The Dollop with Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds - 11 - The Past Times with Al Madrigal

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

Since the first American newspaper was published in 1690, millions more have been printed.  This week Dave Anthony picks a paper from a day in history and reads it to co-host Gareth Reynolds and actor, writer, and comedian Al Madrigal. New episodes of The Past Times will be right here every Thursday.

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through an old newspaper from a random date in history picked up by Dave Anthony. I'm Garrett Reynolds and I've never seen it before and neither is our guest this week. Al Madrigal hello Al. Hey guys. Welcome to the pastimes. Oh it's been a while. I mean I see you when you recorded ATC but we haven't been on recorded anything for a while. This is big. This is big for you. Yeah it's really big for you. Really big. This is a big thing for a big break maybe Al. People might. Like what Carson was. We'll see if we'll invite you out of the couch. We'll drive a couch over and that's when you know

you made it. You got an NBC deal. But actually speaking of real things you have a comic book called Primos that will be available probably when this podcast is out. Yeah sure there's one coming out. The first one came out on February 2nd and then every month after that for issues there were no Latino superheroes. We tried to keep it. Yeah that was actually the plan. So yeah. You and the Boise Boise. Building our Marvel wall. No I ended up hanging out when I went to the Daily Show. I was on a podcast with this guy who it's really weird. It's true story but I look over you know I'm a

chatty guy. I look over this guy has a picture of his son on an iPad playing basketball and I go your son plays basketball I go my son. It'd be like Dave you know if you see a guy with a nine-year-old baseball player or whatever you go hey my my son's in a basketball and he goes oh my son just scored 28 points in a game and I go I don't want to one-up you but my son just scored 34 points in a game. Then he takes off his jacket and he's got a San Francisco psycho you know that that teacher it on and I go you from the city I go I went to SI and he goes I went to SI and it's like stepbrothers turns out

to be half Mexican just like me from the other side of the park and we went to the same high school we both have Korean wine what same favorite restaurant he's a 49er Warriors and Giants fan what and he was the editor and chief of Marvel Comics. Wow. Axel Alonso and we become buddies start talking about how there's no Latino superheroes and just decided to do something about it so like seriously you know three years later. That's amazing. That's crazy. I was curious if you'd ever touched him to see if it was actually you you were maybe talking about just having like some sort of psychotic episode or something. We can

occupy the same space. It's like it's the time cop rules Al. If that story happens with me the guy goes my kids scored 28 points and I go fuck yourself and I mumble and I walk away. Dave slashes his tires. Dave's like what kind of car do you drive pal? Well I feel safe saying that you're not gonna get any kind of deal out of this show so that's yeah I'm happy you got that because we're not a springboard yeah there's nothing good coming out of this for you. Other words. You know I think you guys sell yourself short. I will talk about this after but I think this should be the there should be a lot of spin-off sort of dollop. You guys are so good at

this and should have other shows. I think listeners probably agree that you're capable of launching more shows so I'd like to talk about the other things you guys can be doing. Listen to Hollywood Matrix. What a smooth trip. Loving it. You know I make 10% percent. Hollywood Matrix here. Now I'm seeing it. Well Al was asking before we recorded Dave when when are we talking about what what era are we in are we going because Al what we're finding more recent ones can be crazy but then when you really go to these 1800 ones you are like how the fuck did this happen. Take a guess in a year. Well I have actually my real quick hold on

I guess my my wife is half Korean and the newspaper in Dunkirk, New York when my father-in-law brought my mother-in-law back to his hometown the article read local boy and his Korean woman brings home real-life China. Oh my god we're teaching her how to make American recipes like casserole. Oh my god it's just it just didn't take much to be a little more accurate. I mean it's just like so little to just be like a little less of they're like yeah we got it we spin it out in one we got it let's go. We got the headline and that's Dunkirk gets its first Korean. Yeah I mean horrible. That would be so woke calling them by the right

nationality. I know yeah what are we gonna get cancelled. All right so the year do you guys want to guess? I'll go 1898. I'm gonna go earlier I'm gonna say this is in 1850. Oh Al is closer. Damn it. June 10th 1869. Oh okay yeah spicy. Yeah that is spicy. Summer of 69. All right let's start on page one it's in Columbiana Alabama it's called the Shelby Guide. So it's near Shelby right but it's Columbiana which is already a bad name. Yeah it's a shit. Columbiana is just a shit name for a town. I can't believe that it's real. I get confused you add-on letters. Just give me the Columbia. You like it. You like it

American. I like it simplified for my little brain. Yeah that's right tiny little dome. So we're on page one it's just so Al the way these the way these articles work back then they'd often just shove shit on a page there's no headline they just cram a thing in and they move on to the next thing and there's no yeah it's all it's just a puzzle of articles I've seen a bunch of these yeah I've seen a bunch of old newspapers before but so there's no like massive headline with above the fold like photo or anything like that we're talking like just text crammed onto a page. It feels like an improvised

newspaper. It really does. Yeah like. Alright first article a good listener like a poet or a pretty woman is a rare product. It's just it's not a it's not a news story it's just. What is this? I know that's that's a welcome welcome to the show because I don't know it's just that I mean at some point they were like this should be about news and we're not there yet they're just like this is a thought. I love that the first. So this is about your perspective spouse or like this is saying you need to be a good listener. Well let's find out I mean right first of all he's just taking a swipe at women he's like why are they

taking a little strap. Why are all the women so fucking ugly like it's just. Yeah. Shut the fuck up and listen. Yeah. The world is running over with people who can talk and gavel to the end of time and things but it is only now and then that an attentive ear is to be found. So he's basically this guy is just like nobody's listening to me the article. That's right. Okay. When it is you should make a note of it. Sorry that it's not there's no commas there's no it's hard. When it is you should make a note of it. Such a listener is sure to be sensible discriminating well bred and well informed. The chances are that he or she will be the best of

company if a woman tolerably good looking if a man precisely the individual you would cotton to. That's the whole article. It's more like a Facebook. It really is. It's right. Doesn't make. But I'm sorry. Again this is the. This is page one. This is the front. It's the front page. Yes this is this is this is the main this is the thing. This is you're trying to move units with this guy basically yelping women. That's right. Well he makes unattentive. He made some good points. You need to. I love that he was like if you find someone that can is a good listener they're probably a good looking woman. I'm just you just throwing that out there.

Or yeah tolerable looks tolerable looks. Well that's the best kind man must be so boring. All right. So this is still on page one and a model. Must be important if it's on page one model garden. We were the recipients this morning of as fine a mess of Irish potatoes as it is ever. That is sorry. It's already a really weird thing to be like we. Yeah. To start it with my wife and I we've got a bunch like it again. It's not an article. It is. It's just it's just like someone writes down things they over here. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And this was a this it wasn't a daily though. This is or because I could see this is a weekly. Yeah. Really aren't that

many daily. Yeah. Most of them are. Yeah. It'd be impossible to get this out. And also like how could you come because I was going to I was thinking that this could be a daily with like if you were pressed for coming up with regular topics and you had to you know sporadic contact with the outside world you know that's that's really what it is. Yeah. Yeah. If it if it was like every day then you'd go like okay there was not a lot to talk about but they're like we have culled the boring stuff and here is the week's important stuff. So they had a bountiful crop of Irish potatoes in the other had as fine a mess of Irish potatoes that has ever

been are a lot to see in this section. So and they probably hated the Irish at the time. Right. They're getting out of here. Oh fuck. Yeah. This is bad Irish. Yeah. They're potatoes. Yeah. This paper came out on me even now. Some things never change. This paper came out on Thursdays. Yeah. Honestly. It's okay. They came from the garden of Miss Thomas Simpson on Good Street in this city. We are reliably informed that one fourth of an acre Miss Simpson has already realized $60 from the sale of winter cabbages and $100 potatoes. It's just not news. It's a lot but it's I feels not newsworthy that a

lady has a garden. Yeah. I mean that really is the art the art as there more. Well it just goes on and it describes how much she has of different stuff. She has potatoes. She's got plants. She's just kind of like produce bragging in the paper basically. She's like got a lot of potatoes. Yeah. And yeah. Got a lot of cabbage. She also has said tolerable looks and she's a bad listener. Quite a terrible listener. So lock this one down fellas. She said she's going to it will thus be seen that she has already realized about $500 and then she's accomplished with her two sons. Not a dollar has been expended for hired laborers.

So she's not paying her kids. Right. And that's right. She's bragging. She's like I got free labor. Yeah. I just pop workers out of this. This is the story of exploitation. Sure. Right. Well I'm glad you got it there somehow. Yeah. Here we go. Next Thursday's paper is her. She's dead because someone realized how much money she made off of potatoes and cabbage. Like that's the same thing. Like you can't. That is a significant amount of money. She has cash lying around. A desperate man reading this would go over to her house and get over the back of the head. Yeah. I mean we hope so. Yeah. You don't even ask him out anymore back then. You're just like I need to take her out

of the equation. My mother lives in a small town in England and this still is basically the news in the small town. She would like this would be like close to you know crops is still like whoa. So today. Huge. Today that would be $10,000. So she's made 10 grand from her. Amazing. Potato garden. And this became news. Now it's news. Now you would totally wrong. Now I get it. Now it's killing time. Capitalism is involved. Yeah. He killed the old lady and her kids and you take that. I think we were talking about killing her a lot. Very freely and often where I'm like we know she can we be happy for her. Happy. Right to murder. I'm happy that she has the money because I'm going to get it. But as somebody I'm a big gardener. I really enjoy gardening and I'm walking

around talking about it's been her year for citrus. So I get it. When you get it. Yeah. No. When you do grow your own stuff it's amazing how much you're like I have three tomatoes. It's like Nora that's never been does something you've bragged about until today. Three baby. Three cherries. How do you want to divvy them up? Yeah. All right. So this one has a headline. Superstitious sports. Oh. General ALS of Kentucky. It doesn't even say his name. It's just a period of general ALS. I guess we're supposed to know that it is. Because this is right after the war. The civil war. Okay. Sure. Of Kentucky. Perhaps one of the best card players in that state would never play a hand or risk a dollar if there was a black cat in the room.

Sure. That's okay. Move on. I'm ready to. We've heard the normal part. Where does it get a little does it get strange at any point? Ex-governor B from one of the western states and inveterate. She's not. Our details didn't seem to matter so much. A governor from a state. Yeah. Not giving up the names. Just it's all initials. Sure. Sure. Would never sit down to a table in a room where there was a looking glass. Is that a mirror? Okay. No. I think that's a magnifying glass. What's a looking glass? A looking glass is more like a kaleidoscope almost sick, right? Isn't that sort of weird? It does. I believe so. Why would you? Okay. Let's see if that's right. Oh, maybe it's like a binocular type thing. Like an opera type glass. Because

why else would you care? If it's a kaleidoscope, you'd be like that guy's looking. I'm seeing. Okay. I'm seeing either a mirror or a magnifying glass or sort or yeah. I think it's a magnifying glass or a mirror, it seems. It's got to be mirror, right? But I thought like through the looking glass was more of a. Now, is that the Nicholas Cage movie? Is that? Because there's a Nicholas Cage movie called Looking Glass, Seeing is Deceiving. Yeah. That's about a guy in a mirror. We'll talk about that after. It's about a guy in a mirror who and they rob banks together. You haven't seen it? You've seen the movie I just said? Yeah. Nicholas Cage in a mirror and they go around robbing banks. Okay. You're doing a bit. I was focused on. Some gamblers you're free.

You're doing comedy. Some gamblers refuse to play if on entering the room a left foot crosses the threshold first and no persuasion can induce them to do so until they leave and return with the right foot foremost. So they if they walk into a room and someone has their left leg over they'll leave until the right leg is placed over or no crossing is existing. I think if they walk in left foot first. If some of the level I mean at some point you have to pay attention to the gambling. Well, this is any excuse to get up and walk away from gambling. If you're if you're losing. Yeah. It's just when you're down. That man walked in with his right foot. I'm fucking out of here. Looking glass. It all makes sense now. There's a looking glass in the room. Nice try

everybody. I'll take my losses. Not at your buddy and he or winnings and just walk away. They hate it when somebody who's up just gets up and takes. Oh yeah. They really do. I'm out of here. I got potato money. Yeah. Or you just nod at your buddy in the corner and he drops the black cat. You're like game over. I knew there was something going on. Well, well, well. Nice try everybody. So to put that man to put your foot on it on the chair of a player is a sure premonition of bad luck. Some never play on Friday. That's the whole article. It's super rude also to put your foot on the chair of a player. Like you would. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I even beyond bad luck. I'd be like, buddy, this is not an armrest. We've been very clear.

And what is the last line of the article, Dave? It was the Friday. Some never play on a Friday. So that's another one you could do. I thought it was Thursday. There's a black cat a looking glass and it's Friday. No, I'm out of here. And that's when the guy with the shotgun strapped to the underside of the table goes, you're not going anywhere. Well, okey dokey. It seems like this guy is I didn't know there was a gun in the room. I'll stick around. I'll play another hand. Hello, sir. That was a good kitty. What's its name? Hello, friend. You play until the deck's done. All right. Or a cat comes through. This is just an ad Smith's tonic. Sir, the genuine article must have Dr. John Bull's

private stamp on each bottle. Dr. Bull only has the right to manufacture and sell. Dr. Bull is a great name for a guy who's clearly putting shit out on the market. Just like a liar, like clearly. I'm Dr. Bull. You can trust my friend. Or it's an amazing medical companion show to the hit legal drama Bull. Dr. Bull. He goes, he gets his, he got his law degree. Yeah, law degree. His M. Fox got no but look, we love every, we love the world. We love the character, but people are just not loving the angle. So instead, we're taking you out of the courtroom and we're putting you into the ER bull. Dr. Bull only has the right to manufacture and sell the original John Smith's tonic syrup of Louisville. Examine well the label

on each bottle. If my private stamp is not on the bottle, do not purchase or you will be deceived. See my column advertisement and my show card. I will prosecute anyone infringing on my right. The genuine Smith's tonic syrup can only be prepared by my advertisement. Dr. This is a threat to the guy that's selling knock ups. This is a direct, this is a threat and an accusation and not an advertisement. So this guy, what are we going to do about this? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm taking out an ad. All right. Right underneath the gambling superstition article is going to beat you. That's where I'm going to get him. And I'm directing this towards Dr. Carl Jones, who is a bullshit peddler. Yes, Carl. You didn't come up with anything.

And you took my pocket watch. The ad on Saturday. Fuck you, Tommy. You're not selling this shit anymore. Dr. John Bull. What does it have? It doesn't even say what it has in it. We don't know what type of car. There's no room. There's no room for actual information. This one is just a threat. Like there's no, we have no idea what this stuff does, but it's funny. He bought it. He bought the Smith's tonic syrup from somebody else and now other people are like, oh, I can just make it too. Oh, so it's kind of like Ivermectin. We can all make it. Yeah, it's very much like Ivermectin. It doesn't work, whereas Ivermectin will get rid of all your parasites. That's absolutely right. We have a little joke down here in the corner.

Don't speak ill of old maids. They are the true angels who have refused to make men miserable by marrying them. Not really not picking up on that. It's a joke. Can you hear it one more time? Just because I'm sorry. I'm new to, you fucked it up. Don't speak ill of old maids. They are the true angels who have refused to make men miserable by marrying them. So don't be mad at all the women because they don't marry men. Be thankful that they're not talk shit of the old ladies who didn't get married who are probably like 23 because they're the good ones because they didn't make men miserable by marrying them. Of course, because marriage is hell on earth. I mean, coupling that joke with the Good Listening article at the top that we

started with. I'm starting a sense of trend here. This paper is accurate. I get it. I agree. I think that's what I'm responding to as well, Al, that this paper still gets it somehow and cuts to the core. That's awesome. Definitely holds up. Very funny joke. Very funny. Headline on this one is just suicide. Oh, great. Really? Miss Lizzie Mason, whose mother lives at or near Wintempaka, committed suicide. Lovely. Committed suicide at the residence of Colonel Butts, this B-U-T-T-S. It's Colonel Butts. There's someone is dead, but obviously... It's Butts. Comedically, that's funnier than the previous joke.

In this county on Friday morning last by taking Stricknight. Two years ago, her father died leaving her mother with several young and almost helpless children dependent upon her, which has for some time appeared to a heavily upon young lady who frequently told her relatives, whom she was visiting that she, quote, she has nothing to live for and yet no one entertained any thought that she would destroy her own life. So she's just walking around. That's amazing. Amazing that they, in that time, they're like, boy, she talks about ending it all a lot. She's not going to find a husband. How easy was it to kill somebody in 18s?

Because doesn't this sound like, doesn't this sound like Colonel Butts killed her? Dude, Colonel Butts totally wasn't killed her. I can't believe, this is 1860s clue. It was Colonel Butts with the Stricknight and the Observatory. Dude, Colonel Butts definitely killed her. Colonel Butts. There's no doubt. Colonel Butts. What was she doing over there? Why was she in Colonel Butts' house?

Yeah, and everybody was talking about like she had nothing to live for. Yeah. Colonel Butts. Oh, she seemed very despondent. Yeah, she was walking around all the time. She just came over my house and drank strict wine like a young lady will do. Yeah. I keep it near the whiskey. She must have misunderstood. By the way, what a horrible listener she was. That's on brand. I said no, no. I said no. Don't drink this.

You have much to live for. Have a whiskey sour, but you know women, they don't listen. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, he totally killed her. I would love to follow the thread of Colonel Butts from here on out to see if there's more suicides around. That's probably a lot. Closing of free schools. Dr. Cloud.

Hey, Jesus Christ. None of these sounds made up, right? We've got Bull, Colonel Butts, and Dr. Cloud. It's like a made up town. It's like Mario characters. Dr. Cloud, the incompetent superintendent of public instruction. So right there, they're not. Sure.

The paper's not big on the. Seems biased. Acknowledges that his department is in an embarrassing state of circumstances. We supposed it would be, but had no idea that he would acknowledge it. Having miscalculated as to what his department could do, he now recommends the closing of the free schools as soon as possible. I kind of like, I like, I like that the guy admits that he's a failure. That's.

Yeah, he just said, I fucked up and we should just shut all the schools down. A solution isn't great. I'm bad at this. Like that's the end of free schools. I'm so bad. Kids have to pay for school now. That's the end of schools. Oh, okay.

This is exciting. Confederate money. Oh boy. So yeah. So there was Confederate money, what they had their own leader on it, whatever. Currency. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had their own cash. How long until like that's Bitcoin? That's that's a bad that's a bad currency because like it's all, it's just based on slavery. So you're like, oh, I hope this holds out. Put all my money in Confederate money. Oh my gosh. An advertisement appears in a Fayetteville paper over the signature of W.C.

Troy offering 10 cents on the dollar for $32,000 of Confederate money on July 11. So the Confederate currency is not doing great at sea. That's, yeah, that's not 10 cents for $32,000. I think Toys R Us money is actually technically worth more right now. You're pesos. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah, this is really bad.

10, 10 cents. I mean, $32,000, 10 cents. 10 cents. Yeah. At 15 cents for $67,000. Who could have coming home to your wife out with that news? Like good news.

I hope you sold a lot of potatoes because maybe that is, oh my God, is there her potato money in Confederate money? And it's not that much. That better not be tied up. I mean, it's Alabama. Maybe it is. But I mean, it is like, I read this thing the other day about this guy who like took all their savings and put it in crypto and had to explain to his wife like, well,

it's not good, honey. That's very similar. We're like, I really thought the South, they keep saying the South will rise again. I guess that's just some bullshit talking point because I can get 10 cents on a dollar. It's not rising. I don't own any cryptocurrency at all, but it's hard for me to believe that that's not eventually going to be a thing because it seems like it's definitely going to become a thing. You've just like anything digital, like the world is going to become more digital, not less.

Well, like China is creating, they're going to digital currency. Everyone's going to start making digital currency at some point. We have dollar bucks. We'd actually love to sell you some of our dollar bucks, Al. I have a lot of dollar bucks. And then I learned that I only get 10 dollar bucks. We're only 10 cents on the dollar. But I really, Al, again, we told you when you invested this, you get ready for some

dips. Just hang with us. We're going to go up and down. If anything, what Dave is suggesting is buy some more. So we'll sidebar after this, but maybe it's going to be a few. Yeah, buy the dip. You know what I mean? Buy in the dip.

Now's the time to get more dollop money, not less. Oh, we got another ad. Dollop bucks. Oh, good. Come out of the jaws of death. All right. Great. I'm still around.

I'm listening. Hesitation and delay is suicide. Dr. Schitt's live pills. One minute will save a life. Life in a pill box. Life in a pill box. It says that twice in a row. And we listened.

And we listened. Is this the Sacklers? Dr. McGeel's anti-billis pills. Billis? Billis. Billis? B-I-L-L-I-U-S. B-I-L-I-O-U-S.

Is that like bloating? I can't. It is. It's going to be something. I'm enjoying the way that they use it in the sentence. It's affected by or associated with nagervomiting. Quote, I had eaten something that didn't agree with me. I was a little billous.

So. Yeah. So it sounds like it's your digestive system. It's just. Yeah. Liver issues. Which I would imagine everybody had constantly back then. Just for drinking.

Oh, no. Stop. Diarrhea. Yeah. All over town. Yeah. If you like, if you took a like a solid poop, that was the version of diarrhea.

You'd be like, I got to go home. A solid thing came out of me today. I'm not feeling right. It's in the paper. If you took a solid one. Yeah. How many solid VMs do you think there actually were? And they were freaked out.

I don't know. Something's wrong with me. It wasn't watery and painful. I'm a little concerned. Well, that's it. That's the ad. It says one pill as a dose twice. And then they're done.

So it makes you not shit. Well, it's at least better than just spending your ad talking shit about another doctor. I kind of prefer. Subtweeting. Of course you do. It's like Early Mr. Show when you're doing that. Yeah.

Right. Right. Dr. Shit's die pills. East Butler Statue General Troop Sturve Sturdovant. Mine host of the Troop House in the city has purchased and placed prominently in his office at an alarming expense. A statue of an old notorious spoon thief of Massachusetts.

Okay. There's somebody. Can you stop? First of all, the fucking names of these people. If you put them in a script, like they'd be like, we love what you're doing. Just the names are obviously give them real names every now and then that'll just help kind of make your comic.

What is it? Enormous expense. An alarming expense. Alarming expense. Wait, but start from the top real quick. General Troop, T-R-O-U-P. General Troop. It's just, if you're in the army, troops are like,

it just feels so invented that it's like someone was like, what's the general's name? General Army and General Troop. It's who's on first. Yeah. Get me Troop. What's Troop, sir? It doesn't exist.

Get me the general. General Troop, not the troops, the general. Okay. General Troop. Troop, a sturdivant, mine host of the troop house in this city. Wait, down, I'll stop there. Mine, what, of the troop house? Mine host, M-I-N-E host.

So it must have something to do with a mine, right? Sure. So like a miner's hangout, maybe? Okay. So the miner watering hole of the troop house, which is his first name. So he must name the place after his first name. Got it.

Sure. Something made sense, finally. In this city has purchased and placed prominently in his office. I mean, I forgot about this. It's already been so crazy. I forgot about this part, which is the weirdest. Spoon thief. This is a statue of a spoon thief.

At an alarming expense, a statue of the old notorious spoon thief of Massachusetts. Yes. So he's the well-known rapper of the old notorious spoon thief. Spoon thief. It's a breakfast here. It's like a character from Lucky Charms that you would have. I got another one of my lucky spoons.

I've buried it in a yard like a dog with a bone next to the rich potatoes. Don't tell anyone of my spoons. I mean, break like a cat burglar going into places, walking by crystal decanters and expensive vases and then just opening cutlery drawers and just taking a handful of rusty old spoons. That'll do my calling card. I've been struck again by the spoon thief. I mean, at this time, people are probably stealing silverware and melting it down.

But even then, that would be, he would take handfuls of color. Just the spoon. But he's just, he's coming home. His wife's like, look, I married a criminal. What'd you get, babe? Did you get anything important today? I got another bag of spoons. Jesus Christ.

Well, I leave them. I don't need any more spoons. I leave them to forks and knives, you know. Hey, I taught them how to take it at Fark, but it just looks like it's got less silver than a bloody spoon. Oh, this is the mansion that spoons built. A statue of the old notorious spoon thief of Massachusetts who is now engaged. Someone made a statue.

Someone bought a statue. Okay. And he's engaged. Who is now engaged in concocting a new bill for the consideration of Congress at its next session, looking to another reconstruction of the states we live in. Oh, so this is a, this is some sort of war dig statue, maybe. What better to dig with than a spoon? The statue made of bronze plaster of Paris represents the old woman

insulterer and spoon thief in the full uniform of a U.S. major general carrying an enormous spoon at a right shoulder shift with a large bag of coin just stolen from some public or private bank in New Orleans in his left hand. I mean, the, the, okay. That's the realest statue. Okay. So this, the statue is of a man. It sounded like it was a woman for a minute.

Yeah. I think it switches back and forth there. It's a little confusing. Okay. But either way, it's the statue of the notorious spoon thief with a bag full of bank money. So maybe is Al right that there was, maybe this was like, I mean, we're spoons. I know we had Confederate money.

We're spoons currency or their portions of America where you could, that'll be five spoons. No, but I, I looked up war. I looked up spoons. And then, and then this person has the spoon, like almost like their bayonet over their shoulder and some sort of army. I'm googling spoon thief statue, just nothing. All of a sudden your phone rings and it's like Google headquarters. Yeah.

Al, you've actually, you've done something that not only under a hundred people have done. I got it. What do you got? The short wallied, this is from a book, Capital Man, The Epic Story of Reconstruction. The short wallied, Jenler Butler, who had introduced the term contraband to describe fleeing slaves was dispatched by Lincoln to oversee New Orleans after the city was taken by Union forces. So people are, you know, it's everyone's like, fuck, it's conquered and Butler responded by seizing control of the press, arresting people openly, disloyal to the union.

He also ordered the public hanging of a youth named Billy Mumford, who had climbed onto the top of the roof of the U.S. Mint to remove a flag and for allegedly pilfering civilware and China from elite residences, Butler earned the nickname Silver Spoon and Spoon Thief. I still don't fully understand. So the person was stealing the spoons. Why just spoons though? Would that not again be a rationale? I don't think anyone's stealing spoons.

So this is the pilfering part of war. So beware of the spoon. I found something. So this is, this is, you know, they are the troops would just go through the south and go into houses and takes it because that's how they make money. So the troops are just stealing from houses and they're stealing. So they call them spoon thieves because it's one of the things they're taking. They're like they're taking everything from our houses.

These are Spoon Thief. So this guy, you know, what would be a better term would be thieves. Yeah, that would probably be a better term. Yeah, that would probably be a little helpful in this. So they, so they, so this guy put up a statue of the general Butler. I completely forgot about the statue. So this guy's created a controversy because in his weird little sloth house or whatever, he is supporting the, I mean, he's created a statue of spoon.

But the statue has an actual spoon. Yeah. The statue has a huge spoon. Okay. And so over his shoulder, like a rifle. Yeah. Yeah. So this person, okay.

And that's all it said. That's it. It just, it doesn't say he's an asshole. When you read articles, are you supposed to leave with a head full of questions? I don't think it should be more confusing. I feel like you, you shouldn't regret having read what you just read. No. I felt like I was doing Sudoku.

This headline is testing kerosene oil. Good. The scientific American gives the following mode of testing kerosene. Fill a cup with warm water, the temperature of which should be brought to 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Pour the oil on the water. Apply flame to the floating oil by match or other. Sorry. I'm sorry.

I mean. What's the problem? This horrible advice I would think, right? I'm teaching you to test the kerosene. Here's the way you want to test gas. Put a lighter to it. Did you die? You had gas.

So ridiculous. If the oil is on... It's the same guy that's selling the fake Dr. Bull. Hello. I'm Dr. Bull with gas thoughts. Yeah. Okay. If the oil is unsafe, it will take fire and its use in the lamp is dangerous,

for it is liable to explode, but the oil is safe and good. I'm sorry. That's the point that we were... I mean, really, they are basically saying, find out if your oil is explosive. And then if it explodes, it was explosive. But they're saying if it catches fire, but that means if it doesn't catch fire, then it won't burn.

But you're supposed to burn oil? That's not great. That's super helpful. I'm really starting to understand why that girl committed suicide. I'm totally, honestly, like she was just like, there's spoon statues, people are lighting gas to see if it's usable. I'm out of here. Here's a wanted ad down in the very, very far corner.

Wanted. Wanted. Wanted. Logic. Wanted. Chickens, ducks, butter, eggs, and dried peaches, for which I will pay the highest market price. That's how shopping worked back then, right?

John Leaper. Yeah. It's an ad. Wanted. Soup. Let me know. Hungry now. They popped dollar.

Top dollar. Hungry now. What's that ad I paid for coming out? I'm fucking starving. Starving. I'm starving. We're almost here. I'm just very hungry.

It's a weekly? Wait, how do we get a hold of this person? Oh, that's part of... It just says his name, John Leaper. I guess he just... I'm looking for John Leaper. He needs some ducks and butter. Has anyone seen him?

I've got ducks and butter for a man who put an ad in the paper. Below that is just big bull letters, breakfast bacon, and there's nothing else. Even... Is that... It just says... That's connected to the article or no? That's right.

There's a line, and then below it it says breakfast bacon. So it's separate. That's the whole... That's how we get it. Oh, no, sorry. Well, now you're going to want another paper, honestly. That's a... You want to read directions weekly.

This is suggestions. This says breakfast bacon, one box for sale by Bruce Harris. Good one. There's someone like, I need food, and there's a guy below like, I'm trying to get rid of bacon. And they were... That's hilarious. But he's like, I got a guy for bacon,

and he just... I know I can get rid of it. I know a guy. He's got one box of bacon. You know what? Just give me three. I'm sure I can get rid of the other one. That's fine.

How are you going to do it? I'll just place it. Don't worry. I'm going to go to street corners. Worst case, I'll just put an ad in the paper. I have a thing of bacon. Breakfast bacon is just... Bacon.

Yeah, bacon. It's not Canadian bacon. It's just regular, regular bacon. Probably just, yeah, not a lot of an hour attached to it. So we have... Sometimes these papers will explain to us how things work in the rest of the world. They just throw in random facts.

And this one is Love Intrigues in Egypt. So this is a... I'm sure this is going to be very accurate. A small-time paper in Alabama. An article written from someone who's never been to Egypt, for sure. I have no idea what they're about to write about. No. They spell Pharaoh with an F.

An Egyptian girl or woman concealed behind her schnabak window. It must be shubak. Schnabak? It must be shubak. It's smeared. Sees pass a man who pleases her fancy. So we're set in a scene, right?

There's a lady in the window. She's a dude. So she's looking... She's like, that guy's hot. She calls and as the head of the unknown is raised, a flower, a note, or a handkerchief, is dropped at his feet. This is not true. So you see a guy you like,

and then you throw a handkerchief at his feet? That's right. This is not... Sure. It's like a poke on Facebook. This is not yet a rendezvous, but an invitation to come again near the place. So she's saying...

Okay, so you go, I got kerchiefed. I think this lady likes me. She threw a hankie at my shoe. She's back in the fuck window, you know what I mean? Easy, Dave. At the moment the favored one leaves the spot, the door opens and a eunuch... What?

...is to return. I mean, honestly, what? No wonder she's throwing hankies at dudes like... This is where fiction takes hold. Yes, this is where fiction takes hold. This guy doesn't know what to plug into that. This guy's like, they want it to be 800 words. So, my God.

Also, when you're dropping a handkerchief from a high window, and you see like a hot guy walk by, I mean, you really got to nail the time. Yeah, a marble would probably make more sense. Something a little... Drop a feather at your lover. No, not you! You put it near his feet.

Put that near his feet. This eunuch keeps me trapped up here. It falls to the ugly guy behind. She's like, no! Oh, boy! No! Hello there, lady! I got feelings for you, too!

So, where does the unsullied come in? So, the door opens and a eunuch or a negris follows him. Jesus Christ! Wow, it's out. I told you, this is all... Everything's racial. So, this servant is charged to know who he is, where he rests, and what his name and condition in light.

Oh, so he's got a guy behind... Or a lady behind him, and they're like, so here's his deal. He owns a bookstore. He loves fucking pants. He likes jogging. He's got a bad eye. But he's a pretty good guy.

The day after, if in passing... Hey, what's the deal with that eunuch? What's going on with your eunuch, huh? So, I cut his balls off this guy, and he falls around and tells people what I do. Hello! The day after, in passing by the same house, if a flower or other token again falls from the same window,

the lover knows that the report of the servant is made, and that his suit is favorably received. So, you drop a handkerchief, and then someone is like, here's his deal. Then, when that person comes back, you drop a flower, and then you're like, oh, kiddokey. Yeah, it's on. It's fuck o'clock.

The eunuch who follows is your dating profile, and the second flower is the match. Yes. Right? Is this the, like... Yeah, well, the handkerchief, yes. Well, the handkerchief is the match, and then the flower is the rendezvous.

The flower is like, I like you. Let's actually meet up. Bring your eunuch, I'll bring mine. We'll have a whole separate table for them. Bring your eunuch. Bring your eunuch, it's fine. Fine, fine, we don't care.

We don't care, we're cool. I'm going to cut through some of this because it goes in a dialogue, but basically he, then the guy gives what is an old dame three pieces of gold, and he keeps asking to see the girl, and then she finally says, yeah. All right, after three pieces, she's like, yeah, this guy's bringing it.

That's how you do all of this is made up, because like the facts, the potato facts, like that just, there's nothing, no bullshit there. It's just, that's exactly how it goes. Straight forward, this guy, when he can start, you know. Yeah, no, it's got a lot of and then to it, which is kind of the calling card of the fiver. And then there's gold.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, he puts one piece out, she likes that, he comes back another day, two more, then they get married, and yada, yada. Then they forget forever. That's Egypt. Did I say the flower thing yet?

Yeah, and then they drop a flower. Yeah, did I mention that they have eunuchs? Oh, well, they do. One per person in Egypt, that's how they do it. By the way, don't go to Egypt and try to corroborate any of this. They'll probably look at you like you're crazy, that's their way. Yeah, so it just goes on like that.

There's no reason to continue, because it just continues on. I mean, to be unreadable in a paper at this time really says something. Yeah, it's really. For you to be like, this is not worth reading, really, it's unique, it's a rarefied error. More about the Chinese is the headline.

I feel like this is, it's not a good start. Continuation from yesterday and last week. More about the Chinese, which I started last month. During the year 1868, China and Japan sent over 10,000 people against 3,300 in 1867 and 2,366. We're counting the Chinese. During the first four months of the current year, we received from that country 2,800 people.

The arrivals this year from Asia will probably exceed those of any previous year. So they're just counting Chinese. Guess what? It never stopped. That's just. Kept on coming. I mean, you really are greasing the wheels for the future

that we know. You know what I mean? Like just starting to pepper the stake a little bit. Boy, a lot of Chinese is showing up. I'm just saying, I'm just saying. The new Orleans Times says that the only reasonable objection urged here to for in the importation of Asiatics has been the charge that the Chinese and Japanese were heathens.

But a writer in the last number of that radical magazine, the Atlantic Monthly. That's still radical. Radical rag. Finally, disposes of this charge by proving that the Christian religion was to a great extent engrafted upon the Buddhist, which they profess. So they're saying they're not that bad because Buddhism is kind of like Christianity a little bit.

So. Well, it's also really, I mean, when they're like, we got a news about the Chinese. This is about the Japanese. It's like, OK, sure. Nice work as usual. Very distinct. I like Asiatic. Yeah. Like you just went with it.

Like I thought Oriental was like the oldest term used. But I had no idea about Asiatic. I didn't either. Yeah. It shows you how far we came with your buddy. Was it your buddy's wife when she came out? No, it's my mother-in-law. Your mother-in-law.

God. I mean. I don't know. Real life China don't. Real life. Oh, my God. Turning the children out to strawberries. Ms. J.

Sure. Ms. J. Crane, one of the veteran fruit growers of New Jersey, says that the best. Oh, you don't need to tell us. We know she's been in the fruit game a while. She says. J. Crane. Yeah.

You know. She says the best medicine for sick or delicate children is strawberries. Oh, my God. We all know that. So she's Pentecostal, basically. But with strawberries. It's true, though.

If you give, you just fill a kid up with strawberries. Just have you tried giving him a bunch of strawberries? Just put them in every hole. Yeah. He still has smallpox. Yeah. But more strawberries. He needs more.

At a late meeting of the fruit growers' club, he remarked, oh, this is Mr. Sorry. Here, here, here, here, here. Sorry we had to meet so late, everyone. It's just that we can't let people know about what we're doing in the soil. He remarked that. Now.

That whenever any of his children were taken sick in winter or early spring, he tried to get them along with as little medicine as possible until strawberries began to ripen. Wait. So he's saying he uses medicine until strawberry season? No, no, as little as he can. Like he's light on the Dr. Bulls. So he and then what it's so it's basically produce.

Can you hold your cancer until spring? The strawberries will come in and much. Here we go. All right. We only lost three. Put strawberries in them. That'll get them back. Don't get sick in October.

Oh, God. I thought I warned you kids not to get a cold during flu season. And so after they ripen, then they were let loose in the patch. Tasmanian devils just like cartoons. Just they're sick kids. They have some sort of. Just let them loosen the patch. Just straight down on face down.

That's strange. I don't know what that's all about. Just take it. Just take it a little bit. Put a strawberry in it. Chew it even with a dead jaw. Use your hands to manipulate a chewing motion. She'll be back.

She'll be back. It is hoped that every man that lives in the country. Hey, I got a bunch of sick kids in a wagon. You mind if they run around and just eat off the vine? Can they just graze in your strawberries? Oh, look at all the sick kids in this town. Oh, boy. It is hoped that every man that lives in the country

has a strawberry patch large enough to allow his children a full supply of this healthy, delicious fruit. I mean, it's look, they're good for sure. No doubt. Yeah, it's medical cure. All I mean, I mean, look, sure. There's probably someone during COVID is like strawberries actually really helped.

Strawberries really helped me through my dark. Do your fake through your fake virus. Yeah. Yeah, excitement, a disease of society. Wow. That's a headline. Sorry, that's a headline. I'm not fall ready like Larry David.

Yeah, it is. Everybody settled down. The old person ties overwhelming. Yards have never been trampled more. I'm not falling. Have you ever seen the photo of Larry David at Civil War sites with his daughter? That's the best.

He's like fawning over a Civil War cannon. No, he's pretending that he fired the cannon looking off and she's standing there like a teenager. So good. Yeah. This country is greatly benefited by German immigration. Yes, the Chinese were worried about, but those Germans, get them in.

Get them in these trusty Germans. If there's what the guy trusts, it's a German. The peculiarly philosophical tendency of a German mind, the calm patience with which it investigates all questions of importance, the independence with which it rejects what is considered false and asserts what it believes to be true, our elements of character and good citizenship anywhere, but are particularly viable in a mixed population like the American.

What? It seems like a different slant than the Chinese article. I don't agree. I don't agree one bit. I think they're very similar. They're both saying, come here, but look, the Chinese we have to keep an eye on and some of our Chinese are Japanese, but that's neither here nor there.

The Germans, you want them rubbing off on you. Because they're brains. You know, absolutely. They're smart brains that will never deviate from moral high ground. Oh, there's more coffee. Coffee for sale here. Six acts of coffee just received in our for sale by Bruce Harris. We're just mixing in the classified spit in wherever they do.

This usually they don't, but this paper just hasn't spotted around. Matter about, yeah. The the classifieds, you got your bacon. There's one box of bacon. That guy is looking for peaches and eggs. And then, yeah, what are we selling? Can they get six? No, I mean, essentially, we're going, we're going like,

yeah, I got to keep an eye on the Chinese strawberries cures children from disease. The Germans are pretty good. Anyone need coffee? Yeah, I got a bag of bacon. This is the rantings of a madman. Man has solid movement. Oh my God.

We did one with Karen that was like a guy had a cold and he was mad at everybody. It was he couldn't believe it was a paper. It's just a good hit. That somewhat notorious sheet, the imperialist, sometimes makes a good shot as will be seen by reading the following. Okay.

So they've taken it something from another paper. Right. Okay. That intensely red Republican sheet Wilkes spirit. So it's a paper talking about another paper. So this paper printed another paper talking about another paper. So it's read. We've retweeted twice.

It's retweeted a retweet. Okay. So someone took a screenshot and and then tweeted that and then someone retweeted the screen, the screenshot with another comment. Okay. Okay. That intensely red Republican sheet,

Wilkes spirit of the times scouts at the theory that all men are not born equal. Nevertheless, he devotes whole pages to the pedigree of race horses. Blood it seems will tell in horses, but not in men. Whether Mr. Wilkes is descended from a king or cobbler is in his opinion a matter of no consequence,

but it is vastly important that his horse should trace his origin to some equine aristocrat. Oh, so so basically they're like, it doesn't matter who you're from as a man, but horses we need to know their lineage essentially. Right. Because he's saying that man of how good of a horse it is. I would say this guy writing the article is like, no.

A shit bag. Yeah. He's like, you should. It's all about people breeding too. Right. He's like, people should be bred. Well, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. He's a total, he's a total. Okay. So he's great. So sure. Little eugenics. He may be. It's a little gen.

Yeah, it's totally eugenics. 100%. Okay. Remember that show Quantum Leap? You know, he's coming back. Yeah. If you if you leaped into this city this time, you got to be just like, that show would be hilarious.

He would never leave. He would live in like 1869 forever. Like, I still don't understand the mission. You have to care this child with strawberry, Sam. Find the spoon thief. I don't know. It's this guy. I don't know.

Nothing makes sense. He dies in 1869. Show over. Just keep saying, oh boy. So this is our last one. Okay. It's a woman and she writes there's a letter to the paper and it's really long and the woman is just kind of babbling.

Tell me to fucking listen. Let's see how well you listen. Editor pencil continues to excite my wonder and pencils and quotes. What shall be done with him? Worried not for the fact of his possessing powers of endurance greater than metals, one might be content to let him alone and allow him to kill himself. He resembles a worthy friend of ours who always does a butter when there's something to butt against.

Oh, this has got to be about. Oh, it's about Dr. Butts. General Butts. Sorry. That's Dr. Bull. Dr. Butts and it's strict nine. This is what this is about. Okay.

The fate of Collins ran that indomitable sheep that butted all his body away except a fragment of the last extremity is no warning to our man of the gutta percha order. He will have this to say he fears not man nor guards a woman, especially if she possesses a nitty head. What sort of a nitty head? I have heard of tiny hands and tiny feet, but a nitty head is something strange. I believe there are no heads from the nitty kind up here in Shelby. Okay, so I'm going to cut to the end.

Oh, please don't. Our farmers in this, she still, this is the same letter. Our farmers in this country are pleased with the wheat crop. It is much better than they expected. But the oats are greatly injured by the late drought. Other crops are well worked and clear of grass, but they are slowly grown for want of rain. Berry pie will be soon out of fashion.

One of the, it seems like there's this clear message which I'm enjoying. There's a direct one of the most interesting objects of attention, which I have recently been led to consider is the large number of children that have been born during the last six months. Every alarming everywhere. We don't have enough strawberries everywhere. I go, I find some of these miniature men and women. Okay, that is how I'm going to refer to children from now on.

They are no longer boys and girls. They are miniature men and women. Look at this little little fruit fucker. Hey, what the fuck? You're shocked whenever he's thinking. Look at his little shirt. Every time. Oh my God, there's five more.

You got five more little men and women. Somebody shrunk that woman. This little, this man is tiny as hell. He's covered in crayon. What does this man do for a living? I demand to see some ID from this little gentleman. The climate of Shelby appears to be particularly adapted to the growing of children and many of our people are enthusiastic on the baby question.

Just the other day, an esteemed friend of mine stopped his plow in the ferro and took me to see his baby. The site was working. Let me show you my baby. I don't need to work in there. So look how miniature he is. This is a miniature bald man. The site is we're seeing for he is a perfect jewel of a boy.

Virtually yours, Pena. What the fuck? That was the rankings of a crazy woman. I mean, I've learned a lot about what to call boys. I mean, really, it is now from now on, miniature men. Everybody in this whole fucking town is walking into a school. Look at all these miniature men and women. And then you've got a real size man there talking to that little man.

I like to go see the miniature people eating the strawberries in the fields in March. I think I found our next president. He's a miniature man, but he speaks to the core of the problems of this country. More Germans, less Chinese. Oh my God. This little man gets it. That was quite the other. That last one's amazing.

That is just, I mean, it's just someone like complaining about five topics, basically. And then they were like, we have room. Let's put it in the paper. And carrying over something about a pencil to now from the previous paper, which is just seems like madness. It seems like she's talking about an actual pencil. That seemed like the craziest part until every other part. Yeah.

Yeah. Gross. It builds. Well, learned a lot. Al, you learned a lot today, right, Al? Oh my God. A tremendous amount. A lot to think about.

Asiatics. Yeah. I had no idea that the Confederate money was just absolutely fucking, oh, and you knew it was worthless, but I didn't realize that it was like $0.10 to $32,000. That's crazy. That's insane. That's crazy. Like, I would commit to is that I'd drink Strychnine if I had any.

Well, if you drank that Strychnine, I'd just fill your mouth full of strawberries and welcome you back and be like, boom, there you go, buddy. All right, welcome back. That was close. I'm allergic to strawberries, by the way. Are you really? Allergic to strawberries and pistachios. What happens when you eat a strawberry?

Nah, just take a clear. But it's not too, you know, it's not a horrible reaction. But it's grass is the big one. And then cats. Cander. I would never be able to hang out with fucking Gary. It's actually Gareth. And as you can see right there, there's a beautiful painting of my cat.

And he'd love to meet you. Bring my little boy over. Well, thank you very much, Al. Thank you for joining us. I had a great time. Any time, fellas. And congratulations on launching. No, can't do tomorrow. Oh, but Friday works.

You said, Al, I mean, we'll talk about it. We know when the date was of the last one that I did when I did a dollop at the Oh my God. Oh my God, seriously, that was so fucking long ago. It was when you were wrapping the Daily Show. It would be like... Yeah, I think so, yeah.

I think it has to be after that because it was at well, it was at Meltdown and Meltdown's closed for what, three, four years? But I think it's still probably had about a year left. It came on August 3rd, 2015. So it was probably recorded that week. And you think back to that time,

we were probably like, man, the world's so fucked. And I would just do anything. I should have 2015. You know? I'll do what? Seven years from now? Yeah. And we'll be like, man, 2022 is so great.

Now. It's crazy, then, and we thought it was so bad. So bad, then. Well, thank you, Al, and fuck you, Dave. Some of these days, you'll miss me, honey.