? Like he's their professor X. He's the only one with any kind of abilities. Although they never said it was electric. They said it was a giant fish made by the electric company to, I guess, increase profits. I am paying for that fucking fish.

I think matching them up to the X-Men is good. Like the shopkeeper could be the one of the X-Men that's dead. X-Men is too powerful. I was thinking more like the A-Team or even lower than the A-... Like a MacGyver level like 80s action show where... Or like the get along gang. Yeah. like 80s action show where- Or like the Get Along Gang. Yeah, the Get Along Gang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They could, yeah, Connecticut cryptids could maybe hold their own against the Get Along Gang. I mean, that is perfect because like one is a sheep, one is a cow, none of them are particularly ferocious. There's some seals. A missing cow, some seals. We got a lost guy in an astronaut costume. He could have just been like his car broke down on its way from a costume party.

We did not give him a ride is the important part. I will say the robot guy immediately made me think of what is probably my favorite cryptid, which is the sand down clown. Oh shit, okay. Tell me about that one. Now this guy is not very popular I have not seen very many people talk about him, but he is a cryptid that has only really shown himself to children Oh, okay. It is like kids

Yeah, kids are like out playing in the woods and stuff and they come across this clown guy who has this big round head that is like guy who has this big round head that is like totally flat and his features are just painted on the head and he has like a cone hat and he has like stereotypical clown clothes. Like a lollipop man? Yeah, yeah, kind of. He kind of reminds me like of when I think about it like the Jack in the Box guy maybe. And then he has wooden arms and hands that only have three fingers on them. And so he has these weird flipper arms and then he wears these weird gloves.

And he is the weirdest person. He's the weirdest cryptid I've ever fucking read about. And the kids say that he was eating berries, but he would eat the berries by like sticking one in his ear and then it would pop out his eye and roll down his face and he would kind of get it into his weird mouth. It was extremely weird. And he also seemed like he could not speak proper English and he called himself All Colors Sam.

See, that's how you make a cryptid Connecticut. Yeah. You don't just find a loose cow. You have a fucking nightmare clown shoving berries through his skull. Right. At least put the loose cow in clown makeup or something. Something, right.

Missing Juggalo Beefalo. The Sand Down Clown though, if you guys ever get a chance to read about him, it was probably one of my favorite episodes of our podcast that we did. It was so fucking funny. And you just shamed everything Connecticut has to offer in mere minutes.

Get on the Sand down clown global Connecticut, that's all I'm saying. You know what? I'm gonna fuck this robot guy. Why not? He seems like he needs a break. He had a rough night. Right.

Nobody picked him up. I'll pick him up. I'm gonna take him back to the stars. I'll make him feel like he was in stars and then I'll dump him in the lake and he'll think he was there forever. Einstein, who did Frankfurt? and then I'll dump him in the lake and he'll think he was there forever. The city is not without it! Send it to the dog zone for an hour! Come on, you know the number! 1900!

1900 Frankfurt! 1900 New York! 1900 Frankfurt! 1900! 1900 Frankfurt! 1900 New York! Yes, 9000! In the future, all war is handled by elite warriors doing single battle in immense high-tech fighting events.

We call these warriors... The Supremes Aaron Crosston Adrian H Aiden Moat Alex Nolenberg is right. There's nothing in the rulebook that says your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw cock. AlphaScience's Jabo. Unanti. Armando Nava.

Bim Talzer. Brendan Garlok. Brian Salem. Burrito. Brian Salem, Burrito, Cero, Cheddar Wolf is also right. There's still nothing in the rule book saying you can't have a giant chainsaw cock. Common Sense is right too. There remains nothing in the rule book against giant chainsaw cocks. Craig LeMoine, I guess that's right.

There's, look, it takes time to print new rule books. Let's just say no more giant chainsaw cocks from now on All right, Quavis was late to the meeting and missed the part about the giant chainsaw cocks, but that's the last one Dan B David Schull put a small chainsaw cock on his robot fair enough Dean Castillo Delta Foxtrot Small chainsaw cock on his robot. Fair enough. Dean Costillo. Delta Foxtrot.

Devin the Rogue Supreme. Doug Redmond comes equipped with Rocket Fist. Drayson uses Orange Laser. Dusty's Rat Title uses Green Laser. Eric Rion uses Blue Laser. All right, is this in protest of the giant chainsaw cock ban? Fancy Shark uses Cocklip. You're children.

You're all children. Garen. Jell-O-Ho. Good Satan and his Hot Witches fights with a giant chainsaw dog. Okay, we're putting all synonyms in the rule book now too. Greg Cunningham. Haraka.

Hulk. Jaber Al-Aiden., James Boyd it says right here in the rule book your robot cannot have a giant chainsaw wang. Nice try. Jared Black, no it can't be a giant chainsaw schlong. Jared Mountainman, right here, plain English, banned weapons, giant chainsaw man sausage. Jared Ruiz, you cannot have a giant chainsaw hog. Oh, it's an actual hog. Sorry, let it play. Jeff Oraski. John Dean. John McCann. John Minkoff. Joseph Searles. Josh S. Joshua Graves. Justin B. Come on, man, those are clearly balls. No, it doesn't matter if there's no cock. It's the spirit of the thing. Ken Paisley K&M? Banned.

Chainsaw cock. Lane Hagood? Banned. Chainsaw cock. Lisa? Frankly, I expected better of you. That's a three-day suspension for chainsaw cock. M. Jahi Chappelle, you know what? I'm going to allow it. It's fine if the robot wears concealing underwear. Mark Mahoney, I said concealing underwear is hanging right out there.

That's a ban. Matt Riley. Max Baror. Moju. Mercenary Sissadmin, yes, it's still banned even if it's uncut. Michael Lair. Mickey Loman. Mort, you brought three rotating giant chainsaw cocks. Why would that be allowed? Mr. Bob Gray, no, then four obviously wouldn't be cool, would it? ND. Neil Bailey.

Neil Schaeffer. Neku104. Nick Lavino brought an old-fashioned mace. Yes! Ornry Weevil, Nick Lavino's tag team partner, brought a bolo! This is what I'm talking about! Oh, I see what you guys are doing there. That's hilarious. Hilarious. That's bad. Ozzy Olin. Patrick Herbst is allowed to bring the giant chainsaw cock because this is an exhibition match.

It's non-competition play, guys. Rhiannon Sarkovski. Sean Chase, it's not an exhibition match because you're exhibiting something. Siege, it's not an exhibition match because God is always watching. Spotty Reception, it's not an exhibition match just because you sold tickets ahead of time. Supernaut, an exhibition match is a formally classified thing. We'll tell you when it's not a normal match, okay? Tater's Tales just got giant chainsaw cocks banned in exhibition matches too, okay? Everyone happy? Ted H. Thomas Kavatsos. Timmy Lahey. Toasty God. Tommy G. Velo? I don't care if it's detachable, I know what a giant chainsaw

cock looks like. Booster, yes, even if it's on your forehead, I know you're not a unicorn that's happy to see me. Waylon Russell, Zack and Ava, that entire robot is one enormous chainsaw cock, I can't imagine being more banned. Harvey Penguini fights with a giant chainsaw cock. I can't imagine being more banned. Harvey Penguini fights with a giant chainsaw... vagina? I guess that's allowed. I mean, I feel like it's basically your opponent's fault if they take you up on that. I can't imagine anyone would be foolish enough to- wow,

right out the gate. Stuck his face right in there, huh? Alright, Harvey Penguini wins Alaska!