The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 105 - The Past Times with Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

Dave Anthony picks a newspaper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds. This week they are joined by comedian Sarah Tiana Redbubble Merch

Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are going to share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm going to make him touch the Liberty Bell. It's going to be a whole thing. You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb.

And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb It's homey. It's not big. It's a good little energy And I think you know while I'm gone having people stay there good way to make a little extra money put towards some some gifts For people it's just kind of feels like a smart thing to do and it's really great because it's very flexible which fits my lifestyle So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca. We're going on tour and this is... It's been a while.

March 2025 is when our tour is happening. First of all, we're going to Tempe, Arizona, maybe our favorite city of all time. It's the best. That is on March 16th, and then we go to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Maybe our favorite city ever. We would never love to see. Truly the best city we've ever gone to. That's on March 17th. And then we go to Oklahoma City, which is. The best, our favorite, we often say that it's our number one. Yeah, it's our number one, the best city I've ever been to. That's on March 18th. On March 19th,. We're gonna be in Tulsa, Oklahoma Our favorite city without question and then we head to Dallas Texas on March 20 our favorite city

If you don't like it you're a Dal asshole Thank you And then we go to Houston Texas on March 20th which is by far the best city and then we end our tour in City which is by far the best city and then we end our tour in Austin Texas on March 22nd at the cap City Comedy Club The best in the entire world number one city in the world you can get tickets at dolloppodcast.com slash tour All right, everybody welcome to to the Past Times podcast. Each week we go through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked out by Dave

Anthony. I'm Gareth Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Sarah Tiana. Hi, Sarah. Hi, guys. Thank you for joining us. You're welcome. Happy to be here.

How's your mom? She's good. Does she still like our stuff? Hi guys. Thank you for joining us. You're welcome. Happy to be here. How's your mom? She's good. Does she still like our stuff? Oh yeah, she tells me before I tell her. You know, I'm like, you know, I don't want to, I want it to be kind of a surprise. And then I'm like, oh yeah, I'll tell her when I know it's coming out. And then she's always like, heard you on past times today. Where does like, where does she live? Georgia. Yeah, we gotta get out there, specifically for her.

She was the whole family excited about the Georgia win? Yes, yeah. Who means when Trump go on Georgia? It was a big day. Yeah, that's right. No, they weren't. But yes, Georgia Bulldogs, both overtime wins, which were extremely stressful. There was a lot of pacing.

The group chat was going off. You said a lot of pissing, to be clear. Pacing, you have a different. Pacing. Oh. The way you handle sports is different than other people, Gareth. When you get fired up, you all piss. So that's a you put a bucket in the room and everybody pisses in. Bad. Guys and gals. Sarah, you have a new podcast.

It's baseball based. Is that right? Now, my new podcast is just sports based with me and two other female comics. Who are the comics? I think I know some of them. Megan Gailey. Oh, great. So I called the sports pitches. It's called the sports pitches. That's inappropriate. That's a fact.

We're actually not allowed to say that name. And then wait, what was the other thing you were talking about? Yes, I have a new show on MLB Network called The Traveling Spaceship Show. Where me and my co-pilot Jax, who is a puppet, we can go to any game in the past. Sarah, what the fuck is going on right now? This is the best show ever. This is my sorry, sorry. You you have a

puppet, a great show. And it's and you're how did you get it? I get out of the spaceship gun to the puppet. How did you get into a spaceship? I that doesn't we don't really need to explain that. I mean, the backstory. Dave, if you really think about it, you do a time travel podcast with a puppet as well.

All right, Sarah, we're going to guess what year this paper's from. OK, you know the deal. I mean, who knows? You can go first. You go first. But any years we did a 2000. I think we did a 2000 one one so it could be up till then Mm-hmm. Well, that's a very it's like a very broad guess It's like I'm thinking of a number between one and a thousand, but that's always a really fun game I'm gonna say 1967

Interesting interesting interesting interesting Well played T Tiana. Why are you just killing time here? Quiet, Anthony. 1967 is interesting. I'm going to go. 1903. Oh, my God.

Sierra, Sierra, of course, Sierra, Sarah. Well, I call her Sierra. It's a. Inside joke. It the year is it's December 21st, 1903. Shut up. Sarah is the winner. I just. Nobody knows. It's the vibe. It's the vibe. It's the vibe.

You see why this vibe is bad. 1903, Sarah, thank you for playing and Dave. Fuck you. That'll teach you to cross me. Wow, that's crazy. What the fuck? I think I, you know, my son has now since I said my son is texting me about the PayPal,

not about the Fortnite class action, I've gotten now four texts from him. I imagine that lawsuit takes two weeks to turn around. And now, question mark. And yes, he did. He got $250. What dance do they do when they win? Yeah, that is a good question. Right. And are they legally clear to do it? Right. Well, OK, I'll send it and then we're done and then we're done, kid.

Yes. 250. OK. I mean, it's a podcast. All right. So it is the Indianapolis star. Oh, OK. Love it. Big fan. Love their work. I've read a lot of their papers. Is that right, sir? Big fan. Have you and your puppet ever gone to that time? 19? Big fan? Have you and your puppet ever gone to that time? Yeah.

1903. Yeah, have you and the puppet ever gone there? Sarah and I are on a nationwide newspaper discussion forum on a group on Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. There's also a great Reddit thread. Yep.

Yeah. Really good one. Yeah. Private. It's called 1903 and O great Reddit thread. Yep. Yeah. Really good one. Yeah. Yeah. Private. It's called 1903 and Outs. Yeah. Yep.

Pretty. Well, if the name wasn't so airtight, I'd be dubious. But then the name came to fruition quickly. All right. Yeah. 1903. Was baseball, baseball, I think was invented, but it wasn't a former former

why don't I know it was but by that time yeah they had professional leagues yeah yeah yeah oh yeah big time big time there are already turned on Dave you're really oh yeah no I'm just saying they had rivalries already we we did it we did an episode about we've done a couple of episodes about baseball in the 1890s? Yeah Yeah, so there was some crazy shit going on already. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they used to use their not Not MLB, but the the the precursor Yeah, you know what I mean? All right

So this is gonna be our Christmas episode. Oh So this is going to be our Christmas episode. Oh, how exciting. Oh my God. Christmas episode. It's very, very exciting. Do you want the first headline? These are things that were happening in Indianapolis in 1903 at Christmas. That's right.

Okay. The 21st. So it's, you know, just four days before Christmas. All right. First headline. No Christmas. Murder murdered wife and children. Straight to the point. So they weren't really concerned with children

seeing the paper or the headlines back then, I guess. Imagine being a child. Jesus Christ. Santa found dead. Wait, my wife and children? Yeah. Is this just one household won't be having Christmas that year? Maybe somebody did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. That's right.

Yeah, right. There was hell to pay. Yeah, Santa came down. All right. Yeah, daddy saw mommy. One very happy. And then it went further. The so there's like three headlines below it.

Awful deed of Cleveland machinist who saw Yuletide approach and no presence. What is ready for his family? It just feels like key words to like grab you to be like. But it's not so far. I still have no clue what's happening. Had played the ponies. Said special delivery letter to Fred, notifying him of intention. Yeah, sweet. Is that a letter to Christmasy?

OK, so is this is a gambling net? Let's see Roscoe Derby, a machinist and about 45 years old, murdered his. Oh, God, I like that they can't get his age oh this is all together i thought these were just other headlines no this is one guy this is one guy getting busy one guy getting busy i was like because you had me at hello and then you lost the machinist yeah right an approximate age 45ish we don't have time anyway the point is he's a dominican pitcher we don't really know we're not sure i don't know time. Anyway, the point is... He's a Dominican pitcher. We don't really know how... We're not sure. I don't know.

Just guessing. Cut him open. Count the rings. Murdered his entire family early today by shooting his wife, his three kids, and then himself. This is not... Dave, this is a comedy show. Happy Merry Christmas.

Happy Merry Christmas. So everyone dies? So? The crime is believed to have been due to despondency over the last few years. Happy Merry Christmas. Mappy? Happy Merry Christmas. Everyone does so? The crime is believed to have been due to despondency over the impoverishment of the family purse and the near approach of Christmas. Will you read the headline again? Sure.

No Christmas. Because I think the editor, yeah, see the editor was like, look, that huge murder suicide is it's good for a story. But can we Christmas it up? And they're like, yeah, sure. No Christmas. Everyone in that house is dead. Yeah. No Christmas. Murdered wife and child. It was cold blooded.

Yeah, it was. This is what Santa would have done had he been out of presence. Christmasing it up is kind of like how the reason people think Die Hard is a Christmas movie. That's great. An action movie that takes place at Christmas. It's like, well, if we add Christmas, there's stakes. If there's sleigh bells, it's a Christmas movie. I'm not going to do this with you again, Sarah.

I'm just like putting Christmas in the headlines. So like he was basically didn't have the money to buy gifts. And he said, I'll give myself a gift. I know how to take the pressure off of this holiday. Yeah, we won't exist. God, it's dark. It's dark. for this holiday. Yeah. We won't exist. Gosh. It's dark. It's dark.

A number of, I'll just cut to the end, a number of poo, because in between the end, it's just describing the murders. A number of pool room race checks. Poo? Were found, pool room race checks were found about. You're the guy who said poo. So drop the attitude.

You said poo, and then you're angry at us. Sarah and I are just making sure that. I said poo. So drop the attitude. You said poo and then you angry at us. Sarah and I are just making sure poo. Poo rooms, a bathroom. So. OK, you can sit there. Look at you. I heard cool. I heard poo too, Sarah. I agree. Go ahead, Dave. Huh? We're having one of these fun little

this is what podcasting is. A number of pool room race checks were found about the house showing that Derby had been trying his luck on betting. So he chose trying his luck. So he was a beginner gambler and then lost all the money. Yeah. For Christmas. And then was like, well, there's only one fix. It's like, well, no, no, there's only one fix. Oh, it's like

Well, no, no, there's several things. There's other fixes Yeah, that's what Santa is not just there for good times You can scapegoat him is the reason there's no gifts to be like, I don't know I guess we fucked up as a family this year Yeah And now why do you think coal was part of a stocking because that's like just what people had around I can't even afford the coal You also could kill your family and then just be like, said, it came down to the chimney. It's crazy.

Oh, my God. The Santa defense in 1903. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, no. And he was mocking us, laughing with his bowl full of jelly. He just. Oh, ho, oh.

Geez. As he's in the sleigh. You motherfucker. The first knowledge of the crime was communicated in a letter written by Derby to a friend who lived not far away and which was sent to him by special delivery. That is dark shit too. To send up to be to drop that letter up your shit is to get there. Okay, great. Merry Christmas friend. By the time you'll get this my family and I will be dead. Hey Hank.

It's me. This is a weird letter. Go to my house. We're all gone. Oh wait, did he kill himself too? Yeah, yeah. Took everybody's time.. Did he kill himself too? Yeah. Yeah. He killed himself too. Took everybody's out.

I wish he would have done that first. Right? He would have killed himself first and then gone for. Yeah. You go in the room, you gather your family around for, you know, the dinner and you go, this is your Christmas. And you pull the shotgun out and you just blow your brains out. Yeah.

Also, yeah. And then. Also. And then. Yay. Yay. the shotgun out he just blow your brains out yeah also yeah also yeah we didn't get you a gift either i got you overalls yeah i got you a gun case huh i guess yeah i guess you don't need that anymore i got you a hat here you go you won't be needing it's got two hands on it that clap if you pull a string. Sorry, your father's head exploded at supper. That's tough.

Yeah. Wow, what an opening. That's tough. Well, Merry Christmas. Divorced and married in 19 minutes. Wow, that's great. My dad did. Is this a new headline or is this what happened?

We're in the ad. OK, we're doing the ad. Yeah, this is the ad. OK. I'm just kidding. Sarah's genuinely like, oh, shit. Sorry. I don't know.

Yeah, if you want to get married after 19 minutes of divorce, use promo code dollop at checkout. OK, sorry, Dave. The quickest divorce and remarriage record ever made in Henry County was made Saturday in Circuit Court. It's a weird feeling. A divorce was granted to Amanda Fegley and 15 minutes later, across the street in the office of Squire Coons.

Oh, boy. Jesus Christ. I mean, change your name. I don't care what year it is. Coons. Oh, my God. King Rabbit. Legal name, not a nickname, right? I'm the Duke of Wreck. The Duchess of Possum will oversee the ceremony.

By the way, my misogyny showing, because in 1903, I just assumed this was a man doing the divorce marriage. But it's a it's a lady. Yeah, it is. I'm very for that. The great, great grandmother of Britney Spears, just like quickly getting a divorce, running on to the next one. I don't even remember the marriage.

In the office of Squire Coons, she was married to W.M. Flynn from the time the divorce was granted until the new knot was tied was only 19 minutes. So they were definitely like going for headlines. Yeah, I think so, right? Absolutely. This is like. Had to have been. Is this like Guinness Book of World Records?

Yeah, they're going for that moment. Yeah, feels like it. I'm for it. But this is probably. Hey, man, when you found the one, you found the one. Yeah. And I've got to hurry. It's not much time.

Back then, the Guinness Book was probably like, it was actually important. Like people like, wow, that's a lot of pickles. Whereas now they're just like, what's your thing? It's like nobody's ever held this many marbles in their hand. Like, man, it's not a lie. The longest toenails and can bounce a basketball for an hour. Yeah. So you're like, is there anyone?

They're like, no one's done that. You know, Don Barrett's at the Comedy Store. Yeah. So he's, you know, trying to break the record of the T-shirts. Yeah. So I think he's on 21 days. What do you mean? What do you mean t shirts? What does that mean? Yeah. T shirt every day. So I think he has like seven years left or something, but he's already been doing it for seven. A lot of pressure. And he has to keep track of it. You know, I'm like, that's a lot of what about And he has to keep track of it, you know? I'm like, that's a lot of work.

What about doing something interesting with your life? He did that too. I can't imagine even being that driven to do anything in my life. A new t-shirt every day, this is such a comedian gripe to be like, that's a lot of work. It's a lot of work.

A new t-shirt every day. I would forget one day. How does he have- By the way, Luke who's like involved in our dollop world, Sarah, he basically does that without trying. Yeah, by accident. Every day I'm like, what is that? He's like, it's like a cookbook for the Unabomber. I'm like, all right, we're going into a chef round.

I would actually like that. Yeah. It's based on a real one. Okay. So is he taking a picture of himself every day? Yes. Yes, he's taking a picture with a time stamp in it. And then he has to double check that he's not accidentally wearing the same one.

Are we pretending like the Guinness Book of World Records is actually going to check up on this shit? He probably initiated the start, I would assume. You would assume? OK, never mind. That's going to be a fucking bummer when it's 14 years of new shirts. And they're like, oh, well, you did you feel? Can we see the first form? You're like, the first form?

Sorry, you ran out of iCloud space two years ago. Oh, my God, that's even worse. Well, just start over. What is another 14 years of t-shirts? I mean, just like keeping them in the house and like making sure that you're like, cause it's like, you can't even really get rid of them. Cause you have to have them as also a backup. I think they have storage units full of the old ones.

What? I know. What are we doing? Yeah. Support the guy. It's not. What about writing bits? Yeah.

No time for that. I'm logging t-shirts. Good Lord. You're ordering new shirts. Meanwhile, Bert, Bert Kreischer's over there. No shirt for two years! I'm your opposite. Long engaged but have never met.

Wabosh girl and Purdue student to wed Thursday, culminating unique romance. Next Thursday evening, Miss. That's Christmas Eve. Miss Bertha Hoff, a pretty young woman. Man, if you're Bertha Hoff, it's tough. It's a tough one. You have to write in the pretty so people might think that it's true. You have to put that. Don't forget that I'm pretty.

Bertha, you're hurting me. Marla Hoot shows up. Hello. OK, you said she was pretty. A pretty young woman of Bourbon. She's from Bourbon. I was too, technically. It's a it's a town.

Actually, that should be on my headstone when I die. A pretty young woman of Bourbon. Yeah, you kind of are from Bourbon. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm definitely at least 98% bourbon on the outside. Bourbon. My parents fucked during a blackout, and then they had me. I'm from Bourbon. Hey, don't knock it. And theater, Yager of South Chicago will be married at the home of the former.

Another name? Although the pair have never, although the pair have been engaged for three years, they have never seen each other and their acquaintance exists only through a regular correspondence and the exchange of photographs. I mean, this is 1903. This makes so much more sense. Does it? Yeah.

But they definitely, by now, have sent pictures of each other. They live. I mean, in today's drive, that's like 2 and 1 A hours. They can easily, it's three years. It's 1903. Even if you're taking a horse, you can get there. It's a long time. No. It's not03, even if you're taking a horse, you can get there. It's a long time. No, it's not a long time.

That's why people stayed married for so long, when they were first married in the 1800s, because there's just no options. No. This is my option. It says here in the paper that she's pretty, so I'm taking my commitment. I agree. I've seen her photograph.

She's hotter than all eight women in town. The paper of record says she's a keeper. So then you're like alright well I'll just make it. This could be the first catfish. It could be. That's what I'm thinking like she could be signing pictures of anybody to him. I'm a pretty Bertha. All the pictures are from 150 feet away.

Sort of, Sue. She looks pretty to me. Oh, that's just for some. Oh, well, OK. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. I like that we're making her seem like the ugly one, but he could be a troll. Her name is Bertha. Yeah, he might not be.

I mean, he can't be a great, he can't be a great thing. He's a Jaeger. He's from the Jaeger fortune, you know. Yeah, he's one of the famous Jaegers. Anyone want some cough syrup for an aperitif? Or you have to drink a lot of Jaeger to think he's attractive. That could be the other. Oh yeah.

I'm not going to sit here and have a shit on the man in the story. I know. I don't understand why a girl from Bourbon would marry a Jaeger. Listen, a Bourbon woman marry a Jaeger. That's where I draw the line. These are liquor, Capulets, and Montagues. Don't even get me started on Goldschlager. He's a real f***ing a**.

Hello! He's just dribbling gold pieces. Woo! Geez, I was drinking that. Have a little minute, that's edible. I was engaged to a Goldschlager once and he left me for a man on Broadway. Goldschlager, imagine the Goldschlager family. That day when they came up with Goldschlager, they're like, pretty good.

And then there was one guy like, I've got a bit of a wild idea. I think we've already got the labels printed up. Hear me out. What about if tinsel met gold bars? What do you want to do with it? Put it in there. What? Put it in. Are you insane? Yes. What is it metal? It tastes like cinnamon. Yes, yes, yes. The cinnamon will have gold chunks in it and it will all drink the gold down. Will we die? Yes, we'll maybe die. We'll all die in pursuit of the most fancy beverage of all time.

And it will cost $25 a bottle. It's a huge loss for us. Obsessed with gold. I mean, it's like, it's maybe it's like Trump's ancestors, which is like bad luck. It's called goldschlager. It's what my toilet looks like after I eat. Come on.

So here we are. Didn't mean to bring them down. Yeah, sorry. Okay. Five years ago, Jaeger was a student at Purdue. He had a roommate who corresponded with Miss Hoff and Jaeger made a wager he could write to her and get a reply. Wait, so he totally moved on another dude's... Girl? Yeah. And she was just like,

does she know that it's a different guy? I wonder. She might think they're not even, they don't even know each other. He's just randomly sending a... So in this story, this guy randomly sends a letter. Yes. Yeah, I'm a taken woman. Yeah. So in 1903, you randomly get a letter from a dude. Yeah.

Hey, I heard about you. Yep. Like that. How does it work? I can't believe that's the guy that wasn't killed on Christmas moving in on somebody else's lady in 1903. It is weird to get a letter and be like, hmm, let's see where this goes. Sure.

I know. It's like, isn't this how old people get tricked out of $50,000? Absolutely. Yes. And then it works. Hey, I'm a prince in Nigeria. Oh, okay. Yeah.

What did Yeager say? Come to. Well, he did so, and the correspondence thus began thus begun was carried on vigorously until three years since when Yeager proposed. Yeager does not explain why he never called upon Mishof, but as each was satisfied with references that both had at hand, the wedding was arranged without a meeting. That is the craziest fucking letter to write. Like, look, I don't want to see him out of line. You want to get married?

Should we get married? It's this there. I would love to know how this worked out. I would love to know. Yeah, I'll bet it. Right. Yeah, I bet it worked out. I would love to know. Yeah. I'll bet it worked out. Right? Yeah, I bet it worked out. If anyone listening is related to this couple.

I bet it worked out because A, it's 1903. The options, like we were saying, are so limited. And they probably wrote really long letters and got to know each other. And then divorce is harder. It probably, it's just a lot I mean they're like we were saying you're it's not like you're you know, you know, your surroundings what you got You know, you're not again. You didn't have access to the world

Yeah, you didn't have access to the world and also like it felt like back then people like worked Yeah, really? Out like they never saw each they were tired Yeah. Really long hours. Like they never saw each other. They were tired. And it's not to say that it was good, it just didn't end. Like you see old people, you're like, man, this seems brutal.

They're like, hey, I need someone to help grab stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's rather tall. He could get me a can of beans off the top shelf. I think I found a keeper. You're like, what?

Yeah. She cleans the bathtub. I can grab stuff. It's just, we're pot committed. We're pot committed. It's over. Yeah. Life's over.

What did Dave, are you finding it, Dave? Well, I found something really weird. I found a Bertha Huff who was born Bertha Jager. Whoa, whoa, what? So it's the opposite. Wait, no, Bertha Huff. So that would be could that be the daughter of these two? She was a Bertha Jager.

No, because no, because no, she's she's 25 at the at this point. So that's definitely why are you looking this up? Yeah, that's weird. I have access to everybody instantly. Dave has the CSI technology, but we just use it for a podcast. Yes, she showed up in CODIS. Yeah.

Like, oh, you have CODIS? Yeah, oh yeah. You have a fingerprint database on your computer. We actually have a PI on the show. Just in case anybody asks a question like that. We use it like three times a year. His salary is enormous. And every time we see him, he's in a different t-shirt.

So he's giving Don Barrett a run for his money. Jeez, three times a year. Yeah, I guess it's like, it's really fascinating to me like how relationships back then were just so much simpler. It was like, you didn't, but I think a big part of it too was like, you didn't know how many other beautiful options were out there.

That was it. You've never met somebody that you really bonded with. And if you wanted to communicate, it was like landline or letter. That was it. But also in a letter, you can emote, just like you can in an email, where you're like, God, they were so mad in that email.

It's like, no, you were mad when you were reading it. So it's like, if you're in like, think this girl is beautiful and like really interesting when you're reading it Everything's gonna sound beautiful and interesting to you because you're just genuinely excited to get that she shows up and she's like I just saw a big fence You got no idea how big this fence was that we just saw You're like, oh, okay cool. And she's like, I don't know. I sure do got a lot of dirt under my fingernails. I'm all embarrassed. But at least you love me for me. This fan said so many posts.

It's like, it's like the two different versions. You know, when you hear Adele sing, it's like the most beautiful sound in the world. But then when you hear her talk, she's like, thank you so much. in the world, but then when you hear her talk, she's like, thank you so much. You're like, where did that come from? The voice of an angel. What do you call yourself? Well, I'm like a dead lot, you know what it is?

Sorry? Uh, fuck you. You know what it is? That was like the first time I saw, like, heard Beckham, like David Beckham talk, like I was like, man, this guy's amazing at soccer. And then he got up there, he's like, but you know, it's not really like that.

It's like when you're out on the field you really try quite difficultly and it's not that easy but the line judge he's come after me all the time no no no no I don't want a newspaper and get away from me yeah I've had a really good game again that's I'm just imagining them reading each other's letters thinking the other one is going to be like the key to all their dreams. Shows up after a three hour carriage ride. We just saw a horse take a huge dump.

He's crazy. I don't know what that horse was eating. Yeah. Well, he came to her house though, so they were getting married at her house. So that means her house must have so they're getting married at her house. Yeah. So that means her house must have been nicer. Nicer. Yeah.

I don't know. Nicer probably. But how do you even propose in a letter? That's what I'm saying. It would be like, enclosed is a ring. Will you marry me? Check yes or no. That was back when nobody opened the mail.

Yeah, right. It wouldn't get stolen. My mother sent me a card for my birthday and it opened up a very crazy conversation when I didn't get it because I think she put $20 in it, which I was like, not necessary, obviously. And she goes, well, they probably put it through the machine where they could see there was money in it. And I go, what? I go, what machine? What machine? She goes, well, there's a thing where they could put it through and they see

what's in it and they take the money. I was like, what? Who's they? I was like, this machine that they $20 at a time pays for itself. Sure. You mean the company that's going out of business has the most high tech technology that we have not seen. Hold on, open that one. I think I saw a fin. Yeah. Oh, shit. Well. Oh, all right. All right. Jaeger and Bourbon. That was a good one. Back together. I wish I could find out more. I've had Jaeger and Bourbon together and they don't go great. I'll be honest. They do when it's your fifth drink.

You mean Jäger-Berbin. So is the fifth marriage, it would go together great. Anybody want some little confetti sprinkled in that? Go slogger, get the fuck out of here. Go slogger. Gosh. Every party could be a little more interesting. Oh, gosh. Every party could be a little more interesting, don't you think?

Ha ha ha. Am I the only one who at the end of some Rumpelmint thinks, boy, I wish I was chewing a bit of gold? I can't tell if you're doing an original character or just Truman Capote. Ha ha ha. It's original, but everything's stolen, isn't it, Vera? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah. Everything's stolen, isn't it? Yeah, everything's stolen, like $20 from people who can see in a machine. No, they pulled it through the birthday machine. Every card goes through the birthday machine and then they take it. You don't know that. Yeah. You know when back a long time ago when you'd send money in the mail, you'd put a little piece of cardboard in there with it so people couldn't see it. So then you guess what you do.

Anytime there's cardboard in a letter, you open it. I know, yes, absolutely. You're supposed to put it inside, because people would just straight up put cash in an envelope with nothing around it. Yeah, right. Seal it. It's like, those were the days.

That was the best Kidding me. I was like a king back then Another goldschlag around me. I've had a pretty good day on the streets boys Yes, a flashlight in a dream and here we are Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are going to share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm going to make him touch the Liberty Bell.

It's going to be a whole thing. You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb. And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb. It's homey. It's not big. It's a good little energy. And I think, you know, while I'm gone, having people stay there, good way to make a little extra money, put towards some gifts for people. It just kind of feels like a smart thing to do. And it's really great because it's very flexible, which fits my lifestyle. So let your place earn a little cash while you're away. Your home might be worth more than you think.

Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. Oh, another Bertha story, a different Bertha. Very popular name. A backup Bertha. Second Bertha. Bertha 2, fights in defense of mother's name. I was staying by it. Miss Bertha Glass attacks another girl because of slurring remarks and combat taking on true

feminine tactics. Here we go. And combat or with combat taking on. And, sorry, the combat taking on true. So they're fighting, they're fighting like women. Fighting like ladies. Let's see what that is. Can't wait.

Can we? I'm guessing it's pulling hair. Hair pulling. Yes, it's got to be right. It's got to be pulling hair and scratching feathers coming out of nowhere. Just reminding you about all of the chores you haven't finished. Just want to remind you a real nag fight. Boa strangling. Oh, no, she's got her in a half shawl. Not Boa strangling.

That's Goldschlager's moves. Yeah, that's Goldschlager stuff. Oh, take a sip or you'll pay the consequences. OK, I'm sorry. Go, Dave, go. Um, this starts with a quote. You old thing, I'll pull your hair. Don't you stand up there and say mean things about my stepmother, said pretty Miss Birth of Glass yesterday morning,

just before she attacked another girl employed in the clay pool laundry. Yes, the clay pool laundry. I've been waiting for them to be mentioned. It's my favorite business. Claypool Laundry. Yes, the Claypool Laundry. I've been waiting for them to be mentioned. It's my favorite business. Sarah, we're doing the ads again, I'm sorry. Claypool Laundry, listen, the turnaround's unbelievable. These women are doing hell of a work back there.

Try promo code TheDollop at checkout, get half off your sheets. And remember, if it comes with ladies splattered blood on it, it's free. That's right. Yes. Wow. So this is a this is what I picture in the 1900s. Everybody was washing everything in big factories. Yes. And these women went at it. Yeah. And then it's also the second Bertha that's needed.

The adjective of pretty. Yeah. Very clear. Yeah, you can't you can't just have you can't just have Bertha that's needed, the adjective of pretty. Pretty. Yeah, being very clear. Yeah, you can't just have Bertha out there with no attached description. Yeah. Yeah. The two girls work side by side at the place an ill feeling has existed between them for some time.

The climax came yesterday when the two engaged in a fight truly characteristic of the feminine sex. They pulled each other's hair and clothing and mean thing and said mean things and struck wild blows. Ooh, wild blows, which is like, means they didn't put their dupes up for just. Yeah, it was like swinging wild.

Look at these women. You gotta make contact, Sally. When they were both compelled to stop from exhaustion, they were sites to behold. Miss Glass says the girl with whom she fought made false accusations against her stepmother and the fistic defense followed. Wow. Fistic. Miss Miss Tilly Langler, 19 years old, of 1118 Bates Street was arrested,

together with Miss Glass. Tilly, why'd you do it? Tilly, what's your plan? Tilly, what's your home address? Being accused of profanity. Oh. Wow. I love that. You could be accused of profanity. Oh, I love that. You could be accused of profanity. Oh, yeah. Back then.

Yeah. I would have gotten a life sentence. You would have been fucked. Yeah, I'd be fucked. It is charged that she swore at Miss Glass's adversary in a manner shockingly unbecoming. She is the C word. Wow.

Well, I mean, I'm sorry, but if you're working in at the clay pool laundry, shit's going to get said. It's just going to get said. The language standard for women was much different than that. You know, you'd be like, you fucking jack off. They'd be like, you fucking jack off. They'd be like, Tom's one of the funniest guys you're ever gonna meet.

But Tilly's like, you bitch. And they're like, Tilly, Tilly, Tilly, shout it in your pillow when you get home if you feel it. Those ladies in a laundry, they've seen some shit and probably like literal shit because it's probably been on the clothing and the sheets dropping it off. Yeah. I'm sorry. I pooped all over these. So but she said something bad about her mom.

Yeah. She hit it with the mom stuff. Yeah. Like then that was like the line too far. Like, don't talk about my mama. Your mom's my stepmom step, my stepmom. Stepmom. Ah. Stepmom. Not even a real mom. The reporter sounded like he was writing it

with a little bit of like eroticism too. Well, you gotta, like every guy reading the paper's like, ooh, two ladies fighting. Well, I'm gonna go take a whack break. Jim gave me my bottle of Goldschlager. I'm about to read about two ladies going at it. How are our profits? Has anyone seen the numbers? Wow. schlager through the roof, huh? Looks like somebody's gonna eat a lot of gold and them words.

It says right here that she's pretty. she's pretty. And I know that the press don't lie. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. A pretty Bertha and a Tilly. All right. I think I found my afternoon.

I think I know where I'm going for my afternoon, Jack. All right, boys. Take a quick Jack break and then let's get back to work. Thanks, boss. Then let's keep going through these birthday letters. Wow. I can't even. Yeah. Talking about your mom, I guess that was something. That was fighting words back then. Stepmom is weird, but yeah. Yeah. Have you ever been in a fistfight, Sarah? I've never been in a fistfight. I've never been in a fistfight. You never been in a fistfight?

I did. I did get slapped by a girl in fourth grade once. Her name was Kim Slaughter and yeah, terrifying. She had like short red hair, you know, so she was already over one, you know, yeah, pretty as they put in the paper. And she she cornered me in the bathroom and she was like, I heard you been talking about me. I hadn't been talking about you. And then she slapped me in the face. And then my instinct, I just like slapped her back. Good.

She never bothered me again. Yeah, good for you. That's how you do it. That's amazing. Pretty much heard you've been talking shit. Slap someone. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Just like fourth grade cornered me in the bathroom.

And I was definitely afraid of it. Like she was always like rude or mean. And I'm like, Sarah, sounds like you were maybe talking a little shit. No, I am. She can't hurt me. She thought she did. Sarah, she's behind you. Yeah. She can't hurt me now. She's in, Sarah, she's behind you. Oh man. Do you ever have dreams about Red?

Do you ever think about Red? Does that come in your mind? No. I think about the name Kim Slaughter. Like that's a really good name for a character. That is, yes. Yeah, it is. In a movie or something.

So maybe I'll repurpose that. But yeah, that's, have you guys been in fights? Oh something. So maybe I'll repurpose that. But yeah, that's have you guys been in fights? Oh, yeah. There was a lot more fighting when I was growing up, like we had fights all the time. Dave grew up in 1930s Brooklyn. I did. Yeah, I did. But my kids never been in a fight and he's 15 and he's almost 16. Now you're bullying online back then.

Yeah, we used to. And yeah, when I would go. Now you're bullying online. Back then, we used to, in England, when I would go drinking in England back in the day, the bars closed at 11. And it was like, that culture with that closing time was disastrous in the streets. So people would, like, so the last, when they'd call last call, people would go up to me like,

I'll have five Jack Daniels, four parts ofger and then and then you see you'd have your buzz your buzz would go from a buzz to just like hammered people pour into the streets and then it would just be fucking mayhem and I saw some shit or I was always trying to avoid it but it was like cartoon brawls where it'd just be a you know like dust cloud of fisk flying and you'd eventually get dragged in and be like ah if you're getting punched in the head you're like I have to try to stop this. I actually don't have a problem with any of it I'm just like I always liked that men like worked their shit out by like just punching you and I always feel like so many of these

like jackasses that I see nowadays I feel like so many of these like jackasses that I see nowadays, I'm like, well, you've never been punched in the face and that's why you act like an asshole. I've never been punched in the face. It's a lot easier to be a dickhead online than it is in person. And so there's a lot, it's a lot easier

to just be a total jack off like online. And then someone's just like, what's up, asshole? I heard you were talking shit about me in the fourth grade bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. That's easier. Then slaughter's slapping you. You get the slaughter slap.

Get the slaughter slap. Yeah. That's the title of the next article. Yeah. The slaughtered article. We're still on page one. This is out of the realm. Sorry.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is foreign news. This. Sorry. Yeah. Ha ha. It's not your fault. This is foreign news. This is important. Oh, good. Ah. I mean bad news.

Yeah. Loved same youth, said one must die. Wait, loved same youth? Uh-huh. Said one must die. So this is a London paper writing about Russia. The St. Petersburg correspondent of the Daily Express sends the account of a tragic affair

that has occurred in the students' quarters of the Russian capital, the principals being two girl students. So this is just like you and- Yeah, slaughter. You and slaughter, yeah. One of the girls made the acquaintance of a young man of good family

and became secretly engaged to him. Shortly afterwards, she introduced her fiance to another girl, an intimate friend of her own. At this point, the tragedy began for the fickle lover immediately fell deeply in love with his fiance's friend. Such a non-controversial story, really. Why does this have to come from Russia? This couldn't come from Indianapolis. You're going to hear crazy story with many twists and turns. Man engaged meets other woman likes better. You've never heard anything so bizarre.

I mean, that's not the end of the story. Okay. Wait, was the girl British or was she Russian? No, they're both Russian. Yeah, this is just the London London being like, we've got a bit of shit. There's nothing going on in London. Yeah, I'm like, wasn't there a serial killer going around? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put that aside. Two women, one man. Listen. You're not going to believe this. The girls, true to their friendship, had no secrets from one another, and the newcomer confided to the betrothed girl the fact that she and the young man were in love. The two girls were in despair and at length determined that the death of one of them offered the only solution of the difficulty.

There we go. Now we got a story. Oh, one must die. So I'm like, if this takes place in France, they just all three stay together. Yeah, yeah. But it's Russia and they're like, we're going to play a fun little game of Roulette. Yeah, one has to fight Polar Bear. There's only one answer. Yeah.

The French version's great. Cool, let's get the fourth. What's the issue? Come on, you got any other friends? I got one big cock and a lot of punching to do. Let's get the fourth. What's the issue? Come on. You got any other friends? I got one big cock and a lot of punch in the door. Let's go. They accordingly resolved on fighting what the Russians call an American duel. Wow.

I can't believe we took their roulette and they're taking our door. Own your shit nations. Well, this sounds more OK. So locking themselves in a room with a revolver, they drew lots. And if they do Russian roulette, they're like, it's called American Duel. No, no, no, that that's Russian roulette. No, we'll let this game one ball. What do you speak? What?

Well, that's kind of what this sounds like. So it fell out that the betrothed girl had to shoot her friend. The latter stood calmly, awaiting of the girl who held the revolver. But the latter, yielding to a sudden impulse, turned the weapon against her own breast and fired. The shot was fatal. And bleeding from a terrible wound, the girl fell dead to the floor. Holy shit.

Chest shot. Chest shot. She shot herself in the chest. She's like, study me for CTE. Yeah. How? Huh? Well, I guess. I think this is murder. I think this is murder. I think it's murder.

At the site, the girl whose life had been spared, snatched the revolver and attempted to commit suicide, but her trembling hand was incapable of properly directing the shot and she only wounded herself slightly. This is murder. She fucking murdered her. I agree. By the way, I like the way you said it the first time, like an Agatha Christie investigator. This is murder. She fucking murdered her. I agree. By the way, I like the way you said it the first time like an Agatha Christie investigator. This is murder.

Yeah, it is a very good like reason to be like she shot herself in the chest. Yeah. You know how people do it. Yeah, super easy. Right? Who's got music going on? Oh, someone's got a gardener. Oh, yeah. There's one next door. Yeah, that happens. Sorry. It's got music going on. Oh, someone's got a gardener. Oh, yeah, there's one next door.

Yeah, that happens. Sorry. It's L.A. What are you going to do? Her courage giving away. She knelt in despair by the corpse of a friend crying bitterly. And in this position, she was found by her neighbors who, on hearing the shots, broke into the room. Yeah, she killed her. Yeah, come on. She killed her.

She killed it. It's always that when, you know, and then people like like the great give themselves a graze wound in the leg like Tried to kill me too. I gotta go big for that one, too. She's gonna do it Really gotta do a big you can't just be like he hit my hand Guys still want to be with either of them Yeah, right he goes well, I feel like, uh. Yeah, right. He goes, well, I guess you really like me. You know, I was just kind of thinking it was like a summer flings.

This is kind of, you know, it's a lot. Yeah. And France, it's to be like, pick up the body. Let's do it. Yeah. Now we have one less person to wait in bread line for us. Sarah, how old is your how old is your son? Four.

This is perfect. Okay. Boy miners can toil on Pittsburgh. Judge John Schaeffer declared void and unconstitutional the Act of May 13th, 1903, regulating the employment of boys in mines. Wow. Frank, this is so, this is so America. That's what you meant by minor.

Yeah, it's- You're like a literal minor. Took me a minute to, I was like, you cannot let four-year-olds work in mines. That's what this is. It is, it's a minor- How's we gonna eat? Very good point.

Now what's he gonna do with them legs? Just walk around doing no work. He just got all just all covered in soot coughing. Give me a beer. How about a healthy beer? You're four. Shut up. Frank Schult was charged as a mine foreman of employing boys under 16 years of age in an Allegheny County mine.

Judge Schaeffer said, it seems to us that the Act of May 13th, 1903 is void for the reason that it seeks to amend two Acts of Assembly by one Act for the further reason that its title is misleading and that it declares it to be the intention of the legislature to amend a section of an act which is not in the act itself. The indictment is therefore quashed. Just say you want kids to work. That's why Judge Greg Mathis is the greatest judge of all time. You get it. When he talks, you know, what was all that legal stuff? He's like, you can't do that. What's he talking about? Yeah. I mean,, he was saying I came up with a bullshit reason for kids to still work.

Yeah. It's Joe Manchin is like, this is awesome. Yeah. This is the Joe Manchin bill. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, geez. Kids in a mine. Right. It's coming back. Great. It's coming back. Yeah. It's coming back. No, they already are. They're like, they're already just like, how old are you? And they're like, four.

And he's like, you're cutting fish in a factory? He's like, yeah. Is that weird? Yeah, they keep finding kids working at just big companies, not little companies. His tiny hands can get in on the conveyor belt and tickle him. That's why we needed an eight-year-old.

Yeah. Don't send a man to do a boy's job. The best thing, they have 12-year-olds working the overnight shift. Yeah, kids should be working overnight. Yeah. Don't send a man to do a boy's job. The best thing they have 12 year olds working the overnight shift. Yeah. Good kids should be working overnight. Yeah, for sure. Hey, just got to flip your schedule. After work, eat French toast sticks, play with my dinosaurs and then go to bed.

I get up when it's dark. It's easy. So imagine like no screen time for you. You only worked eight hours today. No, we have a 12 hour day house. It's easy. Just imagine like no screen time for you. You only worked eight hours today. Oh, come on. No. No, we have a 12 hour a day house. Come on, Twitter.

You know it. Well, mom, why don't you work? Well, these aren't questions you need to be asking yourself. Because someone's got to put bologna between your bread for breakfast. Because I'm on disability and that checks bigger unemployment. Because I'm on a lot of Oxycontin cause the government found a different way to fuck me. I can't walk because I think I live in a cloud. Okay?

I tried to peel my hand off last night cause I thought it was an orange. I'm high as shit right now, boy. Here's a good here's a fun Christmas headline. Pickets prevent public funerals. Wow. Pickets prevent. Yep. Good alliteration. Many bodies placed in undertakers vaults to avoid attacks by striking drivers. OK, this is a Chicago shrinking from the espionage. Espionage, fuck you.

Shrinking from the espionage of union pickets and fearful that funeral parties would be attacked by the striking livery drivers. Many Chicago families have refrained from publicly announcing their bereavements. Wow. We got it. Right. Because they'll get run over? I'm sorry. Because they won't, no one will drive the cars if they drive the bodies themselves, then it's scabbing.

Oh, because the hearse drivers are on strike? Oh, I didn't know that there were, there used to be many that that was just like a job. A union. It wasn't like you own the funeral home and then you're also the driver. I only do one body per car now. You guys. Unbelievable. On the other on the other hand, pay the fucking drivers. I mean, that's what I'm seeing here. Yeah.

In the vaults of several undertakers lie the bodies of persons about whose death, the greatest secrecy is maintained and whose funerals will be postponed until after the settlement of the strike. Oh, that's fine. I'm like, that is fine. That was like during 2020 when people were doing online funerals. Yeah. Yeah. You don't need to rush. Yeah. You don't need to rush a body in the ground.

Refrigeration. No, they had. I'm sure they had ice. It was a bit stinky, but that's leverage. I mean, you know, it's a box. You know what? Whatever happens in the box, it's fine. Look, the stink stays.

There's not a lot of wind here. It's December in Chicago. It's fine. Oh, yeah. Then it is fine, actually. It's easy in Chicago. It's fine. Oh, yeah. Then it is fine, actually. It's easy. Yeah, yeah.

Just pay the drivers. Move on. Yeah. And if I may, I don't know if we need to do 30 cars with hazards on, in my opinion. You'll get there when you get there. It's just everyone put it in ways. You'll meet up there. It's a bit of a show.

You know what I mean? In other cases, the stricken relatives have arranged for evening funerals and private burials of which no announcement is made. Shhh. Toss it, toss it. The disgraced scenes that attended several funerals held Saturday when union pickets attempted to interfere with the removal of the bodies have led the health department officials to sanction the secrecy that is being preserved. The undertakers have been informed that unless public safety demands it, burials will not be insisted on until such a time as funeral parties shall be safe from molestation. Funeral parties.

I mean, the words could have been a little better here. This is a party. Leave your uncle alone. Yeah. You ever get an invitation to a party, like, and it ends up being a secret wedding? You imagine getting an invitation. It's like, hey, everybody, meet at Jones at, you know,

5 o'clock and then it's a secret funeral. It's a funeral. It's a funeral. It's a funeral. You got a big party, Sub? They're gonna love this. Ralph's dead. What? Oh, I thought it was. I thought it was.

I just forgot his birthday. That's a relief because I didn't want him to be mad at me. Who wants cake? You've gone to a secret wedding? I have gone to a secret wedding. I have gone to a secret wedding. That's fucking I would be like, God damn it. I would be furious. They were older, you know, my agent, it was my agent. She was like 50. Yeah. And she was like, come over for a party. And then and then like, how far into the party are they like, well, we got news. It was, they waited till everybody got

there. Yeah. And then like, you know, like one of the caterers or somebody was like, well, we've got news. It was, they waited until everybody got there. And then like, you know, like one of the caterers or somebody was like, hey, everybody go meet in the front for the cake or something. I'd be like, this caterer is out of line. I'll do what I like caterer. And the vodka you've been drinking is actually got some gold and tinsel in it.

God, this guy, he drops from the ceiling, goalslugger. It's actually got some golden tipsle in it. This guy, he drops from the, he drops from the ceiling. Goldschlager, you ruined the roof. I'm covered in asbestos. I just can't stop laughing at a secret funeral. Like a surprise. Everybody meet up front. What is that? Look, George drowned two weeks ago.

We wanted to do it last weekend, but nobody could make it. So we had to wait another week. He was he was swimming at a party drunk and he had his head and he drowned. So surprise. Hey, Hey. Surprise. Alright. Don, you're gonna eulogize him. What? What? Just like an improvised funeral is so funny to me. Yeah, yeah. Alright, we should dig and then let's do the ceremony? Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Fuck. You're like, wait, this is happening at my, you're gonna bury him at my house? Yeah.

We didn't tell you? Surprise. Yeah. Here's the tombstone from Bourbon. Although I'm calling bullshit on that story, I think it's just made up. Oh. Yeah, to undermine the strikers,

I think they just made that show up. Yeah, that's possible. I was telling someone today about the Benjamin Franklin story. We did three parts on Benjamin Franklin just now. Sarah, your mother knows. And there's this thing where he's negotiating with the King of England, the King George, and he created this fake edition of a real paper that said that King George had a deal with the Native Americans to get 700 scalps including women and children and he like showed it to King George and King George like Jesus Christ

That's not true. And Ben was like, it's in the it's in the paper. So it's not a good look for you my man It was like great leverage Wow Wow Ben F like great leverage. Wow. Good stuff. Yeah. Wow. Ben F. OK, so let's end it with there are four pages of letters from readers who are helping out the Christmas fund, but also asking for gifts. OK. Santa. Dear Santa, I am a little girl, nine years old.

I would like for you to bring me a jointed doll, two feet high and a bed for it and a chair, two picture books, some candy and nuts and a pair of warm mittens. And I want a bracelet with hearts on it too. I enclosed 20 cents for the poor children. Guess who that's from? Birth Melania. Trump Melania did Santa. She's creamy.

I am captive. Bertha? Is it from Bertha really? Yeah. It doesn't say. It says Bertha? Bertha. Yeah.

A lot of Berthas. 1903. Yeah. Yeah, terribly. Was there like a famous Bertha that everyone was named after? Maybe. Yeah, I bet there was. Yeah.

Big Bertha. It's the only Bertha I even know. I think it's the only famous one. That's what is a jointed doll. Is that like one? I bet. Yeah, I bet the first dolls just had straight arms and now there's a doll of joints. I'm having trouble sleeping again. Blow your candle out. Look at your doll. But her arms won't go down, she's Frankensteining. Dear Santa, I just want a doll whose arms lower

and eyes closed. Yeah, I would just like a doll that doesn't give me nightmares. Jesus Christ, morning. I'm willing to tell my dad to end the funeral driver's strike so we can bury this fucking doll. Yeah, I put her in plank. When I go to bed, I just put her in plank.

Dear Santa, I have been a good boy all this year. I want you to fetch me some toys. I want a little horse. Yeah. I want a little horse and wagon and a little mouse that runs all over the floor. And my brother wants you to bring him a pair of skates and a sledge and a gun.

I am seven years old. This is incredible. And my brother is too old to believe in Santa, but not too old to ask for a gift. Here Santa, I want a sled, a mouse, and a gun. How's that? I like to use them all at once. And a chopper on the roof of the building.

Before I've earned it, I've been working in the mine for seven years. This is a Christmas movie. I mean, a mouse that runs on the floor is definitely to terrorize his mother. It's just a mouse. Right. I wouldn't have even mailed that letter if I had seen it. I want a stationary mouse. I want a mouse that kind of runs around a little bit. I'm very out of character for a mouse.

Dear Santa, here is 10 cents for the poor children. I hope everyone will have a happy Christmas. I hope you don't Miss anybody and please don't forget me. I am nine years old and I want a box of animals and a jackknife That is a horrible combination All these animals have their heads cut off. I asked Santa for a jackknife. Holy shit, these are terrifying. I love the simplicity of the asks, but the asks are getting terrifying. Yes, love John Wayne Geese.

I want a noose and the skin of my neighbor. I want to cut some fuckers, Santa. I want to cut some people bad. I want one of your else bodies. And so many people wanted weapons when they were kids. Like, I mean, I definitely did. It's like we hear gun now and you're like nine millimeter. They were like little BB gun. Yeah.

And still, I mean, it's still weird to ask for a knife. It's had a knife. BB gun. Yeah, a jackknife. I mean, I guess most kids had a knife. Yeah. All right, last one. All right, one more. Here we go. Dear Santa, please find $0.10 from my baby sister and $0.15 for me for your good cause and hope everybody will contribute a small mite, which

would mean so much for some poor little child and so little for the giver it must be a sad disappointment I uh to be waked up and be slided by Santa I am one of the fortunate ones that has never been slighted by Santa I wish you success in your good cause oh well so he didn't ask anything. He just said he didn't want him to miss anybody. Yeah, well, that was really nice. Anyway, his funeral will be all the other money hungry ones were like, I didn't get my jointed doll. You know, we ended animated with a happy one. That's a sweet kid.

I hope you got everything you wanted. My son also wants a jointed doll, but it's called a transformer. Oh wow, that's good. Yeah. Well, Sarah, thank you for joining us. Yes, you're a legend. Thank you for having me.

Hello to my mom, Sue, who I know is listening. Hi Sue, we love you Sue, who I know is listening. Hi, Sue. We love you, Sue. Get your grandson a transformer. Yeah. And make sure the arms go down. What's a transformer running these days? Three, four.

They're like about 25 bucks for, I know, for the little, you know, just for any of them. But if you want a big one, but if you want a big one what if you want a big one big one is there Sarah on behalf of the show Dave and I would like to build your son one yep so give us a minute we're gonna drop off transformer whose arms do go down in the next ten days we'll make this our top priority thank you I appreciate that. Thank you, Sarah. Hello, Sue. Merry Christmas, everybody.

And for those of you who don't celebrate, whoops. Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. You'll miss me, honey, some of these days. Yeah, so I actually have a trip coming up. I'm going to Philadelphia for some shows and I'm flying my dad in and my father and I are gonna share an Airbnb. Never seen Philly really, so I'm excited to walk around. I'm gonna make him touch the Liberty Bell. It's gonna be a whole thing.

You know, while I'm away, I've got my house sitting there and I'm thinking, well, you know, I can use my house as an Airbnb. And I think, you know, my place makes a great Airbnb, it's homey, it's not big, it's a good little energy. And I think, you know, while I'm gone, having people stay there, good way to make a little extra money, put towards some gifts for people, it just kind of feels like a smart thing to do and it's really great because it's very flexible which fits my lifestyle. So let your place earn a little cash while you're away.

Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.