The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 10 -Dave Holmes: The Past Times

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and actor, writer, tv host, podcaster, and former VJ Dave Holmes. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.    Hello Fresh

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seasonal recipes that are delivered right to your home. You skip chips to the grocery store and you can count on Hello Fresh to make home cooking easy and oh yes affordable. That's why it's America's number one meal kit so go to hellofresh.com slash TP21 and use code TP21 for 21 fresh meals plus free shipping that's hellofresh.com slash TP21 and use code TP21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping. Hello Fresh America's number one meal kit. Dave we got him. I told you we'd get him. Thank you for doing the show Dave. Before we start let's before we get into a weird paper from I'm gonna guess 1872. And then Dave you're

allowed to guess in a second. Okay let's promote your things. You have a podcast called Waiting for Impact that people should check out and that is available on podcast platforms. It's available everywhere. Every podcast is available everywhere right? Except for Joe Rogan. I never know what to say. Who doesn't need promotion? Yeah. Have a crazy doctor on the next podcast you do. You have no idea how close I am to just fully doing that heel turn. It's so easy. The dumbest people in the world are doing it and raking it in. You don't think I'd like to stop doing 60% of what I'm doing and instead just say the laziest shit that

comes through my mind. I want that. I pine for that version. Yeah. I want the version where I don't know what to say to you when I see you. Yes. That's what I want. Yeah. Yeah I don't. By the way did you know I found out just before he moved but I found out that Ben Shapiro was my neighbor last year. Oh my god. Right around the corner. Isn't that weird? Wow. It's crazy. That's so weird. It's so strange. I was like I was riding my bike and he and he was out walking with his family. Good morning sir. Yeah I saw him and I was like that's not Ben Shapiro and I turned around and I and I looked again and it was like well that's fucking

Ben Shapiro and then I had to turn around again because I had to go back to where it was going and so I passed him again and whatever but yeah it was fully Ben Shapiro. Now he's in Nashville. He must feel very attract. He must be like God people cannot get enough of his show over here. Yes I'm a human being. Leave me alone. I know I look I know I look good but just turn around please good Lord I'm married. You got his S's down perfectly. Well I you know I watch everything he does. And also Dave you work with S-square. You've worked with S-square for ages and and your social media is at Dave Holmes. It is at Dave Holmes and I promote all this

shit on there at Dave Holmes. Yeah Twitter and Instagram. Okay great. Now now that now that now that now that we've elevated your status in the online community. Uh-huh. What you Dave you get a pick what what year do you think we might be dealing with. It's I mean is it is it wrong that I want it to be like 1987. No it's not. That's actually great too. Oh yeah we those are those are just as weird. They are. I can't wait till it's weird and you get like you get a cafe. Yeah and you got to see Dave bring Ziggy's to life. It is just my Ziggy takes are legendary. All right David what do we got. All right so well

you're both wrong although Dave Dave's is more of a I want than a than I guess he was more like I'm yearning but it was also when I was 70s yeah yeah and I think because I don't know what the time ranges are here. Oh yeah it goes all the way from like the 1700s you can get newspapers all the way back it's crazy yeah but we went to 18 we went to 1893. Hmm okay yeah January January wait yes January 27th. So the swimsuit that like that Kathy is trying on it's gonna be more it's good it's gonna be more like a neck to ankles kind of a fall all the way down and people will be like burn her yes yeah she's not actually allowed

outside she wears the bathing suit in the house yeah January 27th 1893 and the place Abilene the Abilene reporter sweet Abilene Texas so page so a lot of these the back in the day they would they would often put all the ads on the first page and then the news later on paper we'll get but this one this one's all news front page. Oh really but we also find that the front page not a lot of times is not representative of most important like there's not really like you know that the front page is now a thing back then they were like it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. They'll read the whole thing they got

nothing else to do yeah yeah it's that and whistling that's life. Okay well we got a whole section of a local local news stuff happening or maybe not local well a terrible train wreck occurred at the Juan Illinois 24 miles north of St. Louis the limited passenger it's weird I hadn't heard this until just now. Yeah you would think a lot of these details will probably click for you. The limited passenger okay I guess that means it's a it's a small passenger train which leaves that city for the East 815 AM ran into an open switch at when and dashed into a train of seven tank cars while it's traveling 45 miles an hour. Oh my

god that's a legit light that's fast. Is that fast? Yeah that's when they were like women can't get on trains because their ovaries will come out like that's the womb will pop out of her mouth. She'll puke her womb. Okay so it hit the sweat meaning like there was not the switch wasn't made on the track properly yeah it tanks. The trains hit each other. Oh my god. The switch thing was facing the wrong way. Yeah someone didn't I think someone was supposed to turn it off and they didn't. I don't mean to finger point but this has Buster Keaton written all over it. Doesn't it. Well here listen to the end because he makes an

appearance. The engineer was instantly killed by the explosion of the oil and passengers badly shaken up. I don't need to know the oil part that's just there he passed he perished. I can't tell how many times I've I've read about someone being covered in oil or gas and dying in this time. It was just like every other person died of it. It's okay so attracted by the noise a great crowd quickly gathered from the surrounding neighborhood and watched the conflagration I can't really read that. Yeah so a bunch of people show up to watch the terrible misery TV yeah so yeah come down. Wow he's all bones and oil. What a

change. Shortly afterwards two of the tank cars which had escaped destruction in the collision exploded with tremendous violence. Jesus as opposed to a nonviolent explosion which was too bad. Yeah it wasn't a simmer this was like that they went up. Yeah it went up scattering burning oil among the dense throng of spectators. Now all the people that came to watch are now covered in burning oil. All the people are like imagine if that happened to us oh my god. And then and then I'm assuming another crowd came to watch the people burning who right there should be another crowd watching the spectators who okay. And

then their flammable insides yeah this is I think this is a time before we had awareness of a splash zone to be pre-splash zone a hundred percent but this this might have actually been the catalyst of the splash zone I think it sounds like it yeah this is I do remember around this time I'd have to look into this but I remember there was a hurricane in like Galveston and everybody went down to watch the hurricane and like hundreds of people died because they were all just like let's go watch it. Let's watch a hurricane. The difference between spectator and participant in the hurricane.

Oh yeah. Negative. And yet and yet somehow news reporters are like that's a good idea. Yeah 11 people were instantly killed in 19 others. Jesus he keeps going. Hold on and 19 others fatally burned. Oh okay so that's different Dave instantly and 11 yeah and it's important to pick groups. Yeah 11 died but now these guys were super quick and then that pile over there is dying. We've got 11 dead and 19 fatally burned. This corner is like I don't know. And then six perished. There's a lot to count. While the great number were more or less severely burned the loss of property is $125,000. And that's where we get it right back to America. How much property was

gone. What did this cost? Let's put a dollar amount on it. Who did the benefit single later? Oh I would love to hear that. Campy Jin. Campy Jin did it. Oh we got another train wreck. A bad wreck occurred at the Wabash River bridge south of Peru, Indiana. The northbound Lake Erie and Western Express became derailed on the bridge. Oh god. That's like a movie. That's like the first movie. And the whole structure collapsed precipitating the train on the frozen river 30 feet below. And it was frozen? It doesn't get better. Oh it does. The wreckage instantly caught fire. Oh god. Fire on ice. Wow. Now I mean the

spectators must have been like, do you mind if I whack off? Look at this. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. This is fantastic. Barbara get in here. Not too close or your will will jump out of you. One man, Geo Dorland of La Port was killed and 14 others seriously injured. Well that's pretty impressive that only one guy got killed. How many were fatally killed after that? Oh yes. One dead. How many were fatally crushed? Sorry, 700. I apologize. That's not bad. So train falls off bridge onto ice. A little bit more. Train gets stuck on the bridge. Fire. Entire bridge collapses. Collapses on the ice, then fire. Fire. Then fire. Which weakens ice as. Yeah. Yep, I believe you. Train into water.

So then train into water. Okay. And one dies. Boy they really knew how to do crashes back then. Like they really. But that's kind of best case scenario for a train wreck though, I guess, right? Just sort of dropping. Oh gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Oh gosh, that was on fire. We should leave soon, I believe. The next fucked up thing that happens. Let's go. Let's catch the 4 p.m. Well then it gets kind of more boring. This is the Paris broom factory shipped over $100 worth of brooms last week. So this is solid though. That's a good week. Yeah. It's the capitalism times. Yeah. Yeah. Reading the front of this. Honey, you see this broom story. Well, thinking about crazy over there at the factory. How are they keeping up? It looks like a bunch of trains caught on fire too, dear. If you don't keep your eyes focused, brooms are moving. You know what? You know what?

This is a triumph for the broom factory PR person. There is somebody in Abilene, Texas with a clipboard and a headset. And just like listen, I need you to pay attention. Like when can we run that story on the broom factory? Because they're doing incredible business. If we could just do a quick mention. Yeah. I have tickets to the rodeo. Which is huge. Yes. Well, and then going to them. We have secured the first article. So a train blew up and it killed all the people watching the blow up. But other than that, we're not. God damn it, more bad news. A fire train hit ice. But then it's us. Then I'm told it's us. What a fun world it was. Oh, here's some sad news out of Brooklyn. A smallpox. Smallpox is

increasing in Brooklyn, New York. Six cases reported in two days. Oh, boy. I wonder what that's like. Long lines for testing back then. Not anymore. And it's, yeah, like, you know, if they find a vaccine for smallpox, I'm not going to get it. Oh, God. Why would you? There's something in it. They're trying to figure out what your train tickets are. That's how they know which train you took. You dumb assholes. 1870. 1893. 1893. As much as I have no knowledge of history outside of Dave Anthony shouting it at me. The repetition is always what is so remarkable. Just the level of, oh, yeah. Replace two words. We're doing it now. Are we just in my lifetime? The infamous rhyming of history? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. When was the peak of smallpox?

I like to think we're not there. You know what? That's a really good question. I have no idea I mean, it was around for so long. When do we get bigpox? Dave, I'm going to, I'll, I'll softball that one. You know what's weird? Regular pox. I hate to break this to you. 2022. That's when bigpox comes. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's one of my favorite rappers, by the way, bigpox. Or was bigpox first and smallpox was like the, the Muppet babies. Oh, these aren't bad. These are carry chronicles, whatever. These are small. These are compared to what we were dealing with 10 years ago. Ritz Bitts. We like to call them fun size, but they're going with smallpox bits. Ritz Bitts. I mean, these are juniors, pox junior. They're fun. They're cute. Babypox.

I don't know if there was a peak. Honestly, it went from the sixth century all the way through the 18th. Wow. And this just says the highlights by vaccine. I don't even remember. Yes. Then we vaccinated for it. And we, and still, right. And still you get that shot when you're a child, right? Smallpox. I believe you do. I don't know if you have to get the shot more because it's gone. I don't think we get the shot. It was, it was in, I think it was 1875 or 1870 in late 1870, 1970s is when we finally got the last people vaccinated on earth. Okay. I think if, if COVID had a more cosmetic version, I, you would see a lot more. If it was like your skin bubbled with pox, you would delight people. Everybody would be like, everybody, but if it

made, if it wrinkled your clothing, it lines down. Yeah. Yes. If there's any physical management, gave you bad breath. Yeah. Anything. Yeah. For dudes, if it like, if one of the side effects was like, like a harder penis, you would be, I love side effects. These are the best. They'll be all over the side effects. Track my train. Still on page one. Page one's got a lot going on. Sure. Okay. Well, that was page one. Yeah, we're still on page one. Trains and brooms. Page one. Trains and brooms, baby. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. And then again, this again, these are all just jumbled together. There's no sort of section. I guess this is still like lifestyle section. Yeah, not really. There

should be. You find, you know, TV listings. Okay. For sure. By the aid of his wife, LB Thomas charged with stealing a watch escaped from Bonham jail. It's John Bonham's jail. That's right. You got a puke to get out. Miss Thomas got possession of the keys during the jailer's absence, released her husband and dressed up a dummy, which was placed in his cot. This is old school. This is whimsy is what this is. This, it really, it is, I, I mean, I do as much as like, you know, obviously there are people, some people who need to be in court. I pine for the days when it was as simple as getting the jailer's keys. That's distracting him while he took a nap. Yeah, right. And you get the little

like, yeah, but then you'd lift in the keys or the dummy in the bed. Just yeah, it was possible. Yeah. He's snoring away while you're doing the thing by the way. Yeah. And then he makes that little noise. And by the way, those are the guys who watched Epstein. Those are the guards who watched. Those are the same ones. That's right. Same ones. Napping guys. The jailer on returning saw the dummy and thought his prisoner was safe until he got he's just in one of those comas. I guess this is where it takes a little turn until he found a note announcing that Thomas had left for parts unknown. Who? The guy who broke out left a note saying he left. That's class. That's class. That is nice. But he didn't say where. It's just parts unknown. And you know they debated

that like, should we tell him where we're going? I don't feel like that. Leave it to him. I don't. Well, it is an escape. So it's an escape. So I feel like it probably makes it seem rude not to let him know where we're going. I agree. And he's been very decent to me. But I still the whole thing is I don't want to come back. You know what? And now that I think it through, it does defeat the purpose of escaping if we tell him exactly where we are. So let's let's give him something. Let's give him. How about this? You have some jam in the wagon. Bring some jam. We'll make a little basket. Yeah. Okay. And we'll come back in five years. Check on him. Something like that soap in a fun shape. Some that I love that. I love that. Acute. I love that. And look, I'm going to do hearts over

the eyes. There we go. So he knows we're having a little fun. Mm hmm. And we'll just say parts unknown. Yes. That's catchy. It could be it could be here. We could get on a steamship and go. Yes. A foreign land. I'm writing all this down. I want to really like, I love the whimsy pitch. Listen, trains are extremely risky at this time in history. Yes. Get on one of them. We are riding trains with oil. Absolutely. No, my wife will ride on the back due to womb scarcity. I'm just holding my stomach at all times. Your mouth and your, your mouth and your butt the whole time. We're not today in there. Not today train. Like food poisoning. This is nice. So Thomas had been confined in default of bail, but in the note, he promised to return and abide by the result of his trial. So whatever

happened in the trial, he was going to come back and be like, yeah, okay, I'll, I'll serve the time or I'll walk away free. So he's, he's, but he's basically done it. What he's done is given himself bail. Yes. He bailed. Right. He's a bail bondsman. Yes. I would be so curious to know, I mean, if, if you do return after that. It doesn't seem like the smart play. It doesn't. It feels like, and it also feels like you will, you know, they're not going to be like, well, we were going to, you know, obviously you escaped, but you left all that sweet basket in that note and you did return. Right. We're going to overlook that. Yeah. It seems like you are just adding time onto whatever punishment. Yeah. No, I think, you know, back then it, some places felt it was a right to try to

escape jail. Like for a long time, Mexico had that law. I don't know if they still do, but it was almost, by a human rights standard, you would try to break out of jail. So you would not be punished for trying to break out of jail. There are a lot of places that had that. It's less now, but yeah, that's the thing. Bring it back. Let's, they should, that should do 100% be a thing. It should be, it makes it more fun. You know, it's lighter. It's a lighter system. Yeah. A little more dangerous at times. Sure. But also, come on, we're America. The dollop is brought to you in part by Hello Fresh. Look with Hello Fresh, you get farm fresh, pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skip trips to the grocery store and count on Hello Fresh to make

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HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit. There's some excitement in Abilene. Great enthusiasm was manifested yesterday over a wagon load of stuffed wild Texas animals. The owner said he was on his way to the world's fair. So a dude rolled into town with a wagon full of taxidermied animals and the town went bugged shit. Like they could not believe what they were seeing. When I first read that, I thought it was just animals and now it makes less sense that people are excited about it. They're dead animals. I thought it was going to be live animals. Yeah, so people were like, he's rolled through town with wild animals who are absolutely still. God, he's good. He's very good. He must be some sort of racist. I'm greatly enthusiastic.

Let's run toward it. Yes. Yeah. I guess that's- Yeah, so he just had like a Noah wagon with a bunch of stuffed- That's right. Right. With the dead animals. Like not- And the taxiderm- There was a guy we talked about, Dave, who was like revolutionized taxidermy at one point on the dollop. And before then, it was not a fair representation of mother nature. You know what I mean? You'd be like, yeah, it looks like someone stepped on a bird. You're like, you like it? Yeah, yeah. Do you follow baby Jesus Fox on Instagram? No. Well, you should. It is the sister of a friend of mine who's a British comedian and she took a taxidermy class and her final project is real. Like by her own admission, terrible. So she just dresses it up in different costumes.

Oh my God. This is good. I am- This is amazing. Actually, I have not even looked myself in a while. Well, my favorite one that I've seen so far is the camping shot where the baby Jesus Fox is cooking some baked beans on a hot plate at a campsite. I gotta go with writing the pony. I love writing the pony. Let's just say that's a follow. Oh, and yeah, camping's pretty great. That's a follow. That is a definite follow. Best follow of the week, in my opinion. You just need a thing. Oh, shit, so good. Okay, we got a little- Dave's seen it and he's looking at it like, still working for me. Still working for me. If we could just break for 10 to 20 minutes. And no problem. We always take a baby Fox break. And that's when now Instagram is going to be like,

oh, so you like dead animals? Here's some other dead animals. Oh my God, yeah. You got to see Bore Daddy. I don't like Bore Daddy. So Senator Imbojin has introduced a bill to punish anyone who shall assault or kill anyone while a Dirk, dagger, or pistol is about his person. So I guess I'm missing- I'm going to need to hear that again. Yeah, I'm absolutely going to replay. And probably some explanation. A bill to- there's nothing else at all. That's it. Okay. This is the whole thing. A bill to punish anyone who shall assault or kill anyone while a dagger, Dirk, or pistol is about his person. So it's- I feel like you should already be in trouble for

assaulting or killing someone, but he's saying if you have a weapon, then you've done something bad. So maybe you're allowed- Maybe you're allowed to just- Fist murders, okay? Yeah. Okay, that's what it is. You're allowed to fist murder. In interest, it's been a long road to get where we are. Are we any different, really? Yes. So are we now- Is this the first step towards a punishment for murder? Yeah. It's such a gray area in the 1800s. I know this one's very- What's the penalty for killing someone else without any of those things? You get a belt, a championship belt, a medal. You're a man.

You get the town hat for a day. And then people were like, you'll come on, killing with weapons illegal? What country is this? I mean, I really think he's saying it's bad to beat someone up. If you have a weapon, you should do it with your fists. I think that's what he's trying to say with his bill. It's a really good bill. It's really broadly worded. Yeah, it's not clear. By the way, which- I don't- It- Can you read it again? Because I- Yes. I'm not against hearing it again. Okay. A bill to punish anyone who shall assault or kill anyone- It's like what a wizard would tell you at like a bridge to let you pass.

Yeah. You're like, wait, I'm sorry. I don't understand what I'm trying to solve here. We're all putting a- Okay, sorry, Dave. One more time. Sorry, I wanted to interrupt. A bill to punish anyone who shall assault or kill anyone while a Dirk, Dagger, or pistol is about his person. A Dirk, Dagger? I just realized Dirk, too. I also just heard Dirk. Dirk is a different word. We should look it up if none of us knows what it is. So it's Dirk, Dagger. Yes. Yes. Not a Dirk, Dagger. Not a Dirk, Dagger. Not yet. Like a Dirk, Diggler. Oh, this says it's a former German professional basketball player. That can't be. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. You can't- That makes sense. They're so tall. It would be like

a disadvantage to beat them with a center. Let's see. I'll put definition in. A short Dagger of a kind formerly carried by Scottish Highlanders. Okay, so this is a Highlander blade. Yeah, some reason he wanted to separate Dirk and Dagger. Maybe Dagger's longer. Yeah, it must be. Probably, yeah. Or, or, pistol? Or pistol. Was that the third thing? Or pistol. Dirk, Dagger, or pistol. So not for using them, but for having them on you when you kill someone. Yes. Yes. Is it that? It's not, it's not killing them with it. It's having it on you when you kill them? Yeah, it's just about your person. What the fuck is- I really think he's saying- I've just started fathoming what we're talking about. I just started processing.

I don't think I'm there yet. I think maybe not. I'm not sure. I really, I think he's saying if you have any of these things on you, it's an unfair advantage because that person is scared of the pistol or dagger or Dirk. Okay. Okay. Like most bills that come through a government, very clear. And, and what did this get watered down to? We don't know. I bet. I bet. I would love, I would love to- Just a Dirk. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like, yeah. Only Dirk's will take it. I just want to update, when I was going to look for what a Dirk is, that baby Jesus fucks also eats sushi. Imagine taking the little stuffed baby fox into a sushi restaurant and they're like, what are you doing? I don't know if we're allowed to have it. No, it's dead. Baby Jesus fucks. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. It's baby Jesus fucks. Been dead for some time, but he rose again to eat some sushi. Yes. Oh, that's the Jesus. That makes sense. So a couple more congressional things here. Mr. Mills amending divorce laws so as to permit divorces only in cases of adultery and to prohibit parties from thereafter marrying again. So they're not allowed to marry each other again. Or they are allowed to marry others? No, they must just be anybody. They're not. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you fucked up. So you had your shot. You blew it. You're not good at this. You don't get to do it again. I'm not mad at that idea at all. I am so on board with that idea, too. I really am. I am totally on board with it, too. Yeah, I think the stakes are too low now.

Yeah. I would definitely say that that, I mean, my father, great example, shouldn't have had his second shot. He finished it too. He put his jersey in the rat. He's looking for three, but seems unlikely. Well, here's another, here's another animal story. Mr. Townsend's bill increasing the penalty for stealing a hog of value over $20 to imprisonment in the penitentiary was placed on its second reading. So if you steal a pig that's worth over $20, but then how does it come down to, well, my hogs were $20 or $19? Well, you gotta have a hog appraiser. Yeah, you gotta have a hog appraiser. I do it like the Westminster dog show. Can I see two, six, four, please? I want them in that order. Lifting up their little tails. Okay,

I like his anus. These nipples are good. I love that. It's very, I love it. It's nice. Oh my God. Okay. And like, I don't, I don't know what a hog goes for now in $2022. So I can't, I mean, is it $20? How grand is a $20 hog? Yeah, that's a good question. That's actually a really good question because I think hogs are pretty expensive. I mean, unless you get, I think you get, if you get them when they're starting out, like a small one and they grow, probably cheaper. Okay. Like a teacup. What year are we in, like, 1880? It is 1893. 1893. I like the way you put that. If you get a hog, you know, when they're starting out, not a piglet, but like a hog when he's starting out. A begin hog. Like, there's no sense, there's

not puppies. You get a dog that's starting out. So it would be about $3,000 today. Really? Yeah. And by the way, when I entered, what was $20 in 1893, it goes, should we remember this card? I was like, phone, you're not really on the ball here, honestly. I don't know if you know what a card numbers looks like. Yeah. Also, yeah, again, like, I don't know what $3,000 gets you in 2022 in the realm of hogs. That's true. Yeah. I mean, well, well, okay, so a $3,000 crime and what the result is imprisonment? Yeah, you get it. You get imprisonment, which we've already learned is really easy to get out of. So yeah, I'm fairly supportive. This 1893 prisons aren't holding nobody. No, no,

they're like, once we get that fourth wall, y'all are going to learn. I think if you, I would come up with a different one, if you stole a $3,000 hog, you have to then eat it in one sitting. You're a bizarre man with problematic takes. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Have you ever heard that? No, I should not be in Congress. I mean, let's... All right, now you got to eat it. Eat your freedom. How'd you get your picture on the wall in a shirt? This is the last of our congressional roundup. The greater part of the congressional roundup? Yeah, you labeled it that, but it is well pieced together that there is actually some, it's like we're getting close to categories. Yeah, no. And it's quick little blurbs. It's bites.

Attention span was shortening by the day. Yeah, there's very important congressional reviews for Twitter. They'll have maybe one big long story, but most of the papers are like this, just little shots. It's Twitter. The greater part of the day in the house was consumed in filibustering. Mr. Kilgore of Texas was to the fore. He accomplished his purpose of defeating the bill for the erection of a monument to prison ship martyrs. He was against the prison ship martyrs statue. Yeah, yes, he does not want... And he filibustered, does Texan filibustered the statue and succeeded. And when we talk about prison boat martyrs, just for clarity, are we talking about people like jailers who were murdered by prison ship

prisoners who revolted or prisoners who died while on prison ships? Yeah, that would be my guess, because the left... If it's a Texan opposed to it, it has to be a pro prison version. Okay, yeah. Right? Were we that, were we that, excuse the words of this word, but were we that woke back then? Yes, the left was much more militant and left, so they often used the term martyrs for stuff like this. Oh, I see, I see. Are you making that up? Because it feels... No, no, no, it's true, it's true. The eight ladies, especially, very militant left and very like into this sort of dialogue. If I say it, it's probably made up. Yes, 100%, but they were very, very, very about, very about human rights, except for women, but very... I'm talking about white guys, yeah.

Right. There's a great thing here, it just says, Abilene has and Abilene wants, and it's stuff that the town has and stuff that the town wants, and it's just a giant list. I love that. They have... Is it like side by side? Like, have this? Yes. We have paint, we need brushes. Yes, yes. Right. We already know this, but they have a broom factory. Obviously, huge news. What do they want, though? A better local economy. A cigar factory. Sure. Everybody deserves a cigar. Four barbies. So on brand, unbelievably. I don't mean to stereotype, but good God. They have one machine shop, and they would like more stone sidewalks. Interesting. They have four hotels, they would like a city park.

They have four hotels. Wow. Yeah, that makes sense. Where are you gonna put all these, these Abilene tourists? That's true. That is a good question. That is a good question. Park. I get it. I'm not, listen, I'm not on the not want. I'm just... We need a fucking, Gareth, we need a fucking gazebo. We have four hotels. Now you're pushing it. Now you're pushing it. We need a gazebo. We need green space. We need a statue to people who died on a prison ship. His park's getting awfully crowded. They have two Chateauqua circles? No idea what that is. And they want, they want a driving park. What? I know, I think it's a park that you drive around.

But it's 1893. What else could it be? What's the car deal then? Well, you get, you get in your horse, you're getting your horse carriage, and you drive around. Oh, that's, that's driving. It's like an area for cruising. Yeah, yeah. That's right. It's a life so, I mean, just in ways you pine for the simplistic times of just wanting to slowly go around in circles forever. Yeah. And just holler at each other. Yeah. Just be a Roomba. Just live your life as a Roomba out in your green park, caraging around when a taxidermist shows up. Oh my God. Drop everything.

Something. Some sort of large cat. Oh my God. I'm very still large cat. Hold me. Hold me. Hold me. My legs are giving. They have a Shakespeare club? Interesting, which is amazing. I would love to hear the Shakespeare back then. And they want more stone gutters. So, you know, they need us. There's a stone want. That's the, like, that's the counterweight to a Shakespeare club? It's just, it's just right across from it. I don't, I don't know if they're related. They just kind of happen to be next to each other. They want a stone gutter to flush that Shakespeare shit. I like it. I like the if then. I like that. Yeah. I like that. I don't know. I put them side by side if they're not connected

in some way. I agree. I agree. And also stone gutters, really. Come on. There's got to be, like, they had clay. It's not. It's not. A lot of the, a lot of the wants are. Not that gone again. A lot of the wants. Why do our gutters keep evaporating every storm? Horrible. A lot of the wants are. I've started to think paper's not our best defense. A lot of the wants are just very, like, we need infrastructure. I mean, it's like colleges, rail roads, tannery, laundry. Yeah. Like sewage, plumbing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's right. What? A place for all the feces. Please. A big hole for poo, please. Anything will do. Oh, God. The last one is Eight Alderman

and a mayor who will serve the city and contribute their salaries for the purpose of improving the streets and gutters. Wow. It just has got a little. Never change. It's there. Like, that was the last item on the list. That was the last want. Yeah. That was the last one. They got pretty political there, didn't it? Yeah. They won a non-corrupted government. They're like, and in order to get all these things, it'd be great if politicians weren't fueled by money. End of list. Here's, here's our fucking point. Yeah. That's why that's why they made the list to just go, fuck you, do your job. Sure. It's deflating to hear that that's always been the problem. Sure. Yeah.

Now, sometimes in these papers, they'll take something from another paper and reprint it. And this is one of those things. A repost. A repost. Yeah, it's a retweet. Washington News. In Washington, a man may place an old briar pipe in his shapely mouth and walk around town smoking according to the dictates of his own conscience, none daring to make him afraid. I'm sorry. I feel like we're about to cross another wizard bridge. What we're just saying is a guy can pop a pipe in his mouth and walk around and no one gives him any shit. Okay. Right. Shapely mouth. Yeah. It is. It feels this man's being objectified. Yeah. Every minute of it, by the way. Yeah. So and was that that is incongruent with the laws of

that? Okay, sorry. I think yeah, I think it's well, okay, it is not so in all parts of the country. There are places where such conduct would bring him under police surveillance and cause him to be ostracized by society. So in some places, just watch you keep an eye on that guy's got a pipe. He's got a shapely mouth and a pipe. Look at that mouth though. That's all I'm looking at. Hello villain villain. Yeah. So wait, so in in Washington, you can walk around smoking a pipe totally free and don't nobody give you any trouble. Nope. And is that what we want or what we don't want? I don't let's let's keep going. I don't. Okay. Now yeah, there has been there's long been a deep rooted prejudice against the pipe. A man might appear in public smoking

a cigar that would cause horses to swoon three blocks away and nobody would say anything. Nope. But if he smoked a pipe, if he smoked a pipe on the streets, his social doom was sealed. The reason, however, has resumed her majestic sway, leveled the barriers of superstition, and conquered the hosts of prejudice. And as a result, the man who smokes is happy. I agree. So I don't know. I don't know if we got the actual answer to your question. I've never been more aroused by an article in the 1800s. Get that writer that I would read way more papers like that. Is it an article or a painting? Is it is it an editorial? Is it is it pornography? I don't know. I'm horny and informed. Yeah. Yeah, I pack a pipe. So was this

like the legalization movement of 1893? Oh, wow. I think you need a license for a pipe for that. Like there's a medical medical. Yeah. It's just got to be like, Hey, can we just relax and let everybody smoke outside? It's that's what it seems like, right? Not if you want to be part of society. It's too it's too gussied up. This language is too flowery. It is. Say what you're saying. Yeah, I am. I agree. But I love it. I really. Yeah, they really loved words back then. They really like just get all the words in here. Pack them in going. Well, you probably got paid by the word. Yeah, that's true. That's upping the up in the check. A tenth of a cent a word. You write something long enough, you can get yourself

a $20 hog. Oh, man, imagine getting my fucking pipe essay got got me this hog. Yeah, not one of those taxidermied ones with only one eye in the middle of its head. Real dealer, a double-eyed one. Now, this is just a whole section that it says local, but there's just a bunch of little small. The dog poisoner is again at work. And as usual, he kills the good with the bad. Jeff Jones lost another Irish setter last week. Okay, so we have a dog poisoner on the loose in Abilene. Well, I don't like that they're they're like, look, sometimes the bad dogs die, which is great. These good dogs are also dying. Bad. Yeah. And is it like, is dog poisoner like a position within the Abilene? Oh, no. No. Like the dog catcher, is it like, is there someone who like

poisons the stray dogs? Very. I did not think that. They're stone gutters. They sure do not have a shelter. So like stray dogs, I would imagine that the Abilene solution in 1893 is to poison them. But if your own dog gets away, that dog is vulnerable to the dogs. It is. It is. All right. It is the dog catcher as the executioner, probably, which is very dark. That's real dark. Yeah, that got really dark, really fast. Yes. Like, they had to soften it to be the guy with the net in the cartoons. Yeah, they did. Because the poisoner, that's not, that's not as much fun. Different when a guy is just like jamming his finger into a dog's mouth, just like, there you go. Go to the next, go to the next event. But you're absolutely right. That's what it is. Because

the guy's probably just like, when is my term up? Oh, God. What an amazing dark insight to have. That guy shouldn't be elected dog poisoner. This guy can't even be a dog poisoner. Oh, hey. By the way, I would guess among dog poisoners, the number one cause of death, self poisoning. Absolutely. Accidental self poisoning. How can you live with yourself? Yeah. Yeah. So this is, let me say it, dead dog sucks all the air out of the room. Yeah, it's hard to come back. Let's get back, let's get back to the broom factory because now we're on, we're on page five and we have an update. Died dog hairs. That's why they're doing such a booming business. They don't even take, they don't even take the

dog on. It's just like they put a dog on a stick. There you go. That'll sweeper. Push it around the, there you go. That's right. It's called a lab mop. What you see it here is capitalism. So, uh, so update for the broom factory, P Mohan and sons received a large shipment of handles for their broom factory Wednesday related to the other story where they sold $100 worth. I thank God for that arrival too because otherwise it's real. It's a key component in, I mean, it's really two pieces. Yeah. It's a key piece. It is a key piece. This is exciting. What page are we on? We're on page, uh, five. Okay. Wow. The letters from

Kansas and Nebraska are coming in inquiring about our climate and crops and it's almost incredible to them that our stock should keep in good order without feed or shelter. This is again, one of those ones where I'm like, I need to lock in a little bit more to understand what it's a, it's a, it's a geographical brag that your weather is better. This is a time when people from Kansas would write you just to see what the weather was like there as a troll. No, I think it's, uh, no, they were just like, where's it just like, is this like early Zillow? Like what, what are places like down there? How would I do

what I need to feed my animals? If I, if I lived, what's the dog deal? What is my, what's your zestimate there? Weather wise, but also to be not only enamored that much with a, the climate of somewhere else, but to like, to not know, it's so crazy the way that information just was unable to travel very far. Like you would write a letter to be like, what was the day like? Very sunny, not a cloud in the sky. Oh, imagine. Oh, someday when a woman could ride a train, I'll get there. And it's like, you do the thing and it's 10 days to get there. Yeah. And then you answer it eventually and then it's 10 days to get back. So it was like,

so you're probably like seven and a half weeks ago. It's sunny in December again. Yeah. I wouldn't do well there. Here's just on the same sort of theme. Here's just a, it's a paragraph. It just says Hawaii. That's the headline. Great. Hawaii is the largest island of the group in the North Pacific known as the Sandwich Island and has an area of about 4,000 square miles. The climate is exceedingly fair. The exports are mainly sugar and fruit, most of which go to San Francisco. Leprosy is prevalent in these islands. And on one of them, Molokai is, is the celebrated Leprosy Hospital. At the, that's not the right word.

Did you ever see the musical about that Leprosy Hospital? No. Oh, was it good? It was, it was, it was, it was dazzling. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm enticed. I am. Yeah. Is it, is it, is it serious or is it a, I mean, there's whimsy to it. Sure. Right. I mean, you're left with a message. Yes. Which is stay away from people with leprosy. Don't touch them. Yes. Don't touch them. Yeah. Don't absolutely don't touch them. But you're also, your toe is tapping. Hawaii should probably do something like that now just to sort of curb the amount of people

trying to get there. Absolutely. Just announce the leprosy rise. Yes. Fucking LA should do that right now. LA. Oh my God. Leprosy capital of the world. The exodus continues. I can't, I mean, listen, we got Ben Shapiro out of here, but like, I, I keep waiting for the actual exodus from California that everyone tells me is happening that I'm not seeing any evidence of at all. We need it. I, I really, anything that I can do to hasten that alone. Well, it's leprosy. Or two and including getting leprosy. Do the thing where you tuck your arm in your shirt, you know? Oh, it'll be fine. I got it in a commercial audition. If I started saying that, that you'd be able to see people. I got it at a Carl's Jr. commercial audition.

You'd see actors flooding Chicago. So Hawaii, the Hawaii paragraph goes on at the first symptoms of disease the patient is hurried off to Malachi, which he never again leaves. It is significant that on the death of a leper, the church bells ring as they would any other land to celebrate some festival. Hey, look, honey, a leper died. Every time a leper dies, an angel gets his wings. Every, every time the bell rings, a leper lost its arm. This is really more a leprosy article than a Hawaii article. It really is. I think that's a misleading headline. This is big leper doing it again. It's subversive. There's a half page ad for Webster's Dictionary. Tell me everything. It's every word they know now. Oh my God. Just big. Now is the time to supply

yourself with a fine dictionary at small cost. Attention is called to the superiority of this dictionary over the other reprint editions in market. Not only is it most complete. The other one has a bunch of bullshit non words in it. They're trying to make you dumber. Webster's is the only one that knows all the words containing nine distinct and valuable features not found in any either. But the clear white as I would love to hear some specifics at the nine advantages of this dictionary nine. You can actually get this room on half a page to get into each feature. Yeah. If you have them, I'd love to hear them. Strong, heavy, durable binding is in marked contrast with the dirty brittle wood pulp paper and flimsy binding of the cheaper editions.

So it's it's talking shit about other dictionaries. Yeah, for sure. Everybody knows that binding back. We got a quote from the New World New York World. It is printed from zinc plates splendidly bound much better bound than any dictionary that has ever been offered to the public at any price zinc plates. I'm catching up here for it has Oxford Teachers Bible sewing and a flexible back. I mean, this dictionary is no fucking joke. Sounds like a gymnast. Yeah. Okay. So it's so it's like well bound, which is a huge cell. I guess how else how else are you going to separate yourself from the Bibles? You can be like, Hey, we got words. No one else wants to put in there. Well, I guess the binding is probably important because if you had a

dictionary back then, it was probably like a fit. I mean, you were, you know, you were probably carrying it around with you everywhere. I mean, if your highlight of your week was a train fire, you know, you were probably like that. You probably expected a lot, but it's like an iPhone cover. You're not, you're not carrying around because it's eight and a half inches by 10 by 10 and a half inches and four inches thick. That can be carried around. You wear it around your neck. Yeah. Little house on the prairie shoulder bags. Yeah. Yeah. It's all that could fit in your carry around. Listen, if you don't want to carry around, just say you don't want to carry it around. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. 100% with Dave Holmes, the Dave Anthony is being really negative about

public dictionary. It contains every word that no Webster ever defined and 10,000 additional words. So what is that? It's extra. We got all the words, you know, and then 10,000 newbies. And then we've just kind of improvised. You ever heard of a flugger, Gargantone? Well, now you have. It's a cucumber. There's a, there's an ad here for old papers, old papers for sale at reporter office, 25 cents per hundred. That's like a whack garage. That's like when you, you know, that's like when you're, yeah, you're like putting stuff on eBay that just will never sell. I wonder. My finger cast. Well, now I got to go see how much this paper costs because that is really the key. So it's just old newspapers that you could read. Yeah. Just catch up. Be like, remember

when that train caught on fire? Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It does not say how much the paper you're reading costs right now. This paper has no price on it. Not a free paper. Well, no, I guess that the, I guess they could just change it based on demand. Wow. So it's, they have like, like lobster. They're like the market value of this paper today is two cents. Or it's just, you know, it could be ad driven, you know, the Webster. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Or maybe you just made an offer. I give you a nickel. Sure. Yeah. To kill lice on horses. Okay, I'm going to kill lice. I'm like, yeah, I like the break because I'm ready. I'm locked in now. To kill lice on horses at this season of the year, it is probably better to use Persian

insect powder by taking a powder blower and blow the powder blower and blow the powder well down into the hair of the horse. By the way, I call Charlie Shane the powder blower. Keep going. Over as many parts of the body as possible. Use it two or three times a week. If this does not succeed, you may have to clip the horse and then use the powder again. What does clip the horse mean? Sheer it, I assume. Oh, shave the horse and then shave it down. So you're just going to blow that powder again. Power blowing. I mean, it sounds different than it, but you're just basically, you know, like flame throwing powder all over your horse to get rid of lice. That's a good life. You're poisoning the outside of your horse. Right.

So if I could just summarize that article. To remove lice from horses, use horse lice remover. I mean, if you want to simplify it, yes. Yeah. Actually, Dave, when I hear yours, I'm way more confused. The first one, it was very, I like a winding riddle ad. I love it. Was it an ad? No, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a story. Yeah, it's a fine line. Okay. Okay. But I wonder if there were like horse lice powder deniers. You, oh man, there had to be. If this must have been a controversial story. You want lice. You want the lice on your horse. Lice is the best part of a pony.

A horse that's just starting out. I think we'll do two more. This is the international news, apparently. An extraordinary sentence was passed upon a murderer in new rip in Germany a couple weeks ago. The criminal was a, criminal was a working man who had murdered his two children and afterward mutilated them in a shocking manner. He was sentenced to undergo 14 years imprisonment of hard labor and at the end of that term to be executed. Wow. That's, well, that's a new, when is America going to do that? That actually sounds like something America would be really into. We're kind of close. Kind of is what we do. Yeah. We don't say you're going to linger in jail

forever and then we'll kill you. No, we just say we're going to incarcerate you. And then we're like, good news. You're a firefighter. How does that sound? That's crazy. That I, by the way, I would, if I, if that were the sentence, I would let the execution part be told in the 14th year. I would, I would be like, you're working towards your freedom. And then, then be like, so there's a B side. Remember how we said it was forever. You're forever free. It's just, uh, and by the way, you've worked off the kid murder. We just, that's totally, you're ready to go to heaven now. We've really, you have been cleansed a hundred percent. Uh, so, okay, final story. Uh, the Erie's old broad gauge, number 74, was regarded as the most

unlucky engine that ever ran on the road. It was used in the Susquahana yards and is said to have killed 39 persons, including four women and three children. In addition to this, 70 men were crippled by this engine. What in the fuck just happened? That's your job. What in the fuck just happened? That's all there is. That's the whole story. Okay. Come on. One more. Come on. One more time. It's gotta be, it sounds like it's either a, I thought it was a train engine. It sounds like a train engine. Okay. But then they said on the road, so is it a fire engine? No, it couldn't just be for fire trucks. Say it again. The Erie's old broad gauge, number 74. I mean, that's not a helpful start. Erie is a railroad. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So it's gotta be a train. All right. So it's a train

engine. Okay. Here we go. And three, two, one, we're back. The Erie's old broad gauge, number 74, was regarded as the most unlucky engine that ever ran on the road. It was used in the Susquahana. A misleading term. Go ahead. It was used in the Susquahana yards and is said to have killed 39 persons, including four women and three children. In addition to this, 70 men were crippled by this engine. Here's my deal in this year. I'm not doing trains. That's me. I'm like John Madden. I'm not just not doing them. I'll take wagons everywhere. Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's dialed in the train yet. And the engine here seems to have a lot of agency as opposed to the people who are driving this engine. Right. It's like the book Christine. It's like the Stephen King novel,

but it's a train. It's like Thomas the Tank engine, but very dark. And I want to see that, Thomas the Tank engine. Oh my God, we're on fire on a river. Thomas! Oh, dear. Thomas was dying in a river with people inside of him. Oh, shit. Well, that's a lot. I mean, that was quite a paper. Yeah, I was going to say that was a pretty dark paper. That was dark. Yeah, that one was dark. What did people do in 1893 while they died? A lot of dying. A lot of dying. A lot of dying and then watching people die and then dying from watching people die. And then poisoning dogs. The main cause of death in 1893 in this town was watching people die. Really would get you fucking killed. Dear Lord. Well, I mean, I feel like the paper, the good news is the paper was probably just as

informative to some extent back then. Dave Holmes. Thank you. An honor. A pleasure. I've learned nothing honestly. Well, I have a new zest for life now that I know how quickly and capriciously it can be taken from me. That's true. I know. And I can't believe I got to this age and I didn't know if there's a train accident. Don't rush towards it. I don't think that's a rule. I don't think that's a rule. You should have a safe distance. You should have a safe distance. It's the Gallagher rule. You got to sit back a couple of minutes. That's right. Tarple save you is the Gallagher rule, too. Yeah, I'm into it. Yeah, it's great to relive a great year with you, Dave. So thank you very much for coming on the podcast. For pleasure. Check Dave out on Esquire. You're always posting

great stuff. And then, yes, thank you. Dave Holmes on everything. Follow you there. Love you. Tell Ben I said hello, please. I hope he feels okay. And tell your dog that you're also a great guest. Thank you so much. We love you. Thank you, Dave. Bye. Bye.